Empathy

Empathy skills
For relationships, communications, complaints, customer retention, conflict and levels of
listening types
Empathy and trust are a platform for effective understanding, communication and relationships.
Empathy and trust are essential to develop solutions, win and retain business, and avoiding or
diffusing conflict. Empathy and trust are essential for handling complaints and retaining
customers. These days we need to be more effective communicators to be successful in
business - and in life. The 'steps of the sale', persuasion, closing techniques, features and
benefits do not build rapport or relationships - empathy, trust, understanding and sympathetic
communications do. One-sided persuasion is not sustainable and is often insulting, especially
when handling complaints. Trust and empathy are far more important in achieving and sustaining
successful personal and business relationships.

A certain legacy of the days of the hard-sell is that many consumers and business people are
more reluctant to expose themselves to situations where they may be asked to make a decision.
This places extra pressure on the process of arriving at a deal, and very special skills are now
needed to manage the situations in which business is done.

Most modern gurus in the areas of communications, management and self-development refer in
one way or another to the importance of empathy - really understanding the pther person's
position and feelings. Being able to 'step back', and achieve a detachment from our own
emotions, is essential for effective, constructive relationships.

Whether for selling, customer retention, handling complaints, diffusing conflict, empathy helps.

Trust
Part of the 'empathy process' is establishing trust and rapport. Creating trust and rapport helps
us to have sensible 'adult' discussions (see Transational Analysis, which is another useful model
for understanding more about empathy).

Establishing trust is about listening and understanding - not necessarily agreeing (which is
different) - to the other person. Listening without judging.

A useful focus to aim for when listening to another person is to try to understand how the other
person feels, and to discover what they want to achieve.

Dr Stephen Covey (of 'The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People'® fame) is one of many
modern advocates who urge us to strive deeply to understand the other person's point of view.

Sharon Drew Morgen's Buying Facilitation concept is another signpost towards this more open,
modern, collaborative approach (and it is not retricted to buying and selling).

Nudge theory - a powerful change-management concept which emerged in the 2000s - is

similarly built on a solid ethical philosophy.

It is difficult and rarely appropriate to try to persuade another person to do what we want; instead
we must understand what the other person wants, and then try help them to achieve it, which
often includes helping them to see the way to do it (which is central to Sharon Drew Morgen's
approach).
We must work with people collaboratively, to enable them to see what they want, and then help
tem to see the ways achieve it.

The act of doing all this establishes trust.

Listening
Of all the communications skills, listening is arguably the one which makes the biggest
difference.

The most brilliant and effective speaker utlimately comes undone if he/she fails to listen properly.

Listening does not come naturally to most people, so we need to work hard at it; to stop
ourselves 'jumping in' and giving our opinions.

Mostly, people don't listen - they just take turns to speak - we all tend to be more interested in
announcing our own views and experiences than really listening and understanding others.

This is ironinic since we all like to be listened to and understood. Covey says rightly that when we
are understood we feel affirmed and validated.

He coined the expression: 'Seek first to understand, and then to be understood', which serves as
a constant reminder for the need to listen to the other person before you can expect them to
listen to you.

Levels of listening - 'effective listening'

There are different types of listening. Typically they are presented as levels of listening.

Various people have constructed listening models. Below is an attempt to encompass and
extend good current listening theory in an accessible and concise way. Bear in mind that
listening is rarely confined merely to words. Sometimes what you are listening to will include
other sounds or intonation or verbal/emotional noises. Sometimes listening involves noticing a
silence or a pause - nothing - 'dead air' as it's known in broadcasting. You might instead be
listening to a musical performance, or an engine noise, or a crowded meeting, for the purpose of
understanding and assessing what is actually happening or being said. Also, listening in its fullest
sense, as you will see below, ultimately includes many non-verbal and non-audible factors, such
as body language, facial expressions, reactions of others, cultural elements, and the reactions of
the speaker and the listeners to each other.

In summary first:

1. passive/not listening - noise in background - ignoring

2. pretend listening - also called 'responsive listening' - using stock nods and smiles and
uhum, yes, of course, etc.
3. biased/projective listening - 'selective listening' and intentionally
disregarding/dismissing the other person's views
4. misunderstood listening - unconsciously overlaying your own interpretations and
making things fit when they don't
 5. attentive listening - personally-driven fact gathering and analysis often with
manipulation of the other person
6. active listening - understanding feelings and gathering facts for largely selfish purposes
7. empathic listening - understanding and checking facts and feelings, usually to listener's
personal agenda
8. facilitative listening - listening, understanding fully, and helping, with the other person's
needs uppermost

Full version:

Levels and types of listening

1 Passive Listening Noise in the background - you are not concentrating on the sounds at all and nothing
or Not Listening registering with you. Ignoring would be another way to describe this type of listenin
is nothing wrong with passive listening if it's truly not important, but passive listenin
which we might more aptly call Not Listening - is obviously daft and can be downri
dangerous if the communications are important.
2 Pretend Listening You are not concentrating and will not remember anything because you are actually
daydreaming or being distracted by something else even though you will occasional
agree using 'stock' safe replies. This is a common type of listening that grown-ups d
children. This level of listening is called Responsive Listening in some other mode
although Pretend Listening is arguably a more apt term, since the word 'responsive'
much higher level of care in the listener, and Pretend Listening reflects that there is
element of deceit on the part of the listener towards the speaker. You will generally
when you are Pretend Listening because the speaker will see that glazed look in you
and say firmly something like, "Will you please Listen to me. I'm talking to you!" E
if the speaker is a small child.
3 Biased Listening or You are listening and taking in a certain amount of information, but because you alr
Projective such firm opposing or different views, or a resistance to the speaker, you are not allo
Listening anything that is said or any noises made to influence your attitude and level of know
understanding. You are projecting your position onto the speaker and the words. Yo
do this typically because you are under pressure or very defensive. You would norm
aware that you are doing this, which is a big difference between the next level and th
This third level of listening is also called Selective Listening in some other models.
4 Misunderstood You have an interest and perhaps some flexibility in respect of the words spoken an
Listening reactions to them, but because you are not thinking objectively and purely you are p
your own interpretation on what you are hearing - making the words fit what you ex
want them to fit. This is a type of projective listening like level three above, but you
normally be aware that you are doing it until it is pointed out to you. This is a type o
listening that is prone to big risks because if you are not made aware of your failings
leave the discussion under a very wrong impression of the facts and the feelings of t
person. It's a deluded form of listening. Arrogant people like politicians and compan
directors who surround themselves with agreeable accomplices can fall into seriousl
ingrained habits of Misunderstood Listening.
5 Attentive 'Data- You listen only to the content, and fail to receive all the non-verbal sounds and sign
Only' Listening as tone of voice, facial expression, reaction of speaker to your own listening and rea
This is fine when the purpose of the communication is merely to gain/convey cold f
figures, but it is very inadequate for other communications requiring an assessment
feelings and motives, and the circumstances underneath the superficial words or sou
 Attentive Listening is a higher level of listening than Misunderstood Listening becau
gather reliable facts, but it fails to gather and suitably respond to emotions and feelin
the situation of the other person, which is especially risky if the other person's positi
potentially troublesome. This is a common form of listening among 'push and persua
people. Attentive Data-Only Listening is typically driven by a strong personal result
It can be highly manipulative and forceful. This type of listening wins battles and lo
i.e., it can achieve short-term gains, but tends to wreck chances of building anything
constructive and sustainable.
6 Active Listening This is listening to words, intonation, and observing body language and facial expre
and giving feedback - but critically this type of listening is empty of two-way emotio
involvement, or empathy. There is no transmitted sympathy or identification with th
persons feelings and emotional needs. This listening gathers facts and to a limited ex
feelings too, but importantly the listener does not incorporate the feelings into reacti
can be due to the listener being limited by policy or rules, or by personal insecurity,
selfishness, or emotional immaturity. Active listening often includes a manipulative
or tactics, which are certainly not present in the empathic level next and higher, and
a simple way to differentiate between Active and Empathic listening.
7 Empathic Listening You are listening with full attention to the sounds, and all other relevant signals, inc
or Empathetic
Listening  tone of voice

 other verbal aspects - e.g., pace, volume, breathlessness, flow, style, emphasis

 facial expression

 body language

 cultural or ethnic or other aspects of the person which would affect the way their
communications and signals are affecting you

 feeling - not contained in a single sense - this requires you to have an overall collec
appreciation through all relevant senses (taste is perhaps the only sense not emplo
of how the other person is feeling

 you able to see and feel the situation from the other person's position

You are also reacting and giving feedback and checking understanding with the spea
will be summarising and probably taking notes and agreeing the notes too if it's an im
discussion. You will be honest in expressing disagreement but at the same time expr
genuine understanding, which hopefully (if your listening empathy is of a decent sta
will keep emotions civilized and emotionally under control even for very difficult
discussions. You will be instinctively or consciously bringing elements of NLP (neu
linguistic programming) and  Transactional Analysis into the exchange. It will also b
possible (for one who knows) to interpret the exchange from the perspective of havi
improved the relationship and mutual awareness in terms of the Johari Window con
8 Facilitative This goes beyond even empathic listening because it implies and requires that you a
Listening extend an especially helpful approach to the other person or people. This element is
necessarily present in empathic listening. Another crucial difference is the capability
interpret the cognisance - self-awareness - of the speaker, and the extent to which yo
hearing and observing genuine 'adult' sounds and signals (as distinct from emotional
 skewed outputs), and to weigh the consequences of the other person's behaviour eve
other person cannot. In this respect you are acting rather like a protector or guardian
event that the other person is not being true to themselves. Eric Berne's Transactiona
Analysis theory comes close to explaining the aspects of mood and 'game-playing' w
many people exhibit a lot unconsciously, and which can be very difficult notice usin
the aims of and skills within empathic listening. This does not mean that you are ma
decisions or recommendations for the other person - it means you are exercising cau
their behalf, which is vital if you are in a position of responsibility or influence towa
Facilitative Listening also requires that you have thought and prepared very carefull
what you will ask and how you will respond, even if you pause to think and prepare
responses during the exchange. Many people do not give themselves adequate pause
thought when listening and responding at an empathic level. Facilitative listening co
strong additional element of being interested in helping the other person see and und
their options and choices. It's a powerful thing. Facilitative Listening is not generally
if the circumstances (for example organisational rules and policy, matters of law, em
etc) demand a faster resolution and offer little or no leeway for extending help. Ther
suggestion of transcendence and self-actualization - as described in Maslow's Hierar
Needs theory - within the approach to Facilitative Listening. It is devoid of any selfi
personal motive, other than to extend help, rather than achieve any sort of normal m
gain. The other person's interests are at the forefront, which cannot truthfully be said
of the preceding levels of listening. Facilitative Listening is not an age or money-rel
capability. It is an attitude of mind.
©Alan Chapman 2009-11

See also the summary and interpretation of Mehrabian's communications theory, which
considers communications from the standpoint of the 'receiver' of communications, and it's
implications for the 'sender' of communications.

See Sharon Drew Morgen's theory of Buying Facilitation, which is adaptable beyond selling and
business, and which relates strongly to, and has amongst other significant influences, helped to
inspire the concept of Facilitative Listening.

Handling complaints and customer retention in organizations

The principle of ownership is central to complaints handling: if you receive a complaint or query
you continue to own it until it is resolved - even if you escalate it or delegate it - which means that
you must always follow-up and check on progress and eventually resolution and satisfaction.

The measurement and monitoring of complaints, from receipt to resolution is also vital: the
organisation must have suitable systems and commitment to do this, especially from the very
top.

There is a difference between 'understanding' someone and 'agreeing' with them: everyone in
the organisation should have the training, encouragement and ability, to understand and to
convey that they understand - to see the reality of the other person's position and feelings -
whether they are right or wrong - and should have the training and authority to 'agree' where
appropriate, which has implications for authorization levels and compensation offerings.

Seek complaints and feedback: the organisation should welcome complaints and should
encourage staff to ask for them - complaints enable quality improvement and ultimately improve
relations with customers (the vast majority of customers are more loyal after the complaint is
resolved satisfactorily than they were before the complaint arose).

Incidentally, from a staff-selection perspective, people with strong right basal brain quadrant -
which produces intuition and empathy - make good complaint receivers. Strong left basal
enables good processing and follow-up. Strong right frontal enables good creative problem-
solving. (See the Benziger page.)

Use the 'over-compensation' principle: always look after complaining customers extremely well -
generally regardless of whether they are right or wrong. Organisations often begrudge
compensating complaining customers, which is completely illogical, because complaints are
relatively rare and the real cost of compensation is relatively inexpensive, and yet the benefits
from customer satisfaction, increased loyalty and positive word-of-mouth, are enormous by
comparison.

Trust and rapport training: improve customer service

Here are some pointers as to how you can develop empathy skills for customer service staff,
especially in call-centres, and situations where customer retention is a strong priority.

Use a training exercise to flush out all the 'wrong' ways to handle these customer situations - it's
often much easier for a group to identify (via role play and/or syndicates) wrong ways, and then
make sure they avoid them. Customers resist strongly being persuaded against their urge to
contact and terminate a contract - the persuasive approach immediately polarises customer
service representative and customer; the resulting emotional issue then dominates, removing
any chance to save the customer. All initial effort must be to establish rapport and understanding
- without the rapport nothing can be done.

Use a training exercise to identify rapport-establishing phrases, questions, and then role-play to
demonstrate, practice and demonstrate suitable tone - style must be highly sympathetic and
interested (the tendency is for tone to be confrontational, competitive, challenging, etc, which
makes matters worse). Demonstrate also how it can take several minutes to do this - sometimes
several conversations. Through role-play, observe how easy it is to shatter rapport by moving
into persuasive mode. Stay 'with' the customer - understand (not necessarily the same as
agreeing) and sympathise, allowing the discussion to develop, rather than present an opposing
proposition.

Use a training exercise to identify suitable empathic information-gathering questions - what do

we need to know in order to help, how to ask for this information, and how to position the need to
ask questions in the first place, once initial rapport has been established.

Use a training exercise to identify approaches, and ' ready-made' phrases, to view customers'
situations objectively with the customers - 'let's look at this together and see what the options
are...' - rather than the tendency to go head-to-head and counter the customer's position with
superior argument, justification, or worse still implied or direct threat, such as penalties, etc. (It's
easy to fall into the confrontation trap because so much sales training and experience is based
on the power of persuasion, which is in itself highly confrontational in defensive scenarios.)

The secret to customer retention is the relationship in the first few seconds - customers are far
more likely to rethink and stay if they 'like' the person on the other end of the phone. Certainly a
customer will not begin to reconsider if they 'dislike' the other person - instead they become
empowered to accelerate and reinforce withdrawal from the moment they feel the slightest bit
challenged or opposed.
Role-play sympathetic phrases and tone for this scenario: you meet a friend in the street and
learn from them that they have suffered an upsetting experience - listen for the natural empathy
and sympathy - there is no instinct here to persuade the friend to 'get a grip' or 'snap out of it' -
the natural sympathetic response is the basis of building trust and empathy and rapport.

Trust, rapport, empathy and understanding are powerful relationship-builders, and form the
bedrock of sustainable business and careers.