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 Table of Contents
MAD MEMES: Free Bonus
Table of Contents
Introduction
Travel Jokes
A plane was taking off from Kennedy
Airport...
Alaskan tourism
I own the fastest car
Working on the road
Touring South America
Chief is at a wedding
Where is this place?
Get me off this train
How Russian Tour Guides See
 America
Murphy's Travel Laws
Airplane Confusion
Angry drivers meet
You're at a Bad Motel
Try to get some rest
Cop wants an excuse
A driving school test
Crossing the border
Win-Win
Perfect Timing
Sport jokes
Taking the final exam
An extremely loyal fan
Skiing season training
Heaven playing sports
 Stupid sports quotes
The Cowboy excuses
Workout at the gym
The Tyson one-liners
The NFL team names
Olympic city bribery
Do at a bowling alley
Snowboarding lesson
Black belt degrees
Normal car is better
Short Cowboy jokes
School
Fifty ways to add confusion to dining
halls
Impossible final exams
Why must we learn this?
 You might be a college student if . . .
The prayer said before finals
Parents
Thoughts and quotes
Out of food supplies
Fathers then & now
Mom would never say
My wife is pregnant
Have a first child
Pass out in shock
The pre-birth class
Expert on parenting
Travel on the plane
Household physics
New family driver
Knock Knock jokes for kids (and
adults)
Doctor
Cool and Funny Sayings
Conclusion
MAD MEMES: Free Bonus
Introduction
Hi to all the lucky owners of this book.
We are exited to present you our new
release with jokes, gags and anecdotes.
What could be better than a good joke to
bust your mood in just a few minutes?
And how to past the time when you, for
example, on the road, train or plain, or
maybe just bored at home? Correctly!
The best solution is to read the
interesting and fascinating book.
So, we would like to introduce the book
where you will find a lot of good mood.
We have collected everything you need
for this purpose: jokes, anecdotes, funny
stories, etc.
This book is unique in its versatility.
There are chapters for every age group
from the children to adults.
It will bring a lot of positive and good
mood in your life, so don’t hesitate to
start reading!
Travel Jokes
In this chapter you will find a lot of
funny jokes and stories about traveling
that we carefully collected for you from
the web. What could be better to pass
the time, for example, on the beach?
Some of the jokes are accomplished by
illustrations and funny caricatures. It
makes them even more amusing. So, read
the chapter and laugh heartily.
A plane was taking off from
Kennedy Airport...
A plane was taking off from Kennedy
Airport. when it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number 333, nonstop from New York to
Las Vegas. The weather ahead is good
and therefore we should have a smooth
and uneventful flight. Now sit back and
relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the

intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier, but while I was talking, the
flight-attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my
pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's

nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
Alaskan tourism
If you are considering doing some
camping this summer, please note the
following public service announcement:
In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear
tiny bells on their clothing when hiking
in bear country. The bells warn away
MOST bears, but be careful because
they don't scare Grizzly Bears. Tourists
are cautioned to watch the ground on the
trail, paying particular attention to bear
droppings to be alert for the presence of
Grizzly Bears. One can easily spot a
Grizzly dropping because it has tiny
bells in it.
I own the fastest car
A man goes out and buys the best car
available in the Europe or US, a 2001
Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most
expensive car in the world, and it runs
him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin
and, while doing so, stops for a red
light. An old man on a moped, both
looking about 90 years old, pulls up next
to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny
surface of the car and asks "What kind of
car ya got there, sonny?".
The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo
BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man,
shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles
an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look
inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the

window and looks around. Leaning back
on his moped, the old man says "That's a
pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy

decides to show the old man what his
car can do. He floors it, and within 30
seconds the speedometer reads 320.
Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his
rear view mirror. It seems to be getting
closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh!
Something whips by him! Going maybe
three times as fast!

The guy wonders "what on earth could

be going faster than my Turbo
BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees
a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again!

And, it almost looked like the old man
on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy.
How could a moped outrun a Turbo
BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his
rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-
BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the
back of his car, demolishing the rear
end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it is the

old man! Of course, the moped and the
old man are hurting for certain. The guy
runs up to the dying old man and asks
"You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can
do for you?"

The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my

suspenders from the side-view mirror on
your car!"
Working on the road
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station
and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill
and bought a soft drink. He stood by his
car to drink his cola and he watched a
couple of men working along the
roadside. One man would dig a hole two
or three feet deep and then move on. The
other man came along behind and filled
in the hole. While one was digging a
new hole, the other was about 25 feet
behind filling in the old. The men
worked right past the fellow with the
soft drink and went on down the road. "I
can't stand this," said the man tossing the
can in a trash container and heading
down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men.

"Can you tell me what's going on here
with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county

government, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the

other is filling it up. You're not
accomplishing anything. Aren't you
wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of

the men said, leaning on his shovel and
wiping his brow. "Normally there's three
of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the
hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike
here puts the dirt back."

"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just

because Rodney's sick, that don't mean
we can't work, does it?"
Touring South America
A tourist is traveling with a guide
through one of the thickest jungles in
South America, when he comes across
an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is
entranced by the temple, and asks the
guide for details. To this, the guide states
that archaeologists are carrying out
excavations, and still finding great
treasures. The tourist then queries how
old the temple is.

"This temple is 1503 years old", replies

the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he

inquires as to how he gave this precise
figure.

"Easy", replies the guide, "the

archaeologists said the temple was 1500
years old, and that was three years ago"
Chief is at a wedding
A police officer in a small town stopped
a motorist who was speeding down
Main Street. "But officer," the man
began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm

going to let you cool your heels in jail
until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going

to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in

on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you
that the chief is at his daughter's
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when
he gets back."
Where is this place?
A man and his wife were driving their
Recreational Vehicle across the country
and were nearing a town spelled
Kissimee. They noted the strange
spelling and tried to figure how to
pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me;
kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as
they drove into the town.

Since they were hungry, they pulled into

a place to get something to eat. At the
counter, the man said to the waitress:

"My wife and I can't seem to be able to

figure out how to pronounce this place.
Will you tell me where we are and say it
very slowly so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at him and said:

"Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow

in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Get me off this train
One day a man took the train from Paris
to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to
the ticket man:

"Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I

have to get down this train in Mannheim,
but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I
will fall asleep. So what I want you to
do is that you wake me up in Mannheim
because I have to close a business there
and it is very important for me. Here you
have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn
you sometimes when people wake me up
I get really violent, but no matters what I
do or say you got to get me out of this
train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"

So the ticket man agreed and took the

100 francs. Later as the man had said he
fall asleep, and when he woke up he
realized that he was in Frankfurt. He
was so mad at the ticket man that he ran
over and started yelling at the ticket man.

"Are you stupid or something??? I paid

you 100 francs so that you wake me up
in Mannheim. And you didn't, so I want
my money back!"

While the man was yelling at the ticket

guy, two other guys that were also in the
train were looking at them, so one turns
to the other and says to him:

Man 1: "Look at this guy! He is mad!"

Man 2: "Yeah! He's almost as mad as

the guy they made get out of the train in
Mannheim."
How Russian Tour Guides
See America
Here’s a guide to American culture for
Russians visiting the U.S., straight from
Russian tour books:

“Women play a greater role in business.

Often they insist to be treated exactly as
an equal and not as a lady.”

“As a rule, the [social] invitation will be

only on a weekend, and you don’t have
to prepare for something extravagant.
Everything is the same as ours, only with
far less booze.”
“‘See you later’ should not be taken
literally. That is a courtesy, and no
more.”
Murphy's Travel Laws
Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers

No flight ever leaves on time unless you

are running late and need the delay to
make the flight.

***

If you are running late for a flight, it

will depart from the farthest gate
within the terminal.

***

If you arrive very early for a flight, it

inevitably will be delayed.

***

Flights never leave from Gate #1 at

any terminal in the world.

***

If you must work on your flight, you will

experience turbulence as soon as you
touch pen to paper.

***

If you are assigned a middle seat, you

can determine who has the seats on
the aisle and the window while you are
still in the boarding area. Just look for
the two largest passengers.

***

Only passengers seated in window seats

ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

***

The crying baby on board your flight is

always seated next to you.

***

The best-looking woman on your flight

is never seated next to you.
***
The less carry-on luggage space
available on an aircraft, the more
carry-on luggage passengers will bring
aboard.
Airplane Confusion
My flight was delayed in Houston. Since
the gate was needed for another flight,
our aircraft was backed away from the
terminal, and we were directed to a new
gate. We all found the new gate, only to
discover a third gate had been
designated for our plane.

Finally, everyone got on board the right

plane, and the flight attendant
announced: “We apologize for the gate
change. This flight is going to
Washington, D.C. If your destination is
not Washington, D.C., you should
deplane at this time.”
A moment later a red-faced pilot
emerged from the cockpit, carrying his
bags. “Sorry,” he said, “wrong plane.”
Angry drivers meet
In a very small alley two trucks driving
in opposite directions meet.

***

As the drivers are equally stubborn,

neither of them wants to reverse.

***

They angrily look one at the other.

***

Finally, one of them picks up a

newspaper and starts reading.

***

The other one politely asks, "When

you've finished the paper, will you
please bring it over, and let me read it?"
You're at a Bad Motel
The "complimentary" paper tells you that
President Kennedy has died.

***

The mint on the pillow starts moving

when you come close to it.

***

The "magic fingers vibration" is

supplied by giving a quarter to the town
epileptic.

***
There is still some stuff that they put
around crime scenes that is yellow

***

The pictures are not placed for

decoration but to cover up recent bullet
holes.

***

You have to wait until the guy next

door is done with the towel so you can
use it.

***
There's a chalk outline in the bed when
you pull back the covers.

***

The desk clerk has to move the body

in order to get some ice for you.

***

The Only TV station you can get is a

porno channel with roseanne on it.

***

The wake up call comes courtesy of

police helicopter.
Try to get some rest
A man had been driving all night and by
morning was still far from his
destination. He decided to stop at the
next city he came to, and park
somewhere quiet so he could get an hour
or two of sleep. As luck would have it,
the quiet place he chose happened to be
on one of the city's major jogging routes.
No sooner had he settled back to snooze
when there came a knocking on his
window. He looked out and saw a
jogger running in place.

"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do
you have the time?" The man looked at
the car clock and answered, "8:15". The
jogger said thanks and left. The man
settled back again, and was just dozing
off when there was another knock on the
window and another jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the

man could see other joggers passing by
and he knew it was only a matter of time
before another one disturbed him. To
avoid the problem, he got out a pen and
paper and put a sign in his window
saying, "I do not know the time!" Once
again he settled back to sleep. He was
just dozing off when there was another
knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."

Cop wants an excuse
A man was driving home late one
afternoon, and he was driving above the
speed limit. He notices a police car with
its red lights on in his rear view mirror.
He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he
floors it and the race is on. The cars are
racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80,
90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100,

the guy figures "what the heck," and
gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser

and approaches the car. He leans down
and says "Listen mister, I've had a really
lousy day, and I just want to go home.
Give me a good excuse and I'll let you
go."

The man thought for a moment and said...

"Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with
a police officer. When I saw your
cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought
that you were the officer and that you
were trying to give her back to me!"
A driving school test
The following are a sampling of real
answers received on exams given by
the California Department of
Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind

pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license
plate.

***

Q: Who has the right of way when four

cars approach a four-way stop at the
same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack
and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns
don't kill people. I do."

***

Q: When driving through fog, what

should you use?
A: Your car.

***

Q: How can you reduce the possibility

of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

***
Q: What problems would you face if
you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot
faster.

***

Q: What changes would occur in your

lifestyle if you could no longer drive
lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive
unlawfully.

***

Q: What are some points to remember

when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave
"hello" if she is cute.

***

Q: What is the difference between a

flashing red traffic light and a flashing
yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

***

Q: How do you deal with heavy

traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

***

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy

traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

***

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a

police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all
day long.
Crossing the border
While crossing the US-Mexican border
on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a
guard who pointed to two sacks the man
had on his shoulders. "What's in the
bags?", asked the guard.

"Sand," said the cyclist.

"Get them off - we'll take a look," said

the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied

the bags, and proving they contained
nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put
them on his shoulders and continued
across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing

happened. Again the guard demanded to
see the two bags, which again contained
nothing but sand. This went on every
week for six months, until one day the
cyclist with the sand bags failed to
appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to

meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend,
you sure had us crazy", said the guard.
"We knew you were smuggling
something across the border. I won't say
a word - but what is it you were
smuggling?" "Bicycles!"
Win-Win
I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt
Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I
called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare
to Denver is $300,” the cheery
salesperson replied.

“And what about Salt Lake City?”

“We have a really great rate to Salt Lake

—$99,” she said “But there is a
stopover.”

“Where?”

“In Denver,” she said.

Perfect Timing
On vacation in Hawaii, my step- mom,
Sandy, called a café to make
reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her
book, the cheery young hostess said,
"I’m sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would
you like that?"

"That’s fine," Sandy said.

"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she

added, "Just be advised you may have to
wait 15 minutes for your table."
Sport jokes
In this chapter you will find a lot of
funny stories about sports and athletes,
their achievements and their failures.
You will definitely love this chapter, if
you are an athlete or just fond of some
sports. You will be able to laugh on
common sports situations and make fun
on your friends!
Taking the final exam
Two college basketball players were
taking an important final exam. If they
failed, they would be on academic
probation and not allowed to play in the
big game the following week. The exam
was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald

had a ________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea

what to answer. But he knew he needed
to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't

watching, he tapped Tiny on the
shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer
to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make

sure the professor hadn't noticed then he
turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so
stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald
had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember

now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and

started to write the answer in the blank.
He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder
again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you
spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so

easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
An extremely loyal fan
There was a Packers fan with a really
crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with
his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat
on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself
"what a waste" he made his way down
to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the

man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"
The man replied, "This was my wife's
seat. She passed away. She was a big
Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm
so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask
why you didn't give the ticket to a friend
or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the
funeral."
Skiing season training
Ski season is almost here! Hence, the
following list of Exercises to get you
prepared:

Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to

sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an
hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar
bills to warm up.

***

Soak your gloves and store them in the

freezer after every use.

***
Fasten a small, wide rubber band
around the top half of your head
before you go to bed each night.

***

If you wear glasses, begin wearing them

with glue smeared on the lenses.

***

Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

***

Find the nearest ice rink and walk across

the ice 20 times in your ski boots
carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag
and poles. Pretend you are looking for
your car. Sporadically drop things.

***

Place a small but angular pebble in

your shoes, line them with crushed ice,
and then tighten a C-clamp around
your toes.

***

Buy a new pair of gloves and

immediately throw one away.
 ***

Secure one of your ankles to a bed

post and ask a friend to run into you at
high speed.

***

Go to McDonald's and insist on paying

$8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are
in the longest line.

***

Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your

jacket and ride a motorcycle fast
enough to make the ticket lacerate
your face.

***

Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere -

as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're
following an 18 wheeler.

***

Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse

button and let the spray blast your
face. Leave the ice on your face until
it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

***
Dress up in as many clothes as you can
and then proceed to take them off
because you have to go to the bathroom.

***

Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't

go see a doctor.

***

Repeat all of the above every Saturday

and Sunday until it's time for the real
thing!
Heaven playing sports
St. Peter and Satan were having an
argument one day about baseball. Satan
proposed a game to be played on neutral
grounds between a select team from the
heavenly host and his own hand-picked
boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of

Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that
we've got all the good players and the
best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan

answered unperturbed. "We've got all
the umpires.
Stupid sports quotes
These are actual sports quotes said by
various people throughout the world.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked

by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on
all the road trips, Phillips responded,
"Because she is too ugly to kiss
goodbye."

New Orleans Saint RB George

Rogers when asked about the
upcoming season:"I want to rush for
1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the
'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother
to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of
the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over
Joe's mom too."

Football commentator and former

player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody
in football should be called a genius. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the

University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to
graduate on time, no matter how long it
takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State
football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." and "You guys
pair up in groups of three, then line up in
a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who

was ineligible as a freshman because
of academic requirements: "I play
football. I'm not trying to be a
professor. The tests don't seem to
make sense to me, measuring your
brain on stuff I haven't been through
in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike

Tyson hooking up again with promoter
Don King: "Why would anyone expect
him to come out smarter? He went to
prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left
wing, explaining why he keeps a color
photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell
my name, I can still find my fucking
clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had

visited the Parthenon during his visit to
Greece: "I can't really remember the
names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of

championships: "I've won at every
level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the
Spartan training regime of heavyweight
Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up
at six o'clock in the morning regardless
of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general

manager, on his team's 7-27 record:
"We can't win at home. We can't win
on the road.. As general manager, I
just can't figure out where else to
play." (1992)

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State

basketball player, explaining to Coach
Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at
practice: "My sister's expecting a baby,
and I don't know if I'm going to be an
uncle or an aunt." (1982)

Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager,

when asked what terms Mexican-born
pitching sensation Fernando
Valenzuela might settle for in his
upcoming contract negotiations: "He
wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach,

asked if the abnormal number of
Longhorn injuries that season resulted
from poor physical conditioning: "One
player was lost because he broke his
nose. How do you go about getting a
nose in condition for football?" (1966)
Mike McCormack, coach of the
hapless Baltimore Colts after the
team's co-captain, offensive guard
Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring
running onto the field for the coin toss
against St. Louis: "I'm Going to send
the injured reserve players out for the
toss next time." (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach,

telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's
football dorm had destroyed 20 books:
"But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't
been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M.,

when asked after a loss what he
thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed
to comment on lousy officiating."
(1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on

racing Saturday nights as opposed to
Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the
same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders

tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I
was going to write myself in, but I was
afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a

former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is
it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't
care.' " (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston

receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us
wear earrings." (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at

Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending
too much time on one subject." (1987)
The Cowboy excuses
Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing
1995 NFC Championship)

From David Letterman - Tuesday,

January 17, 1995

Afraid to play in Super Bowl against

anyone but the Bills.

Distracted by delicious smell of

barbecue coming from John Madden's
announce booth.

Trying to make one of Marv Albert's

blooper reels.
Our friends on New York Jets
convinced us: "Winning's no big deal."

Worried sick about Letterman botching

the Academy Awards.

Those big guys on other team kept

trying to knock us down.

Who needs all the pressure of a Super

Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!

What a time to notice, them

cheerleader outfits is skimpy!

Tired of going to Disneyland.

Workout at the gym
At the Gym

For Christmas this year my wife

purchased me a week of private lessons
at the local health club. Though still in
great shape from when I was on the
varsity chess team in high school, I
decided it was a good idea to go ahead
and try it. I called and made reservations
with someone named Tanya, who said
she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and athletic clothing model. My wife
seemed very pleased with how
enthusiastic I was to get started.
Day 1

They suggest I keep this "exercise diary"

to chart my progress this week. Started
the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up,
but worth it when I arrived at the health
club and Tanya was waiting for me.
She's something of a goddess, with
blond hair and a dazzling white smile.
She showed me the machines and took
my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed
that it was so high, but I think just
standing next to her in that outfit of hers
added about ten points. Enjoyed
watching the aerobics class. Tanya was
very encouraging as I did my sit ups,
though my gut was already aching a little
from holding it in the whole time I was
talking to her. This is going to be great.

Day 2

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out

the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie
on my back and push this heavy iron bar
up into the air. Then she put weights on
it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little
wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it
the full mile. Her smile made it all worth
it. Muscles feel great

Day 3
The only way I can brush my teeth is by
laying the tooth brush on the counter and
moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I am that I have developed a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was okay as long
as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of
a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little
impatient with me and said my
screaming was bothering the other club
members. The treadmill hurt my chest so
I did the stair monster. Why would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by the
invention of elevators? Tanya told me
regular exercise would make me live
longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4

Tanya was waiting for me with her

vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help
it if I was half an hour late, it took me
that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted
me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance,
Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in
there for a reason. I hid in the men's
room until she sent Lars looking for me.
As punishment she made me try the
rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5

I hate Tanya more than any human being

has ever hated any other human being in
the history of the world. If there was any
part of my body not in extreme pain I
would hit her with it. She thought it
would be a good idea to work on my
triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya,
I don't have triceps. And if you don't
want dents in the floor don't hand me any
barbells. I refuse to accept
responsibility for the damage, you went
to sadist school, you are to blame. The
treadmill flung me back into a science
teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer,
like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6
Got Tanya's message on my answering
machine, wondering where I am. I
lacked the strength to use the TV remote
so I watched eleven straight hours of the
weather channel.

Day 7

Well, that's the week. Thank goodness

that's over. Maybe next time my wife
will give me something a little more fun,
like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.
The Tyson one-liners
Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to
Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take

a year off, he obviously
misunderstood....good thing he didn't
say two!

Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa

Bay Buc-an-EARS.

For the third fight between Mike and

Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in
Earie, PA.
New Tyson burger: There is a piece of
the champ in every bite!!!

They are making a new boxing term

for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a
Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd
in the third!!!"

Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!

If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more

points for a low blow or an ear bite?

In this corner Evander "the Real Meal"

Holyfield!!!!!!!
Before the fight, Mike's trainer told
him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops,
bad advice.

Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight

CHOMP of the world!
The NFL team names
NFL Team Lame Names

When a football team is having trouble

getting into the win column, fans usually
assign a more appropriate name to
describe that team's performance. Here
is a collection of some of these lame
names for the NFL.

AFC West:

Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys

Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs

Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles
Faders

San Diego Chargers - San Diego

Rechargers

Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks

AFC Central:

Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati

Plaingels

Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns

Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers

Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers

AFC East:

Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils

Buffalo Spills

Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts

Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins

Miami Soft Ones

New England Patriots - New England

Patsys
New York Jets - New York Pets

New York Not Yets

NFC West:

Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons

New Orleans Saints - New Orleans

Aint's

Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs

San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco

Whiners

NFC Central:
Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs

Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's

Detroit Kittens

Green Bay Packers - Green Bay

Fudgepackers

Green Bay Slackers

Green Bay Whackers

Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes

Minnesota ViQueens
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay
Yuccaneers

NFC East:

Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals

Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls

Dallas Cowpie
Olympic city bribery
The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes
to Become an Olympic Site

IOC members seem unconcerned over

scheduling conflicts due to the yachting,
diving and swimming events all being
held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.

All 75 of the new hires in the mayor's

office are named either Ingrid or Sven.

After Philadelphia lands the Summer

Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports
a hood ornament that looks strangely like
the Liberty Bell.
Only someone bribed with hookers and
college tuition wouldn't think the term
"New York City Hospitality Committee"
is an oxymoron.

Karl Malone is now playing forward for

the Utah Samaranches.

T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: "My

dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got
was this T-shirt and college tuition."

"Miss Salt Lake" for 1999 requires a

translator to deliver her coronation
speech.
New Olympic mascots: Vinny and
Knuckles.

and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used

Bribes to Become an Olympic Site...

The IOC suddenly decides to change the

official cycling uniforms to white shirts
and ties.

This list is copyrighted by Chris White.

Do at a bowling alley
Things to do at a Bowling Alley

Everytime you throw exclaim "TAKE

THAT, YOU!!!" continue this behavior
until forcefully thrown out.

***

When ever a strike "X" appears on

the screen, start yelling about how this
is a Black Panther conspiracy.

Explain to the Owner how your game

has been ruined due to Platetechtonics
then loose him in lingo. Demand
Compensation.

***

Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.

***

Wear Golf Shoes.

***

Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.

***

Dress up like an amish man. Give

speaches to others against the high
technology used in bowling.

***

Play bocci with extra lane balls

***

Try to juggle the balls, when you drop

them, start screaming about
Platetechtonics again

***

Every ten minutes run the entire

length of the building beating your
own head and speaking in tounges,
then sit down as if nothing happened.

***

Bring full angling gear, ask how they're

biting.....fish.

***

Completely cover your ball in duct

tape (sticky side out) then loudly
complain about how your hook is off.

***

Hide behind the pins. Stick your head

up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

***

Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a

full team of sweepers.

***

Throw refuse down the ball return, tell

the owner the trash compactor is busted.

***

Make your prescence known by

arranging pentagrams out of candles
on every lane except yours.
Root for the other team- Bring Banners.

***

Make fun of your team- Bring

Lettuce.

Tell the rival team captain that you just

met his "little girl" walk away mumbling
"how bad things happen"

***

Bring a foghorn, use at crucial

moments
 ***

Even if you miss totally--At the top of

your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE

***

Bring a small gold idol, demand the

other team pray to it.

***

Rent all the lanes, don't bowl

***

Rent all the shoes, eat them

 ***

Blatenly Underscore yourself, then

accuse the other team of cheating

***

When an opponent is on his

backswing, race up and take his ball,
run home.

***

If your team is in the finals, throw

nothing but gutterballs, blame
platetechtonics
 ***

Trip EVERY member of the opposing

team, trip your team, trip everyone

***

Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.

***

SuperGlue Police Whistles to the

hand-dryers...leave town

***
Walk around asking people why they are
here, do this the whole night

***

Ask to use the house mic. Say you

want to make an anoucement, expond
on the sins of bowling

***

Name your ball something like

"KILLER", Openly boast to everyone
how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this
all night

***
Sit in your lane and heckle others with
a BullHorn.

***

Bring a dartgun...Be inventive.

***

Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style)

Ask someone to ref.

***

Run around sprinkling "MAGIC FAIRY

DUST" on everyone's balls. Tar works
nice.

***

Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl

Night, Dont even have a Entrance fee.
Advertise it using Every Mass Media
known to man, make the 3rd Prize:
$10,000 and a Porshce 2nd Prize:
$5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize:
A coffee mug Then sit back a watch
the fights..... leave or Cancel the
whole thing.

***

Hand out Pamphlets on Patetechtonics.

Snowboarding lesson
Snowboarding Lessons

When you're 47 years old, you

sometimes hear a small voice inside you
that says: "Just because you've reached
middle age, that doesn't mean you
shouldn't take on new challenges and
seek new adventures. You get only one
ride on this crazy carousel we call life,
and by golly you should make the most
of it."

This is the voice of Satan.

I know this because recently, on a

mountain in Idaho, I listened to this
voice, and as a result my body feels as
though it has been used as a trampoline
by the Budweiser Clydesdales.

I am currently on an all-painkiller diet.

"I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil
tablets" is a typical breakfast order for
me these days.

This is because I went snowboarding.

For those of you who, for whatever

reason, such as a will to live, do not
participate in downhill winter sports, I
should explain that snowboarding is an
activity that is popular with people who
do not feel that regular skiing is lethal
enough.

These are of course young people,

fearless people, people with 100 percent
synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a
mountainside at 50 miles per hour and
knock down mature trees with their faces
and then spring to their feet and go,
"Cool."

People like my son. He wanted to try

snowboarding, and I thought it would be
good to learn with him, because we can
no longer ski together.

We have a fundamental difference in

technique: He skis via the Downhill
Method, in which you ski down the hill;
whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching
Method, in which you stand sideways on
the hill, looking as athletic as possible
without actually moving muscles (this
could cause you to start sliding down the
hill).

If anybody asks if you're OK, you say,

"I'm just catching my breath!" in a tone
of voice that suggests that at any moment
you're going to swoop rapidly down the
slope; whereas in fact you're planning to
stay right where you are, rigid as a
statue, until the spring thaw.
At night, when the Downhillers have all
gone home, we Breath-Catchers will
still be up there, clinging to the
mountainside, chewing on our parkas for
sustenance.

So I thought I'd take a stab at

snowboarding, which is quite different
from skiing.

In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or

approximately one per foot, so you can
sort of maintain your balance by moving
your feet, plus you have poles that you
can stab people with if they make fun of
you at close range.
Whereas with snowboarding, all you get
is one board, which is shaped like a
giant tongue depressor and manufactured
by the Institute of Extremely Slippery
Things. Both of your feet are strapped
firmly to this board, so that if you start to
fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch
yourself. You crash to the ground like a
tree and lie there while skiers swoop
past and deliberately spray snow on you.

Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a

generational thing. Skiers are (and here I
am generalizing) middle-aged
Republicans wearing designer space
suits; snowboarders are defiant young
rebels wearing deliberately drab
clothing that is baggy enough to cover
the snowboarder plus a major appliance.
Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a
series of graceful arcs; snowboarders
like to attack the mountain, slashing,
spinning, tumbling, going backward,
blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off
cliffs, getting their noses pierced in
midair, etc.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace;

snowboarders view skiers as Elmer
Fudd.

I took my snowboarding lesson in a

small group led by a friend of mine
named Brad Pearson, who also once
talked me into jumping from a tall tree
while attached only to a thin rope.

Brad took us up on a slope that offered

ideal snow conditions for the novice
who's going to fall a lot: Approximately
seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-
foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.

You could not dent this snow with a

jackhammer. (I later learned, however,
that you COULD dent it with the back of
your head.)

We learned snowboarding via a two step

method:
Step One: Watching Brad do something.

Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.

I was pretty good at Step One. The

problem with Step Two was that you had
to stand up on your snowboard, which
turns out to be a violation of at least five
important laws of physics.

I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be

wavering there and then the Physics
Police would drop a huge chunk of
gravity on me, and WHAM my body
would hit the concrete snow, sometimes
bouncing as much as a foot.
"Keep your knees bent!" Brad would
yell, helpfully.

Have you noticed that whatever sport

you're trying to learn, some earnest
person is always telling you to keep your
knees bent? As if that would solve
anything. I wanted to shout back, "Forget
my Knees! Do Something About these
Gravity Chunks!"

Needless to say my son had no trouble at

all. None. In minutes he was cruising
happily down the mountain; you could
actually see his clothing getting baggier.
I, on the other hand, spent most of my
time lying on my back, groaning, while
space-suited Republicans swooped past
and sprayed snow on me.

If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have

completely covered me; I now realize
that the small hills you see on ski slopes
are formed around the bodies of 47-
year-olds who tried to learn
snowboarding.

So I think, when my body heals, I'll go

back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll
see me out on the slopes, catching my
breath. Please throw me some food.
Black belt degrees
Requirements for 11th Degree Black
Belt:

Master of Judo

Well before testing for this rank any

experienced Judo teacher should have
already learned these basic
techniques:

***

Escape from Dojo

***
The quick exit to avoid clean up and
helping with the mats.

***

Sleeper Stance

***

Standing at the corner of the dojo

pretending to be observing the
students as they sweat with
exhaustion.

***
Sigh of Wisdom

***

Sudden, forceful exhalation when a

beginning student unexpectedly
survives a dangerous body slam
without injury.

***

Crossing Fingers

***

A hopeful posture used when uke has

been choked unconscious.
 ***

Gift of Instruction

***

The act of taking credit whenever a

student wins a tournament or
performs a technique correctly.

***

Seeing Without Seeing

***
The dazed look of amazement given
to the student who asks a stupid
question.

***

Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)

***

Using an hour of class time to answer

the stupid question while students sit
on their knees in seiza.

***

Mugger's Defense
 ***

Offering to lighten the student's

wallet to reduce the risk of
confrontation.

***

Sensei's Downfall

***

Failing to ask for enough money to

keep the dojo open.
***
Further requirements:
Must be able to walk on water (while it
is in liquid form).

***

Must be able to disable a man using

only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.

***

Must be able to make up meaningless

Zen koans on the spot.

***

Must be able to catch a fly with

chopsticks.
 ***

Must be able to defeat multiple masked

ninja movie warriors after they disclose
their evil plans to you and leave you to
die in an easily escapable situation.

***

Must be able to voice over a Godzilla

movie properly (i.e. coordination
between the movement of the lips and
the voice).

***
Must be able to take a bullet (not in the
chest of course but maybe in the foot or
something).

***

Must be able to make your own

nuclear device with a piece of bubble
gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an
alarm clock.

***

Must be able to change into a judogi in a

phone booth at any given moment.

***
Must be able to sing Karaoke.

***

Must be able to use nature to your

advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy,
throw stones at him, climb a tree and
hide...)

***

Must be able to fight blindfolded and

win (against blind competitors of
course).

***
Must have completed a course in "Basic
Samurai Sushi".

***

Must be able to choreograph street

fights for Jackie Chan movies.

***

Must be able to use an opponent's skill

as a reason for defeat.

***

Must be able to keep all bleeding

internal.

***

Must be able to trim an entire forest into

a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.

***

Note:

Laughing at any time will disqualify the

potential 11th dan. If a member of the
Senior Board of Examiners makes a
comment and then waits expectantly, it
may be an indication that he has just
made a joke. A half-smile may be tried
at this time, but in no other instance.
Normal car is better
Reasons why a normal Car is a far
superior vehicle than a F1 Car

"Hundreds of people and tens of

millions of dollars go into building an
F1 car, but a normal car is a far
superior vehicle. You wonder what
goes through those guys' minds when
design their cars. THEY'RE ALL
WRONG!!!!"

No door... I mean, people have to climb

in. Actually, ANYBODY can climb in
and steal it. Pffft!
No roof... The people who drive these
things are left open to the elements.
Like, even convertible cars have
something you can pull over your
head.

No radio (AM and FM), no cassette nor

CD player... how boring it must be to
drive in those things for close to two
hours without having anything to listen
to.

No heating... Being left open to the

elements, the drivers' toes must
become very cold after a while.

No coffee cup holder... Those guys can

spill all the hot (and dangerous stuff)
over themselves. What with them
steering with one hand and trying to
drink with the other.

No ashtrays and electric lighter...

No windshield wipers... and they expect

them to race in the rain?

No windshields... Well, I guess no. 7

and 8 go hand in hand.

No turn signals... How can they indicate

they intend to pass?

No headlights... No wonder they only

drive in the day time.
Only one brake light...

Only one seat... How can a guy go

necking with his girlfriend at the local
drive in?

No anchor for a baby seat... And they are

trying to make us believe that safety
comes first?

No trunk...

No adjustable seats... (mine goes back

and forth, and can be tilted as well)

High fuel consumption...

Engines that don't last...

Tyres that just wear off in no time
flat...

Where's the bloody ignition? I guess it's

back to the old Model T days when the
cars had to be crank started.

No sun visor... Must be fun driving

those things with the sun in the eyes.
Talk about accidents waiting to
happen.
Short Cowboy jokes
Q: What do you call a drug ring in
Dallas?
A: A huddle.

***

Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car,

who's driving?
A: The police.

***

Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get into a

huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to
associate with known felons.
 ***

The Dallas newspapers reported

yesterday that Texas Stadium is going
to take out the artificial turf because
the cowboys play better on "grass."

***

The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new

"Honor System", Yes your Honor, No
your Honor.

***

The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season

this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.
 ***

The Cowboys knew they had to do

something for their defense, so they
hired a new defensive coordinator:
Johnny Cochran

***

Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend

their first week at spring training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.
School
In this chapter you will find a variety of
jokes about school, teachers and
students.
This topic is always been very popular
with every age group from the children
to adults.
So, if you want to have some fun, please,
just start reading and enjoy this chapter.
Q: Why is 88 better than 69?
A: Because you get ate twice.

***

A teacher was teaching her second grade

class about the government, so for
homework that one day, she told her her
students to ask their parents what the
government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he
went up to his dad and ask his what the
government was.
His dad thought for a while and
answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the
president, your mom is Congress, your
maid is the work force, you are the
people and your baby brother is the
future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little
Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe
you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little
Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of
the night, Little Johnny was awakened by
his baby brother's crying. He went to his
baby brother's crib and found that his
baby brother had taken a crap in his
diaper. So Little Johnny went to his
parent's room to get help. When he got to
his parent's bedroom, he looked through
the keyhole to check if his parents were
asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his
mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't
there. So he went to the maid's room.
When he looked through the maid's room
keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with
his maid. Little Johnny was surprised,
but then he just realized something and
thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand
the government! The President is
screwing the work force, Congress is
fast asleep, nobody cares about the
people, and the future is full of s**t!''

***

Q: What do you call a bunch of

tractors parked in front of a
McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.
 ***

Possible Courses:
ESSENTIALS OF BONG DESIGN:
Discover earth, water, wind, and fire as
the tools you'll need to get rid of your
syllabus... some killer hashish.
SMUGGLING 101: Who says the party's
over? Years of commerce have made
this Northern culture an expert at turning
a rectum into a set of luggage.
MEDIEVAL CONDOM USE: Even Sir
Lancelot had a rash. Discover how
centuries of crotch scratchers protected
their privates with specially designed
shields.
THE DEVELOPMENT OF PUKE: Our
native-born instructors take students
from heaving to hurling.
ARCHITECTURE OF EARLY
MODERN BROTHELS: With the aid of
walking tours and guest hooker lecturers.
Thousands of foreign students are
discovering the joyous wonder of
learning about another culture while
being stoned off their ass! Just listen to
what these former students had to say:
"Yeah, man." -- Sully, 20 "Amsterdam
was... dude, I'm really hungry." --
Daphne Ocampo, 19

***

It's fun to watch sports. I'm just tired

of athletes bringing up God at the end
of the game. It doesn't fit, does it?
There's nothing more annoying --
some big freak on the screen after a
game, 'Yeah, I want to thank God for
helping me win. He answered all my
prayers.' What? Yeah, maybe you
ought to pray for something a little
more important, like literacy.

***

I love college girls. The only girls I date

in college, though, are sorority girls.
Why? Because they're dumb. You can
trick them so easy. 'I'm your boyfriend.'
'Oh my God! Let's have sex!'

***
If I drop out of school, where am I
gonna find drugs?

***

This guy is standing outside on his

balcony on the 5th floor of his apartment
when he spots this gorgeous babe
sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony
wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he's
ever seen. He watches her for 3 days
straight, and can't stand it any longer. He
sends down a note on a piece of string:
''If you want me to make love to you
please pull on the string once. If not
please pull slowly 20 times and then
faster another 10."
 ***

Good girls loosen a few buttons when

it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by
loosening a few buttons.
Good girls only own one credit card
and rarely use it. Bad girls only own
one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls
wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during love scenes in
a movie. Bad girls know they could do
it better.
Good girls think they're not fully
dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed
with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' Bad
girls say, ''Don't Stop...''

***

I've always tried to be a good American

citizen, so I have made it a point not to
learn any other language but English.

***

Four college alumni were climbing a

mountain one day. Each was from a
different Big Ten school and each
proclaimed to be the most loyal of all
fans at their alma mater.
As they climbed higher, they argued as
to which one of them was the most
loyal of all. They continued to argue
all the way up the mountain, and
finally as they reached the top, the
Boilermaker hurled himself off the
mountain, shouting, "This is for
Purdue!" as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be out done, the
Wildcat threw himself off the
mountain proclaiming, "This is for
Northwestern!"
Seeing this, the Buckeye walked over
and shouted, "This is for everyone!!!"
and pushed the Wolverine off the side
of the mountain.
 ***

What are the blonde's first words after 4

years of college?
"Would you like fries with that?"

***

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited

when she finished her jigsaw puzzle in
only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said "From
2-4 years."

***

Q: What are the best 10 years of a

blonde's life?
A: Third grade.

***

Q: What's it called when a blonde

blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

***

My niece is a sophomore at West Point.

She's already had five majors -- and
three captains and two lieutenants. She's
a very slutty young woman.

***

When I was in junior high, we moved to

the suburbs to a neighborhood that was
not very tough at all. Even our school
bully was only passive-aggressive. He
wouldn't take your lunch; he'd just go,
'You're gonna eat all that?'

***

A question had appeared in a student's

medical examination which read: "List
four benefits of breast milk." A
student began to answer the question:
1. No need to bottle it. 2. Cats can't
steal it. 3. Available whenever
necessary. But the fourth point eluded
him.
When there were barely a couple of
minutes before the exam ended, the
fourth point flashed before his mind.
So he completed the answer by
writing: 4. Available in attractive
containers.

***

Q: How many Northern Californians

does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Hella.

***

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has

been taught for about a zillion years
by Professor Bonk (really), and his
course is semi-affectionately known as
"Bonkistry". He has been around
forever, so I wouldn't put it past him
to come up with something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these
two guys who were taking Chemistry
and who did pretty well on all of the
quizzes and the mid-terms and labs,
etc., such that going into the final they
had a solid A. These friends were so
confident going into the final that the
weekend before finals week (even
though the Chem final was on
Monday), they decided to go up to U
Virginia and party with some friends
up there.
They did this and had a great time.
However, with their hangovers and
everything, they overslept all day
Sunday and didn't make it back to
Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they
found Professor Bonk after the final
and explained to him why they missed
the final. They told him that they went
up to UVA for the weekend, and had
planned to come back in time to study,
but that they had a flat tire on the way
back and didn't have a spare and
couldn't get help for a long time and
so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then
agreed that they could make up the
final on the following day. The two
guys were elated, relieved and very
proud of their story. So, they studied
that night and went in the next day at
the time Bonk had told them. He
placed them in separate rooms and
handed each of them a test booklet
and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem,
which was something simple about
molarity and solutions and was worth
5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is
going to be easy." They did that
problem and turned the page. They
were unprepared, however, for what
they saw on the next page...
WHICH TIRE? (95 points)

***
I didn't do too well in college. The only
class I did well in was psychology. My
term paper on dreams was actually
published. Do you read Penthouse? I
was the guy named JoJo.

***

On the first day of college, the dean

addressed the students, pointing out
some of the rules: "The female
dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all
male students, and the male dormitory
will be off limits to the female
students. Anybody caught breaking
this rule will be fined $20 the first
time. Anybody caught breaking this
rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you
$180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and
asked, "How much for a season
pass?"

***

Donny is a 17-year-old ninth grader who

is becoming increasingly disillusioned
with the public school system. One day
he got an easy homework assignment.
All he had to do was put each of the
following words in a sentence. This is
what he did....
1. HOTEL -- I gave my girlfriend da
crabs and the HOTEL everybody.
2. RECTUM -- I had two Cadillacs,
but my ol' lady RECTUM both.
3. DISAPPOINTMENT -- My
parole officer tol me if I miss
DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send
me back to the big house.
4. FORECLOSE -- If I pay alimony
this month, I'll have no money
FORECLOSE.
5. CATACOMB -- Don King was at
the fight the other night, Man, somebody
give that
CATACOMB.
6. PENIS -- I went to da doctor and
he handed me a cup and said PENIS.
7. ISRAEL -- Alonso tried to sell me
a Rolex, I said Man, that looks fake. He
said, No, ISRAEL.
8. UNDERMINE -- There is a fine
lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment
UNDERMINE.
9. TRIPOLI -- I was gonna buy my
old lady a bra but I couldn't find no
TRIPOLI.
10. STAIN -- My mother-in-law
axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.
11. SELDOM -- My cousin gave me
two tickets to the Knicks game, so I
SELDOM.
12. ODYSSEY -- I told my bro, you
ODYSSEY the tits on this hoe.
13. HORDE -- My sister got into
trouble because she HORDE around in
school.
14. INCOME -- I just got in bed wit
dis hoe and INCOME my wife.
15. FORTIFY -- I axed da hoe how
much? And she say FORTIFY.
Donny got an A.

***

She's not that bright. She calls me up

yesterday, 'John, the light bulb in the
bathroom burned out. I don't know
how to change it.' I said, 'First, you fill
the tub with water.'

***

A graduate with a science degree asks,

"Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree
asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree
asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree
asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

***

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners

where he was invited to give a speech.
One day, on his way to one of those
dinners, he told his chauffeur (who
looked exactly like him) that he was
dead tired of giving the same speech,
dinner after dinner.
"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a
good idea. Why don't I give the speech
since I've heard it so many times?'' So
Albert's chauffeur gave the speech
perfectly and even answered a few
questions. Then, a professor stood up
and asked him a really tough question
about anti-matter which the chauffeur
couldn't answer
"Sir, the answer to your question is so
easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"
Spoofs on college names

In each of these examples, the actual

name of the college is written first.
Then, after each, spoofs are written
about each college name.

Auburn University.
Brown University.
Chrome Yellow University.
Neon Pink University.
****
Northern Illinois University.
Southern Illinois University.
Eastern Illinois University.
Western Illinois University.
Northeastern Illinois University.
Northwestern Illinois University.
Southeastern Illinois University.
Southwestern Illinois University.
North-by-Northwestern Illinois
University.
***
Yale University.
Cole University.
Weiser University.
Kwikset University.
***
Harvey Mudd College.
Roger Mudd College.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd College.
My Name Is Mudd College.
***
King's College.
Queen's College.
Jack's College (formerly Knave's
College).
Ten's College.
Ace's College.
***
Texas A&I University.
Texas A&M University.
North Carolina A&T University.
Tennessee C&W University.
Michigan R&B University.
New Jersey M&M University.
San Francisco S&M University.
***
Governors State University.
Lieutenant-Governors State University.
Secretaries of State State University.
State Comptrollers State University.
 ***

University of Tennessee Space

Institute.
University of Southwestern Arkansas
Cosmic Realms Institute.
Elroy Jetson Space Magic Institute.

***

Lawrence Livermore National Labs.

Lawrence Berkeley National Labs.
Lawrence Olivier National Labs.
Lawrence of Arabia National Labs.
Lawrence Welk National Labs.

***
Argonne National Labs.
Kryptonne National Labs.
Xenonne National Labs.
Radonne National Labs.

Concordia University.
Discordia University.
Misericordia University.

University of Wisconsin - Madison.

University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee.
University of Wisconsin - River Falls.
University of Wisconsin - Stout.
University of Wisconsin - Porter.
University of Wisconsin - Malt Liquor.
University of Wisconsin - Night Train.
University of Wisconsin - Everclear.
Purdue University.
Louis Rich University.
Hormel University.
Oscar Mayer University.

Drexel University.
Ethan Allen University.
Seidel University.
La-Z-Boy University.

George Washington University.

James Madison University.
Chester A. Arthur University.
Millard Fillmore University.
Spiro T. Agnew University.
J. Danforth Quayle University.
McMaster University.
McSlave University.
McTop University.
McBottom University.

Wright State University.

Wrong State University.
Altered State University.
UnState University.
Out of State University.

McGill University.
McScale University.
McFin University.
McTail University.
McOperculum University.

McNeese State University.

McNeffew State University.
McAuntt State University.
McUnccle State University.

Seton Hall University.

Seton Vestibule University.
Seton Bathroom University.
Seton Bedroom University.

Sam Houston State University.

Sam Walton State University.
Sam I Am State University.
Son of Sam State University.

South Dakota School of Mines and

Technology.
Colorado School of Mines.
Wyoming School of Ditches.
Montana School of Holes in the
Ground.

BU.
BYU.
NYU.
BYOB.

Clemson University.
Jebson University.
Abnerson University.
DaisyMaeson University.

Clarkson University.
Loisson University.
Jimmyson University.

Stephen F. Austin State University.

Steve Austin State University.
Bionic Woman State University.

Tufts University.
Locks University.
Bald Spot University.

Tulane University.
Forlane University.
Atelane University.

Baruch College.
The Weizmann Institute.
Hofstra University.
Brandeis University.
Carasso University.

Emory University.
Nail Clippor University.
Polish Removor University.

Fordham University.
Chryslerporkshoulder University.
Generalmotorspigsfeet University.

Universite' de Montre'al.
Universite' Laval.
Universite' Trudeau.
Universite' Mulroney.

University of Central Florida.

University of EPCOT Center.
University of Disney World.

Bowie State University.

Butcher State University.
Ginsu State University.
Swiss Army State University.

Angelo State University.

Giuseppe State University.
Mario State University.
Cosa Nostra State University.

Mitsubishi Information Technology Labs.

NEC Research Institute.

Florida Atlantic University.

Florida Pacific University.
Florida Indian University.
Florida Arctic University.

Carnegie Mellon University.

Carnegie Cucummber University.
Carnegie Zucchinni University.

College of William and Mary.

College of Bonnie and Clyde.
College of George and Gracie.
College of Frankie and Johnny.
College of Jimmy and Rosalyn.
College of Ronnie and Nancy.
College of Andy and Fergie.

Cornell University.
Wheatell University.
Barleyell University.
Buckwheatell University.

Dartmouth University.
Dartnostril University.
Dartrectum University.
Duke University.
Viscount University.
Baronet University.
Knight University.
Commoner University.

Ferris State University.

Roller Coaster State University.

Florida International University.

Florida National University.
Florida State University.
Florida County University.
Florida Local University.
Florida Neighborhood University.
Florida Backyard University.
Florida Garage University.
Grand Valley State University.
Small Valley State University.
Piffling Little Valley State University.
Large Flood Plain State University.

Hunter College.
Fisherman College.
Camper College.
Backpacker College.

Lehigh University.
Lelow University.
Leinbetween University.

Colgate University.
Crest University.
Gleem University.
Close-Up University.
Pearl Drops Tooth Polish University.

Nova University.
Duster University.
Pinto University.
Super Beetle University.

Old Dominion University.

New Dominion University.
Dominions, Principalities, and Powers
University.
Mark-Jason Dominionus University.

IBM T. J. Watson Research Center.

IBM T. J. Hooker Research Center.
IBM J. T. Kirk Research Center.
Southern Methodist University.
Southern Baptist University.
Primitive Baptist University.
Holy Roller University.

Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology.

Daisy-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Delphinium-Hulman Institute of
Technology.
Chrysanthemum-Hulman Institute of
Technology.

Our Lady of the Angels College.

Our Lady of the Elms College.
Our Lady of the Night College.

Prentiss Normal and Industrial

Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Industrial
Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Interior
Decoration Institute.

Grinnell College.
Smilell College.
Smirkell College.

Dalhousie University.
Sandboxie University.
Playgroundequipmentie University.

Simon Fraser University.

Simon Magus University.
Simon Templar University.
Simon Legree University.
Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Dominican College.
Illinois Trappist College.
Illinois Carthusian College.

Illinois Benedictine College.

Illinois Benedictine and Brandy College.
Illinois Drambuie College.
Illinois Grand Marnier College.

Kent State University.

Winston State University.
Marlboro State University.
Camel Wides State University.

College of Wooster.
College of Jeeves.
College of Pinker.
College of Fink-Nottle.

Villanova University.
Bossa Nova University.
Chevy Nova University.

Slippery Rock State College.

Crocodile Rock State College.
Jailhouse Rock State College.
Rock Around the Clock State College.
Go Crawl Under a Rock State College.

Smith College.
Jones College.
John Doe College.
John Q. Public College.

Sarah Lawrence College.

Sarah Bernhardt College.
Sarah Jane Smith College.
Sara Lee College.

Holy Apostles College.

Holy Names College.
Holy Family College.
Holy Toledo College.

Sweet Briar College.

Sweet and Sour Briar College.
Twice Cooked Briar College.
Szechwan Briar With Hot Bean Curd
and Crispy Noodles College.

Grambling State University.

Smroking State University.
Drrinking State University.
Whroring State University.

Creighton University.
Cardboard Bachson University.
Shipping Contaigneron University.
Mailing Tyoobon University.

Worcester Polytechnic Institute.

Teriyaki Polytechnic Institute.
Soy Polytechnic Institute.
A-1 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Heinz 57 Steak Polytechnic Institute.

Case Western Reserve University.

Case Eastern Loquacity University.
Case Southern Charm University.
Case Midwestern Folksiness University.
Tuskegee Institute.
Hornegee Institute.
Antleregee Institute.

Oberlin College.
Oberkellner College.
Oberkommando College.
Oberbuergermeister College.

Millikin University.
Rutherferd University.
Schroedingor University.
Einsteen University.

Bowling Green State University.

Bowling Alley State University.
Bowling Pin State University.
Bowling Jacket State University.
Bowling Shoes State University.
Bowling Trophy State University.

Bob Jones University.

Bob Hope University.
Bob Barker University.
Bob Newhart University.
Bob Evans Restaurant University.
J. R. "Bob" Dobbs University.

Open Bible College.

Closed Bible College.
Open Just a Crack Bible College.
Liberty Baptist College.
Equality Baptist College.
Fraternity Baptist College.
Fifty fun things to do
during an exam

You should not attempt these things

during an actual exam. The following is
meant for entertainment purposes only.

Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend

to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up,
say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do
some gibberish work. Turn it in a few
minutes early.

Get a copy of the exam, run out

screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
secret documents!!"

If it is a math/science exam, answer in

essay form. If it is long answer/essay
form, answer with numbers and symbols.
Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

Make paper airplanes out of the

exam. Aim them at the instructor's
left nostril.

Talk the entire way through the exam.

Read questions aloud, debate your
answers with yourself out loud. If asked
to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can
hear me thinking. " Then start talking
about what a jerk the instructor is.
Bring cheerleaders.

Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About

five minutes into it, loudly say to the
instructor, "I don't understand any of this.
I've been to every lecture all semester
long! What's the deal? And who are you?
Where's the regular guy?"

Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear,

etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max
level.

On the answer sheet (book, whatever)

find a new, interesting way to refuse to
answer every question. For example: I
refuse to answer this question on the
grounds that it conflicts with my
religious beliefs. Be creative.

Bring pets.

Run into the exam room looking about

frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go
to the instructor, say "They've found me,
I have to leave the country" and run off.

Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand

up, rip up all the papers into very
small pieces, throw them into the air
and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If
you're really daring, ask for another
copy of the exam. Say you lost the
first one. Repeat this process every
fifteen minutes.

Do the exam with crayons, paint, or

fluorescent markers.

Come into the exam wearing slippers,

a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and
nothing else.

Come down with a BAD case of Turet's

Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar
as possible.

Do the entire exam in another

language. If you don't know one, make
one up! For math/science exams, try
using Roman numerals.

Bring things to throw at the instructor

when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the
person nearest to you.

As soon as the instructor hands you

the exam, eat it.

Walk into the exam with an entourage.

Claim you are going to be taping your
next video during the exam. Try to get
the instructor to let them stay, be
persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect
a percentage of the profits if they are
allowed to stay.
Every five minutes, stand up, collect
all your things, move to another seat,
continue with the exam.

Turn in the exam approximately 30

minutes into it. As you walk out, start
commenting on how easy it was.

Do the entire exam as if it was

multiple choice and true/false. If it is a
multiple choice exam, spell out
interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.
etc. . ).

Bring a black marker. Return the exam

with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.
Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it,
throw your papers down violently,
scream out "Forget this!" and walk
out triumphantly.

Arrange a protest before the exam starts

(i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether
or not everyone's done, they are all
leaving after one hour to go drink)

Show up completely drunk.

(Completely drunk means at some
point during the exam, you should
start crying for mommy).

Every now and then, clap twice

rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell
him/her in a very derogatory tone,
"the light bulb that goes on above my
head when I get an idea is hooked up
to a clapper. DUH!"

Comment on how sexy the instructor is

looking that day.

Come to the exam wearing a black

cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on
a white mask and start yelling "I'm
here, the phantom of the opera" until
they drag you away.

Go to an exam for a class you have no

clue about, where you know the class is
very small, and the instructor would
recognize you if you belonged. Claim
that you have been to every lecture. Fight
for your right to take the exam.

Upon receiving the exam, look it over,

while laughing loudly, say "you don't
really expect me to waste my time on
this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

Bring a water pistol with you.

From the moment the exam begins,

hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
the instructor's requests for you to
stop. When they finally get you to
leave one way or another, begin
whistling the theme to the Bridge on
the River Kwai.

Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

If the exam is math/science related,

make up the longest proofs you could
possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary
numbers into most equations. If it is a
written exam, relate everything to
your own life story.

Come in wearing a full knight's outfit,

complete with sword and shield.

Bring a friend to give you a back

massage the entire way through the
exam. Insist this person is needed,
because you have bad circulation.

Bring cheat sheets for another class

(make sure this is obvious. . . like
history notes for a calculus exam. . .
otherwise you're not just failing, you're
getting kicked out too) and staple them to
the exam, with the comment "Please use
the attached notes for references as you
see fit. "

When you walk in, complain about the

heat.

After you get the exam, call the

instructor over, point to any question,
ask for the answer. Try to work it out of
him/her.

One word: Wrestlemania.

Bring balloons, blow them up, start

throwing them around like they do
before concerts start.

Try to get people in the room to do the

wave.

Play frisbee with a friend at the other

side of the room.

Bring one pencil with a very sharp point.

Break the point off your paper. Sharpen
the pencil. Repeat this process for one
hour.

Get deliveries of candy, flowers,

balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you
every few minutes throughout the
exam.

During the exam, take apart everything

around you. Desks, chairs, anything you
can reach.

Complete the exam with everything

you write being backwards at a 90
degree angle.

Bring a musical instrument with you,

play various tunes. If you are asked to
stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a
copy of the Student Handbook with you,
challenging the instructor to find the
section on musical instruments during
finals. Don't forget to use the phrase
"Told you so".

Answer the exam with the "Top Ten

Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a
Terrible Teacher"
Fifty ways to add confusion
to dining halls
You should not attempt any these
things. The following is meant for
entertainment purposes only.

Find two straws, preferably with wide

tubes. Sip some soda up and spray it on
the person next to you. Pretend nothing
happened.

***

Don't go to the dining hall. Live there

and never leave. When people come
in, harass for news of the outside
world and tell them how the dining hall
needs new ketchup.

***

Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by

slamming your face into your food.

***

4. After obtaining your food, proceed

to throw it out the nearest window.
Turn to the person nearest to you and
say, "Wow! Did you ever see [name of
dish] fly like that before?"

***
Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo
every time someone gets milk.

***

Go up to the server and ask to see the

chef. After he/she is introduced,
request an off-the-menu meal
consisting of lightly blackened
escargot, a simmering seafood bisque,
a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a
basil cream sauce, and a tart but not
sweet dessert of his/her own
concoction. When he or she refuses,
punch them and proceed to make this
meal yourself.
 ***

After finishing your meal, look at your

brand of china. Proceed to look at
everyone else's, regardless of whether
they're finished eating or not. Complain
how the school is too cheap to buy some
real Wedgewood china. Then dump your
dishes and waste food in the trash and
explain how it would be cheaper to buy
new dishes than to wash the old ones.

***

During the meal, start a conversation

about the innocence of Jeffrey
Dahmer. Then look at everybody's
limbs with a marked amount of
interest. Then "involuntarily" drool.

Stand in line for the food. After getting

your food, smear it over your clothes
and return to the end of the line. Repeat.

***

Complain how cold it is in the dining

hall--to every person in the dining hall.

***

Instead of getting a fork, knife, and

spoon, get three spoons. Cut your meat
with them and pretend not to notice.

***

Do not to use glasses. Anytime you

feel like having a drink, go up to the
liquid dispenser, wrap your mouth
around it, and press the button.
Complain that it goes too fast.

***

Burp to the tune of Jingle Bells.

***

Stand next to the salad bar. Every

time someone reaches for some food,
yell, "Hey!" and shake your head.

***

Remark on how the food's sanitation is

open to question. Recall the time you
saw the chef blow snot rocks into the
food "for seasoning." Ask the person
next to you to be your Food Tester.

***

Enter the dining hall half naked. If

you're not immediately removed from
the premises, sit next to someone
eating. Ask him or her how they're
enjoying their meal.

***

Ask how the lettuce was killed. After the

initial pause of confusion, shake your
head angrily and yell, "What about
vegetables?! Don't they have rights
too?!"

***

Grab a big handful of whatever it is

you're eating and shove it into your
neighbor's face. Offer him or her a
bite.
 ***

Get your food and sit down. Count out

loud the number of grains of rice you
received, starting again every once in a
while. When you're done, go up to the
server and tell him or her how you were
cheated out of 8 grains and proceed to
make a scene.

***

Same as above, but with burgers.

***

When they're not looking, empty your

bladder into an empty glass. Show
contents to everyone and say, "This
apple juice tastes funny. Here. Try
some."

***

Every time someone takes a bite of

their food, laugh uncontrollably. Stop
suddenly and warn everyone not to
laugh. Then take a bite of yours while
giving everyone an evil eye.

***

Get a friend. Practice weightlifting

tables. If people complain, weightlift
them.

***

Get some clean plates and empty

glasses. Sit down and stare them
down.

***

During the meal, yell out, "Oh my gosh!

It's still alive!" Grab your knife and start
hacking at the meat.

***

Dress in clothes with lots of pockets.

When you're in the dining hall, stuff
them with all the food you can find.
Waddle out of the dining hall, but on
the way out, remark how the dining
hall never has enough food.

***

Practice singing.

***

Randomly stop people from eating and

try to convince them that their food is
poisoned.

***
Bring insects and small rodents.
Release.

***

Dress in a toga. After getting your

food, find a comfortable place to
recline. Throw your utensils on the
floor and start eating Romanically.
Explain how you never should have
trusted that Brutus guy.

***

Switch the label on skim milk with the

one on whole milk.
 ***

Yell to someone walking by, "I'll take

two hot dogs, and my son will have
some peanuts."

***

After getting all your food, sit down.

Start arranging your food alphabetically,
from left to right. Ask the person next to
you whether you should put orange juice
under "o" or "j."

***
34. Bring in a television and VCR. Set
it up to play "Faces of Death." Eat
avidly as you describe each screen to
everyone. Embellish. Don't be afraid
to speak while your mouth is full.

***

Get a large container and fill it with

milk. Pour its contents into the cereal
dispenser. Dispense cereal. Complain
about how you always get too much
milk.

***

Go up to someone you don't know and

say, "Can I toast your buns?"

***

Talk to your food. Tell it to quit

complaining or else you'll chew more.

***

Find and remove all the green Froot

Loops from the cereal dispenser. Then
announce to everyone that you're
charging a nickel for each green Froot
Loop. If they refuse, tell them that
they're not real Froot Loop eaters.

***
Stand where everyone empties their
trays. Offer to eat everything unfinished.

***

"Pass the pepper and salt, please."

***

Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table

where everyone's done eating. Inform
them of the daily special desserts and
take their orders.

***
Spill your drink and tray on a person
and run off.

***

During the meal, tell about the time you

beat a boulder to death.

***

Find a full table. Ask, "Is anyone

sitting under there?" Proceed to eat
beneath the table. Ask for amenities
such as napkins and ketchup.
Comment on how nice everyone's
shoes look.
 ***

If sitting with someone with whom

you're romantically interested, complain
how the setting isn't very romantic.
Apologize. Then give a look of resolve
and proceed to smash all the lights in the
dining hall. Sit back down and remove
the shattered glass from your partner's
food.

***

Bring in a cordless or cellular phone.

Order pizza.

***
During the meal, complain how terrible
the virus is that you have. Proceed to
cough and sneeze on everyone's food.

***

Speak of some disgusting topic while

everyone is eating.

***

Request a waitress.

***

Comment on how good the food is.

Impossible final exams
Instructions: Read each question
carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin
immediately.

Art: Given one eight-count box of

crayons and three sheets of notebook
paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine
Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.

***

Biology: Create life. Estimate the

differences in subsequent human
culture if this form of life had
developed 500 million years earlier,
with special attention to its probable
effect on the English Parliamentary
System circa 1750. Prove your thesis.

***

Chemistry: You must identify a poison

sample which you will find at your lab
table. All necessary equipment has been
provided. There are two beakers at your
desk, one of which holds the antidote. If
the wrong substance is used, it causes
instant death. You may begin as soon as
the professor injects you with a sample
of the poison. (We feel this will give you
an incentive to find the correct answer.)

***
Civil Engineering: This is a practical
test of your design and building skills.
With the boxes of toothpicks and glue
present, build a platform that will
wupport your weight when you and
your platform are suspended over a
vat of nitric acid.

***

Computer Science: Write a fifth-

generation computer language. Using this
language, write a computer program to
finish the rest of this exam for you.

***
Economics: Develop a realistic plan
for refinancing the national debt.
Trace the possible effects of your plan
in the following areas: Cubism, the
Donatist Controversy and the Wave
Theory of Light. Outline a method for
preventing these effects. Criticize this
method from all possible points of
view. Point out the deficiencies in your
point of view, as demonstrated in your
answer to the last question.

***

Electrical Engineering: You will be

placed in a nuclear reactor and given a
partial copy of the electrical layout. The
electrical system has been tampered
with. You have seventeen minutes to find
the problem and correct it before the
reactor melts down.

***

Engineering: The disassembled parts

of a high-powered rifle have been
placed on your desk. You will also find
an instruction manual, printed in
Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry
bengal tiger will be admitted to the
room. Take whatever action you feel
necessary. Be prepared to justify your
decision.

***
Epistemology: Take a position for or
against truth. Prove the validity of your
stand.

***

General Knowledge: Describe in

detail. Be objective and specific.

***

History: Describe the history of the

Papacy from its origins to the present
day, concentrating especially, but not
exclusively, on its Europe, Asia,
America and Africa. Be brief, concise
and specific.
 ***

Mathematics: Derive the Euler-

Cauchy equations using only a
straightedge and compass. Discuss in
detail the role these equations had on
mathematical analysis in Europe
during the 1800s.

***

Medicine: You have been provided with

a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix.
Do not suture until you work has been
inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

***
Metaphysics: Describe in detail the
probably nature of life after death.
Test your hypothesis.

***

Music: Write a piano concerto.

Orchestrate and perform it with flute and
drum. You will find a piano under your
seat.

***

Philosophy: Sketch the development

of human thought. Estimate its
significance. Compare with the
development of any other kind of
thought.

***

Physchology: Based on your knowledge

of their works, evaluate the emotional
stability, degree of adjustment, and
repressed frustrations of each of the
following: Alexander of Aphrodisis,
Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your
evaluation with quotations from each
man's work, making appropriate
references. It is not necessary to
translate.

***

Physics: Explain the nature of matter.

Include in your answer an evaluation
of the impact of the development of
mathematics on science.

***

Political Science: There is a red

telephone on the desk beside you. Start
World War III. Report at length on its
socio-political effects if any.

***

Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed

aborigines are storming the classroom.
Calm them. You may use any ancient
language except Latin or Greek.
 ***

Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity

will be judged.

***

Sociology: Estimate the sociological

problems which might accompany the
end of the world. Construct an
experiment to test your theory.

***

Extra Credit: Define the universe, and

give three examples.
Why must we learn this?
One day our professor was discussing a
particularly complicated concept. A pre-
med student rudely interrupted to ask,
"Why do we have to learn this pointless
information"

"To save lives." the professor responded

quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student

spoke up again. "So how does physics
save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of

medical school," replied the professor.
You might be a college
student if . . .
If you have ever price shopped for Top
Ramen, you might be a college student.

***

If you live in a house with three

couches, none of which match.

***

If you consider Mac and Cheese a

balanced meal.

***
If you have ever written a check for
45 cents.

***

If you have a fine collection of domestic

beer bottles.

***

If you have ever seen two

consectutive sunrises without sleeping.

***

If your glass set is composed of

McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic
Cups (ie.Olympic Dream Team I or II).

***

If your underwear supply dictates the

time between laundry loads.

***

If you cannot remember when you last

washed your car.

***

If you can pack your worldly

possesions into the back of a pick-up
(one trip).

***

If you have ever had to justify yourself

for buying Natural Light.

***

If the first thing you do in the morning

is roll over and introduce yourself.

***

If you average less than 3 hours of sleep

a night.
 ***

If your trash is overflowing and your

bank account isn't

***

If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times

a week

***

If you eat at the cafeteria because it's

"free", even though it tastes terrible.

***
If you are personally keeping the local
pizza place from bankruptcy

***

If you wake up 10 minutes before

class

***

If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a

row -- without washing them

***

If your breakfast consists of a coke on

the way to class
 ***

If your social life consists of a date with

the library

***

If your idea of "doing your hair" is

putting on a baseball cap

***

If it takes a shovel to find the floor of

your room

***
If you carry less than a dollar on you
at all times because that's all you have

***

If you haven't done laundry in so long

you are wearing your swim suit to class

***

If your midnight snack is microwave

popcorn

***

If you celebrate when you find a quarter

 ***

If your room is so cold that your toilet

freezes over

***

If your walls are plastered with posters

of half naked men or women (whichever
your preference)

***

If you have built up a tolerence for

beverages (he he he)
 ***

If you wear a sweat suit for so long that

it stands up by itself

***

If your backpack is giving you

Scoliosis

***

If you get more sleep in class than in

your room

***
If your idea of feeding the poor is
buying yourself some Ramen Noodles

***

If you can sleep through your roommate's

blaring stereo

***

If you live in an area that is smaller

than most mobile homes

***

If you get more e-mail than mail.

The prayer said before finals
Now I Lay Me
Down to Study,
I Pray the Lord I
Won't Go Nutty.

***

If I Should Fail to
Learn this Junk,
I Pray the Lord
I Will Not Flunk.

***

But If I Do,
Don't Pity Me at All,
Just Lay My Bones
In the Study Hall.

***

Tell My Prof
I Did My Best,
Then Pile My
Books upon My Chest.

***

Now I Lay Me
Down to Rest,
And Pray I'll Pass
Tomorrow's Test.

***
If I Should Die Before I Wake,
That's One less Test I'll Have to
Take.
Parents
Want to spend some good time with your
family and laught at yourself? This
chapter is exactly what you need!
Here, we have collected some of the
best stories and jokes about family,
parents and kids.
Lift yourself up! Enjoy a pleasant
pastime with your friends and family.
Thoughts and quotes
The advice your son rejected is now
being given by him to your grandson.
***
Working mothers are guinea pigs in a
scientific experiment to show that
sleep is not necessary to human life.

***

Parents often talk about the younger

generations as if they didn't have
anything to do with it.

***
“The first half of our lives is ruined by
our parents and the second half by our
children.”

***

“When my kids become wild and unruly,

I use a nice safe playpen. When they’re
finished, I climb out.

***

“It is amazing how quickly the kids

learn to drive a car, yet are unable to
understand the lawnmower,
snowblower, or vacuum cleaner.”
 ***

“The most remarkable thing about my

mother is that for thirty years she served
the family nothing but leftovers. The
original meal has never been found…”
—Calvin Trillin

***

“Having one child makes you a

parent; having two, you are a
referee.”

***

“If you’ve never been hated by a child,

you’ve never been a parent.” —Bette
Davis

***

“I believe that we parents must

encourage our children to become
educated, so they can get into a good
college that we cannot afford.”

***

“If you want a baby, have a new one.

Don’t baby the old one.” —Jessamyn
West

***
“Having children makes you no more
a parent than having a piano makes
you a pianist.”

***

“Never raise your hand to your kids. It

leaves your groin unprotected.”

***

“Raising kids is part joy and part

guerilla warfare.”

***
“Everybody knows how to raise
children, except the people who have
them.”
Out of food supplies
With four daughters and one son always
dashing to school activities and part-
time jobs, our schedule was hectic.

***

To add to this, we kept running out of

household supplies.

***

I instructed them all to let me know

when they used the last of any item by
writing it down on a note pad on the
refrigerator.
 ***

As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF

WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT
DOWN."

***

When I checked the pad a few days later,

to my delight I found the following
message:

***

"MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-

FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT
'OUT OF IT."'
Fathers then & now
Today is one of the first Father's Days of
our new millennium. Fathers of 1900
didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of
today; but they did have a few
advantages:

***

In 1900, fathers prayed their children

would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will
speak English.

***
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his
horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.

***

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his

family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and
4-car garage. And that's just the
vacation home.

***

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to

tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock,
know how to breathe, and make sure
film is in the video camera.

***

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to

their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's
clothes if they were sliding naked
down an icicle.

***

In 1900, fathers could count on children

to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon
come home from college long enough to
teach them how to work the computer
and set the VCR.

***

In 1900, fathers pined for old country

Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country
Hank Williams.

***

In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

If he tries that today, he gets sent outside
after a lecture on lip cancer.

***
In 1900, fathers shook their children
gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's
time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers
violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake
up, it's time for hockey practice."

***

In 1900, a father came home from work

to find his wife and children at the
supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note:
"Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at
gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in
fridge."
 ***

In 1900, fathers and sons would have

heart-to-heart conversations while
fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones
off their sons' ears and shout,
"WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."

***

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for

Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R'
Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted
Sega!"
 ***

In 1900, if a father had breakfast in

bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham
and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry
toast and a lecture on cholesterol.

***

In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a

hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.

***
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home
is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the
money pit."

***

In 1900, "a good day at the market"

meant Father brought home feed for the
horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means
Dad got in early on an IPO.

***

In 1900, a happy meal was when

Father shared funny stories around
the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys
at McDonald's.

***

In 1900, a father was involved if he

spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he
coaches Little League and organizes Boy
Scouts and car pools.

***

In 1900, when fathers entered the

room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad,
you're invading my space."

***

In 1900, fathers threatened their

daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl
came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying,
"So...how long have you had that
earring?"

***

In 1900, fathers pined for the old

school, which meant a one-room, red-
brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school,
which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.

***

In 1900, fathers were never truly

appreciated.
In 2001, fathers are never truly
appreciated.
Mom would never say
Things Mom Would Never Say:

"How on earth can you see the TV

sitting so far back?"

***

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

***

"Just leave all the lights on ... it

makes the house look more cheery"

***
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good
for another week"

***

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog,

honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk
him every day"

***

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK,

that's good enough for me."

***
"The curfew is just a general time to
shoot for. It's not like I'm running a
prison around here."

***

"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use

your sleeve"

***

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the

wind-chill is bound to improve".
My wife is pregnant
A man speaks frantically into the phone,
"My wife is pregnant, and her
contractions are only two minutes
apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor

queries.
***
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is
her *husband*!"
***
Should I have a baby after 35?
No, 35 children are quite enough.
***
What does a pregnant woman say
after she apologizes for her random
emotional outbursts?
Up yours and I hate you.
***
What’s makes watching a Quentin
Tarantino movie look like a Disney
flick?
Seeing that video in childbirth class one
more time.
***
What hurts even more then childbirth?
Having to sing “Wheels on the Bus”
400,000 times a day.
***
How is being pregnant is like being a
child again?
There’s always someone telling you
what to do.
 ***
What is the most common pregnancy
craving?
For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
***
What would be different if men got
pregnant?
Maternity leave would last for two years
with full pay and morning sickness
would rank as the nation’s #1 health
problem.
***
The more pregnant I get, the more
often strangers smile at me. Why?
Because you’’re fatter than they are.
***
What’s the difference between a nine-
month pregnant woman and a model?
Nothing, if the pregnant woman’’s
husband knows what’s good for him.
***
What’s better than eating for two
while pregnant?
Shopping for two.
***
What’s the oddest stage of
pregnancy?
When people aren’t sure whether to
congratulate you or buy you a gym
membership.
***
How long is the average woman in
labor?
Whatever she says, divided by two.
 ***
A husband asks: Is there any reason I
have to be in the delivery room while
my wife is in labor?
Not unless the word “alimony”” means
anything to you.
***
How many days are there in a month?
Each month has an average of 30-31
days, except the last month of pregnancy,
which has 1453.
***
How is a pregnant woman like a
toddler?
She outgrows her clothes every freakin’
week.
 ***

How does being pregnant make you

feel?
Like a superhero, a really tired, weak
superhero who wants to eat all the time
and isn’t allowed to lift heavy objects.

***

My childbirth instructor says it’s not

pain I’ll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
Yes, in the same way that a tornado
might be called an air current.

***
What’s the difference between a
pregnant woman and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

***

What are the terrible twos?

Your breasts after your baby stops
nursing cold turkey.

***

I’m 7 months pregnant and all day

long I hear a constant barrage of “You
are SO BIG!” from people. What
should I say?
“Thanks! So are you!”

***

And, what do I say when people

remark: “You know you’re not
supposed to drink soda, right?”
“Really? What am I supposed to mix my
Jack Daniels with then?”

***

And when they ask: “How much

weight have you gained?”
“Enough to make your life pretty
miserable when I sit on you.”
 ***

My wife’s pregnant and my doctor

asked me if I had ever been present at
a childbirth before.
I replied, “Yes, just once.” The doctor
asked, “What was it like?” I said, “It
was dark, then suddenly very light.”

***

What do you do when your daughter’s

pregnant and says she hasn’t slept
with a man?
Start a religion.
Have a first child
A man and his wife were making their
first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant
with their first child.

After everything checked out, the doctor

took a small stamp and stamped the
wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the

stamp was for, so when they got home,
the husband got out his magnifying glass
to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said,

"When you can read this, come back and
see me."
Pass out in shock
The man passed out in a dead faint as he
came out of his front door onto the
porch.

Someone dialed 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they

helped him regain consciousness and
asked if he knew what caused him to
faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint,"

he said. "My son asked me for the keys
to the garage, and instead of driving the
car out, he came out with the lawn
mower."
The pre-birth class
When our second child was on the way,
my wife and I attended a pre-birth class
aimed at couples who had already had at
least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of

breaking the news to the older child. It
went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older

child, 'We love you so much we decided
to bring another child into this family.'
But think about that. Ladies, what if your
husband came home one day and said,
'Honey, I love you so much I decided to
bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up

immediately. "Does she cook???"
Expert on parenting
The following is a true story written by
an educational psychologist and her
experience on a plane.

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing

my notes for one of the parent-education
seminars I conduct as an educational
psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me

explained that she was returning to
Miami after having spent two weeks
visiting her six children, 18
grandchildren and ten great-
grandchildren in Boston.
Then she inquired what I did for a
living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question

me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a

magazine and said, "If there's anything
you want to know, just ask me."
Travel on the plane
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next
to a man on an airplane had told him
about her grandchildren. She had even
produced a plastic-foldout photo album
of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had

dominated the entire conversation on her
grandchildren.

"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so

sorry. I know you certainly have
something to say. Please, tell me... what
do you think of my grandchildren?"
Household physics
Laws of Household Physics

Ever notice that the laws of household

physics are every bit as real as every
other law in the universe? Here are a
few examples:

A child's eagerness to assist in any

project varies in inverse proportion to
the ability to actually do the work
involved.

***

Leftovers always expand to fill all

available containers plus one.

***

A newly washed window gathers dirt

at double the speed of an unwashed
window.

***

The availability of a ballpoint pen is

inversely proportional to how badly it is
needed.

***

The same clutter that will fill a one-

car garage will fill a two-car garage.

***

Three children plus two cookies equals

a fight.

***

The potential for disaster is in direct

proportion to the number of TV
remote controls divided by the number
of viewers.

***

The number of doors left open varies

inversely with the outdoor temperature.

***

The capacity of any hot water heater

is equal to one and one-half sibling
showers.

***

What goes up must come down, except

for bubble gum, kites and slightly used
Rice Krispies.

***

Place two children in a room full of

toys and they will both want to play
with the same toy.
New family driver
Martin had just received his brand new
drivers license. The family troops out to
the driveway, and climbs in the car,
where he is going to take them for a ride
for the first time. Dad immediately heads
for the back seat, directly behind the
newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change

of scenery after all those months of
sitting in the front passenger seat
teaching me how to drive," says the
beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna

sit here and kick the back of your seat as
you drive, just like you've been doing to
me all these years."
Knock Knock jokes
for kids (and adults)
Knock-knock! Who’s there? Knock
knock jokes, that’s who! There is nothing
more exciting that this kind of humor.
It’s necessary to mention that Knock-
knock jokes are very popular among
children. Everyone, who grew up with
hundreds of this jokes gets used to the
certain pattern of their construction.
Usually, the answer to the question
“Who’s there?’ is some kind of
wordplay or pun in the last line. The
listener does not imply that the phrase
will actually terminate, if “interrupting
cow” standing behind the door.
That is why in this joke there is no
traditional last line, and the cow is
really interrupting, as it was stated.
In this chapter we collected a lot of
Knock-knock jokes. If you are
wondering how to have some fun with
your kids, then our book is gonna help
you to solve this problem.
Enjoy these jokes with all your family
and pass the time with positive
emotions!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Opportunity!
That is impossible. Opportunity
doesn’t come knocking twice!

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
Extraterrestrial who?
What – how many extra-terrestrials do
you know?

***
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow wh-
Moooooo!

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The door.

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Double.
Double who?
W!

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
Iva craving for cookie. Get baking!
 ***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Yoda lady.
Yoda lady who?
Good job yodeling!

***

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To hunt somebody down.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.

***
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Yah!
Yah who?
Well, no thanks, I’m more of a Google
person.

***

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you.

***
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The interrupting doctor.
The interr…
You've got cancer.

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mark.
Mark who?
Oh come on, I'm Mark, your… (Mark
breaks up crying over the extent of his
dad’s Alzheimer.)

***
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t open the door.

***

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No you idiot, cows go mooo!

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Grandpa.
Oh my gosh! Somebody open the coffin
quick!!!

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Smell mop.
Smell mop who?
Um, no thanks.

***

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting raven.
Interrupt...
CAAWW!!!

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Not Pavlov. He’d have rung the bell.

***

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Kanga
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo!

***
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Knock.
Knock who?
Knock Knock.

***

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Aaahh.
Aaahh who?
A big bad wolf, apparently.

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Daisy.
Daisy who?
Daisy me comin’, dey runnin’.

***

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Hawaii.
Hawaii who?
I'm very well, thank you so much, and
Hawaii you?

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Winnie the Pooh.
Winnie the Pooh who?
No seriously, Winnie the Pooh right now,
let us in or it lands on your doormat!

***

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Somebody who thinks you should fix
your darn doorbell!
 ***

Knock knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
No, it should always be “to whom”.

***

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm
knocking?
 ***

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Yes! I've always known you were a bit
nutty!

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Major.
Major who?
Major day with this joke, haven’t I?

***
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mavis.
Mavis who?
Mavis be a warning to you, watch out
of silly jokes!

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Freeze.
Freeze who?
Freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly
good fellow…

***
Knock knock!
Who's there?
I got up.
I got up who?
Best go to the toilet then.

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or
something?

***
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Armageddon.
Armageddon who?
Armageddon a little bored. Let’s go
out.

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Accordion.
Accordion who?
Accordion to the scientists, it is healthy
to offer your friends money.

***
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Ira.
Ira who?
Ira gret I don’t know better jokes.

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Ira.
Ira who?
Ira gret I don’t know better jokes.

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Surgeon.
Surgeon who?
Surgeon thou shalt find.

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Barbie.
Barbie who?
Let’s Barbie Q!

***

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Moustache!
Moustache who?
I thought I moustache you a question,
but I can shave it for tomorrow.

***

Pistachio.
Pistachio who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Pistachio.
Pistachio who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
AND ORANGE YOU HAPPY I
DIDN’T SAY PISTACHIO!
 ***

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The judge's hammer. You are hereby
sentenced to five years of forced
labour.

***

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin the neighbourhood, mind if I come
in for a chat?

***
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Control freak.
Co…
You should say “Control freak who”
now.

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Value.
Value who?
Value be mine to cherish and to hold?

***
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Lena.
Lena who?
Lena bit closer and I will show you.

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita little love and understanding.

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Maia.
Maia who?
Maiabilities are too great for such
stupid jokes.

***

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Any.
Any who?
Anybody there?

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Ho-ho.
Ho-ho who?
Um, no, you still need to practice a bit
more if you want to be Santa at the mall
this year.

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow point pretending you don’t know
me.

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place to eat tonight? My
treat!

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen all this knocking bother you
already?

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
OMG. You said you will never forget.

***

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben hoping I can come in.
Doctor
One of the last, but definitely not the
least chapter is about hospital, patients
and doctors. This topic is probably the
most popular among all the jokes
authors.
Hospital this is a place where hundreds
of different people meet everyday. They
come to the doctors with their
complaints, which are frequently so
funny, absurd and ridiculous.
So, in this chapter we gonna talk a little
about that. And have a lot of fun,
certainly!
Q: How does a crazy person travel
through the woods?
A: They take the psychopath.

***

A lawyer is standing in a long line at

the box office. Suddenly, he feels a
pair of hands kneading his shoulders,
back, and neck. The lawyer turns
around.
"What the hell do you think you're
doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just
keeping in practice while I'm waiting
in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see
me screwing the guy in front of me, do
you?"

***

A woman and her husband go to the

doctor because the woman is
complaining of shortness of breath. After
fifteen minutes, the woman comes out
into the waiting room and says,
"Apparently, my problem is that I have a
nice cooter."
"Excuse me?" says the husband.
"That's what the doctor said. My
problem is that I have a nice cooter."
The husband is a bit angry and goes in to
talk to the doctor.
"What's this about my wife having a nice
cooter? I need a damn good
explanation."
"That's not what I said," replies the
doctor. "I said she has acute angina."

***

You ever accidentally go up to a real

big fat person, and you accidentally
ask them for a good place to eat? And
they look at you and say they don't
know. And you're looking at them,
like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you
for an hour, we gonna be eatin'. '

***
I was lying in bed last night, I got
scared: 'What if I died right now from
very immensely, incredibly delayed crib
death?'

***

I like psycho chicks.... Yeah, you hook

up with a psycho, you're gonna learn
something. First thing you learn is how
to sleep with one eye open.

***

People worry about health at the wrong

times, you ever notice that? 'Ooh, there's
a hair in my food.' You're eating bacon --
there's a pig's ass in your food.
 ***

I have one of these bodies that cracks

all the time. I move my neck, it cracks
-- or my elbow, my back. I don't care,
really. I make money on the side as an
exotic dancer for the blind.

***

I really don't like living there; I have to

for health reasons. I'm very paranoid,
and New York's the only place where my
fears are justified.

***
Running is never fun. Running is
something you do when there's a man
chasing you with a knife.

***

Q: Why are there hardly any dental

professionals in Arkansas?
A: Because it takes 35 patients to make a
full set of teeth.

***

I only made it 11 days. I had to quit. I

was backed up like the mall parking
lot at Christmas time.

***
A lawyer was just waking up from
anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
was sitting by his side. His eyes
fluttered open and he said, "You're
beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so
she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes
fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because
instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She
asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was "The drugs are wearing
off!"

***
Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry
around a red pen?
A: To draw blood.

***

My wife dresses up like a nurse; then, I

dress up like a nurse, also. And then, we
don't even have sex, either -- we just sit
behind this huge, semicircular wooden
desk and get annoyed when people buzz
us for juice.

***

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc,

my arm hurts bad. Can you check it
out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve
and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could
you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm
desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the
problem. Your arm is broke!"

***

Q: Why did the cat go to the hospital?

A: To have a CAT scan done.

***

Q: How do you know that carrots are

good for your eyesight?
A: Have you ever seen a rabbit with
glasses?

***

This suntan lotion is confusing me. When

I left about 10 years ago to move to New
York, the highest suntan lotion number
was 15. I get back -- you know what it is
now? -- 45. A flannel shirt is about 30.
Who's this for -- vampires? If you need
45, give up. You've been beaten
genetically. You don't need lotion; you
need a sleeping bag and a dark
basement. Have a check-up, maybe
you're a mole. You don't have skin; you
have film.

***
As a couple gets into bed, the husband
starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry,
honey. I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow, and I want to
stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over. A few
minutes later, he rolls back over and
taps his wife. He asks, "Do you have a
dentist appointment, too?"

***

I'm not sure if I want someone shooting

lasers in my eyes at this point, but as
soon as I can get the surgery where
lasers shoot out of my eyes, I'm first in
line that day.

***

I tried hypnotism, went to the guy,

guaranteed. Snaps his fingers -- 'You'll
never smoke again.' Got home,
doorbell rings -- started acting like a
chicken, so I think he messed up.

***

She was like, 'Danny, I don't like that

name! We don't have that stuff in this
house. Nobody in this family uses that
stuff. Your brothers don't use it, your
father -- why do you want to use it?' I
was like, 'What are you talking about,
Ma? As a matter of fact, Uncle Louis
always uses it.' She was like, 'Yeah,
alright, Uncle Louis, maybe -- but
nobody talks about it.'

***

A man went to see his doctor.

"You need to stop masturbating," the
doctor told him.
The man asked, "Why?"
The doctor replied, "Because I'm
trying to examine you!"

***

Q: How many nurses does it take to

change a light bulb?
A: Twelve. One to do it, one to chart it
and ten to write the policy and
procedure.
Q: How many doctors does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One primary care physican to
change it and 19 specialists to take it
apart and look at it under a microscope.

***
I hope you know CPR because you're
taking my breath away.

***
Two men are sharing a hospital room.
"What are you in for?" the first man asks.
"I'm getting a circumcision," his
roommate replies.
"Damn," exclaims the first man. "I had
that done when I was born, and I couldn't
walk for a year."

***

I don't know about you guys, but I

could use a month off. Wouldn't that
be sweet? You don't have to get up, go
to the bathroom, answer the phone,
pay a bill. You wake up a month later:
your skin's nice and soft; you're well
rested; you lost some weight. I think
the coma's underrated.

***

Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor's

office?
A: It was feeling crummy.

***

Q: How do crabs leave the hospital?

A: On crutches.

***

Q: What do you call a nurse with dirty

knees?
A: The head nurse.

***

A girl goes into the doctor's office for

a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a red “H” on her
chest. “How did you get that mark on
your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my
boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so
proud of it that he never takes off his
Harvard sweatshirt, even when we
make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl
comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y”
on her chest. “How did you get that
mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.
“Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and
he's so proud of it that he never takes
off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we
make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl
comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a green “M”
on her chest. “Do you have a
boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the
doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at
Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

***

All my life, my mom has been tired.

How come mothers are so tired? She's
bone tired. She's dog tired. She's overly
tired. I keep telling her, 'Mom, you need
some crack.'

***

I try to recycle, I try to save water,

but sometimes I go, 'The hell with it.
We're losing. I'm giving up.' I want to
have sex with a women without a
condom -- a Twinkie in my mouth,
suntan lotion all over me -- that far
away from Three Mile Island, going,
'Come and get me.'

***

You know how badly evolution is going

now? Me. We've got me: I'm allergic to
bread. Do you know how weak you have
to be genetically for bread to be too
much for you?

***
I think God made a mistake, though.
He should have left us all with soft
spots. Then we'd all be a little more
vulnerable and maybe nicer to each
other. You wouldn't be so quick to
infringe in someone's freedom if they
could just boink ya and kill ya.

***

After an elderly couple starts getting

forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their
doctor tells them that many people find it
useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says,
"Dear, will you please go to the kitchen
and get me a dish of ice cream? And
maybe write that down so you won't
forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can
remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well, I'd also like some strawberries
and whipped cream on it," the wife
replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the
husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice
cream with strawberries and whipped
cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife
hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the
kitchen and presents his wife with a
plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey,
where's the toast I asked for?"
 ***

While eating at their favorite diner,

two Texans hear an awful choking
sound. They turn around to see a lady
turning blue.
The first Texan rises, hitches up his
jeans and walks over to the lady. He
asks, "Can you breathe?" She shakes
her head no. "Can you speak?" he
asks. She again shakes her head no.
With that, he helps her to her feet,
lifts up her skirt and starts to lick her
butt. Shocked, the woman coughs up
the obstruction and begins to breathe.
The first Texan turns back to his
friend and says, "Amazing how that
there Hind Lick Maneuver works
every time!"

***

I took my uncle to his first Alcoholics

Anonymous meeting. You ever been to
an AA meeting? I went, but we ended up
at an AAA meeting by mistake. The thing
is, we didn't know it. Everybody's sitting
there filling out forms and reading maps.
We're looking at it going, 'How is this
going to help?' But my uncle's a trooper.
He stood up and said, 'My name is Frank
and I'm an alcoholic.' They all looked
and said, 'Well, you shouldn't be
driving.'

***
Bob walks into a public bathroom and
notices a guy with no arms standing
next to a urinal. As Bob takes care of
his business, he wonders how the poor
soul is going to take a leak. Bob
finishes and heads for the door, but
figures he should ask the man if he
needs help.
''Oh yes please!?" the man cries.
"You have a kind heart, sir,'' says the
man with no arms.
But as Bob goes ahead, unzips the
man, and pulls his willy out, he
encounters all kinds of mold, red
bumps, moles, scabs, scars, and other
unpleasant-looking things. The
armless man asks Bob to kindly point
it... then shake it, put it back and zip
it. So Bob, gathers his courage, shuts
his eyes and does so.
''Thank you very much, sir!'' says the
armless man.
''No problem,'' says Bob ''but what
the hell is wrong with your penis?''
The guy pulls pulls his arms out of his
shirt and says ''I don't know, but I
ain't touching it!"

***

A few days before his proctological

exam, a one eyed man accidentally
swallowed his glass eye. He was
worried for a while, but there were no
ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the
man followed instructions, undressed,
and bent over. The first thing the
proctologist saw when he looked up the
man's arse was that eye staring right
back at him. "You know, " said the
doctor, "you really have to learn to trust
me."

***

Q: How do crabs leave the hospital?

A: On crutches.

***

Jeffrey Dahmer was declared legally

sane. I guess he's just got an eating
disorder. He doesn't need prison time;
he just needs Jenny Craig.

***

A man went to see his doctor.

"You need to stop masturbating," the
doctor told him.
The man asked, "Why?"
The doctor replied, "Because I'm trying
to examine you!"

***

A woman walks into her doctor's

office and says, "Doctor, I need to lose
weight fast." The doctor replies,
"Instead of putting food in your
mouth, try putting it up your butt."
Two months later, she comes in and
says, "Doctor, it's a dream come true.
I'm half the size I was." But the
doctor notices that she is bouncing up
and down. He asks, "Where did you
get this twitch?" The woman replies,
"I don't have a nervous twitch; I'm
chewing bubble gum."

***

A guy goes to the eye doctor. In the

middle of the exam, the doctor tells him,
"You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going
blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're
upsetting my nurse and me."

***

How do you make stew out of a leper?

Put him in a Jacuzzi and turn it on full.
Cool and Funny
Sayings
In this chapter you will find a variety of
fun and interesting statements. You can
use it in your everyday life and thereby
share the positive mood with other
people.
Especially for you we have compiled the
funniest statements from the Internet. So,
don’t hesitate to start reading! It will be
cool, we promise.
Amusing sayings, humorous quotes,
funny proverbs, phrases, slogans, smart
remarks for any occasion, witty
wisdoms for fun and reflection.

***

My neighbors are listening to great

music. Whether they like it or not.

***

It is important to make breaks between

individual exercises. I personally stick
to breaks of about 3-4 years.
 ***

I have no friends. Even the toilet

cover attacks me from the back.

***

Sometimes I drink water - just to

surprise my liver.

***

Hearing voices in your head is normal.

Listening to them is quite common.
Arguing with them – acceptable. It is
only when you lose that argument that
you get in real trouble.
 ***

Of course I have a talent. I'm really good

in bed. Sometimes I sleep more than 9
hours in one go.

***

"If I wanted to commit suicide, I

would climb up to the height of your
ego and jump down to your IQ level."

***

According to my mirror I am pregnant.

The father is Nutella.
 ***

... and out of the chaos, a sentence

came to me:
"Laugh and be happy, it could be
worse!"
... and so I laughed and was happy and
it really became worse.

***

Sometimes it’s time to lay on the couch

and do nothing at all for two years.

***

Organized people are simply too lazy

to search for stuff.
 ***

My relationship is like an iPad. I don't

have an iPad.

***

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am

perfect.

***

If I can still lie on the ground without

having to hold myself, I'm not drunk.

***
Do people talk about you behind your
back? Simply fart.

***

As long as cocoa beans grow on trees,

chocolate is fruit to me.

***

There are people who are a living

proof that total brain failure does not
always lead to physical death.

***

Finally, the spring is here! I'm so thrilled

I wet my plants.
 ***

If you’re having a bad day, remember

some adults wear braces.

***

I’m aware that the voices in my head

aren’t real. But their ideas are just
awesome sometimes!

***

Somebody said today that I'm lazy. I

nearly answered him.

***
I’m not lazy. I’m just naturally a very
relaxed person.

***

What can you say when it's already

late and you really want to go home?
Can you hear that? That's my pillow
calling and it becomes really mean
when I let it wait too long.

***

Laziness Rule No.1: If an object falls

under the bed, it is lost forever.

***
My mood is currently swinging
between an axe and gasoline.

***

A housewife's battle:
The household stares at me. I stare right
back. Without breaking eye contact, I
slide a piece of chocolate in my mouth. I
won!

***

He who wakes up early, yawns all day

long.

***
You can only be young once. But you can
enjoy being infantile forever.

***

Married women face a significantly

lower risk of kidnapping, nobody can
be certain that the ransom would
actually be paid.

***

No thanks, I didn't fight my way to the

top of the food pyramid to become a
vegetarian.

***
I am in touch with my motivation. I
saw it going by this morning, waving at
me and winking.

***

I weighed myself today. It is clear I am

too small for my weight.

***

Warning! User Error. Kindly replace

user and press a key to continue.

***

You look just like I feel...

 ***

If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it.

There is no need to nag him every 6
months about it.

***

If a bra is called ‘over the shoulder

bolder holder’, men’s underwear should
definitely be known as ‘under the butt
nut hut’.

***

Fart when people hug you. You’ll make

them feel strong.
 ***

I didn’t fall down. I did attack the floor

though.

***

How stupid are you?

a) very
b) A
c) B

***

Funny that you can't spell "slaughter"

without "laughter".
 ***

We got divorced on the grounds of

religious differences. My husband
thought he was God.

***

Money alone won’t make you happy.

You’ve got to own it.

***

A sound defense:
Crazy? Me? Nah - It was the voices
that told me to do it.

***
I used to think that you were a pain in the
neck. My opinion of you has dropped
significantly lower since then.

***

Dogs have beloved masters. Cats have

waiting staff.

***

Somebody exhorting you to rise and

shine?
The early bird can kiss my butt.

***
It is a truth universally acknowledged
that your urge to pee intensifies as
you are unlocking the door.

***

Sorry, I can’t hang out. My auntie’s

cousin’s brother in law’s best friend’s
accountant’s roommate’s pet goldfish
died. Some other time maybe.

***

I had loads to do today. Ah well, so

now I have loads to do tomorrow.

***
All my life I thought air was for free.
That was until I bought a bag of crisps.

***

Of course you're not fat. Just grab a

couple of chairs and come sit with us.

***

I am awake. That is about all I am able

to comment on regarding my current
status.

***

Yes, I do bad things, but I do them

well.
 ***

I never thought I had such an exciting

life, before I heard what people talk
about me.

***

Everyone who knows me can be

divided into two groups: those who
like me and those who still don’t know
me.

***

I’m not sarcastic only when I sleep.

 ***

When you stop worrying about what

people will say, then you start being
yourself.

***

You are not supposed to like me,

because I’m not a Facebook status.

***

The reason why people don’t want to

hear the truth about them is because
they are afraid that their illusions
about themselves might be destroyed.
 ***

I love myself more than I love you.

***

I’m not getting married or pregnant,

I’m simply getting more awesome.

***

I wish that running and I could be friends

forever.

***

I think my fridge will have revenge on

me by coming to my room, opening my
door, staring at me for 3 minutes and
then leaving again.

***

I came to be on the same side with my

inner demons when I stopped fighting
them.

***

If you are going to buy something

new- just buy a new personality.

***

You know that you’re doing something

wrong when no one hates you.
 ***

I’ll better fake a smile than explain

what I really feel.

***

An ego is never an amigo.

***

In 2012 I was rude, bad tempered and

obnoxious. In 2013 I plan to be the
same.

***
I please only one person a day and today
is not your day. Just as tomorrow won’t
be your day either.

***

If you think I have changed, it means

you never knew me at all.

***

The only thing that I do best during class

is count how much time has left until the
end.

***

Dear God, I have a huge problem. And

it’s me.

***

My mom has the most awesome daughter

in the world!

***

I feel sorry for people who don‘t know

me.

***

That may help you too: when I’m sad I

start to sing. Then I realize that my voice
is worse than my problems.
 ***

My character is very normal, it’s you

nerves that are weak…

***

Oh shit, I forgot to go to the gym

today…. And that is already 8 years in a
row this happens to me.

***

Everyone has weaknesses, but I’m not

everyone.

***
I won’t change – I was ‘being grown’
and not ‘being adjusted to the opinion of
the others”.

***

Only batteries have pluses and

minuses. And I’m ideal.

***

Sometimes I think about all of the people

in the world and wonder, why they are
so stupid and why I’m not super rich
then.
Conclusion
You may have noticed that our book
contains a variety of funny and
interesting stories, jokes, statements and
even riddles.
We believe that it brings you a lot of
positive emotions and memorable funny
moments.
Return for your favorite jokes from time
to time to recharge yourself with a
cheerful mood. And feel free to share it
with your friends!
In our turn, we will continue to do our
best to please you with new editions of
super funny jokes books.
 Your Free Gift
I wanted to show my appreciation that
you support my work so I’ve put together
a free gift for you.
MAD MEMES: Free
Bonus
Download Now
Just visit the link above to download it
now.

I know you will love this gift.

Thanks!

Harris Billigon
Copyright 2016 by Harris Billigon- All
rights reserved.
All rights Reserved. No part of this
publication or the information in it may
be quoted from or reproduced in any
form by means such as printing,
scanning, photocopying or otherwise
without prior written permission of the
copyright holder.
Disclaimer and Terms of Use: Effort has
been made to ensure that the information
in this book is accurate and complete,
however, the author and the publisher do
not warrant the accuracy of the
information, text and graphics contained
 within the book due to the rapidly
changing nature of science, research,
known and unknown facts and internet.
The Author and the publisher do not hold
any responsibility for errors, omissions
or contrary interpretation of the subject
matter herein. This book is presented
solely for motivational and
informational purposes only.