Long-Term Relationships - Rebuilding Love After Emotional Damage PDF

5/5/2020 Long-Term Relationships: Rebuilding Love After Emotional Damage
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Long-Term
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Relationships: Rebuilding Love After Emotional
Damage
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October 13, 2011 • By Deb Hirschhorn, PhD, Relationships and Marriage Topic Expert Contributor
N
  
FOR
What’s “falling in love” anyway?
PROF
It has two components:
ESSI Part one: How the other person makes you feel
about yourself.
ONA Part two: How you feel about the other person.
These two parts are inextricably bound up

LS
together, and, as a matter of fact, part two follows
from part one. Here’s why:
ABO
The “falling in love” kind of love, not the familial love that you have, say, for your parents or
children,
UT is about receiving. The other kind of love—the tender feelings for children, or the
compassionate love that you have when you’ve been married 50 years—is about giving.
So what is it you’re receiving when you fall in love?
You get a clear, bright, and shiny message of validation of yourself as a person. Many people can
try to give you this message but it doesn’t work with other people. The one person with whom it
works proves to you, in the course of being together, that he or she really gets who you are. Only
someone who has plunged your depths and finds you amazing, special, and wonderful can offer
this level of validation.
There may be people you have dated who feel as though they love you, but in your opinion, they
don’t know you. Therefore, it’s impossible for them to validate you. Knowing the other person,
genuinely knowing, is the cornerstone of intimacy. So you have allowed one person into your
inner world, in the course of being together, and each step of the way you felt understood. This
person, in return, continues to be intrigued by that process of knowing you, and wants more.
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https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/loving-someone-who-hurt-you/ 1/245
That is part one (how your partner makes you feel). You feel exhilarated because
GETafter carefully
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letting down your guard to someone, ®
this person has appreciated having been given the
tremendous gift of you. Part two (how you feel about your partner) flows from this. As you let him
or her into your private self, your partner did the same. And what did you find inside your partner’s
heart and soul? A self that is very similar to yours!
Although
GET opposites do attract, the fundamental, deep-down attraction comes from a reflection of
oneself. Not only is this person validating you, but his very being (because it’s so much like yours)
validates
HELP you all the more. That’s part two (how you feel about your partner).
(Incidentally, if you don’t see this, you do have to plumb the depths to find it. It is not on the
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surface. The surface includes a host of differences, but deep down you’ll find the sameness.)
So what’s
N “falling out of love”? The answer is: betrayal. You have opened up your soul; you’ve
been vulnerable, and what did you get for it? You got hurt and betrayed. The betrayal doesn’t have
toFOR
be as raw as cheating, although it can be that. But even ignoring a spouse when he or she is
talking is betrayal. When this continues, the commonalities aren’t so apparent. Your spouse might
be hurt, too.
PROF
Now, just suppose the two of you want to maintain the marriage. Maybe you’ve been married a
ESSI
long time. You may have had children together. How in the world can you get back to opening
yourself up to someone who has hurt you? How can you possibly fall in love with such a person
ONA
again? You are torn because it would be good to keep the relationship but the feelings just aren’t
there. What can you do?
LS
My answer is: Feeling can come back, but the process is backwards from the way it was the first
time.
ABO
The first time, you just opened yourself up and there it was. You can’t do that this time. Even if you
UT
really would like to, your survival instincts won’t let that happen, and you must honor those.
Here are some steps that you both can take:
1. Your partner must prove to you, in every conceivable way, that he or she has changed. He/she
must acquire the skill of patience. That is, your partner is so anxious to wish away all the bad in
the relationship—which is understandable—that he/she may make you feel like he/she is more
concerned with what he/she is getting out of it than what you are being offered. If your partner
has truly overcome his/her hurtful behavior, then it must go along with an attitude of patience for
your healing—and giving of himself/herself. It has to be about you, not him/her, this time around.
2. You must be patient, too—with your spouse and with yourself. His/her awakening to the fact
that you have been deeply wounded in the relationship, and that you need to heal, will dawn on
him/her slowly. Your spouse will realize that change goes way beyond no longer being ugly with
you. This may take time, and perhaps help from outside sources. And you can allow yourself time
to heal from the hurts of the past, because that is a natural process that cannot be rushed.
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3 This is a wonderful step It is akin to noticing how your child is improving in math or picking up a
3. This is a wonderful step. It is akin to noticing how your child is improving in math or picking up a
GETyour
language. There is the dawning awareness that your spouse is growing. Because LISTED
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remains up (that was number one in this list), your powers of observation are keen, and you can
see that something new is on the horizon. Expected behaviors don’t happen and new, lovely ones
areFIND
in their place: consideration, gentleness,
TELEHEALTH sensitivity,
SELECT A STATEgenerosity of time and effort. From this,
respect and trust begin to grow. Allow this step the time it needs to unfold. The more
respectworthy
GET observations you make, the stronger your trust will be in your spouse.
4. Respect and trust will allow you to open up, little by little. You won’t have to force it; it, too, will
HELP
be a natural process. There will be new things in the “you” that has experienced all this pain:
guardedness, healing, and newfound respect. These are the new things that you will be able to
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talk about. Your spouse opens the door to intimacy when you know that he/she has heard you. You
become willing to be vulnerable and open more and more.
N
5. In turn, your spouse will be able to talk about his/her dawning awareness of his/her past
selfishness
FOR and hurtfulness and any regrets felt over them. In these admissions, he/she too will be
vulnerable, and this will open the door wider to falling in love again.
PROF
What’s the upside of this difficult process? It’s more than falling in love and even more than
preserving a family. It’s something rich and mature that you can’t feel the first time around: It’s a
ESSI
rock-solid knowledge of who this other person really is, leading to a much deeper bond, greater
respect, and stronger trust than you could ever have with a new person.
ONA
© Copyright 2011 by By Deb Hirschhorn, PhD, therapist in Far Rockaway, New York. All Rights
Reserved.
LS Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.
ABO
The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions
expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the
UT
preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.
READ MORE
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537 comments Leave
® a Comment

elena douglas
GET
October 13th, 2011 at 2:08 PM
Falling out of love does not always have to mean that there has been a betrayal. It might simply mean
HELPthe couple has grown apart and cannot seem to make their way back together again. I actually think
that
that this could be a good thing for some couples, so that they do not waste any time on something that is
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not right for either one of them.
Reply
N
FOR
StacyW
PROF
March 11th, 2020 at 5:06 AM
I agree…but this article is about loving after betrayal.
ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS Bradley
ABO
There are times when I think that this is a possibility and times when it is not. If this is something where
the two of you have remained together and do in all honesty still love each other, then I definitely think
UT
that it is possible to fall in love with that same person all over again. But for many couples the hurt runs
too deep, and there is nothing that is going to bring those feelings back for them, no matter how hard
they try. And you have to be on the lookout too, because sometimes they will appear to have changed on
the surface but when you start to dig a little deeper you might find that really they have only stayed the
same.
Reply
L
July 21st, 2016 at 8:33 AM
The pain or hurt can only run as deep as the Love is. Hurt is a reaction to fear, and in a place of Love,
there is no room for fear or anything else. Love is the only thing that is Real. If both people in a
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is what I feel I’m supposed to learn.
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Reply
GET Brandon
HELP
Great wisdom
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N Bronny
FOR
Hi Dr. Deb,
Long story short, I am in love with someone who I’ve hurt twice before. Now that I have worked
PROF
through my issues that were preventing me from committing to him, and I see how much i truly love
him, I am afraid he will not feel the same way about me anymore. Should I tell him what I was going
ESSI
through and see if he wants to pursue a relationship, or remain friends? If I should tell him, how
would I assuage that conversation?
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO Mary/ Diane

November 26th, 2016 at 10:51 AM
UT
Very Openly with honesty and Love!
Elizabeth
January 10th, 2017 at 9:36 PM
This is exactly how I feel. You could not have said it better. I have been with a man twice my age for
four years now he has broken and shook my trust in every way possible. I love him…I just don’t want
to hurt from the past or not trust a word he says but I do and it kills me everyday. I hate it, I do not
know how to fix it anymore.
Reply
Angelica
June 14th, 2017 at 6:36 AM

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I feel the same. On the surface in the beginning on good behavior and then the same ole same ole is
back. I’m moving out for the 3rd time and I fear I am making a mistake, that I may lose him forever,
but at the time it feels right, but after talking it doesn’t but I already have the place – took $ out of
FIND
as TELEHEALTH SELECT
a loan on my 401k but I didn’t sign the A STATE
lease and I know my friends would say I’m being stupid for
staying. I am so confused. I thought we were on the same page – but after the silent treatment for 3
GET
weeks I said well apparently I am not worth it for you to not try to talk to me. Mostly he doesn’t
remember disrespectful hurtful things he says because he was drunk when he says them and he
HELP
thinks I am overreacting – It’s sucks because now he knows I am moving and doesn’t want me to
go…if I stayed mad, it would’ve been easier, but now I’m sad, so it’s hard. any advice…
LEAR
Reply
N
FOR KM
PROF
I have been in this situation before and its not easy. When someone you thought is the closest to you
goes on to hurt you it becomes very tough to deal with the situation and I even felt like I couldn’t trust
ESSI
myself anymore :(
ONA
Reply
LS
L.Donald
ABO
October 16th, 2011 at 7:48 AM
Falling
UT in love with someone who hurt you-Not an easy thing by any means but is a lot smoother of a
journey when the other person truly recognizes his or her hurtful actions and comes along to comfort or
apologize.
And a no-repeat is a given-repeated hurt is something that even the mot patient person would hate!
Reply
uy
October 3rd, 2012 at 12:32 AM
The process is very well described in detail :) the interesting thing is ‘falling in love again’ takes inputs
from both persons and if the other person is not willing to be genuine and do their part to ‘make up’ for
the ‘betrayal’ then it leaves one with suffering alternating with numbness which eventually overtakes (ie.
not feeling
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our traffic. refer to as ‘betrayal’),
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GETNovember 5th, 2016 at 1:47 PM
UY – You SAID exactly what I an living!!!And you are also right about Not Being able to feel Love OR
HELPPain!!
I dont know What to do… what worse is that we still are married & live together!!! Oh yowies eeks!!!!
LEARBut THANK YOU for understanding – I know now that this problem that Im unable to correct yet is
Real.
N
Reply
FOR
PROF james
November 27th, 2012 at 6:48 PM
ESSI
i have the similar problem now with my gf
Reply
ONA
LS
amanda
ABO
December 26th, 2012 at 10:39 AM
I hate that the one I love hurt me so bad that its hard to love myself. He’s back in my life and I don’t know
UT
if I could let him back in my heart , or do I do what he did to me? He seams like he’s sorry but it could all
be a act. And why I think that cause he wouldent even talk to me till he seen me with someone else. IDK
What to do can someone help me with what I should do?
Reply
shannon
I had the same occurrence with my ex. now working on things with him. He described that he could
not get over me so he tried to hate me, which he also could not do. It is an awful hurt that comes
with this type of break up and I have empathy and can see his point. We all respond differently to
being hurt and rejection is tough to deal with. I understand what he was trying to do. In the end
GoodTherapy usesofcookies
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Brittany
GET hurt by my ex, I caught him sending sex pics to some random girl that he talked to years before
I was
claiming we were broke up. Im falling out of love with him and I don’t think I wanna be with him anymore.
IHELP
like the thought of being with someone else because I dont wanna be with a liar and a cheat. Someone
tell me what to do?? We have a daughter together.
LEAR
Reply
FOR Laura
PROF
Hello everyone, helped me out when i thought my life is lost don’t know where its going……… It all started
when the father of my two kids left me and sworn never to have anything to do with me and all effort to
ESSI
get him back prove to be abortive and i decided to let things be the way they are cause i felt my life is
lost don’t know where its going. But Priest Andrew came into the picture and things turned out to be how
ONA
i have ever wanted it to be……….I will forever be grateful to him for the rest of my life, Am so happy!!!!!!!!!!
Laura
LS
Reply
ABO
UT Rakia I
July 15th, 2017 at 1:11 PM
My boy friend left with a baby of about 3yrs old,he never care,i want him,i need a help
Reply
need marriage counseling

July 12th, 2013 at 12:01 AM
I ABSOLUTELY think that it’s possible to fall in love with the same person again. I you loved them once,
you can surely love them again.
Reply
Alicia
Alicia
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July 19th, 2013 at 4:03 PM
My boyfriend said he fell out of love im 6 months pregnant , the problem was that i treated him really bad
and he was the best man in the worlddd he did everything and anything he could for me i was hia
FIND TELEHEALTH
princess. When he realized how i treated him SELECT A STATE
he changed he sais he lost respect for me he heard rumors
aboute cheating on him and makes everything worst he said he dosent want me anymore or ever want to
GET
be with me .. All he said is ” maybe with time , or maybe after you have the baby” but i i dont know out
relationshil was deel and we were very comfortable with eachother . I wonder if he can ever fall in love
HELP
with me again.
Reply
LEAR
steve
FOR
December 15th, 2013 at 9:47 PM
Falling in love is heavenly, falling out is like being in hell. I fell out of love with my baby. She is a
PROF
wonderful woman. Truly blessed. But by my actions. Betraying my baby. I fell out of love. Our relationship
is long distance. Trying to figure out how to bring back that love joy happiness back. I keep ruminating on
ESSI
what I’ve done. Confessed and was forgiven.trying to rebuild is hard. Some days feel normal. Some feel
distant. Some are really painful. Feel so lost. My world is up side down.
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO
DrDeb
UT
Hey Steve, thanks for commenting on my article – and on your sincere remorse. It truly is possible to
rebuild. Remember this: Loving is giving. Your actions in betraying were not giving, not even to yourself.
To fall back in love, you have to start giving. Too much focus on how rotten you feel about your actions
point your attention back to yourself – and that’s not where it belongs. Good luck!
Reply
L
July 21st, 2016 at 9:01 AM
A Course in Miracles.
Reply
Alicia
Alicia
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January 12th, 2014 at 7:14 AM ®
My boyfriend and I didn’t know each other. We had a one night stand and he got me pregnant on
purpose!! He admitted it to me and when I said never contact me again he said call me in about a month
FINDyour
when TELEHEALTH SELECT
knocked up!! Well I got pregnant and A STATE
we got together to see if this would work. We have been
together now for almost a year and he has treated me like sh** the whole time! Cheating, lying, hiding,
GET
ect!! I lost the baby in April of 2013. I got pregnant again in September and lost that on in November:(!
We love each other like no other but I feel the love falling on my side. He says he loves me and acts crazy
HELP
and stuff when I leave. He says he’s sorry but the next day all the lies and fucking up will happen again.
How do we both stop the non sense??? I’m giving up on trying!?
LEAR
Reply
N
FOR
Vicky Palmer
PROF
I have been married for 19 years. I have tried to be the strong person in our marriage, I finally had decided
that his jealousy and distrust in me has come to an end. I wonder days why I feel this way. I have dealt
ESSI
with his jealousy all these years and it is old I have given him no reason for his actions. So therefore I feel
this
ONA will never change. I have told him the problem which he feels he has done no wrong in saying things
putting me down , just so much he has broke my heart so bad that I don’t know if I even want to still be
married.
LS I want that unconditional love, that I see people have and when I have dealt with this jealousy
for so long, I have quit talking and keep to myself just to solve the problem with all my friends and family
atABO
times it fixed things for awhile but it always came back worse, and now I have a broken heart that I
have no idea how to fix it. I want a divorce but I don’t want to hurt him or my kids so then I think maybe,
justUT
maybe I can get that unconditional love that I have always wanted. My heart says one thing and my
mind says another?
Reply
Makemesel ess
May 3rd, 2014 at 2:46 PM
Men respond well to unconditional respect. It’s a hard pill to swallow.
Reply
DrDeb
January 14th, 2014 at 11:27 AM
Vicky, jealousy comes from a person feeling insecure inside himself. But that insecurity is in itself very
hard to admit, especially for a man in our society. So your husband isn’t going to getGET
pastLISTED
it withoutLOGIN
help.
GoodTherapy ®
Telling him that you did nothing wrong isn’t enough to make changes: He needs to heal and he needs
help to do it.
Reply
GET
Tyler
HELP
February 21st, 2014 at 1:58 PM
Can you explain what you mean by outside sources? My ex has a crush on some guy who makes her feel
LEAR
better because I unknowingly cut her down. But she wants to love me again and says im the best person
ever,Nand she loves spending time with me. Im special to her, but she seems too hurt. She says shes
numb?
FOR
Reply
PROF
DrDeb
ESSI
February 22nd, 2014 at 6:06 PM
Tyler,
ONA I mean therapy! Not an old flame. You will have to work hard on yourself to be a better person.
Follow the steps above and little by little she may stop being numb. But a crush on someone else doesn’t
help
LSone bit.
Reply
ABO
UT
Aiden
Me and my ex were dating for about 5years and 3 months. We broke up about 3 weeks ago. She said we
needed space because we were arguing too much and we were. I nagged at her all the time, I have no
clue why? She told me herself “why are you being like this? It’s pushing me away. You weren’t like this
before!” I said I’m sorry. I tried controlling myself but it’s so difficult when it seems like she’s doing so
well without me. People tell me it’s a front that she puts up. I believe it because I made this girl who she
is. I was the only person who truly loved and cared for her. Her own family even neglected her. My family
loves her and still don’t know we’re apart. We’ve kept contact here and there but we argue. I acted a bit
insane but it’s because every time I try to talk about us, she bring a up old stuff. I tell her I wanna drop
everything and start fresh. I can tell she cares because she brings up the past, she says she loves me but
doesn’t wanna be with me. We went to dinner about a week ago and we haven’t had a night like that
since we were barely dating. We both messed up but she’s the type of girl who knows she’s wrong but
won’t admit it. That’s how I use to be but I eventually swallowed my pride and I’d just tell her how I feel.
She accepted it at first but later would take advantage of it. That’s how it seemed. I’d get so mad because
S e accepted t at st but late ould ta e ad a tage o t. at s o t see ed. d get so ad because
GET LISTED
she’d play games with me and I’d lose my head. I can’t control it but that’s what I’m working LOGIN
on right
GoodTherapy ®
now. I really want this girl back. She’s been my everything and I know I’ve been her everything. No ones
loved her like I have, no one has cared, protected and provided for her like I have. She tells me herself. It
makes me feel special. Anyway, by the way I acted I feel like I pushed her away. How can I prove to her
that I’m changing because I really am. I don’t know what to do? Give it some time, work on myself, let her
work
GETon herself and then try to slowly contact her then? Help!
Reply
HELP
LEAR
Makemesel ess
NMay 3rd, 2014 at 2:42 PM
All I know about love ( from 10 years of marriage) is that the only way to love a person, is to love
FORthem even when they don’t deserve it. Love past the hurt, give her space. To be honest with you, it’s
too hard to do alone. Only God can help you love someone how they need to be loved. That is the
PROFonly way I can love my spouse, not because we have a bad relationship, but because a relationship
is hard! It takes too much work for someone to bear alone and do it with their own willpower.
ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS
DrDeb
March 17th, 2014 at 10:59 AM
ABO this is really the kind of situation therapy is for: You don’t know why you argue, you want to control
Aiden,
it but you can’t, you love her but the arguing continues, etc. Sometimes we need an outsider to nail
UT
what’s going on.
Reply
Aiden
March 17th, 2014 at 2:43 PM
I tried using that. An outside source, another person but she only got mad. It was her friend. My ex
doesn’t express her feelings much. She keeps them bottled in. I get irritated by that. I had to go to
her friend and her friend said that she went through the same thing that I am going through. Her and
her bf have been together for 7 years now. She said my ex would be back if I gave her time but idk if
I believe that. Someone told her I cheated on her and it is NOT true. I pretty much talked to her
about it and she somehow seemed to believe me but then she threw out “idc if you cheated on me
or not.
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if that’s what’s wrong? It’s difficult for me to give her space because she seems to be doing fine
if that s what s wrong? It s difficult for me to give her space because she seems to be doing fine
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about me LOGIN
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without me. People tell me she does care and misses me because she talks to them at
®
times but I don’t feel like she does. She tells me she doesn’t her self yet her friends say she does?
I’m confused. She’s rude and I feel like she doesn’t truly believe I didn’t cheat on her. I told her to
justTELEHEALTH
FIND trust me because I’ve done so muchSELECT
for her. AI wouldn’t
STATE jeopardize our relationship. She was the
most amazing person to me. I loved her. I guess I just want her to miss me and for her to realize that
GETshe should to be pushing me away. All I want is for her to miss me and for her to swallow her pride
and at least talk to me. Idk how to get her to do that? If I give her space I feel like she won’t be back.
HELPYet she does have all the stuff I gave her and a bunch of my clothes. Her friends say if she really
didn’t want anything to do with me, she would’ve gotten rid of them or gave them back. Its a messy
LEARsituation.
Reply
N
FOR
DrDeb
PROF March 18th, 2014 at 7:50 AM
Hi Aiden,
ESSI
When I said this is what therapy is for – an objective outsider, I will add that a therapist is a competent
objective outsider. (Of course, you need to check on the competency and that is a different article.) Your
ONA
girlfriend’s friend is not the right person. Furthermore, you have not gotten to the root of her behavior –
or your own. One thing you do mention is that her bottling things up irritates you. Can I say something
LS
here? Your irritation is going to make her bottle things more! Can you see that? That is reason #2 for a
therapist to help you. Please check your local listings. The therapists on this blog are amazing and you
ABO
can see who they are by what they write. Good luck.
Reply
UT
So_willing_to_change
May 5th, 2014 at 9:22 PM
I had a great opportunity with a woman who I connected with deeply. I found out recently that I’ve been
suffering from generalized anxiety and I tended to blow up whenever we got into an argument.
Sometimes I would just be short over minor issues. After 6 months she began to pull away and it freaked
me out. I started to frantically look for ways to fix the situation and I think that I came across as too
needy. She finally broke up with me after 9 months and now is very cold and distant. The hard part is that
i see her every day (at work) and some days it feels like I’m slipping back into anxiety ridden grief. She’s
started to talk to me a bit but is obviously not interested in talking about getting back together. I’ve been
trying self help and I’m about to start counseling. She hasn’t said yes or no with regard to trying again at
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should I try to move on without her or do I continue to try and make things right?
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Reply ®

DrDeb
GET May 6th, 2014 at 9:11 AM
I am very impressed with your self-awareness, namely, realizing that you would blow up for minor
HELP
reasons and that your frantic attempts to hold the relationship together came across as needy. I also am
glad you are going to start counseling. The counseling should be goal-oriented, meaning, you should be
LEAR specific tools to rebuild your sense of self-esteem and overcome the destructive messages that you
given
have inside. This woman wants a “whole” person, I would guess. She doesn’t want someone who blows
N
up or who is anxious or who isn’t comfortable with who they are. So it seems to me you should work on
healing yourself first before complicating matters with relationships. Good therapy does not have to last
FOR
years and decades. With the degree of insight you already have and the motivation that I believe you also
have, your whole entire therapy process should be under a year, maybe even six months of effort. If she is
PROF
really this fantastic person, I would say to tell her you know exactly why she has pulled away and you
don’t blame her one bit. You are working on all of it. That’s it. Because by telling her this, you validate her
ESSI
feelings without putting any pressure on her to do anything at all. Since you see her at work, she will see
the changes in you for herself over time. A no-pressure approach is the opposite of the needy approach
ONA
and in and of itself is respect-worthy, therefore attractive. The key is to not work with a psychodynamic
therapist which will take 30 years. Ask your therapist his or her orientation. Good luck!!
LS
Reply
ABO
UT Sandy O
May 13th, 2014 at 4:36 PM
Hi DrDeb,
I have a been in this relationship for 7 years before i got pregnant. getting pregnant was not what i
wanted at the time because i was in university. i was so mad at my boyfriend and i cried all the time and
we argue a lot. after having the baby the arguments continued because he spends most of his time away
from home . after work instead of coming home he would stop by his mom or stop to help out friends
with their issues while i am at home in need of his help.i would vex with him and argue why cant he come
home to help me when i ask him and its hard all by myself to take care of the baby. it didn’t help. the
arguments and quarrels between us got worse everyday. sometimes we don’t argue and we talk about
the arguments and we both vow to do better and it goes right back to square one. he wants this
relationship and wish i would stop cussing he said for everything. but his actions makes me mad. why
cant he see that. now he got a promotion in another city and the company provides living
accommodation to personalize
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him so he only comes and
homeads to provide
every better
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since januaryfor
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then he said his footBy
hiscontinuing to use this site
not in this relationship you consent
anymore. to not
he said its our gonna
cookies.
work because
his feelings have changed somewhat its not as strong as before. i begged him to let us work on it but
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when he comes home he cant even look at me he looks so guilty like he is having an affair. we still live
under the same roof. he eats when i cook just the same and we have sex. the last three times he came
home. i am trying doc. he is my first boyfriend and he wanted to marry me prior to this new job
FIND TELEHEALTH
promotion. SELECT
he asked me to and i said you have A STATE
to adjust your ways and be more committed to us (me and
the baby) and stop putting other people before us including your mother. he is always at her house
GET
evryday of the week sometimes when i talk about it he would do better and then go right back into the
old ways. now he is miles away and the distance have made me realise how much i really love him. he is
HELP
hurt over the fact that his sister and mother at times dont get along well and he said i dont respect him
and as we start to argue i get so loud on top of my voice and he cant deal with stuff like that so he dont
LEAR
think it will work. but i think he want it to work because he is hanging around to see if things will change
in my behaviour. and i want to control my voice and i am working on getting the ralionship withhis family
N
to be better too. they have hurt me in the oast and i oulled away from two member of his family until i jus
eventually jus cut off all of them. i love him please help me to show him that i can change and respect him
FOR
and speak ona normal volume and recreate the relationship with his family. please doc. ilove him soo
much. since we started having sex again i realise his behaviour towards me is a little better but when he
PROF
leaves and go back to the other city to work he comes home with a strange behaviour and he dont want
me to touch him and then the night before he goes back to the other city we have sex and he gave me a a
ESSI
body massage for mother’s day and that how the sex started. help. i need to recreate this. my son needs
both his parents and i i love him too
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO
DrDeb
UT
May 14th, 2014 at 12:12 PM
Hi Sandy
Three things: 1. work on calming yourself. There are deep breathing apps you can download for that.
2. work on your self esteem. Read self-help books for it or seek affordable therapy. You will become more
attractive when you like and love yourself and don’t appear needy.
3. Please get your health checked now that you’re having sex again. I am concerned about his behavior
when he’s away.
Good luck
Reply
Sad Cat
June 1st, 2014 at 3:07 AM
Dr deb,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years 2 5 years long distance We started out on the same
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, 2.5 years long distance. We started out on the same
GETeven
career path, but he stopped for a while and now that I’m finishing my training he hasn’t LISTED LOGIN
started. I
GoodTherapy ®
know he’s depressed about his career life and said he “can’t love anyone until he loves himself” and
“can’t be in a relationship right now.” The pain he’s dealt me is like nothing I’ve ever had before. I want us
to work out because I think what we had is special and what others dream about. He says he’s been
feeling so down he hasn’t even thought about getting married anytime recently. He also doesn’t feel the
same
GET about me. I know he loves me and says he wants me in his life in the future. How much of this is his
depression talking? And is it possible for us to fall in love again?
HELP
Reply
LEAR
N
Thomas
June 10th, 2014 at 6:03 AM
FOR
My girlfriend and I have been together for what would be 5 years next month. She is my first real long
term relationship but it’s mainly because I’m very specific on who I want to give myself too. I know I love
PROF
her with every ounce of my being, but throughout the relationship, I managed to abuse her physically and
mentally. I justified it for so long as it being her fault for making me that mad. I guess it was normal for
ESSI
me having grown up with my father constantly abusing my mother.
June of 2013, I had taken the physical abuse pretty far and had hurt her fairly bad. My mind immediately
ONA
snapped to a point where everything was plain to see and I decided to go to anger management. She
moved out with her sister and from being traumatized, fell immediately out of love with me. I didn’t want
LS
to be like my father and since I finally realized what I was doing, I was able to significantly control my
anger from then onward. Her feelings came back soon after and she moved back in with me, however
ABO
there were a few situations, not outright physical abuse, but still hurtful things that had happened. This
began
UT to break her down into depression and now, about a year later, she tells me she no longer has any
feeling for me. My continued sub conscience acts of control had pushed her further and further away,
coupled with my own depression about where I was in life with my career. Right before she told me of her
lack of feelings, I began taking an active approach in things like my career and relationship, after all, my
life is in my control, but it was too little too late.
I’m going to seek out an abuse specialist to help me make sense of all the controlling actions I make, but
I will never stop loving her. She made her share of mistakes like hiding conversations with exes and not
wanting to be close in front of exes, but I know at this point that she has always had issues with anxiety
and that nothing shady was going on. I also know that none of it justified my actions.
My questions are these, can she fall back in love with me? After about 3 years of physical and mental
abuse, can she love me again? Can the spark of my kiss be there again? Can she feel that beautiful
sensation when I touch her skin?
I know that I will never stop loving her and in my mind, love is absolute. It can be broken, it can be
buried, but it never goes away. If I give up on her and “love” someone else, it will never be true and I can’t
live in a lie like that, questioning myself at every turn. If I can fall out of love with this girl, then how can I
q g y y g
ever trust it’s absolute meaning again. GET LISTED LOGIN
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I truly am sorry for the way I treated her and I never want to hurt get like that again. I want to give get as
much of the world as I can and give her a life worth living. How do I show her that I’ve changed for her?
ForFIND TELEHEALTH
myself as well, but for her? SELECT A STATE
With kind regards,
GET
Thomas B
Reply
HELP
LEAR
DrDeb
N
June 10th, 2014 at 10:28 AM
HiFOR
Thomas,
The way I work with people in therapy who have had abusive relationships (you can see my book on this –
go to my website for more) is to help re-wire our brains so that the trauma that caused the anger in the
PROF
first place is completely healed. That goes for both parties. When your ex- sees you as completely
changed
ESSI and she, too, is stronger and healed, then there are possibilities.
Reply
ONA
LS
Marie
June
ABO11th, 2014 at 8:23 AM
I am glad I came across this thread because I am having trouble fully trusting my boyfriend again. When
weUT
first started dating all was well until he started showing me this other side of him he didn’t show
before I had started to open up to him. He would flirt with other women in front of me and constantly
made sexual comments about other women both to me and in front of me. All friends and family who I
discussed this with thought I should leave him but no one but him and I could understand that we had
such a deep connection despite his actions. I told him how hurt I was and that he violated my building
trust for him, shattered it actually. He was very remorseful of his actions and said he didn’t intentionally
do them and felt horrible for hurting me. Ever since then there has continued to be significant
improvement in him so I gave him another chance. We are very much in love now, 2 years later, and I do
have trust in him but I feel it never fully built up because he shattered it during the most fragile stage. I
still cry from time to time over the pain he has caused and I know he feels awful about it. How do I
overcome it and trust fully?
Reply
DrDeb
June 11th, 2014 at 12:39 PM GET LISTED LOGIN
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Hi Marie, ®
He has to understand himself better. Why did he do what he did? – was he trying to impress you? Was he
afraid to show how committed he was to you? Is this a bad habit he picked up from going with the wrong
friends? Before you have complete trust, he will be able to explain why he used to do it and why looking
atGET
other women means zero to him now. And he will want to share that with you of his own accord, not
just when you ask.
HELP
Reply
LEAR
Pauline
N
June 14th, 2014 at 6:00 AM
My boyfriend and I met 2 years ago, I fell for him first sight. It took him a little longer but a couple of
FOR
months later we were together. He left for italy 1 month after getting together and we talked for 6
months.
PROF Everything was perfect, we had the same goals, the same visions on life, but we did have
completely different interests. I would feel guilty every time I was talking about my interests because I
knew
ESSI he wasn’t as in to them as I was, and I was probably boring him. I would feel guilty when i let him
wait outside while shopping so I stopped enjoying that as well. Not once has he made any complaints
about
ONA waiting or me going on about my interests. It’s just the ‘knowing he doesn’t really like them as
much’ that was making me feel guilty. He was my perfect first boyfriend and I needed to be the perfect
LS
girlfriend. That I had some huge disappointments to get through (school fails, dream fails, health fails)
and 6 months ago I was kissing him and was distracted. It shocked me to the core and 6 months of
ABO
thinking I don’t love him anymore, has made me not want to be with him anymore. Not because of him,
his personality or anything. I just want to be free of the anxiety my head believes is caused by him. I keep
UT
thinking he’s the reason why I can’t see a future for us or for me in general. I have self pity, am depressed,
am disappointed in myself for being such a horrible person for not loving this amazing man anymore. I
want to fall back in love but it will never be innocent again. The anxiety has brought so much stuff up that
‘bother’ me (things that didn’t bother me or wouldn’t bother anyone but the anxiety and depression and
adhd are making me irretated all the time) Any advice? How do I let go of fear and love again…
Innocently? I’ve talked about this with him but he doesn’t understand why I’m doing this to myself. He’s
not giving up, but I don’t know how long I’m going to last. I don’t want this relationship feeling like this.
Feeling not in love, feeling pain, feeling sorry for myself and not seeing him for who he truly is.
Depression and anxiety has deformed him to a stranger. I’m in my head constantly, HOW TO GET OUT?
how to love innocently? again?
Reply
DrDeb
June 14th 2014 at 7:20 PM
June 14th, 2014 at 7:20 PM
Hi Pauline, GET LISTED LOGIN
GoodTherapy ®
I am thinking there is more going on than you are aware of. Could it be that some message in the back of
your mind says you are not entitled to happiness? Could it be that someone has planted the idea that life
just can’t be good? I don’t know. I think it would be helpful to talk to a therapist who can ask you broad
questions about your life, your family, your history.
GET
Reply
HELP
LEAR
stephanyL
June 15th, 2014 at 9:11 AM
I’ve N
been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 3 months. But when we got into a fight, out of nowhere I told
him that I lied to him. The way I said it he thinks I’m prpud of what I did which is not true seriously. I don’t
FORto hurt him. He’s my everything. I don’t know what to do know to make him believe I was really
want
sorry, that I hurt his feelings and give me another chance. It was wrong lying to him in the first place and I
PROF it. He won’t believe me. I need help ;( seriously. How can I make him forgive me for what I did and
regret
how can I make him,fall for me again :( HELP ASAP ;(
ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS DrDeb
June 15th, 2014 at 10:03 AM
ABO
Stephany I think that what you are saying is in some way like what Pauline was saying and my answer will
be the same: For some reason, you feel insecure and feel the need to lie. Apologizing won’t cut it because
UT
this insecurity and lying are something that is in you. You should talk to a therapist and work on where
this came from and building up a sense of confidence about who you are so that you don’t ever need to
lie again.
Reply
Brittany
June 18th, 2014 at 9:57 AM
Dr. Deb. I am trying my absolute best to save my relationship. I’ve been with my fiancé 2+ years now & I
cheated on him emotionally. Although in my eyes that’s much worse than a sexual connection with
someone. I had an ectopic pregnancy & I got caught up with the person I was involved with after that just
because it was a refreshing experience for me. I was in a very dark place about the pregnancy, but I also
GoodTherapy uses
know that wascookies
only an to personalize
excuse content
after a while. and ads
Anyway, to provide
my fiancé better
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the 2 of us on our occasions
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timeframe. consent toprayed
I’ve constantly our cookies.
for God to free me
from that relationship because I knew it wasn’t healthy for me & I didn’t need to betray my spouse in that
from that relationship because I knew it wasn t healthy for me & I didn t need to betray my spouse in that
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manner. About 2 weeks ago, everything came to the light & I was cut off from the guy I was cheating with.
®
As relieved as I was, I hated how it ended. But I took the time to for once be honest with my fiancé &
myself about everything. Now he doesn’t want to restore our relationship & I’m crushed because it feels
likeFIND
nowTELEHEALTH
that I’ve put forth the effort to not only change
SELECT myself but to change the downward spiral of my
A STATE
relationship, it’s too late. I don’t want this to be the end of us. I’ve done my best to show him that I’m
GET with being dishonest & to dedicate my life to loving only him.
done
Reply
HELP
LEAR
Jessica
JuneN18th, 2014 at 9:31 PM
My husband and I have been together for two years and 6 months. When we got together everything was
FOR
really good. Then a month later his grandfather died and he was really close with him. I was there for him
through everything. Well in July 2012 I found naked pictures on his phone and went through his Facebook
PROF
account and found messages to an ex asking if she wanted to have sex. He of course made lies saying
they saved on his phone and that his friend Rick had sent the message. Well then in June or July 2013 I
ESSI
went on his yahoo account and there were emails on there off of craigslist personals between him and
other woman in 2012. He was sexted other woman for 7 to 9 months. Then I found messages from him
ONA
and his ex off Facebook, I could only see what she wrote and she said your happy with jess and I’m
working things out with my baby daddy. He says he didn’t tell her he wanted to work things out but she
LS
told me he did. He told her he missed the good times. We also had dinner with his sisters and her(the
same one he wrote) and I didn’t even know she was an ex. He’s also looked up naked chick’s on his play
ABO
store. I want to forgive him and move past this but I don’t know how. He’s hurt me so bad and he won’t
even talk to me or answer questions that I have. He gets defensive and aggravated at me. He says he’s
UT
changed and wants to be a better husband and father. But can a cheater really change? How can I move
past this? I still say he has feelings for his ex and wants her. But I can’t get him to talk to me. How can I
get him to open up? Do you think he could possible be cheating? He’s even came home with a hair on his
privates and make multiple excuses. Then two days later he came home and showered since being
together he’s never came home and showered. I really could use your help please.
Reply
Jessica
June 18th, 2014 at 9:50 PM
And around the time he was sexting, my grandfather was in the hospital and he died. I needed him
but he was preoccupied with the other woman and his ex. How can I forgive someone who isn’t
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Daniel R
®
FIND
June TELEHEALTH
19th, 2014 at 9:40 AM SELECT A STATE
Hi
GET
I would like to get some advice about my relationship with my partner of nearly 2 years.
HELP day 1 we have both been crazy about each other up until a few months ago where I’ve started to
Since
suffer from anxiety. I slowly over come it but it comes back now and then.
LEAR
My partner is my stone. She makes me feel strong and proud of myself and does nothing but give me
compliments because I do have low self esteem.
N
I consider her my life partner and we both cannot imagine a future together. We want to grow old
FOR
together and have the same goals in life but lately I have been questioning my love which makes me quite
upset.I know deep down inside that we are soul mates.
PROF
Is this a faze I’m going through triggered by the anxiety?
AtESSI
the end of the day I will never give into the anxiety and let it win.
Reply
ONA
LS
DrDeb
ABO June 19th, 2014 at 7:53 PM
Jessica
UT
It sounds to me like your boyfriend has a fear of intimacy. I know that will sound just the opposite of what
it seems so let me explain: People use sex as a way to AVOID a real relationship. Sex pretends you are
close but it leaves out the everyday things–like staying with your girlfriend when her grandfather died.
Real life is so much more than sex and if a person wants REAL intimacy, then they have to be vulnerable.
They have to feel deep feelings AND compassion for another person. That is real intimacy. This will NOT
go away, so your boyfriend needs short-term but very intense therapy directed to correcting this BEFORE
you can forgive him.
Reply
DrDeb
June 19th, 2014 at 7:56 PM
Daniel, uses cookies to personalize content and ads to provide better services for our users and to
GoodTherapy 
You could beanalyze
questioning your feelings
our traffic. because to
By continuing maybe deepsite
use this downyouyou don’t think
consent you
to our deserve
cookies.
something good in your life On the other hand maybe there is really something wrong with the
something good in your life. On the other hand, maybe there is really something wrong with the
GET LISTED
relationship and you just can’t put your finger on it. I hate to sound redundant, but maybe LOGIN
you should
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speak to a therapist to find out. Marriage should not be taken lightly.
Reply
GET
meeka
June
HELP20th, 2014 at 7:11 PM
Hi I have recently seperated from my husband after 8 years and 3 beautiful kids together. He was a drug
addict
LEAR before we got together and he got clean when we found out I was pregnant with our first born. He
then had an accident 2 years later which has left him in huge amounts of pain. So along with medications
and Nspinal surgery he has resorted back to using pot. Not a little.. but alot. Influenced mainly by a friend
of his. He doesnt see a problem with it and says it help the pain and his sleep. He still doesnt sleep when
heFOR
has it and still hurts so I see it as being an excuse to get high. He at first hid it for me for month and
friends of our all knew about it and no one told me. Then he said he would cut back to quit and that was
PROF 2 years ago. I have been more the patient I have given him help offered support and tried to get
almost
him to quit. But he has chose not to and has left. He has also been having mental health issues as recently
ESSI to kill himself and has little self worth. He has made his choice of drugs and drop kick friends
wanted
over me and his kids. I am broken and dont know where to go from here
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO DrDeb
June 21st, 2014 at 8:34 PM
UT
Hi Meeka,
Drug use is often a way to hide or escape from old emotional pain. It is pain that will not go away
because a person loves you, unfortunately. It needs therapy. I’m sorry to keep having to say that on this
thread, but that is the way I feel. If there is any way you can get him to see a quality therapist, that would
be good. You may be saving his life.
Reply
Ashleigh
June 25th, 2014 at 1:02 PM
Hi, i met someone last year and we instantly clicked. We became the best of friends, but also sexual
partners. We agreed at the start that it was just going to be ‘casual’ and if either of us ‘caught feelings’
GoodTherapy
we woulduses
walkcookies to personalize
away. However, content
that wasnt and we
the case. adstried
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numerous our users but
and to 
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felt so deeply about By continuing
each to use this This
other, we continued. site carried
you consent
on for to our cookies.
around 6 months, until the
silly arguments got too much for him and he walked away We carried on to see each other after this
silly arguments got too much for him and he walked away. We carried on to see each other after this
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however, bearing in mind during this whole period we never were established as a couple. Then after a
®
bad argument, I told him we were over and we didn’t speak for a full week. A week later he came to me
saying he cant stand not having me in his life and so we got back to what we were, however, I was soon
to FIND
learnTELEHEALTH
that during the week we were not speaking,
SELECT he began sleeping with one of my friends, and this
A STATE
continued even though we were trying to make things work again. She knew the situation between us
GET
and I had my suspicions, but when i asked either of them, i was told to ‘stop being paranoid’. My
suspicions were confirmed when one of her friends told me they had been sleeping together all along. I
HELPdistraught and when confronted, they both lied, until eventually i got the truth, which was that he
was
had been sleeping with us both for around 3 weeks. It took him a few days to apologise to me, but when
LEAR
he did, he came to me genuinely upset, crying and telling me how stupid he had been, I should have been
his girlfriend all along, it had taken losing me to realise he was in love with me, all I wanted to hear. So I
tookNhim back and we began working towards a proper committed relationship, however, it has been
almost 3 months since I found out about them and things are so bad. I’m jealous, controlling, irrational
FOR
and I accuse him all of the time of being unfaithful again, and it has pushed him away. I have now
distanced myself from him (something that he said he didnt want) and have realised i need help. Could I
PROF
have your opinion on the whole situation, thanks.
Reply
ESSI
ONA
Ashleigh
LS
June 25th, 2014 at 1:04 PM
we never got into a relationship before all of this because he has commitment issues, he has never had a
ABO
girlfriend before.
Reply
UT
DrDeb
June 25th, 2014 at 2:17 PM
Hi Asleigh
To me, the word “commitment issues” combined with the idea of sleeping around casually implies that
your boyfriend feels very vulnerable and fearful of losing the relationship. He therefore was distancing
himself emotionally. But apparently, he had an awakening and now the tables are turned. Your fear of
losing him has lead to your pushing him away. This isn’t as illogical as it sounds: keeping a distance
creates an artificial feeling of safety. I think your reaction to being betrayed is perfectly normal. And
furthermore, if you could take him back then he should be mature enough to take you back. Discuss with
him how he would react if you apologize. And would he put that ring on your finger? You may find that if
GoodTherapy
he finallyuses cookies
commits, youto personalize
will content
feel safer and and
you will ads
not acttothat
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By continuing to use this
What assurances site
will heyou
giveconsent
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heour cookies.
is mature enough to
stand by you and work things out when marriage becomes stressful?
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Reply ®

Anonymous
GET
July 9th, 2014 at 9:27 AM
Hi Dr Deb. My H and I are currently separated. I had an emotional affair with the man I fell in love with
HELP
when I was in my 20′s, and I still have feelings for this man. I do also still have feelings for my husband.
He is an extremely damaged person. And I mean extremely. He had an abusive disjointed childhood,
LEAR
witnessed domestic violence and was loved by only one parent. He was in a warzone. And later
imprisoned and tortured for a year. He has seen terrible things. We had a very difficult relationship and it
N
was always difficult. I think I married him because I felt sorry for him. We have two beautiful children.
Since we have separated I have observed his relationship and interaction with the children improving. (He
FOR
has never been fully emotionally present because of his PTSD). The problem is I feel like a trauma victim
having lived with him. I know he still loves me. He is very loud and comes with a whole load of annoying
PROF
habits and that’s even before you take into account his inability to emotionally connect. We are
incompatible on many levels. And yet I honestly feel he is a remarkable man, and I have seen him change
ESSI
some of his behaviours. It has felt like I held the whole thing together. So being a single mum is also
difficult. And after a brief period of space I contacted my emotional affair partner – who, incidentally, is
ONA
willing to give up his life (he is partnered but it is more of an mental partnership/friendship than any
romance which doesn’t give it any less meaning, but I know I was his great love of his life). So now I am in
LS
touch with the one but have interactions with my husband as he still sees the children frequently (they are
quite young). I feel very confused. My religious background was teh reason I split up with my EAP in the
ABO
beginning and he says he would be willing to work at shared values. But I don’t really know which way to
go and either way is difficult. So I just feel… stuck! The level of emotional connection I have with my EAP
UT
is so huge and the level with my husband so minimal it is quite difficult to imagine climbing that
mountain. And I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to let go of my EAP even if I did try to climb the
mountain. Does this make sense?
Reply
DrDeb
July 9th, 2014 at 1:42 PM
Yes, it makes sense but there is no way I could help you w/o actually seeing you and talking this thing
through. I wish it were easier than that.
Reply
Melly
Melly
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July 12th, 2014 at 1:45 PM
Hi Dr. Deb,
®
I am so pleased I found your blog! I do not love my husband. We have been living together for five years,
FIND
and TELEHEALTH
married for two and a half. I have a child SELECT A STATE relationship. He has 4 children from his first
from a previous
marriage.
GET
Four months after we were married, I realised that he is a ‘secret’ drinker. I still can’t believe how stupid I
was to not recognise it. Before we got married, there were issues with the kids (ie that due to his work
HELP
hours I was on my own from 7am until 7pm, and that I couldn’t discipline his kids with time out or
anything so my daughter is the only child in the house who is discplined and faces consequences for bad
LEAR
choices… which in turn impacts on her emotionally) but for all that, I felt that I could trust him implicitly.
For me, that was the fundamental basis of our relationship. And then when I realised about the drinking,
N
and started watching for the drinking and realising it was happening EVERY day, and we had
conversations about how I don’t care if he drinks, but please please don’t hide it from me because I can’t
FOR
bear the deception, but it continued anyway… well, after two years of this, the final straw for me came 8
weeks ago when he drove drunk. With my ten year old daughter in the car. My grandmother was killed in
PROF
a car accident. I hate that people drink and drive. My husband knows this. Yet, he went ahead and did
that. I moved to my mother’s the next day. My daughter and I moved back into the home a week ago, and
ESSI
I can see that my husband really is trying to make changes, but for me it seems too little, too late. When I
look at him, I just see a liar who was so arrogant that the safety of my daughter was jeopardised.
ONA
I don’t just ‘not love him’, sometimes I feel like I actively dislike him. I realise that this is not going to be
helpful
LS for him in overcoming his issues with alcohol. I get so frustrated when he cries and says he needs
to feel love from me because I understand that he means it, but I kind of feel like… ‘well, you had that
already
ABO and it didn’t bloody do you any good’.
He has started to see a psychologist, and I have also met with the psychologist. There is a referral in
place
UT for alcohol dependency counselling, and we will do some relationship counselling also… but I
guess my question is, is there any point? How will I know and how can I tell if I will love him again? At the
moment, I don’t want to stay in the marriage because of him, I only want to stay in the marriage because
of the impact on the wider family and also I really love my stepchildren – we have day-to-day care of
them, I spend more time with them than their biological parents do, and I don’t want to lose them from
my life. But… none of these reasons are actually to do with my husband.
Even a rough idea of a timeframe would be helpful to me in deciding on whether I stick it out or bow out
now.
Thanks for your time.
Reply
Megan
July 12th, 2014 at 11:12 PM
I hurt my boyfriend really bad today. I lied to him, in his face, and he couldn’t believe I could do that to
him. Neither could I. We are in a long-distance relationship, but we were a very happy couple.
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arguments, just love and support. Until recently, I asked my guy friend to accompany me in choosing a
computer since I don’t know anything about technology. He’s been one of my best friends since college
and my boyfriend knew that. I always tell my boyfriend when I’m going out with this friend of mine and
he has been always fine with it. But that day when we bought my computer, I decided not to tell my
boyfriend precisely because I don’t want him to think that I’m going out too much with my friend. I’m in a
GET
foreign city and he’s the only person I know that lives nearby. Anyway, my boyfriend found out but I lied
and it was very obvious. He almost broke up with me but decided to forgive me. But it remains obvious
HELP
how hurt he was and told me that it’s going to be hard rebuilding the relationship and the trust,
especially that we’re continents apart. I love him very much and the thought of the possibility of losing
LEAR
him is killing me. I almost never have any sleep. I cry even in my sleep, have nightmares. How do I fix this?
I’m scared that even if we do fix this, we’ll never be the same happy couple again. :(
N
Reply
FOR
PROF
Carmen
July 13th, 2014 at 1:47 PM
ESSI
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 6 months. I have known him for 3 years now and he has my
first
ONA everything. First boyfriend, literally everything. 3 years ago when we first began to get to know each
other, he hurt me really bad. He ended up hooking up with another girl twice. We weren’t together
officially
LS but the purpose was to get closer to having a real relationship. I felt so betrayed because I
respected our terms and remained loyal to him but he couldn’t do the same. I left him and he kept
contacting
ABO me but I wanted nothing to do with someone who only looked at me as a way to get sex and
be so insensitive to disrespect me and cheat on me. 5 months later he texted me and I decided to talk to
himUT
again and slowly we began to rebuild what we had and finally are in a relationship now. At first it felt
like a dream until he hurt me once more. I surprised him at his house and I found him in the living room
talking to another girl. What hurt was that he completely ignored me. He gave a dry hi not even a kiss or
hug. He didn’t even introduce me to the girl as his girlfriend. He went to drop her off and when he came
back he came back to greet me just like he always does and that threw me off. I was convinced he was
cheating on me because he even had a picture of himself and the same girl as his wallpaper. He claims
until this day that she is just a friend who was there to visit his mother because she took care of her as
child. I fell back into the same hole as 3 years ago. it is so hard to get back from that hurt. Ever since we
had that fall out he’s like a changed man. He’s doing things for me that he’s never done. He’ll take me out
on dates, cook me dinner, and most importantly, putting up with me no matter how much I seem to push
him away. For me its these small things that warm my heart. He claims he’s a changed man and that he
will do anything to prove to me that he really loves me. He has even told me he wishes to marry me. Even
though he is doing everything in his power to show me his love I feel like I the hurt and pain has made me
numb. I know I have feelings for him because just the taught of losing him makes me sick and after
everything he’s done I still choose him over any other guy. I just can’t trust him fully I always feel he’ll do
something to me again. He gets frustrated that I don’t trust him but he’s willing to do anything to get me
g g g g y g g
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to understand. He feels like I don’t show him that I love him and it makes me sad because I do but ILOGIN
know
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deep down its the hurt that’s caused me to become so guarded and cold towards him. How do I fix this?
How can I put the hurt aside and go back to loving him like I use to?
Reply
GET
Nicole
HELP
July 16th, 2014 at 11:54 PM
LEARI hear you on that. I feel the same way. Like u did. I feel really bad. How I treat my boy friend. It
really hurt me so bad too. He did every thing for me and my kids. And i did this to him. I feel really
Nbad. And now I now I want to hurry up and fix my prombles out with him. Before I lose him. And i
really don’t want to lose him at all. And i really do miss him so much with all my heart and soul. And
FORi really do miss him so much always forever. And i really do love him with all my heart and soul. And
he is the most important thing in my life. And i really do love him so much. And i used to treat him
PROFlike a king. And i really do miss it so much. The way I used to treat him like a king. It was my value.
And i really did alot of damage to him. It was never his fault at all. It was me all the time. And i said
ESSIthank you so much for everything. And i really did appreciate everything he did for me and my 3
Beautiful kids. Thank u so much.

ONA
Reply
LS
ABO
DrDeb
July 13th, 2014 at 8:04 PM
UT
Hi Melly
It looks to me like you are taking good steps — your husb has a therapist and is getting alcohol
counseling. I would add two pieces: AlAnon for you and to not have moved back so fast. You have to
watch yourself very carefully not to inadvertently enable your husband. Isn’t there somewhere that HE
can go now? Also, I applaud you for wanting to give a stable home to his children. You may be saving
(emotionally) 4 lives. Here’s the thing: You actually don’t know who your husband IS and neither does he.
If he continues with the AA or whatever special dependency counseling he has and a high quality
therapist, he could make very good progress PROVIDED the rules are clear and no one (including the
therapist) enables him. Why not give it 6 months and see? Can you stick it out that long?
Reply
DrDeb
July 13th, 2014
analyze at 8:09By
our traffic. PMcontinuing to use this site you consent to our cookies.
Hi Megan
Hi Megan,
GETtoLISTED
You have to look inside yourself honestly to figure out what made you insecure enough LOGIN
lie. Something
GoodTherapy ®
in your past? Your parents? etc.? Why not reach out to women that you meet and make new friends? If
your boyfriend sees you as self-reliant and stable then it could restore his trust. Perhaps you need to
work a bit on your own sense of self-esteem and self-confidence.
Reply
GET
HELP
Shawn
July
LEAR17th, 2014 at 5:24 AM
My wife was self employed for 7 years and had serious ups and downs with her income. We used to argue
about
N her getting a job back outside the home. She was a blogger who wrote about food and parenting.
Her paychecks were never steady or reliable to pay our bills on time. We got to a point where I had to
FORfronting her money from our rent that I paid to help buy her some time until her pay came in. She
start
began borrowing money from me almost weekly for work expenses. One morning while waiting for the
PROF bus to come and pick up my daughter, she came outside swearing at me that we clearly missed the
school
bus and told me to start acting like an adult. It was very humiliating and to see the look if horror on my
ESSI
daughters face was hard. She has always spoken down to me in front of our kids and my family members.
I asked for a sit down with her to discuss our problems. A few days prior to our meeting I emailed her a
ONA
few things that were on my mind that I wanted her to think about and asked her to do the same. She did
not. The meeting was not good. I asked her to please talk nicer to me when she is upset and asked her if
sheLS
would start trying to play a part in my family’s lives. She does not really speak to any of them and
stays behind when I take the kids to go visit them. She agrees to speak nicer but wants nothing to do with
ABO
my family and will not make any further efforts. When she apoke all she said was that she feels like I
don’t even like her anymore. I told her that was not true and I will make changes to that immediately. I
UT
told her I will never give up on our marriage and would never consider a divorce. She got mad and asked
me why I would do that and don’t we both deserve to be happy if things can’t be fixed. That hurt me
deeply to hear that divorce was even a possibility in her mind. From that day forward I changed
everything in the way that I support her financially and emotionally. I took on all kinds of extra
responsibility so that she could do more with her career. We began making love 3-4 times a week. Then a
job opportunity came up that was 7 hours north of our home. She wanted to interview for it and asked me
to take off 3 days from work so she could drive up to do so. I agreed. When she came back she began
talking about me staying behind to see through the short sale on our home and eventually joining her up
north. I did not like the sound of that. She wanted to leave me and our two dogs behind. I lost my job and
began looking for work where her new job was. Miraculously I found a job near hers and wanted to get an
apartment together. She said she could not find a place that would take animals and that we would have
to live separately for a year for now. Every alarm in my heart was going off now. I knew there was a
problem and she was evading me about it. When we moved out to the new area she shut me out
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telling me what was wrong and she finally said that she isn’t happy She hasn’t given me any details as to
telling me what was wrong and she finally said that she isn t happy. She hasn t given me any details as to
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why. I am living in a vacuum and don’t know what to do. I gave her the choice between counseling or
®
divorce. She chose counseling and says that she wants to try and work things out. The few times I have
seen her I don’t get any feeling that she misses me at all. If she can’t tell me that she loves me I am
worried that counseling may not help. I don’tSELECT
FIND TELEHEALTH think you can talk someone into loving you or reason with
A STATE
someone to have feelings for you. She won’t start counseling for another 3 weeks because she is too
GETat her new job. This situation has hurt me deeply. She swore to me that she wasn’t leaving me
busy
before we moved. I could have stopped this from happening because it is illegal to take kids more than
HELP
70 miles from their parent. I knew if I invoked that and cost her the dream job she always wanted that I
was heading for a divorce for sure. So I took a leap of faith and allowed this to happen. I have been an
LEAR
emotional mess and fell into a depression over this. I don’t know why she didn’t jump at the opportunity
for divorce when I put it on the table. That is the only thing I have to hang into as a sign of hope and that
isn’tNmuch. If we do divorce I will try to get custody of our children and that will start a war with no end. I
don’t want this to happen. I am devestated that she lied to me. Can counseling help this situation or am I
FOR
destined for a divorce?
Reply
PROF
ESSI
Thomas
ONA
July 17th, 2014 at 10:00 AM
My fiancé who I love very much and have been together for almost 10 years and have 2 children. We both
LS
love each other very much but she has told me that she has been holding back her feelings to spare me
and now she feels that she has neglected to take care if her own feelings. She tells me that she wants to
ABO
stay with me but now she is in doubt on her feelings on the long term. Basically, she says she does not
know right now. She also says that it does not mean she won’t stay with me but just now she is confused
UT
on how to feel. She is afraid just like me to leave each other and start over cause of AIDS and the thought
of getting to know a person and hoping that they are not gonna cheat or be violent. Please help me on
what to do
Reply
DrDeb
July 18th, 2014 at 9:33 AM
Hi Thomas
If your fiance is confused, there has to be a reason. Perhaps she isn’t really confused but is afraid to admit
to herself the real reason. I suggest she get counseling to help her figure this out. You don’t want to start
a marriage that was wrong from the beginning. In the meantime, I also suggest you get counseling to get
GoodTherapy usesitcookies
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is because thatcookies.
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profession that deems it fine for the same therapist to see both members of a couple alone. In this way,
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she or he will get a much better picture of what could be the problem.
®
Reply
GET DrDeb
July 18th, 2014 at 2:21 PM
HELP
Hi Shawn,
Here is what I am hearing from your msg: There is a part of you that lacks empathy, is disconnected.
LEAR
Maybe I am wrong because it is just a letter. But I am puzzled how you can talk about “borrowing from my
money” when you are married and it is both your money. Psychologically, it seems there was a disconnect
N
right there. I am not saying her reaction was nice. It was not. Generally in cases like this BOTH people
have something to learn about life. But I am focusing on you because you are the one that asked. Next,
FOR
you say that if you do divorce, you will try to get custody. This also bothers me. Unless she is an unfit
mother — on drugs or something– the children need both of their parents. Why wouldn’t you want
PROF
shared custody? See, these things make me think that perhaps you can be controlling. Now, on top of it,
you have fallen into depression. This tells me that you actually lack some of the coping skills you need.
ESSI
[And BTW, controlling people often do lack them; that is why they resort to pressuring others.] Anyway,
please see an MFT together.
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO Phil
July 19th, 2014 at 6:58 AM
UT
Hello Dr. Deb,
My girlfriend and I recently broke up after a 3 month relationship in which there was at least one other
break up. Earlier this week she said she didn’t love me anymore and that she doesn’t want to be with me
ever again. I realized eventually that through out the course of the relationship I was being emotionally
abusive towards her in my actions and reactions. I came to the conclusion that I was projecting my
feelings towards myself on to her and that I was really hurting both of us. After futile attempts to try to
get her back I’m now in place where I’m trying to increase my awareness of how I feel and my emotional
intelligence. I just recently started counseling earlier this week to help achieve this.
What concerns me right now is the fact that it had been three weeks since I spoke to her and her anger
and rage only seems to be growing and she said that she’s okay with it even though she knows that it
may be unhealthy to be holding on to it. I’m not sure how to feel about that, she was already dealing with
her own emotional conflicts and seeing a therapist (though she is currently away for the summer) before
we got together. I know that we each individually have to work on ourselves and make progress but the
way she is dealing with things right now I wonder if there is a future for us. I’m not sure what to do at this
point.
po t.
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Reply ®
FINDMaria
TELEHEALTH SELECT A STATE
July
GET19th, 2014 at 6:22 PM
I have been in a relationship with my husband for almost 8 years and almost 6 years of being married. 3
years
HELP ago my feelings changed, and everyday since than I’ve tried to get them back. We have 2 kids
together (2 and 5 years old). We never did anything before getting married ( we were forced to get
married
LEAR because we got knocked up) we were not ready to get married. I had everyone telling us it was
the right thing to do and basically forcing us to. I know he loves me and we fight a lot. My feelings aren’t
there
N at all. I dont feel anything when we kiss or have sex. It’s almost like I’m forcing myself to for him..
And it sucks cause I know he deserves better, But I dont want to loose my family cause my kids love us
together
FOR and I know how a divorce can ruin everything… I just dont know what to do. We go to a therapist
, but it breaks my heart that he wants to keep trying and I do too but I’m not feeling anything. I know he
wants
PROF me to love him and show him it, but I dont feel it at all…
Reply
ESSI
ONA
DrDeb
LS July 20th, 2014 at 1:59 PM
Hi Phil,
ABOof all, why don’t you discuss this with your therapist? Second, her therapist who is away for the
First
summer should either have put in place a way to contact her such as email, phone, or Skype, or have a
UT
substitute. There are a lot of emotions here that need to be examined, understood, regulated, and
possibly changed.
Reply
DrDeb
July 20th, 2014 at 2:02 PM
Hi Maria,
This is serious! If your therapist is not able to move from couples therapy to individual with you to help
you with how you have cut off your feelings, that is a problem. A good Marriage & Family Therapist can
work with both the couple or any individual in that family. It is NOT all about behavior. Feelings count! No
one can live a life without them. You need to find out what it is you are hiding from yourself and then
what to do
GoodTherapy about
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Rosa
July 21st, 2014 at 7:26 AM
MyGET
husband and I have been together for a little over a year and just recently got married. He came into
my life unexpectedly. I had already been through a couple of long and unsuccessful relationships which
both
HELPfailed because ultimately neither of those men treated me with respect and both of them ended up
being abusive in the end of each relationship…and even through all of that I never cheated or
LEAR
disrespected them when I was in the relationship with them. I just turned myself off, my feelings I guess.
And I just let out what was necessary. After the last relationship ended I stayed like that… Not opening
N up to anyone.. Like I was living in protective mode and I planned to stay like that and not to open
myself
myself up to a chance to be hurt again. I was honestly in a bad place in my life.. Depressed and convinced
FOR
that I would never be happy again. But then I met my husband.
This relationship I have with my husband now is a completely different world for me. He came into my life
PROF I least expected it and he brought back a part of me that I lost during all the bad times. He made
when
me feel happy again. We have always completely open and honest with each other about everything and
ESSIeach other 100 percent which has given us the opportunity to explore things in our relationship and
trust
Recently we have been exploring some fantasies. After some talking and planning we decided to bring
ONA
someone in to our sexual relationship. The plan was for it to be a purely physical thing with no emotion.
Just for the fantasy and pleasure for us to share. We planned to try several different things, but the first
LS
time we did this we brought another man in. We had talked and agreed on what we were ok with… All the
what ifs and everything. We were prepared… I thought. The plan for the first time was for me to be with
ABO
this man and to video it. When the time came to do all this we ended up having some problems…for one,
the camera did not record like planned so that part of my husbands fantasy to watch that was ruined…
UT
and on top of that the man that I was with had a little much to drink before all this started so it took a lot
longer than we had planned… And I realized how long it was taking but I didn’t take the initiative to do
something to stop it…I wanted to.. I tried to find a way to, but Instead I let him continue in order to not
make him feel bad for the alcohol induced performance problems… And in doing that I disrespected my
husbands feelings. In that moment without realizing it I hurt my husband in a way it don’t know if I can
ever repair. My husband ended up getting upset and coming to interrupt to put an end to it. So now we
have a big problem. My husband feels disrespected and made a fool of because I didn’t take control of
the situation. And in turn he has lost all trust and respect for me. The kind of trust and respect we had is
something that neither of us had ever had with anyone before and is devastating to lose. We both still
love each other more than anything in the world, but that can’t survive without trust and respect. At this
point I need advice on how to begin to gain his trust and respect again. I can’t blame anyone for this but
myself. I don’t want to hear “you should have never done that in the first place”. That is no help. At this
point what is done is done. I need help to try to fix it. Any suggestions or ideas or advice is greatly
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Kim
®
JulyFIND TELEHEALTH
22nd, 2014 at 11:47 PM SELECT A STATE
My husband and I married very young, he was immature and after the birth of my son I was still over
GET and exhausted and didn’t take care of myself. He told me that he was not attracted to me, that he
weight
had pictured two younger girls wondering what they looked like naked. I lost a lot of weight another guys
HELPme how good I looked…he never said one word! Several years later he was talking to my son and
told
said that he saw a girl he had gone to school with and had he known she would end up looking like that.
LEARafter 28 years of marriage he works with someone that he finds attractive. I have become very
Now
resentful and have a love hate relationship with him. He is being patient with me as I battle these
N
emotions that he has created. Will I ever get over this pain of always feeling inadequate to other women
in his eyes!?!?!?
FOR
Reply
PROF
ESSI DrDeb
July 23rd, 2014 at 9:33 AM
ONA
Hi Kim
If you go to my other blog, on my website, drdeb.com, there are some articles that deal with sex, porn,
LS
and so forth. I realize that that is not your problem. However, your problem is related in the following
way: Men who focus on the body have a lot of trouble focusing on the mind and spirit. They are educated
ABO
in our society to turn off their deeper feelings until they are disconnected from them. The only way they
can connect is through the body because the emotions have been cut off (and the mind, too). What I
UT
advise is a really, really competent therapist who will work with the two of you together to help him turn
on his feelings (which means helping him overcome his early learning to turn them off). It is a painful
process but rewarding at the end.
Reply
J
July 25th, 2014 at 8:22 AM
I need help…
I made the biggest mistake of my life by cheating on my spouse. We have been together 6 years. I cut off
the other person before my wife learned about the situation because I had learned that I already had
everything at home I could want. I knew that I loved my wife. but the other person continued to try to
contact me. Her father found out what I had done and told me He would not tell her but I needed too so I
agreed that I would. But he told her before I had the chance too. So I admitted and I told my wife what
g y
had happened. She is devastated and doesn’t want anything to do with me. She saysGET LISTED
as of LOGIN
right now we
GoodTherapy ®
are not together but she doesn’t know what the future holds for us. I will do absolutely anything to earn
her back. She needs space she said and I am willing to give her that. But at the same time it is hard to
give her that. I don’t want to lose contact with her and a kind of out of sight out of mind situation. How
long do I wait to contact her or reach out to her. What can I do to earn a chance to fix what I have ruined. I
am so lost without her. I take full responsibility for my actions and am deeply sorry and I will truly do
GET
anything to have a second chance with her.
HELP
Reply
LEAR
DrDeb
N
July 26th, 2014 at 7:40 PM
HiFOR
J
Being sorry isn’t enough. What you did eroded trust. How can YOU be sure (let alone your wife) that you
will
PROF NEVER in a hundred years do this again? What you need to do is work with a therapist who can help
you (a) quickly figure out why you did this and (b) give you the tools to withstand the challenges of life
going
ESSI forward. Please see an MFT (Marriage & Family Therapist) who does more than just talk. Maybe a
Gestalt therapist, CBT. But not a psychodynamic type as that therapy is a long-term deal. When your wife
sees
ONAyou as having a different attitude because of the work you’ve done, then there is a possibility she
will be willing to take a chance again.

LS
Reply
ABO
UT Cristina
July 26th, 2014 at 7:55 PM
I have been with my husband for over 12 years, 9 have been married. About a year and a half ago I
confessed that I lied in the beginning of our relationship about the number of sexual partners I had in my
past. It devastated him until he confessed he had been unfaithful earlier in the year. It was difficult at the
time but we decided to stay together and try everything we could to fix our relationship. We haven’t been
in love for a long time now and haven’t uttered”I life you” in all this time. We tried counseling but weren’t
able to get past our distrust and our past. About 4 months ago we decided to try a separation but
couldn’t stay away. We want to be with each other and fall back in love but we don’t know how. We have
no children but know we want to fix our marriage. I don’t know what to do.
Reply
DrDeb
July 27th 2014 at 11:16 AM
July 27th, 2014 at 11:16 AM
Hi Cristina GET LISTED LOGIN
GoodTherapy ®
My question to you, about your previous therapy: Did it focus on why there was a problem on your
husband’s part with your previous sexual partners? If the problem was religious, there is such a thing as
repentance and forgiveness. If the problem was your lying, then the question is: why did you feel a need
to lie? Were you afraid of him? If that was part of it–and this requires soul-searching w your therapist’s
help–then
GET it is no wonder that you can’t get the love back. A husband should not be a person we are
afraid of. If it was fear, then your husband has the work to do to be a different kind of presence for you. If
itHELP
was not fear but your own low self esteem, then THAT is what you need to work on in therapy. You see,
depending on the reasons underlying the behavior, the process of healing is different.
LEAR
Reply
FOR
C
July 30th, 2014 at 1:09 PM
IPROF
have a problem. I’m pretty young 23 and so is my boyfriend, well, ex. We dated for around 6 year (not
including a year that we broke up two years ago). Our relationship when we got back together two years
ESSI
ago was amazing. We were happier than ever before and we understood each other great and we were
best friends and always talked about the future and building a life together. We were both very much in
ONABut then around 4 months ago I got sexually assaulted while out with a girlfriend and it left me very
love.
emotionally apart. I would hang out with him but I was never really there because I was dealing with what
LS
happened to me, and even when we would talk on the phone I would never really be listening. In the end
he fell out of love and I don’t blame him. He ended up being seduced by a girl who wanted to hurt her
ABO
fiancé and cheated. I myself was finally three weeks go able to work past what was done to me and I
wanted to fix things with him because I didn’t want to lose someone so special to me and he broke up
UT
with me. I am devastated especially when I feel the guy who hurt me had already done enough I feel now
I lost the love of my life and my best friend. I feel like I can forgive him for what he did with the girl
because i know i was distant and ignored him emotionally. But he doesn’t want to give me another
chance. He says its not my fault that he just wants to see what other people are like and travel. But I know
that I pushed him away. I want him back and to show him that I’m the person I was before this mess
happened. I don’t know what to do.
Reply
DrDeb
July 30th, 2014 at 3:13 PM
Hi C
GoodTherapy
So let meuses cookies
ask you to personalize
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because of
cancer (God forbid) Would he find you less attractive because you weren’t perfect? I’m bothered by his
cancer (God forbid). Would he find you less attractive because you weren t perfect? I m bothered by his
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lack of compassion, not your lack of listening. YOU were traumatized, not him. But he made it all about
®
him and so are you now, too. The fact that you got along so well for so long is very nice but you started
out real young, too young to know how a person would handle life. And then HE cheated and he doesn’t
want to TELEHEALTH
FIND give YOU another chance??? Something’s mixed
SELECT up here.
A STATE
Reply
GET
HELP
Shena
LEAR 1st, 2014 at 12:19 AM
August
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years now. We’ve bee fighting quite a bit and he broke up
withNme once. During that time, i became close with a guy. He fell for me and i think i have feelings for
him too. But my boyfriend and i decided to try and fix things. We were on the right track, but he left for
FOR
army a week after. And our relationship is still weak. I know it’s wrong, but i kept contact with the other
guy and i’m so confused now. He wants me to give him a chance but i’m not sure what to do :( I can’t
PROF
leave my boyriend for someone else. Eventhough he has been treating me like shit, he deserves more
than that. What should i do?
ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS TJ
August 1st, 2014 at 8:54 AM
ABO
I need help. My ex girlfriend and I just recently broke up because currently we cannot afford to live with
each other and we are now states apart from each other. She wants to see other people for now and
UT
hopefully in two years when things settle down and we can both get on our feet we can see where we in
life and get back together. I am currently hurting a lot and I am ok with her plan but I feel hurt, I feel like I
cannot trust her anymore, and I feel betrayed. What should I do? We both still keep in contact with each
other and talk daily still.
Reply
Marina
Hello,
I’ve been engaged since January and we were happy as ever. Since I’m Brazilian we decided to have our
little ceremony there with my friends and family and his parents and sister, and having a second party
here in Canada for his family and friends afterwards. My mother in law showed how selfish she is since
day one making a huge drama about everything. My fiance feeling guilty decided to have a huge party
here before Brazil and that hid mothers happiness and needs when it came to the wedding details should
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come first because he was doing this for her.
After six months of being betrayed and hurt I decoded to cancel everything and work on whatever was
left of our relationship after this.
He now realized how wrong he has been and is fully committed to change everything and to show me
how he is putting me always first, no matter what.
GET
The problem is that I’ve been so hurt so manyttimes that now I’m discouraged of trying one more time. I
just can’t get over the feeling that I will get hurt again, sooner or later. I could even start seeing my life
HELP
without him but because I trully love him and because he asked for one last chance, I stay. The issue is
that
LEARhe wants me to be fully committed and upbeat and in a happy place with this and I’m not. I’m still
hurt and seeing him as a five year old boy, not a man.
WillNI ever be able to get over this and look at him with the same eyes I used to?
Reply
FOR
PROF
DrDeb
ESSI August 1st, 2014 at 12:01 PM
Hi Shena
Of course, I don’t know your complete situation, but I’m getting the sense that what’s mixing you up is
ONA
that you (and maybe your boyfriend) have confused the excitement of first getting to know someone with
realLSlove. Romantic love feels great but it only works well–and long term–with the right person. The right
person loves you for who you are including all the irritating things that will come to annoy him 20 years
from
ABOnow. That’s true love. So you have the wonderful feeling of being the object of interest but that
doesn’t substitute for true love. First thing to do is to have a frank discussion with your real boyfriend
UT his mistreatment. He has to commit to making changes or getting help if he can’t figure out how to
about
treat a woman by himself. Can you talk while he is in the military or is he overseas? Naturally, being
separated, he will probably long for you so anything he commits to now has to be re-discussed when he
is with you. Then with the second guy, the truth is, you don’t know him well enough to know if he would
be a better match for you, so you can’t make any assumptions. For sure though, do not start a new
relationship when you’re in an old one. It is not only confusing but doesn’t make you look very good to
the second one, let alone the original boyfriend.
Reply
Tina
August 2nd, 2014 at 7:58 AM
I have been dating for my boyfriend for a little bit but he was married for 13 years to this woman that
really hurt him. He just started telling me that I cam do so much better than him and that he is scared of
anything because of what she did. I really don’t know what to do. He has kids and I have a kid. They all
a yt g because o at s e d d. eally do t o at to do. e as ds a d a ea d. ey all
get a long great and my daughter really likes him. I’m starting to get a lot of feelingsGET
for LISTED
him and heLOGIN
told
GoodTherapy ®
me to get rid of my feelings because he doesn’t know what to do since she hurt him. He told me that he
can’t go through something like that again. I just don’t know what to do. How can I get him to trust me
and show him that I’m not going to hurt him. To top it off I met his mom and she doesn’t like me. I
introduced my self to her and all I get is an attitude from her and she makes it very uncomfortable.
GET
Reply
HELP
DrDeb
LEAR
August 2nd, 2014 at 10:30 PM
Hi TJN
Well, I am puzzled. If she really loves you, why does she want to date other people? If she is not sure,
then
FORbeing in different states will not help. Perhaps she is not sure how to tell you it’s over? Perhaps she
is just immature or selfish? I can’t tell without more information.
PROF
Reply
ESSI
ONA
DrDeb
LS
Hi Marina,
You’re asking a good question. Generally, people don’t change in their deepest core too readily. If he is
ABO of his mother or of feeling guilty because of what she says, then he would need to work hard on
afraid
getting over that — and that piece is difficult. If he wants you to be upbeat and happy under these
UT
circumstances, then he is really out of touch. May I suggest you go to a couples therapist so as to (a) help
him understand you and (b) develop the strength to gently point out to his mom that your relationship
comes first.
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Tina,
Maybe this man married his mother the first time? Interesting that he has a not-nice mother and an ex-
wife that was not nice. I am sure readers of this blog may be tired of hearing me say “therapy” so much,
but I’ll say it again: I would like to recommend couples therapy. I don’t think you really, really know who
he is deep
GoodTherapy down
uses and I don’t
cookies think he does,
to personalize either.
content and ads to provide better services for our users and to 
Reply analyze our traffic. By continuing to use this site you consent to our cookies.
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beth
®
August
FIND 4th, 2014 at 9:57 AM
I just found this website searching for links to help save my marriage. My Husband and I have been
together
GET for 12 years and married for 9. We have 4 children. Recently he got a job that would cause us to
move away from our home town, family and friends. He moved four months before us, I was scared to
move
HELP and told him I wasnt sure if I wanted to move or to be with him. I was unsure about our relationship
because its has has its ups and downs. I didnt want to move away and be alone while dealing with issues
inLEAR
our relationship. This hurt him so much, id never seen him act this way. He was desperate to have his
family and told me everything I ever wanted to hear. He promised to our children things would be better
and Nto me. Two months later right before we moved he told me he had found a girlfriend there and didnt
love me. We I thought worked through it and I moved our family there. We have been there only two
FOR and he tells me he doesnt love me anymore and will be moving into an apartment. He wants me
weeks
and our children to stay so he can see them daily. Im devistated and cant imagine his feelings have gone
PROFbeing madly in love to having no love in two months. I would do anything to have him back I love
from
him so much and with everything we have been through I cant imagine him calling it quits. He says it is
ESSI
not because of a nother woman but I cant imagine why he would feel the need to move out after two
weeks of living together again. Basically I dont know where to go from here and I cant imagine breaking
ONA
my childrens heart and telling them we moved our lives to be a family and daddy is now moving out.
Reply
LS
ABO
Carmen
UT
August 7th, 2014 at 7:58 AM
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 6 months. I have known him for 3 years now and he has my
first everything. First boyfriend, literally everything. 3 years ago when we first began to get to know each
other, he hurt me really bad. He ended up hooking up with another girl twice. We weren’t together
officially but the purpose was to get closer to having a real relationship. I felt so betrayed because I
respected our terms and remained loyal to him but he couldn’t do the same. I left him and he kept
contacting me but I wanted nothing to do with someone who only looked at me as a way to get sex and
be so insensitive to disrespect me and cheat on me. 5 months later he texted me and I decided to talk to
him again and slowly we began to rebuild what we had and finally are in a relationship now. At first it felt
like a dream until he hurt me once more. I surprised him at his house and I found him in the living room
talking to another girl. What hurt was that he completely ignored me. He gave a dry hi not even a kiss or
hug. He didn’t even introduce me to the girl as his girlfriend. He went to drop her off and when he came
back he came back to greet me just like he always does and that threw me off. I was convinced he was
GoodTherapy
cheating uses
on mecookies
becausetohe
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child. I fell back into the same hole as 3 years ago. it is so hard to get back from that hurt. Ever since we
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had that fall out he’s like a changed man. He’s doing things for me that he’s never done. He’ll take me out
®
on dates, cook me dinner, and most importantly, putting up with me no matter how much I seem to push
him away. For me its these small things that warm my heart. He claims he’s a changed man and that he
FIND
will TELEHEALTH
do anything to prove to me that he reallySELECT A STATE
loves me. He has even told me he wishes to marry me. Even
though he is doing everything in his power to show me his love I feel like the hurt and pain has made me
GET I know I have feelings for him because just the taught of losing him makes me sick and after
numb.
everything he’s done I still choose him over any other guy. I just can’t trust him fully I always feel he’ll do
HELP
something to me again. He gets frustrated that I don’t trust him but he’s willing to do anything to get me
to understand. He feels like I don’t show him that I love him and it makes me sad because I do but I know
LEARdown its the hurt that’s caused me to become so guarded and cold towards him. How do I fix this?
deep
How can I put the hurt aside and go back to loving him like I use to?
N
Reply
FOR
PROF Sabrena
ESSI
hie am a 25 years old woman I have been in a relationship with a man for 30months. I met this man early
2012 we were staying in the same complex things started all as a joke ad time went on I was advise that
ONA
he was married I asked him he refused and as time went on I literally believed him as he will stays here in
Pretoria but his family is from Mpumalanga. so I told myself that if he is married I will see his wife coming
LS
time went on I feel inlove with him he used to go to Mpumalanga 2 weekends a month I never minded as
he had a daughter there who her mum passed on. In 2013 I went to a funeral with him I got a chance to be
ABO
introduced to his family member all went well. He gave me a right to go to Mpumalanga if I want to and I
never really bothered as I trusted him. He asked me to move in with him I refused as I didn’t want to tush
UT
into things we recently had a baby all was good he is still asking me to move in but I can’t. 3weeks ago I
discovered he has a another woman there in Mpumalanga what must I do.
Reply
Anna
August 10th, 2014 at 5:24 PM
Hello DrDeb,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. Just in June we were looking at engagment rings. Then
in July I found out I didn’t get into a grad program I had my heart set on. That same week I also didn’t get
a job I wanted. I was really upset and got pretty angry. I wanted my boyfriend to comfort me but since he
didn’t know what to do and I didn’t tell him what I wanted things got bad. I felt like he didn’t care when
he just didn’t know how to react. This ended in me storming out of his apartment and leaving my promise
ring there. It’s now august and things aren’t any better. He says I really hurt him when I did that and he
g g g y y y
GEThim
doesn’t know how to get around it. He’s even thinking about ending everything. I love LISTED
so muchLOGIN
and
GoodTherapy ®
I’m so angry this has snowballed. Do you have any advice?
Reply
GET
DrDeb
HELP August 10th, 2014 at 6:50 PM
Hi Beth,
Your
LEARstory is contradictory. First you say you weren’t sure you even wanted to continue the relationship.
Then, after he promises everything and you move, and he does not love you any more, now you love him
so much.
N Are your feelings really love or fear of loss? Fear of being alone? And the same question can be
asked of his up and down feelings. What I’m thinking is that you don’t know who you are let alone who he
is FOR
— and he has the same problem. I hate to keep saying “therapy” in this column but I guess that’s why
God created therapists.
PROF
Reply
ESSI
ONA
DrDeb
LS
Hi Carmen,
I’m not sure that it is right of you to expect yourself to sweep this dust under the carpet. I’m still stuck
ABOat the moment you walked into his LR and he did not hug and kiss you and say to the other girl,
back
“Here is my girlfriend, Carmen.” And why was she his wallpaper if she just came to visit his mother?
UT
Marriage is not for cheats and liars. Until these funny things get 110% cleared up, I would not trust him no
matter how nice he is to you.
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Sabrena,
It looks like this guy is having fun seeing how many women he can keep on the side. You do not need this.
This is not a real relationship; this is someone taking advantage of you. Have more pride in yourself and
your value than that.
Reply
DrDeb GET LISTED LOGIN
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Hi Anna,
®
Somewhere in your life, anger was acceptable. But it isn’t, especially at the wrong object. Your boyfriend
didn’t cause you to not get into the grad program of get the job. When outside circumstances like that
happen,
GET it’s a signal for you to think: How can I improve myself? instead of getting angry. That said, now I
strongly urge you to get therapy to figure out where the anger came from and most importantly, how to
look
HELPat Life in a healthier way so you don’t get angry, especially not at innocent people. If you see a
marriage & family therapist who is skilled at anger issues, then you can eventually bring him into the
therapy
LEAR so he can see that you are, indeed, working on yourself and this won’t happen in the future.
Reply
N
FOR
vicky
PROF 12th, 2014 at 12:13 AM
August
I’m im a relationship for 2 years now. My problem is that my bfriend can get very angry and says a lot of
ESSI that hurts and because he knows me it hurts bad. One day I was at work and he got angry – not
thinks
because if me, but he wanted to take it on me on the phone. When I came back he locked me outside the
ONA and I couldn’t get in. He was still arguing and I phoned the police. They took him to the police
doors
station to sober up and calmed down. Now he doesn’t speak to me and says it’s my fault because I put
himLS
in the box for few hours. I do love him and I know it hurt him, but i still want to fight for us. Anything I
can do? I would appreciate any advise
ABO
Reply
UT
Jess
I found this website while researching my complicated relationship with my husband of 2 years. We met
online as friends 5 years ago and fell in love. We dedicated everything to be with each other as we lived
separated by the Pacific ocean. Finally in 2 years ago he proposed and set into plan moving to live with
me. However, I still lived with my parents after being sick for many years. Meeting my husband had set
me in motion into becoming a independent, healthy individual after 10 years of neglecting myself. His
love saved me. My parents loved him and had no problem with us living in their house while we set up
our lives together. BUT, living with my parents for so long showed the worse side of me. A side my
husband hadn’t seen and didn’t like. I was stubborn and got irritated easily, a trait that I now know was
conditioned from living with my father who shows the exact same attitude.
We had fights to personalize
often, usually content
from a small and adsthat
disagreement to provide better
always blew upservices for ourarguement
into a massive users and to 
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that left us bitter ouralways
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continuing to But
things. usewe
this site you
seemed to consent
make up to our cookies.
everytime.
We moved out a year after being married and finally had our own place Things seemed great but I didn’t
We moved out a year after being married and finally had our own place. Things seemed great but I didn t
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see my husband slowly moving emotionally away from me. It all blew up on my birthday this year. It was
®
our most violent fight. I had developed a headache just before we were meant to go out for the night so I
was in bed. Something just snapped in my husband and he tipped out of the bed suddenly, knocking my
bedside table over in the process. I was scared
FIND TELEHEALTH and acted
SELECT in fear by shouting at him and hitting him on his
A STATE
back repeatedly saying that being his wife didn’t give him the right to treat me like that. I was ready to
GET him that night, but I stayed as he quietly told me everything he had been keeping from me.
leave
He told me he wasn’t attracted to me, certain features of me physical and my personality he hated. He
HELP the arguements and most of all he felt I had betrayed his trust.
hated
I was so lost and confused. I was sure this was the end of my marriage, there was no fixing this this time.
LEAR
Promises wouldn’t be enough. Somehow, we sat down and talked and moved on but now there was a
wall between us. We kept to our routines; he would kiss me when leaving for work sbd let me hug him
N warmth was gone.
but the
I did a lot of research and listening to my husband and he continually spoke out every thought to me on
FOR
why he wasn’t attracted to me anymore and how I would react if he cheated or he left. It hurt a lot but I
listened and answered honestly any questions he wanted from me.
PROF
I decided to lock away my feelings for this time period, crying or feeling sorry for myself wouldn’t help
my marriage.
ESSI
It wasn’t until I found this website that I realised what had happened to my husband and me. I was always
confused when he said I had betrayed him. After reading this article I know now that my unfulfilled
ONA
promises of improving myself had hurt him deeply. We had made promises to each other the first day we
met physically; both of us vowed to get in shape and improve ourselves. My husband felt he had fulfilled
LS
his part but I was slacking with my end. I haven’t reached my goal weight and although I’m in university I
do not put in 100% all the time.
ABO
After reading this article I have a deeper insight into how I hurt my husband. I was naive in thinking that
not reaching my goals wouldn’t hurt anyone.
UT
I’m writing this to say that the advice on this website worked. Everything began to fall into place as I
showed my husband my motivation to be that better person I promised to him. He slowly opened back up
to me and after 4 months I got a “I love you” from him, which frankly shocked me into speechlessness.
After so long keeping my feelings locked up, it felt great to show him how much I still loved him.
Since then we gave gone strength to strength, our love life is better than it ever was and we barely argue
at all. I feel a lot of my bad habits of being stubborn or misunderstanding have gone and I have beem
rewarded with my efforts through this tough time by a husband who tells me I look prettier every passing
day.
I hope this brings some encouragement to others in difficult relationships situtations and to listen to
DrDeb. I never would have gotten to this point in my marriage without this revelation, thank you.
Reply
sue analyze our traffic. By continuing to use this site you consent to our cookies.
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Since the last two weeks in April my husband has been spending the weekends with his female friend.
®
She had lost he fiance and has been in and out of the hospital and has had to move back in with her
parents…he’s been right by her side. He even went to florida for a few days with her because she didn’t
FIND
want to TELEHEALTH SELECT
go by herself. I had even suggested us A STATE
all hanging out together. There was always some excuse
not to include me. Posting selfies all over facebook it looks like something else is going on as if they are
GET
dating. I don’t have a problem with platonic friendships of the opposite sex but after 10 weekends I told
my husband how I felt…I explained to him that he had stopped doing “the little things” and that I wanted
HELP
to spend time with him. He said he had not realized that and we discussed having a date night. So a
friday he went to see her at the hospital not letting me go with him, he stayed the night in the hospital
LEAR
with her and that saturday made plans for him and i to go out to dinner & movie. Several hours had
passed since we had made the plans and had not heard from him so i sent him a text. He said that they
N
were at the pharmacy then going to see a movie…he said we could do out date on sunday…i was so mad
and hurt. I felt like she was more important than me…needless to say we got into an arguement and he
FOR
didn’t have date with me sunday instead took her fishing. With all the posts on facebook, i see him doing
things with her that he should be doing with me…
PROF
A male friend that i’ve known 17 years was visiting from out of state as his sister was in hospital…i had
lunch with him twice, both times letting my husband know…but after the cancelled date for him to take
ESSI
here to the movies i was mad…i took a day off from work to clear my head…i asked my male friend if he
wanted to ride down to the beach with me…after swimming at the beach we went back to my parents
ONA
camper to shower and get cleaned up…i watched a little tv and when the show went off i went outside
until my male friend was out of the shower and dressed…and while i was showering and dressing he was
LS
outside on his phone but had come back in before i was done. I did not exit the bathroom until i was fully
dressed. I fixed my hair or it will tangle and we left for home. I was wrong not to tell my husband my
ABO
friend was going with me…but others knew and had told him. I didn’t tell my husband because i was still
mad at him. I finally told him several days later…but it was too late because he thinks i cheated and i did
UT
not. I didn’t tell him i went outside when my friend was showering. At the time i told him and we were
arguing he would not let me talk without shooting down everything i said and still accused me of
cheating. I tried explaining what i did and giving him more details of me being outside…he sees it as
having two stories and still believes i cheated. He still doesn’t see him doing anything wrong by spending
all his time with his female friend. It’s been over a month now…nearly two…he continues to spend his
weekends with her and maybe a night during the week…he says he doesn’t trust me and still thinks i
cheated…nothing i do seems to help…he doesn’t know whether to stay or go…and i want so much to fight
for our marriage. I never cheated.
Reply
sue
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I want to know how to be able or if I’m even able to regain the love that I once had for my partner? This
person cheated on me many times, but I was still there by them when they were going through their
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addictions and trying to fight them. Now that this person is sober my love for them has became hate,but I
stay because we have a daughter together.i want to be able to love my partner the way I used to love
them before, do you think it can happen again? Please help
Reply
GET
HELP DrDeb
LEAR
Hi Vicky
Why are you more concerned about the pain you caused your boyfriend than the pain he caused you? If
N
we don’t take care of ourselves, why would we expect others to take care of us? When you get on a
plane, they tell you, if you’re traveling w a child and the O2 needs to come down, put it on yourself first
FOR
or you will pass out and then you and the child will lose oxygen. Does that make sense to you? my
question for you to think about is: When will you start protecting yourself from verbal abuse? Dump the
PROF
guy if he is more concerned for himself than you. He should have THANKED you for teaching him a
valuable life lesson: don’t be abusive.
ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS
aran
August
ABO 14th, 2014 at 4:25 AM
I loved my girlfriend Tanya but whilst I was going through a rough time I spoke to another girl and it
relived
UT my stress and made me feel happy.I thought I started to get feelings for this girl (it wasn’t I just
liked talking)and I told my gf. But I love my gf and she left me and she says she can’t trust me anymore
but that she still loves me. What can I do?
Reply
tyler
I’ve have recently become aware of how abusive I have been to my gf. I judged and shamed and
manipulated her without really even thinking about it. I love her deeply and I know what I have to do to
change, but we’ve been over this ground before.
Reply
teri
teri
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August 14th, 2014 at 12:43 PM ®
IIve been in a relationship for 7 years . I cheated a couple of times n i was also women enough to let him
know. But what i wana knw how can a man says he love u but when u ask.him ? S he dosent respond
about anything serious anyway. If u talk about muve he can hear n everything else. Y is that ? N i told him
if he cant open up its over n he said olewell thats something that i cant do. What.kind of stuff is that i
GET
been dealing wit it for a while n nw im juz fed up.
Reply
HELP
LEAR
DrDeb
N
HiFOR
Aran
People use all kinds of methods to relieve stress which are not healthy: addictions, OCD, flirting, etc. First
thing
PROFyou should do is learn healthy stress relievers like working out, yoga, meditation. I’m not kidding.
Once you are more able to cope with stress, you can tell your gf you took this thing seriously and have
actually
ESSI done something about it. If she still won’t trust you, then you can go to couples counseling to re-
build trust.
ONA
Reply
LS
DrDeb
ABO
Hi Tyler
UT
It is super important to totally get past the verbal abuse. You can read my book – on my website is a
description of it [drdeb.com] – but the key is to understand your own family and how their behavior
influenced you so you know exactly what to avoid when the situations come up in your life. This is
possible by reading a book but counseling may be best because (in my opinion) a person who is abusive
was also abused and therefore needs HEALING from it himself.
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Teri
That’s how men were raised in our culture — hide your feelings so YOU don’t even know what they are.
Be a man and stuff it. That happens to be a bad idea but our society works that way. It keeps me in
business ;-)
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Reply
®
FINDprincy
August
GET 16th, 2014 at 11:26 AM
My boyfriend hurts himself when we fight and he cant hurt or hit me so that he hurts himself. What does it
explain?
HELP What kind of man he is??
Reply
LEAR
N
Someone
August
FOR 17th, 2014 at 10:24 PM
Hi
IPROF
have someone that I love her with whole my heart and she is into drug. I just wanna know how can I
show her there is nothing above love. After that drug thing I am so confused and I really don’t know what
I do.
ESSII know one thing for sure love never fails. Why the hell people prefer drug over someone who really
love and heart? I am so upset and I don’t even know what can I do. I try to talk with her with different
apps
ONAshe talk with me for-awhile and she either uninstall the app or block me for no reason. All I say I
love her. Please help me what should I do.

LS
Reply
ABO
UT Craig R
I live with my girlfriend of 8 years and she says she loves me and wants to be with me but she never
shows it, living with her is a nightmare, we Dont communicate, we are never intimate, she never listens to
me when i tell her how much its effecting my state of mind, i feel so low ATM that i feel like ending my
life. What can i do?
Reply
The GoodTherapy.org Team

Thank you for your comment, Craig. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be
relevant
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Reply
GET mersy
HELP
I have been married for 10 years, i say I because i was technically the only one who acted as if i was
married. there was Cheating,verbal abuse, drug use, and been an absent and irresponsable father. 7 years
LEAR
i found myself heartbroken with 3 kids. i didn’t know what to do because his drinking was out of hand
and the kind of trouble he was getting into made me worry about all of us. i was exhausted by the fact
N
that nothing seemed to change no matter how much i tried and i had so much on my plate, i was
emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. i tried everything to make things change and work. i was
FOR
in this case the giver and he the taker, i understand now that i played a role in him just taking everything
and giving me nothing. i was raised to have a united family and divorce was not something i initially saw
PROF
as been an option. finally 1 month before our 9th year anniversary i had enough after him coming home
wasted and getting aggresive with me. i left him for a year, during that year he became more responsable
ESSI
got a better job that he was motivated about and he was giving the kids a real dad. He begged me to give
him another chance,he acted different towards me as well and although i missed nothing about our
ONA
relationship i decided to give it another try since i had never seperated from him before i thought this
maybe the one thing that would make him change. we are 9 months back together, he has taken 4 trips by
LS
himself with his cousins and friends, i found out he was doing cocaine with his aunt on my birthday and
he recently went out and stayed who knows where because he did not come. these are all things i had
ABO
told him i would not ever be ok with again, i took too much before and i told myself i would never
tolerate
UT this again. He has made some changes but this things are completely unacceptable. how do i put
my efort into this when he still doing thinbgs that shattered the little trust and respect i had gained?? how
will he know when enoguh is enough if i stay? i feel i’m cheating myself by staying and i’m not in love
anymore. i’m full of anxiety because i feel i may have to make a decision once gain.
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Craig & Good Therapy Team-
Thank you, Team for keeping an eye out here. I’m honored that so many people have posted but I can’t
get so quickly to each one.
Craig, please don’t take into yourself your gf’s behavior. This is HER way and her problem. If this is not
the type of personality for you – if she’s too cold – you are entitled to your feelings. Consider ending this
relationship – NOT your life.
GoodTherapy ®
DrDeb
GET
Hi Someone,
Why do you love a person who is avoiding you? Do you have a fantasy of being her rescuer? That is not
HELP
healthy. You will not succeed against the drugs. People get into drugs because they can’t tolerate the
emotional pain inside. That pain started with their childhoods. Only therapy can fix that.
LEAR
Reply
N
FOR DrDeb
PROF
Hi Princy,
Your
ESSIbf hurting himself sounds pretty serious. Can you get him to see a therapist?
Reply
ONA
LS
DrDeb
ABO August 19th, 2014 at 7:09 PM
Hi Jess,
Thank
UT you so much for your praise, but I have to tell you: it is YOU who took it seriously and applied it.
That is all to YOUR credit.
Best of luck going forward!
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Sue#1
Although your post is long, I feel like there is stuff missing from it. I’m thinking something must have been
going wrong in your relationship in the first place for your husband to just drop you like that to take care
of this friend. I just don’t get where he’s coming from. That said, we learned in school that two wrongs
don’t make a right. Even though you didn’t actually cheat with this male friend, what you did sounds like
spite — and that is not healthy for a marriage. Instead of fighting, you really needed to understand what
was up with him. Was he just no longer interested in the marriage? Why weren’t you supposed to join him
and the girl? Very fishy to me. GET LISTED LOGIN
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Reply
®

Amelia G
GET
Hello,
HELP
My relationship is of almost 4 years and hasn’t been going great recently. I sensed to late that something
LEAR
has been off with him and by the time I instinctively realized the emotional damage I must’ve done to him
I also felt that he might have fallen out of love with him. He admitted it after I asked if he’s not in love
withNme any longer. I asked him if he wanted space and he agreed, saying he needs time alone and he
will call when/if he’s ready to talk to me. I feel that I needed the space too for my own healing. The thing
is,FOR
I know what he’s going through because I fell out of love with him as well a longer while back, but
regained it again, a new deeper love, over time through both his unknowing efforts and mine (I didn’t let
PROF
him know of it). I am wondering if it is wise to let him know now of my past experience while we are
having our time apart. Or if we should even have this time spent for ourselves in the first place.
ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS kristal
ABO
I seen a counselor Tuesday and explained how im almost 6months pregnant, ive been with my bf
14months and I feel very little support. We dont get a long most of the time, we argue because he can
UT
discipline my kids but I cant even look at his the “wrong” way without it being a diaster. I have three kids
of my own 7 and undet who are not his and he has two 13 and 10. Im on a leave of absence from work
until 6 weeks after my pregnancy due to anxiety. The only income I have is child support which I cant
always count on. In the 14months hes pretty much lived here has only helped me a handful of times with
bills. He clams I knew his money situation when he moved in which is correct but I told him I really need
his help now that im off work, and he still has not stepped up. A lot of the times we fight he packs his
stuff up and is gone about a day or so. I miss him he misses me he comes back and the argument s over
bills and his kids happen all over again. He also has a habitat of accusing me of cheating which ive never
done or given him a reason to be that way we also fight over that. I dont even like being around his kids
any more because I know it will cause an argument. Idk if I should see this counselor again on monday or
not, Iwanted someone to help me help myself but help me work on my rrelationship. Please help!
Reply
Marshall B
5/5/2020
as a Long-Term Relationships: Rebuilding Love After Emotional Damage
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®
I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years now. I love her dearly, but fear im not in love with her anymore.
First, let me say, she had a traumatic childhood and suffers from depression, and just within the past year
has been getting professional help.
In GET
the first four years of our marriage, she had multiple online affairs. One of which killed a friendship
with a guy i’ve known since childhood. Another, which got so serious she stayed with her sister, for over a
HELP
few months, so she could focus on a relationship with a guy that lived on the other side of the country.
(with many racy messages and pics, that linger in my mind) I still loved and missed her so much. After
LEAR
pleading with her almost daily to come home, one day she did. They secretly stayed in contact for a while
longer. But eventually ended with drawn out, heart felt goodbyes to one another. Which felt like my
N broken heart had been shredded.
already
Soon after that, she broke down, genuinely apologized and begged for forgiveness. I forgave her, or so I
FOR
thought.
Things were going pretty well after that. We soon had a child, and bought a house.
PROF
Naturally or unnaturally, the new baby in our life led to decreased intimacy. Soon, my wifes traumatic
childhood
ESSI experiences really start coming to the surface and depression worsens, she starts seeing a
therapist and taking medication. Which I fully support. Due to the meds, the sparse intimacy has now
turned
ONA non existent.
Meanwhile, one day a few months ago (I think while at therapy) she ran into a friend she hadn’t seen
LS before we married. They started chatting a bit online, and over the past few months, have become,
since
in my wifes words, best friends. Her internet actions are very reminiscent of the previous affair, so i start
ABO
snooping her messages a bit. I read messages that I felt were inappropriate, and confronted her about
them. She claims they are innocent, “friends tell friends, I love you all the time”, she says. Which I agree
UT
with, but still feel its inappropriate for a married woman to be saying to another man. Then last week she
told him she was crazy about him. I felt so disrespected. I felt like i fell out of love with her when I read
that. And I told her that. She claims it was a joke. We had a long talk, and agreed that we have been
emotionally drifting over the past few years. And that we wanted to be in love with each other again. We
stayed up hours really talking. it was good.
Now Monday, two days ago, they saw each other at therapy again. I dont know if it was planned or not,
doesn’t matter. But,they kissed. I came home from work and told my wife that was it. I was done. She
claims it was like a “science experiment” to see if she could feel anything.
I threatened to get custody of our son and I wanted her out of the house. I was in shock I think, I think im
still in shock. Later the same night, after we put our son to bed, in my mind, I’ve convinced myself that
there was enough negativity in the world, and that I didn’t want to contribute to that, and this was the
woman I vowed to cherish forever, so I passionately kissed and made love to my wife right there. Despite
the meds she’s taking, reached orgasm for the first time since starting them. She then, in front of me, sent
GoodTherapy uses
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know there was closure between them, and that they were done
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I dont know what to make of it. I feel like such a fool no matter what happens next. Despite my attempts,
no progress towards strengthening anything was made today.
Im so confused, lonely and lost right now.

I dont want to lose my wife or my son to lose his mother.
she’s
GETa beautiful person inside and out and I love her so much. But it dont know what to do.
I apologize for the lengthy post.

HELP
I have no one to talk to, and I had to let it out.
Reply
LEAR
shelly
FOR
August 23rd, 2014 at 9:55 AM
You have the same story as I do. He left me a few weeks ago to go live with someone he
PROF
reconnected with over Facebook from years ago. He told me to file for divorce the other day, two
days after he asked if I would take him back.my heart is breaking all day long over this.
ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS Rachel L
September 1st, 2014 at 10:31 PM
ABO
Hey Marshall, I think you sound like a man who is truly dedicated to his wife. You made my night
UTtruly, I dont even know how I came across this lol…but im here and im reading this thread and I want
you to know that you are so wonderfully kind. So much that your wife has taken full advantage of
just how sweet, loving, forgiving and kind you are. She has issues but I wouldnt stand for that, she is
knowingly hurting you and she needs to work on herself. She needs individual counseling. Falling
out of love was the result of your wife’s rotten behavior. You can do better. You have a lot of love in
her heart. Save it for the right woman. Marriage or no marriage ya cant really get over it once your
spouse wants to look elsewhere.
Reply
SBM
August 21st, 2014 at 8:54 PM
I have been divorced for two years and separated for three. Dated some but nothing serious. Seven
months ago, a man that I knew messages me and we began talking. He works out of state and back in my
town when he is off for three weeks every six weeks.
We spoke daily and text for a month before we agreed to see one another. We were GET
friends in highLOGIN
LISTED
GoodTherapy
school and are both 45. ®
He has never been married and had no kids. I have three. He had a five year relationship with a woman
married several times, very needy, spent a lot of his money and would reel him back in using her kids or
herFIND TELEHEALTH
problems. SELECTand
Two years ago he left got counseling A STATE
blocked everything so he could focus n himself.
Dated very little until me.
GET
We hit it off instantly. Talked and laughed and have a lot in common. We began to get serious and the
minute we did…she strikes and begins the whole suicide bit. He falls for it. Open with his communication
HELP
with her. Tells her about me. Then now he has been saying he feels overwhelmed with the responsibility
of a future with me as he has never had it. He loves me and won’t say leave or he’s done. He will say he
LEAR
loves me and that my life is so normal and this is healthy but his friends tell me that he finds reasons to
leave as I am not needy enough for him and that I may be almost a threat to him because it is easier to
N
save this manipulative woman as she will kick him to the curb until her next drama.
Aside from that…we are friends and I would like to at least help him see that not everybody leaves and
FOR
not everybody is out to use and hurt you. I genuinely love this man. My kids do as well. Mim close to his
mother as I am his circle of friends who will not have anything to do with the old girlfriend as she has
PROF
screwed them to. He just says if I block her and she kills herself then I will never forgive myself
But need brutal honesty.
ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS
tamiko
August
ABO 24th, 2014 at 4:58 AM
Hi dr, I’m so deeply in love with a guy I meet online, but we never met yet personal, because we are
staying
UT in different provinces. he’s a businessman and his business is demanding him too much, we only
communicate over the phone and chat on social networks. its been three months doing this, but I can’t
take it anymore. It hurt my feelings so bad that I can’t spend time with him. I cry every time I speak to
him. He is trying hard to make time but the business doesn’t give him a break. please help me what
should I do.
Reply
Shelly
I lived common law with a man for 6 years, he told me in June he was not coming home and would not be
coming back. We had a good relationship. I realize now I pushed him to do some things he did not want
to do and did not respect or consider him like I should have. I have been doing alot of soul searching. I
am far from perfect but I love him and really want him back. Is it possoble and whar should I do
Reply
Reply
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Cindy
®

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and in the past I cheated on him, I kissed this guy because I felt
GET
like I wasn’t getting attention from my boyfriend, I know it was wrong and I wish I could take it back. My
boyfriend got back at me and when he went to Peru he cheated on me as well. We broke up afterward for
HELP
4 months, within those months we managed to talk, we ended up getting back together, we love
eachother
LEAR and it was one mistake that I will never do again. We’ve been fighting a lot lately because he
says I need to change the way I am, and to gain his trust. He says I don’t act like a girlfriend sometimes
and Nthat hurts. I never know what to do, he says I don’t comfort him, that he’s tired for the past three
years he’s done everything, he puts my feelings first and as a girlfriend all of this should be an instinct, I
should
FOR know what to do and say as a girlfriend.
Reply
PROF
ESSI
Cindy
ONAAugust 27th, 2014 at 7:00 AM
Also, I told him I don’t do anything. I don’t talk to guys I don’t want to become friends with any new
LSguys that I’ve done nothing wrong for him to not trust me a little bit. He says that I don’t do
anything for his to trust me, what am I suppose to do? This is what I don’t know, I don’t know how to
ABOchange, I want to because I love my boyfriend and I hate to see him feel like this, it’s my fault and I
want to make everything right

UT
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Cindy
Often we go into a relationship looking for all the validation, nurturing, warmth and support that parents
didn’t give us. If parents had given these things to us growing up, then we would feel self-confident and
brimming with love to give out to the person we are with. Instead, when we start a relationship in a state
of being somewhat on “empty” then instead of looking for what we can give to the other person, we are
always feeling in some way neglected and missing something. The truth is that a boyfriend or husband
can never give to us what our parents didn’t give – it would never be enough. We really have to start
giving what we missed to ourselves. We have to start telling ourselves that we are a good person, that
we were born to give the world something special, that life is meant for us to be happy with, and so forth.
Then, when our bucket is “full” it is easier not to count: did he do this for me? did he do that? well, I did X,
e , e ou buc et s ull t s eas e ot to cou t: d d e do t s o e? d d e do t at? ell, d d ,
why didn’t he do Y? This is the EXACT reason for cheating. Once our bucket is feelingGET
full,LISTED LOGIN
we will want to
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give everything: our time, our attention, etc.
Reply
GET
DrDeb
HELP August 27th, 2014 at 11:03 AM
Hi Shelly
Sometimes
LEAR we get challenges in life that are very painful but they actually lead to something positive. the
fact that this whole bad situation caused you this soul searching and it made you realize you didn’t treat
yourNbf well is very good for you. Use that new knowledge in positive ways with your friends and family,
people you work with and so on. The word could get out that you have made changes!
FOR
Reply
PROF
ESSI
Amber
ONA Dr. Deb…
Hello
My boyfriend and I started talking a little over a year ago. We were “together”, but not technically, for a
LS due to the fact that I was staying with my mom a few hours away. When I came into town to
while
celebrate my birthday he asked me to be his girlfriend and things took off in the best way from there, at
ABOat first. We clicked on a level I’ve never felt before, and I don’t think he’d ever felt anything like it
least
either. I decided not to go back to my mom’s after that (for many reasons, though I will admit he was one
UT
of them) and I stayed with family for a few weeks until he convinced me to stay with him and his cousin.
We had our petty fights, but nothing serious until we had a pregnancy scare. We talked about what we
would do if I was and he kept pushing me to consider abortion, but although I support a woman’s right to
her own body I couldn’t fathom the idea at first. I went to the doctor to find out for sure and I was. When I
finally gave in to the idea, we couldn’t find the money. So we bounced around a little after until we
managed to find our own apartment. We started fighting a lot more, partly due to how unfairly needy and
emotional I know I’ve been, and partly because he feels trapped in a life he was not ready for. I’m now 5
weeks from my due date and he recently said that because of how I’ve been acting due to the pregnancy
and because this isn’t what he wanted at this point, he’s falling out of love with me. He isn’t trying to
leave, or make me leave, or not be there for our son. He just says he doesn’t have it in him to make the
relationship part work with how drained he feels he’s already become emotionally and how much he’s
working now to make sure we can take care of the baby financially. This is confusing to me because we
haven’t actually “broken up” and he still shows me some affection on occasion, we still get intimate, and I
even get uses
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GETI’m
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GoodTherapy
so important, etc), but I don’t know how to try and start the process of fixing it. I know have
®
to take the initiative and hopefully he’ll see how hard I’m trying and follow suit. I know I can’t force him,
but if I can show him how hard I’m trying to better myself and become the person he keeps saying he
believes I can be, and how willing I am to do SELECT
FIND TELEHEALTH everything to make this work, is there a chance I can bring
A STATE
him back to me? I feel that this is the best option, seeing as neither of us deserves to live awkwardly and
miserably
GET in the same house trying to raise a baby together, but alone, and neither of us intends to leave.
Not only that, but I don’t think I could handle it with how much I care for him. Being so close, yet so far…
So how do I get him saying “I’m in love with you,” instead of “I love you, but I don’t know if its that way
HELP
anymore”?
LEAR
Reply
FOR Bambi
September 2nd, 2014 at 3:22 PM
PROF
Me and my best friend have friends for almost 10 years we’ve had are ups and down but still remained
best friend. About 3 and a half years ago I lied to her about my brother dying. I wanted her sympathy
ESSI I have falling in love with her about a year passed and she finally told me she loved me and I was
becuz
so happy I forgot about the lie and we been dating for more than 2 years and then the lie came out and I
ONA
confessed the lie and now our relationship is on the rock because of the lie. She hasn’t left but she has
said she’s hurt and that she don’t know if she can ever feel the same way about me again. I don’t want
LS
this relationship to end I’m so in love with her that it’s killing me that things aren’t the same. What can I
do to get her back?
ABO
Reply
UT
cindee
Hi, the first 2 months of my relationship with my bf, i like him a lot because he know how to treat a
woman, and he is very blunt and direct with what he want and how he feel. But he did not feel the same
way in the begining of our relationship, which i can understand why. I have 2 kids under the age of 5 and
he was not ready to be a “stepfather”, so i stop myself from liking him more than i should. 7 months into
the relationship he confessed he is really into me and that he could say he love me. Unfortunately, i
cannot say the same. I do like him a lot but i don’t love him or feel that i love him. Is this normal to feel
this way?
Reply
Tim
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September 3rd, 2014 at 5:56 AM
®
Hey Dr. Deb,
I was recently in a relationship for the past 5 years. In that time I was battling what I perceived as anger
issues. I was never physically abusive but I was very emotionally and mentally abusive towards me ex.
We have 1 child together and we have another child who I consider my own because was only 6 months
GET
old when we started dating. His birth father was never in the picture due to his instability and choice of
partying and drugs over being a father. Well after 5 years of my abuse towards my ex girlfriend she
HELP
finally said she had to leave so she could grow into the woman she wanted to be. She felt she was
constantly walking on egg shells out of fear of when she would do something that I would yell at her
LEAR
about. And I wouldn’t just tell I would insult and call her names no one should ever be called. Well after
our split I took it very hard and did soul searching and trying to figure out why I couldn’t get rid of the
N
anger and what felt like a demon that lived in my head even though I had told her several times I would
change
FOR and I honestly wanted to,but couldn’t. I ended up realizing I wasn’t just angry, I was fearful. I had
been letting fear of a nonexistent condition I fabricated in my head rule my life. I had a panic attack
months
PROF before I met my ex and i literally thought in that moment I was going to die. It was caused by me
my working out for 2 years prior and then one day going to workout to the point of exhaustion and I
started
ESSI feeling like I couldn’t breathe and my heart raced and my nerves got so worked up I began to
vomit. and for the past 5 years I lived a life where I was scared to leave the house unless necessary out of
fear
ONA of having another attack. And due to that I was a bad father and boyfriend because I wasn’t doing
the camping and hiking and other fun things I loved to do and my family wanted to do. So I was angry at
myself
LS and expressed it towards others. Well to trim down on all the details we are now civil but she has
run to the arms of our first child’s biological father. She believes they have a connection and she is happy
with
ABOhim. From the outside looking in I see it as she’s getting all I didn’t give her from him and eventually
whether she comes back to me or not is irrelevant to the fact he can’t offer her much past the fun good
time
UTthey have together. He has 3 kids from 3 different women and he sees none of them. He has recently
started a job but he has never kept one long term and spends his days getting drunk and smoking pot,
which I dont do personally but I have tried it and don’t see anything wrong with it if your life is in order.
So for her to be with him is a mixture of him being her first love, and he doesn’t insult her like I did, and
all they do is have fun. So I understand that and it hurts me but I’m not mad at her or him for it. However,
our son who is biologically his only sees his birth dad on occasion when he comes over and visits my ex.
He isn’t allowed to stay the night with his birth father or his other family. I believe that’s because
somewhere deep down she knows the guy isn’t a good character but she’s too busy filling the voids I left
her with to want to leave him. And though I am trying to be nice to her and show her changes I still don’t
feel her receptiveness. I say nice things and try and do nice things and I feel they aren’t appreciated. We
have only been separated about 6 weeks (feels like an eternity) and she says don’t have hope it will never
happen I should move on. But I honestly feel that is a mixture of her defense towards me not changing
and us falling into the same abusive relationship again, mixed with also the scars are so deep she may
not see how she can ever look past them even though she says she has forgiven me. And she says she
understands why I was that way. I just try and keep persistent but I don’t want to hang on to a rope that
isn’t tied to anything on the other end. Maybe right before the rope falls over the edge of the cliff and I
y g y g p g
GET LISTED
plummet to my death she will come running and grab it and save me, or maybe I should let go and LOGIN
climb
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down before it’s too late. I just don’t know. I know I miss our family and though I didn’t show it I loved her
deeply and wanted to change, I just didn’t know how. It took something life changing to snap me out of it.
Any advice or suggestions will be very welcomed and acceped. Thank you
-Tim
GET
Reply
HELP
LEAR barry l
September 3rd, 2014 at 11:19 AM
N
My question is. I have verbally abused my girlfriend and destroyed her emotionally, but she still loves me
and says that she is confused about what she wants to do with us and mentions that only time will tell. i
FOR
am currently working on myself and stripping all the negative behaviors from my soul to avoid
reoffending. i love her with all my heart and i want to convey that to her. we have been broken up over a
PROF
month now. we barely talk and i havent seen her since she left. but we still communicate and LOVE is still
strong. Is she coming back to me or is she going to pan this one out?
ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS Tim
September 3rd, 2014 at 10:10 PM
ABO
Man that sounds identical to my story for the most part. How long were y’all together?
UTReply
Aaron
Me and my girlfriend of four years recently/still are going through a rough patch. After coming off a day
of not really talking to each other, she come home and said she doesn’t feel the same way as she did
when we first started going out and that she feels I’m holding her back. This broke my heart because I’ve
put and given up so much for her and always said this was forever, but to realise she doesn’t feel the
same way broke me! She was to try and work it out but I feel as though she is just leaving me hanging! I
can’t get angry or anything if she does something wrong because I feel she will want it to be over
between us!
What do I do and how do I make her be in love with me again and be on the same page, not just me
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DrDeb
GET
Hi Amber
I hate to make this so short when your letter was so long but what I think you both need is support – in a
HELP
big way. You guys were fooling around and having fun. You weren’t mentally ready for a FAMILY. That is a
huge change in life. Please go together to see a couples counselor. Please!
LEAR
Reply
N
FOR DrDeb
PROF
Hi Bambi
Lying is a serious problem in relationships. There are families where it happens and it is no big deal, but
ESSI
many other people do find it a big deal. If this relationship is important to you, you really need to do what
the 12 step people recommend: A fearless moral inventory. Think about the people you deal with and how
ONA
straight w them you are. Work on yourself in that way. Words alone won’t do it; it’s actions that matter.
Reply
LS
ABO
DrDeb
UT
Hi Tim
First of all, I respect you for recognizing that you mistreated your girlfriend. Taking responsibility is a big
first step. Next, the panic attack and the over-working the workout are something that worries me. Yes,
people do get angry to hide their fears. It is also really good that you could figure out that part. So I really
would like to see you working in therapy on overcoming whatever it was in your own life that got the
fears started. Also to be absolutely sure you have new coping skills so you will never slip back into abuse.
Finally, something about how you are handling yourself w your gf tells me that perhaps you aren’t so sure
of yourself; maybe you have insecurities and she can “sense” that, and that is why she is not really back w
you. If I am right, then for sure counseling is in order. It will be a very good step for you.
Reply
samuel
September 5th, 2014 at 4:45 AM GET LISTED LOGIN
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Dear Dr. I have been with this girl that I am in love with but every time she gets irritated. I can’t seem to
leave get alone until she tells me why. I get so irritated myself that she won’t tell me why she is irritated
that I just keep asking get until she screams at me to leave her alone. And I then I end up on the couch for
FIND
days at TELEHEALTH SELECT
a time. And then I get afraid that she is going AtoSTATE
leave me. I don’t know what to do in these
situations, because I usually bug her about why she is irritated usually to the point where she says she
GET
doesn’t feel like dealing with this relationship anymore, How do I fix this and what can I do to get this
relationship back to the spark that we used to have in the beginning ox the relationship. What am I doing
HELP
wrong.? When she tells me to leave her alone, does that mean she hates me and going to leave? I get
scared of these things when we argue like this and I wanna know what to do to help my relationship be
LEAR
the best it can be? Please help me?
Reply
N
FOR
Mike
PROF
September 5th, 2014 at 6:00 AM
My wife said she was tired of me not listening, and turning my back when she talked that she was leaving
ESSI
me. It opened my eyes and want to work on us as a family. For the past month i have been her slave,
doing
ONA dishes, taking care of the kids, stepping up to the plate where I haven’t in the past. I have
referenced while we were dating the good times, and she has mentioned that she was forced to evolve
andLSalludes to the fact that I am stuck in the past. I have stepped up to the plate,taking on more than my
share of household responsibilities, provided lavish gifts and opened the line of communication because I
am no longer blind to the fact and finally aware and want to make this work.
ABO
Reply
UT
cco
Dear Dr Deb.,please help me.. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2mnths now..I stay in Nigeria while he
stays in the U.S. He will be coming back to Nigeria in November to see his grandma and to see me for the
very first time(as we started dating online). I noticed he liked to talk about sex,a topic that doesn’t
interest me. Few days ago,I decided to tell him that I did not want sex b4 marriage and that he should be
patient with me. To my greatest surprise,he got angry and started saying all manner of things(eg.,he
doesn’t promise to be faithful but he promises not to touch me till we get married next year.he has
become so distant and cold towards me as he no longer calls. I don’t want to compromise and I don’t
want to keep calling him so as not to look needy..pls help!. What do I do?
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Mike ®
For a long time I pushed her needs off to the side but now she is my Queen
Reply
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HELP
Blanca M.
September
LEAR 5th, 2014 at 11:51 PM
Hello Dr. Deb
My boyfriend
N is thirty, eight years older than me. He was the first man who treated me well and had no
issues with his life. Until three months into the relationship when he decided to break up with me because
heFOR
wouldn’t allow anything to distract him from his studies. He also went on to say that he was not over
the fact that both of his ex girlfriends cheated on him. He broke up with me three times, for a few weeks
in between. The second time he said something was missing, there was no chemistry and that someone
PROF
from work was in his mind, a girl he liked prior to knowing me. He also told me that for the first time he
did not have to work for girls to like him. The third time we broke up I called him to see how serious he
ESSI
was about me and he said that he hadn’t got over his issues and he placed a greater importance to
school.
ONA The next day I went over to his house when we were not official, we had intimacy and we ended it
for good. Two weeks of miscommunication led to him pleading to take him back he told me that he wants
me LS
for the rest of his life and that he wants to marry me, something he had never told me. He has been
wonderful and pays for everything he showers me with gifts, I see a sincere change in him but I can’t drop
my guard. I no longer feel that passion or that I would give my life for him. I can’t get over the fact that he
ABO
took me for granted when I have been nothing but good to him and accepted him with and love his child,
UT his ex whom he wanted to marry but she treated him like crap.
unlike
Reply
Serina
Dear Dr,
I don’t know how to start this because I don’t understand it myself but I’ll do my best. So I was dating a
man I met online, for a year it was long distance. Finally he visits me and decides to stay he had nothing
but the stuff he brought with him so I supported him in everyway until he could himself and we were good
for another year. Mind you he still lives in his car, he knows absolutely no one, and has no family close by.
So mostly it was just him and I together all the time. So time goes by his parents start fighting, they end
up divorcing I don’t know if it is the main cause for everything but he starts pulling away from me. Saying
he needed time and space away from me but that we were still together ( I didn’t understand him on this
at all where I guess I kept trying to push myself back into his life). Trying to do my own thing while he
at all e e guess ept t y g to pus ysel bac to s l e). y g to do yo t g le e
GETit,LISTED
does his was really hard for me but I tried to for him. Then I find out after we had done LOGIN
he had been
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with someone else during that time we were “seperated but supposably together”. I loved him so much I
forgave him the next day thinking great were talking again atleast. But then he pushes me away again so I
broke up with him. The hardest thing I ever did. And I meet a new guy who in many ways is better than my
ex but I just can’t feel anything for him it’s so frustrating but I just can’t stop loving my ex. I just want to
move
GET on I want to love again :(.
Reply
HELP
LEAR
shero
September
N 6th, 2014 at 5:32 AM
Dear Memers i need your advise i have been in a relationship my this guy for one yr. at first he used to
communicate
FOR with me daily but in the last three months he stop. i would send him msgs but he would just
ignore replying me or he replys in ashort way with out trying to find out how i was like he used to do.
recently
PROF i abused him and told him that it is over but in actual sense i still love the guy. i just said all the
bad words coz i felt negelected and i wanted him to know how i feel but eneded up abusing him. i sent an
ESSI
apology one week ago but he has not replied. what do i do so we stay? should i go to his place to ask for
any apology? how do i tell him that am very sorry so that we can continue our relationship coz i know i
ONA
hurt him with my words but i need his forgiveness.
Reply
LS
ABO
shan
UT
September 6th, 2014 at 8:36 PM
I need advice…. I have been in a fully committed relationship for 2 years. I am so emotional, physically,
and mentally attached to this man I am with. We talk about getting married in the future and we both
know that we want to be long time life partners. When we first started dating there was an incident
where the woman from the previous relationship he was in, was impregnated by him, and she
coincidently found out in the beginning of our relationship. Unfortunately, she had complications with the
pregnancy and the child was lost. A few months after the incident we resumed our relationship. A year
later, she accuses him of being the father of her 3 year old daughter, and I find out that they have been
seeing each other for 2 weeks and that he may be the father. This man really does make me a better
person, but there have been other lies in our relationship from him… I don’t know what to do honestly.
We are both in our early 20s and I think I’m too young to have this kind of stress in my life and so is he.
But if he turns out to be the father I don’t know if I should stay or go?
Reply
Steve S. GET LISTED LOGIN
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®
You deserve better and there is better trust me. Take it from someone who’s been around over twice
as TELEHEALTH
FIND long as you and have been betrayed SELECT
more than once.
A STATE
It is hard to do but move on, take the pain and be patient. You will meet THE one and he will treat
GETyou like you deserve!!
Reply
HELP
LEAR
Kelly
N
Hello dr
FOR
My husband and I have been married for 15 years. The first part of our marriage was up and down as they
usually go, but about 3 years ago we moved back to his country. Within the first 3 months he started
PROF
changing. Ignoring me treating me like I wasn’t wanted and that I was in the way of his family. I finally
went back to the US and told him I wanted out if the marriage. He immediately changed again asking me
toESSI
come back and promising me we would be ok. I came back a few months later and life was good really
good then one day he asked me to find an email with some info on it he needed for work. I found instead
ONA
an email he sent to his ex girlfriend asking her to come back to him. He had sent it 9 months earlier when
he was pushing me away. It was so bad I needed to be put on medication for depression. When we
LS
discussed it I learned that she turned him down (I know now that’s why he wanted me back). Ok it’s 3
years later we have been doing really well but he has changed again. This time being over affectionate
ABO
over complimenting. Now my trust in him never recuperated so I checked his phone and found sext msgs
to and from a coworker. Along with random dirty videos from I don’t know who and of course pics. He
UT
says he didn’t realize that any i would consider any of this cheating and apologized. He says he wants to
fix this, but honestly I absolutely don’t trust him. Every time he picks up his phone I get sick knots in my
stomach. When he’s gone I don’t want him to come back. When he’s with me I try to see that he wants to
be with me but at the same time I just want to go to bed and be left alone. I don’t know if it’s depression
along with anger or if it’s time to just walk away
Please help me
Reply
Ruqya
Give him some space ask him if he is happier around somebody else maybe he has love for his ex
GoodTherapy
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he doesn’t to personalize
have content
for u but u have to askand adsout
to find to provide better
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alone don’t talk to
If th ith l b d l th l t hi b ith h if t hi t b h
me. If the guy your with loves somebody else then let him be with her if you want him to be happy
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I’m not telling u to get over him cuz I don’t think u can ever get over somebody completely but the
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world moves on and u have to find a way to move on with it
Reply
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ruqyah
HELP
I met the love of my life 3 years ago back in high school. We never actually dated but we were good
LEAR Sadly his friends did not like me I think it may be because they all smoked and drank and lived
friends.
carefree lives whereas I lived a Simple Muslim life and he was fine with that actually we even talked
N
about Islam on a regular bases. Once I got into a huge fight with my parents and they even threatened to
throw me out that’s when I told him to come and pick me up because I was going to be kicked out
FOR
anyways.. He actually came!! But my parents did not let me leave with him. And he left and I never spoke
to him until a couple of months ago on Facebook and when I spoke to him he seemed so angry all he kept
PROF
saying was leave me alone don’t talk to me, the day I left high school I never planned on talking to u
again. And I was so heartbroken I said things I shouldn’t have said but I still did not tell him that I loved
ESSI
him so much. The one thing I wish I could change about him is his inability towards insight. I wish he had
the ability in him to see that the girl that he says is his best friend is actually not who she appears to be. I
ONA
wish he wouldn’t have listened to her… We would have been so happy. He’s actually with a girl now that I
was friends with I don’t mind as long as he is happy and I think he’s happy with her because he usually
LS
does not date. What I want now to happen is, that I just show up at his house or work or wherever I see
him and tell him that I fell in love with him the moment I saw him and till this day I do and whatever he
ABO
has to say after that is entirely up to him when he says “maneesha I don’t love u back I don’t want to see
u I’m happy without u” then I will leave him alone. He’s just so amazing his name is Brad he’s so
UT
handsome and loving, funny, sweet but very ignorant he thinks people are out to get him. But I love him
anyways no matter what . He could sleep with all the women he wants as he probably is doing right now
but I’ll love him still.
Reply
millie
I been with a guy for 3 years in one day he took of in never came back it’s only been two months in the
other girl is pregnant he has tried calling over 7 times I am so heart broken he was my best friend I don’t
think I will ever be the same
Reply
sherrel s. GET LISTED LOGIN
GoodTherapy
®
Hi millie my name is sherrel, I am in the same situation as you are in. It very hard and fraustrated at
FIND TELEHEALTH
first. SELECT
If you do take him back, you have to A STATE
put your foot down and tell him how you feels about
situation and make a list for him to understand and make sure you know he is applying himself to
GET
the list everyday.
HELPReply
LEAR
Erica
N
My boyfriend of about a year and I both cheated on each other and lied I each other about it. Eventually
FOR
we both found out about the other. We still really love each other but are trying to get some space now to
figure out if we can make this work. Do you think it’s possible to trust each other again when both people
PROF
were wronged? How do we both go about getting trust back?
Reply
ESSI
ONA
Steve S.
LS
You both have to agree to counseling to learn communication or you might as well forget it. Not to
ABO
be a buzz kill but counselors who would be qualified to help you are few and far between.
UTReply
DrDeb
Hi Samuel
It sounds to me like you are afraid of being abandoned. I would guess there was something bad in your
background that this triggers….like maybe a parent walking out or something? I am worried about you
when you say you just end up on the couch for four days. That is depression. Please see a therapist to
unravel this. It is big and should not be minimized.
Reply
DrDeb
September 9th, 2014 at 5:21 PM GET LISTED LOGIN
GoodTherapy
Hi Mike, ®
You don’t actually ask a question. It sounds like a good beginning to be helpful with household things,
but only a beginning. To make it work, you do need to become a listener like she wants. Really listen and
FIND TELEHEALTH
comment SELECT
to her on what she is getting at. Good luck A STATE
with turning that around.
Reply
GET
HELP
DrDeb
LEAR
Hi CCO
N
Sounds like he was using you, plain and simple. Forget him. Stick to your values. You want someone who
wants you for the PERSON you are. The sex will be much better when that happens, I promise you.
FOR
Marriage is hard, no doubt about it and a man has to be mature to handle it. You are on the right track.
Otherwise, you’ll end up with kids and no husband.
PROF
Reply
ESSI
ONA
DrDeb
LS September 9th, 2014 at 5:26 PM
Hi Blanca
Isn’t
ABOit funny that he showers you with gifts and suddenly wants to marry you AFTER you had sex? I’m not
sure about this guy…..
UT
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Serena
The feeling of love is so exciting that people just want that feeling and will take anything in the way of
dirt so they can have it, almost like an addiction. In fact, the brain chemistry in love is very much like the
chemistry of the brain in addictions. So here’s the thing: Falling in love is great but we don’t stay “in” love
for all that long. Then reality sets in and the long-haul TRUE love should kick in. That love is made of
respect, admiration, trust, and enjoyment of who that other person is. That’s real love. That’s the love that
keeps couples together for 50 years. Get to know the new guy as a PERSON. See if the feelings will come,
and give it time.
GET LISTED LOGIN
GoodTherapy DrDeb
®

Hi Kelly,
Your husband needs help. He is dishonest and you will not trust him again unless he is under the care of a
GET
therapist. Sexting and such is escapism. It’s a way of avoiding real life and feeling good in real life. Insist
he get therapy or he’s out.
HELP
Reply
LEAR
N
D.arclese
September
FOR 9th, 2014 at 8:54 PM
Hello, I’ve been with the same guy for 5 years we’ve been married for one. We have two children with our
third
PROFon the way. We love each other very much but he says he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me
because when I’m upset I threaten to leave and it hurts him for me to use that against him. I didn’t know
that he was getting hurt by this and that I’m not meeting his needs when it comes to loving him. What can
ESSI
I do to show him he’s my everything.
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO
priya g.
MyUT
boyfriend has problems so he broke up me. but I want to live with him again.
Reply
shane
me (25) and my girlfriend (22) have been dating for over 5 years. And we have a son who is almost 2
years old. We just recently relocated 2 the Seattle area. We have been living here for 6 months. over this
course she has been a stay at home mom.. She has a mother and grandma that lives about 8 hours. we
were recently told by her mother that she and her grandma will be moving down to Texas( this is her only
family keep in mind.) so too continue my girlfreind is a stay at home mom who has no close friends where
we live and is not going to school or work. I currently work full time and provide for the family and we are
comfortable and can manage to do fun nice things. ever since we found out her mom was moving, her
attitude has changed very drastically in the sense where I can tell something is bothering her. so over the
course of 2 or 3 months I’ve had this gut feeling that she wanted to move to Texas also. After talking with
cou se o o 3 o t s e ad t s gut eel g t at s e a ted to o e to e as also. te tal g t
her and picking away to try to understand what is bothering her she has told me thatGET
sheLISTED
does not LOGIN
love
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me intimately anymore but she loves me as the son of our Father. she has said that she felt this way for
almost 2 years. And the reason is because of an argument we had gotten into before my son was born
and we were on the brink of splitting up. she said she cannot let go of what happened in the past and
that is partially why she feels this way today. we talked some more about how she felt because her
communication
GET with me is not the best, she likes to keep things inside. She stated she does want to try to
make it work for the sake of our son but doesn’t know if she’ll ever love me ever again. She wants to
speak
HELP with somebody like a family counselor. I am very confused on how we got off track and all the way
to this.. Like I stated before we been together for over 5 years almost a 2 year old son and now she tells
me that she has not loved me before our child was born and I don’t understand how we made it this far. if
LEAR
any ladies any advice or have felt this way please help me bcuz i don’t know what to do and I care about
her INlove her so much but I don’t think she truly believes that.
Reply
FOR
PROF
Frankie M.
ESSI
Hello my name is Frankie, so I’m having problems me and y wife are going through a divorce, i truly love
ONA
my wife we have a 6 month year old son and I want to win her back, she’s told me that she wants to be
friends but she has no feelings for me, she says she feels numb. But on the other hand I’m tell only guy
sheLS
trust for sex. She texts me still everyday. Her mom tells me that my wife stills loves me. It all started
when she was barely letting me see my son then she would tell me I have to give her half my paychecks
orABO
will go to court. That day I had my son in my arms and I took him home with me. She called the law on
me and the law said she can’t do anything about it. Then she filed divorce. I wasn’t gonna keep him from
her.UT
I never do that. But now she doesn’t know what she wants. She’s kissed me and all a couple of times
and I heard if I act like I don’t care she’ll come back. I don’t know what to do but I need advice I can’t
move on cause my heart belongs to her
Reply
M
Dr. D, I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and 2 months. I feel like I need to point out that I am only
21 and he is 22. We met in highschool, I dropped out and moved in with him and his parents a few months
after we got together. Things were not good at home, and I’ve always believed that he rescued me. You
can imagine that us being young and stupid have been through pretty much anything you can think of. He
has, without
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cookies.
won’t go away The first 3 years were great We had no responsibility no bills nothing but each other
won t go away. The first 3 years were great. We had no responsibility, no bills….nothing but each other.
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After that I started school (he started a while after me), we got our first apartment together, and really
®
started our lives. We lived off his financial aid money for that year, until I finished school and he dropped
out for the first time. I got a decent paying job and have been mostly supporting us since then. He has
never
FINDhad a steady job, and im lucky if I get aSELECT
TELEHEALTH couple hundred
A STATE bucks off him a month. He doesn’t bother
keeping the house tidy while I work all day every day. He litterly does nothing. And he doesn’t hardly try
too do anything.I even drive him around! Several months ago I started falling out of love with him. The
GET
sex stopped, and I can’t stand to even have him touch me. Communication stopped also, basically
everything
HELP that makes a relationship work doesn’t exist anymore. I resent him. Every word he says
irritates me. The faces he makes, the way he walks, everything. And I’m constantly irritated by him, which
inLEAR
turn makes me super mean. He knows that something is wrong. He is deep down a nice guy and I know
he still loves me, but I can’t return his feelings anymore. I don’t want to keep hurting him. Ww have fallen
intoNa vicious circle. When I think of parting however, it makes me so anxious and sad. I’m scared to be
alone. The last few months we have come very close to breaking up. A couple months ago I told him that I
FOR to, but he freaked out and I stayed. Tonight he broke up with me. We’ve litterly been up all night
wanted
talking and I’ve cried so much that I have no tears left in my eyes. But somehow I felt relieved that he did
itPROF
so I didn’t have to. I’ve completely given up on us. I don’t think things will ever get better, but at the
same time im afraid of him leaving. He stuck to his guns all night until he asked what I really wanted. I
ESSIa minute to reply, but told him “I don’t want you to leave”. For some reason I’m drawn to him and
took
even though I know it would be best, I can’t let things end. I feel like im missing out on my 20’s, and the
ONA
thought of spending my life with him terrifies me as much as the thought of him leaving. Do you think I
could ever love him again? Or should I even try? Any advice you could give me would be great. Thanks for
LS
taking the time to read all this.
M.ABO
Reply
UT
James
My wife and I can out of dufficult to understand relationships before and after started dating I talked
about my ex and things that we did involving sex, traveling etc… but I don’t know why I said them to her
cause it hurt her so much and we she always talks about them ever time we fight. I want her to forgive me
and I am trying my best to understand how I hurt her. She askes how I can make everything uo and what
will I do to have her forgive me. Everything I say she says it is not good enough for her. What can I do and
can you tell me why you think she is trying this and always keeps on bringing up divorce when we have
these fights.
Reply
shan
shan
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September 12th, 2014 at 9:03 AM ®
PLEASE HELP!! I need advice…. I have been in a fully committed relationship for 2 years. I am so
emotional, physically, and mentally attached to this man I am with. We talk about getting married in the
future and we both know that we want to be long time life partners. When we first started dating there
was an incident where the woman from the previous relationship he was in, was impregnated by him, and
GET
she coincidently found out in the beginning of our relationship. Unfortunately, she had complications with
the pregnancy and the child was lost. A few months after the incident we resumed our relationship. A
HELP
year later, she accuses him of being the father of her 3 year old daughter, and I find out that they have
been seeing each other for 2 weeks and that he may be the father. This man really does make me a better
LEAR
person, but there have been other lies in our relationship from him… I don’t know what to do honestly.
We are both in our early 20s and I think I’m too young to have this kind of stress in my life and so is he.
N
But if he turns out to be the father I don’t know if I should stay or go?
FOR
Reply
PROF
shan
ESSI
ONADr deb please could you give me advice?
Reply
LS
ABO
Stacy
September
UT 12th, 2014 at 10:21 AM
I have been in a relationship for 7 years, we have 4 kids together. He has cheated on me each year we’ve
been together and then some. I can’t forgive him and I’m not in love with him anymore. He says he is in
love with me. But I don’t know what to do anymore. I know not interested in him anymore. Please help
me.
Reply
Ritika
Don’t get back … Once a cheat will always b a cheat
Reply
nesma GET LISTED LOGIN
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September 12th, 2014 at 2:14 PM ®
theres this guy liked me and we both fell in love with each other but its been like that we were 7 months
together. . we had fights continuously and we break up then we get back. we broke up like twice and now
its been like I had a misunderstanding and people got in between us and I belived them on him and I
broke
GET up which made him lose feelings for me and he says that he loved me too much and got hurt too
much so he cant get back to me…can anyone tell me or help me with what shall I do..
HELP
Reply
LEAR
Ruqyah
N
FORI don’t think you love him if you chose people over him maybe it’s a infatuation
Reply
PROF
ESSI
Nesma
September
ONA 12th, 2014 at 2:44 PM
i have been in a relationship for a short period of time, it was for 7 months, i dated this guy who liked me
andLShad a crush on me when we met in university, he stood up and told me on chat that he likes me so
much nd wants me, i agreed being with him after getting hurt in 2012 with my first ex, i wanted to heal my
ABO
self and by time when we were together i fell in love with him more, and i was so happy with him, later by
time our relationship starting becoming worse, it was like a long distance relationship and i barely used
UT him and complain but he says he had so much work in university, we fought alot due to my
to meet
jealousy on him and his jealousy on me, we both really loved each other, but at times people use to get in
between and tell me he is a player, dont stay with him and all, i actually ignored, i really dont care about
the past, he was truly a player but when he dated me he changed completely to better, time by time we
were good and suddenly we fight and breakup, we broke up once and got back again becuase he loves
me, suddenly i stood up and told him i cant be with u anymore, because i got alot of bad things about him
and i was tired listening, but i felt like i didnt break up from the heart, it showed that he didnt want to let
me go, after the break up he tells me that he misses me and writes up pms all over his status, and that
time he was out of country, he says that when he comes back he will fix the fight, and i felt guilty and i
wanted ti stay with him because i love him so much that i cant let him go, once he got back he started
getting colder i was wondering what happend to him also he was avoiding me and he wasnt replying me
so often, he couldnt face me so his bestfriend told me that he lost feelings and he cant get me back again
because he loved me so much and in the same time he got hurt so much from me also hes not ready for a
relationship,
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lost feelings and i still dont know, but i love him so much and i cant let him go.please help me :(
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DrDeb SELECT A STATE
GET September 12th, 2014 at 3:23 PM

Hi M
IHELP
think I know what’s going on. Your boyfriend’s parents may have indulged him too much. They were so
nice – they let you move in and took care of you. BUT they also let you have sex w your boyfriend and live
aLEAR
grownup life w/o any responsibilities. I think that was wrong. And the fact that he was not working is
because they didn’t insist on it. As parents, being nice is not enough: You have to require discipline from
yourNchildren and it doesn’t seem like they did that. So I understand you losing respect for him. Of course,
you being mean is not good at all but that is what you must have learned in your own family. I am also
FOR
thinking that he and his parents are the only people who gave you love and care. Perhaps I’m wrong but
that’s the implication from your letter. That’s why you don’t want to let go. That is totally understandable
PROF
but not healthy and not fair. You don’t really love him; you feel needy. Please take care of yourself by
getting counseling to give yourself the self-love that you need to make up for what your parents didn’t
ESSIyou. This will take time (1-2 years) but very well worth it. Don’t go to a psychoanalytic type as that is
give
a lifetime of therapy. You don’t need that. Try also to work to support yourself and finish school. You
ONA like an intelligent young woman; there can be a lot of possibilities for you to have a good life.
sound
Reply
LS
ABO
ruqyah
UT
Hi drDeb could you please give me advice on my story that I wrote
Reply
Ana
I have been in this relationship for 8 months. He’s the first person I’ve truly loved and treated me
correctly. But one night i got really drunk, and I’m a mean drunk. Well i went a little crazy and he said he
couldn’t handle everything. I apparently told him that I didn’t trust him, and I don’t feel like thats the
case. He broke up with me while he was overwhelmed trying to take care of me. Since then, I have
stopped drinking, started therapy, started exercising, and applied to an internship. We are still in contact,
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friends that i was suffocating him and he didn’t realize it until i said it that he wanted some alone time
friends, that i was suffocating him, and he didn t realize it until i said it…that he wanted some alone time
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and that was the real reason we broke up. He just kinda gave up on me when i was in a bad place. and
®
thats what hurts me the most. But I’m trying and I’m fighting for our relationship and it seems to me at
this point, that he’s not. He told me that he’s planned on forgiving me, and always planned on getting
back together
FIND and he tells me that he misses SELECT
TELEHEALTH me. OurArelationship
STATE was great though, until that night. I
told him we really needed to work on communication, and trust, but we can’t work on those things if
GETnot together. The only time trust was broken was when he lied to me about this girl he was talking
were
to..i asked him who she was and he said she was someone in his class from school for a project and i
HELP
believed him. but then i found out that she was someone from a party he went to while i was on vacation.
that she got drunk and tried taking off her clothes. but instead of telling me about the incident, he lied to
LEAR
me , to my face. Then we fought, and i forgave him and i really did put it in the past. I don’t hold it against
him. I know neither of us would cheat. I needed a wake up to realize that i was going down the wrong
N but I am honestly working on it. I don’t want to ever hurt him again, but at this point, I feel like he’s
path,
punishing me. If you miss someone, and love them then why wouldn’t you want to be with them?
FOR
Reply
PROF
ESSI DrDeb
ONA
Hi Shan
You know this blog is getting busy…sorry I couldn’t answer everyone. Please don’t get involved with a
LS
liar. I am sure this man has good qualities. But lying is a really, really bad one. Like you said, you are too
young for so much stress. Work on being the best person you can be. I often recommend therapy not
ABO
because a person is “sick” but sometimes it is just good to get insight from an outsider. Good luck.
Reply
UT
DrDeb
Hi Ruqyah
I am concerned. On the one hand you call yourself a simple person and on the other your parents were
about to throw you out of the house. What is going on?? Not so simple, it seems to me. Next point, you
are very young. You just graduated HS. You are supposed to have infatuations at that age, but don’t call it
love. Move on!! Final point and I will leave you with this: real love is loving the character of the other
person. If someone lacks something that you think is important, such as insight, as well as thinking
people are out to get him, what you call very ignorant, then how in the world can you really love THEM??
You can love the fun times you’ve had; you can love how they made you feel, but you can’t possibly love
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are ifcookies
you callto personalize
them ignorant, content
etc. and ads to provide better services for our users and to 
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shane
®
FIND TELEHEALTH
September 14th, 2014 at 11:46 AM SELECT A STATE
Dr. Deb could you please help me out with my post from Sept 10!
GET
Reply
HELP
LEAR DrDeb
N
Hi Shane,
Since you do not say what the argument was that turned her off and I don’t really understand the every-
FOR
day feel of your relationship, I don’t know what to suggest other than that your girlfriend might want to
make an appmt w me since I am a Marriage & Family Therapist. There are several pieces of your story that
PROF
need filling in.
Reply
ESSI
ONA
Maria
LS
Hello. I would really appreciate some advise. My fiancé and I have been together for a year and a half. I
ABO
got pregnant and we had our son three months ago. It was too soon but I don’t regret any part of it. We
got into a small argument a teo months ago that turned into something big and I left the house for about
UT
a week. He wanted me back just as much as I wanted to be with him as well. When I came back home he
was honest about another woman he had met and slept with her. I forgave him mainly because we
weren’t together during that time, even tho it wasn’t long. He said he wasn’t going to ever speak to her
and he wanted to make things right. He proposed to me at the end of the month and we had plans on
getting married until I found out he was still talking to the other woman about a week ago or so. I reacted
in ways I shouldn’t have and ever since then we have been arguing mainly about her. This morning he told
me that he loves me but he wants us both. I am absolutely heart broken and I have no one else other than
him and my son. No support from family or anyone else. I really want to work things out, he is the man I
am madly in love with but I don’t know what to do.
Reply
Maria
I mean three months ago. Sorry about that..

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Reply ®

Mark
GET
Hi,
HELP
As most people trying to make sense of a break up, I’ve searched what I can do and found myself here…
It is still incredibly raw. In fact it was only Saturday night when my fiancé told me it was over. We met
LEAR
over facebook neither of us looking for someone just one of those chance ‘meetings’ hit it off completely,
both incredibly similar when it comes to the deepest things but quite different on the outside. We have
N
been together for 5 and half years, bought a house together a little over a year ago and got engaged
nearly a year ago with dates set and most things provisionally booked bridesmaids dresses even bought.
FOR
I’m from surrey and she lives in Yorkshire where we both live now I moved up just under 5 years ago and
bar the natural small bumps in any relationship everything has been perfect and until now I was certain
PROF
that was on both sides.
On Saturday 13th sept we were at my rugby club celebrating my 30th birthday (a joint party with two
ESSI
team mates who also turn 30 around the same time) which is this Friday. The club is or was going to be
the venue for our wedding reception and my fiancé was talking to the chairman/club manager about
ONA
plans, telling her sister where everything was going to go and discussing honeymoon ideas etc. so for her
to say
LS a matter of hours later it’s over came completely out of the blue! On Sunday I tried taking to her
but she was adamant it was over saying she still loves me but isn’t in love with me and that she’s not
attracted
ABO to me anymore. She also said that she has been feeling like this for a while but like I describe
above showed no signs (that I picked up on). She is at her mums at the moment and said we need space
andUTwill come back Tuesday to talk but the impression I get is that it is to sort out the practicalities of
next steps not to work things through. I have no idea what to do, can’t see anything if things don’t work
out she has been my sole drive to achieve what I have in the last 5-6 years.
I don’t think she has really spoken to anyone about how she was feeling as even her mum and sister had
no idea it was coming. One thing she did mention was that she has been having panic attacks one that
bad she had to get a work friend to drive her home. She spoke to her mum asking if it was normal thing
putting it towards wedding jitters. Mentioned it to me but not when it had happened and didn’t really
seem to make a big thing of it. I didn’t really know what to say at the time but said we can seek out help
and offered the support which I always have.
On the Sunday when we spoke before she when to her Mum’s I asked her why she hadn’t said anything
sooner and she said because I’m really good at talking things through, getting her to see the positives
and change her mind (be work, friendships, anything she’s need to talk about) and she said she didn’t her
mind to be changed. I just don’t understand that, is that what you’re supposed to do as a couple, work at
your relationship. I understand that if it can be fixed then there is no point in forcing it. But not even
giving it a go is just ridiculous! Why throw nearly 6 years away after a couple of months of not being sure.
Is there any hope? Any advice on how to move things forward or to get her to open up would be really
appreciated! GET LISTED LOGIN
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Thanks in advance and apologies for the®
Mark
length of post but as I said it is all still pretty raw.
Reply
GET
nesma
HELP
dr deb could you please help me with my note..Thank you
LEAR
Reply
N
FOR
nesma
PROFSeptember 15th, 2014 at 12:38 PM
Sorry I meant advice
ESSIReply
ONA
Ruqyah
LS
HiABO
Dr, thanks for replying back. I actually did live a simple life but made some made choices. What I found
most interesting about was u said was that I don’t love his character? That’s because I want to change his
character.
UT If you loved someone very much would you ever want to watch their self destruction? I would
go to the ends of the earth to make Brad see what he’s doing to him self is wrong. Another thing is, every
choice I make about my future I always picture it with brad wether that’s a job or what city I want to live in
or even simple things. How could I move on?? I don’t want to. What I don’t understand is, if it was
infatuation why do I still feel the same way I did 3 years ago? Even after all the things he has said. I really
appreciate your advice and maybe your right and it’s not love, but I think I won’t know that for a fact until
I actually just go to talk to him I know that sounds really desperate and classless of showing up at
someone’s door but I think that is the only option I am left with. Do think this would be a right choice to
make?
Reply
Luke
Hi, my ex and I dated for 2months, she was madly in love with me but the thing is it was a long distance
y y g g
relationship so she felt lonely, my physical self wasn’t with her, I felt bad for her cos GET LISTED
im so insanelyLOGIN
in
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love wit her…i promised to come see her in 2 weeks time and spend the weekend with her but as time
went on the love she had for me started to disappear cause of the absence of my physical self, we always
had sex over the phone, sent pictures to each other we talked and chatted every second I never let her
miss me cos she would hurt but yesterday she just told me she wasn’t insanely in love with me anymore,
she said she was tired of all the obstacles we had, especially distance part. she said mayb I wasn’t the
GET
right guy for her and she lost the spark…right now im so depressed I cant do anything right, I cant stop
looking
HELP at her pictures I cant eat all I want is her…am thinking of surprising her soon going to see her be
im scared she might reject me, shes a beautiful, sensitive and stubborn woman its not easy to convince
her…please
LEAR doctor deb what can I do, am madly in love with this girl..i keep drawing pictures of her cos
im an artist I also keep having dreams about her..i need help please
N
Reply
FOR
Shelley
PROF
My BF and I have been together for 6 years have 2 kids together. He doesn’t work I work 50 hrs + a week
ESSI
and take care of 3 kids. I was short on money last week and he had some from selling a TV he wasn’t
using.
ONA I asked hime to borrow 30 dollars for the week he picked a fight with me so he didn’t have to give
it to me and spent over 125 on beer and cigarettes for the week and i borrowed money from my mother.
LS not all. I thought the lady next door was my friend they ended up screwing why I was at work in my
That’s
garage on a weight bench. She has 3 kids that play with my kids daily. My youngest is 9 weeks old. She is
ABO
denying it and he admits it. He said he didn’t cheat we were broke up. I think that is an excuse. This isn’t
the first time he has done this to me. I basically take care of him like a kid and goes behind my back and
UT
decieves me. She lives next door with a guy and told my BF that we should switch partners. She lives off
the government and her dude has no kids with her and works 2 jobs to support her and the kids and she’s
always bringing her baby daddy’s to his house while he is at work. My BF will not leave unless i get a
restarining order on him and the police tell him he has to leave. I need advice I am at my wits end and
don’t know what to do.
Reply
Tina
Sorry to hear this but I have been in your situation but my ex left willing when I told him to, (Thank
God). Anyway, I would file an order on him and get him out my home. Letting him do you like this is
letting
GoodTherapy useshim run over
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personalize that you and
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Show him that you mean what you say and say what you mean Take charge of your life you deserve
Show him that you mean what you say and say what you mean. Take charge of your life, you deserve
better and don’t let someone take your youth in wasting your time. GET LISTED LOGIN
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Reply
®

Mark
GET
Dr Deb,
HELP
Please help me with my post from sept 15th number 176.
Thank
LEAR you,
Mark.
N
Reply
FOR
PROF
DrDeb
HiESSI
Ruqyah
No, don’t go to his door. Listen, as young people, we can dream. That is exactly what young people do.
ONA
It’s great! But let’s suppose I’m right: You fantasize how life would be with this guy. that feels great. But
you would like to change him. So you get the best solution: Fall in love with the guy you WANT HIM to be
andLSthen tell the real person to change into that guy. Makes sense except it’s a fantasy, not reality. The
problem is you haven’t lived long enough to see it from the other end. There, I can’t help you. If you go do
ABO
something I don’t suggest, I understand. You have to do what makes sense to you now.
Reply
UT
DrDeb
Hi Mark
Wow, that’s awful. And I have no advice for you. I don’t know if your fiance just has cold feet or what. Real
life is never like the fantasy we have when we first fall in love. We are supposed to be each other’s best
friend first and foremost, someone who understands us through and through. If she doesn’t even
understand herself and you always had to persuade her of things, then maybe that is the problem. Maybe
she needs individual therapy to get to know herself better and respect her own feelings better. That is all
I can offer without talking to both of you.
Reply
Marty GET LISTED LOGIN
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®
Hi, my fiance and I were together for 8 years. For the first 5 years , we were great. Then i started to
fall.We
FIND had our fights and she wanted to leave
TELEHEALTH me at Aleast
SELECT 4 different times. I would cry and tell her that I
STATE
loved her snd that I’d change. But , I would only change for a while. It was as if I wanted her but wanted
toGET
still be the lazy guy. She finally left me on September 5th. I realized that my empty promises were
never going to work and I didn’t want them to. I broke down and told her that I was tired of blaming
HELP
everyone and everything on my behavior. That I am to blame. I told her that it wasnt that I couldn’t live
without here, it was that I wanted to share my life with her. Everything I told him er was from my heart.
LEAR emotion was real. But, she won’t believe me now. I even told her that I felt like the boy who cried
Every
wolf. Because I finally sm telling the truth about the wolf snd now there was nobody to believe me. How
csn N
I win her trust back? How can I tear diwn the wall that has been built around her that bears my name?
I love this woman with every ounce of my soul. She is the one, the person I want to grow old with. I have
FORin constant change since the 5th of this month. I am bettering myself. Even more than when we firet
been
met. But she will not see me. She will not believe me. I just want to have her trust back.i want to have our
PROF
happiness back. I want to be the rock she can lean on…..
Please, any feedback is helpful.
ESSI
thanx,
Marty
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO Alex
UT
Dr.Deb,
I have been with my bf for almost 2 years. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs and the relationship has not
felt stable for long since the beginning although there were times when it seemed as though things are
really well. Recently we almost broke up but decided to work through things and be better for each other.
Our initial argument/cause of separation was no longer a problem. This is not the first time this has
happened, but we always manage to decide to work around things and still be together. He has told me
that he wants to be with me for the rest of his life and if I wasn’t in it, then no one would be. He genuinely
tells me that he wants to be with me for the rest of his life. We just argue so often though, that I’m almost
convincing myself that we aren’t right for each other when all I want is to be with him. Its becoming
difficult and exhausting, and I feel stuck.
I approached him with the way I felt about a situation in a mature way, and now he is pushing me away
and saying he needs time alone.
Its hard to see things turning around but I really want it to. He tends to not see his fault in things and
GoodTherapy uses
blames me forcookies to personalize
our issues. content
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both just forbeour
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but things are our traffic. By
so complicated.I’m continuing
losing hope. to use this site you consent to our cookies.
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DrDeb
HiGET
Alex
What is good about your bf? Is it only that he loves you so much, as you said, he wants to be with you the
HELP
rest of your life? The truth is, it feels very good to be loved, but that is not enough for marriage. If people
are blamers and don’t do ANY reflection on themselves, it’s not a great formula for marriage. True, men
LEAR
tend not to think too hard about themselves, but you know what? They can still be gentlemen and not
blaming. I’m concerned about a person who won’t take responsibility.
N
Reply
FOR
PROF ANITA
ESSI
Just a quick note to say I have been working with Tako for about 5 years, on all sorts of different issues,
anytime I get a problem at work, or my noisy terrible neigbours, or my Mother In Law plays up, I phone
ONA
Tako and he sorts its out, even little things, I phone him and its all sorted, what would I do without him??
Thank you so much. get him on (drtakolovespells@gmail.co m). his very helpful Anita in London.
LS
Reply
ABO
UT Andrea
Hi Dr. Deb, your advice will be greatly appreciated. At the initial stages of my relationship with my current
boyfriend, things could not have been better. As is for most infatuation stages, but we truly fell in love
with each other, mainly because we are so different from each other, it was exciting. However,
unfortunately, i fell into a deep depression where I just did not feel and act like myself, there was the
unfortunate symptom of never feeling happy. My boyfriend was there for me the entire time, but after I
recovered from my depression he just isn’t the same anymore with me. It’s like he’s stuck with this
depressed image of me, and he slowly fell out of love with me. He says he wants to keep trying because
he remembers how amazing our relationship was, but I feel like he’s just saying that and is not motivated
enough to act on it. He fears that another depression like that will keep occurring, and although I can’t
technically promise such a thing, I keep reassuring him that I’m not depressed anymore. How do we
recover from such a thing? How do i approach him regarding this situation? It appears that he says he
wants to try, but he isn’t really even trying. How do I, so to speak, make him fall back in love with me? I

know I’m faced with the burden of him having that ugly image of me, making this task harder, but how do
I go about this?
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Please help! Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
Reply
GET Joe
HELP
I think it’s possible fall in and out of love, unfortunately for me I am the one who keeps messing up
indifferent ways. I’ve been trying work on myself but recently about two weeks ago I lied about being
LEAR
with someone else when my partner and I were not exclusive or dating, now she mad, disappointed,
won’t talk to me, has blocked me in every way possible. Not sure what exactly I could do to try make
N
amends, apologize and prove to her as she the girl I only want and I was dumb making a dumb choice in
my part. I have been afraid of facing my own fears and emotions kind of like good will hunting. This girl
FOR
means the world to me we make each other feel so good, happy we are intimate and have amazing
chemistry. I never wanted to pursue someone so much my entire life. Any advice on what I should do?
PROF
Reply
ESSI
ONA
monae
September
LS 19th, 2014 at 8:11 PM
Dr.Deb,
ABO
I admitted to cheating on my boyfriend and he was of course very mad at first. But now he claims he
forgives me and wants to work this out, but lately idk I’ve just been feeling like he doesn’t love me or
UT forgive me. When I Don’t Answer The Phone He Thinks I’m Lying And Doing Something That’s
really
Unfaithful And I Know My Actions Are what caused This, But I Just Hope I’m Not Losing Him And If He Still
Loves Me The Same OR not. Will his actions change after a while? And what can I do to make him trust
me again?
Thank you.
Reply
Swati
I’m pretty sure I have some serious issues. My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years now,
and we’ve gone through a lot (my parents disapprove of him and kept us apart.) I did something pretty
messed up, I made a fake facebook account and sent him a request to see if he would accept it. He didn’t,

but while we were dating, I found out he was on tinder 3 times. So using that profile I made a tinder to
see if he was there, which he wasn’t, but his cousin was. So I started chatting with his cousin. I wasn’t
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flirting, things from my side were completely platonic but soon he found out and when he confronted me
about it I was so ashamed I lied. He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met and I’ve completely destroyed
everything in our relationship and yet somehow he is giving me a chance to fix it. These steps are going
to FIND TELEHEALTH
help me SELECT
more than you will ever know!! Thank A STATE
you!!
Reply
GET
HELP
Crystal
LEAR
I have been married to years about a week ago my husband said he hasn’t been in love and feels like he
N
never had the chance to no me so he isn’t sure if we should stay together or go our separate ways I have
been extremely mental abusive I don’t understand why I was so blind to it no I’m sorry and want to work
FOR
it out the more I tries to get him to not leave the more mad he gets I told him I am here no matter what
I’ve been trying to be a better person I know I will be better what ever happens I happen to want my what
PROF
ever to be him and me we have kids and I’m not sure if my positivity is working he comes sees the kids
every day but he can talk to me he gets shaky by me I just pray and keep on doing what I can I told him I
ESSI
can force him to stay but I have faith he will see me getting better is there hope
ONA
Reply
LS
Uncertain
ABO
A month
UT ago my husband and I were hanging out with a friend. She expressed an interest in giving him
oral sex, and since we’ve talked about trying things outside the marriage, I consented. I said she could
give him oral sex, and that I wasn’t interested in watching. I gave them a time limit, saying I’d be back in
around 20 minutes. After that time lapsed, before just walking in on them, I texted him several times (the
phone was on the headboard of our bed and the ringer was on) I finally walked in to her, completely
naked, going down on him. She scurried off and got dressed, and when I asked what had happened he
said he touched her because “it looked like she needed it”. He does have trouble getting an erection
sometimes, and he later admitted that was why he had done it. My problem is, I feel that I gave him an
inch and he completely disregarded how I might feel if he went further than her pleasing him. He even
said that he thought it might upset me, but figured it wouldn’t be so bad. We talked at length about how
hurt I was, and how I said one thing and him doing something else without even asking (I probably would
have consented had he asked before he did it) made me feel like he had disrespected me. He didn’t quite
get why kissing her and pleasing her was different than him getting oral. I explained that it was because
it happened without him asking that he thought it might upset me, and at no point did he stop and put me
in front of his desire at the time. I’m still hurt, though we are moving on, and I have no plans on leaving
him. He was truly upset he had hurt me and worried that this might ruin us. I told him I needed time to
heal and I knew I could get past this, but within a day or so he wanted to act like things
GETwere fine. ILOGIN
LISTED don’t
GoodTherapy ®
want to talk this to death with him, and I don’t think there’s anything else I can say. He understands he
stepped over my boundaries, I understand that I didn’t say specifics in the first place (I should have
expressed that kissing was out of bounds, that I didn’t want him touching her yet, etc.), but deep down,
I’m still really hurt that he set me aside like that. He’s aware that he may have closed the door to us doing
anything with other people completely. He’s not happy about that, but accepting. I just wish I could get
GET
over my own feelings. I’m dwelling on it far longer than he has, but we’ve had issues in the past when we
first dated. He was extremely inexperienced, and kept things from me for awhile about him doing things
HELP
with other girls (one was returning with hickeys after the night he was supposed to break up with the
other girl he was dating because we had decided to be monogamous. The other was a semi-sexual
LEAR
relationship with a friend of his that I personally know is a bit of an attention seeker…she’s hit on me
more than once. When I found out about him and his friend it ended my friendship with her, and
N
eventually all ties were severed with her. There was no contact with the first girl after the night he “broke
up”
FORwith her) I kind of gave him a free pass on both of those, they hurt, I was honest an open with my
feelings, he understood why I was upset and did everything he could to fix the problem. Now, the first
time
PROFI trust him again he breaks boundaries I had thought I set (yes she can please you, does not mean
yay sexy free for all). Should I simply get over this? Should I be concerned that he seems to loose his
mind
ESSIwhen he receives sexual attention from women? He swears he loves me and he would never want
to hurt me. I honestly believe him (maybe I’m a chump). I just can’t stop feeling nervous that one day
some
ONA woman is going to hit on him, and he’s going to do something stupid that WILL end us. He knows
flat out if he ever cheats I will leave. Is trying to be open just a bad idea? Am I simply too jealous? Should I
stop
LSworrying myself to death and just trust him, then deal with the repercussions if something does
happen? I’m trying not to feel hurt, but it really didn’t want to see him with her and I ended up walking in
on them both naked. I trusted him to be responsible. I wasn’t interested mostly because I wasn’t attracted
ABO
to the girl. He was, she said she wanted to do something specific to him and I agreed. Is this simply my
own
UTfault for leaving the room? The fact that he “didn’t hear” the phone next to his head, and at he did
things knowing I might have a problem is what made me feel disrespected. How do I get back to where
we were? Do I just need more time? I’m sorry this is so long and rambling, this is the first site I’ve felt
comfortable talking on, and the only friend I talked to about this is poly, so she just didn’t understand
why I was uncomfortable with him doing more if I left them together to do anything. Any advice would be
appreciated. Thank you for reading all this,
Reply
Luke
September 21st, 2014 at 4:55 AM
Hi, my ex and I dated for 2months, she was madly
in love with me but the thing is it was a long
distance relationship so she felt lonely, my physical
self wasn’t with her, I felt bad for her cos im so
insanely in love wit her…i promised to come see GET LISTED LOGIN
GoodTherapy ® with
her in 2 weeks time and spend the weekend
her but as time went on the love she had for me
started to disappear cause of the absence of my
physical self, we always had sex over the phone,
sent
GETpictures to each other we talked and chatted
every second I never let her miss me cos she would
hurt
HELPbut yesterday she just told me she wasn’t
insanely in love with me anymore, she said she was
tired
LEARof all the obstacles we had, especially
distance part. she said mayb I wasn’t the right guy
for her
N and she lost the spark…right now im so
depressed I cant do anything right, I cant stop
looking
FOR at her pictures I cant eat all I want is her…
am thinking of surprising her soon going to see her
be im scared she might reject me, shes a beautiful,
PROF
sensitive and stubborn woman its not easy to
convince
ESSI her…please doctor deb what can I do, am
madly in love with this girl..i keep drawing pictures
ofONA
her cos im an artist I also keep having dreams
about her..i need help please
LS
Reply
ABO
UT Chris
Dr. Deb,
The woman I’ve been dating for 2 months is afraid of intimacy and has admitted to never being in love.
Do I continue with her or bail?
Here’s the back story: She is 44 and came from a well off family. Her biological father is an oncologist
and spent most of her childhood at work, she never bonded with him (red flag 1)and they haven’t spoke
since she was 18. Her parents were divorced at 19 and her mother took her and moved across the country,
mother eventually remarrying. She finished college and at 29 got pregnant with a guy she was dating for
a couple months. They married and had another baby within a year. She said she never really loved the
guy but he divorced her within a few months of marriage. (Red flag 2) her next relationship was even
worse. She admitted being with a guy for 7 years because he took care of her every need and she didn’t
have to work. She finally came to the conclusion that the money didn’t make her happy because she said
he was selfish.
GoodTherapy ( I think to
uses cookies he personalize
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relationship It seems all the men in her life ran from her after they got to know her (red flag 3) I would
relationship. It seems all the men in her life ran from her after they got to know her.(red flag 3). I would
GETfor
best describe her as fun and outgoing. She’s an ESFP. I’m an ENFJ. She is taking Prozac LISTED LOGIN
anxiety and
GoodTherapy ®
she has ADD. She is unable to plan or focus. She’s easily distracted and has difficulty having a serious
discussion. About me: I’m 54, have four kids and was married for 26 years until my wife passed away from
cancer five years ago. I’ve dated for a couple years and was in a serious relationship for two years but
ended when I wanted marriage and she didn’t.
This
GETwoman is fun to be with and makes me feel young but I’m afraid she will never have feelings for me
and is taking me for a free ride.
HELP
Reply
LEAR
N
Ana
HiFOR
! Dr. Deb I’m a controlling wife that’s why my husband told me that he don’t love me anymore . Well
it’s almost 3 mos. Like this that I don’t know what to do. Do you think we still have chance to be together
PROF or if he will still love if I change my attitude?
again
Reply
ESSI
ONA
MISSY
LS
Hi. I come to you with a broken heart and an open mind. My boyfriend and I have been together for
ABO
almost two years and purchased a house together about six months ago. We have had arguments off and
on and they all stem from the same issue. Other women. Now don’t get me wrong. There is no foul play
UT
or any words said that is out of color. All these people are people who he has worked with for 15-20 years.
I suffer from PTSD due to my ex-husband stabbing me as well as cheating and other forms of mental
abuse. So I guess I always expect the worst and questioned him ask him to delete all his social media
sites and quit contact with them. He did all of this and I still found things to fear in our relationship but
nothing because he gave me a reason to fear it. I guess he got tired of having to reassure me he was
where he wanted to be and that I was who he wanted because without me realizing it I have pushed him
away. He told me a few nights ago he doesn’t love me anymore. He cares about me but I have pushed him
away so many times that the love is gone. He was planning to move out and then he told me last night he
didn’t want to walk out on my daughter after he had promised her to stay. At first I dismissed this saying
No you have to go if you cant love me but then I got to thinking maybe this is an opportunity to show him
I realize my weaknesses and that I realize I caused him to loose his since of self and rebuild things
between us. He says he don’t know if the love could come back. Please help! Where do I turn from here?
How do I save this? I realize I have questioned everything he does and turned around everything he said.
GoodTherapy
Just wantuses cookies
to make to personalize
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and go back and ads
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Maria
®

Dr.Deb
GET
My husband and I have been together for 12yrs married for 5 of those. We are both 28yrs old and when
we were 16yrs old he cheated on me and we broke up for a year. Ever since then I put up a wall and
HELP
guarded my heart. Even though he came back and asked me to marry him I still had my wall up and didn’t
trust him. I figured he’d just do it again.I always watched his every move and was always going off on him
LEAR
constantly. Now he told me he is not in love with me and feels nothing for me. He said he wants a divorce
as soon as possible. I asked him for us to at least try and not just run at getting a divorce but he said no.
N
He says he knows how he feels and he will never feel anything for me again. We still live in the same
house, sleep in the same bed, and we still have sex. He did stop wearing his wedding ring and he
FOR
changed my name in his phone to my name instead of wife. I know I was wrong and I should of had trust
but he won’t give me a chance. I love him so much and he is my king. Do you think he can ever fall in love
PROF
with me again and we can fix our marriage without heading down the divorce road. Plus, I just moved out
the house and he begged me not to but I had to for me. I couldn’t take living under the same roof with
ESSI
him because I love him so much and don’t want to get a divorce but he does. Also,why won’t he give us a
chance
ONA and at least try. He says no because it will just be a waste of time because he’s feelings are never
going to change. Is all of what he’s saying true or is it that he’s just so hurt and fed up with me not
trusting
LS him and cussing him out on a daily basis. Then he said he has matured and changed and wants
something new that’s not me. Help I’m confused and really want to fix our marriage.
ABO
Reply
UT
Rey
Hello DrDeb,
My girlfriend and I have been together cumulatively for 5 years now. We have had minor breaks but have
resolved them and have been together since. We were mostly content with the relationship. I found out
two days ago that my girlfriend has cheated on me for a week for her coworker. They had not slept
together but they have been seeing each other and flirting through text messages. Ever since I caught
them, she confessed and has been feeling very guilty. She wants to end both relationships between me
and her cheating lover. (BTW this guy is just as guilty because he knew she was not single). I have asked
her if she still loves me and that who would win in a contest and she had told me that I would win. But
the fact that she cheated is haunting her. She told me if she had not cheated on me, she would definitely
GoodTherapy
stay withuses
me. Icookies to personalize
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be
impossible I have tried to reassure her by telling her I would never bring this issue up again I want to
impossible. I have tried to reassure her by telling her I would never bring this issue up again. I want to
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restart the relationship but she is feeling too pained to try. Right now I’m giving her some space to think
®
about it. I’m feeling really anxious but this article has given me some hope. She actually mentioned that
she thinks the reason she let her coworker into her life is because he is confident. He fills the void and
gives
FINDherTELEHEALTH
validation through his compliments.SELECT
She never believes me when I compliment her in the past.
A STATE
Now, I am trying to be more confident with myself by not pitying myself, giving her some space instead
ofGET
coming across as needy, and I’m actually planning on taking her on a date so I can prove through my
actions how confident I am. Hopefully even get to show her how I really feel about her instead of just
HELP
through my words (and tears ahah). I’m planning on trying to carry myself as if I had no worries in the
world. No more telling excuses to her. Acknowledging her appearances and successes and failures. To be
LEAR gentlemanly like in front of her like I used to be. I guess the reason she cheated because I was sort
more
of distancing myself because of school. Even then, while we were in public, I didn’t really like showing my
loveNfor her in front of other people, especially my family and friends (I used to though). On the date, I am
planning on taking her to an aquarium(cause she’s never been and has wanted to go), take her for lunch,
FOR
and then take her to a special place where we’ve had good memories (Lake Las Vegas), and I plan on
playing the first guitar song I’ve ever sang to her when we first began dating. Then I plan to present her
PROF
with a promise ring. What do you think I should do? Is what I’m doing and planning on doing the most
optimal way to go or no? I need help. Thanks!
ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS Rey
ABO
Supplementing my last post #202
I just
UTchecked that she posted on Facebook.
“I lied. And done much worse. No one deserves that or to be given a second chance. No one.”
She is being really adamant about not forgiving herself. I really need your help DrDeb. I don’t know if I
should be patient or if I have to do something drastic to save the relationship. What should I do?
I really need your help. Its urgent. Thank you DrDeb.
Reply
Rey
UPDATE to post#202-203

I was impatient to personalize
and I ended up pushingcontent
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enough of my
pushing, she finally pushed me away completely and is going to stay with her “lover”. I actually told her
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that her feelings for him were just infatuation and they weren’t real. I got really desperate. But, even then
I just made it worse and she got really offended. Oh well. It just goes to show she never really cared like
she said she did. Not worth it. If only I’d been more patient and stayed away from her awhile so she could
FIND
have TELEHEALTH
been “thinking” like she said she would.SELECT
I guess A STATE
that’s just another lie too.
Thanks
GET anyway Dr. Deb.
Reply
HELP
LEAR
mummy m
September
N 28th, 2014 at 1:05 PM
Iv been with my boyfriend 4 6years we have 18month old son an I seen he has been messageing some girl
telling
FOR her her has all these feeling 4 her an he can’t live without her I told him what I found he won’t let
me message her as he says it none of my bisness
PROF
After a lot of arguing he said we can make it thought this but he still has this girl on his fb I love him an
don’t wanna lose him am I just being selfish tring 2 keep hold nowin he may not love me da same
ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS DrDeb
ABO
Hi Rey,
Interesting, that while I was reading your first post, I was thinking, “What? He’s taking her back? – This
UT
guy has no pride at all.” And then, below that, she’s saying you are not confident. So, I think that all bad
things that happen are really good because they are an opportunity to learn so we can be better the next
time. People often don’t have pride or self-esteem or confidence because of the way they were treated in
childhood and they carry that with them. I think there is some investigating you should do into your
deepest self to uncover this stuff because it affected your relationship. Do that so you will be a really
“new Man” for the next girlfriend.
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Maria,
GoodTherapy
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directions.
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FINDchez
GET
Hi I have been with my bf for 3 year’s I’m pregnant with his second child an caught him wwatching porn I
feel so down ugly and unloved. he tells me I’m just being stupid and its just a film but I feel like if ur in a
HELP
loving relationship there should be no need to feel like you need to look at anyone else sexualy. I feel like
there is something wrong with me I’m so lost and scared that he will eventually leave me as I’m not good
LEAR
enough for him anymore an I’ll be left on my own with our 2 children.
Reply
N
FOR
DrDeb
PROF
Hi Mummy
ESSI
What has been missing in your relationship that got your husband looking the other way? Those
“feelings” for someone else don’t just come from nothing. Have there been arguments? Blame? Criticism?
ONA
Or maybe it’s all been just a lot of work to run a home and no real conversation? The reason they say a
marriage is work is it is like a garden: it needs rain and nutrition, sun and weeding.
LS
Reply
ABO
UT
Maria
Dr.Deb
This is a update on my previous post and I really really need your advice. Come to find out my husband
has been in a relationship since June of this year with his co worker. He said they click and have so much
in common. He said she listens to him when he talks. She is 33yrs old. He said he loves her and they tell
each other that every day. He told me that when we talk I give him anxiety and he wants the divorce asap.
He said he doesn’t want to try and he doesn’t want our marriage to work. How can someone he’s only
known for 4mths make him fall in love with her and just forget everything that we had together. He just
like forgot about me and treats me like garbage now. We still kiss and have sex. He doesn’t call me, text
me,open the door for me,tell me good night or good morning nothing. But He does that for this co
worker and they talk on the phone throughout the day for 2 to 3hrs. They text consistently to. I asked to
see his text
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our cookies.
they text each other? Do you think my husband is really in love with his co worker like he says meaning
they text each other? Do you think my husband is really in love with his co worker like he says meaning
GETI’m
there’s just no chance of our marriage ever getting better and us not getting divorced. LISTED LOGIN
stuck cause I’m
GoodTherapy ®
so in love with this man and I won’t our marriage to be fixed. Then I spoke with the co worker one on one
and she told me she will back off but my husband is not going to change his mind or how he feels. Then
she had the nerve to tell me “I’m just warning you mike(my husband) is going to be pissed when I tell him
about this so just be prepared”. Like really how this lady who just came in my husband life gone tell me
how
GETMY HUSBAND is going think or feel. Especially saying we been together for 13yrs. My husband said
he loves me and cares about me but he just does not like me at all. What does that mean? Is my husband
going
HELP to marry this co worker and their going to b live happily ever after. Is it any way that my husband
might have a change of heart and can fall in love with me again.Or are we totally done and he’s all in to
this
LEARco worker lady now. I just don’t get how she’s so perfect and can make my husband fall in love with
her giving her his all while leaving me on the back burner. I need advice bad…….What does all this mean
and Nshould I just give up any hope of our marriage ever working out. Then I didn’t tell you the good part
the co worker,my husband and myself all work at the same place. So I know she’s laughing at me like
FORtrick I got your husband,he chose me and dumped you”.
“yea
Reply
PROF
ESSI
DrDeb
ONA September 30th, 2014 at 11:12 AM
Hi Maria,
Let LS
me answer your last question first: is he going to marry her and live happily ever after –no, he won’t.
The reason is that once the chemicals associated with that giddy first experience of love have warn off
ABO
(which if nothing goes wrong in the relationship do wear off in 1-2 years), it will be back to life as usual
and your husband is not prepared for it.
UT
Let me answer another question you don’t ask: How could he have grown to not like ME? This is the most
important question of all. Putting aside this other relationship, something has gone wrong in YOURS. Is it
a lack of listening? (He says she listens.) Is it too much business as usual without any romance, any fun
time? Is there yelling? Complaining? Negativity? Putting down? I don’t know what is missing, but in order
for a relationship to ‘stick’ after many years, there have to be compliments, little ways to show one
another you care, etc. If the bad stuff was present and the good stuff was missing, then what I
recommend you do is sit down with your husband and discuss it. If you are responsible for any part of
this, then come clean! Apologize. The fact that he loves but doesn’t like you is what is clueing me in that
there is something on your part that you need to look at. And he must be quite unhappy because he has
used this woman as a friend, telling her all the problems. He should have come to you with the problems
instead. That was his error. Nevertheless, if you can look at this situation objectively, you might be able to
salvage it.
Reply
Maria GET LISTED LOGIN
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October 1st, 2014 at 7:01 PM
Dr. Deb
®
FINDyou
Thank TELEHEALTH SELECT
so much for responding and here goes. WeAhave
STATE
been together since we we’re 15yrs old and
during that time he cheated. We broke up for 1yr and then something lead us back to each other. Once we
GET
got back together I had a wall up because I was afraid to 100% trust him again. I felt he’d do it all over
again. With that being said I was very controlling, checked his phone/email/facebook constantly, I didn’t
HELP
trust him and every girl he associated with I said he was trying to get with her. Then there’s the work
schedule. I work mornings and he works midnights meaning we just passed each other by never being
LEAR
able to really actually be together. So, if I was off once he got off work I expected he’d spend time with
me but no all he did was sleep all day until he had to wake up and go to work later that night. I started to
N
fuss, snap, yell and put him down on a regular basis. I seemed to always get upset and yell at him. Then
he had a tendency to want to have sex and I’d tell him “O,you just want my body. You can wake up for that
FOR
but not to spend time with me”. I would tell him I’m just a piece of meat to you,you don’t love me. He also
told me I didn’t respect him,appreciate him, and I treated him like a child. I admit I was a terrible person
PROF
but that’s because I had up a wall and was not being my true self. I figured I had to be that girl so if it
happened
ESSI again at least I didn’t give my all. I have been working on me and myself becoming a better
person being the Maria that I truly am. My husband also said he just . reached a point that was the last
straw
ONA and he was done. He thinks I’m really that mean,fussy, negative and everything else person that he
had seen all these years. He said we’ve been together forever and I know you inside/out. Then he said the
situation
LS can’t be fixed because you are who you are and you can’t change a persons personality. I keep
trying to tell him that honestly that was not my true self and I can show him the true Maria. He says no he
doesn’t
ABO want to save the marriage and it’s a little to late so that’s my fault. Dr. Deb with all this being the
case can I prove to him that was not truly me and I can make him happy. Even though his saying all of
what
UT I said he said is there a chance deep down he really wants to save the marriage and he’s just so sick
of how I treated he thinks it’s pointless cause it won’t change. Can he fall back in love with me and not
want to get a divorce. I was asking and asking him to give our marriage a chance and I’ll show him, but
each time he said no he can’t or no he doesn’t want to try to save the marriage. Are those words true or
just hurt/anger talking. The emotional connection I had with him is gone. How can I get it back. Then is it
to late to save my marriage and get my husband back because he’s so in love with this other woman. He
spends his days with her constantly and constantly talks to her on the phone. Plus, he no longer wears his
wedding ring, he changed my name in his phone from wife, he doesn’t like to go places together (ex: if he
had to run to the store to get some bread and fruit. I’d say I can go with you and he’d say naw you cool I’ll
just go), and he doesn’t want us riding in the same car. Is there hope to savage my marriage and bring my
husband back to me or is everything ruined and it’s to late meaning he will never fall in love with me
again and the divorce is coming. I’m confused because do I leave him be meaning don’t talk to him,do his
laundry,cook for him or anything else or do I continue to do all of that and more so he can see I’ve change
for the better.
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Maria
®
October 2nd, 2014 at 6:55 AM

Dr. Deb
GET
This just goes to my question does this mean it’s no chance of saving my marriage. We use to share bank
accounts and a little while ago my husband got his own bank acct. Now all his money just goes there and
HELP
he gives me a little bit from each check. Is that a sign that our marriage is done with no chance of
savaging it. Did he want the acct so he can spend all his money on date nights,outings,and buying the
LEARwoman gifts. By my husband talking to the one he’s so called in love with now every day all day on
new
the phone and them spending time together every day is that allowing them to get closer. Is that pushing
him N
further away from me? Dr. Deb be honest please if they got together in June is it true and possible
that like my husband said “he is in love with the other women”.
FOR
Reply
PROF
ESSI Chris
October 3rd, 2014 at 5:08 PM
ONA
It,s too late. Get a lawyer and move on.
LSReply
ABO
Bell
UT
Hi dr Deb,
I’d like to hear your take on my situation. My boyfriend and I started dating 2 years ago. His previous
relationship was caught in the middle of us falling for each other, and he ended it to be with me. 3
months passed, and he was “confused” about his feelings. At the time, it was hard for me to accept
because we had an amazing time, but I didn’t resist or try to make it work, I let him go, even though I was
completely devastated and caught by surprise.
3 months later, he contacted me and wanted to explain himself. He was afraid he still had feelings for his
ex, and wanted to work through them before we moved further with our relationship. At the time the only
way he knew was to leave. After talking it through a lot, I decided to give it a second go. The feelings
were still there for both of us.
He ended all contact with the ex before the second time around with us, and he was very clear that the
relationship was past him; this time he was ready to commit fully to me. For more than a year now, he has
been the perfect boyfriend who has treated me above and beyond, showered me with love and affection,
who accepts and understands that I still can’t trust him and that I still get mad at himGET
forLISTED
his previous
LOGIN
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actions every now and then. We live together, and I think he is planning on proposing to me, he drops a
lot of hints, and says he wants to spend his life with me.
I do really love him, and I more than want it to work, but I am still haunted by his old betrayal. I know his
ex is not anywhere near his life anymore, and he is only concerned about our relationship, but I just can’t
move
GET past it. I’m constantly doubting him, whatever he says and does and I’m always looking for clues
that he is being insincere. It almost feels like I’m frustrated that I never picked up on his doubts the first
time
HELParound, and this time I’m trying to anticipate any negativity way ahead of time, to spare myself the
breakup I already suffered once.
LEAR
This is killing me, he would do anything for me, and I know this, but I don’t believe it. What can I do to
leave the past in the past? How do I trust him again? He has given me no reason to distrust him since.
N
Reply
FOR
PROF MISSY
ESSI
Please read #200
Reply
ONA
LS
Broken79
ABO
Hello.
UT
My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 wonderful boys. We have never really
fought in our relationship and have always sorted things out when we do have little arguments. We have
built a good life as a family. A couple of weeks ago we had a falling out and it came out that he is feeling
emotionally detached from me. I have told him that I have in a way felt the same as it seems the only time
he wants to touch me is when he wants sex so I have turned myself off in a way. We both still love each
other immensely. I want to help him get that emotional attachment back but am not sure how to. I don’t
want to push him further away by doing the wrong thing.
Reply
Huriel
Can i pleasr get sime advice on how can i bring back my sons mothers feelings back so she can love me
the way i do, i want us to stay together as a family, but apperently she had strong feelings for another
man, what can i do to win her back, i am trying my all, i changed all my ways for. Her, i resprct show that i
love her but idk what rlse to do !! GET LISTED LOGIN
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Reply
®

serendipity88
GET
Hi,
HELP
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We were friends for a long time beforehand but lived in
different
LEAR countries. 2 years ago I went to visit him to his country and the spark was so strong, our
connection was so incredibly strong.. I had never experiences this before. I never felt so much respect
and Ncare from a male in my life. I was very confident and happy. Until the time arrived for him to choose
between two different jobs, one in his country and one in the country where I live. We had been together
FOR
for barely a year (long-distance) at the time and I couldn’t see the potential for another 2 years long
distance in different countries…
PROF
so he chose the job in my city and thats where the problem started. He hated the city, the job.. and me. I
was to blame for his misery and we started fighting so much. He started applying for new jobs to return
ESSI
back home but he didn’t get them. He was rude, impatiend and miserable with me. From a happy and
positive person that I have always been I turned into a miserable woman. Work and study weren’t going
ONA
well because of the problems at home. I tried to help him adapt by signing us up to loads of activites,
meeting new people, travelling a lot…
LS
One year down the line.. he started liking his job, he settled in finally.. but the attitude towards me did
ABO
not change. He is impatient and rude with me, says hurtful things. I see my fault as well as I am a
passionate person who tends to dramatize sometimes and he always wanted me to listen more to what
he UT
is saying.
Yesterday we had a really bad fight. It was because a stranger at the airport asked me for directions and
according to my boyfriend I wasn’t very useful to him as my sense of directions isn’t great so I should
have asked him for help instead of giving answer myself. I asked him to respect my decision to give my
advice as I feel it was adequate = he said my decisions are shit…
this is not my friend, the person I fell in love with who was my biggest support, best friend and life
partner. I don’t understand what I am doing wrong any more. I am so lost.
Reply
Huriel
Please help me out, i want my family to stay strong together, with love and loyalty , respect what should i
do to win her love for me ! The way shr did from the beggining, wherr i messed up was i would call her
y gg g p
names and yell at her but then i changed my ways all late when the love was gone ): GET LISTED LOGIN
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Reply
®

DrDeb
GET
Hi Bell
HELP
Your reactions are understandable. Have you noticed differences in his behavior from the first time
around?
LEAR Meaning, is your bf more assured? More clear about life in general? Does he approach problems
with more thought and care than before? Is he more planful, thinking ahead to the outcomes of his
actions?
N – eg, saving $ for the future if he didn’t before. All these things represent a true change in a
person. It’s possible for a person to make mistakes in life – we all do- but if we LEARN from them, we’re
better
FOR than we were before. So that is to your advantage as part of a couple: he would be a more mature
and forward-thinking person. I hope helps you make your final decision accurately.
PROF
Reply
ESSI
ONA
DrDeb
LS
Hi Missy,
I have several thoughts. 1. You should really get help to overcome the trauma of your first terrible
ABO
experience. That has been haunting you for a long time. 2. The fact that you chose the first husb. w/o
seeing the red flags in him – or perhaps you wanted to overlook them – means that you also may need
UT help. You may have felt too low a sense of self-esteem to select properly the first time so you would
other
benefit from work on your self esteem. 3. Pushing your current husband away is a good way to protect
yourself but not good for the relationship. What you really need to do is the same as I suggested for Bell
– to look for aspects in his personality and behavior that are quite different from those of your first
husband. Meaning: you need to be able to see more deeply into people and see differences. It’s almost as
if Good and Bad is unclear in your mind and everything first looked good when it wasn’t and now
everything looks all bad when it may not be. So those are 3 areas to work on in therapy. And they are
important for your own happiness in life.
Reply
DrDeb
October
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Being in love the first time just happens After that it actually takes work Love = Giving You need to
Being in love the first time just happens. After that, it actually takes work. Love Giving. You need to
BOTH make an effort to give to one another. Giving means compliments, little notesGET LISTED LOGIN
of appreciation,
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thinking about what you can do to be helpful and thoughtful, etc. It also means having FUN: going out to
fun things together the way new couples do. Make a special time to just go out w/o talking about who
will pick up the kids from soccer. Be romantic, too. What would a new date or a new wife do who feels a
bit shy w a new partner? Take a plunge and think of what you can say or do that would be romantic and
exciting.
GET All of the above matters. One more thing: You have both spilled your guts about the negative.
Now, search inside for the positive and SAY IT.
HELP
Reply
LEAR
N
Wishes for hope
HiFOR
DrDeb, I met this guy many years ago in my working times. He is a married man. After some time , we
met again and there knew him as a friend, not previously like boss/ colleague relationship. We click off
PROFwell and slowly feelings develop. He dun have a good marriage and thus treat me very good and
very
lovingly.All these years with him, I always remind myself he is a married man and I cant get myself into
ESSI
this rs( relationship) . We are like soul-mates and only like the comfort from each other. Those years , I
always tend to choose others then him becos I cant be a step-mom ( I told myself ) and seeing after and
ONA
another.All fails and i still turn back to him for comfort. He is always there for me till one day he gives up
when he see the ring .( it was just a gf/bf ring ) . Things turn suddenly drastically becos his wife learn
LS matters of us though we never commit any offence. He then ask me not to contact him anymore .
about
His wife tried to call me and I never pick up. He wanted a divorce all along and this thing aggravated
ABO
more. That was when I know I need him in my life and I no longer can deceive myself anymore. I felt hurt
and back away , knowing he need time and space to settle his personal things. I try at times msg him but
UT
no avail till a year later , i msg him , he finally reply. I was very happy and excited but can feel he is
closing himself up . All the msg i sent he reply back in one word . One day , i ask him, are you wary of me?
He say he dun want to give false hopes and dun want to have any RS involve . I agree and accept. but I
cant let go of him cos i knew he is the one in my life. He is with no one now . What can i do to regain back
his trust and love ? I know i have hurt him so many times when i didnt choose him and he walked away .
He sent a msg ( during times of clean breakup) that he found out he still have feelings with his ex ( before
wife’s time) . i ask for meetup face to face , he avoided. Maybe that was a lie to get me away from him .
Can you advise what should I do now? In our last msg, i ask if we can be friends . he say yes . how to get
him back again ? I know he have no trust in me nor rs. I am willing to wait actually . cos your heart is
telling you is worth it . Please advise .
Reply
Maria
October 9th 2014 at 5:13 AM
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Hello Dr. Deb
®
It’s Maria Dr. Deb and I answered your question about how could he have GROWN TO NOT LIKE ME? With
all of what I told you can my marriage be saved? I really need your expert advice because I don’t know
amFIND TELEHEALTH
I wasting SELECT
my time trying and hoping that my A STATE
husband will fall in love with me and want our marriage
to work. I have been totally working on myself also inside and out. So, Dr. Deb can you please help and
GET
give me advice please. If you don’t remember the paragraph I wrote you Oct 1 @ 7pm. Just please read it
again if you forgot and give me your honest advice. Thanks!! I’d appreciate that.
HELP
Reply
LEAR
N DrDeb
FOR
Hi “Wishes For Hope,”
When a person is having problems in his marriage is the WORST time to strike up a relationship. A person
PROF
in emotional turmoil is not who he really IS. He will be needy and insecure and maybe sweet. That comes
from
ESSIthe pain and mess he is in. That is NOT the real person. Furthermore, the fact that he did NOT go to
counseling and also did not divorce his wife (in the beginning) means he was not trying to fix his
problem.
ONA A person should NOT make two problems when he already had one! He had no business
messing with you emotionally even if he did nothing wrong physically. And you should not have gone
there,
LS either. You are not a therapist! Just because he talked to you for friendship and advice did not mean
you could help him repair his marriage. So, here is my honest opinion: A. Stay away from this guy. You
don’t
ABO know who he REALLY is; you don’t know what it would be like to live with him. My hunch is that it
would not be good at all. He is not clear on who he is or what he wants. He is not a problem solver. He is
notUT
a doer. B. YOU need to get into counseling so you can learn how to “tell” who is good and who isn’t
good for you to lose your heart to. You did not take good care of YOU all that time messing w a married
man. And you weren’t aware of the “other” side of the problem either — you may have hurt a truly good
and innocent person; you just really don’t know.
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Maria
I have a hunch: He said people don’t change. And he kept saying that. Maybe he is saying it w so much
certainty because HE didn’t change! Remember, this all started because HE cheated on you. True, you
were just kids at the time. Still, cheating is cheating. My grandchildren (in elem school) wouldn’t cheat, I’d
take bets on that. So, kids or not, maybe that is who he is. Now, you are STILL married and he is fooling
around instead of being responsible and taking you to counseling (and himself as well because he needs
to grow up and not cheat when the going gets rough.) So, it’s GOOD that you have worked on yourself
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and perhaps it is best to give up on this guy. Next go-around, see a pre-marriage counselor to work on
trust issues and be SURE the guy is trustworthy.
Reply
GET
Uncertain
HELP
Could
LEAR you please reply to my post from Sept 20?
Reply
N
FOR
ML
October
PROF 17th, 2014 at 3:26 PM
Hi Dr Deb . I’ve dated this guy in our brass band & everything was going good & i began to like him , &
then
ESSIhe became too clingy & I was very uncomfortable & didn’t say anything. I Was speaking to some
other guy that I know & he got mad & didn’t want to speak to me , I was sad , because I missed him.
People
ONA in the band began to call him names like “security” cause he wanted to be everywhere I was &
didn’t want to give me a small little space , I mean ? A girl has guy friends too , he got mad & then I got
mad
LS& I ignored him.
I then felt like it wasn’t working because we aren’t on speaking terms & he’s constantly ignoring me , but
heABO
would still look once or twice my way & I won’t lie I do miss him a lot , what do I do ? Because after all
that , I now only realize how much feelings I’ve developed for him.
UT advice :( , please help me.
I need
Reply
DrDeb
Hi ML
I’m going to take a wild guess (since I don’t know you) that you don’t really love this guy. My guess is that
you feel connected to someone and that is a very good feeling. But the guy himself, uh-uh. I must sound
like a broken record on this blog, but I would suggest counseling to help you truly love yourself and feel
connected to yourself so that you are not going to develop feelings so easily for the wrong person.
Reply
GoodTherapy October 18th, 2014 at 7:23 PM

Hi Uncertain,
®
I’m interested: Whose idea was it in the first place to have the open relationship? You know, since time in
eternity, multiple partners have not worked because it arouses jealousy. There was a gorgeous movie I
once
GETsaw in Chinese (I think) with English subtitles: Hang the Red Lantern (or something like that). Rent it.
The bottom line is that sex was meant to cement a relationship. Once you start adding new people, you
can have fun and all that, but it doesn’t cement a relationship. I would rather see YOU give him the oral
HELP
sex dressed up in a way that excites your and his imagination. I have never known of an open relationship
that
LEARwas at the same time emotionally close and loving. Mostly, they’re just for fun and the fun gets old
with the same partners so people switch. That is because the emotional part of the relationship is
missing.
N Let me draw a comparison: It reminds me of bulimia: You get to eat and then you throw it up. It
doesn’t stay inside. If that makes any sense. There’s a bunch on my own website about the emotional and
spiritual
FOR component of sex (drdeb.com). You have a heart and soul; everyone does. The more we try to
deny them, the more they try to muscle their way in. I would suggest you have a good look inside yourself
and
PROFask yourself what, exactly, you are looking for in this relationship. Then I would take that information
and have a heart to heart talk about your sex life with your husband and where you want to go. If all this
isESSI
too confusing, then please consider therapy with a sensitive and aware therapist.
Reply
ONA
LS
Uncertain
ABO
When we met we were both in open relationships, so this was a mutual interest of ours. My husband has
hadUT
far less experiences than I have when it comes to being with different people. Originally we decided
to be completely monogamous, and we have been since that decision. Until this incident. We’d both
discussed swinging and such, and thought it might be fun to try some day, but neither of us actively
pursued it. The girl brought up wanting to perform on my husband, he immediately looked at me..not in a
pleading way, but more of a “did she just say that? What do we do?” Way. He was stunned, so was I
honestly. But since we’d thought about it I figured it couldn’t hurt to try. I’m limited in what I can do
sometimes, due to medical problems, and my husband has been amazingly supportive and no pressure
about it. I kind of considered it a gift to him. Let him have a little fun since I can’t right now. It’s just that
he went too far that hurts. We’re both very honest with each other, I know he loves me, I’ve never
questioned that. I think we’re emotionally ok, we talk every day about how we feel and what’s going on in
our lives. I’ve thought about getting therapy for just myself due to depression. I know if I asked he’d do
couples therapy. He is always supportive of things that might better our life together. I feel like I may have
just blown everything out of proportion. The whole idea of being open has been closed completely after
this. He didn’t
GoodTherapy get upset…his
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DrDeb
HiGET
Uncertain,
See, you said it yourself: You went into the idea for fun. But then sex is ALSO, at the same time as fun, it’s
aHELP
very personal, intimate thing. And sometimes, you can get the personal part caught up in the middle of
things. I think that’s what happened. I also wonder whether the depression you feel has any connection to
LEAR
all of the above. Let me add one more piece. Specialists in sex therapy deal with all kinds of medical
issues that get in the way and they find a way around it, in case that is the nature of your medical
N
problem. I think you were being very kindly to your husband, to use the friend’s actions as a pleasant
thing for him, a gift. But it is also playing with fire. I don’t think you can expect yourself to be able to be
FOR
lighthearted about all of it when sex is with someone you love, much as you intended it at first.
Incidentally, good Marriage & Family Therapists are skilled in working with both the individual and the
PROF Unlike Psychologists who say it is a big boundary crossing to see one or another person and the
couple.
couple together, MFTs feel that is a helpful way to get to know each person as a person. Anyway, go easy
onESSI
yourself. I don’t think you blew things out of proportion. You have feelings; you’re human. It sounds
also like you are blessed with a caring and loving husband.
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO Chris
October 22nd, 2014 at 8:36 AM
UT
I’m talking to a girl who says she is emotionally unstable. I really like this girl and understand what she is
going through. What can I do to convince her to take a chance with me?
Reply
meg
I have been dealing with depression for many years since having children with my boyfriend, he has
always been someone who loved to drink and over the years of enjoyment of drinking turned into the
need of drinking…. we have come to an ugly in pass where my depression and his drinking was out of
control and hurting our family. He decided he needed space and kicked me and the children out of the
family home to be able to focus on himself getting better and so I can focus on myself which sounds
great in theory to personalize
but me and the childrencontent and
are living ads
with myto provide
family better
sharing services
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size bed our usersroom.
a 13×13 and to 
I’m trying toanalyze
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counselling youhe
consent
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to our
see cookies.
or care that not
li i i h ith hi i t ll i t dd t d i th l it d
living in our home with him is actually going to add to my depression not help me over come it…. and
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how can he deal with stress and his need for drinking if he just cuts everything out of his life that causes
®
him stress? Won’t it just cause more stress later and if he relapsed once we are allowed back in won’t it
be our fault?
FIND TELEHEALTH
Reply
SELECT A STATE
GET
HELP Deborah L.
LEARwhy didnt you kick him out Meg? kids need their own home surrounded by their own familiar things
and focus on yourself and them. He needs to seek help for himself the only contact you should have
N
w him is too allow him to have quality time w the children.
FORReply
PROF
meg
ESSI
I did not have a choice in the matter. I have just started back at school to finally get a better
ONA
education so I have no income so I would be unable to pay for the home. I have been going to
counselling and seeking help since this happened and he told me he would do the same he
LS
made it 12 days sober and sent the kids home early yesterday because his friend was coming
over and they were going to drink. My depression has not been easy and I know neither has
ABO
been trying to be sober for him it just seems like there is no hope to get better and be a family.
UT And I forgot to mention his mother who is battling depression and drinking is also living in the
home to try and work on getting better as well though it has not been working which is adding
to his stress and his want to drink.
Cathy
I’m glad I found this…I am having the same issue right now. I have been dating this guy for a little over 3
and half years and we got off to a rocky start a few months into our relationship when my ex decided all
of a sudden after not speaking to me for 6 months just had to be back in my life and showed up at my
house trying to talk…I made a point to be sure to tell the current bf because I didn’t want to lie to him,
well because I was very open with him about my past relationships he was not to thrilled and since has
had some major trust issues. In the past 7 months I have had two miscarriages due to birth control failing,
the first one I didn’t know about until after the fact and the second one I found out and stopped taking
my birth control, just to see if it would matter even though I pretty much knew it wouldn’t and may have
y j g p y y
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then I would
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rather it be sooner than later, since he has wanted to really try for a baby and I don’t really want to which
makes him mad. Now suddenly after 3 years he can’t tell me he loves me, and claims once I said that
about the miscarriage he stopped but has been saying it for the past two months trying to force himself
to feel it but won’t ever deal with whats bothering him, he just bottles it up and gets more and more
angry,
GET and even more angry if I try to talk to him about it which is frustrating to me because I am a talker
and try to talk things out. Not really sure what to do…I want to keep trying but not sure how to go about
it, he needs to talk it all out and get it out to let go of all the anger or try to but he just shuts me out and
HELP
ignores me for days on end and has an attitude from hell…I have said countless times that I’m sorry and
atLEAR
times things seem totally normal and others its like we’ve never shared anything together or been in
love…help.
N
Reply
FOR
deeksha
PROF
hiESSI
dr . Deb
i wanted to tell you something . please help me with this asap. i have been in a relationship since 2years .
he is the bestest guy i could ever have. but few days ago we broke up. the reason was i have been in
ONA
touch with my ex and i had never told him . actually we had few fights before coz of my ex but i dint
LS him or got him out of my life . i was indifferent to him . for me talking a little really dint matter . i
delete
never wanted him back or something. but the truth is i was in contact with him . this did hurt my
ABO
boyfriends feelings and i know he really loves me that is why he is so hurt . but the trust is gone in this
relationship dr. and the worst part was he got to know from him that we were in touch . as he texted him
on UT
facebook. i never had the courage to tell him because i thought somewhere that this will hurt him a lot
. actually i never thought from his perspective.but now I AM REALLY SORRY and i regret and i have the
feeling of guilt that i have hurt him so much dr. also this is not the first time i have hurt him. i have done it
twice and thrice and he is done with me now and has lost his trust in me . but dr. i understand and know
how he feels . and i accept my mistake that i have been a brat and lied to him. but i really dont want to
loose him dr. i would do anything to make him smile. but i really love him. i dont know how to make him
understand and get him back i am really immature with all this . also i never had the intension to hurt him
purposely. for me my ex never mattered. but yeah me being in contact was wrong . please reply ASAP? I
feel helpless dnt know what to do?
Reply
DrDeb
November 4th,
analyze our 2014 at
traffic. By2:17 PM
continuing to use this site you consent to our cookies.
Hi Deeksha
Hi Deeksha
GETyourself
Well, you are right – you did wrong. The key to a good relationship is being able to put LISTED in LOGIN
GoodTherapy ®
someone else’s shoes BEFORE you do something that you can’t undo. If he won’t listen, maybe you can
write him a nice email explaining how you now see your mistake. Then ask him how you can make it up to
him. Let me ask you: Do you know what he cares about? The things he likes? Maybe you can do that for
him. For ex, if he cares about politics, make a point of voting (if you’re in the US) today. Things like that.
Cater
GET to him and perhaps that will show him that you are not selfish after all. Good luck.
Reply
HELP
LEAR
deeksha
NNovember 5th, 2014 at 11:52 AM
hi dr . deb
FORactually i tried talking to him but hes talking to me very and replying to me . but he isnt doing that
on his own like texting me or calling me. i know hes really hurt thats why he doesnt feels like talking
PROFto me that much . i have apologised through texts and we fought on the ex issue also . it seems like
he wont be able to get that out of his mind right now. i know its very obvious. i told him that i miss
ESSIhim and am sorry but he said its okay . when i talk he will reply i know but i guess he needs
sometime? but dr. i really really miss him and i am breaking down every moment with the feel that i
ONAdid bad . but i apologised idk what more i should do. i have exams coming up.i cant focus also . all
this is scaring me and am thinking abt it 24*7 . please help me what to do ? give him time ? wait ?
LS
idk . but there is no trust . i have broken it all .
Reply
ABO
UT
what am i doing
I have been married for a year I love my husband we have a 6 yr old and a nine month old ..but are
relationship has been going down hill since I found out I was pregnant with the baby I found out he was
on heroin and it had taken over I moved us into a different area to help him stop drugs but know i feel like
all the weight is on me and im looking for another job when my husband is doin nothing can hardly ever
watch my boys and I have been thinking abut having sex with other men I’m just so confused hurt and
stressed out Christmas is coming and all we do is argue its really affecting the kids I think its making the
baby mean and he could carless about buying our kids colthes and I know Christmas is out the question
from him I don’t know what to do I keep kicking him out but by us being married he doesn’t have leave I
feel so depressed sad and used
Reply
GoodTherapy November 5th, 2014 at 9:48 AM

Hi What am i doing
®
The problem
FIND to me seems like you can’t separate
TELEHEALTH in your
SELECT mind the good man from the bad things he is
A STATE
doing. That is understandable. It is the basis of love and loyalty. On the other hand, your continued
GET
acceptance of him is actually coming across to him as a green light to continue his behavior no matter
what he does. Fighting and nagging don’t work. I’m afraid to say you will have to make other living
HELP
arrangements for yourself or for him in order to get the message across. As he is, he is a safety risk for
your kids. There’s no easy way to do this. You need the support of good friends and family right now and
LEARyou need the courage to take the right steps.
then
Reply
N
FOR
what am i doing
PROF
Thank u for the advice …. I have not let go of the good him and that’s what I been holding on to I
ESSI
know what he is now and i have so many emotions and I feel like I can save him or should I say my
heart tells me to save him and my mind knows he is gone I hate that I’m in this situation and my
ONA
family has cut me off for marrying him and I’m ashamed to talk about it to my friends around me but
they know heroin is really bad in ky right now and they ask me all time why is he always loaded I’m
LS
just trying to get mentally unwind from him and I just exploding on the inside
ABOReply
UT
Debby
Hi, I had to reply to this. And maybe Dr Deb can reply to this as well. I have been dating A good
man for over a year and a half. Treats me well, treats my son very well unfortunately does not
treat himself well. He’s had a hard life growing up.he has gone through emotional physical and
sexual abuse since he’s very young. Now in his early 40s and he’s just talking about it. His
grandma that he was very close to pass away this past April. Also he had lost a job around the
same time. He’s a hard worker but unfortunately when stress comes into play he does not
handle it very well and turns to heroin. Started out when he was about 23 he was in a very bad
car accident broke his back in two places was in a come or for three months and he survived
and today I or no one would even know how bad he was hurt. Is a very intelligent man used to
be an RN nurse until the car accident. And then prescription drugs painkillers took over. And
GoodTherapy uses
nowcookies to personalize
heroin. He’s been in andcontent and ads
out of rehab’s fortothe
provide better
past three services
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and he was this site
feeling goodyou consent
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be cookies.
continuing his
recovery at another facility. However in the meantime is insurance that he had was stopped
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they could not wait a day to get it resolved which he now has it again. However with in those
®
24 hours he went and got high and now unfortunately he was arrested. I explain to the officer
when I had called and explained him what he’s been going through the last few months he also
FIND TELEHEALTH SELECT A high
has been diagnosed with bipolar psychotic, STATE
anxiety, PTSD depression and ADHD. Most of
them are very things that happen when a young child is sexy abused. I’ve been trying to
GET research these and understand him more. Now since his arrest I had the day before kicked him
out of my apartment because I did not want to go through it again even though I love him with
HELP
all my heart I gave him my whole heart I cannot continue to go through this with him he needs
to do this on his own. I don’t even know if he still in jail if he is maybe getting the help I have
LEAR
no idea. But honestly knowing that he’s not here and that he’s probably most likely in jail I’m
not stressed. I feel it’s probably a good thing for him to be in there right now. I’m hoping that
N
he will get the help that he needs because he is a very good man he just needs help dealing
with his past. I told him to maybe give it a year before we actually start dating again though I
FOR
will be here for him to talk to but I suggested him to write me letters instead of calling me.
People usually can get their feelings out more when writing them down then talking on the
PROF
phone. Heroin is the worst drugged I’ve seen him go through things and I’ve heard stories and
it’s very scary out there. So to “what am I doing” I could ask you the same one of my doing and
ESSI
I crazy to continue to hold on hoping and praying and I have a very strong faith in my religion
he does not. He’s a very lost little boy even though he’s 42 he’s very lost and I’m hoping he can
ONA
be found that he can find himself. I know he loves me very much he says he needs me but I
need him to love a need himself first.
LS
Sorry to ramble on. I may not know what you’re going through but I’m sure I’ve had the same
thoughts and feelings as you have I hope things will get better for you as well.
ABO
UT
DrDeb
Hi Deeksha
What about what I suggested — doing things that he cares about? Did you try that?
Reply
Harley
So I just found out that my boyfriend has been a sexting another girl for about a week. When I caught him
I wanted to know everything. Why he did it. When it started. We have been together for over 2 and a half
years. I am 4 months pregnant. We have had a few rough patches but nothing like this And I don’t know

how I am suppose to go about trying to get back to the way we were. How do I go about trusting him
when I am not home.

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Reply
®

Stephen
GET
I have been unfaithful to my wife for 10 years. I would like to rebuild our relationship. How can I do this
HELP
Reply
LEAR
N Brittany
FOR
Please help.
My almost 2yr old was born special needs. She almost died…for 2 mos in the NICU.
PROF
During my pregnancy there were a thousand promises he would stop smoking pot. After the initial scare
heESSI
did, but a month later he was back at it. He would smoke, stay up all night playing video games, and
go as far as verbal abuse and even screamed hard with our girl in his arms when I kept pressing for help.
ONA
He screamed so hard she screamed in terror (at 2 mos when she just got home). Shehas permanent
hearing loss, so this I
howLSbad it was. I hold so much anger for him.
My daughter was very sick even at home. Every day I saved her multiple times from aspiration. Alone.
ABO
Time passed, I got weak and joined in myself. Quickly I feared for her well being and quit again. It was
notUT
helping my PP PTSD. He promised to quit, did, then started again. He has been doing it ever since. I
broke up with him. He used excessive guilt and said he would change. I told him I was tired of the lies. I
came home from work and he told me how I made him feel ugly and unwanted. I let him do what he
wanted, and he finished in me!
Needless to say I am pregnant again, miserable, and up with my SN daughter since 3 bc he feels entitled
to smoke pot and play games till early in the morning.
I should mention the ONLY promise he has ever kept is to be faithful (I think?…). He has broken every
promise outside that. Every. Single. One. I wish I was exaggerating.
Reply
Empty
I recently found out my boyfriend lost feelings for me over a lot of arguing. But we been talking and he
told me he got some back and he felt better about things. I decided to give him space , no
GET talking or
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texting for a DAT , just to see if he would miss me. Then he told me , he really didn’t and that he didn’t
feel any urges to talk or anything. I don’t know what to do at this point. I feel like I’m really losing him if
he doesn’t feel as crazy for me like he did before. I need help… Should I end this ? Or keep trying ?
Reply
GET
HELP
trapi
November
LEAR 17th, 2014 at 11:08 AM
iv been wit my man for 9 years now but we are not married, we have a kid and now she is 6 years old,, we
met Nin high school whith my boy friend and there everything was preety good, we used to love each other
very much share everything together bt last year early things started to change, i found him in our bed
whith
FOR this other girl, since then evrythn was not good he never gave me a reason to forgive him for what
he did. I love him very much,, i think i did for the past years but not anymore… One thing that bothers me
isPROF
that i cant break up whith him and i dont know why… Even though iv fallen out of love in him. Or mayb
im sick… Help plz
ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS
DrDeb
HiABO
Brittany
It sounds to me like your husband is suffering from abuse, depression, trauma or something like that. His
UT
behavior sounds lazy and selfish, I know. But people don’t act like that out of the clear blue for no reason.
He needs help. Get him to an addictions specialist asap!! See what your insurance will cover in the way of
a residential treatment program. His reactions are not normal. If he won’t go, then perhaps you need to
make plans without him because he could endanger your child more than he already has.
Reply
Tony
Hello,
My girlfriend of 15 months, found out a week ago that I cheated with my ex. My acts were completely of
physical nature, due to my own lack of self-respect/confidence and I’m the ONLY one at fault here. She
has stated since that day that she wants to love me, but is numb, which I truly understand because I’m the
same way with regret and shame.
My question, after some texting back and forth the first few days and one conversation on the phone, I’ve
y quest o , a te so e te t g bac a d o t t e st e days a d o e co e sat o o t e p o e, e
GET LISTED
gone with here wishes to leave her alone right now. How long do I stay silent? Do I refrain from anyLOGIN
GoodTherapy ®
words like “I love you”, “I miss you” or is ok to give her little words to let her know I’m here and thinking
of her so much with sorrow, regret and understanding. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to gain back her
trust and respect.
Can you give me a few words of advise?
GET
Reply
HELP
bunny
LEAR
I have
N been with my man for six years now and in those years there been lies,cheating, abuse and just
disrespect. We currently stay together and we been trying to work on it but HE talks to others girls or
spend
FOR time with them while I’m at work or at home alone, my man says I don’t talk to him been saying it
for the whole relationship. Not true I talk to him he is just a deep thinker and he thinks or talks about
things
PROF that’s I’m not interested in. I love this man really do I know I need to open up more….he needs to
be at home with me be sweet my man is really hard on me he gets upset cause I don’t talk to him about
ESSI
my goals or plans BUT I don’t have any that he doesn’t know. I say I can’t do this relationship no more he
tells me I have control over the relationship the ball in my court, i have the problems to fix it. If that’s the
ONAthen why does he bring up the old things that I have done to make our relationship bad. I love him i
case
would die for him please help me fix my relationship we were supposed to get married September 12,
LS
2017
Reply
ABO
UT
dan
November 22nd, 2014 at 5:59 AM
Me and my girlfriend are together for 2.5 years. The past few month we argued a lot, and she was saying i
ignore her and dont give her enough attention. It took me a lot of time to understand what she meant
and what i was doing wrong, and by the time i did she felt distant from me and cheated on me
emotionally with another guy.
When i did understand what she was missing and started working on that i havent felt any feedback from
her, and when we talked about it she came clean about what she did.
She said she does want us to fix our relationship, but she does not now if its possible because she feels
her love for me was damaged.
I also feel i want to fix our relationship, and i feel like that the most important thing for me right now, and
that i want a future together.
So we areuses
GoodTherapy stuck in a weird
cookies situation where
to personalize i wantand
content to be
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to provide time,services
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oura lot.
userssheand to 
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our traffic. dosent feel to
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thisme right
site younow…
consent to our cookies.
Im having a very hard time to deal with the distance on one hand i want to give her some space and
Im having a very hard time to deal with the distance, on one hand i want to give her some space, and
GETa LISTED
hard time LOGIN
GoodTherapy
rebuild our relationship slowly, but on the other hand i miss her all the time and i have
®
staying back.
Im afraid that im pushing to hard and it will drive her off, but on the other hand im afraid that we will
grow apart
FIND even further
I believe we both want the same thing which is to be together, and be happy together, but i dont know
how
GETto get there..
Be happy to hear your advice

HELP
Reply
LEAR
N
Tricia
FORWow your situation sounds much like mine but it’s the other way around. My boyfriend and I have
been together for 9 yrs and we recently just parted ways in the past 4 days. He left me. But he was
PROFthe one ignoring me and the problems in our relationship and it seemed like the more I tried to love
him the more he pushed me away. He said he loves me but is not in love with me anymore but still
ESSIcares about me. We both have had some trying experiences and abandonment issues before we got
together. I did so much for him when times were bad for us and he just holed up and bottled up. I
ONA
know I did not handle it right myself. I hope that he will come around as well and will see how
selfish he was which he has admitted but I guess I should not push the issue of wanting to be with
LS
him still because it will only drive him away more. I’m so hurt right now.
ABOReply
UT
list25
Hi I been married 4 years with my husband and we have a daughter. we’ve had our ups and but he always
lies to talking to girls 8 caught so many time texting emailing them.his promised to change and it never
happens I tried controlling everything which wasn’t a good things cus we just fought even more. He met a
girl and decided to stay out late night and I caught him by calling her # she denied and he all did and then
he said wasn’t like that but he had a 30 min conversation with the following day.we talked n he promised
he would change the following week he did it again and I caught her text him saying prove it your not
with her.that morning I confronted him and he asked me and my daughter to leave the house since had
feelings for this person.i moved out and I’m really sad cus he didn’t care one bit the damage he caused
and now blames.me that whatever he had going on isn’t there with that girl. His constantly talking down
to me and throwing it my face his out partying talking to girls while I’m sad cus I love him. Then the next
GoodTherapy
he wantsuses
me tocookies tohim
prove to personalize content and
I’m not controlling ads to8provide
or jealous order tobetter
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him and his bashing
d d ht db i h t i hi h dh ld h t hi i f t d
me and my daughter and begging her to give him a chance and he would never cheat on him.i confronted
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him and all he did was laugh in my face and say we have something good we just don’t live together. I
®
don’t know what do anymore since we do have daughter and I have to see him.
Reply
GET
Eduardo
HELP
My gf and I were together almost 5 years and had a son together. She had a death in the family and i was
LEAR
working at night. She said i was not there for her and I would push her away and that is why she cheated
on me and have gave up on us. I feel like she sometimes it’s manipulated by her sister and that is also
N
why e are not together because her sister tells her r should not be together. There was a few weeks were
it looked like could with things out but now I’m not sure. She says had no more feelings anymore for
FOR
me.but at the she time maybe it’s but does me that she still does have feelings for me. I dont what to do.
She had told me she wants to see what is out there abd eventually were might get back together but at
PROF
the same time days we will get back together. I live in la area, she lives in Bakersfield and the only way
she will let me see my son is if i come and stay with her and her mom but i sleep on the couch to see my
ESSI
son because if i don’t i can’t see my son and she won’t let me take my son for the weekend. I honestly am
confused and hurt and dont know what to do anymore. I do still love her and know she talks and is
ONA
seeing other people and I’m stuck waiting for her. Please help me…
Reply
LS
ABO
Tricia
UT
Hi Dr. Deb
It’s only been four days since the end of my relationship of 9yrs. He left me because he says he isn’t in
love with me but still cares about me and he did love me. I have told him that I love him and want to fix
the problems. We went through some hard times in the relationship with his loss of jobs and he shut
down and became lazy while I worked. We fought a lot about money and being broke and our intimate
life became non-existent and problems in the bedroom because how much we fought and never settled
anything. I didn’t know how to handle all the tough times with him losing his job and being lazy and
depressed so I nagged at him which created more arguing. I know that it was not the way to handle it but
I didn’t know what else to do. He started ignoring me and the more I tried to love him he pushed me
away. Things eventually got back on track with him finding a job but our relationship never seemed to
recover. He had admitted his faults in the relationship and told me he loved me the best of his ability. I
know I am also at fault for things in our relationship. I have admitted this and we have both admitted to
GoodTherapy uses
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to save content
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FINDLeslie
December 3rd, 2014 at 10:34 AM
GET
Hi I’ve been married to my husband for eleven yrs together for eighteen. Last November I made a huge
mistake and cheated on him. We got back together but this November came around and we are
HELP
seperated. He says his feelings haven’t changed for me he just needs time to clear his head. First he said
he wanted a divorce now he’s not sure. Do you think there’s still a chance for us? I made my mistake but I
LEAR
really do love him and want to be forever!
Reply
N
FOR
Vicky
PROF
Give him the time he needs or this will not work. What he feels is happening to him not you. You can
ESSI
not rush this you must put yourself aside and your feeling and le him handle his. This must be his
decision. I have been you and I dn t and it didn t eventually nd well.
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO
Alita
December
UT 5th, 2014 at 7:28 PM
My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for two years and a half. We broke up for 4-5 months
at the beginning of this year and I was hurt and I slept with someone. I didn’t tell him the truth about it, I
just kept saying that it didn’t happen. And it kept bothering me every day. So I brought it up a couple of
days ago, and he broke up with me because he said he couldn’t trust me. I was pretty much begging him
to take me back, and we met up at the park earlier so we could talk. And I still didn’t tell him the
complete truth. Then he came by my house later to pick up his laptop but I wasn’t able to log out of
Facebook. So he found some old messages from me and that other guy and he caught me in the lie. Now
he won’t forgive me. He said that I’ve lost him completely for good. I feel guilty. I feel horrible. I’ve hit
rock bottom. I feel the worst for hurting him like I have. I should have told him the truth, but I didn’t want
to lose him or hurt him by telling him. I love him more than anything and he’s the love of my life. And
later when I called i said to him that I hope that one day he can forgive me. And he said no that he’ll take
it to his grave and that he will never accept my apology. I wish he could look past everything and not care
about my past and just love me for who I am. But I have destroyed him. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m hoping that sometime in the future he is able to forgive me and give me another chance. I just have to
keep praying. Do any of you think that there might still be a chance? I really do feel horrible for what
happened and I love him so much GET LISTED LOGIN
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Reply
®

Chantal
GET
Dearest Dr. Deb…
HELP
I’m writing this praying and hoping for a response from anyone at this point. I have been with my bf for 7
years. We’re both 27 years old. A few years ago I spent a year abroad…we still tried to maintain the
LEAR
relationship although I didn’t put much effort into it due to my then selfish nature. I cheated and had sex
with several men. 3 years later I’ve kept it to myself and never told him. Of course I’ve been tested and
N
done all the practical things but the guilt is why I suffer because he is a wonderful person and did not
deserve that. I can’t ever tell him because once I told him I’d kissed another guy and he couldn’t take it….I
FOR
can’t imagine telling him I had sex with more than a few guys…he would die or kill someone…my question
is…what do I do??? I wish I could change the past but I can’t…I clearly didn’t love him then…or if I did I
PROF
loved myself more…I was a selfish child I know but what do I do now? He loves me and I get moments of
deep
ESSIsadness because of what I’ve done…please help me because I regret it all and I love him so much….I
feel tortured….
ONA
Reply
LS
S.
ABO
Hello,
UT
I’m 32 and have been with my bf for 7 years now. He asked me to marry him a year and a half ago and I
just didnt feel i could do it so after a month of wearing the ring i took it off and told him that we need to
work at our relationship before we could do this step. My problems is that we grew apart, hardly had any
sex, didnt talk about things more than day to day stuff and were more like room mates in the past 3
years. I told him over and over again that i have a problem with the way we are even before the proposal
but he didnt really do anything about it. As for myself i’m good at delaying thinking about things i cant
handle and have had my suspicions about if i really love him as a partner and not only as a best friend for
years now. The last year i found myself crying each time after we had sex (which was rare) and i kept
saying things these past few years to hint that babies or marriage is not for me-Just didnt want to rock
the boat i guess, i was okay in a way just passing time without dealing. Since the proposal and my 30th
birthday i became more restless and since i took off the ring he just ignored the whole thing while i tried
to get therapy for myself and get him with me for couples therapy which lasted only a few times before a
proposal was made that we seperate for a trial seperation and see what happens. So we seperated last
july for 2 months during which (and now i quite regret it) i met someone (26 years old..) that unfortunately
i still have a lot of feelings (love?) for even though we were together for a about 3 weeks before i said i
had to give my bf a second chance. Since then (start of october) we tried traveling together for 3 weeks
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to nepal, subletting anapartment together (we got out of ours in october) and i cant seem to make it
work, im restless, im crying every day a few times. I do have anxiety issued (have OCD) and borderline
depression and i dont know if i should read into my sadness or not. I cant seem to feel close to him or
see him as my partner and though i try really hard not to the other guy keeps popping to my head
although i feel he shouldnt as it isnt the real thing i have with my bf.
GET
What can i do to see him as my partner again? To want him? Can i save this? Im not a quiter but maybe im
going too far? I dont trust my own judgement anymore. I ferl list in my professional life as well and feel
HELP
like maybe im just taking it out on my relaitionship?
Advice?
LEAR
S.
N
Reply
FOR
Alessandra
PROF
SoESSI
recently my boyfriend of 8 months has been under a lot of stress. He’s been having family issues, car
issues, and money issues. I noticed a change in how he acts and looks at me, so I asked him what was
going
ONA on. He told me that he was just stressed out and that it was no big deal. I could tell that there was
more to it thought. So when be was at hos parents house I called him to ask when he was going to be
home.
LS He said he wasn’t sure. Him not being sure had really upset me because I had been having a really
bad day and I needed him. So then I just came right out and asked him if he still loved me like he used…
heABO
said no.
Now it’s been a few weeks later and he says that he’s back to normal, and although he’s still stressed he
UT me more than he used to. I don’t know if I believe him or not though. I mean he swears that he does,
loves
but he really broke my heart by saying that to me in the first place. What do I do?
Reply
S.
Does dr deb answer posts here anymore?
Reply
summer
hi, we’d been together for 6 yrs, it was not a perfect relationship but we did get through on all of the
, e d bee toget e o 6 y s, t as ot a pe ect elat o s p but e d d get t oug o all o t e
trials and challenges, i thought we are stronger now because we had been througha GET LISTED
lot of LOGIN
rough patches.
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we were so happy, he has a lot of obligations and responsibilities thats why we have money issues but
that didnt bother us. or i just thought so. for the past months i was the one who’s paying for our dates,
sometimes he will pay for the meal and i will pay for the movies, but most of the time i was the one who
pays a lot. but thats not an issue for me. since we have this money issues i dont demand something new
toGET
try with him, i let him know that i understand his situation. he said that he was starting to feel stressed
because he might lose his job, i told him not to worry and i will always be there for him. we were so
happy,
HELP no coldness at all, though he keeps on posting confusing statuses on fb like, here i am waiting i
have to leave soon, and if you risk nothing you will risk everything and so on. and that bothered me, i
asked
LEAR him about that and he told me it was nothing. until one day he stopped calling/texting me, for 4
days. he is not answering my calls and texsts. after that 4 days, he was online and i was too, so i
messaged
N him, and thats when he told me that he wants to break up with me. he said that he cant provide
me anything because he is broke and lots of responsibilities, he came to a point that he realized that he
will
FOR be turning 30 next yr but he still does not achieve anything in his life, he feels lost and confused and
that made him confused as well towards his feelings for me. i was so devastated. he said that he wants to
break
PROF up and no communication at all. he said that he cannot make me happy. what should i do. he is
pushing me away
ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS DrDeb
HiABO
#265 S
Yes, when I am asked. But you do have to understand that since I am crazy busy, if people want to jump in
andUThelp each other, then I don’t need to always weigh in. Other people have great ideas, too. So, yes, I
“answer” but no, I don’t always comment.
Reply
S.
Hey dr deb,
I was just wondering if this blog is active, cause sometimes you come across old blogs which are no
longer active.. Didnt mean to criticize.. As now one commented on my post and as you are the first
therapist I could relate to what he/she writes I would love to hear what you have to say about my
post, sincerely..
Thank
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A.
HiGET
Dr. Deb,
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 and ½ years now. He proposed to me this year, on our 7th
anniversary,
HELP and i say yes. I love him with all my heart and getting married was all I have ever wanted
from him but I had a strong gut feeling that I wasn’t who he truly loved. I felt this way because in the past
LEAR I brought up marriage, he would get sort of mad and say “it’ll come when it does”. We are both very
when
dependent on each other because we started dating when we were 16/17 years old. We are also very
N
different so I don’t know why we held on to each other this long but I also know that I couldn’t go on
without him. I had a sense of self-incompleteness so I decide to travel and volunteer in a different country
FOR
for 3 weeks. Throughout my relationship with, I have always performed horribly regarding academics. I
was at a university and I was barely passing my classes. This is the reason why I decided to travel alone. I
PROF to discover who I really was before I got married to my boyfriend. I wanted to live up to my
wanted
potential because I had always failed in school and my self-esteem was really low. I was doing really well
ESSI
academically before I met my boyfriend but everything went downhill once I started dating him. This past
summer, as my departure to travel neared, my boyfriend became sort of controlling and we argued a lot
ONA
(we had always argued a lot, but this time, even more). He’s an insecure person (he always accused me of
cheating on him and having crushes on other men, which I NEVER did) but I believed that he could
LS
overcome it one day. I went away to volunteer in a different country by myself ( it was my first time
traveling alone and out of the US). He was very worried about me and I understand that, but he was also
ABO
worried that I would cheat on him. Neither of us have a history of cheating or doing such thing. We kept
arguing every day that I was away. He was mad and disappointed that I went alone. He firmly believed
UT
that I went to volunteer in a different country to find someone else and leave him. One day during the 3
weeks that I was away, we got into a really heated argument over the fact that he didn’t understand my
mission of traveling alone. Then, I basically told him that I was fed up him, we’re broken up, and that he’s
free to go do whatever he wants, and I’ll do the same. I didn’t mean it but we had always threatened each
other of leaving but we never left. I just had it with him. I came back home, and we kind of worked things
out. About a month upon coming back, he finally confessed to me that he had slept with another woman
while I was gone. I was hurt. I wanted to leave him for good considering all that has happened but I didn’t
have the strength to leave. I was vulnerable I wanted to work things out and I almost felt at fault. He kept
saying that I have finally pushed him over the edge so talked to another woman to “protect” him. He also
said that if he didn’t cheat, I would have been the one to cheat. I tried to delete him out of my life but he
found his way back and said that he truly loved me and that sleeping with that other woman was only a
one-time thing because we were “broken up” at that time. Then, he would still defend himself and bring
up how HE was hurt when I left to Peru. Four months after his “incident”, and we are now trying to forgive
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but I still adsresentment.
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will be different. He feels like he
l h t h It ll d l h d ’t f l lik h h t hi lf ht t b k I
was also hurt when I travelled alone so he doesn’t feel like he has to prove himself much to get me back. I
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want to be with him but he’s not doing anything to gain his trust back. Nowadays, if we get into an
®
argument he’ll just threaten to leave the relationship. He thinks I always want to argue about little things.
He has a very hard time apologizing and admitting he was wrong. One day we’re happy, the next we’re
FIND TELEHEALTH
borderline broken up. I’m lost and confused. ISELECT A STATE
need help.
Reply
GET
HELP
Eduardo
LEAR
December 21st, 2014 at 8:13 AM
I wrote on here in November of this year. I go see my son in Bakersfield at my ex gf’s house where she
N
lives with her aunt. I still have feelings for her but i think she still does too but she the Ok our relationship
of going bad only my fault. I dint know what to do. I ask her if she is seeing anyone and she says no but i
FOR
don’t believe she is honest. What should i do… I need help from anyone at this point… Need advise…
Reply
PROF
ESSI
Eduardo
ONA
I am still in love with her…
LS
Reply
ABO
UT Dominique
December 23rd, 2014 at 2:04 PM
I am guilty of the above accusations.
I found this article because I realized what I was doing to the guy I planned to marry. And I realized it too
late – I realized it when he finished pulling away from me.
We’re in a long distance relationship and for the past year, I’ve been treating him like a dog. I cut him
down. I was insensitive to his struggles and feelings. I blew him off when he opened up to me. I yelled at
him. I ignored his emotions and efforts. I attacked him. I made him try to do everything for me. I took all
his time and his energy and gave nothing in return. I didn’t work to understand him as a person. I was
very ungrateful towards him. Etc, etc.
It wasn’t until this month that I realized I had lost him. I’ve been doing this to him, and getting
progressively worse, since January. He closed off from me this month. He was becoming distant the past
couple months, and now he’s numb. And I realized what I’d been the past year.
We planned to get married in 2016 but this month he pulled away from me because he didn’t think we
We planned to get married in 2016, but this month he pulled away from me because he didn t think we
GETthe
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would work out anymore. Why? Because of the way I had been acting and treating him past year. I
®
knew I had lost him. He denies anything changing, but it’s there. And I don’t know if I’ll be able to get him
back.
FINDhe
I know TELEHEALTH
still loves me. I know he still wouldSELECT A STATE
like to spend the rest of his life with me. But I’ve damaged
him so severely now, that I can’t break through to him anymore. I can’t reach him. He feels cold.
GET
I’ve lost his trust. I’m losing his love. I’ve lost his patience. He was so patient with me the past year. He
treated
HELP me like I was his diamond. And, in return, I treated him like he was worthless.
So now I must go on the journey to get him back. I must listen, instead of talk. I must show I respect him,
LEAR
instead of blowing him off. I need to be caring, loving. I need to keep him safe and I need to revamp my
whole attitude around him. I need to stop blaming him for everything and take responsibility for my
N
failings.
I don’t
FOR want to lose him. But I’m hopeless now, because he was so good and I don’t know if I’ll be able to
get him back. It’s time to rebuild my relationship with him, the right way, except I’m pretty overwhelmed
and
PROFdon’t know where to start.
So yeah…that’s my story.
ESSI
A bit of advice from me to you:
For
ONAall you out there who are in relationships where the other doesn’t see their hurtful behavior…it is
possible for them to see it. I saw mine, even if I saw it too late. It takes time and patience. But it also
takes
LS honesty from you to them. Don’t let them get away with their hurtful behavior. Confront them,
because that’s what love is. Letting them get away with it isn’t showing them love, it’s only hurting them.
But
ABOthe key to breaking through to them is this: Don’t get angry. Show them why something is the way it
is. Some examples might help. Remember, if you get angry, you say unwise things. When arguments start,
keep
UTcalm. Don’t start yelling because they do. Don’t start explaining everything. Keep your answers
calm and to the point. Don’t let yourself follow their bunny trails. And know, there is a time to speak and
a time to stay silent.
I wish you the best of luck in your relationships. If you pray, then pray for help. But if the person who is
hurting you is dragging you down, know when it’s time to leave. And maybe, just maybe, they’ll come
around and run right back home and into your arms.
Reply
dancingcrab
Hello!! We’re on the same team!! I used to abuse my bf’s emotions so bad. He says that i’m the one
GoodTherapy usesBut
for him. cookies to personalize
after hurting content
him so much and and adshim
leaving to provide better
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onto this traffic. By anymore
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depressed consent to idk
it and ourhow
cookies.
to win him back.
I love him and i don’t want to ever lose him But i feel undeserving to be by his side again Yet i
I love him and i don t want to ever lose him. But i feel undeserving to be by his side again. Yet i
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really want to mend things with him and get back on track together as a real loving couple too. I’m
®
trying to be nice every now and then but he gets so sensitive and blows up at the slightest thing i
do. Should i let him go because i don’t deserve him or should i stay and try to win him back? I know
a part
FIND of him still wants me though :/ really
TELEHEALTH depressed
SELECT A STATEnow :(
Reply
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HELP
hurtchu
LEARMarch 1st, 2015 at 1:12 AM
I’ve been on both sides of the coin in your situation. I was just like you say you are my gr8 off 3yrs
Nand didn’t even notice I was doin that. And n November. Circumstances made me go back to Russia
while she got help for her physcological. Depression I put her threw. And while she was away. I was
FORlonely. And depressed so I found some ways to alter my mind” drugs” and didn’t physically cheat
but read postings. And flirted but nothing physical and if I wasn’t high I would never dream if doing
PROF
that. But the last 4months since I was honest when she asked she’s beat me down to the point. That
even though. I love. Her so much I can’t take another. Hit.I know she loves me but she hardly talks to
ESSI
meme anymore ignores me doesn’t find me interesting and pulling away from me and I’m am
starting to feel like pull in out myself. I’m not really feeling like. She puts it insecure. Cuz Im not.but
ONA
her actions say to me she’s entertaining. Other options. Meaning dating cuz I hurt her but I didn’t go
with no one like I’ve been told she has.and if that’s happened I won’t be able. To be with her again
LS
cuz I don’t believe that luck. I would love to show I was wrong in the beginning for ignorance. An. At.
The end forimaturity and hurting her emotionally break in trust. And if she hasn’t done wrong
ABO
physically try to rebuild I will not let u down
UTReply
shona
Hi I just hoping for advice. My boyfriend and I were perfect, then I messed up. I landed in jail. When I got
out I asked him what I had to do, I didn’t want him to give up on me, on us. He said he loved me with his
whole heart but I hurt him and I had to rebuild his trust. I gave him a chance to walk away, he fell apart
said he missed me so much loved me so much. He said I had to work on me, and to not focus on him. I’m
working on me I don’t want to lose him..I’ve seen him once in almost 3 weeks, since I got out. I used to
live with him, in his arms every night. I’m having a hard time my heart is breaking. He usually texts or calls
everyday. I don’t know wether to keep fighting or give up..cuz it hurts and I want it to stop. He has never
lied to me and usually says what he means, but I’m lost. Past relationships are kinda interfering with my
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Arthur
®
FIND TELEHEALTH
December 28th, 2014 at 6:59 PM SELECT A STATE
My whole life I have wanted to find someone Who cared about me just for me. who could see the
GET
greatness in me and learn to love me. about 8 months ago I found that person. I fell deeply in love with
her. she learned to care about me deeply. but recently, within the last few months I have made so many
HELP
huge mistakes by saying so many hurtful things and though I am deeply ashamed and regretful of my
actions and my hurtful words, I know that sometimes people can’t ever be forgiven and can’t ever be
LEAR
loved again. sometimes, those we love so much, if we make the mistake of taking them for granted and
saying hurtful things to them even though we don’t mean them, we could end up hurting them so deeply
N
that they justifiably learn to feel betrayed and our irreparable damage forces the ones we love so much to
leave. for some people who are…different, they are emotionally built differently and they cannot “just
FOR
move on” and the pain remains with them for ever. since hurting the one I loved so deeply, so much, she
has chosen to never want contact and I granted her that peace she asked for. always remember, for those
PROF
out there who are in relationships that are struggling, or are working things out, make sure before you say
something, you think before you speak, install a filter between your lips and your tongue so to speak,
ESSI
because if you choose to say something hurtful, you can never take it back and the damage caused by
what you assume is just a simple word is far more destructive and painful long term.
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO gloria
UT
Thanks Arthur great advice@
Reply
The___Darkness
July 28th, 2015 at 4:18 AM
My problem exactly Arthur. After betraying his trust three times he agreed to try a last time as what
we had was so amazing. For the next four months he lied about his true feelings. He told me he
loved me, but not how little or that he was making himself ill trying to feel as he did at the start. I
had no idea of this, I knew how I had hurt him and reiterated that I didn’t expect him to say he loved
me. I desperately wanted his love but only if freely given. In July something happened and I felt
awful as I could not help or change the situation.
We had a stupid argument, unrelated but I told him I was leaving. I have depression and self esteem
issues, as does he. He has been badly hurt in the past, so much so that anyone who hurts him gets
pushed away forever. He has no friends, admitted that he is scared how easily he shuts people out of
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his life. And now? I am on the reject list. For him, saying I was leaving was the final straw. I must add
I have never felt worthy of his love. He is so beautiful and clever and educated. He can do far better
than me. He said I didn’t get to decide who he loved.
FIND
So,TELEHEALTH SELECT
after 16 months, I have pushed him away for Agood.
STATEI am utterly devastated. He was my
everything, the last time I felt anything similar was 20 years ago when I was 21. This guy blew me
GET
away, touched my soul, I used to spend ages just watching him read, sleep, do anything. He has
stated emphatically that it is over. My final rejection of his efforts to start again are a step to far. He
HELP
will never be able to love me again. I am angry he was not honest about his true feelings the last
few months. I feel cheated, but mostly I regret saying something I didn’t mean. I never wanted to
LEAR
split up with him.
Now all I have left is regret and a life without him in it. I would give anything to go back to earlier
N
this year and try again with his honesty. I don’t know how to have a life without him. I know he was
my soulmate, I would have forgiven him anything and fought to keep him in my life whatever he said
FOR
or did to reject or hurt me. My life is complete with him in it. I wish he had been honest, fought for
me. I cannot believe he dumped me so easily with no care or feeling. I suppose I deserve it though.
PROF
He Is sad it ended like this and wants to be friends. I can’t be friends with someone who broke my
heart with no feeling and so easily. To see him with another woman would kill me all over again. The
ESSI
insult to injury is he will be visiting sex clubs for when he wants sex again but is still single. The
thought of sex with anyone but him is not an option for me. To imagine him there, after all that has
ONA
passed, I just don’t know how he can be so cold and cruel. All I want now is to hate him. Anything
LSbut this constant pain I feel. I just want to die, anything but imagine him touching someone else.
Please, help me stop the non stop pain I feel. He has utterly broken me, I don’t know if I will ever
ABOrecover. I want to, and soon! One thing I do know, I will never allow myself to love again. I don’t
want this anymore. Xx
UTReply
Sarah P
Rebuilding love after emotional damage can be difficult, but through forgiveness and effective
communication a damaged relationship can be heal.
Reply
Claire
January 1st, 2015 at 4:50 AM
Me and my husband (together 10 years, married 18m) have 2 children together. He told me 4 days ago that
he didn’t think he loved me anymore as we have grown apart. This was totally out of the blue. We have
not been arguing. We never have. I thought we always talked about our feelings. I don’t
GET feel the same
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drift he does, so it is very confusing. I have asked him if there is someone else, he swears not and I am
inclined to believe him. Everyone is so shocked, by his actions. And his reasons are quite vague, saying
that he feels stuck and trapped and can’t see any other way out but to separate. This is so unlike him.
Very out of character. He is the most caring person I know, and to go this far without speaking to me so
we could try to fix things, is one of the things that hurts the most.
GET
He can’t look me in the eye, and when I ask why he says he feels so guilty. I have a feeling he is going
through some sort of emotional crisis, like a breakdown. And am trying to get him to seek help. For his
HELP
benefit, and for mine. I can’t get it through my head that this is what he really wants. He has always been
so focussed in what he wants and if problems occur, deals with them. But this time it feels like he is
LEAR
running away from the most important thing in our lives. Our family. Any advice would be much
appreciated. Thank you.
N
Reply
FOR
PROF
moe
ESSIJanuary 2nd, 2015 at 2:37 PM
Sorry to hear that. Love you not in love with you,it is the most common thing going round in
ONAmarriage today. Facebook, smart phone,kids,help others and work. Wife don’t have time to put in
with all other thing.. So you grow apart. In vest in your life
LS
Reply
ABO
UT
DrDeb
January 3rd, 2015 at 3:34 PM
Hi A
When teenagers cling together the way you describe you and your boyfriend did, it shows that you each
had some insecurities to begin with. This is normal: teens are just starting life and they really haven’t
enough life experience to be secure. This is why most relationships beginning in teen years don’t last. The
best relationships are made with two people who are secure within themselves. Then they have
something to bring into the relationship instead of just taking from it. That said, the fact that the two of
you were loyal to one another until you broke up with him shows some maturity. Telling someone it is
over and not meaning it, on the other hand, is not mature. So your idea to get some space was good. But
it needs to be more than three weeks. You need to find yourself academically, vocationally, spiritually,
emotionally. It doesn’t mean you can’t see your boyfriend, but you should put marriage on hold.
Meanwhile, yes, you should both get counseling to help this process. A therapist sees you with more
objective eyes than you see yourselves.
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Ashley
®

I NEED HELP or at least some insight. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. It was
been
GETpractically perfect. When we would fight, it would be legitimate, and it’d be resolved in a calm, kind
hearted manner. Before I met him I had been in a 5 yr relationship that emotionally and mentally abused
me,
HELPand before then, throughout my childhood and teenage years, id been abused the same way by my
father. In that time, I built up walls, defense mechanisms, habits, behaviors etc that I always vaguely
noticed
LEAR but not enough to think it was damaging anyone, including myself.
Well, a few of those behaviors are compulsive thoughts or actions, sometimes harmful, like drinking too
N
much, or taking too much medicine, etc. We’ve lived together for about a year & the night before this
happened, we talked about getting engaged & how we were going to make plans for the future.
FOR
Then i screwed up. I was caught looking through his moms medicine. She takes pain pills for diseases she
has,
PROF and ive known that for years, but for whatever reason, my subconscious compulsive mind led me to
do it. His mom told him later on, and he was just overall shocked because within a 24 hour period our
conversation
ESSI went from marriage to me trying to take pills. I’ve only ever done this once before, not to
say that this is okay. I feel ultimate guilt, shame, disgust with myself, sorrow for hurting him and his
mom…
ONA And more.
I immediately sought a counselor and a psychiatrist to treat my impulsive & compulsive

LS
behaviors/anxieties/what have you. He sought a separate counselor just to deal with the general hurt and
to come to terms with acceptance. He still wants to be with me, he still says he’s in love with me, but he
ABO
just can’t go back to normal immediately. I understand that. There was a week or two where it was
constant talking about it. Constant crying. And then, for whatever reason, we seemed to go back to the
UT
normalcy of our relationship while still going to therapy. However, since this incident, I e noticed him
drinking more, either just with friends or with me in a group. He never drank excessively before. I know
that he must be trying to forget about the pain and want to be happy, if only for that night, but more
recently when he’s been drunk with me (I’ve become sober since) he has acted out in a very hurtful way.
Saying things that are out of character, reminding me that I hurt him, so I have no ground to stand on,
almost pretending I’m not there some of the time. Mind you, before this happened he was the most
loving, emotionally sound, complete gentleman I’ve ever met in my life. So to see this is heartbreaking.
New years eve was the worst… I cried through the ball drop, he said it was my own fault I was upset, and
then he finally admitted that his therapist suggest we spend time apart. This broke me. The next day he
decided that he needed to stop drinking for the time being, because it’s not only hurting the situation, but
its setting us back in the process… We also decided that instead of spending a few weeks completely
apart, we’d compromise and make definite changes to our every day life… Not spending free time
together, not talking throughout the day while we’re at work, etc. It seemed like the most reasonable less
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awhile better services
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with. 
Today was the first day of this “change”. He wanted to celebrate my birthday and have us end the
weekend on a good note. He showed me true regret for his actions this weekend, butGET
today, I am soLOGIN
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scared. I made his coffee this morning and said bye to him, no hug, no I love you, no texts during the day.
I’m so anxious and scared. I want to know if this is something that is going to benefit us. I’m afraid that
after this process, returning to our “normal” relationship will be foreign. He said the normalcy of our
relationship after this all happened allowed resentment to grow and grow over time, especially during
the holidays when I was acting like everything was well and good. I clearly don’t think he should be over
GET
it already but I always think the worst.
Does
HELP anyone have any insight on giving space to someone that is hurting while living with them?? I see
my therapist tomorrow, but I’ve had an ache in my gut all day. Thank you so much.
LEAR
Reply
FOR david
PROF
hi my name is david
and im so desperate right now. about 5 months ago i met this amazing woman. she just makes me super
ESSI
happy and i cant stop spending time with her or being with her. and its just amazing ive never been so
happy before. but i messed up at the beginning of the relationship. and i cheated on her. at the time i was
ONA
being stupid and i thought i could do anything. and i never wanted to hurt her i never do. but the other
girlLS
who means nothing to me is talking to the girl i love and telling her and telling her other stuff thats
not true. and i look like a liar and a cheater. and this girl i love, shes lost trust in me. and she is slowly
pushing
ABO away. and i dont want to lose her im trying so hard but i dont know what to do. please how can i
help fix this
what
UT can i do to fix this before its too late!? please
Reply
nicole
Hello, I have been in a relationship for five years with a man who has been my best friend for over a
decade. We’ve had our share of problems. Last night I had to go into work at 4am and I wanted him to lay
with my until i fell asleep. I literally do anything and everything for this man but he would not lay with
me. He was on alprazalam (xanex) and nodding out on the couch instead. He tried to lie and tell me he
didn’t want to lay down because of his night terrors yet he’s ok with falling asleep on the couch? I’m just
very confused about how perceives our relationship. We have a five year old daughter and I don’t want to
be with anyone else and I don’t want to move me and my daughter out of our home, but I’m not sure how
much of this I can take. Talking with him doesn’t help. please help me
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Brit
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My wife and I have been together for 17 years total, married for the last 8. I am a technology sales rep
GET
that am at the mercy of the companies I work for and in the last 8 years I have worked for 5 companies,
and in that time might have been unemployed for a total of 4 months. We have a 5 and a 3 year old and
HELP
this past November I was notified of my employers intention to dismiss me, I would be paid until the end
of the year and I have already lined up a new position. The stress and uncertainty of employment and
LEAR
household finances has made the past 10 weeks very difficult, I recently discovered thru the our cell
phone carriers family plan of late night texting and phone calls to her boyfriend from college. Her
N
Emotional Affair has all but destroyed me and when I confronted her on 1/1/2015 by asking her who she
would
FOR be talking to at 2AM in the morning for 2 hours, her reply “a Friend” I picked up the car keys and
went for a drive. I returned an hour later simply because it was 10PM on New Years Day and I couldn’t
find
PROFa place to go. After confronting her she and her ‘friend’ moved to email and then to a Smartphone
testing app. As I work with technology solutions it didnt take me long to confront her with this additional
info.
ESSII told her I loved and I would want to work through what we care going thru, but need to know if she
even wants to. She says she loves me and I am her best friend but to be betrayed and treated as I have
been
ONAis truly breaking my heart. Eye contact, a hug or my simply wanting to be near her seems to
frustrate her. I feel even though I am her husband I am the other man in her relationship. I find myself
sobbing
LS when I am driving alone in the car, having no idea where to begin in attempting to rebuild our
relationship. I have begun researching Marriage and Relationship Counseling in our area, and she says
she
ABOwill go. I have realized that the feelings of being unappreciated and lonely is probably how she has
felt over the years with the focus of our lives being on our children. I have asked her to consider stop
corresponding
UT with her Ex but as I have decided not to use my skills to track her for my own sanity I am
not sure if she has. I walked by the Valentines day cards at the store recently and imagined her sending
one to him. I now feel un appreciated, alone, unwanted unloved and betrayed and yet I still love her and
though she doesnt believe me, I tell her the easiest part of moving on his forgiving her, but that we need
help if we truly want to get thru this. I must add that I also feel anger at her Ex who has been through
something similar in his life and has 2 children of his own. I find it selfish on his part to pursue my wife
knowing how conflicted and hurt she is, he knows from my lone text asking for him to give us space and
his knowledge of how this situation can affect children caught up in it.
I dont know when I will get to my/our first counseling session but just feel that doing nothing is the
wrong thing to do, but doing something will end up not being right. I have been ducking calls from my
siblings and friends as they will ask me how I am doing and not good is not what I want to tell them,in
case tings do turn around I don’t want them looking differently towards my wife if they knew what pain
she caused me. I guess this is a good forum to atleast share and talk of what I am going though.
Thanks
Reply
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Hi Brit,
GET
I’m sorry to read of your heartache. I could feel your sadness and dismay when I read it. I, too, had
HELPwhat I perceived to be a betrayal from my husband last July when I saw on his phone him becoming
friends with a woman in Romania through Skype texting. It broke my heart and my trust and I still
LEARstruggle to regain his trust. I just wanted to let you know you have support and I hope things are
getting better for you.

N
Reply
FOR
PROF Ryan
HiESSI
im only 18 I know I’m young, but 3 years ago I met this amazing girl. We started dating and lasted 3
years and our families even met and spent time together and loved each other. We also went on
ONA
vacations with both our families and just in all we were very very close. However Shes going through a
phase where she feels she needs to find herself which I completely understand. Turned out to be her
LS
leaving me and going to another guy 2 weeks later. But we still talk on and off and she still loves me but
doesn’t want to leave the guy she’s with. =/ I’m so confused and if she decided to leave him and come
ABO
back, I have such strong feelings for her but I don’t know if I should take her back. I want to but after what
she’s done I don’t know. Am I being to stuck up? Should I just forgive and forget?
UT
Thank you.
Reply
Jen
Hi there,
I am 25 years old I was with my boyfriend for quite sometime we lived together. Everytime we would
argue he would threaten to leave, so he did one other time and I went to my ex boyfriend for someone to
talk to. I lied about it twice and he just moved out, he at first said we were done forever, but the other day
told my sister maybe after a month apart I might realize what I had an not jeopardize it again. He also
asked me to hold on to concert tickets I got him because he wants to go he just wants to see how things
play out. I had been texting him now I am not going to. Do I still have a chance? I don’t know what to do.
Reply
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Carol
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SELECT A STATE
I’m in love with my best friend and my best friend is in love with me, but we are afraid of being together
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because it may change our closeness. Any suggestions?
Reply
HELP
LEAR
Gigi
N
This
FOR article really speaks to me. I am currently attending marital counseling with my husband and partner
of 30 years. We have been seeing a therapist for 10 months. I feel like we haven’t been able to
communicate
PROF well.I am disappointed he still cannot talk with me about what led to his intimate actions
with other women so we can learn how to deal with stressors, etc. to move forward. Trust cannot be
mended
ESSI by him saying he will never do the things he did again, especially when he has already been
caught and it brought us to counseling. Am I being unreasonable to want the steps outlined in your article
toONA
be articulated by our therapist? It seems to me I keep asking my spouse for the talking and he turns the
session around to another subject that ends up hurting me and I feel the therapist doesn’t see this.
LS
Reply
ABO
UT
michaela
I need some help. Im going through something like this with my boyfriend. We had been together 9
months and things weren’t always perfect but I was so in love with him. I never felt anything like it. Well
we broke up because he was in a really hard spot and wasn’t able to give me much attention and he felt
guilty. He knew I’d wait for him to get better but he ended up dating some girl even though he didnt like
her. This crushed me of course and I was miserable all summer. He ended up dumping the girl and texting
me to meet up and talk. And we did and he told me his heart wasnt in the relationship with her and he
made a bunch of stupid decisions but he loves me so much and hes so sorry and he was a huge mess and
told me he had been for a long time. And he said he didnt blame me if I never wanted to talk to him
again. But he meant what he was saying and weve been back together for about 5 months and ive had
some uneasy feelings. On and off and I figured that its because I have my guard up and because he hurt
me. I love him and I want to feel better and just be happy again but I feel guilty because something
doesnt feel right and I cant figure it out. Im unsure of what to do andit is making me crazy. Please help
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michaela
®

Add*** I also have depression :(
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Reply
HELP
michaela
LEAR
Sorry
N for the separate comments but I keep thinking. I have been told to maybe take a break and talk to a
therapist. But ill also feel guilty if I still cant fix whatever im feeling. I dont want to have it end and then
face
FORthe same thing that he did …Because i doubt hed get back together a 3rd time because he is a
sensitive guy and doesn’t want either of us to hurt again. I dont want to ruin a good thing but I also dont
want
PROFto be unfair. I dont want to always regret what I could have had. Ive been so upset for 3 days
because im going crazy and im nervous about what will happen if I talk to him. I dont know what to do.
ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS
ABOThank you for your comments, Michaela. If you would like to consult with a mental health
professional, please feel free to return to our homepage,

UThttps://www.goodtherapy.org/
, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a
counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can
make an advanced search by clicking here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html
Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet
your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists
themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist.
We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone
number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.
Warm regards,
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michaela ®
Thank you!!
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Ashley
HELP
Hi my name is Ashley I know I may be only sixteen right now except I have been in four relationships so
LEAR
far and right now I am in my fifth relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now. I know it sounds
weird
N that I am sixteen and so young but if you have ever gotten that feeling like he’s the one and you
just feel so comfortable around him you would understand. For me he isn’t like any of my past boyfriends
with
FORhim it is different he just made me feel so much more confident in myself and I felt comfortable
around him even felt more comfortable with PDA with him except I need some advice. I have gone
through
PROF difficult situations of betrayal with him and I lost trust in him then slowly we started in what you
described as falling back in love and regaining that trust. except now I feel like he has betrayed me again
inESSI
the way that he made a promise to me about going on a trip with me for my birthday then right out
from underneath me he tells me oh by the way I can’t come with you because I’m going with my friend on
a ONA
trip instead like he never wanted to go with just promised me that for no reason. I’ve tried talking to
him about it except he just gets mad at me because I get emotional because I’m upset and hurt by it. I
LS know what to do anymore? if you have any advice for me that would be great because I really want
don’t
to be with him and I don’t want to lose him, everything with him feels right except for that
ABO
Reply
UT
Niko
Hi Doctor! Do you offer skype counceling? I like your approach and I really need it at this point. Please
contact me.
Reply
Daniella
Hi , I have been in a relationship for 2 years and in the last 3 months wmy gf and I switched to an open
relationship
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relationship so she decided to close the open relationship, now idk what to think. Is she LISTEDto beLOGIN
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happy in a monogamous relationship.? Where does this other girl stand ? And how can I begin to forgive
her for being emotionally attached to someone else ?
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Gigi
HELP
DrDeb,
LEAR
Yes, please address this issue of emotional intimacy with someone outside of our relationships with our
partners.
N I also am interested in how to move through counseling by addressing this with my husband.
Reply
FOR
PROF
Elizabeth
ESSI 18th, 2015 at 9:33 PM
January
My husband and I have been together a total of 17 yrs he has pushed me away for 15 yrs. I have begged
ONA
him for his attention for years. He always changes for a couple of weeks then goes back, in the pass he
has cheated. He hasn’t cheated me again. i know he wouldn’t do it again but has betrayed me and
LS
disrespected me in front of family and friends . I’m now at a point that my feelings for him are not the
same and my affection and attraction is not there. We have two children 16 and a 6 yr old . He recently
ABO
started to try again but my love is not there. He is a good provider goes to church, and he is a good
father. He struggles on been a husband . We have been verbal abuse. I don’t know what to do anymore.
UT
I’m lost and confused. I’m trying to get the feelings back? What do I do? We have taken some counseling
and have tried everything
Reply
Sam
Hi,
I’ve been with my partner for just a year now. But before we started dating I was originally in a
relationship with another man. I dated this man with the intent of moving on because my partner, then
friend, rejected me and told me to move on because he didn’t share the same sentiments. But during the
time I dated my ex. He realised she did like me. I had a serious relationship with the man but we
GoodTherapy uses
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I dated this man and
found it disgusting that I slept with my ex To the point where hed find me sickening and he would cry A
found it disgusting that I slept with my ex. To the point where hed find me sickening and he would cry. A
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year from then I thought he’s moved forward but he then got back to the topic of my ex and continued to
®
be upset. I thought we moved on from this.
A week ago we had a fight that turned really messy resulting in him breaking up with me. I was upset that
he FIND
wentTELEHEALTH SELECT
out with his friend who treated me really A STATE
badly a few years ago. This friend also confessed to him
before that she liked him. My partner has told me that it is not his problem that I don’t like his friend and
GET
he would hang out with her whenever he wants to. Am I wrong to be upset about this? I can’t find myself
to accept him seeing this friend and it hurts me all the time. His friend has emotionally abused me and I
HELP
don’t understand why my partner can’t consider this.
Reply
LEAR
kanzwn
FOR
Hello! I met a guy you loved me from last 5 years but told me last year . He loved me though was a hot
PROF
tmepered peron but really loved me a lot .we stopped meeting each other because my family is so
against
ESSI of him and their arent allowing me to meet that guy or to go out of thw house alone . I daily
promise him to meet n so we cudnt . Now he is really angry n says to end up our relation and rather be
friends.
ONA What should I do my parents are against him I cant live widout him n now he is moving away frm
me . Help me plzzzzz n I really need this man in my life as I havent seen a love of a father as he left me .
Then
LS my brother died too n now thia person whom I want in my lyf to stay wid me I dont want him to
loose . plz tell me how do I get my parents understand this and how can I make that guy believe that I do
love
ABOhim a lot n reallyy wont hurt him aftr . I want his trust back as well n his love as well .
Reply
UT
Stephanie
January 23rd, 2015 at 11:38 AM
I have been in a relationship that operates like a marriage for 6 years w/my boyfriend. Together we have
one 5yr old daughter. I have struggled to have an emotional connection with him for a long time, possibly
years. We first connected over commonly wanting to party and have sex, but since our daughter came
into our lives that connection has faded I am assuming due to parenthood. Also, he has treated me as
more of a worker always reminding me that I have to earn my keep like a stay at home should yet at the
same time he comments on how easy I have it. I do not feel appreciated and basically he feels entitled to
this because he is the sole provider.Intimacy has become a chore for me as my desire has not been for
him for a long time. Although it was very out of character for me I recently cheated on him with another
man who makes me feel happy and wanted. This affair has gone on for 3 months and although we have
tried to break it off we keep failing to stay out of contact. I am struggling with whether or not I should
stay with my daughter’s father for our child and for financial security. Being with my daughter’s father
would mean simply coexisting in a loveless relationship but being financially secure.GET
Being with theLOGIN
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man would mean being happy and in love, but struggling financially and breaking my daughter from a
family unit with her father. If I left would it be unfair to my daughter? Is it better to be unhappy and rich or
happy and poor?
Reply
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HELP
Alex
LEARJanuary 27th, 2015 at 10:05 PM
We live in an age where we are not content with settling. When we are not happy or satisfied we
Nseek it in whatever form we can find. Financial security is not enough to make you stay with
someone your not in love with. You will be hurting the whole time.we all have the right to pursue
FORhappiness. It may be a struggle at first but if you are strong you will make it. You cannot respect the
top until you have felt the bottom. And you say you have a man you love and a man that loves you
PROFthan he is going to be there to support you in anyway he can until you find your stride again. Even if
there was not another man in the picture I still believe Money or lack there of is not a reason to stay
ESSIwith a man who doesn’t love and respect you like he should. Life is too short too settle.just make
sure this is what you want because once you do there is no turning back and make sure he is the
ONAman you love. You never leave the one you love for the one you like.
Reply
LS
ABO
Reba
UT 26th, 2015 at 1:57 PM
January
After years of arguments and not being heard, belittled, berated, and just made to feel worthless by my
husband I packed the kids up and moved across the country and filed for divorce. Then I meant a man at
church who has become one of my dearest friends. In my state of distrust for men I put up many walls,
and my friend has broke them down one by one with his patience and willingness to just listen and not
become defensive. He makes me feel like I am worthy and treasured. However, I still mourn the loss of
my marriage, and what I SHOULD have had. My ex-husband had severe PTSD from his abusive childhood
and then our current wars. It saddened me that I was so beaten down by his anger and I couldn’t be
supportive or help him. I realized that I couldn’t help him, because he didn’t want help. It saddens me that
our children have a father who wants to be around them, but can’t stand to be around them when they
are near. I know that trust and love can be rebuilt, and at one time I wished that my story would’ve been a
success story.
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February 11th, 2015 at 4:45 AM
®
Hello Elena, I applause for what you done. I am so unhappy with my marriage and in the plans of
leaving once I return from a job. I been down this road before with my first marriage. I also have put
up barrel and I am a very strong lady that I know going through the process will hurt but, staying
GEThere is hurting more. My husband is a cheater after, I had twins it continue and I know that I care for
him but down deep inside I hate him.
HELP
Reply
LEAR
DrDeb
N
February 12th, 2015 at 6:27 PM
HiFOR
All
I’ve been out of touch for over a month — waaaay too many computer problems. Anyway, new computer,
so hopefully, I’m good to check in here every so often.
PROF
Gigi – you asked about emotional intimacy outside of marriage. w/o details I can’t say much other than
ESSI
that it usually leads to big trouble. If the person you’re married to is not able to be intimate, it’s time for
counseling, IMO.
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO DrDeb
Yes,UTNiko, I do offer Skype counseling.
Reply
val
April 26th, 2015 at 12:45 AM
Hello dr.
Do you charge for skype treatment?
I am inneed of it badly.
I suffer from ptsd,excessive worring stress and others.
I just like these others have a hard story but i would really like to talk to you on skype about this
sometime.
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Melanie in California
®
Dear Dr.TELEHEALTH
FIND Deb, SELECT A STATE
I am in need of some advise, desperately. I am a 31 year old woman starting to talk to a woman whom I
am extremely fond of. We both have feillings for one another. We have shared our heart breaks and our
GET
dislikes such as the detest for liars.

In the beginning of our relationship (only being 2 weeks into with stron soul mate compatibility) I told a
HELP
lie, she wanted to meet me the next day after conversing with her for the second time. I didn’t want to
LEAR
because I wanted to lose 10lbs. (I know) she continued to request that we meet.
In my frustration of her asking over and over I said I had a wedding to go to in two weeks. That was a lie
N myself some time. Yesterday, we had a falling out but we resolved things at which time she asked
to buy
what time was the wedding. At this point I did not want to insult her intelligence or continue to tell a lie
FOR
because I want this to work.. I took the opportunity to tell her I did lie about that.
She completely closed down and said she was taking the time out of her life for me because she thought I
PROF
was different; Completly Honest!! Now she has shut down and has said it can NEVER be the same.
She cried a few tears as did I because I believe we wanted this to work out. She is extremely intelligent
ESSI
and is currently earning her Masters in Psycology. I will admit she is much more Cultured and obtains a
greater intelligence than I posess.
ONA
She said she was going to give me a chance to which I jumped at thee opportunity….
Now,
LS
after apologies and finally making a date to meet (we haven’t met yet by the way but I feel she is
someone I always have wanted) and trying everything to make it right she CONTINUES TO SAY I DONT
GET
ABOIT.
INSAY IM SORRY,I TELL HER I WILL PROVE HER WRONG ABOUT ME, I WILL SET ASIDE MY INSECURITIES
AND
UTMEET HER, I CONTINUE TO TRY TO PLEASE HER…
AND STILL SHE SAYS I DONT GET IT, SHE SAYS IM NOT UNDERSTANDING! I’m trying to continue
toconverse as we did but she says I AM ONLY THINKING ABOUT MY FEILLINGS AND IM NOT GETTING IT.
I also want to add I have had trust issues in the past to which I am letting heal because of my eagerness
to make this work. I also haven’t been in a serious relationship for 5years and I have been told I’m not
getting the point or that I’m manipulative and I dint see it….
Please help me understand what she means by I AM NOT GETTING IT. WHAT AMINNOT GETTING? What
do I have to acknowledge in order for me to understand how she expects me to say or do or act. as of
now everything I say she says she doesn’t want to talk until I get it.
HELP, I REALLY AM TRYING. THIS WOMAN IS OF STRONG CHARACTER AND FREE AS A BIRD BUT I FEEL
SOME HOW SHE PERCIEVES ME AS CAGED..
I JUST NEED SONE WELL NEEDED ADVICE.

Thank You for your time,
Melanie
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Reply
®
Melanie

GET
Or have I become so lost, jaded, tarnished and hurt that my mind will not allow me to feel truth. I
don’t know ……
HELP
Reply
LEAR
N
DrDeb
FOR February 18th, 2015 at 7:26 PM
Hi Melanie,
IPROF
see you are in great pain. The lie itself is the tip of the iceberg. A person cannot “set aside their
insecurities.” Insecurities become part of a person’s very identity and that in turn governs their choices.
Somewhere
ESSI along the line, you were given toxic messages about who you are. Parents don’t do this
because they are mean (although some may be mean) but because of their own poor upbringing. But
these
ONA messages must come out. And the only way I know of to change them is trauma-based therapy such
as I practice. Toxic messages are verbal abuse and verbal abuse is traumatic. All the research bears me
out.LSThis, I am guessing, is the “it” that this woman thinks you are not getting. This is why she sees you as
stuck in a cage. It seems to me that you have to take care of yourself right now. Please start therapy —
and
ABOinterview them carefully to be sure they are kind and highly skilled. Both assets are necessary. I don’t
have specific advice for your friend, but maybe if you start therapy, it will give her reassurance that things
canUT
be better.
Reply
Melanie
I sincerely thank you.
I have been working on this with daily affirmations, meditation and self-soul care.
I do also agree with you, I should get some therapy because I refuse to be stuck like this forever. I
eventually want to get married and want to be a healthy individual as well as a spouse.
Thank You
Reply
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®
PLEASE READ: I met my son’s father when I was in high school he was 2 years younger he was the perfect
FINDmen
gentle TELEHEALTH
we were inseparable we had loveSELECT
like theAmovies.
STATE After a year things changed slowly. He
would break up with me frequently out of nowhere but eventually he’d always ask for me back always
GET
knowing I will. I would say he’s left me a total of 15 or more times within our 10 year relationship. He
would tell me I had no personality no ambition in life there was always something he wanted me to
HELP
change that didn’t make any sense to me …just excuses I actually remember asking him if I’ll ever be
good enough for him he said no. I loved him with everything I had and would do anything for him. This
LEAR
took my self esteem to the ground always thinking something was wrong with me. I feel like every time
he left me I had a wall build around me that just got bigger and bigger. He is very judgmental and critical
N
on top of it I feel like he only knew how to put me down. It would blow me away when I rarely heard him
say anything positive towards me. Fast forward all this behavior just builds up and I get to the point
FOR
where I can’t even share my feelings with him because I feel like I’m going to be criticized and rejected
once again.This was a major problem because Im afraid to communicate my feelings and I feel guilty for
PROF
that thinking maybe if I did he would try to make a change. I’m emotionally drained and exhausted I feel
like I’ve had the life sucked out of me. I’ll I wanted was to feel loved and wanted from him but I’ll I ever
ESSI
get is rejection and feeling worthless but still I go back for me which I’ll never understand. It’s miserable
spending everyday of a relationship already knowing he’s going to leave and having a countdown in my
ONA
head because it happens every single time. Anyways we had a beautiful baby 2 years ago unplanned he
wanted me to move in and I agreed. However as much as I wanted to so we could be a family I physically
LS
and emotionally could not do it. I think apart of.me was scared that I would move in with my child and he
would eventually break up with me and I don’t think I could bare that. I kept saying I would but I just
ABO
couldn’t it didn’t feel right it was like I needed him to prove he loved me and wouldn’t leave but at the
time I didn’t realize that and even if I did I wouldn’t be able to tell him that. He eventually left me because
UT
I didn’t move in I felt so guilty like everything was my fault. Of course we got back together but he left me
another 2 times after. We have been broken up for 2 years but still sleep together from time to time and I
know he wants to be back together with me which makes it hard for me to move on I feel guilty like I
need to keep my family together. Every time I try to move on I can’t and end up talking to him but in the
back of my mind I don’t know how it will ever work since I have massive walls up due to our past that I
feel like are impossible to break down. It’s like I think he’s magically going to change one day into the
perfect gentlemen I first met and we’ll be a happy family like I’ve always wanted. This is driving me
physically and emotionally crazy I don’t know what to do for some reason my biggest fear is hurting him
even though he’s hurt me a million times. My life is at a stagnant and it depresses me because everyone
around me is in a serious relationship or married and I’m always stuck in the same place. Everywhere I go
I’m with couples and i can barely handle it and a few times i have ended up crying if I drink. It’s just
getting worse I know something needs to change I just don’t know what the right decision is…I’m afraid if
I leave for good I’ll be making a mistake and feel guilty for not keeping our family together…just very
confused. ..
Reply
eply
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Nadine
®
FIND TELEHEALTH
February 26th, 2015 at 4:13 AM SELECT A STATE
I love my husband with all my heart, I love my kids and my family and I believe, when there are kids, a
GET
marriage is worth saving.
My husband has blocked me out of his heart and his heart is somewhere else now. It’s a long story. A
HELP
complicated story. From his point of view I betrayed him and from my point of view he betrayed me and
the children.
LEAR
He is very clear that he cannot be with me anymore, he can’t find his feelings towards me ( however,
when
N asked if there was a way to find them would he want to find them he said he would but he did not
believe it was possible anymore).
So,
FORhere I am, still praying and hoping to find a way to help him open his heart and let me in…but it seems
to be blocked by all the hurt and suffering and he does not believe he can love me again. I felt hurt and
betrayed
PROF but I did not want to fall out of love…I kept thinking positive thoughts about him….
What can I do, how can he find a way to clear the emotional block he has inside his heart towards me?
ESSInot desperate I I used to be) but I want my children to have a complete family and we operate well
I am
together…and there is Love, lots of love from my side…
ONA
But is Love enough? Especially when it’s broken in half?
Reply
LS
ABO
Lauren
UTFebruary 28th, 2015 at 6:22 AM
I’m in the same boat as you exactly I don’t know what else to do I love him he don’t love me we
have two kids together he doesn’t feel he will ever love me again like he used to have you found
anything that helped you if so please let me know!!!
Reply
jessica
March 17th, 2015 at 4:47 PM
hi Nadine,
as I read ur story I felt it wAs me writing it. I am going exactly through the same situation and feel so
lost and confused. At times I really feel like deep down he still loves me and I want to fight to save
our uses
GoodTherapy familycookies
and at times I feel like letting
to personalize content him go.ads
and Have
to you tried better
provide mariage counseling
services ? users and to
for our 
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March
FIND 26th, 2015 at 8:50 PM
I’m also in the same exact boat. My husband’s heart is with someone else. I don’t think love is
GETenough. There is so much that go into a marriage. I don’t want to provide a bad example to our only
child by staying in the marriage. Then we are all miserable and I’m afraid he’ll resent me in years to
HELPcome. I don’t know what to do. But only God knows what is best.
Reply
LEAR
N
amanda
FOR 4th, 2015 at 11:40 AM
March
I am 32 years old I accepTed a friend request from an ex on face book and lie about who it was and what
PROF
the conversation was about he’s now convinced I’ve cheated and am still lieing, i would never do cheat
he’s the love of my life when this happened I was have alot of negative self image problems it made me
ESSI
feel good because I knew he could see how I looked I don’t know how to fix the mess I’ve caused I’ve
tried saying all that happened only to be told I’m lieing i even called the guy while my husband listened
ONA
but t because I didn’t say exactly what he told me to say he’s convinced I will never be truthful it hurts I
know i caused the problem I need advice please I’m not a bad person I’ve made some dumb choices .
LS
Thank u
Reply
ABO
UT
dave
So confused!
Ive been separated for over 2 years, and have been divorced for about 8 months. We were together for 15
years, and things took a turn for the worse about 5 years before the end. My ex got mixed up with
prescription drugs. As a result, lied and deceived me over the last 5 years.
I feel like ive moved on and have met an incredible woman and i really care for her deeply.
I just wonder if im being honest with myself and her about where i am emotionally. I still feel hurt and
betrayed by my ex and sometimes i still cry about it or feel down about it. It only happens once in a
while, like when i hear a song that reminds me of her.
I really am happy with my newfound love interest, but i sometimes feel like theres an emotional block
preventing me from having deeper feelings for her. Is this a normal thing? Am i just afraid of being hurt?
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april
®
FIND
April 1st,TELEHEALTH
2015 at 3:36 PM SELECT A STATE
Hello,
GET
I’ve been in a relationship for 7 years now, my boyfriend used to be very abusive and I didn’t know how to
leave him. So I looked for an outlet which was going into little dating sites just fooling around at first but
HELPgot to the point where things got a little too serious… did I feel bad? Duh, but I Needed Someone To
then
Be there to complain to which I did. One day my boyfriend checked my phone and caught me… I don’t
LEAR him for getting mad. But it’s been 2 years now and he brings this up everyday, yes I get it I hurt you
blame
I’m sorry but to bring it up everyday? What is your opinion about this how can we save this relationship?
N
Is it even saveable? I remind him every day of the good things and good will always overpower the bad..
this is the 1 thing I ever done that was bad… for him, now that’s a whOle other story. I just want to find a
FOR
way to rekindle this relationship.
Reply
PROF
ESSI
Light
ONA
April 5th, 2015 at 7:48 AM
Hello.
LS
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 months now but we have some issues. I know him very
well and one of his traits is how possessive he is of me. Also he doesn’t easily forgive when hurt. I made a
ABO
mistake months ago when we had just started dating but he hasn’t forgiven me since. I described another
guy as beautiful and he got jealous and felt betrayed. Honestly, when I said it I didn’t think it would hurt
UT
him but it has been a problem ever since. He tries to ignore it because he loves me but each time he
wants to tell me that I’m beautiful it all comes back to him and he gets very angry with me. What can I do
to make him forgive me? Please help.
Reply
jessica
April 15th, 2015 at 9:38 AM
please help
I have been married for 14 years, the first two was bliss, I was attentive always wanted sex it was
awesome. Then I was hurt and in pain and our sex life suffered but my wife tried everything to have sex
with me but I wasn’t having it. I was distant, angry, i ignored her i actively pushed her away and made her
feel irrelevant to personalize
for 12 years off and on. i content andatads
have yelled her to
forprovide better
years, did services
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to her our users
years and to
she 
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me to talk By continuing
her about my feelingstoand
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this site you
i just consent
showed to our
angry. cookies.
I love this woman with
my soul and I am broken up about her. She recently said she had enough of my emotional abuse and she
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wanted out of our marriage without getting a divorce because we have children. She said she opens up
and I close off and hurt her again and she wants out, she does not want to be intimate ever, ever again
and she doesn’t want a relationship with me in the future. Although she says she finds me attractive she
FIND
cant TELEHEALTH
open up, her heart to have sex with me , SELECT
she justAcant.
STATENow has started dating and she even went as
far as to tell another she wanted to have sex nothing else. She keeps saying we are not a good fit, that I
GET
should go and find someone else. We live together, so I try to listen when she comes back from dates I
try to listen to t\her date or sexual encounter, should I be doing that? I REALLY Love this woman, I will do
HELP
everything for her and I can’t throw in the towel What should I do?
Reply
LEAR
DrDeb
FOR
April 15th, 2015 at 10:07 AM
Hi Jessica
PROF
What you did for 12 years — abuse your wife verbally and emotionally — it is good that you are now
honest about it but the most important thing you can do for yourself, her, and your children is get therapy
ESSI
to make the changes you need. Don’t for a minute think that these changes are just a matter of “attitude.”
There is a reason why you were hurt and cold all this time. You need to understand your feelings so that
ONA
you can both honor them (ie, not sweep them under the rug) and deal with them in a healthy way. Next,
you need to learn good coping mechanisms when bad feelings come up. Then you need to learn where all
LS
this is from and make the distinction between whatever happened to you growing up and your wife’s
Nothing less will do it. No amount of “anger management” will address these basic issues. Good luck.
ABO
Reply
UT
Jessica
April 15th, 2015 at 10:28 AM
Dear Dr. Deb, I am now in therapy and dealing with my issues, should I let my wife go? We are and she
wants us to continue to live together, further she wants us to buy a house together, and we will vacation
together. What should I do every time she goes out, my heart breaks. Should I continue to work on our
relationship and eventually she will come back or should I move on?
Reply
DrDeb
April 15th, 2015 at 2:07 PM
Great, Jessica! That’s good you are in therapy. So what does your therapist think? A big part of therapy,
maybe the biggest according to research spanning over 20 years, is the relationship GET
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the therapist.
LOGINSo
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it’s important to trust his/her judgment — or their feeling that they do not want to input their opinion.
Maybe your therapist is signaling that you should go with your heart. If your heart is broken, maybe you
need to take action on that.
Reply
GET
HELP Niyah
April 18th, 2015 at 10:42 AM
LEAR
I was married for ten years before learning that my spouse had been having an affair for 2 of those years.
It tore me apart! We separated for 2 and a half years and during that time I did what I needed to rebuild
N
my life and self-esteem. I became happy again! Now, after some counseling, we are trying to rebuild our
marriage, BUT, I have EXTREME ANXIETY. I have been experiencing panic attacks, shakes, and negative
FOR
thoughts that won’t go away. My spouse is trying to be patient, but I still don’t think he really gets the
emotional toll his affair had on me, even though it was several years ago. I am in therapy and have been
PROF
told that my anxiety is because I am face to face again with the person that caused me trauma. I fear that
if ESSI
this anxiety continues, I will never have the chance to try to rebuild my marriage because at this point,
all I feel is fear. We have two young daughters and so the thought of divorce also causes me great
anxiety.
ONA Can anyone else relate? If so, please respond. Thanks!
Reply
LS
ABO
TM
April
UT24th, 2015 at 3:10 PM
I broke up with my boyfriend for 3 years. And when we broke up it was hard. And we became friends
again. I was starting to date another guy and he just played with my emotions.
I had a regret breaking up with my boyfriend at the time because I was receiving attention from someone
else and it was the attention that I was missing from my boyfriend.
So one day after I did his hair. We had sex again and started talking about getting back together. And i
was getting some things off the laptop that I gave to him. And i saw a video of him with another guy. And
seriously my heart dropped into my stomach. And he has been doing this for years.
What makes it worse is that from talking to him, there are no signs, or anything. He would be the LAST
person you would think.
I just don’t know how to bounce back from this. I feel like I am being punished for this and I really am
having trouble with trusting another guy
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Nenad
May 1st, 2015 at 1:00 AM
®
FINDDrTELEHEALTH
Hello SELECTi’ve
Deb, i’d like to tell you about my problem, A STATE
bin in a long distance relationship for almost 3
years, it had a lot of ups and downs, at one point she started distancing her self from me, with out telling
GET
me why. In jan 3 this year she decided to end our relationship. I was heart broken beyond words. She
stayed in touch with me, but rejected any kind of connection with me. One day we had a short argument. I
HELP
asked is there still a reason for me to be here and keep trying, she told me she has no comment on that.
I said if its that hopeless why doesn’t she say her finally good bye to me.
LEAR
She just sent me bye, nothing more or less and started ignoring me. That hurt way too much, i tried to
contact her on messenger and sent sms, but she didn’t reply to anything, in a moment of pain and hurt i
N
wasn’t thinking i was very hurt and i did something that may be unforgivable, i sent her husband a fb
message, telling him that shes been lying to hem for years. And that she wanted to leave him for me.
FOR
After i realized what i’ve done i closed my fb profile and told her what i had done, she was furious with
me. She told me to delete every thing i have of hers and not to write to her any more.
PROF
I’m sorry i did it, but idk what to do now, a month has past since we stopped talking all together. And i
know she’s ok and that i didn’t create a problem for her. But what do i do now? I’d really like to contact
ESSI
you and tell you more about her and my self and our relationship, can you please help me.
Reply
ONA
LS
sara
ABO
May 5th, 2015 at 4:01 AM
I have
UT been with my guy for 3 years now.and I know that he really loves me.or atleast I know he did.but
ever since he moved to a different city for college.I have been acting very needy which is unlike
me.because I used to act very cool and he used to chase after me.like if he doesn’t reply.then 5 out if ten
times I call and ask why he hasn’t and ugh I know how pathetic that is.I just want to know if you think I
can redeem myself still and make him look at me in a new light? just please be honest with me if it’. Too
late.he hasn’t left me.but . Know this has been a turn off to him for a long-time.so what should I do? Do
you think I can redeem myself or not?
Reply
confused
May 19th, 2015 at 6:28 AM
I have been married for 12 years next week. All but maybe a year of that my husband has been an
alcoholic. He has physically, verbally, and emotionally abused me. Now he is 2 days sober and begging
for forgiveness since he sees I’m ready to leave. I’ve waited our whole marriage for him to get to this
point but he’s waited until I have completely checked out emotionally. I feel like I’ve GET
beenLISTED
so scaredLOGIN
by
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this that I can never truly forgive him and open up to him again. We have two girls ages 5 & 9. For their
sake, I wish it would work but for mine I just want it over. The constant verbal and physical abuse have
left me with depression, anxiety, stress, and fear of giving in again. I feel stupid for staying this long. I
FINDknow
don’t TELEHEALTH
if my feelings can ever come backSELECT
for him.A ISTATE
just want a fresh start for my life. I’m so lost.
Reply
GET
HELP

LEAR
May 19th, 2015 at 9:45 AM
Thank you for your comment, Confused. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be
N
relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at
https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html
FOR
and additional information about what to do in a crisis at
PROF
Warm regards,
ESSIThe GoodTherapy.org Team
Reply
ONA
LS
Ti Galbraith
ABO
July 21st, 2015 at 10:27 AM
I always thought my husband would stay..He never judged me, yelled at me, or did a single thing to
UT
hurt me. I, well I lived in a warped sense of reality where I somehow believed how I was as a person
was normal and ok. That I did love him. I think I actually did and expected the future hurt to come so
much I caused it to. My husband told me he is not in love with me anymore. I feel dead inside and
can only blame my selfish actions and lack of give a shit. When he first left me it pulled such a deep
rooted rug out from under me. I mourned for him begging and crying. Even when he finally gave in…
I knew what he was capable of doing to me and I let that stop me from believing or understanding
he was hurt. I am now forced to move on without him and even though it hurts more than anything
I’ve ever felt..There is a small sense of relief..I no longer have to wait for him to hurt me anymore,
much less see him day in and day out with the knowledge he thinks I’m alot of bad things. I don’t
have to have him pointing telling me how I should do things when I do not trust him either. The pain
will go away in time..And I will inevitably avoid him like the plague unless its to do with our kids
because emotions are not games we play..I deserve this pain as I have given him far more..Because
of how I feel I also believe he is that one..My only love now I just moarn the loss..I began that a few
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Robert
June 2nd, 2015 at 1:50 PM
MyGET
wife and I will be married for 19 years this year. About a year ago now, she had a gastric sleeve done
for health reasons and self esteem reasons. Well, the weight came off and she looks and feels fantastic!
HELP she was heavy I loved her just as much! This was all her idea.)
(When
About six months ago, we had a blow out because of what I perceived as a radical change in her behavior.
LEAR for us as we never really fought before) She was going out to bars with her friends, which was a
(Weird
new thing for us. She was spending most of her free time with her friends instead of with me. I was
N like she was hiding behind them and her phone to keep away from me. So we have a few more
feeling
arguments, and it came out that she has been feeling like this for years. I have been always telling her no
FOR she asks to go out. I have been always telling her no when she wanted to do something with our
when
two kids. I think she came to rely on her friends as way to deal with my rejections. She has her own issues
PROF
in her past, like her parents divorcing when she was a young teen, and she is turning 40 this year. So,
being the idiot that I am, kept blaming her messed up childhood, her friends for taking all of her time, and
ESSI
her for not wanting to spend any time with me, and her for not communicating her fears for so long. It
wasn’t until recently, after my last attempt to make (and change her to suit my needs) her realize these
ONA
things, and assuring her that I wanted to work on our marriage, that she told me that she didn’t know if it
was worth it. Didn’t know if trying so hard all the time was worth it. I was stunned and heart broken. She
LS
is the only woman I have ever wanted to grow old with, and she is telling me that she might not want that
anymore. The pain of that is excruciating! Three days later after much soul searching, and some advice
ABO
from a good friend, I have realized that I am mostly at fault for where we are now. She WAS telling me for
years that I was not paying attention, and not giving her and the kids all of myself. I was ignoring her and
UT
thinking that she just needed to grow up and be a stronger woman! I am so stupid!! I feel so bad for what
I have done to this woman that I truly love and respect! It makes my heart ache that I have done these
things to her! I have since apologized, and asked for her forgiveness, not asking for an answer, just
wanting her to think about it. I have promised to try and change the ways I have become so mired in, and
told her that I realize that these are just words, and that I hope my actions can speak on their own. I have
begun to change my routines, I am trying to bring the romance back, I am trying to change the way I
think, and I have my first counseling session set up for this Friday. I hope that at some pointment she will
want to come with me to these so that we can work on things together. I just hope that I haven’t done so
much damage already that it is has become irreversible! I have treated the one person that I truly admire
like crap for so many years. I am trying to be more attentive, do more around the house, and go out with
her when she wants. I understand that forgiveness will take time. But it still hurts when she sits there on
her phone, or when she goes out for a girls night and seems to not want to spend time with me.
I guess I am looking for advice, and just wanted to express what is happening to me and I found this
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Reply ®

Jodi
GETJune 3rd, 2015 at 9:57 AM
Sounds like she doesn feel safe (her security isn’t a top priority of yours), she doesn’t feel pursued
HELP
(she should be your gem), and she could be depressed. She wants to know she can have fun with
you especially if she is hard working woman during the day. It’s important to schedule in some fun
LEAR
time. Doesn’t have to be lots but it has to be important.
You might be depressed too. Counselling and even medication might be excellent choices. Boosting
N
your energy, increasing your love of yourself and of life, and allowing you to confidently put
someone else’s needs in front of your own are not easy but they are doable. Keep trying. She wants
FOR
you to be happy with your own self and life. She will find that attractive. Then she can be the icing
on your already delicious cake.
PROF
Life can be excruciating and that’s part of the human experience. It should make us more
sympathetic to the plight of others. We all go through hell. We might need help to get through.
ESSI
Keep smiling even when it hurts. There are many of us in similar situations and we’re cheering for
you.
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO DrDeb
UT
Hi Robert,
You are very unusual in that you “get” it. I don’t know how many men can actually admit that. I give you
credit for being able to look at yourself and to admit your errors. There are books you can read, too, to
help. Of course, there is my book, The Healing Is Mutual. Then you can search “controlling” and see what
books come up in Amazon. Good luck to you!!
Reply
Robert
Well, things just got worse. I sent her flowers today to try and start the romantic spark again. That
sent her over the edge. She came home said good night to the kids. And then left for her girlfriends
house. She says she needs space to figure out what she wants. She feels like she is having a break
down trying to pretend that things are ok, and live up to everyone’s expectations of her and how
she should be. I guess she wants to figure out if she even wants this any more. She will be going
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over to her friends after the kids go to bed for the foreseeable future. I don’t know what to do. I
don’t know what to think. I told her that if this is what she needs to do then we will do it. But I also
told her that I will fight tooth and nail to keep our marriage together. But she has to want it too. I
FIND TELEHEALTH
said that we can make it work if she justSELECT
talks toAme,
STATE
but she has to want it. She has to be willing to
forgive me. She has to be willing to step outside of herself and do the hard work. Then she said she
GET
had to go we will talk more tomorrow. I so crushed and heartbroken right now. I don’t know what to
do. I’m just sitting here typing this, and being numb at the same time.
HELP
Reply
LEAR
N DrDeb
June 3rd, 2015 at 9:21 AM
FOR
Robert, there are two missing pieces here: First of all, you have a therapist and I’m wondering what
he/she is saying. Why isn’t that enough? Are you not satisfied? Second of all, your wife is thinking of her
PROF
own pain — and rightfully so — but there is also the possibility of healing together, growing through
this, and coming out stronger as an individual and as a couple. THAT would require couples counseling.
ESSI
Before giving up on the marriage, she should give that a try. She can look at my blog on my own website,
15 reasons not to divorce. Why not send her to see this post and the divorce post?
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO
Robert
UTJune 3rd, 2015 at 11:31 AM
My first session is this friday. As for both of us going, she has to want to go, and she is scared to
death of dealing with her parents divorce. She doesn’t want to be mad at her parents, or hear the
counselor say that they were bad parents. She is used to just keeping things inside, and I think she is
finally full and it’s starting to seep out of the cracks.
Reply
DrDeb
June 3rd, 2015 at 1:52 PM
Hi Robert
It is really important that the counselor be specifically trained in MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY. I believe
this website will help you understand that field. Also the American Association for Marriage & Family
Therapy (aamft.org) has information. Please note that a competent MFT will NEVER say parents were bad,
even if they were abusive. The therapist will say that they didn’t know better and did the best they could
with the tools at their disposal – which is true. Check out this site, my site, drdeb.com,
GETand the aamft.
LISTED Be
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sure to check the credentials of your therapist.
Reply
GET Sara
June 7th, 2015 at 6:21 AM
HELP
I have been with my partner 21 years!
Long story short my husband suffered from sever depression and I stuck with him thru thick and thin. It’s
LEAR
been a tough road and with a child who is 10 years old I came to a point in my life where I felt the last 2
years I have fallen out of love with him . Many disappointments and struggling and putting my whole
N
heart into this relationship I feel I can’t any more . Not searching for love but I fell for someone at my
work
FORplace I kissed him a few times but no more but I told my husband I was leaving him that it wasn’t
because of the other guy . Of course he doesn’t c it this way. I have agreed to try again but can one fall in
love
PROFagain when my heart is with the other guy. Its all so complicated as the other guy had told his wife
also that he’s had enough and thinking of seperating. I know my decision should be based on him as stats
show
ESSI that will complications like this it’s destined for doom. I need help to try and save my marriage
please please I need advice on rekindling the flame with my husband without constantly be diverted by
my heart to the other guy .
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO
Rosemary B
June
UT8th, 2015 at 4:06 AM
Dear Dr Deb
I am at a loss as to what to do – reached that “what is the point” question.
My husband & I married at 19; have 2 beautiful & intelligent daughters who are in their 30’s; married &
have given us 3 gorgeous grandchildren. All our relationships are plagued with distance between us.
Our marriage of 39 years has had good times, but I have constantly felt my husbands disconnection in
both emotional & sexual intimacy. My husband is not comfortable in communicating at any level outside
of day to day life. His choice of comfort is political views & newsworthy discussions. But nothing more. I
have felt that we live together more as roommates than a loving married couple & even that has come to
a close as I have chosen to move into a spare bedroom.
Let me begin my saga: Within 6 years of marriage we left our families & home country & moved south.
My husbands reasoning was better education opportunities for our daughters. Yet my husband chose to
leave all decisions regarding our daughters education up to me.
Within 4 years of arrival I caught my husband sitting in a parked car, kissing a 15 year-old neighbor whose
family we had befriended. It happened a 2nd time & I questioned him. He told me he gave her a lift home
(yet dropped her off at the top of our street – they lived opposite us) & that she kissed
GEThim goodbye
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thank you. He admitted to being shocked the first time it occurred yet on the second time he turned
towards her to accept her kiss. If he was shocked why would he not have mentioned the initial incident to
me? It took me a while to learn to trust either of them again – but I did it.
Many years later our paths crossed again & our mutual friendship resumed. She had married; divorced;
had 2 kids with an older divorcee; enjoyed dating multiple partners & permitted them to stay overnight &
GET
in 2007 she remarried.
HELP
My husband & I worked at our own business together & I realized that he was distancing himself from our
relationship more & more with each passing year. Sexual intimacy all but waned & emotional connection
LEAR
had stopped many years prior. He was very light-hearted around her at each meeting & I could see his
colour rise & the change in his voice & body language towards her whenever we visited. He included her
N
more & more into our lives; helping her whenever possible; wanting her presence in our family
gatherings. He had asked her to join us for lunch on Christmas Day which our daughters were hosting for
FOR
us all at our home. She declined & he called her from our kitchen at 7am to supposedly “wish her &
remind her the invitation was open”. Then added a further 3 calls in for good measure with the last call of
PROF
the day happening immediately our children & their families headed on home.
ESSI
We got together with her on Boxing Day. She had left her 2nd husband & was house-sitting for friends.
We arrived there & during lunch a male friend of hers arrived with his son. Her son was a school friend of
ONA
this youngster. She invited Peter to join our luncheon & I watched as my husband physically shuddered &
a dark cloud came down over his face. His take was that this man had no right to join a group of friends.
WeLS
said our goodbyes late afternoon & Peter remained with our friend. My husband got in behind the
wheel & Peter had walked to his side of the car. My husband asked where his wheel trim was & Peter said
ABO
it’s broken; got it out the trunk & showed my husband. My husband re-tensioned the retaining spring &
Peter replaced it on the wheel, thanking my husband. My husband then walked around to the passenger
UTwhere our mutual friend stood chatting with me. I was sitting in the car & my door was open. D
side
stood between the open door & me. My husband stepped up behind her; spooned into her & hung his
crossed arms across her shoulders leaving them hanging just above her breasts. He put his face into her
neck & told her that he “Really really loves her”. I sat a mere 30cm away. Her eyes met mine & she
lowered hers. My husband walked back to his side of the car, got in & we drove away. I asked him what
that was all about & he complained that Peter had made him feel like an idiot & incapable of being the
good mechanic he is. For goodness sake .. a wheel trim resulted in this?! He told me that Peter had no
rights to joining in our shared meal .. despite the fact that both our mutual friend & I invited him to stay.
We had ample food to share with others. What I saw that day was blatant & intense jealousy on my
husbands part. He was insanely jealous that Peter was going to remain there whilst we left.
In 2012 I took outside work as financial times were tough. I took leave at the end of 2013 & went to work
at my husbands business, doing administration for him when I stumbled across our high mobile phone
bills on a shared contract. I checked over mine, marking who’s numbers I’d called & turned to his;
working back from the previous month. To my horror I stumbled across hundreds of calls to 2 numbers
belonging to our mutual female friend. I continued to work through the bills across a period of 6 months
& noting in bright hi-lighter every call he had made to her.

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My husband was working in his workshop on her step-fathers car which had been brought in for repairs at
the time I made this discovery. We had loaned her our 1 vehicle to her in the interim so that her mother &
step-father could use her car.
I calmly walked through & without anger, accusation or malice, asked him to please explain what was
GET bills were all about. I was so shocked & numb that I couldn’t comprehend what I had stumbled on &
these
desperately wanted clarification.
HELP
My husband looked up a moment; didn’t meet my eyes & then merely continued to work on the car. I
turned
LEAR
& walked back into his office & simply continued to calculate the amount of money & time he’d
spent calling her each day. Calls started at around 6:30am & continued throughout each working day until
8:00pm
N when I would be at a dance-exercise group. On the Saturday’s I worked – he’d be calling her;
accidently meeting up for a milkshake or coffee.
FOR
Eventually my husband walked into the office & put his hands on the back of the chair; leaned towards me
& growled in a cold, hard voice that “He had hated me his whole $*#@%@! life!” He turned & walked out
PROF
& continued to work on this vehicle.
I texted
ESSI
D & asked her to return our vehicle immediately. No courtesies or pleasantries were exchanged. I
was hurt & disillusioned. She arrived a couple of hours later with her 2 teenage kids. I asked them to
leave
ONA the office so we could talk & proceeded to show her these horrendously expensive phone bills
(most of which were touching on SAR800 per month). She calmly responded that “Yes she knows; they’re
veryLSclose friends”. When I said that I (his wife & her friend) had not known about their shared phone
calls, she said that she knew about that too, but stated that “I know your marriage is on the rocks
anyway.”
ABO I told her to leave & never attempt any communication with either of us or our daughters again.
She walked out of the yard of our business premises & through the business complex yard.
MyUT
husband rushed into the office & demanded that I take them home as she couldn’t walk the 4kms. I
told him that I definitely would not do what he demanded of me. So he took the car, picked them up &
gave them a lift home. My husband was very angry that I wouldn’t help her.
A few hours later we left the workshop & came home. My husband did not mention a thing. It was as if my
discovery & his responding attack of his hatred for me had never occurred. I was numb with shock.
The next day we returned her step-fathers car, dropping it off at her place. Peter’s car was parked in her
driveway. My husband handed her the keys & walked away. His face was deeply flushed & his mouth was
pulled into a tense thin line. Not 10 words were shared between them & I didn’t get out of the car other
than to change seats so my husband could drive us home.
My husbands explanation to all of this is that they were “Just friends” & that he wanted a closer
friendship so began calling her in order to build this. He also told me that he “Was putting himself to the
test that he could maintain a close friendship with her whilst I worked”. He also said that he realized late
in 2013 that
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just had to hear her. He became obsessed almost addicted to speaking to her . It turns out that no
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matter what they discussed .. it was no more than what he discussed with his customers,our LOGIN
daughters or
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I worked my way through these bills, going as far back as 2002 when they originally began texting each
FINDLiterally
other. TELEHEALTH
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husband had gone on to a BlackBerry so text
messages weren’t recorded on his bills. But hundreds of calls to her costing in excess of SAR12,000
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unfolded. My husband was equally shocked as he “thought that he was telling me about the calls he made
to her”.
HELP
For 10 months of 2014 we visited marriage counselors & a psychologist trained in the respective fields to
help
LEARus – both lovely good-hearted women who attempted to help us through into healing. We were
asked to write questions which we could work through. My husbands questions were to ask me to give
him N
respect & trust so that we could work at regaining the love in our marriage. He could not understand
that respect is given but trust is earned.
FOR
Initially my husband attempted to use lots of sexual intimacy to help us get over his emotional infidelity;
hot romance oozed out of this man who hadn’t had a romantic moment with me in 37 years. Three
PROF
months after the disclosure, he was on his knee proposing to me & asking that we re-new our wedding
vows & return to the church where we’d married in 1976 to do so. He invited our children. He called his
ESSI
brother & texted his closest cousin in the UK to share the wonderful news with her; giving us all hope. We
were to re-new our vows at the end of October on the very day we said our I Do’s. It never happened. I
ONA
was blamed for not believing that it would happen or for giving him hope. Financial restrains were
blamed. He chose to take us out to dinner at a favourite restaurant .. one I shall never visit again. No
LS
single flower. Not a shared bottle of champagne to toast to our future. Not a hastily written note of love
on a paper napkin. No shared words of encouragement in the car whilst parked at a traffic light. No
ABO
romantic or intimate gesture or special intimate moment shared between the sheets when we got home.
Nothing! Sitting at a table in our garden with every candle lit & blinking invitingly; scattered around our
UT
garden table; sharing a bottle of wine together & a take-out pizza whilst writing our vows & dreams to
each other on a note-pad over ice-cream & hot coffee .. would have been magical. But ignoring what he’d
promised .. was the best he could offer.
My husband chooses to pretend that his emotional affair; disinterest in our commitment to each other or
lack of regular physical intimacy has ever happened drives me insane. He constantly says that “In his
mind he believes that we were intimate” & despite me trying to be on an emotionally intimate path with
him, he hides my concerns under the carpet. The pile of shattered hopes & dreams threatens to trip us at
every turn.
If I raise the subject of why his emotional affair happened, he attempts to validate their relationship using
words like “Just friends” or “It’s only happened with this woman” or “He didn’t know how to stop calling
her”. His response to my asking why he couldn’t make one of those phone calls in front of me is that “He
didn’t have the courage to talk to her in my presence”. Yet he’s asking me to dismiss 11 Years of lies &
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unacceptable! 
I am completely broken. Who knew that within a few years we would be turning 60 and we would be in
such a bad space with no strong & warm bond guiding & carrying us through difficulties
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face as our golden years filter through our veins?
Dr Deb I feel like running away. Simply walking off into the sunrise & never turning back. Leaving
everything & everyone I once loved & heading
FIND TELEHEALTH off intoA the
SELECT unknown with nothing more than the clothes I
STATE
have on my back. I have distanced myself from everyone. I go to work, do what I can & come home. Most
days
GETI’m incapable of a clear or rational thought. I put on a brave face to everyone I meet as I work front-
line reception, but the facade is slipping more speedily with each passing day. I cannot continue living in
such
HELPan emotionally empty space. I have no hopes or dreams for today .. let alone tomorrow. I was once
an avid reader & someone who found such peace in hand knitting or in the simple gift of watering our
LEAR & knowing the relief it brought to our plants. Now I cannot comprehend a single sentence on a
garden
page; haven’t knitted a stitch & have no desire to do so & do not care if the roses all die. I cannot cope
withNanother day unfolding & wish as I lay my head down each evening that I do not need to face the
awakening of a new day.
FOR
I have no respect for my husband & certainly don’t trust him. I doubt that I shall ever learn to trust or
respect this man again. Right now I don’t even like or desire to have this man share a space with me &
PROF
question whether love really does exist.
ESSI conversations inevitably lead to anger, raised voices & that’s not conducive to moving forward. I
Every
constantly feel ill & know that my mind is in dark turmoil. My need of understanding the “whys” of his
ONA
emotional affair with our mutual friend threaten to destroy any hope of reconciliation.
How does one get through this. How does one fall in love again? How does one physically connect with a
LS
man, who chose to take this road, without fear of rejection as has been the norm with him? He believes
his actions show his love, yet I have always questioned myself as to whether he really loves me.
ABO
How does one silence ones mind to the jumbled thoughts which run continuously through my conscious
UT & threaten to drown me?
mind
I don’t know how to move forward & cannot afford further professional assistance.
Kindest regards
Rose B
Reply
DrDeb
June 15th, 2015 at 9:30 AM
Hi Rose,
You have written quite a long letter. Let me comment on one or two things:
“My husband chooses to pretend that his emotional affair; disinterest in our commitment to each other or
lack of regular physical intimacy has ever happened drives me insane” — This is called Gaslighting after a
movie. You can look up a bit of it on my personal blog at drdeb.com in the abuse section.
Your letter comes down to this: Your husband has been emotionally abusive to you for
GETalmost
LISTED4 decades
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and has been cheating for many years. He most likely lied that the cheating was just emotional. I don’t
believe it myself.
What you need to do: 1. leave or divorce making sure your legal and financial rights are preserved; 2.
rebuild your self-esteem, understanding how you were able to keep tolerating abuse for so long so that it
will never happen again; 3. set your sights on a bright future based on a truth-based assessment of others
GET
and your relation to them.
HELP
Reply
LEAR
Jeremy
N
June 16th, 2015 at 4:26 PM
my wife and I were married in May of 2013. In January of the following year stupidly I told my stepsons
FOR
ex-girlfriend that I used to have a crush on her. She told my wife. For 3 weeks I slept on the couch.
Valentine’s
PROF Day we “reconciled”. Our marriage has been rocky ever since. Just the other day she told me
she hasn’t been happy since then and wants to separate. I am an Iraq war vet suffering from PTS and I’m
dealing
ESSI with that on top of this new news. She won’t give me a second chance. What do I do? I’m lost and
I’m dying inside. I’m tired of crying and not eating and being sick to my stomach. I know she has no
intention
ONA of doing marriage counseling and when I said I was going to get on anti depressants and seeing
a professional she didn’t seem to care. I have lost all her trust. I can’t lose her! Please help!
LS
Reply
ABO
UT
confused
June 17th, 2015 at 8:15 AM
Jeremy, I am a wife of a ptsd Iraq veteran myself. From my experience there is a lot more going on at
home since my husband returned from Iraq. So, I’m wondering if that is the case with your situation
also. My husband turned to drinking and abused me physically, verbally, and emotionally. I can say
that we are struggling right now. What I need is for my husband to make the necessary changes and
prove he means them rather than begging and pleading with me for me to love him. If she is in the
same place that I am, she heard the words I’m sorry so much that they mean nothing. Instead she
needs to see positive change in you before she will even entertain the idea of staying.
Reply
Ryan
June 17th, 2015 at 4:38 AM
About 3 months ago my wife told me that she loves me but is no longer in love with me. I found out the
bout 3 o t s ago y e told e t at s e lo es e but s o lo ge lo e t e. ou d out t e
reason was because she never felt heard and ultimately, over time just felt defeated GET
and LISTED LOGIN
didn’t bother
GoodTherapy ®
arguing anymore because there was just no point (which is all true) The 1st month I spent being really sad,
needy and desperate for forgiveness. Although we were getting along ok I couldn’t help these feelings.
We started marriage councilling and I began seeing a life coach. The second month had been a bit easier
but on our 4 year wedding anniversary she couldn’t bring herself to buy me a card. I was gutted and a we
had a few arguments in consecutive days. I said some really nasty stuff that I really regret but she
GET
understands that this is emotionally draining on me. Entering the 3rd month I have been a lot better and
basically
HELP focusing on restoring normality and also putting my new positive life skills to work. Although I
can tell she still is not in love with me, I can see little tiny improvements in our relationship. She seems
more
LEAR open to have a laugh, when I talk about the future it doesn’t seem to have entered her mind that I’m
not in it. I know I have a long long way to go but I truly believe that the longer I am my old positive
consistent
N self there is no reason why she won’t fall in love with me again. Just wanted to share my story
so far. Good luck everyone out there!!!
FOR
Reply
PROF
ESSI
DrDeb
June 17th, 2015 at 5:09 AM
HiONA
Jeremy
You did the right thing to go to a professional. Is it a therapist who specializes in trauma? That is what you
LS Research shows that mindfulness meditation is better than medication (long term) for trauma such
need.
as PTSD. Research also shows that marriages that are strained by the behavior of vets (anger bursts,
ABO
moodiness, etc) are greatly helped by the mindfulness meditation. So I hope this is a skill your therapist
has. It isn’t that your wife didn’t care. It looks to me like she felt YOU didn’t care about her. What was it
likeUT
for her when you were away? The worries? Doing everything herself, w/o you? Part of your therapy
will also be to put yourself in her shoes. That’s compassion. Interestingly, the Eastern culture from which
the mindfulness meditation comes was big on compassion, so that skill will be excellent for your
marriage as well as the trauma. She doesn’t need the marriage counseling, anyway. You need to get
healed and whole yourself and then maybe she will see you have changed.
Reply
Heartbroken and lonely UK

June 17th, 2015 at 8:18 AM
i have been with my partner since i was 15 yrs old (18 yrs GOING INTO 19 YRS) we have also lived together
since that age too. on jan 1st of this year(Our 18th anniversary), my partner came home from work and
told me he
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forever he is my best friend and soul mate and i am utterly devastated by this he tells me i am beautiful
forever, he is my best friend and soul mate, and i am utterly devastated by this. he tells me i am beautiful,
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he loves me above all others in his life, i’m the perfect partner, keep a good home, good in bed, treat him
®
well. he basically has only ever had to think about getting up and going to work, house work done,
clothes cleaned ironed done. shopping done, meals cooked. that’s the way i wanted to be, the way we
have always
FIND been.
there has been infidelity, roughly 7 years ago, we had a almighty row, and he threw me out of our home,
GET
due to facebook inboxes on my end and he was spying through my emails and everything. i’d never done
anything with anyone until id left. it wasn’t even anyone i was speaking with online, just some random
HELP
guy. i think i just wanted attention, after i was out of my home and lonely. he took an overdose and got
very sick, we talked things out and i came home (to our home we are currently buying) we made changes
LEAR
things where good again.
last N
year we had his nan staying with us, i don’t work at the moment due to illness, and his nan raised him
from being a child had terminal cancer and needed care, so i had her here and i cared for her went
through
FOR all the chemo and pain and sadness with her. this was very hard for me as my own nan had
passed 6 months earlier due to an op to remove cancer being a complete success, but incompetent staff
allowing
PROF infection to go to far. but i loved his nan, like my own, i only ever had one nan till i met my
partner. she was a lovely lady who helped and loved me too, i wanted to help. i think i was under the
ESSI
impression i was relieving the pressure from my partner and supporting/helping.i fear i did wrong, she
passed sadly 3 days after my partners birthday just before Christmas 2014, and January 1st he said i no
ONA love you.
longer
i have since found that he was texting women and web chatting with woman the whole time his nan was
LS
here basically dying? since january we are still living in the same house as we co own. i have no friends to
speak of or family i can go to, and as i said i don’t work either. we have tried a few times to get it back,
ABO
but he’s never seemed that comfortable with me and i’ve been very insecure so its made me hold back on
the new me i want to be.
UT
i’ve made huge changes to me! which he has acknowledged, he just says now that he can no longer ever
love me again,but he loves me above everyone else in his life, and im beautiful and the perfect partner.
he says i should find someone who appreciates me, he admits he’s still very much sexually attracted to
me and everything? i’m so confused, not too mention there has been a pregnancy and miscarriage too
since he said i no longer love you, it was his baby. i found when i was miscarrying that he was lying,
pretending to be at work, (he does work 7 days per week and has for over a year, i see the payslips this is
a fact). he has however been going out to shopping malls etc and on meals with new found friends.
i am basically utterly devastated and heartbroken, still living in my own home with the man im still utterly
in love with, (which i am set to lose as i do not work, have no savings and no where to go, he can keep it
due his wage, the mortgage company will not allow me to and he wants all ties severed). i want to keep
the house, he doesn’t, its so unfair. hes very quiet and antisocial, doesn’t like the neighbours etc, i love
them all! and most of my friends don’t want to know me because i was so busy last year putting my home
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and loveduses
onescookies
first. to personalize content and ads to provide better services for our users and to 
i was seeing a counselor but found it of no help at all. i go over it in my head 100% of the time, i cannot
sleep or anything. i’m now going into 6 months. i do not know what to do or where to turn?
GET he doesn’t
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love me? but he does love me? hes attracted to me? we have a beautiful home that’s half way paid for
outright, love, attraction, everything? he says he doesnt want to fix us as he cannot love me in that way
again? and doesn’t want to keep doing this every 5 yrs or so, as next time we will be approaching 40? am
i right to feel confused? i’m loosing my best Friend, soulmate and the love of my life, my home, i’ve no
Friends to speak of, no job? utterly devastated (UK)
GET
Reply
HELP
LEAR
Esther C.
NJune 29th, 2015 at 1:42 PM
Go and get a bible. Sit down and read new testament. Pray to God that your partner will submit his
FORlife to Christ. You must submit your life to Christ. God can heal this and change your partners heart.
Try this.
PROF
Reply
ESSI
ankita
ONA
June 26th, 2015 at 8:01 AM
I and
LS my boyfriend were in relationship from 4 years….. He loved me more than anything…. I too loved
him very much…. Bt last month my own cousin brother seduce me and unluckily I had sex with him…..as I
was
ABOvery much tensed by this.. And my boyfriend recognised this and I told him everything and now he
break up with me… He hates me so much….. I Want to help him out to get out of this situation….. Plz help
UT I love him so much
me……
Reply
DrDeb
June 26th, 2015 at 9:44 AM
Ankita
I am sorry. You have to take responsibility for your own choices. If the man raped you and you were
screaming to make him let you go, then you have the possibility of a police involvement. But if you
willingly allowed it, then you need to ask yourself: How did I let this happen? Before you can explain it to
your boyfriend, you need to explain it to yourself. That is what therapy is for.
Reply
SammO GET LISTED LOGIN
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July 13th, 2015 at 6:40 PM
®
Hi, my girlfriend and i were together for about 5 years, we met in high school and became very close very
quickly. for 3 years everything was going awesome we were so in love seeing eachother all the time and
always doing everything together and hanging out at the same friends house and then we started arguing
about
GET non sense and getting really jelous of eachother when nothing was even happening i sorta decided
i got bored/tired of it and i broke up with her. I was still madly in love with her and after a couple weeks
we got back together, for the next two years we kept doing this cycle of on and off. I started to see her
HELP
less and less and took her for granted as it went on, while she was still madly in love with me and only
wanted
LEAR it to work. I told her i wanted to be friends but we kept having great sex and hanging out.
eventually she got sick of me dissapearing when she needed me and leaving her alone wondering what
im doing.
N she broke up with me 6 weeks ago and it really made me realise how much of a douche i was
and how much i love her. my world is upside down without her now. she told me she wants to be friends
and
FORit was really hard to break up with me but she had to and a part of her still loves me but she doesn’t
feel the same, is it possible without seeing her or talking to her she will change her mind and come back
to me? if not how do i get over her, she was my first love and is my high school sweet heart and i am
PROF
absolutely lost without her. she said she is still always there for me and cares about me but i think shes
ESSI that to make me feel better.
saying
Reply
ONA
LS
happyfeet
ABOJuly 25th, 2015 at 11:45 PM
prove to her how much u need her. be with her n do things for her. prioritise her.
UT
Reply
Drey
July 17th, 2015 at 5:15 PM
My boyfriend and I were dating for going on 11 years. During our time I have had a rough time dealing
with his mom and his ex wife. My boyfriend doesn’t have any kids, not one. I believe he was married to
his expo for about six years. The first 3 years were great. Loving each other and really enjoying each
other. Then one day I found that he communicates with his ex still. I didn’t mind at first, but his mom
started to tell me that his ex would always be his wife no matter what. At the time I wanted to get
married, he didn’t. We talked about and he just wasn’t ready, I gave in, I had gotten a divorce from my
husband if 13 years. So I thought maybe he’s right. No need for me to jump back in so quickly. Well time
wanton and
GoodTherapy useshiscookies
ex became a thorn in my
to personalize side along
content and with hisprovide
ads to crazy mom. I would
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Long story short. Over time I joined a car club. Started doing activities with them and really enjoying
myself. I would ask him to come along to some of the events. But not all these were GET LISTED LOGIN
GoodTherapy
my new friends. And
®
it was an outlet for peace and not dealing with our issues. I loved him, just couldn’t deal with the ex and
the mom, tried telling him over and over that this was causing problems, he couldn’t understand, kept
saying
FINDhe isn’t interested in her. Well the ex finally
TELEHEALTH SELECTgot a,
A STATE
Man. I knew the guy from working with my ex. So I decided to talk with him about his new woman. I told
him how she has been a constant problem in my relationship with her ex, along with my guys mom. Well
GET
my guy found out and he felt I didnt trust him and all hell broke lose, I got angry and to him where his
mom
HELP his ex and he could go. We had words and that was 4 months ago. I do love him. I trusted him. But I
don’t trust his ex. She would tell people that I would always only be the stupid girlfriend nothing more
LEAR
because she would be the on,y wife he would ever have.
I tried to tell him how hurt I was but he felt if he showed me he loved me then I shouldn’t worry about his
N ex. Well, I did worry and it put a breach between us. He is angry with me will not talk to me. Says
crazy
for me to go back to those people I now call a family (my car club) he feels like my decision was about my
FORand the other issues were just excuses . I am so hurt by how he is treating me. He calls my sister and
club
tells her he really loves me, but I didn’t treat him right. Everything is my fault and he is through done with
PROF
us. Will he ever talk to me again. He has even threatened to call the police if I come by his house again,
it’s like he’s the devil now. So cold, angry and unforgiving.
ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS helen
July 19th, 2015 at 8:06 AM
ABO
Dear dr
I am in agony. We’ve had a wonderdul 7yr marriage, both our second time around. We had all the
UT
qualities of a functioning relationship. Then my brother died tragically in a mva. A few months after I
nursed my grandmother until she died, and my son recently had a bad mva and broke his back. My
husband was very supportive and did everything a good husband could do. We live in another country
and I recently had to leave to change our visa status. After giving him uphill about another married lady
that he is spending time with that side, he burst out in tears and it surfaced that he has been feeling shut
out of my life, that I died inside and cut him out. Now we are trying to mend but he won’t let me go back
home. I am trying everything to fix us, he is being understanding and committed himself to our marriage
again but still won’t tell me when I can go home. He is giving hundreds of reasons and wants me to trust
him and believe that we will be together. This other lady is not an issue as she and I are friends and she js
currently with her husband in another country. I truly do not believe they have anything going on, and
that my husband is just so hurt and obviously still angry with me, even though he says he has forgiven me.
Please can you advise how I should act. I’m trying to forgive myself for unknowingly hurting him.
Reply
GoodTherapy
Hi Helen,
July 19th, 2015 at 12:10 PM
®
I’mFIND TELEHEALTH
not so clear on what’s happening. You areSELECT
saying A STATE
that he is “home” and won’t let you come? or that
you are together and he won’t let you return to the States (if that is “home”). Since I really don’t know his
GET the only advice I can give is get into therapy asap. I do work by Skype, myself. Be sure whoever
“side,”
you go to is specifically trained as a “marriage therapist,” because that is its own field. Hope this helps.
HELP
Reply
LEAR
N Tom
July 21st, 2015 at 10:51 PM
FOR
Hi, i have a girlfriend that ive hurt for a year and a half. she was so in love with me that i didnt realise that
one day her feelings might fade.She says she has lost feelings for me but now ive learn to love her so
PROF
much more.Is it possible for her to come back to me?
Reply
ESSI
ONA
happyfeet
LS
July 25th, 2015 at 11:42 PM
just prove to her that u love her. bring her to meet ur parents. or get a tattoo. or spend time with her
ABO
to make her feel loved n she’ll love u back.
UTReply
Moving on
July 28th, 2015 at 3:14 AM
A tattoo, I did laugh. I have many but none are for any man who has been in my life. I keep
them written in my heart, and two who were so much more are forever to have touched my
soul. I have just been dumped by my soulmate. Wrong time, crossed wires and past issues. It
hurts like hell, I doubt I will love like that again. I am slowly getting over him, the last three
weeks I have been in such utter despair and pain, memories that break my heart anew every
time I remember them. Really looking forward to moving on with just good memories that
make me smile, not collapse in a wailing painful mess. Xx
Drey
Drey
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July 22nd, 2015 at 9:00 AM
Dear Dr.
My boyfriend doesn’t have any kids, not one. I believe he was married to his expo for about six years. The
FIND
first TELEHEALTH
3 years SELECT
were great. Loving each other and really A STATE each other. Then one day I found that he
enjoying
communicates with his ex still. I didn’t mind at first, but his mom started to tell me that his ex would
GET
always be his wife no matter what. At the time I wanted to get married, he didn’t. We talked about and he
just wasn’t ready, I gave in, I had gotten a divorce from my husband if 13 years. So I thought maybe he’s
HELP
right. No need for me to jump back in so quickly. Well time wanton and his ex became a thorn in my side
along with his crazy mom. I would go to his moms house and it was like a shrine to the ex. Pictures
LEAR
everywhere. It got so bad I just stopped going to his moms. Long story short. Over time I joined a car
club. Started doing activities with them and really enjoying myself. I would ask him to come along to
N
some of the events. But not all these were my new friends. And it was an outlet for peace and not dealing
with our issues. I loved him, just couldn’t deal with the ex and the mom, tried telling him over and over
FOR
that this was causing problems, he couldn’t understand, kept saying he isn’t interested in her. Well the ex
finally got a ,
PROF
Man. I knew the guy from working with my ex. So I decided to talk with him about his new woman. I told
him how she has been a constant problem in my relationship with her ex, along with my guys mom. Well
ESSI
my guy found out and he felt I didnt trust him and all hell broke lose, I got angry and to him where his
mom his ex and he could go. We had words and that was 4 months ago. I do love him. I trusted him. But I
ONA
don’t trust his ex. She would tell people that I would always only be the stupid girlfriend nothing more
because she would be the on,y wife he would ever have.
LS
I tried to tell him how hurt I was but he felt if he showed me he loved me then I shouldn’t worry about his
crazy ex. Well, I did worry and it put a breach between us. He is angry with me will not talk to me. Says
ABO
for me to go back to those people I now call a family (my car club) he feels like my decision was about my
club
UTand the other issues were just excuses . I am so hurt by how he is treating me. He calls my sister and
tells her he really loves me, but I didn’t treat him right. Everything is my fault and he is through done with
us. Will he ever talk to me again. He has even threatened to call the police if I come by his house again,
it’s like he’s the devil now. So cold, angry and unforgiving. How can this be fixed?
Reply
listen
July 23rd, 2015 at 9:17 AM
There is a pattern to the story you just told. Mom and son- value other things over you during your
relationship. Mom idealized the ex wife and son likely feels like a failure in mom’s eyes. He’s trying
to please himself and her. You feed his selfish ego.
Postuses
GoodTherapy break up- mom
cookies and son valuecontent
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him move past his exwife
him move past his exwife.
GET LISTED LOGIN
GoodTherapy ®
Advice: Don’t worry so much about what he says to you. The anger, hurtful words are irrational. Your
heart is broke, but because you crave a situation where your value isn’t seen or understood. As we
seek loving partners, it is our own responsibility to recognize others in ability to give us the love,
FIND TELEHEALTH
respect we need. If a man can’t give youSELECT A STATE
what you need and you have tried to explain it and are
kind, fair, understanding, then you need to realize he’s not the right one. It’s okay. I was cheated on
GET
2x. I realized I had the problem and now am with the most amazing man. He found me. I had 2
relationships between my in famous breakup and the one I’m in now. They had small heart break,
HELP
but I was not for them.
LEARWe often try to get from our partners what we lack within. Know who you are first, what you need in
a dream partner, and be patient. Time will bring that dream partner and it will be worth all the wait.
NDon’t settle; break ups are not failures unless you violate values and moral codes. Be your true self
and the right partner will value you and uplift your dreams and aspirations.
FOR
Reply
PROF
ESSI
Ryan
July 22nd, 2015 at 7:29 PM
Dr deb
ONA
any words of encouragement or suggestions on my post from June 18? Thanks

LS
Reply
ABO
UT DrDeb
July 22nd, 2015 at 8:45 PM
Hi Ryan – since you didn’t ask a question, I didn’t respond. There is no way I could make a suggestion
w/o knowing what you are learning from your life coach and therapist. It seems to me you are covered.
Reply
Ryan
July 23rd, 2015 at 5:16 PM
No dramas. Was just after any extra suggestions you may have. All good. Thank you
Reply
The___Darkness
July 28th, 2015 at 4:42 AM GET LISTED LOGIN
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I would love some help with my tale of woe. I posted it lower on the page though, under Albert or
Alfreds? comment. I am trying to battle on, but to be honest I am devastated beyond words. I don’t know
how to carry on without him in my life. I verge between ok to wanting oblivion, anything but this despair I
have knowing one stupid comment has destroyed everything. Please help me to carry on and get through
this.
GETXx
Reply
HELP
LEAR
NJuly 28th, 2015 at 9:28 AM
Thank you so much for commenting. Please know that there is help available! Working with a
FORtherapist may help you ease the pain and devastation you feel, as well as help you identify tools you
already have to aid you in moving on and healing. If you haven’t already, you can search the
PROFGoodTherapy.org for a therapist near you, here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html
ESSI
Wishing you the best in your healing journey!
ONAWarm regards,

LS
Reply
ABO
UT DrDeb
July 28th, 2015 at 1:44 PM
Hi – to Xx whose email is Darkness
Please do take the advice of the Good Therapy Team. It is not just one word that ruined things. Usually
the one word hides deep and sometimes painful feelings and attitudes. All these need to heal. I am also
happy to work with people via Skype. Or find someone local to yourself who is intelligent and kind.
Clients need both.
Reply
The___Darkness
July 28th, 2015 at 10:26 PM
Hi Deb,
analyze
He refuses ouranything.
to feel traffic. By
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since March. He lied about his true feelings up until we argued In July when I said it was over. He
took me at my word and is full of bitterness. I Just wish he had been honest about everything. I Have
caused him so much pain and deep hurt. I know it is over for good and I am devestated. I Would give
FIND TELEHEALTH
anything SELECT
to take his pain away. All I do now A STATE
is feel so alone and sad. I can’t forgive myself for any of
it, no wonder he cannot. I spend everyday utterly bereft. I want to rip the pain away. For both of us. I
GET
kiiled what we had, and it was amazing. I will spend my life missing him and in regret.
HELPReply
LEAR
DrDeb
N
July 29th, 2015 at 12:02 PM
Hi Darkness — Please change your nickname! — Your job here on earth is not to take away the pain of a
FOR
person who has been so deeply hurt that he can’t allow himself to be vulnerable in a relationship. That
will not work. In fact, even if you were a therapist, it does not work on family members. Guilt is also a
PROF
destructive emotion. It is necessary to recognize mistakes and use that awareness to resolve to treat
other people differently in the future. Now, the time has come for you to learn how to take away your
ESSI
loneliness. And that means the first step is to love and appreciate yourself. Therapy helps and , as I said
earlier, I recommend it.
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO
Thelightened
UTJuly 31st, 2015 at 5:07 AM
Hello Deb,
I Have spent the last 15 on antidepressants. I came off them a month ago and now can see things far
better. I was, for the last few months selfish and stuck in my own problems. I brought us both down
and it has destroyed everything we had. Is It normal to put up barriers to feel nothing and to cut
people out of your life?
We have both suffered from depression but I forgive, and have friends now who have hurt me badly
in the past.
I can keep trying, he has reached a point of no more, and now I’m on the list.
My feelings about myself are under construction, I just try to be the best person I can. I made
massive mistakes though, not him. He found me using drugs three times. It destroyed his trust. I had
been clean for over a decade. Problems with my ex and our children made me so low I reverted to
drugs. I have been clean since the last time, in March. I will never use again.
I gotuses
GoodTherapy clean last time,
cookies this time is was
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cookies.
This was entirely my fault
This was entirely my fault.
All I would like is a chance to let him know I realise that. I just find it so unusual,GET LISTED
I don’t have aLOGIN
limit
GoodTherapy ®
on chances, tolerance, saturation or anything else where people I care about are concerned. I
cannot do an abrupt withdrawal of everything, shutters down and shop closed.
I have shut people out but it takes a bloody lot more than that and at least has warning!
We had an argument and I said it was over, I was going. He hates head games. The first argument
GETsince March and its over.
Why did I say something so bloody stupid?!
HELPI hate mind games, bloody hell why?!
I have to live with it now.
LEARMy stupid comment on top of everything else I did ruined everything.
I ruined the best thing ever in my life.
NI hurt him so deeply.
I am a total fool.
FOR
Reply
PROF
ESSI The lightness

ONAPs; he has said he wants a year apart. After that he said we can be friends maybe more as what we
had was amazing. In the meantime….he is on swingers websites. I Won’t hold my breath then……
LSMixed messages!!
Reply
ABO
UT
Sandra c
July 30th, 2015 at 4:38 AM
have been married for 9 years we have done allot to each other emotionally I would tell him to go
because so he would not listen to me it put a lot of stress from both of us I would go out and he would go
out he would come home drinking without you he would just ignore me thought he didn’t love me you
have kids together and I want to find the way he told me that he a lot of love with me now and the 8
months I want to find a way to maker of work or marriage work I still have feelings for him and I only
actually found this out after we were separated how much I really do love him and miss him that I need
him in my life and I want him in my children’s life the friends that we have sometimes it seems like they
wanted us against each other I don’t know if it’s just me thinking that or maybe they really were. bucan he
fall back in love withcan I gain his trust back can he fall back in love with me how do I try what do I do
would there be a chance for us to have a happy life and live long together
Reply
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GoodTherapy Sandra c
July 30th, 2015 at 4:42 AM
®
I am
FIND so sorry for the way I wrote this butSELECT
TELEHEALTH I have trouble
A STATEtexting on my phone because it’s so small so
I apologize I hope you can understand what I said I use the microphone
GET
Reply
HELP
LEAR DrDeb
July 31st, 2015 at 11:23 AM
N Lightened,
Hi The
Yes, it is normal for people who were hurt way too much as children to have developed numbness of one
FOR
sort or another as a protective device. It is not GOOD, but it is normal. It is not a great idea to say “I have
used drugs for the last time” UNLESS you are getting INTENSIVE support. You should be going to NA
PROF
meetings, do the steps, have a sponsor and have personal therapy. You also must stop putting yourself
down. I realize that is how you see your actions, but putting yourself down makes you end up feeling
ESSI
hopeless which then leads to MORE bad choices. What you need to substitute is: “I’ve made a lot of
mistakes.” Period. Please get therapy to give yourself the tools you need to get out of your bad place.
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO Jessica
UT
My fiancé and u have a hit a real rough patch. Over the years he has struggled with excessive alcohol
abuse and usually I am able to bring it up and he notices it’s getting worse and fixes it himself. Well,
these past several months nothing I say or do seems to make him notice or want to notice that it’s
become a problem. He has taken off and emptied our bank account and left without word or a call that he
is alive and ok for days. This last time was just 2 weeks ago and I called around to jails and hospitals just
to see if he was ok since his phone was turned off. I later found out he was supposedly at his mothers for
the 2.5 days and then took off out of town to a casino for the weekend. She didn’t call to let me know he
was ok and she didn’t care to. Needless to say we don’t get along, but my fiancé say has now brought up
the issue that I don’t show him enough affection so he drinks and takes off. I have been hurt many times
by him this time being to worse and what bothers me even more it that our kids have notice he doesn’t
want to be around and that is hurting them so much. As a mother their pain is my pain and now I hurt and
emotionally stricken even harder. We have been talking and trying to work on things but his biggest
issues is that I don’t want to be vulnerable in terms of getting sexually involved with him until I see and
GoodTherapy uses in
feel a change cookies
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him consent to our
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us without word all
because of a few to many drinks. He has stopped drinking and will continue to. I just don’t know how to
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make him understand why I can’t and won’t be vulnerable until I see a change in him so I won’t get hurt
®
again. He just thinks we should go back to where we were being a couple and having sex but I can’t do
that just yet. Any advice as to how I can help him understand why I can’t be sexually vulnerable at this
FIND TELEHEALTH
time? SELECT A STATE
Reply
GET
HELP
DrDeb
LEAR
Hi Jessica
N
The key word here is “manipulation.” Your bf is manipulating you big time. HE drinks but YOU have to be
more affectionate? I don’t think so. The way you had it in the first place was correct: He has to shape up
FOR
and then you can see 6 months if he remains clean and sober, having worked through the 12 steps, gotten
a sponsor, taken responsibility, acted like a grownup, then maybe you can start to warm up.
PROF
Reply
ESSI
ONA his_fallen_angel
LS
Hi. Idk where to start. I met my son’s father at a local gas station filling my tank omw to work. I gave him
my number after his request. For a few days he texted or called saying he wanted to chill. I assumed it
ABO
meant sex so i blew him off. Well i was bored one evening/afternoon. So i hit him up. He met me at my
car door. Escorted me inside. Introduced me to everyone. Although we interacted. It was within the group.
UT
He walked me out and stole a kiss on my cheek. We hung out every other day since then. At the time he
stated i was his princess and told his mom about me.blah blah blah. We eventually ended up having sex
on a regular basis. Found out i a month pregnant when he got locked up. Idk really know him. Even
though i knew him. But in our letters, my love grew. I was in love. Crazy huh? He did little stuff like drew
roses cut them out and tied a ribbon to send me for v day. He came home after our son was born. But he
had to stay at a transition home. It was difficult him being there. Me having to tend to our newborn. Not a
lot of time seeing each other. Did i mention he just got out? So he cheated. I felt anger. But i loved him. I
wanted our family to work too. So i tried to look past it. Even though we werent back together i still felt
as if we were. He’d find a new girl that would worship him in a sense.offer her home, car, money. But i
stayed around. Arguments were bad. But he made the last one GF. I knew her bc we went to school
together. But she was okay with her role in his life as long as she had him and that he’d have to put up
with me his bm drama. Sigh. So it hurt to move on. And i tried to do so physically. I went on a blind date.
Had sex got pregnant. ad an abortion. (Please dont judge. I felt very low and suicidal for my actions). He
was in a relationship at the time and once again locked up. I still told him. I felt worse bc he took me off
visitation and didnt call for awhile. During that time. . . i went on a sex spree trying to temporarily
oppress my guilt, hurt, anger. Every emktion but happiness. I found out one person i had sex with, he
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knew. Told him. He called me unloyal. But we still came back to each other. He still was there when i
needed him and vice versa. Or at least on my end i provided what he lacked during those moment bc hr
had females who could do that and more. Long story short. Our arguments grew worse. We’ve gotten
FIND TELEHEALTH
physical. And said things that should’ve neverSELECT A STATE
been said just to hurt one another. But this time. He gave
me the letters i wrote back, said he will come around our son when he is a better role model and that he
GET
doesnt exist to me or my family and never to contact him again. I know i love him. I am in love with
him.and relationships arent perfect but i know i messed up with handling my anger wrong. But now i have
HELP
to suffer. My son has to suffer. And i just want my best friend and lover back. I want my family together.
But how can i come back from that. Ps. Sorry so long.
LEAR
Reply
N
FOR Susan
PROF
Move on! It’s hard, I’ve been there.
The responsibility of caring for the human being you brought into this world should be your first and
ESSI
top priority.
People (including him) will see your effort and you will reap the love and success from your efforts in
ONA
other areas of your life. He is a black hole of effort and emotion that will always need filling.
LSGive that effort and love to your child.
Reply
ABO
UT
Jaded
I’ve been in a 2nd relationship for 15 years. I pledged my love, life & faith to this man. In my heart we
were true soulmates. Although there is too much detail to write with respect to how I finally found out but
in April 2015 I found more proof than I wanted that he had been unfaithful. Dealing with all the details &
various pieces of the puzzle that suddenly all falling into place he admitted that it had beef going on 4
years & would still be if I hadn’t found out. This I learned mid July. Call me crazy but I thought we could fix
this however it is becoming more & more challenging. He says he loves more than ever & that I am the
most amazing person he knows. My problem is that I can’t seemed to believe him given he gave himself
to another for so long, treated me with such disrespect & cruelty in the last year. He was intimate with
this woman who is married with children in my own bed as well as hers. They shared a fantasy life of
husband & wife whenever they could & he would have left me for her has she left her husband. How’s
does one deal with that? I feel so emotionally confused, angry, hurt, spiteful & a collection of other
feelings. I want to hate him because I think he’s a horrible human being as she is for having done this
when he should have just left if he wasn’t happy. How can I get myself to a better place? The only good
thing that has come of this is my loosing 46 pounds but I’d have preferred happinessGET
& fidelity
LISTED far more.
LOGIN
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Reply
®

Georgie
GET
hi I’m going mad here I have been in a relationship for the past 17 years and have been through some
HELP
tough times including me having a emotional affair 6 years ago. My partner has said he loves me but is
not in love with me , thing is he won’t move out we have 2 children both teenagers, I am doing everything
LEAR
I can to change myself and be a better person. But I am doing everything like before and he still wants
sexual relations but he keeps saying there is no chance . Am I being a mug or can his feelings towards me
N
change, he has said he despises me so why is he still wanting sex ? I really want to try and work things
out
FORany suggestions ?
Reply
PROF
ESSI
Susan
ONAAugust 15th, 2015 at 6:59 AM
Wow. I’m so sorry. Someone this emotionally unavailable for you is very selfish.
LSQ: Is he a loving and devoted father to the kids? Goes he share productive quality time with them?
I was told once, “the best thing a father can do for his children, is love their mother”
ABO
Reply
UT
Georgie
Hi yes he is a very good father to the children and at this present time has said he is trying to
get back to the relationship he is being more warm and friendly towards me too
Amanda
So my girlfriend got her license taken away because of an auto incident. For two years. After she had her
license tajen away everything started changing. She would get drunk and mean and i mean reeallly mean.
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beginning of this year, my girlfriend and I of almost three years now had to move down to Vegas because
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of my work. It just got worse, she didnt have a job and was away from family. But she also didn’t do
®
anything to try and fix it. All she would do was complain, be depressed, and take it out on me. Eventually
it got the the breaking point. She got drunk and more out of control than I’ve ever seen her. So she went
FIND
back TELEHEALTH
home… SELECT
I tried to communicate with her and A through
work STATE problems. She would ignore me
constantly, sometimes days at a time and was never there for me. About six months of this go by… I
GET
eventually had to end things with her. She said she just needed to time for her to figure out what she
wanted. So I moved on and started dating and net someone really amazing, very ambitious, sweet,
HELP And about a month in a half later. My ex contacts me saying she is so sorry, she has changed, she
smart…
just needed time to figure herself out and get her life back in gear.. and now I’m torn. I don’t know what
LEAR
to do possibly lose someone who could be great or lose the person I’ve loved for years… That I don’t trust
because of everything that happened. But she is consistent. I can tell she has changed. But she is giving
N
me an ultimatum… I have to pick. I just don’t know what to do.
Reply
FOR
PROF
Help me save this
ESSI
My life has spiraled out of control this past year. I started drinking way too much. I went home with
ONA
someone for a one night stand. Ended up meeting someone else, someone who I definitely wanted to
spend the rest of my life with. We start dating and everything is absolutely perfect, we were perfect. A
LS
few weeks into our glittering happiness, i find out I’m pregnant, from the one night stand… He stayed
with me knowing i was pregnant for someone else. We started arguing and fighting everyday. It got to
ABO
the point to where when he’d yell my anxiety would spike and i would get so nervous I couldn’t speak.
Well during one argument, he asks me who’s “thing” was bigger. Me, having an anxiety attack, says the
UT
other guy. It wasn’t true i was just panicked and blank minded. Well I’ve done everything i can think of to
take back and fix what I’ve done. My soul mate, my lover, my best friend feels like he’s not enough for
me. He’s everything i could have ever asked for. How can i prove to him that he is more than enough?
How can i repair the emotional damage that i have caused?
Reply
jessica
Betrayal can come from manipulating someone to get ahead. I work with my ex and he did exactly this to
me. He broke up with me and he has gone back and forth with me for the last year. When it came to
promotion time he went to the I love u and miss u stage. He got promoted then just then decided he only
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do this. He told me there
was no chance with me and even said he never loved and cared. I’m lost, hurt, and I want him in my life
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because he is my person. I know I have to move on though.
Reply
GET Torn Asunder

HELP
Dear Dr. Deb
My Significant Other and I have been in a 3 1/2 year relationship. We have lived together for the majority
LEAR
of it. He is 29 and I am 22. We have been engaged for 2 years and only a few months ago decided to get
married officially on December 10th. However I am a cheater. I have cheated on this amazing creature not
N
once but four times over the course of our relationship causing me to loose friends, loose his trust, and
respect for myself as a human being. The fourth time was a few weeks ago when I started having “cold
FOR
feet”. Every time this man has taken me back through the hurt, the betrayal and the anger.He has done so
much for me, he has taken me away from a physically and verbally abusive family whom I have no contact
PROF
with anymore, he has loved me when I could not love myself, he has helped financially when I could not
make ends meet, and he has helped lay the foundation for me to reach my full potential. I owe him my
ESSI
life. He is my perfect human being even through his flaws… I was his world and I know I ruined the trust
we worked hard to rebuild not once, not twice, but three times. Recently I told him that I wasn’t
ONA
emotionally or mentally ready to get married at this time-I know it broke his heart and it broke mine too.
That’s when he found out about the cheating. I cannot understand why I keep doing this. It kills me to
LS
know that I am the cause of his broken heart. I only want to mend his hurt but it seems like I sabotage
everything. He is willing to work together to salvage what we still have. (we have a home together and
ABO
pets that are like children) but I am torn. Half of me wants to leave and explore the world while I’m still
young
UT in which I will only have the clothes on my back and no ties to anyone or anything in the present
time..the other half is wanting to work things out and earn his trust that just may never come back, to
brave the constant shame and disappointment from the world around me. I have looked up article upon
article on people’s experiences and tried to seek advice from other married couples that I know but in the
end, I cannot figure out if I really want to stay or go. If I can brave the shame of having “the scarlet letter”
stamped on my head for all to see now. This man I know I love but..is love enough to keep my eyes from
wandering? I don’t know. Especially since it is only recently in which I’ve started to figure out who I really
am, beyond the grasp of my controlling family and safety blanket. How do I know which decision is the
one my heart is telling me to go towards, what is the best way to figure out if this relationship is going to
be OK?
It isn’t right for me to be this way. This man deserves a better girlfriend, a better wife. A decision needs to
be made soon but I have no idea what I want. I owe him that much, I owe him happiness..even if it isn’t
with me.
I’m so confused. There is no more time for compromise it’s either stay or go.
What is the best method to figure out what I truly want in this crossroads so I don’t toy with my
significant other’s heart anymore then necessary. He is waiting on an answer but it is killing him inside I
know. GET LISTED LOGIN
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Reply
®

DrDeb
GET
Hi Torn
HELP
Please consider personal therapy with a trauma specialist. Here’s why: What you allude to in your
childhood sounds like you experienced abuse. Abuse is traumatic. You need to understand who you really
LEAR
are before trying to present who you think you are to someone else. It seems to me that your comfort
zone (however uncomfortable that may be) is being abused some more. Cheating so many times is
N
saying, “I am not worth more than that.” You are degrading yourself — therapy will help you not only
uncover why, but give you tools to rebuild yourself. In fact, be sure the type of therapy you go to will do
FOR
exactly that. Talking for 20 years to a psychoanalyst is not the answer.
PROF
Reply
ESSI
Amanda1
ONA
I hope
LS I can get some help here. My heart is ripped apart. I was with this girl since Feb, 2012.
Everything was good. While I enjoyed her company in most cases, she had attitude of asking for money
ABO
every time. Although i understood her condition growing up in foster homes. So I gave her money every
week for 2 yrs straight. I never stressed on sex with her at all.
UT
However, I thought I should take a break from her in December 2013. So I sptopped answering her calls. If
I did, I simply talked briefly because she was asking for money basically. She doesn’t know when I’m
broke. I thought she would learn few lesson if I ignore her for some time.
From January 2014 we didn’t see each other but we talked seldomly on the phone up until September
2014. We finally met in September. I initiated the move…just to see her for the first time in 9 months. Did I
miss her within the 9 months? . Absolutely!
So she came to my place and looks big. I asked why is that? . She said she’s pregnant. She portrayed
sperm donor as a mere friend in the hood. And sexual encounter just happened. So I asked: are you
moved on? . She never answered that question up till now.
Anyways, we enjoyed brief moment. I was happy we back with understanding that “sperm donor” is no
one. We moved around shopping for baby stuff, groceries, her personal stuff at expensive places.This
took place between September to December 2014 and she was due around late January.
I thought sheanalyze ourwith
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living with a
( dS it ) h h h b ti h l b t th l d fi i S I h d
woman (good Samaritan) who have her basement in her place but the place need fixing. So I we shopped
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for all that. We had to go to Home Depot back and forth because the “contractor” couldn’t get everything
®
straight one time.
One of those day in October lady yr, the “contractor” who supposedly fixing the place came with her to
my house to pick me up for shopping more did for her place. We went. All purchases are on my bill.
Here
GETIs The Bomb
On or around January 15 this year, she called me very early in the morning crying so bad that my heart
HELP
shook because she never cried like that. …never! I was sad and hurt. Asked what happened to her? . She
was like a guy came last night and cause trouble and that he took her car key. I asked if she outside? . She
LEAR
said yes, she’s wri walking down to my house. That’s 45 minutes walk. Our was not only child but freezing
cold weather on Wednesday morning. She was heavily pregnant and due in a week.I wish I had a car to
N
pick her up. Master of fact she already Wales half-way when she called.
Anyways,
FOR she finally arrived. I was upset seeing tears running down like infant. She politely declined to
zip some tea which I understood because she indeed very tired. She lied down straight in my bed. But
before
PROF she passed out I asked who the heck was the guy?. Although she told me there are always bunch of
people upstairs and the place is uncomfortable. So she said “I live with his mother”. ‘His’in this context
ESSI to her baby father. I thought you said the gut is just a dude that comes in the hood. Then she passed
refers
out for 4 hours and later went to get mother’s house later that afternoon. She went into labor a week
ONA
after.
She did not call me after giving birth. I called two weeks later. Meanwhile during pregnancy I tried
LS
visiting her place but she prevented me that the landlady doesn’t want anyone come over. I was like I
need to see the progress since I paid for repairs and fixing. But I respect her choice and stayed away.
ABO
Anyways since she gave birth she barely called in February. I called few times and she would say she’s
UTI understood that she needed time to heal and relax so I didn’t bother much.
fine.
Here comes March, April and May she would call like crazy demanding money. She would come briefly to
money and gone. No more time for me. However I understood that she o ices with her man and his
parent. But she still bothers me about renting a place for herself,her brother and baby. So I was
wondering if indeed her relationship with the guy is not that serious. But I dramatically reduced contact
with her. But we still talk a lot because she calls. She obviously has no time for me. I asked same question
at this time if she moved on? . She wold smile and tell me to just shut up. Not in rude way but in a tune
that my question was irrelevant.
Fast forward, she badly needed to see me in May but I prevented her cus I was confused about my status.
Plus I requested a favor since last year that she stylishly turned down. I was truly upset over that. She
knows and apologized a week later in May. But u was no longer interested in the deal. I figured out by
80% she moved on. But in fact I miss her so much. Genuine love but she can care less. She only come for
money briefly and rushed out.
analyze
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baby father’s house
because she promised to see me but played me That’s why I went there She was mad No one was
because she promised to see me but played me. That s why I went there. She was mad. No one was
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outside when I went. She was not home either bur I told get I was there. This argument lasted for a week
®
that I missed her so much cus I have not seen her in 3 months (late May to July).
The argument led her to the point that she threatned to call police if I ever come to get “family” house
FINDi:eTELEHEALTH
again SELECT
baby father or contact her or any mem5 A STATE
of her family or friends.
SoGET
I respected that cut my loses with deep pain like my world was coming to an end. Now it was this time
I realized how much I loved her. To my surprise she called me 2 days after such threats to stop by and pick
up few bucks. I did not hesitate. She came and indeed I felt like my soul was restored. I could not eat in a
HELP
week if argument. So from there we reconnected. This was all last month (August). I didn’t mind buying
stuff
LEARshe needs to get done. She name them like her baby needs stuff. She wants to go on date. Told me
not to worry about baby daddy.

N
So I calculated things she needs. Not that much for me. We made appointment to go lay week Friday but
instead she came to my house on Tuesday same week. That’s few days before appointment date. Prior to
FOR
that, I came across her FB page and stumped on a picture that resembles same guy that went to us to
home Depot last October. I was sure it was him. His comment reads “gotta go listen to my sidechick…that
PROF
I like”.
SoESSI
when she came in Tuesday I asked isn’t the same guy we went to home depot last yr is your
babyfather?. She simply did not answer. Well I did not want to dwell on that since she already told me
not
ONAto worry about him.
I care about my business. That’s what she wasn’t. So I asked, when are toy spending time with me
LS
preferable overnight?. She replied ” my baby father said if I sleep here I should never come home
anymore”. I was hurt because I don’t know why she brought him into the picture. So u gave her money
ABO
and she left. Meanwhile we had appointment to fix things and shopping on Friday last week. But I called
her on Wednesday to make the plan for Thursday instead which she agreed. My intention was purely to
UT
ditch her but I want too sure enough if I could. But I did what I had to do in writing and verbally. I bought
uniforms fire her job and slipped the note in between.
She was happy to see me. Jumped straight in my bed but I called her straight to the point. Her face
changed when I started talking about the gut being the same one at the home depot, how she said the
guy is not serious about her but her actions speak louder than words. How she treatened early how her
baby father and friends would beat me up if I come there again. She said right away that she’s living. I
said no we need to talk it out. This is adult conversation which she’s been avoiding months long. That I
needed to know my status with her cus i feel like I’m being used by her and baby father to takecare of
their things. Indeed, instead of contributing her opinion on the issues she said “my baby father is outside
to pick my up”. I asked if he knew she was here? . She said yes. I said so you guys planned this?. It means
he’s already around the corner waiting for u to get money and come out. She was upset really bad and I
said I will not give her anything. She begged me for the first time that she had no money for the week and
really need it and after this she would never ask me for anything. I stood my ground and wanted to give
her final hug but she refused.
Sh id I l dh d k th t S th t i k dh dI hi l l h th I fb
She said I played her and ask that. So the gut picked her and I saw him clearly he was the guy I saw on fb.
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They stood by my house fire 45 mins. Don’t know what they were doing.
®
Finally, everything feel apart lady night when she said she would see me on condition that I give her some
money. I said ok. She came but stayed in her car, called me to come out. I said no you come in. She
couldn’t and cursed me out never to hear from me again.
I really
GET love her. Her attitude changed a lot. She’s been cursing me since last Thursday final cut off. My
heart misses her. Ripped off. But her condition in that house is not plessant. That’s why she kept coming
to me. But I interpret that to mean “using me”. She denies point blank that I did nothing for her. She’s
HELP
very ungrateful in our last meetings. I do know her possibly of calling me again. Only a matter of time.
LEAR
She just can’t hold to long. But I’m concerned this time the fight is too expensive. But in heartbroken.
Reply
N
FOR
Amanda1
PROFSeptember 9th, 2015 at 2:30 PM
There are some typographical errors in my writeup and there is no way for now to edit. Readers may
ESSI
have to figure out mispelled words or phrases. This is due to mobile.
Anyways, some sort of suggestions and way forward from this really what I need. Just too hard for
ONA
me to have another girl now. My heart is just with her but she was in the wrong place during our
LSseparations last year. She never cursed me out.
Right now she lives with her babyfather which I know there is 60% chance something is wrong there
ABObut I’m not concerned much about that.
What I’m concerned about is that she’s going to call me for rescue if something happens.
UT
Reply
Angie
What if its the total opposite though? He’s falling out of love with me and I’m trying so hard to
comprehend this difficult fact seeing as I treat him wonderfully. I’m not quite sure if it’s simply because he
just decided he no longer cared one day or because he has problems other than our relationship that are
managing to affect it in a negative matter. The thought of him finally deciding that he no longer wants me
is terrifying and I’m not sure how to react nor do i know what to do or where to begin. Help.
Reply
jessica
jessica
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September 19th, 2015 at 12:20 PM ®
Do not let your emotions get the best of you and try to force your significant other to feel as certain
way. It feels good to let them know you care and love them, but it will do the complete opposite and
FIND TELEHEALTH
push them away. It hurts and it will hurt.SELECT A STATE
From dealing with this myself, I understand where you are
coming from. Be strong and know that relationships are a two way street not one sided.
GET
Reply
HELP
LEAR Az
N
I am skeptical of this NC sometimes. I think the logic simply works differently. I used it on my girlfriend
for 9 months. She only ended up getting pregnant by another guy. Now she lives with her baby father
FOR
although she doesnt like it there 100%. She just told me yesterday that she’s looking for a place just for
herself and her baby. Few days ago i was at the Mall when she called. She thought i was home because
PROF
me and her have been exchanging emails back and fourth. Not knowing i was replying her on my phone.
When I finally said I was at the Mall (me and her used to go to the Mall together), she called me right
ESSI
away after month long blockage of my number. She asked “who are you with?”. She thought i was with a
girl. So i refused to give her simple and straight forward answer. She was so upset and asked why i can’t
ONA
answer her question?. Then i decided to tell her i am alone. However, while she’s on the phone with me,
sheLS
quickly sent me email cursing me out thinking i have a lady by me. I just dont understand her
anymore. She was not like this before she got pregnant. She lives with her baby father basically because
ofABO
accommodation but she doesnt want me to have any lady. I dont get it. I am really confused. I also try
to reduce communication with her. She’s Scorpio. She drives me crazy. She never had this personalities
before.
UT Any suggestion friends?
Reply
Cynthia
This article focuses on two people who are genuinely in tune to each other. What about the one who falls
in love with someone who was dishonest in the beginning? What If the one who falls in love realizes after
marriage that who they fell in love with is not real, aka, a passive aggressive narcissist?
Reply
Penny
September 22nd, 2015 at 7:52 AM
Hey all…… So, I read the article, and I think it has valid points. However, both have toGET
be willing
LISTED to work
LOGIN
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on things. What happens if years before reading this partner one tries these things and it doesn’t work
then a few years later after partner one decides to b finished partner two finally decides to try. Is it wrong
for partner one to just be done. Partner one fell out of love and no longer felt intimacy for a couple years.
They would still have sex but it wasn’t meaningful to partner one the way it had been. They recently split
due to partner one finding partner two looking for hookers and indulging in drugs so partner one calls for
GET
space….. Partner two has either called, came over, text or emailed every day since…. Is partner one right
in thinking it should just b done?
HELP
Reply
LEAR
N
Alexa
FORSeptember 24th, 2015 at 12:38 AM
Penny,
PROFI feel for you. I just lost my partner to drugs and hookers. I love him so much, I feel I lost my best
friend but I have to respect myself. I deserve so much more than to go down with a sinking ship.
ESSI
It’s terrible loosing someone to drugs.
ONAReply
LS
samara
ABO
HI my
UT comment is really good information but when someone wearing those shoes is really hard to do
things the right way because is too much pain and feel desperate to get the person you love back is a lot
things you don’t know how to deal with this is my storie ,I met this wonderful guy 17 years ago but 4 years
ago he desired he want to go back to school we didn’t have the money but i support his desition so we
move to another state but i was having trouble find it a job so i desired to move back and leave my
husband and my youngest daughter together so i was working to jobs to support him for almost 4 years
now he’s done with school and find a job but has not been paying the much so is hard to survive we 3
together so i still at the same place working 2 jobs trying to support my self and also helping him when i
can well now after 4 years been a part he say he doesn’t love me anymore and i am devastated because i
feel betrayed for the whole situation. I have been with out my youngest daughter for 4 years and not my
husband say he doesn’t love me anymore he feel out of love with me , but is hard for me to accept that i
can imagine the life with out them , I feel angry use and betrayed by him but i love him he wants to
divorce now but i have been fighting back to get back into relationship with him to be with my daughter
and him he say emotionaly he has no feelings for me no more and thas very painful . but i am welling to
work things out if we put the effort together i live different state and he live different satate also what can
i do to get my husband back into my life he s a good guy and good husband too. Any suggestions you
think we can get back together, what we need to do to feel in love again or gain his love back againLOGIN
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very difficult for me i feel very sad and is hard for me to let go with out trying emotional am not good
thinking everyday what i did wrong for this love to disappear just like that am welling to fight back but i
feel he’s is not trying to put the effort into getting back together he say we should look for counseling, it
that will help? or what else we can do if we are not together and living in separated stated . How can i
handle this please any one any good advise or DR beb any suggestion is a way to put this relation back.
GET
what we can do together to connect emotional again, what we need to change or what i need to do to
save my married ,And make him feel in love again with me, thank you iam in a lot pain and emotional am
HELP
devastered . do not want to loose them i love them very much just to let them go with out doing anything,
Reply
LEAR
samara
FOR
October 1st, 2015 at 5:30 PM
HI my comment is really good information but when someone wearing those shoes is really hard to do
PROF
things the right way because is too much pain and feel desperate to get the person you love back .is a lot
things
ESSI you don’t know how to deal with this, is my story ,I met this wonderful guy 17 years ago but 4 years
ago he desired he want to go back to school we didn’t have the money but i support his decision so we
move
ONA to another state but i was having trouble find it a job, so i desired to move back and leave my
husband and my youngest daughter together.I was working 2 jobs to support Them for almost 4 years
now
LShe’s done with school and find a job but the job has not been paying the much so is hard to survive
with income because is not enough, I still at the same place working 2 jobs trying to support my self and
also
ABOhelping him when i can, well now after 4 years we have been a part he told me doesn’t love me
anymore and i am devastated because i feel betrayed for the whole situation. I have been with out my
youngest
UT daughter for 4 years and now my husband say he doesn’t love me anymore He felt out of love
with me , but is hard for me to accept that i can imagine the life with out them , I feel angry use and
betrayed by him but i love him. He wants to divorce now but i have been fighting back to get back into
the relationship with him, to be with my daughter and him.He doesn’t have emotionaly feelings for me
anymore and it is very painful . But i am welling to work things out if we put the effort together. We live in
different states what can i do! to get my husband back into my life.He s a good guy and good husband
too. Any suggestions, you think we can get back together, what we need to do, to felt in love again or
gain his love back again ,is very difficult for me.I feel very sad and is hard for me to let go, with out trying
,emotional not doing good. Thinking everyday what i did wrong, for this love to disappear just like that.
Am welling to fight back, but i feel he’s is not trying to put the effort into getting back together. He
suggest we should look for counseling, it that will help? or what else we can do if we are not together
living in separated stated . How can i handle this please any one any good advise or DR beb any
suggestion is a way to put this relation back again. what we can do together to connect emotional again,
what we need to change .Or what i need to do to save my married !,And make him feel in love again with
me, thank you iam in a lot pain emotional am devastated . Do not want to lost them, I love them very
much just to let them go with out doing anything,
j g g y g
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Reply
®
DrDeb
GET October 1st, 2015 at 8:53 PM

Samara, of COURSE he fell out of love. That is exactly what happens when you’re not THERE. But he can
also
HELPfall back IN love, too! What makes for feeling “in love”? It’s the excitement of the new relationship.
Well, you CAN create a new relationship just by going back and starting over. But in a sexy way. Be new,
be interesting! DON’T be needy!! I do recommend counseling as long as it is with a trained and skilled
LEAR
marriage counselor who understands what I’ve just said. If it is someone fresh out of school, she or he
will N
not have the expertise you need.
Reply
FOR
PROF
vilma
October
ESSI 2nd, 2015 at 9:57 AM
Thank you dr deb i really appreciate your answer i am desperate to get my husband back the thing is i
don’t
ONA have place in AZ to go and he doesn’t offer me to move with them i do not know how can i stared
because i will have to live my job behind and i do not know how stared again with out support any
LS
suggestions how can i make him interested on me again .any ideas when you say try to be sexy, how can i
approach the situation he say he’s not connected to me emotional and don’t want to have anything with
ABO
me and told me never make him happy how can i call his attention again because feel like we talk just as
a friend that it nothing else .i feel if i don’t do anything and i do not talk to him i feel desperate and also i
feelUTlike i am losing him day by day is any good place in AZ for good therapy we both can attend or how
we can start all over again what kind the things i should
d do how can i behaved different? how can i call his attention? what will him interested on me again ?
what kind of conversation i should have with him over the phone . please give me some ideas i am lost
don’t know what to do thank you again for answer my desperate email good bless you !you are given me
hope thanks again.
Reply
DrDeb
October 3rd, 2015 at 6:25 PM
Dear Vilma. First of all, you must NOT be desperate. Start by what you tell YOURSELF: I am a wonderful
person. I uses
GoodTherapy am a cookies
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person! It is HIS job to see that He will not see that if you are desperate That is what I meant by sexy
person! It is HIS job to see that. He will not see that if you are desperate. That is what I meant by sexy.
GET LISTED
Sexy = appealing. What IS appealing is a person who thinks well of herself. What is NOT appealingLOGIN
is
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being desperate. Next, it is not your job to “make” him happy. Spouses are not there to “make” someone
happy. How can any person make another one have that feeling anyway? Perhaps he was always an
unhappy person? I think we go back to the sexy part: Be INDEPENDENT, not dependent, emotionally,
when you talk to him. Furthermore, HE has some obligations to YOU, morally if not legally, since you have
been
GETsupporting him. Remind him that he OWES you something, but when you talk with him, be
CHEERFUL, not sad. That is what I mean by not being needy and dependent. As for where to live, there is
such
HELPa thing as a roommate service you can look into. As for your job, I agree, you can’t quit til you have
something else lined up. Good luck!
LEAR
Reply
FOR
magdeline
iPROF
really hurt my boyfriend this time i don’t think he will forgive me, always when he was talking to me i
ignored him only now i realize that i have hurt him…i
ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS Teneice
ABO
So, my fiancé recently cheated on me, he’s in the army and I’m back home until we get married, I however
go to see him every other month. We’ve been together since high school 4years now. ( yes we’re young)
UT
we got into a argument while I wasn’t there because I felt like something was off, like something wasn’t
right, and I always asked him are you doing anything your not suppose to be doing. His answer would
always be no and that he won’t hurt me and that I’m being crazy and that I’m the only one he wants , but
things wasn’t adding up and I wouldn’t let up. He told me I should come see him and we can get that
thought out my head so I can see how busy he is, I told him I understand but things you say just don’t add
up neither does it make sense. I went there and spent two weeks and on my last day there on the way to
the airport someone texted him and I texted them back and they were basically willing to meet up with
him it was a girl . And I asked him does he know her he said no . He denied her for a very long time and
we got into a big fight. He grabbed his phone back and texted her and said nvm and we were like done at
the airport I was crying my eyes out and I was so disappointed because he obviously was lying to me. The
next day he ignored me as if I did something wrong and didn’t speak to me until that night I asked him
again has he done anything with anyone he again said no he never touched anyone the next day I went
looking through our phone rcords and I saw a call I called back the number on my phone and I introduced
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how that s not the first time and they hang out a lot and they go out to eat and etc. so he had sex with her
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the day after I left and times before I got there when I was feeling like things were off it was because of
®
that. I confronted him and I was absolutely done but I was still in a lot of pain and he then would send me
long messages every morning (like this one ) trying to apologie and asking for one more chance and etc it
was a huge
FIND blow out. He was never like this before
TELEHEALTH SELECT, the type to cheat. And when I ask him why he says he
A STATE
doesn’t know he wasn’t thinking, and he won’t ever do it again .When I explained this to my mom who
GET
has a degree in psychology just to get someone’s point of view she asked what changed in his life
recently, and in the past year a lot has, he joined the army in January(which I supported him through it
HELP step) he has had four very close friends/family that has passed away in this very year,and he
every
couldn’t come home for the funerals one he didn’t even know about until months after then his mother
LEAR
told him on his happiest day (graduation from basic training), he’s a only child and his mom is very not on
board with him and I getting married so soon and so young, so they’re constantly arguing. This is also his
firstNtime alone, with no one to lay a shoulder on or talk to everyday, yes he has me to talk to but he says
it’s not the same because once we hang up the phone he’s alone again. My mom said it can be a coping
FOR
mechanism , not giving what he did any justice but it can be that, and this is his first offense of cheated
but I’m completely torn because he did things as if she were me. He became heartless in my eyes and
PROF
didn’t think about my feelings or anything I feel disrespected and stupid. I want to forgive him but, my
mind can not stop going back on what they did. ( I asked about every detail) I don’t know if it’s my
ESSI
mistake for wanting to know everything they did and how they did it but I see it in my head, constantly.
He says he has no attraction to her at all he just wasn’t thinking. So idk what to do I want to move on but
ONA
I can’t stop, I can’t trust him at all, I feel like I can’t love him like I did before, I feel like this is a mistake
and that I shouldn’t be with him. But I love him I do, I devoted so much time money and energy into this
LS
and I of t want it to go to waste, he says he wants to show me how he would change he keeps asking me
to come back there not realizing I would go crazy because you did things with her in the same bed and
ABO
same room I would be in, I told him I can’t I would be too uncomfortable I told him to come here and he’s
coming he spent 700+ to come here for four days to come see me to “prove to me he’s going to change
UT
and that this will never happen again” but I don’t know how he’s going to do that I. Such short time and
how he’s going to do that period. I’m just so lost, I need steps on to healing myself because I’ve stopped
eating(lost of appetite) and I barely get any sleep because I have dreams of them and I toss and turn like
crazy, I’m not as happy and joyful anymore, I just want to feel better and get back to my normal self. How
do I fix me? And how do I know that he’s not going to do this to me again?
Reply
Erin
I recently lost everything. I have been in a loving relationship for 5 yrs. My boyfriend was perfect. We
were best friends. We were mentally matched. We inspired eachother in our creative endeavors. We had
great chemistry. to personalize
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of my self worth and
the way I give and receive love is tied up in physical validation. We struggled with this issue as one of our
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only fights over the course of 3-4 yrs. I have begged and pleaded for him to work with me on this. I’ve
®
told him it’s what I need for happiness and security. He’s promised to therapy, to get his testosterone
checked, work out..etc. but basically done nothing to try and correct the problem. I have experienced so
FINDfrustration
much TELEHEALTH SELECT
and rejection over this. The last few A STATE I cheated on him. 3 times, with one person.
months
He is someone from my past that I used to fool around with. There was no romance, no love, no plan to
GET Just sex out of frustration and anger and an addiction to the feeling of being desired.( I am 31 and
leave.
in my prime and starting to think I would never experience that again.) I told him last week. At first he
HELP
seemed calm and slightly compassionate. He left for work and said he needed time to think. He
massaged me the next day saying he wasn’t ready to talk face to face yet but that he would let me know
LEAR
when he was. 5 days passed and no word. I asked If we could speak. He sent me an email. It outlined all
of his feelings around the betrayal, even acknowledgement of his part in rejecting me. Then at the end he
N
broke up with me and said he didn’t want me to contact him and he didn’t want a tearful goodbye. I am
devastated. Hysterical, inconsolable. The love of my life wouldn’t even hear me out, or let me apologize
FOR
to his face or consider forgiveness. We were so much more than that. Now I’m dealing with abandonment
and regret. I just want to be with him but he won’t respond. Is there anything I can do to try and save this?
PROF
After all this time and so much love?
Reply
ESSI
ONA
Laura
LS
Hi Erin. I am on the opposite side of the fence from you. But my experience is different. My
ABO
boyfriend who I was with for 2 years distanced himself from me. He asked for a break and then got
back with his child’s mother who he hasn’t been with for 10 years. What we had resonates with what
UT
you had with your partner we were a perfect match in every way. He went through a really tough
time. And like you are doing he is now begging me to take him back. My feelings for him haven’t
changed and I think time will tell me what I feel and want. I want nothing more than to be with him…
But like your partner my trust is gone. I am sure I will get it back. I won’t give up on him. Your
boyfriend will need some time to see what he wants. You just can’t turn that kind of love off. He
probably also doesn’t want to be perceived as stupid by his peers for taking you back as well. That’s
one of the most difficult parts x
Reply
Jason
Started dating a girl 6 months ago and she from the beginning has been warm and very sweet and
seemed very into me, and me very into her. Very passionate, she sent me cute text messages multiple
times a day and each time we were together she would text afterwards how amazing it felt to be with me.
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I had been hoping we would push the relationship a step further by seeing each other more, but she has
two kids and a busy job and I travel for work about 10 days a month. I noticed she seemed insecure at
times about me wanting the relationship in the past month. I have a bit of a quirky personality where my
FINDand
heart TELEHEALTH SELECT
intentions mean well but sometimes maybeA ISTATE
come off as hard to read. She invited me to a
wedding months ago and said the clothing was informal. Night before she texts me that its formal. My
GET
response I regret was “hey you will probably break up with me for this, but is it too late for you to ask a
friend to attend?” We talked immediately on the phone and it was an argument that I can explain as
HELP
follows: My point was, does it really matter if my shirt is tucked in, wearing formal clothing OR do you
really need me to be formally dressed? I don’t know why I didn’t just back off in that original argument, I
LEAR
guess I felt I should be accepted for who I am, that my presence with her at the wedding was what she
should deem most important. She says “NO” I dont want you to go, I dont want to have to deal with your
N
needs, your comfort, and its not about you, its their beautiful day, she says she is done talking and hangs
up. I go home and try on all my formal outfits and find one that I can wear and that doesnt fit too badly. I
FOR
call her about an hour after the first argument, I apologize and tell her that I made a huge mistake in
arguing about my clothing, she thanks me for the apology, but says she’s not taking me, even though I
PROF
said I could go, dress formally and had apologized. I took the next half hour trying to explain why I had
issue with formal tucked in clothing, I opened up about how I didn’t as attractive tucked in due to my
ESSI
waste line recently being larger due to water retention due to some medications I was on. I opened up to
this girl who had been my GF for about 6 months. She didnt seem to care, said no she wasnt taking me,
ONA
and just seemed angry and detached. I felt shocked that she could treat me this way, but I also felt so
much
LS
guilt for arguing in the first place. But her treatment of me stuck caused me to need about 24hrs
away. She texted after, that she was sorry for being rude and mean that she had her hopes up for me
attending
ABO and didnt want to be let down. I didnt understand given I had said I could go, and had
apologized. Next morning I turn my phone off and leave town for the day. Apparently she called around
noon
UT as she had changed her mind and wanted me to go. But I had left town. I email her from where I was
and tell her I was taking time to reflect on my behavior and how I could better react next time. But I speak
in my email using terms like “my partner”, I dont say “her” etc., I basically say that I want a partner that I
could have told her what the issue was and we come to an agreement that works for both of us. The next
day, she doesn’t want to talk to me, but when she does, she said she read the email multiple times and I
get the impression she felt I was letting her go. She said she needed to take two steps back, that she felt I
needed time to figure out what I want, etc. that she didnt like her emotional reaction to the argument and
had stopped listening to me and didnt care. She said she was glad I didnt attend the wedding and that
she had more fun without me being there. Next day she breaks up with me saying I am not in her future
plans, she does this via text. I call her and ask her why? She tells me not to make the breakup hard on
myself, she claims she feels fine and just wants to put it all behind her. She said she cried most of the day
before saying “I cant believe we at this point”. She said she felt things just weren’t important to me. I
assured her she was important to me. Next day, that night, she called leaves a crying voicemail that her
heart just cant give up on me yet, and wonders how I feel. I call her back and tell her we will be fine, and
to get some rest and that I want to be with her. She then a couple days later gets very wishy washy, I saw
her at Starbucks and I didnt realize she was trying to give me a hug and she took 15 minutes to convince
that I too wanted to hug her. She said she almost left, I mentioned that she has to stop
GETreacting
LISTED likeLOGIN
that,
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because I too had wanted to hug her, just in more private setting than in line at Starbucks, I explained I
wanted it to be a longer deep hug. I was so surprised how hard she was to convince that I wanted her.
She calls right after that meeting and says she wants to take me to Napa to be “us” again. Then texts
20mins later saying she is confused and doesnt know what she wants. I see her on Saturday night and
she holds me and says I feel great to her, but she seems distant. I leave for a week long work trip and
GET
ramp up my positive sweet texts to her and she just seems distant and not typical of herself, but just
gives me enough for me not to question things openly. She even on my Birthday while I was gone that
HELP
week said “I feel lucky to have you in my life”. I get home the next day and she breaks up with me and
says I am not in her future. I react with frustration and pain and tell her she is confused via text and never
LEAR
to contact me again. I give it a few days and reach out to her, she responds she finally realized that I am
not it for her short or long term. That was 6 days ago. In my heart I just get the feeling I let her down and
N
she wont give me a second chance. What advice do you have? I think we were just at that place where
things
FOR were going to deepen. She hadn’t yet told her kids we were dating and not yet introduced me to
family. She said breakups are hard when you have kids, and her kids were still attached to her ex
boyfriend,
PROF she had trouble telling them to move on. What do you think? What can I do? Is there a chance?
She just seemed so volitile at the end. I was so hurt by her breakup I sent her an email where I called her
character
ESSI into question for “misleading” me. I wasn’t nice at all, no name calling, I just let her know I
thought she was a fake. Pretty mean, because I felt hurt and duped and cheated. WE literally had a
wonderful
ONA six months before this one fight.
Reply
LS
ABO
Sandy
October
UT 22nd, 2015 at 11:35 AM
My best friend fell in love with me 2 years ago and I could not say yes then since I was moving on from
another guy. I asked him to move on but he didn’t. But now since the past 1 year I fell in love with him but
he says he fell out of love for me and doesn’t think we will ever work out. He wants to be friends. I am
unable to convince him otherwise. What can I do to atleast make him give us a chance at this? Talking
doesn’t help. I have tried already. How do I make him fall back in love?
Thank you
Reply
Karen
GoodTherapy
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got married.
®
We now live in 2 different states, we chat online, skype and spend at least once a week on the phone for
about 3-4 hours. we have talked about relationships, in particular his. He has walked away from all of
FINDHeTELEHEALTH
them. SELECT
is 6 yrs older than me and our longevity (hisAterm
STATE
for bucket list) clock is ticking.
He still puts a smile on face and makes me laugh. I find myself cautious about my feelings for him and
GET him really saying and based on our conversations, I am thinking his feelings are guarded as well.
without
I want so badly to see him, but I am so afraid to have that feeling of love again.
HELP
Reply
LEAR
N Sarah
FOR
My boyfriend and I have been dating for nine months. Our relationship started off rough and we broke up
one month in and he was rather cruel about it because he felt he couldn’t trust me(he has trust issues).
PROF
We ended up back together because I felt the relationship had potential besides what had happened
during our break up. Everything progressed nicely and I really liked him. But, when he would get angry he
ESSI
“blacks out” and get verbally abusive. i forgave him even though there were about four more episodes of
blacking out in which he called names and used some deep secrets I had told him against me. Eventually I
ONA
told him I’m done either the verbal abuse ends now or we stop dating. He stopped and has only done it
once since. We continued on fine after this, falling in love being all consumed by each other. But, as of
LS
these past few months I have had feelings of guilt because I feel I don’t love him anymore. he doesn’t
give me butterflies anymore and when we have deep conversations I don’t want to share my feelings or
ABO
tell him I love him because it feels like a lie. I don’t even enjoy being intimate with him anymore. But he
loves me so deeply I know that if I fixed myself we could have a life long relationship. We are now on a
UT
break and I am wondering if there is a way to get back the butterflies or if we have had too much of a
damaging relationship to ever repair it.
Reply
Kim
November 23rd, 2015 at 6:29 AM
I recently discovered that my husband of 15 years has been texting another woman all hours of the day
and night. He claims it is just an “intense friendship.” It doesn’t matter if that is true. I still feel betrayed at
the most basic level of the one person I trusted most in this world. I asked him to end this friendship in
order for me to move forward. He said he would. I reached out to him to let him know that I’m angry, but I
still love him. He then said he wanted time to think about whether he wants to continue our relationship.
He felt neglected by metoand
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the hurt and betrayal? We have 3 kids, and all of his comments seem so self-centered–like he’s not even
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considering his family. Of course, I don’t want him to stay out of duty, but I don’t understand how we’re
not even part of his choices. I don’t know how to get past this second betrayal so soon on the heals of the
first.
Reply
GET
HELP Shelly
December 1st, 2015 at 7:57 PM
LEAR
If you truly love him amd want to keep your relationship, so you must act quickly! It seems he’s
missing an important part of being in the relationship with you. I’ve had a very similar experience
N
when i was married with kids. Recently i found and tried a program called the language of desire. I
think if you look through and use the steps and tools they show you you may have the best chance
FOR
to get rid of any other desires he has about talking or being with anyone else.
Good luck, you’ve nothing to lose, but everything to gain.
PROF
Reply
ESSI
ONA Heather
LS
So what do I do if I have told my significant other of almost 7 years (2 children together 5 and 2) that I
think I’m not in love with him anymore but I still love him? We have been through A LOT in the time we
ABO
have been together and quite a good chunk of it hard, trying, tough tines. But there has been a lot of
good
UT
too. I think things have become so routine, expected and mundane that sexual interest on my end
pretty much stopped. So I didn’t always enjoy it when it did happen. Now after a few days of discussing
how I really feel about him and considering going our separate ways I realize I do still love him but things
have been said that he can’t get past. I wasn’t happy before but now I’m down right depressed and I don’t
think things will ever work put but I can’t imagine a life without him in it. But he says it’s because I’m
afraid of being alone. What can I do?
Reply
Kim
Hi Heather. I have read your post and was wondering how things are? Do you think it’s possible to
fall back in love with your Husband? I’m in a similar position but it’s my partner that has said she’s
not in love with me anymore. I hope you are ok, it’s so stressful!
Reply
Reply
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Bethel
®
FIND TELEHEALTH
December 17th, 2015 at 8:01 PM SELECT A STATE
I just couldn’t go away your web site prior to suggesting that I extremely enjoyed the standard
GET
information a person provide for your guests? Is gonna be again often to check up on new posts|
Reply
HELP
LEAR
HELP ME
N
Hi i really neeed help
FOR
Me and my girlfriend are in a long distance relationship we been together for a year and a month and
sometimes i ask myself am i losing feelings for her bc during the summer one day i got this weird feeling
PROF
in my chest and it wasnt a good feeling at all it made me question myself and my relationship bc i told
my gf i think im losing feelings bc the feeling didnt seem to go away and i felt really bad cause i think i
ESSI
hurt her .i left to go on vacation and we decided to go on a break so i could think the feeling kinda went
away
ONA but then again it didnt wen i got bac from vacation we started talkin again and sum weeks or
months later the feeling started coming bac its like a weight that on my chest or my chest is geting tight i
stillLS
dont know what it is till this day bc sometimes it comes and sometimes it goes and somtimes it
never goes away … What im trynna say is am i losing feelings for her? is this something else im going
through
ABO bc she hasnt done anything bad shes been there for me …also id like to know what is the true
meaning of love ?? How do you know when your in love?? Is it a feeling or no?? How do you know when
youUT
start to lose feelings?? Or if you dont love them anymore idk what to do i REALLY NEED HELP
someone please answers these questions for me bid really appreciate it and whats going in my chest…
Reply
sonia
hello,
i just wanted to know from the good doctor,
i have been with this guy since march last year overseas then when i got home we didnt stop being in
touch the whole year and this christmas he came with his mom. things were not perfect but the chemitry
was there, we had fun and now he has gone back home. we have established that we are now in a
relationship. how ever the problem i have is the age difference. he is 24 and i am 32, he know about it but
i cant help but feel that the age gap is too big. we get each other and are in love, even planning on the
future but inside when i think about it. i feel like im cheating him of his 20’s or that i’m not good enough
and am way too old for him. please can you help me GET LISTED LOGIN
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Reply
®

GET
Dear Sonia,
HELP
We here at GoodTherapy.org are not qualified to offer professional advice. However, if you would
LEARlike to talk about this or any other concern with a mental health professional, please feel free to
return to our homepage,

Nhttps://www.goodtherapy.org/
, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.
FOR
Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet
your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists
PROF
themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist.
ESSIWe are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone
number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.
ONAWe wish you the best in your search.
Kind regards,
LS

ABO
Reply
UT
Sandi
This is exactly where I/we are at. It took this article:
The Emotionally Distant Husband marriagemissions.com/the-emotionally-distant-husband/
for me to wake up, for me to finally have a thing I could point to without being told I was crazy or making
mountains out of molehills. I have been in this for 24 years. The emotional abuse began pretty much
immediately. I had always been a normal person but then my H and I met. It was so weird, I couldn’t
figure out what was going on and stayed that way until just months ago. I showed my husband The
Emotionally Distant Husband and he finally recognized what I had been talking about. He said he had
done all of that but he did it on steroids. He withdrew sex to the point of moving into the guest bedroom
where he stayed for over a decade. I have no idea how I am still here except for God wanting it so here I
am. And,uses
GoodTherapy apparently,
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couple sweet things but I do not trust. It s what we talked about a little bit yesterday. It s rather amusing
GET LISTED
how these steps outlined in the article are exactly, and I mean exactly, where I am today. Boy, God LOGIN
just
GoodTherapy ®
does His thing, doesn’t He? Anyway, to the person who wrote this article, Thank You. I sincerely hope you
don’t mind I posted a link to TEDH article. I just know that was what I needed to see and it may be what
others need as well.
Reply
GET
HELP
Mysterious
March
LEAR 8th, 2016 at 5:01 PM
I’m so lost…. :'( my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now. We have a son who will be 3 in
august
N and a daughter who is 9 months old. I work while he stays with our kids at home. He was mad
because I didn’t have a job when I was pregnant last year. I got a job, he got mad because he had to quit
FOR
his. He worked construction under a friend. In which he barely worked anyways.. I can’t make him happy,
he puts me down a lot, I always tell him to just be there for me when I’m feeling down but he makes me
PROF
feel like sh$t no matter what. He’s actually more selfish than I realized. Im pretty sure I fell out of love
with him. It was our anniversary the other day and he didn’t say or even do anything, so I didn’t remind
ESSI at 10 pm on valentine’s day I got a, oh it’s valentine’s day, happy valentine’s day babe, ha ha I beat
him…
you. I am in an awesome mood at work. The second I come home, I’m just not happy. I’ve been so down
ONA
and depressed lately I can’t even stand myself! I just, I don’t know if we need to break up, take a break, or
work harder. It seems like he doesn’t love me anymore and that he’s just not trying to save this
LS
relationship. Every other fight we have, he breaks up with me, annoying, and he calls me names that are
really hurtful. I don’t know what to do anymore!!!! :'( :'( :'(
ABO
Reply
UT
Queen V
I have been hurt so much that, some of the days I could actually feel the process of my heart as it breaks
into peace’s. And is by the same guy over and over because I keep on believing that he can change for 5
years now ,,,recently I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Reply
Fox
May 19th, 2016 at 9:06 PM
Hello Deb. 
There is girl analyze ourfor
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I asked her if she was
seeing another guy apart from me and she told me the truth that she dated a guy but she doesn’t fill
seeing another guy apart from me and she told me the truth that she dated a guy but she doesn t fill
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anything for this guy but all of a sudden this guy started worrying about and also asking me questions
®
about the girl I’m dating to be honest I didn’t tell the guy anything because I trust the girl I’m dating but
the guy she dated told me that the girl I’m dating told him I’m his friend but she doesn’t love me and I
said okay
FIND if that’s is the case then we will callSELECT
TELEHEALTH this girlAinSTATE
front of me and the guy we did that and when
she saw the guy she run away. I still love this girl and I want to give her another chance. Should I do that ?
GET
Reply
HELP
LEAR
Cindy
May 21st, 2016 at 12:18 AM
N ago I took up skiing went every week at local dry slopes. You ski with regulars over course of 2
4 years
years through talking got to know a man, we started seeing each other for lunch after ski session
FOR
everything moved slowly ended up going to bed. We have been seeing each other nearly two years..
Being both adults having feelings, emotions I am in love with this man he is married children are grown. I
PROF
only saw him when skiing only ever once did we go out for a meal in evening as he would need to give
reason for going out which wasn’t a problem! I told him this week that I am in love with him, something I
ESSI
wished I had never said, it seems that I’ve changed everything. I know and accept he is married, I
wouldn’t want his wife nor would I expect him to leave his wife because they have been together a long
ONA
time, I simply like what we have between us. Yes he has deep feelings for me and loves being with me.
For me saying those few words “I am in love with you” might have changed everything. I’m not sure why it
LS
needs to I fell in love with him since 6 months ago was not straight away we have been having a physical
relationship for nearly 2 years! But he says he feels guilty as he cannot give me more – which I accept, our
ABO
time together is lovely, it’s not only the sexual side, we get on really well we laugh, everything is great.
which is enough. I so wished I had NEVER said those words. Do men not expect feelings to develop over
UT
time, we are adults. What I can’t understand why things need to change now he knows?!!! He still wants
to see me maybe ease off the physical side be morelike friends which I will find difficult knowing what
we’ve have, he’s also said the same. I wished in my heart I had kept them words to myself, he knew I liked
him a lot. Do you think he needs time to digest. He is nearly 13 years older than me. He did in the past
have a affair with someone who worked for him. They finished but him & his wife and woman he was
seeing and her husband became friends after meeting at works do. They are only friends nothing more.
His wife to this day doesn’t know anything!
Reply
DC
May 22nd, 2016 at 9:11 AM
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we are verycookies.
loving to each
other and have a good relationship. We argue about money a lot which I think is probably normal for a lot
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of couples. Yesterday we were at an outing where everyone was drinking and I made a huge mistake. We
®
were with another couple who we are very good friends with. The other husband and I were joking
around. I had done him a favor by printing some flyers for him so I told him that he owed me. So when we
FIND
were allTELEHEALTH SELECT
together he kissed me saying that that A STATE
was my payment. And then later on in the day he kissed
me two more times. I should have stop him but I didn’t. And not because I liked it I thought it was funny
GET
and we were joking around. I really didn’t think that my husband we get upset but he did and was
completely embarrassed. He didn’t show it at the time but was discreetly trying to tell me that I needed
HELP
to chill out. But we were all drinking so I obviously wasn’t making good decisions. Then to make matters
worse later that evening I was trying to talk to him and he was ignoring me on purpose so to get his
LEAR
attention I told him that if he didn’t listen that he could pack his bags and go. That was the last straw for
him. Today we have talked about the situation and I understand that I totally humiliated him in front of
N
our friends plus numerous other people because we were at a club where he is a member. he is to the
point where he would get divorced. I have admitted my mistakes and apologize profusely. This is the first
FOR
time anything like this has ever happened so I feel upset that he would jump straight to getting a divorce.
I asked him what I could do to make up for it and he said “figure it out.” We talked about it a little and he
PROF
just keeps telling me to figure it out. But I’m at a loss on how to make up for something that is in the past
and cannot be changed. I told him I could make a public apology but then I think that just draws peoples
ESSI
attention to it that may not have realized anything was going on in the first place. I told him we could end
the friendship with the other couple but he doesn’t want to do that. I’ve told him that it will never happen
ONA
again. None of that is helping. What should I do?
Reply
LS
ABO
Rashawnda
UT
May 31st, 2016 at 11:57 PM
I Think My Boyfriend Is Cheating I Been Having This Feeling For Sometime Now I Been Going Through His
Phone I Don’t See Anything But I Also Know He Could Have Deleted It Idk I Have A Really Big Feeling He’s
Doing Something Behind My Back That I Don’t Know About And Also Lately If We Are On Bad Terms And
He Knows I’m Hurting And Upset He Goes To Sleep With Out Fixing The Problem And I Be The One Losing
Sleep I Really Need Some Advice.
Reply
C
June 20th, 2016 at 6:34 PM
Don’t make the same mistake I did. Instead of going through his phone without permission
(seriously??) just talk to him. It’s easy to see when people are lying. It looks like they’re trying too
hard. But a genuine person has a look in their eyes that can’t be faked, and a voice that’s full of love.
GoodTherapy ®
FINDanon
June 20th, 2016 at 6:48 PM
GET
I’m not sure if you see these comments anymore, but I’d like advice as the one who hurt the man I love.
Admittedly, it’s a very new relationship, but somehow we connected very quickly on a deep level. Sadly
HELP
that means we don’t know as much about the other as other couples would. While he’s been nothing but
open, honest, and loving, I managed to let my past color my view of him, and treated him in a way that
LEAR
would normally be directed toward my exes. Like in your article, I’ve realized I need to allow him space
and deal with what he’s feeling before we can take the next step. I know that he’s very hurt by my actions,
N
and it kills me that I’ve hurt him. At first I tried too hard to get him to talk to me, though I should have left
him alone.
FOR
Given that there’s no communication and all, this is where it gets tough. What do we, the ones feeling
repentant,
PROF do when we can’t do anything? I had shut myself off from dating for years, but he caught me
by surprise, and before I knew it, I was in love. I have done my best to be introspective and figure out
ESSI I need to change, and contemplate how I can be a better person. Not just for him, but to everyone
where
around me. If I hurt him, I’m sure my behavior could lead to hurting friends and family if I don’t change for
ONA
the better.
I suppose I’m worried about the future. The unknown. The actions I had taken that shook his confidence in
LS
me were very sudden, shocking, and I’m sure crushed him on a deeper level than I probably realize. While
I’m doing my best to have hope for us repairing the damage I caused, I’m lost on what to do when we do
ABO
talk again. The only things I can offer are apologize, asking for forgiveness, and asking for a chance to
show the best of me instead of my worst. While I feel terribly impulsive right now, I know patience is
UT
needed.
Reply
anon
July 4th, 2016 at 12:19 PM
Through lots of introspection, I’ve answered my own questions and concerns. While this article
confirmed a lot of what I’d felt to be true, it still helped. I gave him the space I knew he needed.
Because his confidence in me was shaken, me stepping back and letting him process things, it
helped. I finally contacted him a couple weeks after we quit talking, and we managed to have a
serious conversation. While nothing is fully repaired yet, I feel like we’ll be okay. We haven’t talked
too often, but these things take time. I’m just doing what I can to show him I’m serious about my
personal changes, and serious about a real future with him.
Reply
eply
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FIND TELEHEALTH
August 31st, 2016 at 6:22 PM SELECT A STATE
Well, here’s an update again. The relationship ended, but not because I did anything wrong. Of all
GET
things, my biggest fear and worst-case scenario actually was the truth. He was manipulative, and
probably a sociopath. After talking with a very close friend I’d come to see that he was toxic, made
HELP
things move too fast, and when something ticked him off, it actually triggered something oddly
hostile in him. He made ME feel like the person who did something wrong. I want to state that my
LEAR
actions/behavior was good, but in my case things were very odd and he wasn’t good for me.
NReply
FOR
Hunter R.
PROF
July 3rd, 2016 at 1:45 PM
I met my girlfriend during my senior year and her freshman year of college. We instantly clicked and were
ESSI
dating and involved romantically within a short amount of time. She was new to town and I had grown up
in the area we met, so I welcomed her into my family and showed her many things about the new area
ONA
she was living helping her adjust to her new transition.
LS
Everything was more than great, both of us were emotionally comfortable and deeply involved in our
school responsibilities, all while still devoting enough time to each other to make a great relationship.
ABO
Our responsibilities were laid out for us and there was no question about what we should be doing in life.
After a year, I graduated and had a great summer spending a lot of time with my girlfriend and seeing
UT
wonderful places all over the state.
Once winter rolled around, a feeling of discontentment that I have felt before returned to me involving
the satisfaction with my career as a musician and artist. I have been playing professionally as a musician
since I was 15 years old and have devoted SO much of my time and mental energy to improving and
pushing forward as a musician. While this form of profession has undeniably beautiful payouts (not
monetarily ;D) it often plagues me with a self critical view that nothing I make is quite good enough. My
girlfriend always told me that what I played and painted was beautiful but I still lacked contentment in
my life. I started to think that maybe it was the musicians and artists in my city that I surrounded myself
with that were not at the level of commitment and sincerity that I desired, and this led me to believe that
I could perhaps find this unreachable creative utopia in a different city.
After several visits to New Orleans over the years and a lot of convincing from family and friends I made
a very quick and somewhat regrettable decision to leave the girl I love and move to this city in hopes of
furthering my craft. My girlfriend knew something was up with me before I even told her my plan, and in
one brief conversation one morning without truly thinking it through I told her yes, I was moving and that
I was not Interested in a long distance relationship as I did not like the idea of long distance, and did not
as ot te ested a lo g d sta ce elat o s p as d d ot l e t e dea o lo g d sta ce, a d d d ot
know the pathway that this decision to move was leading me down. GET LISTED LOGIN
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This is my first move away from home and I suppose I was just rather immature and excited about the
whole process of having new life experiences and immersing myself in culture that I didn’t think about
theFIND TELEHEALTH
people SELECTthe
and things I would leave behind. During A STATE
month before I left, I kept in limited contact with
my girlfriend, respecting her desires not to see me as much, and had sort of a slow fall off of our
GET
relationship filled with many tearful nights and days up until the last night when we got dinner with my
family and kissed goodbye. The whole month I told her I didn’t want to leave her at all and that I loved
HELP
her to my core, and she told me that it was the best relationship she’s ever been in and that she will
always love me, but I continued to pack my belongings for some insane reason.
LEAR
It was one of the most confusing and hardest things I’ve ever done, wondering why I was causing myself
so much
N pain and leaving the first girl I have truly loved. I now find myself alone in a city with a music
scene and a state of physical well-being that in many ways turns me off more than the one I left. I
returned
FOR home to Denver after 2 months of being here on a tour with a band I linked up with and made
arrangements to meet up with my ex-girlfriend for lunch.
PROF
I told her how sorry I was that I left her without any discussion of me staying or continuing a long
distance relationship and told her that I would move back to be with her, but she refused saying that the
ESSI
way that I departed hurt her enough that she could no longer trust me as a partner. It hurt so much, but I
understand seeing from her point of view, and know that she has had past experiences of men leaving
ONA
her throughout her life, as her father left her when she was younger. She said that I proved many of her
suspicions about male’s behavior toward women to be true in my actions, and it hurt me to the core to
LS
think that I resembled her rotten father. I am now planning on returning home after my 4th month here in
New Orleans as it is not my place to thrive as a healthy human being and am in the process of dealing
ABO
with how my quick decisions have blown up right in my face leaving me alone and questionable about my
path as a musician.
UT
I have kept contact with my ex, but only talking maybe once every month as she does not want regular
contact, but says she wants to remain friends. Our four conversations have been long and we laugh and
joke like we used to, but I know the relationship has forever changed and she has stitched her heart back
together while mine is still raw. Confusingly enough, she has been meeting up with my family and friends
back home as they all adore her and she loves them and it makes me wonder why she is still keeping
contact with them.
I am understanding that relationships are a two-way street and in order to make them work and
reciprocate the love that your partner deserves you must first love yourself. I was lacking the love for
myself back home due to an extended stay in my comfort zone, and thought that I could find it by moving
and having my eyes opened to a different life, but have only pushed myself further back into my own
head upon entering a new town. I can feel myself emerging as a better human and lover slowly, and
know this this is not a wasted experience, but a necessary decision to learn who I am and what I truly
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With this time to reflect away from home I feel that I am approaching a phase where I can not be so
selfish and hard on myself and show my ex girlfriend the love and nurture her the way
GETthat she really
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needs. I suppose I still have strong hope that we can be partners again, as our intimate relationship was
so healthy and our personalities are so compatible, but I’m fearful that this is false hope and I’m knocking
on a door that has already been shut. I am trying my hardest and am beginning to change into a man that
sheFIND TELEHEALTH
would SELECT
want to be with, being comfortable A STATE
with my current state, getting out of my own head, and
realizing that it was not the place I was living in but rather an internal battle of being discontent with
GET
myself that led to our fall out.
IHELP
am very worried that this whole thing happened for some unforeseen reason and we aren’t meant to be
together in the end, but I truly love her am willing to try and fail to get her back many times to know that
I LEAR
have tried everything I could. Do you have any recommendations on how to go about re-gaining trust
from her? I am not the best communicator as you can tell and I know that that is one of the most
important
N things in a relationship. I will always regret the way I left her by herself back home, sacrificing
all the things about her I truly love for my own self absorbed adventure, but hey, we’re young and we
FORto live our lives a little right?
need
She is doing study abroad for 4 months coming up. She honestly knows I didn’t want to leave her but in
PROF
my head it was one or the other, although now I realize I could’ve had a long distance relationship and
made it work, I chose to venture out and break both of our hearts. I know we both need time to heal and
ESSI
8 months might not be enough, but I fear if I leave too much space and don’t try hard to get her back she
will move on and I will never be with her again.
ONA
Do you think there is hope for a reinvented lonesome cowboy of New Orleans? If I truly begin to love
LS and become a caring and devoted man to her, and tell her again how sorry I am about the way I
myself
carelessly handled our love? I know this is a case of not realizing what you have until it’s gone, but I
ABO
honestly realized what I had when we were together but was regrettably willing to risk it as I was
yearning for new life experience while I’m young. Any advice from you?
UT
Reply
anon
July 4th, 2016 at 12:15 PM
I feel like you could have summed this up by saying this: She’s a few years younger. You met in your
senior year. You’ve been a professional musician since you were 15, and decided to put your potential
career over a definite, solid relationship. She already had trust issues, you knew this, and you chose to
move because you felt your career as a musician was more important. If you realized your decision was
admittedly selfish, lead with that. But make sure you’ve learned your lesson before trying to pursue her
again. If your career really is more important, you’ll only hurt her again. Trust is easy to break, but difficult
to build back up. She was already rather fragile to begin with. It’ll take a lot of work to repair the damage
and builduses
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Krystal
®
July 14th, 2016 at 11:06 PM

My fiance and I have been together for about 7 years now and have two little ones. We both love each
other
GET and care for each other but as of lately I feel as if I’m falling out of love with him. Sometimes I feel
as though he feels the same but we don’t want to hurt each other and separate. We’ve both have hurt
each
HELPother emotionally and there’s always tension between us. Anything and everything sets us off to an
unnecessary fight and argument these days. These fights escalate so bad that it’s hard for us to calm
down.
LEAR After all the damage that he’s done to me I feel that I’m starting to resent him more and more. His
job demands for him to work out of town in short periods of time and we can never finish or come to an
agreement
N about much. He’s a very jealous guy since day one but I’ve accepted that about him because I
would love him and would hope he would heal and get past it. He’s learned to control him just a bit now
FOR
but there’s times where its redundant and I can’t deal with it. It drives me crazy that I cannot prove
absolutely everything to him that I’m faithful only to him. The result of his jealous issue I’ve become the
PROF because started noticing situations he would question or doubt me on he would do. Till this day I
same
haven’t caught him cheating on me or doing anything he wasn’t suppose to but it lingers through my
ESSIat times. Just because of the way he doubts me. For example he was working out of town and he
mind
stated that he had no service in the casino/area he was in and didn’t get in contact with me for few hours.
IfONA
that would’ve been me his jealous self would have left me. There was an instance where I had a
Facebook account after my younger brother tragically passed away for the sake of friends and family
LS
support. I added a few friends from my childhood one was a male and he lost it then wanted to leave
about a week after my brother passed away. Just for adding a childhood friend. I ended up just removing
ABO
everything and everyone from the Facebook account and gave him access to view it as he pleased. I had
no intent of even talking to this guy just added him because I knew him since I was a kid.
UT
That’s comes to another issue I have with our relationship while l every time I need him to be there for me
emotionally he manages to bail on me or argue with me because I come off as being mad to him. I’m the
type of person that I don’t really like to open up but with him being my best friend and fiance I always
thought I could. He can’t read my emotions at times and mostly assumes I’m mad for everything. I always
try to be there for him and wouldn’t desert him if he ever needs me. Since my brother’s passing
everything changed for me I changed. He dealt with my random emotions and violent acts of throwing or
breaking household things. At a point I had suicidal thoughts when I couldn’t make him believe that I
wasn’t with someone else. He would react and tell me he believed me. A few months after my brother
passing I became pregnant and controlled myself from acting anyway negative. I didn’t want to risk
losing someone else.
Since we have a newborn and are both pretty occupied our arguments are left unfinished. Then with him
working out of town with little time to talk it’s even more difficult. During our arguments it takes drastic
verbal damage for us to stop and realize. We’ve both have tried to stop each other from arguing but can
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There’s no doubt that I love him and want things to work between us but I really feel I resent him I resent
There s no doubt that I love him and want things to work between us but I really feel I resent him. I resent
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him to the point where I’m losing the love I have for him and I can’t help it. I don’t know what to do not to
®
long ago we had a weekend alone which was good but since he leaves for work and we barely talk it
doesn’t sustain me from this terrible feeling.
What
FINDcan I do or we do to get through this? I SELECT
TELEHEALTH want to AletSTATE
go of this resentment I have for him but when we
argue it all comes back. I’ve suggested therapy but he refuses.
GET
Reply
HELP
LEAR Kacie
DearNDrDeb,
Hi, I already know that you are going to tell me that I or we need to seek out a couples counselor. I have a
FOR
degree in psychology and I can’t figure this mess out! I married a wonderful man who would have given
me the world but unfortunately as soon as we married and came back from our honeymoon it seemed
PROF
like night and day. It seemed or I felt like it went from being ours,us,we to everything was his or “my
house” type of attitude. We have been divorced since 2007 and we still went back and forth trying to
ESSI
make it work but prior to getting married, I had called off a traditional church wedding (which case was
what his mother wanted to begin with/interfering in-laws) but back to the point. I called this wedding off
ONA
due to his drinking and drug use. I was fine with him drinking but not the HARD stuff. I made him tell his
parents & called the wedding off…so therefore we purchased a very nice home in April which we were
LS
supposed to be married prior to moving into our home but instead we married in May making the house
not marital property. And, I have a son and he was 5 when my ex & I started dating. My son is now almost
ABO
18. We had huge HUGE communication problems & I felt like I had read the book 500 tines and he was
still stuck on page 3. He/after cold-turkey stopping the drugs & drinking turned him into a person who I
UT
did not know anymore, at ALL! He started to act like his father. We live in the south & his mother/my
mother are very submissive women. I don’t like that. I went into this marriage expecting to be his partner
but instead I began to feel like his burden. We both decided together that I should quit my job at social
services because he made more than enough to support us & I only had a yr left to get my BSN. I started
to get extremely depressed and I have always been an anxious person but it all got worse after feeling
like I had made a huge mistake. He became verbally abusive and it then reached to a physical point
towards the end. I called the cop’s on him the last time in 2010-ish and because I was represented by the
DA’s office and he had hired an attorney the deal was sealed as soon as he hired an attorney. His parents
think that everything was/is & always has been my fault. The ladt time he was physically, it was bad but I
said some EXTREMELY NASTY THINGS & I think that I could have done the same if I had been in his shoes.
I hit below the belt a lot but I can own the fact that I took him for granted but he also took me for
granted. He is always right but we have been talking since May 2 of this yr as I called and wished him a
Happy Birthday but I also wanted to apologize for my own personal wrongdoing because I moved on to
another guy/guys whiletowe
personalize content
were seperated. and
I was ads to provide
self-sabotaging & Ibetter services
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& I felt traffic.
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father was a guy who I
loved very much, had been together for 5 yrs and he left before I was even 3 mths pregnant. I know that I
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have built up a forcefield around me out of fear and I have grown and realize that loving someone is a
®
choice. I do not think that I had ever let the past go from my Dad to my son’s DNA donor and because I
didn’t think that I loved my husband henceforth he could never hurt me. Well, we’ve been on 2 vacations
FIND TELEHEALTH
together SELECT
within the last 2 mths and I have been in myAold
STATE
home and have stayed over a few nights, now
but not many……After we went to the beach the 1st time ,I basically wrote him a novel (10 yrs of things
GET
that I have wanted to say & I wasn’t begging for any type of relationship but he must have taken it the
wrong way) I laughed it off & explained that those were things that I have waited yrs to speak about & he
HELP
responded vaguely and stated…”I think we are just better off as friends and I am sorry that we had sex
while we were at the beach!” Seriously? I told him that I may have just used him for sex but I am finding
LEAR
that I do still care very much for him & I never treated him with respect or appreciation. I screwed up &
have TRULY tried to tell him how I felt betrayed by him because of the drinking/drugs and I was not going
N
to come 2nd to a beer! I also, have a temper & it stems from hurt feelings and I can admit that I reacted
instead of having a mature response and when I want to talk about thing’s I wanted to discuss it then, not
FOR
wait but since we’ve both grown up…I realize that he is a man that I do want to try and see if we can work
it out….otherwise I am not just going to be an ex-wife who comes over eats & has sex with a man if this is
PROF
not going anywhere for us both. He has admitted that he does indeed still love me but in my gut I know
that it is his parents and some other family members who have probably forbid him to ever see or talk to
ESSI
me ever again. Also, the in-laws payed my car off & that was the deal to get a quick divorce. I thought it
was VERY MUCH FAIR considering that I could have made him divide everything in half and he would
ONA
have had to pay for my attorney as well as pay me alimony but I am not stupid enough to think money or
material thing’s make you happy but apparently $$$ is the cause of his parents hatred towards me and
LS
the fact that he will avoid the whole truth. He will disclose his side to make anyone but himself look bad.
He likes to feel needed but I can feel his distance at time’s and I know that I hurt him but he hurt me too
ABO
in several ways and I have owned it. And he keeps saying that he wishes that the REALLY bad physical
fight would have never happened & I was living there again but was moving my things out because it was
UT
obvious that it wasn’t working & he sat in the court room and stated that he was just storing my things for
me and I only had some clothes there because I was there based off of a purely sexual relationship. His
mother laughed at me in that courtroom & she always gave unsolicited advice and I am not fond if that,
AT ALL! I will ask if I need help…and his parents had to approve the house we bought! Okay, they are a 3rd
party problem but has he became complacent in being single because he has some newer friends now
and refers to a 48 yr old man as his BFF, weird to me but whatever & I also told him that I wanted to pay
his parents back the 17,000 & he asked why…I told him that ithe was because I thought it was the right
thing to do but it is because I am going to prove to them that I did not marry their son for money. I didn’t
even want to buy that expensive house because I knew I’d be in school and I didn’t want him to become
financially overwhelmed bit what do I know? Thanks for your time in advance & I know that if this goes
further we will need therapy TOGETHER
Reply
DrDeb
DrDeb
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Hi Kacie, Well, your letter is pretty long, but I do want to make a few comments to the first 1/3 of it,
which I read. 1. The fact that you have a degree in psychology doesn’t mean that you don’t have
FIND TELEHEALTH
feelings! SELECT
And feelings, understanding one’s ownAand
STATE
where they come from, is often hard to do
because the origin could be painful. In fact, research shows that people in the therapy professions
GET
often have had painful childhoods so they go into these fields to better understand themselves as
well as out of compassion for others who may be suffering in a similar way. Therefore, while the
HELP
degree will be a big help on the intellectual end of figuring out everything, the help the counselor
gives is an emotionally safe and wise place to look at, heal, and improve feelings. 2. So if a person
LEAR
has been drinking and certainly using drugs, it means they, too, have been hurt in some way. It is
necessary for a couple to understand this and this problem should be healed before marriage. That,
N
too, usually takes therapy. 3. Not all therapists are created equal. You need a therapist who is wise
and mature and non-judgmental, preferably one who recognizes both the impact of the past and the
FOR
impact of one’s present context. Usually systemic family therapists at a doctoral level would be best
for the kind of situation you describe. 4. Please keep a lookout for my course which is meant to be
PROF
taken online in the next few months addressing these very subjects. If you sign up for my newsletter
(which I have temporarily stopped) on my website you will hear more about it.
ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS
Raquel
September
ABO 2nd, 2016 at 4:32 AM
Hi guys,
Here
UTis my story. We were in a relationship for 3 years and a half. We had a lot of fun and great moments
spent together. But there always have been discussions. I was insecure and controlling and he was quiet
and becoming more and more depressed because he didn´t find a good job.
He started to believe his only chance was going to France. I tried to stop him and even sent CVs for him
here in Portugal without telling him. He always told me he didn´t want to lose me and would do
everything for us to be together very often and that this would be temporary (2 years) and then would
come back and we’d have a kid (!) Despite all this, I didn’t support him. We kept fighting because he didn
´t spend enough time with me, sometimes he preferred to be alone than to come to my friend’s birthday
parties or because he insisted on wearing a hat that looked so bad.
I know how terrible my behavior has been. I know. I tried to tell him but now he says our break up has
nothing to do with me. He says he just isn’t in love with me anymore and that he wants to be alone. He
told me this 2, 5 months ago but a week after that he called me (it was a great festivity in our town that
we usually celebrated together) and it was amazing! We laughed and danced and celebrated with friends.
But after that he said he wanted to be alone again.
This happened two more times until I decided to book my holidays with a girl friend of mine (he was
always telling me I should be independent…) He seemed glad I made that decision but after that he told
me he couldn’t take it any longer and that he needed to be alone. We were three weeks
GET not talking.LOGIN
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He contacted me 10 days before going to France to look for a job. I gave him my support and said I hoped
everything would be alright. He seemed very hopeful and focused on succeeding there. He told me we’ve
had great moments and maybe we’d still have more in the future, that maybe the flame of passion would
ignite again… We slept together and it was wonderful, amazing as it always is. I know this is controversial
but the chemistry that we share is so great and it never disappears, not even during our crisis. In those
GET
moments we don’t argue, just love and cherish each other and I’m able to feel the enormous attraction,
love and devotion he feels for me and I feel for him.
HELP
He contacted me right after his arrival in France. After that we talked 3 or 4 times (I contacted him Via
Msn as usual and he answers immediately). He keeps motivated and trying to succeed there. I try to tell
LEAR
him I’m doing fine, I keep busy and having a social life. One night he asked me to install Skype so that he
could see me… He told me he misses me even though we are not in a relationship, he keeps repeating
N
how beautiful I am… We ended up doing “virtual sex”… I know maybe this is controversial but I feel good
inFOR
having this strong connection with him and I like to know that he feels attracted to me and not to
anyone else.
My question is: How can we move from here? Should I wait him to contact me or should I make the move
PROF
and give him my support? I’d love to talk to him everyday as we used to, but I avoid doing that….How can
I show
ESSI him that I’m different, that I’m not needy or controlling anymore?
Please help me!

ONA
Thank you so much.
Clara
LS
Reply
ABO
UT DrDeb
September 2nd, 2016 at 10:15 AM
Hi Clara
First, I congratulate you on your self-awareness. The majority of people wouldn’t recognize if they’d been
controlling or needy. Second, I think it takes courage to admit all this, especially in public. But I do have a
question: How do you know for certain that you wouldn’t relapse into those same behaviors if he gave
you a full and complete chance? You can’t just say, “Because I know.” That wouldn’t be strong enough for
him. And I do believe from your description that he is also insecure. The fact that he is back and forth with
you tells me that. Actually, that is the good part. If he were too secure, he would not have contacted you
again. I would suggest you work on your insecurities so as to assure yourself — and him — that you will
never backslide if you are together. For example, perhaps you would like to say affirmations every day.
Perhaps you’d like to imagine the worst-case scenario and allow yourself (in your imagination) to handle
it more maturely than you would have in the past. Then, you can share with him just exactly how you are
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September 2nd, 2016 at 2:35 PM SELECT A STATE
Thank you so much for hearing and understanding me! I will change those behaviours. I think I’ve
GETbeen showing them that I’ve changed, but I think he believes I’m only acting like this because we’re
not in a relationship. I don’t know how to prove him that I won’t be like this anymore. I also don’t
HELPknow if I should contact him. Won’t he be too secure or bored? Or should I wait that he does it. I fear
that we’ll be several days without talking because he doesn’t have this need to talk that I do and
LEAR
also maybe he feels that if he contacts me he’s giving me a hope that he’s not sure of. What should I
do?
N
Thank you so much for your help
FORClara
Reply
PROF
ESSI
DrDeb
ONA
Hi Clara,
LS
If you have a need to talk, then you are still insecure. This makes sense: security is something
that is not just behavior, but feelings about oneself at the core. Therefore, the best thing for
ABO
you to do is work on gaining security and self love. This may require therapy or through
exercises in a course (such as the one I will be bringing out in about 2 months) or self-help
UT
books.
Ashley
Hello,
Please give me some advice. My heart and brain are on two different levels right now. My fiance and I
have been together for 6 years now. We started as friends in high school, had sex, and I got pregnant. We
stayed together for the baby but I lost him when I was 5 months. A couple months later he cheated on me
with his ex fiance. I was very hurt and confused but after long talks we decided to stay together and move
with his parents to a new state, thousands of miles away from my family. To give us a new start and to
find jobs. He was still talking to his ex fiance after we moved. She was claiming he had a son. I told him I
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that as long as it
j tf i d W th d f il f h I ’t ti hi t d thi W ll I
was just friends. We are thousands of miles away from her I wasn’t expecting him to do anything. Well I
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found out about a month later, that they were phone sexting. Talking dirty to each other and sending
®
nude pictures back and forth. I considered that cheating on me as well. I was going to end the
relationship but he opened up to me and admitted he had a problem. He didn’t know what his problem
FIND
was, he TELEHEALTH
didn’t like the fact of him cheating onSELECT A he
me, and STATE
didn’t want to lose me. So we stayed together
again, and talked about counseling but we never went through on the idea. He lost all contact with his ex
GET Blocked her on Facebook. Everything was great again for 2 years. Until this past July. He got a cdl
fiance.
license and started a trucking job. I am very proud of him for getting a great job and more money for our
HELPand to save for the future. Unfortunately the job requires very long hauls. He is gone 4 to 6 weeks
bills
and only home for 3 to 5 days. The first time i got to see him for a week. But the second time, after seeing
LEAR
him for only 3 days and him leaving again for the job, I blew up over the phone with him. I want him home
more. I want him to talk to his boss. He was very upset and angry with me and he thought we were
N
breaking up. He decided while he was in his truck to start a dating profile. He started talking to a 22 year
old in South Dakota through Skype. They talked as friends at first but then started showing each other
FOR
there naughty areas. One of his stops was a couple hours away from her house, she drove to him and they
had sex in the cab of his truck. They had sex twice. And she was a virgin. He did use a condom. And she
PROF
drove back home. He got time off and came home to me a month after he cheated on me for the third
time. He didn’t tell me about this girl. I found her on his Skype. And he opened up to me again and told
ESSI
me pieces at a time. It took 3 weeks for him to tell me the entire story. He said he just wanted to forget
about it and not hurt me by not telling me. But he still talks to her as a “friend”. I don’t think I can trust
ONA
him anymore but I do love him very very much. He also admitted to me that we wants to have sex with
other women but he still wants me as well. I don’t know what to do here. He says he has a sexual
LS
problem. He watches porn all the time and masterbates up to 6 times a day. He wants to be with me but
he thinks he will cheat on me again and again. He has already talked to his job about coming home more
ABO
and he has scheduled an appointment with a therapy counselor. But my questions here are, do you think
therapy will help in our situation? Can I ever trust him again? Or am I just too stupid to see that he is
UT
playing me and toying with my emotions? Can he really have a sex/hormone problem? Or does it seem
like he just wants to do other women? My brain tells me to stop trying and let him go, but my heart, even
though he has broken it three times now, tells me to not give up on him and to keep loving him. He has
been and so far will always be the one for me. Please comment me back and give me some advice. Thank
you. -Ashley
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Ashley
He clearly does have a problem, as he admitted a few years ago. He needs specialized counseling
GoodTherapy usesaddiction.
for sex cookies toHepersonalize content
also must feel and
unloved adsbottom
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like this traffic.
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sitepain.
you consent to our cookies.
So the therapist he goes to cannot
be someone who just listens and says, “Uh-hun. And how do you feel about that?” The therapist
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must be more directive and more active; perhaps a cognitive-behavioral person or a systemic family
therapist. You can check the GoodTherapy.org directory for someone in your area here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html
FIND
. IfTELEHEALTH SELECT
you’re unable to locate someone near A STATE
you, you could also try aamft.org. He needs to show you
that he is actively in therapy. If you go on the first visit with him (which is common practice for
GET
marriage & family therapists) and insist on no confidentiality restrictions, then you will be able to
know if he shows up at his sessions and is making progress.
HELP
Reply
LEAR
N James
FOR
Hello, I just read this article and it really resonated with me and has given me some much needed hope. I
have been married to my beautiful wife for 15 years and we have two wonderful daughters. Someone
PROF
looking at our life from the outside would think we have it all; a beautiful family, two successful careers, a
nice home and great friends. However, right now I am in so much pain. In July of 2015 my wife told me she
ESSI
no longer loves me and has lost the passion and the intimacy. She has felt like this for about 3 years but
was afraid to tell me. There was never any abuse, cheating or major fighting in our relationship we just
ONA
sort of drifted apart and life got in the way and we didn’t focus on nurturing our relationship. When my
wife told me, I was devestated but I knew I wanted to try and fix the relationship. Looking back on it now
LS
I can see how we both failed to nurture and care for our marriage. For the past year I have been doing
everything I can to be supportive, kind and understanding. I help with the kids a lot more, I am helpful
ABO
with the household responsibilities and I now try and plan meaningful dates for us. I used to do this when
weUT
were first married but over time stopped….I don’t have a good reason why. My wife has just started an
executive MBA which involves travel and I am 100% behind her in making sure she is successful. I look
after the kids and help give her the time she needs to study. In a weird way I am hoping this will bring is
closer. It will give me an opportunity to show her that I am there for her and support her even when
things get stressful with school work. Over the year there have been some good times but also bad times
where I panic, start to really worry and spiral into a depression. I worry that it’s too little too late. I’ve
been able to rebound each time but it is interfering with our recovery. Since June of 2016 we have been
seeing a marriage counsellor and that has helped somewhat. We went on a summer vacation with her
parents this year and she said she was really impressed with how I was around her parents and I was
different in a good way, so that was a step forward. She has said she now feels supported by me, which is
different than before, but still no passion or intimacy. I am willing to wait as long as it takes, but it has
been over a year and the feelings just aren’t there for my wife and I think she is starting to worry that they
will never come back and wants to quit. I keep telling her that it takes time and maybe the feelings of
support will lead to more feelings, at least I hope so. My question is how long does it normally take? I
know I have to be strong and not breakdown but am wondering if it normally takes 2 years or even
longer? Thank you for writing the article because it has given me a lot of hope and I long for the day
when my wife and I have a solid supportive relationship again. GET LISTED LOGIN
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Reply
®

Jack
GET
Hi Dr. Deb
HELP
My ex and I are only 20 years old and we had a relationship for about one and a half years. I had a
girlfriend the first time I met her and the relationship with my then-girfriend wasn’t going anywhere. I
LEAR
spent a lot of time with my now-ex and realized that she was more marriage material than my then-
girlfriend, so I broke up with her and got with my ex 3 months later. We started off the relationship really
N
happy with each other. We lived together, slept together, and had sex, which was passionate at first. As
time went on we started becoming emotionally abusive to each other, i.e. threatening to commit suicide if
FOR
we left each other and on my part I hurt her in several instances by pretending to be mad at her to take
advantage of her head-over-heels status for me. I eventually grew out of that, or so I thought. Even
PROF
though we had a lot of happy times after that, we started arguing about a lot of things, the arguments
getting
ESSI
pettier as the relationship started to end. I also would get angry at her for little things and I
emotionally hurt her every time we fought. I stopped living with her about a week and a half before she
broke
ONA up with me because I wanted her to have some space because I thought she needed to mature,
When she did break up with me she said she was happier without me and was a completely different
person
LS when I was gone. I was angry at her at first then went to begging all in the course of the same
day. After a day of feeling so heartbroken and finally turning to God for the matter, I sent her a message
saying
ABO I realized what I was doing to her. I realized I was being abusive and selfish in the relationship and
I wanted to be a better person for her. My friend recently told me that she felt bad that she felt great
without
UT me and wanted to eventually have a discussion with me (with time). I know that she most likely
will be happier without me since I caused so much damage to her, but I really want another shot at
becoming the only one she loves. I want to give her a supportive relationship like I used to give her but I
don’t know where to start. I want to change the person I am not because I want to go back with her, but
because I really need to change and I’m hoping that with those changes she can learn to trust me. But I
don’t know what to do.
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Jack,
I firmly believe that a person cannot love another person when they don’t love themself. The neediness
and the abuse all lead me to think that the self-love is missing and may be missing from your gf as well.
To change the person you are, you would have to stop the abusive behavior but also stop the needy and
victim feelings that underlie it. For an inexpensive solution, perhaps you would like to read
GET my book
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which is available on Amazon – The Healing Is Mutual. Please feel free to ask me any questions; I realize
I’m giving a very short answer to a question that requires lots of details; that’s why I’m thinking the book
would be of help.
Reply
GET
HELP
Jack
LEARSeptember 26th, 2016 at 9:42 AM
She actually texted me yesterday (I haven’t responded) and partly came clean on why we broke up.
NShe said a lot of little things added up between us and that she started compromising herself to be
with me and we both ended up completely different people in a bad way. She’s working on herself
FORnow and I’m doing the same. I’d be lying if I still didn’t think she’s the one for me, but it’s ultimately
flawed reasoning because the people we become may not be meant for each other. Not to mention
PROFthat if I’m thinking she’s the best possible girl I can be with, the next girl, whether it be her or
another, will be ten times better. I am happy for her and she’s happy for me. She’s open to becoming
ESSIfriends eventually and she even said she would probably need at the very least a year to even
consider getting back together, but that’s ok. The relationship didn’t end up with me stalking her or
ONAhating her and I think that’s a sign of maturity. We’re only 20 years old so we’ve got so much
growing up to do and I recognize that now. Thanks for the advice Dr. Deb! I’m humbled that you
LSresponded to me and your words ring ever true to me and should to everyone working on a
relationship.
ABO
Don’t settle for the person you are because you’re in a relationship. Always work on improving
yourself and showing the other person you want them in your life rather than need them. Then at
UT
that point you just gotta see if you’re compatible with each other. If you are, then you’re probably
meant for each other.
Reply
Shay
Hi Dr Deb,
I have been with my partner for almost a year now. I am 26 and he is 28 years old. When we first met I fell
for him instantly. The comfortability we had with each other was phenomenal! Same interests similar
upbringings and he really is just a sweet genuine guy. We were literally inseparable from the first day we
met and have been ever since. Now I know love is serious but we were serious, even though we haven’t
been together as long as others our relationship blossomed straight away. 5 months into the relationship
I found out he was messaging other girls when we were only dating for 3 months, when I confronted him
about it he begged and pleaded and after a couple of days apart we spoke about it. He
GETinformed
LISTED me that
LOGIN
GoodTherapy ®
he wasn’t truly into me at that time and even though he was the first person to say ‘I Love You’ he
admitted that he didn’t truly love me until after all the messages to other girls as he realised it was wrong
and he wanted to be with me. I have been loyal to him from the start and I chose to forgive him as I was
tired of running away from every relationship and wanted to know if I was strong enough to keep loving
him. I helped him concur some of his demons and even helped him break an alcohol addiction (Which I
GET
didn’t pick up his addiction until later on in our relationship). It worked out well he changed completely
and we were even more madly and deeply in love. Until… The past month, it has been torturous for both
HELP
of us. He had picked up his drinking problem again and although not as bad as the start it was starting to
affect
LEAR our relationship. We were both becoming distant and have both attempted to break up with each
other but could not as we both still truly care for each other. The other night was the last straw. He had
come
N home drunk, posted negativity about me on social media and from that post received a message to
his phone at 5am in the morning. So I decided to read it. It was from a girl I asked him not to talk to or
hang
FORwith, when going through the messages he was telling her that he was becoming distant from me
and was starting to like her and wanted to hang out with her. Lucky for me she was decent and told him
sympathetically
PROF she didn’t want anything to do with dramas and that she hopes it works out for us. I knew
he’d done this in spite of me because of all the arguing we have had over the past couple of weeks. We
had a huge fight and I told him this was the last straw, we were both becoming distant from each other.
ESSI
Although I have valid reasons for it he could not give me a good enough reason except for his own
selfishness.
ONA Regardless we were both feeling it. We discussed our relationship, talked about breaking up
but both decided although we were becoming distant we both still love each other and want to fight for
theLS
future we were both working towards together with each other. He has promised to try again to fight
his drinking problem and I believe he can do it more than he believes himself. I have always known his
potential
ABO and know deep down he is a genuine person which is why I am trying to make it work. Although
being a part the past couple of days I’m not feeling the love I had for him before, I feel its fading and
UTthough I know I want him in my life I can’t fight the urge that I think I’m slowly losing feelings but I
even
don’t want to let him go. My question is: Can my feelings slowly grow if I decide to truly forgive and try to
move forward? How much should a person fight before realising that it’s time to let go? I have never
wanted to fight for something more in my life as our relationship was close to perfect. Am I crazy for
trying so hard?
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Shay,
It is not at all about “moving forward.” Actually, your bf has to take a good look backward. He will NEVER
get past his drinking if he doesn’t 100% come to love himself in spite of his past demons. I do not believe
this can be accomplished without outside help. Doctors cannot treat their families and neither can
lawyers, so you can’t convince me that you, alone, helped him conquer his demons. The proof is the
la ye s, so you ca t co ce e t at you, alo e, elped co que s de o s. e p oo s t e
GETYou
drinking and nonsense didn’t stop. He needs professional help as well as AA meetings. LISTED
should LOGIN
go to
GoodTherapy ®
AlAnon to learn more, too. The forgiveness has to wait til the healing is done and therapy and meetings
are the solution.
FIND TELEHEALTH
Reply SELECT A STATE
GET
Shay
HELP
LEARHi Dr Deb,
No you’re right sorry I should have been a little more specific. I alone didn’t help him try to stop his
N
drinking it was with the help from a doctor which was a bit of a wake up call for him. Regardless he
needs help, I know that and He knows that. That is something he will have to work on.
FOR
Thank you Dr for your response.
PROF
Reply
ESSI
Lynn
ONA
My LS
boyfriend and I were together for 4 and a half years when I was anonymously sent a link to an ad he
posted in the personals section looking for casual sex. That was the worst 2 weeks of my life. My instincts
didn’t
ABO tell him to leave, even after learning about the strangers he met over the course of our
relationship. It has been nearly a year and I continue to have good and bad days. I have no desire to leave
theUT
relationship. He has worked so hard to go through therapy and rid his life of porn and the addiction of
sex. My love for him is deep, and sometimes the pain mirrors that so much that I feel lost and stuck. I
keep worrying that the love I had for him is gone and it will never be the same. I am trying to stay
connected to this relationship and give it the effort it deserves. He really is a good man. I don’t see
myself with anyone else.
Reply
James H
Hi Dr. Deb, I added a comment on September 7th, 2016. An update to my story is that for a while my wife
and I were doing really well and then the bottom fell out. She is now talking separation and I think it is a
really bad idea. I think the whole problem is that I am not patient enough and am constantly “checking in”
with her too see if progress is being made. This is frustrating her and causing her to give up hope. I am
trying my best not to worry but it’s hard. I think I’m getting/am depressed and will be going to a doctor
t y g y best ot to o y but t s a d. t gett g/a dep essed a d ll be go g to a docto
GET LISTED
for help on Friday. Do you have any suggestions or help you can provide? Should I agree to the LOGIN
GoodTherapy
separation? Thank you for your time.
Reply
®
GET
DrDeb
HELP October 20th, 2016 at 7:09 PM
I am missing a whole lot of information that would take you, literally, hours to fill me in on in order to
answer
LEAR your question properly. What I can say definitely is that if you learn mindfulness, it will be more
powerful than medication to reduce your stress levels and depression.
N
Reply
FOR
PROF
DrDeb
October 21st, 2016 at 10:51 AM
HiESSI
Bronny,
There are a couple of things in your letter that deserve a closer look. First, you say you are now in love
ONAsomeone and realize it (someone you’ve hurt before). My response to that is: Okay, and what
with
happens in 2 years when your dopamine goes down and the seratonin levels go up again? That is, when
LS takes its course and the excitement of first love changes to the more natural state of normal
nature
closeness and bonding? See, if you decide what you want to do with a relationship based on a feeling of
ABO in love, then you are in for trouble. FIRST you have to be sure this person is the right person for you
being
based on who he really is, the good, the bad, the ugly. Because we are all imperfect here. THEN you can
UT
permit yourself to enjoy the excitement of falling in love. Otherwise, you are liable to not like something
about this person and hurt him again. Second of all, I don’t know what you mean by “I’ve worked through
my issues.” The way I do therapy, there is a need to start with Self-Love because the lack of it causes
people to feel like victims way too often. So I give people tools for this such as affirmations and guided
imagery. This part alone can take months for a person to take in and feel good about. Then of course,
there is learning to express your needs and tell the difference between your needs and wants. That is the
Assertive part of my work with people. Finally, in your case, since you were brave enough and honest
enough to admit you hurt him in the past, you would also need to learn exactly what is abuse and why it
hurts; you might need some work in putting yourself in his shoes, telling how he feels. This, too, is a lot of
work. All in all, my intake sheets tell people this can all take up to two years of therapy. I have developed
a very intense course in all of this which will shorten the process, but the bottom line is that until you
have gone through what I describe above, you haven’t really worked through these past issues. Therefore,
it would be natural for him to be skeptical of your changes if you haven’t done this (you don’t indicate
what youuses
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kim
®

my story sounds very similar to alot of those ive read on the page, i recently felt my husband was
different,
GET We’ve been married 5 years and together doe 11 years. We dated since we were 18. Just recently,
he went drinking with his friends, and he seemed depressed and distant, though he was going through
some
HELP crisis. As he drew away from me , I confronted him to what was really wrong with him, he told me
he fell out of love with me.

LEAR
Our relationship have always been, very mellow, we give each other our freedom and space. He is a
musician and loves to perform on stage with his band. He than confessed to have very strong feelings for
N
the band singer.
No physical affair happened, but he told me he had a strong connection to her like he never felt with me.
FOR a little inside, i could not take the reality of the things he said. I was so broken inside I didnt know
I died
what to do. After a few days, he said he wanted to work on the marriage and that our child and me is
PROF
important to him.
But I feel like he is just doing it for responsibility , that deep down inside he is not happy. Im miserable
ESSI
here, feel so sad daily. sometimes crying myself to sleep and asking what happen to us….everytime i face
him, i would hear the words he say….sadness really overwhelms me. I’m so heartbroken I dont know if i
ONA
should let him go…i cannot go on feeling this way.I used to be a happy go lucky person. Now im
depressed
LS and my self esteem have dropped rock bottom. I feel that he really no longer cares, he would
stay late with friends drinking, I really think is to escape the reality that he cant be with the love of his
life.
ABO ….should i just let him go, i told him if he wants he can just leave.Knowing that I would be so lost….i
still would let him go to have his happiness
UT
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Kim,
It is normal for people to be attracted to someone of the opposite sex whom they don’t know very well.
Why is that? It’s because we were all blessed with great imaginations. It’s precisely when we DON’T know
someone very well that we allow our imaginations to fill in the blanks. It’s so much fun because that way
we create — only in our minds — the ideal person to be attracted to. And we all know very well that
once reality sets in and we live together a while, that person, whaddayknow, has flaws! So that is what
happened with your husband. And he does not know how to get back to the place he would prefer to be
— with you as a family, but in love as well. Well, there is a way. Do not give up. Find a very good
therapist, a person trained in systemic therapy who only does marriage counseling. This person is tasked
with the challenge of getting each of you to open up your deepest (positive) feelings but also your fears,
anxieties, all of it. Because when you do that, you’ve created true intimacy. And that GET
draws you together.
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But he has to give up his thoughts about this other person. Also read my article on the 36 Questions. It
works.
Reply
GET
Charity G
HELP
I truly hurt my boyfriend by texting and flirting continually and lying covering it up and deleting
LEAR
messages.I told him I was sorry I needed outside validation to feel good about myself but I’m working on
doing better because I don’t want to hurt him and I truly love him and could have a great future together.i
N
need help .I’m going in circles,this pain I’m feeling now ,is how I know he felt everytime I lied .I can’t take
it FOR
back but I’m willing to do the work because he’s worth it.
Reply
PROF
ESSI
Ashley B.
November
ONA 30th, 2016 at 9:15 PM
My boyfriend and I have been together for three years, until about 5 months ago. He had been texting
andLSflirting with other women via social media. The first time I found out he begged for me to take him
back. I was very hesitant to do so but I did anyway. However, after that I developed some major trust
issues.
ABO It was to a point where I began to question everything he did and started looking through his
phone every so often (which I know I should not have done). After that I would find little things here and
there
UT and would bring them to his attention. Eventually, I discovered that his actions did not change. We
lived together for a moment but that environment became tense. Communication was strained and it was
like we were walking on eggshells when we were around each other. He expected me to be over my
issues but I was trying to get him to realize that rebuilding trust wasn’t going to be done in a hurry. After I
discovered some more of his hurtful ways with communicating with other women I moved out. Every
since then I’ve been focusing on myself and allowing myself to heal. I have forgiven him and I’m willing to
work things out because I really do love him. He is not a bad person at all, and I believe that his mistakes
are just a manifestation of his past. He had a rough upbringing and there was no solid male figure in his
life to teach him how to really love. I’m not trying to make an excuse for his actions but I know that may
have played a role in all of this. I’ve been made aware of the changes that I needed to make to be a better
woman, in general, and I am ready to move forward. On the other hand, he seems to be stuck in a pity
party. It’s like he’s stalling to even try to make progress. I had completely cut him off to intimacy because
it did not seem fair to me to allow him that side of me and we weren’t even together. He didn’t seem to
like that very much. He expected me to do the “girlfriend” things and he would try to pick a bone with me
about it by insinuating that I was seeing someone else or I didn’t love him like I said I did. That eventually
died down and now we barely talk. He texts me every day, telling me to have a wonderful day and that he
y y y g y
GET of
loves me. He even communicates with my mom still and tells her that he still has a goal LISTED LOGIN
marrying me.
GoodTherapy ®
My mom still loves him (and she is a very tough cookie) and I’m still very close to his family. However, this
strained friendship (which isn’t even a friendship to me because we hardly talk or hang out or do anything
that friends do) is kind of frustrating. I expected that after three years, and his wrongdoing, that he would
be a little more apt to showing me that he truly does want to be with me but it seems like he doesn’t.
When
GET we do communicate a little it’s always about the same things: school and work. He makes it seem
like he’s too busy for me now. I’m not sure if he’s going through an insecure/inadequate/embarrased
phase
HELP but I don’t know how much longer I should give him. I’m giving him another chance and the ball is
in his court but it’s like he’s not even trying to bite at the opportunity. I continue to pray for his healing
and I told him that I would be here for him if he needed anything . I would think that he would see how
LEAR
much I still love him and forgive him despite his wrongs through my actions but I don’t even know at this
point.
N He has plenty of friends and family that he can talk to (even older male friends that he said he
looks up to) , and many of them have talked to him about our situation, but I don’t know if he truly has
listened
FOR to them. He seems to be in selfish state of mind and that’s okay, but don’t call me friend or tell
others that you still want to marry me and don’t even act like it. I’m just ready to move on but I really
really
PROF do love him. I’m at the point where I’ve completely decided to leave him alone. I don’t feel the need
to initiate contact anymore. I will only do so if he texts me first, and even then I keep my responses short
and sweet. However, speaking of texts, he used to text me first thing in the morning. Now, I won’t hear
ESSI
from him until almost the end of the day and that’s it. I’m just ready to move on. I’ve already lost a lot this
year
ONAand life is too short to go through all of this. I really do love him and I really do want my best friend
back but I just don’t know what else I can do. All I’ve been doing is focusing on bettering myself in the
LS
meantime. But do I stay or do I go? Please help me Dr. Deb!
Reply
ABO
UT
Ann S
I’ve been with my husband for 26 years. We were high school sweethearts. I believe my husband is
bipolar. It runs in his family, the one time we sought counciling they suggested it after the 1st hour, and
when he’s “good” he’ll even admit to the possibility. Literally the day after we were married he was a
completely different person. He was very emotionally and verbally abusive for a long time. Then he’d be
fine. During my 1st pregnancy and after giving birth to my 2nd child he had emotional affairs. To my
knowledge neither ever became physical, but the pain wasn’t any less. Because of his issues, I feel like I
am on a constant roller coaster ride. I love my husband so very much, but honestly couldn’t give you a
long list of reasons why. It just is. He, and therefore we, has been fine for the last several years, but is
now going through it again. Unfortunately with social media, he’s brought it to a whole new level. He has
basically told the world, our friends and family including my children that he has no respect for me and I
don’t even
GoodTherapy matter
uses as a to
cookies person and it hurts.
personalize My son
content andhas
adssaid
to who is this
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for father.
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analyze that he By
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continuing I don’t
use this siteknow if I can ortoshould
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on this Part of me says he’s just gone too far this time Part of me says how do you walk from a man
on this. Part of me says he s just gone too far this time. Part of me says how do you walk from a man
you’ve loved for so long. GET LISTED LOGIN
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®

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HELPDear Ann,
Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of what you are experiencing. GoodTherapy.org is
LEAR
not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. It may be helpful to
work through your feelings and concerns with a qualified and compassionate mental health
N
professional, even if you seek help on your own.
FORYou can find a therapist or counselor in your area by using our website. Enter your ZIP code here to
find a list of professionals in your area:
PROFhttps://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html
If you ever feel you or your children are in danger, please contact local law enforcement or visit your
ESSI
nearest emergency room immediately.
ONAHere is a list of crisis resources that may be helpful:

LS
You can find more information about bipolar on this page:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/bipolar
ABO
If you would like to learn more about intimate partner abuse, please visit this page:
UThttps://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/domestic-violence
Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.
Kind regards,
Reply
Betty
Hi there,
This article really hit home. Any advice would be amazing. I feel lost and sad.
My boyfriend of 2 years has left me. We recently just moved across the country together. I previously had
a relationship where I was cheated on numerous times in the past. Unfortunately, I never completed those
grievances. I started to distrust my new partner and it snowballed. I was so full of anger and pain, I didn’t
see my mistreatment of him. He said he hit his breaking point and he needed to leave the relationship. I
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know he loves me, as he said leaving was not a matter of love but a matter of being healthy.
I am so sad and feeling so guilty. I never meant to mistreat my partner. He is a wonderful consious man
and very independent. He started to distance himself from me, which made me cling even more in
FIND TELEHEALTH
desperation. SELECT
I have started councilling and will A STATE
continue with that. I have to move out of our place this
week. I’m contemplating Whether to move back home, or move in with a friend. I know he is staying in
GET
this new place. He is so full of resentment and anger towards me. He doesn’t want me to talk to him.
Any advice?
HELP
Reply
LEAR
N Kathleen J.
FOR
Good Morning. Hi Dr. Deb. I need some help. I have been married for almost 11 years, next month. I
recently discovered my husband has been talking to another women over the internet, through video
PROF
chats, and text messaging on his phone. I confronted him about it and the other women. They both told
the truth. They never met each other in person, but met over a social media website. They have been
ESSI
talking for about a month and they both ended the contact, because first the other woman, was not
aware he was married, so once she found out, she no longer wanted anything from him. He admitted to
ONA
me anything I asked him about his relations with this other woman. He stated he did it for emotional
comfort.
LS He told me that he feels I do not respect him, I am mean to him, I do not show a nurturing side
to him, and he said since he works so hard (he has a construction job) He should be able to come home,
with
ABOno fussing or accusations. But at the same time, a woman’s intuition is always right. I HAVE
disrespected him, and isolated myself from him because I KNEW he was doing something, with someone
on UT
the side. I just didn’t have the evidence. But it is all out in the open now. I am extremely hurt by this
man. I have never cheated on him, nor have I tried to hurt him the way he has truly hurt me. I don’t know
what to do anymore. I am not sure if I should actual give counseling a try or just let him go once and for
all. Not only that, we have two children together. I feel hurt, angry, resentful, disgusted, sad, depressed.
So many emotions, and I don’t know what to do. We shook hands, and said to each other, we will try to
do marriage counseling and I have contacted a counselor, and I am in the process of setting up our first
appointment. In the meantime, I am showing him respect and trying to be as nice as I can. But I do not
want him to touch me period. Not until we can start counseling and actually get some help with our
relationship. But I really feel like I am at a fork in my life, I don’t know if I should just let him go or hold on
and try to fix things…….any help would be appreciated. Thank you.
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Kathleen, Generally it’s the case that both people in a marriage contribute in some way
GET to its downfall.
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It’s important not to point fingers but rather to look at oneself. Sure, what he did was wrong. And
whatever it was you did (if anything) may not have been as wrong. However, it is healthiest if each person
can take responsibility for their share. That said, if you were disrespectful because you knew something
was going on, then right there you have something to think about – you were not assertive. Being
disrespectful is not putting on the table what is bothering you. So I think the counseling should be a good
GET
move provided the counselor doesn’t just say “mhm” but actually has tools and opens you up to further
thoughts.
HELP
Reply
LEAR
N
Kathleen J.
FOR
Thank you so much. I feel you are absolutely right. ;)
PROFReply
ESSI
DrDeb
ONA
January 1st, 2017 at 8:15 AM
LS Great. So I wish you a healthier and happier new year than in the past, Kathleen.
ABO
UT
DrDeb
Hi Betty, This situation may be your wake-up call to take care of yourself. Counseling for the past pain
and how you handle it would be very good. If it works well for you then this experience may be a blessing
in disguise. If the love was real, then after say 6 months of real work on yourself you will be a different
person. As such, he will see the difference. But don’t chase him now – take care of yourself first.
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Ann, You yourself can’t figure out why you love him. So perhaps it is not love but neediness? If so, then
counseling to build up your self esteem and self love is in order.
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GoodTherapy Craig
®
December 31st, 2016 at 8:25 PM

Hello DrDeb,
GETI left comment here before about my ex girlfriend who got pregnant for her best friend while we
were together. I dont like to talked about my previous comment on this issue. Right now, what
HELPhappened within the last 2 wks was that she said not to call her anymore. Of course i never did. She
is the one ALWAYS calling and texting after warning me not to call her. So she said same thing over
LEARa month ago and I respect that. Suddenly she called me 2 weeks ago on Thursday at 6PM but i didnt
answer. Few mins later she showed up at my house. I did not expect this. She came for one thing as
Nusual MONEY. I gave her little i could unfortunately despite the fact that i vowed not to give her
anymore. Few days later, she updated her facebook status saying “papi got me like (with love signs).
FORThis was very early in the morning. Of course she has been living this type of comment but i usually
ignored. But this, i couldnt. So responded and lashed at her for games she played. That she played
PROFme with my money taking care of her and her baby. she quickly deleted her status and called me
right away but i didnt answer. She text and lashed at me and said:
ESSI
“you are not my man. If you dont give me money anymore, someone else will..bla bla bla”
ONAThis is the lady i took care of even before she got pregnant for someone and i continued doing so
till her baby almost 2yrs old. She is very ungrateful. Note that i do not call her. She is the one doing
LSall that. As much as I love her, she’s making me sick. If i dont answer her call, she shows up at my
door. I cant move bcus i own my house. She is taking money from me but goes home and sleep with
ABOher baby father who doesnt give her fig leaf. She said they broke up which i wasn’t too sure. They
might but not as much as i thought. She said again after sending her msg on facebook not to call her
UTanymore. I can guarantee you she’s gonna call soon and her calls makes no meaning to me
anymore. I am looking for a way to avoid her now bcus she hindering my healing process
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Craig
You are clear that your ex- is using you but you fall into the trap again and again. You must not
put yourself down for doing this. You are a good-hearted person and you hate to see someone
suffer. When you fall into this trap again, remind yourself, “I am a good person! That is why I
reach out to her when she is needy.” This accomplishes two things: 1. It reminds you that you
are, indeed, a good person so you should not blame yourself for helping her, and 2. It reminds
you that she is needy; she doesn’t have her act together: She is not strong enough to stand on
her ow in this world, both economically and emotionally.
y y
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®

February 23rd, 2017 at 9:41 PM
GET Hello again Dr. Deb,

I hope you would recollect my situation about my ex using ($$) me to her advantage and i have
HELP told you how she talked to me irresponsibly?. We haven’t talked since mid-January. I see
absolutely no reason to keep up conversation with her anymore. Matter of fact, i deleted her
LEAR number from my contact. That automatically erased “special ring tone” attributed to her
contact. Out of blue she called me this Monday February 20 early in the morning on my way to
N work. I noticed it is her number but i did not answer. She left text message which i read hours
later. She asked if her “friend” could come live with me temporarily. I know her game. To the
FOR best of my knowledge, “friend” could actually mean herself. She may may trying a way to get
my attention. So i ignored her text until 2 days later and replied “No”. Few hours later, I
PROF received strange email from “Sarah” “saying I have been calling you why you not picking my
call??????”. My instinct tells me straight up she’s the one parading under different email. But i
ESSI had to reply to know who “sarah” is by asking “who is this” but no reply since then. my concern
is, if “Sarah” happens to be my ex, how should i go about this this time?. She’s obviously not in
ONA good shape where is she right now but i am definitely not falling for another trap. I have seen
brief conversation on fb saying that she’s not in good terms with her baby father. But can she
LS just leave me alone and move on with her life rather than torturing me emotionally?. I do love
her still but I am tired of back and forth. I it obvious to me she’s not gonna let me be.
ABO
Any advice please?
UT
Anaya D
January 1st, 2017 at 6:28 PM
Dear Dr. Deb,
This was an extremely helpful article. I wish I were at a place in my marriage where I’d be willing to give it
an attempt. I have lost respect for my spouse for many reasons. Namely the way he makes me feel; past
abuse, disappointments and dishonesty. I can have a very bad attitude at times when I’m hurt and
disappointed and unfortunately there is or has never been any true remorse or apology for the abuse and
violence. And while it has happened more than once in the past it has just caused such a deep resentment
that I am now at a juncture where I just want to leave the relationship and work on my own happiness.
We have 2 children and a third in the way and I’ve stayed this long because I didn’t want to break up my
family even though I knew this relationship wasn’t right. I feel lost and helpless and this point and
struggle with whether I’m doing the right thing by leaving. My husband trivializes my feelings and says
things like if it were that bad you would have left a long time ago. I just hopped things would change but
g y g g j pp g g
I’ve come to realize that I can only change myself. I choose to love myself and to aimGET
for LISTED
my own LOGIN
GoodTherapy ®a question is how bad does it have to be until it’s okay to

happiness. I guess my question of there is
decide to leave. I mean I know what I need and what I need to do but it is all consuming and confusing.
Reply
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Adarkwa
HELP
January 1st, 2017 at 9:31 PM
Hi Deb, I met my girlfriend during freshman year in college. She is beautiful, smart and just an amazing
LEAR
human being overall. I see a future with her and she means the world to me. She is basically my
everything
N because I have no family in the states so I did everything with her. From getting my first out of
college job to moving into my first apartment. Before we started dating, we were really good friends and
have
FORa lot in common. We started dating after she got out of a 3 year relationship in which the guy
cheated on her. We dated for 2 years and it just ended after she found out I cheated on her a year ago in
2015
PROFwhile on vacation in Germany. It should had never happened and I did not tell her about it because I
was too scared to loose her and I was scared I was gonna hurt and betray our trust. She broke up with me
because
ESSI she is deeply hurt and betrayed . I have apologized to her but with each passing day I feel like
she is beginning to hate and resent me for what I did to her. She said she still loves me but does not want
anything
ONA to do with me anymore. She said anytime she sees me she thinks of the woman I cheated with
because she saw a picture of us on my phone from the messages she discovered. It has been two months
andLSI am depressed. I cannot seem to focus on anything. I love her so much the pain I have caused her
hurts me too. I cried all through the holiday season. I love this girl with all my heart and I did not mean to
ABOher. I cannot see a life without her and I will give everything to right my wrongs just to have her with
hurt
me again. I want to rebuild trust for her to fall in love with me again, I know it will take time. At this point
I doUTnot know what to do. I want her back and I know its going to be a process. In my search for
answers/help I found your blog. I have changed and I am working on myself to be a better man for her if
she decides to give us a chance again. Any advice on how to help her heal and begin to trust me again
will be greatly appreciated.
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Adarkwa
Before you can help her heal, the REAL question that bothers me is why you even cheated at all if
you really love her. My experience with that problem is this: People who cheat when they really love
someone
GoodTherapy else literally
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what is in the moment rather than count on something long term Is this you? Is this the reason you
what is in the moment rather than count on something long term. Is this you? Is this the reason you
cheated? If so, THIS is the healing you must first work on. Therapy will help. MyGET
newLISTED LOGIN
course will
GoodTherapy ®
most likely help. You can look at the introduction on my website 3 Keys to a Spectacular Marriage.
Reply
GET
Adarkwa
HELP January 23rd, 2017 at 8:13 PM
Hi DrDeb,
LEAR Thank you for your response. I will check out your new course. I strongly believe life will be
good to me. I also believe I will find true love (which I did with her). After careful self reflection
N and evaluation, I cheated because I was ambivalent at the very beginning of our relationship
and this is why. I dated 3 women in the past, got cheated on in all 3 while I remained faithful to
FOR each one of them. When I started dating my girlfriend, she went back to her ex and they
kissed. I only know this because she told me. I was disappointed and thought this was going to
PROF end up just like my previous 3 experiences. I forgave her because we had been friends for 3
years so we had a solid foundation. I felt I could trust her enough to give her the chance to
ESSI show me if this was going to be different. Over the course of our relationship we will talk
about our future plans and how we see ourselves ending up together. However, whenever we
ONA had these discussions, she always mentioned how she had the same plans with her ex and how
things turned out. Her response discouraged me. I stayed with her because I love her more
LS
than words can express and wanted to show her this was going to be different. When the
cheating happened, I did not go out looking to cheat or meet someone else. The advances
ABO
came from the other woman and its shameful to say that I did not resist it at the time because I
was still emotionally conflicted given all that had happened. Months after it happened, I went
UT
through I tough time in my life and my girlfriend stood by me and helped me. It was then I
realized how much she loves me and it dawn on me how bad I had messed up. I could not bring
myself to confess to her because I was scared of her reaction and the outcome so I tucked it
away and love her the way she deserved to be loved going forward. We had a great year in
2016 with lots of great memories. I turned down advances from other women, showed her
texts and even went as far as giving her my phone passcode and keys to my apartment. I did
this to prove to her and myself that I love her and she was enough for me and although I had
made a mistake in the past , I wanted to be with her and her exclusively. She recently went
through my phone after she saw a text from one of my ex. Before that, I had told her my ex
contacted me and I was transparent about the details of our conversation. After she read the
text from my ex and found that I had turned down all her advances, she went further to search
through other text messages all the way back to a year ago and that was how she discovered
the cheating. I had stayed faithful since that mistake and did all I could to build trust and be as
opened to personalize
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She is an amazing woman and I love her dearly Our dark past has affected us both and I wish
She is an amazing woman and I love her dearly. Our dark past has affected us both and I wish
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GoodTherapy
there was a way we could both get pass this hurdle and rebuild our trust for each other. Your
®
expertise would be greatly appreciated.
GET
IDK WHAT TO DO... HELP
HELP
My husband and I have been together for 11 years. We had our first child when I was 17, he was 19, and our
second child 4 years later. He is the first person I have ever been in love with. Our problems began after 3
LEAR of being together he cheated on me because he got mad at me so I broke up with him, but the
months
next day I found out I was pregnant, and truly wanted nothing more than to be with him. So after a week
N parents seeing how miserable I was at home they let me move in with him, and when I went there it
of my
felt like he didn’t want me there (he did not even help me unload my things) but I didn’t care he was all I
FOR
wanted. The next several years were disastrous, now that I’m really looking back on them, he was little
help with our first child, he always disrespected me in front of people, talked down to me, my requests
PROF
didn’t matter, and he had a terrible temper, he would break things and put holes in walls, but at least he
never put his hands on me. He just treated me like crap with little remorse, but I dismissed it because I
ESSI
was still head over heals in love with him. the disrespect continued and many other emotionally
damaging things happened over the next several years. After we were together for about 2 or 3 years
ONA
when I threatened to leave he cried and begged apologized etc. but he kept doing things that broke my
heart. Every time I got my hopes up that he was changing reality would slap me in the face. I think my
LS
turning point was about 5 years ago I noticed an extreme change in his behavior and attitude towards
me, investigated why, and found out he was texting and calling several different girls while he was
ABO
working out of town, my body started shaking, I cried and cried and cried, I had no control over my
emotions. He was on a flight when I found out so he couldn’t answer the phone so I just text him “We’re
UT
done” He called me as soon as he was off of the plane screaming at me telling how I’m stupid because he
thought i was mad about him not answering the phone while he was on his flight. Once he calmed down I
was finally able to tell him why I sent that text. He immediately broke down crying, pleading, etc. saying
it was nothing, they meant nothing, but this ripped my heart out. I was so angry and hurt I couldn’t touch
him for months because images of him sleeping with other people instantly popped into my head. When
he touched me I felt disgusted and thought how can this man possibly love me. I was now suspicious of
everything I should’ve been a private investigator because the amount of time I spent checking up on him,
where he was, who he was with, etc. consumed me. I can’t say it was all bad though he is an amazing
father to our children, he has always loved me, and he changed a little every time and that always gave
me hope. However, he is not a dumb person so a mistake he made in the past would not likely be
repeated so was he just getting more slick each time? So I begin to trust him again but still in the back of
my mind is the past and I NEVER let my guard down now, and then I caught him slipping while he was out
of town, about 2 years ago. I did not go into a fit of rage like I did for the prior incident. I remained calm
GoodTherapy uses
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time. He is calm, he usually gets angry when I confront him with things like this, he tells me you didn’t do
®
anything to deserve this, I’m done I won’t do it again. This was the turning point for him from that
moment on I witnessed an amazing transformation in his honesty and his love for me, I trust him more
FIND
than TELEHEALTH
I ever have. Over our 11 year relationshipSELECT A STATE him grow into the man I wanted him to be
I have watched
the whole time he is now loyal, honest, less temperamental, and shows me more love than I could ever
GET
ask for but it took more than 9 years for this to happen and I often find myself treating him the way he
treated me for so many years. I no longer appreciate little improvements, all of the things that would
HELP
have meant so little to me years ago are now major issues. Ex: he takes his clothes off when he walks in
and just leaves them, he drinks something and just leaves it there, getting him to take out the trash is not
LEAR
worth it I do it 99% of the time, he doesn’t feel the need to keep himself up so that I am attracted to him
and i’m talking about something as simple as a haircut here not going to the gym and turning his beer gut
N
into abs. I do everything for my husband and do my best to keep him happy I cook homemade meals
every night he is home, I make his plate, I pick up his plate, I scratch and rub his back almost nightly, and
FOR
we have sex often (always have). I, to this day, spoil him but making him happy no longer brings me joy I
just do it because I always have. I find myself constantly looking at other men, and acknowledge them
PROF
when they look at me and have considered just taking the leap and giving into my desires. I just don’t
have it in me to cheat on him though because I can’t bring myself to cause him that pain. I just feel tired
ESSI
like the fight in me is gone and I just don’t care if it works out or not. When he gets mad at me and says
mean things it doesn’t even hurt anymore I just ignore him or laugh about it, I haven’t cried over our
ONA
fights in a long time. He tells me all the time that I don’t love him anymore and I’m starting to see why.
I’ve never stopped showing him affection and we are intimate but it isn’t genuine. When our wedding
LS
song comes on he always wants to slow dance and he tears up but I feel nothing. I love him and always
will but I want to feel the same way I did when it all began but I just don’t and I just can’t, I’ve tried for so
ABO
long to get that spark back but I think the damage is done and i’m beyond the point of recovery here. Am
I crazy for trying, Should I end it now, Should I continue trying to get it back, Does this happen to other
UT
couples? I’m so lost. I don’t want to hurt him, I do love him but I don’t think i’m in love with him anymore.
Reply
DrDeb
Hi IDK
You ask what to do. Do you notice an interesting pattern? – When you were in love with him, he was
not in love with you. When he changed and became loyal, then you were not in love with him. I
believe this happens to couples who are genuinely terrified of intimacy. By intimacy, I do not mean
sex. I really mean intimacy: Sharing your soul. So the way to avoid that is to always keep a barrier of
some kind between you. Yet, of course, there is an equal fear of being alone, so the couple sets up
“rules” just like the one you and your hubby seem to have: don’t leave, but don’t be too close either.

Usually this will happen when the couple comes from homes of abuse, neglect, abandonment, or
unpredictability. Researchers in Attachment Theory call this ambivalent or fearful attachment. If this
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may be what is going on, then therapy to start to feel good about yourselves, deep inside and also
to learn to trust the ones you love so well that you CAN open up to who you really are is the ticket.
An outside fling will not heal what hurts inside.
Reply
GET
HELP Sean
LEAR
hello Dr.
I have been with my wife for 13 years. We went to high school together, where i teased her a lot. When we
N
reconnected she was in a bad place, dating a mutual friend who was already in a serious relationship, and
a polygamous arrangement with a married couple. We fell in love and she broke from those two
FOR
relationships, but I think I must have harbored resentment from that dificult transition that took a year,
because our relationship has been stressed. She has been like my teenage daughter who can do no right.
PROF
I critique her and put her down until she began Drinking. Then we both argued more and things turned
physical on one occasion when I hurt her finger during a huge drunken argument in the car. She says she
ESSI
hated ma, and was afraid to hate her husband, she felt she was walking on egg shels and all that, then
this summer she tells me she is DONE! The next day she began an online relationship with an old high-
ONA
school fling from India (we went to boarding school), their relationship was very sexual and they
exchanged
LS pictures and videos, I was aware of the whole thing and read and saw everything. This crushed
me and I found it difficult to function (began drinking heavily). She told me we were not together
anymore
ABO and I should find somone else, I didnt want to but eventually I ended up in a one night stand
after missing my train after the bar and sleeping at a new acquaintances house. Now that her sexual
exploration
UT with this person is over (it only lasted the summer) we are trying to make things work
because we have 2 children 3 and 9. She says that even though I have changed she is afraid to fall in love
with me again. She still talk to her friend from India and that drives me crazy, she feels bad because his
wife ended his marriage when I told her about our the nature of our spouses relationship.
I want to make things better, but I have been hurt most recently. It makes it hard to work toward
reconciliation when she gives me little but fleeting hope and she still talks to Mr. perfect over in India. I
will never give up but I could use some ideas, I have attended counseling and quit drinking, but she is
very resistant to individual or eventual couples counseling.
Thanks
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Sean,
What did you learn in your counseling? That’s important because change cannot beLISTED
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in a
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case like this. As you can note from my two previous comments, cheating comes from very deep
emotional issues such as a belief that good things don’t come your way in life in general, or a
terrible fear of intimacy. So, to me, the only time a person who has cheated can say they “changed”
is when these issues are A. understood clearly, B. dealt with emotionally, C and the person has new
tools for coping when the bad feelings come over them.
GET
Reply
HELP
LEAR kellsfam
N
DrDeb – I am thrilled to see that you continue to actively monitor this post. You’re message is inspiring
although
FOR
challenging to me. I have been married for 14 years to someone who is emotionally unavailable.
We produced 3 kids, bought and sold homes, built a business and when I went through a major
depressive
PROF episode 3 years ago he didn’t even notice! I knew he was unavailable unemotionally based on
my 3 pregnancies (no support and no excitement, no nothing – he is a robot) but had conditioned myself
toESSI
accept that until I realized that in my most fragile state I had no one. I still get very emotional jut
thinking back to my most vulnerable states and how alone I was. I have been significantly more vocal
with
ONAhim about my concerns over the last 2 years and I am making little progress. Just today, he decided
to call a therapist. I told him I don’t love him anymore…. I feel nothing in his presence, I feel regret for
letting
LS 14 years of my life pass by while enduring someone who has no feelings. p.s he has no
relationships with anyone. seriously. nobody. We have 3 kids and a confirtable lifestyle which are the only
reasons
ABO I am still here. Can I really learn fall in love with this person again? perhaps even for the first
time. I’m not even sure I loved him when I married him now.
UT
Reply
DrDeb
Hi Kells
Yes, it would be possible to fall in love with this man provided you have a highly skilled therapist or
perhaps you both take my course. You see, he is blocked from his feelings because that is his
SAFETY zone. With proper therapy, he will be able to be more of himself, someone you can connect
to. This is provided he is willing to go in that direction.
Reply
johnanalyze our traffic. By continuing to use this site you consent to our cookies.
January 29th, 2017 at 9:41 AM GET LISTED LOGIN
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DrDeb, ®
My girlfriend recently left me and I cant seem to get over it. We were together for about 6 months and
both genuinely loved one another even though it was a short time. We fell madly in love and talked all
the time about getting married etc etc. At about 4 months in, I ran into my ex and she asked me questions
I could
GET not answer like “what does this new girl do that I didnt” and “do you love her” to make a long
story short, I told her that I didnt love her anymore, and never really did, and she FREAKED OUT! She
went
HELP on Facebook and messaged my girlfriend and told her that we saw each other and had sex, but we
didnt. My girlfriend had been cheated on in her last relationship and she did not believe me when I told
her it didnt happen. It ruined everything. We would go a few days or a week being normal but it always
LEAR
came up, and to be honest she never TRULY believed me. She left me for a month and then came back,
admitted
N she had been with someone else, and I didnt care. I mean I cared but I told myself that if thats
what needed to happen for her to feel better than so be it. We tried to make it work but it was never the
same.
FOR Constant fighting. Her going crazy telling me just to admit it and tell the truth. To the point where I
almost just said that I had cheated when I didnt. She ended up just blocking my number and refuses to
speak
PROF to me at this point. I dont know what to do. I want nothing more than to go back to what we had
but she is too mad. Whats odd to me is that it seems like she grew madder and madder over time, when I
assumed
ESSI it would get better. She is literally more angry about it now then she was when she first got the
message. What should I do? I want her back but she is just not in a place right now where she can be with
me.
ONAThe entire thing has made me crazy and depressed. Ive been drinking a lot and feeling so sad and
overall not ok. Is there anyway that the relationship could work again and if so how?
LS
Reply
ABO
UT
DrDeb
February 1st, 2017 at 7:12 AM
Hi John
So this is what I get out of your story. First, you picked a VERY insecure girl. So insecure that she did
not believe enough in HERSELF as a person to have true love in her life. Otherwise, she would not
have needed to lie to your new gf. Do you see that? But now, your new gf is also insecure because of
what happened to her in the past. Her sense of security, her trust in herself that she is a great
person cannot come from you. It can only come from herself. She needs some help from the outside
with this. Next, it makes me wonder about what is it in you that picks two insecure women? I really
don’t think this situation requires something that you can “do” to fix it. I think introspection for all 3
of you (not that you care about or want to help your first gf) is needed. May I recommend a video on
my own website called 3 keys to a spectacular marriage?
Reply
Raquel GET LISTED LOGIN
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Hi Dr Deb
®
I’mFIND TELEHEALTH
struggling SELECT
with communication issues with A STATE
my partner. He is not the kind of person who likes to talk
about feelings or his inner world, nor does he need to communicate on daily basis with me. That hurts me
GET
so much. I’ve tried to tell him this but he doesn’t seem to get it, he just replied “Don’t say that! It’s not
true!”. I asked him to say something during the day if he remebers me but he didn’t. I’m afraid that if I
HELP
insist on this topic he ‘ll start to feel guilty and pulls away as he did in the past.
We are in relationship for 4 years. Although there’s a strong connection between us, I feel he doesn’t care
LEAR
about my needs. I don’t know what to do. Do you have any suggestions?
N
Thanks for hearing me.
Raquel
FOR
Reply
PROF
ESSI
DrDeb
ONA February 1st, 2017 at 7:17 AM
Hi Raquel,
LSMany men are like that and it actually has more to do with their very early family experiences –
where men learn there is a terrible cost to showing vulnerable feelings – than not caring. But you do
ABOneed that communication; it is not an unreasonable request at all. You cannot “make” him do it. First
of all, he doesn’t even know how. Underneath that, he probably doesn’t feel safe. (And that’s no
UTfault of yours.) Two options for you are couples counseling or, as I suggested to the person who
wrote just before you, the video on my website is a good beginning at self-help if you would both
watch it.
Reply
Tom
February 2nd, 2017 at 10:40 AM
I have been lying and cheating the entirety of my relationship. We are on our last straw and my boyfriend
of over 2 years; known each other for 3, won’t talk to me until I tell him what he wants to hear or have
something told to him that he doesn’t know. I have said everything multiple times and get no response. I
have started therapy for addictions and am in the first month of a 3 month program. My parents kicked
him out of the apt when I was institutionalized and I have since got him to move back in. The thought of
the pain I have caused him is unbearable and I also feel that I cannot live without him. He is still using and
is openly having sex with multiple people. It feels like repentance and remorseful thoughts and actions
p y g p p p p g
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are not enough. Communication has always been an issue of mine, and he has only ever LOGIN
wanted 100%
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honesty from me. What do I do?
Reply
®
GET
Raquel
February
HELP 2nd, 2017 at 1:16 PM
Thanks, Dr. Debb.
What
LEAR video do you refer to? Can you send the link, please?
Reply
N
FOR
DrDeb
PROF February 2nd, 2017 at 3:56 PM
Hi Raquel, Getting to the video is easy. Just click my name at the top of this article and it takes you
ESSIto my page on Good Therapy. Next click where it says visit my website right under my picture. 3
Keys to a Spectacular Marriage is on the menu of my site.
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO
Chris
UT Deb. Im currently in a worse situation. My ex and I have been together for pretty much 4 years. A
Hi Dr
this moment I am staying at my friends place for about month as my ex had said that she wants to be
friends and have a break. So we had signed a lease as she we were moving for her work and I was
honestly fine with that. So my stuff is up there she’s living 2 hours away from where I am now. I did ask
her if she definitely wants my stuff gone. At the moment she said ” leave it here at the moment” I don’t
think she’s decided yet as she is currently trying to heal. Anyways this is what led to this. When we first
met and also 3 years into the relationship she loved me then but then saw changes in me. About 8
months ago I tried to commit suicide. I was in deep depression of my finances, my anger has been a
problem I had lost my licence, I lost my job I had which loved. After I tried to hang myself I only when to
one session to seek professional help then I fell in my own mind for so long. Even before all this my
anger was the main issue. Now my ex partner should I say has been in previous physical absive
relationships. I would never never hit anyone or had cheated but all this had made her feel scared of me. I
said some pretty bad stuff that in my heart I really don’t mean it. It’s been on and off my anger was just
out of control
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happening. She said not long ago I do love and I do miss you but it s hard for me to be with you right
GETbefore
now” she said she wants to be friends and before I said I don’t think I can and this was LISTEDI we LOGIN
had
GoodTherapy ®
started our initial break. She was upset of my rejection but I thought about and said yes. But till now I
think does she want to be friends because we have a shared loan to pay off I’m just confused cause what I
did I just don’t understand of what I did why would she want be friends after what I had did. She did say
that she does still cares about me. Everything I did I really do deeply regret. Shes basicly had handled so
much
GET stress running around for her family and me cause I have mental health illness at the time wasn’t
there mentally for her. I do love her soo much I’d do anything to get her back so right now I had seeker a
lot of professional help. I took up anger management that goes on for 8 weeks. I gave up alcohol and
HELP
smoking. I’ve been exercising and eating healthy. I’m doing this because I don’t live like this anymore. I
don’t
LEAR want to be that nasty person I was before, I want to help myself because I said to her I’m not
walking into her life like I was before. I was stubborn for not doing this a long time ago. I just want her to
know
N I’m a actually doing something for myself. She finding hard to belive that I am going to change or
helping myself at the moment. We’re 3 weeks now into our break but she has contacted me just to talk
FOR finances, I could hear the frustration and anger. This is actually the first day she hasn’t contacted
about
me which is good cause I want her to recover too. I now know this takes time and patience. She said
PROF
yesterday ” give me space chris and I’ll contact you when I’m ready” I made a simple reply by saying “will
do I promise” I wanted to say I promise cause I not even going to be first to txt her or make any contact I I
doESSI
promise and I hope that promise will also build that trust again but I know I have a lot of work to do. I
do want her back and will try to get her back once I’m 100 percent. I’d be happy to start slow and rekindle
ONA
this relationship. I have a whole lot more to say but I’ll just leave here for the today.
Thanks for ta king your time to read this.

LS
Reply
ABO
UT
pili
Hi Dr. Deb,
I know I am a little later to this blog, but I wanted to ask your advice. I should start off by saying that I
have Borderline Personality Disorder and when I am not healthy, I can have great difficulties in having
healthy intimate interpersonal relationships. My wife and I have been together for nearly 6 years, 3 of
which are married. I met my wife while I was in recovery, I am an alcoholic. Long story short, my father
got ill and when he was very bad, I relapsed. My wife didn’t know me as anything but a healthy member
of AA. Over the past 3 years I have relapsed off and on with marijuana. I am clean and sober again, but I
have been very emotionally abusive (not intentionally) in the past. My wife and I are struggling. We both
say that we love each other and we want to be together, but she is having a very hard time being certain
about whether or not she ‘can let go” and be with me. I have started therapy again to work on my
reactivity, negative thoughts and communication skills, but we are in the thick of it now. She has also
been studying out of the country for the past 2 years. She is a citizen of another country but has a
permanent visa here so there is a lot at play. Anyway, I seem to want he tot forgive me, make up her mind
to make this work no matter what, and move on. After reading this and speaking with myLISTED
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and
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sponsor, I know that I need to give it time and be loving and kind no matter what, but I have no felt this
distant from her, ever. I am truly afraid that the damage has been done and that we will not make it
through this, but I refuse to give up on me, on her or on us. I know in my heart that the love we have for
FIND
one TELEHEALTH
another SELECT
is genuine, but I guess I am seeking A STATE
advice on what I should do to give our relationship the
best chance. We is currently finishing her masters thesis right now too and says she doesnt have the
GET
emotional capacity to focus on too many things at once, that we should focus on our own issues for the
time being and try to work together when she is emotional adept to do so. I want it yesterday. It is as
HELP
though I feel like she should just forgive me and move on since I am getting help and have been
improving for sure, but she insists it doesn’t work that way (which intellectually I know). I do not want to
LEAR
lose her, I do not want to pressure her to make any decisions, but I don’t want to lose myself in this
either. Do you have any comments on what I should do in order to truly gain her trust back. I know she
N
fears this is just another cycle of inappropriate behavior followed by her doubting the relationship, me
noticing that, getting temporary help and then giving up because things get better and the cycle
FOR
continues. I truly do not want this and I want to love her the way she deserves to be loved, but it is
sooooo hard to let go of the control and leave it up to what will be. My inability to respect her needs or
PROF
place her needs on an equal playing field as mine is why we are here in the first place. Please let me
know
ESSI what you think. Thank you!
Reply
ONA
LS
Elizabeth R
February
ABO 20th, 2017 at 9:21 PM
okay
youUT
are welcome my friend it is a great pleasure meeting you here on facebook but i would really love to
know more about this angel parading herself as human that has captivated me with her lovely smile
Reply
Raquel
March 3rd, 2017 at 2:51 PM
Hi Dr Debb
Me and my boyfriend are in a relationship for 4 years. There’s love, passion and chemistry uniting us but
things aren’t always easy. One of the reasons for our problems was his difficulty in finding a job in our
home country. He decided to go abroad which I disapproved and he broke up with me for some months. I
had to accept his new life abroad and now we are back together. The problem is this new life makes me
feel anxious and insecure. I’m happy for his success but seeing he’s building a life apart from me makes
me feel really bad. And I can’t understand what’s on his mind. He has always said that “if we stay
together, we have to have a child”. And then he says “you don’t want to have kids”. I never said that. The
fact is that I’m really not sure and this attitude doesn’t help me make my mind. The problem is I’m almost
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38… He never asked me to go with him (we visit each other every 2 months…). I see all these things and I
can’t talk about them. He doesn’t seem to need to discuss our future. This last time I was there I couldn’t
stop crying. when I told him we should plan our future he said nothing but “What do you want me to tell
you? That we’re going to marry and have children? Come here and we can marry and have children.
Otherwise you have to wait.”I could not even answer this. I really don’t know what to think and how to
GET
have deeper conversations. He seems to become more distant and cold every time he sees me sad and
anxious.
HELP
Can you give me some light on this?
LEAR you so much for your time and patience :)

Thank
Reply
N
FOR
Russ
PROF
OK let me know what you think of my situation, I am married with 3 kids and have an amazing wife and
ESSI
most things were great apart from I was a manic depressive, I hurt my wife for a long time and although
was never violent it was torture for her. Over the past few months I have dealt with all my demons and
ONA
getting better but my wife is no longer interested as I hurt her so much. I want her to know I am a new
person but she has a wall up around her and won’t let me in, I accept it was all my fault and will do
LS
anything to repair the damage if I can but I am fighting a losing battle. We live together so see each other
everyday and still get on fine for the 5 mins a day we forget about what has happened. We are due to go
ABO
counselling very soon but her heart is not in it and I fear my actions have lost me my wife.
Reply
UT
Lisa
I apologize for this lengthy post…if you want to skip to the end to just read my question, I would
understand.
My boyfriend and I recently separated…about 3 1/2 weeks ago. We have been together for almost 4 years
and we’re living together for 2.5. We’ve been having problems for the last year or more. The issues that
led to these problems started well before that, when his ex sued for relocation custody. She lost the first
time but tried again the next year. A trial was never scheduled for that year so the kids were in limbo for
over 2 years. The ex did a lot of really terrible things with manipulating them etc. The main focus of our
life became our mutual outrage; it was all we talked about eventually. At some point, my partner started
therapy to deal with all of this; I did not.
Under the stress I threatened our relationship multiple times and once I actually left I said things to him
Under the stress, I threatened our relationship multiple times, and once, I actually left. I said things to him
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like right person, wrong circumstances, and I even told him I wished I’d never met him. He eventually put
®
up a wall between us. When I finally realized it was there, I stopped those behaviors. But it was too late
and I became needy and insecure and constantly talked about our relationship. He finally made the
decision to let the kids move because the upheaval
FIND TELEHEALTH SELECTitAhad caused them was so great. I got angry because
STATE
to me it felt like he was letting her “win” and he finally said I don’t need you to agree with me, I just need
GET
you to support me. I said no, I can’t. He told me months ago that we were headed towards this and I said
I’d stop the bad behaviors, but I didn’t. I made everything about me and I took everything personally.
HELP
If he had to go help his parents because their basement flooded instead of coming to see me in New York
while I was there for work, I got angry and felt slighted. There are many examples of this kind of thing. I
LEAR
did start therapy, we even went together sometimes, but she wasn’t very helpful. He even said so at one
point…that all we did was talk and vent but that we weren’t doing any actual work. But I didn’t listen.
N
Finally, 7 weeks ago, after a somewhat benign comment from me about why things weren’t like they used
toFOR
be, he snapped. He broke up with me, saying we are done, I am done, move out, no more therapy, I’m
not changing my mind etc. He had asked for a break several times over the last 8 months or so but I had
PROF talked him out of it.
always
But like I said, nothing changed. He left on a business trip the next day and we didn’t talk. When he got
ESSI
back, we talked some but most of these conversations ended with him being frustrated and me being
devastated. I tried my best to avoid him and the relationship conversations but I wasn’t always
ONA
successful. He left again the following week and we didn’t talk again. We were in the same house
together for most of this time and slowly it turned into taking a break rather than breaking up. But he
LS
wouldn’t give any terms or promises for the future.
ABO
The last week before I moved out was a bit different. He started coming into my room (I had moved into
my daughter’s room early on) to hug me goodnight. He hugged me when he left to go out of town. He has
UTall along that this has never been about him not loving me…that he does. He will say it back if I say it
said
first, and on the day I moved, he said it first a few times. I once said I hoped we could get back what we
had and he said me too. We had the most incredibly open and loving relationship either of has ever had
until the stress took over. The day I moved out I asked him to please let me back into his heart and he said
he’s trying and that’s why we are doing this. He said we need to start over because we have both become
different people than we were. He even referenced your blog post…the part about doing this backwards.
He has told me I need to get back the strong woman I once was…the one he fell in love with. He needs to
break down his wall because his guard is up with me and he can’t even express his emotions.
He has texted me everyday since I moved out about mostly neutral things but he’s still making contact.
We’ve seen each other a few times and he’s kissed me and hugged…without me pulling him in. The kisses
are on the mouth but they are pecks. But a few weeks prior to him first kissing me, I tried to kiss him
when he hugged me and he pulled away, saying be happy with what just happened…meaning a hug and
an I love you. We even went to breakfast together when the kids (mine and his…my daughter is in college)
GoodTherapy uses He
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Until it did. Because
now I don’t know any other way to do this. I heard him sob once as he walked down the hall. But as I said,
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he won’t show me much emotion. I told him I wouldn’t hurt him the ways I had any longer. He asked why
now? I finally said that I thought it was because I didn’t really want to look in the deep, dark places that
I’ve had to go since this happened.
But I have now and I have realized how much work I need to do on myself. I’ve started with a new
therapist
GET and I really feel like she will be able to help me. That’s what he keeps telling me this time is
for…to work on ourselves. And my head doesn’t disagree. But my heart is broken and doesn’t understand
why
HELPwe have to be apart to do this. Again, my head understands that we tried that (being together to fix
things) and nothing changed. It’s confusing though that he says I love you, hugs me, was fine with me
moving
LEAR into temporary housing and not changing my mailing address. And yet he won’t talk about the
future except to say he hopes we can get back what we had. I guess he needs to see the changes first. I
am working
N very hard on not talking about us ad nauseam and becoming friends again first. On thinking
about what I say and do so I don’t cause anymore damage. He has told me that with everything going on
inFOR
his life, with his kids, etc, that our relationship was supposed to be the easy place and it wasn’t. He
also told me that he thought I didn’t know how to be in a mutually giving relationship. He’s not wrong. I
was
PROFraised by a single mother and my father abandoned us when I was 6. I’ve been selfish and a taker
and I understand that I caused much of this. He has told me multiple times that the wall he put up was a
reaction
ESSI to the pain I caused him.
I love him more than anything and I would do anything to make this right again. I’m so afraid that with
ONA
this separation, he will decide it’s over. And I won’t get the chance to show him that I can and will make
the changes I need to be a better person, regardless of what happens with us. I realize that I’m making
LS
this about me by even asking this question, and that I need to make this about him right now…what he
needs to try and heal. I reread it everyday as a reminder of what I need to do.
ABO
So my question is this…I understand that you say it takes time to heal from the hurts of the past and the
pain
UTI caused him. But I don’t know what that looks like. I know it’s as much time as he needs but I wish
that I could have some idea of what that is, what is typical. Because I think my expectations are that it
should be happening already, faster than it is. This actually came up the other day and he said we are
talking, we’ve seen each other, the kids have seen each other, we hug and kiss etc…so in his mind we are
already making baby steps. But when I asked if we could do something together, he said at some point
but not yet. Am I trying to rush things too much? This is the most painful thing I’ve ever beenthrough and
I’m just looking for answers.
Reply
Marllen
April 16th, 2017 at 5:37 PM
Hi,
I really need help.
I have been with my bf for 3 years and next week is our engagement, however, it’s been week since he
y y g g
told me that he does not have any feelings for me. He keeps on saying I feel “empty”GET LISTED
inside LOGIN
because you
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have hurt me before. I never cheated or anything.It just, during the past 3 years, I have been harsh on him
with words to get him to be a better person. But instead of helping him, I destroyed and hurt his feelings.
And now he wants to get engaged to me because he feels like that’s what he wants to do but at the same
time he does not have love feelings for me. How can he get his feelings back? Will he love me again?
Please
GET help.
Reply
HELP
LEAR
mel
MayN22nd, 2017 at 5:02 AM
I am 36 and my fiance is 29 we have 2 children together. I hurt him so badly he suffers from ptsd hes a
veteran.
FOR Just yesterday he told me he doesnt want to be in a relationship anymore. We live together but
told me ee r roomates and friends he said he only loves me cuz of the kids. We have been together for 5
yrs how do i get him to fall in love with me again? The thought of not being with him hurts . please help
PROF
me
ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS
Craig
May 22nd, 2017 at 4:43 PM
ABOHi mel,
I’m not going to apologize for what I type. You deserved to be dumped. I don’t need you to tell us
UTwhat you did to him. I know many of you ladies behave, especially taking advantage of guy who
loves you. I have been taken advantage of by a girl I love and we don’t even have kids together. I did
a lot for her that I can’t even mention. Despite this, she got pregnant by hoodrat and still come to
me for help till date. With all these, she doesn’t apappreciate anything I did. So God knows what
you did to the man but I lost interest in women. Change your way. Otherwise he will see you playing
games. That’s what my ex did to me
Reply
mel
May 23rd, 2017 at 12:53 PM
Craig you have no idea how i feel everyday i just want thibgs to be the way They used to be. Im
going
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Craig
®
May 23rd, 2017 at 3:43 PM

Mel,
I understand.
GET But first, let me say I’m sorry if I was harsh. I’m definitely not relationship counselor. I only
speak from experience. One thing I noticed is that you seem to know you are wrong. That’s your first step
to rekindle your relationship (if at all you are sincere).
HELP
Good luck
LEAR
Reply
N
FOR mel
May 24th, 2017 at 7:05 AM
PROF
Craig thank you for your apology. I def didnt cheat its was just emotional hurt. Im def try to earn his
trust back. I love hi. So much i just wish things were different i cry all the time and he sees it hell ask
ESSI
what wrong i say nothing of course but deep down inside my heart is breaking and it sux!
ONAReply
LS
Craig
ABO
May 25th, 2017 at 3:08 PM
UT
I didn’t even think you cheated on him. I only thought about emotional torture. At least you
recognize your guilty. My ex doesn’t. Instead she disrespects me further and deeper and not
being reasonable for a second. All she wants from me is money money money and money. Yet,
she’s in controversial love with her baby father. she She doesn’t want ‘no’ for answer. I
consider her toxic.
Good luck again
Carly
June 11th, 2017 at 2:53 PM
Hi Dr,
I am getting in touch because I feel helpless and require some input.
My boyfriend
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friend to make matters worse.
GET him.
Since then there have been a couple of other moments where I have got drunk and hurt LISTED LOGIN
Once after
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my friend’s birthday I sent him an angry text as he didn’t want me to stay at his house after we had had
an argument and then more recently I told him I hated him and shared details of my abusive ex. It’s
aggressive behaviour and completely Jekyll and Hyde compared to how I am with him normally, which is
incredibly affectionate and loving.
HeGET
feels like I don’t care about his feelings, which I do understand. The thing is, I think I get so upset
when I’m drunk and I end up hurting him to hurt myself. I also lost my mum at the age of 9, which comes
with
HELPits own issues.
On the back of the first drunken night I went to therapy, but I don’t feel any real improvement in myself. If
anything,
LEAR I am more weepy and depressed than ever before. I guess my question is how depression and
relationships work? In discussions it tends to turn into me talking about all of my issues and how bad a
person
N I am, which doesn’t help. How can I get beyond feeling so guilty and shameful so I can put some
work in to making him feel that I care deeply about him? I just feel so afraid all of the time.
FOR
Reply
PROF
ESSI DrDeb
June 12th, 2017 at 1:52 PM
ONA you say here something that is of concern: ” I am more weepy and depressed than ever before. I
Carly,
guess my question is how depression and relationships work? In discussions it tends to turn into me
LS about all of my issues and how bad a person I am, which doesn’t help. ” There are many “brands”
talking
of therapy. The brand that you are going to seems to not be a good fit for you. Just expressing how badly
ABO
you feel will not help you learn exactly what to do to get out of the bad place your feelings are in. Please
look for a cognitive behavioral therapist or a solution-focused therapist if you want to see someone in
UT
your area face to face. I do therapy on Skype if that is of interest to you.
Reply
susi
July 4th, 2017 at 11:26 PM
I had a 5 years of marriage. I cheated on my husband. He got to know about that. Even before he got to
know about this I myself knew that I did wrong. Now he wants divorce. I want him back. Truly I am
regretting what I did. Even I apologized to him a lot of time. But he is not willing to forgive me and one
more chance to our marriage. he even has blocked all contacts with me. I don’t understand how to win
him back nor how to live without him. My past is not letting me live.
Reply
Ray GET LISTED LOGIN
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July 5th, 2017 at 11:09 PM
Hi Dr Deb,
®
I met myTELEHEALTH
FIND boyfriend about 11months ago on social media.
SELECT I’d heard before I met him, how unserious he was
A STATE
(in relationships and life in general).
GET we met, I laid my terms if he wanted to be serious. He met them and showed commitment. We fell
When
in love and were happy. We were planning to get married. Our families knew about it. However, I knew he
HELPa very flirty person, had a lot of female friends but it was never more than friendship. I knew that.
was
The flirting still hurt though, so I complained and he kind of stopped. There was one friend that I always
LEAR comfortable with. I’d complain over and over again, but the friendship never stopped. And I never
wasn’t
wanted him to completely cut her off, just to have more boundaries and respect our relationship. For
N reason he could never let her go. I should mention that she once referred to herself as his girlfriend.
some
The friendship simmered down a bit over time. We both knew she liked him but he didn’t feel that way
FOR
about her. But I didn’t like that he was still entertaining her calls.
Fast forward 9 months later, she was still in our lives. I was fed up and outrightly told him their friendship
PROF
was unnecessay and i was tired. He promised to end it. He didn’t however, and 2 days later I ended up
alone with his phone by chance. Curiosity got the better of me and I went through it (something I’d never
ESSI
done before). I found a video call and chat where he was asking her to pull off her clothes, twerk and
show him her privates. I should add that, if he was horny he could have called me instead. And I’d have
ONA
done that for him cos we do that occasionally. He has a history of deleting chats, so that’s all I found. He
probably forgot to delete it. He claims his phone gets slow when chats accumulate. Lol.
LS
I confronted him, he was so remorseful that it happened. Said it was the first time it happened since we
started dating. Though it was something they used to do before he met me. And he didn’t know how it
ABO
happened, but she’d been calling him and something led to the other and he gave in to temptation. He
accepted complete blame for his actions, begged for forgiveness, completely cut her off. Since then, they
UT
no longer talk. No longer friends on social media.
I forgave him after some days, tried to work at it again. I thought we’d live happily ever after now, but no.
Say 3 weeks later, I was still having trust issues, being suspicious of him. So (not proud to say) I hacked in
to his SM accounts. And voila! On twitter, Before my eyes he reunited with an old flame, denied my
existence to her, talked dirty and so on. I’d try to initiate the kind of convo they were having so he’d leave
her and talk dirty to me instead, but he wouldn’t. He’d tell me he was busy at work while I could see he
was less busy with her. He’d ignore my messages for minutes and reply me after he’d replied hers. He got
her to download a video call app, that he wanted to see her face. So I asked him if he wanted to have a
video call with me, he declined. I was logged in to his account, so I’d see when he deleted their chats. He
deleted mine too. Started feeding us the same words/lines simultaneously. In addition, he was chatting
up another girl, hoping to meet up with her. On IG, he was chatting up another too. On FB, turned out he
had a history of saying hello to a lot of random girls, probably with the intention of hooking up for sex.
This was before we met though. He also has another less popular twitter account which I also hacked. On
GoodTherapy
that one,uses cookies
He was tryingto
topersonalize content
hook up for sex with aand ads to
woman, provideafter
3 months better
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on girls pictures, about
how big their boobs were. Which he liked. He’s always liked very big busty women. That’s the one thing
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all the girls have in common. I am a bit fat, but not up to their size. And he was even complaining that I
®
was putting on weight!
I confronted him again. I told him of all the things he used to do that made me unhappy (though I was
FINDsometimes,
happy TELEHEALTH SELECT
just not for long periods) then A STATE
ended with the discoveries I made..He was pis
Reply
GET
HELP
Ray
LEAR
July 5th, 2017 at 11:13 PM
Here’s the last part of my comment. Please help.
N
I confronted him again. I told him of all the things he used to do that made me unhappy (though I
FORwas happy sometimes, just not for long periods) then ended with the discoveries I made..He was
pissed that I went as far as signing into his accounts. We broke up. Then tried to get back together
PROFfew hours later. A friend I’d told about the situation advised me to block him completely on all
platforms. I did but couldn’t do it completely. A stupid part of me still liked him, so I always left a
ESSIwindow he could reach me through. He denied hooking up for sex with anyone in reality. That they
were just social media stuff.
ONAHe was sorry, couldn’t imagine life without me, blah blah. He’s been begging for 2 wees now. I’ve
been telling him its over, treating him badly. He gets frustrated by it sometimes gives up. Then
LScomes running back few minutes later. Sometimes, he says he’s not justifying what he did, but
makes statements out of frustration that sound like justification. He eventually got a friend to beg
ABOon his behalf. Promised to change. Told him to change for himself, else its not sustainable.and I
needed to see him take actions that will guarantee it never happens again. Like get off social media.
UTCos I believe that is what “enables” him. Since the problem is not one girl in particular. Its lots of
girls across different SM accounts. He deleted everything except his main twitter.told him it won’t
cut it for me. This was on Monday. He tried to make me see advantages of keeping the account ober
the disadvantages. I wasnt having it. So he said he’d delete it too. Since im not coming back if he
doesnt. He hasn’t. I’m watching to see by this weekend if he doesn’t delete it, then we don’t stand a
chance. Its not a permanent delete, cos he networks with it, applies for jobs, etc. But I didn’t tell him
that. I just want to see that he’s ready to do all it takes. I’m still talking to him despite my Friend’s
advice. I hurt and cry (even at work) when I stay away from him. I know he’s not the right partner for
me. I’ve always ignored the red flags right from the beginning. He loves me very much i know. It just
hurts that the love doesn’t stop him from behaving like this and hurting me repeatedly. It doesn’t
add up, I know. I low key want to move on, away from him. But I feel I don’t have the strength to. My
head ( and my friend) tells me to move on, I deserve way better but my heart is not cooperating.
What’s your take on this? I anticipate your respomse.Thank you.
Reply 
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M
July 25th, 2017 at 11:27 AM
®
Hello, Dr. Deb

I have been married for 21 years to a great man. Only problem is he was terrible at communicating. Over
3 years
GET back we were fighting every day and things got really bad. I I had an affair with an old friend that
lasted about 2 months but I stayed in contact with this person on a friendly basis. Then about a year ago
we met up again and started to become intimate but I stopped it because I felt terrible. My husband had
HELP
always been great. But he recently had weight loss surgery and started going out more often. He bought
aLEAR
fancy car and started dressing really nice. Started really caring how others saw him. But stopped
complimenting me. I really felt i was losing him and I think that’s what led me to meet up with the other
manNlast year. Now I continued to talk to him on a daily basis. Mostly about every day things, problems,
work, school… But the affair was over. It had been over for 3 years. 4 months back my husband found out
about
FOR him and I came clean. I stopped all contact with the other man that day. My husband was madly in
love with me and treated me like a queen for most of our relationship.
He took it horribly as expected. He went to his house and work many times. He threatened him. He
PROF
agreed to reconcile 2 separate times but just couldn’t do it. We separated and i moved out. He would tell
ESSI
me he wasn’t in love with me but then would say he was only saying that. We were intimate 3 and a half
weeks ago. He has gone back and forth so many times. We have 2 children. My 9 year old son is
ONA
devastated.
Each time we have been intimate since the separation he says he can never feel the same about me or get
LSit. After the last time we were intimate he told me he was going to try and date to get past this. This
over
was 3 weeks ago. He now calls me to tell me she is now his girlfriend and he thinks it may be serious and
isABO
going to introduce her to our kids.
I realize what I did was horrible and have apologized over and over.he came to a counselor once but
UT to go back.
refused
I love him so much and want my family back. But he is now saying there is 0 chance he will ever take me
back. He says he loves me but is t in love with me. Says I am not part of his future. If you only knew how
much this man loved me. I just can’t believe he is able to just get o we me this quick. He has said these
things before but admitted he didn’t mean them. He says he forgives me and has moved on. Him now
having a friend and moving so quickly makes me think he may be telling the truth this time. I am crushed.
Is all hopeless? Please help
Reply
DrDeb
July 25th, 2017 at 2:20 PM
Hi M
Yes, there is analyze
hope — our
provided your
traffic. By husband sees
continuing tothe
useright
thiscounselor and he really
site you consent to ourdoes not want to lose
cookies.
his family
his family.
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Reply ®
FINDWantTheFeelingsBack
February
GET 18th, 2018 at 1:12 PM
Hi Dr. Deb,
My husband and I have been married for 12 years and we have four children ages 8 and under. There have
HELP
been some mistakes in the past 9 years that hurt me over and over, and I stopped letting myself be
LEAR
vulnerable to them by closing myself off from him about 4 years ago. Instinctive reaction to protect my
heart, I guess. Add to that financial difficulties, job changes, and medical issues and the stress on our
N
marriage just compiled. We sought counseling a few years ago and it helped to identify some of our
issues but didn’t really draw us closer together. I made some mistakes of my own in the last couple years
FOR
and sought happiness elsewhere with an affair with a close friend. My husband knows about it and has
completely forgiven me. We have had a lot of talks about how he now understands what I was feeling in
PROF
the past and he has gone above and beyond to show that he loves me, that he treasures me, that I’m the
most important thing in the world to him. But I’m having trouble getting the feelings back. I love him, as
ESSI
my spouse and the father of my children, but I want that in love feeling back and I’m having trouble
opening myself up again to him in order to be able to feel that. I just feel kind of numb most of the time.
ONA
We are committed to staying together. And neither of us is unhappy – it just feels more like we’re
roommates most days. I think if I was able to open my heart again to him, our marriage could thrive,
LS
because he is already in that place. I just don’t know how to get there. Do you have any advice?
Reply
ABO
UT
DrDeb
Sometimes getting a map to follow is difficult; we want the voice on the GPS telling us exactly where to
turn and in how many feet. If my 5 steps, above, are not quite enough, I would suggest you consider
enrolling in my course. It is supposed to help you get those feelings back.
Reply
Lisa
February 22nd, 2018 at 10:20 AM
Hi Dr. Deb,
I originally wrote to you last March 24. You didn’t respond but that’s ok, that’s not why I’m writing. As I
said then, my boyfriend had broken up with me after months of me treating him very badly. I have since
learned that I have abandonment ptsd and it manifested in ways that ultimately destroyed our
GET LISTED LOGIN
GoodTherapy ® sort of. He was never ready for me to give up the

relationship. We eventually got back together,
apartment I had moved into when we broke up but by June I was pretty much living there again. But then
in October, he broke up with me again. He said his heart wasn’t in it, he wasn’t happy, things hadn’t really
changed. At this point I was still unaware of the abandonment issues. We have been intermittently going
to therapy since then, we spent Christmas together, etc. And he says he still loves me and is attracted to
GET
me. He adamantly won’t have sex with me because he thinks we used it as a bandaid. He’s also very clear
that despite the fact that he loves me, he’s not sure I am the right person for him. Since we broke up he’s
HELP
been traveling a lot for work, always to the same place. He met someone there and he talks to her and
spends time with her…they are involved. I found out just how much about a month ago because I looked
LEAR
at the phone bill (we still share a lot of the bills). I had a full breakdown and we talked a lot…not great
conversations. But about a week after that, we sat down and talked and it was the best conversation
N
we’ve had in a long time. He still said he loves me, but he enjoys spending time with her. He’s not closing
the door on us but we each have our own work to do, etc. Two days after that, he started calling me. This
FOR
is the first time since we broke up that’s he’s called just because. We’ve texted nearly every day since and
he calls multiple times a week…it was nice because for once we were just talking. Not about us, the
PROF
breakup, the relationship, etc. Then last Thursday we went to therapy for the first time in weeks. It was a
disaster.
ESSI We fell right back into old patterns. He told me the next day that he almost walked out. I lost
when he said spending time with me might be a conflict since he is involved with someone else. And yet
it’s
ONAok to call me, etc. I know he would want to move very slowly if there’s even a chance for us but that
was very upsetting to hear. The therapist even gave him an opening to walk away, close the door forever.
AndLShe didn’t take it. We talked a lot over that night and the next day and we finally agreed to try and not
let what happened be a setback. So we’ve still been taking, not about us, just conversation. Anyway, my
real
ABO question is this. After I hurt him too many times, he put up a wall. He used to be a very emotional
man…he would cry sometimes just because he loved me so much. But now he says he feels numb. He said
he UT
sits in therapy and where before he would have cried, he just feels nothing. Mostly with me but he says
it’s pervasive in his life now. It actually scares him because it’s so unlike him. Obviously we still have a
deep connection and there is a reason that we are still trying, whatever that looks like right now. I also
understand why he wants to spend time with someone else because being around me has been difficult
and exhausting for a very long time. But I believe in my soul that our story isn’t over and I love him with
everything I have. But how do I reach him? What actions can we take to help him open up? It’s been over a
year and a half since the wall went up…closing in on 2 years. And just over a year since we first broke up. I
still have a lot of work to do but I’m trying. And he just doesn’t trust me. When it comes up he says he
doesn’t know if he can forget what happened…the hurt I caused him. And he wants to know why and how
things would be different now. Please help…I’m desperate to reach him and I don’t know how. Thank you
Reply
DrDeb
y
Hi Lisa, GET LISTED LOGIN
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I’m sorry if you wrote me and I missed it ®
last year. One of the keys to earning trust back is “patient
giving.” That means being patient and not expecting the response you want, but giving, giving, giving.
That said, I would not think this will work while he has someone else in the wings. It’s way too confusing
for him. If he’s not sure about her, he may abandon both of you anyway. I would suggest he give up on her
while
GET
he actively checks on himself and how he’s doing with trusting you. If you are working on yourself
and so is he, it could still take lots of time. Without more details on your situation, this is all I can say. I
am offering a course in this very subject, however, and you might want to inquire further. You can always
HELP
email me directly to get details.
LEAR
Reply
november
FOR
PROFi read where you say its called patient giving i understand what your saying and what needs to be
done my only concern is how long should you keep trying patient giving before you realize its not
ESSIgoing to work and your marriage is going to get back to going the right direction, ive been married
for 6 years and off and on weve had issues but it hasnt been til the pat year that my husband has
ONAtold me once he wanted a divorce but never went throught with it we patched thigns up we never
seperated but about two weeks ago he sat me down and told me about the issue were having now
LSand he said i am willing to give you one last chance and work on our marriage, but if it happenss
again hes done now neither one of use has cheated its has nothing to do with that, he got very upset
ABOand angry at something i said, he has that right to be mad i understand but he tells me he wants to
give me another chance but tells someone else he doesnt want to so i want to make my marriage
UTwork and prove to my husband its not him thats the problem it never has been he hasnt told me he
doesnt love me anymore, so i am confused on how long should i try and mend the bond before i
finally say i cant do this anymore and tell him ive tried to fix this issue but i cant do it anymore, i
want to fix it but i just dont know how long i should before it starts to get better if it even does get
better if you understand what i am asking
Reply
Anaya D
Dear Dr. Deb,
I wrote the below last year and never received a response. I now have divorced my husband and am
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habits that negative impacted our children. I pray sometimes that maybe God will bring us bs k to one
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another and that my husband will just be a changed person. But even as we try to coparent I don’t think
he fully grasped some of the damage he has caused and so I think I just need to close that door and pour
my energy into things that are fruitful. Can a past abuser change. What does it take for someone to want
to FIND TELEHEALTH
be better? SELECT A STATE
Dear
GET
Dr. Deb,
This was an extremely helpful article. I wish I were at a place in my marriage where I’d be willing to give it
HELP
an attempt. I have lost respect for my spouse for many reasons. Namely the way he makes me feel; past
abuse, disappointments and dishonesty. I can have a very bad attitude at times when I’m hurt and
LEAR
disappointed and unfortunately there is or has never been any true remorse or apology for the abuse and
violence. And while it has happened more than once in the past it has just caused such a deep resentment
N
that I am now at a juncture where I just want to leave the relationship and work on my own happiness.
We have 2 children and a third in the way and I’ve stayed this long because I didn’t want to break up my
FOR
family even though I knew this relationship wasn’t right. I feel lost and helpless and this point and
struggle with whether I’m doing the right thing by leaving. My husband trivializes my feelings and says
PROF
things like if it were that bad you would have left a long time ago. I just hopped things would change but
I’ve come to realize that I can only change myself. I choose to love myself and to aim for my own
ESSI
happiness. I guess my question of there is a question is how bad does it have to be until it’s okay to
decide to leave. I mean I know what I need and what I need to do but it is all consuming and confusing.
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO DrDeb
February 23rd, 2018 at 7:29 AM
UT
Hi Anaya,
I am sorry I was not able to respond last year to your question. The answer this year is: Yes! It is possible
for a person to change. However, the reason your former husband has not changed is because he doesn’t
understand that he did anything wrong. The general reaction of abusive people is that this is all they
know and think it’s “normal.” To get him to even realize that there are things he should want to work on is
to hold out the carrot of “happiness.” I always believe in the carrot over the stick. Is he happy? Does he
realize he can be even happier? What would a real connection to someone feel like? These are question
he needs to hear. But you cannot be his therapist. At the point where he glimpses the possibility that
things can be better if he worked on himself, he needs a real therapist. Alternatively, he would benefit
from my course.
Reply
Mattanalyze
H. our traffic. By continuing to use this site you consent to our cookies.
April 1st, 2018 at 6:01 PM
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I was with someone for 7 years through out this relationship there was a current drug use addiction and I
turned into someone I cant even comprehend today. I had never been in love like this before and I took it
all for granted. This person left me scared for her life in the person I turned out to be. I have been away
FIND
from TELEHEALTH
drugs for a few years now and over the SELECT A STATE
last 6 months have tyred to talk with more about what went
on and that this person being me that was under the influence made mistakes I live with to this day. I
GET
wish I could make her see I’m not that person and I wish I never went down that road. I had a little girl
with her and today I thank my e partner for leaving me and taking our daughter away from the pain and
HELP
suffering I was causing. I made a very unhealthy environment for anyone to be around me and I kick my
self today for having make the mistakes that I did. if there are any suggestions to better my future and
LEAR
rebuild the love I once felt for her and have her love me back please I ask any comments to be said.
Reply
N
FOR
Vanessa
PROF
April 21st, 2018 at 9:23 PM
I am so lost. I have been with my boyfriend for about 7 months now. Before we became official we were
ESSI
casually dating for about 4 months. I told him at the beginning that I didn’t want to sleep with the whole
town, that I want to be exclusive with one guy. And through out the summer I felt our communication was
ONA
extremely poor and at times felt like he was ignoring me and didn’t really care for me. So I’m 33 and
haven’t had many experiences with relationships. I have used alcohol and getting drunk as a crutch and
LS
an excuse. So when I would get these feelings I would go out and allow myself to get drunk and make out
with other dudes. Once we started dating he confronted my behaviors and I came clean with all but one
ABO
of the guys I made out with. The last guy was a mutual friend who has a very serious girlfriend and I felt
horrible
UT
for the fact that I allowed the make out to even happen. It actually happened three times, but
after the initial make out, the next times it happened I backed away and told him that it was a bad idea.
Well I spent about 4 or 5 months trying to convince my boyfriend and myself that I had only kissed the
initial guys I came clean about. I get that keeping this last guy from him has only hurt us more. And the
fact that he had to pry it out of me didn’t help either. I have now put everything out on the table, I have
genuinely apologized and have asked him to not give up on us. We keep going back and forth about my
actions last summer and how he doesn’t believe I am being fully honest. He thinks there are more
skeletons in my closet and that I didn’t just make out with these guys. I am so in love with him, he has two
daughters that I adore and love. I keep telling him that trust can be rebuilt and that I am going to try and
be better person for myself, for him, for us and for his girls. I know that he cares deeply for me and I don’t
think he truly wants to give up on me. But he is so hurt from my dishonesty and doesn’t think he could
ever trust me again. I told him that I’m not asking for him to forgive me but to think about the good
qualities I have and put a little hope in that part of me. I don’t want to lose him or his girls. Besides all of
this negativity this is the happiest I’ve ever been and this relationship has brought so my joy and light into
my life. I know I can’t make him stay but how can I prove to him that I am serious and that I don’t ever
want to hurt him again?
GoodTherapy ®
FINDAmir
May 9th, 2018 at 11:22 AM
GET
I’ve been working with my wife on repairing our marriage. I’ve recognized many of the things here,
including not validating her enough, not making her feel accepted or adored and supported, and many
HELP
other shortcomings I feel guilty for in oversight. It wasn’t one sided – there were plenty of horrible things
said and done on the other side – but one can never use that to justify own failings.
LEAR
But its so far gone, that even fixing it is painful. My wife feels so wronged by the past, whether entirely
correctly
N or not, that she’ll curse me out and call me names, put me down and insult me over everything
small and big. She feels justified yelling at me or verbally belittling me every day, and I have to stay quiet
FOR
and just take it and “prove I’m worthy of being treated with respect”.
This is starting to wear me down a lot. I know I have to earn back any deep trust or affection, and
PROF
demonstrate commitment and kindness. But it’s very hard to get through the flagellation to get there.
But I can’t go through non-stop abuse and humiliation to get there.

ESSI
Reply
ONA
LS
what is true love
ABO22nd, 2018 at 2:34 AM
June
True love is just a special feeling .u love someone without condition without knowing any thing…..
thisUT
is called true love …………. do you know anything about love ??
Reply
Mike
July 1st, 2018 at 4:42 AM
Good Morning Dr. Heb,
I met my wife in college and we had a very strong relationship, we eventually had a beautiful baby girl
and she is my greatest accomplishment. My wife and I had set goals in place. I had a rough childhood that
I thought I left in the past, I said some really hurtful things to her and pushed her away. she ended up
leaving and went back home. she begged for almost 8 months but I was so focused on my ambition and
career. eventually, I came to my senses and told her how I felt. I started going to therapy and it has done
wonders.uses
GoodTherapy she said she’stoconvinced
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do love her and I’ve owned up and apologized she said she’s forgiven me but doesn’t think we’ll ever be
do love her and I ve owned up and apologized. she said she s forgiven me but doesn t think we ll ever be
GETthe
together again. she said I LOVE YOU, BUT I JUST DON’T TRUST YOU. I don’t care about LISTED
guy thatLOGIN
she
GoodTherapy ®
goes on dates with. I just want my family back, and I know I messed up. She doesn’t like me calling too
much and says I should give her space. She hasn’t asked for a divorce, and I’m also trying to move closer
to her and my daughter. she said that I should make sure I’m coming close for my daughter and not for
her. She also hasn’t asked for a divorce and I don’t want one either. What do I do?
GET
Reply
HELP
LEAR
Jharryia
My boyfriend
N and I have been together 4yrs. Going into this relationship I did not realize how little I knew
about being in a serious relationship and I made a lot of rookie mistakes, he says I was too
FOR
condescending, I said the wrong things AMD wrong time, I said things you shouldn’t say not only to tour
partner but to a man who at the time was struggling financially and with his self esteem, and he says I
PROF
was selfish and did not think of him enough when he was at his lowest. Since then I have turned all of
that around but it was still very up and down for a long time. Now we are at a crossroads where I’ve hurt
ESSI
him so much that he cant let go and cant forgive me, even though all these events happened at least
2years ago. He keeps saying hes done even though I know hes not, and even though I am not doing any
ofONA
the things I did in the beginning that hurt him. He says that he cant see the good qnd the turn-around
I’ve made now and he feels like he doesnt want to fix it because the damage has been done. I was never
LS
unfaithful. We were even engaged at one point but he took the ring back because we were butting heads
so much. Ironically, underneath all of the junk we get along great and we love each other very much I just
ABO
think there has been a lot of emotional damage done to a person who was already emotionally damaged
from a previous relationship. Every argument we have stems from the past, not even anything that is
UT
going on now. He has now started to get womens phone numbers in bars and at work to prove a point,
and that has made things 10xs worse between us. I let him have it when I found out that he had been
doing that. He was never physically unfaithful, not even emotionally he more so entertained the idea,
which in my mind is just as bad because it could lead to anything. I want to fix this so bad, he is the love
of my life, and I do not want to lose this person because he really is an amazing man. How do I do my
part in fixing this? How do I get him to see that we are repairable?
Reply
Elsie
One of the keys to earning trust back is “patient giving.” That means being patient and not expecting the
GoodTherapy
responseuses cookies
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both of you anyway I would suggest he give up on her while he actively checks on himself and how he’s
both of you anyway. I would suggest he give up on her while he actively checks on himself and how he s
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GoodTherapy
doing with trusting you. If you are working on yourself and so is he, it could still take lots of time. Without
®
more details on your situation, this is all I can say.
Reply
GET
Jharryia
HELPAugust 27th, 2018 at 10:32 AM
To be clear, there is no particular woman he is seeing, more so texting random women who come on
LEARto him to fill a void and prove a point but that’s as far as it’s gone. His hurt is pure anger now. He
felt that I condescended to him a lot, said the worst things to him at the worst times, and maybe the
Nright thing at the wrong times, he does not feel I was supportive in the way he needed me to be
when he most needed it. Like I said I never had a good example of a man or what to do in a healthy
FOR
relationship, so for the most part I was kind of clueless on the fundamentals, so I made a lot of
rookie mistakes. I can see in his heart he wants to try because every now and then he will go back to
PROF
the way he was in the beginning and do nice things for me just because, but then he says he thinks
about everything all over again and gets angry again and hesitates. He has had a hard time
ESSI
forgiving me. Judging from a recent argument, he screamed at the top of his lungs “I know yoire
trying to fix it but you arent trying hard enough because you are still messing up, how long do you
ONA
want me to give you to change, IM HURT! IM HURT! YOU HURT ME!”… I can see I broke his heart, he
has said he still loves but I did so much of the same things over and over again that he isnt as crazy
LS
about me as he was in the beginning. I just need to get that back. How can I make him confident
enough in me to try and forgive?
ABO
Reply
UT
N
He was really into me and we said we would marry then he had to leave the country. i was stupid and i
dated another guy for 3 dates. i didn’t like it and decided i only want to be with my love, but this made
my love lose interest and now he doesn’t see me the same anymore. but he kept saying we would marry
though he didn’t mean it. so i was so heartbroken when i found out that he didn’t mean it.
I see this man as my husband and life partner, but he does not see me that way anymore and is not
attracted or interested, though he has said there is some love but its not romantic. conventional wisdom
says to move on, but im not interested in doing that. id like to show this man i am a safe person to make
a lifelong commitment with, and id like him to feel like he did when we met again. i am prepared to take
as long as it takes even if i an unhappy and alone on the journey. i go and visit him in his country when i
can to try to heal and build the relationship.
can you please give me some constructive advice on how to rekindle his interest and increase trust in the
relationship. and to connect with him. i am trying my best to heal any hurt i have caused with patience
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and saying nice things. its been a year now and things have improved but i don’t feel we have restored
the connection again. Please don’t just advise me to move on because i hear that from everyone.
Reply
GET
november
HELP
i LEAR
have a situation i am not sure how to handle it its been about a week an a half so far my husband sit me
down and told me the situation, he said i am not gonna leave at this point he said ill give you one more
chance
N but if this situation happens again i am done, now neither one of us has ever cheated on the other
and thats not what happen i said some things he didnt like about but he did find out that most of what he
was
FORtold wasnt true, but heres the reason for this post he told me he would give me one more chance to
change and he hasnt told me he doesnt love me anymore hes hasnt said anything like that to my face, a
few days after we sat down and talked about our marriage crumpling down i seen a message he sent to a
PROF
friend of ours and he told her he felt our marriage was like the titanic and then a few posts later or it
might
ESSI of been a few days after i didnt really look at the time and dates he messaged her telling her he is
only staying with me cause of our sons sake, heres my problem why wont he just tell me the truth instead
ofONA
lieing to me, i dont want to keep this going if he clearly isnt happy nor in love with me anymore, thats
how i took it he told me one thing and told someone else something different, he doesnt talk ugly to me
hesLS
nice to me even when our son isnt around he does spend time with me, i understand hes hurt and
upset with me and he has every right to be but i dont know if i should try and save my marriage if i am the
only
ABOone that wants to save it, am i reading this the wrong way or am i reading it the right way and he
doesnt want to be married to me anymore hes only doing it because of our 4 year old its not fair to him
norUT
to our son if he clearly wants out, i dont know if he said it cause hes angry and hurt right now or if he
really means what he said i am so confused on this matter i dont know what to say, like i said he hasnt
told me hes not in love with me anymore i am really confused on which way he wants to go with me
Reply
Catherine
June 29th, 2019 at 8:36 AM
i had a horrible childhood , never knew my parents, and i grew up without the knowledge of who they
were and were they are and what happened to them, so it was not easy. I grew up as an orphan. I was
adopted by a childless couple when i was 7 years old. I graduated from North Carolina High School ( a
public school ) and received my commission, I later joined the United States Army Academy because I
could not go afford the University at that time so the US Government took care of my tuition. After my
Graduation, I joined the US Army and have been doing great until this position. I also hold a Master of
Business Administration degree from the University of Maryland USA.I was raised by my adopted
us ess d st at o deg ee o t eU e s ty o a yla d US . as a sed by y adopted
GETthey
parents, though they were rich, i suffered a lot but i’m always grateful to them because LISTED LOGIN
gave me life,
GoodTherapy
may be without them i will be dead by now
Reply
®
GET
IC
January
HELP 7th, 2020 at 11:52 PM
The best gift you can give to a newly engaged couple-send them to marriage counselling. Some Churches
make
LEAR this mandatory. All of the above mentioned can help to learn what your partner is expecting, your
expectations, how to handle important issues, if you are compatible or if the marriage is not ideal.
N
Reply
FOR
Anonymous
PROF

soESSI
you shouldnt to bother with sluggish net relationship. A large range of beneficial traits to produce your
online going out with adventure pleasant
ONA
Reply
LS
ABO TDS
April 20th, 2020 at 11:51 AM
UT
I cannot get past the hurt that I feel. I fought for 2+ Yrs to just be a normal person and do normal things
and my partner always had a problem accepting the fact that she isn’t the center of my world and all we
did was argue over it. I finally left the relationship and she is still hanging on and has shown that she is
trying to make changes…I think it is now on me I am not sure if I am ready to move past it or maybe it is
too late for me? I find myself very hyper-sensitive when questioned by her as I feel I should not have to
tell her everything I do or think or say to other people, maybe she is just asking out of curiosity but I don’t
like being questioned…I had enough of it from the time before, how do I move past this???
Reply
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Long-Term Relationships - Rebuilding Love After Emotional Damage PDF

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5/5/2020 Long-Term Relationships: Rebuilding Love After Emotional Damage

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FIND TELEHEALTH SELECT A STATE

These two parts are inextricably bound up

So what is it you’re receiving when you fall in love?

Here are some steps that you both can take:

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FIND TELEHEALTH SELECT A STATE

FIND TELEHEALTH SELECT A STATE

ABO Mary/ Diane

June 14th, 2017 at 6:36 AM

GETNovember 5th, 2016 at 1:47 PM

Reply GET LISTED LOGIN

need marriage counseling

FIND TELEHEALTH SELECT A STATE

strange and analyze our traffic.

June 11th, 2014 at 12:39 PM GET LISTED LOGIN

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FIND TELEHEALTH SELECT A STATE

Beautiful kids. Thank u so much.

FIND TELEHEALTH SELECT A STATE

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will be willing to take a chance again.

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DrDeb GET LISTED LOGIN

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love her. Please help me what should I do.

The GoodTherapy.org Team

FIND TELEHEALTH SELECT A STATE

Reply GET LISTED LOGIN

and the girl? Very fishy to me. GET LISTED LOGIN

FIND TELEHEALTH SELECT A STATE

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Im so confused, lonely and lost right now.

I apologize for the lengthy post.

FIND TELEHEALTH SELECT A STATE

want to make everything right

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September 5th, 2014 at 4:45 AM GET LISTED LOGIN

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Steve S. GET LISTED LOGIN

sherrel s. GET LISTED LOGIN

September 9th, 2014 at 5:21 PM GET LISTED LOGIN

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September 9th, 2014 at 5:33 PM

ONADr deb please could you give me advice?

nesma GET LISTED LOGIN

GET September 12th, 2014 at 3:23 PM

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I mean three months ago. Sorry about that..

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appreciated! GET LISTED LOGIN

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Marty GET LISTED LOGIN

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September 22nd, 2014 at 3:40 PM

I really need your help. Its urgent. Thank you DrDeb.

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cheating on analyze our cheating

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