Assistance by Leslye Headland PDF

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Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

1
SCENE ONE -- EVENING

Manhattan. Somewhere Below Canal Street. 8pm.
We are in the ANTECHAMBER of an affluent man’s

OFFICE. The Assistants work in this antechamber.
The office belongs to their Boss, Daniel Weisinger.
We don’t have any idea what business they are in.
Daniel’s OFFICE is tucked away upstage. Empty at

present. His office door is ajar. Through it., we see
hints of his expensive tastes and luxurious lifestyle.
The ANTECHAMBER is the exact opposite. A

miserable prison. Exposed brick. Bleak walls. An
ominous clock. Bookcases stuffed with binders. Filing
cabinets spill over with manila folders. Fed-Ex packages,
inter-office envelopes and unopened mail. Fax machines,
printers, and scanners. Coffee machine.
There are THREE DESKS. Each desk is equipped with

a laptop computer, a desk phone with headset, legal
pads and pens.
In two of these desks, sit NICK and VINCE.
NICK (mid to late 20s) is a goofy guy with a genuine wit

he dulls down to a slapstick “buddy” persona in the
office environment.
VINCE (mid to late 20s) is a slick frat boy, definitely

going places. His desk is clean except for a small BOX
of personal belongings.
They type away in silence. Vince lets out a long hard

sigh. Then more typing. Until...
NICK
(re: Vince’s sigh)
What was that?
VINCE
The new girl was supposed to start today.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

2
NICK
New girl...
VINCE
Never got around to training her.
NICK
...Hmm...
VINCE
Shit. It’s eight. She’s been in the lobby since four.
NICK
...Yeah... sooooooo...
VINCE
I hate girls.
NICK
...I know...
VINCE
They’re so stressful.
NICK
...I am so listening to you...
VINCE
You’ll train her tonight. Like really quickly.
NICK
Why am I training her? You’re leaving.
VINCE
You’re staying.
NICK
Exactly.
VINCE
Exactly.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

3
NICK
I’m sorry. What are we talking about? I did too much smack today.
VINCE
New girl... Lobby since four...
NICK
It’s eight... I’m training her-- Why?
VINCE
You interviewed her.
NICK
Because I’m staying.
VINCE
So you train her.
NICK
Because you’re leaving?
Nick and Vince imitate their boss, Daniel.
[NOTE: The Assistants’ Daniel imitations should not

strive for realistic representation but recall a child’s
playful exaggeration of an adult. Their voices go to a
nasal growl. Their physicality resembles a cross between
a velociraptor and an overweight cat.]
VINCE
(as Daniel)
“Do you GET it, Nick? I mean, Nick, I mean, you get it, right?”
NICK
(as Daniel)
“Oooh! Ooof!”
VINCE
(as Daniel)
“I mean, you GEEEEEE-yet EE-ut?!”
NICK
(as Daniel)
“Oooooooh! Is that my new girl right THAAAAAAAR!!!”
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

4
VINCE
(as Daniel)
“Jiminy Crickets!”
They type. A pause.
NICK
How long do you think she’ll last?
VINCE
New girl?
NICK
She’s coming from Canal Street.
VINCE
Yikes. Three months?
NICK
You don’t even know how long she’s been at Canal Street.
VINCE
Six weeks-ish.
NICK
How did you know that?
VINCE
It’s called paying attention. You should check it out. Completely painless procedure.
NICK
Crickets.
VINCE
(as Daniel)
“Neeeeeeee-yuk.”
The phone RINGS. It’s deafening.
Both boys put on their headsets. Vince answers the call.

[NOTE: The Assistants always use headsets when on
calls.]
VINCE
Daniel Weisinger’s office.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

5
He mutes his headset. [NOTE: The Assistants do this

often. It is done by pressing a button on their phone.]
VINCE
(to Nick)
Get Harris.
NICK
Getting Harris.
Vince un-mutes himself. Nick dials.
VINCE
(to Daniel)
Uh-huh. Okay. Yep. Yep. That e-mail came in earlier.
(reads an email off his laptop)
“Dear Daniel, We received the new contract. Below are our concerns regarding--”
Daniel interrupts Vince. Vince writes on his legal pad.

[NOTE: This happens a lot. They are being interrupted
by Daniel and take notes on his requests.]
Yep. Got it.
NICK
Hello, Harris-MENT...
He winks at Vince. Vince mutes himself.
VINCE
(to Nick)
Stop doing that.
Vince un-mutes himself.
NICK
...we’ve got Daniel calling for you.
Nick puts his call on hold.
VINCE
(to Daniel)
Yep. Okay. And we have Harris. Just a moment.
Vince puts Daniel on hold.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

6
VINCE
Which line? Two?
NICK
Harris loves his nickname.
VINCE
(practically shouting)
DANIEL is HOLDING.
Vince picks up a line.
Harris? Hi. Here’s Daniel.
He connects the call.
Daniel, you’re on with Harris.
He puts the call on hold and takes off his headset. He

speaks in a singingly passive aggressive voice. The only
way I can think to describe it is in an Ace Ventura voice.
Or a Robert Goulet voice.
I can’t wait to leave you here to rot for all eternity!!
NICK
(normal voice)
There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you--
Vince notices the “on hold” button flashing.
VINCE
Who’s on three?
NICK
(gestures to his face)
--is that a beard?
VINCE
What’s on three?
NICK
Justin.
VINCE
The intern?
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7
NICK
Yep.
VINCE
For how long?
NICK
Ten minutes.
VINCE
Crickets!
NICK
Five. Okay? Five minutes. I told him I had Daniel calling for him.
VINCE
So he’s been shitting himself for ten minutes?
NICK
Five. Watch this.
Nick picks up the line and puts it on speakerphone. We

hear Justin’s voice.
NICK
(in a higher voice)
Justin?
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE]

Yeah?
NICK
We’re just trying to get a hold of Daniel. He asked for you and then had to jump on
another call. Hang in there, buddy.

Do you have any idea what this is about?
NICK
Something about the company-wide e-mail you sent out about the mail-run being an hour
late on Monday.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

8

I only did that because Erin was out sick. It’s not even my job. I’m sorry. Did it… Was
it wrong? Or something… Sorry.
Vince looks at the phone.
VINCE
(to Nick)
Daniel’s off. Who’s next on his phonesheet?
NICK
James.
VINCE
Get him.

Hello?
NICK
(to Justin)
Gotta jump.
VINCE
THREE him!
Nick pushes the number “3” on his phone

keypad. This produces a loud, piercing
BEEEEEEEEEEP!

Ugh! What was that?
Nick hangs up. Nick and Vince put their headsets on.
The phone RINGS.
Vince answers. Nick dials.
VINCE
NICK
Getting James.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

9
VINCE
(to Daniel)
James called. At three thirty. We’re getting him now. You were in your appointment.
Daniel.
Vince snaps his fingers at Nick.
Yep. Yep. You were in your-- You told me not to.
NICK
Leaving word for James.
VINCE
(to Daniel)
We left word for James at the office. We’re trying his cell.
NICK VINCE
(leaves a message) (to Daniel)
Hey there. We have ... ...I’m not lying. I am
Daniel Weisinger calling not lying Daniel.
for Mr. James. Please give
us a call back at the office
as soon as possible.
Thank you.
Nick ends his call. Dials.
NICK
Trying James’s cell.
VINCE
(to Daniel)
You made it very clear you didn’t want to be interrupted.
Vince mutes himself.
(to Nick)
I will personally rape your mother if you don’t get James on the phone, Nick.
Vince un-mutes himself.
Actually I will repeat what you said to me verbatim, Daniel. You said that if I
interrupted you with a call that I could forget about being promoted and that I would
actually be demoted. Demoted to the lowest common denominator which would be
nothing. Nothing at the bottom of nowhere.
Nick waves wildly at Vince.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

10
NICK
Hello, Mr. James. We have Daniel calling for you.
VINCE
(to Daniel)
And we have James.
NICK
Just a moment.
Nick puts his call on hold.
James on two.
VINCE
I commit everything you say to memory, Daniel. That’s what I will miss most about
working in this office... ...Yep. Yep. Here’s James.
Mr. James, you’re on with Daniel.
He puts the call on hold.
Okaaaay.....
Suddenly and with great violence, Vince stands, picks

up the desk phone and goes to throw it.
NICK
New Girl needs that.
Vince stops himself. He puts the phone down carefully.

Then...
VINCE
YOU SAD STUPID RICH FUCKHEAD! FUUCKKK YOUU!!!
Vince sits down and types.
A decent lengthy pause.
NICK
Have you seen this video where a break-dancer accidentally kicks a baby?
VINCE
Hey, Nick—
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

11
NICK
That baby FEE-lies.
VINCE
By the time Daniel gets off this call, he’ll be upstate. He’ll sign off for the weekend. I’m
gonna move the rest of my stuff into my new office.
NICK
It’s more like a desk.
VINCE
I’m going to my desk. I’ll send in the New Girl. Train her. At least rehearse the routine
with her a couple times.
NICK
You’re not gonna cover the phones?
VINCE
Get the New Girl to do it. Throw her in the deep end. Slap a “Kick Me” sign on her
back.
NICK
Only if you admit you’re growing a beard.
VINCE
Ooooooo--OH!
NICK
And if Daniel asks for you?
VINCE
You can reach me at my desk.
NICK
Oooooooooh!
VINCE
Over and OWW-oot!
Vince gathers up his things. He starts to exit.
Hey, Nick...
NICK
Yep.
VINCE
You should ask for more money.
NICK
Yeah.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

12
VINCE
Now. While he really needs you.
NICK
He didn’t need me before?
VINCE
Not while I was here.
NICK
Thanks.
VINCE
You’re the first assistant now.
NICK
By default.
VINCE
I’m just telling you what someone told me when I was you. More money. Today.
NICK
I’ll write him an e-mail.
VINCE
Don’t put it in writing. Have I taught you nothing? Grow a dick and ask him.
NICK
I’ll write him an e-mail. And what’s this “First Assistant” nonsense? This consolation
kerfuffle, if you will. This washer/dryer instead of a car mish-mosh. Why don’t you just
call me what I really am?
VINCE
A vagina?
NICK
The last man standing.
VINCE
You know what you need?
NICK
A girlfriend?
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

13
VINCE
Oh for Chrissakes, no. That just gave me the most horrific mental picture. How long have
you been here?
NICK
Seventeen months.
VINCE
You need an exit strategy. You need to start formulating that shit now.
NICK
Can you give me the rough outline of an exit strategy? Something I could lovingly nurture
from advice to reality?
VINCE
Find someone who wants to be better at your job than you… Then make sure they
succeed.
NICK
So… do what you did to me… only to someone else.
VINCE
You’re a smart guy. I don’t care what the finance department says.
They exchange a handshake/fist-tap.
Check you later, vagina.
NICK
Don’t forget to dance it out.
Vince dances.
VINCE
Dancing as we speak.
NICK
Dance it oooooooooooowwww-oot!
Vince exits. Nick types an e-mail.
The phone RINGS. Nick answers.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

14
NICK
Daniel Weisinger's office... Tina! TEENY! TEENY DANCER! What’s happening?...
No. I haven’t given Daniel your memo yet. We’ve been swamped... Swamp Meet...
Swamped out... Yes... ...Me? I’m just putting the finishing touches on a very special email
now. Then I’m out for the weekend... No, well, the meeting on Tuesday is a go!
You know I take care of you! Tuesday’s confirmed. Confirmed like a twelve-year-old
Catholic.
NORA (mid to late 20s) enters. She is an awkward

young woman. Sexy but not pretty. She wears a button
down and skirt that are a size too tight. Her heels are
uncomfortable. She’s “making a good impression.”
Gotta go. Lines are blowing up. Jumping now. Bye.
He hangs up.
Nora and Nick look at each other for a second.
It’s something at first sight. I don’t know what but

something. Plus they’ve already met each other. So
there’s that.
Hi, Nora.
NORA
Hi, Nick.
NICK
Good to see you again. So soon.
NORA
Thanks for hiring me.
NICK
Yeah well, you know, your resume was great. Daniel sort of read it. Plus you did a great
job with that storage move a couple weeks ago. So... congrats! How was the lobby?
NORA
Great. All four hours of it were great.
NICK
Right. Nora...
NORA
Yes.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

15
NICK
Noooooooooora... ah.
NORA
Uh-huh.
NICK
Gotta think of a good one for that.
NORA
Good what?
NICK
Good nickname. Everyone needs a good nickname.
NORA
Except you. Cuz you’re “Nick.”
NICK
Wow. You’re kind of smart.
NORA
College will do that to you.
NICK
You excited?
NORA
About the job?
NICK
About the journey...
NORA
Yeah. I mean, I’m ready but I’m--
NICK NORA
You were born ready. (sotto)
--I’m pretty terrified.
NICK
That’s an interesting... outfit.
NORA
Well, I wasn’t sure what the dress code was here so I... well, I bought this yesterday.
Like it was the first day of school or something. And now I’m telling you about it.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

16
Which of course, sort of defeats the purpose of buying the new outfit for the new job.
But none of my other clothes are like this so you would’ve found out anyway. It was
really expensive too. Which was stupid. Because I was only gonna wear it once.
NICK
Every day is Casual Friday here--
NORA
Great. What else do I need to know.
NICK
You get the phones, right? You did that whole song and dance at the Canal Street office.
NORA
Yep.
NICK
Same thing here only do it faster.
NORA
Okay.
NICK
And that is... basically it.
NORA
But what about his e-mails, traveling with him, all his personal stuff?
NICK
You’ll pick it up as you go along.
NORA
I don’t wanna screw anything up.
NICK
You will. You will screw shit up. That’s inevitable.
NORA
Comforting.
NICK
But you gotta have no short term memory. Like a pro quarterback. You throw an
interception. Shake it off. You’ll be back on the field in ten minutes and you better be
ready to score.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

17
NORA
But what about...
NICK
Daniel?
NORA
I mean, I hear he’s really...
NICK
Grumpy?
NORA
That’s a kind way of putting it.
NICK
He’s nicer to girls so you’ve got that going for you.
NORA
I’m sort of... I mean, should I be scared? Cuz I’m scared...
NICK
Don’t be. He’s awesome.
NORA
That’s not what I heard.
NICK
No. He’s awesome. And working in his office... it’s like... Have you ever seen
“Goodfellas?”
NORA
Yes.
NICK
Working for Daniel is like living the last thirty minutes of “Goodfellas” over and over
again. Every day is the day you’re coked out of your mind and you’ve got a million
things to do and everything that could go wrong does go wrong. And the narcs are
shadowing you in a helicopter. And you get royally fucked by the very people you
dedicated your life to… but MAN!… What a rush!? Right?
NORA
Sounds like it could be.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

18
NICK
You know it!
NORA
Where did Vince go?
NICK
Across the hall.
NORA
Raise?
NICK
Never.
NORA
Manager?
NICK
Director.
NORA
Whoa.
NICK
I know.
NORA
Shit. Thought he’d go Manager.
NICK
Not my broseph, Vince… straight to Director. Like a pimp.
NORA
I never liked that guy.
NICK
No way! New girl’s a shit-talker!?
NORA
Oh come on. I’m not.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

19
NICK
This is great! We need a shit-talker!
NORA
The Canal Street interns call Vince “Charles Manson”. Vince always hits on them in that
“I have a more important job than you so my dick is suddenly bigger” way.
NICK
I know exactly what you mean.
NORA
Vince hit on you...?
NICK
That guy is so ego-testicle.
Nora giggles.
But I promise I will never ever EVER, like, EVER hit on you.
NORA
Good.
NICK
I find you repulsive.
NORA
Good.
NICK
In fact, after I interviewed you, I spent the entire afternoon throwing up.
Nora giggles. Nick stares at her. Nora gets sort of

annoyed at him for looking at her like that.
NORA
What?
NICK
I just... no one’s ever actually laughed at my jokes before.
NORA
Well, I’m easy. Where should I?
Nick gestures at Vince’s empty desk.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

20
NICK
It’s all yours. Own it.
NORA
Okay...
She sits down at Vince’s old desk.
The phone RINGS.
Nick checks the caller ID. He stiffens.
NICK
Wait!
Before he can warn her, Nora answers the call.
NORA
Daniel Weisinger's office... Hi Daniel. This is Nora. I’m sorry? Oh... I just started... I
mean, I just walked in the door... Canal Street. Oh, well... Vince isn’t here. He’s--
Nick makes a slashing motion across his neck.
Oh shit. Oh shit. One second.
She puts the call on hold.
NICK
Rule Number One. Never curse while you’re on the phone with him. Rule Number Two.
NEVER put him on hold.
Nick picks up the call.
Daniel? Nick. Yep. She’s our new... She’s... Yep... Yep.
He writes on his legal pad.
I didn’t put you on hold. Nora... didn’t know... It’s not her fault... ...Okay. Yes. It is
my fault then... Yes. Canal Street. Six weeks. She’s the only candidate whose resume
you... Yep. Yes. I’ll tell her... No. I think she’ll do good. She just... “Well.” I think
she’ll do well. I said “Well.” I think she’ll do well. I said that... Okay. Yes. I said
“Good”. Yes. I lied to you. Yes. I know how to read. I will make sure I do that... Vince
is across the hall... ...I do know that. …He is smarter than me. Smarter than “I”…
A pause.
...I apologize. I shouldn’t have sent that email. I won’t put something like that in writing again.
Daniel... I’m sorry. Yes... ...I understand.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

21
Nick ends the call.
NORA
I think he tried to call me a “shit-head” and an “idiot” at the same time and it came out
“Shit-Edi-It.”
NICK
That happens a lot with him. The insults get creative.
NORA
Insults build character.
NICK
They do. They do that.
NORA
I’m sorry.
NICK
No big deal.
NORA
I am sorry though I--
NICK
Rookie mistake. When you want to cuss out him or anyone else, just mute yourself.
Look.
He dials.
A softer phone RING.
I’m calling your side line. Pick me up.
Nora picks up .
NORA
Hello?
NICK
Hi, it’s Nick. I’m a person. I’m talking to you. Can you hear me?
NORA
Yes.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

22
NICK
Now, watch. I hit that green button on my keypad.
He mutes himself.
I’m still talking. But you can’t hear me on the phone, right?
Nora nods.
Press it again and you’re back on.
He un-mutes himself.
Hello, Nora.
NORA
Hi, Nick.
NICK
We do it all the time. Helps move things along while we’re on the phone with him. Cuts
down on the crazy.
Nick notices Nora is upset.
Hey... Listen... Don’t go there. Where you’re going right now. Don’t go there.
NORA
Okay.
NICK
Can I ask you something?
NORA
Yeah.
NICK
Here we are. I’m on the phone with you. We are also looking at each other.
NORA
Yes.
NICK
Why do you want to work here? In this office...
NORA
Well, it’s just what you do. When you work here.
NICK
Not necessarily.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

23
NORA
He’s my hero.
NICK
Daniel?
NORA
Like, when I was younger, maybe fifteen, I read an article about him in the
Washington Post and it... well, I decided that I wanted to do that. You know. So I went
to the library and rifled through the periodicals and the mircofiche and studied his...
career. So whatever, I got a dream, you know. Like he, or what he’s done anyway, gave
me a dream. I never thought about what I wanted to do until I discovered him. So I went
to the same college he did. I got the job at Canal Street. Intern, Receptionist, Assistant
and now Assistant to the President. Assistant to Daniel. So I’m getting closer. This is
sort of a big day for me.
She notices Nick’s expression.

...What?
NICK
I think I’m gonna hang up now.
NORA
Right. Well, now that we’ve been people briefly we can go back to being assistants.
They hang up on each other.

You think I’m crazy. You asked me a simple question and I--
NICK
No. No. I mean, I’m a little surprised you got past security--
NORA
Oh. Shut. Up.
NICK
He wants me to come in tomorrow so I’ll finish up here. You can head out.
NORA
Why don’t I come in tomorrow?
NICK
You might be a serial killer. You’re definitely a stalker but you might also be a serial
killer.
NORA
Let me do it.
NICK
Nooooo... Raaaaah...
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

24
NORA
Let me make it up to you. I just fucked up that call. I can do this.
NICK
You really want to come in on a Saturday.
NORA
I do. My boyfriend’s parents are in town. I’d love a reason to not meet them.
NICK
You sure? That sounds like it might be... important.
NORA
It’s not. This is. I gotta start getting good at some point.
NICK
Saturdays are a little complicated. You need to make sure his driver is available and can
be upstate by nine AM. Driver’s info is on that Post-It taped to your computer screen
there. You need to contact the nanny so you can coordinate anything with his kids. You
need to know the kids’ schedule backwards and forwards because at any moment he will
ask you about it…
Nick continues instructing Nora until...
BLACKOUT.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

25
INTERLUDE
Vince at his new desk. He e-mails on his blackberry.

He puts on his headset and makes a call.
VINCE
PREEE-moted. Promoted. It’s official. Director. Dee-OR-rector. As of two weeks ago.
Pause.
Exactly. Absolutely. No kidding.

Pause.
Of course. OF COURSE! I know but we should talk about that as soon as possible. I
think so anyway. You’re a good person. So am I. We’re great people and I love this and
you and the whole thing. I think it could totally work.
Pause.
I love the idea of him. Yes. Oh yeah. He could do it. He could TOTALLY do it. He
could do it. He could. We just need to get him. See if he’s available and then he’ll do the
crap out of it. You know? Absolutely. I love this.
Pause.
No. I’ve got a landline, a business card, a cell phone, a blackberry, a desk, don’t have an
assistant yet but I’ve got an intern I just planted my flag in and you know what I mean
when I say that so… I’ve got a fucking home number that’s how reachable I
am. I’m uber-reachable. You reach out. I’m there. I’m here. I’m wherever it is that you
need me. Have someone send me every conceivable way of getting in contact with you. I
need that in my life right now.
Laughs loud, hard and long. Too long. Awkward.
That’s what I’m saying! He could do it. I’ll have my intern find out if he’s available.
And when I say my intern, I mean the assistant that I’m not paying. Best kind. School
credit. That intern humped my leg so much today that I thought my pants were gonna
catch fire.
Pause.
This is great. You’re great. You look great. That’s the most important thing. When it
comes right down to it. Better to look good than feel good. You do! You look incredible.
I wanted to fuck you so hard last time I saw you at the thing with the guy from that last
project you kicked the shit out of. Fuck you so hard that when I came it would shoot out
of your mouth. Jesus. JESUS! Jesus would fuck you that’s how hot you are.
Pause.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

26
Call me. E-mail me. Do whatever you gotta do. What are you doing tonight? Where are
you right now?
Pause.
Text me when you get out. I’ll be in the area so yeah... get on that. I wanna see you.
Make it happen. Or I’ll slice your stomach open and finger your liver. Chew on your
small intestine. Got it. Yeah.
Pause.
From now on, don’t say goodbye to me. Ever. Just hang up on me. That’s what I want
and need. Hang up. Just hang up.
Pause.
Hello? Hello?
He ends the call. He types on his blackberry for a

moment. Then he looks up and stares at nothing.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

27
SCENE TWO -- NIGHT

Same location. Eleven PM.
A year later.
The office is the same but messier. Daniel’s office may

have more awards in it.
Nick and Nora type away without looking at each other.
NICK
Norbert.
NORA
Not my name.
NICK
Norwellian.
NORA
Can’t hear you.
NICK
Norwegian Wood.
NORA
What is it, Nick?
NICK
Important.
NORA
Okay. Yep. Uh-huh.
NICK
About some important business things.
NORA
Nick, if you play that song again--
Nick presses a button on his laptop. A song plays.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

28
It should be something insanely catchy in the first five

seconds. A song that would immediately stick in your
head for the rest of the day. [e.g. “Vanished” by the
Crystal Castles]
Nick bobs his head. Nora stares at him.
After a few moments, he turns the music off.
NICK
That’s it. That’s all you get right now.
NORA
What a guy!
The phone RINGS. Nick answers.
NICK
Yep. Okay. Got it.
He mutes himself.
Get Katherine.
He un-mutes himself. Nora dials.
NICK NORA
Yep. Okay. Got it. Getting Katherine.
Nick reads back a draft of an e-mail just dictated to him.
NICK NORA
“Dear Arthur, I appreciate (to Nick)
the sentiment. I will be in Cell’s going straight to
Chicago on Tuesday. My voicemail. Leaving word.
office will set a lunch--”
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

29
NICK NORA
(to Daniel) (Leaves a message)
Okay. You got it. We left Hi, Katherine. We have
word for Katherine on her Daniel calling for you.
cell. It went straight to Please give us a call back at
voicemail. the office when you get
this. Thanks.
Nora ends her call. Dials.
NORA
Trying her at home.
NICK
(to Daniel)
Alex Falter sent you an e-mail. “We are looking to go ahead with the next phase of...”
Yep. Yep.
Nora gestures wildly to Nick.
NORA
Hi, Katherine! We have Daniel calling for you. Just a moment.
NORA NICK
Katherine on four. Aaaaaand we have
Katherine.
NICK
Okay. Sure. Yep. And here’s Katherine.
He puts Daniel on hold and picks up Katherine.
Katherine? Here’s Daniel.
Daniel, you’re on with Katherine.
He puts the call on hold. Both Nick and Nora type

furiously during the following exchange.
NORA
Do you think being married to Daniel is easier than working for him?
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

30
NICK
The hours are probably better. Is it really eleven?
NORA
Maybe I have this all wrong. Maybe I should’ve married money--
NICK
Yay feminism.
NORA
--Instead of earning it. It’s eleven pm at night!?
NICK
Those who marry for money earn it. My Aunt Gloria said that.
NORA
Jesus. Did we eat dinner?
NICK
Nope. And also I don’t have an Aunt Gloria. I tricked you!
NORA
Reminds me. Someone didn’t give Ed Chompers the “Daniel-Quit-Drinking” memo.
NICK
Which means WE--
(points to himself and Nora)
--get to drink the “thanks for being a genius” scotch.
NORA
Twenty year old scotch for dinner!
NICK
We should save it for a special occasion.
NORA
Just pour it on my grave.
NICK
Dark. Will you call Heather? Daniel’s going to Chicago on Tuesday.
NORA
Will he actually be in Chicago on Tuesday?
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

31
NICK
That’s what he told Arthur.
NORA
‘Cuz the last time he was gonna “be in Chicago on Tuesday” Chicago ended up being
Denver and Tuesday was the following Saturday.
NICK
I say we plan on Chicago on Tuesday. Just for fun.
NORA
Heather’ll have a meltdown. We couldn’t send her to LA.
NICK
Justin will go.
NORA
Justin went to LA.
NICK
Heather will go.
NORA
We can’t send Heather. He’ll kill her. He’ll kill us first then he’ll kill Heather.
NICK
Justin’s thrilled not to be an intern anymore. He’ll do whatever we tell him.
She dials.
NORA
What about Falter’s e-mail? He didn’t even let you read it. They need to talk about the
negotiation deadline for the--
NICK
He’s eating something beautiful right now.
NORA
Really?!
NICK
Some sort of toast.
NORA
A. Maz. Ing.
(to Heather)
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

32
Hiiii, Heather. How are you? Borderline suicidal. So... the same. Where are you? ...
...We sent you to do that, like, an hour ago. Why is it taking so long? You’re in a cab
now? Ooooooooooooooooh...
NICK
OoooooooooHHHHHH---oooh!
Nora mutes herself.
NORA
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
She un-mutes herself.
Heather? Guess who’s going to Chicago?
Nick notices Daniel has ended his call with Katherine.
NICK
They’re off.
Nora mutes herself.
NORA
Get him on with Falter. Or read him the rest of the e-mail.
NICK
(huge sarcastic wink)
No problem, Norgan Donor!
Nora un-mutes herself.
NORA
No. I’m still here. Some shiny things distracted me. Listen, he’s saying he’s gonna be in
Chicago on Tuesday. Thoughts on that...
The phone RINGS. Nick answers it.
NORA
Heather… Heather…
NICK
Daniel Weisinger's office.
NORA
Calm down.
Nick mutes himself.
NICK
Get Falter.
He un-mutes himself.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

33
NORA NICK
Did you get to his Your conference call
apartment? Wait. Which tomorrow morning got
apartment did you go to? pushed to-- Yep. Yep.
NORA NICK
I gotta put you on hold for Yep. Okay.
a second. One sec.
Nick writes on his legal pad.
Nora puts Heather on hold. She dials.
NORA
Getting Falter. Did he ask for him?
There’s a pause. Nick makes a face.
NORA
What’s happening?
Nick mutes himself.
NICK
All I’m getting is toast right now.
NORA
Genius!!
NICK
Whole ear full of toast.
NORA
I should’ve majored in toast.
NICK
Little known fact about Daniel. Majored in toast. Minored in bagel.
NORA
(to Falter)
Good evening, Mr. Falter. We have Daniel calling for you.
Nick un-mutes himself.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

34
NICK
Yes! I’m here... Got it. And... we have Falter holding for you. No... He’s calling in
right now.
Nora mutes herself.
NORA
You sneaky fuck!
Just a moment for Daniel.
Nick points at Nora. It’s a gesture that reads: “Oh

yes!”
Nora reciprocates with a geeky “Raise the Roof”

gesture.
Nick mutes himself.
NICK
Are you raising the roof?
Nora licks her middle finger then flips him the bird.
Nora and Nick un-mute.
NORA NICK
Nope. Mr. Falter. He asked Yep. Yep. No. Okay...
for you specifically he’s aaaaand remember we have
just wrapping up—You Falter for you. Great.
don’t know what we’ve Great. Here he is.
been through to get you
two -- Hold just a
moment!
They both put their calls on hold.
NICK
What line?
NORA
Five. Wait! No! Heather’s on five. Falter’s on six.
NICK
You sure?!
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

35
NORA
OhMyGod! DANIEL’S HOLDING!
NICK
Just testing you stalker…
He picks up the line.
NICK
Alex, here’s Daniel.
Daniel, you’re on with Alex.

He puts the call on mute..
NORA
(as Daniel)
“Jiminy Crickets.”
NICK
(as Daniel)
“That was a KEEEY-LOS one! I mean, PHEW!”
Nora picks up Heather.
NORA
Heather? We were rolling. Rolling. Rolling calls.
Nick and Nora exchange a look. They are mystified.
Nick goes into Daniel’s office.
Where are you? Where? ... ... So you’re a block away. Then why am I on the phone
with you? I’ll talk to you when you get up here…
Nora ends the call.
He totally knows we tricked him into talking to Falter. Oh God. He totally knows...
He’s gonna nail us. We’re gonna get smoked Oww-oot.
NICK
(off-stage)
Shake it off.
NORA
You’re right. Expense reports! The finance department are such savages. I had no idea
they won’t pay his Amex bill unless we do them and we’re six months behind. I never
should’ve put Heather in charge of them.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

36
NICK
(off-stage)
Shake it off, Nora.
NORA
It’s what I get for slacking. I gotta teach myself Excel tonight.
She pounds her hand with her fist.
COME ON! NORA! FOCUS!
Nick re-enters. He has a carton of Nat Sherman

cigarettes.
NICK
You know, you’d be really good at this job if you stopped letting him psych you out.
NORA
It’s not my fault! When someone tries to psych me out, I get psyched out. That’s cause
and effect.
NICK
Relax, principessa.
NORA
A year ago I was relaxed. Now it hurts when I pee. What’s that?
NICK
A present. I got you.
NORA
(imitates buzzer)
Errrr. Nope.
NICK
Spoils of war. No one told Jamson Daniel quit smoking.
Nick tosses her the carton. She opens it. She takes out
a pack, opens it and takes a cigarette for herself.
NICK
Could you do me a favor? Could you open those slower?
Nora throws the pack to Nick. It hits him in the head.
NICK
That was... the highlight of my night. That was... the best thing ever.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

37
NORA
Light?
Nick lights himself a cigarette then tosses her the

matches. Nora lights up.
NORA
These taste like an especially good episode of Mad Men.
NICK
They should at seventeen bucks a pack. Soon only the rich will smoke.
NORA
Only the rich will be allowed to destroy themselves. The poor will have to live forever.
NICK
And the meek shall inherit.
NORA
Were you raised Catholic?
NICK
Yeah.
NORA
Me too!
NICK
Oh.... I know.
NORA
Fuck off.
NICK
Did you talk to Heather?
NORA
Yep.
NICK
Stop encouraging that one and start using some Jedi Mind Tricks!
NORA
I don’t wanna manipulate Heather into going to Chicago.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

38
NICK
I’ve been meaning to mention something. You’ve been here for a year now. And it’s time
to break this to you.
A dramatic pause.
This. Is. The Job.
NORA
You’d think selling our souls would be more profitable. We’d make more money balloonfolding
at children’s parties. You’ve been here over two years and he hasn’t bumped you
up a cent.
Nick doesn’t respond. He types.
Nick.
NICK
Yes, Nordic Track.
NORA
Is there something you want to tell me?
NICK
I know magic.
HEATHER (late 20s to early 30s) enters like a

whirlwind of stress. She holds a huge bouquet of
flowers, several tote-bags and shopping bags full of
books. She is a nice but frenetic-looking girl.
HEATHER
So I dropped off the printer and walked the dog because I don’t think anyone has done
that since Daniel left. I called Freddie but he said no one asked him to do it.
NORA
I asked him to do it.
HEATHER
I knew he was lying! That fucking guy! Anything that’s not driving the Mercedes is
outside his realm of understanding.
NICK
You’re so racist.
HEATHER
What? I’m not... he’s just...
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

39
NORA
So it’s fine. Dog’s been walked.
HEATHER
Yes. I went to FedEx and sent the Kempler contract so we don’t have to worry about
scanning all seventy-two pages individually. I JUST made it there. Right before they
closed. So awesome. I slipped in and begged the guy to take it even though he said it’s
apparently--
(HUGE finger quotes)
--“illegal” to take something after nine PM.
NORA
I’ve gotten that before.
HEATHER
Bullshit.
NICK
Did you do Saturday delivery?
HEATHER
What?
NORA
Oh Christ. Heather. Tell me you did Saturday delivery.
HEATHER
It’s Friday. It’s obvious that it’s Saturday delivery. I told him it had to be there
tomorrow.
NORA
But did you actually check the “Saturday delivery” box?
A pause.
HEATHER
I must have.
NICK
Ooooooooooooooooh!
HEATHER
Please don’t. Please.
Heather puts her things down at the unoccupied desk.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

40
NICK
Have you guys seen David After Dentist? “Is this real life?”
He dials.
NORA
I’ll messenger Kempler. I know a shady courier service.
HEATHER
No! You’re already covering my ass with the expense reports.
NICK
“Why is this happening to me?
NORA
It’s fine. I’ll handle these.
HEATHER
Please! GIVE ME STUFF TO DO!
NORA
We did!
NICK
“Will this be forever?”
NORA
Did you buy the books?
HEATHER
They only had five copies at Barnes and Noble. Got those. Got ten copies from the
other one uptown. I have six copies on hold at a used book store on sixty-eighth.
NICK
(on his call, he says “Marshmellow” like “Hello”)
Marshmellow, Ken!
HEATHER
I have to go back up there.
NORA
You didn’t get them?!
HEATHER
Please, please don’t…
NICK
No. I said “hello Ken”. Where are you getting “marshmellow” from?
Nick gestures to Nora like “That Crazy Ken always
makin a joke”. Nora rolls her eyes.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

41
HEATHER
My credit card was declined. I forgot I maxed it out to pay my cell phone bill.
NICK
(to Ken)
So the man is going to Chicago. Just set a lunch for Tuesday. What’s the latest he could
leave?
HEATHER
Verizon was gonna shut it off because I haven’t paid my bill in three months but I was
traveling with Daniel! I couldn’t NOT have a working phone with Daniel!
NICK
(to Ken)
Basically we need to think of every conceivable option for getting him to Chicago from
his location at this moment.
Nora gives Heather some money.
NORA
We need to talk about Chicago.
HEATHER
I thought you were joking about that.
NICK
(to Ken)
Factoring in the possibility of him coming back to New York first. Yes. For this leprosy benefit.
NORA
He might bring Justin.
HEATHER
Justin went to LA.
NORA
I know.
NICK
(to Ken; says “Fruit Pie” like “Goodbye”)
Ken. You are the best. E-mail me. Call me back. Yep. Fruit Pie!
Nick hangs up. Heather rushes over to him.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

42
HEATHER
Nick, I really can’t go to Chicago.
NICK
Whoa. Heather McHeatherstein. It’s all business with you. First of all, how are you?
HEATHER
My uncle just passed away and I have to go to the funeral.
NICK
Did you clear this with HR?
HEATHER
It’s bereavement. Isn’t it? This counts as bereavement.
NICK
I was joking.
NORA
Heather has to go to a funeral. It’s bereavement leave or whatever.
NICK
Quick! Somebody spell “bereavement”.
HEATHER
I don’t want to get fired.
NICK
This is what I say... Call your mom.
NORA
Nick!
NICK
...and feel out how important it is to her that you’re there.
NORA
It’s important to Heather that Heather is there.
HEATHER
If you could just ask Daniel, Nick. He likes you the most. If you just put it in this way
that makes sense to him. You know? Not like I’m trying to get out of work. I’ll
work from the bus.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

43
NORA
Let him know she’ll blackberry all through the service.
NICK
That joke was in poor taste if you ask me.
NORA
You... taste... poor.
NICK
Good comeback!
HEATHER
I don’t want him to think I’m not committed enough. I’ve only been here a couple of
months. It might show him that I really want to be here if I give this up.
NICK
I’ll talk to Daniel.
Heather hugs Nick.
HEATHER
Oh my god! Thank you. You don’t know how much this means to me.
NICK
Now that this is settled. Let’s move on to the topic at hand which is…
Nick presses a button on his computer.
Once again, a song plays. Same song as before.
Both Nora and Heather react.
NORA HEATHER
It’s actually hurting my Please stop playing that.
spine at this point.
Nick turns off the music. He points to the bouquet of

flowers.
NICK
What are those?
HEATHER
Oh right! They’re for Nora. They were downstairs with security.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

44
Nora snatches the flowers and checks the card.
NORA
I forgot to pick those up earlier.
NICK
From who?
NORA
Whom.
NICK
It’s “who” isn’t it?
HEATHER
Whom.
Nick pretends to answer the phone.
NICK
Nora imitates Daniel. Again, she resembles the fat feline

velociraptor hybrid. Her voice gruff.
NORA
(as Daniel)
“I mean, hello?”
NICK
Hi Daniel!
NORA
(as Daniel)
“Hello. I mean, Nick, I mean, hello. Nick? I mean, Heather can’t go to Chicago? Feee-
IRE her. And si-MOO-taneously fire yourself. You’re, I mean, FEEE-ired. I mean,
thank youuuuuuuu. “
HEATHER
I’m calling my mom now.
NORA
Nick will smooth it over.
NICK
Smooth-ery. Where were we?
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

45
NORA
Whom.
NICK
Right. So. From whom?
NORA
(looking straight at Nick)
That guy I’m cheating on.
NICK
(looking straight at Nora)
Right... That guy.
The phone RINGS.
HEATHER
Let me get it!!
NICK
It’s Bird. Put him on speakerphone.
HEATHER
Oh. I don’t think so. He hates that.
She answers the call.
Daniel Weisinger's office. Hi, Justin. How are you?... ...Everything okay? ...Oh... Okay.
He wants to talk to you, Nick.
NICK
Watch and learn, ladies.
He puts the call on speakerphone.
Daniel Weisinger's... Office?

Fuck off…
NICK
(Pretending he can’t hear him.)
Hello?

Come on, Nick. It’s been a fifteen hour day.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

46
NICK
Is this the Birdman?

Why are you letting Punky Brewster answer the phones? Daniel would kill you.
Where’s Nora?
NORA
Talk to me, Goose.

Am I on fucking speakerphone?
NICK
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Take me the fuck off speakerphone, assholes. I’m exhausted.
NORA
THREE HIM!
NICK
I’m sorry. You’ve reached the office of the President of the Company so… I can transfer
you to reception and I’m sure someone can help you out.

Nick, I swear to God if you three me--
Nick presses the number three. Loud piercing BEEP.
NICK NORA JUSTIN

THREEEEEEE! THREEEEEEE! fuckfuckfuckyoufuckin
fuckersfuckfuckyoufuck…
Nick transfers the call.
HEATHER
Why do you guys do that?
NORA
Daniel does it to us all the time.
NICK
The three button is right next to the end button on his cell phone!
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

47
NORA
I just want everyone to know that I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to become a man
who can’t end a phone call properly.
HEATHER
Did you really just transfer him to reception?
NICK
Yes.
NORA
I love you.
The phone RINGS.
Nora answers. During the following, Nick pantomimes a
talking Justin. He looks like a Muppet.
NORA

You tell that asshole I will strangle him and his entire family if he does that to me again.
NORA
Easy there, Bird.

Am I on speakerphone?
NORA
No. But there’s this weird echo. Are you in a closet right now?

I wish. I’m standing outside the restaurant. He just went into his dinner. I’m gonna wait
in the car but he said no calls.
Nora stifles a laugh.
Hello?
NORA
No calls. Got it.

Also, he wants to go to Chicago on Tuesday.
NORA
Yeah we know. Ken’s on it.

We might leave from here.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

48
NORA
Yeah...

I’m telling you right now that if he takes me to Chicago I may not come back.
NORA
Why?

It’s been bad out here, man. Shit’s going down.
NORA
Crickets! I’ll go to Chicago.

Oh yeah thanks a lot. I'm getting assraped every day and you're desk-bound flirting with Nick,
because Daniel won't take you anywhere anymore. Not since he smoked you at the Oberoi in
front of half the population of Cairo.
NORA
(as Daniel)
“I mean, Nora, I mean, you will NEE-ever work in this town again!”
(in her own voice)
And I was like “Why would I wanna work in Cairo?”
Justin laughs.
You’re laughing! That means you still have a soul.
JUSTIN
And I’d like to preserve that. So let’s send Heather.
HEATHER
Justin, I can’t go to Chicago. I have to go to my--

GODDAMMIT! TAKE ME THE FUCK OFF SPEAKERPHONE!
Nick slaps his hand to his forehead. He takes Justin off

speakerphone.
NICK
Dude, we have to wait and see what he wants to do... ...You’ve come this far. Right?
He’s breaking you in. Chicago’s a good thing... ...When I first started, he did the same
thing. Took me everywhere... ...Believe me, if he takes you it’s a good sign. Alright.
Okay. I love you. Fruit pie!
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

49
He ends the call.
HEATHER
So... Justin’s gonna go?
NICK
It’s looking good.
HEATHER
Okay. I’ll let my mom know I’m coming to Pennsylvania.
NICK
Those flowers look expensive.
NORA
They probably are. I’m a lucky girl.
HEATHER
I’ll get the rest of the books first thing Monday morning. They probably open at nine.
Maybe eight. Probably nine though. Shit. Monday’s a holiday.
NORA
It is?
HEATHER
President’s Day.
NORA
What is this “President’s Day” you speak of? People do not work on this day?
NICK
The government. The US Postal Service. Banks. But for Daniel Weisinger…
NORA
(sings)
Just another Manic Monday!
HEATHER
Tuesday! Before the funeral, I’ll get them. I’ll bring the books down to the office and
then I’ll go back up to Port Authority and I should be able to get to Pennsylvania before
the service starts. I can be back here by six or seven and take the late shift. I’m really
sorry about this guys. But my uncle… I just really…
NORA
Cared about him.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

50
HEATHER
Yeah.
NICK
How’d he die?
HEATHER
Heart attack while jogging. He was 42.
NICK
Heavy.
The phone RINGS. Nora checks caller ID.
NORA
It’s HIM.
NICK
Direct from his cell!
HEATHER
I’ll get it!
NICK NORA
No! No!
Nora answers the call.
NORA
Daniel Weisinger's office... Hi Daniel... Yep. Yep.
She writes on her legal pad.
Okay. Ken is sending two itineraries to us. One from LA to Chicago. And one from
New York to Chicago... ...In case you wanted to go to the leprosy benefit on Monday with--
Nora smiles suddenly and blushes.
Oh. Yes. Well... You’re welcome. Okay. Thank you. I appreciate that, Daniel... ...Of
course. And Nick wants to talk to you.
NICK
I do?
NORA
Talk to him about Heather. Tell him I’ll go.
NICK
Did you just take credit for remembering leprosy?
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

51
NORA HEATHER
He’s holding! He’s holding!
Nick picks up the call.
NICK
Hi Daniel... Yes. ...Did you want to take Justin with you to Chicago or-- Yep. Yep.
No. Heather has a funeral to go to so I said I’d ask if... ...No. She isn’t here. She’s out
running--
HEATHER
I can talk to him.
Both Nick and Nora make violent “Shut Up” gestures.
NICK
Daniel... ...I understand. No, I’m not retarded. I’m only saying this because Heather--
Nick winces. He’s being screamed at.
No. I don’t... ...I do not want to fuck Heather. Her uncle... No. Nope. I don’t want to
fuck her uncle either ...Yes. Okay. I understand. Yep.
He hangs up.
Don’t do that to me, Nora!
NORA
But you said you’d--
NICK
We don’t do that to each other! That’s what HE does!
NORA
What did he say?
NICK
He doesn’t want to talk about it now because he’s going into a fucking dinner. Which is
what I would’ve TOLD you guys if you hadn’t SNIPED me.
HEATHER
I can call my Mom--
NICK
Heather. Go. Home. Now.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

52
HEATHER
Crickets.
Heather gathers up her things and exits.
NORA
Nick, I’m sorry.
NICK
Don’t fucking apologize. You sound like her.
NORA
Jesus Christ. I’m trying to help her--
NICK
Well, knock it OFF!
NORA
Quit SHOUTING at me!
NICK
Don’t do HEATHER’S JOB!! Do YOUR job!
NORA
STOP YELLING!
Nick’s face goes red with rage. This is probably more

like what Daniel looks like.
NICK
(furious; spitting)
YOU do YOUR job so you can take MY job. Don’t you fucking GET that?! I DON’T
WASTE MY TIME HELPING PEOPLE! I’m too busy getting thrown in front of a
freight train by every single person in this company. I’m too busy being the cum-shot
girl in the gang-bang. I’m the fucking violinist on the Titanic. And I’m never gonna get
out of here if someone else doesn’t learn the fucking death march!
Long beat. Nick breathes. He feels guilty for yelling.
NORA
Don’t go there. Where you’re going right now...
Nick blinks. Then he starts typing. After a second...
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

53
NICK
You can’t worry about the Heathers of the world. The Heathers of the world don’t last
longer than six weeks. They die right after they’re born like cloned sheep.
NORA
You didn’t eat anything today.
Nora goes into Daniel’s office.
Nick lights up a cigarette. He ashes in Nora’s flowers.
Nora re-enters with an expensive bottle of scotch. Opens

it. She pours it into coffee mugs.
NICK
Bold move, Norwegian Cruise Line.
NORA
When?
NICK
When what?
NORA
He’s promoting you, isn’t he?
NICK
End of the month.
NORA
You’re lying.
NICK
Nope.
NORA
He’s lying.
NICK
We shook on it.
NORA
I hope he doesn’t fuck you.
NICK
He won’t.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

54
NORA
I don’t trust Daniel to mail a letter let alone keep a promise.
She takes a cigarette from the carton.
Won’t he smell the smoke?
NICK
When has he ever noticed anything we do in here? We’ve done some pretty--
NORA
OkayOkay.Okay!
NICK NORA
I can’t believe he hasn’t Alrightalright. Stop!
said anything about the STOP! NICHOLAS!
couch yet--
NICK
Are you gonna miss me?
NORA
No way! Once you leave people will finally start treating me like I actually work here.
(dances)
That’s the way the assistant shuffle goes!
NICK
Don’t hurt yourself!
They dance for a second. It gets weird.
Nora leans into him. He pulls away from her. She

realizes he’s pulling away so she does too but then he
tries to go in for a kiss and she starts giggling.
This should all be funny and last only a few seconds.
NICK
Did you just try to kiss me?
NORA
Did you just try to make it work?
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

55
NICK
Let’s not be people anymore.
NORA
It was a bad idea.
The phone RINGS. Nora checks the Caller ID.
NORA
Allow me. This dinner must be boring as shit if he keeps calling in.
NICK
I’ll let you kiss me if you slip in a “marshmellow”.
Nora answers.
NORA
(saying “Marshmellow” like “Hello”)
Marshmellow, Daniel Weisinger's Office.
She stifles giggles.
NICK
He didn’t even notice?
Nora shakes her head. Nora mutes herself.
NORA
I don’t think he even remembers he called us--
She stiffens and un-mutes herself.
NORA
Yes, Daniel. It’s Nora. I’m here.
She winces. She is being screamed at.
I... don’t know. Yes. I said I don’t know because... Yes... I am stupid. Okay. I’m
STUPID!
She mutes herself.
Get Morris.
Nick dials.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

56
NICK
Getting Morris at home...
NORA
We’re getting Morris at home... I don’t know why your Amex was declined... Finance should
know…
NICK
Justin, MasterCard.
NORA
...Justin has the MasterCard--
NICK
Leaving word for Morris.
NORA NICK
No. I don’t know why. Morris. Call us back as
Um... The expense soon as you get this. We
reports... were a little late have Daniel calling from
so that’s probably why-- LA.
But Morris... Finance
should-- Nick hangs up. Dials again.
Trying him again.
NORA
Yes! I did lie to you. I’m sorry--
Nora looks at Nick. Like a puppy about to be put down.
NICK
Hang in there, Nor. I got you--
NORA
I’m not apologizing. I mean, I am... No. I lied. But--
NICK
(gestures to Nora)
Morris. I have Daniel.
NORA
Your card was declined because your expense reports weren’t done...
NICK
Morris on Five. Let him do this.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

57
Nora stares at the pile of expense reports.
NORA
We never did them...No. No... Daniel... It’s Heather. It was her job... It wasn’t me. She fucking--
(she covers her mouth) I’m not cursing at you. I didn’t mean to! I was scared so I lied... ...You’re
right... ...You’re right... In the future I will do that. …The truth is, I’m afraid of you. I know I
should be stronger. I will work on that... It should be Heather. ...Okay... ...I will wash my mouth
out with soap... Yes... I’m going to the bathroom now... to do that... Okay...
She hangs up. She stares at nothing until her eyes

water. Nick watches her. Then...
Nick picks up his call.
NICK
Morris. Van Morrison. Yeah. False alarm, buddy... ...We had him. He asked for you...
Then he disappeared in a puff of smoke... ...Thanks man. Sorry to wake you... ...Oh...
Sorry to wake the baby then... ...Okay.
He ends the call.
She pushes all the expense reports off her desk onto the
floor. Not in anger. But with a slow swipe of her hand
as if the action would quietly erase her defeat.
NORA
He fired Heather.
NICK
I’ll tell her it was because of the funeral.
NORA
Okay.
NICK
That isn’t on you.
NORA
Okay.
NICK
You’re tired. .
Pause.
You need to eat something.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

58
Pause.
Why don’t you go home, thank your guy for the arrangement and--
NORA
I don’t wanna leave. I hate it here and I don’t want to leave.
A beat. Nick doesn’t know what to do.
Once again, Nick presses a button on his computer and

the same song as before plays.
This time, he lets it play instead of stopping it. Nora

cracks a smile. Encouraged, Nick dances a goofy dance.
NORA
I hate you so much.
Nick dances over to her.
Nora dances. They move closer.
It’s clear they’ve danced together before...
And that they’ve done other things...
Their dance moves into Daniel’s office. Nick closes the

door behind them.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

59
INTERLUDE
Heather, in a winter coat, is on her cell phone. She

waits for a bus. She is very upset. She listens to a tirade
from the person on the other end of the conversation.
HEATHER
Mom.
Pause.
Mom! I’m not punishing you. I’m not doing anything.
Pause.
I don’t know what you want from me. I got FIRED. I got fired. I tried to get there and I
got fired for trying to get there. So all that work doesn’t even mean anything now.
Okay? I’m unemployed again and now I have to start all over somewhere else and I
worked on getting that position for years. Angling. Bribing. Dodging. To get that job.
For you.
Pause.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Why else would I put myself through that? I did it for you
and Dad. I WENT THROUGH ALL OF THAT FOR YOU!
Pause.
BECAUSE I WANTED YOU TO BE PROUD OF ME! BECAUSE I WANTED YOU

TO SAY AT PARTIES THAT I’M DANIEL WEISINGER’S ASSISTANT AND BE
PROUD OF ME!
Pause.
I’m not going back there. I’m not. I won’t do it. I won’t beg for my job back. Because
I’m EMBARRASSED.
Pause.
BECAUSE I ALREADY DID AND THEY WOULDN’T GIVE IT BACK TO ME!
Pause.
DANIEL DOESN’T CARE THAT YOUR BROTHER IS DEAD! HE DOESN’T GIVE

A RAT’S ASS THAT I HAD TO GO TO A FUNERAL. HE DOESN’T CARE
ABOUT ME! I AM REPLACEABLE! HE DOESN’T KNOW ME FROM SOME
GUY WITH AN MBA IN BUSINESS THAT SOME OVERPRICED
NORTHEASTERN SCHOOL HANDED HIM YESTERDAY—
Pause.
I’M NOT IMPORTANT. DON’T YOU GET THAT?!?!?? I’M NOT IMPORTANT.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

60
THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT MADE ME IMPORTANT AND NOW IT’S
GONE BECAUSE OF YOU!!! AND YOUR STUPID—
Pause.
I DON’T CARE THAT YOU’RE SORRY. I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANT MY FUCKING JOB BACK, MOM. I FUCKING EARNED IT AND I
WANT IT back...
Mom. I can’t do this. I can’t fight about this right now. I have to go into a job interview
in 20 minutes. I can’t talk about this right now.
Pause.
I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry. I think I have to come home… for a little bit. I can’t work
like this anymore. I think I’m going crazy.
Pause.
Okay. I’ll call you afterwards and let you know how it went. Okay. Okay.
Pause.
I love you too, Mom. Bye-uh.
She hangs up the phone and stares at nothing.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

61
SCENE THREE -- MORNING

Same location. Another year later. It’s Seven AM.
The office is same as before but more chaotic.
Nora stands by her desk, mid-phone-conversation.

Nora has morphed into a positively crazed-looking
person
JENNY (mid to late 20s), a pretty British chick

impeccably dressed with all her shit together, sits at
Heather’s old desk.
NORA
No. No. No. Let me explain something to you... ...Let me explain something! HELLO!
I am about to literally throw myself out a window. If you do not do what I am asking,
you will be responsible for the death of another human being. That will weigh on your
conscience for the rest of your life. Every time you look into the eyes of a loved one you
will live in terror that they will discover that you really are… in fact, a murderer.
Jenny dials.
NORA
My boss’s plane is
landing in fifteen minutes
if you do not have
someone waiting on the
tarmac with the package
that, as we speak, is in the JENNY
possession of a five foot (in fluent Spanish)
three Hispanic man named Hello, Joaquin. How are
“JOAQUIN” standing you? Could you please
about fifty yards away take the package into the
from the FBO… I will be FBO? Yes. Thank you.
fired. Give it to a person
named... uh... hold on--
NORA
(fakes tears) JENNY
It’s his medicine. Please... Nora.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

62
NORA
...I will call to confirm you have it in ten minutes. Thank you. Excuse me. Sir?
NORA
You’re a hero. You are. Hero.
JENNY
Nora.
Nora mutes herself.
NORA
What!?
JENNY
What’s his name?
NORA
Joaquin.
JENNY
No. Who are you talking to?
NORA
Excuse me, Mr. Hero? What’s your name?
(to Jenny)
Alfred.
JENNY
(in fluent Spanish)
--Please give the package to Mr. Alfred. Thank you, Joaquin.
She ends her call.
It’ll be there in two shakes of a lambs.
NORA
(on her call; saying “Fruit Pie” like “Goodbye”)
Forget it. Package coming to you. Fruit PIIIIIIIIIIE!
Nora hangs up.
JENNY
You should take some time off, Nor.
NORA
You. Are. Too. Kind.
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63
JENNY
I only say so because you’re really stressing yourself out.
NORA
We can’t all be Miss Cool-As-A-Cucumber. Otherwise you wouldn’t have anyone to
out-assist.
JENNY
I don’t know where you get this idea that we’re in some sort of competition. I’m here to
help you. You’ve been here MUCH longer than I have.
NORA
(sotto)
Here it comes. We girls--
JENNY
We girls have to stick together in this sausage factory.
NORA
(sotto)
--sausage somethingerother.
NORA JENNY
(almost inaudible) I just want to make the
....meee Meee ‘small small point that everything
point’ blah doesn’t have to be an
emergency.
NORA
You’re right! Everything is running so smoothly all the time.
JENNY
It could.
NORA
Ah! The idealism. It’s this sort of attitude that really helped you guys stick it to the
colonies.
The phone RINGS.
Both girls rush to answer it. Nora wins.
NORA
Daniel Weisinger's Office... ...Jerry! I told you! Daniel’s on a plane to London.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

64
JENNY
This is what happens in cults. Like People’s Temple or Scientology.
NORA
Justin’s traveling with him. The second he calls in we will give him your message.
JENNY
Members turn against each other instead of revolting against authority.
NORA
Momentarily, Jerry. In moments. Moments from this moment.
JENNY
This is why I appreciate your flair for the dramatic despite what you think I think. It’s
an interesting survival technique.
NORA
Got it. Ciao.
She ends the call.
I appreciate your appreciation.
JENNY
However, I don’t feel it’s the best way to learn.
NORA
Oh! Were you interested in mastering a craft here? Because I’m just perfecting the art of
dodging responsibility.
JENNY
You create a stasis. A means of coping at the same level. That’s why I’m always
pushing, or… what’s that word you use? “One-upping”? When you’re
simply enabling this kind of frenetic lifestyle instead of improving upon it then there’s no
room for progression or evolution.
NORA
I wonder if you’ll be putting that Bachelor’s degree in Anthropology to good use when
you’re injecting cyanide into the mouths of newborns.
The phone RINGS.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

65
They both leap to answer it. Nora wins again.
NORA
Daniel Weisinger’s Office. Morris. You’re calling about the executed checks? Yes... ...I
get it. Let me tell you... ...Yep... Morris. I have about thirty-seven pending issues to
discuss with Daniel. And I assure you, executed amenity checks are NOT at the top of
that, or any, list. So You Guys. Can go fuck your--
JENNY
The checks for Hanover Gunderson?
Jenny holds up some checks.
Nora mutes herself.
NORA
He signed them?
JENNY
I slipped them into Justin’s paperwork before they left for London.
NORA
Well-played. Terrifyingly well-played.
Morris? We’re inter-officing them over. You’re--

(singing)
--WELCOME!!!
She ends the call.
JENNY
Where was I?
NORA
Progression and evolution. Listen. We do whatever springs into Daniel’s psychotic
putrid skull at any given moment then do that until he spits out another request. Wash.
Rinse. Repeat. There’s no evolution. There’s just the monkey phase.
JENNY
You’re saying that because you’ve lost sight of what you want.
NORA
Yeah because I realized the man I always wanted to be is someone not worth being.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

66
JENNY
You can’t let Daniel stop you from being Daniel.
Nora doesn’t respond to this.
I’m certainly not going to. I’m going to be bigger than Daniel. I know what I want and
I’m going to get what I can out of this job then move on and up to--
NORA
No one moves up here, Jenny. No one has been promoted in years.
JENNY
That was rather sad about Nick.
NORA
Sad? It’s fucking Shakespearean.
JENNY
There was a company-wide e-mail announcing his promotion and everything.
NORA
And the guy is still here. I am still here.
JENNY
He must have done something.
NORA
No. Daniel had a bad sandwich that day and Nick was back to being an assistant. It’s
just that random.
JENNY
Nick ALMOST told me last night. We went for drinks at the pub.
NORA
Where?
JENNY NORA
Martinetti’s (why did she even
ask)
Martinetti’s.
JENNY
He got pissed. And let some proverbial beans spill. Something about lying...
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

67
NORA
Yeah. Daniel hates lies. Stop being so nosy.
JENNY
You should come out with us next time.
NORA
No thanks.
JENNY
Nice way to blow off some of that steam. Have a personal life on top of all this.
NORA
THIS is my life now. I never go home. I never go anywhere. I never sleep longer
than five hours a night. My boyfriend dumped me because... ...cuz I never came home.
JENNY
You two would make a good match.
NORA
What was that?
JENNY
You and Nick.
NORA
I gotta finish this e-mail.
Nora types.
JENNY
I sense a certain tension there...
NORA
“Thank you for your help in this matter—”
JENNY
...of the romantic variety.
NORA
“—if there’s anything we can do from our end.”
JENNY
He’s good looking in that... Office way.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

68
NORA
(covering)
Nick is gross. The day I met him I spent the entire afternoon throwing up.
Nora dials.
JENNY
He has nicer things to say about you. When he’s drunk at least.
NORA
What did he say?
JENNY
Oh. I can’t remember... something like... you have a nice body.
NORA
(dying to know what Nick thinks of her body)
Tell me exactly what he said or you’re not a good friend.
Nick enters with three Starbucks coffee cups in a tray.
He is majorly hung-over.
The girls act “casual”. Nora dials.
NICK
Bon Giorno Princepessas.
JENNY
Marshmellow, Nico-LAS!
NORA
Hey Alfred, I’m calling to confirm you received the package I just called about.
NICK
I don’t know about you. But my face is actually made of scotch this morning.
JENNY
I had so much fun with you last night. You’re fun.
NORA
Yep. I’ll hold. NO. PROBLEM.
NICK
So I’ve got a latte for me. A mochaccino for Jen-NAY-fer. And a large black coffee for
Crash over here.
Nora mutes herself.
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69
NORA
Do not start calling me Crash.
JENNY
I rather like it.
NICK
Right?
JENNY
Very fitting.
NORA
Tail number 431 Tango Bravo. Yep. Yep.
JENNY
You look smart.
NICK
That’s because I went to college.
JENNY
“Smart” is well-dressed and “University” is college.
NICK
Let’s speak British always and nothing else!
NORA
Thank you so much. Hand it to him the second he steps off the plane. Cheers.
She ends her call.
NICK
So you took care of that package?
NORA
(to Jenny)
I get this e-mail from Nick at 3 AM...
NICK
Around the time I tried to--
JENNY
Oh right with the—
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

70
NORA
...telling me that he forgot to send Daniel’s medicine upstate so Bird could bring it on the
flight to the UK.
NICK
OooooooOOOOH.
NORA
So I get on the phone with pharmacy after pharmacy in London to have the prescription
filled and then messengered to the FBO for when they land. So no one gets smoked.
JENNY
Well done, Crash.
NORA
Thank you. Don’t call me that.
Nick attempts a fist tap with Nora, who ignores him.
NICK
It was one of those moments where the thing you forgot to do suddenly catches up with
you. Like it’s been chasing you all day. And you keep looking over your shoulder.
JENNY
Behind your shoulder.
NORA
Behind?
NICK
Over.
NORA
I’m gonna burn this whole place to the ground.
NICK
Anyway, you’re sure there’s something behind your shoulder and then you’re like
WHAM! Medicine. Upstate.
JENNY
Happens to me in the shower all the time. A meeting I forgot to schedule. Or a phone
call I dropped.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

71
NICK
In this particular instance, the shower was the men’s room at Martinetti’s.
NORA
For you... aren’t those one and the same?
NICK
So I did a lateral to my tight-end over here and she just sailed it into the end-zone.
NORA
I want to know how I went from quarterback to tight-end over the years.
NICK
Did he end up meeting with Richard at the Four Seasons?
NORA
He phoned it in.
NICK
Right.
NORA
You know? What YOU do in Life?
The phone RINGS.
Jenny and Nora both lunge to answer. This time Jenny

wins. Nora sips her coffee and opens mail.
JENNY
NORA
Did you spit in my coffee?
NICK
Do you think I’d own up to it if I did?
Nora holds up a fancy invite.
NORA
Does anyone know what the Hope Foundation Dinner is and whether or not Daniel
cares?
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

72
JENNY
(on her call)
I believe someone else was running point on that.

That’s the Hope Foundation.
NORA
At seven in the morning? Those fuckers are relentless.
NICK
Relentless hope.
NORA
(to Jenny)
So you’re fobbing them off to me because I just mentioned it.
Jenny looks at Nora. Nora looks at Nick.
NICK
(re: Jenny)
I taught her everything she knows.
She answers the call.
NORA
This is Nora. How can I help you?
JENNY
Nick, thanks for sticking your neck out for me.
NICK
What did I do now?
JENNY
For asking Daniel to take me to London.
NORA
Daniel’s been traveling so... Yep...
JENNY
Since he took Justin, I’m sure you got an earful.
NORA
(into the phone)
I know. And I’m sorry no one’s gotten back to you as of yet.
JENNY
Always throwing yourself in front of the train for us.
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73
NICK
Oh yeah. It’s. My. Pleasure.
JENNY
You’re the best.
NICK
You’re the best. Birdman has London under control. Crash is... holding it down to an
extent. It’s like my baby chicks are all grown up.
The phone RINGS. Nick checks caller ID.
NICK
Would you look at that? Speak of Satan and he’ll be calling you from the cockpit of a
small luxury aircraft moments later.
He answers the call.
Daniel Weisinger’s office... ...Whoa. Wait... Justin--
JENNY
I think the deli should be open now. Should I order breaky?
Nora makes a gesture that reads affirmative to this

suggestion. She also motions to order more coffee.
Jenny dials.
NORA
It’s been difficult to get a hard answer on this.
JENNY
Hey, Hassan. It’s Jenny.
NICK
Justin? Wait...
JENNY
Can I get three egg white omelets... That’s right!
NICK
I can barely hear you... You’ve landed.
Nora mutes herself.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

74
NORA
(to Nick)
Ask him if Daniel got his medicine.
JENNY
Can I have mine with no tomatoes today?
NICK
What? Justin. Where’s Daniel?
Jenny mutes herself.
JENNY
(to Nick.)
Did he lose Daniel?
NORA
I’m gonna have to call you back about this. Yep.
NICK
Justin... ...Where is Daniel?
Jenny un-mutes herself.
JENNY
Cheers, Hasan.
JENNY NORA
Put it on the tab. I’ll call you right back.
Jenny and Nora end their calls simultaneously. They

watch Nick intently.
Nick strains to hear Justin.. Then...
Nick makes a slashing motion across his neck to Nora.

Nora exhales and puts her face in her hands.
This is a gesture only Nick and Nora understand.

Jenny looks bewildered.
JENNY
What is it?
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

75
NICK
It’s cool, Justin. Where is he now?
Another long strained listen.
Dude. Listen to me... ...Hey, don’t freak out at me, man. I’m just talking to you as a
person. Not an assistant. You know? As someone who’s known you for— What was
that? Are you okay? Alright.
(with grave seriousness)
Where is HE?
The phone RINGS.
Nora and Jenny both leap to get it. Jenny wins.
JENNY
She motions wildly to Nick and Nora.
Hi, Daniel. Katherine called. Greg Burns called asking if he could schedule a—
She writes on her legal pad.
Yep. Yep... ...Gotcha.
She mutes herself.
Get Dr. Jenkins.
NORA
Did he get the medicine?
Jenny shoots her a murderous look.
Getting Dr. Jenkins at home.
Nora dials.
NICK
We’ve got him on the other line... ...No. Don’t do that, Justin. Just meet him at the
hotel.
Jenny un-mutes herself.
JENNY
We’re getting your doctor now. Alright. You’re breaking up... ...I’m sorry?
Jenny writes on her legal pad.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

76
NICK
Justin? Justin?
He ends his call.
He hung up on me.
NORA
(to Nick)
What the fuck happen--
(caught off-guard)
Hello, Dr. Jenkins. I’m sorry to be calling you so early in the morning but I have Daniel
calling for you and he’s in London. Thanks.
Nora puts the call on hold.
Jenkins on five. What happened with Birdman?
JENNY
Daniel, I’m sorry to interrupt but we have your doctor.
Jenny connects the call.
JENNY
Daniel, you’re on with Dr. Jenkins.
Jenny mutes herself and listens to the call.
NICK
So, Daniel fired Justin.
NORA
Again?
NICK
Some sort of smoke-out... Cuz of the car...
NORA
It was there!
NICK
It was going the wrong way.
NORA
It’s ENGLAND! What does he want?!
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

77
NICK
Things sound bad. I should’ve sent Jenny.
JENNY
I thought you asked Daniel--
NICK
I didn’t. Surprise. I lied.
JENNY
Crickets.
NICK
Now Bird’s in an Altered States sort of personality meltdown. Daniel gets to that guy.
NORA
Oh, fuck Daniel! The only thing keeping him from being a full-on homeless person is the
four of us.
NICK
Buckle your chin-straps because four just went to three.
JENNY
You can’t be serious.
NICK
We’ve got a man down.
JENNY
Justin left?
NICK
I don’t know where he is right now. Bird’s threatening to fly back to the States tonight.
NORA
What? Commercially?
JENNY
He can’t just leave Daniel in London to his own devices.
She hears something on the call.
Wait.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

78
NICK NORA
Don’t listen to his calls! Don’t listen to his calls!
JENNY
They’re talking about the medicine!
NORA
Oh crap. He didn’t get it?
JENNY
He’s flipping out.
Nora dials.
NORA
I’m calling the FBO. They have it!
Nick dials.
NICK
I’ll call them.
NORA
No! I am not falling on the sword for this one.
NICK
But I don’t know the whole history since this morning.
JENNY
They’re off. He’s pissed.
NORA
Whole history? Jenny spoke to Joaquin.
JENNY
And you called to follow up.
NORA
Maybe you should brush up on your Spanish!
JENNY
Just blame Justin!
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

79
NICK
But we don’t know where he is.
NORA JENNY
Exactly. Exactly!
The phone RINGS.
No one goes to answer it. Game of chicken. On the

third or fourth ring, Jenny answers.
JENNY
Daniel Weisinger’s office... ...Just a second, Daniel.
He wants to talk to Nick.
Nick and Nora stare at each other.
Nick answers.
NICK
Hello?
He winces. We can hear Daniel’s screams.
Daniel, I had nothing to do with this. Nora had it delivered to the FBO. And then—
Daniel interrupts him. Nick puts him on hold.
Nick points at Nora.
NORA
No. I’m not doing this again.
NICK JENNY
He’s HOLDING. NORA!
Nora picks up the call.
NORA
Hello?
Daniel screams. Nora listens, trying not to get emotional.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

80
NORA
I know. I know. I DO know. Because I DID IT! It's THERE! They HAVE it. I’M NOT
YELLING! You're YELLING and I'm matching the volume you're speaking AT!… …Yes. "At"
is a preposition. I know that… …I'm NOT angry at you. Daniel, I'm NOT! ...Fine. I’m
angry! OK!!?
NICK JENNY
Nora! Nora!
NORA
…I’m angry because...because....
She looks at Nick. Daniel is talking about him.
Yes. He did. I don't know why Nick did that. Yes that's probably it. No. Oh my God. Don't do
that Daniel. Nick is...he...I'm not defending him. I'm not helping him. I know I don't work for
Nick...You’re right. I shouldn't stick my neck out for people who don't care about me...You're
right. Yes. I should only be helping you. Yes...Okay...I understand...Got it. We will call you back
with Justin.
Loud piercing beep. Number Three.
Daniel hangs up. Nora hangs up.
JENNY
I’ll try Justin.
Jenny dials.
BEAT.
NORA
(to Jenny)
He wants you to go to London.
JENNY
No way.
NORA
Way.
JENNY
Unbelievably good luck!
Nick and Nora do not look at each other.
Jenny hangs up and re-dials.
JENNY
I’m getting voicemail on the UK mobile. But ringing is a good sign.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

81
Jenny notices that Nick and Nora are not working.
JENNY
We need to find him before Daniel calls back.
NORA
Nick...
Jenny hangs up and re-dials.
NICK
Hey Justin. It’s Nick. Um... give me a call back, buddy. Want to make sure you’re okay.
Things sound... painful.
JENNY
Nora, can you call the FBO and see if he’s still there—
NORA
Leave Justin alone.
JENNY
Daniel wants to talk to him.
NICK
So let’s find him.
NORA
HOW!? He’s over it. I’m OVER this!
JENNY
You’re making this personal. Daniel is crazy.
NORA
Yeah. He’s crazy. HE’S crazy? I mean, join the club. I’m crazy! Fuck! Just because
he’s worth millions of dollars… Is that why we’re doing this? So we can some day make
enough money to justify being balls-out insane.
JENNY
I can’t believe you admitted you were angry. Sign of weakness.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

82
NORA
WHY ARE YOU GUYS OBSESSED WITH HIM!?
NICK
Whatever, mircofiche.
Nick re-dials.
NORA
(to Nick)
Why are you still trying?
JENNY
We’ve got Daniel loose in a foreign country with no point
man and we have to tell him that we LOST JUSTIN.
NORA
NICK! LOOK AT ME!
He does.
NICK
Hey Justin, don’t want to clog up your voicemail but call me back. I’m worried about you, Bird.
Wanna make sure you’re okay.
Nick hangs up. Jenny redials.
NORA
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t!
NICK
Dude, are you mad at me or something?
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

83
NORA
You’re just tuning into that fact now!?
NICK
Cuz I’m getting these vibes like YOU’RE angry at ME.
JENNY
(on her call)
Hello, Justin. It’s Jenny.
NORA JENNY
We don’t DO that to each Give the office a ring back
other! when you get this.
NICK
It was your responsibility.
NORA
And it was your mistake. That I fixed!
JENNY
Sounds as if things are a touch crazy out there.
NICK
Congratulations! I wonder what your medal’s gonna say.
NORA
I can’t do this anymore!
NICK
Shake it off, Nora.
JENNY
Things are mental here as well.
NORA
I can’t sit across from you and watch you do this to yourself.
JENNY
Mum and Dad are fighting.
JENNY NICK
It’s A. Maze. Ing. Don’t go there. The place
you’re going…
Jenny ends her call. Watches Nick and Nora intently.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

84
NORA NICK
I used to look forward to
seeing you everyday and Tweaking… GREAT!
now I HATE YOU! Make this about us…
You’ve turned into this Perfect…
pathetic... waiting for a In front of her…
hand-out... Awesome...
NORA
He’s NEVER gonna promote you.
NICK
He will.
NORA
When?
NICK
At the end of the month.
NORA
You’ve been saying that for a YEAR!
NICK
I’M GETTING OUT OF HERE! YOU—
NORA
I! I will be stuck here for AT LEAST two more years! If this one--
(gestures to Jenny)
--doesn’t lap me first! I don’t want to do it! I stayed for him. Then I stayed for you.
I’ve run out of fucking reasons to stay.
She breaks down into tears. Nick does nothing. He

watches her cry.
Pause. Jenny looks at Nick. Then...
JENNY
Nora... It’s just a job.
NORA
Then I quit.
She gathers up her things.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

85
NICK
Take a walk or something.
She’s honestly leaving.
Hey, wait. Smoke a cigarette. Take a second.
NORA
You don’t need to pretend you care and stop me. You have her--
(gestures to Jenny)
--now. She can replace you.
Nick gets up to talk to her but she shoves middle finger

after middle finger at him.
NORA
(to Jenny)
It’s not a job. It’s a choice.
NICK
Nora... Knock it OFF! I’m talking to you as a friend... as a person--
NORA
YOU’RE NOT A PERSON, NICK! YOU’RE A FUCKING LAPDOG!
The phone RINGS. Jenny checks the caller ID.
JENNY
It’s Daniel.
NORA
You should probably get that.
NICK
Don’t forget to grab the goldfish on your way out, Jerry Maguire!
Nora exits. Nick answers the call.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

86
NICK
Daniel Weisinger’s office. Hi, Daniel. I haven’t been able to reach Justin on his cell—
Yep. Yes. I will get him. Yep. Just a moment.
He wants to talk to you.
Nick runs out of the office.
Jenny picks up the call.
JENNY
Hi, Daniel. Yep. Yep... ... ...There’s a Virgin flight leaving this evening that would get me
in— I’ll have Ken book it. Yes... ...Thank you, Daniel. I look forward to being with you
too! Thank you. Yes. Okay.
Jenny ends the call. Nick returns without Nora.
NICK
What did he say?
JENNY
Some mean things about you and Nora.
NICK
Holy fuck. She just left.
JENNY
We don’t need her.
NICK
I can’t believe she just left me here.
JENNY
Nick. Listen to me. I’m gonna do this. We’re gonna be fine. I’m not gonna let it get to
me. I can handle this.
NICK
Nora can handle shit. Usually.
JENNY
I’m NOT talking about Nora. I’m talking about you. You’re a fucking joke. Everyone knows you
don’t do shit.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

87
You show up, hung over, and crack jokes and Daniel only keeps you around because
there isn’t anyone competent enough to replace you. Just work the phones. I’ll do your
job. You’ll be across the hall in two months.
NICK
Okay...
JENNY
Christ.
She dials.
I’m gonna get Ken to book my flight.
NICK
She’ll be back, right?
JENNY
Shake it off, Nick.
On her call
Hey! Ken... It’s Jenny. How are you? Listen. Great. I need to fly out tonight to Heathrow...
Jenny continues to instruct Ken. Nick watches the door.
BLACKOUT.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

88
INTERLUDE
JUSTIN (mid to late 20s), is on his cell phone. He sits

in a chair at his home. He has a cast on his foot.
JUSTIN
I’m fine... ...Yeah. No. I’m great... ...Thanks for doing a session over the phone... ...I’ve
been sick. So... but I’m fine... Thank you... Sorry... Um... Yeah...
Pause.
Well, actually, I’ve been home for a few days. Out of the office. I can’t, sort of, go
anywhere right now. My doctor says I should rest… and I have stairs... Because walking is...
has become an issue. Does that make sense?... ...because... ...I broke my foot... Sorry I
wasn’t like... up front with you about... the foot thing... That’s my bad.
Pause.
Yeah... ...I know I’m supposed to talk about these things with you but I knew you’d say
that and I know I’m not supposed to guess what your reaction is going to be because then
I lie about stuff... ...but you know, I don’t really want to hear it... ...Yeah... Sorry... ...I
guess I pay you to say that but I’m not even sure why I’m paying to hear shit I don’t
want to hear because I don’t have the money for this therapy on top of the physical
therapy I now need for my foot. So... that’s awesome.
Pause.
Yeah... Basically... I’m calling to break up with you. As my therapist. I guess... ...Sorry.
My insurance won’t cover the physical therapy or real therapy so... Gotta make a
sacrifice somewhere... Yeah... ...so that... sucks.
Pause.
Sure... totally... let’s talk about it. I mean, I already paid for this break up talk so... ...I
was in London with Daniel. We got off the plane. I went to get in the car. He had a
conniption about the car. He got in the car. He told me to get in the car. I got in the car.
We drove ten yards. He told me to get out of the car. I did. Then the driver sped off
with Daniel. And the car ran over my foot.
Pause.
Yeah... ...I know. Ouch. Totally.

Pause.
Oh no no no no... ...Nnnnnnnoo. It wasn’t Daniel’s fault. It was my fault. I was standing too close
to the car... Yeah... that was my bad... Sorry...
Pause.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

89
No I mean… I get it. For sure. I know that. But, like, every job is “hazardous”. In some way,
right?
Pause.
But like… Stop! Okay… How is this is HIS fault? He wasn’t driving the car...
it was some gypsy or something... ...He wasn’t thinking about me. He wasn’t doing it on
purpose... He was just trying to get to the next place... you know? The next place... the
hotel... and I was in the way... when I shouldn’t’ve been... ...I should’ve been helping and
I wasn’t helping...
Pause. Justin laughs. Uncomfortable.
I mean... Agh... I mean.... Give me a break... I mean.... This is totally why I’m breaking up
with you. I don’t need this. I don’t need another person telling me to quit this job. If this job were
easy, everyone would do it… STOP! I don’t need another person telling me Daniel Weisinger is
an asshole. If he acted like everyone else, he’d be everyone else. He’d be a nobody. He’d be
YOU! So don’t you DARE sit in your post-Freudian armchair and judge him when the whole
world knows his name and you’ll die alone with only a vague satisfaction that you ate, shat and
fucked your way to the grave never having seen greatness. I’ve seen greatness. I’m next to
brilliance every day. And it needs to be defended constantly. He needs to be protected from
nobodies LIKE YOU!
Pause.
Sorry... Yeah... ...Sorry... Totally. I appreciate the advice... ...I’m not gonna take it because I don’t
need it... Sorry... Thank you...
Pause.
Because I take responsibility for my mistakes. And that’s all this was. A mistake. My mistake and
it won’t happen again... ...I don’t need you. I need to get back to my job. Because he needs me.
Pause.
Okay... Great... Fuck you... Sorry...
He hangs up. He stares at nothing.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

90
SCENE FOUR -- AFTERNOON
Same location. A month later. It’s six PM.
Justin and Nick type away.
Justin sits at Nora’s old desk. Nick has a box half-full

of belongings just as Vince did at the beginning.
Nick keeps looking at Justin. Justin does not look up.
Nick gets out his cigarettes.
NICK
One for old time's sake?
Nick lights up. He throws the pack at Justin who does

not move to catch it. Nick turns back to his computer.
NICK
Have you seen that video where the two girls--
JUSTIN
I’m trying to finish this e-mail.
NICK
Cool.
The phone RINGS. Nick checks the caller ID.
NICK
It’s Jen-NAY-fer. Put her on speakerphone.
(as Daniel)
Put her on speakerphone!
Justin reluctantly puts the call on speakerphone.
NICK
Office Weisinger’s Daniel.
JENNY [ON SPEAKERPHONE]

What? Hello? Nick?
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

91
NICK
Sorry. Nick’s last day as an assistant and he always wanted to do that.

Wanker! Daniel just took off in a town car without me and I don’t
understand a single word these people are saying to me and Tokyo's a bitch for public
transit. I CAN’T BELIEVE HE LEFT ME HERE. Fucking piece of—
Justin takes the call off speakerphone.
JUSTIN
Hey Jen. Nick’s really upped his annoyance level today. Yep... ...Calm down. It’s
okay. I’ll get the hotel to get you a car. Where’s he going? ...Yep... ...Yep.
Justin writes on his legal pad.
Nora enters.
JUSTIN
Hold on. Marley’s ghost just walked in... ...That’s Charles Dickens... ...You’re British.
You of all people should know that... ...Huh? No. It’s Nora... ...Yeah. Hold on.
He puts the call on speakerphone.
Hi Nora!

Hiiiiiiiii, Nora!
NORA
Hi... everyone.
JUSTIN
You look great.

You look great!!
NORA
How is everything?
JUSTIN
Fine.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

92

Things are going so excellent but we miss you!
JUSTIN
We do.
NORA
I don’t want to interrupt what’s going on. I just wanted to stop by and say goodbye…
Since I kind of... freaked out.
JUSTIN
I heard.

I told everyone about your classic Nora exit. It was so classic.
NORA
Well, it was nice talking to you.

Yeah, we’re totally swamped.
Justin takes the call off speakerphone.
JUSTIN
Slammed. So, Jenny, I’ll handle the car and call you right back.
He hangs up.
NORA
He’s out of town I take it.
JUSTIN
Tokyo.
Nick keeps looking at Nora. Nora does not look at him.
Nick is really happy to see her.
Nora hands Justin her blackberry.
NORA
(to Justin)
I just came to turn in my badge.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

93
JUSTIN
There it is. We can’t have you going renegade now that you’re a civilian.
NORA
Yeah... You doing okay?
JUSTIN
What do you mean?
NORA
Last I heard you were...
JUSTIN
I’m fine. I have a job which is more than I can say for you.
NORA
Right.
JUSTIN
Nick’s moving across the hall.
NORA
I heard.
JUSTIN
Yeah. So...
He dials.
Gotta get a car for Jen... Happy Travels ...Hi, please transfer me to someone who speaks
English.
NORA
(to Nick)
Hey.
NICK
Hey, Norca Whale.
JUSTIN
Do you speak English? Great.
NORA
Congratulations.
NICK
Thanks.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

94
JUSTIN
I need a town car or house car or whatever.
NORA
Raise?
NICK
Never.
NORA
Director?
NICK
Manager.
JUSTIN
Out front. Five minutes ago.
NORA
You guys find someone to replace you?
Nick gestures to Justin.
NICK
You’re looking at him.
JUSTIN
Not in five minutes. I meant we already needed it. It’s a figure of speech.
NICK
You got a job?
JUSTIN
Figure of speech.
NORA
Trying. I don’t... I didn’t realize this but I don’t actually know how to do anything. I
spent the last few years getting good at one thing. And I wasn’t really good at that either.
JUSTIN
FORGET IT! Car. Out front. Now. Charge to Room 237.
Justin ends the call.
NICK
No one’s really good at it. Daniel isn’t good unless no one gets good at it.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

95
NORA
Cuz no one can be better than him.
NICK
Believe me. If anyone got good at this job, the whole place would fall apart.
Nora has to tell him something.
NORA
Um... Nick... Listen... I feel really bad about...
NICK
Me too.
NORA
...the way things ended... How I left--
NICK
Yeah.
NORA
Storming out like that--
NICK
I wish you’d--
NORA
I wanted to come back to--
NICK
It’s good to see you.
NORA
Um... You too. I came to apologize--
NICK
It’s fine. You don’t have to--
NORA
No. I want to--
NICK
We don’t have to go there—
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

96
NORA
I wanted to formally apologize.
NICK
Okay.
NORA
But he’s out of town. And maybe it’s best to do it in a memo. Or in an e-mail. Like if I
could just get on the phone with him and explain. You know, like I feel it’s just hanging
out there. I can’t sleep at night knowing he’s angry at me. It being unresolved. I think if
I could clear the air. Maybe if I could talk to him on the phone. Just explain. That I was
reacting emotionally. I wasn’t thinking about... my future. And I... just want to talk to
him. I should’ve just... paused, you know. Instead of blowing up. It won’t happen again.
I know Justin and Jenny are great but I’ve been here a lot longer than either of them.
Combined. And I--
NICK
You aren’t though.
NORA
What?
NICK
You said you’ve been HERE longer than either of them. You don’t work here anymore.
NORA
Yes. That’s why-- I mean that’s why I need to talk to Daniel.
NICK
He’s out of town.
NORA
Okay. I’ll e-mail him. And apologize. And send over my resume. Just for the hell of it.
If he reads it. He reads it. I mean, he won’t read it. But whatever happens happens.
You could smooth it over with him--
NICK
No. I can’t.
Pause.
I don’t work here anymore.
Justin has been listening to their conversation.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

97
JUSTIN
Awww. Don’t let her off so easy. Make her beg for her job back, Nick. She’s so ready
to do it.
NORA
Shut up, Bird.
JUSTIN
Fuck you. Nobody calls me that anymore.
NICK
The finance department does call you Gimpy McLame.
JUSTIN
Losers. Watch the phones. If you aren’t too busy slow dancing.
He limps over to the fax machine and faxes the

voucher.
NICK
It’s good to see you.
NORA
You said that already.
NICK
Yeah. Because... I don’t know.
NORA
I don’t know either.
NICK
Nora. Nora. I never got to… Your first day. When I asked you why you wanted to work here.
And --
The phone RINGS.
And you were so – I should’ve --
RING! Nick checks the caller ID.
It’s him.
NORA
Get it. Maybe I’ll see you around.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

98
NICK
Okay.
He answers the phone.
Daniel Weisinger’s Office.
NORA
Bye Nick.
NICK
(mouths) Bye Nora.
Nora goes to the exit.
NICK
Hi Daniel. Yep. Um. You know? Daniel, I hate to do this to you but... Can I put you on hold?
Nick puts Daniel on hold. He goes after Nora.
He stops her. He says “Can I kiss you?” She nods.
He kisses her. First time we’ve seen them kiss. Not too
long. Just one of those kisses that makes you realize
you’ve never been kissed that way.
When they separate, he says:“Don’t ever come back

here”. She nods. They hug. They’re both really tired.
Whether we can hear his lines or not is up to you.

Justin re-enters. He notices the “on hold” button
flashing. Nora exits.
NICK
I hate girls.
JUSTIN
I know. They’re so stressful. Who’s on three?
Nick goes back to his desk.
NICK
Daniel.
Justin leaps to pick up the phone. He trips and hurts his

bad foot again. Nick watches and does not help him.
Justin makes it to his phone.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

99
JUSTIN
Hello, hello... Daniel. It’s Justin... Yes. ...I understand. I know you don’t like to be put
on hold... Yep. Okay.
He glares at Nick.
I will let him know that... I remember... Yes...
Nick gathers his things. He exits to move into his new

office. Or desk, rather.
No... he’s across the hall... ...Yep... Yep... Thank you Daniel. I do know that. I will get Katherine
for you but I am going to have to pull you on hold to roll calls. That's fine? Okay. Yes. Nope.
There’s no one else here.... It’s just me.
BLACKOUT.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

100
EPILOGUE
Jenny is drunk in a classy bar or club. Dressed to the

nines with a martini glass in her hand.
JENNY
I’m sorry I’m so wasted. I have three hours off until I have to be back at the office and
I’m gonna savor every second of it. I’m gonna be rip roaring drunk for every moment
until 6 AM.
She looks at her watch.
Er… 5:30 AM. Then it’s four espressos and I’M BACK!!
She gulps her drink.
I…. I think I’m just gonna have to go back to the office and sleep there.
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Wouldn’t be the first time. Dude. I sleep at the office all the
times ever… every time. Fuck him! I’m working my ass off and I’m amazing. I’m the
best assistant… EVER! The shit I do for that guy. He is so fucked up. Do
you realize… Do you even know… what I do… what he says to me? I’m gonna make so
much money when I write my memoir about that wanker. Joke’s
on that bloody…
She drinks again.
I’m the best! Who wants to see my tits?! Bugger off! Best assistant ever. That wanker can ask me
to do anything and it’s done.
She snaps her fingers. A song blasts. [e.g.: “Filthy

Gorgeous” by Scissor Sisters]
I love this song! They sound like Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem if
they were a real band and not… Muppets. He wants a… He wants a helicopter in the middle of
the Italian countryside. Done. He wants a Grammy-winning boy band to pull rabbits out of top
hats at his kid’s sweet sixteen. Done. He wants me to dance like Gene Kelly on his head. I’LL
DO IT! I’ll stomp on that... fat… head. Watch me.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

101
Jenny starts tap dancing. Clumsy and tentative steps.
Did it! Wow!

She dances. Drunkenly without skill.
I’M THE BEST! HEY DANIEL! FUCK YOU!
She begins tap dancing with surprising skill. She gets

faster and more stylish. Her arms start to accent her
footwork. She explores the stage giving her steps more
room for a flourish here, a kick there.
She is illuminated with blinding light. She does a

series of complicated and difficult steps. Her face
twisted in concentration. She executes them perfectly.
A maniacal joy fills her. The music becomes deafening.
Her dance destroys the office.
She dances furiously. She is magnificent. She never

stops.
Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

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Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

SCENE ONE -- EVENING

We are in the ANTECHAMBER of an affluent man’s

We don’t have any idea what business they are in.

Daniel’s OFFICE is tucked away upstage. Empty at

The ANTECHAMBER is the exact opposite. A

There are THREE DESKS. Each desk is equipped with

In two of these desks, sit NICK and VINCE.

NICK (mid to late 20s) is a goofy guy with a genuine wit

VINCE (mid to late 20s) is a slick frat boy, definitely

They type away in silence. Vince lets out a long hard

Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

Nick and Vince imitate their boss, Daniel.

[NOTE: The Assistants’ Daniel imitations should not

Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

They type. A pause.

The phone RINGS. It’s deafening.

Both boys put on their headsets. Vince answers the call.

Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

He mutes his headset. [NOTE: The Assistants do this

Vince un-mutes himself. Nick dials.

Daniel interrupts Vince. Vince writes on his legal pad.

He winks at Vince. Vince mutes himself.

Vince un-mutes himself.

Nick puts his call on hold.

Vince puts Daniel on hold.

Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

Vince picks up a line.

Harris? Hi. Here’s Daniel.

He connects the call.

Daniel, you’re on with Harris.

He puts the call on hold and takes off his headset. He

I can’t wait to leave you here to rot for all eternity!!

Vince notices the “on hold” button flashing.

Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

Nick picks up the line and puts it on speakerphone. We

JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE]

JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE]

Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE]

Vince looks at the phone.

JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE]

Nick pushes the number “3” on his phone

JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE]

The phone RINGS.

Vince answers. Nick dials.

Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

Vince snaps his fingers at Nick.

Yep. Yep. You were in your-- You told me not to.

Nick ends his call. Dials.

Vince mutes himself.

Vince un-mutes himself.

Nick waves wildly at Vince.

Updated 2/23/12 4:32 PM

Nick puts his call on hold.

He connects the call.

Mr. James, you’re on with Daniel.

He puts the call on hold.

Suddenly and with great violence, Vince stands, picks

Vince stops himself. He puts the phone down carefully.

Vince sits down and types.