INDEX

TAKE IT REALLY SERIOUSLY 7

INTRODUCTION 7
PROLOGUE 10
STARTER 12
1. JEWISH 13
2. MARRIAGE 73
3. CHILDREN 131
4. POLITICS 175
5. SEX 207
6. RELIGION 266
7. ANIMALS 350
8. DOCTORS 377
9. LAWYERS 407
10. SALESMEN 415
11. MAXIMS 423
12. NATIONS 447
13. POLISH 469
14. BLACK 510
15. IRISH 525
16. ENGLISH 568
17. SCOTS 584
18. CANNIBALS 594
19. COPS 602
20. FARMERS 608
21. FRENCH 621
22. ITALIAN 627
23. GREEK 641
24. RUSSIAN 649
25. CHINESE 654
26. SHOWBIZ 660
27. WILD WEST 667
28. NUTS & OTHER FRUIT-CAKES 676
29. SHRINKS 695
30. THE WORLD OF OSHO 708
EPILOGUE: THE GORILLA STORY 736
OSHO 741
 Dedicated to
Swami Sardar Gurudayal Singh.
The man with the loudest laugh!

“The only man in history who laughs

before the joke is told. What a trust!
You should learn trust from Sardar
Gurudayal Singh."

OSHO

 TAKE IT REALLY SERIOUSLY
INTRODUCTION
Osho is a man ahead of his time —a buddha for the twenty-first century and
beyond. He is also the first man to declare sense of humor to be one of the
highest qualities of religiousness, and laughter an essential ingredient for
spiritual growth. The jokes in this book were all told by Osho during His
spontaneous daily discourses given at the Osho Commune International in
Pune, India. Talks which cover every aspect of man's spiritual quest for truth.
But they are more than just talks - they are "Live Zen.”

Entering the pages of this book, and being for just a few moments in the world
of Osho’s commune, feels like a magical time spent in fairy-land. All twinkling
green lights, bamboos and waterfalls; silence, swans, gorillas and songs; laughter,
lions, tigers and tears.... A never-ending festival of wonder and joy, a celebration
which goes on and on and on; every moment more magical than the last. It is in
this miraculous climate that the jokes in this
book come into being, live their moments of joy, and then dissolve in the
laughter of the ten thousand buddhas. But Osho's jokes are not just to keep us
amused, they have a purpose.

“The purpose of the joke is not the joke," He says. "The purpose is the laughter that follows,
because in that laughter your thinking stops. In that laughter, you are no more mind. And after
the laughter, just a very small gap...and I can reach to the deepest core of your being.”

Where do all Osho's jokes come from? From a team of full-time gag writers:
Chetan, Satyadharma and myself, perhaps the most serious-looking guys
around! Combing through the hundreds of joke books in Osho's library, looking
for something that can be re-worked into a new joke for the current discourse
series - because Osho is always against the past! You can see us huddled around
our small computer trying out the latest jokes on each other, or perhaps
standing just outside the gate of Osho’s house, listening attentively to the jokes
pouring in with the endless flood of visitors from all over the world. And boy! -
keeping up with Osho is never an easy task.

“Soon I will have to drop jokes," He says on one occasion, “because I must have told more
jokes than anybody else in the whole history of man. In fact, I have told more jokes than there
are! So sooner or later we will have to change the technique, from jokes to spontaneous laughter.
Why waste time with a joke when we can laugh without it? It is just for Sardar Gurudayal
Singh that I am postponing, day by day, because he is old and any time he may pop off. At
least in his lifetime, I think to continue the jokes. Anyway when he is not here it will be so
embarrassing to tell jokes in his absence.”

Osho left His body on the 19th of January 1990, but His dream of a New Man
is still being realized today at His commune in Pune. Here is the only place on
the planet where celebration and a sense of humor are regarded as the highest
expression of man's spirit; where differences of religion, color, and nationality
don't exist; where laughter and meditation dissolve all boundaries imposed on us
by society, boundaries which separate us as human beings and keep us from
reaching our ultimate potential.

“The world is so serious that it needs to be awakened by laughter. To me, laughter is the most
serious thing in the world: if the whole world can learn how to laugh, there will not be any
war and there will not be any poverty and there will not be Hindus and Mohammedans and
Christians, because these are such jokes! There will not be any nations, because it is so stupid:
when you can have the whole world as yours, why unnecessarily go on drawing lines on the
map? The earth is one, man is one; his life, his death, his experience is one — why cut up into
pieces this beautiful planet?”

So enjoy the jokes, but take them seriously too - because they are about you and
me.

Swami Anand Vimal

Osho Commune, Pune, India.

“The sense of humor should be directed

towards oneself - it is a very great thing
to laugh at oneself and he who can laugh
at himself gradually becomes full of
concern and compassion for others.
In the entire world no event, no subject,
invites laughter like oneself.”
OSHO

 PROLOGUE

BELOVED OSHO, ARE ALL JOKES IRRATIONAL?

Devageet, it is not that all jokes are irrational. You cannot even find one joke that is irrational.
But the joke has its own Psychology and rationality. The psychology of the joke bas to be
understood and then the rationality of it will be clear. Man is so repressed that he cannot even
speak certain words; he is utterly inhibited. The joke starts with ordinary words, but takes a
sudden turn and catches you unawares. And that sudden turn you could not have expected;
that's why all your repressed mind, your inhibitions suddenly explode.

Nobody has used jokes for cleaning your mind. It is a catharsis. The moment you see the point,
suddenly you say, "My God, I was going towards a certain rational conclusion…." The joke
turns at a point where you would not have expected it. That sudden turn makes you forget all
your rationality, all your logic, all your language. In a split
moment you are suddenly like a child.

You must have noted, the jokes are only concerned with the repressed parts of your being. It is a
revenge —revenge by the powerless against the powerful. They kill you, they destroy you, but
you can do it better without weapons, just by a single joke! Jokes have a beauty of their own,
because they bring laughter to you. And to me laughter is the moment when the mind stops, time
stops and you are suddenly overwhelmed by a new energy, a new delight.These are simple
glimpses to prepare you for the ultimate laughter.

It is said about Bodhidhamma that the first thing he did after his enlightenment was, he
laughed loudly. Again and again it was asked of him why he laughed; there was no visible
reason for it.
He said, "I laughed because I was searching for myself, and I was going round and round
everywhere except within myself. Existence has played a great joke on me.” Certainly jokes are
not irrational. I have never come across any joke —and perhaps I have come across many more
jokes than any living or dead man — that is irrational. There is a certain strange turning at
the end, but it is not irrational. It is how human beings function, how their minds function.

Every joke has a great reason. It is connected with your unconscious and the society's torture of
humanity. It brings it out in the open —in no other way can it be released — and you can be
unburdened. This unburdening, this relief is the very reason of every joke.
 STARTER
BELOVED OSHO,

YES, OSHO, YES.THERE IS NO MORE BOTTLE, NO MORE YOU, NO

MORE I, ONLY THIS DRUNKEN JOY THAT MAKES MY TOES CURL
IN ECSTASY. BUT, OSHO...WHAT WAS THE JOKE?

Yoga Lalita, the ultimate joke, the only joke…

The official Riko, once asked Nansen to explain to him the old problem of the
goose in the bottle.

"If a man puts a gosling into a bottle," said Riko, "and feeds him until he is full-
grown, how can the man get the goose out without killing it or breaking the
bottle?”

Nansen gave a great clap with his hands and shouted, "Riko!"

“Yes Master,” said the official with a start.

“See,” said Nansen, "the goose is out.”

This is the only ultimate joke in existence. You are enlightened. You are Buddhas — pretending
not to be, pretending to be somebody else. And my whole work here is to expose you.

 1. JEWISH

I have told you many times that Jews have suffered the most in the whole history of man and
because of this suffering they are the people who have the best jokes in the world Just something
to laugh at; otherwise their life is just tears. To avoid the tears,
something is needed that can make you laugh.

I have worked hard to find one, but in India we don't have a single original joke. Ten thousand
years, and we don 't have a single joke which we can say is our own. All jokes are imported and
most of them are from the Jewish tradition.

Jews have beautiful jokes. And the reason is not that they are very happy — just the opposite.
The reason is that they have lived in such tragic times. Since the times of Moses - almost four
thousand years — they have suffered and suffered. And there seems to be no end to their
suffering — they are still suffering in Israel.

But you will be surprised: in this whole long history of suffering, they have somehow managed
themselves, they have not gone mad. Their jokes have saved them; but their jokes have not solved
their problems.

But before I tell the jokes, I have to tell you that if you tell a joke to an Englishman, he laughs
twice. Once, not to look stupid; and again in the middle of the night when he gets it. If you tell
the same joke to a German, he simply wonders why people are laughing. My oldest sannyasin,
Haridas, is here. He is from Germany. He has been with me almost for fifteen years, but even
today he asks people, “Why were you laughing?" The German mind has a speciality, it is a
very serious mind. Laughing is a non-serious affair.

If you tell the same joke to a Jew, he will interrupt you in the middle. He will say, “Shut up.
This is an old joke and moreover you are telling it all wrong." It is very difficult to make a Jew
laugh at a joke because almost all the jokes are Jewish. That is their monopoly. And the reason
is that they have suffered most in the world. Just to keep going, they have to find something to
laugh at; otherwise life was nothing but suffering.

A rabbi finds himself sharing a railway compartment with a Roman Catholic

priest. After some time, the priest leans forward and says, "Excuse me, rabbi,
but is it true that men of your faith may not eat pork?”

“Yes, Father, you are right," replies the rabbi.

"And tell me, between priests, confidentially, you ever tasted it?" asks the priest.
“Well, as a matter of fact, a long time ago, I DID taste some bacon," confesses
the rabbi.

"And did you like it?" asks the priest.

"Yes, I must admit, I did," says the rabbi.

A little while later, the rabbi leans forward and says, "Excuse me, Father, but is it
true that priests are not to have any sexual relationship with a woman?”

"Yes, rabbi," the priest replies, "you are quite right. It is forbidden to us.”
"And tell me, between priests, you ever indulged?" asks the rabbi.
"Well, as it happens," says the priest, "no, I have not.”
"Hmm, pity," says the rabbi, "it is better than pork.”

Moses arrives at the Red Sea with the Israelites. The pharaoh and his army are
in hot pursuit. Moses calls his public relations office, "Abe, where are the boats?
You schmuck! Where are the boats?" he screams. Abe says, "Boats? Who said
anything about boats?”

“I need boats to cross the water, you idiot!” screams Moses. “What do you
expect me to do part the water and walk through it?”

“Hey, Moses baby, now you are talking!” says Abe.” If you do that, I will get you
two whole pages in THE HOLY BIBLE.”
A long, long history of troubles, tragedies, torture that seems to be unending,
has created a tremendous amount of jokes, but those jokes are just to hide the
tears.

One afternoon in the Solly Saperstein Salesroom of Salami Sandwiches, the

phone rings.

“This is Solly,” says Solly as he picks up the phone.

“Hello,” says the voice on the other end. “Is that you, Solly?”
“Yes,” says Solly, "this is Solly.”
“It does not sound like Solly," says the other voice.
“Well,” replies Solly, - “this is me, alright - Solly Saperstein here!”
“Are you SURE you are Solly?” says the voice.
“Sure I am sure!” replies Solly, looking in the mirror “It is ME - this is SOLLY!”
“Hm,” says the voice, “I want to speak to Solly — Solly Saperstein, please.”
“Hey!” cries Solly. “It is ME, you idiot! This IS Solly!”
“Really?” asks the voice. “Is this REALLY Solly?”
“YES! CHRIST!” cries solly. “THIS IS SOLLY!”
“Well, listen Solly,” says the other voice, “this is Moishe. Lend me one hundred
dollars, will you?”

“Okay,” says Solly, “I will tell Solly when he comes in!”

Moses is standing facing the Red Sea. Behind him in the distance, clouds of
dust rise from Pharaoh's army, hot in pursuit. Suddenly with a mighty roar, the
waters part, opening an escape. Moses looks ahead at the wet roadway and the
cliffs of water on either side. He lifts his face to the sky.

“Tell me something, God,” he murmurs, “how come I always have to go first?”

Little Feenie Finkelstein is standing in Chicken Chopper's Sandwich Shop.

“How much for a roast beef sandwich?” he asks.
“TWO dollars,” replies Chicken Chopper, from behind the counter.
“How much for a cheese sandwich?” asks the little Jew.
“One dollar,” replies Chicken.
“What about a HAM sandwich?” asks Feenie. But before Chicken Chopper can
reply there is a loud clap of thunder in the sky overhead.
Feenie Finkelstein falls to his knees, looks up at the sky and prays out loud,
“Okay! Okay! I was only asking!”
Dimmel Himmel, a nice Jewish boy from Berlin, goes to live in America to
make his fortune, and ends up in L.A., California.

After a few years, he comes back to Berlin to visit his old mother, Mrs. Hattie
Himmel.

He walks through the door in his stone-washed Levi's jeans, alligator tennis
shirt, and Reebok sneakers.

“Oy, veh!” cries Mamma Himmel, “but where are your beautiful long
whiskers?”

“Ah, Mamma!” replies Dimmel. “Nobody wears a beard in L.A.”

“Oy, my baby!” cries Hettie Himmel. “But tell me, you have at least been
keeping the Sabbath?” “Look, Mamma,” says Himmel. “Business is business! In
America, people work on the Sabbath.”

“Ah, God!” cries Mamma Himmel. “But kosher food you still eat?”

“Listen, Mamma,” replies Himmel, “I am an American now. It is very difficult

to keep kosher in America.”

The old lady looks at her son in shock. She hesitates for a moment and then
goes up to him and whispers, “Dimmel, my son, tell me one thing — are you
still circumcised?”

One day, young Herschel tells Hymie, “Dad, I have these urges all the time.”
Hymie tells him to go and visit the rabbi.

“Rabbi,” says Herschel, “even in the middle of the night I get an erection.”

“Pray harder,” advises the rabbi. Herschel goes home and a few days later
approaches Hymie.
“Dad,” he says, “I still keep getting these urges.”
“Go and see the rabbi again,” Hymie advises. The rabbi is out, so the rabbi's
wife asks Herschel about his problem.
“I get these terrible strong urges,” explains Herschel.

“Oh, that's simple,” replies the rabbi's wife. She takes him into the bedroom and
makes love to him.
When Herschel gets home, Hymie asks, “What happened?”

“It was wonderful,” Herschel replies. “The rabbi’s wife has more sense between
her legs than the rabbi has in his head.”

The bells of the Vatican in Rome ring out a slow and dull message: “Pope the
Polack is dying.”

In Saint Peter's Square, the faithful Catholics gather to pray for their Polack
pontiff, and Cardinal Catzass starts to perform a special ceremony.

“Listen,” says Catzass to the crowd, “I want some of you sheep to donate a part
of your life to God’s faithful Polack — I mean, pope. Pray before God that he
will take a piece of your life and give it to our own Pope the Polack.”

Mrs. Chlorex steps forward, raises her arms and cries out, “I will give a week of
my life for our Polack pope!” There are muffled cheers in the congregation.

Then Father Fumble steps forward. “I offer two days of my life for Pope the
Polack!" he cries.The crowd sighs its approval.

Just then, Moishe Finkelstein and a bunch of Jewish tourists enter and
immediately Moishe starts waving his arms around and shouts, “I offer twenty
years of my…!”

“WHAT?” interrupts his friend, Hymie. “Are you crazy? So much? - and you
are a Jew!”

Moishe looks at Hymie and continues, “...of my mother-in-law’s life.”

Bernie Bernstein returns to his business in New York after a holiday in Miami
where he enjoyed the company of a gorgeous blonde called Suzy.

Bernie has been back in his office for a few days, when Fagin Finkelstein, the
lawyer, pays him a visit.

"I am here," begins Fagin, "on behalf of my client, Suzy Lamour." He then
opens his briefcase and pulls out a stack of glossy photographs of Bernie and
Suzy in all the various positions of their lovemaking.
“Well, Mr. Bernstein," smiles young Fagin, "what do you think of that?”

Bernie looks from one photograph to the next in horror and then in
amazement. Eventually he reaches a decision.

“Okay," he says, pointing at two of the photos, "I'll take two of this and two of
this.”

Mendel Kravitz meets a gorgeous young woman at a cocktail party and soon
they strike up a friendly conversation about human nature.

"Would you sleep with a complete stranger for a million dollars?" asks Mendel.
“Yes,” the girl declares, "I think I would.”
"I see," says Mendel.."Would you sleep with me for twenty-five dollars?”
"My God," cries the girl, "what do you think I am?”

"We have already established that," replies Mendel. "Now we are just haggling
over the price.”

Bernie Bernstein is in the urinal standing next to a very large black man.
Looking over, Bernie is astonished and very jealous to notice the huge size of his
neighbor's equipment.

"Excuse me, mister," he says, "but could you tell me how you managed to get
such a magnificent member?”

"Simple, man," says the black guy. "When I was a boy, my mamma tied a brick
to it and for a whole month I walked around like that.”

Bernie runs home and tells Sara, his wife.

“Sara," he shouts, "cancel all visits and engagements. I'm not even going to
work. I’m going to get myself a wonderful big prick!" So Bernie ties a brick to
his prick and does not go out of the house for a month.

Eventually, Sara says," So, let us take a look and see how it is growing.”

So Bernie opens his pants, takes a good look and says, "Well, we are halfway
there, it has turned black already!”
Rabbi Nussbaum comes to visit Mendel Kravitz. "Mendel," says the Rabbi, "it
may be none of my business, but after all, we have been friends for a long time,
and I am concerned about your reputation. You see, people in the
neighborhood are beginning to talk about you. "It just does not look right when
a girl comes to visit you every night at such an hour.”

"Oh," says Mendel, "don't you worry about that. It is a purely platonic
relationship.”
"Really?" asks Rabbi Nussbaum. "How can it be platonic?”
"Well," replies Mendel, "it is play for her and a tonic for me!”

Old Man Finkelstein is brought to court for alleged rape. He pleads guilty by
reason of insanity. "Insanity?" asks the judge, "You look perfectly sane to me.”
"Oh, I am," says the old man. "It is sex I'm crazy about.”

Old man Finkelstein, aged eighty-five, goes to a sperm bank to make a deposit.
The young woman at the reception is skeptical. "Are you sure that you want to
do this?" she asks. "Yes," says old Finkelstein. "I feel it is my duty to give
something from myself to the world.”

The woman gives him a jar and directs him to a room down the hall. When
thirty minutes have passed and he does not return, the girl begins to worry that
he might have had a heart attack. But just then the old man comes out of the
room and approaches the woman.

"Listen," he says, "I tried it with one hand, then I tried it with two hands, then I
got it up and beat it on the sink, then I ran warm water on it, then cold water
over it... And I still can't get the lid off the jar!”

Mendel Kravitz breezes into Goldberg and Finkelstein's tailors' shop. "Good
morning!" he says. "I came to this store because I don't like to bargain.”

"Well, you have come to the right place," says Hymie Goldberg. "Right," agrees
Moishe, "We are strictly a one-price outfit.”

"Excellent," says Mendel, "I like that checked suit in the window. How much
will it cost?”
“Like we said," says Moishe the Fink, "we don't fool around with bargaining. So
we are not going to ask you three hundred dollars for this suit, or even two fifty.”

“Right," agrees Hymie," we'll give you our best price: two hundred and thirty
dollars.”

“Well”, says Mendel, "you guys are my kind of businessmen, and that's exactly
why I am here. I won't fool about and offer you one-fifty for that suit, or even
one-seventy-five. I will come right out and offer you two hundred dollars.”

"The suit is yours," says Hymie, "for two hundred ten.”

"Okay," says Mendel, "I will take it.”

Moishe and Ruthie Finkelstein are at the theater watching a very sad play. It is a
melodrama about a couple in love and one tragic scene follows another. Before
the first act is finished every woman in the theater is weeping. But Moishe is
unmoved. “Ridiculous!" he snorts every few minutes, "absolutely ridiculous!" -
until there comes a scene in which the heroine lies dying in her lover’s arms, and
Ruthie starts crying out loud.

Moishe starts laughing. "Look!" shouts Ruthie, furiously, through her tears, "if
you don't like the play, why don’t you go home and at least let me enjoy
myself ?”

Harvey Herschfield and Paul Perlman have a small tailor's shop in Jerusalem.
Business is bad, so bad that they are thinking of selling the shop.

One day, Harvey rushes in with a newspaper and shows his partner, Paul, an
advertisement from the government of Israel. The government is offering to pay
a reward of one hundred dollars for every dead Arab. The partners close their
shop and buy camping equipment and guns and set off into the desert.

They have been there a week without meeting anyone, when one morning
Harvey wakes up to find a gun sticking in his nose. Looking slowly around, he
sees that they are completely surrounded by thousands of Arab soldiers, armed
to the teeth. Harvey nudges his partner, snoring beside him. "Paul," he whispers,
"Paul, wake up! We are rich!”
Hymie Goldberg and Moishe Finkelstein are changing their clothes in the
locker room after a game of golf Moishe starts putting on a pair of women's
knickers; Hymie is astonished.

"When did you start wearing women's underwear?" he asks.

“Well," says Moishe shaking his head, "ever since Ruthie, my wife, found a pair
on the front seat of my car.”

After making their fortune hunting Arabs, Paul and Herbie, the Jerusalem
tailors, decide to go on a big game safari in Africa. They set up camp one night
and over dinner Paul boasts that he will be the first one to shoot a lion. Herbie
disagrees. They argue for an hour and finally Paul bets Herbie one hundred
dollars that he will be the first.

"I will do it right now," says Paul. He gets up from the campfire and stalks off
into the jungle with his elephant gun. An hour later, Herbie is lying in his camp
bed when a lion pokes its head inside the tent.

"Do you know a guy called Paul?" asks the lion. "Yes," gasps Herbie. "Well,"
says the lion, "he owes you a hundred dollars.”

Old man Finkelstein, the ancient millionaire, marries a sixteen-year-old girl but
is unable to perform sexually. He is so desperate that he goes to see his doctor,
who gives him a massive injection of hormones.

"Now look," says the doctor, "every time you want an erection, you have to say
‘Beep.’ And then to make it lie down, you have to say ‘Beep-beep’.”

"How marvelous!" says Fink.

"Yes, but I must warn you," continues the doctor, "it is only going to work three
times before you die.”

On his way home, old Fink decides to try it out just once. "Beep," he says, and
immediately he gets an erection. Thrilled, he says, “Beep-beep" and it lies down
again. At that moment, a little Toyota overtakes his limousine and goes, "Beep"
and the car in the opp site lane goes, “Beep-beep.” Aware that he has only one
time left, the old man tells his chauffeur to go faster. He runs into the house as
fast as he can and shouts, "Honey, don't ask any questions. Just take off your
clothes and jump into bed!” The girl does as she is told and old man Finkelstein
hurries after her. Just as he climbs into bed, he says, “Beep." His young wife rolls
over and says, "What is all this Beep-beep?”

Hymie Goldberg meets Moishe Finkelstein on the street one day and says,
“Finkelstein, have I got a bargain for you! An elephant! A whole living elephant,
for just one hundred dollars.”

Finkelstein says, “Are you crazy? What do I want with an elephant?”

"It is a beautiful elephant," continues Hymie, "all grey, ten foot tall, and
complete with a trunk.”
"But I have nothing to feed it on," cries Finkelstein. "I live in a three-room
apartment, I have no place to put it in.”
But Hymie goes on: “TWO beautiful tusks, maybe two feet long. It is a
magnificent beast. They don't make them like that anymore.”
“Hymie," says Finkelstein, almost screaming, "I have a three-room walk-up
apartment on the fifth floor. Where will I keep an elephant?”
"You are a hard man, Finkelstein," says Hymie. "I will tell you what. I will throw
in a second whole elephant for only fifty dollars extra.”
Finkelstein smiles and says, "Now you are talking!”

Ruthie Finkelstein is not getting along with her husband, Moishe, and they have
not had sex for a long time…

(A SUDDEN AND SOLITARY OUTBURST OF HEARTY LAUGHTER

FROM SARDARJI FILLS THE HALL WITH LAUGHTER AT HIS
LAUGH.)

You should learn from Sardar Gurudayal Singh; he is going to be an

enlightened man soon!

...One day, while she is shopping in the supermarket, Ruthie begins to feel very
horny. When she has paid, a good-looking high school boy offers to carry her
groceries to her car. Ruthie gladly accepts, and as they are walking across the
parking lot, she sidles up to him and whispers sexily in his ear, "I have an itchy
pussy!”

“Well, Ma’am," replies the boy, "you will have to point it out. All those Japanese
cars look alike to me!”
(NOW THE LAUGHTER RIPPLES OUT IN WAVES, AS THE
INTERNATIONAL AUDIENCE TAKES ITS OWN TIME PUTTING THE
PIECES OF THE PUNCH LINE TOGETHER)

This was the place where Gurudayal Singh was needed, but he never gets into
the right jokes in a right place at the right time. But Gurudayal is a very simple
man. He always gets into wrong jokes — and I have been teaching him almost
for fifteen years or more, but he will never enter into the right joke. Now he is
silent, now he is relaxing. Now he will not laugh. He misses every right time!

Ruthie Finkelstein finally persuades her husband, Moishe, to go for a checkup.

"You look terrible," says Doctor Bones. "Do you drink?”

"Why, yes," says Moishe, "I start every day with a bottle of cognac.”

"And with that cough," continues Bones, "you are probably a smoker”

"You bet," says Moishe, "three packs a day for me.”

"Look Mr. Finkelstein," says Bones, "you are not a healthy man.You are going to
have to give up smoking and drinking right away, and that is an order. And
before you go, that will be thirty dollars for my advice.”

"Thanks, doc," snaps Moishe, "but who is taking it?”

Joseph Mandelbaum and Benjamin Rosenblatt, partners in the garment

industry, are having their worst season ever. Ten thousand Madras sports coats
are hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy is imminent. Out of the blue,
in walks Swampy Marsh, a buyer from Australia, looking for Madras sports
jackets.

“Would you guys have any for sale?” asks Swampy, "I have been looking for
them everywhere.” After a brief pause to catch his breath, Joseph admits that
there might be a few left. Soon a deal is concluded for ten thousand jackets, to
be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.

"There is one thing;" says Swampy, "for this large order I need to get
confirmation from my home office. There should be no problem, so unless I
send you a cable by the end of the week, the deal is on.”
The week creeps by, with the partners anxiously waiting to see if the Australian
will change his mind.

At ten minutes to five on Friday, Benjamin is closing up the shop when there is a
knock at the door and a voice shouts, “Telegram!" The partners freeze.
Trembling, Joseph grabs the cable and opens it. Suddenly his face lights up.
"Bennie!" he cries. "Great news! Your wife just died!”

Moishe Finkelstein is walking down the street one night in New York. Suddenly
a man jumps out from the side alley and puts a gun to Moishe's head. "Give me
your money," he threatens, "or I'll blow out your brains!”

"Blow away," says Moishe. "In America you can live without brains, but you
can't live without money.”

Herbie's father sends him to New York to learn the undertaking business from
the legendary Moishe Finkelstein. Some months later, Herbie returns and his
father asks him what he has learned.

“I have learned a lot, dad," says Herbie. "It has been very interesting, as we had
one wild experience that taught me a lesson.”

“What was that, son?" asks his dad. “Well”, says Herbie, "one day, we got a
phone call from the best hotel in New York. A man and a woman had died in
their sleep, completely naked.”

“My God!” says his father, "what did Mr Finkelstein do?”

“Well”, says Herbie, "we got dressed in our best suits and drove over in the
limousine. We arrived at the room very quietly and with great dignity.”

“Wow!" exclaims his father, "and then what?”

“Well", continues Herbie, “Mr. Finkelstein pushed open the door with his gold-
tipped cane, and we went quietly inside. Sure enough, there was this naked
couple lying on their backs. And immediately Mr. Finkelstein saw a problem:
the man had a large erection.”

"What did you do?" asks his father.

“Well”, says Herbie, "as always, Mr. Finkelstein was ready for the situation. He
swung his gold-tipped cane and very stylishly, whacked the prick!”

“And then what happened?" asks his father.

“Well, dad," says Herbie, "then all hell broke loose! You see, we were in the
wrong room!”

Bronstein gets a job in the sports section of a large department store. On his
first day there, the store manager overhears him with a customer.

“Look," says Bronstein, "these fish hooks are fifty cents each. But I can sell you
three for a dollar.”

"I will take them!" exclaims the customer.

“Now, you have fish hooks but you need a fishing line. This excellent nylon line
normally costs two dollars for a hundred yards but I can give you two hundred
yards for three dollars," says Bronstein.

"I will buy it!" exclaims the customer.

"Now you have fish hooks and a line, but you need a rod. Here is a rod —
normally costing one hundred dollars, but I can sell it to you for only seventy-
five dollars," says Bronstein.

"I will take it!" exclaims the customer.

"Now you have fish hooks, a line and a rod but you need a fishing boat. Here is
a boat normally costing eight thousand dollars but it is yours for five thousand
dollars.”

"I will buy it!" exclaims the customer

"Now you have fish hooks, a line, a rod, and a boat but you need a trailer to
carry the boat on. Normally, this one costs two thousand dollars but it is yours
for eighteen-hundred dollars.”

"I will take it!" exclaims the customer.

"Now," says Bronstein, "you have fish hooks, a line, a rod, a boat and a trailer.
All you need now is a car to pull your boat and trailer Here is a car especially
made for fishermen, designed to pull a boat and trailer — normally costing ten
thousand dollars, but you can have it for eight thousand dollars.”

"I will buy it!" exclaims the customer.

After the customer has left with all his purchases, the manager goes up to
Bronstein.

"Bronstein," he says. "I've been running this store for thirty years and never have
I seen anyone making such an incredible sale. Starting with fifty-cent fish hooks
and working up to a ten-thousand-dollar car!”

"What do you mean I started with fish hooks?" demands Bronstein. "The man
came in asking where he could buy tampons for his wife's period, and I told him
that what he needs right now is a weeks' fishing holiday!”

Father Finger meets his arch-enemy, Rabbi Horowitz, on the street.

"Last night," says Father Finger, "I dreamt that I was in Jewish heaven. Man,
Jewish heaven was a mess! Everybody was yelling and screaming, and eating,
and waving their arms in the air; people were fighting about money - all kinds
of chaos, and the noise was deafening.”

"Well," replies Rabbi Horowitz, "that's strange. Last night I had a dream that I
went to Christian heaven, but it was very different. Beautiful flowers
everywhere, beautiful architecture, wide open streets, such peace and quiet all
around.”

"And the people?" asks Father Finger proudly.

"People?" answers the rabbi. "What people?”

A group of Jewish women decide to improve their intellectual level. No more

talk of husbands or children or sons-in-law, but only politics and social
questions... Iran, El Salvador, Afghanistan, the bomb.
Then one says, "And what about Red China?”
“I love it, I love it!” cries Becky, especially on a nice white tablecloth!”
The prime minister of Israel calls a special cabinet meeting in secret session.
The prime minister reports that the prolonged Middle East conflict is
weakening the country; inflation is rampant; the people are discouraged and
the future is very gloomy. He asks for proposals.

One cabinet member suggests that Israel declare war on the United States.
"Then," he says",a ftert he defeat, they will do with us what they have done with
Germany and Japan. We will become a great, prosperous nation!” The prime
minister remains somber and says, "Yes, but suppose WE win?”

Hymie and Becky Goldberg go on a skiing holiday to Switzerland. On the first

day Hymie tells his wife he is going off skiing all day in the high mountains.

"Don't worry Becky,” he says," I will be back by five or six at the latest.” Becky
waits nervously all day, and when Hymie does not return by seven, she begs for
a search party to be sent out. Eventually a Red Cross rescue team with a frill
complement of guides, Saint Bernard, dogs and army mountaineers set off.
They climb to the high slopes, calling as they go, “Mr. Goldberg, Mr. Goldberg!
It is the Red Cross, where are you?" No reply.

Up they go to the high valleys, "Mr. Goldberg, it is the Red Cross!" No answer
still. Eventually almost at the glacier, t hey call out once more, “Mr. Goldberg, it
is the Red Cross!”

And the faint answer came back, "I have given already!”

Freddy Feinstein, a Jew from New York, is tired of all the high, fixed prices of
clothes in America. A friend tells him that in India, bargaining is a way of life,
so Freddy jumps on the next plane. Two days later, he finds himself walking
down M.G. Road in the pouring rain. His New York sneakers are soaking wet,
so Freddy runs into a shoe shop to buy a new pair of shoes. He is eager to try
out his bargaining skills, so when Rajiv, the salesman, asks a hundred rupees for
some shoes, Freddy immediately says, “Fifty!"

“That's impossible," replies Rajiv.

“Fifty or nothing!" says Freddy, firmly.

So Rajiv consults the manager, who consults the owner, and then comes back
and says, "Okay, fifty.”
"No!" shouts Freddy. "Twenty rupees!”

Again, Rajiv consults the manager who asks the owner.

”Okay, twenty," says Rajiv, when he returns a few minutes later.

"No! Five!" shouts Freddy.

“Listen”, snaps Rajiv, getting irritated, "just take the shoes and get out!”

"No!" shouts Freddy

“No?" asks Rajiv, in surprise, "you don't want the shoes?”

"No!" says Freddy "I want two pairs!”

Moishe Finklestein goes into the Ritzy Glitz Restaurant and treats himself to a
huge meal with lots of champagne, finishing up with a Havana cigar. Finally the
waiter brings the bill on a silver tray. It comes to ninety-nine dollars and ninety-
nine cents, so Moishe pays him with a hundred-dollar bill.

About five minutes later, he calls the waiter back and asks for his change.
Without altering his expression, the waiter leaves and returns a moment later
with the silver tray. On it is a penny and a packet of condoms.

Moishe is shocked, and demands an explanation. The waiter lifts his nose in the
air, and says, “Sir, it is the policy of our restaurant to encourage customers like
you not to reproduce.

Old man Finkelstein, the shopkeeper, is waiting at the entrance to the Pearly
Gates while Saint Peter speaks to Leroy, a big black guy, who has also just died.

"You can have anything you want," says Saint Peter. "I'd like a million dollars,"
says Leroy.

"Done!" says Peter, and Leroy walks away with a suitcase stuffed with dollar
bills. Then St Peter turns to Finkelstein and says, "You'll be granted any wish
you make. What would you like?”
"Well," says the Fink, "I'd like twenty dollars worth of fake jewellery, and about
ten minutes with that black guy!”

Old Rubenstein is passing the local pet shop one day, when he sees a sign
advertising a parrot that can speak many languages. Since he considers himself
an expert on languages, Rubenstein goes inside and starts to question the parrot.

"Parlez-vous français?" asks Rubenstein.

“Parlez-vous français?” replies the parrot.
“Habla espanol?" asks the old Jew.
"Habla espanol?" comes the reply.
"Speak English?" asks Rubenstein.
“Speak English?"replies the bird.

Old Rubenstein goes closer to the parrot, and asks confidentially, "Tell me, my
friend, if you are so smart, do you speak Yiddish?”

The parrot fixes Rubenstein with its beady eyes. "Tell me, my friend," says the
bird, “you think I should not speak Yiddish with a nose like this?”

Old Grandpa Goldberg walks into the Saint John's Cathedral, looks around
anxiously, and then sits down in the dark confessional box.

“Father", says Goldberg to the priest. "I have been screwing a juicy blonde
nymphomaniac nineteen-year-old girl twice a day for the past three weeks.”

“Good Lord, Mt Goldberg!" says Father Fungus. "But aren't you Jewish? Why
are you telling me?”

“Why am I telling you?" replies Grandpa. "I'm telling everyone!”

Henry and Morris are partners in a tailors shop in New York. One summer,
Henry goes on his first hunting trip. When he gets back to the shop afterwards,
Morris cannot wait to hear all about it.

“Well”, begins Henry," I go into the woods with the guide, but you know me,
within five minutes I get lost. So I'm walking around in the woods, not knowing
where I am, when all of a sudden I come face to face with the biggest goddamn
bear you have ever seen. I turn around and run as fast as I can, but the bear is
running faster.

“Just when I feel his hot breath on my neck, he slips and Falls. I keep running,
but the bear is catching up again. He is almost on top of me when he slips and
falls again. Then I run into a clearing, with the bear close behind, and I see the
other hunters and shout for help. Just then the bear slips and falls again, and the
guide is able to shoot and kill him.”

“Vow!" says Morris. "That is quite a story. You are a very brave man. If that
had been me, I would have shit in my pants!”

“Use your brain, Morris," snaps Henry. "What do you think the bear was
slipping on?”

Solomon Einstein owns a nail-manufacturing company called "Einstein's Nails".

Business is very good so he decides to take a winter vacation in Miami. He
leaves his son, Matzo, to run the business while he is away.

One sunny morning, Solly is reading the Miami Tribune at breakfast when he
comes across a full-page color advertisement with a picture of Jesus nailed to the
cross. Under it is written, "They Used Einstein's Nails!”

Solly jumps on the telephone immediately and calls Matzo. "You idiot!" screams
Solomon. "Don't ever say such a thing again!" Matzo assures Solly that he
understands and not to worry, he will do better the next time.

Two days later, Solly is lounging on the balcony of his deluxe hotel room,
reading the newspaper. He turns the page, screams and swallows his cigar.
There in full color, Jesus is lying in a crumpled heap below the cross, and
underneath is written, "They Should Have Used Einstein's Nails!”

Old Mrs. Bathead and Mrs. Kooch meet on holiday and are sitting on the porch
of their Miami Beach hotel. "Oh my God!" exclaims Mrs. Bathead. "Look at
that boy. Did you ever see such a big twisted nose? And such a huge crooked
mouth? And look — he is cross-eyed too!”

"That," says Mrs. Kooch, "happens to be my son.”

"Well," says Mrs. Bathead, "on him, it looks very becoming.”

Old man Finklestein and Grandma Faginbaum are sitting together on the porch
of the old peoples' home.They are talking about the good old days, when Fink
asks Grandma, “Did you ever blush?”

"I sure did," replies Grandma. "I blushed four times in my life. The first time,
when I undressed in front of my husband.The second time, when I undressed in
front of my lover. The third time when I took money for it, and the fourth time
when I PAID money for it. How about you?”

The Fink is silent for a moment and then says, "I blushed twice. The first time
when I couldn't do it the second time. And the second time, when I couldn't do
it the FIRST time!”

A Protestant minister goes to a barber for a haircut.When the barber has

finished, the minister says, "How much do I owe you, my good man?” The
barber replies, "That's okay, Reverend. No charge for a man of the cloth." The
minister is very pleased and the next day a bunch of flowers from the minister
arrives for the barber's wife. Next week a Catholic priest goes in for a haircut .
When it is done he says, "How much do I owe you, my good man?”

“Nothing Father," replies the barber "No charge for a man of the cloth." The
next day a big box of chocolates for the barber's wife is delivered to the shop.

Two days later a Jewish rabbi has a haircut and when it is done he is told the
same thing. “That's very kind of you," says the rabbi, and he leaves the shop.
Half an hour later, eight rabbis come in for a haircut.

God is speaking to Moses on the mountain, and Moses is shaking his head in
disbelief. With his face upturned towards heaven, Moses says, "Now let me get
this straight, God. You are telling me that WE are the chosen people, and so you
want us to cut off the tips of our WHAT?”

Old man Finkelstein and his friend Grandpa Funkenburger are having a few
drinks with their dinner

“You know," says Fink, "when I was thirty, my erection was so strong, I could
not bend it at all, even with both my hands." Funk nods his head appreciatively.
"When I reached forty," continues Fink, "I could bend it just a little bit, but only
with a great deal of effort. At fifty, I could bend it a little more. And now that I
am sixty, I can easily bend it in half." The two friends keep sipping their drinks.

"It is just amazing, Funk," continues Fink, "I wonder how much stronger my
hands are going to get?”

Rubin and Klopman, two old friends, meet in the street one day. “How is
everything?" asks Rubin. "It could be worse," replies Klopman, "my house
burned down with everything in it.”

"Oh!" says Rubin, "that is terrible.”

“Well, not terrible," replies Klopman, "the insurance paid me double what it
was worth.”

“Why, that is wonderful," exclaims Rubin. “Not wonderful," replies Klopman,

"my wife died in the fire.”

“That is terrible," says Rubin. “Not terrible," replies Klopman, "you see, I
married again and the new wife is much better than my old one.”

"That's wonderful," says Rubin. "Not wonderful," replies Klopman, "because

my wife goes visiting with my neighbor who is quite a good-looking guy and she
spends the night there quite often.”

"That is terrible," says Rubin. "Not terrible," replies Klopman, "because my

neighbor has a really beautiful wife who comes to stay with me!”

"So things with you are wonderful," says Rubin. "Not wonderful, not terrible,"
replies Klopman, "it could be worse.”

Old man Finkelstein is lonely one evening, so he invites his pal, Rosenfeld, over
for a game of cards. They play for a while, and then Rosenfeld looks at his
watch.

"What time is it?" he asks. "My watch has stopped.”

"Who cares?" says Fink.
“Well, look at your watch," says Rosenfeld.
"I ain't got a watch," says Fink.
"Then look at the clock in the bedroom," says Rosenfeld.
"I ain't got any clock in the bedroom, says Finkelstein.
"Well, how about the clock in the kitchen?" asks Rosenfeld.
"I ain't got one there either," says Fink.
“Well, don't you ever wanna know what time it is?" asks Rosenfeld.
“When I wanna know," says Fink, "I just pick up my drum.”
"Drum?" asks Rosenfeld.
"I will show you," says Fink, and he takes his drum over to the window and
starts beating on it.
All around the houses outside, windows go up and people start yelling, "Are you
crazy? Beating a drum at a quarter to twelve?”

Yety and Bertha, two middle-aged women from New York, are having a
vacation at the Horowitz Hotel in Palm Springs. They are enjoying a late
breakfast together one morning, when Yety asks, "What are you doing tonight?”

"Oh!" says Bertha, "I have got a date with that Herman Hornstein.”

"What?" says Yety, slopping her coffee, "you are going out with him? He is a
sex-maniac! A complete animal! He will get you in his room, throw you on his
bed, tear off your dress, and then force you to make love. What are you going to
do?”

"Well," replies Bertha, "I guess I will wear an old dress.”

The Angel of Death finds Rufus Rothschild and delivers him to the pearly gates.
"Mr. Rothschild," says Saint Peter looking at his files, "have you done any good
in the world?”

“Well," replies Rothschild, "one time I gave a dollar to a poor man.”

"I see," says Saint Peter, writing something on his papers. "Anything else?”
“Yes," replies Rothschild thinking hard, "I once gave fifty cents to a blind man.”
"Were there any other acts in your life?" asks Saint Peter.
"No," says Rothschild, "that is it.”
“Okay," says Saint Peter turning to the angel. "Give this guy his dollar fifty back
and tell him to go to hell!”

Sam Shekel, the sharp, middle-aged company director, is a great believer in

efficiency. One day, he hangs up a sign in the main office, which reads: "DO IT
NOW!”
Within the next few hours, the cashier disappears with the contents of the
company safe; Sam's secretary elopes with his eldest son; most of the staff take
the day off; the office boy throws a bottle of red ink into the air-conditioner, and
then catches the next plane to Poona. He must be here somewhere!

Hymie Goldberg is on a business trip and finds himself having to use a pay-
toilet in a public building. He is making himself comfortable, when he notices
that the toilet paper has run out. Seeing a pair of shoes in the next booth, he
calls out, "Excuse me, friend, but do you have any toilet paper in there?”

"No," comes the reply, "I am afraid there is not any here either.” Hymie pauses
for a moment. "Listen," he says, "do you happen to have a newspaper or a
magazine with you?”

“Sorry," comes the reply, "I don’t." Hymie pauses again. "Well," he says, "how
about two fives for a ten?”

Becky Goldberg comes home from shopping and is horrified to find Hymie in
bed with a beautiful young girl. She is about to storm out of the house, when
Hymie stops her. "Before you leave," he says, "I want you to hear how all this
came about. I saw this young girl, looking tired and worn out, so I brought her
home and made her a sandwich.

"She was wearing worn-out sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you
never wear, because they went out of fashion. She was cold, so I gave her the
sweater I gave you for your birthday, that you never wear because the color does
not suit you. Her jeans were also worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours, that
were perfectly good until you gained a few pounds. "Then as she was about to
leave, she stopped and asked, ‘IS there anything else your wife doesn't use any
more?’”

Three old Jewish mothers meet at a party in New York. "There is nobody like
my son,” says the first. "Every winter he buys me a new fur coat.”

"That's nothing," gloats the second. "MY son takes me to the best travel agent in
the town every year and arranges the summer vacation of my choice.”
"That's all rubbish!" laughs the third. "My son goes to the most expensive
psychiatrist in the whole world and all he does is talk about me!”

Bernie Bernstein phones Goldberg and Finkelstein, the merchants. "Put me

through to Mr. Finkelstein, please," says Bernie.

"I am afraid Mr. Finkelstein has gone out, sir," replies the secretary.
"Then get me Mr. Goldberg," says Bernie.
"I am afraid Mr. Goldberg is tied up at present," says the girl.
"Okay," says Bernie, "I will call back." Ten minutes pass.
"Mr. Goldberg, please," says Bernie.
"Mr. Goldberg is still tied up," answers the girl.
"I will phone back," says Bernie. Half an hour later…
"Get me Mr. Goldberg," demands Bernie.
"I am terribly sorry, sir," says the girl, "but Mr. Goldberg is still tied up.”
"I will phone back," snaps Bernie. And another half hour passes.
"Get me Goldberg!" shouts Bernie.
"I have got dreadful news, sir," says the girl, "Mr. Goldberg is still tied up.”

"My god," screams Bernie. 'This is ridiculous! How can you run a business this
way? One partner is out all day and the other is tied up for hours on end. What
is going on there?”

"Well, you see, sir," explains the secretary, "whenever Mr. Finkelstein goes out,
he ties up Mr. Goldberg.”

Hymie Goldberg and his friend Moishe are having a drink in the clubhouse
between races. "A weird thing happened to me a few years ago," says Hymie. "It
was the seventh day of the seventh month, and my little Herschel was seven
years old that day. We lived in apartment number seven, and I got to the track at
seven minutes past seven.”

“You must have put a bundle on the seventh horse in the seventh race." says
Moishe. "I sure did," says Hymie. "And it won, of course," says Moishe. "No,"
sighs Hymie, "It came in seventh!”

Elijah Lobotowitz is reading his newspaper one evening when his fifteen-year-
old daughter, Sadie, comes in and says, “Dad, can I ask you something that will
affect my life from now on?”
"Of course, dear," replies Elijah, "what is it?”
“Well," says Sadie, "what is vice?”

Lobotowitz drops his newspaper and stammers, "Sit down, dear, and I will tell
you." Then he goes down through the Ten Commandments, paying particular
attention to the subject of adultery.

After two hours of graphic description, he sits back and says, "There, now do
you know about vice? But why did you ask?”

“Well," says Sadie," you know I have been playing for the basketball team? Well,
today I was promoted to vice-captain.”

Rabbi Nussbaum has been attending a rabbi's convention in Chicago. When it

is over, he checks out of his hotel and gets all the way to the station before
realizing that he has left his umbrella behind. When he gets back to the hotel,
he finds that his room has already been taken by a newlywed couple.

He is about to knock on the door, when he hears a man's voice say, "Whose little
lips are these?”

“Yours, dear, yours," says a female voice, coyly.

"And whose little tits are these?" says the man.
“Yours darling, yours," squeals the girl.
"And whose little hips are these?" he croons.
“Yours, darling, yours!" she gasps.

“Hey!" shouts Rabbi Nussbaum through the keyhole, "when you get to the
umbrella, remember, it's mine!”

Mendel Kravitz is standing at the urinal, when he notices a message on the wall
at eye level. "Look upward," reads the message and there is a big arrow pointing
up.

Mendel cannot resist and looks up. Several feet up the wall, there is another
message, which says, “Higher.” Mendel looks higher, and there near the ceiling
is another message, ”Still higher," it reads. Mendel is now looking directly
upwards, and on the ceiling in faint writing is another message, "Quick! Look
down, you are pissing on your shoes.”
Hymie Goldberg is complaining to his friend, Moishe. "My wife is always asking
for money, money, money," he moans. “I.ast she wanted two hundred dollars.
The day before yesterday she asked me for one hundred and fifty. And this
morning she wanted one hundred dollars.”

“That's crazy," Moishe. What does she do with all that money?”

"l don't know," says Hymie, I never give her any.”

Moishe Finkelstein meets his old friend Sam Feigenbaum on the street in
Moscow. "Did you hear," says Moishe, “that old Yossel Moscowvitch has died?”

"No," says Sam, "I did not even hear that he had been arrested.”

Hymie Goldberg is a string salesman from New York. His boss sends him to the
deep South in order to open some new accounts for the company, but Hymie
encounters discrimination everywhere he goes and is unable to do any business.
Finally, in Mississippi, a red-neck store owner says to Hymie, “Okay, Jew, I'll buy
as much string as reaches from the end of your Jewish nose to the tip of your
Jewish prick.”

A month later, the red-neck is surprised to receive four hundred cartons of

grade “A" string. Inside is a bill for twenty-five thousand dollars and a note.
"Thank you for your generous order,” it says." I hope we can do business again
soon.” Signed: Hymie Goldberg. Living in New York, circumcised in Warsaw.

Father Murphy, Reverend Philpot and Rabbi Nussbaum are playing cards
together and gambling in the back room of the pub. All of a sudden a
policeman comes in and they are arrested. In court the magistrate asks Father
Murphy, "You are accused of gambling. What do you have to say?”

The old priest looks up to heaven, winks and prays silently," Oh, God! Just one
little white lie! I'll never do it again. Okay? "He then announces to the
magistrate, "Not guilty.”

"Okay," says the magistrate, "you can go. And what about you, Reverend? What
do you have to say?” The clergyman looks piously to heaven and then bows his
head in prayer, "Oh, God! Just one little white lie! I will never do it again," and
then says out loud, "Not guilty.”
"Very well," says the magistrate, "you can go.”

Rabbi Nussbaum is next. "You are accused of gambling," says the magistrate.
"What do you have to say?”

“Gambling?" asks the rabbi. "With whom?”

Grandma Faginbaum calls her married daughter on the phone and asks her
how she feels. "I feel terrible," she groans, "I have a splitting headache, my back
and legs are throbbing with pain; the house is a mess and the kids are driving
me crazy.”

“Listen”, says Grandma, "don't worry. You go and lie down. I will be right over
and cook some lunch for you, clean the house and take the kids out while you fix
a nice dinner for Sigmund.”

“Sigmund?" says the woman, "who is Sigmund?”

"You know Siggi," replies Grandma, "your husband.”

"My husband is not called Sigmund," snaps the woman.
"Ah, my god," cries grandma, "I must have called the wrong number.”
“Ah, my god," cries the woman, "does this mean you are not coming?”

Mrs. Rappaport advertises a new Cadillac for three dollars. Goldstein answers
the ad and the first thing he asks is, "What is wrong with the car?”

“Nothing," she replies. "If you don't want it, please don't waste my time.”

Goldstein asks for the keys and goes to the garage. He backs the car out, parks
in front of the house, counts out three dollars, and hands them to the owner.

"Now you have your money," he says, "what is the catch?”

“My husband just died," she replies, "and in his will he instructed that the
Cadillac be sold and the money be given to his secretary.”

Ginsberg returns home from a trip abroad on business to find out that his wife
has been unfaithful. Very upset, he interrogates his wife.
"Was it that dungheap, Goldberg?”
“No.”
“Was it that pile of filth, Levensky?”
“No.”
"Was it that swine, Morrie Levy?”
“No.”

Finally Ginsberg explodes, "What's the matter with my friends? Not good
enough for you.

For sixty years Ruthy Finkelstein has lived with her tight-fisted husband, Moishe.
One fine day Moishe dies and Ruthy has him cremated. She takes the ashes
home with her in a plastic urn. She walks around her home carrying the urn
and talking to the dead Moishe.

"Moishe," she says, "look at the fridge! All those years you would not give me
money for housekeeping. Now look, it is full of champagne and caviar.

And Moishe, look at my closet. All the time we were married you never allowed
me more than one new dress every two years. Now look, it is full of silk dresses
and fur coats and the jewellery box is full of diamonds.

And Moishe, all those years you would not let me have anything to do with the
business. Well, today I took over as chairman.”

Finally, in the bedroom she opens the little plastic urn and shakes his ashes onto
the windowsill.

"And Moishe," she says, "you remember that blowjob you always nagged me
for? Well, here it is…pfft!”

Solomon Fiegenbaum comes home one evening and is startled to find a young
girl ransacking his apartment. Looking at her sternly, he says, "Young woman,
you are a thief ! I am going to call the police.”

"Please, sir," she pleads, "if I get in trouble again, I will be put away for years.
Please don’t call the police.”
"I'm very sorry, but I have to," replies Sollie. "Please, sir," she begs him tearfully,
"I will do anything for you. I will even give you my body.”

Sollie thinks for a moment. “Okay," he says, "take off your clothes and get into
my bed. The girl does so and Sollie quickly follows. He tries and tries for about
half an hour. Exhausted, he finally gives up. "It's no use," Sollie cries, "I just
can't make it. I will have to call the police.”

Old Man Finkelstein, aged eighty-five, and Grandpa Rabinowitz, aged eighty-
two, are sitting on a bench overlooking the beach in Florida. Grandpa
Rabinowitz is telling Old Man Finkelstein about the local girl he took out on a
date the night before. "What did you do?" asks the Fink. "We checked into a
motel," replies Rabinowitz, "got into bed, and then I sang: “Those Were the
Days’.”

“That sounds like quite an evening!" says old Fink. "Would you mind if I took
her out tonight?”

"Sure!" says Grandpa Rabinowitz, "go ahead!” The next day they meet again
on the bench. "How did it go last night?" asks Rabinowitz.

"Just great," replies the Fink.

"And what did you do?" asks Grandpa Rabinowitz.

“Well,” replies Old Man Finkelstein," we got to a motel room and got into bed.
Then I could not remember the song, so we screwed instead!”

The police are investigating the death of Markowitz, the dress manufacturer
who had jumped from the window of his office. The detective decides to
question Gloria, his gorgeous young secretary.

"Can you offer any explanation?" he asks Gloria.

“Well, after working for Mt Markowitz one month," she begins, "I got a forty-
dollar-a-week raise. At the end of the second month, he gave me a beautiful
black necklace. At the end of the third month, he gave me a new Thunderbird,
and a stunning Persian lamb coat. “Then he asked me if I would be willing to
make love, and how much I would charge him. I told him that he had been so
nice to me, I would charge him only ten dollars, even though I was getting
twenty from the other guys in the office. And that is when he jumped out of the
window.”

A group of Jewish mothers are drinking coffee together, and bragging about
their children. One has a four-year-old who can read already. Another has a
five-year-old who has already appeared on television. Then Becky Goldberg
speaks up and says, "That's nothing. You should see my little Hymie. He is only
five years old, but the other day he went to the psychiatrist all by himself !”

Abraham Grossman meets his old friend, Moishe Finkelstein, in the street one
day.

"Abe, old pal!" begins Moishe, "How are things going? I hear you married an
Italian girl, a Catholic! What is the matter - a Jewish girl won't do for you?”

“Well," says Abe, "it is like this. You marry a Jewish girl and the next thing you
know she has to get her teeth fixed, with dentist bills like you would not believe.
Then she has got women's trouble - more doctor's bills.Then there is the
psychiatrist - she needs to see him three times a week.”

"I understand," says Moishe. "But this can all happen to an Italian girl too.”

"I know," says Abe, "but with an Italian girl, who cares?”

Two Jews arrive at the pearly gates of heaven and ask Saint Peter if they can
come in. "Certainly not!" says Saint Peter, "We don't allow your sort in here. Get
lost!" He then goes to tell Jesus proudly what he has done. Jesus becomes
furious. "Peter!" he shouts, "You can't do that! Quick, go and get them back." So
Saint Peter runs off and comes back a few minutes later, huffing and puffing.

"They have gone!" he gasps. "Who?" asks Jesus. Jews?”

"No," cries Saint Peter, "the pearly gates.”

Old man Finkelstein is having lunch with his young grandson, Fagin Finkelstein,
the lawyer. Over brandy and cigars, the old man explains how he has succeeded
in business.
"When I arrived in this town, my boy," he begins, "I had nothing but the suit I
was wearing and a small brown parcel which represented my entire worldly
possessions. And now I own three factories, employ two thousand people, live in
a large mansion and drive a Rolls Royce.”

"Amazing," says Fagin. 'That is some achievement. But, tell me, what did you
have in your brown paper parcel?” Old man Fink puffs on his cigar and says,
"Two million in cash!”

Moishe Finkelstein finishes his meal, pays his bill and starts to get up from the
table. "By the way, sir," says the anxious-looking waiter, "do you believe that
history repeats itself ?”

"I certainly do," exclaims Moishe, "I know of a number of cases.”

"Well, sir," replies the waiter, rubbing his hands together, "one gentleman who
was in here yesterday left me a five dollar tip.”

"Amazing," says Moishe, reaching for his hat, "perhaps he will be here again
tomorrow.”

Hymie Goldberg has a row with his wife, Becky, and goes out drinking. Late that
night he stumbles into the local all-night deli and hunches over a bowl of noodle
soup. Hymie notices a Chinaman sitting at the next table, and still being in a
bad mood, he picks up his bowl of noodles and dumps it over the Chinaman's
head.

"That is for Pearl Harbor," says Hymie.

“But I am Chinese, not Japanese, “shouts the Chinaman.

“Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese,” says Hymie, “they’re all the same to me.”

As Hymie goes to pay his bill, the Chinaman suddenly hits him over the head
with a salami sausage. “That,” says the Chinaman, bowing, “is for sinking the
Titanic.”

“But,” shouts Hymie, “the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg.”

“So?” says the Chinaman. “Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg - they’re all the same
to me.”
A KGB agent comes across a Jew reading a Hebrew grammar book on a bench
in Gorky Park. “Hey Jew,” he says, “Why are you bothering to read that? You
know we will never let you go to Israel.”

“Well,” says the Jew, “I'm reading it in case they speak Hebrew in heaven.”
“And what if you go to hell?”
“Ah,” sighs the Jew, “Russian I already know.”

Rabinovich sits down in a cafe and orders a glass of tea and a copy of
PRAVDA.

“I’ll bring the tea," the waiter tells him, "but I can't bring you a copy of
PRAVDAT. The Soviet regime has been overthrown and PRAVDA isn't
published anymore.”

(PRAVDA is the mouthpiece of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union.)

'All right,' says Rabinovich, "Just bring me the tea.”

The next day Rabinovich comes to the same cafe and asks for tea and a copy of
PRAVDA. The waiter gives him the same answer. On the third day, Rabinovich
again orders tea and PRAVDA.

This time the waiter says to him, "Look, sir, you seem to be an intelligent man.
For the past three days you've ordered a copy of PRAVDA, and three times now
I've had to tell you that the Soviet regime has been overthrown, and PRAVDA
isn't published anymore.”

"I know, I know," says Rabinovich. "But I just like to hear it.”

I have heard that three rabbis were standing on the railway station. They were
going somewhere, obviously. And finally the youngest one said, "Now it seems
the train is going to come and I should get the tickets.”

So he went to the window and saw a beautiful woman working on her register.
The young rabbi said to the woman, "Lady, how much will it cost for
Tittsburgh?” He forgot that he is going to Pittsburgh.

The woman was very angry, and said, "You a religious man..." The rabbi felt
very ashamed. He came back and told the other rabbis, "you can Purchase the
ticket because I am feeling very nervous, and in my nervousness I have said
something wrong.

They said, "But tell us what you have said wrong? He said, "I cannot repeat it.
And don 't make me feel more guilty; I am feeling very bad.”

So the second rabbi, mom elderly than the first, said, “I'm going. What kind of
nervousness is this? Just purchasing the ticket..."And the moment he saw those
beautiful tits he forgot everything - his old age, his austerities, his rituals, his
prayers; all were forgotten. And of course, because be was older he committed
more mistakes because his unconscious and his repression were greater. He said,
"Just give me three tickets for Tittsburgh and the change you can give me in
dimes and nipples.”

The woman was outraged. She said, “You rascals! You are Pretending to be
rabbis? The first one came and note you have come, and you are worse than the
first.” And the second rabbi came back trembling. Then the oldest rabbi said,
"What is the matter with you idiots? Just purchasing a ticket...What happens on
the window?”

The second one said, “You go and see yourself. Something goes wrong. I was
not thinking that I can do such a stupid thing, but it simply came out." The old
rabbi said, “That window seems to be mysterious. But let me try.” And of
course he was a very strict disciplinarian, a perfectionist, and the oldest of all.
He kept himself very alert seeing that two persons have failed and something is
wrong there. He saw the tits and he understood immediately, Okay, so this is the
Problem: Pittsburgh must be becoming Titsburgh!

He took tbe right approach and said, “Lady, how much will it be for
Pittsburgh?”

The lady said, "You are really a religious person. Those two fellows are so
ungentlemanly. They should not be accepted as rabbis.”

The rabbi said, "You are right. I will put them right, but I am going to put you
right too! You are not dressed properly. And remember, when you die Saint
Finger on the gate of heaven will shake his peter at you!”

Hymie Goldberg from New York, in Miami on a business trip, is walking down
the street when he is stopped by Fagin Finkelstein. "Klopman!" cries Fagin.
"What has become of you? It's so long since I have seen you. Just look at
yourself.”

“But wait," replies Hymie, “I'm..."

"Never mind that," says Fagin. "I can't get over how much you have changed.
You used to be such a big man, built like an ox. And now you are smaller than I
am. Have you been sick?”

“But wait," replies Hymie, “I'm..."

“Never mind that," says Fagin. "And what has become of your hair? You used
to have a fine head of black hair, and now you are completely bald. What has
happened? You know I don't see how I ever recognized you. Klopman, what has
become of you?”

“I have been trying to tell you," Hymie replies. "I am not Klopman. I am
Hymie Goldberg”

“Oy,” cries Fagin, "You have gone and changed your name as well!”

Two Jews are sitting in a coffee house discussing the fate of their people. “How
miserable is our lot," says one. "Pogroms, plagues, quotas, discrimination, and
Adolf Hitler. Sometimes I think we'd be better off if we'd never been born.”

“Sure,” says his friend. "But who has that much luck - maybe one in fifty
thousand?”

Two old Jewish friends meet on a street in Moscow.

"How is life treating you," asks one.
“Just great," replies the other.
The first one looks at him dubiously and says, "Have you been reading the
papers?”
“Of course," replies the other, "how else would I know!”

A little old Jewish lady sits down on a plane next to a big blonde Norwegian.
She keeps staring and staring at him. Finally she turns to him and says, "Pardon
me, are you Jewish?”
“No," he replies, and goes back to reading his in-flight magazine.

A few minutes go by and she looks at him again and says, “You can tell me - you
are Jewish, aren't you?”

He answers, "Definitely not.”

She keeps studying him, and says again, "I can tell you are Jewish!”

In order to get her to stop annoying him, the big Norwegian says, "Okay, I am
Jewish.”

She looks at him and shakes her head back and forth and says, "Really, you
don't look it!”

Hymie Goldberg is stopped in the street by a neatly dressed salesman who says,
“Sir, would you like to buy a toothbrush for ten dollars?”

“Ten dollars?” cries Hymie. "That's robbery!” The salesman seems hurt. “Well
then," he says, "how about a nice piece of homemade chocolate cake for ten
cents?” This seems fair, so Hymie hands ten cents to the man and unwrapping
the cake takes a bite. Suddenly he screams and spits out the mouthful.

“My God!" he shouts. “This cake tastes like shit.”

"It is,” replies the salesman. 'Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

Hymie Goldberg answers a classified advertisement in a newspaper which says,

Opportunity of a lifetime!" He is given an address and finds himself face to face
with old man Finkelstein.

“What I am looking for,” explains old man Fink, "is somebody to do all my
worrying for me. Your job will be to shoulder all my cares.”

“That's quite a job," says Hymie. "How much do I get paid?”

"You will get twenty thousand dollars a year," says old man Fink, "to make every
worry of mine your own.”

"Okay," says Hymie, “when do I get paid?”

"Aha!" says Fink. "That's your first worry.”

Little Herschel Goldberg is causing his parents much heartache by his behavior.
He has already been kicked out of two state schools, so in desperation they send
him to a Roman Catholic school. When Herschel gets home from his first day at
school, he goes straight to his room to do his homework. Hymie comes home
from work and says to Becky, "Well, how did Herschel get on at his new
school?”

"Fine," says Becky, "he is upstairs now doing his homework.”

"Homework?" cries Hymie. "He has never done any homework in his life!” So
Hymie runs upstairs and says to Herschel, "Well, son, how come you are doing
homework? Why this big change?”

"Well," says Herschel, "I am the only Jewish boy in the school, and up on the
wall they have a picture of the last one who went there. And, Oy! you should
see what they did to him. They nailed him to a lamppost!”

Moishe Finkelstein gets a nasty letter from the tax office and he has to go for an
interview. He phones his son, Fagin the lawyer, for some advice. Fagin suggests
that he wears old clothes so that he does not look too prosperous. On the way to
the tax office, Moishe bumps into Mendel Kravitz who tells him that dressed in
this way he looks like a rascal and that the tax officer would immediately suspect
something. Moishe is very confused so he goes to visit Rabbi Nussbaum. The
rabbi is out, but his wife lets Moishe into the house.

"What is your trouble? she asks. And Moishe tells her his story. “Aha!” she
replies at the end of the tale. "This reminds me of when I was about to get
married. I could not decide whether to wear a white nightdress and look like a
virgin, or a black one and look experienced and seductive. So I asked my
grandmother for advice.”

"Really!" cries Moishe. "And what did she say?”

“Well," says the rabbi's wife, "she told me, It doesn't matter what you wear -
you'll get fucked anyway.”
Moishe Finkelstein goes into Tiffany's in New York to buy his wife, Ruthie, a
present. “How much is that?" he asks the clerk, fingering a silver crucifix. "That
is five hundred dollars, sir," replies the clerk. “Nice," says Moishe. "And how
much without the acrobat?”

Hymie Goldberg walks into an appliance store and asks the price of a remote-
controlled TV. "One dollar," replies the clerk. “You've got to be kidding," says
Hymie. “Listen," says the clerk, "do you want it or not?" Of course, Hymie
gives him a dollar. On his way out of the store, he sees a big refrigerator. "How
much for that?" asks Hymie. “Fifty cents," replies the clerk. Hymie pulls out fifty
cents and gives it to the clerk. “What the hell is going on here?" he asks.
"Nothing is going on here," replies the clerk. "But my boss is at my house with
my wife and what he is doing to her, I am doing to his business.”

For years, the Goldberg family have been trying to persuade Hymie to buy a
hearing aid. But all he says is, "Nonsense. You people should talk louder.” But
one day Hymie is walking down the street when he sees a sign in a shop
window: Hearing aids - sixty percent off. Hymie rushes in and within ten
minutes, he has been fitted with a hearing aid. Stepping out into the street with
a broad smile on his face, a voice calls him, “Hymie, hey Hymie!” It is his friend
Moishe Finkelstein. "What are you doing in this part of town?" asks Moishe.
“This,” replies Hymie pointing to his ear. “It is wonderful. My kids were right, I
can hear like a seventeen year old.”

“That's great,” says Moishe. "What kind is it?” Hyrnie glances at his watch and
says, "It's a quarter to five.”

Harvey Herchfield says to his rabbi, “I have two problems. I have asked my boss
a dozen times already, but he is determined to fire me at the end of the month.”

“And what is the other problem?- asks the rabbi. "Ah well, my wife does not get
pregnant, although she stays home and prays all day,” answers Harvey. "You are
doing it wrong” suggests the rabbi. "Next time you stay at home to pray and
send your wife to ask the boss.’

Three months later the happy Harvey thanks the rabbi. "Your advice has
worked! The boss has rehired me and my wife is pregnant!”
Hymie Goldberg has a little trouble with the police and he goes to see his
lawyer. "If I win the case," says Hymie, "I will give you five hundred dollars.”
"Okay," says the lawyer, “get some witnesses." Hymie rounds up a few witnesses
and wins his case. "Now," says the lawyer, you won your case. What about my
five hundred dollars?”

"Okay," says Hymie, "get some witnesses.”

Becky begins to get a little concerned because Hymie has not arrived home on
time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she
becomes more and more worried, until at eight o'clock Hymie finally pulls into
the driveway. "What happened?" says Becky "You should have been home hours
ago.”

"Fred had a heart attack at the second hole," replies Hymie. "Oh, that's
terrible," says Becky "But why are you so late?”

“Well," replies Hymie, “for the next sixteen holes it was hit the ball and drag
Fred, hit the ball and drag Fred…”

Irving Levinsky is walking around New York City thinking how crowded and
impossible city life is becoming. Suddenly he sees a man lying in the gutter.
Irving walks over to him and says, "Are you sick, can I help you?”

"No, it is okay," says the man. "I have just found this parking space so I have
sent my wife off to buy a car.”

The judge looks sternly at Moishe Finkelstein and says, “Before sending you to
the chair, is there a last request you would like to make?”

“Yes, judge,” says Moishe, “I would like to have a look at my wife first, then I
will feel more like dying.”

Grandpa Goldstein gets drunk one night and no one can find him. They look
everywhere - behind the barn, in the hay shed, but no Grandpa. Finally, Bernie
hears the pigs snorting and goes to check. There is Grandpa Goldstein lying in
the mud with an old sow, stroking her belly. “Gee, honey,” Bernie hears him
mutter, “I have been sleeping with you for forty-nine years and this is the first
time I have noticed your night gown has two rows of buttons!”

Hymie Goldberg, who only weighs seventy pounds, goes to Texas on business.
He checks into a hotel which is fifty storeys high, and is shown into a suite the
size of a ballroom. Overwhelmed he goes down to the bar and is served a drink
that is so big it takes both hands to lift. “Everything is big in Texas, pal,” says the
bartender. When his dinner arrives, the plate is the size of his dining room table
at home. “Hey pal, everything is big in Texas,' says the waiter. Finally, overcome
by all this, Hymie decides it is time to go and try out his super-king-size bed, but
he loses his way in the hotel's vast corridors. Opening the door of a darkened
room, Hymie falls into the swimming pool with a great splash. When he comes
to the surface, he begins to shriek, "Don't flush it!!! Don't flush it!!!”

An old Russian story…

The people of Chelm were terrible worriers; they even worried about how
much they worried. So the mayor and the rabbi appointed Ira the candlemaker
to do all the worrying for the people of Chelm. And for this he would earn four
rubles a week. The scheme did not work because Ira went home to Ruth and
said, "Wonderful news, I have got four rubles a week; we have nothing to worry
about!”

Naturally, be was thrown out from bis employment - that was the reason that be
was going to get four rubles a week, so that be could worry for the whole town.
But he forgot completely… just the joy of having four rubles a week for nothing.
Naturally, he said, "Now there is nothing to worry about.” But that's bow be lost
his job!

Moishe Finkelstein, a tailor from a small Ukrainian village, applies for

membership of the Russian Communist Party in Kiev.

"Who was Karl Marx?" asks the Commissar.

"Never heard of him," replies Moishe.
"Who was Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin?”
"Never met him," Moishe.
"Who was Vladimir Ilyich Lenin?”
"Can't say I recall the name," replies Moishe.
“Mr. Finkelstein, are you taking us for idiots?" asks the irritated Commissar.
“No," replies Moishe, "Do you know Irving Levensky?”
"Never heard of him," replies the Commissar.
"So, do you know Mendel Kravitz?" Moishe asks again.
"No," is the reply.
“So you know Hymie Goldberg?" Moishe asks again.
"I don't know who you are talking about," replies the irritated Commissar.
“Well," says Finkelstein, "that's how it is - you have your friends; I have mine!”

Little Sadie comes home from school and says, "I had tea in a Jewish house
today,”
"How do you know it was a Jewish house?" asks her mother. “Well," replies
Sadie," because they had a fork in the sugar bowl!”

Artie Finkelstein is advised by his doctor that he has a very rare disease, and the
only remedy is a daily glass of fresh mother's milk. Artie finally finds a young
lady who is willing to sell her milk, and Artie sits down and nurses on her breast.
After about five minutes, the woman looks at him and breathlessly asks, "Is there
anything else you would like?”
"Well," says Artie, "Er...maybe a cookie?”

A wealthy, ninety-five-year-old multimillionaire is meeting with his financial

adviser. The adviser is very excited and tells the old man, "I just found out about
an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five
years!”

"Five years? Arc you kidding?" exclaims the old man. "At my age, I don't even
buy green bananas.”

Hymie Goldberg is trying to hold a small mirror in his hand while he adjusts his
tie. The mirror slips and shatters on the ground. "Oh, no!" he complains to
Becky "Now I am going to have seven years' bad luck.”

“Nonsense," replies Becky "My uncle Sollie once broke a mirror, and he didn't
have seven years' bad luck.”

“Really?" says Hymie, encouraged. “Really," repeats Becky. "He died the same
day.”
Fifteen minutes after the Titanic sinks, Morie and Louis find themselves on the
same overturned raft. The water is freezing, sharks are cruising by, and the raft
is slowly sinking.

"Ah well," says Louis, “it could have been worse.”

“Worse? How could it be worse?" screams Morie.
“Well," says Louis," we could have bought return tickets!”

Irving Levensky, a leading dress manufacturer, decides to go on an African

safari. After spending six weeks in darkest Africa, he returns to Seventh Avenue.
Everyone who works in his show room gasps when he walks in the door. Irving,
who was six feet tall when he left New York, is now little higher than two feet.
His employees all look at him and ask, “Mr. Levensky, what happened?”

“Never, but never,” he replies, "under any circumstances, call a witch doctor a
schmuck!”

Hymie Goldberg is telling Moishe Finkelstein about the new town brothel. "It is
fantastic," says Hymie. "You can screw all night, and when you leave they give
you breakfast and twenty dollars.”

"Have you actually tried it?" asks Moishe.

"No," admits Hymie, "but Becky has.”

A lawyer has been trying for months to get Mendel Kravitz to pay a bill, but all
his letters and telegrams are disregarded. Finally, in desperation he sends
Mendel a tear-jerking letter, with a photograph of his little daughter. The lawyer
writes under the photo: "Here is the reason I must have the money you owe
me.” Mendel replies by sending a photograph of a beautiful redhead in a
bathing suite. The caption on this picture says: “Here is the reason I can't pay.”

Mendel Kravitz is trying to make out with his secretary. He wines her and dines
her and when he gets her back to his apartment, he whispers sweet promises in
her ear.

"If we get it together," murmurs Mendel, "a fur coat or perhaps a trip to
Europe.” The secretary takes him by the hand into the bedroom and they are
soon in bed together. Later, while dressing, she asks him when she will get the
fur coat he promised. "What fur coat?" asks Mendel. "You promised me a fur
coat,” insists the girl. “When I am horny, I will promise anything," says Mendel.
And putting one hand over his heart and the other on his prick, he says, "When
he is hard, he is soft. When he is soft, he is hard.”

Two Jews are sitting on a train. One asks the other if he has the time. There is
no answer. Again he asks.Again, no answer. Eventually, he taps him hard on the
knee and almost shouts his question, and the other at last tells him the time.
"And why did it take you so long, if I may ask?”

“Well, it is like this," says the Jew "We will get talking. We will become friendly.
When we get to Hicksville, I will ask you to come home with me to have a bite
to eat and you meet my daughter. She is beautiful and you are a nice-lookimg
chap and you will fall in love and you will want to get married and quite frankly,
I don't want a son-in-law who has not got a watch.”

Amos Saperstein dies suddenly with an enormous erection. The undertaker,

Moishe Finkelstein, tries everything to make it shrink. He puts cold water on it,
then packs it in ice cubes, but nothing works. Finally they decide that they have
only one option: they cut a hole in the lid of the coffin and cover it with a sheet.
On the way to the cemetery the coffin is carried past two little old ladies sitting
on a bench. "Well, there goes old Amos," says grandma Kravitz "I hope his
family gave him a proper send-off.” Just then a gust of wind blows the sheet off
the top of the coffin. "The tight fisted bastards," says grandma. "Look at that!
Only one lousy flower.”

Grandma Schaeferstein is a feisty old bird. So when she gets admitted to the old
people’s home, she is constantly in trouble. One morning, just for a laugh, she
comes downstairs stark naked and, letting out a wild shriek, runs through the
entire length of the dayroom before disappearing into the garden. Old man
Finkelstein and old man Krsnitz are watching TV at the time.And Fink turns to
Kravitz and says, "Who was that Mendel, making all that noise?”

"l don't know," replies Kravitz, "but whoever it was, her clothes need ironing.”

Hymie Goldberg is sitting in a bar one night when the man sitting on the next
stool slides off and lands on the floor. Feeling that there is no way the man will
make it home on his own, Hymie finds his address in his wallet and decides to
help him. Slipping an arm around his waist, they head for the door. But
immediately the man's legs crumple and he collapses. “You drunken bum,"
complains Hymie, "why the hell didn't you stop drinking sooner?” The man
mumbles something, but Hymie is in no mood to listen. Feeling as righteous as
Mother Teresa, Hymie throws his shoulders beneath the man and carries him
home. Knocking indignantly, he strides in when a women opens the door, and
dumps the man on the couch. "Here is your husband," says Hymie. "And if I
were you, I would have a serious talk with him about his drinking.”

"I will," promises the woman. "But tell me," she continues, looking outside,
"where is his wheelchair?”

Hymie Goldberg goes to his doctor, feeling very run down due to worry over
money matters. "Relax,"t he doctor orders, "just two weeks ago Mendel Kravitz
was in here, all upset because he could not pay his tailor's bills. I told him to
forget them and now he feels great.”

"I know," says Hymie, "I am his tailor.” Now, there are situations...but if you are
a little alert, even in the situation of Hymie Goldberg you would have laughed,
“This is strange! This doctor has suggested to my customer, forget all about
paying money,' and he is feeling great. And he is telling this to me and I am the
tailor.” But such situations, such ridiculous situations, you will find everywhere.
Life is full of such situations.

Hymie Goldberg feels very sick, so he calls in a specialist. After examining

Hymie, the specialist says, 'Yes, I am quite sure I can cure you.”

"How much will it cost?" asks Hymie weakly. "My fee," says the specialist, “will
be seven hundred dollars.”

“1 am afraid,” says Hymie, "you will have to reduce that a little. I got a better
price from the undertakers.”

The doctor tells Hymie Goldberg that he will need a small operation. "Would
you like a local anaesthetic?" he asks. "Hang the expense," says Hymie. "Get the
best, use imported.”

The police car stops Mendel Kravitz on the main highway. “Sir, do you know
your wife fell out of the car five miles back?”
"Ah, thank God, officer," says Mendel. "I thought I had gone deaf.”
Adolf Hitler is having strange dreams, so he goes to see Madam Sawzall, the
psychic. "What your dreams mean," she says, "is that you are going to die on a
Jewish holiday.”

"A Jewish holiday?" screams Hitler. “Which one?”

"Any day you die," replies Madam Sawzall, "will be a Jewish holiday!”

Sammy and Sony, two disciples of a famous rabbi come to visit him, and while
they are waiting to be ushered into his presence, the rabbi's wife brings them
two cups of lemon tea and a plate with two cakes on it - one small, one big.

"After you," says Sammy, offering Solly the plate. "No, after you," says Solly.
"No, no," insists Sammy, "after you.”
"No," says Sony, "you take first.”

Eventually Solly gives in and helps himself first -- to the bigger cake. Sammy is
outraged. “What!" he screams. “You helped yourself first, and took the bigger
cake!”

“So?" says Solly "If you had chosen first, which cake would you have taken?”

“Why, the smaller one, of course!" snaps Sammy.

“Well,” says Solly, taking a bite, "what are you complaining about? You have got
the smaller one!”

A poor Jew is walking down the street, when he sees a rich funeral procession go
by - black Rolls Royces, lots of flowers, women in furs, a gold-handled coffin.
He shakes his head and says, "Now that's what I call living!”

An ancient story…

God visited the earth and approached the Babylonians." I have a

commandment for you,” he said.

"What is it?" asked the Babylonians.

“You shalt not commit adultery," said God.
"We don't want it," the Babylonians replied.
So God approached the Egyptians, and offered them the same deal.
But the Egyptians said, "No, thanks.”
And then God saw Moses wandering in the desert. "I have a commandment,"
he said.
"How much does it cost?" asked Moses.
"Nothing," answered God. "It is free.”
“Okay," said Moses, "in that case I'll take ten.”

Wealthy Hymie and Becky are sitting in their luxurious New York penthouse
watching television when there is a knock on the door. Hymie opens it and is
confronted by a hooded six-foot burly figure. "Please," says Hymie, "take my
money, anything, but don't hurt me.”

“Sir," says the hooded figure, "I am a rapist, not a thief.”

“Thank God," says Hymie and calls over his shoulder, "Becky, it is for you.”

Three months later, it is the same scene: same knock on the door, same hooded
figure, but this time Hymie closes the door on him saying, "I have given
already.”

Harry and Abe have been friends almost all their lives. Now as their time on
earth draws to a close, Abe asks Harry, "Do you believe in life after death?”

"I don't know," Harry says, "but we should make a pact: whoever goes first will
give the other a sign.” Not too long after, Abe dies, and Harry waits for a sign.
One day the telephone rings.

"Hello, Harry," comes the voice.

"Abe," cries Harry. "Where are you?”

"Well, where I am the grass is green, the air is sweet and pure, there are
beautiful mountains. I get up in the morning, have a little grass, make a little
love, take a little nap. In the evening, I have a little grass, make a little love and
go to sleep.”

"You mean you are in heaven?" asks Harry. “Heaven? What heaven?" says Abe.
"I am a buffalo in Montana.”
As usual, Hymie is complaining to his friend, Moishe. "My wife is a typical Jew,"
he says. "She only makes love doggy-style.”

"Doggy-style?" cries Moishe, "I don't believe it!”

"It's true, says Hymie. "I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.”

Little Moishe goes skating on the lake while his mother stands by watching over
him. Suddenly, through a crack in the thin ice, little Moishe vanishes. "Oy vey!"
shrieks his mother. “My Moishe, drowning in front of my very eyes!” Eventually
a policeman comes, strips naked, and dives into the icy water. Again and again,
blue from cold, he dives in and eventually finds Moishe. The policeman
manages to revive him, wraps him in his own clothes, and rushes him to the
hospital where little Moishe eventually recovers. Moishe's mother goes up to the
policeman afterwards and says, "So, where is his hat? He had a hat!"

Solly Sapperstein is sitting in a train opposite a priest. “Tell me, your worship,””
Solly asks, "why do you wear your collar back to front?”

“Because I am a father," answers the priest.

“I am also a father, and I don't wear my collar like that," says Solly. "Oh," says
the priest, “but I am a father to thousands.”

"Then maybe," replies Sony, "it is your trousers you should wear back to front.”

Three Jewish ladies, Mrs. Fletcher, Mrs. Cornfield, and Mrs. Baum, were sitting
in a New York restaurant bragging about-their children. "My son is a doctor,"
said Mrs. Fletcher, "and he's an internist, a surgeon and a specialist. He makes
so much money, he owns an apartment building on Park Avenue.”

"That's nice," said Mrs. Cornfield. "My son is a lawyer. He handles divorces,
accidents, tax cases, insurance. He is so successful, he owns two apartment
buildings on Fifth Avenue.”

“Ladies,” announced Mrs. Baum, "you should both be proud to have such
successful sons. My boy, I have to tell you the truth, is a homosexual.”

“That's a shame,” said Mrs. Cornfield. "And what does he do for a living?”
"Nothing," said Mrs. Baum. "He has two friends: one is a doctor who owns an
apartment building on Park Avenue, and the other is a lawyer who owns two
apartment buildings.”

Rabbi Nussbaum is upset at the lack of generosity amongst his congregation,

and he prays that the rich should give more charity to the poor. "And has your
prayer been answered?" asked his wife. "Half of it has," replies the rabbi. "The
poor are willing to accept.”

Three Soviet citizens: Kowalski, a Pole; Zloty, a Czech; and Moishe Finkelstein,
a Jew, are accused of spying and sentenced to death. Each is granted a last wish.

"I want my ashes scattered over the grave of Karl Marx," says Kowalski.
“I want my ashes scattered over the grave of Lenin," says Zloty.
"And I,” says Moishe, "want my ashes scattered over the grave of Comrade
Gorbachev.”

"But that is impossible!" he is told. "Gorbachev is not dead yet.”

"Fine," shrugs Moishe, "I can wait.”

An old Jew is run over in front of a church. The priest runs out and whispers in
his ear. "Do you believe in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost?” The Jew
opens one eye and says, "I am dying and he is asking me riddles!”

What are the three reasons that prove that Christ was a Jew? Firstly, he was
thirty-three years old and still lived with his mother; secondly he believed his
mother to be a virgin; and thirdly, his mother believed her son to be a god.

Mrs. Rachel Saperstein has just sent the kids to school when the phone rings. "Is
your husband's name Amos Saperstein?" asks a voice. “Yes it is," she replies.

"This is the police," says the voice. "There has been an accident and we would
like you to come and identify the body.”

Mrs. Saperstein arrives at the morgue, and an attendant shows her a body
covered in a white sheet. He lifts the sheet. "Was this your husband?" he asks.
Mrs. Saperstein's eyes widen. "Oy, oy, oy!" she cries. "How did you -- yes, that's
my husband - how did you ever get your sheets so white?”

One day, while decorating the bathroom, Hymie Goldberg repaints the toilet
seat, but forgets to tell Becky about it. So when she uses the toilet, she gets stuck
to it. She sits there screaming and crying until Hymie comes and unscrews the
seat. He helps Becky to the bed and lies her face down.

Calling the family physician, Hymie does not tell him what has happened, but
explains that there is no way that Becky can come to his office. Reluctantly the
doctor agrees to call by on his way home.

When he arrives, Hymie shows him into the bedroom, where Becky gets up on
her hands and knees to display her problem.

"Well, Doctor," says Hymie, "what do you think?” Stroking his chin, the doctor
replies, "I think it is lovely, but why such a cheap frame?”

A wealthy widower and his beautiful daughter are on a sea cruise. By chance the
girl falls overboard, and Rubin Fingelbaum, aged seventy, splashes in behind
and rescues her. After the two are brought on board the ship, the widower
throws his arms around Rubin. "You saved my daughter's life," he cries. "I'm a
rich man - I will give you anything! Ask for whatever you want!”

"Just answer me one question," replies Rubin. "Who pushed me?”

Rachel had lived a good life, marrying four times, and now she is standing
before the Pearly Gates. Father Abraham checks her file and says, "I notice that
you first married a banker, then an actor, then a rabbi and lastly an undertaker.
What kind of system is that for a respectable Jewish woman?”

"A very good system," replies Rachel. "One for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready and four to go!”

Mendel Kravitz saves up for many years to buy a really fine tailor-made suit, his
very first. But after he's been out in it for an hour, he notices that there are
things wrong with it. He goes back to the tailor.
"The arms are too long," says Mendel.

"No problem," replies the tailor. "Just hold your arms out further and bend at
the elbows.”

"But the trouser legs are too long," says Mendel.

"Right," replies the tailor. "No problem, just walk with your knees bent.”

"But the collar is too high, it's halfway up the back of my head!" says Mendel.

“Okay, just poke your head out further," says the tailor.

So Mendel goes out into the world with his first tailor-made suit. As he is
passing a couple in the street, the woman says, "Look at that poor man! He
must have had polio.”

“Yes," her husband replies. "But he must have a great tailor, his suit fits him
perfectly.”

Moishe is employed as a groom working in the Czar's stables. One day the
crown prince comes rushing into the stable.

“Moishe," he calls, "get the finest carriage ready. The princess is coming home, I
just received a telegram. Use the best harness with the bells and feathers.”

While he is getting everything ready, Moishe notices that one of the horses has
an erection. "Hey!" he says to the horse. "Who had the telegram, you or the
prince?”

When Nathan Nussbaum returns to America from Europe, Bernie, his partner
in the men's clothing store wants to hear everything about the trip.

"And I even went in a group to see the Vatican," says Nathan, "where we were
blessed by the pope.”

"The pope?" exclaims Bernie. "What does he look like?”

"Nothing special," answers Nathan. "I would figure a size forty-four, short.”
Old man Rubenstein is a pain in the ass. "Just look at me!" he declares. "I don't
smoke, drink or chase women, and tomorrow I will celebrate my eightieth
birthday.”

"You will?" asked his son curiously “How?"

Yossel Moskowitzh has four daughters and insists on meeting each of their
boyfriends before he allows them to be taken out on a date.

The first boy arrives and says, "My name is Jim and I have come to take Kim
for a swim. Is she in?" He seems nice enough, so Yossel lets them go.

The second lad arrives and says, "My name is Joe, and I have come to take Flo
to the show. Can we go?" He, too, is given permission.

Soon there is a third boy at the door who says, "My name is Lance and I have
come to take Nance to the dance. Any chance?" So, off they go.

Finally a fourth boy knocks on the door and says, “Hi! My name is Buck…”
But Yossel shouts, "She is not in!”

Bernie Bernstein is having his fiftieth birthday and his wife, Betty, wants to give
him something really special. They have been married for twenty-five years and
have the perfect marriage.

"What's something you have never had on your birthday?" she asks. Bernie
looks coy and Betty says, “Come on, it is okay anything you want.”

“Well,” says Bernie, "I have never been with a whore.”

"Okay," says Betty, "I will get you the best.”

So she books him a very classy whore for the whole night. When Bernie comes
home the next day she asks, "Did you enjoy yourself ?”

"Yes," says Bernie shyly.

”Well, did she do anything I don't do?”

"Yes," he says modestly.

"Well, what was it?" asks Betty.

"She moaned," says Bernie.

So the next time they are making love, Betty keeps saying, "Shall I moan yet?”

"Not yet," pants Bernie.Then finally he is about to climax and he cries, "Okay
start moaning, start moaning!”

So Betty says, "Oh my God! I have had a terrible day, your mother came, the
vacuum cleaner broke, my hair is a mess…."

Herschel Goldberg is drafted to fight in Ronald Reagan's latest war with Iran.
However, he manages to convince the draft board officer that he is half blind
and is sent home. That evening, Herschel goes to the cinema and when the
lights come on he notices that a member of the draft board is sitting next to
him. Without a moment's hesitation Herschel taps him on the shoulder and
asks, "Excuse me, Madam, is this the train for New Jersey?”

Hymie Goldberg goes into the synagogue and begins to pray. "Dear God," says
Hymie, "please let me win the lottery." Then he leaves the synagogue and goes
home. Nothing happens that day so he returns to the synagogue the next day.
"Please, God," beseeches Hymie, "please won't you let me win the lottery?” He
goes home and again there are no results, so he arrives back in the synagogue
the following morning. “Almighty God," wails Hymie, "I beg of you, let me win
the lottery!” Suddenly he hears a booming voice from above. “Hymie!”
thunders God. "Meet me at least halfway! Buy a lottery ticket!”

Hymie and Becky are having a holiday in Florida when one night a hurricane
hits the coast. Becky gets extremely upset and cannot sleep a wink. Hymie,
however, is sleeping soundly.

“Hymie,” cries Becky shaking him awake, "this house is rocking as if it will blow
away”

"Relax," says Hymie, "go to sleep. We are only renting it.”

Sadie Moskovitz takes her old grandmother to the movies. It is an epic about
the Roman Empire. In one scene a lot of unarmed prisoners are thrown to the
lions. Old Grandma brakes out into loud wails, crying out, "Ah, those poor
people.”

Sadie is very embarrassed and whispers fiercely, "Don't scream like that,
Grandma. Those are Christians. Choked, Grandma says, "I see." She is quiet at
once, but soon begins wailing louder than before.

“Grandma," demands Sadie, "what is it now?”

"Over there," says Grandma, pointing, "that poor little lion at the back. He's not
getting any Christian.”

Hymie Goldberg goes to see Madam Sawzall, the fortune teller. After he has sat
down in the darkened room, Madam Sawzall says, "I will read your palm for
fifty dollars, and that entitles you to ask three questions.”

“Questions about what?” asks Hymie, as he hands over the cash.

“About anything," replies the psychic.

"But isn't fifty dollars an awful lot to charge for that?" complains Hymie.

“Maybe," says Madam Sawzall, "and what is your last question?”

An old story…

Yussel Rabinowitz and his wife Bessie were hiding from the Nazis in a secluded
Berlin basement. One day Yussel decided to get a breath of fresh air, but while
out walking he came face to face with Adolf Hitler himself. The German leader
pulled out a gun and pointed to a pile of horse-shit in the street. "All right, Jew!"
he shouted, "Eat that or I'll kill you.” Trembling, Yussel did as he was ordered.
Hitler began laughing so hard that he dropped his gun. Yussel grabbed it and
said, "Now you eat, or I'll shoot!”

The führer got down on his hands and knees and began eating. While he was
occupied, Yussel sneaked away and ran back to his basement. He slammed the
door shut, bolted and locked it securely. "Bessie, Bessie!" he shouted. "Guess
who I had lunch with today!”
Old Sammy Moskowitz was walking home late one night when he was stopped
by a man with a gun who hissed, "Your money or your life.” There was a long
silence while old Sammy just stood there. The robber became restless, looking
around in case anyone was coming. He waited a bit longer and then hissed
again. "Come on, your money or your life.”

"Okay, okay," old Sammy replied. "Just a minute, I'm thinking, I'm thinking.”

Young Fagin Finkelstein has just entered the parlor of a familiar whorehouse
when to his great surprise he sees his father coming down the stairs. Fagin jumps
back in surprise. "Dad," he exclaims, "what are you doing in a place like this?”
Old Moishe Finkelstein is equally stunned, but recovers quickly. "Now Fagin,"
he says nonchalantly, brushing off his suit, "for twenty lousy dollars would you
want me to bother your dear, hard working mother?”

A large crowd has been waiting quietly at the foot of the mountain. Moses has
been gone for hours. Suddenly his white robe is seen fluttering in the breeze,
and now the lawgiver stands before his flock.

"People of Israel!" Moses shouts. "I have been with the Lord for seven hours
and I now have some good news, and some bad news…”

“Speak, O Moses!” shouts the crowd.

“The good news,” says Moses, "is that I have managed to bring the number of
commandments down to ten!”

The people cheer. Then they cry, "Moses, what is the bad news?”

“Well,” Moses sadly replies, "Adultery is still in there.”

Hymie Goldberg has been having lunch in the same restaurant for twenty years
and every day he orders chicken soup with never a change. But one day Hymie
calls the waiter back after receiving his soup.

“Yes, Mr. Goldberg?" inquires the waiter.

“Waiter,” says Hymie, “please taste this soup.”

The waiter is shocked. “What do you mean, taste the soup? For twenty years
you have been eating the same chicken soup every day Has it ever been
different?”

Hymie ignores the waiter's comments. "Please taste this soup", he says again.

“Mr. Goldberg,” cries the waiter, "what is the matter with you? I know what the
chicken soup tastes like.”

“Taste the soup!" Hymie demands.

"Okay, okay,” says the waiter. "I will taste it. Where is the spoon?”

“Aha!" cries Hymie.

Nathan Nussbaum from Israel is visiting Paris. He goes to a brothel and insists
on the services of a girl called Gloria. Gloria is unavailable, but when Nathan
shows a thousand-dollar bill, she is brought to him and they spend the night
together.

On the following two nights again a thousand-dollar bill changes hands and
Nathan and Gloria spend the nights in passion. Finally Gloria asks why she is
receiving such generous attention.

“Well," says Nathan, "you see, I am from Israel.”

“Why, so am I," exclaims Gloria.

"Yes, I know," replies Nathan. "It happens that your grandmother lives in the
same building as my parents and when she heard I was going to Paris, she asked
me to give you the three thousand dollars you asked for.”

Hymie Goldberg was telling his friends about his sailing holiday and how his
boat had capsized in rough weather, throwing him into the water.

"I had abandoned all hope," said Hymie, '"and as I sank for the third time, my
past seemed to rise up before me in a series of grim, realistic pictures.” A
murmur of sympathy came from the group listening. But before Hymie could
continue, his friend Moishe Finkelstein spoke up sharply saying, "And did you
happen to notice a picture of me lending you five dollars in late 1960?”
Nathan Nussbaum went to consult a world-famous specialist about his medical
problem.

"How much do I owe you?" asked Nat.

"My fee is five hundred dollars," replied the doctor.

"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible!" exclaimed Nathan.

In your case," the specialist replied, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three
hundred dollars.”

Three hundred dollars for one visit? Ridiculous!" cried Nathan.

"Well then," asked the doctor. "can you afford one hundred and fifty dollars?”

"Who has so much money?" Nathan moaned.

"Listen," said the doctor, "just give me fifty dollars and get out.”

"I can give you twenty dollars," said Nathan. "Take it or leave it.”

"I don't understand you," said the specialist. "Why did you come to the most
expensive doctor in New York?”

“Listen, doctor," explained Nathan, “when it comes to my health, nothing is too

expensive.”

Victor Comet, the great astronomer is concluding his lecture at the synagogue.
“…And some of my colleagues believe that our own sun will probably die
within four to five billion years.”

“How many years did you say? asks Mrs. Siegel, from the back of the room.
"Four or five billion," replies Victor.
"Phew," says Mrs. Siegel. "That's a relief. I thought you said million.”

Little Sammy tells his grandfather about the great scientist, Albert Einstein, and
his theory of relativity. “Ah yes," says Grandpa, "and what does the theory have
to say?”
"Our teacher says that only a few people in the whole world can understand it,"
the boy explains, "but then she told us what it means. Relativity is like this: if a
man sits for an hour with a pretty girl, it feels like a minute; but if he sits on a
hot stove for a minute, it feels like an hour - and that's the theory of relativity.”

Grandpa is silent for a moment and slowly shakes his head. "Sammy," he says
softly, "from this your Einstein makes a living?”

Mrs. Feigenbaum is having a nap one afternoon when she is awoken by the
sounds of loud banging and groaning from downstairs. She creeps fearfully to
the staircase and looks over. In the hallway below, she sees her seven-year-old
son, Rubin, with a sex manual in his hand. He is standing on the head of six-
year-old Ruthie from next door. Both of the kids are naked.

“I don't understand what has gone wrong," says Rubin. “This book says, ‘Take
off your clothes.’ We did that. Then it says, ‘The man gets on top of the
woman.' I did that. Where’s all the fun in it?”

“I don't know," replies Ruthie, "all I know is, I have got a headache!”

At the beginning of World War II, a Nazi officer is forced to share a

compartment on a crowded train with a Jew and his family After ignoring them
for a while he says contemptuously, “You Jews are supposed to be so clever:
where does this so-called intelligence come from?”

"It is from our diet," says the Jew, "we eat a lot of raw fish heads." Upon which
he opens his basket and says, "Lunchtime!" He then proceeds to hand out fish
heads to his wife and children. The Nazi officer, getting excited says, "Wait a
minute, I want some!”

“Okay,” says the Jew, "I will sell you six for twenty-five dollars.”

The officer accepts and begins to chew. He almost throws up, but the children
shout encouragement", Suck out the brains, suck out the brains!”

The Nazi is on his fourth head when he says to the Jew, "Is not twenty-five
dollars a lot of money for six fish heads, that are usually thrown out as
garbage?”

“See?" says the Jew, "they are working already!”

An old retired Jewish widow is strolling on the beach in Miami when she
suddenly spies an old Jewish man lying alone in the sun. Excitedly she trots over
in his direction, stops in front of him and says, "I have never seen you around
here before. What is your name?”

“Max,” he replies, "and you don't see me because I'm rarely around anywhere!”

“Why, what do you mean?" asks the widow.

“Because I just got out of jail - that's what I mean!" he replies. "I was in for a
year.”

“Jail!” The old widow steps back a pace and surveys him critically "What did
you go to jail for?”

“Oh just petty theft," the old man says, and shrugs.

"Ah, I see.” The woman takes a step back to him. "That's a small crime, no big
deal. All the same, you should be ashamed.”

“Not nearly as ashamed as I was when I got the ten-year jail sentence," the old
man sighs.

“Ten years!” the widow, in alarm, stumbles back a few more paces. "God! what
did you do to get ten years?”

"Oh - just armed robbery." The old man shrugs and rolls over on his beach
towel.

"Armed robbery! - that is serious. I hope to God you are sorry for such a thing,"
the widow scolds him, while at the same time returning a little closer to get a
better look at him.

"I was sorry alright - I'd just finished twenty in the slammer when I picked up
that sentence. I had hardly seen the light of day!" The old man sighs heavily in
remembrance.

"Twenty years! kind of man are you?" The widow, panicking, leaps several yards
away from him, ready to run. “What on earth did you do to get twenty years in
jail?”
"l murdered my wife," the old man replies.

“Really?" she says, as she unrolls her beach towel beside him. "You are single?”

Rabbi Gideon Finkelstein dies and goes to heaven. He sees only three people
there, reading by a dim light. One of them is reading PLAYBOY, another
PENTHOUSE, and the other POPULAR SCIENCE. He decides to see what
hell is like.

The rabbi gets to the devil's domain and it turns out to be a big night club with
every kind of music being played. There is an eight-piece Dixieland band, a
thirty-piece swing band, three discos, and all the people are dancing.

Rabbi Finkelstein goes back up to heaven and asks for an audience with God. "I
don’t understand it, Lord," he says, "there are only three people here in heaven
and they are all reading magazines. Down in hell everybody is dancing and
having a good time. Why can’t we have that in heaven?”

The Lord says, "I can't hire a band for just three people.”

At the conclusion of the physical exam, the doctor summoned his patient into
his office with a very grave look on his face.

"I hate to be the one to break it to you, Fred," he said, "but I'm afraid you have
only got six months to live.”

"Oh my god!" gasped Fred, turning white. When the news had sunk in he said,
“Listen, Doc, you have known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as
to how I could make the most of my remaining months?”

"Have you ever been married?" asked the doctor Fred explained that he had
been a bachelor all his life. “You might think about taking a wife," the doctor
proposed. "After all, you will need someone to look after you in the final illness.”

"That's a good point, Doc," said Fred. "And with only six months to live, I'd
better make the most of my time.”

"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor.When Fred nodded, he
said, “Marry a Jewish girl.”
“A Jewish girl - how come?" wondered Fred. The doctor replied, "Then six
months will seem like six lives.”

The KGB knocks on Yussel Finkelstein's door one dark night. Yussel opens the
door. The KGB man barks out, "Does Yussel Finkelstein here?”

"No," replies Yussel, standing there in his frayed pajamas.

“No?" shouts the man. "So what is your name then?”

"Yussel Finkelstein," replies Yussel.

The KGB man knocks him to the ground and says, "Did you just say that you
did not live here?” Yussel replies, "You call this living?”

In the religious instruction lesson, the teacher asks the class, "Who wants to go
to heaven?” All the children put their hands up, except for little Hymie. The
teacher asks him why he does not want to go to heaven.

“Well," little Hymie says, "my father keeps saying, Business has gone to hell' and
I want to be where the business is!”

Hymie Goldberg is visiting his friend, Solly Saperstein, who is dying. "Do us a
favor," says Hymie, "when you go to heaven could you find a way of letting me
know whether they play baseball up there?" Solly says he will certainly try to
contact his old friend if at all possible. Only a few days later Solly dies and, sure
enough, Hymie gets a phone call.

"Hello, Hymie," says Solly. "It is your old friend here.”

"Solly? Is it really you?" asks Hymie.

"Sure," answers Solly "I have some good news and some bad news. First, there
sure is baseball in heaven.”

"Great!" said Hymie. "But what is the bad news?”

"The bad news", says Solly," is that you are pitching next Sunday.”
Little Hymie is taking his bath with little Becky before the Sabbath. They are
making soap bubbles, when suddenly little Hymie looks at Becky and says, "And
now I am going to duck you.”

“Ha!" says Becky with contempt. “You don't even know how to pronounce it!”

Old Hymie Goldberg returned to the doctor to express his delight over the
invisible hearing aid that his doctor had fitted for him.

"I bet your family likes it, too," said the doctor.

"Ah no," said old Hymie, "they don't know about it yet and I am having a great
time. In the past two days, I have changed my will twice!”

The body of Mendel Kravitz is lying in an open coffin in Finkelstein's Funeral

Parlor. As the mourners file past to pay their final respects, Hymie Goldberg
clucks his tongue and shakes his head.

"He was an atheist, he never believed in heaven and hell, you know," Hymie
says to Grandpa Finkelstein, who is standing by the coffin, looking somber.

“Really?" replies the Fink, looking at the dead Mendel's immaculate suit and tie.
"Then I guess he is all dressed up with nowhere to go!”

Hymie Goldberg has worked hard all his life and became very rich. But now
he's on his deathbed with his wife Becky by his side, and he is dispersing his
worldly possessions.

“My Cadillac,” he begins, "with the push button motorcycle-cop detector, I

leave to my son, Sam.”

"Better you should leave it to Joe," says Becky. "He is a better driver.”

"All right," whispers Hymie. "My Rolls Royce I leave to my daughter, Linda.”

“You had better give it to your nephew, Willie," interrupts Becky. "He is a very
careful driver.”
"All right. Give it to Willie," continues Hymie.

"And my twelve-cylinder Jaguar, I give to my niece, Sally.”

"Personally," says Becky, "I think Judy should get it.”

Hymie raises his head and shouts, "Becky, please! Who is dying? You or me?”

Hymie Goldberg has been told by the doctor that he is dying. Becky is sitting by
the bedside.

“Listen Becky,” says Hymie. “Soon I will be dead and I don't want you to be
living alone. I want you to get married again.”

"Darling," weeps Becky, "don't talk like that. I will never find another man like
you.”

Holding her hand, Hymie continues, "Look sweetheart, in a few weeks you will
see things differently. I leave everything to you - the house, the cars, the money
in the bank. You will have no worries in your next marriage.”

"No, Hymie," wails Becky, "I will never look at another man.”

"And you know," says Hymie, "those expensive hand-tailored suits I had made?
I want your future man to wear them.”

"What!" cries Becky. "Your suits? But Sollie is at least two inches taller than
you.”

Just the other night, I was looking at a beautiful story.

I became interested because it was saying why Moses and all his Jews, his
followers, went on wandering in the desert for forty years. So I became
interested because it seemed the man was going to give some idea why.

The idea suggested was that they had lost a quarter so they looked all over the
desert; it took forty years. Nobody knows whether they found the quarter or not;
I don't think so.

 2. MARRIAGE

“Unless marriage disappears from the world, jealoiusy cannnot disappear.”

But religion is very insistent on marriage. It is not worried about the suffering of millions of
people unnecessarily. People are driving each other mad with their jealousy, with their new
girlfriends. And men are also jealous, it is not that only women are jealous.

Men are jealous because they want their wives to he absolutely dedicated to them.

They know THEY are not dedicated, but they are men — boys are boys; all this dedication
and surrender is for the woman. Boys are boys and will remain always boys.

But I say to you: girls are girls!


Sammy and Clarissa have just got married. But shortly after arriving at the
honeymoon hotel, the still nervous Sammy becomes worried about the state of
his bride's innocence. Deciding on the direct approach, he quickly undresses.
Then pointing at his exposed manhood, he asks Clarissa, "Honey, do you know
what this is?”

Without hesitation, she blushes and says. "Why yes, that is a wee-wee.”
Delighted at the idea of instructing his innocent in the ways of love, Sammy
whispers, "From now on, dearest, this Will be called a prick.”

“Ah, come on!" says Clarissa. "That's a wee-wee. A prick is big and black!”

All the pleasure is before the marriage; by the time the honeymoon ends, everything is finished.
You will be fortunate if your love can survive the honeymoon - two weeks is too much! Two
weeks together just exploring the same geography…

(SARDAR GURUDAYAL SINGH GIVES A HEARTY LAUGH, THEN

EVERYONE ELSE LAUGHS.)

Look! You cannot defeat Sardar. He is really a nice fellow. He has lived many honeymoons; he
is not laughing out of ignorance - he knows it!

One becomes fed up. Just to ask human beings to be together more than two weeks is absolutely
inhuman, because then comes misery and suffering; and this misery and suffering is perpetuated
by all the churches and the religions. Because if there is no misery and no suffering, who is
going to go to the churches? The fellows you find in churches are those who are suffering and
asking God, "Why you are so hard on me? Could not you give this woman to somebody else?”

Dilly and Dally are identical twin brothers, who live in a small town near the
sea. Dilly is married and Dally is single, but he keeps a small rowing boat.

One day Dilly’s Wife dies, and a few days later, Dally's rowing boat sinks
Walking in the street a week later, Dally meets Mrs. Godball, the bishop's Wife.
Mrs. Godball mistakes Dally, the boatman, for Dilly, who has just lost his wife.

"I'm sorry to hear about your terrible loss!" says Mrs. Godball.

"Oh, thank you very much!" replies Dally, the boatman, "but I am not sorry at
all. She was a rotten old thing from the start. She had a huge crack in the front
of her and a big hole behind, which kept getting bigger every time I used her.
She Stank of old fish and used to leak water all the time. Her bottom was really
badly scratched up, and whenever there was wind, it was not safe to go near her.

"Last week, three men came around looking for some fun, so I hired her out to
them. I told them to take it easy with her, but the three idiots all tried to get into
her at the same time. Of course, she split from back to front. Now she is gone,
and I am very happy about it!”

Mrs. Godball faints.

Doris and Jeff Dull have been married for six years and have three kids. But Jeff
has a strange habit - he will only make love with the lights off. Doris puts up
with this for as long as she can, but one night her curiosity gets the better of her.
She and Jeff are making love in the usual way when suddenly she snaps the light
on, and to her horror, she sees that Jeff is making love to her using a cucumber.

"You impotent wimp!" shouts Doris. "So this is why you never wanted the lights
on! It’s disgusting - explain yourself ”

"Okay, dear," says Jeff, calmly. "I can explain the cucumber, if you can explain
our three kids!”

Martha Grumble and Mildred Mousebreath, two middle-aged housewives, are

sharing confidences over a cup of coffee.

"I don‘t know what to do about my husband anymore," sniffs Martha. "He
never comes home until three in the morning.”

“Oh, dear!" sighs Mildred. "My husband used to be like that - but not
anymore!”

"Really?" asks Martha. "What made him change?”

"What made him change, my dear," says Mildred, smiling, "is that every time he
crept through the door at three in the morni’g, I would sweetly call out, ‘Is that
you, Raymond?’

"Is that all there is to it?" asks Martha. "That's right!" explains Mildred.

"But I don't understand," says Martha. "Why would that stop him?”
"Simple," explains Mildred. "Because his name is Sydney.”

The pub door swings open and Chicken Chopper walks in with an unlit
cigarette hanging from his mouth. He goes over to the bar where Dick Puller is
smoking a cigar and drinking a beer.

"Have you got a light?" asks Chicken.

"Fuck off !" says Dick Puller.
"Hey‘!" says Chicken. "1 only asked for a light!”
"I heard you," snaps Dick. "Fuck off !”

"Hey!" cries Chicken. "Why won't you give me a light then?”

"Because if I do," replies Dick, "you Will buy me a drink.Then I Will have to
buy you a drink. And then we will both get drunk. And then we will both
become friends. And then I will invite you over to my house. And then it will be
too late for you to go home, won’t it?”

"Gee! I guess so," replies Chicken.

"Yes! That‘s right," snaps Dick Puller. "And then you will want me to give you a
bed at my house — won't you?”

"Well, yes," replies Chicken. “Maybe."

"And my daughter is a real beauty," continues Dick, "so you will want to sleep
with her - won't you?”

"Yes, sure!" exclaim‘s Chicken.

"And then," continues Dick, "you will make her pregnant, won't you?”

"Yes!" cries Chicken.

"But you won't marry her, will you?" asks Dick.

"Ah yes I will!" cries Chicken Chopper. "1 Will‘ marry her!”

"Ah no you won't." says Dick, "because I am not giving you a light!”
Jack Jerk stays out late one night and comes home at three o'clock in the
morning. He walks in the bed-room and finds his wife Jill Jerk, lying awake,
naked, in the bed.

"Where the hell have you been until three in the morning?" screams Jill,
furiously. Informing her, Jack takes off his coat and opens the bedroom closet.To
his amazement, he finds a naked man crouching on the floor.

"Who the hell is this guy?" shouts Jack.

Jill sits up m' bed and cries, "Don't change the subject!”

Three women, Betty Boobs, Lucy Legs, and Nellie Knickers, meet at an old
high-school reunion. They soon start gossiping about the men they have
married, and what they are like in bed.

"My husband, Bob," says Betty Boobs, is like a 1989 Rolls Royce - comfortable,
sizeable, powerful, and very satisfying!”

"My husband, Larry," says Lucy Legs, is like a 1970 Cadillac - still fairly
comfortable and satisfying, but lacks performance sometimes. But generally,
quite a good ride.”

"Hmm, my husband, Norbert," says Nellie Knickers, is like a vintage Model-T

Ford.”

"Really?" say the other two, staring at Nellie in amazement. "Why do you say
that?”

"Well," continues Nellie, "what I mean is — he manages to rally twice a year.

but he has to be started by hand!”

Big Bertha, the circus fat lady, marries Max the midget, and for a short time
everything seems to be going just fine. But then one day, Big Bertha arrives at
Judge Grump's divorce court wanting a divorce on the grounds that her
husband is a midget. "But surely you knew he was a midget before you married
him!" exclaims Judge Grump.

"Did you not realize the difficulties this marriage would involve?”
"How was I to know?" sobs Bertha. "Everything was great except for the sex.”

"Sex?" asks the judge. "What does his being a midget have to do with sex?”

“Well, judge," replies Big Bertha, "when we are nose to nose, his toes are in, and
when we are toes to toes, his nose is in! And when he really puts it in, he
disappears altogether - and Oh,Your Honor! I get so lonely!”

Jerry and Judy Jam are sitting at breakfast one morning when Judy sighs and
puts down her toast. "Darling," she says, "I have been thinking about that time
when you were shipwrecked. All the newspapers called you a hero because you
survived alone in the Indian Ocean for three months on a life raft.

"And yet I feel, darling," continues Judy, "that you have been hiding something
from me ever since. What happened?”

"Well, dear," replies Jerry, trying not to look like Mickey Mouse, "since you have
been so wonderful to me, I must confess I am hiding something from you! There
was a lovely girl on that raft with me. We were on that ship together when it
sank.We were the only ones that survived.”

"Aha!" cries Judy. "It was not like that, dear, " explains Jerry. "It is true, she was
a prostitute, but she saved my life! We had no food, no water - all we had was
ourselves and our will to survive.”

"I see," snaps Judy. "So what did you do?” Jerry takes a long sip from his coffee
cup and continues. "You have to understand the conditions out there, dear. We
had no food, no water. All we had was our own naked bodies.”

"You have already told me that!" interrupts Judy, sharply. "We held each other
tight," continues Jerry. "All we had was our bodies - naked under the burning
sun.”

Judy does not say a word. She just stares at him as if he is a snake.

"All right! All right!" cries Jerry, as he cracks under the strain". "You want to
know the truth? We fucked! Yes! We screwed all the time! If it had not been for
that wonderful girl, I would never have survived! Believe me — she saved my
life!” Slowly, Judy pours herself another cup of coffee. "I don't like it," she says.
"But I suppose I will have to live with it. But just one thing. Have you ever seen
her again?”
“Just once, dear," replies Jerry. "I met her in Las Vegas last summer at our sales
convention.”

"And what was she doing?" snaps Judy suspiciously. "The same thing, dear,"
replies Jerry. "Still saving lives!”

Chester Cheese, the golf-crazed golfer, is preparing one Sunday morning to go

golfing at the local golf course. "Golf ! Golf ! Golf !" nags Betty Cheese, his wife,
standing with her hands on her hips and curlers in her hair”.

"That's all you ever think about. If you ever spent a week-end with me I think I
would drop dead!”

"Look," replies Chester, putting on his golf hat. "There is no point in trying to
bribe me!”

Sir Loin Salami, the chief executive of Sir Loin Pork Sausages Incorporated,
calls his clerk, Muffin Snuffler, into the office.

"Let us get straight to the point, Snuffler," snaps Sir Loin. "Your work has been
lousy lately.

You are late every day and your accounting errors are ridiculous. You have been
working for me for fifteen years, Snuffler, but recently you don't seem to know a
pork sausage from a bunch of bananas!”

"Well, sir," replies Muffin, "I have tried not to let it affect my work, but things
have been going very badly for me at home.”

"Oh! I am sorry to hear that, Snuffler," apologizes Sir Loin. "I hope I am not
interfering, but if you tell me what is on your mind, perhaps I can help?”

"That's very kind of you, sir," sniffles Muffin. "You see, I have been married for
two years, and about six weeks ago my wife started to nag me constantly. You
know: Nag! Nag! Nag!

I just don't know what to do. She is driving me nuts!”

"Ah!" cries Sir Loin. "I am sure that I can help you. You see, Snuffler, women
need to feel that they are wanted. You have probably been neglecting her needs.
For example, when I get home from work, I embrace my wife, kiss her
passionately, remove her clothing piece by piece and carry her upstairs to bed.”

"That sounds great!" cries Muffin.

"It is, Snuffler," replies Sir Loin. "Why don't you give it a try? Take the
afternoon off; she won't be expecting you, and the element of surprise will
make it even better!”

"That is really kind of you, sir," says Muffin. "What is your address?”

Jack Jerk is watching as his wife Jill, tries on her new "Betty Boobs" brand bra.
"What the hell did you buy that thing for?" asks Jack. "You have nothing to put
into it!”

"Cool it, Jack!" snaps Jill. "Do I complain about you wearing underpants?”

Newton Hooton gets up one morning, walks into the bathroom, turns on the
tap, but it does not work. So he calls out to his wife, Helen Hooton, in the
bedroom, "Hey, honey, the water tap doesn't work!”

"Well, sweetie," calls back Helen, "you are the man in the house - you fix it!”

"Hey, I'm no plumber," replies Newton. Then he goes over to the clothes closet
to get his suit, and the door handle comes off in his hand. "Hey, Helen," shouts
Newton, "the closet door handle is broken!”

"Well, darli'g, you are the man in the house," shouts back Helen, "YOU fix it!”

"Hey, I'm no carpenter!" snaps Newton, and he goes downstairs for his
breakfast. But when he switches on the light in the kitchen, the bulb pops. "Hey,
honey," shouts out Newton. "The light is busted!”

"Well, sugar-pie," calls back Helen, "why don't you fix it?”

"Hey, I'm no electrician," shouts back Newton, and he goes off to work.
That evening, Newton comes home and sees a new light bulb in the kitchen. He
goes upstairs, and the door handle on the closet is fixed.Then he goes into the
bathroom, and the water tap works. "Hey, honey," shouts out Newton. "Who
fixed all these broken things in the house?”

"Well, baby-cakes," calls back Helen, "Burton Belch from next door must have
heard us shouting this morning, so he came over and offered to fix everything.”

"That's great, honey," shouts Newton. "But what did he want in payment?”

"Well dearie,” replies Helen, "he said I could either screw him or bake him a
cake.”

"Hey, honey," shouts Newton, "that is nice - what kind of cake did you bake
him?”

"Hey, poopsie," calls out Helen, "I'm no baker!”

Timid Teddy Toober is tired of being a wimp, so he goes to see Doctor

Feelgood, the famous psychiatrist.

"As I see it,” recommends Feelgood, "you need to be more firm, more tough at
home. Just show your wife, Big Bertha, that you are a man and not a mouse!”

"Great idea!" replies Timid Teddy. And that evening he goes home feeling like a
real man. He walks in the door and sees Big Bertha carrying the couch upstairs
by herself. "Listen. here," commands Timid Teddy. “Just put down that couch,
and from now on you are taking orders from me. First, I want my slippers, my
newspaper, and my pipe delivered to me in my easy-chair!”

Big Bertha looks at Teddy in disbelief as she slowly puts down the couch.
“Then, after you prepare supper," Teddy continues, "just go up and lay out my
evening clothes, I am going out alone tonight with the boys. And do you know
who is going to dress me in my best tuxedo and black tie?”

“Sure, I know," says Big Bertha, smiling, "the undertaker!”

There is a loud clamor of screaming and the noise of smashing dishes coming
from the Kowalski house. This goes on for fifteen minutes, when finally
Kowalski comes storming out of the house. “Ah, you'll be back!" screams Olga,
standing in the doorway waving a teapot in the air. "How long do you thln’k you
will be able to stand happiness?”
Hiram T. Horace III, the American diplomat in Paris is approached by his son,
Hiram Junior.

”Dad," asks Hiram Junior, "what does inflation mean?”

"Well, son," says Hiram Senior, "it means a general price increase.”

"Really?" asks Hiram Junior. "And what difference does that make?”

"Well, son," explains Hiram T. Horace III, "let me put it this way. Here in Paris,
before inflation, life for me was wine, restaurants and women. Since inflation,
now it is beer, eating at home and your mother!”

No matter which girl he brings home, Fagin Finkelstein finds disapproval from
his mother. He asks his friend, Herschel, for advice. "Find a girl just like your
mother, then she is bound to like her," advises Herschel. So, after much
searching, Fagin finally finds the girl. “Just like you said," he tells Herschel. "She
talks, dresses, and even looks like my mother, and just like you said, my mother
likes her.”

"So," asks Herschel, "What's happening?”

"Nothing," says Fagin', "my father hates her!”

One day at the beach, Little Albert is running round and round in the sand.

"Mummy! Mummy!" he cries. "Can I go into the sea?”

"No, not today, Albert," replies his mother, "maybe tomorrow. The sea is far too
rough and choppy now - it is too dangerous.”

"But mom," cries Little Albert, "daddy is in the sea swimming.”

"I know, dear," says his mother, "but daddy has got lots of life insurance!”

Fritz Frankfurter, the German tourist, runs into his old friend, Helmut
Hamburger - both of them vacationing on Miami Beach. They go to the
outdoor beach-bar for a gossip and a few beers. Suddenly, Fritz chokes on his
beer.

"My God!" he splutters. "Look at that fat, frumpy woman in the green bikini” -
the one jumping up and down in the sand and waving. That must be the most
disgusting sight on the whole beach. Do you think that with all that jumping up
and down and waving and leering towards me, she is trying to proposition me?”

"I don't know," says Helmut, drinking his beer. "But if you like, I will go down
there and ask her, she is my wife!”

Charlie Mildew runs into an old friend for the first time in years.

"Morton? Morton Cash, is that you?" asks Charlie. "I hear you have become
fabulously rich.”

"I can't complain'," replies Morton. "I have a townhouse in the city, a country
estate, two Ferraris, a wife and three kids, several companies, and some good
investments.”

"Sounds great," says Charlie, "but after all, What can you do that I can‘t do? We
both eat, sleep, and drink - what else is there in life?”

"You call that living?" scoffs Morton. “Me, I get up, have a huge breakfast, then
I lie on my verandah. After that I play a round of golf, and come back for a
huge lunch. After lunch, I lie on my verandah again. Later, if I feel like it, I get
my chauffeur to drive me to a cocktail party. In the evening I have a huge
dinner, lie on my verandah again, and then pop out to the theater - then come
back and lie on my verandah.”

"That's wonderful," marvels Charlie. "And all without working!”

That evening, at home, Charlie tells his wife all about Morton. When he
mentions Morton's wife and three kids, Mrs. Mildew interrupts.

“What is his wife’s name?” she asks.

“I’m not sure,” replies Charlie. “I think it’s Verandah!”

The Temperature of Marriage:

Wedding Day - one hundred degrees. Feverish.

Jimmy: "My own sweetie sugarpie.”
Judy: "My own darling honeybunch.”

One day later - fifty degrees. Hot.

Jimmy: "My own precious.”
Judy: "My own love.”

Two days later - twenty-five degrees. Warm.

Jimmy: “Dearest."
Judy: “Dearie."

Three days later - fifteen degrees. Tepid.

Jimmy: “Sweetheart."
Judy: “Dear."

Four days later — five degrees. Cool.

Jimmy: “Judith.”
Judy: “James.”

Five days later - zero degrees. Very cool.

Jimmy: “Madam!"
Judy: “Sir!"

Six' days later - below freezing. Icy.

Jimmy: “Bitch!"
Judy: “Bastard!”

On the seventh day - minus twenty degrees! Very cold.

Jimmy: "GET LOST!" - Pow!
Judy: "FUCK YOU!" - Crash!

Two days after the storm - meltdown.

Jimmy: "Oh Judy, OH! OH! OH!”
Judy: "Ah Jimmy, AH! AH! AH!”
Gilbert Gurgle, who is seventy years old, is getting married for the sixth time. As
he waits at the church door for the wedding to begin, he thinks of all the music
played at his previous marriages.
The first time, he had been twenty years old. The band played: “There’ll Be A
Hot Time In The Old Town Tonight!”

When he got married the second time, at the age of thirty, it was to the tune: “If
You’ve Got The Money, Honey, I've Got The Time.”

At forty, they played the song: "Now and Then.”

At fifty, it was: "I Don‘t Get Around Much Anymore.”

When he reached sixty, marrying the fifth time, the music was: “The Thrill Is
Gone.”

His thoughts are interrupted as the church organ starts to play. Gilbert wobbles
down the aisle to the tune of Michael Jackson's hit song, "Beat It!”

Judy comes back from her honeymoon and is gossiping with her friend, Diane.
"Well?" Diane inquires. "How was your honeymoon night?”
"Oh, Diane!" Judy exclaims. "It was horrible. All night - up and down, in and
out, up and down, in and out. Never get a room next to the elevator!”

Sally and Joan are chit-chatting over tea. Joan says, "When I married George, I
was looking for sex and good humor, and I have found them both with him.”

"Oh, really?" Sally asks.

"Yes," says Joan, "every time we have sex, it's a joke!”

Nancy Reagan is having a confidential chat with her best friend, Hester
Mindbender, next to the White House swimming pool.

"Life is terrible," sobs Nancy into her Pineapple Kool-Aid. "Ever Since Ronald
became FOUR hundred per cent impotent, there is no happiness in my life!”

"Now wait a minute," says Hester. "One hundred percent impotent is bad
enough - but FOUR hundred per cent impotent? He must be really rotten!”
"You don't understand," whines Nancy. "He's been one hundred per cent
impotent ever since John Wayne's horse kicked him in the balls, in the cowboy
movie, The Big Muddy. But last week, he fell out of his wheelchair, and broke
both his hands and bit his tongue!”

Maureen and Peggy, the wives of Paddy and Sean, are sitting in the Dainty
Dandelion pub drinking wine coolers, when Maureen shakes her head and
moans, "My husband is so ugly that if I want to make love to him, I have to put
a bag over his head.”

"That's nothing," says Peggy. "My husband is so ugly that when he was born,
the doctor slapped his mother!”

Paddy looks into his beer one night and says, "My wife is like Venus De Milo.”

"Really?" says Seamus, in‘ surprise. "You mean she has a shapely body and
stands around naked?”

"No," replies Paddy. "She's an old relic and not all there!”

"Well, in that case," says Seamus, "my wife is like Mona Lisa.”

"Why is that?" asks Paddy. "Is it because she is Italian and has a mysterious,
seductive smile?”

"No," replies Seamus. "It's because she is as flat as a canvas and belongs in a
museum!”

A landscaping crew has a large, fully-grown pine tree suspended in the air on
chains from a boom truck. Suddenly the boom moves sharply and the tree
swings around, hitting a brand new Cadillac parked by the side of the road.

Betty Cheese jumps out of the smashed car and looks at the damage. "You will
have to come with me and explain this to my husband," she says to one of the
men.

"Don't worry, lady," replies the landscaper. "My company will pay for the
damage.”
"No, you don't understand!" cries Betty. "1 want a witness to be there when I tell
Chester that I was PARKED and a tree ran into ME!”
Betty Cheese - Chester’s wife - and Miss Goodbody, the schoolteacher, go on
holiday together in Jamaica. They are lying around on the beach, thoroughly
enjoying themselves, when Miss Goodbody says, "I think I will send a postcard
to my boyfriend, Herbert.”

"That's a good idea," says Betty. "I will send one to Chester.” So the two girls
run off and buy a couple of postcards. Miss Goodbody writes on hers, "Dearest
Herbert, The place is beautiful“, wish you were here.”

Betty writes, "Dearest Chester, The place is here, wish you were beautiful!”

Doctor Snooze, the hypnotist, takes one look at his newly-arrived patient,
Herman Hiss, and cries, "My god! You look ghastly. What has been happening
to you?”

“Well, Doc," explains Herman, sprawling out on the couch. "I just got married
and my wife Hattie is so gorgeous that we make love five times every night! And
I never get any sleep.”

"I see!" says Snooze. "Well listen, I Will show you how to hypnotize yourself so
that you can just go to sleep every night. When you go to bed, you just lie down
and tell each part of your body to go to sleep, piece by piece.”

"Thanks, Doc," says Herman, "I'll try it." And he staggers home.

That night, after a large dinner, Herman goes into the bedroom, leaving Hattie
to do the washing up. Herman slips under the sheets and starts hypnotizing
himself.

"Toes!" commands Herman, "go to sleep!”

"Feet!" orders Herman, "go to sleep!”
"Legs!" directs Herman, "go to sleep!”
"Body!" yawns Herman, "go to sleep!”
"Head!" sighs Herman, "go to sleep!”

Just then the door opens and Hattie glides into the bedroom wearing a tiny see-
through nightgown. One of Herman's eyes pops open, and slowly absorbs the
gorgeous woman climbing into bed.
"Quick," he shouts. "Everybody wake up!”

Paddy is drinking a few beers in the pub, and he has a worried look on his face.
"What is the matter?" asks his friend, Seamus.

Paddy drinks down his beer and says, "I am totally afraid to go near the
highway, day or night.”

“Why?” asks Seamus, sipping his beer.

"Well," replies Paddy, "my wife just escaped with a truck driver, and every time I
hear a horn I'm afraid he is bringing her back!”

Mrs. Wimple and her little boy Willie get onto the bus in NewYork. She pays
one fare and walks off down the aisle of the bus, towing Willie by the hand.

“Just a minute, lady," says the conductor. "You will have to pay the fare for your
little boy, too.”

"But he is only three years old," protests Mrs. Wimple.

"Well," replies the conductor, "he looks more like seven to me.”
"But he can‘t be!" cries Mrs. Wimple. "I have only been married for four years.”
"Look, lady," replies the conductor, "I only want your money, not a confession!”

George Grope is fifty years old. and has spent the best years of his life with a
woman whose constant nagging and criticism has driven him mad. Now, in
poor health, and with his business on the verge of collapse, he makes up his
mind. He goes to the dining room, gets up on a chair, fastens his tie around the
chandelier, and is just about to end it all. At that moment his wife enters the
room. "George!" she cries in shock at the scene before her. "You idiot! That is
your best tie!”

Marvyn, the Hell's Angel, meets his old friend, Pigpen. "I don't see you at the
gang-bangs any more," he says "What happened?”

"I got married," says Pigpen.

"No shit, man!" says Marvyn. "Is legalized screwing any better than the regular
kind?”

"It is not even so good," replies Pigpen, "but at least you don't have to stand in
queue for it!”

An old man for the first time had come to a big city, and he was standing
amazed, looking at the high skyscrapers. And then he saw an old woman, a very
old woman, entering into a cabin. He did not understand that it was an elevator.

He watched to see what happened, and when the elevator opened again, a
young woman came out.

He said, “My god! If had known, I would have brought MY old woman with
me! This is great science.”

The Muggins family are gathered around the dinner table one evening, when
young Melvin Muggins gets up to make an announcement.

"I would like to take this opportunity," begin‘s Melvin, "to tell you all that I am
going to marry Hilda Haggard, the girl across the street.”

"What?" cries his father, Mr. Muggins. "Her family did not leave her any
money!”

"That's right!" snaps Mrs. Muggins. "And she has not saved a penny!”

"She does not know anything about football!" shouts Little Monty Muggins.

"She is weird!" cries Little Mildred Muggins. "I have never seen anyone with
such frizzy hair’!"

"That's right!" shouts Uncle Mitch. "And all she ever does is sit around all day
reading trashy novels!”

"And look at her clothes!" cries Aunty Mabel. "I have never seen such terrible
taste!”

"That's nothing!" screeches Grandma Muggins. "You should see the makeup
she paints all over her face!”
"That's all true," replies Melvin calmly, "but she has got one big advantage over
all of us.”

"Really?" everyone cries. "What is that?”

"Well," explains Melvin, "she has got no family.”

Dogski staggers home late one night after drinking about a thousand beers.
When he comes in the bedroom, he discovers his Wife lying half-naked on the
bed, and a strange man in the act of removing his pants.

"For the last time lady," says the man, thinking furiously, "if you don't pay your
gas bill right now, I'll shit on the floor!”

Doreen is talking to Mabel and Blossom over coffee one morning. "My husband
is fantastic!” she exclaims "He bought me a mink coat and a diamond
wristwatch.”

"That's nothing," snaps Mabel. "My husband has bought me a luxury sailing
boat and a speed boat.”

"My husband is poor," admits Blossom, "but he is very special. He has a prick so
long that twelve yellow canaries can stand on it side by side.”

There is long silence.

"Girls," says Doreen, "I must admit I was lying. My husband didn't buy me
those fancy things. He bought me a plastic raincoat and a cheap watch. But I'm
very happy with them.”

"Since we are telling the truth," confesses Mabel, "I should tell you that I didn't
get any fancy boats. All I got was a rowboat ride on the river.”

Doreen and Mabel look at Blossom. "Okay, okay!" says Blossom. "I'll tell you
the truth, too.

That business about twelve yellow canaries standing side by side on my

husband's prick is not true.The twelfth bird can only stand on one leg!”
Molly Mooch is weeping over her husband Marvin's coffin.
"He looks so blissful," she sobs.
"Yes, he does," agrees Mr. Koff, the undertaker.
"But there is just one thing,” sniffs Molly.
"And What is that?" asks Mr. Koff, with a concerned voice.
"Well," explains Molly, "green was never his color. I think he would have been
much happier wearing a blue suit, like that gentleman in the other coffin over
there.”
"Don't worry, Mrs. Mooch," says the undertaker, "I can fix it, if' you will just go
to the waiting room for a few minutes." Less than a minute later, Mister Koff
calls Molly back into the showroom. Sure enough, Marvin is wearing the other
man's blue suit.
"That's wonderful!" gasps Molly in admiration, "but how did you change them
so quickly?”
"I didn’t," replies Mr. Koff. "I just switched heads.”

Mildred Maxwell is surrounded by all of her sad friends as they look down into
her husband, Melvin's grave. "I'm so sorry," says Mildred's priest, Father Flab.
"What did he die of ?”
"Gonorrhoea," replies Mildred, sadly.
Then her neighbor, Peaches, comes up and says, "Oh Mildred, I'm so sorry this
happened.
What did the poor man die of ?”
"He died of gonorrhoea," says Mildred somberly.
Old Mrs. Hucksteen comes to give her condolences. "The Lord giveth, and the
Lord taketh away," says the old lady. "And now he has taken Melvin. What was
it dear, a heart attack?”
"No," says Mildred quietly “gonorrhoea."
Mildred's sister Mabel finally comes up to her. "Mildred!" whispers Mabel
tensely “What are you telling people? Melvin did not die of gonorrhoea, he died
of diarrhoea!”
"I know." says Mildred. "But I would rather people think he went out like a
playboy, and not like the shit he was!”

Donald Dickstein is about to be married and he is bragging about all the virtues
of his beautiful bride-to-be.

One of his closest friends, Albert Arse, exclaims, "You can't be serious! That girl
has screwed every guy in San Francisco!”
Donald looks at Albert for a minute. Then he says, "Ah, San Francisco isn't such
a big town!”
Larry and Lottie Loveditch, the middle-aged suburban couple, are spending
Saturday afternoon gardening. Lottie looks tense and uneasy until suddenly she
throws down her clippers, stomps over to her husband and kicks him hard on
the bum.

"What is that for?" asks a puzzled Larry.

"That is for being a lousy lover!" screams Lottie. Larry rubs his backside and
goes back to digging the weeds. Five minutes later he drops his shovel, storms
over to his Wife and kicks her into the bushes.

"You monster!" screams Lottie. "What was the reason for that?”
"That," replies Larry, "was for knowing the difference.”

On their tenth wedding anniversary, Herman and Hettie Horowitz decide to

make a trip around Europe. They fly from LA to Paris and rent a car.

A week later they are driving through the Austrian Alps when they see a small
signpost which reads: "Wishing Well - first turn left.”

Herman is a little skeptical but he follows the signpost and stops the car next to
an old, stone well. The couple get out of the car and go over to the well.

Herman leans over the well, and following the instructions he throws in a coin,
then silently makes his wish.Then Hettie does the same, but she leans too far,
loses her balance and falls head-first into the well.

"Wow!" shouts Herman, stepping back. "It really works!”

Paddy and Seamus are sitting around the "Nag and Bitch" pub, discussing their
wives.

"I have not spoken to my wife in weeks," says Seamus. "Really?" slurs Paddy.
"What is the matter, are you mad at her?”

"Hell no," replies Seamus, "I am afraid to interrupt her!”

Joe Speak-Easy, the successful lawyer, is married to a woman who nags him
constantly. She nags him about his appearance, about how much he drinks,
about how little he loves her - about almost everything. So Joe starts staying later
at his office to avoid her.

One day, after weeks of defending a client called William Wright who is on trial
for murder, Joe comes home very depressed. He has lost the case, and Wright is
to be executed that night unless the governor pardons him. As Joe enters the
house, his wife begins, "Where have you been? It's after ten o’clock."

"Ah, nag, nag, nag," he says in disgust, and goes to pour himself a drink.

"The minute you come home," snaps his wife, "you start drinking. Not even a
hello for me!”

"Ah, nag, nag, nag," sighs Joe. Then he goes upstairs for a bath, telling his Wife
that he is expecting a phone call from the governor. While he is in the bath, the
call comes - Wright has been pardoned. Joe's wife decides to tell him the good
news herself. As she enters the bathroom Joe is standing naked, bending over
the tub.

"Hey,Joe," says his Wife. "They are not hanging Wright tonight.” Joe snaps
back, nag, nag, nag!”

Rufus and Mabel, two Oregonians…

…obviously rednecks

…have just got married and are on their way back to the farm in Clarno. Their
old horse Daisy is getting slower and slower, and despite Rufus’ efforts, just
before dark old Daisy falls down dead.There is nothing to do but camp for the
night under a nearby tree.

The newlyweds snuggle under the blanket and Rufus says to Mabel, "Well, what
about it, darling?”

"What about what, dear?" replies Mabel.

"Oh, dear ...never mind," says Rufus. But shortly afterwards, he tries again.
"Well ...what about it, darling?" he stammers.
"What about WHAT?" Mabel replies.
"Ah," says Rufus, "didn't your mom ever tell you about what marriage is for?”
"I don't know what you mean, dear," replies Mabel.
"Well," says Rufus, "ah, you are a woman, and I am a man. And you see,
well ...you see a man has this thing here ...and it gives life.”

"It does?" cries Mabel. "Well, for God's sake, Rufus. Let's stick it in your poor
old Daisy, right now!”

Ruthie Finkelstein is so fed up with her husband, Moishe, that she is almost
suicidal. As if by a miracle, the very next morning she receives a chain letter.
“Hello there!” it says. “This letter was started by a woman like yourself, in the
hope of bringing relief to tired and discontented wives.

"Unlike most chain“ letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of
this letter to five of your friends who are equally fed up. Then bundle up your
husband and send him to the woman at the top of the list, and add your name
to the bottom of the list.

"When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 16,500 men.
And some of them are bound to be a hell of a lot better than the idiot you
already have. Do not break the chain". Have faith! One woman broke the chain
and got her own son-of-a-bitch back.

“At the date of writing this letter, another friend of mine received 183 men.
They buried her yesterday... but it took three undertakers thirty-six hours to get
the smile off her face!”

Three college boys go into their favorite coffee bar, only to find that their usual
table is being occupied by an old woman. After debating what to do about the
situation, they finally decide to embarrass the woman into leaving.

Sitting down next to the old lady, the first one says, "Hey guys, did you know
that I was born three months before my parents were married?”

"That's nothing," says the next one. "I was born SIX months before my parents
were married!”

"Guys," says the third, "my parents have NEVER been married!”
The little old lady finally looks up from the table and says pleasantly, "Will one
of you bastards please pass the salt?”

After ten years of marriage, Boris and Betty Bunkovitz get divorced. Betty wins
custody of their young son, Bert, and three hundred dollars a month in child
support from Boris.

On the first of every month, Betty sends Bert to Boris to pick up the money.
And every month the check is waiting. On his eighteenth birthday, Bert goes
once again to Boris. But this time, as Boris hands Bert the check, Boris says,
"Bert, when you give this check to your mother, tell her it is the last check I am
going to send her... and watch the expression on her face!”

Returning home, Bert says to Betty, "Mum, Boris told me to watch the
expression on your face when I tell you that this is your last check.”

"Is that so?" says Betty. "Then, I want you to go straight back over there and
watch the expression on Boris' face, when you tell him that he is not your
father!”

Bertie Ballsoff, the company chief, telephones his home one afternoon. The
Mexican housemaid answers. "Put my wife on the phone," booms Ballsoff.
"Senor," replies the maid, "I am sorry to tell you thees, but your wife is in the
bedroom, making love to the neighbor.”

"Now listen carefully," snaps Ballsoff. "Go into my room, open the desk drawer
and take out my loaded revolver. Then go and shoot them both!”

"But Senor!" wails the maid, "I can't do that.”

"You had better," replies Ballsoff, "or I will come home, shoot them and you
too!”

The housemaid puts the phone and returns a few minutes later. “Okay Señor, I
have done it,” she answers, “I keel them both and throw them in the pool.”
“Pool?” Says Ballsoff, “what pool? Hello! Is this the Ballsoff house?”

Wilbur Wallace II, a yuppie Wall Street broker, falls in love with a young actress.
He thinks he wants to marry her, but he decides that before proposing, he
should get a private investigating agency to check out her background and
activities. "After all," thinks Wilbur to himself, "I have a growing fortune and a
Wall Street reputation to protect.” Using a false name to conceal his identity,
Wilbur employs Mr. E.T. Pickle from “Pickle and Pepper Private Investigators,"
and a couple of weeks later, receives a confidential report on the girl. The report
states that she has a flawless reputation, and friends and family of the best
nature. "The only shadow," adds the report, "is that currently she is often seen
in the company of a third-rate Wall Street broker.”

At a special dinner and dance at the Shalom Retirement Home in Miami,

Rubin, aged eighty-two and Florrie, aged seventy-six, meet and fall in love.
They discuss their situation and decide that they can live better on two social
security checks, so they get married.

On their wedding night, they go to bed and consummate their marriage in three
hours of energetic lovemaking. As Florrie lays back in bed afterwards, she
notices that Rubin is not moving. On closer inspection, she realizes that he is
dead.

At the funeral, Florrie is standing with her friend, Ruthie, who has come along
to comfort her. "I am so sorry," says Ruthie. "What happened?”

"Nothing much," sniffs Florrie, "he came and he went.”

Old Daisy Smith dies, and shows up at the Pearly Gates. She is let in by Sam't
Peter. “You can just settle down anywhere you want," he says.

"Well," says Daisy, "I would like to be with my husband who has been dead for
many years.”

"Okay," replies Peter. "What is his name?”

“John Smith," she says.

"My God," cries Peter, "we have here hundreds of John Smiths. Is there
anything about him that would set him apart?” Daisy thinks for a while and
then says, "Yes, there is. He told me before he died that If I was ever unfaithful
to him, he would turn in his grave.”

"A-ha!" says Peter, "I know him'...He is the one we call ‘Whirling Smith’."
Teddy Bearson gets the feeling that his wife is cheating on him, so he hires Mr.
Pickle, the private detective, to follow her. Pickle has instructions to make a
video film of all his wife’s suspicious activities. A week later Pickle reports back.
"Here it is!" He says, "All the evidence in living color - and with your best
friend, too!”

Teddy and Pickle watch the movie together. Teddy's Wife and his best friend are
having lunch, swimming, dancing, walking and laughing in the countryside,
making love under the pine trees…

"I can't believe it! I just can‘t believe it!" says Teddy.

"You better believe it!" says E.T. "The evidence is all here.”

"That is not it," sighs Teddy. "I just can't believe my wife can be so much fun!”

Hymie and Becky are celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary by going
to see a movie. It is a hot, steaming, passionate film, and it arouses the animal
instincts in Becky.

When they get home that night, she snuggles up close to Hymie, but he ignores
her. "Why is it," cries Becky, "that you never make love to me like that hero in
the movie?”

"Don't be stupid," snaps Hymie. "Do you know how much they pay those guys
for doing it?!”

Hymie Goldberg takes up fishing, and much to Becky's annoyance, spends all
his spare time down at the river. One day, a man calls at the Goldberg house
and Becky answers the door.

"Good afternoon," says the man, "I am looking for Mr. Goldberg.“

"I am Mrs. Goldberg," says Becky, "can I help you?”

"I am afraid not," replies the man. "It is Fishing Club business. Can you tell me
where I can find him?"
"Certainly," snaps Becky, "just go down to the river and look for a stick with a
worm at both ends.”

To celebrate their golden wedding anniversary, Saul and Sylvia Shulman decide
to repeat the same things they did on their honeymoon. They go to the same
hotel and book in the same room. Sylvia puts on the same perfume and the
same nightgown. Just as he did on the honeymoon night, Saul goes into the
bathroom and Sylvia hears him laughing - just as he had done fifty years before.

So when he comes back Sylvia says, "Honey, it is really beautiful - everything is

the same. I can remember it as if it were yesterday. Fifty years ago, you went to
the bathroom and laughed in the same way. At the time I did not have enough
courage to ask you, but now, tell me.Why did you laugh?”

"Well, it is like this, darling," says Paul. "That night fifty years ago, when I went
to piss, I wet the ceiling. And tonight I wet my feet!”

Gloria and Barbara go out for a night on the town. After a few drinks, they go
to a disco. Sitting at a table, they are soon joined by a handsome-looking man.
The man takes Gloria onto the dance floor and they are soon shaking and
jiving. "You are looking very pale," shouts Gloria to the man as they sway
together. "You look like you have been out of the sun.”

"That's right," screams the man over the loud music. "That is because I just got
out of prison.”

"Prison?" cries Gloria. "What were you there for?”

"Well," yells the man, "I shot my wife, cut off her head and then threw her body
in the river.”

As the disco lights flash off and on and the music booms out, Gloria leans
backwards and looks over at her friend, sitting at the table.

"Barbara," she yells, "he's single.”

Moishe Finkelstein’s wife Ruthie is always complaining about his bad

performance in bed, so Moishe goes to visit his doctor. Doctor Bones prescribes
some new miracle pills that are sure to do the trick.
A month later, Moishe returns to see Doctor Bones. "The pills are fantastic,"
says Moishe, "I have been making love three times a night.”

"That's great," chuckles Bones. "And what does your wife say about your
lovemaking now?”

"Ah, I don't know," replies Moishe, "I have not been home yet.”

In the Garden of Eden, Eve is nagging Adam, as usual. "I saw you playing
around with another woman underneath the tree of knowledge last night!" she
screams.

"But Eve," says Adam, "you know that there is only you and I here in Eden!”

"Don't lie to me! I always know when you are lying!" Eve whines. "Eve, listen!
This is just a fantasy brought on by your menopause," snaps Adam
"Don't give me any psychological bullshit! I know what I saw!" Eve screams.
"Okay, okay,” says Adam,“If you don't believe me, just count my ribs.”

Mendel Kravitz comes into Doctor Bones' surgery one morning. "Doc," says
Mendel, "I think I have got the flu.”

"Very well," says Bones, "just put your tongue out and then stick your head out
of the Window.”

"What?" says Mendel, "Will that make me better?”

"Probably not," replies Bones, "but I can't stand my wife, who lives across the
street!”

Mrs. Nora Bone gets a midnight telephone call from her son, Billy, who just got
married that afternoon and is staying at the Swelling Sausage Honeymoon
Hotel.

"Mom," sobs Billy, tearfully down the phone, "we are having some problems in
the bedroom!”

"What kind of problems, Billy?" asks Nora Bone, anxiously.

"Well, Mom," moans Billy, "Nellie is lying there on the bed, naked and
breathing hard…

And, well...Gee, Mom — I don't know what to do!”

"It is quite Simple, Billy," snaps Nora Bone, in her best motherly voice, "you just
take down your pants and put the hardest part of your body in the place where
Nellie, your wife, you know… where she wee-wees!”

“Ah, I get it!" cries Billy. "Gee, thanks, Mom!" and he puts down the phone.

Mrs. Nora Bone sighs deeply, shakes her head and goes back to bed. But fifteen
minutes later, the phone rings again. This time it is Nellie Bone, her new
daughter-in-law. "What is' the matter now?" snaps Nora Bone.

"It is your son, Billy!" cries Nellie. "He has got his head stuck down the toilet!”

Paddy comes home an hour earlier than usual and finds his wife stark naked on
the bed. When he asks why, she explains, "I am protesting because I don't have
any nice clothes to wear.”

Paddy pulls open the closet door. "That's ridiculous," he says, "look in here.
There is a yellow dress, a red dress, a print dress… Hi Bill… a green dress, a
pantsuit …"

This is compassion! It is compassion to his wife, it is compassion to Bill. No

jealousy, no fight, just simply, “Hi Bill! How are you?” and he goes on.

He never even enquires, "What are you doing in my closet?” Compassion is very
understanding. It is the finest understanding that is possible to man.

Hymie Goldberg comes home from work one evening and Becky says, "Did you
go to the store and pick up the snapshots, like I asked you? You probably did
not! You never listen to me! You never remember anything! Oh! You DID get
them. Well, thank goodness for miracles. Let me see them!

“This shot is terrible and this one is even worse. My God! This one is horrible
and this one is a disaster. In fact, this is the worst lot of photographs I have ever
seen in my life.
"You can‘t do anything right! You can't drive a car properly! You can't even
change a fuse.You can't sing in tune, and as a photographer, you are the worst!
“Just take a look at these pictures! In every one you took of me, I have my
mouth open!”

Grandma Rosenbaum, aged seventy, is complaining of stomach pains to Dr.

Bones. Bones examines her thoroughly and announces his findings.

"The truth is, Mrs. Rosenbaum," he says, "you are pregnant.”

"That is impossible!" cries Grandma. "I am seventy years old, and my husband
is eighty-two.”

Bones insists that his tests are right, so Grandma Rosenbaum reaches for the
telephone and the nursing home, where Grandpa Rosenbaum is rocking in his
chair'. When he is on the line, Grandma yells out, "You old goat, you have got
me pregnant!”

"Please," says Grandpa, "who did you say is calling?”

Paddy and Sean are sitting in the pub one day talking about their wives when
Paddy looks in the distance, sighs and says, "Do you know what it means to
come home at night to a woman who will give you a little love, a little affection,
a little tenderness?”

"No," says Sean, "I am afraid I don’t."

"I will tell you what it means," replies Paddy sipping his beer, "it means you are
in the wrong bloody house.”

After Fagin and Rosa Finkelstein get married, they soon establish a household
routine that includes having sex every evening at nine-fifteen.

(THE MASTER PAUSES, LOOKS AT HIS WATCH AND DECLARES…)

There is still time!

After several weeks of this, Rosa catches flu and gets an injection that kills all
but three of the germs in her body. The trio of surviving germs holds an
emergency meeting to discuss how they might escape.
"I am moving up to the tip of her ear," says the first germ. "That flu shot will
never get me up there!”

The second germ says, "I am going to the tip of her toe!”

"You guys can go and do what you want," says the third, "but when that old
‘nine-fifteen’ pulls out tonight, I am going to be on it!”

Father Murphy is explaining the meaning of faith to his congregation. "In the
front row," he says, "we have Paddy and Maureen and their five children.
Maureen knows they are her children - that is knowledge. Paddy believes they
are his children - that is faith.”

Ruthie Finkelstein goes out to buy some shoes, wearing a miniskirt with no
underwear underneath. The shoe salesman is overcome by the sight and says to
her, "I would like to fill your pussy with ice cream and eat it all out!”

"That is the most disgusting thing anyone has ever said to me," she cries. "I am
going to tell my husband and he is going to beat you up!" Ruthie stomps home
and tells her husband Moishe, who happens to be reading his newspaper.

"Honey," he says, "I am not going to fight with that man for three reasons. First,
you have a whole closet full of shoes and we really can't afford any more.
Second, you were provoking the man by not wearing any underwear. And third,
I don't want to mess with anyone who can eat that much ice cream!”

Herschel Goldberg goes up to his father, Hymie, and says, “Dad, I want to
marry Suzy.”

"Don't marry her, my son," says Hymie. "When I was a young man, I was pretty
Wild and to put it bluntly, she is your half-sister.”

Sometime later, Herschel comes up to Hymie and says, “Dad, I am in love with
Mildred and I want to marry her.”

"You can't," says Hymie, "she is your half-sister.”

"How about Mabel?" asks Herschel, a few Weeks later.

"Sorry," says Hymie, "she is your half-sister too.”

Herschel is really determined to get married, so he goes to his mother and

complains.

"Dad says I can't marry Suzy, Mildred or Mabel because they are all my half-
sisters. What can I do?”

"Don't worry, son,” says Becky, "you marry any of them you like - he is not your
father!”

The husband and wife were having a terrible argument. Finally the wife threw
up her arms and exclaimed, "Why did I have to marry you to find out how
stupid you are?”

"You did not have to," replied the husband angrily. "You should have known it
the minute I asked you.”

Once there was an old couple who lived deep in the forest, and they never saw
anybody else. One day the old husband was walking on a lonely path when he
saw something shining on the ground. He bent down to pick it up and it was a
mirror. But he had never seen a mirror before and when he saw his own face
reflected in“ it, he thought it was his father’s face.

Obviously he had never seen his own face, but be had seen his father’s face. So
he took it home and placed it up in the attic for safekeeping, and every evening
he would go up and say good night to his father. But his wife became suspicious
about what he was doing in the attic every evening.

So one night she followed him. She saw him looking at the mirror and saying
good night to it...but she had never seen a mirror before either! So she pushed
over to him, grabbed the mirror out of his hand, looked into it and said, "You
old idiot! You mean every night you come sneaking up here just to say good
night to this ugly old woman?”

Abbie's wife has just died and he is standing over the grave and sobbing
uncontrollably. His best friend puts his arm around him' and says, "Abbie, time
is a wonderful thing. Believe it or not some day you will want to start a new life
again and be with people, maybe even get married again. Listen to me: Time
heals wounds.”

Abbie looks at him and sobs, "I know, I know...but what am I going to do
tonight?”

The old woman watches little Ernie, her grandson, eat his soup with the wrong
spoon, grasp his knife by the wrong end, eat the main course with his hands,
and pour tea into the saucer and blow on it. "Ernest, hasn’t watching your
mother and father at the dimer table" taught you any thing?" she asks. "Yes,"
replies Ernie, chewing with his mouth open, "never to get married.”

Hymie and Becky Goldberg are about to take their first flight on an airliner.
Hymie spends a while enjoying his comfortable, reclining seat and watching the
pretty stewardess walking up and down the aisle.

Next he looks out of the window and says excitedly, "Becky, look at those people
down there, they look like ants.” Becky leans over, has a look and then says,
“They ARE ants, you idiot...we haven't left the ground yet!”

Two men sitting in a bar were commiserating about married life. "I know a
man," says one, "who has been married for thirty years and he spends every
evening at home.”

"That's what I call love," says the other.

"Oh, really?" replied the first, "the doctor called it paralysis.”

The father was having a heart-to-heart talk with his son before the boy's
marriage.

"Son," he said, "I have two bits of advice for you before you get married. First,
you must tell your wife, right from the start, that you insist on spending one
night each week out with the boys.”

"And what," asked the son, "is the second bit of advice?” His father smiled and
said, "Don't waste it on the boys.”
Silverman is killed in an accident and Mendel Kravitz is sent to break the news
to his wife. "Be careful how you tell her, " advises a friend. "She is a very delicate
woman.”

Mendel knocks on the door and Mrs. Silverman comes out. "Are you the widow
of Silverman?" he asks. "Certainly not," she replies. "Want to bet?” asks
Mendel.

Hymie Goldberg comes home wearing a new hat. "My God!" says Becky,
"where did you get that hat?”

"At a clearance sale," replies Hymie.

"No wonder they wanted to clear it," says Becky, "it makes you look like an
idiot.”

"I know," says Hymie.

"Then why the hell," snaps Becky, "did you buy it?”

"I will tell you," replies Hymie. "When I put it on and looked at myself in the
mirror, I looked so stupid that to argue with the sales clerk was impossible.”

On his way home from work one day, the husband was suddenly filled with
inspiration and bought his wife a bunch of flowers. Wanting to surprise her he
knocked on the front door and waited around the corner. When his wife opened
the door, he jumped out in front of her and with a big smile handed her the
flowers. The smile froze on his face as she burst into angry tears.

"My God, what is the matter, honey?" he asked. "I have had a terrible day," she
cried. "This morning I broke the teapot, the baby has been crying all day long
and now, to top it all off, you come home drunk!”

A man went to visit an old married couple he had not seen for some time. The
old housewife greeted him at the door and the man asked, "Hello Mabel, and
how is Jack?”

"Ah, did not you hear?" said Mabel. "He died a little while ago.”
"I am very sorry to hear that, Mabel," said the man. "Tell me, how did it
happen?”

"Well," said Mabel, "he had gone into the garden to pick some vegetables for
our dinner when he just collapsed and died.”

"Good Lord," said the man, "that's simply terrible. What on earth did you do?”

"What could I do?” replied Mabel. “I opened a can of peas.”

The worried housewife is sitting in the doctor’s office. “Doctor,” she says, "I
have come to see you about my husband. We have been married for over
twenty-five years. He has been a good husband, happy, contented and very
devoted to me, but Since he came to see you about his headaches he has been a
different man.

“Now he never comes home at night, he never takes me out anymore, he never
buys me anything nor gives me any money. Hell, he never even looks at me.
Your treatment seems to have changed his entire personality.”

"Treatment?" says the doctor. "All I did was give him a prescription for a pair of
glasses.”

Unable to manage his rebellious girlfriend, Walter asked his dad how he has
dealt with similar problems.

"Well son," replied the father, "every time your mother began to act up, I would
take down her pants and spank her.”

"I tried that," said Walter, "but by the time I get my girl's pants down, I'm not
angry anymore.”

The judge looks sternly at the husband and wife. "Why don't you settle the case
out of court?" he says.

"That's what we were doing, your honor," says the wife, "until the police came.”
Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. "I did
not sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-
righteously.

"Did you?”

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?”

A woman was pregnant and went to see her genetic specialist. In order to find
out what kind of baby she was going to have.

"For one thing," said the doctor, "you are going to have twins.”

"Ah, great," said the woman, "my husband always wanted twins.”

The doctor continued, "And they are both going to be boys.”

"Ah, that's really great," said the woman. "My husband will put them both on
the baseball team.”

"And what is more," continued the doctor, "one of them will be a musician of
the stature of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.”

"Oh, no!" exclaimed the woman. "My husband hates music, especially Mozart.”

Feeling very depressed she went home and decided to break the news to her
husband very slowly. She cooked him a beautiful candle-lit dinner, and after the
first course she said softly, "Darling, I went to the genetic specialist today and he
told me that we are expecting twins.”

"That's great," said the husband. "What else did he tell you?”

"He said that they would both be boys," she said. "Oh, marvelous," he said.

"One day they can play on the baseball team.” They carried on with the meal
but after a while the husband said, "Dear, there is something else that you have
not told me. What else did the doctor say?”

"Well, darling," she answered, "I can't hide it from you.The doctor said that one
of them would be a musician with the talent of Mozart.”
"Oh, no!" screamed the husband, "How could you do this to me? You know I
hate Mozart." He then picked up a knife and in a mad fury he chased his wife
around the room. Unable to get hold of her, he picked up a candle stick from
the table and hurled it at her; it struck her on the belly.

They both froze as a small voice from inside her stomach sang, "One for the
money, two for the show, you got my brother, now go man go.”

A rich old woman whose husband has just died decides to get married. But this
time she wants to have some fun. So she advertises in the world press for a
young, strong twenty year old virgin’.

She gets thousands of replies, all accompanied by a photograph, but she is

particularly attracted to a huge, bronzed Australian from the outback. She flies
him to New York and they are married the next week.

On the wedding night, the old bride is fixing herself up in the bathroom when
she hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She opens the door to find
the huge Australian moving all the furniture to the sides of the room.

"What are you doing?" she cries. "Well," replies the man, "if' it is going to be
anything like making love to a kangaroo, we are going to need all the space we
can get!”

On her wedding night Tessa, the anxious bride, turns to her husband.
"Charles," she says, "promise me you will be gentle. I want you to know that this
is my first time.”

"What?" exclaim's Charles, "your first time? But you have already been married
three times!”.

"I know" replies Tessa, "but my first husband was a drunk, the second turned
out to be gay, and my third husband was in advertising.”

"I can understand the first two," says Charles, "but why didn't your third
husband ever make love with you?”

"Well," replies Tessa, "All he ever did was sit on the bed and tell me how great it
was going to be!”
The shy young bride is really upset when she learns that her husband has been
married twice before. Through her tears, she asks him what has become of his
two previous wives. "I may as well tell you," says her husband. "My first wife
died from eating poisonous mushrooms.”

"And your second wife?" she cries.

"She died of a fractured skull," the man answers. "It was her own fault, she
wouldn't eat the mushrooms.”

After three weeks of married life, Fagin Finkelstein makes the mistake of taking
his young wife Rosa to one of the favorite discos from his bachelor days.

Rosa gets angry, as first the coat-check girl, then the barmaid, then the waitress
- all of them pretty - welcome Fagin with great affection.

But she gets really mad when a gorgeous blonde walks up to the table, sits for a
moment in Fagin’s lap and kisses him on the cheek and says, "I will see you
another night, darling, when you are not so busy.”

Rosa gets up from the table and heads for the door, closely followed by a
protesting Fagin.They climb in a taxi with Fagin desperately trying to explain
that the past is all behind him, and he loves only her.

"Please, listen to me," pleads Fagin.

"No," shouts Rosa, "I will not.”

The taxi driver looks round and says, "She is no good, Mr. Fink. Shall we go
back and get another one?”

Hymie Goldberg is drunk again, sniffing and spluttering in the bar.

"For eighteen years," he says to his friend Moishe, "for eighteen years, me and
my wife were the happiest people in the world!”

"What happened?" asks Moishe.

"Then," sobs Hymie, "we met!”

Hymie Goldberg comes home from work one day and finds Becky in the
kitchen.

"I have been thinking it over, dear," says Hymie, "and I want you to know that I
have decided to agree with you.”

"It won't do any good," snaps Becky, "because I have just changed my mind.”

A shy young girl is about to get married, so she goes to see her very experienced
friend for some advice.

"Doris," she begins, "it may sound silly, but there are a few things I just have to
ask you.”

"That's okay," says Doris. “Just go ahead.”

"Okay," says the shy girl, "Is it all right to talk to your husband while making
love?”

"Well," says Doris, "I must admit that I have never done that, but I suppose
there is nothing wrong in it - as long as there is a telephone within reach.”

Walking down the street in New York, Hymie Goldberg said to his wife Becky,
“Hey, did you see that pretty girl smiling at me?”

"That's nothing," said Becky. "The first time I saw you I laughed out loud.”

The priest is visiting the young widow who had just moved to his parish. After
talking with her for a while he raises a questioning eyebrow and says, "Now let
me get this straight. You say you have a child of two and another three years
old, and yet you say that your husband has been dead for seven years.”

"Yes," says the woman, "but I'm not.”

A man was sitting with his best friend and told him, "My wife has escaped with
my best friend.”

The friend said, "What are you talking about? I’m your best friend.”
The man said, "Not any more.”

A man was visiting his friend George, who was in hospital dying. The friend
said, "Well, anyway George, you have lived a good life. For sure you will be
going to heaven.”

George replied, “Yes, I have lived a good life, but there is something I never told
you.”

"What is that?" asked his friend.

"Remember that time I went to Chicago on business last year? Well, I made love
with a beautiful woman there.”

Shocked, his friend replied, "I can't believe it. I mean, your wife, your kids —
did you not think about them?”

“Yes, I did," replied George, and then I thought I might as well see what heaven
is like, since I already know what hell is like.”

A husband is complaining that his Wife is a liar. "What makes you say that?"
asks his friend. "Well," says the husband, "she came home this morning and told
me she spent the night with Mary.”

"Well," replies the friend, maybe she did. How do you know she was lying?”

"How do I know?" cries the husband, "because I spent the night with Mary!”

Betty and Chester Cheese take their little boy, Cheddar, to the circus. During
the gorilla act Chester has to go to the bathroom, and while he is gone, little
Cheddar nudges his mother and says, "What is that long thing hanging down
between the gorilla's legs?”

His mother is very embarrassed and says quickly, "Oh, that's nothing, dear.”

When Chester returns, Betty goes off to buy some popcorn, and while she is
gone, little Cheddar nudges his father and says, "Daddy, what is that big thing
hanging down between the gorilla's legs?” Chester smiles and says, "That son, is
his penis.”
Cheddar looks puzzled for a moment and then says, "Then why did mummy
just say it was nothing?”

"Son," says Chester proudly, "I have spoiled that woman.”

Maurice comes home from work early one day and finds his wife in the arms of
his best friend, Max. He staggers back and says, "Max! I am married to her, so I
HAVE to do that. But you? You are a free man!”

Two men meet in a bar and strike up a conversation. After a while one of them
says, “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years
ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.

Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my

stepmother, and my father became my stepson.

Also, my wife became the mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

"Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my
half brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my
wife’s daughter, which made him’ my wife’s grandson. That made me the
grandfather of my half brother.

"This was nothing until my Wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my
mother-in-law, is also my grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law
of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife.

"I am my stepmother's brother-in-law; my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is

my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather. And you think YOU have
family problems?"

Sadie Markovitz is watching her favorite “soap” one morning when she gets a
knock on the door. "It is your husband," shouts her neighbor, "he is face down
in the swimming pool. I think he is drowned.”

"Is today Wednesday?" asks Sadie. "Yes," says her neighbor, "it is, but…"

"What time is it?" Sadie asks.

"Eleven o‘clock," replies her neighbor, “but…”

"Then don't worry about a thing," says Sadie, "the pool man will be here in an
hour!”

Old Finkelstein is seventy-five when he decides to marry a young girl of twenty.

His friends are scandalized, and one of them says, "Finkelstein, do you realize
that a man of your age having sex with a young girl could be very dangerous -
even fatal?”

The Fink considers for a while, then shrugs and says, "Oh, well, if she dies, she
dies!”

Oliver Wisk, the out-of-work actor, comes home to find his house in a shambles.
Lamps are knocked over in the living room, curtain's are torn, and in the
bedroom the bedspread is ripped and the sheets torn. On the bed lies his wife,
Olive, beaten and bruised, sobbing her heart out.

"What happened? Who did this to you?" rages Oliver. “I… I fought as long as I
could, but he was too strong," wail's Olive. “He… he… "

"Who?" rasps the furious Oliver. "Tell me and I'll find him and tear him limb
from limb.”

"It was your agent," sniffs Olive. "He came while you were out.”

"My agent?" says Oliver, brightening visibly. "Wow! Does he have a part for
me?”

Hymie Goldberg dies and goes to hell. He immediately starts giving orders and
bossing everyone around. "Stop it," says Satan. "One would think you owned
the place.”

"I do," says Hymie, "my wife gave it to me while I was on earth!”

Eunice comes home one evening with a brand-new mink coat. "Where did you
get that?" asks her husband, Bernie.
"I won it in a lottery," she replies.The following night, Eunice walks in with a
beautiful diamond bracelet. "Where did that come from?" asks Bernie. "I won it
in a lottery," says Eunice. "I'm going to another lottery party tonight, and I'm in’
a hurry. Would you mind running my bath?”

Bernie does as instructed, but when Eunice comes in to take her bath, she finds
that there is only a half-inch of water in the tub.

"Bernie," she asks, "Why didn't you fill the tub?”

"Well, darling," he answers, "I didn't want you to get your lottery ticket wet!”

Stella and Eunice are in the kitchen preparing vegetables and gossiping on a
Friday night when Eunice looks out of the window. She sees her husband,
Bernie, coming up the walkway with a bouquet of flowers.

Eunice turns to Stella and says, "Oh, no! He's bringing flowers.That means the
whole weekend I will be on my back with my legs up in the air.”

Stella replies, "What's the matter? Don't you have a vase?”

Hymie and Becky Goldberg are having a day in the country. Becky sees a lovely
place under a tree next to a small pond and points it out to Hymie.

"That's a beautiful spot for a picnic," she says.

"It must be, dear," shrugs Hymie."Fifty million mosquitoes can't be wrong.”

An airplane passenger being served drinks by the stewardess exclaims, "Hey,

here is something new - an ice cube with a hole in it!”

"What is new about that?" asks Mendel Kravitz, sitting next to him. "I married
one.”

Coming home very late one night, Adam finds Eve waiting angrily.

"Late again," she shouts, "you must be seeing some other woman.”
"That is a stupid thing to say," snaps the outraged Adam. "You know perfectly
well that you and I are quite alone in this world." Then Adam stamps off to
bed.

He is awakened by a tickling sensation on his chest. Opening his eyes, he sees

Eve hovering over him, carefully counting his ribs.

Newly married Betty Puller is admiring her next door neighbor's new mink
coat.

“How could you afford to buy such a beautiful thing?” she asks, jealously.

"You probably won't believe this," replies her neighbor, "but I saved up all the
money myself. You see I charge my husband five dollars every time we make
love.”

Young Betty is determined to get a mink coat of her own, so that night when
her husband, Dick, advances on her she pushes him away and demands five
dollars before going any further.

The aroused Dick fumbles through his trouser pockets but can only come up
with four dollars and fifty cents. "Well, for that amount you can only sample my
charms." Betty bargains.

After several minutes of extensive sampling, Betty gets very excited and knows
she will be unable to resist Dick much longer.

In a final attempt to maintain her bargaining position, she whispers in his ear,
"Say, if it is all the same to you, dear, why don't I lend you the fifty cents until
tomorrow?”

Jack Jerk completes a sales trip earlier than expected, and sends his wife, Jill, a
telegram which says. "Returning home Friday.”

Arriving home, he finds Jill in bed with a strange man. Being a person of
nonviolence, he does nothing, but later complains to his father-in-law Jim Jobs.

"I'm sure there must be an explanation." says old Jim, reassuringly. The next
day Jim is all smiles. "There is an explanation,” he says, “Jill did not get your
telegram.”
Becky Goldberg is watching the next door neighbors embracing on their front
door step one morning.

"That's the most devoted couple I have ever met,” she says to Hymie. “Every
time he goes out he kisses her. Why don't you do that?”

"Why should I?" says Hymie, reading his newspaper, "I hardly know the
woman.”

Jack Jerk is exhausted when he arrives home from work very late one night. In
order not to disturb his wife, Jill, he decides to undress in the dark. He takes off
his shorts and is just about to climb into bed when Jill sits up and says in a sleepy
voice, “Jack, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drugstore and get me a
box of aspirin"? I have a splitting headache.

"Certainly, sweetheart," says Jack, and feeling his way across the room he crawls
back into his clothes and stumbles out of the house and down the street to the
store.

"Hey, Bill, a box of aspirin for the wife," he says wearily to the pharmacist.
"Sure, sure," says the pharmacist, "but tell me, where did you get that great fire
chief ’s uniform? It's a scream.”

The husband has arrived home unexpectedly, and is staring suspiciously at a

cigar smoldering in the ashtray.

"Where did that cigar come from?" he thunders at his wife, so loud that she
hides under the bed covers.

There is a heavy silence, then from the closet a shaky voice answers, “Cuba."

Danny discovers that his wife is cheating with another guy, so he goes to the
guy's wife and tells her about it.

"I know what we will do!" she says. "Let’s take revenge on them.”

So they go to a motel and have revenge on them. She says, "Let’s have more
revenge.” So they keep having revenge and more revenge. Finally Danny says,
"That‘s enough revenge. I don't have any more hard feelings.”
As Mendel Kravitz is approaching an intersection, his car loses its brakes and
bumps into the rear of a car with “Just Married" written all over it. The damage
is slight but Mendel sincerely offers his apologies to the newlywed couple.

"Aw, don’t worry about it," replies the husband. "It has been one of those days.”

Jill Jerk is having a gossip to her friend, Joan. "I have to be very careful to avoid
pregnancy,” Jill confides.

"But hasn't Jack just had a vasectomy?" asks Joan. "Yes," replies Jill, "and that's
why I have to be careful.”

Buster Chubbs thought he had the perfect marriage, until he moved from New
York to California and discovered he still had the same milkman.

Becky Goldberg and Ruthie Finkelstein are in a restaurant one lunch-time,

having a very intense conversation. Finally Becky says, "Look Ruthie, why don't
you go to Moishe in a perfectly straightforward way and lie about the whole
thing.”

Hymie Goldberg is in the middle of a lengthy religious discussion with Boris

Babblebrain, his psychiatrist. "Now, do I understand correctly," says the shriek,
"that it was your wife, Becky, who introduced you to religion?”

"Yes, that's correct," says Hymie. "I did not really believe there was a hell until I
married her.

Hymie is drunk when he comes home. "Becky," he calls to his wife in the
bedroom, "start nagging, or else I won't be able to find the bed!”

Waking up with a terrible hangover after the office party, Paddy turns to his wife
Maureen and says, “Jesus! Would you believe, I can't remember a thing that
happened last night!”

"It's just as well,“ replies Maureen. "You got into an argument with the boss and
he fired you.”
"He did?" shouts Paddy. "After all I've done for him? Well, screw the bastard!”
"I did," says Maureen. "You go back to work tomorrow.”

Hymie Goldberg buys himself a fancy pair of Italian shoes in a Beverly Hill's
boutique, and wears them home to show them off to Becky. Becky does not
appear even to notice the new shoes, so Hymie waits until she is in bed and then
walks in, stark naked except for the shoes. Posing, he exclaims, "It is about time
you paid some attention to what my prick is pointing at!”

Looking down at the shoes, Becky replies, "It is too bad you didn't buy a hat!”

Old man Finkelstein tells Ruthie that he is going into town to apply for an old
age pension. Ruthie says, "Sam, you don't have a birth certificate; how are you
going to prove your age?”

"Don't worry Ruthie," says old man Fink and he leaves for town.

Sure enough, he is back in a few hours and reports that he will get his first check
on Monday. "So how did you prove your age?" asks Ruthie.

"Easy," says Fink, smiling, "I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed them all the
gray hair’s on my chest.”

"Well, while you were at it," snaps Ruthie, "why didn't you drop your pants and
apply for total disability?”

The young minister decides to get married. In his innocence he finds a girl who
has had much experience with men. On the wedding night he gets into his
pajamas while his wife strips naked and jumps into bed.

Kneeling beside the bed, the minister prays, "Oh God, on this great night, give
us your guidance.”

"Don't worry about that," says his Wife. “I'll give the guidance, just pray for
endurance!”
Wishing to surprise Moishe with a new Wig she has just bought, Ruthie
Finkelstein strolls unannounced into his office.

"Do you think you could find a place in your life for a woman like me?" she asks
sexily.

"Not a chance," replies Moishe. "You remind me too much of my wife.”

Fagin Finkelstein is thinking about getting married, so he writes to his father for
some advice. Moishe writes back:

"I can't tell you how happy I am to hear about your impending marriage.You
will find marriage the most wonderful state of bliss and happiness.

"As I look across the table at your dear mother, I realize with great pride how
full and wonderful our years together have been. By all means, get married.You
have our blessings.

It will be the happiest day of your life… Sincerely, Dad.

“P.S.: Your mother just left the room — stay single, you idiot.”

Hymie Goldberg rings Becky from his office. "I would like to bring young Fagin
Finkelstein home to dinner tonight," he tells her.

"To dinner tonight?" screams Becky. "You idiot, you know that the cook has just
left, I have got a cold, the baby is cutting his teeth, the furnace is broken and the
butcher won’t give us any more credit until we pay up.”

"I know, I know," Hymie interrupts quietly. "That's why I want to bring him‘ -
just to see the whole scene.The poor fool is thinking of getting married.”

Hymie Goldberg knocks on the door of the psychiatric hospital. A nurse

answers the door, and he asks whether any of the patients have escaped recently.
"Why do you want to know?" asks the nurse. "Well," says Hymie, "someone has
run off with my wife.”
The young father, taking his baby for a walk in the pram in the park, seems
quite unperturbed by the walls emerging from the pram. "Easy now, Albert," he
says quietly. "Keep calm, there's a good fellow.”

Another howl rings out. "Now, now, AIbert," murmurs the father, "keep your
temper.”

A young mother, passing by, remarks, "I must congratulate you. You certainly
know how to speak to babies.”

Then, patting the baby on the head, she coos, "What is bothering you, Albert?”

"No, no," cries the father. "His name is Jimmy; I am Albert.”

Hymie Goldberg goes to an art exhibition with Becky. Hymie is gazing

rapturously at a painting of a beautiful girl, dressed only in a fig leaf. The title
of the painting is SPRING.

"Well," snaps Becky. "what are you waiting for - autumn?”

Mendel Kravitz, all bandaged up and on crutches, meets his friend, Solly
Sapperstein. "What happened to you?" Solly asks.

"I was in‘ a train wreck," explain's Mendel. "I collected fifty grand, and my wife
collected twenty-five grand.”

"How badly hurt is your Wife?" asks Solly. “Well,” says Mendel, "actually she
wasn’t hurt at all. But even in all the excitement of the wreck I had the presence
of mind to kick her in the teeth.”

Over breakfast one morning, Becky says, "Hymie, if there was a four-minute
nuclear warning, what would you do?”

"Make love to you," answers Hymie, not looking up from his newspaper.

"Okay," says Becky, "but What about the other three minutes?”
Harry's strong-minded wife, Martha, takes him shopping to buy a pair of
trousers. "Do you want buttons or a zipper?" asks the shop assistant.

"Zipper," replies Harry, quickly.

"Very good, sir," says the assistant. "And do you want a five inch zip or a ten
inch?”

"Ten inch," Harry says before Martha can interrupt.

When they get outside, Martha is furious. "You," she says, "you and your ten
inch zip! My god, you remind me of the man who lives next door to my father.

Every morning he goes down to his garden, unlocks his garage, opens the eight-
foot double doors and then wheels out his bicycle!”

Jeff Dull is at the station seeing a train off, when he sees Dick Puller shouting at
one of the departing passengers, "Good-bye, your wife was a great lay! Your
wife was a great lay!” Jeff is stunned.

After the train pulls away, he goes over to Dick and says, "Excuse me, but did I
hear you correctly? Did you tell that man his wife was a great lay?”

Dick Puller shrugs his shoulders. "It’s not really true,“ he says, "but I didn't want
to hurt his feelings.”

Jack Jerk asks his wife, Jill, which she likes most, Christmas or sex. "Christmas,"
she says. "Why is that?" asks Jack. "Is it more romantic?“

"No," snaps Jill', "but it happens more often.”

Muffin Snuffler is having trouble at home with his wife, Mildred. So he goes to
the bar looking for his friend, Chicken Chopper.

“God, I hate my wife,” moans Muffin.“It’s just nag, nag, nag, all day long!”

"Why don't you have her murdered?" suggests Chicken. "I know a guy called
Artie who will do it for you really cheap.”
This sounds great to the desperate Muffin. So he goes off to meet Artie who
agrees to do the job for a dollar.

He asks Muffin where Mildred goes shopping, because he plans to do the

murder there. So Artie waits outside the supermarket until he sees Mildred go
in. Then he creeps up behind her and, in a deserted corner, strangles her.

When he has finished, he notices two old ladies staring at him, so he has to
strangle them too. On his way out of the market, he is caught by the store
detective and handed over to the police.

The next day the headlines in the newspapers read, "Artie Chokes Three For A
Dollar In Safeway!”

Paddy and Shaun are sitting in the pub, comparing the sexual behavior of their
wives.

"Hey," says Shaun, "does Maureen close her eyes when you are making love to
her?”

"Sure, she does," replies Paddy. "She can't stand to see me having a good time.”

One night, Hymie brings home a dozen roses for his wife, Becky. "How lovely,
dear," she says. "What is the occasion?”

"I want to make love to you," Hymie replies. "Not tonight, dear. I have a
headache," whines Becky. The next night, Hymie comes home with a big box of
chocolates, and repeats his desire to make love.

"Not tonight, sweetheart, I am awfully tired," says Becky. Every night of the
week, Hymie brings something, but each time Becky’s answer is categorically,
“No!"

Finally, one night, he comes home with six black kittens with little red balls
around their necks, and hands them to Becky. "How adorable," she exclaims.
"But what are they for?”

"They, dearest” says Hymie, are the six pallbearers for your dead pussy.”
Brickman and Horowitz are relaxing on the beach in Puerto Rico. "You know,"
says Brickman, "this Racquel Welch - what does everyone see in her? Take away
her hair, her lips, her eyes and her figure, and what have you got?”

Horowitz says, "My wife.”

Becky Goldberg is watching the local news on the TV while Hymie is reading
the newspaper.

"Darling," she says, "did you hear that? A man in New York has swapped his
wife for a season ticket to the New York Yankees. Would you do a thing like
that?”

"Hell, no," replies Hymie. "The season is half over.”

Young Ruthie, the daughter of Hymie Goldberg, is watching her mother Becky
as she tries on her new fur coat.

"Mum," she says in disgust, "do you realize how much a poor, dumb animal had
to suffer, just so you could have that coat?”

"Ruthie," snaps Becky angrily, "how dare you talk about your father like that.”

Mendel Kravitz is stark naked in front of the open window doing his morning
exercises.

His wife enters the room and calls out, "Mendel, you idiot! Draw those curtain's.
I don’t want the neighbors to think that I married you for your money.”

It was the night before the wedding, and young Herschel Goldberg is having a
drink with Moishe Finkelstein, his future father-in-law. Soon the conversation
turns to Suzie, the bride-to-be.

"Well," says Moishe, a little the worse for drink, "are you going to be a man and
do it tonight, or are you going to be a mouse and wait until tomorrow night?”

Before he can stop himself, Herschel blurts out, "I guess I am a rat, sir - I did it
last week.”
Paddy gets a little high at the party and starts to make a play for the luscious
babe playing the piano. But in his drunken fog he trips, and the piano cover
closes on his fingers. His wife, Maureen, goes over and picks him off the floor.

"Remind me to put a piece of ice on your black eye when we get home," she
says soothingly.

"But I haven't got a black eye," says Paddy. "I know," replies Maureen, "but
you're not home yet.”

Nancy Reagan comes back from her medical examination with a smile on her
face. "Why the grin?" asks Ronald Reagan with a sour face.

"Because," she boasts, "Dr. Bones told me I have the figure of a woman half my
age.”

"Oh, yeah? And what about your seventy year old ass?" snaps Ronnie.

"Come to think of it," replies Nancy, "he didn't mention you.”

The newlyweds walk up to the hotel desk and ask for a suite. "Bridal?" asks the
clerk, noticing the ‘Just Married' signs on their luggage. The young bride
blushes and says, "No thanks, I will hold his shoulders until I get used to it.”

Frank was talking to his wife Alice, while the little old lady sat in the living room,
knitting. "Now look, Alice," he whispered, "I don't want to sound harsh, but
your mother has been living with us for twenty years now. Isn't it about time she
got an apartment of her own?”

"MY mother?" gasped Alice. "I thought she was YOUR mother.”

Paddy and Seamus are talking in the pub. "My God," sighs Paddy, "I had
everything a man could want - the love of a gorgeous woman, a beautiful house,
plenty of money, fine clothes.”

"What happened?" asks Seamus.

"What happened?” replies Paddy. “Out of the blue, without any hint of
warning, my wife walked in.”

The newlywed couple flew to Miami and checked in the honeymoon hotel. For
days nothing was seen of them, until the morning of the sixth day, when they
came to the dining room for breakfast. As the waiter approached their table, the
bride turned to her husband and said, “Honey, do you know what I would like?”

“Yes, I know," he replied wearily, "but we have to eat some-time.”

Bridget and Maureen are returning from church, where the priest has just
preached a sermon on married life.

"What did you think' of the sermon?" Bridget asks.

"I wish," says Maureen, "that I knew as little about marriage as he does.”

It is a very special day in the Murphy household and Maureen comes down to
breakfast with an air of expectancy. "This is our tenth wedding anniversary" she
whispers to Paddy, who is reading the newspaper, "so let's have a chicken from
our own farm and celebrate.”

Paddy looks up and says, "Why kill an innocent bird for what happened ten
years ago?”

Sharon is supporting Seamus at the altar at their wedding, when the priest
announces that he will not perform the ceremony so long as Seamus is drunk.
"Take him' away from here," he tells Sharon, "and bring him back when he is
sober.”

But Father, wails Sharon, "he won't come when he is sober.”

Bernie has been out of town and is surprised when he gets back to find his wife,
Stella, in bed with a strange man. The stranger, naked and obviously well
satisfied, is sprawled on the bed.

"Why you son-of-a-bitch!" Bernie explodes.

"Wait, darling," cries Stella. "You know that fur coat I got last winter? This man
gave it to me. Remember the diamond necklace you like so much? This man
gave it to me. And remember when you could not afford a second car and I got
a Toyota? This man gave it to me.”

"For God's sake,” shouts Bernie,“it's drafty in here!. Cover him so he doesn’t
catch cold!”

It is Sammy and Clarissa’s twenty-fifth wedding anniversary and Clarissa says,

"Darling, you have been a very good husband over the years and I would like to
show you my appreciation. Is there anything that you would like on this special
day?”

Sammy thinks for a while and then says, "Yes, actually there is.You have always
forbidden me to look in the top drawer of your cupboard. I would really like to
see what is in there.”

Clarissa agrees and he opens it. Inside there are two eggs and about ten
thousand dollars in cash.

"What are the eggs for?" asks Sammy.

"Well," says Clarissa, "I guess it's time you should know. Every time I was
unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the drawer.”

"Twice in twenty-five years," smiles the Sammy, "that's understandable. But

what is all that money?”

"Well, darling," replies Clarissa, "Each time I had a dozen eggs, I sold them.”

Hymie Goldberg is having his first session with the psychoanalyst, Dr.
Mindbender.

"Do you cheat on your wife?" asks the shrink.

"My God," says Hymie, "who else could I cheat on?”

King Arthur, going off to the wars, orders Merlin to make a chastity belt for
Guinevere to wear while he is away. Merlin comes up with a very unusual design
- one that has a large opening in the front.

"That's ridiculous," says Arthur. "This belt wont work!”

"Yes, it will," says Merlin. And picking up a stick, he puts it into the hole.
Instantly a guillotine blade comes down and chops the stick in two.

"Fantastic!" cries Arthur. After fitting Guinevere with the belt, he rides off to
war, feeling very relaxed.

TWO years later, when Arthur comes back, the first thing he does is to line up
all of the Knights of the Round Table for a special inspection. He is furious as
he sees that every knight is missing his male member - all but one. Sir Lancelot
is unscathed.

Arthur calls him over and smiles at his best knight.

"Sir Lancelot," he declares, "you are the only one of my knights who did not
assail the chastity of my lady while I was at the wars. You have upheld the
honor of the Round Table and I am proud of you. You shall be rewarded. You
may have anything in the kingdom you desire, you just have to name it.”

Sir Lancelot says, “mmm… mmm… mmm…”

An old couple of ninety-three and ninety-five go to their lawyer for a divorce.

"A divorce!" exclaims the lawyer. "At your age, what is the point?”

"Well," says the old man, "we have been wanting a divorce for years, but we
thought we had better wait until the children have died.”

George Cohen comes home one night and starts to pack his bags. "So, where
are you going?" asks his Wife Gladys.

"To Tahiti,” replies George.”

"Tahiti?" says Gladys. "Why Tahiti?”

“Simple," replies George. “Every time you make love to a woman there, she
gives you five dollars." Then Gladys starts packing her bags.

"So where are you going?" asks George.

"I'm going to Tahiti," says Gladys.

"What for?" cries George.

"I want to see.” says Gladys,“how you're going to live on ten dollars a year.”

Ruthie Finkelstein is lying on her deathbed. "Moishe," she murmurs to her

husband sitting beside the bed, "I must make a confession before I go. The fact
is, I have been unfaithful to you.”

"I know," says Moishe quietly.

"I don't think you understand," pleads Ruthie. "What I mean is that I have been
with another man.”

“Yes, I know that," Moishe murmurs. "Not just once," continues Ruthie, "but
lots of times - in his office, in his house…”

"Yes, I know that, dear, " says Moishe soothingly.

"Even in this house, in this very bed!" cries Ruthie.

“Yes, I know" whispers Moishe. "That's why I put rat poison in your tea.”

Solly comes home at midnight and finds out that his wife, Sylvie, has been
unfaithful. He tells his friend, Mendel Kravitz, that he's going to kill her.

"Don't do that", says Mendel. "If you kill her you will go to jail' and be hanged.
It is better you should screw her to death.”

So Solly makes love to Sylvie day and night for a year. One day Mendel comes
round to visit him and is shocked to find Solly a haggard and shaking old man,
but Sylvie looks wonderful, shining with health. "How is it you are so ill and she
is so well?" asks Mendel.
"Shh, don't say anything," croaks Solly, “she does not know she is dying."

A man and a married woman are making love when her husband comes home
unexpectedly. The poor man has no choice so, naked as he is, he jumps out of
the bedroom window. Outside it is cold and raining, and a group of joggers are
running by. Having nothing better to do, he joins in.

After a while a man running next to him asks, "Hey, do you always run naked?”

"Yes," says the man as he keeps jogging along.

"And do you always wear a condom when you run?" asked the other man.

"No," he answers, "only when it is raining.”

Becky Goldberg is very sick, so Hymie calls the doctor. After examining her, the
doctor says to Hymie, "I am afraid it is bad news. Your wife has only a few
hours to live. I hope you understand there is nothing more to be done. Don’t let
yourself suffer.”

"It is all right, doc," says Hymie, "I have suffered for forty years, I can suffer a
few more hours.”

When Hymie comes back from visiting the doctor, he looks terrible. He tells
Becky that the doctor said he is going to die before the night is out. She hugs
him, and they cry a little, and Becky suggests they go to bed early to make love
one more time.

They make love until Becky falls asleep, but Hymie is frightened to sleep
because it is his last night on earth. He lies there in the dark while Becky snores.

Hymie whispers in his wife’s ear, "Becky, please, just one more time for old
times' sake.” But Becky keeps snoring.

Hymie looks at his watch, leans over to his Wife and shakes her hard, "Please
Becky, just one more time for old times' sake!”

Becky wakes up, looks at him and says, "Hymie, how can you be so selfish? It is
alright for you, but I have to get up in the morning.”
A new group of husbands has just arrived in heaven and Saint Peter is looking
them over.

“Okay,” he says,“all you men who were henpecked on the earth please step to
the left.

All those who were the boss of the house please step to the right.”

The line quickly forms on the left. Only one man, Hymie Goldberg, steps to the
right.

Seeing Hymie looking more like a mouse than a lion, Saint Peter inquires, "And
What makes you think that you belong on the right side?”

"Well," squeaks Hymie, "this is Where my wife told me to stand."


 3. CHILDREN

Have you heard the giggle of a small child? His whole body participates in it. And when YOU
laugh, it is very rare that your whole body laughs - it is just an intellectual, heady thing.

My own understanding is that laughter is far more important than any prayer, because prayer
will not relax you. On the contrary, it may make you more tense. In laughter you suddenly forget
all the conditioning, all the training, all seriousness. Suddenly you are out of it, just for a
moment. Next time you laugh, be alert about how relaxed you are.
Miss Goodbody the primary school teacher, asks her children’s art class to draw
on the blackboard their impressions of the most exciting thing they can think of.
Little Hymie gets up and draws a long jagged line.

"What is that?" asks Miss Goodbody.

"Lightning," says Hymie. "Every time I see lightning I get so excited, I scream.”

"Very good," says Miss Goodbody.

Next, little Sally draws a long wavy line. She explains that it is the sea which
always makes her excited. Miss Goodbody thinks this is excellent too.

Then little Ernie comes up to the blackboard, makes a Single dot and sits down.

"What is that?" asks the puzzled Miss Goodbody. "It is a period," says Ernie.

"Well," says Miss Goodbody, "what is so exciting about a period?”

"I don't know," says Ernie, "but my sister has missed two of them and my whole
family is excited.”

Three kids — little Hymie, little Bruce and little Ernie - are playing by a river in
northern Australia. They are swinging backwards and forwards across the river
on a rubber tire, which is hanging from a tree.

Little Bruce is flying through the air, when suddenly a crocodile leaps out of the
water and swallows him and the tire in one bite. Little Ernie and little Hymie
stand looking at the ripples in the water.

"You had better go and tell his mom," says little Ernie. "And I will go and get
another tire.”

While lecturing the Sunday School Children about hell and the nature of sin,
Father Murphy asks little Ernie, "Do you know where little boys and girls go
when they do bad things?”

"Yes," says little Ernie, "they go in the bushes.”

At the Humpty Dumpty Elementary School, one afternoon, Miss Tickletit, the
teacher, gives the children their final assignment for the day.

"Now, boys and girls," she says sweetly, "I want you to open your notebooks,
pick up your pencils, and write a beautiful story beginning with the words: If I
had five million dollars…”

All the little kids begin writing feverishly, except for Little Albert who continues
to do what he has been doing all afternoon - looking out of the Window
watching the little girls doing gymnastics.

Miss Tickletit sees Albert, and calls out, "Albert! Everybody else is writing, why
don't you do your work?”

"What!?" replies Albert, lighting up a cigarette. "WORK? With five million

bucks?”

The Village priest approaches a group of small boys sitting in a circle around a
dog. When he comes up to them, he asks, "What are you doing to the dog?”

Little Ernie answers, "Whoever tells the biggest lie, wins the dog.”

"Oh, dear!" exclaim's the priest, "I'm surprised at you boys. When I was young
like you, I never told a lie.”

There is silence for a while, until little Ernie shouts out, "Okay, give him the
dog!”

Elmer, aged nine, was puzzled over the girl problem and discussed it with his
friend, Ernie. "I've walked her to school three times," said Elmer, "and carried
her books, and I have bought her an ice cream twice. Now, do you think I ought
to kiss her?”

"No, you don't need to," said Ernie. "You have already done enough for that
girl.”

Children have a beauty, and they have an insight which, as you grow old you
lose.
One evening, Basil and Bambina Butt are making love in their bedroom when
the door opens, and in walks their six-year-old son, Billy.

Basil freezes in midair in his missionary position. He turns and sees little Billy
dressed up in full cowboy gear - hat, boots with spurs, six-shooter pistol, a big
whip, and everything.

"What is going on, Billy?" grunts Basil Butt. "What are you doing here dressed
like that?”

"Hey, Dad," shouts Billy, excitedly, "can I ride on your back like a bucking bull,
while you screw Mom?" Basil is shocked, but is beyond the point of no return,
so he asks Bambina.

"Yes! Yes!" gasps Bambina. “Quick! Climb on, Billy! And Basil, let's get going!”

So the love making increases in intensity, and little Billy is getting bounced
around like a bull rider at a Wild West show.

"Yaa-Hoo!" shouts Billy, digging his spurs into his dad's ass. "Ride 'em,
cowboy!”

All this drives Basil into a mad, passionate frenzy, and Bambina starts moaning
and making all kinds of animal noises.

Bill'y is whipping his dad, urging him on, until the bucking gets so wild, that
Billy throws down his whip, and hangs onto his father's hair for dear life.

At this point, Billy leans down close to his father's ear, and whispers, "Hold on
tight, Dad! This is where me and the postman usually get thrown off !”

Sexy Miss Thornbum, the primary school teacher, wiggles into the classroom
one morning.

"Now, children," she announces, today, we are going to start a whole new and
exciting subject called Sex Education!”

There is a loud cheering from the boys, and excited squealing from the girls as
Miss Thornbum claps her hands to restore order.
"Settle down. children!" shouts Miss Thornbum. "Soon, you little boys will be
getting interested in some little girls, and some of you little girls will have your
little eyes on some little boys.”

Suddenly, Little Albert interrupts. "Hey, Miss Thornbum!" he shouts. "And for
us little guys who are already screwing - can we go out and play football?”

Little Albert is cruising around the house in his pajamas looking for some
excitement, so he decides to go to his six-year-old sister's room. "Hey, Susie!"
shouts Albert, knocking on her bedroom door, "what is happening, Baby?”

"You cannot come in!" cries Susie. "I am in my nightgown, and Mommie says it
is naughty for boys to see girls in their nighties.”

"Okay," says Little Albert, as he walks away. "Have it your way.”

A few seconds later, Susie calls out, "You can come in now. I have taken it off.”

Little Albert comes running in the Village store and races up to the counter.

"Hey, mister," he cries to old Jock, the owner.

"My dad was fixing the roof when the ladder slipped from under him! Now he
is hanging by his fingers from an upstairs window ledge!”

"Well, son," says old Jock, "you have come to the wrong place! You want the
police station across the road - and hurry!”

"No," says Albert, "you don't understand. I want some more film for my
camera!”

The new priest in the Village, young Father Fever, is coming to visit the
Sidebottom household. So little Sally's mother gives her daughter some
instructions.

"If the new priest asks you your name," says Mrs. Sidebottom, "say Sally-Jane.
And if he asks you how old you are, say you are seven years old. And if he asks
you who made you, say, ‘God made me.’ Can you remember all that?”
"I think so," says Sally. A few minutes later, young Father Fever arrives, puts
down his hat and his Bible, and walks up to little Sally. He pats her on the head
and says, "I am Father Fever, your new priest. And what is your name, little
girl?”

"Sally-Jane," replies Sally. "And how old are you, Sally-Jane?" asks the priest.

"Seven years old," replies Sally. "Well, that is nice," says Fever. "And do you
know who made you, Sally Jane?”

Little Sally hesitates for a moment, and then says, "Shit! Mom did tell me, but I
have forgotten the guy's name!”

It is little Albert's first day at school, and as soon as his mother brings him to the
classroom and leaves, Albert bursts into tears.

Despite the combined efforts of Miss Mammary, his teacher, Mr. Smelly, the
principal, Miss Needle, the school nurse and even Leroy, the janitor, Albert just
goes on crying and crying.

Finally, just before lunch-time, Miss Mammary gets fed up. "For heaven‘s sake,
child," she shouts. “Just shut up! It is lunchtime now and in a couple more hours
you will go home and see your mommy again!”

At once, Albert stops crying. “Jesus Christ!” he exclaims. "I thought I had to stay
here until I was sixteen!”

When Little Ernie gets into mischief, his mother tries to discipline him by
saying, “God would not like that!" And when Ernie gets really out of hand, his
mother says, "God Will' be angry!” But one evening at the dinner table, Ernie
takes one look at the plate of prunes put in front of him“ and says, "YUCK! I'm
not going to eat these wrinkled old black things!”

"Ernie!" says his mother. "God would not like that!”

"I don't care," snaps Ernie. "I am NOT going to eat them!”

"ERNEST!" threatens his mother, "God will be angry.”

"AH!" shouts Ernie. "FUCK God!" At this, his mother sends him up to his
bedroom.

A few minutes later, a violent thunderstorm blows up and shakes the roof and
rattles the walls. Ernie's mother goes upstairs to remind him about God's anger.
But to her surprise, she finds Ernie looking out of the window at the terrible
storm.

"You see, Ernie," exclaims his mother. "This is what happens when you make
God angry!”

"Well," replies Ernie, "if you ask me, it is a lot of fuss to make over a plate of
prunes!”

Little Ernie is doing his homework one evening and has a problem. "Dad," he
says, "What is the difference between ‘anger' and ‘exasperation’?"

"Well, son," says his father, "I will give you a practical demonstration.”

His dad then goes to the phone and dials a random number.

"Hello," comes a voice at the other end.

"Hello," says Ernie's father. "Is Melvin there?”

"There is no one called Melvin here!" comes the reply. "Why don't you learn to
look up numbers before you dial them?”

"You see?" says Ernie's father. "That man was not at all happy with our call. But
watch this!”

He then dials the same number again, and says, "Hello, is Melvin there?”

"Now look here!" comes the angry reply. "I TOLD you there is no Melvin here!
You have got a lot of nerve calling again!" And then he slams down the receiver.

“Did you hear that?” asks Ernie's father. "THAT was anger. Now, I will show
you what exasperation is!”
He picks up the phone and dials the same number again, and when a violent
voice shouts, "HELLO!", Ernie's father says, "Hello! This is Melvin. Have there
been any calls for me?”

Jack and Jill Jerk are sitting in their living room one evening, talking about the
future of their young son, George.

“Gee, Jack," says Jill, "I wonder what Little George will grow up to be.”

"I know how we can find out," says Jack. "Watch this." And Jack pulls a ten-
dollar bill out of his pocket, setting it on the table.

"If he takes this money," says Jack smiling, "then he will grow up to be a
banker.” Then Jack takes a dusty old Bible off the bookshelf and sets it on the
table next to the money.

"Now," says Jack excitedly, "if he takes the Bible, for sure he will grow up to be a
great TV evangelist like Jimmy Bakker!”

Next, Jack pulls out a bottle of whiskey from the cabinet and sets it on the table
alongside the other items.

"And," says Jack seriously, "if he goes for this whiskey bottle, then he will just
turn out to be a bum!”

Quietly, Jack and Jill Jerk go and hide in the next room when they hear little
George coming in.

George is whistling happily when he suddenly sees all the articles sitting on the
table.

He looks around to make sure that he is alone, and then he walks over and picks
up the ten dollar bill. He holds it up to the light and fingers it gently. Then he
puts it down, and picks up the Bible. He blows the dust off and thumbs through
a few pages, and puts it back down.

Little George looks around again, then he quickly uncorks the whiskey bottle
and sniffs the contents. Suddenly, in one motion, he stuffs the money in his
pocket, sticks the Bible under his arm, grabs the whiskey bottle by the neck and
walks out of the room, whistling.
"My goodness," says Jill Jerk, "what does that mean he will grow up to be?”

"Ah!" cries Jack, "it means he is going to be a politician!”

Miss Goodbody says to her class one afternoon, "Okay, children, the one who
gives me the right answer to the next question may go home right away.”

Immediately, little Albert throws his schoolbag out of the window.

"Who did that?" snaps Miss Goodbody, angrily.

"I did!" says Albert. "See you tomorrow!”

Uncle Newton comes over to Little Ernie’s house a few days after Christmas.
“Thanks for the new drum-set you gave me," says Little Ernie to his uncle. "It is
the best present I have ever had.”

"Really?" says Uncle Newton. "I am very pleased you like it.”

"Yeah," exclaims Ernie, "and I'm getting rich already!”

"Really?" asks Uncle Newton. "Rich? Are you becoming a professional?”

"Kind of," replies Ernie. "You see, my mom pays me a dollar a day not to play
those drums during the day, and Grandpa pays me ten dollars a week not to
play them at night!”

Little Eggbert has a nasty habit of cursing and swearing, and his parents cannot
seem to do anything with him. One day, Father Fungus comes for tea.

Little Eggbert comes up to the priest and says, "More fucking tea, Father?”

Father Fungus is shocked, so he suggests that his parents send Eggbert to see
Doctor Feelgood, the psychiatrist.

"Tell me, Eggbert," says the shrink, "what would you like most in the world?”

"Wow! I would like a god-damned rabbit!" cries Eggbert.

"Okay," says Feelgood, "your mom and dad will get you a rabbit if you promise
not to swear again'. Is it a deal?”

"Sure, Mr. Shrink, sir!" exclaim's Eggbert. "It‘s a deal!”

So Eggbert gets his rabbit, and for two weeks all is peaceful around the house.
Then one day, Sunday morning, Father Fungus comes for tea.

"I hear you have a pet rabbit now, Eggbert," says the priest. "Can I see it?”

"Sure," says Eggbert, and runs out in the garden to get his pet. But just as he
brings it in the room, the rabbit starts to give birth to an enormous bunch of
baby rabbits.

Eggbert watches in horror for a moment, then puts the mother rabbit on the
ground, looks at the priest and cries, "Holy Shit! The fucking thing is falling
apart!”

It is another day at the elementary school and Mr. Smell, the teacher, is giving
the class a test before he lets them go home.

“Now, Albert," says Smell, "can you give me the names of three fruits?”

"No," says Albert, looking out of the window, "I don't eat fruit.”

"Okay, smart-ass," snaps Smell, "for that you can stay after class and do extra
homework.”

But after class, Smell calls Albert over and makes a deal with him.

“Listen, Albert," he says, "if you take this letter to your sister, Ruby, I will let you
go home, and you can tell me the three fruits tomorrow.”

"Okay," shrugs Albert, taking the letter. But on his way home, he sneaks a look
inside the letter and it reads: "Ruby, meet me at five o'clock behind the church.”

So Albert delivers the letter to Ruby, his sister, and then at five o'clock he waits
behind the church, and watches the secret meeting.

The next day in school Mr. Smell asks, “Okay, Albert, can you recite a sentence
with three fruits in it?”
"Sure," says Albert. "If I catch you one more time putting your fat BANANA
into my sister’s PEACH, I'm going to kick you in your little pink PLUMS!”

The third-grade teacher calls on Little Ernie and says, "Can you use the word
‘beautiful” twice in the same sentence?”

"Oh, sure," replies Ernie. "Um...Yesterday, my sister came home, told my father
that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful, fucking beautiful’!’"

Little Ernie walks into his parents bedroom and sees his father putting on a
condom. "Hey, Dad," says Little Ernie. "What are you doing?”

"Uh, er...I am going out to hunt rabbits," stammers his embarrassed father.
"Really?" says Ernie. "What are you going to do when you find them, Dad?
Fuck them?”

Little Ernie and Little Sally are discussing what big boys and girls do together
when they are alone at night.

"What do you THINK they do?" asks Sally.

"I'm not sure," replies Ernie. "But I know a way of finding out. Tonight, when
my sister Suzy takes her boyfriend Herbert into the sitting room, I will hide
behind the curtains and watch them.”

"Great idea!" says Little Sally. "Then you can tell me all about it tomorrow.”

The next morning, the two little kids meet. "Sally!" cries Little Ernie. excitedly.
"You won't believe what happened last night. I was playing behind the sofa,
when my sister, Suzy, and her boyfriend, Herbert, came home. They sat on the
sofa and did not know I was there.

"They talked for a while, then Herbert turned off most of the lights. Suzy must
have been cold, because he put his arms around her back and blew hot breath
on her neck.

"I guessed she must have been feeling sick, because her face looked funny. He
must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her
heart - just like the doctor. Except he is not as smart as the doctor, because he
seemed to have trouble finding it! "I guess he was feeling sick too, because pretty
soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand
must have been pretty cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time,
Suzy got worse and began to moan and groan and started squirming around
and slid down to the end of the sofa.

"This is when the FEVER started! I know it was a fever because Suzy told
Herbert she was getting REALLY hot. "Finally, I found out what was making
them sick. A big snake jumped out of Herbert’s pants, and stood there - it was
about ten inches long! It was incredible! Suzy got really scared. Her eyes got big
and her mouth fell open and she started saying, ‘MY GOD!’ and stuff like that.
She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen!

"Anyway, Suzy got braver and tried to kill it by biting its head off ! I guess it bit
her back, because suddenly she made a noise and let go. Then she grabbed it
with both hands and held it tight while Herbert took a plastic muzzle from his
pocket and put it over the snake's head to keep it from biting again’.

"Then Suzy and Herbert lay back on the sofa and tried to squash the snake
between them. But the snake put up a hell of a fight. They both started
groaning and squealing and almost turned over the sofa! And after a long
struggle they finally stopped and gave a big sigh.

"When Herbert got up, I could tell that the snake was dead. It was all limp and
just hanging there.You know, Sally, I think they are the bravest people I know.”

"Why is that?" asks Sally.

"Because," replies Ernie, "as Herbert was leaving, he and Suzy decided to do
the same thing again next week!”

At the end of the Sunday school class, the teacher, Miss Holynose, turns to the
kids and says, "Now, how many of you children would like to go to heaven?”
Everybody shoots up their hand, except for one little girl. "Come on, Sally," says
Miss Holynose. "Don't you want to go to heaven?”

"Sure I want to go to heaven," replies Sally looking around. "But not with these
guys!”

Little Ernie swaggers in the bar and shouts to the shapely barmaid, "Gimme a
triple scotch on the rocks!”
"Hey, kid," says the barmaid. "You don't look to be more than seven years old.
Do you want to get me into trouble or something?”

"Maybe later," says Ernie. "Right now I just want the scotch!”

Little Albert's Uncle Tony owns a sex shop and every day after school, Little
Albert drops by to visit him.

One afternoon, Albert walks through the door and Uncle Tony says, “Hi kid.
Can you look after the store for a few minutes while I run out to the post
office?”

"Sure, Uncle," replies Albert, and sets his school things on the counter. Tony
leaves and a few minutes later, three nuns walk in. The nuns are a little
embarrassed to see a kid running the store, but they are desperate.

"How much for that big, pink dildo?" whispers the first nun. "Ten dollars,"
replies Little Albert, confidently. "Batteries not included.”

"I will take it," says the nun, as she is pushed aside by the next nun.

"How much for that huge, bright purple one?" whispers the second nun.

"Twenty dollars," replies Albert. "Batteries not included.”

"I will take it, sonny," snaps the second nun. "And put it in a plain brown
wrapper.”

Then the third nun looks around nervously and says, "Sonny, how much for that
big black and red plaid one?”

"That one is not for sale," says Albert.

"Come on kid!" snaps the nun. "I will pay ANY price for that big one.”

"Okay, lady," says Albert. "Fifty dollars!”

"I will take it," says the nun, and the three of them leave the shop. A few
minutes later, Uncle Tony comes back from the post office. "How did it go?" he
asks. "Any business?”
"Sure, Uncle Tony," says Little Albert. "Three nuns came in and I sold the first
one a dildo for ten dollars. The second nun bought one for twenty dollars. And
you won't believe this,” continues Albert. "The last nun paid fifty dollars for my
thermos bottle!”

Wanting to save money on their honeymoon, Bunny and Bonker Boom decide
to spend the first nights of their new marriage at the home of Bunny's parents,
Bob and Betty Bog.

Three days go by, and Bunny's younger brother, little Bippo, is playing in his
bedroom with his toy airplanes and listening at the wall to all the strange noises
coming from Bunny and Bonker's room. Curious, little Bippo comes downstairs
and finds his mother.

"Hey, Mom," asks Bippo, playing with his model plane, "how come Bunny and
Bonker have not left their room for three days? They don't even come down for
meals!”

"It is none of your business!" replies his mother. So Bippo shrugs his shoulders
and trots out of the room playing with his airplane. A few more days pass, and
even Bippo's mother begins to worry, too. So she creeps upstairs and peeks
through the keyhole of the young couple's room.To her horror, she sees Bunny
sitting on top of Bonker, and Bonker is trying with all his might, to push Bunny
off.

"It is no good," cries Bonker. "I still can't move!” Just then, Bippo‘s mom hears a
noise coming from the bathroom, so she rushes down the corridor to see what is
going on. But all she finds is little Bippo searching through all the shelves and
cupboards in the bathroom. "What are you looking for?" asks his mother.

“Just my airplane glue," replies Bippo. "I was keeping it in the Vaseline jar!”

Little Alice is walking down the beach one day when she sees Chester Cheese
lying on the sand with only a newspaper covering his machinery.

Little Alice looks at the snoozing Chester for a while, with great curiosity.
Finally, unable to resist, she shakes Chester awake and says, "Hey, mister.What is
that thing moving underneath your newspaper?”
Chester, groggy and blinking his eyes, looks at Little Alice and mumbles, "Oh,
that is my pet bird." Chester falls back asleep while Alice stands there and
watches the mysterious, moving newspaper.

Finally, she cannot wait any longer, so she goes up to Chester and peeks under
the newspaper.

The next thing Chester knows, he wakes up in hospital with his machinery in
bandages, and in' terrible pam’.

"What happened?" he moans to the nurse.

"Perhaps," replies the nurse. "you should ask this little girl. She came in with
you.”

Chester looks at Little Alice. "So?" he asks. "What happened?”

"Well," says Alice firmly. "I decided to take a look at your pet bird, but as soon
as I lifted up the newspaper and started to play with him, he jumped up and
spat at me. So I grabbed him, twisted his neck, crushed his eggs, and stomped
on his nest!”

Little Albert goes to stay with his grandparents at their house in the country.
Grandpa and Albert decide to go fishing early next morning, and they sleep
together in the same bed so that they will not disturb Grandma when they get
up.

In the middle of the night, Grandpa wakes up, and shakes Little Albert.

"Albert!" he cries, excitedly. "Quick! Go and get your grandma. I have got an
erection! My first one for twenty-one years!”

"Relax, Grandpa," says Albert, sleepily, "that's my prick you are holding!”

Little Ernie is at the zoo with his teacher, Miss Goodbody, and the entire class.
They are tourin'g around when Ernie sees a deer peacefully grazing on some
grass. "Ernie, can you tell us the name of that animal?" asks Miss Goodbody,
pointing to the deer.

"Well," says Ernie, "I think it is a… I guess it is a…”

"Let me give you a hint," interrupts Miss Goodbody. "What does your mother
call your father every morning?”

"Oh, right!" shouts Ernie. "It is an asshole!”

Little Albert's mother cannot bring herself to tell the little boy that his dog,
Laddy, has just been run over by a car and killed. When Albert comes home
from school she talks of other things for a few minutes, but finally, she says,
"Albert, listen. Laddy has been run over and kill'ed by an automobile.”

"Oh!" says Albert, and goes out to play, whistling.

At dinner, little Albert asks, "Hey, Mom, where is Laddy?”

"Darling," says his mother, "I told you this afternoon, Laddy has been killed by a
car.” Suddenly, Albert bursts into tears. "But Albert," cries his mother, "when I
told you this afternoon, it did not seem to bother you.”

"No," sniffs Albert, "it didn't - because I thought you said Daddy!”

Little Ernie and his mother are walking through the park one day when little
Ernie sees a large, pregnant woman walk by. "Hey, mom!" says Ernie. "How did
that lady get such a big belly?” Ernie‘s mother becomes a bit flustered. "Well,
dear," she says, "she got that way from eating too much chocolate.”

"Really?" says Ernie with surprise. Later, waiting at the bus stop, Ernie sees the
same pregnant woman standing next to him. "Hey, lady," says Ernie, poking her
belly. "I know what you've been doing! Isn't it far out?”

Three little babies are being pushed in trolleys through the supermarket, while
their mothers do the shopping.

"Ah God!" gurgles baby Gilbert. "Do you see that? She's buying canned baby
food. I hate that stuff !”

"Oh no!" squeaks baby Sally. "Mine is buying spinach. That stuff is disgusting!”

“Jesus Christ!" cries baby Boris, seeing his mother and one of her boyfriends at
the liquor counter. "You guys don't have anything to complain about. My
mother wakes me up at four o'clock in the morning, pushes a cold wet tit into
my mouth, and it always tastes of cigarettes and cheap brandy!”

Little Ernie comes back from the movies. "What did you see?" asks his mom.

"Linda Lovelace's ‘DeepThroat'," replies Ernie casually. "It was quite good.“

"My God!" cries Ernie's mother. "You saw ‘ Deep Throat'? But that is an X-
rated movie!”

"Well, so what?" says Ernie. "They are all the same. In the G-rated movie, the
good guy gets the girl; in the R-rated movie, the bad guy gets the girl; and in the
X-rated movie, everybody gets the girl!”

Little Gertrude is walking around the garden with her father. "What are those
two insects doing, Daddy?" she asks.

"Well," mumbles her father, "you remember what I told you about the birds and
the bees? That's what they are doing.”

"But they are not birds and bees," protests Gertrude. "I know"' says her father,
"they are called Daddy Long Legs.”

"Oh!" says Gertrude, thinking for a While. "So that means," she continues, "that
the one underneath is a Mommy Long Legs, and the one on top is Daddy Long
Legs.”

"No, it's not quite like that, dear," replies her father, "they are both Daddy Long
Legs.”

Gertrude thinks again for a moment, and then stomps on the insects. "Why did
you do that?" asks her surprised father.

"Why?" snaps Gertrude. "I'm not having THAT sort of thing in MY garden!”

Miss Goodbody is teaching sex education to her ninth-grade class. Sitting in the
back of the room, reading Playboy and smoking a cigarette, is Newton Hooton’s
kid, Wise-guy Willy. "Class," begin's Miss Goodbody, shakily, "today we will
discuss sexual intercourse.”
Wise-guy Willy puts down his magazine, smiles, and winks at Miss Goodbody.

"Uh...there are eight basic positions for sexual intercourse," Miss Goodbody
says nervously. "Nine," comes Willy's voice from the back.

Flustered and blushing, Miss Goodbody begins again. "There are eight basic
positions for sexual intercourse," she stammers.

"Nine," interrupts Willy, again. This time Miss Goodbody takes a deep breath
and continues, "The first is called the missionary position: the man is on top of
the woman and facing her…"

"Aha!" says Willy winking again, “ten!"

Little Rufus has been playing in the woods all day. Suddenly, he realizes that he
is lost and that it is late. He hunts around for a way out, but finally gives up.
Kneeling on the ground, he holds out his hands.

"Please, God," Rufus prays, "I am lost. Please show me the way out of here.”

Just then a little bird flies overhead and drops a load of shit on his outstretched
hands. Little Rufus examines it closely and then goes back to praying.

"Oh! Please, God!" he says. "I really AM lost, so don't hand me that shit!”

One morning, Miss Goodbody, the fifth grade teacher, asks the class what the
best kind of business is.

"Real estate," says little Ernie, "because everybody needs somewhere to live, and
houses always increase in value.”

"Oil!" exclaim's little Albert, "because cars always need petrol.”

"No," says little Peggy Sue, from the back of the room. "The best business in the
world is prostitution.”

"What!" cries Miss Goodbody, shocked. "Peggy Sue, how can you say such a
thing?”
"Easy," replies Peggy Sue, "because it is the only business where you have it, you
sell it, and you still have it.”

Miss Prisspuss, the school math teacher, is trying to teach little Albert how to
subtract. "Now, Albert," says Miss Prisspuss. "If your father earns one thousand
dollars per week, and if' they deduct one hundred dollars for insurance, and
fifty-seven dollars for social security, and ninety-five dollars for taxes, and then if
he gives your mother half, what would she have?”

Albert looks at Miss Prisspuss and says, "A heart attack!”

Little Melvin, little Billy and little Dings-bums are bored, sitting around together
outside the drugstore. Suddenly, little Melvin finds a twenty-dollar bill on the
ground.

"Hey, look!“ he says. “Let‘s go in and change it and then each of us can buy
something really far out!”

They go in and change the money, divide it up and disappear into the store to
spend it.

Half an hour later, they meet again outside.

"What did you get?" Melvin asks Billy.

"I got this super basketball, so we can all play basketball like those guys on TV,”
says Billy.

"What did YOU get?”

"Wow, man," says Melvin, "just like I saw on the TV, I got this skateboard so we
can skate all over the place." Then they turn to Dings-bums. "What did YOU
get?”

Dings-bums pulls out a box from his bag and says, "A box of tampons.”

Melvin and Billy look puzzled. Finally, little Melvin asks, "What the hell did you
get that for?”
"Well," says Dings-bums, "they say on television, that with these tampons you
can do all kinds of things - like running horse-riding, and swimming!”

Little Ernie's parents have invited the local Protestant priest and his wife to tea.
Ernie has been told to be on his best behavior, and to say "Please" and "Thank
you" at all times. But Ernie is having trouble, and by the end of the afternoon is
almost ready to burst. "Would you like some more tea, Ernest?" asks his mother.

"No!" says Ernie. "No WHAT, dear?" asks his mother, with a threatening look.
She prompts him' again', “No WHAT?”

To which Ernie replies, "No more fucking tea!”

Little Ernie says to his mother, "Mom, do dogs have spare parts?”

"Don't be silly," replies his mother, "how on earth could dogs have spare parts?
They are alive.”

"Well, then," says Ernie, "why did Dad tell Uncle Joe that when you go to visit
your sister next week he is going to screw the ass off the bitch next door?”

Little Ernie is walking downstairs behind his grandfather one morning.

"Grandad," he says, "are you still growing?”

"Why do you ask, kid?" inquires his grandad.

"Well," replies Ernie, "the top of your head is coming through your hair!”

Little Felix is having a test from a child psychologist. "Now, Felix," says the
shrink", "what do you want to be when you grow up?”

"I want to be a doctor, an artist, or a window cleaner," replies Felix. "I see," says
the puzzled shrink, "you're not very clear about it, are you?”

"What?" says Felix. "I am perfectly clear. I want to see naked women!”
One morning at the breakfast table, little Ernie says to his mother, "Mummy,
yesterday when you were at work, Daddy took the maid upstairs to the bedroom
and…"

His mother interrupts him and says, "Ernie, tonight at dinner time I want you to
tell this whole story when your father is here.” So that night at dinner his
mother says, "Now Ernie, dear, I want you to repeat what you told me this
morning.”

"Well," says Ernie, "when you were at work, Daddy took the maid up to the
bedroom and did the same thing you and the milkman did last week.”

Little Ernie stands up in class one morning, waves his arm and says, "Miss
Goodbody, I won't be in school next Friday because of my father’s funeral.”

"My god!" exclaim's Miss Goodbody," what happened?”

"Well," says Ernie, "he tried to hammer a nail into the wall and hit his finger.”

"But he couldn't die from that," says Miss Goodbody. "I know," replies Ernie,
"but he kept on howling like a mad dog, so we had to shoot him."

Miss Goodbody's class goes for a picnic in the woods. After all the kids have
drunk lots of lemonade, several of the girls go into the bushes to pee, where they
have trouble with the brambles and the nettles.

Little Ernie walks in amongst them, pulls out his pecker and pees without any
trouble. "Wow!" says little Sally, really impressed, "that's a handy thing to bring
on a picnic!”

After returning from church one Sunday with his parents, little Ernie surprises
them by saying, "I think I might be a preacher when I grow up.”

"That‘s fine," says his mother, "but what gave you that idea?”

"Well," replies little Ernie, "if I have to go to church anyway it would be more
fun to stand up and yell than sit still and listen.”
The fire and brimstone fundamentalist is ranting and raving before his
congregation.

"Praise the Lord, I know there are those among you who have committed the
unspeakable sin of he-ing and she-ing. Stand up and repent!” Three-quarters of
the congregation stand up.

"And there are those among you," continues the preacher, "who have
committed that double sin of sins, he-ing and he-ing. Stand up and repent!”
The rest of the men stand up.

"And I know there are those among you who have committed the triple sin, of
she-ing and she-ing. Stand up and repent!” The remaining women all stand up.

No one is left sitting except one little boy with a puzzled look on his face.

"Mr. Preacher," he cries, "I would like to know where you stand on me-ing and
me-ing?”

Miss Goodbody is giving her class an English lesson, and all goes well until she
explains the use of the word ‘perhaps' to them.

“Now, Billy," she says, "will you make up a sentence to show that you
understand how to use ‘perhaps’?"

Billy stands up, thinks for a moment and says, "If we are very good, perhaps
teacher will let us go early.”

"Excellent," says Miss Goodbody. Then she turns to little Ernie and says, "What
about you, Ernest? Can you give us an example?”

Little Ernie stands up and says, "Does it have to be made up, Miss?”

"No," replies Miss Goodbody, "it can be true, as long as you use the word
‘perhaps’.”

"Okay," says Ernie, "when I saw you and the music teacher taking your pants
off in the music room, I thought that perhaps you were going to shit on the
piano.”
Little Ernie's mother is saying good night to her kids. She is expecting another
child, so she tells them the story of how the stork brings babies. After she has
turned out the light, little Ernie turns to his sister.

"You know?" he says. "I don't care what Mom thinks. I just can't picture Dad
screwing a stork.”

Little Ernie is trying to get his grandfather to make a noise like a frog. But
Grandpa refuses and goes on digging the garden. After an hour of constant
pestering, Grandpa throws down his shovel and turns around.

"All right, Ernie." he snaps, "I’ll make a noise like a frog! But why all the fuss?”

“Well," replies little Ernie, "Grandma says when you croak we will all go to
Hawaii.”

Miss Goodbody goes with her class to Paris for a school trip.They are seeing all
the sights, when Miss Goodbody realizes that little Ernie is missing. She leaves
the rest of the class in a museum and goes looking for him.

After searching for some time, she finds little Ernie standing in the corner of a
cabaret show, crying. "Why are you crying?" asks Miss Goodbody.

"Well," sniffs Ernie, "my Mom told me that if I look at a naked woman, I will
turn to stone - and now I feel something getting hard already.”

Miss Goodbody tells her class that they are going to play a spelling game.
Telling little Bobby to stand up, she asks, "What does your father do for a living?
Say it nice and clearly. And then spell it out.”

"My father is a baker," says Bobby. “B-a-k-e-r."

"Good," says Miss Goodbody, "now Cecily.”

"Doctor: d-o-c-t-o-r," says Cecily smugly and sits down.

"Excellent," says Miss Goodbody, "Now Herbie.”

Herbie stands up and says, "Shipbuilder: s-h-i-t…”

"No, Herbie," says Miss Goodbody, "try again’.”

"Shipbuilder: s-h-i-t…”

"No, no," cries Miss Goodbody, "go to the blackboard and write it out and you
will see your mistake!”

As Herbie heads for the front of the class, Little Ernie jumps up and says, "My
dad is a gambler: g-a-m-b-l-e-r. And I will bet you five bucks that idiot puts shit
on the board.”

One afternoon, Miss Goodbody stands up and calls her class to attention. "Now
I want complete silence!" she says. "I want it so quiet, you can hear a pin drop.”
A deep silence descends over the classroom. After two minutes, little Ernie
shouts out from the back of the room, "For God's sake, Miss, let it drop!”

Little Ernie goes up to his father after school one day. "Dad," says Ernie, "the
teacher started talking about economics today and I don't understand a thing.”
"Well." says his father thinking for a moment.

"Put it this way: In this household, I bring in the money, so I am capital.Your

mom does the housekeeping; that is management.The maid does the work - she
is labor. And your baby brother, well, he is the future.”

Little Ernie wakes up in the middle of the night when his baby brother screams
to have his diaper changed. Ernie goes to his parents' room to find his mother
fast asleep. He then goes to the maid's room to find his father making love to the
maid. So he changes the diaper himself.

As he gets back into bed, Little Ernie reflects, "Now, I understand economics.
Management is asleep, capital is screwing labor and the future stinks.”

The teacher of the six-year-olds in first grade is annoyed to find water on the
floor in front of her desk, but chooses to ignore it. When the same thing
happens the next day, she asks the children about it, but nobody says a word.

On the third day it happens again. Determined to get to the bottom of the
mystery, she says, "I know whoever did this must be feeling very shy about their
little accident. So I have an idea! We will all close our eyes while the child who
did this comes and writes his name on this piece of paper on my desk. Then we
will forget all about it.” Everyone closes their eyes. After a couple of minutes a
chair squeaks, little footsteps are heard coming and going, and the chair squeaks
again.

Delighted, the teacher tells everyone to open their eyes. A second puddle of
water has appeared on the floor and on the paper is scrawled: "The phantom
pisser strikes again!”

The teacher asks her little pupils to tell about their acts of kindness to poor
animals. After several of the children have told heart-stirring stories of kindness,
the teacher asks little Ernie if he has anything to tell.

"Well," said Ernie proudly, "I once kicked a boy for kicking his dog.”

Little Tommy comes back from his first day at school and his mother greets him
at the front door. “Well, Tommy," she says, “did you learn much on your first
day?”

"Not enough I guess,” says Tommy, sadly, "I have to go back again tomorrow.”

The young teacher writes on the blackboard, "I ain't had no fun all summer.”
Then she asks the children, "What is wrong with that sentence and what do I do
to correct it?”

Little Ernie shouts from the back. "Get a boyfriend.”

Mrs. Meyer is talking to her neighbor, Mrs.]ones. "I don't want your son, Ernie,
swimming in our pool anymore," she says. "But what has my poor little Ernie
done?" asks Mrs.Jones. "He is constantly peeing in the pool," says Mrs. Meyer,
angrily.

"Don‘t be so hard on him'," says Mrs.Jones, "all children of his age do that!”

"Maybe they do," says Mrs. Meyer, "but not from the diving board.”
Little David, who was six years old, was beginning to ask embarrassing
questions that his Mom and Dad could not get themselves to explain. So they
asked their older boy, Martin, to explain to him about the birds and the bees.

That night in bed Martin gave David his first lesson. "Look, David, do you
know what it is that Mom and Dad do at night in bed?”

“Sure, I do," said David. "Well," said Martin, "it is just the same with the birds
and the bees.”

Professor Bradley is beaming at his class in elementary zoology. "I have brought
a frog, fresh from the pond," he says, "in order that we might study its outer
appearance and later dissect it.”

He carefully unwraps the package he is carrying, and inside is a neatly prepared

ham sandwich. The professor looks at it with astonishment. "That’s odd," he
says, “I distinctly remember having eaten my lunch.”

A little girl is in the park crying when an old gentleman asks her why. She says,
"I want one of those things like my brother's got, that sticks out, then lays down
and then sticks out again.” The old man begins to cry too.

A salesman knocks on the front door of a house and Little Ernie opens it, turns
to his mother and calls, "Hey, Mom, it's a live commercial.”

Little Roger was frightened of the large bulldog that occupied the yard next to
his home. One day, feeling adventurous, Roger climbed the fence. The huge
bulldog rushed up to him and licked his face.The boy began to scream and his
mother came running to his side.

"Did he bite you, darling?”

"Not yet," whim'pered Roger, "He just tasted me.”

The plumber comes to fix some things in the house, and little Ernie follows him
everywhere. When the plumber pulls out a screwdriver, little Ernie says, "My
Dad has two of those.” The plumber smiles and pulls out a wrench.
"My Dad has two of those," says Ernie. The plumber smiles again and carries
on working. When he goes to the bathroom for a pee, little Ernie goes along.

Taking out his prick, the plumber asks, "Has your dad got two of these, too?”

"Yes, he has!" replies little Ernie. "He has got one small one like you to pee with,
and a big one which he chases Mum around the kitchen table with!”

Little Ernie trots into the bathroom just as his pregnant mother is getting out of
the bath. "What is' that?" he asks, pointing at her bulging belly.

Feeling a bit embarrassed, and not wanting to explain all about the birds and
the bees, his mother tells him, "It is a present Daddy gave me.”

A bit puzzled by this reply, little Ernie goes into the kitchen, where his father is
reading the newspaper over breakfast. "Dad?" says Ernie. "Yes, Ernie," replies
his father.

"You know that present you gave Mummy?" asks Ernie. "Yes, son," replies his
father. "Well," says Ernie, "she has gone and eaten it!”

Little Ernie's father invites his boss to dinner, in the hope of getting a promotion
at work. Days are spent planning the menu and getting the house just right, but
the effect is ruined when little Ernie appears on the stairs just as the boss arrives.

"I wanted to see you," says. Ernie, "because Mum said you were a self-made
man.”

"I am,” smiles the boss "and proud of it!”

"In that case," says Ernie, "why did you make yourself look so ugly?”

It is Miss Goodbody’s birthday, so all the kids bring her presents. They line up in
front of her holding the gifts and she tries to guess what they are.

Little Ernie's father has a liquor store and she notices that little Ernie's package
is leaking, so she tastes it.

"Did you bring me Scotch whiskey?" she asks. "No," replies little Ernie.
So Miss Goodbody turns to Little Ronnie. Little Ronnie's father is a florist. "Did
you bring me some love roses?" asks Miss Goodbody. "Yes, teacher," replies
Ronnie, passing her the flowers.

Then Miss Goodbody goes back to Ernie’s leaking package and tastes it again.
"Did you bring me gin'?" she says. "No," replies little Ernie.

Little Ruthy's father has a candy store. "Have you brought me candy?" asks Miss
Goodbody. "Yes, teacher," replies Ruthy and gives her the package.

Then Miss Goodbody goes back to Ernie and tastes the leaking packet again.
"Did you bring me rum?" she asks. "No," replies little Ernie, "I brought you a
puppy.”

The elevator in a New York skyscraper is packed with people. Suddenly a tall
man screams out in agony. Little Ernie looks up at his mother, "I don't care,
Mom," he says, "it was in my face, so I bit it.”

Little Ernie gives a loud wolf whistle in the middle of Father Murphy's sermon,
and his grandfather picks him up and carries him out of the church. Once they
are outside, he starts to scold.

"How could you?" he cries, "Making such a noise in the church…!"

"Well," replies little Ernie looking quite excited, "I have been praying for a long
time that God would teach me to whistle, and this morning he did.”

The hostess at a kid's birthday party goes up to little Ernie, "How come," she
asks, “your little brother is so shy? He has not moved from that corner all
afternoon.”

"He is not shy at all," insists Ernie. "It is just that he has never had to wear a
necktie before and he thinks he is tied to something.”

Little Ernie is looking through the family photo album when he comes across a
photo of his parents' wedding day. Ernie calls his father over, and pointing to his
mother in her wedding dress says, “Was that the day that Mum came to work
for us?”
Little Ernie is dragged by his mother into the doctor's office. She sits down and
says, "Doctor, is it possible for a nine-year-old boy to remove his own liver?”

The doctor roars with laughter. "Of course not," he replies, wiping the tears
from his eyes. Ernie's mother turns round and cuffs Ernie on the ear.

"What did I tell you?" she shouts. "Now go straight home and put it back in
again!”

Little Ernie is taken to the dentist's office for a checkup. "It is okay, Doc," says
Ernie. "You can take off the mask, I have already recognized you.”

Little Ernie asks his dad, "Dad, is it true that God exists everywhere?”
"That's right, son," replies his father, still reading his newspaper.
"Is he in the garage?" asks Ernie.
"Yes, son," replies his father, "he is in the garage.”
"Is he out in the garden?" asks Ernie.
"Yes, he is, son,"replies his father.
"Is he under mummy's dress?" asks Ernie.
"Yes, he is everywhere," snaps his father getting a little irritated.
So little Ernie looks in the garage but he can't find God. He looks out in the
garden but he can't find God there either.
So he goes into the kitchen and crawls under his mother’s dress.
"Ernie," she cries, "What are you doing?”
"Quiet, mum," says Ernie triumphantly. "I have just caught God by his beard.”

Little Ernie's parents are horrified. Their four-year-old son is just learning to
talk fluently, which is charming, but he uses the word ‘fucking' in almost every
sentence - which is very impolite.

They try every strategy to get him to stop, but nothing seems to work so they try
bribery. They tell Ernie that he can go to Janet's birthday party if he stops
swearing. His father has asked Janet's mom to send Ernie home at once if she
hears the filthy, disgusting word.

On Saturday at two-thirty Ernie sets off, but at three o'clock he is back again in
tears. "I told you not to use that disgusting word," his father cried. "I did not use
the fucking word," shouts Ernie. "The fucking party is not till next fucking
Saturday. “

No one can persuade Little Ernie's great-aunt Esmeralda that she does not
possess extraordinary, supernatural powers. Little Ernie believes her when she
tells him’ about one of her visions.

"Keep a close eye on your father tomorrow," she says. "I feel it in my bones that
he is going to pop off before night.”

Little Ernie never lets his dad out of his sight the next day. They go to the office
together in the morning and then to the park in the afternoon. Nothing unusual
happens all day but when they get home in the evening little Ernie's mother
greets them at the front door.

"A terrible thing happened here this morning," she sobs, "the milkman dropped
dead on the kitchen floor! “

Arriving home from school one day Herschel Goldberg asked his father, Hymie,
if he can take their dog Petunia for a walk. "No," says Hymie, "you can't
because she is in heat.”

"What? What does ‘in heat’ mean?" asks Herschel.

"Don't be worried about what it is," replies Hymie. "Anyway I have just thought
of a way to fix the situation." So Hymie goes into the garage and gets a rag,
pours some gasoline over it and then wipes Petunia's tail with it.

"Okay," says Hymie, "now you can take her for a walk.”

Herschel is delighted and disappears down the street. But an hour later he
returns without Petunia.

"What happened?" asks Hyrnie. "Where is Petunia?”

"Well," replies Herschel, "everything was fine for a while. She was playing with
me and my friend Irving when all of a sudden she ran out of gas. So now
Irving's dog is pushing her home.”
In a school in one of Chicago's poorer districts, a questionnaire is sent home
with a girl pupil requesting information about the number of brothers and
sisters, her father's occupation, et cetera.

The next day she returns with a scrap of paper on which is written the
following:

There are eighteen children in my family My father can also do plumbing and
carpentry work.

Conrad was six years old. Although he was six, he had never spoken a word. His
parents took him to the psychiatrist, but it didn't help.

But one evening at the dinner table, Conrad looked down at his plate of food
and said, "Take away this muck, it tastes terrible!”

His parents were elated and wept with joy. "You can talk!" cried his mother.
"How come you've never spoken before this?”

"Up to now," said Conrad, "everything has been fine!”

Outside the classroom it is snowing hard. "Boys and girls," says Mrs. Goodbody,
"you must be very careful not to catch colds in this weather. I had a dear little
brother, only seven years old. One day, he went out in the snow with his new
skis. He caught a cold, pneumonia set in, and three days later he was dead.”

A hush falls over the classroom and then little Ernie jumps to his feet and asks,
"Can I have his skis?”

Little Ernie is taking a walk in the park with his father, when suddenly a bee
settles on a rock in front of them. Just for spite, Ernie picks up a piece of wood
and smashes the bee.

"That was very cruel, Ernie,” says his father, and for being cruel you will get no
honey for a year.”

Later, Ernie deliberately steps on a butterfly.

"And for that, young man," says his father, "you will get no butter for a year.”
When they return home, Ernie's mother is fixing the dinner. Just as they enter
the kitchen, she sees a cockroach and immediately crushes it with her foot.
Ernie looks at his father and says with a wink, "Will you tell her, Dad, or shall
I?”

Little six-year-old Sally comes into the kitchen and asks, "Mommy, can I have
babies?”

"No, of course not, dear," her mother replies. Little Sally turns around and runs
back outside shouting, "Okay boys, same game, same game.”

Little Sadie comes in the kitchen and asks, "Mommy, does everyone have their
legs up in the air when they go to heaven?”

"No," her mother replies. "Where did you get such a silly idea?”

“Well,” says Sadie.“I just came from the bedroom. The maid had her legs up in
the air and was screaming, ‘God, I'm coming. God, I'm coming.’ But daddy was
on top of her and he would not let her go.”

Miss Goodbody, the teacher, is too shy to conduct the sex education class in
school, so she asks her class to make this a homework project.

Little Ernie asks his father, who tells him some story about a stork. Grandma
says that she was found under a gooseberry bush. Great-grandma blushes deep
red and whispers that children come from God.

The next day, little Ernie gets called to report on his homework.

"Well," says Ernie, "I am afraid my family has been a little abnormal.
Apparently there has been no sex at all for three generations.”

Little Ernie is sitting at the back of the class, a can of beer in one hand and a
cigarette in the other when Miss Goodbody says, "Okay children, today we are
going to play a game.

I'm going to say a few words about something, and you try to tell me what I'm
telling about. Okay, here we go! The first thing is a fruit. It's round and it's red.”
Little Billy raises his hand and says, "An apple.”

Miss Goodbody says, "No, it's a tomato, but I'm glad to see you're thinking. The
next one is round and it's a green vegetable.”

Little Mary says, "It's a lettuce.”

"No," says Miss Goodbody, "it's a pea. But I'm glad to see you're thinking.”

Just then Ernie raises his hand and says, "Hey, teach! Mind if I ask you one?”

"Go right ahead," says Miss Goodbody.

"Okay," says Ernie, "I've got something in my pocket, and it's long and it's hard
and it’s got a pink tip.”

"Ernie!" shouts Miss Goodbody, "that's disgusting.”

"It's a pencil," says Ernie, "but I'm glad to see you‘re thinking.”

Little Billy is asked by the teacher, "What was the Polack pope's first miracle?”

Bill'y says, "He made a lame man blind.”

Uncle Albert is staying for the weekend, and little Ernie is asking him all sorts of
questions. "Uncle Albert," he asks, "why are some men bald on the front of
their head?”

"Well," replies Uncle Albert, "these men are the great thinkers.”

"And what about the men that are bald on the back of their head?" asks little
Ernie.

"These men," explains Uncle Albert, "are the great fuckers.”

"So what does it mean," continues little Ernie, "when they are bald all over?”

"That's obvious," replies Uncle Albert, "these men think they are great fuckers.”
Little Eddy says to his mother, "Mom, I want to be early at school this afternoon
so that I can sit in the front row.We are going to have a lesson on sex.”

When he returns home later that day, his mother notices that he looks very sad
and disappointed.

"What is the matter, Eddy, didn't you enjoy the lesson?" she asks.

"Phooey," replies Eddy, "it was all theory.”

Miss Holynose, the Sunday school teacher, has just finished explaining about
heaven.

"Now," she says, "hands up all those children who want to go to heaven.”

All the children raise their hands except for little Hymie in the front row.

"Don't you want to go to heaven, Hymie?" asks Miss Holynose.

"I can‘t," says Hymie tearfully, "my mother told me to come straight home.”

Little Ernie and little Elmer are outside the whorehouse, and after seeing the
comings and goings their curiosity is aroused. So they knock on the door and
ask the madam if they can come in and find out what it is all about, but she tells
them the price is ten dollars.

After saving their pocket money for weeks they manage the sum of seventy-five
cents and approach the madam again. Being a businesswoman and sensing the
possibility of future clients, she takes their seventy-five cents and tells one of the
girls to give them a quick flash of her pussy.

Two minutes later they are leaving the place when Ernie turns to Elmer and
says, "I didn’t like the look of that, did you?”

"No," replies Elmer, "I'm glad we didn't have ten bucks' worth.”

A little girl is complaining to her mother about the long prayers she has to recite
before going to bed at night.
"Why can't I say the short prayers that you and daddy use?" she asks. "What
prayers do you mean, sweetheart?" replies her mother.

"Well," says the little girl, "last night I heard Daddy say, ‘Oh, dear God, I am
coming!’ and then you said, ‘Lord, Jesus Christ, wait for me!’”

Eleven-year-old Lucy is walking down the village street leading a cow by a rope.
She meets the priest who says, "Little girl, what are you doing with that cow?”

"Please Sir," says Lucy, "it is my father's cow and I am taking her to the bull.”

"Disgusting." says the priest, "can't your father do that?”

"No," says Lucy, "it has to be the bull.”

During English class one morning, Miss Goodbody calls out, "Betty, tell me the
meaning of the word ‘trickle’.”

"To run slowly," says Betty.

"Quite right," says Miss Goodbody. "Now tell me the meaning of the word
‘anecdote’."

"A short funny tale," says Betty.

"Good girl," says Miss Goodbody. "Now, Lucy, see if you can give me a sentence
with both those words in it.”

Lucy think‘s for a moment: "Yes, I know," she says. "Our dog trickled down the
street wagging his anecdote.”

Little Ernie, the cabin boy, asks Long John Silver, the pirate, how he got his
wooden leg.

"Ah, it was a cannon ball, Ernie, my lad," says Silver. "Took my leg clean off at
the knee.”

"And why have you got a hook instead of a hand?" asks Ernie.
“Ah, a cutlass," replies Long John, "took my hand clean off.”

"How did you lose your eye?” asked Ernie.

“Ah, I got seagull shit in it,” says the pirate.

"But a seagull doing that can't take your eye out!" exclaims Ernie.

"It can," replies Long John, "when you forget you have got a hook for a hand!”

Mrs. Murphy has just returned home after her holiday. "How did you get along
with your father, while I was away?" she asked her son.

“Just fine," says the boy, "every morning he took me out on the lake in a
rowboat and let me swim back.”

"Goodness!" exclaims Mrs. Murphy, "isn't that a long distance to swim?”

“Ah, I always made it alright," says the boy. "The only trouble I had was getting
out of the bag!”

Little Ernie is playing with his train set in the living room, while his mother is
cooking dinner. He lets the train go around the track ten times, then stops it and
says, "All you fuckers who wanna get in, get in. All you fuckers who wanna get
out, get out!" He lets the train go around ten more times and then stops it and
says the same thing.

At this, his mother comes storming into the living room and tells Ernie to go
and stand in the corner for using such filthy language.

Half an hour later, his mother tells him he can go and play with his train again.
Little Ernie sends the train around the track ten times, stops it and says, "All you
fuckers that wanna get in, get in". All you fuckers who wanna get out, get out.!
Anybody got a complaint about the delay, go and see the bitch in the kitchen!”

Little Ernie comes home early from school. "What are you doing home?" asks
his mother. "I put a stick of dynamite under the teacher's desk," replies little
Ernie. "You march right back to school" says his mother, "and apologize!”
"Mom," says Ernie, "WHAT school?”

Little Ernie goes with his parents to a nudist beach for the first time. After
looking around for a few minutes, Ernie asks his father why some men have big
ones and some men have small ones.

Rather than go in a long explanation, his father replies, "The men that have big
ones are smart and the men that have small ones are stupid.”

Accepting this explanation, Ernie goes off to explore the beach. Time passes
and he finally comes across his father again.

"Have you seen your mother, son?" asks his dad.

"Yes," says Ernie, "she is behind the bushes talking to some stupid guy who is
getting smarter by the minute.”

Milarepa has asked, "Why do you like the childlike quality?”

The reason is very simple. Because they are such innocent people, so nonserious, unaware of all
kinds of games people play - mundane, sacred, human, superhuman. I will give you a few
examples…

The Goldberg family is on a picnic. Hymie is standing near the edge of a high
cliff, admiring the sea crashing on the rocks far below.

Little Herschel comes up to him and says, "Hey Dad, Mom says it is not safe
here. So either you stand back or give me the sandwiches.”

Little Ernie is at the seashore when a pretty blond comes out of the surf and
finds that she has lost the top half of her bathing suit. Embarrassed, she crosses
her arms in front of her chest and hurries across the beach.

She almost reaches to where she has left her towel when Little Ernie asks,
“Lady, if you are giving away those puppies, could I have the one with the pink
nose?”
Miss Goodbody, the teacher, is approaching her classroom when little Ernie
comes towards her from the other direction, deliberately winking his left eye.

"Ernest," says Miss Goodbody, quite shocked. "Are you winking at me?”

"No," says Ernie, making a left turn in the classroom, "I have just got my turn
signal on.”

When the Goldberg family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked
little Herschel how he liked the new place.

"It is terrific!" he says. "I have my own room, Ruthie has her own room and
Sarah has her own room too. But poor Mom is still in with Dad.”

Little Ernie wants a bicycle, but when he asks his mother, she tells him he can
only have one if he behaves himself which he promises to do.

But after a week of trying to be good, Ernie finds it impossible. So his mother
suggests, "If you write a note to Jesus, maybe you will find it easier to be good.”

Ernie rushes upstairs, sits on his bed, and writes:

"Dear Jesus, if you let me have a bike, I promise to be good for the rest of my
life.”

Realizing that he could never manage that, he starts again:

"Dear Jesus, if you let me have a bike, I promise to be good for a month.”
Knowing that he can't do that, he suddenly has an idea. He runs into his
mother's room, takes her statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in a shoe box and
hides it under the bed. Then he begins to write again:

"Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again…”

Little Hymie is kicking his football around the house and breaks a valuable vase.
"Oh dear," cried his mother, "now look What you have done. I am sick and tired
of your juvenility.”
"Well," said Hymie in a rebellious mood, "there are times when I am sick and
tired of your adultery.”

Two six-year-olds are examining an abstract painting in an art gallery. "Let's

run," says one, "before they say we did it.”

Two little girls are going through their textbook on religious instruction.
"I am past original sin," says one.
"That's nothin'g," said the other, "I am beyond redemption.”

A priest visiting a small village asks a young boy to direct him to the church
where he is going to preach that evening.
After the boy has given him directions, the priest says, "You must come along
tonight, and bring all your friends.”
"What for?" asks the boy.
"Because I will tell you how to get to heaven," replies the priest.
"You must be joking," laughs the boy. "You didn’t even know how to get to the
church.”

Seven-year-old Johnny is walking home from school with his new seven-year-old
girlfriend. Johnny looks at her with worshipping eyes and says, "You are the first
girl I have ever loved.”

"Damn it," she replies. “Just my luck - another amateur.”

The mother gave her little girl some money to go to the movies, a treat she had
never had before. When she came home, her mother asked, "How did you get
on, dear?”

"Well, Mummy, it was a bit like Sunday school!”

"What? What do you mean?" asked the mother.

"Well, at Sunday school they sing, ‘Stand up, stand up for Jesus.’ And in the
movies they shout, ‘For Christ's sake, sit down!”
The first grade class gathers around their teacher, Miss Goodbody, for a game
of “Guess the Animal." The first picture she holds up is a cat.

"Okay, boys and girls," she says brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?”

"I know! I know! It is a cat."Yells little Albert.

"Very good, Albert,” says Miss Goodbody. “Now who knows what this animal is
called?”

"That's a dog," pipes up little Suzie.

"Right again. And what about this animal?" she asks, holding up a picture of a
deer.

Silence falls over the class. After a minute or two Miss Goodbody says, "I will
give you a hint, children, listen. It is something that your mother calls your
father around the house.”

"I know! I know!" screams little Ernie. "It is a horny bastard!”

Miss Goodbody, the pretty young teacher, notices that little Ernie has a gleam in
his eye and his gaze follows her all around the room. He obviously has a crush
on her, so she calls him aside after school.

"Ernest," she begins, "your grades have been slipping lately and I notice that
you are not paying attention in class. Is something distracting you?”

"Yes, Miss Goodbody," says Ernie in a soft voice.

"By any chance," she asks compassionately, "is it me?" Little Ernie nods and the
teacher smiles. "That's very sweet," says Miss Goodbody, "I'm very flattered.
And to tell you the truth, I hope to have a husband one day who is as bright and
cute as you.”

"Then why not me?" asks Ernie. "Well," says Miss Goodbody, "I don't want a
child.”

"Okay," replies Ernie, "I promise to be super-careful.”

Little Ernie takes his paper up to sexy Miss Thornbum, the teacher, for marking.
As she bends over the desk, he looks down the front of her blouse.

"Teacher," he says,“I see something.”

Miss Thornbum is extremely embarrassed and says, "Ernie, that is very rude.
Tomorrow, don't come to school,”

The next week Ernie is sitting in the front row when Miss Thornbum is wearing
a skirt’. As she is writing on the blackboard she drops her chalk and, with her
back to Ernie, bends down to pick it up. Ernie gets up and without a word
heads for the door.

"Where are you going?" asks the teacher sternly.

"Teacher," says Ernie, "my school days are over.”

Young Herschel Goldberg comes before the court, charged with stealing a girl's
bicycle.

"I did not steal it, sir," he tells the magistrate, "she gave it to me. She was riding
me home on the handlebars, and she stopped in the woods. She took off her
blue jeans and her panties and said I could have anything she had. Well sir, the
panties were girls' things and the blue jeans would not fit me - so I took the
bicycle.”

During the geography class, the teacher looks at little Ernie and says, "What is
the matter, Emest? Why are you looking so unhappy?”

"I didn't get no breakfast," Ernie replies.

"You poor dear, but to get on with our geography lesson ..." says the teacher
pointing to the map, "where is the Mexican border?”

"In bed with Mama," says Ernie. "That's why I didn't get no breakfast.”

Little Ronnie is growing up. "Mom," he asks one day, "where do babies come
from?”
"Why, the stork brings them," replies his mother.
"But, mom," asks Ronnie, "who fucks the Stork?”

Little Hymie Goldberg is taken to a seance. When he arrives, the medium asks
Hymie if there is anybody he would like to contact and speak to.

"I‘d like to speak to my granny," says Hymie.

"Certainly, my dear, " says the medium, going in a deep trance. She begins to
moan and talk in a strange voice.

"This is your granny speaking from heaven...a wonderful place in the skies... Is
there anything you would like to ask me, Hymie?”

"Yes, granny," says Hymie, "what are you doing in heaven when you're not even
dead yet?”

Little Jimmy Jerk is putting his shoes on by himself for the first time, but he puts
his right shoe on his left foot and vice versa. When he has finished, he runs to
his mother.

"Look Mummy," he says proudly, "I put them on all by myself.”

"That's very good," says Jill Jerk, "but I am afraid you have put them on the
wrong feet.”

Little Jimmy looks down, and then says confidently, "No, Mummy, these are
definitely my feet.”

The maths teacher turns to little Ernie and says, "Ernest, if your father
borrowed three hundred dollars and promised to pay back fifteen dollars a
week, how much would he owe at the end of ten weeks?”

"Three hundred dollars," Ernie quickly replies.

"I am afraid," says the teacher. "that you don't know your maths very well.”

"I am afraid," says Ernie, "that you don't know my father.”

Ernie is talking to Ronnie, the little boy from next door. "How old are you?" asks
Ernie.

"I don't know," replies little Ronnie.

"Do women bother you?" asks Ernie.

"No," says Ronnie.

"Okay," says Ernie knowingly. "Then you are four.”

Little Elmer is in the toy section of the huge department store checking out the
latest electronic kids toys. Over the loudspeaker comes an announcement:

"Mrs. Ethel Evans is missing her son Elmer Evans. Will little Elmer please come
to the manager's office immediately.”

"Damn it," grumbles Elmer, "I am lost again.”

Miss Thornbum, standing in front of her class, asks, "Children, what part of the
human anatomy expands twelve times when it is directly stimulated?"

Little Susie, in the front row, starts giggling and laughing, trying to cover her
mouth with her hand. In the back row, Johnny raises his hand.

Miss Thornbum says, “Yes, Johnny?”

Johnny stands up and says, "Teacher, the iris of the human eye expands twelve
times when it is directly stimulated by light.”

"Very good, Johnny,” says Miss Thornbum. “That is the correct answer. And
Susie, you have a dirty little mind, and when you grow up you are going to be
very disappointed.”

Little Albert goes to his father and says, "Dad, where did I come from?” His
father starts to stutter and stammer, but he realizes that he has got to tell Albert
the facts of life. "Sit down, son," he says.
At great length he describes the whole business, beginning with the birds and
the bees.

Then he goes in the most graphic descriptions of people having sex. When he
has finished he takes out his handkerchief and wipes the sweat from his brow.

"Okay,Albert,” he says,“do you understand now?”

"Not really, Dad,” Albert replies. “Ernie says he came from New Jersey, but you
have not told me where I came from.”

It happened in the religious class of a small school: the teacher was telling the students to draw,
according to them, the concept of God. She had been explaining to them the Christian concept
of God. The bishop had come to see how things are going in the class, and she wanted to show
something from the small boys and girls.

They had all drawn pictures, and one small boy had drawn a picture of an airplane with four
windows. Even the bishop was struck: what kind of an idea of God does he have?And from
every window something looking like a man…?

The teacher said, "What is this'? This is your idea of God?”

The boy said, "You have told us that God is a trinity: the first is God the Father - you can
see… with the beard of ancient old age. In the second window is the son - you can even see the
cross - Jesus Christ. In the third you don ’t see any face because it is the holy ghost - just
something like a whirlwind.”

The bishop and the teacher together asked him, "What about the fourth? From where has the
fourth come?”

The little boy said, "The fourth?…Pontius the pilot. Without him the airplane will go out of
control."

 4. POLITICS

Just be silent and you will discover an immense laughter that is going on all around the earth.
Trees are laughing, birds are laughing. Except man, there seems to be nobody who is sad. This
sadness is because of your clinging to the words.

Let your life be a life of a dancing and laughing silence, and you have entered into the only
authentic temple of godliness.

I am not interested in what kind of ideologies you are carrying in your head. They are all
bullshit. I want you to drop them all, irrespective of what they are. Let your whole being be
filled with laughter. Let yourself be singing, let each fiber of your being be a part of the
universal dance. To me, this is the only revolution, the only transformation which can bring this
earth millions of joys.

It is our own stupidity that we have been listening to idiots of all kinds. And their whole
purpose is to make us sad, because if they succeed in making humanity sad and serious, they
have taken away the possibility of your being in tune with the tremendous festivity that
surrounds you. And now that you are taken away from the universal festival, you can be
exploited, enslaved, oppressed. Every kind of crime can be done to you, and you will not revolt.

Only laughter can be a revolt, a revolution, a transformation. Start laughing against your so-
called religious pretenders, hypocrites. Start laughing about your politicians, who have been
deceiving mankind for centuries. Don’t pay any attention to this whole gang of criminals, and
we can enter into an absolutely new era, where everybody is joyful, loving, laughing. And
everybody is carrying his own guitar — no need to carry any crosses. I want to change every
cross into a guitar. Right?

What is the difference between a misfortune and a disaster?

A great difference. For example: a goat is walking across a bridge, loses its
footing and falls into the river. That is a misfortune, not a disaster.

But if an airplane carrying Ronald Reagan and his entire Cabinet crashes, and
everybody is killed, that is a disaster - but not a misfortune.

Chiang Kai-shek…
…the dictator of China before Mao Tse-tung came to power, was one of the
most poweful people on the earth. He had become very old - he was ninety
years - when Mao removed him from power. He escaped to Formosa, a private
resort for the dictator.

He changed the name of Formosa to Taiwan and made it the capital of China.
The whole of China was gone, but he made this small island the capital of
China and continued to remain dictator of the whole of China. There was no
China in his hands, yet because of American support mainland China was not
represented in the UN. Chiang Kaishek’s Taiwan represented China in the UN
for many years - you cannot believe what kind of politicians are sitting on your
chest. This man Chiang Kaishek when he was dethroned in utter desperation,
old age, sickness - he had passed ninety…
…was being interviewed in Taipei by an American reporter from
NEWSWEEK.
"And when was the last time you had an election, General?" the reporter asked.
Chiang Kaishek winked and said, 'J'ust before breakfast.”

Peoples’ egos are such, even at the age of ninety …that idiot is saying he had an
erection just before breakfast.

Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev are scowling at each other across the
conference table in Geneva. They are perched on the brink of nuclear war, in a
dispute over who has control of the small oil-producing country, Abu Dhabi.

"Look here, Reagan," says Mr. Gorbachev. "Why should we destroy the whole
world just because of a small piece of real estate?”

"You are right," replies Reagan. "But how can we settle this argument without a
war?”

"Simple," says Gorbachev. "You and I can have a contest of courage right now
- man to man.”

"Great!" says the senile president ofAmerica. "What shall we do?”

"Well, in Russia," says Gorbachev "we settle things like this: we just stand in
front of each other, and each one of us gets to take a good kick at the other,
right between the legs.

Whoever can get up the quickest afterwards is the winner.”

"Great idea!" says Reagan. "Let us get started.”

The two men stand up, and Gorbachev goes first. He winds up and lets fly a
mighty kick that nails Ronald right in the nuts. Reagan screams, falls over, and
rolls around on the ground with his eyes popping out.

After about five minutes of this, he manages to drag himself to his feet.

"Okay," gasps Ronnie, "now it's my turn.”

"Ah!" says Gorbachev. "Never mind - you can have Abu Dhabi!”
Ronald Reagan, his cabinet members, and his wife Nancy, travel to the Rocky
Mountains for a skiing holiday.

Waking up one morning, Reagan opens the curtains and there in the snow, in
yellow letters, someone has pissed the message: "Reagan is a wimp.”

Enraged, Reagan orders an analysis made of the urine to find out who the
culprit is. An official returns with the results and tells Reagan, "I have some bad
news and some terrible news. The bad news is that the urine belongs to your
attorney general, Ed Meese.”

"What?" shouts Reagan. "I will shoot that bastard! And what is the terrible
news?”

"Well," says the man, "the terrible news is that it is in Nancy's handwriting.”

Gorbachev, Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan are the guests of the king
of Saudi Arabia, who has a magic swimming pool. The magic is that if you
name a liquid while jumping into the empty pool, it will immediately be filled
with that liquid.

Gorbachev goes first, and ripping off his clothes, he shouts, "Vodka!" and leaps
in the pool, which is miraculously full of the finest Russian vodka.

Thatcher goes next, and bouncing along in her bra and panties, she yells,
"Whiskey!" She lands with a splash in a pool filled with the finest, twelve-year-
old scotch.

Not to be outdone, Reagan races towards the pool in his jockey shorts, stubs his
toes on the edge of the pool and falling headlong, he screams, "Oh, shit!”

Manuel Labor, the defeated South American dictator, is trying to get back into
power. He is addressing a meeting of workmen to organize support for himself.

"When the revolution comes," shouts Manuel, "you will enjoy the pleasures of
the rich! You Will' walk down Main Street wearing a gold watch!”

"Excuse me," interrupts Pancho, the dog catcher, "but I like to wear my old
Timex watch.”
"Or if you prefer it - a Timex watch!" continues Manuel. "You will wear an
Yves St. Laurent three-piece suit and Gucci shoes…"

"Excuse me," interrupts Pancho, again'. "But I am more comfortable in my blue

jeans and sneakers.”

"Very well - blue jeans and sneakers, if you insist," snaps Manuel Labor, getting
annoyed. "And you will ride to work in a Cadillac…”

"Excuse me," interrupts Pancho, "but I would rather use my bicycle.”

Furious, Manuel jumps off the platform, strides through the crowd and grabs
Pancho by the neck. “Listen, you idiot!” hisses the ex-dictator. "When the
revolution comes, you will do what you are bloody well told!”

Mikhail Gorbachev gets up in the morning and goes out onto his balcony to get
some fresh air. The sun is rising. "Good morning, red sun!" he exclaims.

"Long live Mikhail Gorbachev!" the sun replies. Very happy with this,
Gorbachev goes about his business. After a busy morning he goes out onto his
balcony again, and sees the sun at its height.

"Good afternoon, sun!" he shouts out.

"Long live Comrade Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Communist Party of

the Soviet Union!" replies the sun. Very pleased, Gorbachev returns to his work.

That evening, after a hard day, he comes out once again onto his favorite
balcony. He sees the sun setting, and with a smile cries out, "Good evening, my
little sun!”

"I am in the West now," replies the sun, "so, FUCK YOU!”

Max Muldoon gets drafted to fight in Ronald Reagan's new war in the Middle
East, and he does not like the idea at all. He does everything he can to avoid
being in the army, but somehow finds himself in General Grimguts’ Marine
platoon.
One day, Max is in the front line of battle. The noise is terrifying as bullets and
bombs fly all around him. Max looks up in horror and then throws down his
gun.

"I have had enough!" he shouts, and he starts running away from the front lines.
Many people try to stop him as he runs, but Max pays no attention to them. He
runs and runs until he bumps right into General Grimguts himself.

"Stop!" roars Grimguts. "What for?" shouts back Max. "I am ordering you to
stop!" shouts the General. "I am your commanding officer!”

"My god!" replies Max, quite surprised. "Am I THAT far back already?”

Ronald and Nancy Reagan are invited to dinner with Ed Meese and his wife,
pope the Polack and his bishop, and Rajiv and Sonia Gandhi. They go to a nice
restaurant downtown and are seated immediately at the celebrity table. With full
pomp and circumstance, head waiter Reginald, the homosexual, serves them
cocktails and takes their orders. He returns to the kitchen and hands the order
slip to Jablonski the cook.

"Hey, wait a minute," says Jablonski. "This order says ‘Give Nancy Reagan her
favorite chicken parts.’”

"Yes, that is correct," agrees Reginald gaily. "What about it?”

"Well," says Jablonski. "What the hell are Nancy Reagan's favorite chicken
parts?”

"I don't know," says the waiter, "but as far as I can tell, they must be right wings
and assholes!”

Prince Abdullah, a wealthy Arab oil millionaire, is being entertained at the

White House by Ronald and Nancy Reagan. After he has been shown to his
room, Abdullah calls Ronald on the phone and says, "Hey, Ronnie, send me up
a whore!”

Nancy hears this and is shocked, and she demands that Ronald throw him out
of the house. But Ronnie is afraid, so Nancy screams, "Then I'LL throw the
bastard out!”
In a few moments, Ronald hears the sounds of furniture breaking and screams
and curses. Finally, Prince Abdullah walks into Ronald's office; his face is
scratched and his shirt torn.

"Wow!" says the Prince. "That was some tough old bitch you sent me, but I
screwed her anyway!”

In the White House kitchen, Chef Eggbreath and his assistant, Beaver, are
frying some onions. With tears from the vapors streaming down their faces,
Eggbreath says, "You know God gave us this vegetable to make us cry.”

“Yeah, I guess so," Beaver says, wiping his eyes.

Just then, President Ronald walks by the kitchen wearing only his underwear
and a hat. "And you know" continues the chef, pointing at the president, "God
gave us THAT vegetable to make us laugh!”

Whenever Ronald Reagan gives a speech, his wife Nancy is always sitting
nearby. And always, just as Ronald stands up to speak, Nancy passes him a small
note.

Everyone is curious to know what is written on the note, but no one dares to ask.
Then one day, the note falls out of Reagan's pocket, and Ed Meese picks it up.
He sees that only one word is written on it, “KISS."

"That is amazing," says Meese. "You have been married for forty years, and still
Nancy sends you a kiss before every speech you make.”

"You don't know Nancy," snaps Reagan. "That message does not say ‘Kiss,’ it
says ‘K-I-S-S,’ which means, ‘Keep it short, stupid.”'

Pope the Polack and Ed Meese are arguing over what is considered man's
greatest invention. Pope the Polack insists it is the wheel, "because that has
made man mobile, and made it easier for me to spread the word of God.”

But Meese claims it is the lever, "because that was the start of machinery, and
machines have made us what we are today.”
They argue at length, but are unable to reach an agreement. Finally, Meese
says, "Let us ask Ronald. He is the president - he knows EVERYTHING.”

President Reagan tells them that they are both wrong. "Man's greatest invention
is my thermos bottle," he declares.

"Your thermos bottle? You have got to be kidding!" says the Polack.

Reagan shakes his head and says, "It keeps my coffee warm in the winter and
my juice cold in the summer.”

"So?" queries Meese. "Well," replies the president, "how does it KNOW?”

Ronald Reagan takes Margaret Thatcher and Pope the Polack out to lunch.
They go to President Reagan's favorite family restaurant, the ‘Bums and Breasts
Chicken House.’

After drinking a little too much wine with lunch, the slightly tipsy trio orders
coffee. As it is being served, Ronald Reagan leans over to Margaret Thatcher's
ear. With a devilish grin he slurs, "In America we say ‘Pass the honey, honey.’”

The prime minister smiles and bats her eyelashes.Then stroking Pope the
Polack's fingers sensuously, she slurs, "In England we say ‘Pass the sugar, sugar.’”

Then she says, "What do you say where you come from, Pope-sy wope-sy?”
Pope the Polack smiles and, straightening his collar, gives Margaret his best
Valentino eyes. Then in a low voice he says, "Pass the tea…bag.”

Rajiv Gandhi, the Indian prime minister, Francois Mitterand, the French
president, and Ronald Reagan from America, are sitting alone together after a
conference. "I have a problem," says Gandhi, "and I need your help. I have
twenty personal bodyguards, and I know for certain that one of them is a
Chinese spy. But which one?”

Mitterand and Reagan nod sympathetically and then the Frenchman says, “I
have a similar problem. I have twenty mistresses and I know for sure that one of
them is unfaithful. But which one?”

"That's nothing," says Ronald Reagan, "I have twenty people in my cabinet.
One of them, I know, is intelligent... But which one?”
Moishe Finkelstein, the undertaker, is dozing in his armchair in the Finkelstein
Funeral Home one aftemoon. The phone rings and Moishe picks up the clock
and puts it to his ear. "Hello," says Moishe sleepily.

Then the phone rings again and Moishe puts down the clock and talks to the
phone instead. It turns out that the Democratic Dodo Political Party has booked
an entire hotel in town for their conference, and that in room 213, one of their
delegates has died. Moishe throws a coffin in the back of the hearse and drives
downtown.

Half an hour later, Moishe calls the hotel manager's office to confirm that the
job is done, and that the occupant of room 312 has been removed.

"You idiot!" shouts the manager, "I said room 213! Was the man in 312 dead
also?”

"He said he wasn't," replies Moishe calmly, "but you know what liars these
politicians are.”

At the latest summit talks, Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev are
continually arguing about whose country is number one, Russia or America.

Finally, in order not to start the third world war, they decided to settle it between
themselves by running a marathon race.

The next morning at eight o'clock, the two world leaders start the race. Two
and a half hours later, Gorbachev happily passes the finish line, but it is another
six hours before Reagan makes it. He is utterly exhausted, but not beaten yet.

The following morning the WASHINGTON POST runs the story: "In a very
dramatic marathon race our great president came in an excellent second. We
hear that Gorbachev also participated, but he came in second to last.”

A young hotel porter in Washington is brought to court for raping one of the
maids. The maid alleges that she was leaning out of the window to watch the
president of America drive along the street below in a parade. The porter
lowered the window on her, trapped her, and had his way with her.

"But, Miss," says the judge, "why did you not start screaming?”
"What?" cries the horrified maid, "and have everyone think I was supporting
Ronald Reagan?”

Mabel, the young office girl, is walking along the beach in despair. She is flat-
chested and gets really upset watching all the other big-breasted girls attracting
all the handsome men on the beach.

As she walks along, her foot kicks a small glass bottle lying in the sand. She picks
it up and pulls out the cork. There is a flash of light and out pops a genie.

"Who are you?" gasps a frightened Mabel. "I am the genie of the glass bottle,"
replies the apparition, "and for your kindness in releasing me, I will grant you
any wish!”

"That's great!" shouts Mabel. "I would like to have the two biggest boobs in the
world!”

The genie waves his hand, and Poof ! There stand Ronald Reagan and Pope the
Polack.

Ronald Reagan is flying to India to meet Rajiv Gandhi when the plane is
diverted to Bombay airport. In the extra confusion caused by his arrival Ronald
Reagan gets lost in the crowd and finds himself being harassed by an
immigration official.

Reagan allows his passport to be processed through the computer, but when the
computer shows that he is a dangerous criminal and should not be permitted to
enter India, Ronald Reagan loses his temper.

"This Bombay," he shouts, "it is the asshole of the world!”

"Yes sir," agrees the immigration man. “Just passing through, are you?”

Ronald Reagan orders the American post office to have his portrait printed on a
special edition of postage stamps.

When he hears that the stamps are not selling very well, he summons the
Postmaster General to his office in the White House and demands to know the
reason why. "Well," explains the postmaster, "it is because the stamps would not
stick to the envelopes.”

Reagan is furious and asks why the post office does not use the right glue for the
stamps. "It is not the glue," says the postmaster, "it is because everybody spits on
the wrong side!”

Ronald Reagan and Ed Meese are going for a walk in the grounds of the White
House, when they notice a large dog licking its private parts.

"Boy," says Reagan, "I would love to be able to do that.”

"Then go ahead," says Meese, "but if I were you I would make friends with him
first.”

Gorbachev and Ronald Reagan are traveling in a plane together when Reagan
says, “If I throw a one dollar bill out of the plane, I will make someone happy.”

"Okay," says Gorbachev, "but if I throw out a one hundred ruble note I will
make one hundred people happy.”

"In that case," says Reagan, "I will throw out a million dollars and make a
million people happy.”

"Go ahead," says Gorbachev, "and then I will throw you out and make the
whole world happy.”

Ronald Reagan is driving in the countryside when he loses control and skids in a
ditch. He walks to the nearby farmhouse and introduces himself to the farmer
and manages to persuade him to come and pull the car out of the ditch. The
farmer gets his cart horse, hitches it to the car, and after a lot of effort, gets the
car back on the road. Ronald Reagan gets out his wallet and offers the farmer
five dollars.

The farmer looks at him hard and then leans over to his horse and whispers
something. Immediately the horse pricks up its ears and drops its giant dong.
Reagan is amazed. “I will give you another five dollars," he says, "if you tell me
what you said to make your horse get such an erection.” The farmer grabs the
five dollars and says, "I told him that all politicians are cocksuckers!”
Ronald Reagan gets into bed with Nancy. Ronnie is feeling very horny, so he
turns to Nancy and says, "Oh, Nancy, I would like to launch my missile into
your Gulf.”

Nancy says, "Oh, Ronnie, you are so romantic, but you have not been able to
bring your missile up since the second world war.”

Ronnie pleads, "But Nancy, I think I can do it if you would only have faith in
me.” Nancy replies, "But honestly, Ron, it has been so long since we made war
that I would not know where to begin’.” Frustrated, Ronnie says, "God, I hate
peace!”

Ronald Reagan is grooming himself in front of the mirror before leaving to

make an important speech on television.

"I wonder how many great men there are in the world?" he muses.

Nancy looks up and says, "One less than you think.”

Rajiv Gandhi, Mikhail Gorbachev and Ronald Reagan are doing a fact-finding
tour of India. They are driving through Calcutta when they see a little boy
squatting by the side of the road, and decide to talk to him. Gandhi walks over
and asks him What he is doing.

"I'm mixing shit and sand," replies the boy. “And what are you doing that for?"
asks Gandhi. "I'm going to make a statue of Gorbachev" replies the boy.

Gandhi goes back to the car and reports what the boy has said. Gorbachev is
very impressed, and seeming a potential communist, goes to speak to the boy
himself.

"What are you doing, my boy?" he asks. "I'm mixing shit and sand," replies the
boy. "And what will you do with it?" asks the Soviet premier. "I'm going to make
a statue of Mahatma Gandhi," says the boy.

Gorbachev is confused and reports back to the car. So then Reagan walks over
to the boy and asks, "What are you doing, my son?” "I'm mixing shit and sand,"
replies the boy.
"And I suppose," says Reagan, "that you are going to make a statue of me.”
"No," says the boy. "I can’t. I have not got enough shit.”

Porky Parkski, a Soviet diplomat, is visiting the West on a trade mission. He is

besieged by many questions from people wanting to know more about
communism.

"You mean to tell me," asks Buster Chubbs of the US trade delegation, "that by
being a communist, you share everything?”

"Yes," replies Porky. "You mean," continues Buster, "if you had two houses you
would give me one?” "Of course," says Porky.

"And if you had two cars, you would give me one?" asks Buster.

"Certainly," replies the Russian.

"And if you had two stoves, or televisions, or refrigerators you would give me
one of each?" asks the dubious Buster. "Naturally," says Porky.

"And if," Buster goes on, "you had two shirts, you would give me one?”

"No!" snaps Porky, emphatically. "Why not?" asks Buster. “Because,” says Porky,
proudly, “I HAVE two shirts!”

Ronald Reagan steps down from the plane and goes into the airport in Mexico.
He is very full of his own sense of self-importance and keeps snapping
instructions to his attendants.

A sleazy-looking Mexican man sidles up to him and whispers, “Hey, Americano.

I get what you hk'e — feelthy pictures, marijuana, girls, boys.”

"Who let this man in here?" asks Reagan, pushing the Mexican away. "My
business is with the president.”

"I can fix that," replies the Mexican, "but for a president you will have to pay a
little extra.”
While waiting for Ronald Reagan's press conference to start, one reporter
approaches a man standing in the corner of the hall.

"Hey," he says, "have you heard the latest Ronald Reagan joke?”

The man gives him an icy stare. "Before you tell it," he says, "I must inform you
that I work in the White House as his personal secretary.”

"Thanks for the warning," says the reporter, "I will tell it very, very, very slowly.”

Shimon Peres, the prime minister of Israel, Rajiv Gandhi, the prime minister of
India, and Ronald Reagan from America, are driving together to a conference
when their car breaks down and they are forced to spend the night at a small
motel.

"I'm sorry," says the clerk, "but we have only one room left and it's a double. But
one of you can sleep in the barn. We will make it comfortable.”

"No problem," says Rajiv Gandhi, "I will sleep there.”

A short while later, the other two men are getting ready for bed, when there is a
knock on the door. Gandhi is standing in the hallway. "I'm sorry," he says, "but I
can't sleep with a holy cow.”

“So, I will sleep in the barn," says Shimon Peres and off he goes. A few minutes
later, he is back. "I'm sorry," he says, "but being Jewish, I can't sleep with a pig.”

Ronald Reagan shrugs and says, "I guess I will sleep in the barn." He leaves.

Gandhi and Peres are just getting into bed, when they hear a knock at the door.
They open it and standing there are the pig and the cow.

Mrs. Ivan the Terrible is having lunch with Mrs. Attila the Hun and Nancy
Reagan. The three women get down to some serious gossiping.

Mrs. Ivan the Terrible says, "When I want Ivan to make love to me, I send out
for half a dozen naked virgins and have them ride around the bedroom
bareback on ponies for an hour or two. It never fails to make Ivan excited.”
"Mmm," says Mrs. Attila the Hun, "my method is to have four pair's of women
sumo wrestlers fighting in a large pool of mud in our bedroom. That usually
works well to keep Attila awake long enough to make love to me.”

Nancy says, "I must be luckier with my Ronnie in that way. You girls have such
a mess in your bedrooms with all that mud and horse shit. If I want to keep
Ronnie awake all I have to do is whisper in his ear, ‘Darling, Osho is back in
America,’ and he immediately screams, ‘Get Ed Meese on the phone. Call the
FBI. Call the CIA. Call the Army. And for God's sake, give me my heart attack
pill’s!'"

What is the difference between a dead snake lying in the road and a dead politician lying in the
road? Whom will you avoid first?

If Ronald Reagan is lying dead on the road and a dead snake is lying on the road, I suggest,
although both are beautiful, that you avoid Ronald Reagan first! Politicians cannot be trusted
whether they are really dead or not.

And if you see a politician and a snake lying dead, you will also see one thing: there will be
skid marks in front of the snake, not in front of the politician.

The Communist Party in' Russia had a membership drive. The rules were as
follows: Any communist who could recruit a new member would no longer have
to pay dues. If he got two members he would be permitted to leave the party.

And if he recruited three members, he would receive a certificate stating that he

had never belonged to the party in the first place.

A priest, a backpacker and Ronald Reagan are flying in a plane. Suddenly the
pilot runs in and says, "The plane is about to crash. There are only three
parachutes and I am taking one." And he jumps out.

Ronald Reagan grabs the next parachute and says, "I am the smartest man in
America and America needs me." Then he jumps too.

The priest turns to the backpacker and says, "I am an old man. You take this
last parachute and jump.”
The backpacker laughs and says, "Don't worry Father, the smartest man in
America just grabbed my backpack and jumped.”

A Bible-bashing Baptist is preaching to aTexas businessman, who doubts the

miracle of divine punishment.

"Let me tell you," says the preacher, "about a remarkable occurrence. On the
TV news last night there was a story about a politician who was struck by
lightning while he was telling a lie. A miraculous incident, was it not?”

“Well, I don't know," drawls the Texan. "It would be more of a miracle if
lightning struck a politician when he WASN'T lying.”

At a doctor's convention, a conversation is taking place in the pub at the end of

the day’s activities.

An Israeli doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take

an eyeball out of one person and put it in another and have him looking for
work in six weeks.”

A German doctor says, “Ja, that's nothing. In Germany, we can take a lung out
of one person and put it in someone else and have him looking for work in a
month.”

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take
half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for
work in two weeks.”

An American doctor, not wanting to be outdone, says, "That's nothing. We can

take an asshole out of Hollywood, put it in the White House, and have half the
nation looking for work the next day!”

Ronald Reagan dies and goes to hell. The Devil ushers him in and Reagan is
very surprised. Instead of the eternal fires he had always expected, there is only
a big pool full of shit. The Devil explains that the more evil you were on earth,
the more you are covered with shit here. And indeed, Reagan looks around and
sees many former friends and colleagues. One scene catches his eye. In a far
corner there is Adolf Hitler with his right arm raised to the sky in salute, and
the shit only comes up to his ankles.
Reagan calls to the Devil and asks, "What about him? He was very evil on earth
- why is he only covered in shit up to his ankles?” The Devil shouts, "Hey, Hitler,
when will you learn to stand on your own feet instead of always standing on
Pope the Polack's head?”

It is the late night news broadcast on CBS, at the height of the hostage problem
in Iran. The newscaster announces, "And here is the latest flash.There is some
good news and some bad news. First the good news: Racquel Welch has offered
to give herself in exchange for the hostages and the Ayatollah Khomeini has
accepted.

Now the bad news: Teddy Kennedy is driving her to the airport.”

Ed Meese comes into the oval office one morning and says, "Mr. President, I
was wondering, sir, if it might be possible for my son to work somewhere in the
White House.”

"Of course," replies Reagan, “what does he do?”

Meese throws up his arms and says, "Well, actually he does nothing.”

"Excellent," replies Reagan, “we won't have to train him’."

After being elected as President of America, Ronald Reagan returns to the

small town where he grew up. "I suppose you folks here all know of the great
honor that has been conferred on me?" he asks an old school friend.

"Yes," comes the reply.

"And what do they all say about it?" Reagan asks.

"They don't say anything," replies the man. "They just laugh.”

Ronald Reagan goes in a bar in Washington looking for some action. He sees
three women sitting together, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde, he says, "I'm the President; how much would it cost me to spend
the night with you?”
"Two hundred bucks," she says.

He asks the brunette the same question and she says, "Three hundred bucks.”

Then he asks the redhead, and she says, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt
as high as my taxes, then get my panties as low as my wages, then get that thing
of yours as hard as the times, and screw me the way you screw the public,
believe me, Mr. President, it won't cost you a penny.”

A few years ago, when Ronald Reagan is still a third-rate movie actor, his little
daughter is watching him in the shower. She points to his testicles and asks what
they are. "Those are my apples, dear," replies Reagan. Quickly the child runs
away and tells her mother what Reagan has said.

Nancy replies, "That's nice, dear, but did he tell you about the dead branch they
are hanging on?”

Nancy and Ronald Reagan go out to a restaurant for dinner. The waiter
approaches them and asks Nancy what she would like to eat. "I would like to
have a steak," says Nancy.

"And would you like to have some wine with your meal?" asks the waiter.

“Yes,” she replies. "A bottle of your finest.”

The waiter then asks, "Then how about the vegetable?”

"Ah," says Nancy, "he will have the same as me.”

Ronald Reagan has always had a complex about his small prick. One day he is
taking a piss next to Ed Meese when he notices that Meese's prick is enormous.

"My God, Ed!" exclaim's Reagan. "THAT is a fair-sized organ!”

"Well," says Meese, "it wasn't always this big. But every night I gave it three
whacks against the bedpost, and before I knew it, it started to grow.” Reagan
thinks this over very carefully and then decides to give it a try. When he goes up
to bed that night, Nancy is already asleep. So he tiptoes over to the bed and
whacks his prick against the bedpost three times. Nancy wakes up and
murmurs, "Ed, is that you?”

It is Monday morning in Washington and Ed Meese comes into the president's

office looking very depressed.

"My God, Ed," says Ronald Reagan. "You look terrible.What happened?“

"Well, Mr. President, sir," replies Meese, "I had a terrible week. On Monday I
crashed my car and had to pay ten thousand dollars to get it fixed. On Tuesday
my daughter ran off to Poona. On Wednesday the stock market crashed. On
Thursday I caught my wife in bed with the gardener. On Friday my son died,
and on Saturday my house burned down.”

"Good Lord," cries Reagan, "what a terrible week. Was there nothing positive in
it?”

"Oh yes," replies Meese. "On Sunday I got my AIDS test result.”

Ronald Reagan and his entourage are flying to Japan when the plane is forced
to land in the Pacific Ocean. Escaping from the plane they are washed up on a
desert island and find themselves without food or water.

The next morning they notice the wreckage of the plane only two hundred
yards from the shore, but they also see sharks. "I'll swim out and get some food,"
volunteers one man, "I used to be a lifeguard." He dives into the water but the
sharks soon find him and he is forced to return.

Another man steps forward, "I am the President's bodyguard and those sharks
had better watch out!" He gets twenty yards into the surf before racing back to
the beach with sharks snapping at his heels.

Suddenly Reagan jumps up. "I am the President and I can manage it. I will
bring back some food," he declares. No one takes much notice, but when he
strides down to the beach everyone becomes alarmed.

He enters the water and immediately eight sharks form a two-lane escort, and
help him to the plane and back again. "It is a miracle!" cries Nancy.

"Nonsense!" snaps Reagan. "It is just professional courtesy.”

Nancy Reagan has been looking over every paper fan on the stall, feeling them,
holding them, waving them back and forth. Finally she buys the cheapest - a
one-dollar fan.

The next day she returns holding the fan which was ripped down the middle.
“Look what happened," she says to the shopkeeper. "I want my money back.”

The shopkeeper says, "I am not a rich man, madam. How much did I charge
you for this fan?”

"A dollar, " answers Nancy. "And what did you do with it?" asks the shopkeeper.

“I am not silly”, she snaps. “I waved it back and forth in front of my face.”

"Well," says the shopkeeper, "that is your problem. That's what you do with a
five-dollar fan. With a one-dollar fan you hold the fan still and you wave your
head!”

Hymie and Becky Goldberg are with their teen-age son, Herschel, on holiday i'
California. Herschel is jogging down the beach when he happens to see
someone drowning, not far from the shore. Rushing into the surf, he pulls the
man out. Much to his surprise it is Ronald Reagan.

The president sits up in the sand, and when he finally manages to catch his
breath, he says, "Young man, that was a heroic deed you just did. In such
uncertain times as today, with the stock market crash and the Middle East crisis,
the world can't do without me. Tell me son, if there is anything I can do for you,
just let me know.”

Herschel thinks for a minute, "You know there is one thing.”

"Name it," Ronald Reagan urges. "I would like to be buried with my surfboard
in Surfers’ Paradise Beach, here in California.”

The request takes Ronald Reagan by surprise. "I don't understand," he says.
"From the looks of you, you're in perfect health.”

"Oh,I am," answers Herschel. "But when my father finds out whose life I just
saved, he’s gonna kill' me!”
Ronald Reagan is brought to trial on a charge of molesting a female
chimpanzee at the Washington Zoo. He is convicted quickly by a unanimous
decision. Afterwards, old Judge Grump looks at Reagan and says, "Mr.
President, Sir, do you have anything to say to this court before I pass sentence
on you?”

"Your honor," says the senile president, "only one thing: If I had known there
would be such a fuss about all this, I would have married the bitch!”

George Bush, the vice president of America, walks in the Oval Office one
morning to find Ronald Reagan laughing hysterically.

"Mr. President, sir," inquires Bush, "what on earth is so funny?”

"I just found out that Ed Meese has been paying twenty dollars every time he
screws Nancy," chokes the delirious president.

"My God!" screams Bush. "That is not funny! That is a national scandal!”

"Why?" laughs Reagan, Wiping his eyes. "That idiot! I screw her for free!”

Ronald Reagan blinks at Nancy Reagan across the breakfast table, while he
spreads butter on his tie, and looks at his toast.

"How can you possibly say that I am absent-minded?" he asks.

"Well, Ronnie," inquires Nancy, "can you explain to me why you forgot to put
your pants on yesterday before you went to meet Mr. Gorbachev?”

"Meet Mr. WHO? Did I do that?" asks Reagan, scratching his head. "How odd!
I don’t remember doing that at all. In fact, there are only three things I can't
remember. I can’t remember names, I can't remember faces…and I can't
remember what the third thing is!”

The difference between a politician and an English lady…

When a politician says yes, he means maybe. When he says maybe, he means
no. If he says no, he's no politician.
When an English lady says no, she means maybe. When she says maybe, she
means yes. If she says yes, she's no lady.

A reporter asks Ronald Reagan, "Mr. President, with all the problems in the
world today, how do you manage to sleep at night?”

"I sleep like a baby," replies Reagan. "I cry a little and I wet the bed.” Ronald
Reagan is addressing a massed gathering of American farmers. He begins by
telling a couple of jokes to try and get the men of the land on his side. Realizing
that this is not working he tries another approach.

He draws himself up to his full height and begins, "Fellow pioneers! I want you
to know that when I became president, the country's economy stood on the
edge of an abyss. I am proud to tell you that since then we have made a brave
step forward!”

The US Navy is looking for recruits to fight in its latest war in the Persian Gulf.
Due to lack of interest, the draft is reintroduced and Herschel Goldberg, the
young student, is called up. During his physical examination he pretends to have
poor eyesight, in order to be judged unfit to fight.

But the doctor does not believe him, so he sends for a gorgeous young nurse and
tells her to slowly take off all her clothes. "Describe what you see, young man,"
the doctor demands.

"All I see is a blur, doctor," stammers Herschel. "Well," says the doctor, "your
eyes may not be as good as they should be - but your missile is pointing straight
at the gulf.”

Three famous surgeons are bragging together over their morning coffee. The
first says, “I grafted an arm onto a man and now he is a professional golfer.”

"That's nothin'g," says the second, "I grafted a leg onto a man and now he's one
of the world's best long distance runners.”

"So what?" says the third, "I grafted a smile onto a donkey and now he is the
president of America.”
Ronald Reagan comes home and finds Nancy in bed with his very best friend,
Edwin Meese. “Hey,” cries Ronny, “what are you doing?”

"See," Nancy says to Meese, "I told you he was stupid.”

Mrs. Reagan boards a train in Washington late one night and is escorted to an
upper berth. Nancy climbs up, stretches out and tries to sleep. However, a man
in the lower berth is snoring. His loud snores become so unbearable, the
President's wife leans over and jabs the man with her umbrella.

He wakes up immediately, looks up at her and says. "It won't do you no good,
lady, I had a good look at you when you got on the train."

Ronald Reagan and George Bush go hiking together in the Montana

mountains. They have been walking all day, discussing the forthcoming
presidential election, and Ronald is giving George lots of advice about how to
wear his make-up and look good on TV.

Suddenly they look up and see a huge grizzly bear coming over the hill towards
them. Immediately, Bush reaches into his pack and pulls out a pair of running
shoes. Then he starts taking off his hiking boots, and putting on the sneakers.

"Hey," says Ronald, nervously. "You don't think you can outrun that grizzly
bear, do you?”

"I don't have to," says Bush, with a grin. "I just have to outrun you!”

Ronald Reagan is on his last legs as president. So to impress the world with his
sense of culture, he opens a new art gallery in Washington DC.

Reagan invites Pope the Polack, Margaret Thatcher and Mikhail Gorbachev
and also his old buddy, Bonzo, the chimpanzee.

Ronald and his tour guide, Reginald the homosexual, are giving these world
famous figures a special tour of the collection of priceless paintings. "Ah, yes,"
says Reagan, the amateur art connoisseur, “this painting is by Rembrandt.”
"No, it is not," says Reginald, "this is by Salvador Dali." The group pauses for a
moment, takes a deep breath, and then moves on. "And this one," says Reagan
proudly, "is painted by Monet.”

"No," corrects Reginald again', "this is painted by Van Gogh.”

At the next painting, Reagan stands motionless. He stares at it this way and that
way, and then he scratches his head.

"Well, I'm sure this must be a Picasso," he says loudly to the group.

"Wrong again', Ronnie," replies Reginald. "That is a mirror!”

Fading American president, Ronald Reagan, and his pal, Pope the Polack, are
sunbathing on the beach in the south of France. Suddenly, a beautiful looking
girl strolls by and winks at the Polack pope. Nervously, the Polack turns to
Ronald for advice.

"What should I do?" asks the pope.

"Quick," says Ronnie, his eyes twitching, "wink back!” So Pope the Polack winks
back. Then the girl winks again, and smiles a big grin at the Polack.

“Jesus Christ!" exclaims the pope, sitting straight up. "Now what do I do?”

"Quick, you idiot," cries the ancient president, "wink and smile back at her!" So
Pope the Polack winks and smiles.

At this, the girl slowly removes her bikini top, and then seductively takes off her
panties, dropping them in the sand.

"Wow!" slobbers the pope. "What in God's name do I do now?”

Ronald is shaking with excitement and he says, "Hey, man, just show her your
nuts!”

"What?" cries the Polack pope, frantically searching his pocket. "I’ve eaten all
my nuts!”

The aging, dilapidated president, Ronald Reagan, is waiting to board the official
presidential plane that is taking him to Europe.
His personal secretary Reginald, who has come to see him off, leans up to
Ronnie and whispers, "What's your advice on the Homosexual Bill?”

"Oh, yes," says Reagan. "Tell him that I'll pay him when I get back!”

George Bush, the American vice president, telephones the Justice Department
at three o'clock in the morning. He insists that he must speak to the chief justice
immediately.

Finally, the housekeeper decides to wake him up. "Well, what is it?" demands
the chief justice. "Your honor," exclaims Bush, "Ronald and Nancy Reagan
have just taken poison together in the White House underground bunker, and
they are both dead!”

"Really?" says the judge, yawning. "Yes, really!" cries Bush. "The undertaker is
here already to put them in their coffins.”

"Really?" says the sleepy judge.

"Yes, really!" shouts Bush, "and since I'm the vice president, I want to take
Reagan’s place!”

"Well, it's okay with me," replies the judge, "If it's okay with the undertaker!”

It is Halloween night in Washington and there is a Ghosts and Ghouls party at

the White House. Nancy Reagan, George Bush and all the White House staff
are dressed up as monsters and witches, with hideous, ghostly masks. Everyone
is waiting excitedly for Ronald Reagan himself to appear.

"I can't wait to see Ronnie's costume," says Nancy, who is dressed as Dracula's
daughter, with a carving knife stuck through her neck.

"Me neither," replies Bush, who is disguised as Frankenstein for the evening.
"Last year Ronald really scared the shit out of everybody when he was carried
in in that coffin!” Just then, the door opens and in walks Reagan. But to
everyone's disappointment he is dressed as usual, in his dark-grey business suit.
In his hand is a little black box. "Oh, Ronald!" cries Nancy. "What a shame! We
all thought you were really going to scare us this year.”
"Scare you?" exclaims Reagan, looking round at the assembled ghosts. "I'm
seventy-five years old, I'm senile, physically weak and mentally retarded - and if
I press the button in this little box I can destroy the whole world! Doesn't that
scare you?”

Nancy Reagan is walking in the White House dining room to have lunch with
Ronald and discuss their retirement plans. Suddenly Alvin Mindbender, a close
family friend, races past Nancy in a sweat and disappears down the hall. Nancy
goes on into the dining room, sits down over a big lunch, and starts chatting to
Ronnie.

Meanwhile, in the Oval Office, Alvin Mindbender is frantically phoning all over
the country to find Vice President Bush, who is finishing up his presidential
campaign tour.

Two hours later, in Santa Fe, New Mexico, Alvin at last gets Bush on the line.
"George, thank God!" cries Alvin. "I've been trying to reach you for TWO
HOURS! There has been a terrible tragedy at the White House…!"

Meanwhile, back in the White House dining room, Nancy has just finished her
banana split dessert. "Now, Ronald," she says, wiping her mouth. "I INSIST we
take down those purple and green striped curtain's in your bedroom at the
ranch-house…"

Suddenly, Alvin, still sweating buckets, bursts in the room. Seeing Nancy
chatting to Ronald, he stops dead in his tracks, and his jaw drops open.

"Holy shit, Nancy!" screams Mindbender. "What the hell are you doing? Ronald
died two hours ago!" Nancy, takes a close look at the senile old president. "My
goodness," she says, "how can you tell?”

Paddy and Seamus are at the bar of the Pickled President pub. Paddy is telling
Seamus all about his recent trip to America.

"You know," says Paddy, "that guy Ronald Reagan, the president of America?”

"Yes," replies Seamus, scratching his head. "He's that old goat with the pet
chimpanzee, right?”
"Right," says Paddy. "Well, he has got an office in this place called the White
House.”

"Really?" says Seamus. "Is it like the White House pub?”

"Probably," says Paddy, "but in his office, on his desk, he has got a button. He
just has to push the button, and - boom! — the world is finished!”

"That doesn't sound like a good idea at all," says Seamus, slurping at another
beer. “My grandfather is less senile than that Ronald Reagan, and we don't even
allow him to push the buttons on the television!”

The elections come and Ronald Reagan is out of a job. He is sitting with Nancy
Reagan in the Oval Office for the last time, working out some economy
measures for his retirement.

"You had better learn to cook, Nancy," says Reagan, "so we can fire the chef.”

Nancy thinks it over for a few moments. "Okay," she says, "but you had better
learn to screw so we can fire the chauffeur.”

George Bush's appointment as the president of America goes to his head

completely. He becomes even more power-mad and rude and throws his weight
around a lot.

One day, Bush is invited to a big gathering of the Intellectuals of America

Society. He is pushing his way through the guests to get to lunch, when he
stomps on Professor Popoff ’s toes.

"Well," says Popoff to Bush, "the least you could do is apologize!”

“Me? Apologize?" says Bush. "Do you know who I am? I am the president of
America!”

"Thank you," says Professor Popoff. "That may not be an apology, but it is
certainly an explanation.”
Little Ernie gets the idea that it might be fun to become a politician when he
grows up. So his dad takes him to Washington to watch the inauguration of the
new American president, George Bush.

Little Ernie notices Father Fungus, the bishop of New York, standing on the
podium next to the new president.

"Dad," whispers Ernie, "Is the priest there to pray for the president?”

"No, son," replies his dad. "The truth is that the priest looks at the president -
and then prays for the rest of the world.”

Rambo Retard, the American, and Boris Bog, the Russian, are sitting in
McDonald's in Santa Fe, discussing communism. "In America we have such
freedom," claim's Rambo Retard, stuffing his mouth with a cheeseburger. "For
example, any man who wants to can walk right up to the steps of the White
House and call President Bush an asshole!”

"Ah!" retorts Boris, the Russian. "We have equal freedom in Russia. Any man
who wants to can walk right up to the steps of the Kremlin and call President
Bush an asshole, too!”

Muffin Snuffler, the White House cleaner, is polishing the floor in the Oval
Office one day, when he looks up at George Washington’s portrait and sees the
lips moving. Shocked and a little frightened, Muffin edges closer to the portrait
and listens to America's hero speak.

"Bring me a horse!" commands Washington. "I am going to put this country in

order!”

Muffin races out of the office and bumps straight into President George Bush.
“Mister President, sir," he screams, "George Washington’s portrait just spoke to
me!”

"Don't be an idiot!" snaps Bush. "Pictures don't talk!”

And he walks in the Oval Office and over to the painting. But before he reaches
it, George Washington speaks again.
"Hey, Muffin!" shouts Washington. "l told you to bring me a horse - not a
donkey!”

It is quiet in the Kremlin, in Moscow, one morning, and Mikhail Gorbachev is

just finishing his black bread toast when the phone rings.

"Hey, Mikey," comes the voice of George Bush on the other end. "You must
come here right away - I have something to show you!”

So Gorbachev finishes his breakfast, flies over to America, and arrives at the
White House. He is escorted to George Bush's office, where Bush shows him a
large black machine with three buttons sitting on a table.

"You must try this," says Bush. "It is our latest American technology. Just push
one button.”

Gorbachev steps forward with a big smile on his face, pushes the first button,
and a giant red boxing 🥊 glove springs out and POW! - punches him on the
nose.

Laughing, George Bush picks Gorbachev off the floor. "That was very good,
Mikhail'; now try button number two!”

Dazed, but still smiling, Gorbachev pushes the second button, and POW! - a
huge white boxing glove belts him on the nose, knocking him to the floor.

“Just great!” giggles Bush, lifting Gorbachev again. "Come on now be a sport.
Try number three!”

Stunned, but in the interest of friendship, Gorbachev pushes the third button. A
massive blue boxing glove jumps out and POW! — cracks Gorbachev on the
chin. An hour later when Gorbachev wakes up, he flies back home to Moscow.

Two weeks pass, and George Bush is in the bath, when he gets a phone call from
the Kremlin.

"Hey, Georgie," says Gorbachev. "I have something you MUST see. Come right
away!” Bush gets into Air Force One, the presidential jet, and flies directly to
Moscow. When he arrives at the Kremlin, Gorbachev excitedly shows him a
huge black machine with two buttons sitting on his desk. "Go on, George," says
Gorbachev. "Try it! It is our latest technology.”
Smiling nervously, Bush steps forward, touches the first button, and ducks his
head to one side. Nothing happens.

"Well, okay," says Gorbachev, "then try the second button.”

Bush edges towards the machine, reaches out, touches the second button, and
quickly leans back. Again, nothing happens.

"Very good, Mikhail," laughs Bush. "I enjoyed that very much. But I am a busy
man, and I must get back home to America!”

"America?" says Gorbachev. "What America?”

Unsuspected by the American public, President George Bush has a grave

problem. He has secretly been going to see Doctor Mindbender, the White
House psychiatrist, for some intense therapy.

One morning, George Bush is lying on the shrink’s couch, just babbling - away.

"I am a nice man, really I am," says George, in his best TV voice. "I am the ex-
director of the CIA. I have a college degree; I am a respectable, quiet family
man. I lead an unblemished life. I always contribute to Mother Teresa's charity
fund, and I often visit Father Fungus to have a heart-to-heart chat. I have
nothing to reproach myself with, yet I keep having this disturbing delusion, this
nagging feeling, that I am a violent mass murderer.”

"Hmmmm," says Doctor Mindbender, as he quietly locks the door, and pulls
down the blinds. "You must not worry, George. This is quite common among
many mild-mannered, quiet people like yourself. But before we proceed, would
you mind putting down your sub-machine gun?”

Finally, Ronald Reagan is retired into private life. After leaving the White
House, he and Nancy return to living normal lives on their ranch in California,
and are just as happy as little rats.

One day, Ronald decides he wants to take Nancy shopping, so he gets her into
the car and they drive to the local shopping mall. Then Reagan takes Nancy
into the huge Dingbat’s Department Store.
As they walk in, Ronald looks up and sees a sign by the door that reads: "Please
leave your bag outside.”

"Gee, Nancy," says Ronald, turning to his wife. "Sorry, but you will have to wait
here!”

It is Easter Sunday in the White House private chapel, and George Bush has
invited the TV preacher Jimmy Bakker for a special sermon. The entire White
House staff is forced to attend the service, as Jimmy Bakker gives them all a
hellfire and damnation speech about the wages of sin.

When it comes time for the collection plate to be passed around, Jimmy Bakker
is amazed to see a one hundred dollar bill lying amongst the nickels and dimes.

"Praise the Lord!" shouts preacher Bakker. "Will the person who put in this one
hundred dollar note please stand up and choose three hymns!”

"Goody!" cries Reginald, President Bush's private secretary, jumping to his feet
and pointing to three big secret service agents. "I choose him, him and him!”

Ronald Reagan picks himself up off the street outside the exclusive Big Deal
Restaurant. "I guess I don't have anything to complain about," says Reagan, as
he dusts himself off. "They treated me all right!”

"What do you mean, ‘treated you all right'?" asks Reginald, Ronnie‘s private
secretary, straightening Reagan out. "They threw you out, didn't they?”

"Yes they did," replies Reagan. "They threw me out through the kitchen into the
street.

Then I told the manager that I used to be the president of America, so he

picked me up gently, brushed me off, and escorted me back into the restaurant.
Then he threw me out of the front door!”

I have heard that a scientist, a surgeon, and a politician were talking together.
The scientist said, “If God created the world, then certainly it is a work of
science and God is a scientist. “
The surgeon said, “It is true, but you must remember that Adam, the first man,
and Eve, the first woman, prove that God was a surgeon. Because he created
Eve by surgery, taking a rib out of Adam while he was asleep. And he must have
been a great surgeon, because there was no anesthesia, no chloroform, and he
took the whole rib out of Adam. That proves him to be a great surgeon.”

“Before that," the scientist said, "all was chaos.”

And the politician said, “Aha! Who created the chaos? God created the world,
that's okay but who created the chaos out of which he had to create the world?
That proves God is a politician!”

Nancy Reagan goes to the psychiatrist and tells him that her husband Ronald
has started eating dog food. The shrink tells her not to worry and that such
problems are usually short-lived.

But to be on the safe side, he asks Nancy to bring in a sample of the dog food
for analysis.

He discovers that there is nothing harmful in it, and assures Nancy that Ronald
should be back to normal in a week. Sure enough, next week, Nancy Reagan is
back.

"So," says the shrink, "how is your husband? Back to normal I hope?”

"I am afraid not," says Nancy, "he is dead!”

"Dead?" cries the shrink, "what happened?”

"Well," replies Nancy, "he was licking his balls in the driveway, and I
accidentally backed the car over him!"

5. SEX
BELOVED OSHO,

QUITE OFTEN, IN YOUR MOST RECENT DISCOURSES, WHEN YOU

ARE TELLING YOUR WILDEST AND DIRTIEST JOKES I FIND
MYSELF UNABLE TO LAUGH!

I FIND MYSELF REACTING. SOME OLD FEMINIST IS FREAKING

OUT IN THE BACK OF MY MIND, SERIOUSLY NOTING DOWN THE
"MALENESS" AND "COARSENESS" OF YOUR JOKES. AM I JUSTA
REPRESSED ENGLISH PRUDE, OR ARE YOU UPTO SOMETHING
HERE?

BELOVED MASTER, PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT IS GOING ON.

Premdipa, I have never told a single joke in my whole life. What are you talking
about? I am a serious man! Just look: am saying I am a serious man and they are
laughing! Am I telling a joke? Strange…

But a few things you have pointed out in your absurd question. Absurd, because I don’t tell
jokes. Nobody has ever heard…I think everybody here can be a witness. Raise your hands…
(EVERYONE DELIGHTEDLY COMPLIES WITH THE REQUEST.) Nobody has
heard! Still, I will consider your question - against so many witnesses.

It is true - I am wild. But what I say is not the wildest. That I am keeping for my last
moment; something beautiful, before I leave the body. And what do you call “dirtiest”? In life,
there is nothing which makes you feel this way. But things have been repressed in you, and
because of repression you have started feeling about these things that they are dirty.

Just ask a small boy, “Is anything dirty in your body?” And he will say, “I don’t know. I don’t
see anything dirty. Everything is perfectly beautiful, healthy and functional.”

What you are calling the dirtiest jokes are those jokes which are condemned by your religions.
Basically, because all the religions are against sex, anything that refers to sex becomes dirty.

It is midnight in Miami, and Glamorous Gladys arrives for a winter holiday to

find that all the hotels are full.

The receptionist at the four-star Screwing Sands Hotel suggests that he can put
her in to share a room with a nice man on the fifth floor, named Donald
Dickstein. Gladys likes the idea and takes the room.
She enters the room quietly, takes a peek, and sees Donald sleeping in one of
the beds. Then she turns on the bathroom light, leaves the door open, and
begins to slowly and seductively take off her dress. Then she ever so slowly
removes her bra. Bending in the light, she takes her sweet time slipping off her
black lace panties.

Finally, she saunters around the room completely naked, and gets into her bed.
Then she leans over and whispers to Donald, "Would you like to come in my
bed?”

"No thanks," croaks Donald, wide awake. "I've already come in mine!”

It took thousands of years in the West for a Sigmund Freud to be born and to have courage to
talk about sex openly. And he was condemned by all the so-called sophisticated and cultured
and educated and powerful people as a dirty old man. Talking about something which should
not be talked about.

Sadie arrives home ecstatic from her date. She tosses her coat over a chair, drops
her bag on the floor, and throws the rest of her clothing, with abandon, around
her bedroom.

When she comes down to breakfast the next morning, her mother asks her if
she had a good time.

"Wonderful!" sighs Sadie, "I had a WONDERFUL time.”

"I guess so," remarks her mother. "Your panties are still stuck to the ceiling.”

But in the East the situation is different. Not today - today the West has contaminated the East
completely. There exists a beautiful book, almost ten thousand years old, KAMASUTRAS. It
means ‘maxims on sex'; it is the oldest book on sexology. And the East has not condemned the
man who wrote the book but has accepted him in the same category as Gautam Buddha: a seer,
a man with clarity, a man with purity, a man of tremendous wisdom and understanding.

You will be surprised to know - and it is unfortunate - that Sigmund Freud, Jung or Adler
never came to know about KAMASUTRAS; otherwise they would have felt that they were just
beginners. The science had been almost completely developed ten thousand years before, by
another man.
He describes eighty-four postures of making love - illustrated. You will be thinking: eighty-four?
The West has known only one posture.

When Christian missionaries came to the East, people were very much puzzled: "These people
are strange. They are fixed only on one posture.” They called that posture "the missionary
posture” because the first Christians who came were missionaries - the man on top. And the
Eastern people thought that, "This is so brutal - the beast on top of the beauty, heavy, doing
push-ups. He can do push-ups anywhere; why torture that woman?”And the woman is lying
there almost in deep meditation; she does not even open her eyes because that is’ against culture.
A woman, if she makes any movements while making love, is thought to be against culture.

I have heard that on a sea beach in France a man was caught making love to a dead woman.
He was drunk.

In the court he said, “Drunk or not drunk, I would have made love to that woman because I
thought she was English! She was lying so ladylike, she did not make any movement. She did
not even open her eyes. What more do you want? And I have not done any harm, just a few
push-ups.”

Vatsyayana condemns that posture, and his condemnation is very scientific. It is still not
accepted by sexologists, but they will have to accept it. The woman has to be on top, not the
man. The man has to remain meditative, and the woman has to do every kind of thing that she
wants to do. That is the only possibility for the man and woman both to attain to Orgasm,
because there is a disparity between man and woman: the man comes to ejaculation too soon.
And there is no reverse gear; you cannot even say “Stop! Stop!” Nothing will happen, nobody is
going to listen to you. The marathon race has begun.

The woman is very slow in warming up, and if she does some push-ups she may warm up.
And if the man remains meditative, cool and calm, the marathon race can wait till the woman
is ready and gives the signal: "Okay!" Only then can they have together an experience which is
very close to meditation.

While all the others are hanging around, Silvester Sperm is exercising doing
push-ups, swimming laps and lifting weights.

One of the other sperms asks him, "Silvester, how come you spend so much
time exercising?”

"Well," replies Silvester very seriously, "when the time comes, I want to be the
one.”

"Ah, really," says the sperm. "Well, your chances are about one in a million.”
Just then the time comes and all the sperms start swimming. Silvester is way out
in front when all of a sudden he turns around and starts swimming back.

"What is the matter?" cries another sperm.

"Get back," cries Silvester, "get back, it's a blow job!”

Vatsyayana’s insistence is that because of this orgasmic experience, the idea of meditation was
born. Meditation is not preceded, it is SUCCEEDED by orgasmic experience. Because in
orgasmic experience the mind stops, time stops; for a moment you are nowhere… or everywhere.
That experience of being nowhere and everywhere is so pleasant that one wants to experience it
independently, not to be dependent on the sexual partner. And one has the secret: that if mind
stops and if time is forgotten - no past no future, just this moment…This moment is not part
of time. And if there is no thought, suddenly a tremendous blissfulness - as if flowers have
started showering over you.

Sidney and Sadie have had a lovers' quarrel and they have not seen each other
for two days.

Sadie is sitting moodily ,staring out of the window when the phone rings. It is
Sidney.
"I am coming over to your house tonight," he says.
"Oh no you are not!" snaps Sadie.
"And I am going to throw you on the bed," Sidney announces.
"Oh no you are not," says Sadie.
"And I am going to tear off your clothes," says Sidney, "and make love to you!”
"Oh no you are not!" says Sadie.
"And," says Sidney, "I am not even going to wear a condom!”
"Oh yes you are," says Sadie.

And who is the idiot who calls a joke concerned with sex “dirty”? No joke is dirty. It has
become dirty in your minds because your priests have been preaching against sex. Because sex
became dirty, naturally anything concerned with sex has become dirty.

Mother Superior is talking to three teenage girls who are about to leave her
orphanage.

"You are going in a wicked world!" she says. “Men will try to take advantage of
you.
They will buy you drinks, take you to their apartments, and do terrible things to
you. Then they will give you twenty dollars and kick you out!”

"Excuse me, Holy Mother," says one of the teenagers, "but do you mean these
men will take advantage of us AND give us money?”

“Yes, my child," sighs the nun. "Why do you ask?”

"Well," replies the girl, "the priests only give us candy.”

And, Premdipa, I feel sorry for you. It seems you have not known anything wild, that you have
not screamed with joy and danced with joy. Go to Avirbhava, learn something about how to
scream!

If two lovers really love, then the whole neighborhood is going to ring bells that it is happening,
firecrackers - it has happened! But people have been taught to be silent, to make love deep in the
night when everybody is asleep, when in fact the lovers are both half asleep! Cover yourself
under the blanket, do it quick. Naturally, it becomes dirty.

It is not dirty. It is one of the nicest gifts of nature to living beings. It can trigger sources of
higher consciousness in you.

I am really sorry, Premdipa. You should learn a few of the really wildest and dirtiest jokes. I
don 't know any - just for your sake, I have been working hard to find out what joke is dirty. A
few I have found…

It was at the office Christmas party. As they lay on the office reception couch in
the darkened room, their breath came hot and fast.

"Oh, Melvin, oh Melvin," she said passionately, "You've never made love to me
like this before. Is it because of the holiday spirit?”

"No," he panted. "It is probably because I am not Melvin!”

Miss Whitewash, the prim young librarian, is, in her spare time, a Lieutenant in
Christ’s Salvation Army. She moves in a new apartment, and does not know
anybody else in the building.
One day she needs a screwdriver to hang up her picture of Jesus, but she does
not have one. So, picking up her courage, she decides to borrow one from her
neighbor across the hall.

When the door is opened, she is shocked, but secretly impressed, to be

confronted by a huge, Rambo-type guy, dressed only in his underwear.

She is suitably flustered by this smiling hulk in jockey shorts, but nevertheless
manages to remember what she came for.

"Hi," she stammers. "I'm your new screw across the hall - can I use your driver,
neighbor?”

But you say, “I find myself unable to laugh. "Are you frozen? So, wherever Premdipa is
sitting…when you all laugh and you see somebody is not laughing, do everything - poke them.
At least let her giggle, if she cannot laugh. This is the house of laughter, it is not a church -
that is the dirtiest word.

And Premdipa is saying, “I find myself reacting." Wasting such a beautfiul chance! The same
energy that could have become laughter becomes reaction. And what do you gain by reaction?
What is the ultimate fulfillment out of reaction? It makes you fascist, Nazi, fundamentalist
Christian. You are on the way to hell, remember: doing the goose step!

Miss Prim, the headmistress of Bedding Down College, the all-girls' boarding
school, is giving her final speech of the year to the graduating class.

"Remember, girls," says Mrs. Wimple, stiffly, "keep your body and mind healthy
and clean. You have a new responsibility as you enter womanhood. Love is the
base on which the family is built, so don't cast yourselves away to loose and
wanton sex. Only dangers will come from it, and its pleasures are only transient.
While you lose grace and respectability, you may gain disease and pregnancy…
and all for what? An hour's worth of pleasure!”

Suddenly, a voice from the back shouts out, "How do you make it last an hour?”

And she is making such great statements: “Some old feminist is freaking out in the back of my
mind.” So? It is perfectly good that you have become aware that some old femimst is living in
the back of your mind - let it freak out!
My purpose is to give you the opportunity. If you don’t use it, you miss something which you
may not find again.

She is saying - “seriously”! — "noting down the ‘maleness’ and ‘coarseness’ of your jokes. Am
I just a repressed English prude or are you up to something here?” You are certainly a repressed
English prude, and I am also up to something here. Otherwise, why should I be here?

Premdipa, don’t miss the opportunity this time. I have tried hard, because every joke seems to
me so beautiful and has such a psychological significance, a profound philosophy behind it, that
I was unable to find something dirty - seriously - for you.

But I have made the effort. Whether I have succeeded or not… your laughter will prove it.

On the first day of school, the new teacher says to her class, "All right, children.
I want you to know that I have a very difficult name, and so I am going to spell
it out for you. Tomorrow, if any of you can remember how to spell it right, I will
give you a bag of candy. My name is Miss Prussy. Spelled: P-r-u-s-s-y.”

Little Guiseppe, who has just arrived in America from Italy, really wants to do
well in his new school. That night, he goes home repeating over and over:
"PRUSSY — Miss PRUSSY.”

Guiseppe's older brother hears him and asks what he is doing. Guiseppe
explains and his brother says with a grin, "That's easy to remember. Just think
of ‘pussy' with an ‘r’."

The next day in class, Guiseppe is anxiously waiting to be called on. As the
teacher walks in, she sees Guiseppe waving his hand.

"Okay, Guiseppe," she says, "do you remember what my name is?”

In a sudden panic, Guiseppe tries to think of what his brother told him and
stutters, “It is…mmh, ah…it is Miss CRUNT!”

And you call it dirty? No? Let us try again.

One of the most m‘terestu'ig words in the English language today is the word
‘fuck’. It is a magical word. Just by its sound it can describe pain, pleasure, hate
and love. In language it falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive, “John fucked Mary," and intransitive,
"Mary was fucked by John", and as a noun, "Mary is a fine fuck." It can be used
as an adjective, “Mary is fucking beautiful’."

As you can see, there are not many words with the versatility of fuck. Besides
the sexual meaning, there are also the following uses:

Ignorance: Fucked if I know.

Trouble: I guess I am fucked now!
Fraud: I got fucked at the used car lot.
Aggression: Fuck you!
Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here?
Difficulty: I can’t understand this fucking job.
Incompetence: He is a fuck-off.
Suspicion: What the fuck are you doing?
Enjoyment: I had a fucking good time.
Request: Get the fuck out of here.
Hostility: I'm going to knock your fucking head off.
Greeting: How the fuck are you?
Apathy: Who gives a fuck?
Innovation: Get a bigger fucking hammer.
Surprise: Fuck! You scared the shit out of me!
Anxiety: Today is really fucked.

And it is very healthy if every morning you do it as a transcendental meditation

- just when you get up, first thing, repeat the mantra "fuck you" five times; it
clears your throat too!

A psychology professor is teaching a class, and tells his students that he is going
to conduct a sex survey.

He says to the class, "If you have sex once a day, raise your hand." About fifteen
percent of the students raise their hands.

"Okay," he continues; "if you have sex three times a week, raise your hand."
About forty percent do so.

"Interesting," he says. "If you have sex once a week, raise your hand." About
twenty percent do so.
The professor then asks, "If you have sex once a month, raise your hand." A few
hands go up.

Then as an afterthought he says, "If you have sex once a year, raise your hand.”

A little guy at the back of the class waves wildly, grinning from ear to ear.

"Why are you so happy?" asks the professor.

The little guy jumps up and starts to dance with joy, singing, "Tonight's the
night!”

Willie Weary, a middle-aged businessman, stumbles in to see Doctor Nutcase in

his Hollywood surgery.

“Doc, I have got this problem," confides Willie Weary. "You see, my secretary,
Millie, loves to make love. Every morning, when I get to work, instead of
bringing me a cup of coffee, she throws me across my desk and makes
passionate love to me! Then, just before lunch, she pushes me up against the
filing cabinet for a quickie. And before I leave work at the end of the day, she
always gives me a farewell screw.”

“Hmm!” says Doctor Nutcase. "So what seems to be the problem?”

"Well, you see, Doc," explains Willie Weary, "my wife, Dottie, is a
nymphomaniac. Every morning before I get up, she jumps on me and we screw
until the alarm clock goes off. Then, when I go home for lunch every day, we
have a quick one while I am eating my spaghetti. And then, each night we have
a marathon session before we go to sleep!”

"Hmm!" says Doctor Nutcase. "I still' don't see what your problem is!”

"Well, Doctor," explains Willie Weary, "I get these dizzy spells every time I jerk
off !”

On the forty-second floor of the Fast Buck Brokers building, executive vice-
president, Bilbo Ballbag, is interviewing girls for a secretarial job. After
examining many talented and capable applicants, Bilbo finally hires Gorgeous
Gloria for the job.
After two days, Gloria is bending down to get something from the bottom
drawer of the filing cabinet, and Bilbo Ballbag gets an eyeful. He immediately
calls her into his office. "Look, Gloria," he says, his eyes playing with her tits, "I
wonder if you would mind working with me over the weekend?”

"Sure," says Gloria, giving Bilbo a wink, "that would be great.”

"Good," replies Bilbo, "we can get all this extra work done aboard my luxury
sailboat!”

"Ah, dear," says Gloria, "but I get terribly seasick.”

"Don't worry!" says Bilbo, perspiring as he loosens his tie. "I will take care of
everything.”

That evening, on his way home from work, Bilbo stops in at the drugstore. He
goes up to the counter and approaches Victor Vaseline, the clerk.

"Give me a pack of Trojan condoms," says Bilbo, "and a bottle of seasickness

pills.”

"Yes, sir," says Victor, fumbling around under the counter, and discreetly
handing Bilbo the two items. "It is none of my business, Sir," continues Victor,
"but if it affects you like that, why do you bother?”

Newton Hooton drops into the Lucky Luke Saloon one evening, and orders a
triple martini. "What a coincidence," says Max, the bartender. “Just an hour
ago, I was saying that nobody ever orders a triple martini any more.”

As Max is mixing the drink, both he and Newton look up as Lucy Leggs rushes
in and asks for a triple martini. Newton and Max look at each other in
amazement.

"Hey, lady!" cries Max. "That is incredible! The gentleman here just ordered a
triple martini”, and we were just discussing how nobody ever orders that drink
these days. This is REALLY a coincidence!”

"Well," says Lucy, "I am celebrating a very special occasion. My husband and I
have been married for nine years, and we have always wanted a child. Just
today, I have learned that I am pregnant!”
The two men congratulate Lucy and then Newton says, "Well that is a
coincidence, because I am also celebrating a very special occasion. I have been
breeding exotic chickens for years, and I have been trying to produce a purple-
spotted hen. And just today, I found out that I have been successful.”

"What a coincidence," says Lucy. "How did you manage it?”

"Well," replies Newton, "I just changed cocks.”

"Wow!" cries Lucy. "That REALLY IS a coincidence! Me too!”

Dick Puller is the office playboy, and all the guys go to him for advice on how to
score with women. One afternoon, Muffin Snuffler takes Dick aside, and asks
him, "Tell me, Dick, how do you manage it? You are a married man but you
have a different girlfriend every night. What is your secret?”

"It is simple," replies Dick Puller. "It is all in the approach. I will tell you how to
do it. Tonight, take the five o'clock train from Penn Central Station and get off
at Trenton. At Trenton you will find dozens of women waiting for their’
husbands. And there are always some husbands who have to work late, so all
you have to do is be charming and let nature take its course.”

So Muffin catches the five o'clock train from Penn Station but dozes off in his
seat. He wakes up with a start and finds that he has gone past Trenton and he
has to get out at Westchester.

Muffin is about to catch a train to go back, when he sees a woman standing on

the platform, looking very available. Muffin casually walks over to her - one
thing leads to another and they end up in bed together at her place. They are
really beginning to enjoy themselves when the door swings open and Dick Puller
comes in.

Dick takes one look at his wife in bed and shouts, "Dammit, Betty! So this is
what you do when I work late! And as for you, Muffin, you idiot — I TOLD you
to get off at Trenton!”

Milton Trueheart is driving along in his Rolls Royce when he sees his old school
friend, Etta Apple. He pulls over, lowers the electric window and says, "Hi, Etta!
How are you?”
"Wow!" says Etta, "Is that you, Milton? And in a Rolls Royce? How did you
make so much money?”

"I am a fortune teller," replies Milton. "I can see the future.”

"I would love to learn how to do that," says Etta.

"So jump in the car," says Milton, "and I will tell you all about it." Etta gets in
the car and they drive off to Milton’s house.

"Okay," says Milton, when they arrive. "So you want to learn about fortune
telling? Then take off your blouse.”

"Take off my blouse?" says Etta. "Are you crazy?”

"Look," says Milton, "do you want to know? Then trust me." So Etta takes off
her blouse.

"Good," says Milton, "now take off your skirt.”

"Take off my skirt?" cries Etta. "What is going on here?”

"Do you want to learn how to see the future?" asks Milton. "Then trust me." So
Etta takes off her skirt.

"Now," says Milton, "take off your panties and he on the couch.”

"What?" screams Etta. "Why should I take off my panties? What are you going
to do? Fuck me?”

"Good," says Milton, “see you are learning already!”

Gorgeous Gloria is fed up with her usual boyfriends, so she decides to join a
computer match-making service. She sends in all her personal information and
preferences and then waits excitedly for the result.

The very next day she gets a phone call from her first prospective date. After ten
minutes of chatty conversation, the guy suddenly says, "I'm nine inches long
and four inches around! Are you interested?”

"Interested?" cries Gloria. "I'm FASCINATED! And how big is your prick?”
The Medical Corporation of America decides that there is only one way to cure
AIDS, and that is with money - lots of money. So they arrange with all three
TV networks in America to have a giant AIDS Telethon, to take place on
Saturday night. The idea is that Rock Hunk, the famous movie star, will make
love to five hundred women on TV, while the American public phones in its
pledges.

On the big night, Rock Hunk gets up to four hundred and seventy-five women
and the money is pouring in. The Rockefeller Foundation phones in and
donates millions, NASA phones in and donates the funds for the space program.
Even Ronald Reagan phones in and donates Nancy's dress fund. Money is
pouring in, and it looks like AIDS is going to be cured for sure. But when Rock
gets to four hundred and ninety-five, he passes out. They throw buckets of iced
water on him and he staggers to his feet and wobbles over to the next woman.
At four hundred and ninety-eight, it looks like he is REALLY finished, but the
woman somehow manages to arouse him, and the money keeps pouring in.

But at four hundred and ninety-nine, Rock passes out, and no one is able to
wake him up. The whole country is furious and everyone phones in and takes
back their pledges.

Eventually, George Bush, the host of the show, manages to revive Rock and
drag him in the office. "We almost cured AIDS!" cries Bush. “What the hell
happened?”

"I just don't understand it!" replies Rock. "Everything went fine this morning at
the rehearsal!”

Young Freddy Fallick buys a new pair of very shiny, black patent-leather shoes,
which he polishes so brightly that he can see his face reflected in them.

That night, Freddy goes out in his new shoes to the disco. He sees three girls
sitting together at a table, so he goes and asks one of them to dance. They have
been dancing for a few moments when Freddy looks down at the reflection in
his shiny shoes and says, “I love your red panties!”

The girl screams in embarrassment and soon Freddy leads her back to the table.
Then he asks the next girl to dance. They have been out on the floor for a few
minutes when Freddy says, "I love your white lace panties!” The girl blushes
deep red and runs back to join her friends.
The three girls talk about what has happened and the third one says, "In a
minute he is going to come and ask me to dance, but I have a plan to fix him."

Sure enough, a few minutes later, Freddy Fallick comes over and asks her to
dance. They go onto the dance floor and soon Freddy looks down at his shoes.
Suddenly he gets a very worried expression on his face. He keeps peering down,
first at one shoe, and then at the other.

"It's no good looking down at your shoes, Freddy," says the girl, giggling to
herself, "because I took my panties off !”

"Oh, thank God for that!" says Freddy in relief. "For a minute I thought my new
shoes were cracked!”

It is a sunny morning on Cape Catastrophe beach, and Prunella Polygon, a very

homely looking girl, is rambling along daydreaming. Suddenly, she stumbles and
trips over a bottle lying in the sand, and nearly faints when the top of the bottle
flies off and, "Poof !" - a genie pops out.

The genie stretches and yawns and then looks at Prunella and announces, "Ah!
I am forever in your debt, young lady. You have freed me from a prison of a
thousand years. Ask anything and I will fulfill your desire.”

Prunella Polygon cannot believe her good luck and does not hesitate.

"I want a figure like Sophia Loren," she says, "and a smile like Raquel Welch,
and hair like Brigette Bardot, and tits like Samantha Fox. And eyes like
Elizabeth Taylor and an ass like Marilyn Monroe.”

The genie takes a long look at the homely Prunella and says, "Honey, please put
me back in the bottle.”

Max Muldoon is walking in the Oregon hills, when it begins to snow and he
goes to a nearby ranch house for shelter. There he meets Ed, the rancher, his
pretty young wife and her daughter.

"You can stay here the night," says Ed, "but we have only got one bed. So we
will have to sleep next to each other, head to toe. "And I am warning you,"
continues Ed, "no funny business!" Then he waves a big six shooter at Max, and
puts it under his pillow and falls asleep.
In the middle of the night, the daughter, who is lying next to Max, slides her
hand up his leg and begins to fondle him. Max points nervously to where the
gun is hidden under Ed’s pillow.

"Don't worry," whispers the daughter, "it is not loaded," and she pulls Max onto
her.

Later on, Ed's wife, Who has been watching this, points at the gun, and says
softly, "It is not loaded!" And then she climbs over on top of Max.

Ed snores on peacefully. A few minutes later, the daughter slides her hand up
Max's leg again. Max points at his prick and says, "It is not loaded!”

Walter and Peggy Sue are out on a date together in Walter's new Ford
Thunderbird. He is going so slowly that it is driving Peggy Sue bananas.

"Listen," says Peggy Sue, excitedly, "every time you speed up the car ten miles
per hour, I will take off a piece of my clothing!”

Walter immediately puts his foot down on the accelerator, and off come her
shoes.

Walter smiles, pushes on the gas, and off comes her blouse. Walter's eyes bulge
out, he stomps the pedal to the floor, and off come Peggy Sue's bra, skirt, and
finally, her lace panties.

Walter gets so excited that he gets his machinery stuck in the steering wheel and
loses control of the car. It skids off the road, and rolls over. Neither of them are
hurt, but Walter is stuck underneath the car.

"Quick!" pants Walter. “Go for help!” Frantic and stark naked, Peggy Sue starts
running around in all directions. She picks up one of Walter's shoes, holds it
over her pussy, and runs to the nearest garage. There she bumps into big Rufus,
the black guy, as he is fixing a car.

"You have got to help!" Peggy Sue explain's breathlessly to Rufus. "My
boyfriend is stuck!”

Rufus looks at the girl for a long minute. "Lady," he replies slowly, "if he's up
that far, we’ll never get him out!”
Bob and Betty are having a hot romance, and often go to the movies to cuddle
in the back row.

One night when they are showing "Dracula and the Body Snatchers," and
Dracula is about to sink his teeth into another Body Snatcher, Betty starts
squealing and giggling.

The manager comes over, "What is the matter, young lady?" he asks, shining his
light. “Are you feeling hysterical?”

"No," giggles Betty. "He is feeling mine!”

Paddy Murphy has been drinking a few whiskeys and needs to go to the
bathroom. He gets up from the bar and staggers across the floor past Gorgeous
Gloria, who is sitting at one of the tables in her new maxi-mini skirt.

Distracted by her long, lean, bare legs, the drunken Paddy trips over her chair,
stumbles, and falls to the floor. Gloria jumps up and stands over him trying to
help him to get up.

Paddy cannot help taking a look under her skirt.

"Mister Murphy," exclaims Gloria, crossing her legs, "I thought you were a
gentleman!”

"It’s okay, Gloria," murmurs Paddy, "I thought you were a blonde!”

Terrence and Mrs. Tuber, the TV Couch Potatoes, are propped up on their
potato couch, chewing peanuts and watching their favorite soap opera "The
Potato Family on television.

When the doorbell rings, Chip the dog starts barking, and Terrence looks
around and accidentally pops a peanut into his car.

He is still sitting on his potato couch with his head tipped to one side, trying to
get the peanut out, when his daughter and her boyfriend Frito walk in. Frito
immediately sees the situation and offers to help Terrence to get the peanut out.

"Look," says Frito, "I'll cover your mouth, stick my two fingers into your nostrils
and then blow into your other ear.”
In desperation, Terrence agrees to give this a try. Frito stuffs his fingers tightly
into the couch potato's nose and blows into his ear. Sure enough, the peanut
pops out the other side.

Later that evening, Terrence and Mrs. Tuber are propped up in bed watching a
re-run of "The Potato Family" on television, when Mrs. Tuber asks her
husband, "That Frito is such a nice boy, what do you think he will do when he
leaves school?”

"I don't know what his plans are," replies Terrence. "But from the smell of his
fingers, I think he will probably be our son-in-law.”

Jablonski wants to have a date with Sally-May, so he goes to the pharmacy.

Behind the counter is pretty Lucy Go-Good. "Ahem!" says Jablonski, clearing
his throat. "May I see the manager or a male clerk?”

"I am the manager now," smiles Lucy, "and we have no male clerks. Tell me
what you want.

"Well," says Jablonski, nervously. "I would like a few condoms.”

"Okay," replies Lucy. "What size?”

"Gosh!" says Jablonski. "I don't know. Do they come in sizes?”

"Come back here," says Lucy, taking him behind a curtain at the back of the
store. “Just put it in," she says, lying back on a couch and lifting her skirt.
Jablonski is shocked, but seeing the situation, decides that it is okay. As he inserts
his machinery, Lucy smiles and says, "Size seven. Take it out. Now, how many
condoms do you want?”

Dazed, Jablonski staggers out of the store, with his package in his hand, and
wanders down the street. He runs into Paddy.

"What do you have there?" asks Paddy, quietly finishing off a bottle of whisky.
Jablonski tells Paddy what just happened in the pharmacy, and Paddy's eyes
light up. He dashes off and wobbles in the store where Lucy is still waiting
behind the counter.

"Excuse me," slobbers Paddy, "but do you have condoms?”

"Yes," smiles Lucy. "What size?”

"Size?" Smiles Paddy, trying not to laugh. “Gosh, I don't know.”

"Well," remarks Lucy, easily, "come with me." They go behind the curtain, Lucy
lift’s her skirt, throws herself on the couch and says, "Put it in.”

Paddy does, and does and does, until he is done. "You take size eight," says Lucy
getting up. "How many would you like?”

"Well," replies Paddy, “actually, I don‘t want any. I just came in for a fitting!”

Old lady Gilda runs the town drugstore with her sister, Maggie. One day, a large
stranger comes to town and is feeling very horny. But the town is very quiet, and
he cannot find anyone to help him relieve his hormonal harassment. So he
decides to go to the pharmacy to get something to take for it.

When he walks in he sees old lady Gilda at the counter. "Excuse me," says the
embarrassed stranger, "but I would like to see the boss.”

"Well," says Gilda, "I am the boss.”

"Oh," stammers the stranger, "then I would like to see a man clerk.”

"Sorry," says Gilda casually, "we ain't got no man clerk. But you can tell me
What you want, I won't be embarrassed.”

"Okay," says the stranger. "I have got an awful erection that wont go away. What
can you give me for it?”

“Just a minute," says Gilda, and she goes back inside the store. Five minutes
later she returns.

"I have just been talking with my sister, Maggie, who makes up the
prescriptions," says Gilda, smiling, "and we decided the best we can give you is a
half-share in the store and two hundred dollars a week, cash.”

Harvey Hombee owns the Weird Wild Animals pet shop. His store is famous for
strange creatures of all kinds - eccentric pets for exotic people. One afternoon,
luscious Miss Willing walks in and approaches Harvey.
"Hello," she says, seductively. "I'm looking for a pet that will keep me from
feeling lonely at night.”

"Well," Harvey splutters, eyeing the woman up and down, "I've got just what
you want. Follow me.”

He leads Miss Willing to a black curtain. Throwing it open, he reveals a huge,

soft velvet pillow. Sitting in the center of it is a very large and handsome frog,
named Doobeedoo.

"This magnificent frog," says Harvey, will perform oral sex on you, I trained him
myself.”

"Really?" replies Miss Willing, giggling over the frog. "I can't believe it!”

"Okay," says Harvey, enthusiastically. “Just undress, lay back on the pillow, and
Doobeedoo will do the rest." The shop bell rings and Harvey goes out, drawing
the curtain behind him.

A few minutes later, Harvey goes to check up on the amorous couple. He opens
the curtain to see Miss Willling sprawled naked on the pillow, with a
disappointed look on her face.

"What is the matter?" asks Harvey. "That frog just sits there and looks at me!"
she replies.

"Really?" says Harvey, shaking his head in disbelief. He picks up Doobeedoo

and sits the frog on the side of the pillow.

"Okay, Frog! Pay attention!" exclaims Harvey, getting down on the pillow
himself. “This is the LAST time I'm going to show you how to do this!”

Donald Dixteen is touring Spain. He is looking at the boats in the harbor of a

small fishing village, when Old Carlos comes over to him and asks, "How many
boats do you see there in the water?”

"About twenty-five," replies Donald.

"Twenty-eight,1n' fact!" says Carlos. "And I built every one of them with my
own hands! But do my neighbors call me Carlos the boat builder? They do
NOT! How many houses do you see on the hillside over there?" continues
Carlos. "Thirty-two," replies Donald.

"Correct!" agrees Carlos. "All built by me. But do my neighbors call me Carlos
the housebuilder? They do NOT! "Well, what DO they Call you?" Insists
Donald. "Carlos the what?”

"What do they call me?“ exclaims Carlos, eyeing a nearby hen lovingly.

"You wouldn't believe it,” explains Carlos, "just because of that ONE little
chicken I fucked!”

On a Lufthansa flight from Frankfurt to New York, Mikey Mogul is sitting next
to a beautiful young woman.

"Hello," says Mikey, casually eyeing the pretty girl. "Are you German?”

“Ja," says the girl. "How nice," says Mikey, his eyes twitching slightly. "May I ask
your name?”

“Ja, okay," she replies. "My name is Hilda Horncheck.”

"Well hello, Hilda," Mikey says, loosening his tie. "Is this your first trip to New
York?”

“Ja, it is," replies Hilda. "I'm going on business.”

"Really?" inquires Mikey. "May I ask what kind of business?”

"Ja, sure," says Hilda. "I'm going to the International Congress of

Nymphomaniacs.

"Really?" exclaims Mikey, beginning to perspire. "Uh...that is fascinating. May I

ask, what do you do at this congress?”

“Ja," says Hilda. "We discuss important issues like which men have the longest,
hardest pricks. And which men can screw for the longest time. Things like that.”

"Really?" squeaks Mikey, taking off his coat. "May I ask which men DO have
the longest pricks?”
“Ja," says Hilda. "Those sweet Jewish men have those long pricks.”

"REALLY?" splutters Mikey. "And may I ask, which ones can screw the longest
time?”

“Ja, sure!" replies the beautiful girl. "It is the American Indians who give the
longest screw.”

"Really?" cries Mikey, mopping his face with a towel.

“Ja!" smiles Hilda. "And by the way," she continues, "you have not told me your
name.”

"Oh, my name?" gasps Mikey, his eyes bulging out, "my name is Geronimo
Goldberg!”

Three secretaries, Betty, Boopsee and Barbara, are working in the same office
for the same boss, the famous male chauvinist tyrant, Dumford Porkeye.

"He’s so mean," says Betty to Boopsee and Barbara on their coffee break. "So
yesterday I put salt in his sugar bowl just to watch his face when he drank his
coffee.”

"That's nothing," says Boopsee. "I found a pack of condoms in his desk drawer
and took a pin and put holes in the ends of all them!”

At that moment, Barbara faints.

Young Leonard Loophole is on vacation in the woods, and he decides to write a

letter to his girlfriend. But he has no writing paper with him, so he walks to a
nearby village store. Inside, he approaches the girl attendant, Molly Must, a very
sexy young brunette.

"Do you keep stationery?" asks Leonard.

"Well," says Molly, in a sexy voice, "I can until the last few seconds, and then I
go completely wild!”
Father Finger, the novice priest, goes to see Sally Sellzit, the prostitute, and says,
"I know nothing about sex. Will you teach me?”

"Okay," says Sally. "But it will cost you fifty dollars.”

Father finger agrees and pays the money in advance. Then Sally undresses
slowly, and next she undresses the priest and tells him to lie down.

"I'm going to start your lesson with the Sixty-nine position," she says. But when
she climbs on top of him, she accidentally farts in his face.

"Sorry," she says, and climbs back on. But she farts in his face again.

"Holy Jesus," shouts the priest, as he jumps up off the bed.

"What's the matter?" asks Sally. "Well," replies Finger. "I want to know about
sex, but I don't thin‘k I can take another sixty-seven of those!”

Larry Lurch, a New York yuppie, goes in the Fussy Pussy pub in Greenwich
Village. He finds a beautiful girl he has dated before sitting in a corner, sobbing
into her Pina Colada. Larry sits down opposite her.

"Lulu," he asks her sympathetically, "what is wrong?”

"Oh! Everythmg," she sobs. "My cat, Tidd1es, has disappeared, I got fired from
my job, I am being thrown out of my apartment, and the doctors tell me I have
terminal diarrhea.”

"That is terrible," says Larry in a concerned voice. "What about if I take you
out on Saturday night and cheer you up?”

Lulu shakes her head and sobs, "I have decided to kill myself on Saturday
night.“

"Oh!" says Larry, "Well what about Friday night?”

Millicent Money-Butt is an extremely rich and an extremely frustrated woman.

She is especially irritable today because it has been weeks since her husband or
her chauffeur or her stable boy or ANYBODY has made love to her.
Deciding that she needs to move her energy, she calls her butler, James. upstair's
to run her a hot bath. James knocks quietly and then enters her room. Millicent
turns to him slowly, and says, “James, please take off my dress.”

"Yes, madam," says the butler, looking a bit shy. "Now James," says Millicent,
"please take off my bra.”

"Er, yes, madam," says the shocked butler. "And now, James," she says with fire
in her eyes, "please take off my panties.” Then stepping up close to him, she
orders, “James, next time I catch you wearing my clothes you will be fired!”

After many attempts, Gilbert Goldditch finally manages to get Gorgeous Gloria
to go to his apartment with him. After a few drinks, Gilbert puts on some soft
music, and they settle down on the sofa.

A few minutes later Gloria says, "You know, Gilbert, you are the first man I have
met whose kisses make me sit up and open my eyes.”

"Really?" says Gilbert, happily. "Yes," replies Gloria. "Usually they have the
opposite effect!”

Mr. and Mrs. Polite live in a nice big house in Propertown, U.S.A. And they are
really polite. When Mrs. Polite brings Mr. Polite his dinner, he says, "Thank you
so much, darling.” And Mrs. Polite says, "Oh you are so welcome, sweetheart.
Actually, I should thank you for being such a lovely husband to serve.”

Then Mr. Polite says, “No, I should doubly thank you for being such a lovely
wife…” And so on. Anyway, they are all so polite that one evening Mr. Polite
sees a lonely middle-aged fellow standing in the rain. Politely, he invites the
stranger in the house for a nice, hearty meal.

Two hours later, Mr. Polite stumbles across the stranger making love in the
hallway to their lovely daughter, Pussy Polite.

Upon seeing this, Mr. Polite says, very politely, "Pussy, dear, where are your
manners? Arch your back and help the gentleman to get his balls off this cold
marble floor!”

Gorgeous Gloria is very excited as she plans her coming wedding, with her
friend, Sherry Cherry. "Have you heard about the secret aphrodisiac from
India?" asks Sherry. "Why, no," says Gloria. "What is it?”
"It is‘ called ‘Burnt BINDHL'" says Sherry. "And if you want an unforgettable
wedding night, get him to eat a dozen burnt BINDHIS after the ceremony.” A
week later, Gloria meets Sherry in the supermarket. "How did the wedding
night go?" asks Sherry. “Oh, okay I guess," says Gloria. "But only eight of the
BINDHIS worked!”

On a full moon evening, Count Dracula walks in a men's store and asks to see
some ties. When the salesgirl looks into his eyes, she becomes hypnotized.
Dracula sinks his sharp teeth into her throat and takes a deep drink. As she
wakes up, the girl remembers nothing, and Count Dracula buys a silk tie and
leaves the store. The next night he is back.

"Would you like to try something different tonight?" asks the girl, innocently.
"No," Chuckles the vampire, "I want somethin'g in exactly the same vein’!"

Jimmy gets lost in the desert. He wanders around for two days, almost dying of
thirst, when he comes to a nunnery. He knows the nuns won't let him in because
he is a man, so he jumps over the wall. He finds the nearest bathroom and
drinks to his hearts content. Then he decides to take a shower. He has just taken
off his clothes, when he hears two nuns approaching. They are coming into the
bathroom, so he jumps, naked, behind the shower curtain. When the nuns come
in, one of them sees Jimmy’s prick sticking out from behind the curtain.

"What is that?" she says. "I don't know," replies the other nun, and goes and
gives it a pull. Thinking quickly Jimmy throws out a bar of soap. "Look!" cries
the nun, "a soap machine!” So the other nun pulls it and Jimmy throws out
some more soap. Then the first nun pulls it again, but Jimmy has no more soap.
So she pulls it again, and again, and again”.

Suddenly she turns to the other nun and cries, "Look! Shampoo!”

Jimmy is lost in the desert again, with two friends, Billy and Sammy. They
wander around for two days, almost dying of thirst, until they come to a
nunnery. They knock on the door and the Mother Superior answers.

"Water, water, please give us water!" they groan. "Oh, no," says the nun. "We
had a man in here before. If you want to come in here for water, you have to let
us cut off your pricks.” The three guys run back out into the desert. But two
days later they figure that they will die anyway, so what the hell. They go back to
the nunnery and say that they accept the condition. They are brought in and
the head nun takes Billy into another room. There is a short scream and then
the nun comes back for Sammy. She takes him into another room and there is
another, longer drawn-out, scream. But when she comes back for Jimmy, he is
terrified.

“Just a minute!" he cries. "How did you cut their pricks off ?”

"Simple," says the nun. "We ask them what their profession is. The first guy is a
butcher, so we cut it off with a knife 🔪 . The second guy is a carpenter, so we
sawed it off.”

At this point, Jimmy starts laughing hysterically with tears rolling down his
cheeks. "What's so funny?" asks the nun. "You're gonna have trouble with me,"
laughs Jimmy. "I work for Kwality Ice Cream 🍨 !”

The Western Australia Old Ladies Discussion Group meets each week, but all
they ever talk about is cocks and pricks.

After a while the ladies get worried because they use the words so much - and
they might let them slip out in public. So they decide to substitute the words
‘prick' and ‘cock’ with other words which won't sound bad if they say them by
mistake outside the club.

They Write to Old Ladies Clubs all over the world to ask for advice.

The British Old Ladies Club writes back and says they use the word ‘gentleman’
because he always stands up when a lady comes in.

The Italians use the word ‘curtain’ because it goes up when the show begins and
comes down when the show is over.

The Americans use ‘chewing gum' because it goes in hard and comes out soft.

And finally, the French say that they use the word ‘anecdote’ - but with no
explanation.

So one of the Australian ladies finds a dictionary and looks up the word. "Here
we are," she says to the others: “‘Anecdote: A little story that goes around from
mouth to mouth.
The bank robbers rush into the bank and order all the customers and clerks to
get behind the counter. Then they tell everyone to take off all their clothes and
lie face down on the floor. One nervous female clerk pulls off her dress and lies
down, face up. "Turn over, Gloria’," whispers her friend, "this is a robbery not
the office party!”

A young man sitting at a bar sees an attractive girl and offers to buy her a drink.
"Did you say a motel?" asks the girl in a loud voice. The man is extremely
embarrassed and assures her that he only wants to buy her a drink.

"You want to take me to a motel?" she screams.

Everyone turns to look at the young man, and even the bartender tells him to
behave himself. He is so embarrassed that he goes and sits at a corner table. A
short while later the girl comes over to him.

"I must apologize," she says. "I am sorry to embarrass you so much, because you
see, I am a psychology student and I wanted to take note of your reactions for
my psychology thesis.”

"What?" shouts the man. "You must be joking! “Twenty dollars!”

At a rape trial, Holly Holynose, the young victim, is asked by her attorney, what
her attacker had said before he assaulted her. Holly is too embarrassed to
answer out loud, and so she is allowed to write it down.

After reading the note the judge passes it along to the jury. Mendel Kravitz, who
is last in the line, has dozed off, so the woman next to him nudges him and
passes the note.

Mendel takes the note and reads, "I am going to screw you like you have never
been screwed before." Mendel smiles at the woman and puts the note in his
pocket.

“Juror number twelve," orders the judge, "please pass the note to me!”

"I can't, your honor," says Mendel, "it is too personal!”

Gloria and Barbara are chatting together. "What has become of that nice man
you started going out with?”

"Oh, I gave him the push!" replies Barbara. "He was no gentleman.”

"Whatever happened?" asks Gloria. "Well," replies Barbara, "no sooner were we
alone on the sofa at my place, than he put his hand on my thigh.”

"Well," says Gloria, "at least that shows he is interested.”

"It might do," replies Barbara, "but I was brought up properly, and I am not
going to tolerate that. Everybody knows that with a REAL gentleman, it is
always TITS first!”

Gorgeous Gloria goes into a bank and asks the clerk for change of a one
hundred dollar bill. She hands over the note but the clerk takes one look at it
and says. "I'm sorry, Miss, but this one hundred dollar bill is a fake.”

"Oh, my God!" cries Gloria, "I’ve been raped.”

A young girl who is getting married asks her mother about the wedding night.
Her mother is old-fashioned and tells her, "He will take you to bed, tear off your
clothes and then he will lie beside you and then…er, SCARE you! But you will
just have to put up with it.”

After the first time the young bride looks coyly at her husband. "Darling," she
says, “scare me again.”

He scares her several times during the night, and when the sun rises the bride
shakes her husband and says, "Darling, scare me again.”

The man opens his bleary eyes, slowly takes a deep breath and shouts, “BOO!"

A man has his prick amputated in a car accident. As an experiment the doctors
graft on a baby elephant's trunk instead. Some time later he goes out to dinner
at a French restaurant. He is sitting there with his date, when all of a sudden the
baby elephant's trunk sneaks out of his pants, scoots across the table and grasps
a bread roll and then disappears again.
The girl does not believe what she has just seen and says nothing. But a few
minutes later, while they are talking, out pops the baby elephant's trunk, scoots
across the table, grabs another bread roll and vanishes.

"My god," cries the girl, "what was that?” The man is extremely embarrassed
but finally manages to explain the whole story. "That is great!" exclaim's the girl
enthusiastically. "Can you make it to do it again?”

"I would," says the man, "but I don't think I can fit another bread roll into my
asshole.”

It is the mailman's last day on the job, and he is feeling mixed emotions. On the
one hand he is glad to be retiring, but on the other hand he will miss seeing the
beautiful young married woman he has fancied for the last few years.

He is shocked and delighted when she opens her door for this last time, wearing
a seethrough gown, and invites him in. She drags him up to the bedroom and
makes passionate love to him. Afterwards she cooks him a delicious breakfast.

When he is about to leave, the young woman goes to her purse, takes out a
dollar bill and gives it to him.

"I don't understand," says the satisfied mailman. "You are going to pay me as
well?”

"It was my husband's idea," the woman explains. "When I told him you were
retiring and suggested we give you something, he said ‘Screw him, give him a
dollar.’”

"The breakfast," she adds proudly, "was my idea.”

Sidney Smallpiece is out on a date with his girlfriend Sadie, and they go to see a
movie. The hero and the heroine are locked in a passionate embrace, when
Sidney suddenly realizes that his wig has fallen off. He starts to grope around
looking for it in the dark.

Not realizing what he is doing, Sadie starts to moan passionately, "That’s it,
honey," she murmurs, "right there. You’ve got it...you’ve got it now!”
“No, I have not!" snaps Sidney sitting up again, "I don't part my hair in the
middle!”

Gloria Lovejoy, an aging Hollywood starlet who has been married eight times,
eventually dies. She is buried next to her first husband, Reginald. Two of her
old friends are putting flowers on her grave when they notice the inscription,
which reads: "Together at last.”

One of the old ladies says, "I did not realize Gloria was so fond of Reginald.”

"Don't be silly," replies the other, "it is referring to her legs.”

Hymie Goldberg returns home early one day, to find a strange man making
love to Becky, his wife. His head is buried between her ample breasts. "Hey!"
demands Hymie, "just what do you think you are doing?”

“Well…” stammers the stranger. “I am listening to music.”

"Music?" cries Hymie, and putting his head between Becky's breasts, declares, "I
don’t hear any music!”

"Of course you don't!" replies the stranger, "you are not plugged in!”

Two old men meet on a street comer. "Where have you been for the past eight
weeks?” "In jail," says the second man.

"In jail? How come?" says the first man.

The second old man replies, “Well, about eight weeks ago I was standing on a
street corner and this beautiful young girl rushes up with a policeman and says,
‘He is the man, officer. He is the one who attacked me.’ And you know, I felt so
flattered, I admitted it.”

Grandma Faginbaum walks in the pub with a parrot on her finger. She holds it
up and shouts, "I will screw the first guy who can guess the weight of this
parrot.” After a long silence, a drunk in the back of the bar yells out, "Two
hundred kilos.” Grandma whirls round and says, "Close enough!”
Newton Hooton, the traveling salesman, is just on the point of checking into a
hotel when he catches sight of a stunning young woman who is without doubt
giving him the full come-on treatment. He strolls over to her and nonchalantly
exchanges a few words with her, behaving as though he has known her all his
life. Then they both walk to the reception desk and book in as man and wife.

After a one-night stay, Newton goes to collect his bill and check out. He is
appalled to be presented with a bill for one thousand dollars.

"Look here,” cries Newton,“this is out of the question! I have only been here for
one day.”

"Yes Sir," replies the receptionist, "but your wife has been here a month.”

It was sunrise, and the young athlete was doing push-ups on the beach when a
drunk appeared. The drunk weaved his way to within a few yards of the
perspiring young man, sat down on the sand and laughed and laughed.

"What the devil are you laughing about?" asked, the annoyed young man.

The drunk laughed and said, "Don't look now, but somebody stole your girl.”

Charlie Mildew is in New York for the weekend and strikes up a conversation
with a young lady in the bar. After a few drinks he suggests that they buy a
bottle and go to his room; she agrees.

When the girl began taking off her clothes, Charlie asks, "Say, how old are
you?”

"Thirteen," she replies. "Thirteen? Good Lord," cries Charlie. "Get your clothes
back on and get out of here.”

At the door the girl stops and says, "Superstitious, huh?”

Somewhere in a little shack in the middle of Australia, Bruce, Edna and their
daughter, Shirley, have finished their kangaroo stew dinner, and are arguing
about who is going to do the dishes.
There's a big fight, and finally Bruce suggests that they all lie down on the floor
and the first person to move does the dishes.

The same night, Hamish MacTavish is driving his old pick-up nearby, when the
radiator overheats. He sees the shack and walks over there to get some water.
Going into the shack, he finds everyone lying on the floor, so he decides to help
himself to water. On his way to the kitchen, he steps over Shirley, and in a
moment of passion, jumps on her and fucks her.

He gets up from Shirley and finds Edna on the kitchen floor. The temptation is
too great for Hamish and he jumps on Edna too. Then he takes some water
back to his car, but while he is filling the radiator, he burns his arm.

Hamish rushes in the shack and cries out, "Have you got any Vaseline?”

Hearing this, Bruce jumps up and yells, "Okay, okay! I will do the dishes!”

After an unfruitful evening at the village dance, Ned begins his long, lonely walk
back to the farmhouse. When he is halfway home the rounded, moonlit shapes
of the big pumpkins in the fields remind the horny young fellow of so many
shapely female asses. Settling down next to one of the pumpkins, he cuts a hole
in the side and begins to get physical with it. Suddenly a voice cries out, "Hey,
you! What the hell are you doing with that pumpkin?” Ned bolts upright, sees
the policeman's badge glinting in the moonlight, and thinking quickly blurts out,
"Pumpkin? What pumpkin? Oh, Christ, is it midnight already?”

A group of male and female astronauts land on Mars and meet a friendly group
of Martians.They chat for a while, and soon the topic of conversation turns to
reproduction.

One of the Martian couples agrees to demonstrate how it is done on Mars, and
the astronauts look on with interest. The Martians touch tentacles for a
moment, and almost immediately a hump grows on the female's front. It grows
for a minute and then opens like a flower, and a baby Martian jumps out.

Then the Martians want to be shown how it is done on earth. So two of the
astronauts volunteer, lie down on the floor and make love. When the humans
have finished, the Martian chief says,
"Very unusual, and I must say, very interesting. But where is the baby? Or was
the demonstration a failure?”

"We don‘t know yet," replies the astronaut. "If it was successful, then the baby
will arrive in nine months.”

"Nine months?" cries the Martian. "Amazing! But if the child won't be born for
nine months, why were you in such a hurry there at the end?”

Brian Ballworthy is an inexperienced young man. He has heard that a good way
to arouse sexual desire in a girl who is not responding to the usual forms of
wooing is to place her hand directly on ones organ. He parks with his date in
the local lovers' lane, but after an hour he has only a sisterly kiss to show for his
efforts. So Brian decides to put his new technique into action. He takes the girl's
hand and places it firmly on his dick. The response is instantaneous. The girl
shouts at him with the longest stream of abuse he has ever heard. Stunned, he
tries to reply, but she won't listen, and demands to be taken home. When they
reach her parents’ home, she starts shouting at him again. Finally, she runs out
of breath and says, "Well, do you have anything to say for yourself ?”
“Yes, I have," Brian grimaces painfully, "please let go!”

Archibald, the budding young artist, gets up from the couch where he has been
making love to his model and starts dressing.

"I will bet you do that to all your models," says the girl breathlessly. "No," replies
Archie, "you are the first.”

"Really?" asks the girl. "And how many models have you had?”

“Just four," replies Archie, "a lemon, a potato, a banana and you.”

Mervyn is prancing around by the crowded swimming pool and goes to the top
diving board to make a flashy dive. He makes a big splash, but when he
surfaces, he finds that he has lost his swimsuit. He spends the next few minutes
trying to locate it. He gives up and goes to one corner of the pool to try and
think how to get out of the water unobserved.

Finally he cups his hand over his prick, jumps out of the water and starts to run
towards the changing room, yelling, "Mad dog! Mad dog!”
The crowd starts to scatter, and Mervyn has almost reached the changing room
when a shapely blonde in a bikini stands in his way, pulls down the bottom half
of her bikini and shouts, "Let’s muzzle that son-of-a-bitch!”

The God Thor is getting bored sitting around Valhalla drinking mead all the
time, so he comes down to earth for some fun. He meets Lucy Leggs in Las
Vegas and they soon go to bed together.

They stay there for three days and three nights in a row. On the fourth morning
as he is leaving, he decides to tell Lucy how she has been honored.

"My dear," he announces, "I am Thor.”

"YOU are Thor," says Lucy, "I am thore, too — I can't even pith!”

A girl says to her date, "You remind me of the sea.”

"You mean," he says, "because I am so wild, magnificent, and romantic?”

"No," she replies, "because you make me sick.”

Gorgeous Gloria, after an examination, phones her doctor and asks, "Doctor,
would you see if by any chance I left my panties in your office?”

The doctor looks in the examination room, returns to the phone and tells her,
"I'm afraid they are not here.”

"Sorry to trouble you, Doctor," replies Gloria, "I will try the dentist.”

In various stages of her life a woman resembles the comments of the world. As
a child she is like Africa, virgin territory, unexplored. In her youth she is like
Asia, hot and exotic.

In her prime she is like America, fully explored and free with her resources. In
middle age she is like Europe, exhausted, but not without places of interest.

And after that she is like Australia - everyone knows it is down there, but nobody
much cares.
I have heard that when God was making the world, he called man aside and
gave him twenty years of normal sex life.

Man was horrified: "Only twenty years?!" he cried. But God would not budge.
That was all he would give him’.

Then God called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But, God! I don't
need that much," said the monkey, "ten is enough.”

Man spoke up and said, "Can I have the other ten?" - and the monkey agreed.

Then God called the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion, too, only wanted
ten. Again the man said, "Can I have the other ten?” The lion roared, "Of
course!”

Then came the donkey. He was given twenty years, but he also only wanted ten.
Man asked for the extra ten, and got them.

This explains why man has twenty years of a normal sex life, then ten years of
monkeying around, ten years of lying about it, and ten years of making an ass
of himself.

Business is brisk for the pretty young prostitute in the bar. "Bill," she says, "you
can come over about seven-ish, and you, George around eight-ish, and Frank, I
will have time for you about nine-ish.”

She then looks around the crowded bar and calls out, "Anyone for tennish?”

Three old ladies are sitting together on a park bench when a flasher walks up to
them, opens his coat, and exposes himself. The first old lady has a stroke, and
the second old lady also has a stroke, but the third old lady's arms are too short
to reach.

Randy Mustaver picks up Polly, the prostitute, on the street and asks her, "How
much?”

"Ten dollars," she replies, "unless you want it Spanish style, but then it is ten
dollars extra.”
Randy goes for the Spanish style, so they go up to Polly's room and have a great
time. When they are finished, Randy gets dressed and is heading for the door,
when he stops and says, “Well, I really enjoyed that, but tell me, what was
Spanish about it?”

"My God," says Polly, "I nearly forgot!” She then stands up on the bed, raises
one arm, snaps her fingers and shouts, “Ole!"

One day a young woman is walking home when a man grabs her, drags her into
a back alley, and starts molesting her. "Help! Help me someone," she cries. "I'm
being robbed!”

"You are not bem'g robbed, lady," m'terrupts the man, "you are being screwed.”

"Well," she replies, "if this is being screwed, then I have always been robbed
before.”

Two old men of eighty are sitting in their club when one says, "Do you think
there is as much love going on as there used to be?”

"Yes, certainly," says the other, "but there is a whole new bunch doing it.”

The lady walked up to the policeman and said, "Officer, that man on the comer
is annoying me.”

"I have been watching the whole time," said the cop, "and that man wasn't even
looking at you.”

"Well," said the woman, "isn't that annoym’g?"

The romantic young man turned to the beautiful young girl in his bed and
asked, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?”

She thought for a moment and then said, "You could be - I have a terrible
memory for faces.”
The young bride was inconsolable, in spite of the fact that her dead, seventy-
five-year-old husband had left her ten million dollars in his will. Her friends
tried to make her understand. "You are so young," they said. "You have a great
life ahead, and ten million dollars! He had to die sooner or later.”

"You don't understand," she sobbed. "He was the greatest lover. We lived next
door to the church and he used to make love to me by the sound of the church
bells - ding-dong, ding-dong. And he would be alive today if it wasn't for that
damn fire truck!”

A young girl said to an old maid, "You must have missed a great deal by not
marrying!”

"Only the ceremony!" replied the old maid.

A woman never tells the truth about her age. I have told you that even on the point of a loaded
gun you may perhaps become enlightened, but a woman will not reveal her age.

It is an old understanding that there are seven ages of man.

Sixteen to twenty-five… twice daily.
Twenty—five to thirty-five… thrice weekly.
Thirty-five to forty-five… try weekly.
Forty-five to fifty-five… try weakly.
Fifty-five to sixty-five… try oysters.
Sixty-five to seventy-five… try anything.
Seventy-five and beyond… try to remember.

And just like the man, there are seven ages of woman.
Sixteen to twenty-five, like Africa: partly virgin, partly explored.
Twenty-five to thirty-five, like India: hot and mysterious.
Thirty-five to forty-five, like Europe: devastated but interesting in parts.
Forty-five to fifty-five, like America: efficient but unconscious.
Fifty-five to sixty-five, like Russia: everybody knows where it is but nobody really
wants to go there.
Sixty-five to seventy-five, like the UN: it functions, but nobody is interested.
Seventy-five and beyond, like Atlantis: lost and forgotten.
A young fireman is becoming bored with his sex life, and feels he needs to make
it more juicy. He gets the idea of using codes, like he does when he is fighting
fires, and explains the idea to his wife.

"When I say Code One," says the fireman, "that is your signal to run upstairs to
the bed room. Code Two means get undressed and jump in the bed and Code
Three means we make mad passionate love.”

All goes well for a week and then love life reaches new heights. But one night
after going through all three codes, the wife suddenly yells out, "Code Four!”
The fireman looks at, her and says, "What is that?”

"Code Four!" she cries. "More hose!”

Mendel Kravitz is having a little chat with his new mistress. "Tell me, darling"
he says, "What would you do if you found yourself pregnant and abandoned?”
"Ah, that would be awful," cries the pretty young girl. "I think I would kill'
myself.” Mendel replies, "Good girl.”

Mick Jagger orders an extremely expensive, custom-made suit, but is very

dissatisfied with the finished garment. "I told you to make the pants tight!" he
remarks angrily to the tailor. "I want them tight enough to show my sex.”

"I am sorry, sir," the tailor protests, "but if they were any tighter they would
show your religion!”

Randy Mustaver is telling his friend that he has toured around the whole world
looking for a perfect woman. "Did you find her?" asks his friend.

“Yes,I did,” replies Randy. “But it is a sad story.”

“Why is that?” asks the friend. “Well” says Randy, “she was looking for a perfect
man.”

Old man Finkelstein comes to the doctor's office. "Doc," he says, "you have got
to give me something to pep me up. I have got a date tonight with my twenty-
five-year-old secretary and I want to be sure that I am able to perform.” The
physician smiles and gives him some pills. Later that night, out of curiosity, he
telephones Finkelstein. Did the medicine help any?" asks the doctor. "It’s great!"
replies Finkelstein, "I have managed three times already.”

"And how about the girl?" chuckles the doctor. "Oh," replies Finkelstein, "She
has not got here yet.”

Paddy has been suffering from chest pains, and although the tests have been
inconclusive, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live much longer, he will
have to lead a quiet life - no late nights, no exercise, and no sex.

"Okay," says Maureen when she hears the news. "From now on I will sleep
downstairs on the sofa, then we won't be tempted.” They live like this for three
weeks. Then one night they bump into each other on the stairs. "What are you
doing out of bed?" asks Maureen. "I can't stay upstairs on my own anymore,"
replies Paddy. "I'm coming downstairs to die.”

"Thank God for that," says Maureen, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill
you!”

Young Herbie, on vacation in Florida, is getting frustrated because he cannot

attract any girls. Every day on the beach he watches as Bernie Bernstein, an
older man, is surrounded by young, beautiful women.

One evening Herbie approaches him at the bar and asks Bernie for some
advice. "Well," says Bernie, "the first thing is to get a smart haircut, then buy
yourself a skimpy swimsuit instead of those baggy shorts.And for a finishing
touch, put a rolled up pair of socks in your swimsuit. It works every time!”

Herbie follows the advice, but has no luck. The next evening in the bar he
complains to Bernie. "Oh boy," says Bernie, "I saw you on the beach. The
haircut looks great and you bought a fantastic looking swimsuit, but the next
time, try putting the socks in front!”

A hotel manager is giving some advice to his staff about how to cope With
embarrassing circumstances. "Suppose one of you enters a room," he explains,
and finds a lady in a state of undress. Anything you do or say could make
matters worse, but there is a simple way out. Just pretend you are shortsighted
and say something like, ‘I'm terribly sorry, Sir', I'll come back in a minute. That
will save her from embarrassment.” The next morning a young waiter is on
duty taking breakfast up to a room. He knocks on the bedroom door and
receiving no answer, walks in. There on the bed, a naked couple are wildly
making love. Suddenly, they sense the waiter's presence and there is a ghastly
silence until the waiter remembers the lecture of the day before. With complete
confidence he asks, “Would either of you gentlemen like breakfast?”

An old Indian from Calcutta is waiting at the bus stop with his family of twelve
children ahead of him and a blind man behind him. It is late at night and they
are waiting for the last bus. Eventually the bus comes and when all the children
are aboard, the conductor says it is full, and the old Indian and the blind man
have to walk home.

After walking for some time with the blind man tapping the ground loudly with
his stick, the Indian says, "You know, if you had a little bit of rubber on the end
of your stick, all that noise could be avoided.”

"I know," snaps the blind man, "and if you had a little bit of rubber on the end
of your prick, we could have got on the bus!”

Herbie, the Texan cowboy, is visiting New York for the first time and decides to
go to a high-class whorehouse. He pays the fee and is confronted by two doors:
one marked Blonde, the other Brunette.

He chooses the Blonde, goes through the door and finds two more doors. One
says, Big Tits; the other, Little Tits. He chooses Big Tits, goes through and finds
two more doors. One says, Fancy Fuck; the other says, Real Screw. He chooses
Real Screw, goes through the door and finds himself back on Forty-Second
Street.

Mendel Kravitz, the wealthy American businessman, sends his daughter, Kathy,
to Europe to get some culture and maybe meet a rich husband. A few months
later she writes and asks her father to send her a book on etiquette. She must be
meeting all the right people, says Mendel to himself.

After a few more months she asks Mendel for another book on etiquette.There
is no doubt, thinks Mendel, she is meeting royalty - perhaps Prince Edward.

Then two years later, Kathy comes home. Mendel Kravitz meets her at the
airport and he is shocked when she arrives carrying a small baby.
"Whose baby?” he asks. “Mine,” replies Kathy. "And the father?" asks Mendel.
Kathy shakes her head, "I don't know, Papa," she sobs.

"What?" cries Mendel. "Two books on etiquette I send you and you don't even
know how to ask, ‘With whom do I have the pleasure?’”

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He is on
the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a
Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot. The car lot is closed so O'Leary
drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this
car?”

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon.”

"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?”

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting.
We were told that if we bought a car here we would get screwed.”

A woman is on the fifth floor of a burning apartment building, screaming,

"Help, save me!” The fire truck drives up to the building and a burly fireman is
soon climbing up the extension ladder. As he approaches the woman he says, "It
gives me great pleasure to save a pregnant woman.”

Indignantly the woman replies, "But I'm not pregnant!”

"Well lady," replies the fireman, "you're not saved yet!”

Dick Puller is standing at the bar and a guy walks up to him and says, "Are you
Dick Puller?” Dick says, “Yes.” The guy says, "Were you in Chicago a few weeks
ago?” Dick says, “Just a minute," and takes out his notebook, turns some pages,
and then says, "Yes, I was m‘ Chicago a few weeks ago.”

The guy says, "Were you in room two one three at the Holiday Inn?” Dick looks
in his notebook and says, “Yes." The guy says, "Did you meet Mrs. Jerk in room
two one four?” Dick looks in his notebook and says, “Yes." The guy says, "Tell
me, did you make love to Mrs. Jerk?”

Dick scans his notebook again and says, "Yes, I made love to Mrs. Jerk.”
The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Jerk and I don't like it.” Again Dick looks in his
notebook and says, "You know, that's funny, I didn’t like it either.”

A rich young girl finds that she has developed a passion for the smell of burning
rubber. So she buys herself a sports car and satisfies her passion racing around
country lanes. One day she passes a young man who is hitch-hiking and stops to
pick him up.The hitchhiker settles back in his seat, thinking that his luck has
really changed.

Suddenly the girl stamps her foot on the accelerator and drives full speed
towards a steep cliff. At the last minute she puts her foot on the brakes and the
car stops inches from the edge. "Can you smell that?" she asks her passenger
enthusiastically. "Smell it?" sobs the man. "I'm sitting in it!”

Sally comes home from her first date looking very pleased with herself. "How
did it go with John?" asks her mother. "Ah, it was alright until after dinner,"
Sally replies. "Because on the way home he stopped the car in a lonely lane and
started kissing me to distract my attention. He then started feeling around inside
my clothes, but I fooled him - I had hidden my money in my shoe.”

After their first date, Mary refused to see George anymore. Not to be put off so
easily, George began writing to her. He was so infatuated that he sent a special
delivery letter twice a day for sixty-three consecutive days.

On the sixty-fourth day, the campaign produced results: Mary ran off with the
mad man.

Big Rock Hunk takes Gorgeous Gloria out on a date. "Baby, I am going to kiss
you to death tonight," says Rock.

"Yeah, sure," teases Gloria. "Baby, you will be lucky if you can walk tomorrow,"
he brags.

"Sure, sure, we Will' see," scoffs Gloria.

After a few drinks, they go back to Rock’s place. But when the chips are down,
and big Rock can not quite come up with the goods, Gloria pulls out a feather
from a pillow and begins to stroke him lightly on the forehead.
Rock eyes her curiously and asks her, "Hey, what's the big idea?”

"Well," replies Gloria, “comparatively speaking, I am beating your brains out.”

Mendel Kravitz takes Lucy Lovejoy, his new secretary, out to dinner. Afterwards,
nestled on the couch in his pad Mendel turns up the heat.

"You beautiful' sexy lady," he Whispers, "you are the only girl for me. I dig you,
I'm crazy about you, I’m nuts about you. I can't make it through the night
without you.”

"Hey, wait a minute," protests Lucy. "I don't want to get serious.”

"Hell, baby," says Mendel, "who's serious?”

Mona is applying for a job at the whorehouse. "So," says the madam, "just how
expert are you?”

"I don't like to brag," says Mona, "but I can make love standing on my head.”

"Great," says the madam, "you are the one I want. There is a yogi waiting
downstairs.”

A firebrand women‘s lib activist is invited to speak at a teamsters’ convention.

Addressing the all male audience, she declares that women were the foundation
of the American republic.

"That may be so," rumbles a voice from the back of the room, "but remember
who laid the foundation!”

Luscious Miss Willing is waiting to go in for a job interview. "Listen, honey,”

warns the receptionist, “I don't want to upset you right before your interview
but the boss has a bad reputation with women. I have heard from other girls
that when he gets you alone in his office, he practically rips the dress right off
your back.”

"Thanks for the warning," replies Miss Willing, "I will change into an old one.”
A recent survey of men's sexual practices revealed that after intercourse, twenty
percent roll over and go to sleep; two percent have a shower; three percent go to
the refrigerator for a snack; and seventy percent get up, get dressed and go
home.

Muffin Snuffler is visiting his married friends, Jerry and Judy Jam.

“Jerry, I can't help it," says Muffin, "but Judy really turns me on. If I could
pinch her on the bare backside just once, I would give her five thousand
dollars.”

"For that kind of money, " says Jerry, "I don't think Judy would mind. Go ahead,
pinch her. “ So Judy leans over a chair, lifts her skirt and seductively lowers her
panties - exposing her bare behind. Muffin takes a long, thoughtful look at it.
Finally, after about five minutes he says, "I just can't do it.”

"Why not?" asks Jerry. "Haven’t you got the nerve? “

"It is not that," says Muffin. "I haven’t got the money.”

Three young men arrive at the pearly gates together and St. Peter asks, "How
did three healthy men like you die so soon?”

"Well," says the first, "it happened like this: I came home from work early one
day and found my wife stark naked in bed, the bedcovers all a mess. I saw her
glance at the open Window, and so I looked out and saw a man running across
the front yard. I raced into the kitchen, picked up the fridge, carried it back to
the bedroom and hurled it out of the window at the running man. But
unfortunately the effort was too much for me and I died.”

"What about you?" St. Peter says to the second man.

"Well," he replies, "I don't know what the hell happened. I was late for an
appointment so I ran out of my ground-floor apartment and some idiot
dropped a fridge on my head and I died.”

"And what about you?" says St. Peter to the third man.

“Well, Pete," says the man shyly, "it all started when I was in this fridge.”
Before she leaves her friend's house one evening, aunt Emma is warned that a
sex maniac is loose in the neighborhood.

When she returns to her apartment, she cautiously looks under the bed, in her
closet, and behind her curtains.Then Emma switches on the light.

"Well, " she sighs, "he is not here, damn it!”

Becky Goldberg phones down to the hotel manager. "I am up here in room five
hundred and ten," she shouts angrily, "and I want you to know there is a man
walking around the room across the way stark naked, and his blinds are up.”

"I will be up right away," says the manager. He enters Becky's room, peers
through the window and says, "You are right Madam, the man does appear to
be naked. But his window still covers him from the waist down, no matter where
he is in the room.”

"Ah, yes," yells Becky. "But just stand on the bed, just stand on the bed!”

The little Toyota car comes to a sudden stop. "Have you run out of petrol?" asks
Ruthie Goldberg, sarcastically. "No, of course not," replies young Fagin
Finkelstein. "Then why have we stopped?" says Ruthie.

”Well," says Fagin, "you have probably noticed that we are parked in a quiet
place in the forest miles from anywhere so I thought you might like a discussion
about the hereafter.”

"That's something new," replies Ruthie. "What do you mean?”

"Simple," says Fagin. "If you are not here after what I am here after, you will be
here after I have gone.”

Two Martians land on earth near a deserted gas station. They leave their flying
saucer and waddle over to one of the gas pumps. One Martian talks to the
pump: "Can you take us to your leader?”
There is no reply and the other Martian whispers, "Be careful, this guy looks
mean!” The braver Martian points his ray gun at the pump and says, "Did you
hear? Take us to your leader!” Again there is no reply.

"Let‘s get out of here," says the second Martian. "No!" says his friend. "This
time he will talk." He prods the gas pump with his ray gun and shouts, "Take us
to your leader or I will shoot!”

He waits for a moment and then shoots. There is an enormous explosion. A

minute later, a mile away, the Martians get up and dust themselves off. "I told
you to be careful,” says one. “Any guy that can take his prick, wrap it twice
round himself and stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with!”

Old man Finkelstein and old man Rabinowitz are having a holiday in Miami,
when they meet two young ladies considerably younger than themselves. They
both fall in love and decide to get married in a double ceremony.

Following the wedding night they are both in their rocking chairs after breakfast
when old man Fink says, "You know, Abie, I had better see a doctor. “

"Why is that?" says old man Rabinowitz. "Well," says Fink "I could not perform
last night.”

"My god," says Abie. "In that case I had better see a psychiatrist.”

"Why?" asked Fink.

"Well," says Abie, "I didn't even think of it!”

Alvin Pimpleburger turns sixteen years old, so his proud father gives him twenty
dollars and sends him off to the local whorehouse. On his way into town, Alvin
passes his grandmother's house and she calls him in. He explains where he is
going, and his granny insists that he saves the twenty dollars and makes love to
her instead. Alvin returns home with a big smile on his face. "How was it?" his
father asks. "Great!" replies Alvin. "And I saved the twenty bucks.”

"How did you do that?" asks his father. "I did it with granny," Alvin explains.
"Do you mean to say," screams his father, "that you fucked my mother?”

"And why not?" replies Alvin. "You have been fucking mine!”
One night, after their owner is asleep, the parts of the body are arguing about
which has the toughest job.

"I've really got it rough," moan the feet. "He puts me in these smelly sneakers,
makes me jog until I have blisters… it's awful!”

"You've got no reason to complain'," says the stomach. “Just last night, I got
nothing but beer, spaghetti and aspirin". It's a miracle I kept it together.”

"Ah, quit bitching, you two," moans the prick. "Every night, he sticks me up a
dark tunnel and makes me do push-ups until I throw up!”

Five of the most important men in a woman's life.

THE DOCTOR: He says, "Take off your clothes.”
THE DENTIST: He says, "Open wide.”
THE HAIRDRESSER: He says: "Do you want it teased or blown?”
THE INTERIOR DECORATOR: He says, "You will like it once it is in.”
THE MILKMAN: He says, "Do you want it in front or in the back?”

A sexy blonde with a stunning figure boards a bus and finding no empty seats,
asks a gentleman for his, explaining that she is pregnant. The man stands up at
once and gives her his seat, but can't help commenting that she does not look
pregnant.

"Well," she replies with a smile, "it has only been about half an hour, and it
really makes me very tired!”

Mendel Kravitz is a fitness freak; he lifts weights and jogs five miles a day. One
day, he is admiring his body in the mirror. He notices that he is really suntanned
all over, except on his prick, so he decides to do something about it. He goes to
the beach, undresses, and buries himself in the sand, except for his prick which
he leaves sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach, and one looks down and says,
“There really is no justice in this world!”

"What do you mean?" her friend asks. The first old lady says, "Look at that!
When I was ten years old, I was afraid of it. When I was twenty years old, I was
curious about it. When I was thirty, I enjoyed it. When I was forty, I asked for it.
When I was fifty, I paid for it. When I was sixty, I prayed for it. When I was
seventy, I forgot all about it. "And now that I'm eighty, the damn thing is
growing all over wild!”

Ruben Levinsky is telling his friends at the club how his five-year-old son got his
nursemaid pregnant.

"But that is impossible!" cries Sollie.

"Unfortunately it is not," replies the embarrassed Ruben. "The little wretch

punctured all my condoms with a pin.”

Old man Finkelstein suspects that his butler has been stealing cigars and shouts
to him in the next room, 'J'ames, you have been stealing my cigars.”

There is no answer so he repeats it louder. There is still no answer, so he goes in

the next room and confronts his servant. “James," he says, "didn't you hear me
speaking to you just now?”

“No, Sir," replies the butler, "there must be something wrong with the
acoustics.”

"Really," says Finkelstein. "Well, you go next door and say something and we
will see whether I can hear it.”

James goes into the next room and yells out at the top of his voice, "Some fat
son-of-a-bitch has been screwing around with my wife." He then returns. "Did
you hear me, Sir'?" he asks nonchalantly.

"You are right, James" replies Finkelstein, blushing, "I could not hear a word.
Have a cigar.”

The landlord had robbed the poor farmer's daughter of her virginity, but he
wanted to be just, so he sent for the mother of the girl to come to him. He said
to the mother, "You must know, I can't marry your daughter, but I wish to
compensate her. I will settle five thousand rupees on the child and give a further
two thousand rupees to your daughter. For yourself, I have five hundred rupees.”
The mother was left a little breathless. "The blessings of all the saints be on you.
The blessings of all the gods be on you. The blessings of all the sages," and she
paused as an awful thought struck her. "Ah, heavens, Sir," she said, "if she has a
miscarriage, will you give her another chance?”

Old Tom, Dick and Harry are sitting in the park, discussing whose memory
goes back the farthest. "I remember," says Harry, “being taken to the church
and someone splashing water on me.”

"Ah," says old Tom, "that's nothing, I can remember being squeezed something
terrible and coming out into this bright room and being spanked.”

"I got you both beat," says Dick, "I remember going to a picnic with my father
and coming back with my mother.”

A young American couple who were touring England went to Canterbury

Cathedral, Where they could not resist making love on one of the historic
marble tombstones. The next day the girl complained of back pain and went to
see a local doctor.

After the doctor examined her, he told her that he could find nothing wrong.
"But by the way," he asked, "how old are you?”

"Twenty-four," she answered. “Why?”

"Well," said the doctor, "it says on your ass that you were born in 1787.”

An astronaut lands on Mars and comes across a beautiful Martian woman

stirring a pot over a flaming fire.

"What are you doing?" he asks. "Making babies," she replies.

"That is not how we do it on Earth," he tells her. "How is' it done there?" she
asks. "I can't explain,” he says,“but I can SHOW you how - may I?”

"Sure," she says, and he proceeds to show her how it is done. When they are
finished she asks, "Where are the babies?”

"Oh," he tells her, "they don't come for another nine months.”
"So," she replies, "why did you stop stirring? Go on stirring, that's how we do it.
Until the babies come - go on stirring.”

A young man asked his friend, "How come that old maid keeps getting the best-
looking boys for each dance?”

"That is easy," his friend replied. "When she was young she gave it away, later
she sold it, and now that she is rich, she is buying it back!”

A racing car driver picked up a girl after the race and took her home. Later that
night, after a passionate bout of lovemaking, the man drifted off into sleep. He
awoke suddenly, with a very angry woman astride him, smacking his face.

"What is the matter?" he asked. "You were talking in your sleep," she shouted.
"You were feeling my tits and saying, ‘What perfect headlights,’ and you felt my
legs and said, ‘What a smooth finish.’

"Well what's wrong with that?" the driver asked. "Nothing," cried the woman,
"but when you felt my pussy and yelled, ‘Who left the garage door open…?’"

In desperation the young bride finally takes pen in hand and writes to the
problem page of a newspaper. "I am married to a sex maniac. My husband
never leaves me alone. He makes love to me all night long, while I am in the
shower, while cooking breakfast, even while I'm trying to clean the house. Can
you tell me what to do?" signed, Exhausted. “P.S.: Please excuse the jerky
handwriting.”

A divorced woman, frustrated with married life, runs an ad in the local

newspaper that reads: "Looking for a man who won’t beat me, who won't run
around on me, and who is a fantastic lover.”

After one week, her doorbell rings. She goes to the door, opens it, and sees no
one there. She closes the door, and is about to walk away when the bell rings
again. Opening the door once again, she sees no one there, but happens to look
down and notices a man with no arms and no legs sitting on the doorstep.
"I'm here to answer your ad," he says. The woman does not know quite what to
do or what to say. So the man continues, "As you can see, I can't beat you, and it
will be impossible for me to run around on you.”

“Yes, I can see that," said the woman, "but the ad also said I wanted a fantastic
lover.” The man smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?”

Although he was approaching eighty, the old colonel refused to accept his loss of
sexual desire and stamina, so he consulted a doctor. The doctor was amused,
and asked, “Why should you be so concerned? It is only to be expected at your
time of life.”

"But a friend of mine who is eighty-five says he still makes love to his wife every
night,” replied the colonel. The doctor smiled, "Why can't you say the same
thing?” It is only a question of saying.

One hippie turns to another and says, "Hey man, turn on the radio.”

"Okay," the second hippie answers. And then leaning over very close to the
radio he whispers, “Baby, I love you.”

An old man walks into a health clinic and tells the doctor, "You have got to do
something to lower my sex drive.”

The doctor takes one look at the feeble old man and says, "Now, now sir, I have
got the feeling that your sex drive is all in your head.”

"That's what I mean sonny," the old man says. "I have got to lower it a little.”

A man is very embarrassed about his small prick. So one day he decides to go to
the doctor for a new one. "We have three sizes for you to choose from," begins
the doctor. "We have the regular six-inch model, then we have the super eight-
inch classic, and last we have the ten-inch super deluxe.”

"Wow," says the man. "I will go for the ten-inch super deluxe." So the doctor
goes into the next room and brings out the ten incher for the man to look at.
"Well, doc," says the man, "I love it. It is really great. But do you have it in
white?”

A woman walks into a bank and goes to the bank president's office. She walks
straight up to his desk and says, "I would like to make a ten thousand dollar
bet.”

"I am sorry, madam," replies the president, "but this bank does not take bets.”

"I don't want to bet with the bank," she says, "I want to bet with you. I bet that
by ten o'clock tomorrow your testicles will be square.”

"I think you are a fool," says the president, "but I will take the bet. Be here at
ten tomorrow and bring ten thousand dollars.”

At nine fifty-five, the woman walks in with a tall, stately looking gentleman.
"Who is this guy?" asks the president. "He is my attorney," replies the woman.
"He has come to see that everything is done right.”

"Okay," says the president, and laughing he pulls down his pants. The woman
reaches over and feels if they are square. At that moment, the attorney collapses
in a dead faint. "What is up with him'?" asks the president. "Well," replies the
woman, "I bet him fifty thousand dollars that by ten this morning I would have
a bank president by the balls.”

Herman is an eternal optimist, and whatever happens to him, he always says,

"Well, it could have been worse.” One day his neighbor, Amos, comes home
and finds his wife in bed with a strange man. In a fit of rage, Amos shoots them
dead, and is later arrested for murder.

While everyone is discussing the tragedy, Herman says, "Well, it could have
been worse.”

"How could it be worse?" says an angry neighbor. "TWO people are dead and a
nice guy like Amos is going to prison for the rest of his life.”

"Well," insists Herman, "If Amos had come home on Thursday afternoon, I’D
be dead!”
After five days locked away in their hotel room, the honeymoon couple finally
decide to go out for the evening. The husband calls the front desk to find out
what is playing at the movies.

"Darling," he calls out to his Wife, "do you want to see Oliver Twist?”

"Honey," she calls back, "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I’ll
scream.”

Lucy Leggs is a big fan of rock and roll music. One day she goes to the local
tattoo artist and says, "I want a tattoo of Elvis Presley on the inside of my thigh.
Can you do it?”

"Sure," says the man. When he has finished, Lucy looks down and says in
disgust, "That does not look like Elvis. No way! I am not going to pay you for
that.”

"Okay," says the artist, "let me try again on your other thigh." When he has
finished, Lucy is furious. "That does not look like Elvis either," she exclaims.

"Wait a minute," says the tattoo artist i' desperation, "I will go out and bring in a
guy off the street; if he can identify the tattoos, will you pay me?”

Lucy agrees, so he rushes out and finds a drunk staggering along the road. He
drags him into the studio, points at the girl’s spread thighs and says to the
drunkard, "Can you recognize these two tattoos?”

The drunk says, "I don't know about the guys on the thighs, but that guy in the
middle is definitely Mick Jagger.”

One day a psychiatrist was invited by the local women's club to give a talk about
sex. He accepts the invitation, but because his wife is a bit of a prude, he tells
her he is going to talk about fishing. The next day the psychiatrist's wife happens
to meet the sponsor of the talk in the local supermarket.

"Your husband," gushes the woman, "gave a splendid speech last night.”

"I am surprised to hear that," replies the wife. "After all, he has no experience in
that area.”
"Come on, now," says the other woman blushing, “he seemed to know a great
deal about the subject.”

"Maybe," replies the wrf'e, "but he only tried it twice. The first time he threw up
after eating what he caught and the second time he lost his rod!”

The stern mother declares to her wild daughter, "I never slept with a man
before I slept with your father. Will you be able to say the same thing to your
daughter?”

"Yes," replies the girl, "but not with such a straight face!”

A man goes into the pharmacy and says to the aging female assistant, "I'd like
ten condoms please, miss.”

"Don't you miss me!" snaps the assistant. "Okay," he replies. "Then give me
eleven.”

Old man Finkelstein was brought to court on charges of sexually molesting a

teenage girl. The judge dismissed the case because the evidence would not stand
up in court.

Miss Crumbum, the sexy high school teacher, has been saving up her money
and is finally aboard a sleek ocean liner for her long-anticipated trip to Europe.
Aboard ship she writes, "Dear Diary… Monday: I felt singularly honored this
evening - the captain asked me to dine at his table.

Tuesdasy: I spent the entire morning on the bridge with the captain.

Wednesday: the captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a

gentleman.

Thursday: tonight the captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to
his indecent proposals.

Friday: this afternoon I saved sixteen hundred lives.”

A beautiful young woman is strolling through the zoo, and finally stops in front
of the monkey cage. Seeing no monkeys around, she asks the keeper, "Where
are all the monkeys today?”

"They are inside their house, miss," he replies. "It is the mating season.”

"Will they come out if I throw them some peanuts?" she asks.

The keeper scratches his head and says, "I don't know, miss. Would you?”

Dolores marries old Mr. Pincus because she figures she will get his money
without having to put out much. On their wedding night she giggles when he
takes out a condom and lays it on the night table.

"Darling," she murmurs, "don't you think you are being a little cautious? After
all, you are eighty-eight.” But Mr. Pincus only snickers and moments later takes
cotton wool from the drawer and stuffs it up his nostrils. He then takes out a
pair of earplugs.

"Darling," she says, "I understand the condom, but what are you doing now?”

"Honey," he replies, putting in his ear plugs, "you might as well know now that
there are two things I can't stand in life. One is a woman screaming, and the
other," he says as he snaps off the light, "is the smell of burning rubber.”

Miss Rustyfan, a frustrated old spinster, is a menace to the police. She keeps
phoning up to say that there is a man under her bed. Before long she is sent to
the mental hospital where she is treated with the latest drugs until one day she
declares that she is cured.

"You mean, Miss," asks one of the panel of shrinks, "that you can no longer see
a man under your bed?”

“No, I can't," she replies, "I can see two.”

The doctors consult and diagnose her complaint as malignant virginity, for
which there is only one kind of injection that can cure her. They decide to shut
her up in her bedroom with Big Don, the hospital handyman.
Big Don is told of her complaint and that he will be locked up with her for an
hour. He says that it will not take so long. As the bedroom door closes an
anxious group gathers outside. From inside is heard, "No, stop it, Don! Mother
would never forgive you." CRASH!

"Stop yelling! It has got to be done sometime! It should have been done years
ago.”

"Have it your way by force then, you brute!" BANG!

"It is only what your husband would have done if you had married." CRASH!

The medics can not wait. They burst in the room. "I have cured her!" cries
Don.

"He's cured me!" calls out Miss Rustyfan. "He has chopped the legs off the
bed!”

The suave, impeccably dressed gentleman approaches the menswear counter

and is greeted by a beautiful, shapely, young attendant. "Good afternoon," she
murmurs huskily, "and what is your desire?”

"My desire," he says, after giving her a long appreciative look, "is to take you in
my arms, rush you to my apartment, open a magnum of champagne, put on
some romantic music, and make hot love to you. However, what I need now is a
new shirt."

Fabulously rich Milton Trueheart is dating his secretary, Etta Apple, and he
wants to buy her a present.

"There is only one thing I want," Etta tells him. "All I want is a solid-gold boy
scout knife.” He offers her yachts, cars, mink coats - but she insists for a solid-
gold boy scout knife.

The stunned Milton goes away and has one specially made. A week later, he
brings it to Etta and asks, "Is this all you want to make you happy? What are
you going to do with it?”

She opens a huge chest and puts the knife in amongst hundreds of other gold
knives. "My god!" gasps Mil‘ton.“What’s this all about?”
“Well,” replies Etta,“right now I am very young and beautiful and everyone
wants me. But some day I'm going to be old and ugly - and can you imagine
what a boy scout will do for one of these?”

Things are not going so well for Gilroy and Loretta when they go to bed
together for the first time. Gilroy is working away hard, but Loretta is not
responding at all. Finally in exasperation he asks her, "What is the matter?”

"It's your organ," Loretta replies, "I don't think it is big enough.”

"Well," Gilroy replies indignantly, "I did not think I would be playing in a
cathedral.”

The phone rings at the fire station one evening, and it is old Mrs. Bloom.

“You’ve got to help me!” she cries. "Some young man is trying to get into my
bedroom through the window.”

"Sorry, lady," comes back the answer, "you've got the fire department. What you
want is the police department.”

"No, no," she cries, "I WANT the fire department. What he needs is a longer
ladder!”

Adam and Eve are standing underneath the tree of knowledge, looking at the
apple in Eve's hand. Eve turns slowly to Adam and says, "Run that by me
again". After we have eaten the apple, we are going to do WHAT?”

Two nuns are walking through the woods one evening when they are jumped on
by two men who drag them in the bushes and begin to rape them. Sister Mary,
bruised and battered, looks up at the sky and begins to pray softly, “Forgive him
Lord, for he knows not what he is doing.” Sister Teresa looks over and says,
"That's a pity, mine does.”

Gorgeous Gloria walks in the office of Dr. Floss, the dentist, and is obviously
very nervous. "Oh doctor," she cries, "I'm so scared.You know, I think I would
rather have a baby than have a tooth filled.”
"Okay," says Floss with a sigh, "but make up your mind so I can adjust the
chair’."

Eunice and Frank were marooned on a small island in the middle of the ocean,
the only two survivors of a shipwreck. Eunice was a virgin and a strict Catholic,
but after a couple of months, Frank convinced her that they were never going to
be rescued.

Eunice finally relented and gave up her virginity. After a year, Eunice became so
ashamed of what she was doing that she killed herself. A year after that, Frank
became so ashamed of what he was doing that he buried her.

A man selling Vaseline Petroleum Jelly had gone around a number of houses in
town a week before and had left some samples, asking people to see if they
could find an ingenious use for it. Now he is going around to the same houses,
asking people what uses they have found for Vaseline.

The man in the first house says, "I used it for medicinal purposes. Whenever my
children scraped their elbows or knees, I would rub it on.”

The man in the second house says, "I used it for mechanical purposes, such as
greasing the bearings of my bicycle and lawnmower.”

Paddy Murphy, the man in the third house, says, "I used it for sexual purposes.”
In a shocked voice the salesman asks, "What do you mean?”

"Well," says Paddy, "I put a whole lot of it on the handle of my bedroom door
at night, to keep the kids out!”

A young couple have been trying for ages to have a baby, but with no success.
Finally they decide to go to the doctor with the problem. After a detailed
interview he suggests that maybe they should not make love every day, to avoid
it becoming a routine. They should make love only spontaneously. Not as if they
have to do it, but only when they are possessed by it.

"You have to find the right, spontaneous moment," the doctor says, "when you
feel the moment is right, do it.”
A few months later, sure enough, the woman is back and the doctor confirms
her pregnancy.

"May I enquire if my advice was of any help?”

"Oh, doc," she says, "it was terrific. We were having a romantic candlelight
dinner with French wine and soft music, and suddenly our hands met. We were
looking deep into each others eyes and we both knew, ‘this is it!’ We simply
threw off the tablecloth and made love right on the table.”

"Amazing," says the doctor. "Yes, it was great," she says, "the only sad thing
about it is, that we can never go to that restaurant again.”

6. RELIGION
Now; put on the lights! It is time for Sardar Gurudayal Singh.

Let the Christian ship drown. You have found something alive; you can laugh and you can
dance and you can celebrate…

All your so-called religions are too serious. To me seriousness is sickening. Laughter has a
health, a beauty; a quality of grace and dance. I am in absolute favor of laughter and against
sadness. Sadness is sickness and is very close to death. Laughter is life and is’ very close to the
universal life, to the very God that is spread all over.

A few laughs to make you light to make you nonserious…

I am being blamed all over the world, in news articles, that I am a nonserious man. They think
they are condemning me - it is a compliment. They don ’t understand that, to me seriousness is
sickness. And to be nonserious, to be playful, to take everything as fun is, according to me, the
only authentic religiousness.

Polly gets religion…

… it happens in Christianity; a few people get religion…

… and when she leaves her profession in a whorehouse she starts a new life with
Christ’s Salvation Army. One night she is beating a drum on a street corner.
"I used to lay in the arms of men!" shouts Polly. Boom! goes the drum.
"White men!" shouts Polly. Boom!
"Black men!" shouts Polly. Boom! Boom!
"Chinamen!" shouts Polly. Boom! Boom! Boom!
"I used to lay in the arms of the devil himself !" she shouts. Boom! Boom! Boom!
Boom!
"That's right, sister. Hallelujah!" comes a voice from the back of the crowd.
"Screw them all!”

But this is a common phenomenon, when people get religion. It is a great contribution of
Christianity to the world - they get religion and also a drum! So they shout their sins and beat
the drum to attract the attention of people, so they also can have religion.

But it is such a stupid thing. Religion is not something that one gets - one has it, nobody can
give it to you. It is your very being.

Now, Nivedano… Boom!

It is the Last Supper. Everyone has finished their dinner, and the waiter brings
Jesus the bill.

"Heavens above," says Jesus. "I can't afford this!" And he passes the bill to Peter.
"Holy Mackerel!" says Peter, passing the bill to Mark.

"Lord save us!" says Mark, and he passes the bill to James. This continues all
down the table until at the very far end the bill is passed to Judas.

"Holy Moses!" cries Judas. "And where the hell am I going to get thirty pieces
of silver?”

Following an ancient custom, the rabbi of the local synagogue prostrates

himself before the Ark of the Lord. "Oh Lord,” he cries, “forgive me, for I am
as nothing.”

Then the cantor follows, "Oh Lord, forgive me, for I am as nothing.”

A little old man praying nearby in his tobacco-stained shirt and old shoes calls
out, “Oh Lord, forgive me, for I am as nothing.”

The disgusted rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thmk's he is
nothing!”

A guy goes up to the Polack pope and says "Hey Pope, fuck you!” The pope
cannot believe it. He says, "Me? The head of the Catholic Church? Me, the
spiriitual head of millions and millions? Me, the direct descendant of Jesus
Christ? Me, the only representative of God on earth? Fuck ME? Fuck YOU!”

The Polack pope died and went to heaven…

It is a story of the future, because this Polack pope seems to be very slow to die. Popes
ordinarily have died within an average of one or two years at the most because by the time they
become popes, they are always around the age of seventy-five, seventy-eight.

And they must have been hoping that this Polack would also die - but they don’t know Polacks.
He has completely forgotten about dying; and he is enjoying his popehood so greatly - no other
pope has ever done such things. He is continuously touring around the world, and the Vatican is
getting into debt: nine million dollars he has spent on traveling. The last time he went to
Australia, just two days before him the British queen had also gone to Australia. More money
was spent on the pope ’s visit to Australia than on that of the queen of England. And these are
the people who say, “Blessed are the poor. ”

… But finally, the Polack pope died and went to heaven with pomp and
circumstance. At the pearly gates, Saint Peter stopped him and said, "Hey, you
can't walk in just like that.

Who are you?”

The pope answered, “Well, I am your very own representative on earth. I am

the pope.” Saint Peter said, "Pope? My representative? I have never heard of
you.”

The pope, puzzled, said, "Ah, just tell God I am here. He will tell you to let me
in.”

Saint Peter yelled, "Hey, boss, a guy here says he is the pope. Do you know
him?” God answered, "Never heard of him’."

The pope said, "Strange, but ask Jesus. He knows me.” Saint Peter yelled, "Hey,
sonny. There is a guy here says he is the pope. You know him’?” Jesus answered,
“No."

Saint Peter said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in. Nobody around here knows you.”

The pope said, "You can't turn me away like this. I am the pope himself. Ask the
Holy Ghost. He knows me for sure.”

Saint Peter yelled again, "Hey, spook! A guy here claims you know him. Says he
is the pope.”

And the Holy Ghost shouted, "The pope, sure I know him. He is the guy that
spread those dirty rumors about me and Mary. Kick him out of here.”

It is a closely guarded secret that the Vatican has a weekend resort for senior
church members.

The nuns who live in this special resort are sworn to silence, but they have
worked out their own coded language.
One weekend, the resort is graced by His Holiness Pope the Polack, along with
a cardinal and a bishop. After dinner the three men of the church retire to their
rooms where they are entertained by their hostesses.

The following morning at breakfast, Sister Margaret, who has been entertaining
the bishop, picks up a piece of toast and with a great display butters it four
times.

Sister Gloria, who has spent the night entertaining the cardinal, takes her toast,
and with a satisfied smile, butters it five times.

Sister Theresa has spent the night in Pope the Polack's room, and looks a little
pale and tired. Slowly, she reaches for her toast. She takes some butter, and
spreads it three times. The other two nuns start to giggle. But then, Sister
Theresa turns her toast over, and butters it three times on the back.

A Catholic priest in Rome visits a brothel. When he has finished, instead of

having to pay he is given ten dollars. The priest rushes off to tell the cardinal
about this. Sure enough, the next day the cardinal goes to the same brothel.
When he has finished, instead of having to pay he is given one hundred dollars.
The cardinal can't believe his luck. So he runs off to tell Pope the Polack about
this incredible deal.

The next night the Polack pope sneaks down to the red-light district and finds
the same place.When he has finished they give him a check for a thousand
dollars. “Just a minute," cries the Polack pope, "this is unbelievable! How come
you pay the customers here?”

"Well," says the madam, "it is like this. We got a great photograph of the priest
in action. We made a great movie out of the cardinal. And right now you are
appearing live on satellite television.”

Pope the Polack is wandering through the Vatican gardens one day, when he
nearly steps on a toad.

"Hey!" shouts the toad. "Don't pass me by!”

"What?" cries the startled pope.

"I am a human being," replies the toad, "who has been bewitched to look like a
toad. Whoever saves me will have anything he wants.”

"Well," replies Pope the Polack, "I always wanted to be the most famous pope of
all time!”

"Simple!" says the toad. "You take me to your bed, let me sleep on your pillow,
and in the morning you will have a wonderful surprise!”

So Pope the Polack puts the toad under his huge pointed hat and smuggles it
into his bed. Just as the cardinal brings in the pope's early morning tea, the toad
changes into a beautiful princess…

At least, this is the story the pope is giving to the newspapers.

Sister Theresa is finally going to take her first holiday at the sea beach, after
many years of devoted service to the priest, Father Sullivan. Before she leaves,
she gives Sister Bernadette detailed instructions on how to look after the old boy
while she is away.

Father Sullivan is lying in bed when Sister Bernadette brings in breakfast on the
first morning. He tells her that he has a key between his legs and that she has a
lock between hers.

“If I put my key in your lock," says the old priest, "it will open the kingdom of
heaven.”

Two weeks later, when Sister Theresa gets back from her holiday, Sister
Bernadette eagerly explains to her about the gates of heaven.

"Why, that lying old bastard!" shrieks SisterTheresa. "Twenty years ago he told
me it was Gabriel's horn, and I’ve been blowing it ever since!”

Little Ernie is pulling his new cart past the local priest, when one of the wheels
falls off.

"Shit!" says Ernie.

"Young man," scolds the priest severely, "don't you ever say that again. If
something goes wrong, you say, ‘Help me, Lord,’ instead. Do you understand?”
"Okay, Father," says Ernie. But the very next day, a second wheel falls off just as
the priest is walking by. "Shit!" says Ernie.

"What did I tell you?" shouts the priest. "Okay, okay!" says Ernie.

TWO days later, the remaining two wheels fall off. The priest happens to be in
the bushes listening carefully.

"Help me, Lord," says Ernie. And immediately all four wheels jump back on the
cart. The priest leaps out of the bushes in amazement, and cries, “Shit!”

One bright Sunday in the morning after church, Mother Superior takes the
nuns out for a bicycle ride. But before long, most of the nuns are squealing and
giggling and fooling around.

"All right, girls," shouts Mother Superior, "if you don't calm down and behave
yourselves, I am going to make you put the bicycles seats back on!”

Pope the Polack arrives in Washington to meet Ronald Reagan. He is taken to

the White House and given a beautiful suite of rooms. But when he walks into
the bedroom, there lying on the bed with nothing on but the TV set is a
beautiful girl. The pope is furious. He picks up the phone and calls Reagan in
his office.

"What is the meaning of this outrage, you big American dodo?" shouts the
pope. “How dare you embarrass me like this! I am His Holiness the Pope, and
you have the nerve to humiliate me this way! I am going to sue you for every
dollar you have!”

At this point the young lady gets off the bed and starts putting on her clothes.
The Polack pope turns to her and says, “Just a moment, Miss, I was not talking
to you!”

The 1988 meeting of the World Council of Churches is presided over by his
holiness, Pope the Polack. During the proceedings, he and brother Jesse Jackson,
the American presidential candidate, are having an argument about whether
God is black or white. Soon, the whole Council joins in and the pope is
screaming about white supremacy, and beating his fist wildly against his papal
throne.
Finally, the dreadful noise wakes up God from his sleep. He is very pissed off, so
he parts the clouds and bellows down in a thunderous voice, "I am what I am!”

A deathly silence falls over the Council, until Pope the Polack turns around and
says, "See, you black idiot? I told you God is white, and there is your proof !”

“What do you mean?" cries brother Jesse. "He only said a few words.”

"Aha!" says the Pope, "but if he was black he would have said, ‘I is what I is!”'

Michelangelo is painting the ceiling of the Sistine chapel. He is getting tired of

lying on his back, so he rolls over and sits on the edge of the scaffold. Looking
down he notices a little old lady praying in front of a statue of the Virgin Mary.

Wanting to have some fun, he shouts down in a deep voice, "I am Jesus Christ, I
am Jesus Christ! Listen to me and I will do miracles.”

The old lady looks up, clasps her rosary, and shouts back, "You shut-up-a your
mouth! I am-a talking to your mother!”

The printed sign on the church lawn says, IF TIRED OF SIN - COME IN.
Scrawled underneath in lipstick, IF NOT, CALL THE STAR HOTEL AND
ASK FOR LUCY.

A salesman is forced to share a room with a rabbi in a crowded hotel. He enters

the room and finds the rabbi kneeling in a corner, murmuring his prayers.

"Hi," says the salesman. "I'm your new roommate.”

The rabbi nods without interrupting his prayers.
"Well then, which bed shall I take?”
The rabbi points to one bed, continuing to pray.
The salesman nervously unpacks his bag, then all of a sudden says, "Say, rabbi,
do you mind if I bring up a girl?”
The rabbi, still praying, shouts, "Not one, two!”

A traveling salesman, staying overnight in a hotel, finds a BIBLE by his bed. On

the front page is this inscription: "If you are sick, read page forty-two. If you are
worried about your family, read page Sixty-eight. If you are lonely, read page
ninety-two.”

He is feeling lonely, so he opens to page ninety-two and reads it. When he has
finished he notices on the bottom of the page the hand-written words: "If you
are still lonely, call 62485 and ask for Gloria.”

The minister's wife is becoming upset that her husband exclaims, “Oh, Jesus,
sweet Jesus!” every time he has an orgasm.

"It's perfectly proper, my dear," he assures her, "and in accordance with THE
BIBLE where it says, ‘Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.”'

Paddy is known for his foul language by everyone in his congregation. The
priest takes him aside on Sunday and says, "Every time you swear you must give
five dollars to the nearest stranger. That will cure you soon enough.”

As Paddy is leaving, he stubs his toe and then silently hands the five dollars to a
woman just entering the church. "Okay," whispers the woman, "But can you
wait until' after the service?”

Father Fumble, a Catholic priest, is astonished one day to see his friend, Father
Finger, driving a Mercedes-Benz. He asks him how he can afford such a great
car when all HE can afford is a bicycle.

So Father Finger tells him that one day during the prayer before the collection
he was swinging his rosary when he realized that the whole congregation was
hypnotized. So he told everyone to empty their wallets and when he counted the
money he had enough to buy a car.

Father Fumble says, "That's great. I'm going to try it.”

But a few weeks later when they meet again, Father Fumble is still riding his
bicycle. "What happened?" asks Father Finger.

"Well," says Fumble, "everything went just as you said and the congregation was
completely in my power. But just then I dropped the rosary and said, ‘Oh shit,’
and I'm still cleaning the church!”
There is to be a christening party for Paddy and Maureen’s new baby, but
before the ceremony the priest takes Paddy aside and asks, "Are you prepared
for this solemn event?”

"I think so," replies the nervous Paddy. "I've got cheese rolls, salad and cake.”

"No, no," interrupts the priest, "I mean spiritually prepared?”

“Well, I don't know," says Paddy thoughtfully. "Do you think two cases of
whiskey are enough?”

A middle-aged woman confesses to her priest that she is becoming vain.

"Why do you think so?" asks the priest.

"Because," replies the woman, "every time I look in the mirror I am inspired by
my beauty.”

"Don't worry," says the priest, "that's not a sin, that's only a mistake!”

A reformed prostitute is giving testimony on a street corner with the Salvation

Army. She punctuates her talk by beating on a big drum.

"I used to be a sinner!" she shouts. BOOM! goes the drum.

“I used to be a bad woman!" she cries. BOOM!
"I used to drink!" BOOM!
"Gamble!" BOOM!
"Chase men!" BOOM! BOOM!
"I used to go wild on Saturday nights and raise hell!" BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"And now what do I do on Saturday nights?" she cries. "I stand on the street
corner beating this fucking drum!”

Mother Superior is returning from the bank one evening having deposited all
the charity collections of the week when she is held up at gunpoint.

"You are wasting your time, young man," she tells the robber. "I have no money.
I have just deposited it all in the bank.”
"We will see about that," says the robber, and he begins fumbling under her
black gown to search for the money.

"Oh! What are you doing?" cries the Mother Superior. "Oh! Oh!" she gasps as
he looks disappointed. "Don't stop now...I'll write you a check!”

The fire-and-brimstone preacher storms into a saloon in the Wild West and
shouts, "Repent, you vile sinners! Drinking that disgusting liquid will send you
all to Hell. Join with me. All of you who want to go to Heaven, stand on this
side.”

Everybody staggers to his side of the room, except for one old drunk. The
preacher shouts at him, "Don't you want to go to Heaven?”

"No, I don‘t," replies the drunk.

"You mean to tell me that you don't want to go to Heaven when you die?" asks
the astonished preacher.

“A-ha!” replies the drunk, "When I die! I thought you meant right now.”

Father Murphy wants to raise money for his church and he has heard that there
is a fortune to be made in horse racing. However, he does not have enough
money to buy a horse, so he decides to buy a donkey instead and enters him in a
race. To his surprise the donkey comes third.

The headline on the sports page reads: "Priest's Ass Shows.”

Father Murphy enters it in another race and this time it wins. The headline
reads: "Priest's Ass Out Front.”

The bishop is so upset by this kind of publicity that he orders Father Murphy
not to race his donkey again. The headline reads: "Bishop Scratches Priest's
Ass.”

This is too much for the bishop. So he orders Father Murphy to get rid of the
donkey.

He gives it to Sister Theresa. The headline reads: "Nun Has Best Ass in Town."
The bishop faints.
He then informs Sister Theresa that she must dispose of the donkey. She sells it
to Paddy for ten dollars.

The next day the bishop is found dead on the dining room table with a
newspaper clutched in his hand.

The headline reads: "Nun Peddles Her Ass forTen Bucks.”

Sisters Agnes, Theresa and Margaret go out for a walk from the convent. They
enter the local liquor store and order a bottle of bourbon whiskey.

"Sisters," says the owner, looking concerned, "you should not be drinking hard
liquor.”

"It is not for us," explains Sister Agnes, "This is for Mother Superior's
constipation.”

He sells them the whiskey and the nuns leave. Later as he closes the store and
walks down the street, the owner finds the nuns sitting under a tree, gulping in
turns from the bottle.

"Sisters, I'm shocked," he says. "You told me that booze was for Mother
Superior's constipation.”

"It is," says Sister Theresa. "When she hears about this she will shit herself.”

One day while on holiday in Italy, Hymie Goldberg finds himself traveling in a
train compartment with Pope the Polack, Mother Teresa and a beautiful young
orphan girl.

Suddenly the train enters a tunnel and the compartment is plunged into
darkness. Then everyone hears the sound of a kiss, followed by a slap across the
face. When the train leaves the tunnel, everyone looks at each other in stony
silence.

Mother Teresa thinks to herself, "One of these filthy guys kissed my orphan, but
she being a good girl, slapped him.”

The girl thinks to herself, "One of these guys tried to kiss me, but in the dark
kissed Mother Teresa instead, and she of course slapped him.”
Pope the Polack thinks, "That Jewish jerk kissed the girl and she slapped me
instead, the bitch!”

And Hymie thinks to himself, "I hope there is another tunnel soon so I can kiss
my hand and slap that Polack idiot again!”

An old couple are sitting at home one evening listening to the faith healer on the
radio.

"Okay folks," he begins, "God wants to heal you all. All you have to do is put
one hand on the radio and the other hand on the part that is sick.”

The old lady gets up, shuffles over to the radio and puts her hand on her
arthritic hip.

Then the old man puts one hand on the radio and the other hand on his fly. His
Wife looks at him with contempt and says, "You old idiot. The man said he
would heal the sick, not raise the dead!”

Sid Levensky, aged eighty-three, goes into the confessional at Saint John's
Cathedral. The priest asks him, "Have you anything to confess?”

"Yes," says the old man, "my wife died two months ago. Two days after she
passed on I met another woman. She is twenty-two years old. I have been
sleeping with her since the day I met her. Sometimes we do it two or three times
a day.”

"And how old are you?" asks the priest. "Eighty-three," Sid replies.

"Oh dear!" says the priest, "Go home and say ten Hail Marys.”

"I can't do that," says the old man, "I'm Jewish.”

"Then for God's sake, why are you telling me all this?" asks the priest. "Oh, it‘s
not just you," replies Sid, "I'm telling everybody!”

Hymie Goldberg walks in the place in Jerusalem where the last supper is being
held. He sits down at the table and says to the waiter, "Give me a scotch and
soda.”
"I'm sorry sir," replies the waiter, "all we are serving here is wine.”

"Okay, some wine then," says Hymie, "and give me a mushroom pizza and a
large salad.”

"Sorry Sir'," says the waiter, "but all we are serving is bread.”

"My God! Only bread and wine?" yells Hymie. "The guy who's giving this party
should be crucified!”

Paddy nearly has an accident at work, and he is so shocked that he decides to

become a reformed Christian. He tells Maureen that he is going to give up sex
for a month. With only a few days to go before the end of the month, Paddy
and Maureen are shopping together in the local supermarket. Maureen leans
over a tray of apples and Paddy gets a good look at her chest and nearly goes
mad.

A few minutes later, Paddy sees her thigh when her dress gets tangled in another
customer’s shopping cart. In the confusion, he loses all control of himself,
forgetting his vow of celibacy completely.

A few days later, Paddy goes to confession and tells Father Murphy that he has
broken his vow. The priest tries to console him, saying that after all the days and
nights of his great effort, God and the church would forgive him.

"I'm not worried about God and the church," replies Paddy, "but Maureen and
I feel terrible because they won't let us back in the supermarket!”

Pope the Polack puts on civilian clothes so that he can walk around the streets
without being recognized. While he is out walking, a woman comes up to him
and says, "Want a blow job?” The pope says, "A blow job? What's that?”

The woman replies, "Ten dollars.” The pope is mystified, but he continues his
walk through the streets. Everywhere he goes, he is met by women saying, "Blow
job, blow job!" all day long.

Finally, when he returns to the Vatican and the papal palace, he sees one of the
nuns. "Tell me, sister," asks Pope the Polack, "what's a blow job?”

The nun replies, "Ten dollars.”

A little priest, a minister and a rabbi get together and talk about the issue of
"When life begins.”

The priest opens by saying, "I think that life begins at the precise moment the
sperm fertilizes the egg.”

The minister says, “Well, I think life begins at the moment the baby draws its
first breath.”

Then they both look at the rabbi, who says, "Well, I think life begins when the
dog has died and the children have moved out of the house.”

Jesus and Saint Peter come down to earth to see how things are going. After
traveling all day through the universe they arrive after dark near an old
farmhouse. Not wanting to freak out the farmer, they decide to sleep in the
barn.

Jesus says to Peter, "I am going to sleep upstairs in the hayloft and you stay
down here. And when you are comfortable, sing me a lullaby to help me go to
sleep." Peter agrees and starts singing softly.

"Sing louder!" calls out Jesus. "But my Lord," says Peter, "the farmer may wake
up.”

"Peter!" says Jesus, "do you trust me?”

So Peter sings louder until the farmer wakes up, comes running into the barn
and gives Peter a good beating. "Peter," says Jesus, "do you still trust me?”

"Of course," says Peter. "A little beating can't shake me.”

So Jesus tells him to continue singing. After a few minutes the farmer runs out
again, really furious, picks up a stick and beats Peter with it.

When he has gone Jesus says, "Peter, do you still trust me?”

"Well," says Peter, "maybe we could change places for a little while.”

"Okay," says Jesus, “if you think' it will help your trust.”
So they change places and this time Peter sings really loudly, thinking to himself,
“This will show him’!"

Sure enough, a minute later the farmer, purple with rage, comes into the barn
and grabs Jesus.

Then he stops and says, "No, you have had enough. Now I will give it to the
idiot upstairs.”

The young nun rushes in the mother superior's office and exclaims, "We have
got a fresh case of syphilis in the convent!”

The mother superior looks up and says, "Thank God. I'm sick to death of red
wine!”

The priest has just finished his sermon on charity, and so passes his hat around
for donations. The hat goes around the whole congregation and then comes
back to him as empty as when he sent it out.

The priest looks inside, then shrugs and looks up to heaven and says, "Thank
you Lord for small mercies. At least I got my hat back!”

A priest and a drunken bus driver arrive at the pearly gates where they meet St.
Peter. "I am the village priest and would like to be admitted to heaven," says the
priest. "And I am the village bus driver and I want to come in too," says the
drunk.

"Okay," says St. Peter. "You, Mr. Priest, will have to wait over there for a few
years, but you Mr. Bus Driver, you can go right in.”

"But wait a minute," says the priest, "I preached every Sunday in church and
taught people how to pray and be good. He is nothing but a drunkard.”

"Listen," says St. Peter, "when you preached everybody slept. But when he
drove, everybody prayed like crazy.”

I have heard that when Muktananda died, one of his disciples was so devoted to him that he
could not live another day - the next day he also died. Naturally, the first thing was to look
around for where his great master Muktananda was.
He was very much ashamed to see that he was lying down under a beautiful tree - flowers
were showering from the tree and Muktananda was lying down naked with a beautiful woman.

As he came closer he said, “My God. He was always against pleasures, but perhaps this must
be a reward for his great celibacy. " Coming closer he saw that it was nobody other than the
great film actress, Marilyn Monroe. He fell to the feet of his master and said, “My master; I
always knew you would be greatly rewarded.”

Monroe said, "You idiot! You don 't understand anything. I am not his reward; he is my
punishment!”

Buster Chubbs dies and goes to hell. The receptionist asks, "Where do you want
to go?”

"Do I have a choice?" asks the surprised Buster. "Certainly!“ says the
receptionist. “This anteroom is surrounded by closed doors. Just listen at each
one and decide which you want to enter.”

Buster listens at the first door and hears horrible shrieks of agony. He goes to
the second, then the third - always hearing screams, cries, and yells. Finally, at
the seventh door, he hears nothing but gentle murmuring.

He says quickly, "I'll take this one.” The door is flung open and he is propelled
inside. Buster finds himself up to his lower lip in a vast sea of shit.

With him are millions of others, standing on tiptoe, muttering, "Don't make
waves! Don’t make waves!”

Pope the Polack is finally persuaded by his cardinals to find a woman, so that he
can better understand the problems of mankind.

“Well-a, okay,” says the Polack Pope, “but she’s-a gotta have certain
qualifications.

“Fir'st-a, she’s gotta be blind, so she can’t see what-a I am doing to her. Second-
a, she’s-a gotta be deaf, so she can’t hear-a what I say-a. And thir'd-a, she’s-a
gotta have-a the biggest tits-a in Italy!”
A new priest, Father Fumble, is moved to a parish in a bad neighborhood of
NewYork and is bewildered by the many women who are constantly
approaching him to whisper, “Five bucks for a blowjob, buddy.”

Not wanting to remain ignorant any longer, he approaches a local nun. "Excuse
my ignorance, sister," says the young Fumble, "but could you please tell me what
a blowjob is?” The nun snaps back, "Five bucks, just like anywhere else.”

Hymie Goldberg is down on his luck, so he goes to the local synagogue and
approaches the rabbi. "All I need is fifty dollars to get me out of debt," sobs
Hymie. "I keep praying to God but he does not answer my prayers.”

"Don't lose faith," says the rabbi. "You must keep praying.”

After Hymie leaves, the rabbi begins to feel sorry for him. "I don't make much
money,” he says to himself, "but that poor guy needs help. Perhaps I will give
him twenty-five dollars out of my own pocket.”

The next day the rabbi goes to Hymie's house and hands him an envelope with
twenty five dollars inside and says, "Here, Hymie, God has sent this for you.”

After saying good-bye to the rabbi, Hymie closes the door and looks inside the
envelope. He then looks up to heaven and says, "The next time you send money,
Lord, please send it directly to me. That bastard rabbi kept half of it!”

Pretty young Mable Mousebreath goes to see her local priest, Father Fornicate.
She is very upset. "I locked my husband out of the house last week for playing
around with other women,” she says, tearfully. "And now he wants me to take
him back. What should I do, Father?”

"You must take him' back, it is your Christian duty," replies Fornicate, patting
her hand.

"But," he adds as his grip tightens, "how would you like to get even with the
bastard first?”

Henry Ford dies, and before going to heaven is interviewed by God. “So, Mr.
Ford,” booms God, “tell me about your achievements on earth.”
“Well,” says Henry Ford, "my model-T Ford is one of the greatest achievements
of all time. Incidentally, what do you think about it?”

God smiles and says, "It is not a bad invention. But incidentally, What do you
think of MY greatest creation - woman?”

"Not bad," says Henry. "But if you ask me, the inlet valve is a bit too near the
exhaust.”

On his wedding night, the preacher returns to the bedroom from brushing his
teeth and finds his newlywed lying in bed stark naked, on her back, with her legs
spread invitingly.

"Praise the Lord!" cries the preacher. "I expected to find a good Christian girl
like you on her knees beside the bed.”

"Well, all right," blushes the bride, "but doing it that way always gives me
hiccups.”

Pope the Polack dies, but is allowed to return to earth briefly, to speak to the
cardinals.

"What is he like?" asks Cardinal Catsass, as they all gather around the old
Polack. "Is he very old, with a long, white beard, like in all the paintings? Tell us,
describe him.”

"Well," says the pope, "I hate to disappoint you, but to start with, she is black.”

Father Murphy is asking his congregation to donate money to help build a new
church. Suddenly, the town prostitute stands up and shouts, "Praise the Lord. I
repent. I will give two thousand dollars right now.”

“Well, as much as we need funds, I am afraid I cannot accept tainted money,"

says the priest. "Take it, Father," shouts a man from the back, "after all, it is our
money anyway!”

Jesus and Moses are playing golf. Jesus hits the ball, which almost falls in the
hole, when a rabbit jumps past and swallows the ball. As the rabbit runs off, an
eagle appears, catches the rabbit and flies away with it in the sky. A hunter
arrives and shoots the eagle, the rabbit falls out of the eagle's claws and as the
rabbit hits the ground, the ball shoots out of his mouth and in the hole.

"So, Moses," says Jesus, "now, what do you say?”

“Well, Jesus," says Moses grumpily, "I have actually wanted to ask you all day, do
you really want to play golf or do you just want to fuck around?”

I have heard the pope died, and went to heaven. Saint Peter asked him whom
among the saints he would like to meet. "Saint Mary, the mother of Jesus
Christ," said the pope. Saint Peter leads him into a palatial hall. There in a far
corner sits an old Jewish lady. The pope approaches her reverently, and sinks to
his knees.

"Oh, holy mother of God," he says, "all my life on earth I have been looking
forward to this blessed moment. There is one question I want to ask you: What
was it like to give birth to our Lord Jesus Christ?” The old lady wags her head
and smiles. "Well, actually we wanted a girl.”

The new minister stands at the church door, greeting parishioners as they
depart after the end of the service. The people are generous in complimenting
the clergyman on his sermon, except one fellow Who says to him, "Pretty dull
sermon, Reverend.”

A minute later, the same man appears again and says, "Pretty dull sermon,
Reverend.”

Once again the man appears, this time muttering, "You really did not say
anything at all, Reverend.”

When he gets the opportunity, the Reverend points out the man to one of his
deacons. "Ah," says the deacon, "don‘t let that guy bother you. He is a poor soul
who goes around repeating whatever he hears other people saying!”

Mother Teresa calls three girls, who are leaving the orphanage, to her office.
"Now," she begins, "you are all going out in the big, sinful world, and I must
warn you against certain men. There are men who will buy you drinks, take you
to a room, undress you, and do unspeakable things to you. Then they give you
two or three dollars, and you are sent away ruined.”

"Excuse me, Reverend Mother, " says the boldest girl. "Did you say these wicked
men will give us three dollars?”

"Yes, dear child," says the Mother Teresa. "Why do you ask?”

"Well," the girl says, "the priests only give us apples.”

Harry Manners and Reverend Philpot are playing a round of golf, and Harry is
not having a good game.

"Ah, shit, I missed!" says Harry, as he slices his first shot into the bushes. And
then missing an easy putt, he says, "Ah, shit, I missed again’!"

Harry keeps on playing bad shots, and keeps on saying, "Ah, shit, I missed!”

The Reverend puts up with this for half the round, but then he feels he owes it
to the dignity of his calling to say something.

"You really must not keep using such dreadful language, my dear Sir," says
Philpot, “or the Lord may well strike you down.”

And just as the words are out of his mouth, there comes a jagged flash of
lightning; and in a split second the Reverend is burned to a crisp. Above the
rolling thunder clouds, a deep voice is heard to say, "Ah, shit, I missed!”

A big revival meeting is being held in town. It is midwinter and all the motels
are filled with preachers.

Little Albert, whose father is the owner of one of the motels comes in from the
cold and finds the lounge crowded with preachers. Little Albert looks around
and announces, “Last night I dreamt I went to hell.” One of the preachers grins
at him and asks, "What was it like?”

“Just like here," says Albert, "1 almost froze.”

"You froze?" asks another preacher.

"Yes," replies little Albert, "the preachers were so thick around the fire, no one
else could get near it!”

Mendel Kravitz, the wealthy Jewish businessman, has a very bad case of
hemorrhoids. He goes to all the most famous doctors for a cure, but no one can
help him.

One day he is glancing at a religious magazine when he notices an article

explaining how Pope the Polack has a special holy cure for hemorrhoids. He
goes to see the pope, who for a fee of ten thousand dollars gives him a series of
massages, using special holy oil.

After the third session, Mendel asks the pope if he could buy some of the holy
oil to take back to New York so that his wife Rachael can complete the
treatment. Pope the Polack agrees, and the next day Mendel is sprawled on his
bed at home while Rachael massages his hemorrhoids. Mendel asks Rachael
exactly how she is giving the massage. "Well," says Rachael, "my left hand is on
your shoulder and with my right hand, I am massaging your ass.”

"That's funny," says Mendel, "when the pope did it, he put both of his hands on
my shoulders.”

Fred Ruddle, the famous brewer, has an audience with the Pope the Polack. He
shakes hands with the pope and says, "Your Holiness, I have a request. I would
like to make a small change in the Lord's Prayer.”

"Change? In the Lord's Prayer?" screams the pope. "But we have been saying
the Lord’s Prayer for two thousand years!”

"I know Your Holiness, but it is just a small change," replies Fred. "Well," says
the pope, "what sort of change do you have in mind?”

"What I would like to do," says Fred, "is to change ‘Give us this day our daily
bread' to ‘Give us this day our daily beer.’”

"I am sorry," says the pope, "but we can't do that.”

"You don't understand me," says Fred. "Your Holiness, I am a very wealthy
man.”
"But the Lord's Prayer is traditional,” blurts out the pope.

"Listen," says Fred , "I am talking about one million dollars, cash, delivered to
you personally!”

“I will have to pray about it," says the pope, "so come back in a couple of days.”

When Fred Ruddle has gone, the pope calls in his secretary. "Look, Giovanni,"
he says. "How long until our contract with the bakers union expires?”

Father Murphy is chosen to do some missionary work for the Catholic church,
and is sent to a remote part of the Arctic. After a few months, a bishop comes to
visit. "How do you like it here," asks the bishop, "among the ice and polar
bears?”

“Just fine," says Father Murphy. "The Eskimos are very friendly people.”

"And what about the weather?" asks the bishop. "Ah," says the priest, "as long
as I have my rosary and my whiskey, I don't care a bit about the weather.”

"I am glad to hear of it," says the bishop. "Speaking of whiskey, how about a
glass or two?”

"Great idea!" says Father Murphy, and shouts in the kitchen, "Rosary! Can you
bring us the whiskey?”

One day, Jesus wakes up in a bad mood. He is feeling depressed and lethargic.
In fact, a typical Monday-morning feeling. He wanders around heaven looking
for someone to cheer him up and finally arrives at the Pearly Gates where Saint
Peter is interviewing the new arrivals.

Suddenly he sees an old man with a long white beard whose face looks familiar.
He goes up to him. "Excuse me sir," says Jesus, "but your face seems familiar. I
am sure we have met. What did you do on earth?”

The old man smiles. "As a matter of fact," he says, "I am a carpenter and lived
a full and happy life until my son left home and became world famous. I never
saw him again.”
Jesus looks at him with astonishment and says with delight, “Dad!" The old man
opens his eyes wide and rushes forward with outstretched arms, crying,
“Pinocchio!"

Pope the Polack is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He

stops for a moment or two, scratches his forehead and turns to one of the
cardinals.

"Can you think of a four letter word for ‘woman'," he asks, "which ends in u-n-
t?”

"Aunt," replies the cardinal. "Ah, thanks," says the pope. "Do you have an
eraser?”

In the middle of his sermon Father Finger stops, sniffs the air, and then holding
his nose, calls young Father Fumble to the front. "Please go through the
church,“ says Finger, "and see if some stray dog stole in, stooled, and then stole
out again.”

Father Fumble immediately begins his inspection and after some minutes comes
back to make his report. “No. Father," he says, "I did not see where some stray
dog stole in, stooled, and stole out again. But I did see some very positive signs
that some creeping cat crept in the crypt, crapped, and crept out again.”

The priest and the rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight from New
York to Chicago, when the captain announces that there is some engine trouble.
Then he announces that they are going to fly through some rough weather.
Finally he suggests that anyone on board who feels religiously inclined should
say their last prayers.

The priest falls on his knees in the aisle and starts kissing his crucifix. And then
he notices that the rabbi is crossing himself. As it happens, the plane levels off
and things begin to look more hopeful. The priest turns to the rabbi.

"So," he says, looking smug, "when you truly fear death, you turn to Almighty
Jesus for help!”

"Not at all," says the rabbi, crossing himself again, "just the usual check:
spectacles, testicles, wallet and cigars.”
Pope the Polack goes into the optician's and says, "I need a new pair of glasses.”

"I knew that," replies the Optician, "as soon as you walked in through the
window. But sit down, I need to make a few tests. Cup your hand and put it over
your right eye.” The pope cups his left hand and places it on his forehead.

"No!" says the optician. "Cup your hand and cover your eye." This time the
pope cups his right hand and covers his forehead. In desperation, the optician
takes a large paper bag and places it over the pope's head. Then, he cuts out a
hole in the bag over his left eye. Before he can ask the pope to read the chart, he
sees his eye is full of tears. The optician immediately cuts a hole in the bag over
his right eye, and tears fall from both the pope's eyes.

"For God's sake!" shouts the Optician. "Why are you crying?”

"Ah!" sobs Pope the Polack, "I was really hoping for something more stylish.”

A celebrated judge and an almost equally celebrated bishop are engaged in a

friendly argument as to which of them has more power over their fellow men.

"After all old man," the bishop explains, "you can only say to a man, ‘You be
hanged.’ I can go very much further, I can say to a man, ‘You be damned.”

"Ah, yes," nods the judge. "But the difference is that when I say to a man, ‘You
be hanged,’ he is hanged.”

And that is a great difference! — because the bishop is just living in fictions. His heaven, his
hell, his God, are all fictitious. He has no evidence for them and he has not even the courage to
doubt their existence. He is just a coward.

The judge was right when he said, "When I say ‘You be banged,’ he is hanged.” It takes a
reality, an actuality and whatever you go on saying…“You be damned, you go to hell," that is
all just hot air, soap bubbles.

Rabbi Nussbaum has never gambled in his life, so one day he goes to the horse
races just for the experience. Before the first race he sees old Father Fornicate
making some strange signs over a horse and then watches the old priest put ten
dollars on the horse to win. And sure enough, the horse wins the race. So he
follows Father Fornicate and watches him make signs over another horse. This
time the rabbi runs off and puts fifty dollars on the horse and it wins at ten to
one. Again he follows the old priest and sees him make weird signs over another
horse, so he goes off and put all the five hundred dollars he had won on the
previous race on this horse. He runs up in the stand to watch the race, hoping to
make a fortune, but this time the horse he has backed falls at the first fence and
dies. Rabbi Nussbaum runs off and finds the old priest.

"Look here," says the rabbi, "what was the meaning of all that? The first two
horses you made signs over won, and then the third one died at the first fence
and I lost all my money. What is going on?”

"I am sorry, rabbi," says Father Fornicate, "but I can't help it if you don't know
the difference between a blessing and the last rites.”

I have heard about a strange ritual that happens every year in the Vatican. The pope comes out
in all his regalia, with the cardinals following, and the head rabbi from Rome comes with a big
scroll.

He hands over the scroll to the pope, the pope looks at the scroll, gives it back to the rabbi and
everybody wonders what is the matter. What is written on the scroll? Finally one young man
dared to ask, “It has been going on for two thousand years; now we should at least know the
content of the scroll. The whole ritual… and there seems to be no meaning.”

The scroll was opened for the first time, and it was found that it was the bill for the Last
Supper! - And the question is, who is going to pay it? Obviously, Jesus was a few - the rabbis
should pay it, but the rabbis had denied Jesus, they crucified him. They don’t accept him as one
of them; the pope should pay it. But the discussion is such that there is no way to decide. Jesus
is a Jew - of course his followers are Christians - and why should Christians pay for a jewish
party? So every year the bill comes, the bill goes back.

After many years, the ultra-orthodox, super-rich Jewish sect has built their giant
computer in Tel Aviv. It is light-years ahead of all other machines, and it has
been invented for the purpose of answering one question only.

So that fateful day, in fear and anticipation, the question is fed to the mechanical
brain, "Is there a God?”

The computer flashes, whirls and out comes the answer: "There is NOW.”
The local church minister has heard that the harmless little weekly parties he
has organized for his young members are really orgies. So he wangles himself
an invitation to see what is going on.

After a few harmless games and a little background music, things start to heat
up, and more and more people begin to undress. The minister retires to a
bedroom to pray furiously. He has not been there for very long when a smashing
girl walks in, stark naked.

"Do you want me?" asks the parson. "Not particularly," she replies. "But I drew
you in a raffle.”

God gets the word up in heaven that the United States of America is a pretty
depraved place. Not having time to spare himself, he sends Mother Teresa as his
delegate. Her instructions are to visit each of the cities, and to report back to
heaven on what she finds. The first report is not long in coming.

New York, Mother Teresa says, is filled with unimaginable sin and violence, and
she is leaving immediately. Boston is no better and is full of child molesters. The
cities of the South are everywhere full of heavy drinkers and sex offenders.

Mother Teresa's next stop is Chicago, but she can't stand the depravity there for
more than a few days, so she hops on a plane to Los Angeles… no word for
three weeks.

God finally gets concerned, so he gets her number from information and calls
her up.

"Hello," God says.

"Hello," comes a mellow voice, "this is Terry here. I am not home right now but
if you would like to share your thoughts… “

The young priest, Father Fever, arrives at his first parish. The old priest, Father
Fornicate, arranges to be in the back of the confessional, to see if the beginner
does it right.

The young Fever tries hard and asks afterwards, "I didn’t do too badly, did I,
Father?”
"Well," says the old priest, "not too badly for the first time. But next time we can
have a little less ‘Whew!… Wow!… Gee!’, and a lot more ‘tut, tut, tut!’”

A man who had lived an average sort of life dies, and goes to meet Saint Peter.
"Can I come into heaven?" he asks. "Heaven?" says Peter. "This is not it; heaven
is much higher up, and can only be reached by very long ladders. You take this
chalk and start climbing," he adds. "For each sin of adultery, fornication, lechery
or whatever, chalk off one rung.”

The man keeps on going for ages; his legs ache, his arms ache, and he meets no
one. All at once, he sees a little, fat, robed figure descending the neighboring
ladder.

"Excuse me," he says to the familiar-looking figure, "are you by any chance an
angel, going back for more candidates?”

"No, indeed,” replies the Polack, “I am the pope, going back for more chalk.”

The nuns in the convent are getting very restless. The Mother Superior calls
them together and demands to know what was the matter. Nobody speaks, until
finally a new novice says, "What this place needs is some healthy males!" The
Reverend Mother is shocked. "Well, she's right. It is only human nature,"
another nun says boldly.

"Very well then," says the Mother Superior, "I will issue you all with candles,
and you can comfort yourselves with them.”

"They are no good, we have tried them," cry several voices. "They were all right
when I was young," says the Mother Superior. "What is your objection?”

"Well, Reverend Mother,” replies Sister Suzy, “you get tired of the same thing,
wick in, and wick out.”

The scene is the crucifixion. Three huge crosses are outlined against the sky, as
the sun sets. A crowd of jeering soldiers and citizens surround the dying man,
Jesus. Raising his eyes, he looks to the back of the mob and sees Peter trying to
hide himself. "Peter, Peter," Jesus cries in a hoarse voice. "Come closer, come
closer!” Peter wraps his cloak around his head and pretends not to hear. Jesus
with his last strength calls out, "Peter, please… come closer.” Peter, realizing that
he cannot ignore his dying master, creeps to the foot of the cross, "Yes, Lord,
what do you want of me?”

“Peter,” croaks Jesus, “I can see your house from up here!”

A new flood is foretold, and nothing can be done to prevent it. In three days the
waters will wipe out the world.

The Dalai lama appears on television and pleads with everybody to become a
Buddhist. That way they will at least find salvation in paradise.

The Polack pope goes on television with a similar message. "It is still not too late
to accept Jesus," he says.

Osho takes a different approach: "Look guys, we have three days to learn how
to live under water.”

Most major cities have a dial-a-prayer number for anyone requiring religious
reassurance in the form of a brief, prerecorded sermon. Now there is talk of
establishing a similar number for atheists: when you dial it, no one answers.

Pope the Polack is sitting with his cardinals signing papers and proclamations.
The phone rings and his secretary, Cardinal Catsass, answers it.

"Your holiness," he says. "It is about the abortion bill. A reporter wants to talk to
you.”

"Don't bother me," says the pope. "But, your holiness,” says Catsass, “he wants
to know what you are going to do about the bill.”

“Just pay it," snaps the pope. "Pay it quick!”

A rabbi and a minister are sitting together on a plane.The stewardess comes up

to them and asks, "Would you care for a cocktail’?"

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Please bring me a Manhattan.”

“Fine, sir," said the stewardess. "And you Reverend?”

"Young lady," he says, "before I touch the demon drink, I would just as soon
commit adultery.”

"I've missed," says the rabbi. "As long as there is a choice, I will have what he's
having.”

Two Italians are watching a jet fly overhead. “Hey,” says one, “that’s-a the pope
up-a there.”

"How you know-a that?" asks the other. "That's-a easy" replies the first. "The
airplane-a, says TWA on it. That means Top Wop Aboard.”

Three women die and arrive at the Pearly Gates, where they are met by Saint
Peter.

"Did you avoid sex on the earth?" he asks the first lady.

"I absolutely avoided it," she replies.

"Very good," says Peter. "Here is a golden key, it will open the doors of
paradise.” Then he turns to the second woman and asks, "What about you?”

"Well," she replies, "about half and half.”

"Okay," says Peter. "Here is a Silver key, it will open the doors of purgatory.”

Then he asks the third woman, "What about you?”

"Me?" she replies. "I did all the things you can imagine and also many things
you can’t imagine!”

"Great!" says Peter. "Here is the key to my room, I'll be coming there in a
minute.”

An old black preacher has used the letters B.S., M.S. and Ph.D. after his name
for many years without ever having had anyone from his congregation ask what
they meant. Finally, a nosy old woman questions him about it.

"Well, sister, " he answers. "You know what B.S. stands for, don't you?”
"I sure do," says the lady indignantly. "Bull shit!”

"Right," says the preacher. "And M.S. just means more of the same, and Ph.D.
means piled high and deep.”

Young Fagin Finkelstein is dating a Catholic girl. "I'm sorry I could not see you
last night,” she says, "but I had to go to confession.”

"I hope you don't tell the old priest all about the things we do when your parents
are out," says Fagin. “Sure, I do," she says. "But don't worry. I just slip Father
Murphy ten bucks and he makes things okay for me.”

The next evening the young Fagin arrives at the Catholic church to see the
priest. "Aha," says Father Murphy. "I suppose you have come for confession, my
son.”

"Not at all, Father," says Fagin. "I have come for my commission.”

Hymie Goldberg sends his eldest son to India on a cultural exchange, but is very
upset when he comes back as a sannyasin. Not knowing what else to do, he
phones his old friend, Moishe Finkelstein, and tells him the sad news.

"Funny you should say that," exclaims Moishe. "MY son went to Poona and he
TOO came back a sannyasin." The two old friends decide to go to the rabbi for
help.

When they have told the rabbi their unhappy tale, the rabbi scratches his head
and replies, "Funny you should say that. MY son also went to Poona and HE
came back a sannyasin. We had better go to the synagogue and pray to God for
advice.”

So the three old Jews go down to the synagogue and pray fervently for guidance.

Suddenly there is a clap of thunder and a voice from above says, "Funny you
should say that, MY son also went to Poona and became a sannyasin: Swami
Jesus Christ.”

Flanagan is on his deathbed and Father Murphy has come to give him the last
rites.
"Open your eyes," says the priest. "We have got to save your immortal soul.”

Flanagan opens one eye, closes it and tries to doze off. He is having such a nice
snooze.

"Come on now!" says Father Murphy. "If you don't want to confess, at least
answer me this: do you renounce the devil and all his works?”

“Well, I don't know" says Flanagan, opening one eye again. "At a time like this
it doesn’t seem very smart to upset anyone.”

Pope the Polack is giving another of his speeches on celibacy and birth-control
to a lively crowd of Italian youngsters. He is trying hard to make his point. "You
must not use-a the pill!" he cries.“You must not use-a the condoms!”

A young, pretty signorina steps forward and shouts, "Look, Polack! You no play-
a da game, you no make-a da rules.”

The priest has been invited to preach at a mental hospital. During the sermon
he notices that one of the patients is paying very close attention, his eyes fixed
upon the priest's face, his body bent eagerly forward. Such interest is most
flattering.

After the service the priest notices that the man is speaking to one of the
attendants. So, as soon as possible, the priest asks him, "Did that man speak to
you about my sermon?”

"Yes," says the attendant.

"Would you mind telling me what he said?" asks the priest.

"Well," says the attendant reluctantly, "what the man said was: ‘Just think, he is
out, and I am in.”'

A Catholic is trying to convert a Jew.

He is really taking on a very difficult job. I am the only person who is deepyly conversant with
the Jews. Half my sannyasins are jews. It has never happened before and it will never happen
again! Jews are difficult people…
… A Catholic trying to convert a Jew tells him that if he becomes a Catholic his
prayers will certainly be answered, because the priest will give them to the
bishop, who will give them to the cardinal, who will give them to the pope, who
will shove them up into heaven through a hole in the Vatican roof, which just
matches a hole in the floor of heaven, where St. Peter will take them to the
Virgin Mary, who will speak on their behalf with Jesus, who will say a good
word for them to God.

The Jew repeats this whole story with an astonished air, ending with, "You know,
I guess it must be true, because I have always wondered what they do with all
the shit in heaven. They must throw it down through that little hole in the
Vatican roof, where the pope gives it to the cardinal, who gives it to the bishop,
who gives it to the priest, who gives it to you, and now YOU are trying to give it
to ME!”

When Billy Graham sang, "All I want is Jesus," five thousand people joined the
Protestant church.

When Pope the Polack sang, "Ave Maria," ten thousand people joined the
Catholic church.

When Frank Sinatra sang, "There's a gold mine in the sky," one hundred
thousand Jews joined the Air Force.

Paddy and Sean are sitting opposite the local whorehouse in Dublin, discussing
the virtues of the Catholic faith. Suddenly, Gideon Greenberg, the local rabbi,
approaches the door, looks left and right, then hurries up the stairs.

"Did you see that?" roars Paddy. "I'm glad I am a Catholic.” Ten minutes later,
the Anglican priest approaches the door, looks around quickly, then dashes up
the stairs. "Another hypocrite," laughs Paddy. "Thank God I am a Catholic.”

A few minutes later Sean nudges Paddy and says, "Hey, man, look! There is
Father O'Murphy coming this way.” The two men watch in stunned silence as
the Catholic priest disappears up the stairs in the whorehouse. Suddenly Paddy
jumps to his feet, crosses himself and shouts at Sean, "Where is your respect?
Stand up and take off your hat! There must be a death in the house!”

Newton Hooton rushes into the "Pig and Whistle" pub in a state of panic.
"Does anyone own a great big black cat with a white collar?" he says in a
nervous voice. There is no reply. "Well, does anyone KNOW of a large black
cat with a white collar?" asks Newton again, raising his' voice above the general
noise of the bar. But still' there is no answer.

"Oh, shit!" mutters Newton, "I think I've just run over the priest.”

Father O’Flanagan is addressing his weekly bible class.

"Boys," he says, "you should never lose your tempers.You should never swear, or
get excited or angry. I never do. Now to illustrate - you see that big fly on my
nose? A good many wicked men would get angry at that fly, but I don't. I never
lose my temper. I simply say, ‘Go away, fly, go away.’

And then suddenly he jumps and shrieks, “JESUS CHRIST! It's a bee, the son
of a bitch!”

Pope the Polack hears that a certain lady in Ireland has just produced her
thirteenth child, so he sends Cardinal Catsass to grant her his blessings. When
he meets the lady, Catsass is disgusted to learn that she is not a Catholic.

"Do you mean to say," he cries, "that I have come all this way to meet a sex-mad
Protestant?”

Little Ernie is getting very tired of the long sermon at the church. In a loud
whisper he asks his mother, "If we give him the money now, will he let us go
out?”

Jesus and Moses are out one Sunday afternoon for a round of golf. Moses drives
first and the ball goes straight down the fairway. Jesus gets ready and on his first
drive slices the ball into some tall grass.

"Holy Moses!" cries Jesus. But Moses, being a good fellow, offers Jesus the
chance to place his ball on the fairway with no penalty. But Jesus is stubborn
and turns down the offer. Moses then says, "Come on Jesus, you can't take a
shot in such tall grass.”
“If Arnold Palmer can do it" replies Jesus, "so can I." Jesus then takes a smash
and knocks the ball, ‘splash!’ into a pond. Then Moses hits his second shot
straight onto the green and returns to watch Jesus, who is rolling up his jeans.

“Jesus, please!" cries Moses, "I implore you to just place your ball on the fairway.
It will take a miracle to make such a shot!”

“If Arnold Palmer can do it," replies Jesus, "so can I," and he strides off across
the top of the water.

A gardener, who has been watching the scene, approaches Moses and says, “Just
who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”

"No such luck," replies Moses. "He thinks he is Arnold Palmer!”

The veteran preacher is instructing a class of new ministers on the importance

of facial expressions harmonizing with their sermons.

"When you speak of heaven," he says, "let your face light up, let it be bright
with a heavenly gleam, let your eyes shine with reflected glory. But when you
speak of hell - well, your ordinary face will do.”

Father Finger, traveling on a first class sleeper train, has a double compartment
all to himself. Having just finished his dinner in the dining car, he returns to his
compartment, but is shocked to find two scantily-dressed, sexy-looking girls
inside.

He immediately cries out, "You girls are in the wrong compartment. I'm a
respectable man, the pillar of my community, and there has never, ever been the
smallest whiff of scandal about me in my whole life.

“So,” Father Finger continues, pulling himself up to his full height, "ONE of
you girls will have to go!”

The Mother Superior of the convent wakes up in a happy mood, dresses and
sets off to visit her flock. "Good morning, Sister Augusta,” she beams. “God
bless you. Are you happy at your work?”
“Yes, Reverend Mother,” says the young sister, “but I am sorry to see you got
out of bed on the wrong side this morning.”
The Mother Superior ignores the remark, and passes on to another nun. "Good
morning, Sister Georgina," she says. “You look pleased with yourself.”

"I am, Reverend Mother,” replies Sister Georgina, “but it is a pity you got out
of bed on the wrong side today.”

The Mother Superior, greatly puzzled, moves on to a young novice.

"Tell me, little sister,” she asks, “do you also feel I got out of bed on the wrong
side?”

"I am afraid so," replies the girl. "But why?” cries the Mother Superior. “Am I
not as happy as a songbird, and pleasant to you all?”

"Yes, Mother,” replies the novice, “but you are wearing Father Vincenzo's
slippers.”

Pope the Polack is lying on his deathbed. His doctor calls the cardinals together
and announces, "We can only save his life with a heart transplant.”

"We must tell the people," says Cardinal Catsass, "perhaps a donor will
volunteer to give his heart for the old Polack.”

An announcement is made and thousands gather beneath the pope's balcony

shouting, "Take-a my heart, take-a my heart!" The cardinals now have to decide
on the person who will donate his heart to the holy father.

"I know,” says Cardinal Catsass, “we will drop a feather from his holiness'
rocket-shaped hat, and whosoever it lands upon will be the lucky person.”

As the feather floats down from the balcony, a great cry comes from the
multitudes below. "Take-a my heart - phew! Take-a my heart - phew!”

Three men die on the same day and go to heaven. One by one they are
interviewed by Saint Peter, who asks the first man how many times he has made
love.

"Never! I am a virgin," is the first guy's answer. Saint Peter gives him a
Mercedes Benz to get around in, and poses the same question to the second
man. "Only once," he says, "on my wedding night.”
Giving him the keys to a Toyota, Saint Peter turns and asks the third man how
often he has made love in his life.

"I have gotten laid so many times I have lost count," the fellow confesses. And
Saint Peter gives him a bicycle.

Not too much later, the first man is driving around in his Mercedes Benz when
he sees something so extraordinary that he turns his head to look. He crashes
headlong into a tree, and when he comes to, in Heaven Hospital, the angel
doctors and police are standing by his bedside, waiting to find out what caused
the accident.

"It was shocking, simply shocking!" whispers the poor man, "I saw Pope the
Polack on roller skates.”

Paddy, smelling of whiskey, cigars, and cheap perfume, staggers up the steps in
the bus, reels down the aisle, then plops himself down on a seat next to Father
Flanigan, the priest.

Paddy takes a long look at his offended seat partner and says, "Hey father, I
have got a question for you. What causes arthritis?”

The priest's reply is cold and curt, "Amoral living," he says, "too much liquor,
smoking and consorting with loose women.”

"Well, I'll be damned!" says Paddy.

They ride in silence for a moment. Father Flanigan begins to feel guilty, that he
has reacted so strongly to a man who obviously needs Christian compassion.

He turns to Paddy and says, "I am sorry, my son. I did not mean to be harsh.
How long have you suffered from this terrible affliction of arthritis?”

"My affliction?“ Paddy says. "I don't have arthritis. I was just reading in the
paper that the pope has it.”

The Italian priest is preaching about sex and morality to his congregation. "Sex
is-a dirty'", he shouts. "I wanna see only good-a girls today. I wanna every virgin
im-a Church to-a stand up.”
Not a soul moves. Then after a long pause a sexy looking woman holding an
infant in her arms gets to her feet.

"Virgins is-a what I want," screams the outraged priest.

"Hey father," says the woman, "you expect a two month old baby to stand by
herself ?”

When the Goldbergs move to Rome, little Herschel comes home from his school
in tears. He explains to his mother that the nuns are always asking these
Catholic questions and how is he supposed to know the answers?

Becky says, “Herschel, I'm going to embroider the answers on the inside of your
shirt, and you just look down and read them the next time those nuns pick on
you.”

"Thanks Mum," says Herschel, and he doesn't bat an eye-lid when Sister
Michele asks him who is the world’s most famous Virgin.

"Mary," he answers.

"Very good," says the nun. "And who was her husband?”

“Joseph," answers Herschel.

"I see you have been studying,” says Sister Michele.“Now, can you tell me the
name of their son?”

"Sure," says Herschel, "Calvin Klein.”

Father Fever is talking to his minister friend one morning, over a coffee.

"Someone stole my bike," complains the young priest.

“I know what you can do,” says the minister.

"Bring up the Ten Commandments in your sermon tomorrow, and as soon as

you mention, ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ look around in your congregation; you will
soon find the guilty party.”
The next day Father Fever visits the minister and happily reports that he has
found his bike.

“Did you bring up the Ten Commandments?” asks the minister.

"Yes", says Fever, " and when I came to ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’ I
remembered where I had left it.”

Stopping to pay a call on Paddy and Maureen, Father Finger discovers they are
having a party and offers to come back at a more convenient time.

"Don't go," says Paddy, "we are playing a game you might like. We blindfold the
women and then they try to guess the identity of the men by feeling their pricks.

"How dare you suggest such a thing to me!" roars Father Finger.

"You might as well play," says Paddy, "your name has come up three times
already.”

A young Irish girl is talking to the Reverend Mother about her ambitions in life.

"When I grow up," she says, "I want to be a prostitute.”

The Reverend Mother gasps and throws up her hands in horror.

"Did I hear you rightly? What was it you said you wanted to be?”

"A prostitute," replies the girl.

The Reverend Mother sighs with relief, "Oh, praise the Lord," she says. "I
thought you said a Protestant.”

It is Easter and a priest is getting cost estimates for the church flower
arrangements. A Catholic florist says, "Three hundred dollars.”

"Much too much," says the priest… but the florist is one of the flock.

A Protestant florist offers to do the arrangements for two hundred and fifty
dollars.
"Cheaper," thinks the priest, "but he is not one of the flock, and the difference is
not that great.”

While he is pondering, Solly Goldberg gives him a price of seventy-five dollars.

"That settles it," says the priest. Solly gets the contract.

On Easter morning, the flock files into a church filled with magnificent azaleas,
camellias, carnations and roses, and above the altar, spelled out in daffodils is
the Easter message.

"Christ has risen, but Goldberg's prices never vary!”

A man decides that he wants to become a monk. So he goes to the monastery

and is informed that before he can become a monk, he must pass two tests.

"First," says the head monk, "We will put you in a cell for six months.You will
have nothing to eat or drink but bread and water. And each entire day must be
spent reading THE BIBLE.

"Then," he continues, "should you pass the first test, you will be ready for the
second test. For this, we put you in a room and take off all your clothes. We then
tie a little bell to your male member and then we walk a nude nun through the
room. Should that little bell make any sound at all, I am afraid you will be
deemed unfit to join the monastery.”

So they put him in a cell with nothing but bread and water and he does nothing
but read THE BIBLE for six months. At the end of this time, he is once again
brought before the head monk.

"Are you ready for the second test?" asks the head monk.

“I am,” says the man. He is taken into a room and stripped down. They put the
little bell on him, then they walk a nude nun through the room. Right away his
bell starts ringing.

The monk says to him', "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you must leave.”

"Wait a minute," says the man. "Are you going to tell me that EVERY priest in
this monastery has passed this test?”
"Every one," says the chief monk.

"Before I will agree to leave," says the man in defiance, "I demand proof. I want
to see ten monks pass this test.”

"All right," says the head monk. They get ten monks in the room, undress them,
line them up, and put bells on them.

The nude nun then walks through and there is nothing but dead silence. Except
of course for the first man's bell, which is ringing like crazy. As a matter of fact,
it rings so hard that it falls off.

When the man bends over to pick it up, all the other ten bells ring.

Father Mulligan is listening to confessions in his church one day, when he gets
bored and wants to go to the golf course. He doesn’t want to walk out on all the
people waiting in line to confess their sins, so he asks his old friend, Rabbi
Nussbaum, to help.

He says, “Just sit in the booth and listen to their sins’s. It is very easy. They
cannot see you, so they will not know it is not me." And he then tells the rabbi
what the average usual sins are and how many Hail Marys and Our Fathers to
give as penance.

Father Mulligan leaves, and Rabbi Nussbaum is doing great until a young man
comes in and confesses to having blow jobs.The old rabbi is puzzled as he does
not know what penance to give, so he goes quietly out the back door and sees a
young altar boy lighting candles. \

He goes up to him and asks, "What does Father Mulligan usually give for blow
jobs?”

To which the altar boy replies, "About five to ten dollars.”

Gorgeous Gloria' is' having a hot affair with Doctor Bones when she finds
herself to be pregnant.

"Don't you worry," says Bones, "just have the baby and I will fix everything at
the hospital.”
So Gloria goes to the hospital to give birth to her baby.
A Catholic priest who went to the hospital to have a gall bladder operation is
very astonished to wake up from the operation with a newborn baby beside
him. With some reluctance he finally accepts Doctor Bones’ explanation that it
is his baby. In the end he takes the Child home and raises it as his child.

When he comes to die, the old priest calls the now grown-up Child to his
deathbed and says, "My Child, before I die I must tell you the truth. You have
always believed that I am your father; I am not. In fact I am your mother.”

“What?” screams the child. “You are my mother? Then who is my father?”

“Well,” says the priest, “Your father is the bishop.”

A nun dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says to her, "I'm sure you have led a
virtuous life, Sister, but before I can let you into heaven, you must answer one
question. The question is: What were Eve's first words to Adam?”

"Boy," says the nun, "that's a hard one.”

"That's right!" says St. Peter.

As Adam wandered about the Garden of Eden he noticed two birds up in the
tree. They were snuggled up together, billing and cooing.
Adam called to the Lord, "What are the two birds doing in the trees?”
The Lord said, "They are making love, Adam.”
A little while later he wandered in the fields and saw a bull and cow going at it.
He called to the Lord, "Lord, what is going on with that bull and cow?”
And the Lord said, "They are making love,Adam.”
And Adam said, "How come I don’t have anyone to make love with?”
So the Lord said, "We will change that. When you awake tomorrow morning
things will be different.”
So Adam lay down beneath the olive tree and fell asleep. When he awoke, there
was Eve next to him.
Adam jumped up, grabbed her hand, and said, "Come with me. Let's go into
the bushes.”
And so they went…
But a few moments later Adam stumbled out, looking very dejected, and called
to the Lord, "Lord, what is a headache?”
I have heard about a young man whose father was a member of a Christian Science group. In
England there has been a very influential group and in America also: Christian Science.

The young man was asked, "What is the problem, your father has not been seen for three
weeks?” They were meeting every Sunday.

The young man said, “It is difficult; he is very sick.”

The old man said, “Nonsense, sickness is only a belief, imagination! And he is an old member
of our group. We don't believe in sickness, just remind him, ‘You are not sick!”

He said, “I will remind him.”

After two weeks they met again. The old man said, "What happened, he has not come?”

The young man said, "What can I do? Now he believes he is dead.”

It is that fateful night in old Jerusalem town. Upstairs at the downtown

MacDonald's burger house, Jesus is host at his famous farewell dinner party.
Ronald MacDonald, the clown, is running around giving everyone party hats
and whistles, trying to get the serious saints to laugh.

But Jesus has been looking moody all night when suddenly, he puts down his
wineglass and shouts across the smoke-filled room, "Peter!" he cries, pointing his
finger. “Peter! Tonight, you are going to betray me!”

“Ah no, Lord!" calls back Peter, turning pale, "I would never betray you!”

"Okay, Peter," says Jesus, "I was just checking up on you. Come over here and
eat some bread and drink some wine with me." So they eat bread and drink
some wine.

And then, Jesus says, "Okay, Peter, you can go.”

Then Jesus looks around the room again, and calls John, his beloved disciple.

“John!" shouts Jesus. “John! Tonight you are going to betray me!”

"Ah no, Lord!" replies John, falling off his seat in shock. "I would never betray
you. It is just not possible!”
“Okay, John,” replies Jesus. "Don't get excited! I was just checking. Come over
here and drink wine and eat some bread with me!”

As the evening progresses, one by one, Jesus calls his apostles to him, eating
some bread and drinking wine with each of them. Finally, his wandering eye
rests on Judas, who has been sitting in the corner for the past hour, making out
with Mary Magdelena.

“Judas!" shouts Jesus. "Yes, Lord!" replies Judas, straightening his shirt.

“Judas!" cries Jesus. "Come here! I want you!”

"Yes, Lord," says Judas, jumping up and standing nervously in front of Jesus.

“Judas!" says Jesus. "Tonight, you are going to betray me!”

“Ah, JESUS CHRIST!" cries Judas. "Why do you always pick on ME when you
get drunk?”

It is a sunny afternoon in the rose garden of the Vatican in Rome. Pope the
Polack is deep in discussion with a smart-looking gentleman in a three-piece
suit, carrying a black briefcase.

"I am prepared to offer you one million dollars!" exclaims Herman Hoover, the
businessman.

"No way," says the papal fruitcake. "One BILLION dollars, and no less!”

"Okay," says Herman, "our last offer - five hundred million dollars!”

"No way!" cries the Polack, stomping his foot. "Six hundred million! One dollar
for every Catholic or the deal is off !”

"Holy shit! Let us forget the whole thing," shouts Herman. And the
businessman walks off in frustration.

Meanwhile, old Mario the gardener, pops his head over the rosebushes and calls
out to the pope.

"Hey-a,Your Holiness!" says Mario. "That-a guy wanted to give you so much-a
money.Why did-a you refuse?”
"You don't understand," says the Polack. "You don't know what that guy wanted
me to do.”

"So?" asks Mario. "What-a did he want?”

"Well," says the pope, "he wants us to change the end of the Lord's Prayer.”

"Really?" asks Mario. "But-a, at the end-a we always say-a, AMEN.”

"I know," snaps the Polack pope. "But this guy wants us all to say, COCA-
COLA!”

Young Father Feever finishes his training at the Bleeding Cross Jesuit Monastery,
and moves to New York as the priest of the Immaculate Conception and
Miraculous Resurrection Church.

Feever soon discovers that one member of the congregation, Lucy Legs, is a
prostitute, and decides to try and put her right.

Feever invites Lucy to the back of the church for an informal discussion. But
when the young priest arrives, he finds Lucy sitting naked on an old tombstone,
with her legs stretched wide apart.

"Ah, My God!" moans Feever, beginning to perspire. "I prayed for you last
night…!"

"You idiot! There is no need for that," snaps Lucy, "I am on the telephone. But
don’t worry! You can have me now — just fifty dollars!”

"No! No!" cries Feever, loosening his dog collar. "You misunderstand me. I
expected to find you on your knees. In fact, I think we should both start by
getting down on our knees right away! Okay?”

"If that is how you want it!" smiles Lucy. "But it is a hundred dollars for doggie-
style!”

In an effort to try and show the world that all Catholic cardinals are not
homosexuals, Pope the Polack throws a huge ball at the Vatican. All the priests
are given dancing lessons, and many glamorous women are invited to attend.
On the great night, the Vatican chapel, which has been converted for the event,
is soon full of dancing couples.

At one point in the evening, Gorgeous Gloria finds herself in the arms of
Cardinal Catsass, being swirled around the dance floor. Gorgeous Gloria is
dressed in a skin-tight, off-the-shoulder dress, which highlights her figure
perfectly, but many of the cardinals find the dress too revealing.

"Do you know," says Cardinal Catsass, "that I have always been a great admirer
of yours, and I have always wanted to be in the same joke as you?”

"Thank you," replies Gloria.

"Yes," says Catsass. "You are also very beautiful’!"

"That is very nice of you to say so," replies Gloria, wondering how she is going
to get away from the old idiot.

"But I ought to tell you something," says Catsass, frowning at her strapless dress,
"that I have just one thing against you.”

"I know," says Gloria'. "I can feel it!”

Two famous music lovers, Cardinal Catsass and Pope the Polack, are sipping
wine and having an intimate chat in the pope's private Vatican chambers.

"Did you know," says Catsass, confiding in the old papal fruitcake, "that I have a
very special musical friend?”

"Really?" says the pope. "Yes," continues Catsass. "I treat her just like a guitar - I
finger the top and play the bottom and get beautiful music!”

"Well," says Pope the Polack, "I must confess that I have a very special musical
friend, too.”

"Really?" exclaims Catsass.

"Yes," continues the Polack pope. "I treat mine more like a pop record. I place
her on the deck and we make beautiful music.And then three minutes later, I
turn her over! “
Things are looking bad for the members of the Catholic church. Their image is
being damaged by stories of sex and perversion within the ranks of the
priesthood. Their so-called celibacy is becoming a worldwide joke.

So Pope the Polack calls his press secretary, Bishop Benny Diction, and orders
him to create a cover-up campaign.

"Well, Your Holiness," says Benny, "I have already given this a lot of thought. I
am convinced that we need to change our style of dress. Right now, people look
at us and all they see is a bunch of dirty habits!”

"Yes," says the pope, "perhaps you are right. So What should we do?”

"Simple!" replies Benny Diction. "What I have in mind is a complete change of

image. We will cover the city with posters of a nun in a bikini!”

"What?" cries the Polack pope. "A nun in a bikini? How is that going to
promote celibacy in the world?”

"Well," explains Benny Diction, "the model for the photograph is going to be
Mother Teresa! “

Late one afternoon at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, Saint Peter is inspecting
twenty married women who have just arrived for judgment. “Now, girls," says
Saint Peter. "If any of you was ever unfaithful to your husband on earth, please
take one step forward! And remember, no lying, and no cheating! I have ways of
checking up on you!”

Immediately, nineteen of the wives move forward, but one woman remains
standing alone. Saint Peter nods quietly to himself and walks over to the
telephone. He dials up Hell.

"Hello! Satan!" exclaim's Saint Peter. "I am sending down twenty unfaithful
wives to you - but be careful. One of them is completely deaf !”

A new young priest, Father Fever, has just arrived at the "Holy Saints of Sack-
cloth” monastery. After a couple of weeks he is feeling so disturbed by sexual
fantasies that he goes to see the father superior, old Father Fornicate, aged
ninety-five. Father, "cries Fever,"1 am deeply troubled by impure thoughts, and
sexual temptations come crowding into my mind - things like doggie-style and
Sixty-nine, French ticklers and satin panties with pictures of Jesus on them! The
more I try to resist them, the more they crowd into my mind.”

"Hmm," says Father Fornicate, adjusting his robe. "So what would you like to
know?”

"Well," replies Father Fever, perspiring, "you are ninety-five years old and one of
the most ancient relics of the church - tell me, how old do you have to be before
you are released from the lusts of the flesh?”

"Hmm," says Father Fornicate, eyeing the young priest. "It takes many years of
self-torture and holy prayer before your mind is cleaned of all such wickedness.”

"Really?" asks the young priest. "How many years?”

"Well," replies old Fornicate with a sigh, "I can tell you that it is more than
ninety-five!”

It is four o'clock on that fateful day on Calvary Hill. Jesus has been nailed up to
the cross since lunchtime and is beginning to feel really hangdog.

All of his disciples have deserted him, except one. Alone and standing right
underneath the cross, in the hot baking sun, is Jesus’ unknown thirteenth
apostle, Reginald the homosexual.

Reginald looks up at the nearly-naked Jesus on the cross, and Whispers, “Jesus!
Ah! Jesus!” Jesus looks down and says, "What is it, Reggie?”

"My Lord!" replies Reginald looking up at him. "From where I am standing, I

have to say - you are really well hung!”

Young Father Fever is having problems again. So he goes for some fatherly
advice from his superior, Father Fornicate. "Tell me, my son," says Father
Fornicate, "are you still having trouble with those nasty fantasies? You know,
things like crotchless panties, French ticklers and hot buttered nuns?”

"No, no!" cries young Fever, "this time it is the big ‘M' — you know,
masturbation!”
"Ah! Masturbation!" replies Father Fornicate, crossing his legs and gritting his
teeth. “Yes! One of my favorite subjects! What do you want to know about it?”

"Well," replies Fever, perspiring, “Is it as bad as they say?”

"My boy," intones Fornicate, uncrossing his legs, "it used to be believed that
masturbation led to insanity and blindness. But that is no longer thought to be
true.”

"I am not worried about THAT, " says Father Fever, trembling. "I read in the
latest Vatican report that masturbation can be the cause of a serious reduction
in hearing - even deafness!” Father Fornicate leans forward and says, “WHAT?"

Old Father Fumble is invited to the local high school for its graduation
ceremonies. But he is shocked and scandalized by some of the latest fashion
outfits worn by the girls. "Look at that youngster!" cries Fumble to the person
next to him - "the one with the orange hair, the cigarette, and the purple pants.
Is it a boy or a girl?”

"A girl" snaps his companion. "And by the way, she is my daughter.”

"I am sorry, sir," says the flustered Fumble. "Do forgive me - I would never had
said anything had I known you were her father.”

"I'm not, you idiot!" says the other. "I am her mother!”

That old dried-up prune, MotherTeresa, invites that old rotten fruitcake, Pope
the Polack, to come and visit her Bleeding Hearts Home for the Dead and
Dying in Calcutta. The Polack is thrilled to receive the invitation, so he gets
Cardinal Catzass to pack their bags, and they fly off to India.

Their first day is spent touring Mother Teresa's Bleeding Hearts Home, blessing
all the half-dead Christian converts. The next morning, the two Catholic
cowboys from Rome go out in the streets of Calcutta, to wave at the crowds of
starving Hindus. But all day long, Pope the Polack has been acting very
strangely.

Cardinal Catzass is worried about the old Polack and asks him, "Your Holiness,
what is the matter?”
"Listen," says the old fruitcake, "as soon as we get back to that Bleeding Hearts
Home, the first thing I want to do is rip off Mother Teresa's knickers!”

"Really?" replies the shocked cardinal. "Why do you want to do that?”

"Because," says the pope with a groan, "they are much too tight for me!”

Amongst the early Christians, it was rumored that the Lord and Savior, Jesus
Christ, was blessed with enormous sexual machinery, which used to terrorize all
his followers, men and women alike. As the story goes: On that fateful day on
Calvary Hill, Jesus had been hanging on his cross for a couple of hours, staring
up at the sky, waiting for Godot. He looks down and sees his favorite girl, Mary
Magdalena, weeping in the crowd, and feels a stirring of the spirit in his loin
cloth.

"Mary! Mary! " Jesus calls out. "Come closer!” Hesitantly, Mary walks out of
the crowd towards the cross. She comes closer, but stops in her tracks when she
sees the huge growing lump in Christ's knickers. "Mary! Mary!" moans Jesus.
"Closer, come closer!” Mary shuffles forward nervously eyeing the ever-growing
mountain in his underpants - then she stops, again. "Mary! Mary!" gasps Jesus.
"I have something from the Holy Ghost to impart to you - come Closer!”

"Ah! Christ, No!" cries Mary, her eyes popping out. "Don't give me anymore of
that Holy Ghost shit! I can see your resurrection from here!”

Jimmy Bakker's "Praise the Lord!" TV church has not been making much
money ever since Jimmy got out of jail. He is sitting in his living room one day
when his wife, Tammy, comes home wearing an expensive new dress. "My
God!" shouts Bakker. "You know we are broke. You promised not to buy any
new clothes this month. What made you do it?”

"I'm sorry, sugar," replies Tammy, "but the devil tempted me.”

…It is the same Bakker; you know, who has been tempted by the devil to make love to his
secretary and to make love to his assistant priest. Now he is trying hard to get back, but it is
difficult. The whole country knows that this man has been deceiving for years, teaching celibacy
to the television onlookers. He had millions of people listening to him, one of America ’s most
prominent TV preachers. The wife said “I am sorry, sugar the devil tempted me" - just the
same as the devil tempted you!
"The devil?" shouts Jimmy. "So why didn't you say to him”, ‘Get thee behind
me, Satan' - like a good Christian woman?”

…That’s what Jesus used to do. The devil used to tempt him …It is strange, I
have been looking for the devil my whole life and I have not found him. I
wanted to tempt him. But Jesus was continuously tempted by the devil, and he
always said to the devil, “Get behind me!”

So Bakker told his wife, “Just like a good Christian, why did you not say to the
devil, ‘Get thee behind me, Satan’?”

"I did," replies Tammy, "but then he whispered to me, ‘Honey, it fits you
beautifully from behind’!"

Pope the Polack is trotting around the Vatican when Little Giovanni comes
racing up to him. "Hello, my son," says the Polack pope. "Can I help you?”

"Yes," says Giovanni. "What is the time?” Pope the Polack fumbles inside his
robes and after a long search brings out a clock tied to his crucifix. "It is exactly
five-thirty," says the pope. "Well," says Little Giovanni, turning around, "at six
o'clock, you go to hell!" And Giovanni races away.

Pissed off, Pope the Polack picks up his robes and chases after Giovanni as fast
as he can, dashing across Saint Peter's Square. Running full speed around the
corner, Pope the Polack crashes into Cardinal Catsass. “Holy Jesus'." shouts
Catsass. "Where are you going so fast?”

"That little boy," puffs the Polack, "I told him it was five-thirty, and he told me
at six o'clock I was going to hell!”

"Really?" says Catsass, looking at his watch. "But why so fast? You have still got
half an hour!”

Peanut Punghi is studying to be a Christian monk at the 50-80 Celibate

Seminary in Poona. But Punghi is not really bright, and is shocked when he
hears the story about how Jesus was nailed to the cross by the Jews. That
afternoon, all the new recruits are sent out into the Poona streets to practice
preaching. Punghi is walking down M.G. Road, looking for a good spot to do his
Bible-bashing, when suddenly he sees Irving Saperstein, a Jewish tourist,
haggling over the price of a big bunch of bananas. Enraged, Preacher Punghi
kicks over the banana cart and jumps on top of Irving, knocking him to the
ground. Then he beats on Irving until Irving finally shouts, "Stop! Stop! Why
are you beating me?”

"Because," replies Punghi, huffing and puffing, "you Jews killed Jesus on the
cross!”

"Hey!" says Irving, "it is not my fault! That happened two thousand years ago!”

"So what?" snaps Punghi. "I only just heard about it!”

Little Bungee Barfi finds himself being sent by his Catholic Indian parents to
the Holy Jesus Jesuit Seminary in Poona. Life is tough in the seminary for
Bungee and he has a lot of trouble adapting to life related to Christianity.
Everywhere there are crosses on the walls with Jesus hanging on them. There
are pictures of Jesus everywhere, on the walls, in the Windows, and in all the
books. Jesus is omnipresent, in all sorts of postures and poses. The monks who
run the seminary talk all the time of Jesus. One day, Little Bungee has a
problem. "Can you help me fix my bicycle, Father Feekal?” he asked one of the
old priests. "My son, Jesus loves you!" replies the priest, pointing at a picture of
Jesus riding a donkey. “Just trust in Jesus! Jesus will find a way!” The next day,
Little Bungee is sitting in the schoolroom during nature class, thinking about his
broken bicycle. Suddenly, Father Fellini asks Little Bungee a question. "Now tell
me, Bungee," says Father Fellini, "what is brown, has a long bushy tail, jumps
through the branches of trees and eats nuts?”

"Well," replies Bungee, "in the real world it is obviously a squirrel - but in this
place, things are so fucked up, it is bound to be Jesus!”

It is a dark and stormy day at the Vatican.The bells are tolling ominously, as
inside, on his deathbed, lies Pope the Polack, breathing his last. At the bedside
there is a crowd of bishops, cardinals, priests and other homosexuals, moaning
and chanting. Cardinal Catsass is crying his eyes out, as he is bent over the
pope’s face. "Ah! Don't be upset," gasps Pope the Polack.

"Don't cry. The Vatican council will surely find a great man to take my place. As
a matter of fact, I am sure he will do much better than me.”

"But," whimpers Catsass, "that is just What they promised us last time!”
Father Fungus has accumulated a huge gambling debt and needs some money
fast. He has a bright idea for solving his problem. He wires up all the church
seats with electricity. The next Sunday, Father Fungus is blasting out his sermon
when he stops and shouts, "All those who will give one hundred dollars towards
the church charity fund, stand up!” Fungus touches a button and twenty people
spring to their feet. "Good!" says Father Fungus. "Now, all those who want to
give five hundred dollars, stand up!” He touches another button and twenty
more jump to their feet. "Excellent!" says Fungus. "Now, all those who will give
a thousand dollars, stand up!” He throws the master switch, and fifteen visiting
Scotsmen are electrocuted to death!

It is that fateful day on Calvary Hill. Jesus is hanging on his wooden cross,
twenty feet off the ground, utterly exhausted. To his left side, hanging on
another cross, is thief Barnaby, cousin-brother of the famous murderer and
rapist, Barabbas. On the right side of Jesus, hanging in the air, is Fritz the Hun,
great-grandfather of the infamous Attila.

The sun is beating down, there are no clouds or God in sight, and Jesus
becomes more and more delirious. Suddenly, Jesus twitches on the cross, and
mumbles towards Barnaby, "My son, my son, come closer.” Barnaby looks up at
Jesus and wiggles around a bit, but finds himself stuck. Jesus lifts his head
weakly and looks at Fritz. "My son, my son," he gasps, “come closer!” Fritz is
completely spaced out, and does not move. "My sons! My sons!" cries Jesus in
frustration. "Come closer, come closer!” But all is still on Calvary Hill. "Okay,
then," sighs Jesus. "It is your own fault if you don't want to be in the
photograph!”

Rabbi Nussbaum and Rabbi Feldman go to the tailor shop owned by Marcus
Pinkus and request two black suits. Pinkus hands each rabbi a suit. "Are you
sure these are black and not midnight blue?" asks Rabbi Nussbaum, peering
closely at the material. "Absolutely black, fit for a rabbi!" replies Marcus Pinkus.

"Not a trace of blue.” So the two rabbis buy the suits and start to walk up the
street. "You know" says Rabbi Feldman, "I'm a bit worried that these suits from
Marcus Pinkus aren't REALLY black." Just then, two nuns approach. "Quick!"
says Nussbaum. "Open the package and compare the suit to the nuns' habit.
Nuns always wear pure black, so we'll know for sure!” Feldman takes out the
coat and, as the nuns walk by, he says, "Sister, could you tell me what time it is?”
As she looks at her watch, Feldman quickly places the coat next to her shoulder
to make the comparison. When the nuns reach the convent, the Mother
Superior asks if they have anything to report. "Yes," says one. "We met two men
who looked like Jews but who spoke Latin.”

"Latin'?" asks the Mother Superior. "Since when do Jews speak Latin?"

"Well," says the nun, "I clearly heard one of them exclaim, ‘Marcus Pinkus
Fucktus!”’

Cardinal Catzass meets Buster Chubbs, an old friend from his school days.
"Hello, Buster," says Catzass. "What are you doing these days?”

"I am a logician," replies Buster, shaking hands with the cardinal. "Really?"
replies Catzass. "What on earth is a logician?”

"Well," says Buster, "I am a kind of therapist. I help people by making things
clear.”

"Really?" says Catzass. "How does it work?”

"Well," replies Buster. "For example - you have a small aquarium in your room,
correct?”

"That is amazing!" says Catzass. "Yes I do, how did you know?”

"Never mind," says Buster, "and I deduce that because you have an aquarium,
you like fish.”

"Amazing!" cries Catzass. "Yes, I do like fish.You are very good.”

"Yes, and not only that," continues Buster, "but I deduce that since you like fish,
you probably have a fancy for mermaids.”

"Amazing!" cries Catzass. "As a matter of fact, I have had lurid fantasies about
mermaids all my life.”

"And," continues Buster, "because you like mermaids, I deduce that you also like
women!”

"My God!" exclaims the cardinal. "I see that you are really an expert. I have a
secret lust for women. You are a great therapist!”
Later that afternoon, Cardinal Catzass is in Pope the Polack's private chambers.
"Hey, pope," says Catzass, "I met an old friend of mine today who is a logician.”

"Really?" says the Polack. "What is a logician?”

"Well," says the cardinal, "he is a kind of therapist. And he makes things clear.”

"Really?" replies the pope. "Like what?”

“I will show you," says Catzass. "For example - you have an aquarium in your
room, don’t you?”

"No I don't," says the Polack pope.

"Well," deduces Cardinal Catzass, "then you must be a homosexual!”

Pope the Polack is shocked and horrified to learn that many of his Roman
Catholic priests are catching AIDS. So, in a hopeless attempt to try and preserve
Christianity, he issues an edict. The edict states that all his cardinals, bishops
and priests should become married immediately - to women. Everything goes
beautifully, and all sorts of strange and wonderful Catholic weddings take place.
Of course, the biggest of them all is Pope the Polack's own wedding to Sister
Suzie, at the Vatican, in Rome. The Vatican is packed with priests and
politicians getting ready for the big event. And in his Chambers, Pope the
Polack is getting dressed in his best pope outfit, aided by his best man, Ronald
Reagan. "Are you sure that you will be able to manage married life?" asks
Reagan. "It should be simple, Ronnie," replies the Polack pope, admiring
himself in the mirror. "Yes, but you have been celibate all your life, haven't
you?" says Reagan. "Are you sure that your machinery will work?”

"Ah! don't worry," replies the pope, confidently. "I tried it with my own hands
last night, and now," he adds, crossing himself, "it is in the hands of God!”

Jesus is hanging from the cross. Mary, his mother, sits a short distance away.
Suddenly Jesus begins to cry uncontrollably.

Seeing this, Mary has a pained look on her face.

"I am sorry to upset you, mum," Jesus sobs. "I just couldn’t help but think - what
a hell of a way to spend Easter!”
Adolf Hitler pushes the doorbell at the Pearly Gates of Heaven and demands to
be admitted. He kicks up such a fuss that Saint Peter calls Jesus to come and
deal with the situation. "I want to come in'," cries the Führer, "and I will reward
you highly if you let me stay.”

"What do you mean?" asks Jesus. "You cannot possibly come in. Just look at
what you did on earth!”

"Look," says Hitler, taking Jesus to one side, "If you let me in, I will personally
present you with Germany's highest award for bravery, the Iron Cross.”

"Really?" says Jesus. "That's a very tempting offer. Just let me make one phone
call.” So Jesus calls up God the Father. "Dad," says Jesus, "I've got Adolf Hitler
here at the Pearly Gates, and he wants to come in. What do you think?”

“Jesus Christ!" shouts God. "Are you kidding? The guy is a psychopath!”

"I know, Dad,“ says Jesus, "but you see, he has made me this terrific offer. He
wants to give me the Iron Cross!”

"The Iron Cross?" shouts God, in amazement. "You idiot! Look What
happened when you got that wooden one!”

Pope the Polack is setting out on his Catholic pilgrimage to America, when he
gets lost in the Rome International Airport. He wanders around the corridors,
pushing his luggage trolley, and somehow gets on a flight to London. Arriving at
London Airport in his long gown and rocket-shaped hat, the Polack pope walks
up to the immigration desk, where he is asked to fill out a form.The pope copies
all the details out of his Polish passport and then hands the form to the official.
"There is one section that needs completing," says the official, eyeing the
Polack’s strange clothing and pointing to the paragraph marked ‘sex’. "Oh, yes!"
says Pope the Polack. "That should read: Twice a day.”

"Really?" says the official. "But I don't want to know THAT, what I want to
know is: male or female?”

“Oh, I see what you mean," replies the Polack pope, with a wink. "I like both!”

Father Dingle goes to Jerusalem for a holiday to see all the holy relics. Out of
curiosity, he goes to visit the famous Jewish shrine, the Wailing Wall.
When he gets there, he watches in amazement as all the Jewish men pray
Wildly, waving their arms and with their whiskers whirling in the breeze.
Suddenly, he notices a man standing quite calmly, talking softly to the wall,
without any wild gestures at all…

...It is strange because jews cannot talk without waving their hands. Father
Dingle goes over to the man and introduces himself. ”Good afternoon! My
name is Father Dingle," says the priest, "and I couldn't help noticing that your
method of praying is different from everyone else around here.”

"Praying?" says Moishe, the old Jew. "Who is praying? I amTALKING to God!
I am asking for his advice.”

"Oh!" says Father Dingle, in surprise. "Well, I don't want to be nosy but what
kind of advice?”

"All types of advice," replies Moishe. "Like: Should I let my son go to Poona?
Should I let my daughter marry her no-good, American boyfriend? How to
persuade my wife Ruthie to be more adventurous in bed? - things like that.”

"I see," says Father Dingle. "And what does God tell you?”

"Ha!" says Moishe. "Tell me? I've been standing here for thirty years and he has
told me nothing! It is like talking to a brick wall!”

Sidney Silicon, the San Francisco yuppie, is jogging on a foggy morning along
the cliff-tops around the bay. He loses his way in the fog, gets too close to the
edge, trips, and falls over the cliff. He manages to grab hold of a small branch
which is sticking out halfway down, and there he hangs, suspended in space.
"Help!" screams Sidney. "Is anybody there?” There is a long silence. and then a
loud voice booms from above.

”Yes, my son, I am here. I am God! Just let go of the branch and my angels will
catch you and bring you to paradise.”

Some Seconds go by, and then Sidney shouts again, "Is there anybody there?”

"My son," booms the voice from above, "I told you, I am God and I am here!
Trust me!”

"I know that YOU are there,” says Sidney. "But isn't anybody ELSE there?”
During his world tour, the Polack pope arrives in America. When he comes out
of the plane, there is a big crowd standing on the runway waving flags, shouting,
"Elvis, Elvis!” The pope looks at them, full of holiness, kisses the ground and
says mildly, "My children, look: I am not Elvis, I am the pope.” He enters the
airport hall and notices a mass of people standing there, dancing, waving flags
and shouting at him': "Elvis, Elvis!” A little bit indignant, he blesses the people,
and very softly he says, "Oh no, my dear sheep, I am not Elvis, I am the pope.”

Later on, when he finally reaches his hotel, he can't believe his eyes: in the lobby,
hundreds of people are crowded, waving flags, yelling, "Elvis, Elvis!” A little bit
puzzled now, he puts his hands together, makes a cross, smiles as divinely as
possible and announces, "No, my beloved little lambs. No, I am not Elvis, I am
the pope.” Centered again, he goes upstairs to his suite, opens the door and
suddenly sees two beautiful naked women are lying in his bed, waving little flags,
shouting ecstatically at him, "Elvis, Elvis!” Immediately throwing off his clothes,
he jumps on the bed and starts singing, "You ain’t nothing but a hound-dog…”

Pope the Polack dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint
Peter, who asks the Polack if he has any questions before he comes in. "Yes,I
have," replies the pope. "I always knew that I would go to heaven, but I often
wondered what hell would be like.”

"Okay," says Saint Peter. "You can visit hell if you want. But you must return
after half an hour, or you will get stuck there.” So the Polack pope takes the
elevator down to hell and finds himself in the lobby of a luxury hotel. He looks
around and sees it is a beach resort, with beautiful men and women lazing
around in the sun.There is a well-stocked bar, where the drinks are free, and a
magnificent spread of multi-national food. A Brazilian band is playing a hot
Samba, and everything is just far out!

The Polack wanders around in rapture for a while and then notices that his half
an hour is nearly up. He makes a dash for the elevator and only just gets back in
time. The pope walks through the gates of heaven just as Saint Peter announces
that lunch is ready. So the Polack pope sits himself down at the table. After a
few moments they are joined by Jesus, who brings in a plate of peanut butter
sandwiches and a pot of herb tea.

"What is this?" cries the Polack, in dismay. "Down in hell, they eat pizza and ice
cream, and drink French Wine!”
"Well," replies Sam't Peter, "it's not worth putting on a fancy spread for just the
three of us!”

Pope the Polack is getting forgetful. One morning he is sitting on the toilet in
Cardinal Catsass’ place, reading the newspaper, when he looks at his watch and
notices the time. He is nearly late for one of his famous addresses to the people
from his balcony. He leaps up and runs toward his apartment, muttering a
prayer to himself as he goes. "Please, God, don't let me be late." And again,
"Please, God, don't let me be late," and yet again… when suddenly he trips and
falls flat on his face! Getting up hurriedly and straightening his robes, he shakes
his fist at the sky and shouts, “Jesus Christ, don't push!”

Pope the Polack decides that he wants his Holy Catholic Church to be the most
modern and up-to-date religion in the world, and be computerized.

"It is all quite simple," explains Father Fungus to Father Fumble a few weeks
later in the confession box. "All you have to do is type the confession onto this
screen, and you get a computerized print-out of the penance. Now, just watch
while I type in ‘stealing’. And look! Here is the penance: three Hail Marys and a
bill for fifteen dollars. Now, do you think you can manage?”

"Okay," says Father Fumble nervously, "I will give it a try." And he starts
practicing as Father Fungus leaves the church. Just then, Sally walks in the
confession box. "Oh, Father," says Sally, "I have sinned!”

"Really?" says Father Fumble. "Tell me all about it!”

"Well, Father," explain's Sally, "I took my boyfriend home with me.”

"Terrible!" exclaim's Father Fumble. And then he mutters as he programs his

computer, "Took boyfriend home.”

"Yes, Father," continues Sally, "but that is not all. He came into my bedroom.”

"Really?" says Father Fumble, typing furiously. "Boyfriend into bedroom.”

"Yes, Father," says Sally, "but that is not all. He took off my clothes.”

“Jesus Christ!" says Father Fumble checking the print-out. "But wait, Father!"
says Sally. "Then he took off his clothes and climbed on top of me.”
"My God!" says Father Fumble, as he types, "Boyfriend on top.”

"Yes, Father," says Sally. "And then he put the tip of his machinery in me.”

"Really?" says Father Fumble, perspiring and typing, "Tip of machinery in.”

Then he furiously checks the print-out, but it is blank; so he types it again. But
again, nothing comes out.

"Incorrect data!" snaps Father Fumble, in frustration. "This computer does not
work in fractions. You will have to go back and get your boyfriend to put it ALL
in!”

Father Finger goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madame, "I want to sleep
with Sleazy Sally.” The Madame goes over to talk with Sally and then returns
saying, "Okay, but she wants two hundred dollars.”

"But it was only fifty dollars yesterday!" protests Finger.

"Take it or leave it," shrugs the Madame. So the priest pays the money, and
follows Sleazy Sally upstairs. Afterwards, Father Finger is pulling up his pants
and asks the girl, "Well, how was I?” Sally replies, "You are absolutely the worst
screw I have ever had in my life. And I told you that yesterday! I can't
understand why you keep coming back!”

"Well," says the priest, "I just wanted a second opinion!”

Cardinal Catsass is caught stealing a frozen chicken from the Vatican

supermarket by trying to hide it under his robe. When Pope the Polack hears
about this, he is very angry. "Do you know," spouts the Polack pope, "that when
you are stealing a chicken from MY supermarket, you are breaking one of
God's commandments?”

"Yes," replies Catsass, with downcast eyes, "but I did not want the chicken for
myself. I wanted it for that new secretary you just hired.”

"What? My new secretary?" shouts the Polack, nearly hysterical. "You would
lose your immortal soul for one young secretary?" Pope the Polack throws his
arms up in the air and really freaks out. "FUCK the secretary!" he shouts.

"I did," replies the cardinal," but she wants a chicken too!”
Old Gronk, the hunchback, is about to retire. He has been ringing the huge bell
of Trinity Cathedral for forty years, and he is getting too old to make the long
climb up the bell tower steps. He advertises for a replacement in the newspaper,
and the next day another hunchback appears.

“I’ve come," says the young hunchback, "to take the job." Both hunchbacks
make the long climb up into the bell tower. "It is a tough job," gasps old Gronk,
puffing. "Watch this!” Then the old hunchback runs back, turns, and races
towards the bell rope. He leaps twenty feet in the air, catches hold of the rope,
and swinging wildly on it, rings the giant, thunderous bell - Clang! Clang!
Clang!

The young hunchback watches this and is eager to try. He backs up, sprints
towards the bell rope, leaps twenty feet in the air, misses the rope, and smashes
his face against the side of the bell, making a small ‘Ding’ sound. "Wait! Wait!"
says the young hunchback, dusting himself off. "Let me try again.”

He runs, leaps twenty feet in the air, misses the rope, and again smashes his face
into the bell - Ding! "Wait! One more try!" splutters the battered, young
hunchback. He runs all the way back into the corner of the bell tower, and with
full speed, lunges towards the bell rope. He jumps thirty feet in the air, misses
the rope, misses the bell, and sails out of the window, two hundred feet to the
street below.

Old Gronk looks down at the small crowd gathered around a tiny blotch on the
ground. "Hey, up there!" shouts a police constable. "Does anybody know who
this guy is?”

“No, I don't know who he is!" Gronk shouts back. "But his face rings a bell!”

Pope the Polack and Cardinal Rump are having a terrible argument in the
pope's private chambers. The noise and screaming is so bad that half of the
Vatican comes to put their ears to the door, to listen to what is going on.

“Just DROP DEAD!" screams Cardm’al Rump.

"Go to HELL!" cries the Polack, at full volume.

"KISS MY ASS!" shouts back the cardinal.

"Oh!" says the Pope with surprise. "So now you want to be friends!”
When a live sex show opens up in a small theater just outside the Vatican, Pope
the Polack is furious. He gets together Cardinal Catsass, and a flock of bishops,
and they go to watch the show to see if it would be harmful for good Catholics
to view it. Coming out of the theater an hour later, Pope the Polack and his
crew all agree that it is a terrible, filthy show, and completely unsuitable as
entertainment for Catholics. They are marching back to the Vatican, when
suddenly Pope the Polack stops in his tracks. "I have to go back!" he cries. "I
have forgotten my hat.”

"No you haven't," points out Cardinal Catsass, "it is hanging in your lap!”

Pope the Polack feels a little strange, so he walks into Doctor Snuffit’s office and
asks the doctor to give him a checkup. After a complete examination, Snuffit
tells the papal Polack that he is suffering from “HAGS."

"HAGS!" cries Pope the Polack, in alarm. "What is HAGS?”

"It is herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea and syphilis all combined," replies Snuffit.

"Holy Virgin Mary!" shrieks the pope. "Is there any cure for that?”

"I don‘t think so," replies Snuffit, "but I am going to put you on a special diet,
and put you in a special room for observation.”

"What kind of special diet?" asks the Polack pope, trembling. "Pancakes and
flatfish," replies Snuffit. "That's a bit weird," says the Polack patient. "Why
pancakes and flatfish?”

"Well," explains Snuffit, "they are the only things we can fit under the door!”

Father Fumble is giving confession one day, when Seamus comes in and tells
him that he has been having an affair”.

"I see," says Fumble, "but I cannot bless you until you tell me the woman's
name.”

"Okay, Father," replies Seamus. "She's the most gorgeous blonde you have ever
seen, and her name is Pussy Green.” The next Sunday, Father Fumble is getting
ready for mass when a stunning blonde in a tiny skirt wiggles down the aisle to
the front seats. Father Fumble fumbles for his glasses, slips them on, and takes a
good look at her. "Is that Pussy Green?" he whispers to little Albert, the choir
boy. Albert looks hard this way and that. "No, Father," he replies, "I think it is
just the reflection from the stained-glass windows.”

Pussy Green comes to Father Fumble for her confession. "Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned," mumbles Pussy. "How have you sinned?" asks Father Fumble.
"Well," continues Pussy, softly, "I have sinned with my boyfriend.”

Fumble presses his ear against the partition and says, "Speak up, my child.
SPEAK LOUDER!” Pussy clears her throat and carries on. "Last night," she
says, "my boyfriend and I went to the pub, and afterwards I brought him
home.”

"Carry on, my child. Carry on," urges Fumble, beginning to perspire. "We sat
on the sofa," says Pussy, "and he unbuttoned my blouse.”

"And then?" says the priest, wiping the sweat from his hands. "Then he
unhooked my bra," continues Pussy, "and fondled my breasts.”

"And then? And then?" gasps Fumble, removing his steamed-up spectacles.
"Then he lifted up my skirt”, "says Pussy, "and pulled down my panties.”

"Then What? THEN WHAT?" cries the priest, digging his fingernails in the
wooden partition. "Then he pulled out his prick," says Pussy, "and climbed on
top of me.”

"And then?" sobs Fumble, "AND THEN?”

"And then," says Pussy, "my mother walked in.”

"Ah!" screams the priest. “Shit!"

Pope the Polack arrives at New Delhi airport, on the first leg of his ten-million
dollar Catholic mission to the East. The Polack steps off the plane and
immediately falls to his knees weeping, and then kisses the runway. Cardinal
Singh, the head of the Indian Catholic church, rushes up to the Polack pope
and helps him to his feet. "My goodness, Holy Father!" cries the cardinal. "Why
did you do that?”

"Well," says the Polack, wiping his lips, and drying his eyes, "have you ever flown
Air India?”
Pope the Polack is giving High Mass in Saint Peter's Cathedral in Rome. The
mass is coming to an end, and the Polack pope is leading the procession out into
Saint Peter's Square to bless the crowd. Suddenly, as the cathedral clock strikes
three, the big hand falls off the clock, sails through the air, and lands on the
pope's head with a resounding crack! Pope the Polack falls senseless to the
ground, and is rushed to the hospital suffering from concussion. The next
morning, throughout the world anxious Catholics wait to buy their morning
newspapers to find out the latest news. The Vatican Morning News is first off
the press, and carries the banner headline: POPE’S HEAD X—RAYED:
REVEALS NOTHING!

Chester Cheese is walking through the forest one day, with his teenage kid,
Charlie. They are enjoying the stroll very much, when suddenly Charlie sees a
pair of black satin panties lying on the path.

"Hey, Dad,“ exclaims Charlie. "Look! A young girl's panties!”

"Well, son," says Chester, in a fatherly voice. "I'd say those probably belong to
an older woman, not a young girl.”

"Come on, Dad, " replies Charlie. "For sure these are a young girl's panties!”

"I don't think so, Charlie," says Chester, stiffly. Just then Father Finger walks up.
"Excuse me, gentlemen," he says. "But I couldn't help overhearing your
discussion. Perhaps I can settle the matter for you.” Then Father Finger raises
his eyebrows, takes the panties, examines them closely, this way and that way.
"Well," says Father Finger, popping the panties into his pocket, "I don't know
which of you is right, but I do know one thing. She is not a member of my
church!”

It is that fateful day, when Jesus has been nailed to the cross. He has been up
there for about five hours, when he looks down with surprise. "No! No!" he
shouts. "Get away, get away!” But it does no good. Then he starts really freaking
out. He screams again, "GO AWAY!” But it does not work. The cross starts
shaking and leaning, and, as it falls over, Jesus cries, "Fucking beavers!”

Friar Fruck, the Jesuit missionary, is in Africa looking for a few Christian
converts. He is marching across the plains with his crucifix and Holy Bible in
hand, when suddenly he comes face to face with a huge, ferocious lion. Friar
Fruck's eyes roll to the back of his head, and he drops to his knees in a near-
faint. "Beloved God Almighty, King of Kings, all-knowing, all-seeing Father of
the world," pleads Friar Fruck, praying feverishly, "save my blessed ass!”

The lion watches the Christian closely, and then he bows his own head, crosses
his paws, and murmurs in a soft growl, "Beloved God Almighty, King of beasts
and Lord of the jungle, please bless this poor food I am about to eat!”

Jesus and Peter are sipping their iced tea while sunbathing on the shore of Lake
Galilee. A group of children nearby start throwing rocks in the water. They
laugh and shout and kick up the sand. His peace completely destroyed, Peter sits
up. "Hey! You kids!" he barks at them. "You get outta here!”

But Jesus pushes up his Ray-Ban sunglasses, wipes the sand off his face, and
says, “No, Peter. Let the children come unto me.” Five minutes later, the noise is
deafening as screaming kids, splashing water, and flying sand fill the air. Peter,
hung over from last night's wine, gets totally pissed off.

"I said, you kids just get the hell outta here!" he screams. But again Jesus sits up,
wipes the sand off himself, raises his hand and says, “Peter, I told you: let the
children come unto me - so that I can kick their little asses!”

Father Fumble, the newly ordained priest, goes for some practical Catholic
experience with his teacher, Father Fungus. The two priests sit together inside
the confessional box of the Sacred Virgin’s Chapel, and listen to all the crimes
against God Almighty.

"I have fornicated with two strange men this week," confesses Katie. "Please
forgive me, Father.”

"You are forgiven, my child," says Father Fungus. “Just put forty dollars in the
money box and say ten Hail Marys.”

"I have been adulterous with my neighbor," pleads Polly, the next sinner. "You
are forgiven, my daughter," says Father Fungus. "Twenty dollars in the box and
ten Ave Marias.”

"So," says Fungus to Father Fumble. "Do you get it? All the rates are written in'
this little book, and if you have any problems, I’ll be upstairs.” Father Fumble
sits alone in the confessional, and in comes the next customer.
"Father," confesses Betty, "1 have just given my boyfriend Boris a blowjob.”

"Blowjob?" says Father Fumble, thumbing through his book. "Blowjob?" Then
he shouts upstairs, "Hey, Father Fungus! What do I do for a blowjob?”

"Tell her to put ten dollars in the box," calls back Father Fungus, "and send her
up here!”

Sixteen-year-old Sally tiptoes in the confession box in the Holy Martyred

Virgin’s Church, where Father Fumble is sitting. "Father," whispers Sally, "I have
sinned!”

"Tell me all about it!" replies the young priest. "Well, Father," continues Sally,
"my boyfriend Willy came home with me the other day, and I took him to my
room.”

"Really?" says Father Fumble. "And what happened in there?”

"Well, Father," continues Sally, "Willy pushed me back onto the bed and started
taking my clothes off.”

"Really?" says Father Fumble. "And what happened next?”

"Then Willy took off his clothes and jumped on top of me!" sobs Sally. "Ahem!"
coughs Fumble, clearing his throat. "And tell me, my child, did you feel his
organ coming between your legs?”

"I'm not a musician," replies Sally, thoughtfully, "but I would say it felt more like
a flute!”

Pope the Polack is invited to the White House to give a special speech on the
role of the Vatican in saving the world. As he is speaking to a group of people
on the lawn, he coughs, and his false teeth fall out onto the ground and break.
Seeing the situation, a nearby guest digs into his pocket and pulls out a set of
dentures. Embarrassed, the pope fumbles around with them, but because they
are too big, he cannot get the teeth into his mouth.

Then the guest reaches into another pocket and offers another set of false teeth.
But this time they are too small. The guest pulls out a third set from his back
pocket, and the toothless Polack shoves them into his mouth. These teeth fit.
Nervous, but happy, Pope the Polack turns to the guest and says, "Wow! That is
great. Are you a dentist?”

"Nope," replies the guest, with a wink, "I am an undertaker!”

Pope the Polack finds that his Catholic Christian empire is crumbling. He orders
all the Vatican researchers to try and find a solution to this impending disaster.
One day, Cardinal Catzass comes charging in the papal office. "I've got it! I've
got it!" screams Catzass. "In one of the old manuscripts, it says that God has left
his final message on a tiny planet at the edge of the universe, called Hysteria.”
Desperate, Pope the Polack empties out the safe of Banco Vaticano, and gives
the money to the Russians to build him a rocket to take him to Hysteria. After
weeks of training, Pope the Polack, Cardinal Catzass, and a chimpanzee pilot,
blast off from earth and hurtle through space towards the distant planet. Light
years later, they land at a tiny spaceport in the middle of the Hysteria desert,
and the Polack pope does his thing kissing the dirt. On a signpost is written the
words: “God's last message — forty miles.” In full regalia, with his shepherd's
staff, rocket-shaped hat, and space suit, Pope the Polack sets off, trudging
through the desert. Cardinal Catzass waves the incense-burner as they go. Ten
hours and twenty miles later, both the Polack pope and Cardinal Catzass are on
their hands and knees, gasping for water. The next morning sees the pair of
Polacks pulling themselves slowly through the sand. That night, they reach the
top of a small rise and look at the hills in the distance. There, in flashing neon
fights, the whole hillside is lit up with God's final message to the universe. It
reads: "We apologize for any inconvenience.”

Pope the Polack goes for a summer retreat into the mountains of Italy. He lives
in a little stone cottage, and the only companions he has are a flock of sheep.
After a few days without any company, the Polack pope becomes crazy for sex,
and he chooses one of the horned sheep as a partner. He takes off his gown and
puts his machinery into the sheep. But while he is in action with the poor
animal, it suddenly starts to run.

Pope the Polack, with his underwear down around his ankles, is unable to do
anything but hold on to the sheep's horns. They race down the mountainside
together, past a field where Grandma Pickle is picking daisies.

Grandma is a little short-sighted, but looks up in amazement as the sheep and

the Polack pope go racing past. "My god!" she mutters to herself. "No money to
buy pants, but he is driving a white motorbike!”
Late one night, Satan the devil and his partner, Lucifer the monkey, knock on
the door of Pope the Polack's Vatican apartment. The Polack pope comes to the
door with an arm around his best friend, Simon the sheep. "Good evening, your
phoniness," says the devil, grinning cheekily and fondling his forked tail. "My
friend and I were wondering, do you have any midget nuns in your apartment?”

"Certainly not!" snaps back the pope, trying to slam the door. "Well then, Holy
Father," chuckles the devil, licking the flames off his lips and jamming his
pitchfork in the doorway, "do you have any midget nuns living in the Vatican?”

"I don't know of any," cries the frightened Pope the Polack. "Perhaps," giggles
Lucifer, the monkey, swinging from Satan's pitchfork, "you know of any midget
nuns living anywhere?”

"I cannot say," shouts Pope the Polack, infuriated, "that I know of any midget
nuns anywhere at all!" And he grabs Simon the sheep's crucifix, and waves it
wildly under the devil’s nose. The devil picks up the monkey by the shoulders,
lifts him in the air, and shakes him hard. "You see, you idiot!" shouts Satan. "I
told you, you fucked a penguin!"

Three women arrive at the Pearly Gates. Betty and Margaret are English girls,
and Lolita is Italian. Saint Peter looks the women over very carefully.

Then he turns to Betty and says, "Have you been a pure and honest woman?”

"My good man," replies Betty, "I am English. I have been honest and clean my
whole life.”

"Okay, okay," says Peter, checking his list. "Follow that angel to the pink room.”

Then Peter turns to Margaret. "And have you been a pure, forthright woman?”

"Oh Peter," replies Margaret, "I have been as pure as the driven snow.”

"Okay," says Peter, checking his list, "follow that angel to the pink room.” Then
he turns to Lolita. "And have you been honest and pure?”

"I never did-a no harm to anyone," replies Lolita. "I could-a say I was honest. I
loved love. And I was-a pure. I loved loving purely for love, and only for love.”

"Okay," says Peter, dropping his list, "follow me to my room!”

There is a special event happening in the streets of Jerusalem, and there is great
excitement throughout the city. Pontius and Mrs. Pilate are standing on the
balcony of the palace, waving to the crowds below. They are watching as Jesus
and the procession following him slowly make their way through the streets
towards Crucifix Hill”. Suddenly, Jesus stumbles and he and his cross crash to
the ground. The procession grinds to a standstill. Slowly, Jesus gets back on his
feet, picks up the cross, and carries on. "Pontius, did you see that?" remarks Mrs.
Pilate, out of the corner of her mouth, as she continues waving with a smile
plastered on her face. "Yes, dear," replies Pontius, "I'm afraid he did it again.”

“Well, I really don‘t care who he is," remarks Mrs. Pilate. "If he drops his cross
one more time, he is out of the parade!”

Pope the Polack is getting very lonely because nobody wants to talk to him
anymore, so he decides to buy himself a pet parrot. He goes into a pet shop and
sees a parrot he likes very much. "How much?" asks the Polack. "One thousand
dollars," replies the shopkeeper. "Holy cow!" cries the pope. "Is he really worth
that much?”

"He sure is," says the man. "You can ask the parrot himself.” So Pope the Polack
asks the parrot and the parrot replies, "There is no doubt about it.” The pope is
thrilled and immediately purchases the parrot. He's very excited and runs home
to the Vatican to show off his new pet.

He calls everybody together and then says proudly, "This is a truly remarkable
parrot.”

"There is no doubt about it," says the bird. "Quite so," says the pope. "And
what is your name?” But the parrot remains silent. "Holy shit," says the pope.
"Don't you know your name?” The parrot just looks at him. "Can't you say
anything?" cries the frustrated Polack. But the parrot just looks bored. The pope
is furious and shouts, "I must have been an idiot to buy you!” The parrot says,
"There is no doubt about it!”

Father Finger, the priest, is reputed to have an enormous prick. It is so large,

that he has great difficulty in getting any of the local women to sleep with him.

"Sorry, Father," is the reply he always hears. "I wish I could, but your member is
just too big for me!” Feeling desperate, Father Finger goes to Mother O'Mary's
whorehouse on the other side of town where he is not recognized. He quickly
chooses a girl and she takes him to a room upstairs. Closing the door behind
him, Father Finger tells the girl that he is very shy, and would like to undress
with the lights off. "It is okay with me," agrees the girl, and the two of them
undress in the dark. When Father Finger gets into bed, he immediately climbs
on top of the girl in the missionary position. "Do you know Father," says the
girl, "I'm really glad that this is what you came here for. When I saw you coming
in, I was sure you were going to talk to me all about… JEEZUS CHRIST! “

There is an explosion at a Polack salami factory, and one of the salamis gets
blown right to heaven. It lands at Saint Peter's feet. "What a funny-looking
thing," says Saint Peter, picking it up. And he goes to show it to Jesus. "Did you
ever see such a thing?" Saint Peter asks Jesus. "No," replies Jesus. "I‘ve never
seen one before.” So, Saint Peter takes it to show to Mary. "Mary," he asks, "did
you ever see something like this?”

"Oh!" exclaims Mary. "You know, if it didn't have that funny smell, I would
swear it was the Holy Ghost!”

It is supper time for Jesus, his cousin Irving, and the twelve apostles. They are
dining at the deluxe Pork and Pie restaurant, and everyone is having a gay time.
Vintage Arab wines are flowing like water. The fellows are stuffing themselves as
the waiters bring course after course of exotic dishes. The party is reaching a
crescendo as the orchestra strikes up a hot number, and three dancing girls
come in carrying a huge, two-hundred-pound stuffed pig. At this point Peter
raises his cup of wine and shouts, "A toast to Lord Jesus!”

"Yes, yes!" yells Thomas, jumping up, "a toast to Lord Jesus!” Everyone raises
their cups and shouts in unison, "To the Lord Jesus!" - and they all drink.
Curious, cousin Irving turns to Jesus and says, "How do you inspire such
faithfulness in your men?”

"It is fucking simple," replies Jesus, pulling out his credit card. "It is either that,
or every Jew for himself !”

The third world war is just starting, and after two thousand years Jesus Christ
arrives, unannounced, in NewYork. He has come to give a speech to the United
Nations Assembly. It is late and he is tired after his journey. He looks around for
a hotel, but finds that none of them has a room. Finally, in a little back street,
Jesus sees a sign which reads, "The Camel and Cow Inn - Vacancy.” He ties his
donkey to a lamppost, goes inside, and walks up to the receptionist. Putting his
hand in his pocket, Jesus pulls out some old, rusty nails and throws them on the
desk. "Excuse me,” he asks, "can you put me up for the night?”

Pope the Polack is on a pilgrimage in Calcutta where he makes an official visit to

Mother Teresa's orphanage. MotherTeresa is showing him around, and the
Polack is bending and kissing everything in sight. Suddenly, as he bends over to
kiss Mother Teresa's pride and joy, the new church organ, the pope recoils in
terror. There, stretched out across the top of the organ, is a big black condom.
Purple with rage, Pope the Polack demands an explanation from Mother
Teresa. "Well," says Mother Teresa, "one of my orphans found it in a package
on the street, and when I read the label it said: ‘Place on organ and feel
secure.’”

Bruno Meatball, a truck driver, is trying to change a flat tire by the side of the
road. He is hammering away with all his might, cursing and swearing with each
unsuccessful blow. The village priest is passing by and decides to help him. He
sits down by Bruno's side and says to him, “I will pray to God; all miracles are
possible.” He then gives Bruno a little lecture about offering a prayer instead of
curses when confronted with trouble. Finally "The Meatball" says that he is
willing to try anything, just to get the tire off the wheel. So they both kneel
beside the truck and pray. When Bruno goes back to work he gives the tire one
blow, and it almost jumps off by itself. The priest looks on in amazement, and
cries, "Well, I'll be fucked!”

The new priest, Father Finger, is so nervous at his first Mass that he can hardly
speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asks the more experienced
Father Fungus how he can relax. "It is easy, " says Fungus. "Next time, just pour
a little vodka into your water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go
smoothly.” The following Sunday, Father Finger pours a whole bottle of vodka
into his water pitcher, and proceeds to drink and preach up a storm. He feels
great. However, returning to his room, he finds a note from Father Fungus:

One: Next time sip, don't gulp.

Two: There are ten commandments, not twelve.
Three: There are twelve apostles, not ten.
Four: We do not refer to the cross as "the big T”
Five: The recommended grace before meals is NOT "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks
for the grub - Yaa-hoo!”
Six: Do not refer to the last supper as "Good eats with J.C. and the boys.”
Seven: David slew Goliath, he did not "kick the shit out of him.”
Eight: The father, son and holy ghost, are not referred to as "Big daddy, junior
and the spook.”
Nine: You should always say "the Virgin Mary," not "Mary with the cherry.”
Ten: Though the pope is a Polack, we do not refer to him as Pope the Polack, or
as the Polack Poop.
Eleven: Last, but not least; next week there is a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's
- not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s!

After checking into the hotel, Father O'Dilly finds a Bible on the bed-side table.
He reads it for a couple of hours and then leaves his room and wanders into the
lobby. There he strikes up a conversation with the pretty young receptionist.
After she has finished work, they share a few drinks in the bar and then retire to
Father O'Dilly's room, but when the priest starts removing her clothes, she
begins to have second thoughts. "Are you sure this is alright?" she asks. "I mean,
you ARE a priest.”

"Don't worry, my dear," he replies, "it is written in the Bible.” She believes him
and the two of them spend a very pleasant night together. But in the morning,
as the girl is preparing to leave, she says, "You know, Father, I don’t remember
that part in the Bible you mentioned last night. Could you show it to me?” So
the priest takes the Bible from the bed-side table, opens the cover and points to
the bottom of the title page, where someone has written in pencil, "The girl in
reception screws!”

The distraught young man is perched on the ledge, forty floors up, and he is
threatening to jump.The police are pleading with him to return to safety, but he
seems determined to commit suicide. A priest is called from the nearby church,
and he hurries to the scene. "Think, my son," he intones to the young man.
"Think of your mother and father who love you.”

"They don't love me," shouts the man, "I'm jumping!”

"No, stop!" cries the priest. "Think of the woman who loves you!”

"Nobody loves me! I'm jumping!" he shouts back. "But thmk‘," the priest begs,
"think of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph who love you!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph?" cries the man. "Who the hell are they?”

At which point the priest throws down his bible and screams back “Jump, you
Jew jump!”

Molly O'Brien goes to visit the parish priest, Father Hogan, for confession.
"Father," she says, "I feel so bad. Last night I called a man a dirty bastard.”

"Now, why," says Father Hogan, "would you want to say a thing like that, my
child?”

"Well, Father, you see," says Molly, "he put his arm around me.”

"What, like this?" says Hogan. "Yes," says Molly, "just like that.”

"Well," says Hogan, "that is no reason to call him a dirty bastard.”

"Yes, but then, Father, he kissed me!”

"What, like this?" asks the priest. "Yes," says Molly.

"Well," replies Hogan, "that is no reason to call him a dirty bastard.”

"I know, Father. But then you see, he put me down on the sofa and lifted my
dress.”

"You mean, like this’?"

"Yes, Father.”

"Well," says Hogan, “still no reason to call him a bastard.”

"Yes, but then he pulled his pants down!" cries Molly. "Like this?" asks the priest.
"Yes," says Molly. "Well, that is still no reason to call him a dirty bastard.”

"But Father … then he made love to me!”

"Like this?" gasps Hogan. "Yes, Father, " moans Molly.

"And you called him' a dirty bastard for that?”

"But, Father, you see, then he told me that he had gonorrhea!”

“Jesus Christ!" cries Hogan, "the dirty bastard!”

The preacher at the revival meeting is coming to the climax of his sermon.
"Have faith and you shall be healed," he cries. A woman on crutches and a man
come forward. The preacher asks, "What is your name, my good woman?”

"I'm Mrs. Smith," she replies, "and I have had to walk with crutches all my life.”

"Well, Mrs. Smith," says the preacher, "go behind that screen and pray.”
Turning to the man, he asks, "What is your name?”

"My name ith Thamuelth," he replies, "and I have alwayth thpoken with a
lithp.”

"Alright, Mr. Samuels," says the preacher, "go behind that screen with Mrs.
Smith, and pray!” Then the preacher raises his arms and says, "Witness the
miracles! Mrs. Smith, throw one crutch over the screen." The audience gasps as
it sails over. "Mrs. Smith," cries the preacher. "Now the other one!" The crowd
cheers as the second crutch appears. Encouraged, the preacher commands, "Mr.
Samuels, say something in a loud, clear voice.” Samuels answers, "Mithuthh
Thmith jutht fell on her arth!”

Pope the Polack is picked up outside the Vatican on suspicion of rape. He is

taken to the police station, finger-printed, booked, and locked in a cell. A few
hours later, he is placed in a line with five other men. He looks around him with
some curiosity. There are several cops, some plain clothes men, and the rape
victim. Seeing her, he leaps out of the line and pointing excitedly shouts, "That
is her! That is her!”

Pope the Polack and Ronald Reagan die and go to heaven. They ask for an
interview with God, and find him sitting in a comfortable armchair.

"What have you done that you deserve to be in heaven?” God asks the pope.

"Well," replies Pope the Polack, "I kissed the ground at most of the major
airports of the world; I fought the evil communists, and opposed birth control so
strongly that Catholics went forth and multiplied.”
"Very good!" says God. "Sit on my left side." Then God turns to Ronald
Reagan. "And what have you done," he asks, "to deserve to be in heaven?”

"Well," replies Reagan, "I was the most fundamentalist Christian president of
all time. I drove Osho's commune out of America, and caused the third world
war, thus bringing about your ‘second coming' to earth.”

"Good work," says God, and then notices Osho standing there. "Oh!" says God,
quite embarrassed, "and what have you done that you deserve to be in heaven?”

"Cut the small talk," says Osho, "and get out of my chair!”

Bishop Ballsoff has a beautiful parrot called Lucy, who knows all sorts of
Catholic sermons and songs. However, Lucy does not really care for the
Catholic religion, and secretly learns to say, "Down with the Polack pope!” One
day, Lucy is sitting by the open window when she starts screaming in a loud
voice: "Down with the Polack pope. Down with the Polack pope!” Before long,
the Catholic church committee is told about this outrageous noise coming from
the bishop's house.They immediately summon Bishop Ballsoff to appear before
them to explain himself. The scene is tense in the church courtroom, with
Bishop Ballsoff and Lucy, the parrot, sharing the witness stand. Bishop Ballsoff
is testifying that it is Lucy who has been causing all the trouble. The prosecuting
priest approaches Lucy and tries to get her to speak. "Down with the Polack
pope!" hisses the prosecutor. But Lucy sits silently. Cardinal Fizz, the judge,
comes down from his high-chair and approaches Lucy. He too tries to get her to
speak. "Down with Pope the Polack!" he says. But Lucy just blinks and keeps
quiet. The twelve priests and nuns in the jury leave their seats and approach the
witness stand. "Down with Pope the Polack!" they shout in unison. But Lucy
remains silent. Soon the whole Catholic courtroom is full of noise as everyone
tries to get Lucy to say the offending words. "Down with Pope the Polack!" they
shout. "Down with the Polack pope!” Suddenly Lucy flaps her wings, and a
deathly silence falls over the courtroom.The parrot looks this way and that,
inspecting the Catholics closely. "Okay!" says Lucy, holding up one wing. "Then
may God answer your prayers!”

Brother Brian, Brother Boris, and Brother Billy, three young novice monks, are
about to go through their final trial before becoming full-fledged friars. The old
abbot leads them into a luxurious room and tells them to take off their gowns
and tie a small bell to their organs. Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde enters the room
wearing a scanty bikini, and one of the bells goes, "Ding-a-ding! Ding-a ding!”

"Go stand in the showers, Brother Brian," says the abbot.

The girl starts to slip out of her bikini…

"Ding-a-ding! Ding-a-ding!”

"Too bad, Brother Boris," says the abbot, "go to the showers, too!”

Finally, the girl is naked and starts writhing and dancing in front of Brother
Billy. The bell remains silent. "Praise the Lord!" shouts the abbot.

"Congratulations, Brother Billy. You have passed. Now go and join those weaker
souls in the showers!”

“Ding-a-ding! Ding-a-ding!”

A new Cadillac pope-mobile is delivered to the door of the Vatican. Cardinal

Catsass, Pope the Polack's personal secretary, arranges to take the old Polack for
a ride in it. With Catsass at the wheel, and Pope the Polack mounted behind
him, so that he can wave to people, the pope-mobile goes hurtling out of the
Vatican gates. They drive all over Rome and then set off in the Italian
countryside. As soon as they are out of town, the pope-mobile's engine suddenly
starts spluttering and coughing, and then dies. Catsass pulls the car to the side
of the road, stops and gets out. He lift's up the hood and stares at the engine
blankly. Then he reaches over and tries to pull out one of the spark-plugs,
burning his fingers on the hot engine. "Goddam son-of-a-bitch Cadillac!" shouts
Catsass. "These cars always screw up!”

"Now, my son!" cautions the shocked Polack pope from his perch in the back.
"That kind of language is certainly not going to start the car! Perhaps a little
prayer would help!”

"A prayer?" cries Catsass. "You don't believe in that mumbo-jumbo, do you?”

"Well, bitch," replies the pope, "with you as the mechanic, we have to try
something!” So the two idiots kneel down by the front bumper, the pope kisses
the tire and mumbles a short prayer. Then Catsass jumps behind the steering
wheel and turns the key. The car starts at once. "Holy shit!" cries Pope the
Polack, in shock. "The fucking prayer worked!”

The Reverend Rump is very excited one afternoon when a new organ is
delivered to his church. A large crowd of people gathers outside the church to
watch as the organ is slowly lifted out of the delivery truck. Suddenly, one of the
delivery men lets go of a rope and the organ starts to fall on top of the
Reverend Rump, who is standing beneath it. But at the last moment, Hamish
MacTavish pushes the vicar aside and stops the organ before it smashes on the
ground. "Bless you, my son," gasps Reverend Rump, picking himself up. "You
saved me! When you come to church next Sunday, you can come and play on
this new church organ!”

"Ah!" sighs Hamish. "There is no need for me to go to church,Vicar.”

"Really, my son?" asks Rump. "Why not?”

"You see, Vicar," replies Hamish, "I have a church of my own at home.”

"Really?" asks the vicar. "What do you mean?”

"Well," explains Hamish. "It is like this. My whole family lives in one room, so
we have a three-level bed. The kids are on the top level, singing all day like little
angels. Then, on the middle level, there is my mother-in-law. She is preaching
day and night, dealing out the Ten Commandments and the wrath of God.
Then, on the bottom level, there is me and my wife - playing on MY organ!”

The pope was making water in the men's room when he noticed that somebody
had written on the wall, "My mother made me a homosexual.” So he took out a
pencil and wrote underneath it, “If I buy her the material, will she make me
one too?”

When a persistent pain does not ease after several days, Pope the Polack makes
an appointment to see his doctor.

During the examination the doctor is shocked to find a bouquet of flowers

lodged in the pope's rectum. "Where the hell did THESE come from?" the
doctor asks, removing a rose. "I'm not sure," says the holy celibate, blushing,
"why don't you read the card?”
The voice of God booms down from above, “Noah!”.
“What?" shouts Noah looking around. "What do you want?”
"You have got to take one of those elephants out and bring in another one.”
"What for?" shouts Noah.
"Because," booms the voice, "you have got two males and you need one male
and one female.”
"I'm not bringing nothing in!" shouts Noah. "You just change one of them.”
"Come on, Noah," booms the voice, "you know I don't work like that.”
"Well, I'm sick and tired," says Noah, "I have had enough of this. I have been
working for days. I am through with it!”
"Noah?" asks the voice.
"Yeah!" shouts back Noah.
"Noah," comes the voice, "how far can you swim?”

It is a few nights after Christmas. The door of the stable creaks open and three
wise men enter. They are tiptoeing quietly across to the manger when one of
them steps into a huge pile of donkey shit. Looking down at his ruined golden
slipper, the wise man clenches his teeth and mutters, “Jesus Christ!” Mary looks
from her baby to her husband, "Hey, Joe!" she says, "that's a MUCH better
name than Albert!”

It happened in Poland after the war, ace reporter, Tony Toe-Rag, is interviewing
the Reverend Mother of a convent. "Tell me," says Toe-Rag, "what happened to
you and your nuns during these terrible years? How have you survived?”

"Well, first of all," says the Reverend mother, "the Russians came, seized the
convent, raped all the nuns - except sister Anastasia - took our food and left.
Then came the Germans. Again they seized the convent, raped all the nuns -
except sister Anastasia - took our food and 1eft. Then again the Germans were
driven out and the Russians came back again, seized the convent, raped all the
nuns - except sister Anastasia - took our food and left." Tony Toe-Rag makes the
required sympathetic noises, but is curious about sister Anastasia.

"Who is this sister Anastasia?" he asks. "Why did she escape these terrible
happenings?”

"Ah, well," replies the Reverend Mother, "Sister Anastasia doesn't like that kind
of thing!”
Harry and Harriet are a very devoutly religious couple. They observe all the
Christian religious festivals by remaining strictly celibate until the festival is over.

During Lent, which lasts for a whole month, they decide to give up sex. They
are especially careful - they even sleep in separate rooms, to make sure they
won't be tempted.

Lent finishes at six o'clock in the morning on Sunday, and sure enough, at
exactly six o'clock, Harriet hears a sharp knocking on her bedroom door.

"Is that you, Harry?" asks Harriet.

"Yes!" he cries. "This is your ever-loving husband!”

"Ah, Harry!" giggles Harriet. "I know why you are knocking!”
"You know WHY I am knocking!" cries Harry, "but you should see with
WHAT!”

This joke was given to me; somebody must have made it up. And when Nirvano told me about
the joke, the person had made it a Jaina couple. The husband’s name was Halvabhai and the
wife’s name was Mevabhai. And the Jainas have a religious festival, Paryushan, so the festival
in the joke was Paryushan. The rest of the joke has remained the same.

But as I told Nirvano, jokes have their roots. You cannot change their context. Now, a jaina
couple will not be fitting. About jews you can tell any kind of joke; their appetite is big enough,
everything fits. But about Hindus, about Jainas, about Buddhists, you cannot just change the
names. They will be absolutely unfitting, because they will not have any natural context.

India has no jokes of its own. All the jokes are imported - fortunately there is no taxation on
importing jokes! You can just change the names to Indian names, but it will not be right it will
not sound right. Even a joke has a certain context, a certain reference. It is not just a joke. You
cannot implant it anywhere you like, it has a climate of its own. For example, a Jewish joke
cannot be transplanted to another race because that joke has a history of its own.

Nobody writes jokes, you know. There are no joke writers. From where do jokes come?

From the wisdom of the folk, hundreds of years...they pass through many hands, many
situations and. then they come to a refinement. Nobody can claim that he is the writer And
never try to change the names, because they will look absolutely out of context.

If you cannot find out to whom the joke should belong, just put some Jewish names in it. They
are the only people rich enough, and it is for a particular reason that they can absorb any joke.
They have suffered so much since Moses brought them out of Egypt in search of Israel. Their
whole life for these four thousand years has been that of suffering and suffering and suffering.

I have heard about an old jew dying, praying to God. His family was surprised at what he was
saying. He was saying to God, "God, enough is enough! Now you should choose somebody else
as your chosen people.”

This stupid idea that Jews are the chosen people has been the cause of all their suffering. But
suffering has to be somehow consoled - some ointment for so many wounds. Jokes have grown
in the Jewish context. They had to laugh; otherwise how to forget the agony? How to forget all
the suffering that they have passed through? They lost their land…

They have got it back just now, forty years ago; now it is a struggle to keep it. All around they
are surrounded by the Mohammedans. And there is no way, I can’t see any possibility of their
survival there. It is the ugliest and most criminal act of American politicians to give them back
Israel, which has been in the hands of Mohammedans. But it was a clever strategy. This way
they could get rid of many Jews without killing them. They were doing exactly what Adolf
Hitler did. He killed six million Jews because the problem was that if Jews are the chosen
people, then who are the Germans? This was the conflict. Adolf Hitler thought that his people,
the Nordic Germans, were the chosen people of God, and Jews would not agree to that. He
finished of six million Jews.

America did the same, but in a more diplomatic way. After the second world war they gave the
Jews Palestine, which was once Israel and had fallen into the hands of Mohammedans. For
centuries, Jews had lived without any land of their own - and I don’t think there is any need.
“Lands” should disappear, boundaries should disappear; everybody should be living on the
planet. But because after the second world war Palestine was in the hands of America,
Americans played a very ugly trick. They gave it back not to the Mohammedans, but to the
Jews. It is true, it used to belong to the Jews centuries before. But now it had been in the hands
of the Mohammedans for so long that even the name had changed. It was no longer called
Israel, it had become Palestine. Under the enforcement of the Americans who were holding
Palestine, they made it Israel.

Nations are not made like that. Now thousands of Jews from other countries, particularly
America, have moved to Israel. And they are surrounded from all sides by Mohammedans. For
forty years they have been continuously fighting and being killed.

This is the fundamentalist Christian mind, which played a very clever trick. And I cannot see
any future for Israel. Any day America stops giving arms to them - they are a small island,
surrounded by millions of Mohammedans - they will all be killed. But America played a
game, forced the Jews, and the Jews thought that they were being favored byAmerica. They had
a great hope some day to have their own land, so they rushed there with all their money. And
they are still sending money - the other Jews who have remained behind - so all their money is
being destroyed in Israel.

Now they are in such a difficult position: neither can they go back - they have brought
everything they had - nor can they see any future when they can live in peace. Everyday it is
continuous war, terrorists of all kinds; nobody is secure.

This situation is very rare. Four thousand years ago on some unfortunate day, Moses brought
the Jews to Israel. Forty years it took him to find this barren land that he used to call "the holy
land." He had to call it holy land, otherwise his followers would have killed him!

In forty years search in the desert, two thirds of the original members who had come with him
had died. And he passed up Saudi Arabia and Iran - Jews can never forgive him. If he had
stopped at Saudi Arabia, they would have been the richest people in the world today. But at
that time nobody knew about the petrol or the oil, so it is not his fault. But one thing is certain,
that he is not a great prophet. He could not see that just there, below the earth, there was so
much petrol and oil. What kind of prophet…?

Then, finding that it was getting late - he was now eighty, and the holy land seemed to be
nowhere - in utter desperation, he simply declared Israel, which is just a barren land, to be the
holy place of God, the holy land. Just to satisfy his followers… although the followers were not
very satisfied. Looking at the holy land they said, “My God! And we are the chosen people of
God and this is the holy land?”

Moses escaped on the excuse that a small tribe of the Jews had got lost in the desert - “So I
am going to find them and bring them back.” And he never came back. He found them - they
were here in Kashmir. And Kashmir LOOKS like a holy land: it is so beautiful, incomparable
to any place on the whole earth; its beauty is superb. If Moses had just brought all the jews to
Kashmir, they would have been satisfied: "We are certainly the chosen people of God and this
IS the holy land.”

That one small tribe that had wandered away from the main caravan of the Jews found
themselves in Kashmir and they thought that they had arrived! They remained in Kashmir and
when Moses came - his grave is in Kashmir - he lived with them. It is a strange coincidence
that Jesus also died in Kashmir, and both graves are at the same place.

Jesus never knew that he was a Christian. He was born a Jew, he lived as a Jew, he
proclaimed himself as the last prophet of the Jews. And that was the reason that the Jews
crucified him, because they did not want to accept a donkey-riding carpenter’s son as their last
prophet. It was irritating. So the resurrection is just a story. Jesus was brought down from the
cross after six hours, because Jews observe Saturday as a holy day; no work is to be done. So on
Friday evening - it was only six hours that Jesus had been on the cross - they had to bring him
down before sunset, because that would be work. And the jewish cross is a very primitive, old
type of mechanism. If you want to die you need to hang on it at least forty-eight hours. Within
forty-eight hours you can change your mind; that’s why nobody ever commits suicide on a jewish
cross, because who can maintain for forty-eight hours the idea of committing suicide? Just
within one minute or two he will say, “Let us think it over again. What is the hurry? And
anyway I am feeling hungry.”

So after six hours - Jesus was a young man, only thirty-three, robust and healthy - he escaped.
It was a pure conspiracy with the Roman governor: Judea was under the Roman empire. The
Romans were not interested in Jews’ problems, that Jesus is or is not the prophet. It was
irrelevant to them.

Pontius Pilate, the governor; had an interview with Jesus before the crucifixion to see whether
this man needs to be crucfied. He found that the man is absolutely innocent - maybe a little
nuisance, because he is just riding on the donkey, followed by twelve idiots who believe that he is
the only begotten son of God, and he has promised those idiots, "You will have a special place
in the kingdom of God.”

Naturally, other Jews thought that this was very annoying and irritating. Everybody laughs at
the whole thing - "This is your last prophet?" It is even suspected that his father was not his
father.

After six hours Jesus was taken down, and the Roman governor and his soldiers were keeping
guard on the cave in which he was put when he was brought down from the cross. He allowed
Jesus followers to take him out of Judea. No resurrection happened, because even death did not
happen. He was perfectly alive; just a few days it took for healing his hands and feet which had
been nailed.

Seeing the situation, any intelligent man will not go back to Judea. He also went in search of
the one lost tribe and ended up in Kashmir. Moses died in Kashmir; and two thousand years
later Jesus died there. Both their graves are together there. Neither jews want to recognize it nor
Christians want to recognize it, but it is so evident: on both the graves the writing is in Hebrew,
and on both the gravestones the names of the persons, Moses and Jesus, are engraved.

The family that protects the graves is still Jewish; that is the only family in the whole of
Kashmir which Mohammedans did not convert to Mohammedanism. All other Jews were
forced to become Mohammedans, but this family they left alone because they were protecting
and taking care of Moses’ and Jesus’ graves, and because Mohammedanism also accepts
Moses and Jesus as prophets. So this family is the only family. But no pope goes there to look at
poor Jesus’ grave, and neither do Christians talk about it, nor do Jews ever bother what
happened to Moses.
And Christians have no answer: even If Jesus was resurrected, he must have died sometime
afterwards. Where has he gone? Do they mean that he goes on resurrecting? Then he must be
somewhere here! Because of all this suffering, Jews have found a way of laughing, even in
misery, and that way is the joke. The joke is purely a Jewish invention.

And you should never make any change of names, because just changing the names won 't help.
A Jaina couple… it is impossible for them to say what the joke says.

"You know WHY I am knocking," cries Harry, "but you should see WITH WHAT!" No
Indian will say that. It is just impossible.

So I told Nirvano, "Change the names. Put in some Christian names”… because Jews are
being hit so much. And I love them. Half of my sannyasins are Jews, and most of them are
my sannyasins because I am the only person who loves Jewish jokes. They have a flavor which
is their own. Countries like India are very serious. To tell a joke… Indians will feel very much
hurt, they are such a repressed people. Here there are a few of my old friends who are Jainas. I
told Nirvano, “Do you want them also to go?” Hearing the joke about Halvabhai and
Mevabhai, then they are not going to stay!

The people who are translating my books from English to Hindi continuously send me notes:
"What to do about the jokes?” And the people who are translating my Hindi books into
English - they again and again ask me, "What to do with the poetry?”

So I tell them, “If you can manage, translate the poetry into prose. If you cannot then just
leave it out. "And to the people who are translating from English to Hindi I say simply, “You
cannot do anything except leave out those jokes.” Indians will get absolutely mad - they are
already mad about me. Such a seriousness has been a long sickness, a wound that has not
healed.

Jews have certainly proved their mettle. In all their agony they have maintained their laughter,
they have not lost it. But it is a strange psychology that the people who are in suffering will
always love laughter. That gives at least some time to forget the misery. People who have lived
peacefully with no suflering, don't know what laughter is.

I have been thinking many times that I should speak on the psychology of jokes. It has so many
implications, why a certain joke is a joke and why it arose; who were the people, who must have
been the people who managed that joke? In what background has the joke flowered, and was it
refined? - because it is centuries of work. A single joke can be traced back for centuries, and you
will find little differences happening and finally it comes to perfection. It is a work of art. But
it needs a certain climate and a certain understanding and a certain openness, a certain
unrepressed joyfulness; otherwise it can backfire.
This is a beautiful joke - but Nirvano is not a jew. She thought it better to make it Christian
because she knows the Christian names better and she knows the festival of Lent. In a Jewish
context it would have been even better, because they are the most unrepressed people in the
world. It is not a coincidence that Sigmund Freud - a Jew - started a new science:
psychoanalysis. The whole science is against repression.

Every joke has a long history and background. It will be good sometime to give the whole series
to Sardar Gurudayal Singh, and find the roots of these jokes - their psychology, the people,
because there are many people. For example, Jews tell jokes about themselves; they are
intelligent people. Other people tell jokes about the Polacks, who are very unintelligent people.
They cannot make a joke themselves, that is impossible. But they are good in a way; they allow
the whole world to make jokes about them. Nice guys!

7. ANIMALS
The cuckoos have become silent, waiting for a few laughs from you. Remember, laughter is one
of the ways in which you can disappear Only laughter remains.

The cuckoo has started again, calling forth…

Laughter is a mystery. It is better to experience it than to hear someone talk about it. But one
becomes curious, "What is laughter?”

Laughter is the most intelligent factor in you.

Buffaloes don't laugh, and if you meet a buffalo laughing you will go mad! Then it will be
impossible to bring you to sanity. No animal laughs. Laughter needs a very sensitive intelligence.
It means that you can understand the ridiculousness of a certain situation.

What are jokes? They are a very clever arrangement. They take you in a direction logically,
rationally, you start expecting that now this is going to happen, this is going to happen… and it
goes on happening according to your expectations. Then comes a sudden turn and something
happens which you could never have imagined.

That brings laughter to you. It is a very internal process of your rational expectation. If what
you were expecting happens, there will be no laugh. But if you see something that you could not
have conceived and everything went well up to the end - and then suddenly something happens
that makes you immediately forget all your reason, logic, mind…

Laughter is the only ordinary experience when you are no longer a mind, and I use it to give you
glimpses of no-mind, of meditation, of a transcendence of mind. Perhaps I am the first man
in the whole history of mankind who has been using jokes as a preparation for meditation.
Jesus would not laugh; Buddha will not laugh; Lao Tzu is not heard to have ever laughed…

They were serious people, and they were doing serious work!

On a small iceberg, somewhere near the North Pole, a little bear goes up to his
mother and asks, "Mom, What kind of bear am I?”
"You are a polar bear, son," replies his mother.
"Are you sure I am not a brown bear?" he asks.
"Quite sure, son," she replies, "you are a polar bear.”
But the little bear is not satisfied. "Mom," he says, "maybe I am a grizzly bear?”
"What are you asking these questions for, son?" asks his mother. "You are a
polar bear.”
So the little bear walks across the iceberg to his father. "Pop," he says, "am I a
panda bear?”
"No, son," says the father, "you are a polar bear.”
"Not a koala bear?" asks the baby bear.
"No, you are a polar bear," says his father. "Why are you asking all these
questions?”
"Because," moans the little bear, "I am cold!”

Gilda and Gilbert Goldfish are swimming around in that fish bowl one day,
having a deep philosophical discussion. "So," gurgles Gilda, "you say that you
do not believe in the existence of God?”

"That's right," bubbles Gilbert, throwing down his battered copy of THUS
SPOKE ZARATHUSTRA. "And Friedrich Nietzsche says that God is dead
and fish are free!”

"Holy shit!" splutters Gilda. "Then who is that guy that changes our water?”

Irving Levensky is asked by his wife to buy a chicken for Saturday night dinner.
He buys the chicken and is on his way home when he remembers that he
doesn't have his house key and his wife will not be home for hours. He decides
to pass the time by going to a movie. In order to get into the cinema, he stuffs
the chicken into his trousers. He sits down and begins watching the movie. It
fascinates him so that he doesn't notice the chicken sticking its head through the
fly of his pants.

Two women are sitting next to him, and one of them nudges the other. "Look,"
she says, "look at that thing there sticking out of the man's pants.” The other
replies, "If you've seen one, you've seen them all.” The first one says, "Yes, but
this one is eating my popcorn.”

Captain Codfish, the old pirate, is in the Stoned Seagull Pub one night, telling
stories from his life at sea.

"I had a parrot once," declares Codfish, drinking his rum. "He was the most
incredible bird! He could imitate anything - Charlie Chaplin, Jack the Ripper,
Marilyn Monroe, Pope the Polack… even Nancy Reagan!”

"Wow!" says Igor, the barman. "Where is he? What happened to him?”

"Ah!" cries the old pirate. "Times got hard, and I got hungry - I ate him!”
"You ate your parrot?" cries Igor in disgust. "What did he taste like?”

"He tasted just like turkey," replies Codfish. "That parrot could imitate
anything!”

In downtown Los Loonies, California, three men - Leroy the black guy, Jack
Jerk the white guy, and Ha-choo Wu the Chinaman - meet at Safeway
Supermarket. They are all doing their weekly shopping, and they have all
brought their pet dogs with them.

The first guy, Jack Jerk, begins to brag about his dog Fifi. "My dog, Fifi, is the
most intelligent female dog in this state," says Jack. "She is so smart that I can
tell her to go and get a packet of chocolate-chip cookies, eat half of them, and
bring the rest of them to me!”

Immediately Jack snaps his fingers, and Fifi the dog jumps up and disappears
behind some shelves. A minute later, Fifi comes back wagging her tail, with half
a pack of chocolate-chip cookies in her mouth.

"Velly implessive!" says Ha-choo Wu. "But watchee my doggee, Chu Yoo! He
velly smartest boy doggie in all world!” Then Wu commands his dog to go and
get a bottle of milk and an empty glass. Chu Yoo races off, and comes back a
few moments later, pours the milk into the glass, and then stands there wagging
his tail.

"Hey, that is nothing," says Big Black Leroy. Then he turns to his big black dog,
named Rambo, and shouts, "Go get 'em, Rambo!”

Rambo slowly gets up from the floor where he has been sleeping, walks over,
drinks the milk, eats the cookies, pisses on Chu Yoo, fucks Fifi, empties the
cashbox, and goes home to rest!

Bonzer, the British bulldog, is sniffing his way around the neighborhood when
he recognizes the smell of Alvin, the American Airedale.

After the two dogs have met and sniffed each other thoroughly, Alvin, the
American dog, starts to speak.

"The trouble with you British," barks Alvin, "is that you are far too tribal and
interbred.
There should be much more intermingling. For instance, in my blood there is
British, German, Spanish, Italian, French and a touch of Chinese.”

"I say, old chap," replies Bonzer, "how jolly sporting of your mother!”

Jose, the Peruvian farmer, has a donkey called Pedro. One day he lends Pedro to
his mother-in-law, Mama Enchilada. That evening, when Jose goes to collect
Pedro, he finds that the donkey has managed to kick his mother-in-law down the
Village well.

The next day, at Mama Enchilada's funeral, the entire male population of the
village flocks to the church. After the ceremonies, Father Gonzalez approaches
Pedro. "Your mother-in-law must have been liked very much,” he says. “I have
never seen so many people in my church.”

"Ah!" says Jose, "they did not come to bury Mama Enchilada - they came to
borrow Pedro!”

It is afternoon at the Washington Zoo. "Look at that one," says Martha, "the
one staring at us through the bars. Doesn't he look intelligent?”

"Yeah," says George. "There is something quite strange about it.”

"Yes, he looks like he understands every word we are saying," says Martha.
"Yeah, he walks on his hind legs, too," observes George, "and swings his arms.”

"There," says Martha, "he has got a peanut. Let us see what he does with it.”

"My God!" says George. "Would you believe it? He knows enough to take the
shell off before he eats it — just like we do.”

"That other one is a female, isn't it?" asks Martha. “Just listen to her chatter at
him. He doesn't seem to be paying much attention to her, though.”

"She must be his mate," says George. "They look a bit sad, don't they?" asks
Martha. "Yeah, they do," agrees George. "I guess they wish they were in here
with us gorillas!”
Fred Frump walks into the pub and orders a beer and a Whiskey. He drinks the
beer, and then pours the Whiskey into the top pocket of his coat. "Give me
another beer, and another whiskey," says Fred, wiping his lips. The bartender
does, and the same thing happens. Fred drinks the beer, and dumps the whiskey
into his coat pocket. This goes on several more times, and finally the puzzled
bartender asks, "Hey, what's the big idea?”

"None of your business," says Fred, drunkenly. "And don't be so nosy - or I will
punch you in the nose!” Just then, a mouse pops his head out of Fred's coat
pocket and shouts, "And that also goes for your goddam cat!”

An elephant and a mouse are walking through the jungle, when the mouse falls
into a swamp. He is about to drown, but the elephant straddles the swamp and
slowly lowers his prick. The mouse grabs onto the huge piece of machinery and
the elephant lifts him to safety. A few weeks later, the mouse and the elephant
are walking through the jungle, when the elephant falls into a swamp. Quick as
a flash, the mouse runs off and comes back driving a brand-new red Ferrari
sports car. He backs up to the swamp, attaches a rope to the car, throws the
other end to the elephant, jumps back into the Ferrari, and slowly pulls the huge
elephant out of the swamp. … Which just goes to show that if you have a red
Ferrari, you don't need a big prick.

Old lady Muffet's proudest possession is a beautiful white Persian cat named
Conrad. But Grandma Muffet notices that Conrad has been missing for two
days. When she goes to the freezer that night for dinner, she nearly dies of
shock. There is Conrad, sitting on a plate, frozen solid. Grandma frantically
calls her vet, Doctor Ratso, and asks what she should do. "There is still a chance
to save the poor animal," says Dr. Ratso. "Give it two teaspoons of gasoline.”

With trembling hands, Grandma Muffet cracks open Conrad's frozen lips, and
carefully spoons in the doctor's strange prescription. The seconds tick by, and
nothing happens. Grandma is just about to give up hope, when suddenly the
cat's eyes pop open, it lets out an ear-piercing scream, and flies across the room
at three hundred miles an hour. It runs over all the furniture, scratches up and
down the walls, and dashes across the ceiling.

The cat streaks around the apartment like a furious hurricane, then suddenly
stops dead in its tracks - not moving a muscle. Quickly, Grandma phones Dr.
Ratso again. "What do you think' happened?" she cries. "Simple," replies Ratso.
"He just ran out of gas!”
Walter and Larry, two Australian boundary riders, are drinking beer and
discussing how smart their dogs are. "My dog Rex is so smart," says Walter,
"that I can give him five instructions at once and he Will' carry them out, one by
one.”

"That's nothin'g!" replies Larry. "My dog Butch just needs one instruction from
me, and then he anticipates the rest.” After a few more beers, Walter whistles for
Rex. He tells him to run down the street, turn left at the traffic lights, go half a
mile and bring back a black sheep from the field there. Ten minutes later, Rex is
back with the sheep.

"Not bad," says Larry, "but watch this!" Then he calls to Butch. "Butch," says
Larry, "I am hungry!” Butch races away down the road until he sees a chicken
shed. He digs a hole under the fence, lifts a hen off its nest, and picks up an egg
from underneath it. Then he races back to Larry, puts down the egg, picks up a
small pot, races off to fetch some water, puts the pot on the fire and then drops
the egg in. Exactly three minutes after the water boils, Butch tips out the water,
picks up the egg, delivers it to Larry and then stands on his head with his tail in
the air.

"That is incredible!" says Walter, "but tell me - why is he standing on his head
like that, with his ass in' the air’?"

"Well, he's a smart dog," replies Larry. "He knows that I don't have an egg cup.”

Popova the Russian mouse gets a visa to visit the West. Her friend, Barbarov the
elephant, hears the news and wants to go along too. After a little hesitation,
Popova agrees to take her friend with her. The little mouse bakes a beautiful
loaf of French bread, slices it in half down the middle, and puts one half along
either side of big Barbarov.

At the Moscow airport, the police officials check Popova's papers and her
baggage, and then wave her through. Barbarov, the elephant, is stopped.
"Where are your papers?" asks a policeman. Popova the mouse turns around,
really pissed off. "What's the matter with you guys?" she squeaks loudly. "Can't I
even take a sandwich with me?”

Percy and Peggy Sue get married and go on honeymoon to the Bahamas. While
they are there, Percy buys a beautiful parrot in a cage and takes it back to the
hotel room. But every time that Percy and Peggy Sue start making love, the
parrot starts commenting on their movements. The cheeky parrot says things
like, "Thatta girl, Peggy Sue!" and "Come on Percy, you can do better than
that!" and "Oh! Oh! Slow down! Speed up, turn left…!”

Finally, the parrot's descriptions get so explicit that Percy jumps off the bed and
flings a sheet over the cage. "If you don't shut up," he shouts, "I'm going to send
you to the zoo!”

That evening the honeymooners are packing to leave their hotel. But Peggy Sue
is having some trouble closing her suitcase; she cannot fasten the lock.
"Darling," says Percy, "why don't you get on top, and I'll try." But the suitcase
will not close.

"Look, sweetheart," says Peggy Sue, "you get on top and I'll try." But that does
not work, either. "Listen," suggests Percy, "why don't we both get on top, and we
can both try.”

At this point, the parrot pulls the sheet off its cage and shrieks, "Zoo or no zoo,
this I’ve gotta see!”

When Madam Fifi’s whorehouse is raided by the police, the whole place is in
confusion. Somehow Pinky, the talking parrot, escapes and flies away. She lands
in the graveyard and is immediately captured by the preacher's wife and put in a
cage. "Polly wanna a cracker?" asks the preacher's wife, as Pinky sits in the cage
above the piano. But Pinky says nothing.

The days go by and Pinky sits silently in the cage wondering what has
happened. One day there is a gathering of the church women's club, and
amongst all the girls present, the discussion turns to silk underwear. "Look at
this wonderful slip!" says Mrs. Jones, turning up the corner of her dress.

"Ah! And look at these wonderful panties!" says Mrs. Foster, pulling her skirt all
the way up. "Thank God!" sighs Pinky, eyeing Mrs. Foster. "Welcome home,
girls! Anybody got a cigarette?”

Two rats in a laboratory are having a conversation through the bars of their
cages.

"Tell me," says the first rat, "how are you getting along with Professor Katzoff ?”
"Pretty good," replies the second rat. "It took me a while, but now I have finally
got him trained. Whenever I ring the bell, he brings my dinner!”

Magnus Marx wants to buy a talking parrot for his wife’s birthday. He hears
that a rare Brazilian banana-parrot is being auctioned, so he goes to the
salesroom to have a look at it.

The auctioneer puts the bird up on the stand in front of the crowded sales
room.

"Twenty-five dollars," bids Magnus. "Thirty‘-five!" comes another bidder.

Magnus bids again', "Forty dollars! “

"Fifty'!" cries the other bidder.

Ten minutes later, a sweating Magnus hands over two hundred dollars to the
auctioneer. "That's a wonderful parrot you have bought, sir," says the auctioneer
as he pockets the money.

"I know he is beautiful,” agrees Magnus. "But there is just one thing I forgot to
ask before - does this bird talk?”

"Talk?" repeats the auctioneer. "For the last ten minutes he has been bidding
against you!”

Two worms, Wilbur and Wallace, share a little hole underneath the Sunnyvale
Golf Course. One day, they plan to go for a wriggle across the course, so Wilbur
goes up to see what the weather is like. Around this time, two women are
playing golf just overhead, and one of them urgently has to pee.

"Don't worry," says the partner, "there is no one around, you can pee right
here.” So the woman squats down and starts peeing. Just at that moment,
Wilbur pops his head out of his hole. Soaked by the flood of urine, Wilbur
quickly wriggles back down into the ground.

"I see it is raining,” says Wallace to his dripping friend. "It certainly is," agrees
Wilbur, drying himself on his towel. "In fact, it is raining so hard that the birds
are building their nests upside-down!”
When Gozo the gorilla dies his female companion, Gertie, gets very horny. After
a few months she begins to get violent, as her need for sex increases. Finally the
zookeepers decide to get a man to make love to her. They go downtown and
pick up Kowalski, the Polack, and offer him twenty dollars to do the job.

They put a muzzle on Gerties mouth, tie her arms to the bars, and then let the
Polack into the cage. When Gertie sees that Kowalski has an erection, she goes
wild. She rips her arms loose from the bars and begins crushing him in her
embrace. "Help!" shouts Kowalski. "For Christ's sake, help!”

"Don't worry," shouts the keeper. "We'll get the elephant gun and shoot her!”

"No! No!" cries Kowalski. "Don't shoot her! Just get her muzzle off - I want to
kiss her!”

Complaining of the distance between campus buildings, Velma, the vet's

daughter, writes home for money to buy a bicycle. But by the time the money
arrives, she has changed her mind and has purchased a pet monkey instead.
After a few weeks, Velma discovers that the animal begins to lose all its hair.
Hoping that her father might know a cure, Velma writes, "All the hair is falling
off my monkey - what shall I do?” Her father sends a quick telegram that says:
"Sell the bicycle!”

One tranquil afternoon in the deep forest, Doobeedoo, the very handsome frog,
is preparing to go for a little hop around the pond. He is feeling pretty good
about things today, and a little ‘out there,’ so he puts on his flashy new white
Yves Saint-Laurent swimsuit. He goes out and takes in the beautiful morning.
The sun is streaming softly through the tall pine trees. Doobeedoo takes a big
breath of fresh air and smiles. Then full of life, he says to a passing deer, "I am
God!”

He hops on for a while, and when he comes across a family of dragonflies, he

puffs out his chest and says, "I am God!” A little further on, he comes to Doreen
the duck. He makes big eyes at her and in a spiritual tone says, "I am God!”

Doreen looks at the frog and says, “What?" Doobee says again, "I am God!”

"I have been watching you," says Doreen, "and you have been telling that to
everyone around the pond. Are you serious, or is it just that flashy white Yves
Saint-Laurent swimsuit?”
"I am God!" says Doobee again. "Enough of your silliness," says the duck.
"Away with you, you smart-faced jerk!” At this, Doobee pulls down his white
swimsuit and exposes his machinery. Doreen looks in amazement and says
slowly, "Oh my God!”

Caruso and his buddy, Leonardo, two Italian crickets, meet in the garden.
Caruso is walking with a limp, and Leonardo notices that he has a bandage on
his prick. "What-a happened to you?" asks Leonardo.

"Last-a night," says Caruso, "I was feeling like-a making love. So I got on my
best-a suit and brushed-a back my wings and went out into the city lights.”

"But," asks Leonardo the cricket, "why you got-a the bandage on your salami?”

"Well," says Caruso, "I was-a walking along when suddenly I see this gorgeous
firefly. So I-a come up slowly and silently, and then I jumped on-a her!”

"Wow!" exclaims Leonardo. "But what happened?”

"Mama Mia!" cries Caruso. "It was-a no firefly - it was-a somebody's old cigar!”

A New Age musician from California is convinced that wild animals have a
friendly, loving nature, which will respond to beautiful music. To test his theory,
he goes to the African jungle, finds a clearing in the forest, and starts to softly
play his guitar. Within minutes, from out of the jungle, animals of all shapes
and sizes begin to appear. Monkeys, snakes, giraffes, zebras, lions, and hippos,
all are sitting together in the clearing, enchanted by the soft music.

Suddenly, there is a banging and crashing in the bushes and an old crocodile
comes lumbering out of the forest. He stops, looks at the guy, opens his huge
jaws, and - snap! - swallows the poor musician in one bite. The other animals
are furious. "Look here, you idiot," roars the lion. "We were enjoying that!” The
crocodile looks at him blankly, puts a hand to his ear and says, “What?!"

It is raining one afternoon, so Virgil, the ventriloquist, goes into a bar. As he

opens the door a stray dog pushes past him, nearly knocking him over, and then
it goes to sit down near the bar. Virgil sits on a bar stool near the dog and orders
a drink.
When he is served, Virgil looks at the dog and then asks the bartender if he is
interested in buying a talking dog for five hundred dollars. The bartender laughs
at the idea, but then the dog says, "Please mister, please buy me. This man is so
mean to me, he doesn't look after me and never feeds me!”

The bartender is shocked. "Did you say you wanted five hundred dollars for
him?" he says. "Why do you want to sell him’?"

"I hate liars," replies Virgil, taking a drink. The bartender hands over five
hundred dollars and Virgil gets up and goes towards the door. "So long, you
ungrateful creature," he says to the dog. The dog looks up, "Ungrateful, is it?"
says the dog. "Well, just for that, I am never going to speak again!”

Audrey and Marilyn, two retired schoolteachers from Chicago, save up all their
money to go on safari in Africa. They are having a wonderful time going
through the jungle, when suddenly a huge gorilla swings down out of the trees,
sweeps Marilyn into his arms, and disappears. He takes her back to his cave,
and for a week makes love to her all day and night.

Finally, Audrey organizes a rescue party, and Marilyn is saved and rushed to the
hospital. She is treated there for a couple of days and then her friend comes for
a visit. “Oh, Marilyn!" the friend sobs, "what a ghastly experience! How do you
feel?”

"How should I feel?" sobs Marilyn, "he never writes, he never calls…!"

One of the zebras in a traveling circus gets sick, and the vet suggests that he
should be rested at a nearby farm until he gets well. The zebra makes a tour of
the farmyard and greets all the animals.

"I am a zebra," he says, "who are you?”

"I am a chicken," replies the chicken.
"And what do you do?" asks the zebra.
"I cluck a lot and lay eggs," explains the chicken.
The zebra walks on and meets a cow.
"I am a zebra," he announces, "who are you?”
“I am a cow," replies the cow.
"And what do you do?" asks the zebra.
"I moo and make milk'," replies the cow.
Next, the zebra meets a bull.
"I am a zebra," he says, "who are you?”
"I am a bull," comes the reply.
"And What do you do?" asks the zebra.
"What do I do?" snorts the bull, "just take off those fancy pajamas and I will
show you!”

Two middle-aged ladies live together m a big house, with only a female cat for
company. They are both convinced that awful things will happen to them if they
get near to a male. And they even keep the cat indoors for the same reason.

But finally, one of them gets married and goes away on her honeymoon. A few
days later, the other lady receives a post card from her friend. All it says is, "Let
the cat out!”

A man and his dog are watching a movie. The dog barks for the hero, growls at
the villain, and howls during the sad parts. A man in the next seat leans over,
"That's amazing!" he says to the dog's owner, “Your dog really seems to be
enjoying the movie!”

"It IS amazing," says the owner, "he HATED the book!”

A flea rushes into the pub just before closing time, orders three large Whiskeys,
drinks them straight down, rushes out into the street, leaps high into the air and
falls flat on his face. The flea picks himself up shakily and looks all around,
"Damn it," he says, "someone has moved my dog!”

Olivia Oppenheimer is a very rich widow, who has a parrot called Percy, who
can talk and sing in four languages. Percy is a huge hit at parties and Olivia
adores him. But Percy has one weakness: he loves to fly over the fence and fuck
the neighbors chickens.

Olivia tries everything to cure Percy of his habit, but with little success. Finally,
she gets a pair of scissors and clips all the feathers off the parrots head. "There,"
she says, "that will teach you. Now all the lady chickens won't think you
handsome anymore!”

Two nights later, Olivia has a party. Percy, the parrot, is in his usual spot on the
piano as the guests come in. Half way through the party, two bald men arrive.
"Hey!" calls out Percy. "Get over here with me, you two chickenfuckers!”

Edward, the young zoologist, and his wife Betty return from their honeymoon.
The next day Edward collects a male gorilla from the zoo and takes him to the
lab to continue his studies of gorilla behavior. He becomes so absorbed in his
work that when it is time to leave, he realizes that the zoo is already closed and
all the keepers have gone home. So he puts a jacket on the gorilla, gives him a
shot of tranquilizers and takes him home in his car. When they arrive, the maid
comes to open the door. Edward tells her to take his friend to the guest room
and put him to bed because he is not feeling well.

"Don't worry about him," continues Edward, "I will take care of him in the
morning." The night passes and in the morning, Edward takes the gorilla back
to the zoo. Later that day, the maid bumps into Betty and asks her if Edward is
still as passionate as he was on the honeymoon. "Ah, yes," replies Betty, "in fact,
he made love to me twice last night.”

"That's nothin'g," says the maid, "you should have seen the friend your husband
brought home last night. He made love to me five times without even taking off
his fur coat.”

Gorgeous Gloria is very fond of her parrot, but is always embarrassed by its bad
habits. Whenever Gloria brings home a boyfriend, the parrot cries, "Someone is
going to get it tonight!”

So she takes the parrot to the vet for treatment, but the vet tells her that her bird
must be lonely and in need of female companionship.

At the pet shop Gloria explains her story and asks about a female parrot.

"I'm afraid we are out of female parrots at the moment," says the Storekeeper,
"but in the meantime, Why don't you take home this nice lady owl and see how
they get on together?”

A few nights later, Gloria comes home with a new boyfriend. The parrot takes
one look and screeches, "Someone’s going to get it tonight!”

"Whooo? Whooo?" hoots the owl. The parrot glares at the owl and squawks,
"Not YOU, you big-eyed bitch!”
An advertisement appears in the paper one morning, asking for an individual
who can type, take dictation, program a computer, and speak more than one
language.

The first applicant for the job is a dog. The dog is able to type a hundred and
forty words per minute and takes perfect dictation. Not only can she program a
computer, but she has written several programming manuals.

The boss has the dog demonstrate all these skills and then says, "I am really
amazed by your qualifications. So I only have one final question: What about
the language requirement?” The dog looks at mm and says, “Yaa-Hoo!"

When Leo the lion tamer gets mauled by one of his lions, the circus owner
advertises for a replacement. Eliza, an attractive young woman, applies for the
job and goes with the circus owner and Leo to look at the 1ions. The circus
owner is reluctant, but finally lets her in the cage with the lions.

Eliza closes the door behind her and proceeds to undress and lie down naked on
the floor of the cage. Immediately two lions race over to her, stop dead, and
then start to lick her body all over. The Circus owner turns to Leo, who is still
nursing his injured arm.

"Hey, Leo, why can't you do that?" he asks. "I can, I can!" cries Leo. “Just get
those two crazy lions out of there!”

The big-mouthed frog is sitting by his pond in the jungles of Goa one day, when
the tiger comes by and says, "Hey man, have you heard? There is a big full-
moon party down at the beach tonight.” The frog opens his huge mouth and
says, "Faarrr out!”

"Yeah," says the tiger, "and there will be lots of dancing sannyasin girls.”
"Faarrr out!" says the frog.
"And there will be lots of jazz music and skinheads," says the tiger.
"Faarrr out," says the frog.
"And there will be lots of booze and plenty to eat.”
"Faarrr out," says the frog.
"One thing only," says the tiger, "has to be remembered: that people with big
mouths are not allowed to go.” The frog shuts his mouth with a ‘bang' and says,
"Poor crocodile, he will be so disappointed”
Young Ruben Finkelstein falls in love with young Ruthie Goldberg and she
invites him to her house for dinner and to meet her parents. Becky serves dinner
in luxurious style and Ruben is just begging to relax when suddenly he farts
loudly. Hymie Goldberg looks up and then stares at the large dog lying at
Ruben's feet.

"Rover," he calls out and the dog waves his tail. Ruben is relieved that the dog
has been blamed, but just then cuts another fart. Hymie looks up and in a
louder voice says, “Rover!" The dog looks up but yawns and goes back to sleep.

Within minutes, Ruben farts again. This is too much for Hymie and he shouts to
the dog, "Rover, get out from under there before he shits all over you!”

Three mice walk into a bar, sit down and begin some serious drinking. All three
get completely drunk and soon begin to brag about how brave they are. "I'm
going to tell that dumb Ronald Reagan in the White House about some of his
dumb policies," says the first mouse.

"That's nothing," sneers the second mouse. "I'm going over to the Kremlin and
tell them just what I think about them.”

They both turn to the third mouse who is sitting there spacing out. "Well, what
are you going to do?" they ask. “Me?” says the third mouse. “I'm going to screw
the cat.”

A magician performs brilliantly in the saloon of an ocean liner. But on this ship
there is a parrot who hates the magician. Every time the magician does a trick,
the parrot screams, "Phony, phony, take him away!”

One day the ship sinks and both the parrot and the magician end up on a life
raft together. The first day passes and they say nothing. Two days pass, still they
say nothing. Finally the parrot can bear it no longer. He glares suspiciously at
the magician.

"Okay, wise guy,” he squawks, “you and your tricks… what did you do with the
ship?”

Billy and Bertie cockroach are munching delicacies on top of a garbage pile
when Billy begins telling Bertie about some new tenants in the nearby
apartments.
"I hear," says Billy, "that their refrigerator is spotless, their floors are gleaming,
and there is not a trace of dirt in the whole place.”

“Please, please," says Bertie, "not while I'm eating!”

A man walks into a bar and is amazed to see a dog sitting at a table with three
men playing poker. The man goes over to the table and asks, "Can that dog
really read his cards?”

"Sure he can," says one of the men. "But he's not much of a poker player.
Whenever he draws a good hand he wags his tail!”

Mendel Kravitz is really pissed off when a neighbor telephones at 3:00 am and
complains, "Your dog is barking so loudly that I can’t sleep!" The neighbor then
hangs up before Mendel can reply. So the following morning at 3:00 am.
Mendel calls his neighbor and says, "I don't have a dog!”

Father Feever, the Catholic priest, goes to a ranch in order to buy a horse. He
sees a beautiful one that he likes and asks if he can take it for a test ride. "Sure,"
says the rancher, "but I have to tell you something. That horse used to be owned
by the bishop, and if you want the horse to move, you have to say, ‘Good Lord,’
and if you want him to stop, you have to say, ‘Amen.’”

"That's okay," says Feever. Then he jumps up and cries, "Good Lord.”

The horse promptly moves off and they go galloping into the mountains. The
young priest is yelling, "Good Lord, good Lord." and the horse is really moving.
But suddenly he sees that they are coming to the edge of a cliff and, in a panic,
he yells, "Stop, stop!" That doesn’t work and then he remembers and shouts,
“Amen."

The horse stops right on the edge of the cliff and, wiping his brow with relief,
Feever says, "Good Lord!”

Dr. Bones and Dr. Skinner are out duck hunting early one morning while it is
still dark. They hear an owl in the tree above them snoring. "I'm such a great
surgeon," brags Bones, "that I can go up there and take out that owl’s tonsils
without even waking him up.”
Ten minutes later, Bones climbs down the tree and holds up two tiny tonsils.
"That's nothin‘g," says Skinner, "I'm so nimble with my hands, I'll climb up
there and remove the owl's testicles without him feeling a thing!”

Sure enough, a few minutes later, Dr. Skinner returns with a pair of tiny balls.
Months later, the owl flies over the same tree with a friend. "Hey!" says the
friend. "It's bedtime, let's sleep in that tree tonight.”

"No thanks," replies the owl, "I slept there a few months ago and ever since I
have not been able to fuck worth a hoot or hoot worth a fuck.”

A flea calls up his travel agent on the phone. "Listen," he says, "I have had
enough of this armpit, I need a vacation. What can you do for me?”

"Well," says the travel agent, "it's a bit late in the season, but if you are prepared
for something expensive, I've got a celebrity mustache vacancy.” The flea jumps
at the offer and the next week he moves into Robert Pickford's mustache.
However, all is not well and he phones his travel agent again.

"I am really having a great time seeing all sorts of famous people and places,"
says the flea, "but it is just too busy here talking and eating and drinking all the
time. Can't you fix me up with something a little quieter?”

"Well," says the agent, checking his files, "there is a last minute cancellation in
the world’s most famous pubic hair.” The flea jumps for joy and that evening he
checks into Raquel Scotch's crotch. The next day he is back on the phone. "A
fine holiday this has turned out to be," he tells his agent. "I went to sleep last
night and this morning I am back in Robert Pickford's mustache!”

Grandma Faginbaum takes her grandchildren shopping and leaves the house
empty, except for her parrot standing on its perch by the door. The plumber
arrives to fix something in the house, and knocks on the door.

"Who is it?" asks the parrot. "It's the plumber," replies the man. Nothing
happens. The plumber knocks again. "Who is it?" asks the parrot. "The
plumber," he replies. There is silence.

The plumber, who has a heart condition, is getting impatient. He knocks again.
"Who is it?" squawks the parrot. "It‘s the PLUMBER!" he yells and collapses in
a faint.
Half an hour later, grandma returns with the kids. The little girl points at the
body on the ground. "Who is that?" she asks. The parrot squawks, "It's the
plumber!”

A Broadway bookie is given a parrot in lieu of cash payment. The bird's

vocabulary includes choice phrases in English, French, Spanish and German.
Sensing a winner, the bookie hauls the bird off to his favorite bar.

"Speaks four languages," he says to the bartender, who snorts in disbelief.

"Wanna bet this bird can speak four languages?" the bookie challenges.
Annoyed, the bartender finally agrees to a ten-dollar bet. The bookie turns to
the parrot and says, "Parlez-vous Français?" There is no response.

On the street the bookie glares at the bird, "You fink!“ he exclaims, "I've got ten
bucks riding on you and you clam up on me. I oughta strangle you.”

"Don't be a jerk," the parrot replies. “Just think of the odds you'll get
tomorrow.”

The old white-haired spinster is rocking on her front porch with her tomcat at
her feet. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers her three wishes. "Ah, go on,” the
old lady says disbelievingly. "If you grant wishes, let us see you turn this rocking
chair into a pot of gold.”

The fairy waves her magic wand and the spinster finds herself sitting on a pot
of gold. Her face lights up. "And I get two more wishes?" she asks. "Anything
your heart desires," says the fairy. "Then make me into a beautiful young girl,"
she orders.

Another wave of the wand and her wish is granted. "Now" says the old lady,
"make my tomcat into a handsome young prince.”

The good fairy waves her wand and disappears as the third wish comes true,
and the man of her dreams stands where the tomcat had been sleeping. The
young man approaches the once old lady, takes her in his arms, and murmurs
gently, "Now aren't you sorry you sent me to the vet?”

The male dinosaur has been going out with the female dinosaur for two
thousand years and finally he asks her for a kiss. She agrees. Four thousand
years later he asks if they might hug a little, and she agrees. Three thousand
years later he says, "Look, honey, we have been seeing each other for about nine
thousand years. Don't you think it is about time we… er… you know, get it on?”
She looks at him' shyly, and says, "Oh, darling I would love to, but I'm having
my decade.”

One day Herman Horowitz goes into a pet shop and says, "I want a parrot. I
don't care what it looks like, as long as it talks.”

“Okay, Sir," says the assistant. "I have got just the bird for you. That blue and
green one talks very well." Herman likes it, but the assistant warns him that it
does not have any feet. "No feet?" cries Herman. "Then how does he stay on his
perch?”

"Simple," says the man. "You may have noticed, he is a male bird. He just wraps
his prick around the perch and stays up that way.”

So Herman takes the parrot home and has a very long talk with him. The next
evening, when Herman gets home from work, the parrot says, "Thank God you
are back,I have got something to tell you.”

"What is it?" asks Herman. "Well," begins the parrot, "when you went to work,
a man came to the door and your wife let him' in and they sat on the sofa
together.”

"What happened next?" cries Herman. "And then he opened her blouse and
sucked her tits," says the parrot. "And then what?" cries Herman. "I don't
know," says the parrot, "I got an erection and fell off my perch.”

Solly Sapperstein is standing in front of the gorilla's cage in the zoo one day,
when the wind blows a piece of grit into his eye. As Solly pulls down his eyelid
to remove the particle, the gorilla goes crazy, bends open the bars and beats the
poor fellow senseless. When Solly regains consciousness, he explains to the
anxious zookeeper what happened. The zookeeper nods sagely and explains
that in gorilla language, pulling down the eyelid means, "Fuck you!”

This explanation doesn't make Solly feel any better, and he swears revenge. The
next day, Solly arrives at the zoo with two large knives, two hats, two whistles
and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurries to the gorilla's
cage, into which he throws a knife, a hat and a whistle.
Then Solly puts on his hat.The gorilla looks at him, looks at the hat, and puts it
on. Next, Solly picks up the whistle and blows it.The gorilla looks at him, looks
at the whistle, and then picks it up and blows it.

Then Solly picks up the knife, whips the sausage out of his pants, and slices it
neatly in two. The gorilla looks at the knife in his cage, looks at his prick, looks
up, and pulls down his eyelid.

Bishop Ballsoff buys two parrots and teaches them to say the rosary. He even
has two tiny sets of rosary beads made for them. After months of exhaustive
training, the parrots are able to recite the rosary and use the beads at the same
time.

Ballsoff is so pleased that he decides to teach another parrot the rosary. He goes
to the pet shop and buys a female parrot, which he brings home and puts into
the cage with the other two. As he does this, one parrot turns to the other and
says, "Throw away your beads, George, our prayers have been answered.”

Elsie the Cow is on one side of the barbed-wire fence, and Ferdinand the Bull is
on the other side. Elsie gives Ferdinand a wink, and he leaps over the fence to
her side.

"Aren't you Ferdinand the Bull?" asks Elsie. “Just call me Ferdinand," he replies.
"The fence was higher than I thought.”

One day one of Mulla Nasruddin’s friends asks him if he could borrow his
donkey to carry some vegetables to the market. "No," says Mulla, "that's not
possible, because my donkey is not here, and what's more, he is sick.” At that
moment, his donkey appears from around the corner calling, "Heehaw
heehaw.”

"You said your donkey is not here, and that he is sick," accuses Mulla's friend,
"and here he is and yelling ‘heehaw, heehaw’ as well as can be.”

"Who do you believe," asks Mulla Nasruddin, "my donkey or me?”

On a track through the jungle, a missionary meets a lion. Realizing his escape is
hopeless, the missionary falls on his knees and starts to pray. He is greatly
comforted when he sees that the lion is on his knees beside him.
"Dear brother," says the relieved missionary, "how nice it is of you to join me in
prayer when a moment ago I feared for my life.”

"Don't interrupt," growled the lion, "I am saying grace.”

Two old cows are standing together in the pasture chewing the cud, when one
of them looks up and says, "Look, here comes that cross-eyed bull. We had
better separate or he will miss us both.”

A handsome tomcat has just moved into the neighborhood, and all the other
cats are very interested. One of them has the first date. "Well," they all cry the
next morning, "how did you get on?”

"A completely wasted evening," replies the pretty cat. "All he would talk about
was his operation.”

The old bull's active days are over, but the farmer permits him to stay in the
pasture with the cows. Of course, the farmer lets a young bull loose in the field
as well, and he goes to work immediately.

Watching this, the old bull starts snorting and pawing the ground with his
hooves. "You are wasting your time," says the farmer. "You are too old for that
sort of thing now.”

"I know,” says the old bull, "but I can show him I am not a cow, can't I?”

A lion is walking through the forest taking a poll to determine who is the
greatest among all the Wild animals. When he sees the hippopotamus, he
inquires, "Who is the king of the forest?”

"You are," says the hippopotamus.

Next he meets a giraffe. "Who is king of the forest?" he inquires. "You are," says
the giraffe.

Next he meets the elephant. He gives him a good rap on the knee and says,
"And who is the king of the forest?” The elephant picks him up in his trunk and
swings him against the tree.
As the lion slides down, brushing himself off, he says, "You don't have to get so
mad just because you don't know the right answer.”

The circus audience holds its breath as the crocodile trainer cracks his whip.The
crocodile opens its huge mouth and the trainer puts his arm inside it. He cracks
the whip again and the crocodile shuts its mouth with terrific force, but stops an
inch from the trainer’s arm. The audience gasps and then goes wild with
applause.

Next, the trainer takes out his prick, cracks his whip and the crocodile opens its
mouth. Then he puts his prick inside the crocodile's mouth and cracks the whip
again. The crocodile shuts its mouth with tremendous force, but again stops an
inch away. The crowd gasps as the trainer takes a huge wooden mallet and hits
the crocodile over the head as hard as he can. But still the animal won't bite. He
then cracks his whip, removes his unscratched prick and the crowd goes wild.

Then the trainer asks the audience if anyone else would like to try this trick. A
little old lady rushes in the ring and says, "Yes, yes, let me try! But please don't
hit me so hard with the hammer!”

The old farmer, plowing his fields with a pair of bulls, is asked by a neighbor
why he does not use oxen. "I don't want to use oxen," replies the farmer, "I want
to use bulls.”

"Well," continues the neighbor, "If you don't want to use oxen, why don't you
use horses?”

"I don't want to use horses!“ retorts the farmer, "I want to use bulls!”

"Well, perhaps," says the neighbor, “you could try using that new tractor your
son has just bought.”

"I don't want to use tractors, either, I want to use bulls,” snaps the farmer. "Why
do you only want to use bulls?" asks the neighbor at a loss. "Because," says the
old boy, "I don't want them to think that life is all romance.”

This is simply the situation in which you are born, in which you have been conditioned.
Nobody wants you to know that life is simply romance. And that is my crime - because that is
my whole teaching, that life is nothing BUT romance.
Farmer Giles decides to write his will. He calls his three sons and gives each one
a duck, with the instructions that whoever sells their duck for the most will
inherit the farm.

The first son goes to market and sells his duck for ten dollars.
The second son sells his duck to the neighboring farmer for fifteen dollars.
The third son, who is a bit of a dreamer, is carrying his duck to town when a
village girl approaches him and offers to make love with him if he gives her the
duck.

It turns out that they have such a good time together, she wants to give him back
the duck if he will make love with her again.

Weak at the knees from his experience, and wandering along the country lane
with his duck, the young man is knocked over by a car and the duck is killed.
The motorist jumps from his car and pushes a twenty dollar note into the young
man's hand, apologizing all the while for his careless driving.

The young man dusts himself off and arrives home, tired and tattered. Farmer
Giles asks him how he has got on. "Well," says the boy, "I got fucked for a duck,
I got a duck for a fuck, and I got twenty dollars for a fucked up duck.”

A young lady living in Canada receives a present from a friend in Mexico. It is a

tiny Chihuahua dog, the so-called Mexican hairless breed.

During the Canadian winter the tiny dog, who is used to tropical heat, begins to
shiver uncontrollably. No matter how many blankets she puts on it, the poor dog
can not get warm.

In desperation the girl jumps on her bicycle and pedals down to the village
drugstore. She asks the druggist if he could give her something to keep her
Chihuahua warm and maybe grow some hair on it.

The druggist blushes and says, “Miss, I think that is something you should see
your doctor about.”

The girl is about to leave when the man adds, “But I will tell you one thing,
miss, riding that bicycle is only going to make things worse.”

Becky Goldberg is becoming extremely upset and lonely, because all her
husband, Hymie does all day and all night is watch television.
So she goes to the pet shop to find a companion. "If you are looking for an
unusual pet," says the shop owner, "this cage contains a giant Goony bird,
whose beak and claws are capable of destroying anything.”

"How horrible," says Becky. “Not at all," the man replies. "The Goony bird is
remarkably well-behaved and completely obedient. He will only destroy
something if he is given the command, such as ‘Goony bird, the chair’, or
‘Goony bird, the table.’ Then he will fly into action.”

"Could he destroy a TV set?" asks Becky. "Of course," says the man. "He will
turn it into a pile of scrap in a matter of seconds”. So Becky buys the Goony
bird and takes him home. Sure enough, Hymie is in front of the TV, so she
opens the birds cage. Hymie looks up and says, "What sort of pet did you buy,
dear?”

"I bought a Goony bird," says Becky, preparing to give the command. Hymie
goes back to watching TV and says, "Goony bird, my ass!”

A man with a poodle goes into a bar. After ordering a drink, he tells the
bartender that he would like to buy some cigarettes. But the bartender replies
that they have run out. So the man says, "That's alright, I will just send my dog
across the street to get some.”

He reaches into his pockets for the money, and discovers that the smallest bill he
has is a twenty. He puts it in the dog’s mouth and tells the dog, "Boy, run across
the street and get me some cigarettes. And don't forget to bring the change.”

Immediately the poodle runs out the front door.

A man sitting at the bar says to the dog's owner, "Say, that dog is really
something!”

"Sure," says the man, "he can do all sorts of stuff. He is an amazing dog.” Just
then they hear the loud sound of tires screeching. The man runs out into the
street, and sees a car stopped right in front of his dog, who is making love to
another poodle, right in the middle of the road.

"Hey," says the man to his dog, "what is going on? You never did anything like
this before.”

The dog looks up at him and says, "I never had twenty dollars before.”
Swimming casually in the warm sea waters off the coast of Africa, are four
huge sharks - Jaws, Toothy, Munch, and Little Belch. The conversation naturally
turns to their favorite joy - eating.

"The best food in the world is found just nearAustralia," says Jaws, the biggest
shark. “The menu is full of young, sporting people with tender muscles and skin
well toasted by the sun.”

"Ah, that is okay," replies Toothy, the big white shark, "but an even better
delicacy can be found off the Canary Islands. The beaches are packed with fat,
oily German tourists. Just like butter melting on your tongue!”

"Not bad," interrupts Munch, the oldest shark. "In my long years of gobbling, I
find the summer waters off Miami Beach to be the ultimate in dining pleasure.
The place is filled with politicians with their giant livers soaked in rum or wine -
and no backbones!”

Then, old Munch turns to the youngster of the group, Little Belch. He hears a
strange sound coming from Belch's stomach, and asks, "Hey, kid! What is that
noise coming out of your belly? Where have you been eating?”

"Ah!" groans Belch, "I have got indigestion. I went for lunch yesterday off the
beach at Goa - and the strange people I ate there will not stop singing and
dancing!”

Mrs. Harris stands before the chimpanzee cage and watches in frozen horror as
one of the chimps picks up a peanut and places it in his rectum, then pulls it out
and eats it. The distraught woman rushes over to the zookeeper and says, "I
thought chimpanzees were supposed to be the most intelligent animal next to
man.”

“That’s right, lady," says the zookeeper.

"Then why is he doing that disgusting thing?" she cries.
"Well," says the keeper, “some kids were here yesterday and gave him peaches to
eat. He had trouble passing the pits, so now he checks everything for size.”

One morning, Gorgeous Gloria gets out of bed, slips into her robe, opens the
curtains, uncovers Pete the parrot, puts on the coffee pot, and the phone rings.
She answers the phone, and hears a deep voice say,
"Hi, gorgeous. My ship just hit port and I am coming right over!”

So Gloria takes the coffee pot off the stove, covers up Pete the parrot, closes the
curtains, takes off her robe, gets into bed, and hears Pete mutter, "Christ, what a
short day that was!"

8. DOCTORS
Before we enter into, not contemplation, but meditation. I don’t want you to be serious. I am so
against seriousness - it is a spiritual sickness.

Laughter is spiritual health. And laughter is very unburdening. While you laugh, you can put
your mind aside very easily. For a man who cannot laugh the doors of the buddha are closed.

To me, laughter is one of the greatest values. No religion has ever thought about it. They have
always been insisting on seriousness, and because of their insistence the whole world is
psychologically sick.

It is a bright Monday morning in downtown Santa Banana, California. Getting

ready for his first patients to arrive, is the neo-specialist in super-surgery, Doctor
Decapitate. Doctor Decapitate looks around at his modern, high-tech,
computerized, chromium-plated office, pushes a button, and in walks his first
patient, Porky Poke. "Doc!" cries Porky, his head wrapped in bandages.

“Ah! Don‘t tell me!" shouts Doctor Decapitate. "It is your head!”

"That is fantastic!" cries Porky. "How did you know?”

"I could tell immediately," replies Doctor Decapitate. "I have been in this
business for thirty years!” Then the doctor fiddles with some switches and
buttons on his computer, and cries, "There is no doubt about it - you have a
splitting migraine headache.”

"That is incredible!" says Porky. "I have had it all my life. Can you cure me?”

"Okay," says Decapitate, consulting his computer screen, "this may sound a little
drastic, but there is only one way I can help. I will have to remove your left
testicle.”

"My God! My left ball?" cries Porky. "Well, okay. I will do anything to stop this
headache!” So one week later, Porky Poke waddles out of Decapitate's private
surgery, missing his left nut, but feeling like a new man. "It is gone!" cries Porky,
trying to dance, but finding his movements painfully restricted. "My migraine is
gone!”

To celebrate the occasion, Porky goes directly to Moishe Finkelstein’s Tailoring

Boutique to get a whole new wardrobe of clothes.

Moishe takes one look at Porky and says, "You must be a size forty-two jacket.”
"That's right!" exclaim's Porky. "How did you know?”

"I could tell immediately,“ replied Moishe, "I have been in this business for
thirty years. And you wear a size thirty-six pants - with a thirty-four inch leg.”

“Amazing!” shouts Porky. "That is incredible.You are absolutely right!”

"Of course I am right," replies Moishe. "I have been doing this all my life. And
you take a size nine and a half shoe.”

"Unbelievable!" cries Porky. "That is exactly right.”

"And," says Moishe, "you wear a size four underwear.”

"No!" replies Porky. "You are wrong. I wear a size three.”

"That is not possible," snaps Moishe, taking a closer look. "You wear a size
FOUR underwear.”

"Ah no,I don't!" says Porky. "All my life I have worn size THREE!”

"Okay," says Moishe, "you can wear a size three - but it is going to give you a
terrible migraine headache!”

Gorgeous Gloria goes to have her eyes checked with Doctor Peek, the eye
specialist. "Doctor," says Gloria, anxiously, "I think I am going blind!” So
Doctor Peek gives Gloria a thorough check-up, but cannot find anything wrong.

"Your eyesight seems perfect to me," says Peek. "Twenty-twenty vision.”

"Yes, but you don't understand!" insists Gloria. "The problem happens every
time I make love.”

"Really?" says Doctor Peek, eyeing Gloria. "Well, in that case, I shall have to
make a more thorough examination!”

"Ah! Doctor!" says Gloria, taking off her clothes, and lying down on the couch.
"If you insist!” A few minutes later, Doctor Peek is huffing and puffing, and
Gloria is moaning and groaning. "I still don't see any problem," gasps Doctor
Peek. "Go on! Go on!" cries Gloria, moaning louder and louder.
Suddenly, Gloria lets out a loud, orgasmic shriek! "Now, doctor! NOW! I cannot
see a thing!”

Nancy Reagan is seriously ill, so Ronald sends for the doctor. The doctor dashes
into the sick-room and comes out a minute later, asking for a screw-driver.
Reagan is stunned, but too anxious to ask any questions, so he finds a
screwdriver.

Ten minutes later, the doctor pokes his head out and asks, "Have you got a
hammer?” Reagan is puzzled, but rushes around frantically and finds a
hammer.

Five minutes later, the doctor comes out stripped to the waist, sweat pouring
from his body, and says, "Have you got a hacksaw?” By now, Reagan is going
nuts. "For God's sake!" he screams. "First you wanted a screwdriver, then a
hammer, and now a hacksaw. What the hell are you doing to Nancy?”

"Nothing yet," says the doctor. "I can't get my bag open!”

One afternoon, Miss Pinkey Dickey, the librarian, comes into Doctor Chopoff ’s
office with a small growth on her cheek. Doctor Chopoff examines the little
blemish carefully, and then prescribes some green pills.

"There you are, Miss Dickey," says Chopoff. "If it is what I think it is, that
should take care of it.”

But two weeks later, Pinkey is back in the doctor's office. This time, a small
wooden twig has sprouted out of the growth on her cheek. “Hmmmm,
interesting," says Doctor Chopoff. "If it is what I think it is, THESE should take
care of it!" And he gives her a bottle of blue pills.

But two weeks later, Pinkey is back. This time the twig has grown into a branch
with leaves and flowers on it. The doctor examines it very carefully and then
says, "Hmmmm, interesting. If it is what I think it is, then these should take care
of it, for sure!” And he gives Pinkey a bottle of red pills.

But one month later, Miss Pinkey Dickey is back in Doctor Chopoff's office.
"Doctor!" she cries. "Look at me now!” The doctor is shocked to see Pinkey
barely able to get through the door because she now has a small tree growing
out of her head. “Hmmmm,” says Chopoff. "A rare and interesting case. If it is
what I think it is, these should certainly take care of it!" - and he hands her
some green and purple spotted pills.

For six months, Doctor Chopoff does not hear anything from Miss Dickey.
Then one day the door of his office bursts off its hinges and Pinkey Dickey
comes staggering in. The doctor cannot believe his eyes. He can hardly see
Pinkey underneath the huge apple tree, flowering bushes, large rocks and a
bubbling waterfall coming out of her head.

"Help me, doctor!" she cries. "What IS it?”

"Aha!" exclaim's Doctor Chopoff. "NOW I know What it is! It is a beauty spot!”

One morning the phone rings in the office of Doctor Shelby Nameless. "Good
morning," says Doctor Nameless, cheerfully.

"It may be a good morning for you," snaps Cherrie Chubbs, at the other end.
"But ever since you have been treating my husband, Buster, I have not had a
single good morning!”

"I am sorry to hear that, Mrs. Chubbs," says the doctor. "What seems to be the
problem?”

"Well," grumbles Cherrie, "before he came to you, he was a perfect husband

and father. But now he has become a rat. He used to tell me how pretty I am -
now he calls me an ugly old bitch! He used to love our family life, but now he is
critical about my housekeeping, hates the kids, and chases after any loose
woman who happens to walk by! I think you have been giving him hormone
injections which have completely altered his personality!”

"Hmm," says Doctor Nameless, "I want you to know, Mrs. Chubbs, that I have
not been giving your husband injections of any kind. All I did was fit him with a
pair of contact lenses!”

Grandpa Giggle is really worried about his health, and is waiting nervously in
the hallway at Hamchop Hospital while a team of eminent physicians gathers
together to consult about his case. All the doctors retire to another room to
discuss the old man's condition, but Grandpa has hidden his nephew, Little
Albert, in a closet in the room to listen. Then Albert is supposed to report to
him what the truth of the situation is.
After a few minutes, Albert escapes and runs back to the old man. “Quick,
Albert," asks Grandpa in a shaky voice, "what did those doctors say?”

"I cannot say for sure," reports Little Albert. "I listened hard, but they used such
big words, I can't remember much of it. But I do remember one thing.”

"Tell me!" cries Grandpa. "What is it?”

"Well," says Albert, "they said, ‘We will find out everything at the autopsy!”

Cherrie Chubbs is concerned about her husband Buster's impotence, but she
also realizes that he will never admit it as a problem. So one day she goes to see
her family physician, Doctor Hardong, who prescribes some medicine to raise
Buster's spirits.

Cherrie takes the prescription to the drugstore but unfortunately the pharmacist
misreads Doctor Hardong's handwriting. Instead of typing "FOUR
TEASPOONS" on the label, he types "FORTY TEASPOONS.”

Early the next morning, Cherrie Chubbs races into Doctor Hardong's office.
"What is the matter?" asks the doctor, looking up at the frantic Cherrie. "Did
not the medicine work?”

"It certainly did," smiles Cherrie, "but now I need the antidote so that they can
close his coffin!”

Mendel Kravitz goes to see Doctor Floss, the dentist. "Mr. Kravitz," says Floss,
"I am sorry to say you need a complete dental overhaul - side to side and top to
bottom. It will cost you five thousand dollars.”

“SORRY?” cries Mendel.“YOU'RE sorry? I'M sorry! Five thousand dollars? I

cannot afford that!”

"Well," says Floss, "I can recommend another dentist who is sure to be a lot
cheaper.” So Mendel goes along to see Doctor Decay who advises him that he
did this same job for Solly Saperstein.

“Just call Solly," says Doctor Decay, "and if you are satisfied with what he says,
we can arrange something for you.” Mendel phones Solly. "Ah, yes," says Solly.
"My teeth. Well, the dentist did the work some time ago.
About two years later I went to stay with my daughter in Hollywood. Yes, she is
married to a movie star - lots of money, you can imagine! They were living in a
posh hotel in Beverly Hills, with all the comforts. Lots to drink, a room of my
own, and I swam in the hotel pool every day. I had it to myself, and I used to
swim naked. How about that?”

"That's fine, Solly," says Mendel, "but what about your TEETH?”

"I am telling you!" replies Solly. "You asked me, and I am telling you! One day
when I was in the pool, a beautiful young girl dived in. And she had no clothes
on. She swam up close to me, I was so embarrassed, I did not know what to do.
But she kept smiling, and coming closer and closer. Then she put her hand on
my organ!”

"And THEN?" shouts Mendel. "Well, then," continues Solly, "for the first time
in two years my teeth stopped hurting!”

Bernie Baloney comes racing into the emergency room of the Hamchop
Hospital. "Excuse me, miss," he pants, as he reaches the receptionist, "but can
you tell me which ward Miss Fitz is in?"

"Miss Fitz? You mean Miss Fanny Fitz?" asks the receptionist. "The woman who
got run over by a steamroller this morning?”

"Right!" says Bernie. "Which ward is she in?”

"Well," explains the receptionist, "you will find her in wards eight, nine. and
ten!”

Doctor Geet, the dentist, begins to work on the teeth of a voluptuous young
woman. All of a sudden, he feels soft warm fingers slide up the inside of his
thigh, encircle his family jewels, and then gently squeeze them.

Doctor Geet stops his work. "Now that I have got your attention, doctor," says
the woman, smiling sweetly, "we are not going to hurt each other, are we?”

Herbert Hoop reaches the age of thirty-two and decides that it is time to take
out a life-insurance policy. He goes along to the Ripoff Insurance Agency and is
shown into the doctor's office for a complete physical examination.
After a thorough check-up, the doctor tells Herbert to get dressed. "All the tests
came out fine," says Doctor Bandaid. "But if you don't mind me making a
personal observation, you have absolutely the smallest prick I have ever seen.
Do you have any problems with it?”

"Well," says Herbert, "I have been married for ten years and we have two lovely
kids and a good sex life. The only problem I have with my prick is that I have
difficulty finding it in the daytime.”

"Really?" says Bandaid. "And what about at night?”

"That is no problem," replies Herbert. "Then there's two of us looking for it.”

Doctor Sniff takes his old friend, Fergus, to a charity dance at the deaf and
dumb college. The doctor warns Fergus that it is fine to dance with the young
ladies, but to remember that they cannot speak to him or hear what he says.

"But how will I ask one of the ladies to dance?" asks Fergus. "Oh, don't be
worried about that," replies Sniff. "You will manage okay.” So, armed with good
intentions, Fergus sees a nice-looking young girl sitting alone in the comer, and
he gallantly takes her by the hand and leads her onto the dance floor.

Half an hour later, he is still trying to work out how to excuse himself and go
and sit down for a rest. Just then, a young man walks over and speaks to the girl.
"Hey, Lucy!" he says, "when are you going to dance with me again? It has been
almost an hour since we last danced.”

"I know," replies Lucy, looking at Fergus, "but I don't know how to get rid of this
deaf and dumb idiot!”

It is the nurse's day off, so Doctor Bones sticks his head into the waiting room
and says, "Who‘s next?”

"Me, doc," says Kowalski, standing up. "What is your trouble?" asks Bones. "I've
got a pain in my prick," replies Kowalski. Bones grabs Kowalski by the arm and
drags him into his office. "Never do that again'!" he cries. "Especially when my
waiting room is full of people. Next time, just say that your nose or your eye is
troubling you!” A couple of weeks later, Kowalski comes back. It is the nurse's
day off again, so Bones sticks his head out of his surgery, and asks, “Who‘s
next?”
"Me, doc," says Kowalski, standing up. “What's the trouble?" inquires Bones.
"My nose is bothering me, doc," replies Kowalski. "What's wrong with it?" asks
Bones. “Well, doc," says Kowalski, "I can't piss out of it!”

This joke always reminds me about a SHANKARACHARYA who was speaking in Bombay.
A lady was sitting in the front, very rich, with a small child. And the child was continuously
telling her; “I want to piss! I wanna piss!”

And the SHANKARACHARYA was very much annoyed because he was talking about great
things. And everybody was laughing and suppressing their laughter, but the boy was very
insistent:

"You allow me, otherwise I will piss here! It is coming so strong!”

Finally the SHANKARACHARYA had to end his sermon more quickly. He took the lady
aside, and told her, "You have to teach some culture to the child. He disturbed the whole
spiritual sermon.”

The woman asked, "What can I do? He always insists on coming with me. And he cannot sit
for too long. So this question of, ‘I wanna piss!’ always comes.”

The SHANKARACHARYA said, "You should tell him that whenever you feel that you want
to piss, don't use the word ‘piss’. Just say, ‘Mom, I want to sing.’ And then you can take him
away to the bathroom; nobody will know what ‘singing’ is.”

A few months later the SHANKARACHARYA was staying in that lady's house itself. And
just by coincidence the lady said to the SHANKARACHARYA, “Some relative has died. I and
my husband have to go immediately and we may not be back by the morning. And the child is
accustomed to sleep with me or with his father. So if you don’t mind, can he sleep with you?”

The SHANKARACHARYA said, "There is no problem, he can sleep with me.”

But in the middle of the night the problem came. The child nudged the
SHANKARACHARYA and said, “I wanna sing!”

The SHANKARACHARYA said, "You idiot, in the middle of the night, you wanna sing?!
You disturb my sleep and you will disturb other people ’s sleep. Just keep quiet and go to sleep!”
But after a few minutes the boy nudged the SHANKARACHARYA again, and he said, “I’m
trying my best but the singing is coming very fast!” The SHANKARACHARYA said, “I have
never seen a singing that is coming so fast that you cannot wait for the morning.” He said,
“My God, till the morning! I cannot wait for even one minute! Just tell me can I sing or not?!”
The SHANKARACHARYA thought for a moment. There was nobody else to inquire what to
do, so he said, "You do one thing. You sing very silently into my ear, so nobody is disturbed.
Then be satisfied!”

The boy said, “If you say so I will do it! But don’t say anything about it to anybody! Not to
my mother, not to my father. Otherwise, I will get beaten!” He said, "Why will you get beaten?
Are you simply singing or doing something else?” He said “Pure singing!”

So the SHANKARACHARYA gave him his ear, and the boy “sang" in his ear! The
SHANKARACHARYA jumped up! He said, "You idiot! This is singing?!”

He said' "You have forgotten. It was you who suggested to my mother that instead of ‘I wanna
piss’, I should say ‘I wanna sing’. And now you are changing.” Then the
SHANKARACHARYA remembered, and he said, “My God, I will never change anybody's
word again.”

… Changing words is dangerous!

Doctor Skinbag’s patients keep calling him in the middle of the night. So, one
weekend, he has a talk with his wife, Sally. "Listen," says Skinbag, "I am
completely worn out. I need some peace and quiet. If any of my patients call,
just tell them that I am out of town at a medical meeting.”

That night, the phone rings at two o'clock. Sally Skinbag answers it, and tells
the caller that Doctor Skinbag is out of town. "But, Mrs. Skinbag, my grandad
is coughing and spluttering, and I don't know what to do!" says Mrs. Klutz, the
caller.

“Just a minute," says Sally, covering the phone, and asking Doctor Skinbag what
to tell Mrs. Klutz. "Tell her to put the old guy into his iron lung," says Skinbag.

"Mrs. Klutz," says Sally, into the phone, "put your grandad into the iron lung.”

"Oh, thank you, Mrs. Skinbag," replies Mrs. Klutz, "but for how long?”

“Just a minute," says Sally, as she turns to Skinbag again. "Tell her for half an
hour," says Skinbag. "Put him in for half an hour," repeats Sally into the phone.

"Oh, thank you," replies Mrs. Klutz. "But I just have one more question for you.
Is that guy you are in bed with also a doctor?”
Old Mrs. Swinger goes to see Doctor Gasbag for a medical checkup. “Mrs.
Swinger," says Gasbag, "you are sixty-five years old. Your health is perfect, but I
have one question for you. Your record here shows you as Mrs. Brooks, Mrs.
Goldstein, Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Jones. You have been married four times. But I
see you are still a virgin. I don't get it!”

”Oh," says the old lady, "it is easy. My first husband was a poet, so he only
DREAMED about it. Then I married a musician - he only PLAYED with it.
Then I married a weather forecaster - he always MISSED it. And finally, I
married a plumber. I've called him twenty times already, but he never shows
up!”

Fergus MacFish has an embarrassing accident doing yoga, and has to have his
testicles surgically removed. By chance, it just happens that the famous
transplant surgeon, Doctor Slasher, has a spare pair of gorilla balls in his
refrigerator.

After a long and tricky operation, the gorilla nuts are successfully transplanted
and Fergus makes a complete recovery.

Some years pass, and one day Fergus' wife, Phyllis, gives birth to their first child.
Fergus is thrilled and asks the nurse anxiously if it is a boy or a girl.

"We don't know yet," replies the nurse. "We can't get the hairy bastard off the
ceiling!"

Ronald Reagan has gone deaf, so he calls in the White House physician, Doctor
Spook, who immediately looks in the President's ear. ”Why do you have that
suppository in your ear?" he asks.

Reagan says nothing. "Why do you have that suppository in your ear?" shouts
Spook. "What?" replies Reagan. Doctor Spook pulls the suppository out of the
President's ear and shows it to him.

Reagan's face lights up. "A-ha!" he says, "now I know where I put my hearing
aid!”

General Brahmachapatti has been in Ruby Hall Clinic for a couple of weeks for
a minor operation. The nurses are fed up with him. He is always complaining
about the food and the service, waking up the nurses in the middle of the night,
demanding cups of hot chocolate, and so on.

One morning a nurse comes into his room and says, "Good morning, general.
Please take down your pajamas and turn over - I need to take your
temperature.”

"But nurse," protests the general, "I always have the thermometer in my mouth,
not my ass. Why this change?”

"This morning," explains the nurse, "we need a really accurate temperature, so
that the lab can make an analysis.” The general grumpily agrees, takes down his
pajamas, turns over, and raises his bum in the air.

"Now, general," says the nurse, making the insertion, "this is a special
thermometer and it needs to be left quite a long time to get an accurate result.
So don't move until I come back.”

In the next few hours many people come into the general's room, but all of
them just gasp, and leave quickly in embarrassment.

Finally, the general's wife comes to visit him. She walks in and stares at him in
amazement, not knowing what to say. "What is the matter with you, woman?"
thunders the general. "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature
taken before?”

"Yes, darling, I have,” stammers his wife, "but not with a banana!”

Mr. Smith is not well at all, so he goes to Doctor Bones for some tests. The next
day his wife comes in to pick up the results, but Bones is looking worried.

"I'm afraid, Mrs. Smith, there has been a mix-up," says Bones. "I had TWO Mr.
Smiths in here for tests yesterday: one has total loss of memory, and one has
AIDS - and I don't know which test belongs to your husband.”

"My God!" cries Mrs. Smith. "How can I find out?”

"Simple," says Bones, "send your husband out for a walk, and if he comes back,
don't fuck him!”
Donald Dickstein walks into an optician's office, carrying a cardboard box. He
hands it to the Optician who opens it and exclaims, "Wow! That's the biggest
turd I’ve ever seen!”

"Isn't it a beauty?" says Donald. "I did it myself.” The Optician is very
impressed and says, "It must be at least two feet long.”

"Twenty-five and a half inches, to be exact," boasts Donald. "And three inches
in diameter. "Incredible," says the optician. "How much does it weigh?”

"Two and a half pounds," is Donald’s proud reply. "That is simply amazing!"
exclaims the optician, unable to take his eyes off the magnificent specimen. "But
why bring it to me? I'm an Optician.”

"Well, you see," says Donald, "1 have this problem. Every time I do one of these
monsters, my eyes water!”

One night in Holland, an utterly drunk Dutch sailor is brought into the hospital,
totally unconscious. Nurse Holynose is given the task of taking care of him until
he recovers from the fight he has been in.

She begins to wash the blood from his face and notices under his shirt that his
body is covered with tattoos. Curious, she can't help but unbutton his shirt a
little for a further peek. Naked dancing women cover the sailor's chest
completely.

More curious, Nurse Holynose looks around to see that she is alone, then
undoes the sailor's trousers. Pulling them down, she is shocked to see that he is
really tattooed EVERYWHERE. Just then, Nurse Creamlips walks in.

Obviously flustered, Nurse Holynose says in surprise, "Oh, I was just washing
this disgusting man. But all these tattoos are too much for me. Could you take
over, please? And by the way, be careful. This filthy pervert has even tattooed
‘Adam' on his penis!” Then Holynose walks out.

Nurse Creamlips takes over the job enthusiastically. A little later, the two girls
meet in the hallway. "How did you get on with that horrible sailor?" asks
Holynose.

“Just fine," says Creamlips. "And by the way," she grins, "it doesn't say ‘Adam'
on his prick. It says: All the girls love me in Amsterdam!"
Three surgeons are in the pub, chatting about their experiences. The first one
says, "Once a guy came to me who had been in a car accident and lost both his
legs. But I fixed him up, and now he is an Olympic runner."

"Amazing!" says the second. "I had a patient once who had been hit by a train,
and his body was completely smashed. I gave him surgery, and today he is a
famous dancer."

"That's nothing," says the third. "A guy came to me who was a bomb-disposal
expert.

One day a bomb went off and all they found was an asshole and a pair of false
teeth… and today he is the president of America!"

Doctor Letch, the school physician, is examining the young, shapely school-girl.
He picks up his stethoscope and placing it very carefully near the sweet young
thing’s heart, he says, "Big breaths."

The young girl smiles coyly and replies, "Yeth, and I am not even thickthteen
yet!”

Dr. Bones is doing his monthly turn at the Infant Welfare Clinic. It has been a
very busy day and Bones has just about had enough. A woman with a baby is
next in line and she is shown into the doctor's office by the nurse in charge.
Bones examines the baby, and then asks the woman, "Is he breast-fed or bottle-
fed?" "Breast-fed," she replies.

"Strip down to the waist," orders Bones. She does and he examines her. He
presses each breast, increasing and decreasing pressure. He squeezes and pulls
each nipple. Suddenly he remarks, "No wonder this Child is so thin - you don't
have any milk!”

"Naturally," she replies. "I am his AUNT! But I am glad I came!"

Doctor Feelgood is in the habit of smoking huge cigars in his office. Nobody
likes it, but nobody complains, because he has been doing it for years. One day,
a pregnant woman comes into his office. "Hello, Mrs. Lovejoy," says Feelgood.
"I see you are pregnant again. How many kids will it be now?”
"This will be my fourteenth," replies Mrs. Lovejoy, "My God!“ cries Feelgood,
almost choking on his cigar. "Why on earth do you have so many children?”

"Well," says Mrs. Lovejoy, "I love my husband very much.”

"And I love my cigar," replies Feelgood. "But I take it out of my mouth once in
a while!”

Hymie Goldberg is in Doctor Bones office for some tests. “Mr. Goldberg," says
Doctor Bones, "even though you are a very sick man, I think I will be able to
pull you through."

"Doctor," cries Hymie, “if you do that, when I get well, I will donate five
thousand dollars for your new hospital.”

Months later, Bones meets Hymie in the street. "How do you feel?" he asks.
"Wonderful, doctor, just fine!" says Hymie. "Never felt better!" "I have been
meaning to speak to you," says Bones. "What about the money for the new
hospital?”

"What are you talking about?" says Hymie.

"You said," replies Bones, "that if you got well, you would donate five thousand
dollars for the new hospital.”

"I said that?" asks Hymie. "That just shows how sick I was!"

Young Dr. Dagburt goes out with Dr. Bones to observe him on home visits. "I
will conduct the first two," says Bones. "Watch closely, then YOU give it a try.”

At the first house, they are met by a distressed man. "My Wife is having terrible
stomach cramps," he says.

Dr. Bones does a brief examination, then gets on his hands and knees and looks
under the bed.

"Madam," says Bones, "you must cut out your ridiculous intake of sweets and
chocolate, and you will be well in a day." Dagburt peeks under the bed and sees
candy wrappers littering the floor. On the next call they are met by a distraught
Becky Goldberg.
"It is Hymie, doctor!" she cries. "He was very forgetful all day yesterday, and
today he has been falling over a lot. When I put him to bed, he passed out."
Examining Hymie, Bones gets down on the floor and looks under the bed. "It is
a very simple problem," Bones says to Hymie. "You are drinking too much!"

Young Dr. Dagburt sneaks a look under the bed and sees seven empty gin
bottles. At the third house, it is Dagburt's turn. He rings the doorbell and there
is a long delay before a flushed young woman answers.

"Your husband asked us to call," says Dagburt. "He said you were not yourself
this morning, and asked us to give you an examination." So they go upstairs,
and the woman lies down. Dagburt examines her and then he looks under the
bed.

"Okay," he concludes, "I prescribe you a dairy-free diet and you will be fine."

As they are leaving, Bones is puzzled and asks, "How did you reach that
conclusion about the dairy-free diet?"

"Well," says Dagburt, "I followed your example and looked under the bed -
where I found a milkman!”

Old man Finkelstein manages to get a date with his secretary, the luscious Miss
Willing, but is worried about his aging equipment. So he goes to see Dr. Bones
and asks for something to restore his youthful vigor.

Bones gives him two pills and says, "Take these with your dinner tonight and
you will be able to perform like a bull.” So Fink and Miss Willing go to the best
restaurant in town and when they have ordered their soup, Fink calls the waiter
aside and says, "Put these pills into my soup before you serve it.”

The waiter disappears. They wait for half an hour and still the soup has not
been served, so Fink angrily calls the waiter and says, "What the hell has
happened to our soup?”

"I am sorry, sir," replies the waiter, "but I put the pills into your soup and now I
am waiting for the noodles to lie down again.”

During their tour of Europe, Ronald and Nancy Reagan are visiting Ireland.
One day, Nancy makes a discreet visit to the office of doctor Rattle O’Bones.
"How may I help you?" asks the doctor graciously. "Well," begin's Nancy,
hesitantly, "it is a delicate matter.”

"Do not worry, Mrs. Reagan," says O'Bones. "You can be frank with me and I
will be frank with you.”

"Very well," says Nancy Reagan. "Since coming on this tour, with all the
different foods, my stomach is always full of gas. And although the gas has no
smell and makes no noise, I find it quite embarrassing. Whoops! she says,
smiling sheepishly, "there goes another one!”

The doctor tries to cover his nose discreetly. Then he pulls some pills from his
desk drawer and scribbles furiously on his notepad. "Here," he says to Nancy
Reagan, "this is an appointment with a leading specialist, and these pills should
help restore your sense of smell!”

Fiona Feelgood goes to see Doctor Bones for an examination. "Get undressed,"
says Bones. "Please, Doctor," says Fiona, "turn out the lights.”

"Come on now, Miss Feelgood," says Bones, "1 am a doctor.”

"Turn out the lights," snaps Fiona. So Bones turns out the lights. Two minutes
later, Fiona says, "Doctor, where shall I put my clothes?”

"Over here," says Bones, "on top of mine!”

The funeral procession is about to drive into the cemetery on top of the hill,
when suddenly, the back door of the hearse swings open. The coffin rolls slowly
out and falls with a crash on the road.

The funeral director leaps out of the car and tries to stop the coffin, but it
begins to slide down the hill. Faster and faster it goes, until it reaches the bottom
of the hill, where it hits a lamppost.

The lid falls off and the corpse goes flying through the air to land face up on the
drugstore counter. "For God's sake," croaks the corpse, "give me something to
stop this coffin…!”

Doctor Floss, the dentist, has his office on the fiftieth floor of a huge office
building. One morning he and his assistant, Miss Pringle, are busy pulling a
man's tooth, when a sharp cry from outside causes them to look up. They rush
to the window just in time to see a good friend of theirs go hurtling past.

A couple of moments later, someone bursts in the office, shouting, "Hey, did you
hear about Rufus Ramsbottom? He just jumped off the roof and fell sixty
stories. He is lying down there in the street now, and he looks pretty bad!”

"That's funny," says Floss, "we saw him go by just a minute ago and he looked
fine.”

Fanny goes to her dentist and complains about a toothache. "Is it VERY
painful?" asks Doctor Floss, adjusting the chair. "Yes, it is," replies Fanny.

"All right, Miss Pringle," says Floss, turning to his assistant, "you can leave us
now.” Miss Pringle goes out quietly, and the dentist and his patient are left
alone.

"Darling!" says Floss, embracing his patient, "we can't go on meeting like this!”

"But why not?" wails Fanny. "Because," says Floss, "you have only got one tooth
left!”

A man with a weight problem goes to see his doctor. "I want to lose weight," he
says, "but it is no good giving me a diet. I have tried them before and they never
worked.”

"The only thing I can suggest," says Doctor Bones, scratching his nose, "is a
rather unusual Indian technique, using exercising only. No diet. So you can eat
anything you like. But, what you have to do, is have wild, passionate, sexual
intercourse at least four times a night. Okay? Come back and see me in a
month.”

A month goes by and the patient returns. "How much weight have you lost?"
asks Bones. "About two pounds," replies the man. "And how many times did
you have sex this month?" continues Bones. "Fifteen times," replies the patient.

"My God!" cries Bones, "that is not good enough!”

"Maybe not," replies the man, "but it is pretty good for a Catholic priest in a
small town!”
Doctor Pinchbottom, the White House medical man, is giving the president and
the first lady their annual checkup. The doctor examines Ronald Reagan first,
and finds him to be in good health for a man in his condition.

"And how do you feel?" asks Pinchbottom. "Great," replies Reagan, "Life is so
great that even when I go to the bathroom at night, God turns on the light for
me.”

Doctor Pinchbottom is puzzled but does not say anything, and starts examining
Nancy Reagan. When he is finished, he asks her, "Tell me, is it true about God
turning on the bathroom light for Ronald at night?”

"Oh, no!" says Nancy, "he is just pissing in the fridge again.”

Old Mrs. Grumblebum goes every day to visit her doctor. The doctor - a very
patient man - humors her, listens quietly and sometimes gives her medicines.
One day Mrs. Grumblebum doesn't show up. The next day the doctor asks,
"Where were you yesterday? I missed you.” To tell you the truth," she replies, "I
was sick!”

Barbara Bustline is about to undergo a minor operation. She has been prepared
and wheeled along the corridor to the doors of the operating room, where the
nurse leaves her to check if the surgery staff are ready. The nurse has just left,
when a young man in a white coat comes up to the trolley. Lifting the sheet, he
begins to examine Barbara's naked body very carefully. Then he nods
reflectively and walks away.

Then a second man in a white coat comes along, lifts the sheet and examines
her too. But when a third man, similarly dressed, comes along and does the
same, Barbara becomes impatient. "It is all very well examining me," she says
irritably, "but when are they going to start the operation?”

"I have no idea," replies the man, "we are just painting the corridor.”

Dennis Dork goes to Doctor Dingle with a painful case of tennis elbow. "Okay,"
says Dingle. “Take this bottle home, fill it with a urine sample and return it to
me immediately.”

"A urine sample?" cries Dork. "How is that going to help my bad elbow?”
"Don‘t argue," says Dingle, "I am the doctor. Just do it!”

So Dork goes home, determined to make a fool of the doctor. First, he gets his
wife to piss in the bottle, then his daughter. Then he goes to his car and puts a
bit of engine oil in the bottle. And finally, he goes mm the bathroom and jerks
off into it.

He returns the sample to Doctor Dingle and goes back the next morning for the
results. "Well, Mr. Dork," says Dingle.

"Four things to tell you: first, your wife is pregnant; second, your daughter has
V.D.; third, your car is about to blow a piston. And last, your elbow will never
get better if you don't stop jerking off !”

Hannibal Hayne is in Doctor Feelgood's office for his annual checkup. "You
won’t live out the week," says the doctor, “if you don't stop running around after
women.”

"But Doc, there is nothing the matter with me," says Hannibal, pounding his
chest with his fist, "I am in great physical shape.”

"Yes, I know," replies Doctor Feelgood, "but one of the women is my wife.”

There was a man who had an extremely large penis and a very bad stutter.
Every time he met a woman he stuttered so badly that he finally went to visit a
physician. After an examination the doctor says, “Well, I can see what your
problem is: the weight of your penis is so great that it is pulling on your vocal
cords and causing you to stutter. I'm afraid I must remove ten inches to cure
you.” The poor man was so desperate that he agreed to undergo the surgery
immediately. The operation was a total success and he began to meet many
women, who all found him very charming. However, once in bed, they were
very disappointed with his diminished apparatus. Finally he goes back to the
doctor and says, "Look Doc, you were absolutely right. You have cured my
stuttering, but I need to have some of my penis back.” After a moment of
silence the doctor says, “Er…, er…, s-s-sorry, but that is im-im-impossible!”

Gorgeous Gloria goes to the doctor, afraid that she has gangrene because of two
small, green spots, one on each of her thighs. The doctor examines her carefully
and then tells her it is not gangrene and she has nothing to worry about.
"But by the way," he asks Gloria as she is leaving, "is your boyfriend a gypsy?”

"Yes," replies Gloria, "as a matter of fact he is.”

"Well," says the doctor, "tell him that his earrings are not gold.”

After ten years in the army, the men are sent for a medical check. The soldiers
strip off their clothes and enter the doctor's office one by one. The doctor puts
his stethoscope on the first man's chest and says, "Sophia Loren.”

The man's heart beats quickly - BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"RaquelWelch," says the doctor. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"Your wife," says the doctor. Boom.

"Perfectly normal," announces the doctor. "Go and stand over there.”

The next man is examined in the same way.

"Marilyn Monroe," says the doctor. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"Your wife" - complete silence. "Good," says the doctor, "go and stand with the
other man.”

The next man comes for the examination.

"Sophia Loren," says the doctor. Boom… boom… boom…
"Brigitte Bardot," tries the doctor. Boom… boom… boom…
"Your wife," says the doctor. Boom.
"Strange," says the doctor, "but still you are quite normal. Anyway, go and stand
with the other men.” BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

Solomon Rabinowitz goes to his doctor to have a checkup. The doctor says,
"For a man of eighty-seven you are doing well. Why a checkup?” Solly explains
that he is going to marry a girl of twenty.

He will not be dissuaded, so the doctor's final advice is, "Then if you hope for a
fruitful marriage, take a lodger as well.”

When they meet again after eight months the old man says, "Congratulate me,
Doctor, my wife is pregnant.” The doctor pauses for a moment, and then says,
"Ah yes, so you took my advice and had a lodger as well?”

"Of course," gun‘s Solly through his toothless gums. "She is pregnant too.”
Hannibal Hayne wakes up one morning and sees that his male member is
covered in purple stripes. He rushes to see his doctor who tells him that
immediate amputation is vital. The distressed Hannibal rushes out of the door
muttering that he wants a second opinion. The second doctor takes one look at
the candy-striped organ and tells Hannibal the same thing, “It has to be
amputated.” Poor Hannibal, not knowing what to do, goes to seek the advice of
Wu, the Chinese master of healing. The wrinkled old man says, "No need for
surgery. In two weeks the ploblem will be solved.”

“Wow!” cries Hannibal. "You mean I will be cured?”

"No," says Wu. "Plick will dlop off by itself.”

When Doctor Bones has finished his examination of Betty Boobs, he looks up
and says brightly, "Mrs. Boobs, I have good news for you.”

"I'm glad of that, doctor," says Betty, "But I am MISS Boobs.”

"Miss Boobs," says Bones, without changing expression, “I have bad news for
you.”

Chester Cheese telephones the family doctor and says that his teenage son has
come down with gonorrhea. "He told me," continues Chester, "that he has not
had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to be her.”

"Don't worry so much," advises Doctor Chopoff. "These things happen.”

"I know, doctor," says Chester. "But I have to admit that I have been to bed with
her myself, and I seem to have the same symptoms.”

"That is unfortunate," says Chopoff. "Not only that,” says Chester, “I think I
have passed it on to my wife.”

“Jesus Christ!” cries Chopoff. "That means we all have it!”

Dennis Dork walks into Doctor Dingle’s office looking terrible."I have got
insomnia really bad," complains Dennis. "Insomnia is insomnia," snaps Dingle.

"How bad can it be? What do you mean by saying really bad insomnia’?"
"Well," says Dennis, "I have got it REALLY bad. I can't even sleep when it is
time to get up.

Teddy Bearson is making his first visit to Doctor Bones. "And whom did you
consult about your illness before you came to me?" Bones enquires. "Only the
druggist down at the corner," replies Teddy. "And what sort of ridiculous advice
did that fool give you?" demands Bones. "He told me," replies Teddy innocently,
"to see you.”

Grandma Babblebrain is in her eighties. She tires easily, has little appetite, and
is sometimes confused mentally. Her son, Boris, calls the doctor, who arrives
shortly and is shown up to Grandma's room, where he gives her a thorough
physical examination. Half an hour later he comes down. "There is no need to
worry," he explains. "There is nothing really wrong with her except her age. She
will be alright.” Boris is very relieved and goes upstairs to see her. "Well,
grandma," he asks, "how did you like the doctor?”

"So that was the doctor?" says Grandma. "My god, I thought he acted very
familiar for a priest.”

Hymie Goldberg loses a lot of money on the stock market and is in a terrible
state. He goes to visit Doctor Decapitate. "Doctor, doctor,” cries Hymie, “my
hands won't stop shaking.”

"Tell me," says the doctor, "do you drink a lot?”

"I can't," says Hymie, "I spill most of it.”

"I see," says Decapitate, and then proceeds to give Hymie a thorough
examination. When he has finished he says, "Tell me, do you get a tingling in
your arms, aches in your knees and sudden dizzy spells?”

"Yes," replies Hymie, "that's exactly what I get.”

"That's funny," says Decapitate, "so do I… I wonder what it is!” Then the
doctor refers to his notes for several minutes before looking up and saying, "Tell
me, have you had this before?”

"Yes," says Hymie, "I have.”

"Well, there you are then," replies Decapitate, pressing the buzzer for the next
patient. "You have got it again’!"

There is a big meeting of the medical society in honor of an ear specialist who
is retiring after more than fifty years of service. As a gift, they present him with a
big golden ear. He stands up to make a speech, and after the applause has died
down, he looks at his gift and says, "Thank god I was not a gynecologist!”

Sally Goldberg goes to the doctor to ask for some help in losing weight before
her wedding day. He prescribes a course of slimming pills for her. A few days
later she returns to his office. "These pills have awful side effects," she says
worriedly. "They make me feel terribly passionate and I get carried away. Last
night I actually bit off my boyfriend's ear.”

"Don't worry," says the doctor, "an ear is only about sixty calories.”

Two tramps are lying on adjacent benches. One of them is reading an old
newspaper. "It says here in a health report that you can exercise over one
hundred muscles when you laugh.”

"That's typical," replies his friend, "those health nuts take the fun out of
everything.”

Old man Finkelstein is determined not to grow old and senile. He hears about a
clinic in Switzerland that claims to be able to make you younger. So he packs his
bags and leaves on the next plane. At the clinic he is given hormonal injections,
blood transfusions, animal implants and everything else that the medical
profession can devise. On his last day at the clinic, the doctor visits him.

"Well, Mr. Finkelstein, that's the end of the treatment," he explains. "No more
painful injections, no more operations. However, we have to do one or two more
tests, so you won't be able to go home tomorrow, you will have to stay one more
day.”

At this old Finkelstein breaks down and begins to cry. "What is wrong?" asks the
doctor. "Are you in pain?”

"No," sobs old Fink, "but what will Mummy say if I am late back to school?”
A guy lying in a hospital bed, coming around from an anesthetic, wakes up to
find the doctor sitting beside him. "I have got bad news and good news for you,"
says the doctor. "Would you like the bad or good first?”

"Aaagh," groans the guy, "tell me the bad.”

"Well," says the doctor, "we had to amputate both your legs above the knee.”

"Aaagh," groans the guy, "that's really bad.”

After recovering from the shock, he asks the doctor for the good news.

"Well," says the doctor, "the man in the next bed would like to buy your
slippers!”

A man approaching retirement went along to see the company doctor for one
final checkup. To his horror the doctor said, "I don't know quite how to put this,
but your heart is on its last legs and you have only got six months to live.”

"Is there nothing I can do?" asked the shocked man. "Well," said the doctor,
"you can give up alcohol, and cut out smoking. Don't eat rich foods, no dancing,
and don't even think about sex!”

"And this will make me five longer?" the man asked hopefully.

"No," replies the doctor, "it will just SEEM longer!”

Hymie Goldberg goes for his weekly visit to the doctor and says, "Doc, I snore
so loudly that I keep myself awake. What can I do?” The doctor rolls his eyes
and says, "Why don't you try sleeping in another room?”

The concerned doctor is trying to convince the patient that he is overweight.

"Now just step on the scales," says the doctor.

“There... you see? Now look at this chart and compare your weight with the
average weight for your height. You are way overweight.”

“No, I am not," says the patient. "I am just six inches too short.”
A man goes into a pharmacy and buys a pound of arsenic poison. Next week he
comes back and asks for a packet of sleeping pills. "I'm sorry, sir," says the
pharmacist, "but you need a prescription for them.”

"My God!" says the man. "Last week you sold me a pound of arsenic poison
and I did not need a prescription for that.”

"I know," replies the pharmacist, "but arsenic is not addictive.”

Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside

the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the
floor when the nurse comes out and says, "You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but
you had better go and have a cup of coffee, because there might be another
one." Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.

Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he is the father of twins,
but the nurse cautions, "There is another on the way, so call back later.” At that
Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough so he goes to a bar and has
some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has
arrived and a fourth is on the way.

White-faced, he stumbles up to the barman and orders a double scotch. Twenty

minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong
number and gets the recorded cricket score. When they pick him off the floor
the recording is still going strong:

"The score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last one was a duck.”

The doctor congratulates the young girl lying on his examination table.

"Go home," he says, "and tell your husband to prepare for a baby.”

"But I don't have a husband," the girl replies.

"Then go home," says the doctor, "and tell your lover.”

"But I don't have a lover," says the girl. "I have never had a lover.”

"In that case," says the doctor, "go home and tell your mother to prepare for the
second coming of Jesus Christ!”
A doctor received an urgent phone call. "Doctor," said the voice. "My wife
swallowed my fountain pen two hours ago.”

"Why did not you phone me sooner?" asked the doctor.

"I have been using my pencil up to now" replied the husband, "but the lead has
broken and I don't have a sharpener.”

A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have some bad
news and some worse news," says the doctor. "The bad news is that you have
only twenty-four hours to live.”

"Ah, no!" says the patient, "What could possibly be worse than that?” The
doctor answers, "I have been trying to reach you since yesterday!”

A famous surgeon went on safari to Africa. When he came back his colleagues
asked him how it had been. “Ah, it was very disappointing, " he said, "I didn't
kill a thing. I would have been better off staying here in the hospital!”

Mrs. Pomeroy’s maid becomes so sick one afternoon that Mrs. Pomeroy gets
worried. "Please, let me put you in my bed” she says, “until I can get our family
doctor here to examine you.” When the physician arrives, Mrs. Pomeroy shows
him into the bedroom, then leaves him alone to examine the maid.

"Doctor,I am not sick at all," confesses the maid, "I am faking it. That old
tightwad owes me three months back salary, and I am not getting out of her bed
until she pays me.” The doctor's face suddenly brightens. "Hell," he says, "she
owes me for my past ten visits here.” He then pops a thermometer into his own
mouth and says to the maid, "Move over.”

An old man had gone to the doctor. He was feeling very weak and it looked
almost as if his story was coming to an end. The doctor said, "There is not
much that I can do. I can only give you a suggestion: cut your sex life in half.”
The old man said, "Okay, which half - thinking or talking?”

The madam watches anxiously as Gloria, her best girl, is about to be wheeled
into the operating room for a heart transplant. She grasps the surgeon by his
sleeve and asks, "What are her chances for recovery, Doc?”
"Ah, pretty good, I would say," replies the doctor. "After all, she has not rejected
an organ in twenty years.”

A little pygmy living in the jungle in Africa gets a sore ass every time it rains. He
goes to the witch doctor who offers him a cure which costs six chickens. The
pygmy catches the six chickens and receives an ointment from the witch doctor.
The next time it rains the ointment does not work, so the pygmy returns to the
witch doctor. This time the witch doctor says that he will need a dozen chickens
to make the cure. With much effort the pygmy catches a dozen chickens and he
is given some medicine by the witch doctor. When it rains again the pygmy takes
the medicine, but he still has a sore ass. So he goes to the missionaries. They
cure him for nothing, and the witch doctor becomes very embarrassed.

The pygmy offers to tell the witch doctor how he was cured, but says it will cost
him eighteen chickens.The witch doctor catches the eighteen chickens and
hands them over. "Okay," he says, "How did the missionaries stop you from
getting a sore ass each time it rains?”

"The method is very simple," says the pygmy. "They cut the tops off my rubber
boots.”

Moishe Finkelstein, at his annual checkup, is given a clean bill of health.

"It must run in your family," comments the doctor.

"How old was your dad when he died?”

"What makes you think that he is dead?" asks Moishe. "He is ninety and going
strong.”

"Aha, and how long did your grandfather, old man Finkelstein, live?”

"What makes you think that he is dead, Doc?" replies Moishe. "He is a hundred
and ten years old and getting married to a twenty-two year old next week.”

"At his age?" exclaim's the doctor.

"Why does he want to get married to a twenty-two year old?”

"Doc," says Moishe, "what makes you think he wants to? He HAS to!”
The young doctor, inexperienced with operations, is instructed to stand at the
head of the patient so that without getting in the way, he can watch the expert
do an abdominal operation. He is also instructed not to speak, but after a while
he can't resist. "How's your end, sir?" says the young man. "All right," says the
expert, looking up, “why?”

"I only wondered, sir," says the young man, "because my end's been dead for ten
minutes.”

It is Ruthie Finkelstein’s third visit to Doctor Bones for a cure from her cold.
"Doctor," she complains, "nothing you have given me has been of any use.
Moishe complains that I keep him awake all night with my cough. Can you do
something - anything to cure me?”

"Okay," Bones replies, "go home and have a hot bath and without drying
yourself stand in the nude where there is a strong draft.”

”Really," sniffs Ruthie, "Will that cure me?”

"No," replies Bones, "but it will give you pneumonia, and I can cure
pneumonia.”

When the pills that Hymie is taking do not work, the doctor has to take more
drastic action. "These are extra strong pills, Mr. Goldberg," the doctor advises
him. "Take one on Monday, skip Tuesday, one Wednesday, skip Thursday, and
so on. I will come round next week to see you.” When the doctor calls, he is met
by a weeping Becky Goldberg.

"He's dead," she cries. "What!" says the doctor in surprise.

"There was very little wrong with him. The pills should have cleared it up.”

"It was not the pill's," wail's Becky. "It was all the skipping.”

Doctor Chopoff finishes the examination of his patient Hannibal Hayne. "You
are in perfect health, Mr. Hayne, your heart, lungs, blood pressure, cholesterol
level everything is fine.”

"Splendid," says Hannibal. "I will see you next year," says Chopoff.
They shake hands, but as soon as Hannibal has left the room, the doctor hears a
loud crash. He opens the door and there, flat on his face, lies Hannibal Hayne.
The nurse cries, "Doctor, he just collapsed. He fell down like a rock.” Chopoff
feels his heart and says, "My God, he is dead.” He then puts his hands under
the corpse's shoulders. "Quick," says the quack, "take his feet!”

"What?" cries the nurse. “For God's sake," snaps Chopoff, "let's turn him
around. We have to make it look like he was coming in!”

A medical student is taking a test, and one of the questions is, "Name the three
best advantages of mother's milk.” The student immediately writes:

1. It has all the healthful nutrients needed to sustain a baby.

2. It is inside the mother's body, and therefore protected from germs and
infections. But the student can't think of the third answer. He tries hard,
and finally he writes:
3. It comes in such nice containers.

A man has been bitten by a dog, but does not give it much thought until he
notices that the wound is taking a remarkably long time to heal.

Finally he consults a doctor who takes one look at the wound and orders the dog
brought in. Just as the doctor suspected, the dog has rabies. Since it is too late to
give the patient a serum the doctor feels he has to prepare him for the worst.

The poor man sits down at the doctor's desk and begins to write.The physician
tries to comfort him. "Perhaps it won't be so bad," he says. "You needn't make
out your will right now.

"I'm not making out my will or anything," replies the man. "I'm just writing out
a list of people I'm going to bite.”

This is awareness. Even in such a bad situation he is not identified with the body or death or
anything. He is calm and cool and writing a list of the people in the city, all of whom at least
he will bite before dying.

A very alert mind, a very centered being.


9. LAWYERS
The whole science of the joke is that it takes you toward a certain height of expectation, step by
step, and then suddenly there is such a turn that you had never expected. Your whole tension
that was gathering explodes into laughter. It will be better to tell you a joke…

If the end comes in such a way that you were not expecting - you could not have figured out
that it will end in such a way - it brings a sudden laughter. It is a release of tension.

Boris Babblebrain, the prosecuting attorney, is striding up and down the

courtroom in front of the glamorous blonde witness, Gorgeous Gloria. "Is it
true," rants Babblebrain, "that on the tenth of July you committed adultery in a
snowstorm, while lying across the top of a motorbike being driven by a one-
legged dwarf who was also waving the Polish national flag?”

Gloria looks unblinkingly into Babblebrain's eyes, and calmly says, "What was
the date again?”

George is watching a TV show, when it is interrupted by a special bulletin.

"Good evening," the announcer says. "The directors of the National Institute of
Health have announced that, as of today, they will no longer be using rats in
their experiments. Instead they will use lawyers. The chief director gave three
reasons for the change:
First - there are more lawyers than rats.
Second - the lab technicians don't get as attached to lawyers as they do to rats.
And Third - there are just SOME things that rats won't do!”

At a chic cocktail party in Hollywood, Sheikh Ali Baba, the fabulously rich oil
millionaire, meets Brenda Babblebrain and falls madly in love with her.

Sheikh Ali Baba approaches her husband, Boris, the lawyer, and leads him into
a quiet corner. "I must sleep with your wife," says Ali Baba, "and in return, I will
pay you her weight in gold.”

Boris hesitates, and then he insists that he will need a few days. "To think the
deal over?" asks Ali Baba, anxiously. “No, no!" cries Boris, "to fatten her up!”

Boris Babblebrain, the clever lawyer, is pointing at the man in the dock. "And
Miss willing, is THIS the man," screams Boris, "who you claim violated you,
and forcibly took advantage of your hot, naked, helpless, female body?”
"Yes! Yes!" shouts Miss Willing, excitedly. "That is the man who did it to me!”

"And please tell the court," continues Babblebrain, his nose in the air as he
strides over to the jury, "just when did this carnal and erotically perverse act
occur?”

"Yes, sir," replies Miss Willing. "As I remember, it was last June… and July, and
August!”

Father Finger has a little trouble with a sixteen-year-old blonde and the police.
He goes immediately to see his lawyer, Boris Babblebrain. "If you win the case
for me," says Finger, "I'll give you a thousand dollars.”

"Okay," agrees Babblebrain, "get some witnesses.” Father Finger searches

around his parish and manages to find two old drunks and a hag lady for his
witnesses. They tell the right story, and he wins the case.

"I won your case for you," says Babblebrain. "Now, what about my thousand
dollars?”

"Okay," replies Father Finger, "get some witnesses!”

Paddy’s wife Maureen has had it. She goes to see her attorney, Boris
Babblebrain, and tells him she wants a divorce.

"Very well, Mrs. Murphy," says Babblebrain, "what are your grounds?”

"Grounds?" asks Maureen. "What are grounds?”

"You know," says Babblebrain, "your reason. You have to have a reason for
getting a divorce.”

"Reason?" says Maureen. "Really? What sort of reason?”

"Well," says Babblebrain patiently, "for example, one reason would be if your
husband does not give you enough money.”

"Pah," snorts Maureen, "give me money? I give HIM money.”

"Okay," says Babblebrain, "what about cruelty then? Does he beat you?”
"Pah," snorts Maureen again, "beat me? I beat HIM.”

"Ah," says the lawyer, "so what about infidelity? Is he faithful to you in love?”

"That's it!" cries Maureen. "That's how we get him. I know for a fact that he is
not the father of our third child.”

It is Christmas Eve, and the Babblebrain family have invited Father Fumble, the
local priest, to join them. They are all sitting around the dining-room table
about to start their Christmas dinner. Suddenly, Grandpa Babblebrain claps his
hand over his mouth and then lets out an enormous sneeze.

Everybody is horrified as they see a slimy spray fly out of his nose and descend
over the beautifully prepared food. There is a stony silence, but nobody says
anything, except Father Fumble, who mumbles a small prayer.

Five minutes later, Grandpa clutches his mouth again and lets fly another
tremendous sneeze. More green spray covers the table to everyone's disgust and
Father Fumble crosses himself.

"Grandad!" whispers Boris loudly. "Please cover your NOSE when you sneeze.”
"Okay," mumbles Grandpa, "if that's what you want.” Seconds later, Grandpa
feels another huge sneeze coming, so this time, he grasps his nose with his hand.
Everybody sees it coming and they close their eyes in anticipation. Grandpa
sneezes with a loud explosion. When everybody opens their eyes again, they see
a horrific sight. There, stuck in the shattered bowl of mashed potatoes, are
Grandpa's false teeth!

One day in English class at Horowitz High School in L.A., Tom Robbins, the
famous author, comes to lecture the class on creative writing. After discussing
how to write a short story, he says, "Okay, for a successful short story, there are
four essential ingredients: religion, sex, politicians, and mystery. And it should be
concise and to the point.”

"No problem!" shouts Bobby Babblebrain, Boris's young punk son, from the
back of the room. And he scribbles something on a scrap of paper. He hands it
to Tom. On it is written: A Short Story.

“Jesus Christ!" screams Nancy Reagan. "I'm pregnant again. I wonder who the
hell did it this time?”
The Babblebrain family are going to the theater one night, but nobody wants to
stay at home to look after Grandad. So they have to take him with them. The
play is nearing its climax when the whole row is disturbed by old man
Babblebrain crawling around on his hands and knees.

"Grandpa!" whispers Boris loudly. "Get back in your seat!”

"I can't," replies Grandad. "I've lost a toffee.”

"Sit down!" snaps Boris. "You are disturbing the whole theater for a lousy toffee.
I'll buy you another one if you just sit down.”

"I need THAT one," says Grandad. "My God!" cries Boris”. "What's so special
about that toffee?”

"Well," says Grandad, "my teeth are stuck in it!”

In a big divorce case in Hollywood, Horace Kringecock is in the witness stand.

"Now, as I understand it," says Babblebrain, his attorney, "every night you
would come home from work, and you would find a different naked man in the
clothes closet.”

"Yes," replies Horace, "that is right.”

"And, of course," continues Babblebrain, "this caused you incredible anguish,

mental suffering, and heartache. Am I right?”

"That's right!" cries Horace. "I could never find any place to hang my coat!”

Grandpa Babblebrain is going deaf, so he is sitting on the couch watching the

TV at full volume. Suddenly Boris, his wife and their kids all come bursting into
the house, returning from their vacation in Hawaii”.

"Hi, Grandpa," shouts Billy Babblebrain, jumping into the old man's lap. "We
are back from our vacation!”

"What?" shouts Grandpa, holding his ear. "We are back!" shouts Billy. "We saw
that famous volcano!”

"What?" shouts Grandpa.

"VOLCANO!" shouts Bill'y. "You know, one of those things that belches and
spits fire!”

"Oh, yes," says Grandpa, shaking his head. "I married one!”

Young Fagin Finkelstein has just graduated from law school and is applying for
a job at a large corporation. The personnel manager looks him in the eye and
says, "Mr. Finkelstein, are you an honest attorney?”

"Honest?" says young Fink. "Let me tell you something. My father lent me ten
thousand dollars for my college education and I paid him back in full after my
very first case.”

"I am impressed," says the manager. "And what was the case?”

Young Fink turns red and says, "My father sued me for the money.”

Gloria rushes into Fagin Finkelstein’s law office. "I want him arrested!" she cries.
“He threw me on the bed, it was terrible!”

"Now calm down," says Fagin', "and give me the full story.”
"He locked the door," she sobs.
"Aha! Kidnapping!" says Fagin, making notes. "Ten years. Then what did he
do?”
"He pulled up my skirt," says Gloria.
"Indecent exposure. Two more years," says Fagin. "Then what?”
"He put his hand on my… on my… " sobs Gloria.
"I understand," says Fagin, writing fast. "Attempted assault. Five years. And
then what?”
"Then, he did it to me!" she cries.
"That's rape!" shouts young Finkelstein. "Thirty years, or maybe the gas
chamber. And all the time you were screaming and struggling?”
'Well," replies Gloria, "not exactly. It was late and I didn't want to disturb
everybody.”
"Ah, shit!" shouts Fagin, tearing up his notes. "That's just a regular screw.”

Fagin Finkelstein, the lawyer, is engaged to defend a man in court on a rape

charge. A huge black woman is testifying that she woke up one morning to
discover that she had been raped and that the accused was lying beside her.
"Now, madam, it is very hard to take your story seriously," sniggers Fagin.
"Suppose, for instance, you had woken in the morning and found ME lying
beside you. What would you think?”

The woman looks Fagin up and down slowly and then remarks, "I would think I
had a miscarriage.”

Hymie Goldberg, Doctor Bones and Boris Babblebrain are sitting in the pub
one evening, talking about their dogs.

"My dog is incredible,” says Hymie, the car salesman. “I have trained him as my
assistant. Watch this!" He whistles, and his dog jumps up and races out of the
door. Five minutes later, he is back. In his mouth are all the papers, signed and
sealed, of a brand new Cadillac car he has just sold. Hymie pulls out a box of
biscuits and gives one to his dog.

“That's nothing," says Doctor Bones. Just then, there is a screech of brakes and
a crash of metal outside the pub. Bones whistles and his dog jumps up and races
out of the door. Within five minutes the dog has bandaged up all the casualties,
called an ambulance and comes running back into the pub. So Bones gives his
dog a biscuit.

"That‘s nothin'g," says Boris, the lawyer. He gives a whistle and his dog jumps
up, eats all the biscuits, screws the other two dogs and then goes out to lunch.

Fagin Finkelstein, the young lawyer, is leaning back in his armchair in the new
office he has just opened. The door creaks open and a man comes in.

"Aha," thinks Fagin, "a client already! I must try and impress him.”

Fagin picks up the phone and starts talking.

"No, I am extremely sorry, I am much too busy," he says into the phone. "I
cannot possibly take your case. No, not even for a thousand dollars.”

He sets down the phone and looks expectantly at the man who has just come in.

"And now," says Fagin, "how can I help you?”

"You can't," replies the man, "I just came in to connect your telephone.”
The Indian court is in session and the attractive blond takes the stand. As the
prosecuting attorney approaches the girl he coughs nervously, and while fixing
his tie asks, “Where were you on the night before last?”

"I was with a gentleman friend," she answers, looking down shyly.

"And where were you last night?" continues the attorney.

"I was with another gentleman friend," she answers coyly.

Then, his voice very gentle and low, he asks, "Where are you going tonight?”

The defense attorney jumps to his feet and shouts, "Objection! I asked her first."

10. SALESMEN
I would like you to accept only one prayer; and that is laughter: because when
you are totally laughing you are in the present. You cannot laugh in the future
and you cannot laugh in the past.

All those people who have created this retarded humanity have taken away all
juice, all laughter, all smiles, and dragged everybody into being inauthentic. And
if you are inauthentic, insincere, you can never grow the seed that has been
given to you by this great compassionate universe.

Duckworth Bird and Whitney Whacker, two used-car salesmen, find themselves
sitting next to each other at the poolside of the Screwing Sands Hotel in
Jamaica. Duckworth leans back in his beach chair and takes a long sip on his
iced Pina Colada.

“Ah!” he sighs. "Life is good!”

"Yes," replies Whitney, sipping on his Tequila Sunrise. "It is true.”

"You know," says Duckworth, "I am here on my insurance money. I collected

ten thousand dollars for fire damage.”

"Me too!" exclaims Whitney. "But I got twenty thousand dollars for flood
damage.”

There is a long silence. Then Duckworth sits up straight in his chair, and turns
to look at Whitney. "Tell me something," says Duckworth. "How do you start a
flood?”

A traveling salesman has been on the road for weeks, when he sees a sign which
reads, "Mother Murphy's House of Pleasure, straight ahead.”

He drives on a mile and the sign is repeated. This goes on every mile, until he
reaches the last sign, which says, "You are here! This is it! Mother Murphy's
House of Pleasure!”

He is feeling pretty horny, so he pulls into the drive, where all he finds is a little
wooden shack, but he decides to try it out. He walks in and finds a little old lady
sitting in a rocking chair. He apologizes and is beginning to leave, when she says,
"You are in the right place, sonny. This is Mother Murphy’s. Just give me fifty
bucks and go through that door over there.”
So he goes through the door and finds himself in the backyard, and the door
locks behind him, so he can't get back in. He is really angry, and looking
around, he sees a small sign in the next field, so he goes over to read it. It says,
"You have just been screwed by Mother Murphy.”

Percy and Porky Poke own a men’s clothing shop in downtown LA. One day
Buster Chubbs walks in and says, "I need a nice suit.”

"Okay," smiles Porky, jumping up. "We have Paris suits, Italian suits, Mexican
suits, all kinds and all styles, from every corner of the world. Modern, classical,
new wave, formal, business - any kind of suit.

"You can get them in your favorite color," continues Porky with his best sales
pitch. “We have black, blue, gray, even orange - any color you want! What is
your size?”

Buster is really impressed as he looks slowly around the shop. "I think I am size
forty two,” he says. Porky proceeds to bring every size forty-two suit in the store
and has Buster try each one. Every time Buster comes out in a different suit,
Porky spins him around to look in the mirror - back to front, and front to back,
spinning him this way and that, to see it from all the angles.

Half an hour later, Porky still cannot sell him a suit. Then Percy walks up with
the last remaining suit, says a few things to Buster, and Buster buys it. When
Buster leaves his shop, Percy turns to Porky and says, "See how easy it was? I
sold it to him on the first try.”

"Sure," says Porky, "but who made him dizzy?”

Izzy Iceberg, the salesman from "Titanic Insurance," pays a visit to the
Kowalski's home. Kowalski is out at the pub, so Izzy is forced to talk to Olga.

"Do you know how much your husband's life insurance policy is worth?" asks
Izzy. But Olga does not understand what he is talking about and just looks at
him, blankly.

"Let me put it to you another way," says Izzy, patiently. "Do you know what you
would get after your husband dies?”

"Ah! I have often thought about that," says Olga. "Probably I will get a parrot!”
Wilbur Wonk, the president of Smutz Beer, is naming the winner of the Smutz
Beer slogan contest on national television.

"And the winner is Porky Poke,” announces Wilbur, “for his winning slogan:
‘Smutz Beer - like love in a canoe.’”

Porky walks up to the stage and receives the ten thousand dollar check. Wilbur
shakes Porky's hand and says, "That's a wonderful slogan, Mr. Poke. Please, tell
our national audience why you feel that Smutz Beer is like love in a canoe.”

"Sure," says Porky. "It is like love in a canoe because it is fucking close to water!”

Chester Cheese is on a long sales trip when his car breaks down. He walks up to
a nearby farmhouse and knocks on the door. "Excuse me,“ says Chester to the
farmer, "but my car has broken down. Can I stay here for the night?”

“Well, I guess so," says the old man. "But the only available bed belongs to my
sixteen-year-old daughter, Lucy. You will have to sleep with her.”

"Really?" smiles Chester. And he is shown to Lucy's room.

Later that night, lying next to Lucy, Chester puts his hand on her soft thigh.
"Stop that!“ cries Lucy. "Or I will call my father." But then she moves a little
closer to Chester.

A little while later, Chester tries again. "Stop that!" cries Lucy. "Or I will call my
father." But then she moves even closer to Chester. On the third try, Lucy jumps
on top of Chester, and they have a great time.

A little while later, Lucy Whispers, "Mister, can we do it again?” Chester agrees,
and they go for it again. Five minutes later, Lucy is tugging again on Chester's
deflated machinery.

“Mister,” she asks, “can we do it again?”

“Stop that!" gasps Chester. "Or I will call your father!”

Dilly and Dally, two salesmen, are standing together at the bar, talking about
football. At the other end of the bar an old drunk is having trouble holding
himself and his drink upright at the same time.
Suddenly Dill‘y notices a very unpleasant smell. "Hey, Dally!" he says, "do you
smell shit?” Dally sniffs the air, nods and starts to hold his nose. “I think it's
coming from that old drunk over there," he says.

"Excuse me," says Dally to the old guy, "but there is a terrible smell around here.
Did you shit in your pants?” The bleary-eyed drunk lifts up his head and stares
at Dilly.

"Yup," he slobbers, "what about it?”

"Well," says a shocked Dilly, "why don't you go to the bathroom and wash
yourself ?” The old drunk stares back, blinking, and then says, "Because I
haven't finished yet!”

Jablonski goes to the hardware store and asks the manager for a job. "Okay,"
says the manager, "you can have the job if you can SELL. Can you sell?”

“I guess so," says Jablonski. "Well," says the manager, "watch me and learn
something!” A man comes into the store and asks the manager for some grass
seed.

"Fourth aisle over, third shelf," says the manager. The man returns with the
grass seed and the manager says, "Would you like to buy one of our new lawn
mowers? They are on sale right now.”

"What?" says the man. "But I don't even have my grass yet.”

"I know," says the manager, "but you will in a few weeks and then you will need
a new lawn mower. And if you buy one now, it will be much cheaper.”

"I guess you are right," says the man, and he buys the lawn mower. "So," says
the manager to Jablonski, "do you think you can do that?”

"Sure," replies Jablonski. "No problem!”

"Okay," says the manager. "I have to go to the bank. You take over — and
SELL!” Jablonski nods and waits for his first customer.

Just then a woman walks up to him and says, “Where are the tampons?”

"Fifth aisle over, fourth shelf down," replies Jablonski, professionally.

When she returns to pay, Jablonski asks, "Do you have a lawn mower?”

“No. Why?” asks the woman. "Well," says Jablonski, "you might as well mow
the lawn while you aren't doing any fucking!”

Chester Cheese walks into the American Express Bank. "I want to open a
goddamn checking account," snarls Chester. "I beg your pardon, sir?" replies
Mabel Mousebreath, the teller.

"Listen, damn it," repeats Chester. "I said I want to open a goddamn checking
account.”

"I am sorry, sir," says Mabel. "But we don't tolerate language like that in this
bank.” Then she leaves the window, walks over to the bank manager and
whispers in his ear. The two of them return to where Chester is waiting.

“What?" says the manager icily, "seems to be the problem here?”

"There is no fucking problem," insists Chester. "I just won ten million bucks in
the lottery and I want to open a goddamn checking account!”

"I see, Sir," says the manager. "And you're getting trouble from this bitch?”

Mr. Samosa, one of Poona's most successful businessmen, is a rubberware

manufacturer.

He invites guests from an International Management Conference for a tour of

his factory. Proudly, he introduces his different products, everything from tractor
tires to baby-bottle nipples. He is especially proud of his fully automatic
condom making machine, with a special electronic leakproof tester.

By the side of the machine, a man is sitting and carefully punching holes in the
condoms with a needle. "What is he doing that for?" asks one of the visitors, "Is
it part of the quality test?”

"No," replies Samosa, proudly, "we are trying to promote our Hindu baby
products.”
Jayajit Samosa, the Poona condom salesman, gets on the bus with fifteen kids
trailing behind him. The kids are all running around, jumping on the seats,
taking people's things, asking for money, and generally creating chaos.

Finally, old Grandma Brahmachapatti leans over and asks him, "Mr. Samosa,
are all of these monsters yours?”

"Of course not," says Samosa, "I sell condoms, and these are all complaints!”

A man charges into a jewelry shop, slams his fist angrily on the counter, removes
a wrist watch from his pocket and shakes it under the nose of the saleswoman.
"Damn it! You said this watch would last me a lifetime," he roars. "Yeah," says
the woman, "but you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”

Hymie Goldberg walks into an exclusive New York shop specializing in all kinds
of paper products. He is approached by an elegant salesman in an immaculate
suit.

"Can I help you, sir?" the salesman intones in a cultured voice. "Yes," says
Hymie, "I would like some writing paper.”

"Would you prefer lined or unlined paper, sir?" asks the salesman. "Anything is
fine," says Hymie. “It doesn’t matter.”

"Then will you be writing with a fountain pen or a ball-point?” continues the
salesman. "I don't really know," says Hymie. "Whatever comes to hand.”

"Would you prefer a thick paper or an onionskin paper, sir?”

"Look," says Hymie, "anything is fine. Just give me any kind of paper!”

"Perhaps you would prefer one of our perfumed varieties?" carries on the
salesman. "If you like," cries Hymie. "But I have a bus to catch - just give me
some paper, please!”

"Then perhaps you have a favorite color - red, blue, yellow… ?”

Just at that moment another customer comes bursting into the shop. His eyes
have dark circles and his checks are wet with tears. “Look," he sobs, "this tile is
the color of my bathroom and this is the size of my toilet. I showed you my
asshole this morning. Now, please, can I have some toilet paper?”

Stanley Sharkskin, the traveling salesman, is too tired to continue his journey in
the dark country night. He sees a little farmhouse by the side of the road and
decides to seek some comfort and rest there.

"Can you put me up for the night?" Stanley asks the farmer. "Sure, but you will
have to sleep with my son," says the farmer. "My God!" exclaims Stanley, "I am
in the wrong joke!”

A traveling salesman is passing through a small town in Virginia when he sees a

little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of his house. The little man
looks so contented that the salesman can not resist going over and talking to
him. "You look as if you don't have a care in the world," the salesman says,
"what is your formula for a long and happy life?”

"Well," replies the little old man, "I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink, I
enjoy a large bottle of whiskey every four hours, and six cases of beer a week. I
play the guitar and I go out chasing women every night.”

"My goodness," exclaims the salesman. "That's just great! And how old are
you?” The little man takes the cigarette out of his mouth and says, "Twenty-
five.”

 11. MAXIMS

One great German thinker - perhaps one of the greatest thinkers of this
century - Ludwig Wittgenstein, in one of his most rare books: Logico Tractatus
Philosophicus, has one statement. He does not write in the ordinary way people
write, he writes only maxims. But each of his maxims he numbers one, two,
three. Each of his maxims has tremendous value and is pregnant with meaning;
he has condensed paragraphs, pages or perhaps books into one sentence.

One of the sentences in this Tractacus is: "That which cannot be said, should
not be said” I wrote him a letter, “You have not followed your own dictum. You
have said something about it. ‘That which cannot be said should not be said.’
You have said something about it.”

I received a letter from one of his friends; Wittgenstein had died. I was not
aware that he is dead - I was only a student in the university. The friend wrote,
“Wittgenstein is dead I am sorry that he could not see your letter because he
was such a sincere and honest man, he may have removed his statement from
the book - because what you are saying is absolutely right. If nothing should be
said about that which cannot be said, even this sentence should not be there -
just an empty place.”

Perhaps you need a few maxims: they bring you closer to me. Seriousness
separates; laughter brings closer.

The first:

A successful man: one who earns more than his wife can spend.

And second:

A successful woman: one who finds such a man!

Third:

A jealous man always finds more than he is looking for.

Fifth:

Some minds are like concrete - mix'ed-up and permanently set.

Sixth:
The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance. The
last half consists of the chance without the capacity.

Seventh:

What Poona really needs is a vegetarian mosquito.

Eighth:

The man who admits he is wrong is wise.The man who gives in when he is right
is married!

Ninth:

The rich get richer and the poor get children.

Tenth:

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

Eleventh:

You never know how many friends you have until you rent a cottage in Poona.

Twelfth:

You can't tell how deep a puddle-is until you step in it.

Thirteenth:

Virtue is its own punishment.

Fourteenth:

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he is too old to go
anywhere.

Fifteenth:

Prayer must never be answered. If it is, it ceases to be prayer and becomes a

correspondence.

Sixteenth:

An asylum for the sane would be empty in this world.

You don’t get it! You belong to this world!

Seventeenth:

It is always the best policy to speak the truth unless you are, of course, an
exceptionally good liar.

Eighteenth:

He who does not mind a big belly will hardly mind anything else.

He who laughs last is most likely a German.

The Indian never laughs.

There is an Indian saying:

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

For an Indian:

Cleanliness is next to impossible!

To an Indian:

To err is human, but it feels divine!

To the Indian mind, it is absolutely clear:

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether!

For an Indian:

It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex task to make them
simple.

A small ad in a Poona newspaper: "Young farm worker wishes to marry

beautiful girl with a tractor. Please send photo of the tractor!”
There are two types of people in this world: those who come into the room and
say, “Well, here I am!" and those who come in and say, "Ah, there you are!”

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good
things for the first time.

Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They are too busy
worrying over what you are thinking about them.

There is no time like the present for postponing what you don't want to do!

The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank — the
really big chunks always rise to the top!

The key to happiness: You may speak of love and tenderness and passion, but
real ecstasy is discovering you haven't lost your keys after all.

Women begin by resisting a man's advances and end by blocking his retreat.
If you want to change a woman's mind, agree with her.

If you want to know what a woman really means, look at her - don't listen to
her.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

Moscow is the city where, if Marilyn Monroe should walk down the street with
nothing on but shoes, people would stare at her feet first.

When people agree with you, you must be wrong.

Women's minds are cleaner than men's; they change them more often.

After thirty-five a man begins to have thoughts about women. Before that age he
had feelings.

The human race never solves any of its problems - it only outlives them.

Assumption is the mother of all screwups.

What you resist, you become.

No matter how many excellent decisions you make in a working day, people will
only remember the single bad one.

No man is lonely while eating spaghetti - it requires so much attention.

You can always find what you are not looking for.

In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going
on. This person must be fired.

Don't ever prophesy, for if you prophesy wrong nobody will forget it, and if you
prophesy right nobody will remember it.

One can survive everything nowadays except death.

Evil, what is evil? There is only one evil: to deny life.

If you can keep calm while all those around you are freaking out, then you don't
understand the problem.

Inscription on the tombstone of Peter the Pessimist: I knew this would happen
one day.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Remember:

Old age is when the candles cost more than the cake.

And also remember:

Old age is when getting it up gets you down.

You are not aware of a very fundamental law:

When you are up to your nose, keep your mouth shut.

And never forget that:

Money can't buy happiness: but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer.
A man in love is incomplete - that’s true - until he has married. Then he is
finished.

The only thing to remember about women is:

A man who moralizes is really a hypocrite, and a woman who moralizes is

invariably ugly. Oscar Wilde.

To err is human, but to make a real mess of things you need a computer.

One who dares to be a fool should remember that it is the first step in the
direction of wisdom.

If you have really become old, you will come to know:

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

Socialism is when the state owns everything; capitalism is when your wife does.
And this is a tremendously significant maxim to remember as far as old people are concerned:

Whenever you feel the urge to exercise, just lie down and wait until it passes.

If you have really become old just have a look at your passport:

If you actually look like your passport photo, you are not well enough to travel.

Women have a much better time than men in this world; there are far more
things forbidden to them.

Many a romance begins when a girl sinks into his arms - and ends up with her
arms in his sink.

Bachelor: A man who comes to work each morning from a different direction.

Milligan's Law of Home Economics: Two can live as cheaply as one, for about
half as long.

You've heard of the three ages of woman: youth, middle age and, "You ARE
looking wonderful.”

Golding's Law of Typecasting: The world is divided into two types of people,
those who divide the world into two types of people, and those who don’t.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but NOT its mineral rights.

Women are entirely to blame for men's lies; they keep insisting on asking the
most awkward questions.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

Klein’s Law of Possibilities: Nothing is impossible for people who don't have to
do it themselves.

In this world there are only two tragedies: one is not getting what one wants,
and the other is getting it.

Middle age: Later than you think and sooner than you expect.

Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternative.

Percy's Law of Laziness: The world is divided into two sorts of people, those
who are willing to work and those who are willing to let them.

Karl Marx says, "To do is to be.”

Albert Camus says, "To be is to do.”
And Frank Sinatra says, "Do be do be do.”

Middle age is when you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.

Lendel's Law: You know you are getting old when a girl says "No," and all you
feel is relief.

Bennett’s Accidental Discovery says:

First, most auto accidents are caused by people with driver’s licenses, so I tore
up my license.

Secondly, according to the latest statistics, most auto accidents happen within
eight miles of your own home, so I moved.

Old age is when you start to turn out the lights for economical rather than
romantic reasons!

Old age is that period of life when your idea of getting ahead is staying even.

Old age is when you can do just as much as ever, but would rather not.

Groucho Marx has made a, beautiful statement for you to remember:

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set I go into
the other room and read a book.”

Middle age is when you still believe you will feel better in the morning.

Middle age is when you want to see how long your car will last instead of how
fast it will go.

Middle age is when you are home on Saturday night, the telephone rings and
you hope it is not for you.

Middle age is when you change from stud to dud.

Middle age is when you stop criticizing the older generation and start criticizing
the younger one.

A woman is filling out an application form at the bank when she comes to the
space for age. She hesitates a long time. Finally, the clerk leans over and says,
"The longer you wait, the worse it gets.”

Different things make different people feel insecure.

For instance, to make a German feel insecure, tell him a joke.

To make an Italian fee insecure, agree with him.
To make an Australian feel insecure, talk to his girlfriend in German.
To make a Polack feel insecure, invite him home to play with the dog.
And to make a sannyasin feel insecure, tell him' he is enlightened.

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? "Hang on to your nuts, this is no
ordinary blow job!”

Oscar Wilde used to say:

Fashion is a form of ugliness, so intolerable that we have to change it every six

months.

Murphy has his Sixth Rule:

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
The Fourth Workshop Principle says:

The more carefully you plan a project, the more confusion there is when
something goes wrong.

Churchill’s commentary on man was:

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick
himself up and continue on.

Remember Fetridge’s Law:

Important things that are supposed to happen do not happen, especially when
people are looking for them.

Bucy Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

Somebody has sent me the Commune’s Law of Shortcut:

The shortest distance between two points is always under construction.

Steward’s Law: It is easier to be forgiven than to get permission.

Jacob’s Law: To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more

human.

Don’t do it, ever. To err is human and to accept your responsibility is the dignity
of a human being.

Parkinson’s Law: Delay is the deadliest form of denial.

Maud’s Law: A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.

Woop’s Rule for Drinking: I always drink standing up because it is much easier
to sit down when I get drunk standing up, than it is to get standing up when I
get drunk sitting down.

Oscar Wilde says:

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

Sign on a bookstore: Going out of business - words failed us!

An optimist is a man who marries his secretary and thinks he will still be able to
dictate to her.

If married life was supposed to be fun, it would not start in church.

Love is temporary insanity, curable by marriage.

A single man is one who runs around and gets into all kinds of trouble. A
married man does not have to run around.

A wedding day is when rings are put on the finger of a woman and in the nose
of a man.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you sleep alone.

Notice in a restaurant window: Don't stand outside and be miserable, come

inside and be fed up!
Not to take women seriously is to ask for trouble. To take them seriously is to get
it!

All marriages are happy, it's living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.

He that will not reason is a bigot, he that cannot reason is an idiot, and he that
dares not reason is a husband.

A pessimist is one who feels bad when he feels good, because he is afraid he will
feel worse when he feels better.
He is the kind of guy who won't pick a four-leaf clover for fear he will be bitten
by a rattlesnake.
He wears a belt along with his suspenders and is never happy unless he is
miserable.
He even keeps his fingers crossed when he says good morning and complains
about the noise when opportunity knocks.

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
This is the whole philosophy of relativity of Albert Einstein!

When you read a biography, remember that the truth is never fit for publication.

Truth is so simple, there is no sensation in it. No publisher is going to waste money in

publishing truth. These thousands of papers, magazines, weeklies, are full of untruth. The
more untruth, the greater is their subscription rate, the more they are read. But remember it: for
this untruth we are destroying beautiful trees around the world.

The quickest way to make anti-freeze is to hide her nightdress.

Prepare for eternity: tidy up your room.

To live to be a hundred, first you have to five to be ninety-nine and then be very
careful for a year.

When a woman steals your boyfriend, the best revenge is to let her live with
him.

If you are not confused, you are not paying attention.

There is only one way to handle a woman.The trouble is, nobody knows what it
is.
If you are single, all the good men are married.
If you are married, all the good men are single.
If you are over Sixty-five, all the good men are dead.

Misery to a woman is an alive secret and a dead telephone.

There is nothing like good food, good wine and a bad woman.

Love may be blind, but it knows its way around in the dark.

You have not lived until you die in California.

A wedding is a ceremony where a man loses control of himself.

Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives.

It is better for a woman to be beautiful rather than intelligent, because men's

eyes function better than their brains.

An ancient tradition says: Before Jesus Christ, nobody knew what a headache looked like.

True misery for a man is when there are no more problems to be solved.

Women do have a sense of humor — look at their boyfriends!

There is always more hell that needs raising.

A man can learn much by imitating the behavior of a duck - keep calm and
unruffled on the surface, and paddle like crazy underneath.

It is said, a change of trouble is as good as a vacation.

The happiest time in anyone's life is just after their divorce.

Smile - tomorrow will be worse.

Nothing makes a woman feel older than meeting a fat, bald man who knew her
at school.

There are no important differences between men and women, but the
unimportant ones are the most interesting.
If it can't be done in bed, it is probably not worth doing.

Success for some people depends on becoming well known. For others, it
depends on never being found out.

The seven ages of women: the right age, and the six wild guesses.

A woman, generally speaking, is generally speaking.

Old age is when you put on your glasses to think.

The honeymoon is over when she stops calling you ‘honey' and starts calling you
‘listen!’

The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner is a drink.

The honeymoon is over when the dog brings your slippers and your wife barks
at you.

If you are lonesome as a bachelor, take the big step - get a dog. The license is
cheaper and he already has a fur coat.

A woman who looks like a dream usually gives a man insomnia.

If at first you don‘t succeed, try someone else.

Two is company, three is the result.

The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.

Sometimes the best way to liven up the party is to leave.

It is better to be in the missionary position than never to have any religion at all.

The only time most people look like their passport photographs is during a
hijack.

In these days of jet travel, the only journeys that take a long time are the ones
from your house to the airport.

A husband who gets his breakfast in bed is in hospital.

Married life is like sitting in a bathtub - after a while, it is not so hot.

Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still
attached.

Nobody is ever satisfied.

Poor men wish they were rich, rich men wish they were handsome, bachelors
wish they were married, and married men wish they were dead.

The fastest way to discover your bad habits is to move in with your lover.

God gave black men rhythm because he made such a mess of their hair.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

A man has reached old age when he can't take yes for an answer.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

All men are born free, but some get married.

Chivalry is a man's attempt to defend a woman against every man except

himself.

Even when you are on the right track you will get run over if you just sit there.

To do nothing is the most difficult thing in the world.

To be perfectly happy one must be perfectly stupid.

To err is human, to admit it is divine.

Every cloud has a silver lining and even old clothes have their shiny side.

Take a risk. Even a turtle gets nowhere until he sticks his neck out.

A man does not need twenty-twenty eyesight to appreciate a thirty-six, twenty-

four, thirty-six vision.

Nothing wrong ever happens at the right time.

Save your money; you never know when your friends will need it.
A busy man is usually a happy man, unless he is busy scratching.

Never judge a woman's feet by the shape of her shoes.

Success is when you have your name in everything except the phone book.

Whiskey may not cure a cold, but no remedy fails with such satisfaction.

Not all philosophers are married men, but all married men become
philosophers.

A perfectionist is a person who takes great pains, and gives even greater pains to
others.

An atomic war will not determine who is right, but who is left.

A pessimist is someone who is afraid that the optimist is right.

Take care to get what you like, or you will be forced to like what you get.

Say it with flowers, say it with sweets.

Say it with kisses, say it with cats.
Say it with jewelry, say it with drink.
But always be careful not to say it with ink.

Philosophy is the discovery that you might be worse off than you are.

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs… maybe you
have not heard the gossip!

Keep quiet and people will think you to be a great philosopher.

A reformed politician is one who did not get enough votes.

A neurotic is a person who worries about things that did not happen in the past,
instead of worrying about something that won't happen in the future, like
normal people.

The difference between capitalism and communism: in capitalism, man exploits

man; in communism it is vice-versa.

Women are the kind of problem most men like to wrestle with.
To have the last word with a woman - apologize.

An ancient man is one who wears his glasses in bed so he can get a better look
at the girls he dreams about.

An ancient man is one who only flirts with young girls at parties so that his wife
will take him home.

The beauty of being ancient is that since you are too old to set a bad example,
you can start giving good advice.

Only a really old man, well-versed in the wisdom of life, can say:

Puppy love is lots of fun but few men realize it is the beginning of a dog's life.

Women like the simple things in life - for example, the old men.
Once the women start liking you, it means you are finished. They are no longer afraid of you;
you are perfectly acceptable.

Women have their own reasons, although women's reason is like eternity: it
passeth all understanding.

If you are really old, start loving your enemies; it makes them so angry.

An old married man's best friend is his wife's husband.

A yawn is at least an honest opinion.

Just because you are paranoid, it does not mean that you are not being followed.

Man will be the last thing civilized by a woman.

Women are dressed but very few are clothed.

A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice.

Advice is the only thing everybody gives and nobody takes.

When a man gets up to speak, people listen, then look.

When a woman gets up, people look. Then, if they like what they see, they
listen.

The way to fight a woman is with your hat: grab it and run.

All would like to live long, but none would like to be old.

Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day. Old age is the
cure.

The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women, and so little
time.

A man is known by the company he avoids.

A man is known by the company he keeps. The clays of that proverb are gone. Now it is the
company that he avoids. This is a little more subtle, and you will have to figure it out - whom
you are avoiding and why

Women have a lot of faults. Men have only two - everything they say, and
everything they do.

A man who expects comfort in this life must be born deaf, dumb and blind.
Then there is no discomfort at all.

Vimal, a few maxims for you to contemplate, just lying down in your bed underneath the
blanket, in utter laziness.
A small town is one where there is no place to go that you should not.

The only thing which cannot be misquoted is silence.

No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would.

An optimist sees a doughnut - a pessimist sees a hole.

The best way to succeed in the world is to find a crowd that is going somewhere
and get in front of them.

After man came woman, and she has been after him ever since.

Opposites attract - like sloe gin and fast women.

You don't get it? Neither do I! I will also think over it, because my understanding about gin or
any other kind of alcoholic drugs is nil. I thought YOU may understand it!
There is a crack in everything God has made.

Public opinion exists only where there are no ideas.

Whenever truth is injured, defend it.

But if the truth goes against you, accept it. It is better to be defeated than to reject the truth.

A speech is like a love affair… any fool can start it, but to end it requires
considerable skill.
So be alert! Before starting any love affair, be prepared how you will end it. That is called
homework.

An Englishman thinks seated, a Frenchman standing, an American pacing, and

an Irishman afterwards.

To keep an idea secret is to tell it to only one person at a time.

Old age is when it is harder to find temptation than to resist it.

Old men are not really old men, they are just twice boys.

If everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong lane.

A fool and his money are soon elected.

Drop the old proverb which used to say: A fool and his money are soon parted, that does not
happen anymore. A fool and his money are soon elected.

If the facts are against you, argue the law.

If the law is against you, argue the facts.
If the facts and the law are against you, shout like hell.

If worry makes you so nervous that your hand shakes, learn to play the guitar.

The reason there are so few women after dinner speakers is because few can
wait that long.

A woman is able to forgive and forget, except she will never forget what she
forgave. That is one of the mysteries of women.

If you have half a mind to watch TV, that's enough.

Where all men think alike, no one thinks very much.

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

Those who try to serve both God and women soon discover there is no God.

Whenever in doubt, be outrageous.

Truth is stranger than fiction, and also harder to make up.

Middle age is when you can feel bad in the morning without having fun the
night before.

Intuition is what enables a woman to put two and two together and come up
with an answer that suits her.

A really old man is a man who tries never to stand between a dog and a
lamppost.

An old man is a man who knows tomorrow why the things he said yesterday did
not happen today.

The man with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.

The person who does not gossip has no friends to speak of.
The only sure thing about youth is that it will change, and about old age, that it
will never change.

Old age is when you have learnt to yawn with your mouth closed.

People who complain they don't get all they deserve, don't realize how old they
are.

Always fall in love with an older woman, and you will be always young.
One just has to find a way - these are problems intrinsic to life.

Married men don’t live longer than the single men, it just SEEMS longer.

One marriage out of every three ends up in divorce - the other two fight it out
to the bitter end.
The one who sleeps does not commit sins. The one who commits sins sleeps
better afterwards.

To find out a girl’s faults, talk to her girlfriends and say how wonderful she is!

Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.

Never marry a beautiful girl, because she might leave you. Of course, an ugly
girl might leave you too - but so what?

A smile is the shortest distance between two people.

A statesman is a politician who did not get caught.

Life without wife is better than wife without life.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can enjoy today.

If you have two wives, that is bigamy; if you have many wives, that is polygamy;
if you have one wife, that is monotony.

Every small child wonders why his father did not go into the ice cream business.

The great truth is that women actually like men, and men can never believe it.

Home is the only place where you can scratch where it itches.
A diplomat is a man who can make his wife believe she would look fat in a mink
coat.

Women like strong, silent men because they think they are listening.

Never look back — something might be gaming on you.

I was twelve years old before I found out that "Shut Up" was not my real name.

It always pays to smile in the morning, because later in the day you may not feel
like it.

Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment in a bachelor,

and second nature in a married man.

A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.

We are happier in many ways when we are old than when we are young. The
young sow wild oats, the old grow sage.

A cigar gives a wise man some time to think and a fool something to stick in his
mouth.

The principal thing an inquisitive child learns is how little adults know.

You know you have reached middle age when weightlifting consists merely of
standing up.

We are all born mad; some remain so.

Behind every successful man is an astonished woman.

Any child who gets raised by the book must be a first edition.

Temptation usually comes in through a door that was deliberately being left
open.

A man may know his own mind and still know next to nothing.

The latest thing in clothes is usually the woman you are waiting for.

When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Beauty is only skin-deep, but ugliness goes right to the bone.

What no wife of a philosopher can ever understand is that a philosopher is

working when he is staring out of the window.

You can be positive of anything of which others are as ignorant as you are.

A reporter once asked Winston Churchill whether he agreed with the prediction
that women would rule the world by the year 2000.”
Churchill replied, "Yes, they will still be at it.”

One of the hardest decisions in life is deciding when to start middle age.
Old age is when your symptoms are the most interesting things in your life.

Old age is when your face in the morning has more wrinkles than your bed.
Old age is when you not only cannot remember when you first made love, but
also when you last did it.

There are four stages of getting old.

First, when you forget names.
Second, when you forget places.
Third, when you forget to zip up.
And fourth, when you forget to zip down.

A ninety-three-year-old man married a ninety-one-year-old lady and they spent

the first three days of their honeymoon just trying to get out of the car.

For ancient ones there is a new thing in the world to do; its name is punk yoga.
Punk yoga is where you stand on someone else's head.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends — and have begun
to grow in the middle.

An optimist is a man who goes to the window every morning and says, "Good
morning, God!”
The pessimist goes to the window every morning and says, "Good god -
morning!”

There are two ways to be rich. One is to have all you want, the other is to be
satisfied with all you have.

A man does not stop playing because he grows old, he grows old because he
stops playing.
Tolerance is sometimes the uncomfortable feeling that the other person may be
right after all.

To have average intelligence is to be less stupid than half of the people and
more stupid than the other half.

Freedom is a great thing. It means a man is free to do just what his wife pleases.
If all else fails, give up.

It is always best not to tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested,
and the other half are glad you are getting what is coming to you.

When Henry Ford was asked for the recipe for a long and happy marriage, he
replied: "Always stick to the same model.”
A man who can smile when things go wrong has probably just thought of
someone to blame it on.

Inscription on the tombstone of a notorious hypochondriac: “See!"

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who
hopes they are.

The definition of alimony: "The screwing you get for the screwing you got.”

The ten best years of a woman's life are between thirty-five and thirty-six.

If your neighbor does you harm, just buy each of his children a drum.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and the success is sure.

Sex is what happens between a man and a woman before they get to know each
other.

Reality is what your mother thinks you ought to live in.

You know you are getting old when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
A woman can keep one secret - the secret of her age.
Except for that she cannot keep any secret!

God invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.

A man never knows what a fool he is until he hears himself imitated by one.

Be nice to people on your way up because you will meet them on your way
down.

A mistake is evidence that someone tried to do something.

If a person does not learn from the mistakes of others, he won't live long
enough to make all of them himself.

The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the
disease.

Everyone is as God made him, and often a good deal worse.

Gossip is what no one claims to like, but everybody enjoys.

It is difficult to climb a ladder with your hands in your pockets, but it is possible
if your hands are in someone else's pockets.

Familiarity breeds contempt — and children.

The hardest task of a woman's life is to prove to a man that his intentions are
serious.

How do you know your therapy group is right for you?

One: It is too expensive.
Two: All your friends have done it.
Three: It focuses on problems you never knew you had.

 12. NATIONS

They say that if you tell a joke to an Englishman he laughs twice: once just to be social, just to
say that, “Yes I understand.” And the second time in the middle of the night when he
understands it.

If you tell a joke to a German he laughs only once, just to be social. The second time to laugh
never comes. He never understands a joke.

And never tell a joke to a Jew, because he will stop you in the middle. He will say, “It is all
rotten, an old joke, and anyway you are telling it all wrong.” It is useless to tell a joke to a Jew
— he will not laugh. He will even make you sad — why did you talk to this man?
Different nations will behave differently. But one point you can understand yourself: whether
you are laughing just to be in tune with others… then laughter is only exhibition. You have not
understood the joke and you are laughing — it is hypocritical. But always remember not to
judge others. That is very primitive, uncivilized, inhuman. Only look at yourself.

An international team of eminent zoologists gathers in Africa to do research on

the life cycle of the elephant in the wild. When one year is over, all the scientists
publish their reports.

The Englishman's report is titled: "The African Elephant at Tea Time.”

The American's report is titled: "Fast-food Cheeseburgers and the Modern
African Elephant.”
The Italian report is titled: "Fitting an Elephant into a Ferrari.”
The French report is titled: "The Seventy-two Love Positions of the African
Elephant.”
The Russian report is titled: "How to Hide Your Elephant from the KGB.”
The German report is published in five volumes entitled: "An Introduction to
the African Elephant's Left Testicle.”
The Polish report is titled: "Elephants? What Elephants?”
And finally, the Indian report is titled: “Hathni: The New Mata of the Nation”

I have been traveling for years; never have I found any Indian train to be on time. One day it
happened. I was in Allahabad waiting on the platform and the train came right on time, so
unbelievable!

I said, “This proves that miracles happen. Jesus must have walked on water. If a train can
come in India at the right time, then every miracle is possible.” So I went to the driver to thank
him.

I told him, “I am proud of you, you are a great son of India.”

But he looked ashamed, and he said, “Don’t make me more ashamed.”

I said, “I am praising you! This is the first and I think the last experience in my life that a
train has come on time. "A crowd gathered, the stationmaster came, the guard came, and finally
I asked the driver: "Why are you feeling so ashamed?”

He said, “In fact this is yesterday’s train. And you are making me feel like committing suicide.”
The stationmaster came to save him, and the guard, and they said, “Don’t harass him.”
I said, “I was not aware that this is yesterday’s train. Then why do you publish these
timetables?”

And the stationmaster said, "We have to publish timetables to know how much a train is late!”

I said, “That is right; if there were no timetables then you wouldn’t know which train you are
traveling on, where you are going, and why you are going…”

I knew for the first time that the timetable is the most religious thing, almost spiritual.

When a husband comes home unexpectedly, a French wife says, "Pierre, move
over; my husband is home!”
A German wife says, "Fritz, you are two minutes early!”
An English wife says, "Hello, darling. May I introduce Gilbert?”
A Greek wife says, "Hi, Spyro! The back door is still open!”
An Italian wife says, "Mamma mia, Luigi. If you are going to shoot-a us all,
shoot-a yourself first!”
And a Jewish wife says, "Hymie, is that you? Then who is this with me?”

On an ocean cruise in the south Pacific the ship sinks, leaving only twelve
survivors, who are lucky enough to reach a small island nearby.

They are two French businessmen and their secretary, two Italian businessmen
and their secretary, two American oil executives and their secretary, and two
British businessmen and their secretary.

After a week, the two Frenchmen reach an agreement. One man gets the
secretary on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and the other Frenchman gets
her on alternate days. On Sunday, naturally, she gets both of them.

After a week, one Italian businessman shoots the other Italian so that he can
have the secretary all to himself.

After a week, the two American executives and their secretary are still waiting
for instructions from head-office in Texas.

But after two days, the two British businessmen shoot their secretary, so that
they can have each other!

Jesus Christ is walking on his way to Jerusalem one day. Suddenly he sees a man
sitting at the side of the road crying.
"What is the problem, my son?" asks Jesus.

"I am blind and I cannot see the beauty of the flowers and the birds in the sky,”
replies the man.

"No problem," says Jesus, just waving his hand in front of the man's eyes.
Suddenly, the man jumps up.

"I can see!" he cries, dancing off down the road.

Two hours later, Jesus comes upon another man sitting beside the road, crying.

"What is the problem, my son?" asks Jesus.

"I am crippled and I cannot walk," replies the man.

“No problem,” says Jesus, just waving his hands over the man's legs.
Immediately, the man jumps up and runs off into the hills singing.

An hour later, Jesus comes upon another man sitting beside the road, crying and
weeping.

The man looks perfectly healthy and robust. "What is the problem, my son?"
asks Jesus.

"Ah! Jesus!" says the man, "I am German!”

Jesus sits down and cries too.

An Englishman, an American and a Polack go on safari to Africa together. On

the first day, they decide to hunt alone and go off in different directions. That
night they meet again back at the camp and exchange hunting stories.

"I had a great day," says the Englishman. "I shot a lion, two elephants and a
hippo.”

"That's nothing," says the American. "I shot two lions, three rhinos and a
giraffe.”

"I did better than both of you," says the Polack. "I shot seventy-five no-nos.”
The two other men look at each other and then ask the Polack what a no-no
looks like.

"Well," says the Polack, "they walk on two legs, have black skin and curly hair
and when you point a gun at them, they shout No-no! No-no!”

It is midnight at the Rotting Saint’s Graveyard in Cologne. All is quiet, when

suddenly, there is a rattling noise under one of the gravestones, marked Himlish
Humper. Slowly, the stone begins to lift up, and the earth begins to crumble, and
a bony hand reaches out into the air.

Slowly but surely, the skeleton of Himlish Humper creeps out of the ground.
Himlish brushes the dust off his bones, and then knocks on the next stone
marked Hector Herpes.

"Come on, Hector!" cackles Himlish. "It is time!”

Then, from under the stone marked Hector Herpes comes the sound of bones
rattling, and slowly the stone lifts up and out slides the skeleton of Hector. The
two skeletons clatter and rattle as they stand up and shake hands.

"We are free!" rasps Himlish. "Let’s go!”

The two guys start running and rattling down the streets of Cologne. Suddenly,
Hector Herpes stops dead in his tracks. He spins around and starts rattling back
towards his grave. When he gets there he picks up the huge gravestone and
carries it back to where Himlish is standing.

"What the hell are you bringing that thing for?" screeches Himlish.

"Hey!" replies Hector. "You cannot travel in Germany without your papers!”

Just today, I loved the news from Germany…. A young man punched his girlfriend in the nose,
and the girl reported it to the police. They were produced before the magistrate. The magistrate
must have been a wise man, which is very rare.

He said “Young man, you can slap her a little here and there, but don’t punch her exactly in the
nose.” And with this advice he released them. Must have been a man of great understanding.
A little slapping here and there is perfectly okay; otherwise life loses all juice. But punching in
the nose, that is not for boyfriends - that is left for the masters!
King Carlos of Spain, Prince Bernhard of the Netherlands and Prince Philip of
England are sitting together having a few drinks in the pub. They get a little
drunk and start bragging about whose prick is the longest.

A crowd gathers as King Carlos whips out his machinery and lays it on the
table. Six inches! Everyone applauds and sings the Spanish national anthem.

Then Prince Bernhard puts his dong on the table. Eight inches! Everyone
screams and shouts, and then sings the Dutch national anthem.

Finally, Prince Philip drops his pants and puts his prick on the table. Twelve
inches!

The crowd gasps, and everyone starts singing "God Save the Queen”

There is a hell of an argument going on in the bar of the Howling Haggis

Hotel. At one end of the bar are sitting Paddy Murphy and Seamus O’Reilly.
And standing at the other end of the bar are Hamish MacTavish and Sandy
MacPherson.

"I tell you," shouts Paddy, "that Irish whiskey is the strongest stuff you will ever
drink!”

"That's not true!" roars back Hamish MacTavish, pounding on the bar.
"Everyone knows that Scotch whiskey is the real drink!”

Just then, an American tourist and his wife come over to the bar from their table
in the corner.

"I want to tell you all," says the American, "that I think that IRISH whiskey is
the REAL dynamite. Last week, my wife and I drank a whole bottle of Irish
whiskey, got up the next morning and went to church for the early morning
mass.”

"What is so unusual about that?" asks Hamish, trying to be polite. "Lots of

people drink a bottle of whiskey and get up the next day to go to church.”

“Yes, I know," says the American, "but we are Jewish!”

History records many examples of people in restaurants who have found flies in
their soup. Professor Dingleberry, a world famous authority, has run a survey on
the international situation; his findings are revealing.

In America, if a diner finds a fly in his soup, he sends the dish back and
complains to the manager.

In English restaurants, the fly is carefully removed between finger and thumb,
placed on the table, and then politely ignored for the rest of the meal.

In France, the fly-finder consumes the soup, but pushes the fly to the side of the
plate.

In Scotland, the fly is lifted forcibly out of the soup and squeezed over the plate,
then dropped to the ground and trodden into the carpet.

The Chinese consume the fly with one swallow, and then wash it down with the
soup.

In Jewish restaurants, particularly in NewYork, the diner immediately sends for

the manager and complains, "Is this all I get, just one fly?”

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian Jew are discussing the meaning of

true happiness. "Coming home from work to a loving wife with a gin and tonic,"
spouts the Englishman.

"Ah, you English!" says the Frenchman. "Real happiness is meeting a cute little
girl who spends the night with you. She entertains you and then leaves you
quietly and with no regrets.”

The Russian Jew is sitting, thinking. "True happiness," he says, "I experienced a
few years ago. In the middle of the night the KGB knocked on my door and
shouted: ‘Ruben Finkelstein! You are under arrest!”

The Englishman and the Frenchman look at him in alarm.

"Yes!" says the Russian Jew, smiling happily. "And I shouted back: ‘Ruben
Finkelstein lives upstairs!’”
A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman are staying with their new brides
at a famous honeymoon hotel. As they retire to bed they agree that they will get
together the next day and exchange experiences over some drinks.

The next day the German is asked, "How did you get on last night?”

"Ach, vunce to begin wid, then vunce one hour later, und every time the clock
struck, vunce again, vich vass eight times in eight hours.”
"And what did your wife say?" asks the Englishman.
"Wunderbar, wunderbar!!" cries the German.

The Frenchman tells them, "I am straight away on the work. Zen I am on the
work again when I get back my breath. Zen I sleep and start again, and sleep
and start again, and sleep and start again, twenty times. Then I am halted,
finis.”

"What did your wife say?" ask the other two.

"Magnifique, encore, magnifique!!” cries the Frenchie.

The Englishman has been very quiet.

"Come tell us, how many?" ask his friends.
"Once," he says.
“Once!” they cry. “What did your wife say at dawn?”
"Get off, we need some sleep.”

The morning after.

ITALIAN GIRL: Now you will-a hate me!
BRAZILIAN GIRL: You call that a samba?
RUSSIAN GIRL: My body has belonged to you, but my soul will always remain
free.
AMERICAN GIRL: Who are you? I must have been drunk.
GERMAN GIRL: After we rest awhile, maybe we go to the beer garden, ja?
SWEDISH GIRL: I tink I go home now.
FRENCH GIRL: For this I get a new dress, oui?
JEWISH GIRL: I should have held out for a new mink coat.
JAPANESE GIRL: Now you know it is not so.
ENGLISH GIRL: There, dear, do you feel better now?
And finally, a sannyasin girl: My God, you REALLY want to go to Dynamic
Meditation?
An Englishman and a Frenchman both want to marry the daughter of Sheik
Bab-el-Err, one of the richest men in the world. So the sheik decides to hold a
competition.

He calls the two men to his palace and says, "Whoever of you two can bring me
the most ping-pong balls in one week can have my daughter's hand in
marriage.”

The two men rush off, and within two days the Frenchman's ping-pong balls
begin to arrive. By boat, by plane and by truck, the ping-pong balls keep
pouring in, the palace is completely full of them. On the fifth day the
Frenchman himself comes back, and the sheik welcomes him.

"Well done, my son!" he says. "I am sure that English guy cannot win, we have
not heard a thing from him yet. But I said a week, so we must wait.”

Sure enough on the last day, just before sunset, the door bursts open and the
Englishman staggers in. He is covered in blood and his clothes are torn and
dirty. In his hand he is holding a brown paper bag which he proudly gives to the
sheik.

"What is this filthy mess?" screams the sheik. "Where are the ping-pong balls?”

"Ping-pong balls?" cries the Englishman, in dismay. "My God! I thought you
said King Kong balls!”

The difference between British and French girls is this: they both know what
men like, but the French girl does not mind.

Mendel Kravitz, the American from New York, goes to Japan on a business trip
and meets a lovely young Japanese woman. She cannot speak much English and
he does not know Japanese.

After dinner together they go back to her apartment and Mendel starts to make
passionate love to her. All the time the beautiful Japanese girl is yelling, "Titti
gochi, titti gochi, ah titti gochi.”

Mendel thinks that she must never have had such a great lover as himself. The
next day Mendel and a Japanese businessman are playing golf. Halfway through
the game, the Japanese man hits a hole in one. Not knowing any Japanese, but
delighted for his friend, Mendel wants to show his excitement and cries out,
"Ah, titti gochi!”

The Japanese businessman spins around and looking amazed asks, "What do
you mean, wrong hole?”

Old Sam Finkelstein arrives from Russia to visit his relatives in America. On his
way to Texas he sits down in a train between two rednecks. He nods in a
friendly way but the rednecks sit in stony silence.

Old Sam notices an American newspaper lying on the seat and picks it up.
Having taken classes in English for the past few months, he is able to read most
of the page, but all of a sudden he turns to the redneck on his right and says in
a thick Russian accent, "You look like an intelligent man. Would you be kind
enough to tell me what this word is?”

The redneck winks at his friend and without looking at the paper says, "That
word is ‘syphilis’."

Old Sam thanks him and reads on. A few minutes later he turns to the other
redneck and says, "You are obviously a man of education.Would you kindly tell
me what this word is?”

The redneck smirks, winks at his friend and ignoring the newspaper says, "That
word is ‘gonorrhea’.

"Syphilis and gonorrhea?" cries old Sam. "Ah, my God — that poor Ronald
Reagan!”

Ronald Reagan is visiting India and is met at the airport by Rajiv Gandhi. As
they are driving away in Rajiv's limousine, Reagan notices a lot of people
shitting by the side of the road. He is disgusted and asks Rajiv if this is common
practice in India.

Rajiv is very embarrassed and replies that he is trying to educate the people to
use a proper toilet, but it will take time for the program to be one hundred
percent effective. On a return visit, Reagan and Gandhi are driving through
Washington to the White House when Rajiv notices a man shitting in the street.

He points this out with some satisfaction to Reagan.

The president is furious and orders his secret service agents to arrest the man. A
few minutes later the agent returns.

"Well," snaps Ronald Reagan, "did you arrest him?”

"No, sir," replies the agent, "we couldn’t.”

"Why the hell not?" bellows Reagan.

"Well," says the agent, "it was the Indian ambassador.”

Mendel Kravitz opens a new business and wants an international staff. So he

lures Klaus a German, Paddy the Irishman, and Wu, the Chinaman.

"Klaus," says Mendel, "I'm putting you in charge of production. I want you to
make things efficient around here. And Paddy, you will be in charge of
personnel. Make sure the morale stays good. And Wu, he says to the Chinaman,
"I am putting you in charge of supplies.”

A couple of weeks later, Mendel is touring the business and finds Klaus and
Paddy together.

"Everything is going smoothly?" he asks.

“Ja!" says Klaus. "Production is up double.”

“Everyone's getting on great," says Paddy. "People are all liking each other.”

"How is Wu doing in supplies?" asks Mendel. But neither of them have seen Wu
since the first day. Mendel starts to get worried and looks all through the factory.

As he is walking between some large stacks of boxes, suddenly Wu leaps out and
shouts, “SUPLISE!"

A Frenchman, a German and a Russian are boasting about the modes of

transportation at their disposal.

"I drive a Renault to work," says the Frenchman. "On Sundays I drive my
Peugeot. And when I go abroad, I drive a Citroen.”
"I drive a Volkswagen to work," says the German. "On Sundays I drive my
BMW, and when I go abroad I drive a Mercedes.”

"As for me," says the Russian, "I take the bus to work. On Sundays I drive
around in my little Moskovitch. And when I go abroad, I drive a tank.”

MacTavish, O'Murphy and Hymie Goldberg are mourning the loss of a mutual
friend. MacTavish says, "As you well know, my friends, I am a thrifty Scottish
soul. But there is a legend in my family that if one places a wee bit of money in
the casket so that it may be buried with the body, it will ease the way into the
next world. For the sake of our friend, I will place ten dollars in the casket with
him." And with a flourish, he lets go a ten dollar bill and it flutters onto the dear
departed's breast.

O'Murphy has no intention of being outdone. "Well," he says, "this strikes me

as mere superstition, but I will also contribute that sum." And a second ten
dollar bill joins the first on the dead man's breast.

Hymie says at once, "Do you think' I won't join in this kind deed?“ And
whipping out his check book, he quickly makes out a check for thirty dollars,
places it on the dead man’s breast and takes the twenty dollars as change!

A Polack walks into the travel agent and books for a special sea cruise to Hawaii.
The travel agent directs him to the next room to fill out some forms. Just as the
Polack walks through the door, someone hits him over the head, throws him into
the corner and mugs him.

Later in the same day, an Italian enters the travel agency to book for the special
Hawaiian sea cruise. As he is directed to the next room, he too gets hit over the
head and mugged.

When the two of them wake up, they find themselves floating in the middle of
the ocean on a small raft.

The Italian looks over at the Polack and says, "I wonder if they will fly us back?”

"I doubt it," replies the Polack. "They didn't last year.”
A young Arab returns to his tent late one night, very hungry. He lights a candle
and starts to look through his bag for some food until he finds four dates.

Taking out his knife, he cuts open a date to find it full of worms. He cuts open a
second date, but it too has worms. The third date also has worms. He sighs
deeply, blows out the candle, and eats the last date.

An American from Texas goes to England for a holiday, and when he walks into
a cafe, he asks the waiter for a cup of black coffee.

The waiter replies, "In England, we serve tea. We have three types of tea: we
have orange pekoe tea, which is eighty percent aroma and twenty percent
substance; we have herbal tea, which is twenty percent aroma and eighty
percent substance; and we have English tea, which is preferred.”

Then the Texan says, "I don't want tea, I want black coffee. But in Texas, we
also have three teas. We have s-h-i-T, which has eighty percent substance and
twenty percent aroma; we have f-a-r-T, which has eighty percent aroma and
twenty percent substance; and we have c-u-n-T, which is preferred.”

The Goldbergs are touring India and one day Hymie finds that he has left his
watch in the hotel. He has been photographing an elephant with his trainer, so
he asks the trainer what the time is.

The man slowly reaches out, takes hold of the elephant's balls, shift's them
slightly and says, "It is five to one.”

"My God!" gasps Hymie. "That's incredible. Wait, I want to fetch my wife.”

A few minutes later, Hymie comes racing back with Becky and again he asks the
time.

The man reaches out, cups the elephant's balls as though weighing them, then
moves them to one side and declares, "It is three minutes past one.”

"Fantastic!" cries Becky checking her watch.

Hymie digs a hundred dollar bill out of his pocket and offers it to the Indian if
he will show them how he tells the time. The man shrugs and folds the money in
his dhoti. He motions to the Goldbergs to kneel beside him. They hold their
breath as the man once again cups the elephant's balls in his hands.

Moving them to one side, he says, "Now, do you see that clock over there?”

Continuing their tour of India, Hymie Goldberg and Becky Goldberg go

trekking in the Himalayas. Walking along the path, gazing at the mountain
scenery, Hymie bumps straight into a yeti, one of the legendary abominable
snowmen. The yeti picks up Hymie and runs off into the hills, leaving Becky
wailing and crying that she will never see her Hymie again.

Sure enough, a few minutes later there is a piercing shriek that echoes around
the mountains and Becky fears the worst. But a short while later, Hymie comes
limping down the path into Becky's arms.

"What happened?" she cries in relief. "How did you escape?”

"Well," says Hymie reluctantly, "I thought I was finished, all twisted up like a
pretzel in the creature's arms, until I could not breathe. And then I saw this pair
of balls hanging in front of my nose, so with my last energy I bit the balls as
hard as I could. And you have no idea how much strength a man gets when he
bites his own balls!”

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are arguing about the nationality

of Adam and Eve. "They must have been English," the Englishman offers.
"After all, only a gentleman would share his last apple with a lady.”

"They surely were French," asserts the Frenchman. "They were so hopelessly in
love.”

"They could only have been Russian," declares the Russian. "Who else would
walk around naked, have but one apple to eat between them, and think they
were in paradise?”

You can always tell a man's nationality by introducing him to a beautiful

woman.

An Englishman shakes her hand, a Frenchman kisses her hand, an American

asks her for a date, and a Russian wires Moscow for instructions!
A Viking longship comes to the shore and out jumps a large, hairy Viking in full
battle dress. He strides across the beach, climbs the cliffs, and trots into the
nearest village. Finding no one around, he hammers on the door of one of the
huts and a pretty girl opens it. The big Viking grabs her by the arm and snarls,
"Have you been raped lately?”

"No!" shrieks the terrified girl.

"Okay," says the Viking, "has your Village been pillaged or burned down
recently?” The girl shakes her head. The Viking releases her and runs as fast as
he can back to his ship. He sails further up the coast to another deserted cove.

The Viking arrives in another Village and grabs the first girl he finds. "Have you
been raped lately?" he asks. "And has your Village been burned to the ground in
the last three weeks?”

The terrified girl says no to both questions and runs away. The Viking takes off
his helmet and scratches his head.

"Well," he mutters to himself, "I wonder where the boys have got to?”

An American, an Englishman and an Irishman are all facing a firing squad.

"Listen," says the American to the other two, "one at a time we will think of a
means to distract them; then when the firing squad turn their backs, the one
who creates the distraction runs over the hill. I will go first and show you.”

The squad lines up and takes aim. Quickly the American shouts, "Tornado!"
The squad turn round to look and the American runs over the hill.

The squad starts to line up again and the Englishman yells, "Flash flood!" Again
the squad turns, expecting to see a tidal wave of water. The Englishman
escapes.

For the third time the squad lines up to takes aim. The Irishman, thinking
quickly, yells out, “Fire!"

An Englishman, an American and a Frenchman are on a sea cruise, when the

ship hits a rock and begins to sink. "Women and children first!" cries the
Englishman. "Women and children first!”
"Fuck the women and children!" shouts the American. "Oo la la!" says the
Frenchman. "Do we have time?”

An Englishman goes to visit his doctor. "Doc," he says, "I'm madly in love with
this Polish girl. You've got to help me become a Polack.”

"Are you sure?" says the doctor. "In order to do that, we've got to surgically
remove half your brain.”

The man says that it doesn't matter what it takes, he wants the operation
anyway.

Afterwards, when he wakes up, he finds the doctor standing beside his bed.

"I'm terribly sorry," says the doctor, "we made a bad mistake. We removed three
quarters of your brain.” The man slaps his forehead and cries, "Ah, mama
mia!”

Three of Japan's greatest swordsmen stand poised for the competition to begin.
An enormous crowd has gathered for the event.

Emperor Wu nods his head and an attendant releases a fly from a small
container. Whoosh! Quicker than the human eye, the sword of the first samurai
neatly splits the fly into two parts.The crowd roars its approval.

Another nod from the emperor and a second fly is released. Whoosh! Whoosh!
The second samurai has hardly moved, but before him lies the fly, cut cleanly
into four pieces. The crowd gasps in disbelief.

Wu studies the third samurai for a long moment, then nods to the attendant
who releases another fly. The third samurai makes an impressive flourish with
his sword, but the fly can still be heard buzzing around.

He resumes his stance as the fly buzzes off into the morning sky. Laughter and
giggling ripple through the crowd.

Emperor Wu thinks he's being mocked and made into a laughing stock. He's
furious. "I will have your head for this, you insolent samurai. That fly got away.”
"I know," smiles the samurai wiping his sword, "but he will never make love
again.”
Mrs. Tanelli has recently arrived in America from Italy. At a school gathering
she is cornered by Mrs. Goldberg. "And on our tenth anniversary," Mrs.
Goldberg informs her, “my darling husband gave me a mink coat.”

"That's-a nice," Mrs.Tanelli replies.

"On our twentieth anniversary he gave me a twenty-four carat ring," Mrs.

Goldberg continues.

"That's-a nice," says Mrs.Tanelli. "And what wonderful things has your husband
done for you?" Mrs. Goldberg asks.

"Well," replies Mrs.Tanelli, "right-a after we come to America he send-a me to a

finishing school.”

"Really," said Mrs. Goldberg, "and what did they teach you there?”

"Well," Mrs.Tanelli says, "I used to say, ‘Bullshit!’ and now I say, ‘That's-a
nice!’”

Hymie Goldberg, on a visit to India, is appalled by the country's chaotic traffic.

He asks his host why it was so disorderly.

"In some countries," his host replies, "they drive on the right, in others on the
left. Here we drive in the shade.”

An American couple are touring darkest Africa on safari. They are walking
cautiously through the jungle, when suddenly a huge lion springs out in front of
them. It seizes the wife with its giant jaws and proceeds to drag her into the
bush.

"Shoot!" she screams. "Shoot for Christ’s sake!”

"I can't," answers the husband. "I have run out of film.”

An American makes a bet with an Englishman that whichever of them tells the
most unbelievable story, wins.

"You start then," says the Brit.

"Well," says the American, "one day an American gentleman…”

"Enough!" cries the Brit. "You Win!”

An American from Texas is visiting France, and feeling thirsty, he stops at a

house along the road. "Can you give me a drink of water?" asks the Texan.

"Of course," says the Frenchman.

"What do you do?" asks the Texan.
"I raise a few chickens," says the Frenchman.
"Really," says the Texan. "I'm also a farmer. How much land do you have?”
"Well," says the Frenchman. "Out front it is fifty meters, as you can see, and in
the back we have close to a hundred meters of property. And what about your
place?”

"Well," says the Texan proudly. "On my ranch, I have breakfast, and I get into
the car, and I drive and drive, and I don't reach the end of the ranch until
dinnertime.”

"Really," replies the Frenchman. "I once had a car like that.”

Helmut's new car has just been delivered. So he offers to give a lift to some of
his friends who are going to a wedding. Unfortunately he has not been told even
how to start the car, so after he has finished bluffing for a while, he confesses his
ignorance.

The others are also German, not too smart either, but luckily at least Herman
can read.

He reads out from a button near the steering wheel, "Push to start." So they all
get out to push.

Different women have different reactions when their husbands kiss them in bed.
The French woman says, "Ooh-la-la, Pierre, ooh-la-la, your kisses are ooh-la-
la.”
The English woman says, “Jolly well done! I say, Winston, your kisses are jolly
well done.”
The Jewish woman says, "You know, Sam, the ceiling needs painting.”
An Englishman, an Arab and a Frenchman are sitting at a sidewalk cafe in
Casablanca, when a gorgeous oriental woman walks past them.

The Englishman drops his teacup and exclaims, "By Jove!”

The Arab murmurs reverently, "By Allah!”
The Frenchman smiles and breathes a soft, "By tomorrow night.”

AnAmerican, an Englishman and a Frenchman are discussing a good example

of ‘savoir faire’.

"Well," says the American, "if you came home and found your wife in bed with
another man and you did not kill the son-of-a-bitch, that would be a good
example of ‘savoir faire’."

"Nonsense, old chap," says the Englishman, "if you came home and found your
wife in bed with another man and you said, ‘Please carry on, sir,’ that is ‘savoir
faire’."

"Non! non!" cries the Frenchman. "If you came home and found your wife in
bed with another man and you said, ‘Please, Sir, carry on,’ and the man was
able to continue —THAT is ‘savoir faire’.”

When an Englishman does not get on with his wife, he goes to the pub; a
Frenchman goes to his mistress, a Greek goes to sea, a German goes to war, an
Australian goes to a cricket match, an Indian goes to the Himalayas, an
American goes to his lawyer and a Japanese goes to commit hara-kiri”.

A Lufthansa airliner has to make an emergency landing at sea. The captain

assures the passengers that they will be picked up shortly and that the plane will
remain afloat for at least thirty minutes.

After twenty minutes have passed no rescue boats have arrived, and the captain
announces, "Everybody who can swim, get on the left wing. And everybody who
can’t swim get on the right wing. Now for the people on the left wing — when
the water gets to your knees, start swimming. And for the people on the right
wing — thank you for flying Lufthansa.”
The people that run international car shows have discovered that the nationality
of the visitors can be determined by the way in which the visitors approach a
car.

If a visitor opens the hood to look at the engine, he is a German.

If he is interested in the style and the lines of a car, he is French.
If he tries the horn, he is Italian.
And if he checks the size and the price-tag, he is a Jew.

A Frenchman, a Swiss and an Italian are on a flight to Italy in their little private
plane. As the weather gets bad they get lost in the clouds.
The Frenchman puts his hand out of the window and suddenly says, "I touched
the Eiffel Tower; this must be France.”
After a while the Swiss puts his hand out of the window and says, "We are
home. This is Switzerland; I touched the mountains.”
Finally the Italian sticks his hand out of the window and says, "This must-a be
Italy.
"How do you know?" ask the others. The Italian pulls his hand in and says,
"They stole-a my watch.”

Ronald Reagan comes to God and says, "Tell me, God, how many years before
my people will be happy?”

"Fifty" years," God replies. Reagan weeps and leaves.

Margaret Thatcher comes to God and asks, "Tell me God, how many years
before my people are happy?”

"A hundred years," replies God. Thatcher weeps and leaves.

Rajiv Gandhi comes to God and says, "Tell me God, how many years before my
people will be happy?”

God weeps and leaves.

A French couple, an Irish couple, and a Polish couple are having dinner
together. The Frenchman says to his Wife, "Pass me the sugar, Sugar.” Not to be
outdone, the Irishman says, "Could you pass me the honey, Honey?” Most
impressed by these clever endearments, the Pole leans over to his wife and says,
"Pass me the pork, Pig.”

An American traveling in the United Kingdom is riding in a train with an

Englishman and an elderly English lady with her pet Pekinese. They have
traveled only a short distance when the dog throws up all over the American's
trousers.

Instead of apologizing, the English woman fondles her dog and comforts it,
saying, “Poor, itsy-bitsy doggy has a little tummy ache.”

A few miles later the dog raises its leg and pisses all over the American. Again
the English woman consoles her dog, saying, "Poor itsy-bitsy doggy has a cold in
the bladder.”

A short while later the dog shits all over the Yank's other things. Exasperated,
the American stands up, grabs the dog and throws it out of the window.

At this point the Englishman comments, "You Yanks are a peculiar lot. You
speak the wrong language, you live on the wrong side of the ocean, and you, sir,
threw the wrong bitch out of the window.”

Adolf Hitler dies and goes to heaven. He behaves so well that St. Peter tells him
he can go back to earth again for a week as a treat. After twenty-four hours, he
is back, hammering at the pearly gates to get in.

"What is the matter, Adolf ?" asked St. Peter, "you have got six more days.”

"Let me in, let me in!" cries Hitler. So St. Peter unlocks the gate and lets him in.

“Adolf,” says St. Peter, “what is the matter? Didn't you enjoy it?”

"Enjoy it?" splutters Hitler. "Enjoy it? Everyone has gone mad down there since
I left. I come back, and what do I find? The Jews are fighting, and the Germans
are making money!”

A Frenchman staying at an English country house for the weekend is attracted

to a debutante, and without much difficulty, seduces her. Several months later
they meet by chance at a very select society ball. He steps forward with
outstretched hand, but she walks straight past him without so much as a nod. As
soon as he can, the Frenchman corners her.

"Surely you remember me?" he says.

"Of course I do young man,” replies the English debutante. “But you are not to
assume that in England a one night frolic constitutes an introduction."

 13. POLISH

Every joke has a long history and background. It will be good sometime to give the whole series
to Sardar Gurudayal Singh, and find the roots of these jokes — their psychology, the people,
because there are many people.

For example, Jews tell jokes about themselves; they are intelligent people. Other people tell jokes
about the Polacks, who are very unintelligent people. They cannot make a joke themselves, that
is impossible. But they are good in a way; they allow the whole world to make jokes about
them. Nice guys!

Kowalski goes into a crowded bar for a few drinks after work. A couple of hours
later, he feels the need to take a shit, so he asks the bartender for directions to
the toilet. "It's upstairs," replies the barman, "down the hall, turn left, and
second door on the right.”

Kowalski, who is pretty well plastered by now, blinks at the bartender, and sets
off in search of the toilet. He manages to get up the stairs all right, but gets
confused from there onwards. Finally, completely lost and desperate to relieve
himself, he pulls up a loose board from the floor and makes his deposit. But
what Kowalski does not know is that this floorboard is right in the middle of the
ceiling of the bar below. When he gets back downstairs, he finds that the bar is
completely deserted, and the place smells awful. Kowalski goes over to the
bartender, sits down at the bar and orders another drink. "Where did everybody
go?" asks Kowalski, drunkenly. "My God!" replies the bartender. "Where were
you when the shit hit the fan?”

Young Spud Kowalski wins a fortune in the Polish National Lottery. When he
comes home that evening, he finds his dad, Kowalski, sitting in front of the TV.

"Hi, Dad!" he says. "Guess What? I won the lottery today.”

"I know," says Kowalski, "I just saw it on the TV. Fifty thousand dollars!”

"Well, Dad," says Spud, "you and mom have been so good to me over the years
that I have decided to give you a cut. Here Dad, take ten dollars.”

"Wow! Thanks, son," says Kowalski, examining the ten dollar bill carefully.
"And now let me give you some good advice.”

"Okay Dad," says Spud. "I'm listening.”

"Son," continues Kowalski, "don't just waste your good fortune. Settle down and
get married properly - not like your mother and me.”

"Gee Dad!" cries Spud. "You mean you and mom never got married? Do you
realize what that makes me?”

"Sure I do, son," snaps Kowalski. "And you're a real tight one, too!”

Jablonski is sobbing into his beer at the Fried Fisherman pub. "Oh, it is such a
sad story,” he wails. "What is the matter?" asks his pal, Klopski.

"It is my kid, Albert," says Jablonski. "For years, day after day, little Albert and
his dog went to school together, until, sadly, the day came when they had to
part.”

"What happened?" exclaim's Klopski.

"Well," says Jablonski, "the dog graduated!”

Fudski is working on the forty-ninth floor of a new apartment construction,
when he feels the need to pee. "Is there a bathroom nearby?" he asks Luigi, the
foreman.

"Listen," says Luigi, "with the wages we pay you, there is no time to go forty-
nine floors down to get there. So do what everyone does: put a plank out over
the edge. I'll stand on this end of the plank, and you walk to the other end and
relieve yourself. By the time it reaches the ground, it will have evaporated.”

"Great idea!" says Fudski. He sets up the plank, Luigi stands on one end, and
Fudski walks to the other end to pee. Just then the phone rings, and Luigi goes
to answer it. Poor Fudski goes sailing wildly through the air towards the ground
below.

Luigi goes downstairs to see what has happened, but gets stopped on the way by
Zabriski, who is working on the tenth floor. "Hey!" shouts Zabriski, "what kind
of perverts have you got on this job?”

"What do you mean?" asks a surprised Luigi. "Well," replies Zabriski. "Some
guy just came flying past here holding onto his prick and shouting, ‘Where did
that asshole go?’”

Good old Olga Kowalski comes stomping down the stairs to find her husband
on the couch watching football on television. "Kowalski," she nags, "how come
we never talk anymore? Other husbands talk to their wives. You have not said
two words to me all week!" Then Olga furiously steps in front of the TV and
demands, “Just say two words!”

"Okay," says Kowalski, stretching his neck around to see the TV. "SHUT UP!”

Klopski is sitting with Seamus at the Dancing Duck Pub, sipping his beer. "Hey,
Seamus,” says the Polack, "how do you do so well with the girls?”

"Easy," says Seamus. "You have to be sophisticated, and you have to have a
gimmick.”

"Sophisticated is easy," says Klopski, swallowing down his tenth beer. "But what
is a gimmick?”
"Well," replies Seamus, "for example, I painted a white Circle on the dashboard
of my car. The girl usually asks me what it means. Then I very casually explain
that it stands for purity.

The conversation generally turns to abstract white things, like virginity. From
there it is easy to talk them into it.”

"Okay," says Klopski, "I think I got it.”

The next evening Klopski paints a white circle on the dashboard of his car, and
then goes to pick up his date, Lucy.

"That is rather unusual - having a white circle on your dash," says Lucy to
Klopski.

"Yes, it is," replies Klopski, thinking quickly as he adjusts his tie. "Do you wanna
fuck?”

Paddy and Kowalski are in town for a drinking spree. After a lot of drinking,
they decide to go to the hundred-story-high, revolving, Roasting Rhinoceros
Restaurant for some dinner. They choose a table overlooking the city lights, but
have only been sitting there for a few minutes when both of them feel the need
to pee.

"Can you tell us where the bathroom is?" Paddy slobbers at the head waiter.
"Certainly, sir," replies the waiter, pointing across the restaurant. “Just go down
the passage over there, turn left and go two steps down.” The directions are
repeated again for Kowalski, who is not quite sure he knows where he is, or
what he is looking for.

“Just remember," says the head waiter, "turn left and two steps down…”

So, Paddy and Kowalski set off across the room and down the passage. They
take the first door on the left and step inside, into the open elevator shaft. One
hundred stories below, Paddy slowly picks himself up off the ground. "How do
you feel?" Paddy asks his Polack friend, lying beside him.

"Not too bad," replies Kowalski. "But I don't think I can manage the second
step.”
Kowalski and Olga are making love in the upstairs bedroom. Just as Kowalski is
about to start up his machinery, they hear a loud banging noise downstairs.
"What's that?" asks Olga, jumping up in bed.

"Nothing," pants Kowalski. "Come on, let's get on with it!”

"No! No way!" demands Olga. "No lovemaking until you find out what is going
on downstairs." Poor Kowalski stumbles downstairs with a very large erection,
and flips on the lights.

Suddenly, the cat jumps out of the window. The dog dives under the sofa.And
the parrot, trapped in its cage, looks around frantically, then tucks one leg under
its wing and screams, "Wait! Wait, you silly Polack… you wouldn't fuck a cripple
would you?”

Luscious Miss Willing starts her new job as a waitress in the Goatburger Cafe.
She approaches a table where Kowalski and Zabriski are sitting after just
finishing their meal. She leans over and, cleaning away the plates, asks, "What
would you gentlemen like for dessert?”

"Uh, I would like raisin cake," stammers Zabriski, noticing her full, white
breasts. "Okay," she says, turning to Kowalski and leaning all the way over,
exposing her beautiful tits. "And is yours raisin, too?”

"Well," says Kowalski, looking down at the napkin on his lap. "Yup, mine is
raisin' too!”

It is training time at Camp Killjoy and the American General, Lard

Peckerhead, is hosting a training camp for a group of Russian and Polack
soldiers. General Popova the Russian officer, and Field Marshal Dogski, the
Polack, are discussing courage with General Peckerhead.

"Let me demonstrate real courage," barks the Russian officer. "Climb up that
telephone pole," he commands one of his men, "and jump straight down." The
soldier obeys immediately, and is carried away by the medical team.

Not to be outdone, the American general yells, "I'll show you courage! Climb
that telephone pole and jump down backwards," he screams at his soldier. The
man does and is also carried away, broken and battered, by the medical team.
"That's nothing," says Field Marshal Dogski, the Polack. "Watch this. Hey,
Klopski! Climb that telephone pole, jump off, do a double-flip, and land on your
head.” The soldier looks at the general, then yells back, "Fuck you, you stupid
bastard!”

"You see, gentlemen?" says Dogski, proudly. “Now, THAT is courage!”

Kowalski is brought to court for stealing a frozen chicken from the local
supermarket. Boris Babblebrain, the young lawyer, puts up an amazing defense
for Kowalski and the Polack is found "not guilty.”

"You are discharged," says Judge Rum-cake. But Kowalski does not move, he
only looks back, blankly. "The judge says you can go," says Babblebrain, waving
his arms at Kowalski and the door.

Suddenly, Kowalski's face lights up and he smiles at the judge. "Thank you, your
honor,” Kowalski says. "And does that mean I can keep the chicken?”

Klopski is overjoyed with his new pet octopus, Clyde. The magnificent creature
drinks vodka like a fish, but also can play any musical instrument in the world.

One evening, after polishing off a few bottles of vodka together, Clyde and
Klopski go out to the Jumpin Jellyfish Jazz Club. Klopski shouts, "Hey,
everybody! I will bet anyone here that my octopus can play anything anyone
gives him.” Laughter fills the bar. Then Benny the banjo player says, "Okay, I
bet you fifty dollars he can't play my banjo.” Klopski nods enthusiastically,
swallows back a shot of vodka and gives one to Clyde.The octopus swallows his
drink and crawls onto the stage, grabbing not one but two banjos on the way. As
he plays "God Save The Queen," he sneaks out a free tentacle and snatches
another glass of vodka.

"Hey, man," yells Pete the piano player, "that is cool. But I will bet you a
hundred bucks he can't play my grand piano.”

"Right!" yells Klopski, swallowing his vodka, and pouring one for the octopus.
Clyde knocks back the vodka and jumps on the piano. Waving all his arms
about wildly, Clyde plays the Polish national anthem stylishly.

"That’s fine," comes a shout from the corner, "but I will bet you five hundred
dollars he will never be able to play these!" It is Hamish MacTavish, and be
brings a set of big, old Scottish bagpipes up to Klopski. "Okay," says Klopski.
But before Klopski can touch them, Clyde leaps on the bagpipes, squeezing and
tangling his arms all over them. Then the octopus and the bagpipes fall onto the
floor in a knotted heap, making only a pitiful gasping sound.

Losing the bet, an enraged Klopski grabs the octopus, holds him up in the air
and cries, "What the hell went wrong with you?”

"Well," grins the octopus, drunkenly, "she looked so beautiful', but I just couldn't
get her tartan panties off !”

As usual, Zabriski and Klopski are drinking in the Meadow Muffin pub. "You
would not believe it," says Zabriski, "but I think my milkman is turning gay!”

"Why," asks Klopski, "what happened?”

"Well," says Zabriski, "my wife was sick in bed the other morning. So I stayed
home late to take care of her. Suddenly, the milkman started ringing the
doorbell, and since I was naked, I slipped on my wife’s bathrobe and went
downstairs.

"As I opened the door, the milkman jumped into my arms, started kissing me,
and trying to take the bathrobe off me!”

"Hey, man, don't worry," says Klopski. "He's probably not gay, that was just a
coincidence.”

"A coincidence? What do you mean?" asks Zabriski. "Well, it is obvious,"

explains Klopski, sagely, "his wife must wear a bathrobe the same color as your
wife’s!”

Kowalski is standing at the urinal quietly pissing, when he notices that he is

being watched by a midget. Kowalski continues his pissing, when suddenly he
sees the midget dragging a stool up next to him.The midget climbs up and
proceeds to admire Kowalski’s machinery from close by.

"Wow!" exclaim‘s the midget. "You have the nicest balls I have ever seen.”

"Well, er… thanks!" says Kowalski, surprised and flattered. Then he begins to
move away. "Listen," says the midget. "I know this is a rather strange request,
but I wonder if you would mind if I touch them?" Startled, Kowalski hesitates.
But seeing no real harm in it, he says, “Okay.” Standing on his tip-toes on the
stool, the midget reaches up and gets a good grip on Kowalski’s balls. Then in a
loud voice, the little guy yells, "Okay, buster! Hand over your wallet, or I will
jump!”

Kowalski's son, Spud, comes back from college and asks his dad a riddle: "What
is long and hard and leaks?”

"Son!" exclaims Kowalski, "I can't believe you would use such vulgar
expressions.”

"Don't get excited, Dad," says Spud. "It’s a pen.”

Kowalski is very amused by this trick, and he decides to repeat it at his next
church gathering. "My son told me this riddle which he heard at college," brags
Kowalski", proudly. "What is long and hard and leaks?”

There is a gasp from his listeners and the ladies all raise their hands to their
mouths in horror. "Don't get excited, ladies," says Kowalski. "It is a pen, not a
prick!”

Zabriski calls for his little son, Albert, and gives him five dollars. "Albert," he
says, "go to the store and get three pounds of butter.” Albert dashes off,
grabbing the family dog, Bucko, to take along with him. On the way to the
grocers, Albert passes his favorite sweet shop and gets a better idea of what to
do with the money. He runs into the candy store and buys sweets. Afterwards,
he sneaks back home and hides the chocolates under his bed. Then little Albert
puts on a sad face and goes to see his father. "What happened?" asks Zabriski.
"Where's the butter?”

"The dog," says Little Albert, pointing to Bucko. "That son-of-a-bitch snatched
the butter away from me and ate it all up!” Zabriski grabs the little dog and puts
him up on the weighing scale. The scale indicates exactly three pounds. Zabriski
scratches his Polack head, turns to little Albert and says, "Well, there's the butter,
now where the hell is the dog?”

Olga Kowalski wakes up late one morning. Her hair is full of curlers, her eyes
are puffy and her face has a mud pack on from the night before. She plods
downstairs to the kitchen in an old housecoat and a worn out pair of carpet
slippers. Lookin'g blearily out of the kitchen window, Olga sees that the garbage
truck is about to move on up the street. She grabs her bag of garbage, dashes
out of the house and races up to one of the garbage men, panting. "Am I too
late?" gasps Olga. "'No, lady," replies the man, "just jump right in!”

Olga Kowalski gets out of bed and goes into the bathroom. She has forgotten
her husband’s warning about sitting on the newly-painted toilet seat. She sits
down and makes herself comfortable. But half an hour later, when Olga tries to
get up, she is stuck to the seat. Kowalski comes home late and finds Olga
freaking out in the bathroom. He manages to unscrew the seat from the toilet
and then phones for the fire department. While the fire truck is on its way,
Kowalski helps Olga into the bed, and then covers her ass with his ten gallon
cowboy hat. Just then, Fire Chief Muldoon and his crew burst into the bedroom
carrying hoses. Muldoon drops his axe and goes over to examine the situation
carefully. After a few moments he pulls Kowalski aside and whispers to him,
"We can save your wife, but I'm afraid the cowboy has had it!”

Kowalski and Zabriski are having a few beers at the Crunchy Crumpet pub.
“Jesus Christ!” says Kowalski. "The judge really nailed me in court today.”

"What happened?" asks Zabriski. "Well," says Kowalski, "first, he fined me five
hundred dollars for attempting to make love to some woman on the bus. And
then, when he took a good look at her, he fined me an extra ten dollars for being
drunk!”

Zabriski is leaving on a business trip to Poland. "1 always hate to leave," he says
to his friend, Klopski. "I never trust my wife on her own. There is always this
doubt… always this doubt.”

"Don't be worried," says Klopski. "I am your best friend. While you are gone, I
will keep an eye on her.”

"Really?" says Zabriski. "Would you do that for me? I am so relieved. I know
that I should trust my wife, but there is always this doubt… always this doubt.”

"It is okay," says Klopski. "Leave it to me.”

Three weeks later Zabriski returns and meets with his friend. "I am afraid I
have some bad news," says Klopski. "Well, what is it?" asks Zabriski. "The very
first night you were gone," tells Klopski, "I watched Seamus O'Ryan sneak into
the back door of your house. Your wife met him there dressed only in high-heels
and red satin panties.”

"Really?" asks Zabriski. "Then what?”

"Then Seamus kissed your wife and he put his hand down into her red satin
panties.”

"Really?" asks a shocked Zabriski. "Then What?”

"Then," says Klopski, "she put her hand down inside his pants, and Seamus
began kissing her breasts.”

"Really?" gasps Zabriski. "Then what?”

"Then," continues Klopski, "they fell back onto the sofa. She threw off her
panties, he threw off his pants, and then the lights went out - so I could not see
any more.”

"What? The lights went out?" shouts Zabriski. "You see what I mean? There is
always this doubt… always this doubt!”

On his first trip out of Poland, Kabloski finds himself sitting next to a priest in
the plane. He has never seen a priest before, and asks, "Why do you wear your
collar back to front?”

"Because I am a father," replies the priest, smiling. "Funny," says Kabloski, "I'm
a father too!”

"Ah!" says the priest, "but I am a father to hundreds of people.”

"Really?" says Kabloski, thinking for a moment. "In that case," he continues,
“shouldn't you wear your PANTS back to front?”

Olga Kowalski wins the draw, and is selected to be a contestant on the famous
TV game show "Popular Polacks.” It is the end of the show, and the excited
emcee announces the final category of questions and the grand prize of one
million dollars.
Olga is selected, and the emcee asks, "Okay, Mrs. Kowalski, for one million
dollars, what category of questions would you like to choose from?”

"Well," says Olga in a nervous voice, "I think I will choose ‘Religion’.”

"Good!" shouts the emcee. "From the category ‘Religion', and for the big
money, the question is - What did Eve say to Adam that fateful night in the
garden of Eden?”

Olga gets worried and thinks and thinks, but after a few minutes she gives up
completely and says, "Oh, my god! That is a hard one.” And the emcee shouts,
"Right! You win one million dollars!”

It is the weekend in Harlem, and Zabriski is in an all-black disco called the

Horny Honky, having a high time and partying like crazy. A beautiful woman
named Kootchee slithers up beside Zabriski and asks, "Hey, baby! Buy a lonely
girl a drink?”

Zabriski smiles at this unbelievable luck and says, "Okay, sure, but to tell you the
truth, I would really like to get screwed.” Kootchee is cool and she can dig it, so
she takes the Polack by the hand and leads him across the smoke-filled, music-
thumping dance floor to a door with a small slit in it marked, “Private."

“Just wait here, white boy," says Kootchee, and she disappears behind the door.
Suddenly the slit opens and a woman's voice asks, "What would you like,
Sugarpie?.”

"Like?" repeats Zabriski. "Like I said, I wanna get screwed.”

“Sho-thing, darling," replies the voice. "But as you can see, this is a private club.
You have to slip one hundred bucks into this slot for a membership fee.”

At this, the partying Polack shouts, "Right on! Get down! And get funky!" as he
puts a hundred dollar bill in the slot. Five minutes go by and nothing happens,
so Zabriski knocks again. When the little slot opens, Zabriski shouts, "Hey! I
wanna get screwed!”

"What?" comes the reply. “Again?"

Spudski, the Polack farmer, is hiring someone to help him run his farm. Clodski
applies for the job and goes for an interview. "Now show me," says Farmer
Spudski, "how you blow your nose.”
Clodski is puzzled, but obligingly clears his nostrils, one at a time into the air,
making a disgusting noise. "Okay," says Spudski, "you are hired.”

"You mean," asks Clodski, “that's all you want to know about me? Why?”

“Well, you see," explains the farmer, "the last guy that worked here had a
disgusting habit. He used to blow his nose into little rubber bags and leave them
in my wife’s bed!”

Jablonski gets married, but does not know what to do with his bride on the
wedding night. So the next day he goes to ask advice from Doctor Gas-Bag. "It
is easy," says Gas-Bag, and takes Jablonski to the Window. He points to two dogs
screwing out in the street and says, "You do it just like that.” A week later,
Jablonski comes back. "Well," asks the doctor, "how did it go?”

"Great, Doc," says Jablonski, proudly. "It was simple, no big deal at all. The only
problem was getting my wife out into the street!”

Olga and Kowalski are living in an LA. apartment, when a young couple moves
in upstairs. Soon, every night, the Polacks hear the noise, "She-BOOM! She-
BOOM!" Coming from the floor above. Olga is intrigued by the noise, and one
day asks the young woman what it is.

"Oh, that," replies the woman. "We have had a slide installed in our bedroom. I
lie at the bottom of it with my legs apart, and my husband slides down… She-
BOOM!”

A few days pass and the young woman does not see the Kowalskis around. She
finds out that Olga is in the hospital, so she goes to visit her. "What happened to
you?" she asks. "It is a sad story," replies Olga. "My husband and I also had a
slide installed in our bedroom, but we only got to try it once. Now I have had
three operations, and they still can’t find Kowalski.”

Kronski is going to join the army, so he goes to visit his girlfriend, Dilda, to say
good-bye. "Oh, darling," cries Dilda. "I don't have a picture of you!” So Kronski
looks in his pockets, and all he has is a photo of himself standing naked. He cuts
the picture in two, and gives her the top half. Next he goes to visit his old
grandmother to say good-bye. "Oh, dear boy," says his granny. "You can't leave
without giving me a picture of you.” Kronski does not know what to do, but
remembering that his granny is half-blind, he gives her the bottom half of the
picture. She looks at it with delight and says, “Just like your grandfather, God
rest his soul. A nice bushy beard, and his necktie always hanging to one side.”

A Polack is badly injured in a car crash and he has to have a brain transplant. A
team of surgeons put him to sleep, remove his brain, and go into the next room
to get a new one. But when they return to the operating room, the Polack is
gone. The police search everywhere for him but without success — he has
vanished. The doctors contact the international police and they check
throughout the world for a brainless Pole. Finally, five years later, they find him.
He is wearing silly robes and a rocket-shaped hat and is living in the Vatican!

Dodoski has fallen on hard times, so he turns to crime. He kidnaps the six-year-
old son of the richest man in Warsaw. Dodoski writes the ransom note, asks for
half a million dollars, and signs his name. But he has forgotten the rich man's
address. So he gives the note to the boy, and tells him to take it to his dad.The
boy does, and when he comes back with the money, he is carrying a note from
his father. It reads: "Here, take the filthy money, you rat. It's guys like you that
give us Polacks a bad name!”

Kowalski is on holiday in a small town in the Italian Alps. After a few lonely
nights he begins to feel the need for a woman. So he asks the local bartender
how to find the ladies of the town. "We gotta no prostitutes," replies the
bartender. "The priest-a would never allow it. But the thing-a you want is-a kept
out of sight.”

"What have I got to do?“ asks Kowalski. The bartender explains that up in the
mountains there are caves. "Go there after dark-a, he says. "And shout-a ‘Yoo-
Hoo!’ into the cave. And if the lady calls back, ‘Yoo—Hoo,’ you work out-a the
price. If she is busy, you get no answer.” So that night, Kowalski "Yoo-Hoo's" his
way from cave to cave, but with no luck. Finally he decides to go back to town to
get drunk, but at the bottom of the mountain he finds a cave that he has not
seen before. “YooHoo, YooHoo!" he shouts. “Yoo-Hoo, Yoo-Hoo!" comes back
the clear reply. So Kowalski rushes into the cave - and is knocked flat by a train!
Pope the Polack is on a pilgrimage to South Africa. He is riding around in the
Popemobile when he sees two white men pulling a black man out of a river with
a rope. The pope directs his Popemobile to the water's edge and leaps out to
meet the two white guys. "Well done," cries Pope the Polack. "You have
completely restored my faith in the people of South Africa by courageously
saving the black man from drowning.”

He then throws himself down and kisses the swamp, jumps back into the
Popemobile, and drives off. "Who was that?" asks one of the white guys. "Oh,
that was Pope the Polack," says the other. "He’s infallible. He knows everything
about everything.”

"Well, maybe he does," says the first white guy, throwing the black man back
into the river, "but he doesn't know SHIT about hunting crocodiles.”

Calvin Dufus, Kowalski's cousin, is at a nightclub where a ventriloquist and his

dummy are telling nothing but Polack jokes. Finally Calvin stands up. "I'm tired
of all these Polish jokes!" he shouts. "What makes you think that we are all so
stupid?”

"Please, sir," says the ventriloquist. "They are only jokes, and I have never met a
Polack without a sense of humor.”

"I'm not talking to you!" shouts Dufus. "I'm talking to that little jerk on your
knee!”

Kowalski's wife, Olga, is more than a little overweight. She works as a cleaner in
the arrival lounge of New York's Kennedy Airport. One day she sees two men
installing a new computerized weighing machine. This machine tells you your
weight, in your own language, and even gives you dieting instructions.

A plane lands and the first passenger comes out. She is Italian and plump.
Spotting the machine, she goes and stands on the platform. There is a two-
second pause, then the machine says, "Your weight-a is seventy-two kilos. You-a
are four kilos too much-a for your size. I-a suggest you knock off-a the pasta!”

Next is an elegant Frenchwoman. There is a two-second pause and then the

machine says, "Zut alors! You 'av zee perfect weight and figure. Whatever it eez
you are doing, continue wiz eet!”
Olga has been quietly observing all this. So after the traffic dies down, she goes
and stands on the platform herself. The two-second pause stretches out to a ten-
second pause and then the machine says, in a desperate voice, “Jesus Christ, will
one of you guys get off !”

Pope the Polack and President Ronald Reagan are meeting in Warsaw, the
capital of Poland. They have come for the official opening of the first public
swimming pool in the city. There is much fanfare and royal display.

Pope the Polack bends down to kiss the ground around the pool, while Ronald
Reagan looks on. Then Reagan cuts the ribbon, officially opening the pool.

Hundreds of screaming Polacks rush and jump in, filling the huge pool. Then
they scream even louder, get out, and jump in again. "It seems the people are
really enjoying themselves," smiles Pope the Polack.

"Yes," says Reagan, "and they will enjoy themselves even more once it is filled
with water.”

Kowalski is sitting around the kitchen reading the newspaper. His wife, Olga, is
getting very bored and frustrated. "Hey, Kowalski," says Olga, "will you take me
to the zoo?”

"No, sweetheart," Kowalski replies, "anyone who wants to see you can come
here.”

While Kowalski is in the hospital, after a nasty accident, he receives this letter
from his mother:

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I be still alive. I am writing this letter slowly
because I know you don't read too fast. You won‘t recognize the house when
you get home because we moved. There be a washing machine in the house
when we moved in, but it not working too good. Last week I put ten of your
father’s shirts into it, pull the chain, and I not seen the shirts since.

Your sister Hannah had a baby this morning. I not find out yet if it be a boy or
a girl. So I not know if you be an uncle or an aunt. Your uncle Lenny drown in
a huge barrel of whiskey last week. Some men dived in to save him, but he
fought them off hard.We cremated his body, but it took three days to put out the
fire. Weather is good. It only rain twice last week. First for three days, then for
four days. Try to learn to write soon.

Your loving Mother

P.S. I was going to send you ten dollars, but I have already sealed the envelope.

Pierre, a Frenchman, Tonio, an Italian, and Kowalski, the Polack, are driving
through the countryside when their car breaks down. They find lodging at a
farm, and during the night. Pierre decides to sneak into the farmer's daughter's
room.

The farmer hears him walking up the stairs and calls out, "Who is it?”

Thinking quickly, Pierre whispers, "Meow, meow," like a cat, and then goes into
the girl’s room. Half an hour later, Tonio has the same idea. But as he nears the
room, her father shouts, "Who is there?”

Tonio also makes the sound, "Meow, meow," and then sneaks into the girl's
room.

Later on, Kowalski decides that he, too, should have some fun. Just as he gets to
the girl's room, the father shouts, "Okay, who is it?” Kowalski replies, "It is me,
the cat.”

Two Southern red-necks and Kowalski are removed from a Mississippi

courtroom after being sentenced. In the prison truck one red-neck turns to the
other and asks, "What did yarl git?”

“Two goddam years for beating a Polack," the first red-neck groans. "But," he
adds more cheerfully, "I will be out in six months with good behavior. What did
yarl git?”

"Three goddam years for beating an entire Polack family. But I will be out in ten
months with good behavior," says the second red-neck. After a short silence,
they both turn to Kowalski and ask what he got.
"Life," replies Kowalski. "I got life for riding my bike without lights. But,"
Kowalski brightens, "I should be out in fifteen years. It wasn’t even dark.”

Slobovia meets Kowalski at the "Pope and Hooker" pub for a few midnight
beers. "How is your wife’s cooking?" asks Kowalski.

"I came home tonight," says Slobovia, "and my wife was crying and weeping
because the dog had eaten a pie she made for me. ‘Don't cry,’ I told her, ‘I will
buy you another dog.’"

Kowalski goes to stay in a big hotel in Los Angeles for the first time. "I am not
going to have this room," Kowalski complains to the bell-boy. "It is so small I
can hardly move in it. It is no better than a pigsty, and I am not going to sleep
on that tiny folding bed. Just because I am a Polack, don't think you can fool
me!”

"Please get in, sir," says the bell-boy. "This is the elevator!”

The zoo has hit upon hard times, and as the animals die, the director can't
afford to replace them… until he has a brilliant idea.

Sometime later, Kowalski is walking past the zoo, when he sees a sign, "Strong
man wanted, apply within.”

So he goes in and the director tells him, "Our star attraction, Gregory the
gorilla, has died, and I want you to replace him. All you have to do is put on this
gorilla suit, go out there and thump your chest and eat peanuts.”

Kowalski starts work right away. Every day he thrills the crowd by jumping and
thumping. But the climax of his act is when he climbs up a tree in his pen and
throws peanuts at the lions next door, who get really mad and try to climb the
fence.

Unfortunately, one afternoon Kowalski is up the tree when the branch breaks
and he falls into the lions den. He jumps up and starts screaming and shouting
for help, until one of the lions walks over to him growling and snarling, and then
speaks out of the corner of his mouth. "Shut up, Kowalski,” he Whispers,“or
we will all lose our jobs!”
Meditate over this. It is pure Zen. Everybody is hiding behind a coat: somebody behind a
gorilla coat, somebody behind a lion coat somebody is a mouse, henpecked of course… Come
out! And just be. All these coats that you are wearing are not your being.
Mike, the barman at the Dublin Hotel, is thoroughly fed up with Paddy. Every
night, Paddy comes in five minutes before closing time, orders three beers and
proceeds to drink them very slowly, forcing Mike to stay late. So Mike has an
idea. He has heard about Kowalski working as a gorilla, so he goes and asks him
to come to the pub that night. Kowalski waits in the back room in his gorilla
suit, and when Mike has served Paddy his three beers, he goes and tells
Kowalski to bang his chest, scream and make as much noise as possible.

Hearing such frightening noises from the back room the Whole pub clears out
immediately, except Paddy, who continues sipping his beer. Then Mike says,
"Go out there and really scare him!”

So Kowalski bursts through the door, roaring, banging his chest and jumping up
and down. But still Paddy sips his beer. Then Mike shouts, "Get him, gorilla!”

Kowalski leaps over the bar and jumps on Paddy and they roll out of the door,
wrestling. Mike can hear a terrible noise of fighting outside, but when it is over,
to Mike's horror, Paddy walks in. He is covered in blood and hair, and dusting
himself off, sits down and says, "My God! Give a Polack a fur coat and he thinks
he owns the place!”

Giovanni tells his friend, Zabriski, that he passed his American citizenship test
by writing all the answers on the elastic of his underpants. So Zabriski borrows
Giovanni's underpants and goes for the interview.

The examiner asks Zabriski the first question. "How many states are there in
America?” Zabriski pretends that he is thinking. He turns around in his chair
and sneaks a look inside the waistband of his pants. "Thirty-four," he answers.

The examiner thinks that this poor man must be nervous, so he asks another
question. "What is the color of the American flag?” Zabriski turns away and
checks his shorts again'. "Green and purple," he replies.

The examiner decides to give him one last chance. "Who was the first president
of America?" he asks. Zabriski looks over his shoulder, and stretches the elastic
of his underpants. Then he looks up and proudly proclaims, "Calvin Klein’!"
Kowalski gets a job at a big saw-mill but on the first morning he calls the
foreman over to where he is working and says, "Boss, one of my fingers has gone
with the saw.”
"Well," demands the foreman, "what did you do wrong?”

"I don't know" admits Kowalski, "I just touched it like this... Shit! There goes
another one!”

Kowalski comes home unexpectedly from work, and goes upstairs to the
bedroom. He finds his wife, Gertie, lying naked on the bed looking very flushed,
with her hand clutched over her heart. "My God!" shouts Kowalski, "what is
going on?”

"Oh!" moans Gertie, "phone the doctor. I think I am having a heart attack!”

"What?" shouts Kowalski. He turns and races downstairs to the phone and dials
Doctor Bones. Just then, his little daughter comes up to him and tugs at his
sleeve. "Dad," she says, "there is a man hiding, naked, in the bedroom closet.”

"What?" shouts Kowalski. He drops the phone and races back to the bedroom.
He opens the closet door and finds his best friend standing there without any
clothes on. "For Christ's sake, Ed," shouts Kowalski, "my wife is in the bedroom
having a heart attack, and you have got to sneak around naked, scaring the
kids!”

One day, Kowalski walks into the circus manager's office and says, "I have got a
great act to show you. I can do a swallow dive from one hundred feet onto solid
ground.” The circus manager is skeptical but agrees to see the act. So they go
into the big tent and Kowalski climbs up the ladder to the top. Then he does a
perfect dive to the ground.

He lands on his head with a terrific crunch, but then gets up, rubbing himself
and groaning softly. The manager runs over to him and says, "That was
amazing! The most incredible act I have ever seen! I will give you five hundred
dollars a night!” Kowalski shakes his head. So the manager says, "Okay, just
name your price and I will pay it!”

"I am sorry," replies Kowalski, "I don't want to do it again. I had no idea it
would hurt so much!”
One day Lupo is walking home when he notices a huge gorilla standing on the
roof of his house. Not knowing what to do about it he looks in the phone book
under GORILLA REMOVALS.Then he calls up Kowalski's Get Lost Gorilla
Service and explains the situation. Ten minutes later Kowalski arrives with a
banana, a bulldog, a butterfly net, a ladder and a loaded gun.

"Okay," says Kowalski, "it is quite a simple thing. I am gonna throw the banana
at the gorilla, and while he is busy eating it, I am gonna climb up the ladder and
push him off the roof. "Then the bulldog is trained to grab him by the nuts, and
when the gorilla holds himself in pain, you throw this butterfly net over him.”

"Great!" shouts Lupo, with enthusiasm. "But what about the gun?”

"Well," explains Kowalski, “if I miss the gorilla and fall off the roof myself, you
shoot the dog!”

Kowalski hears a noise in the garden and goes out to find his dog playing with
the neighbor’s pet rabbit. Kowalski manages to get the rabbit out of the dog's
mouth, but finds that it is already dead. He does not want to upset his neighbor,
so he sneaks over the garden fence and puts the rabbit back in its pen, so that
the neighbor will think it died peacefully at home. That evening, Kowalski hears
his neighbor freaking out in the garden. "What is the matter?” asks Kowalski,
innocently. “I have just found my rabbit, dead, in its pen," replies the neighbor.
"Oh dear! " sighs Kowalski, sympathetically. "That's okay," says the neighbor,
"it's just that I had already buried it yesterday!”

Kowalski wants to go moose hunting in the wilds of Canada. So he arrives at a

small trading post to buy some equipment. The storekeeper advises Kowalski to
hire Bruno, the greatest moose-caller in the country. "It is true," says the
Storekeeper, "that Bruno is expensive, but he has a sexy quality in his voice that
a moose finds irresistible!”

"What does he do?" asks Kowalski. "Well," explains the storekeeper, "Bruno will
make his first call when the moose is five hundred meters away. When the
moose hears it, he will be filled with desire and approach to two hundred
meters. "Then Bruno will call again, only this time, he will make it more
suggestive.The moose will rush closer, and then Bruno will make his sexiest call.
The moose will become inflamed with carnal desire and come to a point just a
few meters away.

"And that is the time, my friend, when you shoot!”

"Suppose I miss?" says Kowalski. "Ah," sighs the Storekeeper, "that would be a
catastrophe!”

"But why?" asks Kowalski. "Well," replies the Storekeeper, "then Bruno gets
screwed!”

A patient in the hospital accidentally has a bowel movement in his bed. Not
wanting the nurses to find out, he bundles up the sheet and throws it out of the
Window. It lands on Kowalski, who is walking in the street below. After a fierce
struggle Kowalski disentangles himself from the sheet and goes into a bar to
calm his nerves. "My god," says the bartender, "you stink’!"

"You would too," replies Kowalski, "If you had just beaten the shit out of a
ghost.”

The Kowalski family are returning from a trip to Mexico in a Cadillac. As they
are crossing a bridge, they are flagged down by the local police chief and
surrounded by TV cameras. "Congratulations!" says the top cop, "you are the
millionth car to drive across our new bridge and you have just won the grand
prize of one million dollars. May I ask you what you plan to do with all that
money?”

"Well," replies Kowalski, from behind the steering wheel, "the first thing I am
going to do is to get my driver's license.”

"Don't listen to him," snaps his wife, Olga. "He always talks like that when he is
drunk!” Granddad Kowalski, who is a little deaf, shouts out from the back seat,
"I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car!” And then two Mexicans climb
out of the trunk, and one of them asks, "Are we over the border yet?”

Gertie Kowalski goes to visit Dr. Bones with cuts and scratches on her knees.

"How did this happen?" asks Bones.

Gertie blushes a deep red, but then she finally tells him. "The truth is, Doctor,"
she says, "that I have been doing it doggie style.”

"Well, that is no problem to cure," says Bones. “Just roll over and do it in the
missionary position.”

"I have tried it," says Gertie, "but each time I do, I get knocked out by the smell
of my dog‘s breath!”

Mrs. Zabriski walks into her son's bedroom, turns on the light and shakes him
roughly. "Come on,” she says, "you have got to get up and go to school.”

"But Mom," whines her son, "I don't wanna go to school.”

"It is eight o'clock," says Mrs. Zabriski, "You gotta go!”

"But, Mom, I hate school," he says, "the kids don't like me, the janitor does not
like me, even the teachers don't like me.”

"You gotta go," insists Mrs. Zabriski, "you are forty years old and you are the
headmaster.”

Zabriski gets a job painting the white line down the middle of the road. On the
first day, the Polack paints five miles of road. He does such a great job that the
boss calls him in and gives him a bonus. But the next day Zabriski only does
three miles, and the day after, only one mile. The boss calls him in again and
asks him, "What has happened?”

"Well," explains Zabriski, "every day it takes me longer to walk back to the
bucket of paint.”

Kowalski stops his convertible car at the red light, and. a motorcycle cop pulls
up alongside. The cop looks over and sees that Kowalski's back seat is full of
penguins wearing little Ray-ban sunglasses. "Okay, wise guy," says the cop, "take
those penguins to the zoo and don't ever let me catch you trying to pull a stunt
like this again. Next time, I will arrest you.” Frightened by this, Kowalski
immediately takes off towards the zoo. Later that evening, the same policeman
notices Kowalski driving along in his car and sure enough, the back seat is full
of penguins. Only this time, the penguins are all wearing little black bow ties.
"Okay, buddy," snarls the cop after he has stopped the car, "what is the big idea?
I told you to take these penguins to the zoo or I would arrest you.”

"But officer," gasps Kowalski, "we went to the zoo.”

"Well," snaps the cop, “so?" Kowalski explains, "So tonight we are going to the
theater.”

Back at the zoo, Luigi's demand that Griselda the Gorilla's children be brought
up Catholic is turned down by Herman Kanubowitz, the zoo's Jewish director.
(SEE CHAPTER 22, ITALIAN, PAGE 582)

As a last resort, Griselda's keeper puts a sign up on the gate of the zoo, which
reads: "One thousand dollars to mate with ape!” Kowalski has just returned
some penguins to the zoo, when he sees the sign and walks into the keeper's
office. The keeper takes one look at Kowalski and knows that he has found his
man. However, like Luigi, Kowalski also has three conditions.

"First," says Kowalski, "nobody tells my wife.”

“Absolutely not!" replies the keeper.

"Second," says Kowalski, "nobody tells my workmates.”

"Don't worry, " replies the keeper, "complete secrecy will be maintained.”

"Okay," says Kowalski, "and third… can I pay in installments?”

Kowalski is drinking in a bar with a friend. "I love America," he says, "I am so
glad I came over here. Where else in the world could you finish a hard day's
work and be waiting for a bus outside the factory gates, in the rain…”

"What? What is so great about that?" interrupts his friend. “Just wait," continues
Kowalski. "Then the boss comes out in his black Rolls Royce, opens the door
and says, ‘It is a hell of a night — come in out of the rain’. ‘When you are
inside, he says, ‘That coat's all wet; let my buy you a new one.’
"And after that, he takes you back to his mansion and gives you a big meal and
a few drinks and a warm bed for the night.And in the morning, he gives you a
good breakfast and a ride back to work. That would never happen in Poland.”

"Amazing," says his friend, "that happened to you?”

"Not to me," replies Kowalski. "It happened to my sister!”

Kowalski goes into the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream. "I'm
sorry, sir," says the clerk, "but we are out of chocolate.”

"Oh," says Kowalski, "in that case I will take some chocolate.”

"No, no, sir," says the clerk, "you don't understand. We have run out of
chocolate.”

"Oh," says Kowalski, "then, just give me some chocolate.”

The clerk looks hard at Kowalski and says, "Okay! Spell, ‘van', as in vanilla.”
Kowalski spells “V-A-N."

"All right," says the clerk, "now spell ‘straw', as in strawberry.” Kowalski spells
S-T-R-A-W. "Good!" says the clerk, "now, spell ‘fuck’ as in chocolate.” Kowalski
looks puzzled and says, "But there is no fuck in chocolate.”

"Aha!" shouts the clerk, "that's what I have been trying to tell you!”

Zabriski goes to his local branch of the National Bank of Poland to deposit his
wages of one week. Worried about the dire conditions of the Polish economy, he
enquires what would happen if the bank collapses. "All our deposits are
guaranteed by the ministry of finance," the teller replies. "But what if the
ministry of finance could not honor the guarantee?" persists Zabriski. "In that
case the Polish government itself would intercede," the teller says, getting
irritated. "But what if the government goes bankrupt?" asks Zabriski. "In that
case our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union would naturally come to our
assistance," snaps the teller. "But what if the Soviet Union collapses?" cries
Zabriski. "Idiot," snorts the teller, "isn’t that worth losing one week's wages?”

A Frenchman, a Jew and a Polack are each sentenced to thirty years in prison.
Each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden.
"A woman," asks the Frenchman. "A telephone," says the Jew. "A cigarette,"
says Kowalski.

Thirty years later the Frenchman walks out with the woman and ten kids.

The Jew strolls out carrying a ten thousand dollar commission he has made
during the time. Kowalski walks out and says, "Has anyone got a match?”
Kowalski, the Polack farmer, is struggling to hold a pig above his head while the
pig eats apples from a tree. A man passing by watches this for a moment and
says, "Why don't you pick some apples and put them in a trough? It will save
time.”

"Don't be a dummy," snorts Kowalski. "Pigs don't care about time.”

Kowalski goes into Doctor Bones’ surgery with both his ears burnt. "I have
never seen such a case," exclaims Bones. "What on earth happened?”

"I was ironing my clothes," explains Kowalski, "when the phone rang.”

"But what about the other ear?" asks Bones. "Well," replies Kowalski, "I had to
phone for the ambulance.”

Kowalski and his wife are celebrating their twenty fifth wedding anniversary. As
a surprise he comes home with a little monkey. "What's that?" asks Olga, his
wife. "It's a monkey," replies Kowalski. "What did you think it was? This is my
anniversary present to you.”

"You are crazy! " she cries. "What are we gonna do with a monkey?”

"Well," says Kowalski, "he's gonna eat with us, he's gonna sleep with us…”

"Sleep with us?" shouts Mrs. Kowalski. "What about the smell?”

"Listen," says Kowalski, "after twenty-five years, if I could get used to it, so will
the monkey.”

Edna and Zabriski have a lovely Polish wedding in Chicago. "Let us be good
Americans,” says Zabriski, "and have a black baby.”
"Okay," says the young bride. Nine months later Edna gives birth to a beautiful
white baby. Next year their second baby is white, and a year later she gives birth
to another white baby. "We must be doing something wrong," says Zabriski.

"I will ask my friend at work.” So Zabriski meets his friend, Dougie, the huge
black foreman, and asks him why they could not have a black baby. "Hey, man,"
says Dougie. "Have you got a prick that is fifteen inches long?”
"No," answers Zabriski. "Is your prick five inches wide?" asks Dougie. "No,"
replies Zabriski. "Well, that's your answer then," says Dougie. "You are letting in
too much light.”

Pope the Polack is on a pilgrimage when his plane crashes in the Sahara. Only
the pope and a nun survive. They are lucky to catch a camel and start to ride it
towards the nearest town, a hundred miles away. But on the second day the
camel drops dead. As they wait for death, the pope sighs, "The only thing I
regret," he says, "is that I have never seen a naked woman in my life.”

"All is pure to a pure man," says the nun, and takes off her clothes. The pope is
amazed and blesses the nun for showing him. Then the nun confesses her desire
to see a man's body before she dies. Pope the Polack takes off his clothes. The
nun gazes at his prick. "What is THAT?" she asks. "THAT," says Pope the
Polack, "is the giver of life.”

"The giver of life!" exclaims the nun, jumping up and down. "Well then, stick it
in the camel and let's go home!”

Pope the Polack and a nun arrive in a small town in the middle of the Sahara
desert, riding a very fresh and alive looking camel. The pope is completely
exhausted and decides to have a few days vacation.

He checks into a caravanserai for the night and the next morning comes out of
the tent wearing his underpants and carrying a towel across his shoulder.

"Excuse me," he asks one of the Bedouins, "but can you tell me how far it is to
the water?”

"Oh," the Arab replies, "a few hundred miles.”

"Shit," says Pope the Polack, "I guess I will have to stay on the beach today.”
The factory has a football game between the Polacks and the Italians. They play
all afternoon, but neither team is able to score.

At five o'clock, the factory whistle blows and the Italian team walk off the field.

Twenty minutes later the Polacks score a goal.

Hymie Goldberg is wandering through the Sahara desert carrying a
watermelon under his arm. He stares into the distance where he thinks he is
seeing a mirage. But no, it turns out to be Pope the Polack walking towards him,
carrying a car door. They greet each other and the pope asks Hymie why he is
carrying the watermelon.

"Every time I get thirsty I eat a slice," explains Hymie. "And what are you doing
with that car door?”

"Well," says Pope the Polack, "every time I get too hot I just roll down the
window.”

I have heard, there is a commune in Poland which has only four members.
Their names are Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

One day there is an important job to be done and Everybody is sure that
Somebody will do it. Anybody could do it but Nobody does it. Somebody gets
angry about that because it is Everybody's job. Everybody thinks that Anybody
can do it but Nobody realizes that Everybody won't do it. It ends up that
Everybody blames Somebody when Nobody does what Anybody could have
done.

Here in this place, all those four are present - and enjoying immensely! There is no need to
condemn anybody. Everybody is what he is supposed to be.

But man has been dominated by the idea of condemning this, condemning that: this is right that
is wrong. It has created so many layers, so many categories, that somewhere or other it has made
everybody guilty… in so many ways guilty. It has wounded everybody's psyche and destroyed
man ’s dignity, his individuality.

Kowalski is working at a construction site where the boss leaves each day at
eleven o’clock and is gone for two hours. This becomes such a regular
occurrence that one day the rest of the workers decide to spend those two hours
in the bar across the street. But Kowalski decides to head home for some extra
nookie with his wife.

When he arrives home, he finds his boss busy banging Olga in the bedroom. So
he sneaks out and heads back to the job. The following day, Kowalski is working
his ass off when everyone heads across to the bar. "Hey, Kowalski,” calls out one
of them,“aren't you coming?”
"Hell, no!" says Kowalski. "I almost got caught yesterday.”

The mind is a Polack….

How do you make a one armed Polack fall off a flagpole?

Answer: You wave to him.

Why did the Polish Government import five hundred million tons of sand from
Saudi Arabia?
Answer: They wanted to drill for their own oil.
Did you hear about the Polish lesbian?
Answer: She likes men.

The mind is certainly part of Poland.

Two Polacks are leaving school to go out into the world. One of them asks the
other, “And what are you going to do with your life?”

"Well," replies the other, "I have decided to be a chicken farmer.”

Five years later they meet on the street and the first Polack asks, "How is the
chicken farm going?”

"My God," replies the other, "it was a complete disaster. All my chickens died.”

"Why," asks his friend, "what happened?”

"I am not sure," the other Polack replies. "I either planted them too deep or too
close together!”

One day a Polack walks into a store and asks for some egg-ski, some milk-ski
and bread-ski. The shopkeeper looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?”
"Yes," replies the embarrassed Polack. "How did you know?”

"Simple," says the shopkeeper, "you put ‘ski’ at the end of all your words.”

The Polack walks out determined to improve his English. So for five years he
goes to night school.
When he is satisfied, he goes back to the market, walks into a store and says in
an impeccable English accent, "My good man, please give me a dozen eggs, a
bottle of milk and a loaf of bread.”

The shopkeeper looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?”

"My God!" exclaims the Polack. "How the hell do you know that?”

"Simple," says the shopkeeper. "This is a hardware store.”

Kowalski is walking down the street, and passes a hardware store advertising the
sale of a chain saw that is capable of cutting a hundred trees in an hour.
Kowalski thinks that it is a great deal and decides to buy one. But the next day
he comes back with the saw. “I want my money back,” complains Kowalski.
"This thing did not come close to chopping down the hundred trees that you
said it would.”

"Well," says the salesman, "let’s test it out back." Finding a log, the salesman
pulls the starter cord, and the saw starts up with a great roar. “HOLY SHIT!"
cries Kowalski. “What is that noise?”

Two polacks rent a rowboat and go fishing in a lake. They are catching fish after
fish, and have almost two dozen by the end of the afternoon. One man says to
the other, "Why don't we come back to the very same place tomorrow?”

"Good idea," his friend answers. So the first man takes a piece of chalk, and
draws an X on the bottom of the boat. "Don't be stupid!" the friend says. “How
do you know that we'll get the same boat tomorrow?”

Mendel Kravitz and Kowalski are sitting in a bar watching the news on
television. On the news, they are showing a woman standing on a ledge,
threatening to jump. Mendel says to Kowalski, "I will tell you what. I will make
a bet with you: If she jumps, I get twenty dollars. If she does not, you get twenty
dollars. Okay?” “Fair enough," says the Polack.

A few minutes later the woman jumps off the ledge and kills herself. Kowalski
gets out his wallet and hands twenty dollars to Mendel. A few minutes later
Mendel turns to Kowalski and says, "Look here, I can't take this twenty dollars
from you.
I have a confession to make. I saw this on the news earlier this afternoon. This
was a repeat.”

"No, no," says the Polack, "You keep the money, you won it fair and square.You
see, I saw this on TV earlier in the day, too.”

"You did?" says Mendel. "Then why did you bet that the woman would not
jump?”

"Well," Kowalski, "I didn't think she would be stupid enough to do it twice!”

A Polack is crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. After two months alone with
the camel, and dreaming of beautiful women, he starts to find the camel
attractive and decides to make love to her. But as soon as he is ready, the camel
stands up, walks a few feet away and stops. The Polack tries again, but again the
camel stands up, walks a few feet away and stops. The Polack tries again and
again with no luck. One day he finds the remains of a plane which has crashed
in the desert, and just nearby a young woman, unconscious, but still alive. For
days he takes care of her and she recovers totally. One morning she comes to
him, looking her prettiest, hugs him and tells him how thankful she is to him for
saving her life. "You have been so sweet with me," she says, "and I like you so
much that I'll do anything for you.” Looking at her beautiful face, the polack
says, "Would you really?”

"Yes," she says. "Oh, that’s great," replies the Polack. "Would you mind holding
the camel for me please?”

It is that fateful day on Calvary Hill. Jesus has been hanging from his cross for
hours, and he is getting weaker and weaker. Suddenly he sees Moseki, his Polish
disciple, among the faces in the crowd below.

"Moseki, Moseki," gasps Jesus to the Polack.

"Moseki, come here; I have a message for you and your people.”

Moseki shimmies up the cross, bringing his ear next to Jesus and says, “Yes,
Lord, what is the message for us Polacks?”

"The times are dangerous for my Polish disciples," whispers Jesus, "so until I
come back, just act dumb!”
Officer Dopeski, of the Warsaw Police traffic control team, is sitting in his car
eating a potato sandwich when he sees a bright red Ferrari speed past him at
one hundred and eighty miles per hour.

Officer Dopeski nearly chokes on his sandwich in excitement as he slams his

door, starts his car, flicks on his red flashing lights, flicks on his siren, fastens his
seat belt, checks his pistol, opens the glovebox and looks for his ticket book,
slams the gearshift into GO, and stomps on the gas pedal.

One hour and two hundred miles later, Officer Dopeski finally manages to stop
the speeding Italian sports car. "Okay," says Dopeski, fumbling nervously with
his ticket book. “Just tell me your name!” The driver of the Ferrari looks up and
says, "My name is-a Alfonso de Villa Martino Rivera Giovanni Tortoni Baloni.”
“Well…” replies Officer Dopeski, perspiring, “...don't do it again!”

Kowalski goes to San Francisco for the first time in his life, and is very excited
about seeing the city lights… city sights. He checks into the famous Daffy Duck
Hotel, and before he retires to bed, he asks the clerk what time the meals are
served. "Well, sir," replies Reginald, the clerk, "we serve breakfast from six to
eleven, lunch from eleven to three, and dinner from three to eight.”

"My God!" exclaim's Kowalski. "When the hell am I going to see the sights?”

Kowalski decides to take his family on vacation to Miami Beach. He piles

everybody into his old Ford and heads on down the Florida highway. Three
days later, he is back.

"What happened?" asks Jablonski, the next door neighbor. "Didn’t you like
Miami Beach?”
"I never got the chance to find out," explains Kowalski. "I was driving down the
highway when I came to a big sign that said: ‘MIAMI BEACH - LEFT.’ So I
turned around and came back home!”

Herman Humpski is getting married to Hilda, his childhood sweetheart, but he

is very worried because he is not sure about what to do on the wedding night.
He confides in his experienced friend, Kowalski, who thinks for a moment, and
then comes up with an idea. "Listen," says Kowalski, "no need to worry. I will
take the hotel room next to your honeymoon suite, and when it is time to go to
bed, just sneak into the bathroom and I will give you instructions through the
wall.”

"Great idea!" says Herman, very relieved, and the two of them go to book the
hotel rooms. The wedding goes fine, and at the reception the cake is served by
Hilda, the bride, who manages to eat an enormous quantity of it herself.

Later, at the honeymoon hotel, the young couple are getting ready for bed,
when Herman sneaks into the bathroom, locks the door and knocks on the wall.
Kowalski and Herman have difficulty in hearing each other through the wall, so
the instructions take along time.

Meanwhile, back in the bedroom, Hilda is dying to relieve herself of the

mountain of wedding cake she has eaten. She pounds on the bathroom door
but Herman will not let her in. Finally, in desperation, she shits in a shoe box
and leaves her deposit outside the bathroom door.

Sure enough, when Herman has received all Kowalski's instructions, he flings
open the bathroom door and steps right in the shoe box.

"Ah!" cries Herman, "this box is full of shit!” From the other side of the
bathroom wall, Kowalski shouts, "You idiot! Turn her over!”

Kowalski is returning home from a morning's hunting, with his shotgun in one
hand and his hunting bag slung over his shoulder. His friend, Slobovski, sees
him across the road and calls out, "Hi, Kowalski! Been hunting?”

"That's right," replies Kowalski. "Been hunting ducks.”

"Far out!" says Slobovski. "How many did you get?”

"Well," replies Kowalski, "If you can guess how many ducks I've got in my bag -
I'll give you them both!”

"Ah!" says Slobovski, scratching his head. “Three?"

Kowalski and Zabriski go moose hunting every year in Canada, to try and catch
moose for the local zoo. This year, as usual, they hire a seaplane and a pilot.
They fly deep into the Canadian Wilderness, and land on a lake. As the pilot
drops them on the shore, he gives them a warning. "Now remember,” he says,
"only one moose, or we will have too much weight to take off again. I will be
back to pick you up in a week.”

The plane takes off into the air and the two Polacks, armed with a crate full of
vodka, take off into the wilderness. One week later, they are standing on the
shore with two moose when the plane arrives. "I told you guys, only one
moose!" cries the pilot. "Come on," replies Kowalski, "last year the pilot took us
with two moose. HE was not afraid!”

Eventually, after a lot of vodka and persuasion, the pilot agrees and they push
the two moose onto the plane. The plane starts from the shore, but there is too
much weight to take off and they crash into the trees at the other end of the
lake. The moose escape and run off into the forest.

Kowalski and Zabriski wake up and look around at the wreckage. "Where are
we?" asks Zabriski, completely dazed. "Ah!" says Kowalski, looking back at the
lake. "About a hundred yards further than last year!”

Big Olga, Kowalski's overweight wife, is getting enormous. So she goes to

Doctor Gasbag to see if she can get some advice. "You need much more
exercise," says Gasbag. "And you eat far too much. You must exercise every
day.”

"But doctor," complains Olga, "what exercise should I do?”

"It is easy," replies Gasbag. "Begin slowly. Just strip off, lie down on your bed,
and try to sit up and touch your toes. Then lift your legs back over your
shoulders. Keep doing this until you start sweating off those pounds.”
That night, Olga decides to give it a try. Naked, lying on the bed, she can hardly
see her toes. Still, she pushes forward, and tries to grab her feet. Then she lifts
her legs back.

But she gets stuck with her bum sticking out and her legs pushed back over her
head.

At this point, Kowalski stumbles into the bedroom, utterly drunk.

“Jesus Christ, Olga!" he shouts in shock. "Comb your hair and put your teeth
back in! You look like your mother!”

It is a beautiful summer Saturday, so Zabriski decides to sunbathe in the nude

for the first time in his life. He is on the roof of his apartment building, and he
forgets about the time. Five hours later, he finds himself practically burnt to a
crisp - especially his prick. Later that night, Zabriski is in bed with his new
Polack girlfriend, Carmen Klopski, and he is in agony. So he gets up, tiptoes to
the kitchen, pours a tall glass of ice-cold milk, and submerges his lobster-red
machinery into it. Zabriski sighs from the cool relief, when suddenly Carmen
appears in the doorway. "Oh, my God!" she gasps. "So THAT is how you guys
load that thing!”

Kowalski and Zabriski are walking down the street in New York, and Zabriski is
saying how much he hates Italians. “Greasy wops," he grumbles, "always
making a noise. And talk about STUPID…! I wish they would all go back to
Italy!”

In the middle of this outburst, the two Polacks walk around a corner. They run
smack into Old Luigi, who is playing loudly on a violin, with a little monkey
dancing beside him.

Luigi really looks the part. He is dressed in an old greasy, spaghetti-stained coat.
He has a gold earring in one of his ears, and he is playing his violin and singing
in Italian at the top of his voice. Kowalski is astonished when he sees Zabriski
pull out his purse and put a dollar bill in the little monkey's outstretched cap.

"What did you do that for?" asks Kowalski, when they have walked on. "I
thought you hated Italians.”

"I do," admits Zabriski, "but they are so cute when they are young!”
Olga Kowalski is chatting to her friend, Rosa, over a cup of coffee. "If you ask
me," says Olga, "the television is a stupid invention.”

"Why is that?" asks Rosa, munching on a cookie. "Well," says Olga, "all it is, is
crime - or sex!”

"Really?" replies Rosa. “I'm sick of it," says Olga. "Whenever I switch the TV
on at night, all I see is violence!”

"Then why don't you switch it off ?" suggests Rosa. "Well if I do that," replies
Olga, "then Kowalski wants to have sex!”
Kowalski is out for a drive in the countryside in his new Chevrolet car. He stops
on the top of a hill and gets out to admire the view. It is a beautiful, peaceful
scene, with a black horse and a white horse chomping grass in the field nearby.
Satisfied and breathing a deep sigh, Kowalski gets back into his Chevy, but the
car will not start. He gets out, walks around to the front of the car, opens the
hood and looks in dismay at the engine. He is wondering what to do when the
white horse trots up, leans over the fence, sticks his head under the hood, and
says in a deep voice, "Your spark plugs need cleaning!” Kowalski is shocked and
terrified, and runs off to the nearby farmhouse. He sees the farmer in the yard,
and rushes up to him. "My car has broken down," stammers Kowalski, "and
one of your horses told me to clean the spark plugs!”

"Really?" replies the farmer. "Was it the black horse or the white one?”

"The white one," gasps Kowalski. "Pity," says the farmer. "The white one
doesn't know shit about cars!”

Olga Kowalski comes bouncing enthusiastically downstairs in her new Kung Fu

outfit. Kowalski takes one look at her, and puts his hand over his face. "Good
God, Olga!" groans Kowalski. "Now what are you doing?”

"I'm taking Kung Fu lessons," says Olga, proudly - and she playfully slices the
air with her hand, giving Kowalski a punch on the neck. "It is just in case,"
explains Olga, "some sex-fiend tries to rape me on some dark night.”

"Why bother?" remarks Kowalski, slurping his beer. "It will never get THAT
dark!”
Ace pilot, Captain Cliffski, and his faithful co-pilot, Captain Kurtski, borrow a
small airplane from the main runway of Bombay airport to go for a joy-ride.
They are flying around and having a great time, and everything is going fine,
when suddenly Kurtski remembers he has a hot date with Gertie, the Polack
Airlines stewardess. "Hey, Cliffski," shouts Kurtski, over the buzzing of the
engines, "it is time to land. I’ve gotta pee and I've got a date.”

"Roger-dodger," shouts Cliffski, taking the plane into a nose-dive towards the
earth. Kurtski is clutching the controls while Cliffski is frantically working the
foot pedals, and shouting out readings from all the instruments. They finally get
the plane onto the ground, but have to screech to a stop. "Wow!" screams
Cliffski, mopping his forehead. "That was a short runway.”
"Yes," pants Kurtski, collapsing in his seat, and looking from side to side, "but
look how wide it is!”

Captain Kurtski, the pilot, turns on the public address system. "We will be
landing at Moscow airport in three hours time. We hope you have a pleasant
trip. Thank you for flying Polack Airlines.” Then, forgetting to turn off the
loudspeaker, he turns to co-pilot Cliffski. "Take over, Cliffski," says Kurtski, his
voice booming through the plane. "I'm going for a cup of coffee, and then I'm
going to take that new stewardess, Gertie, and give her ALL my hot Polish
machinery.” Gertie, the stewardess, hears this in the main cabin of the plane.
She dashes towards the cockpit to tell Kurtski to shut up. On the way, she trips
and nearly falls over, next to a little old lady. "Don't be in such a hurry, dearie,"
says the little old lady. "Let him finish his coffee at least.”

Balonski is totally drunk and he staggers into a fairground. He goes up to the

rifle range and says, "Give me ten shots!”

"That will be two dollars," laughs the attendant. Balonski fumbles around, pays
the money, grabs the gun, and fires ten quick shots, each of them a perfect
bull’s-eye. The attendant is shocked and amazed as he hands Balonski the grand
prize, a twelve-inch, live turtle. Some time later the drunk returns, dropping his
bottle of vodka on the counter. He plops down two dollars, grabs the gun and
fires another ten shots - again, all of them perfect bull’s-eyes. Flustered, the
attendant sweeps his arm across the prizes and says, "Choose anything you
want.” Balonski looks around blinking and then says, “Just give me another one
of those crunchy meat pies!”
Nerdski is out of work so he goes up to Beverly Hills. He goes around from
mansion to mansion, offering to do odd jobs. Finally, at one huge estate, Nerdski
knocks on the door. "Got any work you need doing?" he asks. "What can you
do?" asks the owner. "I'm a really good painter," replies Nerdski. "Great!" says
the man, handing him a can of green paint. "You can go round the back and
paint the porch green. It is pretty big, so it will probably take you all day.” But
two hours later, Nerdski knocks again at the front door. "I've finished that
porch," he tells the owner. "Wow," says the man. "That was really fast.”

"No problem for me," says Nerdski proudly. "I'm a professional.”

"Okay," says the man. "Here is your money.”

"Thanks," says Nerdski and turns to leave. "By the way," he adds. "That's not a
porch, it’s a Ferrari!”

A Frenchman, an American, and Kowalski go bear hunting together. On the

first evening, the Frenchman comes back to the camp with a big bear. His
companions ask how he managed it. “Simple," replies the Frenchie. "1 saw ze
tracks. I followed ze tracks. And - BANG! I shoot ze bear!”

The next evening it is the American who drags a big bear into the camp. "I saw
the tracks, just like the Frenchie," says the yank. "I followed the tracks and -
BANG! I got the bear!”

The next evening, Kowalski drags himself into the camp, covered in blood and
bruises. "What the hell happened to you?" ask the other hunters. "I saw the
tracks," moans the Polack. "I followed the tracks. And - BANG! I got hit by a
train.”

Moe, Larry and Curly, three of Poland's top intellectuals, and their Jewish
friends, Matzo, Bagel and Groucho, all take the train together from Warsaw to
Geneva. At the station in Warsaw the Polacks purchase their three tickets, and
then are surprised when they see the Jews only buy one ticket. "Why did you
guys only buy one ticket?" asks Moe the Polack. “Just watch," says Matzo. "You
might learn something.” They all board the train and get underway. Then, just
before the ticket-taker comes, the three Jews take their one ticket and lock
themselves in the bathroom. The ticket-taker punches the three Polack's tickets,
then goes to the bathroom door. He knocks, and says, "Ticket, please.” The
bathroom door opens a little bit, and a hand gives out a ticket. The ticket-taker
punches it, and goes on. The Polacks watch this and are really impressed. Later,
returning to Warsaw, the three Polacks and the three Jews again board the train.
This time, the Polacks have purchased one ticket, but they notice that the Jews
have purchased none. Then, just before the ticket-taker is about to come, the
Polacks all dash into the bathroom and lock the door. Then Matzo, Bagel and
Groucho go into the next bathroom, but before Groucho enters, he knocks on
the door that the Polacks are in and says, "Ticket, please!”

Pope the Polack is about to travel by helicopter around Poland to visit his
people. Leaving Warsaw for the rural areas, he sees the brand new helicopter for
the first time. The pope approaches the craft, bends down and kisses it. He gets
in, sits down, looks around, and then turns to the pilot and asks, "Are you hot?”
"No," replies the pilot. Then the pope turns to the co-pilot and asks, "Are you
hot?”

“No, I am not," replies the co-pilot. "Okay," says Pope the Polack pointing
upwards, "then could we turn off the fan?”

Olga Kowalski goes to the doctor in desperation. "You have got to help me,
doctor!" she cries. "I have got twelve children and I just can't stand the thought
of looking after any more of the little monsters. What can I do?”

"Well," says the doctor, "have you tried contraceptives?”

"I can't do that," says Olga. "My husband is a strict Catholic. But if I have any
more kids to look after, I will go nuts!" ‘

"Okay," says the doctor. "I have been experimenting with a new method. It is
not one hundred percent safe, but you can try it if you like.”

"Anything," cries Olga. "I will do anything!” So the doctor takes out Olga's
womb and implants a monkey's womb. The operation is a success and the
doctor tells Olga to come back for a check-up in a few months. When Olga
comes back, the doctor asks, "How is everything going?”

“Just great," Olga replies. "They come out, hop onto a tree, and off they go!”

Kowalski and Nurdski stagger out of the bar, stumble over to a lamppost, unzip,
take things in hand and start to pee. A cop sees them standing there, walks over
and says, "Hey, you two! Put those things away and stop what you are doing.
Where do you think you are, India?” The two Polacks zip up their pants
obediently. But when the cop has gone, Kowalski starts to laugh. "What is so
funny?" asks Nurdski. "I fooled that cop," says Kowalski, "I put it away, but I
didn't stop!”

Klunski is smooching on the sofa with his girlfriend, Claudia. “Baby,” he

whispers, “which do you prefer, beautiful men or intelligent men?”

“Neither, darling," says Claudia, "you know I love only YOU.”

Kowalski is beginning to go bald and is willing to do anything to cure it. He

hears that there is a witch doctor in the Amazon jungle who has a cure, so he
sets off immediately for South America. After a long and arduous journey
through the jungle, he reaches the hairy Amazon tribe and goes straight to
consult the witch doctor about his baldness. "No problem," says the medicine
man. "You must go and see Samba Wamba, the biggest Amazon woman in the
tribe. All you have to do is spend the night with your head resting between her
legs, and your problem will be solved.” And sure enough, by the time Kowalski
gets back home he has a headful of black, curly hair. A few days later, Kowalski
is sitting on the bus behind a man with a shiny bald head. Hoping to share his
good fortune with the fellow, Kowalski taps him on the shoulder. But when the
man turns around, Kowalski sees that he has a large black curly beard and
mustache. "Wow!" says Kowalski. "You must be a GOOD friend of Samba
Wamba!”

Bernard the bartender owns a dog called Bessie, who always hangs out in the
bar during the evening. But one day, just after Bernard has opened the bar,
Bessie wanders over to the entrance and deposits a big shit just inside the door.
Bernard does not notice this, and the first customer to come in is Kowalski.
Kowalski's first step inside lands straight in the pile of shit. He slips ass over tit,
slides along the floor and hits his head against the bar. “Wow!" cries Kowalski,
rubbing his head. "Give me a double whiskey.” The next guy to come in is
McDuffy, a huge Irishman. He also steps in the shit, slips ass over tit, slides
across the floor and hits his head on the bar. “Jesus Christ!" cries McDuffy,
rubbing his head. Kowalski is watching all this, and says sympathetically, "I did
that.” So McDuffy picks up Kowalski, carries him over to the shit, rubs his nose
in it and then throws him out of the door.
Kowalski finds himself drunk in a train compartment with Father Blessbutt.
"What is yer reading, Yer Holiness?" asks Kowalski. "It is the Bible, my son,"
sighs the priest. Father Blessbutt smells the whiskey on Kowalski's breath, and
continues, "Right now I am reading the amazing story of Samson. He was the
strongest man in the world. "One day, out in the fields, he saw five thousand
Philistines coming over the hill. Samson took the jawbone of an ass and slew
five hundred of them. And then he routed the rest.” Kowalski is very impressed.
That night he is telling everybody in the pub all about it. “I'm going to get a
Bible," Kowalski announces. "My god!" says Nurdski. "What for?”

"Well," says Kowalski, "this priest was telling me that all sorts of amazing things
are in it. Like there is a tough guy called Simpson. One day, he's out in the
garden when fifty thousand Filipinos come over the hill. But Simpson attacks
them, just with the ass-bone of a Jew. He kills five thousand of them single-
handed, and then he screws the rest!”

Mary returns home to America after her marriage to a Polack. She meets her
friend, Susan, on the street. "I heard you got married in Poland!" Susan
exclaims. "Yes," says Mary, and after our wedding my husband gave me the
longest, hardest thing I have ever seen!”

"Oh, really!" shrieks Susan. "What was that?” Mary replies, "His name!”

Kowalski, Zabriski and Jablonski are standing outside the whore-house

discussing what prices they are willing to pay for the services inside. They decide
that Jablonski should go inside first while the other two wait outside. Half an
hour later, Jablonski comes out with a gleaming smile across his face. “What
happened? What was it like?” the other two polacks ask. “Well,” says Jablonski,
“I paid five bucks, went into a room and this tall sexy woman was waiting for
me. She took my clothes off, put two pineapple rings over my prick and
proceeded to slowly eat them off. It was great!” Then Zabriski goes rushing
inside. An hour later he comes out, a big Cheshire cat grin on his face. “What
happened?” ask the other two excited polacks. “Well,” says Zabriski, “I paid ten
bucks, and it was the same as before. But this time she put four pineapple rings
over my dick, and ate them off very, very slowly.”

By this time Kowalski is very horny, so he rushes into the whore house, but
comes out fifteen minutes later with a long, sad face. “Well,” ask his friends,
“what’s wrong? What happened?”
“Well,” begins Kowalski, looking even more sad, “it started off great. I paid
twenty bucks and she put six rings of pineapple over my prick, plus a big scoop
of whipped cream.”

“Wow!” exclaim the other two. “That’s not all,” continues Kowalski. “A handful
of crushed nuts, a sugar wafer, hot chocolate sauce, and topped off with a
beautiful red cherry.”

“That sounds great,” cries Jablonski. “What could possibly make you so sad
then?”

“Well,” says Kowalski with a sigh, “it looked so fucking good, I ate it myself !”
After holding mass in Warsaw Cathedral, the pope is giving words of
encouragement to a group of devout Poles. One of them asks, "Your Holiness,
Poles are such devout Catholics, why was Christ not born in Poland?”

"Don't you understand," says the pope, "that for such a birth, there had to be
three wise men and a Virgin?”

Kowalski is not feeling well, so he goes to visit Dr. Bones. Bones gives him an
examination and makes a few tests. "Mr. Kowalski,” says Bones, gravely, “you
are a very sick man. In fact I would say that you have only two weeks to live.”

"I see," says the Polack. "Is it okay with you, Doc, if I take the last two weeks of
July?"

 14. BLACK


Before you go into your meditations, it is perfectly good to go in a happy mood; not serious, but
smiling. Remember it: existence smiles when you smile, and when you are serious you are alone.
Existence does not bother about your seriousness. If you want the whole world with you, just
smile, and look all around and you will see trees smiling, and the flowers smiling. And at least
when you are entering into meditation, it is good to enter with a smiling heart.

I have used jokes for the first time in the whole history of mankind, because such beautiful
jokes… and nobody has used them for meditation. And they create such a good feeling all
around, that one becomes courageous enough. A laughing heart is more courageous than a
serious one. A serious heart doubts, hesitates, thinks twice. The laughing one is the heart of the
gambler, he simply jumps in. And meditation is a question of jumping into the unknown.

The black dude in a full-length mink coat walks into the Rolls-Royce show
room. He goes over to the most expensive model and proceeds to kick the tires
and fenders. The up-tight English salesman runs over and exclaims, "Excuse
me, sir, but were you thinking of buying a Rolls-Royce?”

The black dude looks at him with a scowl and replies: "I is not THINKING of
buying a RollsRoyce. I is gonna BUY a Rolls-Royce. I is thinkin' of pussy!”

It is the first day of the new term at Princeton, and a black freshman is learning
his way around the campus. Stopping a distinguished looking upperclassman he
inquires, "Say, can you tell me where the library is at?”

"My good fellow," comes the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our sentences
with a preposition.”

"All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?”

One afternoon down in Podunk, Alabama, at the Abe Lincoln Elementary

School, Miss Velcro, the black teacher, is giving an English lesson. "Now, class,"
says Miss Velcro, “today we are going to write some poetry. And for our theme,
we are going to go back to our black roots in Africa. I want you to write a poem
using that famous African town, Timbuktu.”

For the next ten minutes, everybody writes. And at the end of the class, Miss
Velcro says, "Okay, children, before we go home, would anyone like to read out
their poem to the class?”
TWO boys, little Black George and little Black Washington, raise their hands
enthusiastically.

"Good," says Miss Velcro. "George, you read yours first.”

George stands up and says proudly:

"Far away in a distant land,

Out across the burning sand,
Black men on camels march two by two,
On their way to Timbuktu!”

The classroom cheers loudly, and then Miss Velcro says, "That was very good,
George. Now let us hear your poem, Washington.”

Little Washington jumps up, clears his throat, and says:

"Me and my older brother Tim,

A-hunting we did go.
We came upon three pretty girls,
A-sleeping in a row.
Since they was three and we was two,
I buck one — and Timbuktu!”

Big Black Leroy and Big Black Rufus are fighting over Mabel, the beautiful
black girl who is new in town. Mabel gets tired of the two guys arguing all the
time, so she decides to settle things. "'Listen, you guys!" she snaps. "You two can
have a swimming race across the river, and whoever wins can be my man!”
Rufus and Leroy agree to the competition. So they walk across the bridge to the
far bank, strip off all their clothes and plunge into the river. They are swimming
as fast as they can towards her, when Mabel decides that she really prefers Leroy
and tries to encourage him a little. So she pulls up the edge of her skirt in
Leroy’s direction. Leroy slows down.

The next time Leroy looks up, Mabel pulls her skirt up to her waist and exposes
her bare contraption. Immediately, Leroy stops dead in the middle of the river.

"Leroy, sugar!" cries Mabel. "What is the matter?”

"Dammit, Mabel!" shouts Leroy. "Pull your skirt down! My rudder is stuck in
the mud!”
One day in Judge Grump's courtroom, Big Black Leroy is on trial for assault
and battery. Boris Babblebrain, the lawyer, is severely cross-examining Leroy,
trying to prove the black guy guilty beyond a shadow of a doubt. Leroy just
quietly looks at Boris, and maintains that he merely pushed the plaintiff “a little
bit.”

"Okay," snaps Babblebrain, "just how hard?”

"Ah," replies Leroy, coolly, "like I said, just a little bit.”

"Now," badgers Babblebrain, "for the benefit of the judge and jury, will you
please step down here, using me for the subject, and illustrate just how hard ‘a
little bit’ is.”

"Sure," says Leroy, smiling as he steps down from the witness stand.

Boris is excited, hoping that Leroy will feel intimidated and overdo his
demonstration, thereby proving himself guilty. When Leroy reaches Boris, he
suddenly kicks the lawyer as hard as he can in the shins, then seizes him bodily,
and with full force, lifts Boris over his head and hurls him across the room.

Turning around from the mess on the floor, Leroy smiles up at Judge Grump
and explains, "Your honor, just about one-tenth that hard!”

Old Black Rufus is the railroad switchman for the Chicago Choo-Choo Line.
One night there is a terrible accident at Rufus crossing, involving the Mexico
Midnight Express and Senator Dingbat’s old Toyota car - which is totally
destroyed, along with the "good old” senator. Naturally, Old Rufus is the chief
witness at the court hearing, and the entire case hinges upon whether Rufus has
displayed his warning signal. The lawyers give Rufus an intense series of
questions, but Rufus sticks to his story. "I was standing there, your honor," cries
Rufus, "and I was waving my lamp around so hard my arm almost came off.
But the senator just paid no damned attention!”

Later, Chicago Choo-Choo chairman, Chester Cheese, congratulates Rufus on

his unwavering testimony. "I thought for sure," says Chester, "that those darn
lawyers would scare you, and make you change your story.”

"No, Sir". No, sir!" exclaims Rufus. "But I am glad they didn't ask me if my
lamp was switched on!”
Down south in Mississippi, Little Black Washington, Little Black Jefferson, and
Little Black Lincoln are sitting around comparing their family names. Little
Washington says, “Mah name is NEON.”

"NEON?" ask the other two. "Yup," replies Little Washington, "because mah
Dad invented the NEON light.”

Then Little Lincoln says, "Mah name is POLY. Because mah Dad invented
POLY-ESTER pants.

Then Little Jefferson shouts, "Mah name is Gonorrhea.”

"You not sayin’ that your Dad invented THAT?" says Washington.

"No," replies Jefferson, "but he is the southern distributor!”

Big Black Leroy is cleaning the windows on the eighty-third floor of a

skyscraper in New York. Suddenly, he loses his balance and falls from the
scaffolding, but just manages to catch a window-ledge and hangs there by his
finger tips, shouting for help. "Ah, Lawd!" shouts Leroy, "I'm not ready for them
Pearly Gates yet! Save me!” At that moment, Saint Herbert, the angel, flies out
of the sky. "Hi, Leroy!" says Saint Herbert, hovering beside him. "Have you got
faith in the Lord?”

"I sure do!" stammers Leroy. "Okay" says Herbert, "then I will teach you how to
fly. Now, show your faith and take one hand off the window-ledge.”

"I can't do that!" stammers Leroy. "No way!”

"Yes, you can," snaps the Saint. "Now, show your faith!” Turning pale with fear,
Leroy closes his eyes and slowly lets go with his left hand. "That's good, Leroy,"
says Saint Herbert, patting him on the head, "very good. Now I want you to let
go with the other hand.”

"Ah, Lawd!" shouts Leroy. "I can‘t do that!”

"You can do it, Leroy," says Herbert. "Have faith, praise the Lord - and let go!”
Leroy lets go and falls eighty stories to the ground. "Yup," says Saint Herbert,
flying away. "I never did like niggers.”
Gorgeous Gloria walks into the bar and sits down next to Big Black Rufus. She
eyes him up and down carefully, then orders herself a drink. "I am really
impressed with the size of your huge chest," Gloria whispers to Rufus. "Yup,"
says Rufus. "It is sixty-two inches - I measured it this morning after pumping
iron.”

"Really?" says Gloria, her eyes widening. "And I must say," she coos, "that you
look very strong with those steel-packed arm muscles you have.”

"Yup," replies Rufus. "Twenty-five inches - I measured them this morning.”

Gloria” swallows down her drink, smiles hotly at Rufus, points at his machinery,
and says, "My, that looks rather nice, too.”

"Yup," replies Rufus, "two inches - I measured it this morning.”

"TWO inches?" gasps Gloria, "onlyTWO INCHES?”

"Yup," replies Rufus, with a grin. "From the floor!”

Big Leroy and Ruby get married and go to the Humping Hippo Honeymoon
Hotel in Mexico. Ruby is a virgin and she is very worried about the size of Big
Leroy's machinery. "Don't worry, baby," comforts Leroy. "I will just show it to
you a bit at a time, so it doesn’t scare you.”

"Okay, precious," says Ruby, shyly. "Now you go outside and wait in the hallway,
while I get undressed and ready for bed.” A few minutes later, Ruby is tucked
under the sheets in the bridal bed. "Come on in honey!" she cries nervously.
"I'm ready!”

"Now, sweetheart," says Big Leroy, from the hallway, "before I come in, I'm
going to poke my prick around the bedroom door, bit by bit, just so you can get
used to the idea.” Leroy pushes the head of his machinery inside the doorway.
"Are you scared, darling?” he asks. "No, baby" replies Ruby. "I'm not scared.”
So Leroy pushes another two inches inside the doorway. "Are you scared now,
sugar-pie?” asks Leroy. "No, honey, I'm not," replies Ruby, wide-eyed. Then
Leroy pushes another six inches through the open doorway. "Are you scared
now, sweetie?" he asks. "No, baby-cake," replies Ruby, "I‘m not scared. You can
come to bed now!”

"Okay, then!" cries Leroy, "I'm coming up the stairs!”

Donald Dixteen is standing at a public urinal, when big black Rufus runs in.
Rufus frantically unzips his pants, whips out his twelve inch whacker, and starts
pissing buckets. "Wow!" cries Rufus with relief. "I just made it!”

"Really?" says Donald, eyeing Rufus massive machinery. "Will you make me one
too?”

Leroy, the black dude, is sitting up in a tree one day in Central Park, New York,
enjoying the view. He is dozing off when a young white couple comes and sits
on the park bench below him. The couple starts petting and kissing, and before
long they are sprawled on the bench, making love. Just then a policeman walks
up and arrests the young couple for indecent exposure. The cop sees Leroy
sitting up in the tree and drags him along as a witness. The next day, in court,
Leroy is in the witness stand, and the judge says, "Now, Leroy, will you tell the
court what you saw?”

"Yes, your honor!" cries Leroy. "They was a-fucking!”

"Now look here!" snaps the judge. "You cannot use language like that, or I will
hold you in contempt of court! Now, tell me again: what were they doing?”

"They was a-fucking!" cries Leroy. "Right!" says the judge. "I sentence you to
one month in jail for contempt.” A month later Leroy is back in the witness
stand and the judge asks him again what he saw. "Your honor!" cries Leroy.
"They was a-fucking!”

"One month in jail for contempt!" cries the judge, and Leroy is taken away. This
goes on, month after month, for the next few years. Finally, when Leroy comes
back for the two-hundredth time, the judge says, "Look, Leroy, I am completely
fed up with this case. We are all a lot older now; surely you can tell me, in
decent language, what happened that day in the park!”

"Okay, your honor," says Leroy, "let me put it like this:

His pants was down
Below his knees,
His balls was swayin’
In the breeze.
His you-know-what,
Was you-know-where,
And if that's not fucking,
Then give me the chair!”
A black couple, Luther and Ruby, and their seven-year-old kid Samson, are
having a hard time living in NewYork. Luther has heard that if you swim across
the Mississippi River, and make it alive, you turn white. So they pack up and
drive to Mississippi. They are standing on the banks of the mighty river, and
they can hardly see the other side. The water is very rough, and the current
incredibly strong. Samson, the lad, seeing his parents hesitation, cries bravely,
"I'll go first!" and he jumps into the river. Little Samson is swept along, but
manages to struggle his way to the other side. As he steps out of the water, he
looks down and sees that he has turned lily white. Seeing her boy's success, Ruby
jumps in next and is nearly drowned. But with incredible effort, she makes it to
the other side - as a white woman. Samson and Ruby wave to Luther to come
across, so Luther jumps into the raging river. He gets halfway across, and then
Ruby and Samson hear shouting and cries for help. Then there is silence. Ruby
is about to jump in to try and save Luther, when Samson takes her by the hand
and says, "Don't worry, Mom — it's only a nigger!”

Big Leroy, the black American football player, and Rabbi Sapperstein, the Jew
are riding in a train together. It is a hot, sunny day, and there are many flies,
lazily buzzing around the compartment. Suddenly, a fly lands on the Rabbi's
sleeve and he brushes it off in disgust. A few moments later another fly lands,
but this time on Big Leroy's leg. The giant football star moves like lightning, and
grabs the fly between two of his huge black fingers. Leroy then slowly pulls off
both the fly's wings and pops it into his mouth, chewing it contentedly. Soon
afterwards, a fly lands on the Jew's sleeve again. But this time, instead of
brushing it off, the rabbi grabs it between two of his long, bony fingers. He then
slowly removes both of its wings, leans over to Leroy, and says, "Wanna buy a
fly?”

Big black Leroy is trying to get religion, so he goes to a Holy Rollers meeting in
a small southern Mississippi town. Sister Sara, a beautiful and shapely black girl,
suddenly leaps to her feet and shouts, "Praise be to the Lord! Last night I was in
the arms of Satan, and tonight I will be in the arms of Saint Peter!”

"Sister," says Leroy quietly as the girl sits down, "so What are you doing
tomorrow night?”

Leroy is coming home from work one day, when he stops in the fish market and
buys himself an eel for his dinner. He slips it into his coat pocket and goes into
the Crazy Crocodile Pub for a drink. Some hours and drinks later, Leroy reels
out of the pub and stumbles home. When he gets there, he wobbles into the
bathroom to relieve himself. Swaying backwards and forwards, Leroy fumbles in
his pants and pulls out what he thinks is his prick. He feels a warm trickle
running down his leg, and looks down with wide-eyed disbelief. "I knew you was
big," mutters Leroy, "and I knew you was black. But I sure did not know you
had such beautiful blue eyes!”

Big Black Leroy strides into the Hoo Flung Dung Bar and Noodle House in
Chinatown. "Hey, Chink!" shouts Leroy to Five Dragons Wu behind the bar,
"give me a drink!" Wu frowns but serves Leroy a drink. Five minutes later, Leroy
is thirsty again. “Hey, Chink!" he shouts, "give me a drink!" Five Dragons Wu
scowls but serves the drink. Leroy knocks back the drink and shouts again, "Hey,
Chink, how about a drink?”

"Listen, buster," says Wu, finally, "I keep my temper. You come behind the bar
and see how you like to be insulted!" Leroy and Five Dragons Wu change
places. "Okay?" asks Wu. "Now you nigger, give me a jigger!”

"Sorry," replies Leroy, "we don't serve Chinks!”

Big black Dougie goes into an all-white bar in Mississippi with three friends. He
goes up to the barman and bets him fifty dollars that he can lick his own eye.
"Crazy nigger," thinks the barman. "No one can lick his own eye." So he takes
the bet. Dougie pops out his glass eye, licks it, and then bets the barman fifty
dollars that he can bite his other eye too. "Two glass eyes?" thinks the barman.
"This guy must be really dumb." So he takes the bet. Dougie pulls out his false
teeth and bites the other eye.The barman starts to lose his temper. "Wait!" says
Dougie, calmly. "I will bet you double or nothing that I can piss into that empty
glass while you slide it along the bar.”

"That is impossible," the barman thinks to himself. "No one can do that." So he
takes the bet. Dougie drops his pants, pulls out his dong, and starts pissing all
over the bar and the floor.

The barman starts laughing and mopping up the mess. "I knew it!" he shouts.
"You really are dumb to think you could do that!”

"Not so dumb," replies Dougie, pulling up his pants. "You see, I bet those three
friends of mine a hundred dollars each that I could piss all over your bar and
you would wipe it up laughing!”
Rufus, the big black guy, is fed up with living in Mississippi, so he goes to the
station to catch a bus north to Chicago. Looking around the bus station, he
suddenly notices a weighing scale that tells your weight and also your fortune.

Rufus goes over to the scale, steps on it, and drops in a quarter. A little card
shoots out that reads: "You weigh one hundred and fifty pounds, you are black,
and you need to go to the bathroom.”

"Mmm," says Rufus, "I guess I do." He goes to the bathroom, but all he does is
pass wind. He decides to try the machine again, so he digs out another quarter
and drops it into the slot. The little card shoots out and Rufus reads it. It says,
"You weigh one hundred and fifty pounds, you are black, and the waitress in the
snack bar would like to meet you.” So Rufus goes to the snack bar, strikes up a
conversation with the waitress, and they end up screwing behind the counter.
Very pleased, Rufus returns again to the machine for another try. This time the
card shoots out and reads, "You are still one hundred and fifty pounds, you are
still a nigger, and with all this fucking and farting around you have missed your
bus!”

Pope the Polack is sitting on the train next to Ronald Reagan on their way back
to Washington from Killjews, Alabama. The pope strikes up a conversation with
two big black guys, Rufus and Leroy, in the compartment. "Hello, gentleman,"
says the pope. "Where are you going?”

"D.C." says Rufus. "What did he say?" asks the slightly deaf president. "He says
they are going to Washington, D.C. - just like us," says the pope. "Tell me," the
Polack continues, what brings you all the way up to Washington?”

"We know a real far-out chick up there," smiles Leroy. "What did he say?" asks
the hard-of-hearing Ronnie. "He says they have a girlfriend up there," shouts
back the pope to the president. Then turning to the black guys, Pope the Polack
says, "She must be quite a girl for you to go all this way to see her.”

"Man, I’ll say," smiles Rufus. "Sure," says Leroy. “She's a real cool bitch. She
wears black boots with spurs, carries a whip and indulges in every delight known
to man!”

"What did he say?" shouts the deaf president. Pope the Polack turns to Ronnie
and screams, "He says they know Nancy!”
Jemima and Beulah are hanging out on the front porch. "Did you hear about
Mrs. Berrypatch having quadruplets?" says Jemima. "Well What the hell are
they?" cries Beulah. "Dumb Cluck!" says Jemima. "That's when you have four
babies in one go. And I heard that it only happens once every sixty thousand
times!”

"Glory Jeezus!" howls Beulah. "When the hell does that woman ever get her
housework done?”

The Bishop of Mississippi and his wife are owners of a magnificent parrot. But
the parrot is a great embarrassment to the bishop because of its very unreligious
language. However, his wife is devoted to the bird and will not get rid of it
because of its great intelligence. One day they are playing host to a new black
preacher visiting from Chicago. The local people are not happy about having a
black man preach in their church, but the bishop is doing everything he can to
be polite. After the services, the bishop and his wife are having coffee and a
snack with the preacher in their home. The black man sees the parrot in the
corner and is impressed by its beautiful feathers.

"Say something to him," urges the bishop's wife. "And he will give you a reply.”
So the preacher walks over with a little piece of food and says, "Polly wanna
cracker?” The parrot eyes the black man suspiciously, and then shrieks, "Nigger
wanna watermelon?”

The phone rings at the Camp David motor-pool and Private Leroy Jackson
answers it. "Where is that limousine that was ordered half an hour ago?"
screams a voice at the other end. "Why is it taking so long?”

"Oh, you mean the limo for old Colonel Fat-Ass!" replies Leroy. "What did you
say?" cries the other voice. "Er...who is this calling?" says Leroy, sheepishly. "You
don't know? This is Colonel Hawkbutt! And who are you?" demands the
Colonel. "You don‘t know?" says Leroy. "Well then - bye, bye, Fat-Ass!”

Walter Wibbles, a skinny little man, is in the back of the church one day,
praying to God. "Please God," he moans, "I can't keep up the payments on my
house; my wife wants a new dress, and my car is broken down. You have got to
help me!”

Just then, the church door bursts open and a big black guy comes in, walks
straight to the front of the church, looks up to heaven, and shouts, "Hey, God, I
really dig you, man! I want a new car, a new house and a new girl-friend. And I
want it NOW!” He then turns around and walks out. Walter can't believe it and
goes on muttering quietly. Next week,Walter is in the same place, in the back of
the church again. "Please God," he whimpers, "my wife wants to leave me, I
have just lost my job and…” But he is interrupted by the screech of brakes
outside. Then the church door bursts open and the black guy walks in with a
beautiful girl on his arm. They walk up to the front and the black guy shouts,
"Hey, God, I really dig you, man,The car is great, the house is terrific and the
chick is farrr-out!” This is too much for Walter. When the black guy has gone,
he walks up to the front, raises his arms and says, "God, what is going on? You
give HIM everything he wants, but you give me NOTHING! Why?” Suddenly
a booming voice comes down from heaven, saying, "I just don't dig you, man! “

A black man is having a conversation with God. "Tell me, Lord," he says, "how
come I am so black?”

"You are black," replies God, "so that you can withstand the hot African sun.”

"Tell me, Lord," continues the black man, "how come my hair is so short and
kinky?”

"‘So that you will not sweat in the hot African climate," replies God. "Tell me,
Lord," implores the black man, "how come my legs are so long?”

"So that you can escape from the wild beasts that roam the jungles of Africa,"
replies God. "Then tell me Lord," shouts the black man, "what the hell am I
doing in Chicago?”

Leroy and Liza, the black lovers, are out on a small country road, riding double
on Leroy’s old bicycle. Suddenly they get the urge to make love. So there and
then they jump off the bike and go for it. After a few minutes a huge truck
comes over the top of the hill. The driver sees the black couple rolling around in
the middle of the road, so he gives a blast on his horn and frantically steps on
the brakes - but Leroy and Liza just carry on making love. The truck finally
skids to a halt about three inches from the sweating couple. The driver jumps
out of his cab and screams, "You crazy niggers! You could have been killed!”
Leroy lifts up his head, looks at the driver and says, "Well, I was a-coming, Liza
was a-coming, and you was a-coming. And I figured, Hell, YOU was the only
one with the brakes!”
Jerry Jostel walks into a small-town bar and when he has ordered a drink he bets
the bartender fifty dollars that he will be crying in three minutes. "That's a
deal," says the bartender, "I haven't cried since I was ten years old. That time,
someone ran over my pet frog.” Two minutes pass in silence and finally, the
bartender says, "you know there is only thirty seconds left and I don't feel like
crying.”

"That's okay," replies Jerry, “my friend Boo will be here soon and he will get you
going.”

"Boo who?" asks the bartender. He shrugs, then reaches in his pocket and pulls
out fifty dollars to give to Jerry. Jerry sidles along the bar to where big black
Duggie is drinking a beer and makes him the same offer. "Man," says Duggie, "I
ain’t cried since I was a baby.” Two minutes pass in silence and Duggie looks at
his watch. "Don't worry," says Jerry, "my friend Boo is due here soon. And he
will make you cry.”

"Yeah?" asks Duggie, "Who be Boo?”

A giant black man comes into a bar in the Deep South of the United States. He
has an eight-foot alligator walking behind him on a rope. "Do you serve
martinis?" he asks the bartender, who is trying to hide under the bar. "Yes,"
stammers the bartender, "we do.”

"Do you serve niggers?" asks the black man. "Yes," says the bartender, "we do.”

"Okay," says the man, "I will have a martini for myself and a nigger for my
alligator.”

One day a black guy shows up at the gates of heaven and is met by Saint Peter.
"I would like to be admitted to heaven," he says.

"Fine," says Saint Peter, "but first tell me what you have done lately which would
permit you to be admitted.”

"Well," says the black guy, "I marched in a civil rights march.”

"A lot of people did that," says Saint Peter. "Maybe there is something else?”

"Yes," says the black guy. "I got married at twelve o'clock noon.”
"What is so unusual about that?" asks Saint Peter. "I married a white woman,"
says the black guy. "When was that?" asks Saint Peter. “Ah,” moans the black
dude, “about two minutes ago!”

A big black guy goes into the grocery store and asks for half a cabbage. The
assistant says, "I am sorry, sir, but we don't sell half cabbages.” The black guy
insists that he wants half a cabbage, so the assistant says, “Just a minute, sir, I
will ask the manager in the back room.” He goes into the back room, but does
not notice that the black guy is following him. The assistant says to the manager,
"There is a big nigger in the shop and he wants half a cabbage.” Then he hears
a noise behind him and, realizing that he has been followed, adds quickly, "And
this colored gentleman wants the other half !”

Little black Eddy is at home one day doing his arithmetic homework. "Three
plus one, the son-of-a—bitch, is four," he says. "Three plus two, the son-of-a-
bitch, is five. Three plus three, the son-of-a-bitch, is six." And so on.

Eddy's mom is horrified when she overhears him. The next day she goes to see
what kind of arithmetic his teacher is teaching. "I don't quite understand where
Eddy has picked this language up," says the teacher. “I simply teach the children
to say: three plus one, the sum of which is four; three plus two, the sum of
which is five.”

Miss Johnson, the English teacher, says, "Today we are going to do definitions.
When you define something, you say what it is. Now, Wesley, will you define
‘unaware’?” Wesley replies "It's the last thing I take off at night!”

A black lady in New York receives a phone call from the school that her little
boy Leroy attends. The head teacher wants to see her as soon as possible about
her son's behavior.

"Your boy, Leroy," begins the teacher, "is a disruptive influence.”

“Just like his father," says the black lady.
"He steals from other children," continues the teacher.
“Just like his father," says the mother.
"He is always getting into fights," continues the teacher.
“Just like his father," replies the mother.
"He chases the little girls and makes them cry," says the teacher.
“Just like his father," says the black lady, "and, Lordy, am I glad I never married
the man!”

Two old black ladies are about to get their picture taken. As the photographer
pulls the black cloth over his head and starts to adjust the lens, one lady asks the
other, "What is he doing?”

She answers, "He is going to focus!”

The other lady looks at her friend in shock and says, "Both of us?”

A man goes into a bar and orders a beer. When he is served he reaches into his
breast pocket and lifts out a perfectly formed little figure, four inches tall. Then
he pulls out a thimble and places it on the bar.

"A beer for my friend here too," he requests. "And go easy on the head.”
"Is he for real?" asks the bartender.
"He is," says the man.
"Can he talk?" persists the bartender.
"He can," replies the man. "Arnold," he goes on, "tell this guy about the time
we were on safari and you called the witch doctor a black son-of-a-bitch."

15. IRISH
Sean O'Reilly walks into the pub, orders a triple whiskey, swallows it in one gulp,
spins around and falls flat, face down on the floor.

"That's what I like about O'Reilly," remarks the bartender to the others in the
bar. “He always knows when he has had enough.”

Just learn something from Mr. O’Reilly. Existence is not to he understood but to be drunk. It is
alcoholic, there is no other drug that makes you more silent more festive, more in tune with
existence. Just one gulp of it… and flat on the ground!

Sean O'Reilly is driving his horse and cart into town one morning with a load
of potatoes, when he has a head-on collision with a truck. Sean makes a claim
for damages against the trucking company, for injuries to himself, his horse and
cart, his dog and his load of potatoes. The whole claim amounts to a
considerable sum of money.

But a few weeks later in the high court, when Sean is called to the witness stand,
his case does not seem to be going too well. "Isn't it true," says Sidney Sharkfin,
the opposing lawyer, "that while you were lying on the ground at the scene of
the accident, someone walked up to you and asked you how you were feeling,
and you replied, ‘I’ve never felt better in my life.’”

"Yes," replies Sean, "I remember that.”

"Good," says Sharkfin, "I hope the jury takes note of it.” Then Sean's own
lawyer comes over to Sean and says, "Would you mind telling the court the
circumstances you were in when you said, ‘I've never felt better in' my life’?”

"Certainly," replies Sean. "I was lying there on the ground when a police car
drives up and the deputy sheriff gets out. He tells me that my horse is screaming
with pain and has two broken legs. He then takes out his gun, points it into the
horse's ear and finishes him off. "He then tells me that my dog is whining with
pain and has a broken back. So he sticks his gun into the dog's ear and finishes
him off. "Then he turns to me and says, ‘Now, how are YOU feeling?”'

Paddy gets sentenced to thirty days in jail for being drunk and disorderly. When
Judge Rumcake has finished pronouncing the sentence, Paddy asks if he can say
something. "Why, of course!" says the judge.

“If I called you a son-of-a-bitch," suggests Paddy, "what would you do?”
"What?" says Rumcake, "I would hold you in contempt of court and give you
an extra week in jail’."

"I see," says Paddy. "And if I thought you were a son-of-a-bitch, what would you
do?”

"In that case," replies Judge Rumcake, "I'd do nothing, because there's no law
against thinking.”

"Oh! Well in that case," concludes Paddy, "I think you are a son-of-a-bitch!”

Paddy wakes up in hospital, after a day of unconsciousness, with his body

wrapped in bandages. He only vaguely remembers that he was in the pub with
Sean, and they got into an argument. But the rest is blank. After a few days,
Paddy has recovered enough to stumble back to the pub. He finds Sean, sitting
in his usual place at the bar. "What the hell happened?" asks Paddy. "I
remember starting a fight with you, but the next thing I knew, I was in hospital!”

"Ah," says Sean. "That is called karate. It is Japanese.” Paddy nods in

understanding, and staggers out of the pub. After ten minutes, Sean finishes his
drink and gets up to leave. He opens the door and takes one step out of the pub.
The next thing he knows, he is in hospital, covered in bandages, with multiple
fractures. A few weeks later, he hobbles into the pub on crutches. Sure enough,
Paddy is there, sitting at the bar. "What happened?" croaks Sean. "I took one
step out of the pub, and the next thing I knew, I was in hospital!”

"Oh," says Paddy. "That was also Japanese. My Toyota!”

Paddy decides to take up boxing, and goes into training for weeks. But in the
first round of the first prize-fight, he is knocked to the floor by a crushing blow.
The referee starts counting and Paddy starts to get up. "Stay down until eight!"
shouts his manager. "Okay," mumbles Paddy, in a daze, "what time is it now?”

Paddy and Maureen plan to get married, so they go to Doctor Gasbag for a
physical checkup. Gasbag then tries to explain sex to them, but Paddy just
listens with a dumb expression on his face. So the doctor takes Maureen over to
the examination table, makes her lie down, and then makes love to her. "Now
do you understand?" says Gasbag. "Yes," replies Paddy, "but how often do I have
to bring her in?”
Paddy has been training his horse, Kalki, for the big race. He has been giving it
lots of exercise and plenty of good food, but on the day of the race, Paddy is
still worried that Kalki will not run fast enough. Just before the horses go to the
start, Paddy quietly gives Kalki a couple of pep pills. Father Murphy, who has
been watching this, goes up to Paddy. "I hope you are not giving your horse any
illegal drugs?" says the old priest. "Certainly not, Father, I was just giving him a
vitamin C," says Paddy, popping one of the pills into his own mouth. "Here, try
one yourself.” Father Murphy swallows one of the pep pills, thinking that it is a
vitamin, and walks off, apparently satisfied. Paddy turns to Seamus, who is
going to ride Kalki in the race. "Don't worry, Seamus, you are going to win for
sure!" says Paddy confidently. “Nothing can pass you in this race, except me or
Father Murphy!”

Paddy wants to emigrate from Britain to America. He has an interview at the

American Embassy in London. The Consul asks him, "Mr. Murphy, why do you
want to leave Britain and come to America?”

"Simple," replies Paddy. "America has Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash, Bob
Hope, and Stevie Wonder. “Britain has Margaret Thatcher, no cash, no hope -
and no wonder!”

Paddy is sitting in the Groggy Doggie Pub one evening, when he slips slowly off
his stool onto the floor. "You are drunk!" shouts the barman. ”I'm not drunk at
all!" insists Paddy, picking himself up. "In fact, I'm not even drunk a little bit,
and I'll prove it to you. Now, you see that cat just coming in the door? Well, I
can see it has only got one eye.”

"You're drunker than I thought," says the barman. "That cat is going out!”

Paddy is feeling sad as he orders his tenth beer at the Loony Licker Pub.
"What's wrong, Paddy?" asks Igor, the bartender. "I lost my dog," sobs Paddy.
"Why don't you put an advertisement in the newspaper?" suggests Igor. "It is no
good," moans Paddy. "My dog can't read.”

Seamus is only five feet tall, but his girl-friend, Glenda, is six feet three. One
night, when the two shy lovers are walking by the barn, Seamus asks for a kiss.
Glenda consents, so Seamus stands on an old tractor engine and gives her a
little kiss. They walk on a couple of miles down the country lane, and Seamus
plucks up courage and asks Glenda for another kiss. "No!" Glenda replies
haughtily. "I have given you all the kisses you are going to get tonight.”

"Okay, then," says Seamus in disgust, "in that case I am not going one step
further with this son-of-a-bitch tractor engine!”

He was carrying the engine with him! Wherever chance arose…

Paddy and Sean are walking to the Christ is Love Pub, when all of a sudden
they hear an explosion. They run around the corner to see that the pub has
been blown up by the IRA. They are looking through the rubble when Paddy
finds a head. He picks it up, holds it in the air and says, "Sean, isn't this Seamus
O’Reilly?”

"No," says Sean, "it can't be. He was not as tall as that!”

Seamus O'Ryan is feeling especially romantic, so he buys his girlfriend, Peggy, a

bunch of roses. Peggy takes one look at the roses, smiles with a sly grin, and
takes Seamus by the hand. She leads him slowly up the stairs to the bedroom,
throwing off one piece of clothing at a time until she is completely naked. Then
she lays seductively on the bed, strokes herself lightly, and opens her legs.
"This," she purrs sexily, "is for the roses.”

"Don't be silly," replies Seamus. "They will last much longer in a vase!”

There is a fire at the Pig and Whistle Pub, and it is beginning to get out of
control. Suddenly, Paddy's old Ford car comes speeding around the corner,
crosses the street, and drives straight into the middle of the flames.

The car nearly puts out the fire, and then the doors burst open. Paddy and
Seamus jump out, and start beating wildly at the flames. Ten minutes later the
fire is out, and Paddy and Seamus push the old Ford out of the pub. The
landlord offers the two brave men some free drinks, and gives Paddy a hundred-
dollar reward.

"What are you going to do with all that money?" asks Sean, who has been
drinking at the bar throughout the action.

"Well," says Paddy, swallowing a large whiskey, "the first thing I'm going to do is
to take my car and get those goddam brakes fixed!”
An English university professor, who has never been to Ireland before, steps out
of the central railway station in Dublin. Seeing two Irishmen standing there, he
decides to ask them for directions.

"Excuse me, my good fellows," he says walking up to Paddy and Sean, “do you
think you could tell me the way to Trinity College?”

Paddy and Sean stare at the Englishman without saying a word. He decides that
perhaps they are foreigners, and asks them in French. Paddy and Sean say
nothing. The professor tries German, but the response is the same. So he tries
Spanish, Greek, Portuguese, Swedish, Finnish, Italian, Russian, Eskimo, Hindi,
latin, Yiddish and Sanskrit, but all to no avail”. So he gives up and walks off.

Paddy turns to Sean and says, "Hey, did you hear that bloke? He spoke fourteen
different languages.”

"So what?" says Sean, "he still does not know where he is going.”

Paddy and Sean stumble out of the pub late one night, very drunk. They are
heading for home when Paddy stops, points up to a street light and says, "Sean,
look at that beautiful full moon!”

"Don't be an idiot, Paddy," says Sean. "That is the sun!” They argue back and
forth for a while, but cannot come to any definite conclusion, so they decide to
get a third opinion. The next person to come along happens to be Kowalski,
also very drunk.

"Excuse me, sir," says Paddy, pointing to the street light. "But would you mind
telling us whether that is the moon or the sun?”

"How the hell should I know?" replies Kowalski. "I don't live around here!”

It is three o'clock in the morning and Paddy and Seamus are absolutely drunk,
trying to find their way home. But the street is dark and completely lined with
trees. They keep hitting one tree after another, staggering on, trying to pass their
whiskey bottle back and forth.

It seems impossible to walk as they knock into this tree, bump into each other,
and knock into that tree. This goes on for twenty minutes when Paddy, totally
exhausted and bruised, stops and turns to Seamus.
"I think maybe we should stop drinking so much," groans Paddy, "and wait for
this goddamn parade to pass!”

Two brothers, Paddy and Mickey Dunn, are living with their old mother on the
west coast of Ireland. One day Paddy announces that he is going to London to
seek his fortune. "Holy Jesus!” cries old Mrs. Dunn. "If you are going to the big
bad city, be sure to write to your old mother every week.” So Paddy goes off and
they don't hear a thing from him for months. Then one morning a post-card
arrives, but all it says is, "I am fine. How are you? Your son, Paddy Dunn.”
There is no address on it, so they look at the postmark, which says "London
W.C. 1”. Then old Mrs. Dunn says to Mick, "Go to London and bring your
brother back.” When Mick arrives in London, he wanders around for a while
looking for "W.C.1" until he comes to Piccadilly Circus, and there he sees a sign
saying “W.C.”

"This must be it," he thinks, and then walks down the steps. When he reaches
the bottom, there are three doors marked “1… 2… 3”. So he knocks on
number one and shouts, "Are you Dunn in there?”

"Sure,I am done," says a voice from inside. "But there is no paper in here!”

“Jesus, Paddy!" cries Mick. "That is no excuse for not writing to your mother!”

Hamish MacTavish picks up a girl in a bar. After a few drinks, they go to a hotel
room and make love. In the middle of the night, Hamish wakes up to go to the
bathroom. When he gets out of bed, he notices that the woman has taken off a
wooden leg, and has leaned it against the wall. Hamish is fascinated by it, and as
the girl is fast asleep, he starts fiddling with its springs and braces. But finally he
finds that he has taken the wooden leg apart and can't put it back together
again. He goes out into the hall and stops the first person that comes along, who
happens to be Paddy, very drunk. "Can you help me?" says Hamish. "I have got
a woman in my room with one leg apart, and I can't seem to get it back
together.”

"Hell!" replies Paddy. "That's nothing. I have got a woman in my room with
both legs apart, and I can't even find the goddam door!”

Father Murphy is in the church one Friday night when the door bursts open and
Paddy stumbles in, very drunk. The priest watches him stagger around the
church until he finds the confessional booth and goes inside. Father Murphy
feels compassion for the poor drunk Paddy, and goes to hear his confession. He
enters his side of the booth and waits for Paddy to begin. Paddy says nothing,
just grunts and groans a bit, and then there is silence. The priest becomes
impatient and starts knocking on the wall, to encourage Paddy to begin his
confession. "It is no good banging on the wall!" cries Paddy. "There is no toilet
paper in here either!”

Paddy decides to go and visit his old friend, Fergus MacDuffy, who owns a pub
in the woods called The Old Log Inn. But when Paddy arrives, Fergus is
shocked to see that he has been beaten up. His eyes are swollen and he has a
bloody nose and mouth. "My god!" cries Fergus, "what happened to you?”

"Well," replies Paddy, "on my way here I got lost in the woods, I did not know
where I was going. Then I saw a couple making love under a tree. So I went
over to them, and all I asked was, ‘How far is The Old Log Inn?’”

Paddy is quietly drinking his beer in the corner of the pub one evening. But his
blissful mood is broken when he sees a woman from Christ's Salvation Army
going from table to table, speaking to the customers. Paddy tries to avoid her
eye, but in vain. The Christian lady approaches Paddy and says, "Don't you
know that stuff you are drinking is slow poison?”

"That's all right," replies Paddy. "I'm in no hurry.”

Sean and Paddy are sitting around drinking a few beers. "My wife, Bridget,"
Sean confides to Paddy, "is an angel.”

"You are lucky," says Paddy, "my wife Maureen is still alive.”

"How is your wife looking these days?" Sean asks Paddy. "She went to the
beauty shop and got a mud pack," replies Paddy, "and for two days she looked
nice. Then the mud fell off.”

Paddy walks into his local pub one evening and sees a smart traveling salesman
leaning against the bar. He is impressed by the man's impeccable clothes, but
what really catches his eye is the guy's beautiful red shoes. So Paddy walks up to
him and says, "I really love your shoes. What kind are they?”
"They are crocodile shoes," replies the salesman. Paddy has never heard of
crocodiles but not wanting to show his ignorance, he says, "Thanks," and then
goes and asks Sam, the bartender, what a crocodile is. "It is a big, ferocious
animal that lives in the Amazon jungle in" Brazil," replies Sam. Paddy has fallen
in love with those shoes, and when Paddy falls in love, he will stop at nothing.
So, the next day, he sells his old Ford car and buys a ticket to Brazil. Two days
later, he has hired a local guide and is paddling up the river in a small boat, in
search of a crocodile. A week later, and deep in the jungle, the guide suddenly
shouts, "Look! Mr. Murphy, a crocodile!” Paddy grabs his huge knife and leaps
into the river. A terrible fight follows, which is almost Paddy's last. But
eventually, he kills the beast and drags it into the boat. Exhausted, and bloody,
Paddy triumphantly turns the crocodile onto his back, and then stares in
amazement. "Shit!" he cries, "it has got no shoes on!”

Paddy is in court, requesting damages for injuries to his arm, which happened
in an accident at work. "Would you show me how far you can raise your arm
now?" asks the defense advocate.With a great deal of effort Paddy raises his arm
six inches. "And could you raise it higher before the accident?" asks the
advocate. "Of course," says Paddy, "I could raise it this high…!”

Paddy gets a new job, and on the first day, the boss walks up to him and says,
"What is your name?”

"Patrick Murphy!" Paddy replies. "Look here," snaps the boss, "say ‘Sir’, when
you speak to me!”

"All right," says Paddy, “Sir Patrick Murphy!”

After many years of service, Father O'Reilly realizes that his assistant Patrick
McDilly is stealing from the donation box. So the next Sunday, after hearing
McDilly's confession, Father O’Reilly says, "Patrick, besides the sins you have
already confessed, don't you have anything else to add?” There is no reply.
"Okay, Patrick," continues Father O’Reilly, "I Will' ask you straight: who is
stealing from the donation box?” There is silence. Father O'Reilly tries again
and still he is met with silence. So then he comes out of the confession box and
says to McDilly, “Hey, I asked you a question.”

"Funny," says McDilly, “I did not hear anything.” "Okay," says the priest
impatiently. "We will change places. I will kneel there and you sit in my place
and we will check this thing out.” So McDilly sits down and asks, "Who is
screwing the young priest who just arrived?”

"Funny," says O’Reilly jumping up. "You are right, I cannot hear either.”

Paddy and Sean are driving home to Dublin from an Irish wine-tasting festival
and have tasted a little too much. "Paddy, are we near the city yet?" asks Sean.
"Yes," says Paddy, "we must be. We are knocking down more people.”

"Drive slower then," cries Sean. "What do you mean, drive slower?" says Paddy.
"YOU are driving!”

Many people have trouble understanding what a miracle is. Paddy is one of
these people and even though Father Murphy has explained the subject many
times and in great detail, Paddy is still not satisfied. "Father," says Paddy,
"perhaps you could give me an example of a miracle?”

"All right, Patrick," says the priest, "turn around.” Paddy turns around and
Father Murphy gives him a large boot in the backside. "Now, Patrick," asks the
priest, "did you feel that?” "I certainly did," replies Paddy, rubbing his buttocks.
"Well, Patrick," sighs Father Murphy, "it would have been a miracle if you
hadn’t.”

Seamus is leaning on the bar in the pub, when Paddy comes in with a perfect
black eye. "Hey, Paddy!" says Seamus, "That's a beautiful black eye you have
there. Who hit you?”

"As a matter of fact," says Paddy, after ordering a beer, "Fergus O'Reilly hit
me.”

"My God!" says Seamus, "with what?”

"Well, as a matter of fact," replies Paddy, "he had a wooden stick in his hand.”

"And I suppose," remarks Seamus, "that you did not have anything in YOUR
hand?”

"As a matter of fact," says Paddy, sipping his beer, "in my hand I had Katie
O'Reilly's left breast. An object of great beauty - but no use in a fight!”
Pope the Polack is seriously ill and Paddy, Seamus and Sean are drunk in the
pub, discussing who will be the new pope. "I know who the next pope will be,"
says Seamus, "it is going to be Cardinal Ratzoff from Russia.”

"Rubbish," says Sean, "the next pope will be Cardinal Chong from China.”

"It is going to be Ratzoff from Russia," insists Seamus. "Not a chance," says
Sean, "Cardinal Chong from China.”

"Ratzoff !" shouts Seamus. "Chong!" shouts Sean.

Paddy has been sitting quietly, looking at his beer. "Neither of you know what
you are talking about," he says. "The next pope is going to be Rabbi Nussbaum
from New York.”

"Don't be willy," snaps Seamus, "he is not even a Catholic.”

"Ah," says Paddy, "well I won't even argue with you if you are going to bring
religion into it.”

Paddy and Sean are sitting in the pub having a discussion about their wives.
"What do you mean," asks Sean, "when you say you have to think twice before
you go out and leave your wife alone at night?”

"First," replies Paddy, "I have to think up a reason for going out. And second, I
have to think up a reason why she can't go with me!” Paddy sells Farmer Giles a
donkey, but the old farmer is not happy with it.

"You never told me the truth about that donkey you sold me the other day," says
Farmer Giles. "You told me he was hard working and easy to handle, but I can't
get him to move.”

"Well," says Paddy, "let me have a look at him.” So they go into a field where the
donkey is hitched to a cart, but the donkey won't budge for the farmer. Paddy
picks up a big stick and cracks it over the donkey's head, breaking the stick.

"Now try him," he says. "Giddap!" shouts Farmer Giles and away goes the
donkey. "I don't get it," says the farmer, "you told me to be gentle with the
donkey.”

"Of course," says Paddy, "but first you have to get his attention.”
The boys in the pub organize a grand Christmas raffle, and the prize is to be
one night at the finest brothel in Bangkok. Paddy wins the raffle, and on his
return, he describes to his friends what happened. He talks about the curtains of
gold beads, the sensuous perfumes, the music, the exotic meal served by naked,
twelve-year-old girls and other delights. And he ends each descriptive passage
with: “… to be sure, it was nothing like Dublin’!" Finally, Paddy describes the
most beautiful woman he has ever seen, dressed in white lace. “She came down
the staircase, took me gently by the hand, and led me to her perfumed bed. To
be sure," says Paddy, "it was nothin'g like Dublin!"

"And then?" ask all his friends, "AND THEN?”

"Oh," replies Paddy, "then it was just like Dublin.”

Paddy and Sean are drinking in the pub late one night when Paddy says, "I had
better be going home or Maureen will kill me. No matter how quietly I creep
into the house, she always wakes up and shouts at me.”

"You should do what I do," boasts Sean. "1 have a system. No matter what time
it is, when I go home I slam the front door, stomp up the stairs, turn on the
bedroom lights, take my clothes off, jump into bed, slap Bridget on the behind,
and say, ‘Hey, honey! How about a piece of ass?’ And would you believe it? - she
is fast asleep!”

Fergus and O'Reilly have been drinking partners at the same pub for years.
Fergus has a humped back, and O'Reilly has a club foot. One night, leaving the
pub after a late session, Fergus takes a shortcut through the haunted cemetery.
He is stumbling along, when a ghost pops out from behind one of the
gravestones.

"What's that on your back?" asks the ghost. "It is a hump!" stammers Fergus.
"Well," giggles the ghost, "I will take that!" All of a sudden, Fergus finds himself
tall and straight - and running for his house as fast as he can. The next night,
Fergus tells O'Reilly all about his meeting with the ghost, and O’Reilly decides
to try the shortcut through the graveyard himself.

He is wandering around, when up pops the ghost, and asks O'Reilly, "What is
that on your back?” O'Reilly is confused and stammers, “Nothing!"

"Well," chuckles the ghost, "have a hump!”

Paddy complains to his friend Sean, that he has seen his wife going into a movie
with a strange man. "Did you follow them inside?" asks Sean. "No way," replies
Paddy, "I had already seen the movie.”

Paddy and Sean plan to go on a fishing trip and are all excited about it. Paddy
says to Sean, "I will bring the fishing gear, and you go to the grocery store and
buy the provisions.” On the morning they are going to leave, Sean shows up at
Paddy's house with two loaves of bread and twelve bottles of whiskey. "I can't
believe it," says Paddy, "I leave the supplies to you and what happens? You bring
two loaves of bread and twelve bottles of whiskey. Now, what the hell are we
going to do with all that bread?”

Paddy decides to go rabbit shooting, but when he gets to his favorite field he sees
the village priest is already there. Paddy watches with fascination as the priest
holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out.The priest
grabs it and puts it into a sack. He repeats this unusual but very successful
technique until his sack is full of rabbits. Paddy stops the priest and asks him
how he does it. "Easy," says the priest. "Put your finger on your wife’s pussy and
then hold it over a rabbit hole. They can't resist the smell, so when they come
out, grab them!” As this sounds much easier than shooting, Paddy rushes home,
to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor. He lifts up her skirt and applies
his finger as instructed. Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses,
Father! Rabbit hunting again’?"

Paddy and Sean are watching Molly being chatted up in the pub. When she
leaves with the man, Sean turns to Paddy and says, "I can't understand it. Molly
is one of the ugliest girls around, and yet all the men seem to find her
attractive.”

"It's because of her speech impediment," says Paddy, sagely. "Her speech
impediment?" asks Sean astonished. "Yes," says Paddy, "she can't say ‘no’.”

Early one morning, Paddy and Maureen go fishing together in a boat. "Do you
mind if I fish off the right side of the boat?" asks Maureen. Paddy agrees and
starts fishing from the left side. He catches nothing all day, but Maureen keeps
pulling up fish, one after the other. The next week, they go fishing again, and
this time, Maureen asks to fish from the left side of the boat. Paddy fishes from
the right side and catches nothing, but again Maureen almost fills the boat with
the fish she catches from the left side. At the end of the day, Paddy is really
puzzled. "Maureen," he asks, "how do you know which side of the boat the fish
are going to be on?”

"Well," replies Maureen, "when I wake up in the morning I have a look at your
prick. If it is hanging on the left side, I fish on the left side of the boat. And if it
is on the right side, then I fish on the right side of the boat.”

"That's amazing," says Paddy, "and what if my prick is standing up in the

middle?”

"Well, Paddy," says Maureen, "on a day like THAT, who cares about fishing?”

Paddy and Sean are sitting in the bar one evening. "You know, Sean,” says
Paddy, “I have read so much lately about how smoking can ruin your health that
I have finally decided to do something about it.”

"So, you are going to give up smoking?" asks Sean. "Heavens no," cried Paddy,
"I am going to give up reading.”

The doctor is explaining to Paddy how nature makes up for a person's

deficiencies. "For example," he tells Paddy, "If a man is deaf, he may have very
good eyesight, and if a man is blind, he may have a very good sense of smell.”

"I think I see what you mean," says Paddy. "I have often noticed that if a man
has one short leg, then the other one is always a little bit longer.” Paddy and his
friend Sean are sitting in a bar moaning to each other, talking about how ugly
their wives are.

A common topic among husbands…

"My wife is so ugly," says Sean, “if I want to make love to her I have to put a
bag over her head.”

"That's nothing," says Paddy. "My wife was so ugly when she was born that the
doctor slapped her mother.”

Paddy is sitting at the bar, slowly sipping his drink, when his friend, Sean, comes
running in. "Paddy," he shouts, "get over to your house real quick. I just stopped
off to see you and I heard a man's voice in your bedroom. So I looked through
your Window and I saw your wife in bed with another man.”

"Is that so?" says Paddy, matter-of-factly. "What does this guy looks like?”

"Oh, he's tall and completely bald," says Sean.

"And did he have a thick red mustache?" asks Paddy.

"Right, right!" yells Sean.

"Did he have a front gold tooth?" asks Paddy.

"Damn it, you are right!" replies Sean.

"Must be that idiot Fergus O’Duffy," says Paddy. "He will screw anything.”

Paddy drives through a red fight and smashes into a car driven by Father
O’Hagan. The car turns over three times and the priest is thrown from the
vehicle into the gutter. Paddy rushes over and says, "I am terribly sorry, Father”.

"Saints above!" says the shaken priest, "You almost killed me.”

"Here," says Paddy, "I have got a small bottle of whisky. Take some and you will
feel a lot better.” Father O'Hagan takes a couple of large gulps and then
continues his tirade.

"What were you doing? You nearly launched me into eternity.”

"I am sorry, Father," says Paddy. "Take a few more sips and it will ease your
nerves.” The priest takes another large gulp and almost finishes the bottle,
which he offers to Paddy. "Why don't you have a drink?" he asks.

"No thanks, Father," says Paddy, "I will just sit here and wait for the police to
arrive!”

Paddy and Maureen live in an old house, very close to the railway station, and
every time a train goes by, the door of their bedroom wardrobe opens by itself.
Maureen gets so fed up with this that one day she calls a carpenter to come and
fix it. But he can't locate the problem and he decides that the only thing to do is
to get inside it, close the door and watch what happens. Just then Paddy comes
home. He sees a pair of men's shoes in the bedroom and starts looking around
for the owner, but before Maureen can explain a train goes by, the wardrobe
opens by itself, and the carpenter is revealed inside. Paddy is furious. "And what
the hell are you doing here?" he cries. "You won't believe this," says the man,
"but I'm waiting for a train!”

Paddy gets a job at an Antarctic weather station. He lives alone in a little hut
and has to go out once a day to read the temperature. The rest of the day he
spends reading through hundreds of old copies of the READER'S DIGEST
magazine which have been left there. After a while, Paddy writes a story and
sends it to the magazine for them to publish. He receives a reply:

"Dear Mr. Murphy, thank you for your article entitled, ‘I Screwed a Polar Bear.’
We are a family magazine and your article is not exactly our type of story, but
please try again."

Paddy reads a few more READER'S DIGESTS and writes another article. He
sends it to the magazine and gets this reply:

"Dear Mr. Murphy, we like your article, ‘I Screwed a Polar Bear for Ronald
Reagan’s Government,’ but we must remind you that we are a family magazine
and we cannot publish it. However we like your style, so please try again."

After another hundred READER'S DIGESTS, Paddy sends off another story.
This time he gets a large check and the letter reads:

"Dear Mr. Murphy, congratulations on your story entitled, ‘I Screwed a Polar

Bear for Ronald Reagan's Government and Found God.’ We shall publish it in
next month's issue.”

Paddy is driving along a winding mountain road in his old Ford car. Suddenly a
sleek sports car going in the opposite direction almost runs him off the road.

And to make things worse, a young woman driving the sports car sticks her head
out of the window and yells at him, “Pig!”

Paddy immediately reacts angrily by sticking his head out of his car and yelling
back at her, “Bitch!" He then rounds the next bend in the road and smashes
straight into a huge pig!
Paddy gets an invitation to his rich cousin’s wedding in Dublin. At the reception
he feels a bit self-conscious in his country clothes so he spends most of his time
in the corner drinking whiskey. Finally, he decides to join the party, and asks the
most important looking lady guest to dance a Viennese waltz with him. Paddy is
angrily refused. "There are four reasons why I won’t dance with you," says the
guest. "First, you have had too much to drink. Second, the band is not playing a
waltz. Third, I am not a woman. Fourth, I am the archbishop of Dublin!”

Paddy, Sean and Mick are going for a drink one day when just before they enter
the bar a man comes flying out of the door and falls down the steps in front of
them. "My God," cries the man, "the bartender there is almost crazy. Whatever
you do, don’t mention his ears!” The boys are curious, so they go inside taking a
cautious look at the bartender, on their way to a table. The bartender is a mean
looking character, with a completely shaved head and no ears - just two holes in
the sides of his head. Mick goes up to the bar first and not being able to look the
man in the eye says, "Gee, I love your red velvet pants. Where did you get
them?" The bartender lifts a huge fist and knocks Mick to the floor. Sean tries
next, and feeling uncomfortable looks down at the floor and says, "I like your
shoes. Where did you get them?" The man lifts his huge fists and knocks Sean to
the floor. So Paddy strides up to the bar, looks the man straight in the eye and
says, "You wear contact lenses, don‘t you?” The bartender takes Paddy's hand
and shakes it vigorously. "Thank you," he says. "You are the first person all day
who has had the guts to look in me in the eye and treat me as a human being.
And yes, I do wear contact lenses. But how did you know?”

"Simple," says Paddy. "You couldn’t wear glasses because you have no ears!”

Paddy and Sean go hunting together in the Oregon mountains. After a while,
Sean stops to take a piss, and a rattlesnake bites him on the prick. He calls out
to Paddy and tells him to go to the nearest Village and ask what to do. Paddy
runs off and after half an hour runs breathlessly into the doctor's office and asks
for advice.

The doctor says, "Take a sharp knife and make an opening in the wound and
suck out the poison.”

Paddy rushes back and as he approaches, Sean calls out, "Paddy, hey, Paddy,
what did he say?”

"I am sorry," replies Paddy, "but he says you are going to die.”
Paddy is explaining to Seamus what happened when he went into the new
Zorba the Buddha self-service restaurant. "I got myself a cup of coffee," he says,
"and set it on the table. Then I went back for a piece of pie, but when I came
back with the pie, the coffee was gone. So I set down the pie and went back for
another cup of coffee, but when I came back the pie was gone. “So I wrote a
card. It read: ‘I put my finger in the coffee.’

“Then I stuck the card alongside the cup. I went for another piece of pie, but
when I came back the coffee cup was empty and someone had written on the
card, ‘I drank your coffee but I could not find your finger.’”

Zabriski is hired to wash the Windows of an eighteen-story building. When he

arrives at the job, he finds Paddy and Sean there to help him. The three of
them climb the scaffolding to the top of the building and start to work. But after
an hour passes, suddenly Zabriski climbs over the scaffolding and jumps
eighteen stories to the street below. The police arrive, and one of the officers
asks Paddy and Sean what happened. "I don't know," says Sean. “Well,” says
Paddy, "maybe it was because of his deformity.”

"What do you mean?" asks the cop. "Well," says Paddy, "he kept on saying that
he couldn't work with two assholes.”

Paddy wins some money at the horse races and treats himself to a meal at a
fancy restaurant. While his dinner is being served, he notices that the spoons are
made of real silver. So he eats quickly, and putting one of the spoons into his
pocket, he gets up to leave. Just as he reaches the door, the waiter rushes after
him and calls, "Excuse me sir, what about the bill?" Paddy turns around and
shouts, "What spoon?”

His whole mind is concerned about the spoon that he has stolen. Seeing the servant running he
knows that he is coming for the spoon. He does not hear the word ‘bill,’ he hears the word
‘spoon’. And we can understand; it is natural. You are so filled. with stolen spoons, that when a
bill is offered, you immediately react: what spoon?

Paddy is hauled into court again, charged with causing a breach of peace.

"Patrick Murphy," says Judge Grump, sternly, "it is alcohol, and alcohol alone,
that is responsible for your present sorry state.”
"I am glad to hear you say that," replies Paddy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody
else says it is all my fault!”

Paddy is a drunkard and yet Maureen has never tasted alcohol in her whole life.
"Hey, you drunk," she says one day, "give me that bottle. I want to taste
whatever it is that has made you the burn you are.” Taking the bottle of cheap
whiskey, she takes a good gulp from it. "Yuk," she gasps, "that's the most vile-
tasting liquid that has ever passed my lips. It tastes terrible.”

"You see," says Paddy, "and all these years you thought I was having a good
time.”

Paddy wakes up in hospital, covered in bandages, and notices Seamus sitting at

his bedside. "What happened to me?" asks Paddy. "Well," replies Seamus, "you
had a few too many drinks last night, and then you made a bet that you could
jump out of the window and fly around the pub.”

"Why didn't you stop me?" Paddy screams. "Stop you?" replies Seamus. "Hell, I
bet twenty-five dollars on you.”

Hymie Goldberg is touring Ireland in his car when he finds Paddy hitch-hiking,
holding a cow. "I can give you a lift," says Hymie, "but I can't take your cow.”

"Oh, that's okay," says Paddy, "she will follow us at her own speed.” So Paddy
gets in and Hymie is soon driving at thirty miles per hour. The cow is trotting
along behind. Hymie speeds up to forty miles per hour and the cow is still
keeping pace. At fifty miles per hour Hymie sees that the cow is right behind,
but he notices that she seems to be getting tired. "I'm a bit worried about your
cow" says Hymie, "her tongue is hanging out of her mouth.”

"Which side of the mouth?" asks Paddy. "On the right side," replies Hymie.
"Oh, that's all right then," says Paddy. "That just means she wants to pass you!”

Paddy and Seamus are sitting in the pub, having a drink together. "A burglar got
into my house at three o'clock this morning," says Paddy, "while I was on my
way home from the pub.”

"Did he get anything?" asks Seamus.

"He certainly did," says Paddy. "The poor guy is in the hospital. My wife,
Maureen, thought it was me!”

Paddy and Sean are deep in the mountains on a hunting trip, when they stop to
rest. Paddy gazes at Sean and says, “You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a
heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?”

"Don't worry," replies Sean. "Last year I shot a sixteen-hundred-pound elk, way
back in the hills, and got it out all right.”

"How did you manage that?" asks Paddy. "Simple," says Sean, "it took me
twelve trips.”

Paddy goes to the horse races in Dublin. In the evening, he walks into a pub and
orders a large brandy for himself and drinks for everyone in the bar. "And have
one yourself," he tells the bartender, generously. Half an hour later, the order is
repeated, and this goes on all evening until at closing time, the bartender taps
Paddy on the shoulder. "I hope you don't mind my mentioning it," he says, "but
your bill comes to two hundred pounds.”

"Does it?" asks Paddy. "Well I am sorry to hear that, because I've not got a
penny.” The bartender leaps over the bar and starts to beat Paddy and
eventually kicks him out of the door, into the street. The next evening, the pub
is just opening when Paddy walks in. "A large brandy for me,” he announces,
"and drinks for everyone in the bar. But I am not buying YOU one," he says to
the barman. "After a couple of drinks, you get very nasty!”

A woman is out riding one day when she falls off her horse and shoots straight
through a hedge, where her jeans and sweater are torn off. She is lying naked
and unconscious in the field when Father Murphy comes by on his bicycle.

Seeing the naked girl, he runs over to see what has happened, but not knowing
what to do, he places his black priest's hat over her pussy and jumps on his
bicycle to go and get help. Just then, Paddy and Sean stagger out of the pub and
go over to the hedge to take a piss. Seeing the girl lying there, Paddy turns to
Sean and says, "Look, that girl seems to be in trouble.”

"She is," says Sean, "and the first thing we've got to do is to get Father Murphy
out of there.”
Paddy decides to try life in the army and gets sent to a training camp. One
night, he comes back from an exercise covered in cow shit. "Why are you late
back in camp?" snaps the sergeant-major. "Sorry, sir," says Paddy, "but as we
crossed that field full of cows my hat blew off, and I had to try on thirty before I
found it again.”

During army camouflage training, private Paddy Murphy, disguised as a tree

trunk, makes a sudden move and is spotted by the general. "You idiot!" yells the
officer. "You are supposed to be a tree. Jumping and screaming like that, you
could endanger the lives of the whole platoon.”

"Yes, Sir'," replies Paddy. "But sir, I must tell you, I stood quite still when some
pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved when three dogs
thought I was a latrine. But I could not bear it when two squirrels ran up the leg
of my pants and I heard one of them say, ‘Let's eat one now and save the other
until winter.’”

Paddy is a private in the British army. One day, the general calls him to his tent
and says, "Private Murphy, you have been chosen for a very special mission.You
will be parachuted at night behind the enemy lines, where you will be met by a
jeep. And the driver will give you your orders.”

So that night, Paddy goes up in the plane. They are approaching the enemy
lines when Paddy turns to his officer and says, "But sir, I have never parachuted.
What should I do?”

"Don't worry," replies the officer. "All you do is jump. Then three seconds later
look up and you will see your parachute open. If it does not, just pull your
emergency cord and your second parachute will open. When you land, the jeep
will be there to meet you.”

"Okay," says Paddy, and jumps out of the plane. Three seconds later he looks
up, but nothing happens. So he pulls the emergency cord and still nothing
happens. "My God," says Paddy as he rushes towards the ground. "And I bet
that bloody jeep won’t be there either!”

A very drunk Paddy is hauled in off the street and taken before the magistrate,
who asks him to explain his drunken behavior. "Well," says Paddy, "I had ten
bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of
each and every bottle down the sink, or I'd be in trouble. "So I withdrew the
cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the
exception of one glass, which I drank. "I took the cork from the second bottle
and did likewise with it, except for one glass, which I drank. "I then withdrew
the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, which I
drank. "I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink, and poured the
bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest
down the glass. "I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork
down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glasses, bottled the drink and
drank the pour. "When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with my
hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles and sinks with the other hand, which
were twenty-nine, and as the house came by, I counted them again and finally
had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. "I'm not under the affluence of
incohol, as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you ‘might drink. I
fool so feelish, I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer
I get.”

Bridget, the Irish prostitute, has just finished "servicing" her client, an English
gentleman. She asks him, "Hey, you don't have that terrible AIDS disease, do
you?”

"No," replies the gentleman, doing up his shoelaces, "I get a medical check each
week, I'm definitely clean.”

"Oh good," replies Bridget. "Thank God for that, I wouldn't like to be getting
THAT again!”

While crossing the railway lines one day, Paddy is hit by a train and badly
injured. He spends six months in hospital. When he is finally released, the first
thing Paddy does is go into the nearest pub for a few drinks. Two hours later,
while he is staggering home, he sees a toy train set in a shop window. He rushes
inside, picks up a hammer and starts smashing the toy train to pieces. The
shopkeeper comes running over, shouting, "Hey, what the hell are you doing?”
"It is okay," replies Paddy, "it is dead now. But you have to kill these things
before they grow up and get really dangerous.”

Paddy Murphy is on his way home from work, when he comes across a woman
crying hysterically. "What is the matter, lady?" he asks. "MacTavish is' dead!"
she sobs. "MacTavish is dead!” A few minutes later he comes across another
woman sobbing, "MacTavish is dead! MacTavish is dead!” Soon he finds
another woman crying the same thing, and then as he approaches the railway
crossing he sees a ghastly sight. A train has run over a man and cut him in
pieces. And there on the street next to the body is lying his foot-and-a-half long
prick.

Several women are standing around crying, "MacTavish is dead! MacTavish is

dead!” When Paddy arrives home, he says to Maureen, "I just saw a terrible
thing. A train ran over a guy and cut off his pecker. And would you believe it?
His prick was eighteen inches long!”

"My God!" cries Maureen. "MacTavish is dead!”

Paddy is feeling under the weather, so he goes to see his doctor. "I just can‘t find
any cause for your illness," says Doctor Gasbag. “Frankly, I think it is due to
drinking.”

"In that case," replies Paddy, getting up to leave, "I will come back when you are
sober!”

Paddy lurches out of the pub and bumps straight into Father Murphy, the
Village priest. "Patrick," says the priest, "I am so sorry to see you come out of
such a place as that!”

"Well, then," says Paddy, turning around, "I will go right back in!”

There is an accident on the construction site. Seamus runs over to where Paddy
is lying in a heap of rubble. "Are you dead, Paddy, after such a terrible fall?"
asks Seamus. "Yes, certainly I am," replies Paddy. "Ah, bejabers!" says Seamus,
"you are such a terrible liar, I don't know whether to believe you or not.”

"That proves I am dead, you idiot," says Paddy. “If I was alive, you would not
be calling me a liar to my face.”

Paddy telephones the police station in a terrible state. "Officer," he cries, "come
over at once. The steering wheel, the gear-stick, the clutch, the brake and the
accelerator have all been stolen from my car.” A few minutes later Paddy calls
back and says, "I am sorry, officer, no need to bother. I just realized I got in the
back seat by mistake.”

Paddy, Sean and Mick are out hunting one day when they came upon some
tracks. After looking at them closely, Paddy says, "Those are bear tracks.”

"No, no," says Sean, "those are deer tracks.”

"Hey Mick," they both ask, "what do you think they are?” But before Mick can
answer, all three are knocked flat by a train.

Paddy is reading in a science magazine that cigarette smoking has been known
to cause cancer in rats and mice. This moves him greatly, so that night when he
goes to bed he locks his cigarettes in the cupboard where the rats and mice can’t
get at them.

Two Irishmen are driving to a pub with a bomb in the back of their car and evil
plans in their minds. One turns to the other and says, "What if the bomb goes
off before we get there?”

"Don't worry," the other replies, "I have got a spare in the trunk.”

Paddy is standing at the bar one day, drunk, when he turns to the man on his
right and says, "Did you pour beer in my trouser pocket?" The man says, "I
certainly did not.” Then Paddy turns to the man on his left, and says, "Did you
pour beer in my trouser pocket?” The man says, "I most certainly did not pour
beer in your trouser pocket.”

“Just as I thought," says Paddy, "an inside job.”

Two Irish leprechauns arrive at the convent door and ask to speak to the
Mother Superior. They are led to her office, where one of them respectfully
asks, "Excuse me, your holiness, but are there any leprechaun nuns at this
convent?”

The Mother Superior looks shocked and assures him that there are not. The
little guy then asks if there are any leprechaun nuns in the neighborhood. Again
the reply is no. The leprechaun then asks, "Begging your pardon, Holy Mother,
but would you know of ANY leprechaun nuns ANYWHERE?” The nun shakes
her head, at which the little man turns and shakes his friend by the shoulders.
"You see! You see!" he cries, "I told you, you fucked a penguin’!"

He has been warned that Paddy is a bit of a fool, but the postmaster decides to
hire him anyway, because the post office is really short-staffed. His first day on
the job, Paddy is given the work of sorting letters, and to everyone's surprise, he
separates the letters so fast that his motions are literally a blur. Very pleased
about this, the postmaster approaches him at the end of the day. "I want you to
know," he says, "that we're all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest
workers we've ever had.”

"Thanks a lot," replies Paddy, "and tomorrow, I'll try and do even better.”

"Better?" asks the postmaster, astonished. "How could you possibly do better?”

"Well," says Paddy, "tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses.”

Duffy is fixing his car outside his house. He has the hood off, the car up, and his
head inside, when Paddy comes by, completely drunk. "What’s the matter?" asks
Paddy. "Piston broke," says Duffy. "Ah," says Paddy, "pissed and broke - so am I,
so am I.”

Paddy’s old mother receives a letter from her son, on safari in Africa.

"Dear Mother," writes Paddy. "I am sending some pills that a witch doctor gave
me, and if you take one it will take years off your life.” Paddy comes home a
few weeks later, and there is a beautiful young woman outside his house, rocking
a pram in which a baby lies sucking a bottle. "Where is my mother?" asks Paddy.

"Don't be silly," says the woman, "I am your mother. And those pills were
marvelous.”

"Imagine that," said Paddy. "Only one pill". And what’s more, you were able to
have a baby.”

"Are you crazy?" cries the woman. "That’s not a baby. That’s your father. He
took two!”
Paddy falls two stories from a building scaffold. "Did the fall hurt you?" asks
Sean. Paddy feels his aching bones. "It was not the fall that hurt me," he says, "it
was the sudden stop.”

A man approaches Maureen on the sidewalk. "Excuse me, madam," he says

shyly, "but did you know that one of your tits is hanging out?”

"Oh, my God," she cries, "I left my baby on the bus.”

Paddy is walking down the street in Dublin, when suddenly two men pull him
into a dark alley. Paddy puts up a terrific fight, but the men manage to get him
pinned down and rob him.

But when they find only fifty pence, one of the men says angrily, "You mean to
say, you put up such a fight for a measly fifty pence? If you had a pound perhaps
you would have killed both of us.”

"Ah, no,” cries Paddy. “I thought you were after the five hundred pounds I’ve
hidden in my shoe.”

A Wild, Irish wedding reception is brought to a premature end when Paddy

grabs the microphone. "The party is over,” he announces. “We have run out of
booze, there is no food left, and somebody has fucked the bride.”

As everyone is heading towards the doors discussing what had happened,

another announcement is made. "It is okay, folks,” says Paddy, “you can come
back. We have found another case of Guinness, Maureen is making some
sandwiches, and the guy who fucked the bride has apologized!”

The office manager, looking angry, strides over to Paddy's desk and taps him on
the shoulder. "Listen," he says, "do me and everyone else a favor and stop
whistling while you work.”

"Hey, man," says Paddy, "who is working?”

Paddy and Sean are eating their lunch on the construction site. Suddenly Paddy
says, "Yuck! I just ate a worm in this apple.”
"Well," says Sean, "drink some water and wash him down.”

"To hell with him,” replies Paddy, throwing away the applecore. "Let him walk
himself.”

One day, Paddy, who works in the local brewery, falls into a gigantic barrel of
beer and drowns. When his wife is informed of the accident she asks if she can
see the scene of the tragedy. At the brewery the foreman explains to her, "He
was climbing this ladder when he slipped and fell into the beer and drowned.”

"How terrible!" exclaims Maureen. "It must have been an agonizing death.”

"I would not say exactly agonizing," replies the foreman. "He managed to get
out twice to go to the bathroom!”

Hymie Goldberg is on holiday in Ireland, driving his new Mercedes. He comes

to a small farm where the road goes right through a large puddle. Paddy is
standing next to it, so Hymie leans out and asks if the puddle is shallow. "Yes,"
says Paddy, “it is very shallow.” So Hymie drives on, only to have his car sink
slowly out of sight. Spluttering with rage and dripping wet, Hymie shouts at
Paddy, "You idiot! Why the hell did you tell me it was shallow enough to drive
through?” Paddy scratches his head and says, "I don't understand it. The water
only comes half way up my ducks.”

An American is driving along a small country lane in Ireland when he is

horrified to see a cartload of hay coming out of the field into the narrow road.
He jumps on the brakes but can't stop in time, and ends up driving through the
fence into the field where the car bursts into flames. "Bejabers!" exclaims Paddy
to his friend Seamus, who is driving the hay cart. "Some of these tourists are
terrible drivers. We only just got out of that field in time.”

Paddy is showing Sean his pet turtle. "Wow," says Sean, "that certainly is a
magnificent turtle.”

"Maybe," replies Paddy, "but he is very shortsighted.”

"Shortsighted?" asks Sean in surprise. “How can you tell?” Paddy smiles and
says, "He has fallen in love with my old army helmet.”
Sean and Paddy are having a drink at the pub when Sean says, "I heard you
having a great argument with Maureen last night. How did you make out?”

"Ah," says Paddy, "she came crawling to me on her hands and knees.”

"Is that so?" says Sean. "What did she say?”

"She said," replies Paddy, sipping his beer, "come out from under the bed you
rat!”

Paddy and Maureen have just had their eighteenth child, so Maureen goes to
Doctor Gasbag and asks if he can give her a hearing aid. "A hearing aid?" says
Gasbag. "How will that help you plan your family more effectively?”

"Well," says Maureen, "I'm a little bit deaf, so every night when Paddy says,
‘Would you like to go to sleep or what?’ I always say, ‘What?’”

Paddy has recently joined his local skydiving club and goes up for his first jump.
Everything is going perfectly until it is Paddy's turn to jump. "Hold it," shouts
his instructor, "you are not wearing your parachute!”

"Oh, that's okay," replies Paddy, "we are just practicing, aren't we?”

The phone rings at the maternity hospital and an excited voice at the other end
of the line says, "Send an ambulance quickly. My wife Maureen is about to have
a baby!”

"Calm down," replies the nurse. "Tell me, is this her first baby?”

"No," says Paddy, "this is her husband speaking.”

Paddy, looking furtively around the pub, confides to his friend, Seamus. "Man,
am I scared!” he whispers. “I just got a card from a guy saying that he would
shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.”

"Well, stay away from his wife," advises Seamus, “and you have got no
problem.”
"How can I?" moans Paddy, "he didn't sign his name.”

Paddy's friend, Seamus, is taking a night course in adult education. "Who is

Ronald Reagan?" he asks Paddy. "I don't know," Paddy replies. "He is the
president of the United States," says Seamus. "Now, do you know who Margaret
Thatcher is?”

"No," says Paddy. "She is the prime minister of Britain," says Seamus. "You see,
you should go to night school like I do, you might learn something.”

“Okay,” says Paddy. “Now I have a question for you. Do you know who Sean
O’Duffy is?”

"No, I don't," says Seamus. "Well," says Paddy, "he is the guy who is screwing
your wife while you are at night school.”

It will be very enlightening for you to understand this letter written by Paddy to
his beloved Maureen:

My darling Maureen,

I met you last night but you did not show up. Next time I will meet you again
whether you show up or not. If I am there first, I will write my name on the
gatepost to let you know. And if it is you that is first, rub out my name and
nobody will be any the wiser.

Darling Maureen, I would climb the highest mountain for your sake, and swim
the wildest sea. I would endure any hardships to spend a moment by your side.
Your ever-loving, Paddy.
P.S. I'll be over to see you on Friday night if it is not raining.

Sean decides to join the police force and goes along for the entrance
examination. The examining sergeant, realizing that Sean is an Irishman,
decides to ask him a Simple question. "Who killed Jesus Christ?" he asks. Sean
looks worried and says nothing, so the sergeant tells him not to worry and that
he can have some time to think about it. Sean is on his way home when he
meets Paddy. "Well," says Paddy, "are you a policeman yet?”

"I sure am,” replies Sean. “And not only that. I’m already on my first case.”
Paddy and Maureen live way out in the country and Maureen is taken ill one
day, shortly before her Child is due. It is quite dark when Doctor Gasbag
arrives. “Where is the little lady?" he asks. "She is over there in the barn where
she collapsed," says Paddy. With Paddy holding the lamp the doctor sets about
his job. "Patrick, you are the proud father of a little boy," says Gasbag. "Doctor,
we will have a drink," says Paddy. “Just a minute,” says Gasbag, “hold the light a
little closer. You are the father of two!”

"We will open a bottle," says Paddy. “Wait!” cries Gasbag. "Hold the light a little
closer. You are the father of three.”

"And sure it is going to be a celebration and all," says Paddy. “Just a minute,"
says the doctor, "hold the light a little closer.”

"I don't want to be difficult, doctor," says Paddy, "but do you think this bloody
light is attracting them?”

A Dublin milkman has just finished his delivery, so he parks his horse and cart
outside the pub and goes in for a drink. Refreshed after an hour, he comes out
to find his horse painted bright green. Very angry, he strides back into the pub
and demands, "Which of you just painted my horse green?” A seven foot Irish
giant stands up and, towering over him, says, "I did. Want to do something
about it?” The milkman gives a sickly grin and says, "I just came in to tell you,
the first coat is dry!”

Two Irishmen, Paddy and Sean, are flying to Poona. The plane takes off, and
they are just settling down with their first drink when the captain’s voice comes
over the intercom. "Engine number one has failed, but there is nothing to worry
about. We can run fine on three engines, but we will be arriving in Poona one
hour late." Paddy looks at Sean, and they have another drink. Ten minutes later
the captain’s voice comes on again. "Engine number two has failed, but we can
run fine on two engines. We will arrive in Poona two hours late." Sean looks at
Paddy, and they have another drink.

Ten minutes later the captain’s voice comes on again. "Engine number three has
failed, but there is nothing to worry about. We can run fine on one engine, but
we will be arriving in Poona four hours late.”

Paddy looks at Sean and says, "I hope that last engine doesn't fail, or we'll be up
here all night.”
Three Irishmen were caught up in the French Revolution and were sentenced to
be guillotined. As the first man waited for the blade to fall, it stuck, and he was
released according to the old custom. The same thing happened to the second
man, and he too was released. As the third man looked up, waiting for the blade
to fall, he shouted, “Hold on! I think I can see what is making it stick.”

Seamus takes tunafish sandwiches to work every day, but Sean notices that each
day he takes one bite and throws the rest away in disgust. "But if you don't like
tunafish," says Sean, "why don't you ask your wife to make something else?”

"Ah," says Seamus, "it is not as easy as that. I haven’t got a wife, I make them
myself.”

Maureen O'Murphy receives this letter from her son Patrick, at college in
Dublin:

Dear Mother, Send me fifty pounds immediately.

Your loving son, Patrick.

P.S. I am so ashamed to have written you this letter asking for money, that I sent
my friend, Michael, to get it back, but the postman had already collected it. I
can only hope that this letter gets lost in the post!

His mother replies:

Dear Son, Don't worry, the letter was lost in the post.

Your loving mother, Maureen.

P.S. I would have enclosed fifty pounds, but the postman has already collected
the letter.

Two Englishmen, Charles and Henry, are getting drunk at their local pub, The
Duke and Tart, in London one evening. They see Paddy and Sean, the two
Irishmen, at the other end of the bar, and decide to pick a fight with them. “Just
watch this, Charles," says Henry. "I will make that Irish idiot so pissed off that
he will have to hit me, and start a fight.” So Henry wanders over to Paddy and
says in a superior tone, "Listen here, my good man, do you know Saint Patrick?”
"Yes Sir', certainly," says Paddy, putting down his beer glass. “Well, I don't
actually know him personally, but I do know OF him, certainly sir!”

"Well, then," continues the Englishman, "you must know that he was a pooftah -
or to put it more bluntly, a bloody homosexual!”

"Ah! No, sir," replies Paddy, politely, "I did not know that. That's certainly
interesting though - a pooftah, you say?”

"And not only that," continues Henry, still trying to provoke him, "but Saint
Patrick was a shithead, as well!”

"Really?" replies Paddy. "That is amazing. Well, you live and learn, don’t you,
sir?”

Henry gives up and goes back to the other end of the bar. But Charles, seeing
Henry’s failure, jumps to his feet and says, "Leave it to me! I will get him going!”

So Charles staggers over to Paddy and says, "Listen here, you idiot, do you know
that your bloody Saint Patrick was an Englishman?”

"Yes, sir, I do," replies Paddy, "your friend just told me!”

Paddy and Seamus are walking home from the pub through the park one day,
in deep, philosophical discussion. For over an hour, they have been talking about
whether God-Almighty rules over their lives or not, when Paddy gets fed up and
says, "Ah, God can't tell me what to do - I am going to the beach for a holiday!”

"You mean," replies Seamus, "that you are going to the beach - God willing?”

"No!" snaps Paddy, stubbornly. "I am going to the beach, God willing or not!”

But just at that moment, there is a loud crash of thunder in the sky. Seamus
covers his head in fear, and falls to the ground. When he opens his eyes again,
he looks around, and finds that Paddy has been changed into a slimy green frog.

For seven weeks, Paddy, the frog, is forced to live in the park pond, and every
day Seamus brings a handful of dead flies for him to eat. Finally, after his
penance is completed, Paddy is changed back into his old self. He immediately
walks home and begins packing his bags. "Hey, Paddy!" cries Seamus, with
surprise. "My God, you are back! But where are you going NOW?”
"Like I said," shouts Paddy, "I am going to the beach!”

"You mean," replies Seamus, "that you are going to the beach - God willing?”

"No!" shouts Paddy, furiously. "I am going to the beach or I am going back to
that goddam frog pond!”

Paddy makes a lot of money on his used furniture stall one year, so he shuts up
shop and goes to Paris for a holiday. Two weeks later he is back in Ireland,
sitting in the pub and telling Seamus all about his adventures. "Oh! It was
great!" says Paddy. "Paris is out of this world!”

"Really?" says Seamus. "But how did you get on, without knowing a word of
French?”

"It was simple," says Paddy. "For example, I met a girl in the park. So I took out
a pencil and a piece of paper and drew a picture of a taxi. She knew What I
meant, so we went for a drive. Then I drew a picture of a knife and fork and she
knew that I wanted to take her out to dinner.”

"That sounds great," says Seamus. "I'm not finished yet," says Paddy. "Then I
drew two people dancing and we went to a night-club. At the end of the
evening, she took the pencil from me and drew a big double bed.”

"Amazing!" cries Seamus. "She even knew that you were in the furniture
business!”

There is a job opening at the local zoo for two men to clean out the gorilla
cages. Paddy and Seamus go directly from the pub to apply. "Before I give you
lads the job," says Duckworth Bird, the head keeper, "I want to ask you a few
questions.”

"Okay," says Paddy, "I am ready!”

"The first question," says Duckworth. "What bird does not build its own nest?”

"That's easy," says Seamus. "It is a canary. He lives in a cage.”

"That's not it, you idiot," says Paddy, digging Seamus in the ribs with his elbow.
"It's a cuckoo!”
"Very good, Paddy," says Duckworth Bird. "How did you know?”

"Ah!" replies Paddy, "everybody knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock!”

Justice Dung is the presiding judge in a case where Paddy is called as a witness.
The judge is asking Paddy some questions. "Did you see the defense witness fall
over in the street?” asks Justice Dung.

"Who, me?" asks Paddy. "Yes, you," replies the judge.

"No, not me," says Paddy.
"Did you see the witness at all?" asks Justice Dung.
"Who, me?" asks Paddy.
“Yes, you!" replies the judge.
"No, not me," says Paddy.
"Then why are you here?" asks the judge.
"Who, me?" asks Paddy.
"Yes, you!" replies the judge.
"To see justice done," says Paddy.
"Who, ME?" asks Justice Dung.

Paddy decides that it is time to get a full-time job. A new salami factory has
opened in town, so he goes to apply. He picks up his application form, and he
meets Mussolini McVey, the manager.

"Now, Mr. Murphy,“ says Mussolini", "we have got many applications for these
jobs, so we have included two intelligence-testing questions. Come back
tomorrow with your application and the answers to the questions.”

At home, Paddy looks at the form.

Question 1 reads: How many seconds are there in a year?

Question 2 reads: How many days of the week begin with the letter “T"?

The next morning, Paddy goes for his interview at the appointed time.

"Good morning, Mr. Murphy," says Mussolini McVey. "And what is your
answer to the first question - How many seconds are there in a year?”

"No problem, sir," says Paddy. "The answer is twelve.”

"Twelve?" asks Mussolini". "How did you get that?”

"Easy," replies Paddy. "The second of January… the second of February…!”

"Okay, okay Mr. Murphy," says McVey. "What about question two: How many
days of the week begin with ’T'?"

"No problem, sir,” says Paddy. "The answer is two.”

"Very good," says McVey. "and what are they?”

"Easy," replies Paddy. "Today and tomorrow.”

Paddy is sitting in the pub one afternoon when he gets a phone call from his
friend, Sean. "Hello," says Sean, "is that you, Paddy?”

"Hello," replies Paddy, "is that you, Sean. What's up?”

"Ah!" says Sean. "My car has broken down and I'm stuck near Belfast and I
need a hundred dollars. Can you send it to me?”

"What is that?" cries Paddy. "It is so noisy in here I cannot hear a word you are
saying!”

"I said I need a hundred dollars," Sean shouts.

"You have got a bad line," screams Paddy, "I cannot hear you!”

Suddenly, the operator comes on the line. "Hello, this is the operator," she says.
"I can hear him perfectly!”

"Okay," says Paddy, "then YOU send him the hundred dollars!”

Paddy finds an old tandem, a two-man bicycle, on the scrap heap, and fixes it
up. Then he and Seamus decide to go out for a ride on it to the top of Heart
Attack Hill. After two hours of furious pedaling up the steep hill, they finally
arrive at the top.

“Jeezus Christ!" gasps Paddy, on the front. "I did not think we would ever make
it.”
"Me either," pants Seamus, at the back, "and we would have slid all the way
backwards if I had not kept the brakes on!”

Paddy and Seamus are in town one day and go for lunch at a smart restaurant.
They enjoy a typical Irish seven-course lunch - six beers and a piece of cheese -
and receive their bill. Paddy feels in his pockets for his wallet.

"AH! B’JESUS!" he says, "I have left my money behind. Seamus, can you lend
me some?” Seamus fumbles in his own pockets and then looks up. "Can you
imagine that, Paddy, I’ve left my money behind too!" he says. "What are we
going to do?” A few minutes later, Paddy and Seamus reach the cashier's table
arguing loudly. "Let me pay for this," says Paddy. "No!" demands Seamus, "I
want to pay!”

They argue for about five minutes in front of the embarrassed cashier, and then
Paddy turns to him and says, "Look here - you don't mind who pays for this, do
you?”

"No," replies the cashier, "it does not matter who pays for it.”

“Well, in that case," says Paddy, waving from the door, "YOU pay for it!”

Kevin McDuffy, a good Irish Catholic boy, goes to see the priest, Father Dingle.
“Father," says Kevin, "my wife Kathleen is going to have a baby!”

"Praise the Lord!" exclaims the priest. "Yes, Father!" says Kevin, "and it being
our first, Kathleen and I were wondering if you could be praying in the hospital
chapel while she is delivering it?”

"Say no more, my son. It shall be done," says Dingle. "And bring along your
parents and Kathleen's family to help with the praying.”

When Kathleen goes into labor, Kevin phones Father Dingle and both sets of
parents. And half an hour later, Kevin is pacing up and down outside the
delivery room when the nurse sticks her head out.

"It's a boy!" she cries, and Kevin runs downstairs to the chapel, where everyone
is praying. "A boy! A boy!" cries Kevin, and dashes back upstairs. As he arrives
back at the delivery room door, the nurse pops her head out, and cries, "Now it's
a girl!”
"Holy Jesus!" cries Kevin, and runs back down to the chapel. "Twins!" shouts
Kevin, "I am the father of twins! It's a girl!”

Father Dingle and the families start singing, “Hail Mary's" to the blessed Virgin.

Kevin races back upstairs, and as he reaches the delivery room he hears the
doctor say, "Another boy!” Kevin turns round and rushes back downstairs, flings
open the door of the chapel, and shouts, “Triplets!"

"Triplets?" cries Father Dingle. "Yes," screams Kevin, "triplets! And for God's
sake, STOP PRAYING!”

Mick and Stella McManus five on a small island off the west coast of Ireland.
They have fourteen kids, and life is hard. One day, Mick decides that he has had
enough. "Stella!" he shouts, "I'm leaving you!” So he jumps into his little rowing
boat and starts rowing towards the mainland, leaving Stella standing on the
beach. "But Mick, what about the house?" shouts Stella. “I'm sorry Stella,"
replies Mick, "but I'm leaving you!" And he keeps on rowing out to sea. "But
Mick!" pleads Stella. "What about the children?”

"It's no good Stella," replies Mick, "I am leaving you!" And he keeps on rowing.
"But Mick!" cries Stella, pulling up her dress and displaying her feminine
contraption. "What about this?”

"Ah! God!" mutters Mick, rowing back to the beach. "One of these days I am
REALLY going to leave you!”

Old Father Fungus is getting very deaf in his advanced years, so he asks his flock
to write down their sins on a piece of paper instead of speaking them to him.
Everything is going well with this method, until one day Father Fungus hears
someone crash his way into his confessional booth, belch loudly, and blow his
nose. The strong smell of whiskey pours from the other side of the box as
Father Fungus hears his old friend Paddy fumbling around in his pockets.
Finally, Paddy passes a small, crumpled scrap of paper through the curtain into
the priest's hand. The confession reads: Ten cans of beer. One six-pack of
Coca-Cola. Half a dozen eggs. Three rolls of toilet paper, two condoms and
one box of tampons. Old Father Fungus looks at the note for a minute, shrugs,
and silently passes it back to Paddy. Paddy stares at the paper in shock. “Oh
Jesus!" he cries. "I must have left my goddam sins at the supermarket!”
Paddy and Seamus are sitting in Paddy's yard drinking a few beers. "Hey," says
Seamus. "How was your boat trip to Spain?”

"Fantastic!" says Paddy. "Imagine, I'm away from Maureen for the first time in
fifteen years! Then, on the first night of my trip, I met this gorgeous girl, one of
the most beautiful women I have ever seen. We chit-chatted for a while, and it
was love at first sight. Soon, we were rolling in each other's arms, completely
naked. "But in the morning, as I held her in my arms, I found out she is the new
wife of my best friend, Fergus. It came as such a tremendous shock that we both
felt really guilty. And we both cried and cried and cried!”

"My God!" says Seamus. "That is really something! So how was the rest of your
trip?”

"Well, you know," says Paddy. "After that, it was just crying and fucking, crying
and fucking…!”

Paddy is in a dark mood, so he goes to see the famous channeler, Madam

Hippo. "Ah," says the woman, staring into her crystal ball, "the signs are not
good.”

"Really?" says Paddy, wide-eyed. "What does it say?”

"Well," she intones, "it says that you will be a widower in one week!” Paddy
wipes the sweat from his face and leans back. "I know that!" he says. "What I
want to know is - will I get caught?”

Fergus and Funky are lost in the baking deserts of the burning Sahara. They
have been crawling on their hands and knees for days, in search of water.
Almost at the end of their rope, they suddenly spot a man in the distance with a
small stand, selling something. Fergus and Funky struggle and crawl their way
up to the man, and with their tongues hanging out they shout, "Water! Please
give us water!”

"Sorry, fellas," says the man, “I'd love to, but I don't have any water. I'm selling
neckties. Got some beauties if you'd like a sharp-looking tie!”

"Neckties?" screams Funky, and he faints. "No," says Fergus, "we don't want any
goddam ties - we need water!” And the two thirsty men drag themselves on.
Three hours later, off in the distance, a large building appears on the horizon.
Inspired, the worn-out duo drag themselves up to it. It is the very exclusive
Screwing Sands Hotel. Fergus crawls up to the doorman, who is standing stiffly
in his three-piece uniform. "Water!" cries Fergus, with his parched lips
quivering. "We need to come in and get water!”

"I am sorry, sir," replies the doorman. "But I am afraid you cannot enter
without a tie!”

Paddy and Sean are out duck hunting. They creep down to the edge of Farmer
Banana’s pond and find lots of ducks swimming around near Banana's cows.

"Hey," says Paddy. "Those ducks are not afraid of that cow.”

"I can see that," replies Sean, "but if you shoot at the ducks you might hit the
cow.”

"Yes, man," says Paddy. "But think - what if WE were in the skin of the cow?”
The next day they go to the theatrical outfitters and hire a cow costume. Paddy
is in the front end and Sean in the rear.

As they approach the pool, the ducks do not move at all. Suddenly, there is
panic in the front end of the cow, as Paddy tries to start running. "Stop that,
Paddy," hisses Sean. "You will frighten the ducks.”

"Okay," says Paddy, "but you had better brace yourself. There is a bull right
behind you!”

Paddy is in town for a big party at the Wonky Donkey Pub. By five in the
morning, Paddy has had enough. He leaves the party and makes his way back to
his hotel. Staggering around, he climbs up three flights of stairs before he
remembers that there is an elevator. Pulling open the elevator door, Paddy steps
into the open elevator shaft and falls straight to the basement. Shakily, he stands
up, brushes himself off and adjusts his cap. "Dammit!" Paddy shouts, “I said
UP!”

Paddy has a late night at the pub, and when it closes, he staggers outside in a
drunken stupor. He wanders around the streets trying to remember which way
to go home, and finally gives up. Paddy sits down on the street and looks all
around him until a taxi pulls up beside him. "Ah!" groans Paddy, clambering
into the back and lying down on the seat. "Can you take me to number five,
Fergus Street?” The cabdriver looks around at Paddy and replies, "Hey, mister,
this IS number five, Fergus Street!”

"Ah!" groans Paddy. "Alright! But next time, don't drive so fast!”

Paddy picks up a girl in the pub and then takes her for a drive in his old Ford
car. He stops on a deserted section of country road, turns to the girl and begins
to make some rather predictable advances. “Just a minute," the girl declares,
pushing him away. "I'm really a prostitute, and I have to charge you fifty
dollars.” Paddy reluctantly pays her and they make love. Later Paddy sits silently
at the wheel. "What is the matter?" asks the girl. "Are we not leaving?”

"Not quite yet," says Paddy, "I am really a taxi driver, and the fare back is fifty
dollars.”

Paddy is out for a spin on his old motorbike, when he stops to give a ride to a
hitchhiker. Since it is a cold day, he advises the man to put his coat on back-to-
front to avoid feeling the wind. After a bumpy ride, Paddy looks over his
shoulder and sees that his passenger is missing. So he turns around and rides
back. He finds a small crowd of people around a figure lying in the road. "Is he
all right?" asks Paddy, anxiously. "Well," says one of the crowd, "he WAS until
we turned his head around the right way.”

Paddy is training Dennis, his donkey, for the Irish Donkey Derby. There is no
doubt that Dennis is the fastest donkey in the whole of Ireland. But every time
he races, Dennis slows down to wink at all the lady donkeys. Paddy decides that
there is only one solution to this problem and he takes Dennis to the vet to be
doctored. A couple of weeks later, Dennis is waiting at the starting gate for the
big race. He gazes straight ahead, ignoring all the other donkeys. His head is
bent low, his eyes intense. Dennis has only the track on his mind. The gun goes
off and Dennis leaps away from the starting gate, but after a few paces, he stops,
turns around and trots dejectedly back. "For crying out loud!" screams Paddy,
"what’s wrong?”

"What’s wrong?" snorts Dennis, "How do you think I felt when I jumped out
from the start and some wise guy announced over the loudspeaker: ‘They're
off ’!”
Paddy is handling some dynamite in a quarry when he lets one stick drop.
Suddenly the whole box explodes, shooting up in the air and taking Paddy with
it. After a while, the boss comes round and asks Seamus, "Where is Paddy?”

"He is gone," answers Seamus. "When will he be back?" asks the boss. "Well,"
says Seamus, "according to Albert Einstein's theory of relativity… if he comes
back as fast as he went, he will be here yesterday.”

Paddy comes home with two black eyes. "What happened to you?" asks
Maureen. "Well," says Paddy, "I was getting on the bus this morning and there
was a big fat woman in front of me. She had her dress caught up in her crotch,
so I pulled it out, and she punched me.”

"That accounts for one black eye," says Maureen, "what about the other one?”

"Well," says Paddy, "I could see she did not like that, so I shoved it back in.”

Paddy comes limping into the police station, covered in bruises, his clothes tom
and dirty. "My mother-in-law just knocked me down with her car," Paddy
announces. "Are you really sure it was your mother-m-law?" asks the police
officer. "Did you see her face?”

“No, I didn't see her face," admits Paddy, "but I would recognize that laugh
anywhere.”

One night, Paddy and Sean are stumbling along some railway tracks when Sean
turns to Paddy and says, "I hate this staircase.The steps are too far apart.”

"I don't mind that," says Paddy, "the thing that is killing me is the low hand-
rails.”

Paddy has been getting very fat from drinking so much beer. One day his wife,
Maureen, complains about it. "Why don't you go to the new health clinic?" she
asks. "I hear you can lose as much weight as you want there.” So Paddy goes to
the clinic and pays ten dollars for a ten-pound weight reduction course. He is
shown into a small room and there is a pretty redhead. "If you can catch me,”
she tells Paddy, "you can screw me.” Half an hour later Paddy comes out ten
pounds lighter and with a happy grin on his face. Maureen is so pleased with
her new, more streamlined husband, that she sends Paddy back the next day for
the fifty dollar, fifty-pound weight reduction course. When he has paid the
money, Paddy is shown into a room and the door slams shut and locks behind
him. Paddy looks round expectantly then he notices a huge gorilla standing in
the comer. Paddy feels a bit confused, but then as the gorilla starts to walk
towards him, he notices a sign around the creature's neck, it reads: “If I catch
you, I will screw you!”

Paddy applies for a new job and has to fill out a long employment application
form. When he comes to the question, "What did you like least about your last
job?" he writes: "Everything was in chaos, there was no sense of direction at
all.” Further down the form, half an hour later, he comes to the question,
"What did you like best about your last job?” Paddy writes down: "I was in
charge.”

During the second world war, Paddy, Sean and Seamus are fighting against the
Nazis in France. Unfortunately they are captured and sent to a concentration
camp. On Adolf Hitler's birthday, the camp commander is in a good mood, so
he calls the three Irishmen to his office. "Okay, you dumbkopfs," he shouts, "as it
is Adolf Hitler's birthday, I am going to give you your freedom if you can tell
me the sex of the bird on my helmet.” Sean goes first and says, “Female."
Seamus agrees that it is female, but Paddy insists, "Definitely male.”

"Good," says the commander to Paddy, "you are right. But how did you know?”

"It had to be male," replies Paddy, heading for the door, "with a prick like you
under it!”

Paddy has had a few drinks at lunchtime and is going home on the bus, when a
woman gets on with her baby. Paddy can't believe his eyes and just keeps staring
at them.

Finally he can't resist any longer, so he leans over and says, "Lady, that is about
the ugliest baby I have ever seen!”

The woman freaks out and starts sobbing uncontrollably.

The conductor stops the bus and comes to see what the problem is, but the
woman is too upset to speak.
"Okay, Madam," says the conductor, "I will go to that cafe across the street and
bring you a nice cup of tea; that should calm you down. And while I am there, I
will get a banana for your monkey.”

Two Irish girls are commiserating with each other about their unmarried state.
"At least I was two-thirds married once," says Maureen. "What do you mean,
two-thirds married?" asks Eileen. "Well," replies Maureen, "I was there, the
priest was there, but that bloody Paddy never showed up.”

Paddy is very, very ill indeed, so Maureen sends for Doctor Gasbag. After a
brief examination the doctor announces that Paddy is dead. "I am not," says
Paddy from his bed. "Be quiet," says Maureen. "Do you think you know better
than the doctor?”

Paddy is on his deathbed, groaning, when his wife Maureen walks into the room
and asks if he has any last requests. "Yes dear," says Paddy, "there is one thing I
really would like before I go off to that great shamrock patch in the sky." And
then he whispers, "A piece of that wonderful chocolate cake of yours.”

"Ah, Patrick," says Maureen, "have a potato instead. I am saving the cake for
your wake."

 16. ENGLISH

BELOVED OSHO,

LATELY I HAVE SLIPPED RIGHT BACK INTO MY ENGLISH SKIN,

AND IAM SO TIRED OF IT: SAD, SERIOUS, DEPRESSED,
REPRESSED, APOLOGETIC, HESITANT, WITHOUT HUMOR OR
PLAYFULNESS, CONSCIENTIOUS, AND BORING. IT IS REALLY
PATHETIC. WHEN MY ENERGY TAKES OFF I AM A TOTALLY
DIFFERENT PERSON, SO I KNOW THIS ISN’T THE REAL ME. BUT
SOMETHING WILL TRIGGER, AND I AM BACK IN THE OLD SKIN
AGAIN. PLEASE HELP ME CAST IT OFF.

Deva Vachana, you are in one of the most difficult skins. But I will take you out.
And you also have become aware of slipping out of it; but just out of the old
habit you again get into it. So now it is not as difficult as it usually is.

You are describing very rightly the English conditioning. It is one of the most
serious and sad conditionings in the world. You want to get out of it because
you can feel that the sadness is unnecessary, the seriousness is unnecessary. Life
is not serious, life is very playful. And those who understand life a little bit
immediately jump out of their conditionings and join with the celebration of
the eternal, ongoing dance of existence.
You say, “Sad, serious, depressed, repressed, apologetic, hesitant, without humor
or playfulness, conscientious, and boring.” All great qualities! These are the
qualities that used to make people saints. Think twice before dropping this skin.
You can become a great English saint! But if you want to drop it, you will be
just a healthy human being. And to me a healthy human being who is sane,
loving, full of a sense of humor, joyous, full of laughter, is far more valuable
than any saint with all the qualities you have described.

Here it is possible. Laughter is in the air here. In fact, I cannot conceive how
one can be sad and serious in this temple, which is a temple of a dancing god, a
laughing god; which is a temple rebelling against all temples of the past which
were all serious, sad. This is a temple of love….

Before I tell the jokes, I have to tell you that if you tell a joke to an Englishman,
he laughs twice. Once, not to look stupid; and again in the middle of the
night… when he gets it.

The sun never sets on the British Empire… because God would not trust an
Englishman in the dark.

On the Buckingham Palace lawn one afternoon, Prince Edward — the rather
dim son of Queen Elizabeth - is sitting reading PLAYBOY magazine. He looks
up at his brother, Prince Andrew, and asks, "Hey, Andy, you've got brains: tell
me, what is a FOX PASS?”

Andrew thinks for a moment, and then says, "Oh, you mean, FAUX PAS!
That's a French expression which means a social blunder.”

Edward looks at Andrew blankly. "What do you mean, ‘a social blunder’?" asks
the dim prince. "Give me an example.”

"Well," explains Prince Andrew, "remember last Sunday when the Archbishop
of Canterbury came to lunch, and mother took him for a walk in the rose
garden?”

"Yes,I remember," says Edward. "What about it?”

“Just listen," continues Andrew. "Remember the archbishop pricked his thumb
on a thorn? It was bleeding a lot, so mother brought him into the palace. They
went into the bathroom together, and stayed there for a long time. And when
they came out, we all went for lunch. Do you remember all that, Edward?”

"Sure,I remember," replies Edward.

"Now," continues Andrew "do you remember, as I was just passing the pudding
to you, mother said, ‘Archbishop, is your prick still throbbing?’ And then the
archbishop replied, ‘No,Your Majesty, the swelling has gone down since you
massaged it in the bathroom.’

"And then the pudding flew out of my hands and spattered all over everybody,
and you shouted out, ‘Shit!’ Do you remember all that?”

"Yes, I remember!" cries Edward, excitedly.

"Well," says Prince Andrew, "when you shouted ‘shit’ - that was a FAUX PAS!”

Harry Manners, a very proper British gentleman, is in the habit of taking his
wife, Mabel, on holiday to France every year. This year they are staying, as
usual, in their little seaside cottage, when Mabel becomes suddenly ill and dies.

Harry is very upset but manages to keep the British "stiff upper lip" and decides
to have Mabel's funeral there, in the French village. Monsieur Felix, the mayor,
lends Harry a black suit for the funeral, but being British, Harry feels it would
not be proper to go without a black hat. He feels that his wife, Mabel, would
expect it of him.

So Harry goes into town to the local men's shop and tries in his best French to
ask the salesman for a black hat. "Have you a CAPOT NOIR?" asks Harry.

The salesman thinks Harry is mad, because in French, CAPOT means condom.
So he points to the pharmacy across the road, and sends Harry there.

"Have you a CAPOT NOIR?" asks Harry, wondering why the French keep
black hats in a pharmacy.

"Monsieur," replies Madame Fifi, from behind the counter, "we have pink ones,
blue ones, green ones and ones with feathers - but no black ones.”

"That is too bad," thinks Harry to himself, wondering how he is going to get a
black hat.
"But, monsieur," asks Madame Fifi, "may I ask you why you want a BLACK
one?”
"Oui! Oui!" replies Harry, hopefully. "It is for my wife; you see, she is dead!”

"Ah!" gasps Madame Fifi, with admiration, "you British - so CULTURED!”

Old Herbie the tramp knocks at the door of an inn named George and the
Dragon. A big woman opens the door and says, "What do you want?”

"Could you spare a poor man a bite to eat?" asks Herbie.

"No!" screams the woman, slamming the door.

A few minutes later, Herbie knocks again. “Please, miss," asks the tramp, "could
I have a little something to eat?”

"Get out, you good-for-nothing!" shouts the woman, "and don't you ever come
back!”

After a few minutes, Herbie knocks on the door again. The woman answers it.
“Pardon me," says Herbie, "but could I have a few words with George this
time?”

You will get it in the night, exactly in the middle of the night!

Baron Fuzz-butt, a nobleman at the court of King Arthur of Merrie England,

has a reputation for being very gallant towards women. "There is no such
thing," he announces one day, “as an ugly woman.”

He is overheard saying this by a woman who has a nose that is really squashed
flat on her face, and she confronts Fuzz-butt. "Confess the truth!" she cries.
"You are now face to face with an ugly woman!”

"Not at all, madam," replies Baron Fuzz-butt gallantly. "You are like all women,
an angel fallen from heaven. You were just unlucky that you fell on your nose!”

Princess Diana and Princess Fergie are the wives of Prince Charles and Prince
Andrew of England. Soon after Fergie has arrived to live in the palace, Diana
offers to take her on a bicycle tour of the London sights. Fergie is delighted and
they set off, pedaling through the palace gates.

Diana knows all the shortcuts through the London traffic, and soon the two
princesses are bouncing along on their bicycles over the cobblestones in the
small back streets.

"Wow! Di!" cries Fergie, giggling and squealing, her ample body vibrating like
jelly, “I have never come this way before!”

"Really?" says Di, "I guess it must be the cobblestones!”

Prince Charles and Princess Diana of England are invited to be the guests of
honor at the All-England Agricultural Show. After they preside over the opening
ceremony, the royal couple dutifully walk around to mix with the farmers and
look at the exhibits.

Soon Charles gets bored and heads for the beer tent, and Diana walks over to
admire the prize bull - and never did a male animal have such splendid
equipment! The princess is shocked and amazed at the size of the beast's
machinery, and calls over the bull's attendant, Farmer Cowtit, for a talk.

"That is a fine animal you have there," says Diana.

"Yes, your highness," replies Cowtit. "He is a champion, and the father of
champions.”

"Really?" says the princess, getting excited. "Tell me about him.”

"Well, my lady," continues the farmer, "this bull went to stud three hundred
times last year!”

"Really?" exclaims Diana. "That's amazing! I must tell my husband about this.”

And she runs off to get Charles. She finds him in the beer tent, boozing with a
bunch of farmers. "Come with me, Charles!" snaps Diana. "1 am going to show
you an animal that will make you feel ashamed of yourself !" And she drags him
over to the bull.

"Now, my good man," says Diana to Farmer Cowtit, pointing to the bull's balls.
"Tell my husband what you told me about this bull.”
"Well," replies the farmer, "as I was explaining to the princess here, this
magnificent bull went to stud three hundred times last year.”
"And THAT, Charles," interrupts Diana, "is almost EVERY day!”

"Very interesting," slurs Charles. "But I bet HE doesn't have to screw the same
old cow every time!”

Polly Pringle, the daughter of a very rich English family, is about to become
twenty-one years old. The day before her birthday, she is walking past the
kitchen, when she hears the cook say, “Oh, fuck it!" Polly does not know what
this means, so she decides to ask daddy.

"Daddy," says Polly, "I was just passing the kitchen when I heard the cook say,
‘Fuck it.’

What does it mean?”

Daddy chokes on his cigar, hums and ha's for a minute, and then says, "It is an
old English expression, darling. It means ‘carving the turkey.’”

The next day, at Polly's twenty-first birthday party, following the family
tradition, she gets up to make a speech. To finish up, hoping to impress
everybody with her command of the language, Polly says, "And now, father will
fuck the turkey!”

There is a deathly silence, until old Uncle Henry at the end of the table giggles
and says, "By George, what a jolly good party. I think I will poke the pudding
with my prick!”

Prince Edward, the Queen of England's youngest son, meets one of Khadafi's
daughters at a party and they fall in love. Edward tells his mother that they want
to be married, which puts the Queen into a dilemma.

On one hand she is pleased, because it will dispel all the rumors about Prince
Edward’s homosexuality, but on the other hand, to have any allegiance with
Libya will annoy Ronald Reagan considerably.
Her motherly instincts get the better of her and she consents to the marriage.
But, still not trusting the girl’s motives, the Queen instructs James Bond to spy
on the young couple. The next morning Bond reports back to the Queen.

"What happened, Double-O-Seven?" she asks.

"Well," says Bond, "first she said to him, ‘I offer you my honor,’ then he said to
her, ‘I honor your offer.’”

"So what happened next?" asks the Queen excitedly.

"Well," says Bond, "after that it was ON her, OFF her, OFF her, ON her, all
night long!”

An Englishman is marooned on a desert island where he is looked after by a

beautiful native girl. On the first night she gives him the most exotic drinks. On
the second night she feeds him the most delicious food imaginable.

On the third night she says to him, "Would you like to play games with me
now?”

"Don‘t tell me," replies the excited Englishman, "that you have got a football
here as well!”

The English battleship is sinking fast and the captain calls the last three
members of his crew to the bridge.

"Men," says the captain, "this thing about the captain going down with his ship
is all rubbish. There is a three-man life raft here and I am going to be on it. So
that means one of you will have to stay behind. To see who will come with me, I
will ask you each a question. Whoever cannot answer will remain behind, okay?

"Here is the first question: What unsinkable ship hit an iceberg and sank?”

"The Titanic, Sir," answers the first man.

"Right," says the captain. "How many people drowned?”

"One thousand five hundred and two, Sir," replies the second sailor.
"Right," says the captain calmly. He turns to the third man. "And now the third
question," he says, "what were their names?”

An English woman and her young son are traveling in a taxi in New York. As
the taxi drives down 42nd Street, the boy is fascinated by the heavily made-up
ladies walking along the street, accosting male passers-by.
"What are those ladies doing?" asks the boy.

His mother blushes and says, "I expect they are lost and are asking people for
directions.” The taxi driver overhears this and says in a loud voice, "Why don't
you tell him the truth? In other words they are prostitutes.”

The English woman is furious, but her son asks, "What are prostitutes? Are they
like other women? Do they have children?”

"Of course," replies his mother, "that's where New York taxi drivers come
from!”

A Texan in England enters a crowded railway carriage. He finds that the only
spare seat is occupied by a mean looking dog owned by a fat red-faced woman.
He asks politely if the dog can sit on the floor instead of the seat.

"You leave my dog alone!" snaps the woman.

The Texan searches the whole train without finding a seat, so he comes back
and throws the dog out of the window.

The woman freaks out. "Are you all going to sit here," she screams at everyone,
“and allow an American to treat an English lady like this?”

One man in a bowler hat lowers his TIMES newspaper. "The Americans are all
crazy, Madam," he explains. "They hold their fork in the wrong hand, they
drive on the wrong side of the road, and now this idiot has gone and thrown the
wrong bitch out of the Window!”

A very tight-haloed English vicar is preaching his sermon in a very snobbish

English church when he keeps being interrupted by a black American in the
congregation.

"The lord says…” begins the vicar.

"Far out man!" comes a cry from the back.
"The rich shall perish…”
"Hey man, right on!" the black dude calls.
"And the mighty shall…”
"Hallelujah!" comes the response from the back.

The vicar manages to get to the end of his sermon, but at the end goes up to the
American and says, "Excuse me, I'm afraid in this country we like to keep a bit
of decorum. We try to keep a stiff upper lip. It is the queen's own country, this is
a place of God, and I frankly found your behavior rather disconcerting.”

"Hey man, I'm sorry,” cries the black guy, “you are right on. I just loved the
quaint way you gave us all that great shit about Moses and the Ten
Commandments and I thought I would throw a few thousand greenbacks in
your direction for this great thing going on here”.

"Cool shit, man!" says the preacher.

An English couple want to have twins but also want them to be very polite and
gentlemanly. So they go to see the genetic specialist who reprograms two of the
husband’s sperms and implants them into the egg in the mother's womb. Very
satisfied the English couple go home.

After nine months, the woman is ready to give birth but nothing happens. After
ten months there is still nothing. Then after a year she is still pregnant. This
goes on year after year.

After fifty years her husband dies, and still she had not given birth. After seventy
years the old lady feels that she might die soon, and so she goes to the hospital
and asks them to remove the babies surgically.

The woman is put on the operating table and the surgeon opens up her
stomach. To the great surprise of all present, inside her stomach are two old
English gentlemen, saying one to the other, "After you, I insist.”

"No, no. After you, I insist.”

Elizabeth and Philip have been married for a considerable time, and it becomes
particularly apparent to Philip that Elizabeth has lost all enthusiasm for their
lovemaking.
On a recent occasion, Philip is making love to his wife when he suddenly says,
"Is something the matter? Am I hurting you?”

"No, I'm all right," answers Elizabeth. "Why do you ask?”

"Oh," said Philip, "for a moment there, I thought you moved.”

The English couple have not made love for years. The wife is very suspicious.
“What is the matter?” she wonders. “Is he having an affair with somebody?”

The lady is surprised to see the maid very happy one day, wearing a beautiful
new dress and preparing her bedroom as if she was expecting someone to come
in the night.

So that evening she sends the maid to her mother's for the night and then climbs
into the maid's bed herself and switches off the light. Soon a shadowy figure
climbs in through the window, slips into bed and makes passionate love to the
lady.

When he has finished she feels satisfied like never before, but still wanting
revenge she snaps on the bedside light.

"I bet you are surprised to see me," she says triumphantly.

"I sure am," says the chauffeur.

London fog is swirling over the river Thames as the homeless young man settles
himself for a night on the embankment. Suddenly he is awakened by the sound
of a beautiful woman alighting from her Rolls Royce.

"You poor man," she says, "you must be terribly cold and wet. Let me drive you
to my home and put you up for the night.”

Of course the homeless guy climbs into the car beside her. After a short drive
they come to her mansion. The door is opened by the butler whom she instructs
to give the young man a meal, a hot bath and a comfortable bed in the servant's
quarters.
Some while later the woman slips on her negligee and hurries along to the
servants wing. Knocking on the door she enters the room and seeing that the
light is on, asks the young man why he is not sleeping.

"Surely you are not hungry?" she asks innocently.

"No, your butler fed me royally," he answers.

"Then perhaps your bed is not comfortable?" she continues.

"But it is," he says, "it is soft and warm.”

"Then you must need company," she says. "Move over a little.”

The young man is overjoyed. He rolls over and falls into the river Thames.

Mrs. Applebottom becomes angry with the French maid and after a series of
bitchy remarks about her abilities, she fires her. But the French girl is furious.

"Your husband, madam," she cries, "considers me a better cook and

housekeeper than you! He told me so himself.”

Mrs. Applebottom looks at the girl scornfully and makes no comment.

"Also," says the angry girl, "I am better than you in bed!”

"And I suppose," snaps Mrs. Applebottom, "my husband told you that too!”

"No madam," says the maid, "the chauffeur told me that.”

Lord Dottingham returns home from fox hunting a little earlier than usual and
finds Lady Dottingham in bed with his best friend, Sir Arthur Carpley. His
lordship stands stiffly in the bedroom doorway and loudly berates his wife for
her unfaithfulness.

“You ungrateful creature,” he cries.“May I remind you that I rescued you from
a miserable existence in the London slums, and have given you a fine home with
servants, expensive clothes, jewels… everything a woman could want!”

As Lady Dottingham is by this time in tears, his lordship turns his attention to
his friend.
"And as for you, Carpley," he shouts, "you might at least stop while I am
talking!”

A very proper Englishman goes into a bar one night, sits down, but does not
order a drink.
The bartender, an unusually friendly guy, asks him if he would like a drink on
the house.

The Englishman shakes his head. "I tried liquor once," he says. "Did not like it.”

Still trying to be friendly, the bartender asks him if he would like to join a
couple of, the boys for a few hands of poker.

The Englishman shakes his head. "Tried gambling once," he says. "Did not like
it. In fact, I would not be sitting in this place at all, but I promised my son I
would meet him here.”

"I see," says the bartender. "Your only child, I assume.”

A young English gentleman returns from a stay at a stately home.

"How was your weekend?" asks a friend.

"Well," he replies, “if the soup had been as warm as the wine, and the wine had
been as old as the chicken, and the chicken had been as tender as the maid, and
the maid had been as willing as the duchess, it would have been a perfect
weekend.”

In the days when Disraeli and Gladstone were political enemies, the British
houses of Parliament rang with their heated debates. Once Gladstone shouted
at the prime minister, "Sir, you will come to your end either upon the gallows or
of a venereal disease.”

Disraeli adjusted his monocle and replied with unruffled calm, "I should say,
Mr. Gladstone, that depends on whether I embrace your principles or your
mistress.”
Prince Edward, the queen's youngest son, takes a horse ride every morning in
Hyde Park. And every day he sees the same beautiful girl sitting on a park
bench. He soon falls madly in love with her, but is too shy to introduce himself.
Not knowing what to do, he consults his elder brother Charles who is more
experienced in such matters.

"Simple," says Charles. “Just paint your horse green.”

"Green?" exclaims Edward.

"Yes, green," says Charles. "And next time you see her, she will say, ‘Your horse
is green?’ and you can say, ‘That's right, and my name is Prince Edward.’ And
then you can take her for a drink and then you can invite her for a weekend in
Scotland, and if you play your cards right, you may end up with a romp in the
heather.”

"Great!" says Edward. And the next morning he arrives in the park with a green
horse.

The girl looks up, sees him and cries, "My God, your horse is green!”

"Yes," says Edward, and then he stammers, "well, er, well, well… I wanna fuck
you!”

Lord and Lady Bating, the English aristocrats, hire a new butler called James.
He has not had much experience. So on the first day, he goes up to their room
and says, “Frederick and Cynthia, dinner is served.”

Lord Bating comes out and says sternly, “No, James. You must not call us by
our first names. You must call us Lord and Lady Bating.”

James is embarrassed. "Please forgive me," he says, "Lord and Lady Bating,
dinner is served.”

James then goes along to their daughter's room and says, "Caroline, dinner is
served.”

She comes to the door and says angrily, "I am to be called Mistress Bating and
don't forget it.”

James excuses himself and then goes to the son's room. Before speaking, he
thinks for a moment and then calls out, "Are you in there Master Bating?”
"Okay, okay," calls the son nervously. "You caught me, but please don’t tell my
parents.”

An interviewer for a ladies' magazine is questioning a famous British general

about his sex life. "Excuse me, sir," she begins, "but can you recall the last time
you had relations with your wife?” His upper lip stiffens for a moment and then
he says, "Yes, of course I can, it was nineteen forty-five.”

After a moment's Silence the woman says, "That was a long time ago.”

The general glances at his watch and says, "Not so long really. It is only twenty-
one forty-nine.”

Two old English gentlemen are sitting in Boodles, their London club, when one
says, “Ah yes, my late wife was a most remarkable person, a very religious
woman. She never missed a day in church and at home it was prayers and hymn
singing from morning to night.”

"Remarkable," says his friend, "how did she come to die?”

The first man puffs on his cigar and says, "I strangled her.”

The Queen of England is visiting The Royal Military Hospital, and insists on
making a round of the wards. She comes into a room with three beds and asks
the first soldier, “What is wrong with you?”

Embarrassed, the soldier replies, "Syphilis,Your Majesty.”

Trying to appear natural, the Queen asks, "And what treatment do you get for
it?”

"Wire brush and Dettol," the soldier replies.

"Is there anything you would like to make your stay more comfortable?" the
Queen asks.

"No, Ma'am, I'm a soldier in the Queen's Own Regiment, and that's enough for
me.”
Deeply touched, the Queen moves on to the next bed, where the soldier is lying
on his stomach. "What is wrong with you, soldier?" she asks.

"Pil‘es,Your Majesty," grunts the soldier.

"What is your treatment here?”

"Wire brush and Dettol, Ma’am."

Wincing, the Queen asks if there is anything she can do to make him more
comfortable. He answers that he is simply grateful to be a soldier in the Queen's
Own Regiment, and that is more than enough.

The third soldier tells her hoarsely that his problem is a sore throat.

"What is the treatment for that?" she asks.

"Wire brush and Dettol, Ma’am," comes the reply.

"Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?" asks the Queen.

"Yes, Ma’am,” croaks the soldier. “Next time I would like MY treatment
FIRST.”

Danny Grace is obsessed by golf - it has become his only topic of conversation.
Martha, his wife, is slowly going bananas with the constant discussion of birdies,
drivers and sand traps, of his golf clubs, his caddies and his scores.

Finally at dinner she snaps, "I am tired of you talking about golf twenty-four
hours a day! I don't want to hear about it at this meal!”

"But what shall I talk about then?" asks Danny.

"About anything," cries Martha. "Talk about sex for goodness sake!”

"Okay," says Danny, "I wonder who my caddy is screwing these days?”

On an extended business trip overseas, the Englishman is asked whether he

misses his wife. "I don't miss her all that much," he replies. "One day a week I
hire a local woman to come in and nag.”
An old English gentleman is on trial before the high court of Australia, for the
crime of making sexual advances to an ostrich. "Before passing sentence,"
announces the judge, "do you have anything to say?”

"Your honor," says the Englishman, "if I had known you were going to make
such a fuss about it, I would have married the bloody bird!"

17. SCOTS
Before we enter into our daily meditation, into our Zen…. I am using laughter as a preface, a
foreword to the coming silence. As laughter recedes into silence… the greater the laughter, the
more total the laughter, the greater the silence that will follow behind it.

Nobody in the past has ever used laughter as a device. But I find that only in laughter are you
once in a while total. In laughter only, once in a while you forget yourself, just the laughter
remains and you are not.

Old Miss Crumbum, the Jehovah's witness, is going round from door to door
collecting money to send missionaries abroad. She knocks on the door of
Hamish MacTavish, the Scotsman, and when Hamish opens the door she starts
her speech.

"Praise the Lord, good sir!" intones Miss Crumbum. "We are planning to send
twenty Witnesses of Jehovah to the African countries. Please give generously for
our missionary service overseas!”

"Absolutely not!" replies Hamish. "I totally disapprove of those foreign

missions.”

"But, good sir," cries Miss Crumbum, "the scriptures command us to feed the
hungry!”

"Well, that's fine," says Hamish, "but surely we can feed them on something
cheaper than missionaries?”

Young Duncan Macpherson tiptoes into the room where Hamish MacTavish is
sitting by the fire, reading his newspaper.

"Mister MacTavish," says young Duncan, nervously. "I have come to ask for
your kind permission. I would like to ask you if I can marry your daughter,
Tillie.”

"Well, well, lad," says Hamish, looking up.

"Before I say a word about the matter, have you seen my wife, Mrs.
MacTavish?”

“Yes, sir," replies Duncan. "But I still prefer your daughter!”

Hamish MacTavish and Sandy MacPherson go mountaineering in the Swiss
Alps. Suddenly, Hamish loses his footing, slips and falls off a cliff into a deep
crevasse. Sandy MacPherson pokes his head over the cliff and just sees the
fingertips of his Scottish friend clinging to a rock. "Are you all right, Hamish?"
shouts Sandy. "Not exactly," gasps Hamish. "But if you run down to the village
ten miles back, and get some rope, I will try to hang on until you get back. But
HURRY for God’s sake!” Sandy MacPherson goes running off down the
mountainside. An hour later, his face suddenly reappears over the edge of the
precipice. "Are you still there, Hamish?" he shouts. “Jeezus Christ! Just barely!"
shouts back Hamish, hanging on by one hand. "Have you got the rope?”

"Ah!" replies MacPherson, "No! Those tight Swiss bastards wanted TWO
francs for it!”

Mrs. Maggie MacTavish runs into her old friend, Dora MacPherson, after a
long time.

"Ah! Dora, I have not seen you for years. What's new?" asks Maggie.
"Well," says Dora, "I got married since I last saw you, Maggie.
"Married are you? Really?" asks Maggie. "That's fine!”
"Ah! Not so fine," says Dora. "He was a son-of-a-bitch!”
"Married to a son-of-a-bitch?” asks Maggie. "That's bad!”
"Ah! Not so bad," replies Dora. "He had pots of money!”
"Money? A husband with money?" asks Maggie. "That's fine!”
"Ah! Not so fine," replies Dora. "He was tight with it!”
"A husband with money and tight with it?" asks Maggie. "That's bad!”
"Ah! Not so bad," replies Dora. "He built us a house!”
"A house? With his money?" asks Maggie. "That's fine!”
"Ah! Not so fine," explain's Dora. "The house burned down!”
"Burned down?" asks Maggie. "That is bad for sure!”
"Ah! Not so bad," replies Dora. "He was in it!”

Father Fumble is thumbing through the church records one day, when he
notices that one of his flock, Hamish MacTavish, does not seem to have given
any money to the church charities. The young priest decides to pay a call on
Hamish, who is rumored to be very rich, and see if he can squeeze any money
out of him.

"The records show," says Father Fumble, “that you have never donated any
money to our charities.”
"That‘s right," says Hamish. "And do your records also show that I have a
crippled uncle who is completely unable to take care of himself ? Furthermore,"
continues Hamish, “do they show that my sister was left a widow with ten
children to take care of and no insurance or other means of support?”

"Well, no," says Father Fumble, a little embarrassed. "Our records do not show
that.”

"So," replies Hamish, "why should I give anything to YOU, when I don't give
anything to THEM?”

Hamish MacTavish goes out fishing in his old row boat. He sits, gently rocking
on the waves all day, but doesn't catch a thing. He is just about to pack up and
row back to the shore, when he feels a little nibble on his line. He hauls in the
line, but all he has caught is a tiny little silver cod - not even enough for a
mouthful. Not wanting to go home empty-handed, Hamish is about to throw
the fish into his bag, when it opens its tiny mouth and says, "Stop! I am Dagon,
the God of the Cod. And if you save my life, I will grant you three wishes.”

Hamish is amazed and can't believe his luck. He is about to give his first wish
when Dagon says, "Stop! Remember, I am a very compassionate god, and
whatever you wish for, your worst enemy will get double.”

"Okay," says Hamish. "My first wish is for one million dollars.”

"Granted," replies the God of the cod. "But Paddy Murphy gets two million.”

"Okay," says Hamish. "My second Wish is for a hundred beautiful women to
look after me.

"Granted," says Dagon. "But Paddy gets two hundred.”

"Okay," says Hamish. "And for my third wish, I would like you to painlessly
remove one of my balls!”

A Scotsman named Angus needs a new kilt. When he goes to the store to pick
out some material, he decides to purchase two extra yards of fabric to make a
matching scarf for his girlfriend. He then goes home and makes such a beautiful
kilt that when he tries it on and looks in the mirror, he forgets all about the scarf
and thinks, "I shall go right now and show this to my lady.” As he runs out of
the door, a thread of the new kilt catches on the doorway, unraveling the
garment. Eventually, Angus is running across the heather with his jewels
dangling in the dew. He gets to his girlfriend's house and knocks on the door. As
his girlfriend opens the door and looks him up and down, she says, "Hello
Angus, so nice of you to drop in.”

"Hello my bonny lass,” says Angus, pointing down to where he thinks his new
kilt is. “And what do you think of this?”

"Ah Angus,” she cries, “it is just lovely.”

"That's right my pretty lass,” says Angus. “And I have got two more yards at
home to wrap around your neck.”

Hamish MacTavish comes home unexpectedly to find his wife making wild love
to a strange man. "What the hell is going on here?" shouts MacTavish. "Who is
this guy?”

His wife stops and looks for a moment and replies, "I suppose that is a fair
question. “And turning to the stranger she says, "What IS your name, anyway?”

Fergus Cratchit, the seventy-year-old Scotsman, hobbles into his favorite pub to
shoot the breeze with his friends. Fergus has recently married a nineteen-year-
old girl, and several of the men at the bar buy him drinks and ask him to tell
about his wedding night.

"My youngest son, Kenneth, lifted me onto the bed where my lovely bride was
waiting for me," recounts Fergus. "And the next morning, my three older sons
carried me off the bed.”

The men gather at the bar scratching their heads, and then ask Fergus why it
needed three sons to take him off when he needed only one son to put him on.

"It is obvious,” replies Fergus, proudly. "I fought them!”

Myrtle MacTavish is being treated by her doctor for sore knees. The treatment
makes no improvement and Doctor Dingle is puzzled.
"Something is rubbing the skin off your knees as fast as it heals," he says. "Is it
praying?”
"No, Doctor," replies Myrtle, "it is my husband. He insists on having sex on the
floor, doggie style.”

Doctor Dingle sends for her husband and tells him, "You know, there are plenty
of other positions for sex.”

"No, Doc, there aren't," replies the man, "not if you both want to watch
television.”

Hamish MacTavish and Sandy MacPherson have been drinking all night when
their money finally runs out. "I've got an idea," says Hamish, "let's go to my
house and borrow some money from my wife.”

So, the two of them stumble over to MacTavish's house. They go inside, switch
on the light, and there on the sofa is Hamish’s wife making love to a strange
man. Sandy is very embarrassed, but Hamish walks right up to Maggie.

"Do you have some money," he asks her, "for your ever-loving husband?”

"Yes, yes," snaps Maggie, "Take my purse and for goodness sake, turn out the
lights!”

Outside the house again, Hamish empties the purse into Sandy's hand. "Great!"
says Hamish, "there is just enough here for a pint of beer for each of us.”

"But Hamish!" says Sandy, "What are you going to do about that man in there
with your wife?”

“To hell with him!" snaps Hamish, "let him buy his own beer!”

The dinner is finished and the head waiter is hovering amongst the twenty
business delegates with the bill, which amounts to a thousand dollars.
Unfortunately, the bill is pushed from one diner to another diner. No one seems
to be taking responsibility for paying it.

Suddenly, Hamish MacTavish, the only Scotsman present, announces in a loud

voice, "Pass me that bill; I will pay!”

The next morning, the papers carry the headline: "Scotsman shoots Jewish
ventriloquist!”
Hamish MacTavish and his wife Maggie have never been flying, so at the local
Air Show they decide to take a ride in a small open aircraft. They are just
climbing into the back of the plane when the pilot asks for the fare, which is
twenty pounds.

"Twenty pounds?" screams MacTavish, "That is ridiculous, it is far too much!”

"Okay," says the pilot, “I will make a deal with you. If you can complete this
ride without opening your mouth I won't charge you a penny. But if you make a
sound you pay me double!” Hamish agrees, and they take off.

As soon as they are in the air, the pilot starts to loop the plane, flies upside down,
sideways, and gives a whole display of aerobatics.

When they land again, the pilot says over his shoulder, "Well sir, you win. I
never thought you would be able to go through all that without opening your
mouth!”

"It was not easy," admits MacTavish, "especially when my wife fell out!”

Hamish MacTavish comes stumbling into the golf clubhouse, enters the bar and
orders a large scotch in a shaky voice. “Great Scot!" cries the bartender, "what
happened to you?”

"The tenth hole!" gasps Hamish. "I hit a brand new Dunlop ball into the field. I
could not find it anywhere. Then I saw a cow standing there, so I lifted up her
tail. And there was a ball, stuck in there. But it was a Goodyear ball.

“Just then, a woman came up behind me looking for her ball. I lifted up the
cow's tail again, and said to the woman, ‘Does this look like yours?’ and she hit
me over the head with her club!”

A young man, just home from the sea, walks into the pub. He orders a large
scotch whiskey and offers a hundred-pound note.

"I'm sorry sir," says Hamish MacTavish the barman, "I have only just opened
and I can’t change that.”

"Well, it's all I have got," replies the man. "So you can either let me drink until
you have got the change, or I'll have to go somewhere else.”
After an intense mental struggle, Hamish agrees to let the man keep drinking
until he gets the change. Soon the young man is chatting with Mrs. MacTavish
and starts buying her drinks. A dozen drinks later, Hamish looks around and the
man is gone.

"Where is that man with the hundred-pound note?" asks Hamish, panic
stricken. "The last time I saw him," says one of his locals, "he was going upstairs
with your wife and they were both taking their clothes off.”

"Thank God for that," gasps Hamish. "I thought he’d left without paying!”

The plane hits a storm and is going up and down and sideways. A little old lady
is getting very nervous and suddenly she jumps up. "Everybody on the plane,”
she shouts,“start praying!"

Hamish MacTavish is sitting next to her. "I don't know how to pray," he says.

"Well, do something religious!" the old lady cries.

So Hamish gets up, takes off his hat and starts making a collection.

Hamish and Maggie MacTavish are queuing for a movie called “The Miracle”.
The girl selling the tickets tells Hamish that there are no cheap seats left
anymore, only a few of the ones costing six dollars each.

Hamish hesitates and consults with Maggie and at length produces two five
dollar bills and a handful of loose change.

Hymie Goldberg steps out from the queue and says to Becky, "We can go home
now, I have just seen the miracle!”

Gordon MacTavish becomes the head of the Clan MacTavish and inherits a
fortune. His friends at the pub fear that his new wealth will change him.

There is a big discussion at the pub when the door bursts open and in strides
MacTavish, waving them all to the bar.

"When MacTavish drinks," he booms, "everyone drinks!”

When everyone has had a drink, he slaps down a dollar bill on the bar and
announces, "And when MacTavish pays, everyone pays!”

Hamish MacTavish becomes a sergeant with the Scottish Highlanders regiment.

One day he walks into the pharmacy and deposits an old condom on the
counter. "How much for a repair job?" he asks.

"Well," replies the chemist, "with washing, drying, patching, lubricating, and re-
rolling it comes to thirty pence.”

"My God," says MacTavish, "how much for a new one?”

"Fifty pence," replies the chemist.

Tucking the condom back in his kilt, MacTavish walks out saying, "I will talk it
over with the lads at the barracks and let you know our decision tomorrow.”

Sandy MacTavish, a young Scotsman, goes down to London for a holiday.

When he returns, his friend Hamish asks how it was. "Alright," says Sandy, "but
they are funny folk down there.”

"Why is that?" asks Hamish. "Well," says Sandy, "one night, very late, it must
have been about two in the morning, a man came banging on the door. He
screamed and shouted and was in a really nasty temper - at two o'clock, man.”

"And what did you do?" asks Hamish. "I did not do anything," says Sandy, "I
just went on quietly playing on my bagpipes.”

Ebenezer MacTavish is known to be the grumpiest farmer in the neighborhood.

One year when MacTavish's apple crop is exceptionally good, a neighbor is
confident that he will not complain. "I'll bet you are happy with your apple
crop," says the neighbor, "just about every one of them is a perfect apple.”

"I suppose they are alright," replies MacTavish grudgingly. "But what am I
going to do? I have got no rotten ones to feed to my pigs.”

At the annual gathering of the MacTavish clan, Hamish MacTavish suddenly

races to the microphone and interrupts the singing of "Blue Bells of Scotland”.
“Hoots!” he cries. “Hear this all ye fine and loyal MacTavishes! It is my money
purse, lost it is! There is a hundred pounds in that purse and whoever brings it
up here, now, I will give a reward of fifteen pounds!”

From the back of the crowd comes a voice, "I will give twenty-five.”

On their fiftieth wedding anniversary, mean old Hamish MacTavish decides to

treat his wife, Maggie, by taking her out to lunch at the Bawling Bagpipe
Restaurant. They order their food, and when it arrives Hamish starts eating -
but Maggie just sits there watching. The waiter becomes anxious, and goes over
to the old couple. "Is there something wrong with your food, Mrs. MacTavish?"
he asks. "No, no young man," replies Maggie. "I'm just waiting for my husband
to finish. He’s using the teeth first!”

Maggie MacTavish dies and leaves old Hamish a widower. It is such a relief for
him that he rushes excitedly round to see Mr. Tomb, the undertaker. "How
much to bury my wife?” asks Hamish. "Five hundred pounds," replies Tomb,
rubbing his hands together. "Five hundred?" splutters Hamish, clutching his
purse. "Can't you do it for less?”

"Well," replies Mr. Tomb, "the cheapest I can manage is three hundred
pounds.”

"My God!" wails Hamish, counting out his money, "I almost wish she was still
alive!"

18. CANNIBALS
Sorrow and suffering and misery - everything has to be taken non-seriously because the more
seriously you take them, the more difficult it is to get out of them. The more non-serious you
are… you can pass through the suffering, through the dark night, singing a song. And if one
can pass through the dark night singing a song and dancing, then why unnecessarily torture
yourself ?

Make this whole journey from here to here just a beautiful laughing matter.

Moskowitz, Horowitz and Shapiro go on safari, where they are captured by a

large tribe of fierce and hostile savages. Bound and helpless, they are brought
before the big chief, Boonga. Pointing to Moskowitz, he says, "You have a
choice: death or chi-chi?”

"What could be worse than death?" cries Moskowitz, "I'll take chi-chi!”

There is a loud cheer and he is seized and viciously sodomized by the entire
tribe.

The next day, Chief Boonga says to Horowitz, "Death or chi-chi?”

Horowitz trembles and says, "Chi-chi!" and he too is abused by the whole tribe.

The next morning, Shapiro is summoned to the chief and is asked the same
question: "Death or chichi?”

Shapiro, who has watched the fate of his friends, looks the chief right in the eye,
and says, “Death!"

"Terrific!" says Boonga, and turning to the assembled tribe, yells, "Death by chi-
chi!”

Father Famine, the Christian Catholic, is making a missionary tour of all his
stations in Africa. He arrives at the small outpost at Ogaboga where Chief
Bonga, the village leader very proudly shows the old missionary around.

"Tell me," asks Father Famine, "do you think that our Catholic Christian
religion has made any progress here in your village?”

"I am completely certain it has,“ replies Chief Bonga enthusiastically. "These

days on Fridays we only eat fishermen.”
Two French chefs are exploring through darkest Africa, looking for some special
wild "Herbs de Jongle" for their restaurant in Paris. Just as they enter the
deepest, thickest forest, they find their magic herbs, but immediately get
captured by Chief Boonga and his cannibal tribe.

The two French chefs are carried to the village among loud drums, Singing and
dancing, and there they are tied to stakes. The whole tribe gathers to view their
new imported dinner, as the cannibal chef, Spoon-em-Out, starts the fire under
the cooking pots.

Just then, a crazed cannibal comes dancing wildly out of the crowd. He sways
and swirls around the two Frenchmen who are tied to the stake. Suddenly the
drums stop. A deathly hush falls over the village, and the wild-man speaks to the
two white men.

"You are French, are you not?" he asks. "Oui! Oui!" they reply in unison.

"Good! Then tell me," says the wild-man, "what are your names?”

"I am Pierre Souffle," says one Frenchman. "And this is my friend, Crepe
Suzette - but why do you want to know our names? Can you help us?”

"Ah! No," replies the wild-man, "but now I know what to write on the menu!”

Chief Boonga, the head of a primitive African tribe, writes a letter to Pope the
Polack at the Vatican. The Polack pope had sent three missionaries to the
Boonga tribe a few months before.

"Your Holiness," writes Chief Boonga, "I would like to thank you personally for
sending out the three Catholic missionaries to us. I and my tribe found them
kind, compassionate, loving, wise, sensitive - and absolutely delicious!”

Edgar and Louisa Snodgrass are Christian missionaries in Africa. They have
been taken prisoner by the local cannibal tribe and are standing in a huge
cauldron filled with water. Both are frightened beyond belief. Suddenly, Edgar
starts giggling.

"What on earth are you laughing about at a time like this?" Louisa asks, in
shock. "Those bastards don‘t know it yet," Edgar snickers, "but I just pissed in
then soup!”
Mungo, a big black gentleman, walks out of the jungle and into an African
town looking for work. He hears of a job at the local factory, and goes along for
an interview.

"You can have the job," says the white boss, "but you must understand one
thing: I don’t want you to bring any friends or relatives here. I know what you
jungle people are like. This job is for YOU only. Understand?”

"Yes, I understand, boss!" says Mungo. "No friends. No relations. Just me,
myself, alone!”

The next morning, when he arrives to start work, Mungo walks through the
factory gates followed by a little black pygmy.

"Hey!" shouts the boss, "I thought I told you, no relatives and no friends!”

"But boss," stammers Mungo, "he is not my friend or my relative - he is my

lunch!”

Doctor Horton, the anthropologist, stumbles upon a tribe of cannibals in the

middle of the jungle. Standing in the center of their village is a tall pole with a
hat hanging on the top. Immediately, Doctor Horton recognizes the hat and
shouts to the cannibal chief, “My God! That is Doctor Fracture's hat! He is my
best friend!”

"He WAS your best friend," says the cannibal chief, picking his teeth with a
toothpick. "Last night he was our dinner.”

"You ATE him?" cries Doctor Horton.

"Yup," says the chief. "First we chopped up his legs, then we deep fried them
and served them with lots of Pepsi-Cola.”

"Really?" exclaim's Doctor Horton.

"Yup," replies the chief. "Then we boiled his arms in garlic sauce and ate them,
also with lots of Pepsi-Cola.”

"Really?" cries Doctor Horton in disbelief. "You really ate ALL of him?"

"Yup, " says the chief. "All of him, with lots of Pepsi-Cola.”
"You mean," shouts Doctor Horton, "you even ate hi… his… his THING?”

"That‘s right, we ate his thing," says the cannibal. "But not with Pepsi-Cola….
because things go better with Coke!”

An Englishman, an Italian and a German are exploring the Amazon jungle in

Brazil, when they are captured by cannibals. They are tied to bamboo poles and
carried to “Spoon-em-out,” the Village cook.

"Hmm!" says Spoon-em-out, prodding the naked bodies expertly. "I don't think
we can cook them all together in the soup. But this one," he says, poking the
Italian, "we can eat for dinner tonight. He is greasy enough to be fried
immediately.

"This one," continues Spoon-em-out, jabbing the Englishman, "we can boil up
for the sick people. He has no salt and almost no taste, like tofu!

"And this one," grimaces Spoon-em-out, eyeing the German, "we will soak in
hot water for a week. Then he might be less tough and easier to digest!”

Katie the cannibal wanders out of the jungle and into town. She does a little
shopping and then stops at the cannibal butcher's store. "How much are brains
today?" asks Katie.

"Well," replies Butch, the cannibal butcher, pointing to his display shelf, "the
missionaries brains are ten dollars a pound, the nuns' brains are twenty dollars,
and the politicians’ brain's are two hundred dollars.”

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS?" screams Katie. "That's impossible! How can

they be so expensive?”

"Well," explains Butch, looking quite hurt, "have you any idea how many
politicians we have to catch to find one with a brain?”

At dinner one evening, the cannibal chief complains, "I hate my mother-in-
law.”

"Well then," says his wife, "just eat the vegetables!”

Two cannibals are sitting around the evening fire admiring a new Maytag
refrigerator beside them. "What is the capacity of that fridge?" asks the first
cannibal. "I'm not sure," says the second cannibal. "I guess just a little more
than those two guys who delivered it!”

A young sailor is washed ashore on an island inhabited by cannibals. Since the

cannibal tribe is fasting for one month, Chief Boonga announces that the
sailor's life will be spared if he can pass the three-tent test.

"In the first tent," says Boonga, “there is a jug full of strong liquor. You must
drink it all. "In the second tent is a lion with a toothache. You must take out his
sore tooth. "In the third tent is a nymphomaniac. She has already exhausted two
husbands who were trying to fulfill her needs. You must satisfy her twice!”

The sailor shrugs and goes into the first tent. After five minutes of silence, he
wobbles out and goes into the second tent. There are screams and moans and
eventually, he crawls out covered in cuts and bruises. Standing up he looks
around and asks, "Now, where is that girl with the sore tooth?”

A man is on safari in Africa, but he loses his guide and wanders deep into the
jungle. Suddenly he is surrounded by hostile natives. He is at a loss what to do.
But then he remembers a trick he had seen in an old movie. He digs into his
pocket, pulls out his cigarette lighter, flicks it once and a big flame pops up.

"It is a miracle," shouts Boonga, the chief, collapsing to his knees. "I have never
seen a lighter that worked first time.”

There is great excitement in the cannibal tribe when a white hunter and his
beautiful girlfriend are brought into the Village and tied up to a tree. The
cannibals boil up a huge pot of water and the man is thrown in, cooked, and
served up for a great feast.

By dawn the next morning, another pot is boiling, and the cannibals untie the
girl and lead her towards it.

She is just about to be thrown in when a man comes running from Chief
Boonga's hut.

“Wait!" cries the man, "Wait! The chief wants his breakfast in bed!”
The African tribe is living through a famine and having a bad time with its
crops. The chief calls a meeting and says, "We will send a telegram to the
Russians, telling them that we are having agricultural problems and need their
help. They will send seeds, tractors and one hundred young technicians to help
us.

"Then we will send a telegram to the Americans, telling them that the Russians
are helping us. And the Americans will send us seeds and tractors and one
hundred technicians. When all the technicians arrive, we will eat them.”

An English woman, traveling on safari in darkest Africa, is very excited until she
discovers that part of the journey is to be made through cannibal country.
Knowing that the safari cook is a member of one of the cannibal tribes, she
decides to consult him. He proves to be a pleasant, civilized man.

"You need not have any fear of my people," he assures her. “It would never
enter their minds to harm anyone on safari.” However, he continues, as he eyes
the woman's short, plump figure, "If you happen to meet with an accident and
be killed, you won't go to waste.”

Two cannibals, a father and son, are walking through the jungle checking their
mantraps when they find a beautiful white girl who is in distress. The son, an
impulsive boy, exclaims, "Look, Dad! A white girl. Let’s eat her right now.”

His father, who has had more experience in the world and has been to the
mission school, pauses thoughtfully and says, "No, son, let’s take her home and
eat your mother.”

A cannibal child and his mother are walking together through the jungle when
suddenly there is a roar from the sky above. "Don't be frightened," says the
mother. "It is only an airplane.”

"What is an airplane?" asks the boy. "It is something like a banana," explains the
mother. "There is a hard skin on the outside that you have to throw away, but
the insides are delicious.”

A cannibal chief treats himself to a Mediterranean cruise, and on the first night
he sits down for dinner and asks for the wine list. He orders a bottle of French
wine and consumes it immediately. Then the waiter approaches him and asks if
he would like to see the menu. "No thanks," the chief replies. “Just bring me the
passenger list.”

A Catholic missionary is captured by cannibals and is surprised to find out that

the chief has been to school in England and speaks perfect English.

“I can’t understand it,” says the indignant Priest. "How could You have spent so
much time in civilization and still eat people?

“A-ha!” says the chief. "But now I use a knife and fork."

 19. COPS

Except man, nothing is hilarious in the world. Just watch around you. And it is not that there
are only a few examples, there are so many examples. In fact every man - if he watches
himself - will find himself behaving in a hilarious way in many situations. Or if you are alert
enough and a witness, you will find so many people… you cannot believe why the world is so
sad, when so much hilariousness is going on. It should be a continuous festival of laughter.

That’s what my concept of an authentic humanity is: it will be hilarious, enjoying every
moment. It will not be serious, it will not be saintly. It will be utterly human and absolutely
respectful of its humanity its laughter; its dance, its song, everything that human beings are
prone to.

Grandma Piebaker is out walking her dog, Queenie, when she decides to go into
the local Supermarket. She ties up Queenie outside, and then goes in to do
some shopping. Almost immediately, every stray dog in the area is sniffing
around the defenseless Queenie. The local cop sees what is happening and goes
to get Grandma Piebaker.
"You can't leave your dog alone there, lady," says the cop.
"Why not?" asks Grandma.
"Lady," says the cop, "your dog is in heat!”
"Eat?" replies Grandma. "She will eat anything.”
"No, lady," says the cop, "your dog should be bred.”
"Sure," says Grandma, "she will eat bread, she will eat cake, she will eat
anything.” In complete frustration, the cop shouts, "The dog should be laid!”
Grandma stares angrily at the cop and says, "So lay her. I always wanted a
police dog!”

Chief Patrol Officer Kowalski and his partner, Officer Jablonski, are walking
down Main Street in Warsaw late one night. Suddenly, Officer Kowalski
stumbles over a dead body lying on the sidewalk with a huge knife in its back,
just in front of the Philharmonic Hall.

"Ho!" shouts Kowalski with surprise. "What do we have here?”

"It is a dead body, chief ! " exclaims Officer Jablonski, his eyes popping out.
"Right!" says Kowalski, and he pulls out his pad and paper and starts writing.
"Time!" shouts Kowalski.
"Er, one am." replies Jablonski, nervously looking at his watch.
"Okay," says Kowalski, writing furiously. "Now, date!”
“Er, March seventh," replies Jablonski, checking his calendar book.
"Good!" shouts Kowalski. “Description!"
"Er, knife stuck in back," cries Jablonski.
"Right!" exclaims Kowalski. "And location!”
Jablonski looks up at the huge building and says, "Er, F-I-L-A-M-O-N-I-C.
Philharmonic Hall?”
Kowalski scratches his head, and starts writing. “F-I-L… no, that's not right," he
says, and then he tries again.
“P-I-L-L… no, that's not it! Maybe it is F-H-I-L - oh, shit!" snaps Kowalski,
breaking his pencil.
"How the hell do you spell ‘Philharmonic’?"
"Gee," replies Jablonski, "I don't know.”
Then Kowalski bends over, picks up the bleeding body, throws it over his
shoulder, and starts walking away.
"Hey! Chief !" cries Officer Jablonski."'Where are you going?”
Kowalski turns around and says, "Let's put him in front of the post office!”

Captain Koppa of the L.A. police receives an order from the police
commissioner to raid Madam Fifi’s "House of Carnal Delights" in downtown
Hollywood. But this order causes Koppa and his men some embarrassment,
because they are all frequent customers themselves and are friendly with
Madam Fifi.

So Captain Koppa calls the establishment on the phone to warn them, but finds
that Madam Fifi and all the girls have gone out on a picnic. Only Mrs. Moppit,
the cleaning lady, is there to answer the phone.

"Listen," says Captain Koppa. "Pass this message onto Madam Fifi. Tonight, we
have to make a surprise raid on the place. But when we come, we will honk the
horn loudly, and drive around the block. We will do this three times - and then
we will come rushing in. By that time, we want everybody safely out of the
place! Do you understand?”

"Yes, yes!" replies Mrs. Moppit, and she puts down the phone. But when she has
finished cleaning she goes home and forgets to pass on the message.

That night it is business as usual, and Madam Fifi’s "House of Carnal Delights"
is packed to capacity. At midnight exactly, Captain Koppa and the boys arrive in
their patrol cars. They all honk their horns and screech around the block. When
they reappear, they honk their horns and go around again. They honk and
circle the block once more and then screech to a halt outside and charge into
the building.

As they are racing up the stairs with the captain in the lead, they meet two
naked girls coming down, holding a mattress between them. "What the hell is
going on?" cries Captain Koppa. "Where are you girls going?”

"Don't blame us!" shouts one of the girls. "Some idiot outside is honking for
take-away service!”

A cross-eyed cop arrests three cross-eyed drunks. He turns to the first cross-eyed
drunk and says, "What is your name?”
And the second cross-eyed drunk says, "Miles MacDuffy.”
The cross-eyed cop says, "I was not talking to you.”
And the third cross-eyed drunk says, "I did not say anything!”

A bunch of old hippies are hanging out and having a pot party. Suddenly there
is a loud banging at the door, and a gruff voice says, “Police!" One hippie looks
around frantically and then stuffs his burning reefer into the cuckoo clock. The
cops search the place, but finding nothing are about to leave. Suddenly the
cuckoo sticks his head out in a cloud of smoke and says, "Hey man, anybody
got the time?”

A young policeman is escorting a drunk driver down to the prison cells at the
police station. "You are going to be locked up for the night," he explains. "What
is the charge?" demands the prisoner. "There is no charge," says the cop. "It is
all part of the service.”

A student demonstration turns into a riot. Suddenly, a man staggers out of the
crowd, carrying a limp girl in his arms. "Here," shouts a cop, running up to the
man. "Give her to me, I will get her out of this!”

"To hell with you!" replies the man. "Go and find one of your own!”

Mabel Mince goes into the police station and tells the police officer that her
boyfriend is missing. The cop starts to fill out a report and asks Mabel if she can
give a description of the missing man.

"Sure," says Mabel. "He is thirty-five, six foot tall, blond hair, blue eyes, very
handsome and well mannered and he plays the guitar.”

A friend of hers whispers in her ear, "Hey, Mabel, what are you talking about?
Your boyfriend is short, fat and hairy.”

"I know," snaps Mabel, "but who wants HIM back?”

Police Constable Perkins is pounding the beat one night along a dimly-lit street.
He sees three parked cars, and goes over to the first car which is bouncing up
and down, and shines his flashlight inside.

"Hello, hello!“ he says, rapping on the window with his stick, "What do you
think you are doing?”

"Oh!" comes a startled voice. "We are doing the waltz!”

P.C. Perkins goes over to the second car, which is rocking from side to side. He
shines his light and taps on the window.
"Hello, hello!" he says, "and what are you doing?”

“Ah, we are doing the samba," comes the reply.

Perkins stops at the third car whose springs are squeaking and windows are all
steamed up. He raps on the window and says, "I suppose you are doing the
‘bossa nova’?"

"No, officer," comes a girl's voice, "I am doing the boss a favor!”

After the prison riot, the head warden calls the three ringleaders into his office.
“Now then,” he says,“I would like to know two things: First, why did you revolt?
And second, how did you get out of your cell?”

One of the men steps forward and says, "Warden, we rebelled because the
prison food is so awful.”

"I see," replies the warden. "And the cell, what did you use to break the bars?”

The prisoner steps back in disgust and says, "This morning's toast!”

A man is stretched out on his back across four seats in a movie theater in New
York.The usher comes down and says, "Sir, you will have to get out of those
four seats. You are only entitled to one." The man only grunts and does not
move. The manager comes down and says to the man, "Sir, you will have to get
up. All you are entitled to is one seat." The man grunts and does not move.
Finally a policeman is called in. He walks down the aisle and says to the man
who is still on the four seats, "Hey, Mister. Get out of those seats!” The man
grunts, and policeman says, "Okay, wise guy, where are you from?” The man
moans and says, "The balcony.”

Two police officers are having coffee and chatting about their new recruits. "You
won't believe how dumb my new constable is," says one. “Oh, I bet mine is
worse than yours” says the other. So the first officer calls his constable. He
comes in and salutes. “Yes, sir!" he says. “Here is a dollar,” says the officer, “go
and buy me a Rolls Royce.”

"Yes, sir'!" says the constable and he goes out. "That‘s nothing," says the other
officer and calls his constable.
"Go immediately to my house and see if I am there," he orders. “Yes, sir!" says
the constable and he goes out.

The two recruits meet in the corridor and one says, "Boy, you won't believe how
dumb my officer is. He gave me a dollar to buy him a Rolls Royce. Doesn't he
know it’s Sunday and the shops will be closed?”

"That's nothing," says the other. "My officer told me to go to his house and see
if he is there. Can’t he just make a phone call himself ?”

A policeman notices a car weaving dangerously along the road, and when he
pulls it over a beautiful woman gets out. She is clearly under the influence of
drink but to make sure, the cop gives her a breath test.

Sure enough, she is over the limit, so the cop says, "Lady, you have had two or
three stiff ones.”

"My God," cries the woman, "it shows that too?"


20. FARMERS
Take life more joyously and more jokingly. Let your whole life become a beautiful joke. There is
nothing wrong in nature, and to be natural is to be religious.

Father Fumble is visiting his central Oregonian flock and comes to the Sheep-
Shaggers farm near Fossil. He sees little Becky, the Sheep-Shaggers' daughter,
playing in the front yard and goes over for a chat.

"Hello, my child," says Father Fumble. "May I speak to your father?”

"No," replies Becky, shaking her head. "He's in jail for molesting sheep.”
"Really?" exclaims Father Fumble. "Then may I speak to your mother?”
"No," replies Becky, shaking her head. "She has been taken to the funny farm.
She was talking to sheep.”
"Really?" exclaims Fumble. "Then may I speak to your brother?”
"No," replies Becky. "He is at the university.”
"How nice!" exclaims Fumble. "What is he studying?”
"He ain’t studying nothing," replies Becky. "THEY are studying HIM!”

Farmer Scrumpy has been in the city for a couple of days, and when he gets
back, Homer, his hired hand, collects him from the train station in the old farm
Ford.

"How is everything, Homer?" asks Scrumpy. "Ah, so-so," replies Homer.

"Anything much happen while I was gone?" asks Scrumpy, climbing into the
car. "Nothing much to speak of," replies Homer, driving off. "The dog limps a
little.”

"Really?" asks Scrumpy. "Yup," says Homer. "How did that happen?" asks
Scrumpy. "Well," explains Homer, "I guess the old horse was acting kind of
crazy, running out of the stable, half scorched, in the middle of the night, and
kicked him."

"The horse?" cries Scrumpy. "Half scorched?”

"Yup," explains Homer. "When the barn burnt down and all the hay went up in
smoke, the horse got scorched.”

"Really?" cries Scrumpy. "The barn burnt down?”

"Yup," replies Homer. "I guess a few sparks must have jumped from the house to
start it. I got out of the house just in time.”
"Really?" cries Scrumpy. "The house was on fire? How did you get out?”

"Well," explains Homer, "your wife kicked me out of bed and woke me up!”

"Really?" shouts Scrumpy. "You were in bed with my wife?”

"Yup! We were drinking your homemade whiskey.”

"Really?" shouts Scrumpy. "You were drinking my whiskey and in my bed with
my wife? Where is she now?”

"Well," explains Homer, "she got crisped in the fire, but don't worry! I saved the
whiskey!”

"Thank God!" cries Scrumpy. "Did anything else happen?”

"Nope," explains Homer, "it was a pretty quiet weekend!”

Farmer Scrumpy decides to pay a call on his old friend, Farmer Zeke. He finds
Zeke leaning on the fence of the hog pen, smoking his pipe and humming a
song. "Hi, Zeke," says Scrumpy, looking around the farm. "How have things
been with you lately?”

"Ah, pretty tolerable," replies Zeke. "I had some trees that needed cutting down,
but a tornado came along and saved me the trouble.”

"Really?" asks Scrumpy. "Yup," says Zeke. "Then the branches were lying there
and needed burning, but lightning set fire to them and saved me the trouble.”

"Really?" asks Scrumpy. "So what are you going to do now?”

"Well, nothing much," replies Zeke, sucking on his pipe. "I figured I would just
wait here until the potatoes get shaken out of the ground by an earthquake!”

Father Fumble is doing the rounds of his parish in the Oregon countryside,
when he decides to drop in on the Fossil faintly. Little Freddy Fossil answers the
door, and Fumble says, "God bless you, my son. Can I speak to your mother?”

"You can't," replies Freddy. "She has been run over by the tractor.”
"Ah! Lord!" gasps Fumble. "Then let me talk to your father!”
"You can't," replies Freddy.
"Really? Why not?" asks Father Fumble.
"Because he has been run over by the tractor," replies Freddy.
"Sweet Jesus!" exclaims the priest. "Then let me see your Uncle Bob!”
"You can't," replies Freddy.
"My God!" cried Fumble. "Don't tell me that he has been run over by the
tractor, too?”
"Yup!" replies Freddy.
"Ah! You poor boy," says Father Fumble. "What are you doing here all by
yourself ?”
"Me?" asks Freddy. "I drive the tractor!”

Farmer Meadow-Muffin's young son Simon comes running into the farmhouse
one day, crying. His arms and legs are covered in bee-stings. "What happened to
you?" asks Farmer Meadow-Muffin. "Well, Dad," howls Simon, "I was just
walking through the cow field, past the bee-hive, when all the bees flew out and
stung me!”

"Nonsense!" says the farmer. "Bees don't sting for no reason. You must have
been fooling around with their hive.”

"No, Dad, really," sobs Simon. "I was just walking past and they all flew out and
stung me!”

"You are lying!" says Farmer Meadow-Muffin. "And to prove it, you can tie me
naked to that apple tree next to the beehive and leave me there for the rest of
the day. And by the evening I bet you that not one bee has stung me.”

"Okay, Dad!" says Simon, brightening up. And then he ties his naked father to
the tree and goes off to play. All through the day, Simon hears his father
shouting and screaming, but he leaves him there to teach him a lesson. That
evening, Simon goes along to release his father. "What was all that shouting
about, Dad?" he chuckles. "Did you get stung badly?”

"Not one bee touched me!" snaps Meadow-Muffin. "But you see that baby cow
there? All day long she thought I was her mother!”

Gorgeous Gloria leaves the city one sunny morning, for a drive in her little red
Alfa Romeo sports car. She is speeding through the country lanes when
suddenly there is a loud banging noise from the engine. Gloria pulls the car over
to the side of the road and gets out. Obviously the car is not going any further,
and it is getting late, so Gloria walks to a nearby farmhouse to explain her
trouble. Old Zeb, the farmer, offers a room to Gloria and she sleeps there for
the night. The next morning, Gloria wanders into the barn and watches Zeb's
daughter milking a cow. "That looks like fun," says Gloria. "Can I try?”

"Sure," replies the girl, getting up from the milking stool. Gloria sits down
beside the cow, grabs its tits and starts squeezing. A couple of minutes later she
asks the girl, "Hey, how long do you have to pull on these things before they get
hard?”

Bonzo, the Australian boundary rider, hangs up his saddle for the last time.
"Come on, Bilbo," he says to his old faithful dog, "I've had enough of this. I'm
going to become a truck-driver.”

Bonzo practices his driving skills for many days and finally goes for his truck-
driving test. "Now, tell me," says the examiner, "what would you do if a
kangaroo hopped in front of your truck?”

"I would stop," replies Bonzo, "and shoo it away.”

"Good," says the examiner, "and supposing you ran over a prickly pear and got
a puncture, what would you do?”

"I would have a few beers, eat the prickly pear, change the wheel, and then
carry on,” replies Bonzo. "Good," says the instructor.

"And one more question: Supposing you are driving along a two-lane highway
and you see a truck coming towards you. At the same time another truck is
overtaking you, and then you see another truck overtaking the truck coming
towards you. There is no chance of avoiding a huge collision… what would you
do?”

"Well," says Bonzo, smiling gleefully, "then I would wake up Bilbo.”

"Really?" asks the examiner. "Who is Bilbo?”

"Bilbo is my dog," replies Bonzo. "Really?" says the examiner. "And what good
would that do, waking up your dog?”

"It wouldn't do any good." replies Bonzo. "But Bilbo loves to see a good smash!”
Farmer Meadow-Muffin has a barn which catches fire and burns down in the
middle of the night. The next day, the insurance man, George Grabbit, comes
to inspect the damage. "It is the company policy," explains Grabbit, "to build a
replacement barn of the same size and with the same materials, instead of
paying you cash for the damage.”

“Well, if that's the way your company does business," snorts the farmer. "you
can cancel the insurance on my wife!”

Farmer O'Reilly goes to see the doctor for his yearly check-up. After the
examination the doctor says, "You are good and healthy, but there is one thing I
have to tell you. You must start wearing underwear, for two reasons. First, it is
more hygienic, and second, it is warmer.”

So Farmer O'Reilly buys himself some underwear and puts them on. The next
day he is out in the fields when he needs to take a shit. So he climbs off the
tractor, pulls down his pants, but of course forgets about his underwear. When
he has finished, he pulls up his pants, takes a look behind him, and seeing no
shit, he mumbles, "The doc was right, it is more hygienic.” Then he climbs back
onto his tractor, and sits down.

"Right again!" exclaim's O’Reilly in surprise. "It IS warmer, too!”

Ed, the Oregonian rancher, drives into Fossil to buy a new tractor, and wants to
get a present for Mabel, his wife. Very nervous, he goes along to the lingerie
shop and walks up to the pretty salesgirl. "Can I help you, sir?" asks the girl. Ed
points to a bra on a dummy, blushes, and stammers, "I wanna buy one of those
things.”

"Certainly, sir," replies the girl. "What size?”

"Size?" gasps Ed. "Ah! My God! I don't know!”
"Well," says the girl, helpfully, "are they like melons?”
"Oh no!" replies Ed.
“Coconuts?” asks the girl.
“No, no!“ says Ed.
"Well then, are they like grapefruits?" she asks.
"No, not at all," replies Ed.
"Oranges then," suggests the girl.
"No," replies Ed.
"Lemons?" she asks.
"Lemons?" repeats Ed. "Ah, no!”
"Well then, how about eggs," suggests the girl.
“Eggs… yes, eggs!" says Ed, confidently. "Fried eggs!”

Farmer O'Leary has two prize cows, Daisy and Buttercup. One day, he borrows
the neighbors bull and puts it into the field with the cows. The bull does not
show much interest in the cows…

Seems to be a swami!

… and soon Farmer O'Leary gets bored and goes off for his lunch. That
afternoon, Father Fumble, the Village priest, comes to the farmhouse for tea, so
Farmer O'Leary calls his farmhand, Sean, and tells him to go out to the field
and watch the bull. Sean is to let him know if the bull shows any interest in
Daisy and Buttercup. Mrs. O'Leary is just pouring Father Fumble a second cup
of tea, when Sean comes bursting into the room and shouts, “The bull is
screwing Daisy!” Father Fumble almost chokes, and Farmer O'Leary drags Sean
angrily into the kitchen. "Listen here, you idiot!" snaps O'Leary. "You can't use
language like that in front of the priest! Next time, say something like, ‘The bull
has surprised Daisy.’ Now, get back outside!” Ten minutes later, Sean comes
bursting into the room in a high state of excitement. "Farmer O'Leary!" he
stammers. "The bull, er...the bull’s, ah…. !" But he cannot finish his sentence.
"Do you mean," says O'Leary, with a knowing look, "that the bull has surprised
Buttercup?”

“I’ll say he has surprised Buttercup!" shouts Sean. "He is screwing Daisy again!”

Old Zeb, the back-woods, West Virginia farmer, has been screwing one of his
favorite pigs for years. Suddenly, Zeb is hit by pangs of guilt and conscience that
torture him so much he decides to go and tell the priest about it in confession.
Father Fungus is shocked and he really does not know how to handle this one.
“Well," says the priest to old Zeb, "tell me, is the pig male or female?”

"She's female, of course," snorts Zeb. "What do you think, I am - some kind of
a pervert?”

Nellie Knickers is driving along in the countryside in her new sports car, when it
breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She walks up to the
door and knocks. When the farmer answers, Nellie says to him, "It is getting late
and my car broke down. Can I stay here for the night and then go for help in
the morning?”

"Well," says the farmer. "You can stay here. But I don't want you messing with
my sons, Jed and Luke." Nellie looks behind him and sees two strapping young
men in their twenties. "Okay," she says. But after they have all gone to bed,
Nellie begins to think about the boys in the next room.

So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like me to
teach you the ways of the world?” They say, “Huh?” She says, "The only thing
is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these condoms.”

They agree and the three of them go at it all night long. A year later, Jed and
Luke are sitting on the front porch. Jed says, "Luke, do you remember that
blond woman who came by and showed us the ways of the world?”

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember.”

“Well,” says Jed, “do you care if she gets pregnant?”

"No," says Luke. "Me neither", says Jed, "let's take these things off !”

Two old Virginia farmers meet on the street. “Hey, Jed," says one, "I have got a
mule, sick with distemper. What did you give yours when it had that?”

"I gave him turpentine," replies Jed. A week later, they meet again and the first
old farmer shouts, "Hey, Jed, I gave my mule some turpentine like you said, it
killed him!”

"Funny," replies Jed, "it killed mine too!”

Giles Winterbottom, the farmer, takes his small son, Jasper, to market one day.
Winterbottom goes to look at the cows and strokes them, pulls their skin and
fondles their teats. "Why do you do that?" asks Jasper.

"Well, you see, son," says Winterbottom, "if you want to buy a cow that is the
best way to see if she is healthy.” A few days later, Winterbottom is out in the
fields when Jasper comes running up and says, "Dad, there is a traveling
salesman in the kitchen, and I think he wants to buy Mom!”
Farmer Hayseed keeps the best bull in the neighborhood and makes money
renting its services. One day, Farmer Hayseed and his son, Ned, leave the bull
with young Sam, giving him the instructions to charge ten dollars for every cow
that comes to visit it. Sam is sitting in the farmyard when an angry neighbor
drives up and demands to see Farmer Hayseed.

"He's out, sir," says Sam, "and so is Ned, but I can help you.”

"No, you can't," snaps the neighbor, "that Ned has gone and got my daughter
pregnant!”

"You're right, sir, you'll have to see Farmer Hayseed," says Sam, "I don't know
what he charges for Ned.”

In a remote part of the countryside, a young farmer and his wife are delighted
when a Martian couple land their spaceship nearby. The young farmer invites
the Martians to stay over for dinner. They all become so friendly that they
decide to exchange partners for the night.

The farmer's wife and the male Martian are getting ready for bed when she
notices that he has a very small prick. "What do you think you are going to do
with that?" she giggles. "Watch," he says, twisting his right ear. Immediately the
prick grows to twelve inches long, but as thin as a pencil. Then he twists his left
ear and the prick becomes as fat as a sausage. They enjoy a wonderful night
together. The next morning after saying good-bye the Martians take off.

The farmer turns to his Wife, "So, how was it?" he asks. "It was fantastic, really
out of this world," she says. "How about you?”

“Nothing special,“ admits the farmer, "A bit weird, in fact. All night long she
kept playing with my ears.”

Two tramps, Monty and Albert, are sitting together on a park bench. Monty,
who always looks skinny and half-starved, asks his friend how he manages to
look so well fed and satisfied. "Well," says Albert, "I have got a system worked
out. I collect a handful of cowshit from a field and then go to one of the big
houses and ask for a little salt and pepper to put on it. Of course, the people
take one look and say: ‘You can't eat that!’ so they take me in for a good meal or
send me to a cafe with some money.” Monty thinks that this is a great idea. He
finds some really old, dried up cowshit and goes to the biggest farmhouse in the
neighborhood. "Excuse me, lady," he says to the woman who answers the door,
"but do you have a little salt and pepper for me to put on my lunch?”

"You can't eat that!" cries the woman in disgust, "you will be sick. Go round to
the cowshed and get a fresh bit.”

Farmer Jones has a cat called Moggy, who is a bit constipated. One night.
Moggy is making so much noise outside Jones’ window that he phones the vet.
The vet is a bit deaf, and also angry at being woken in the middle of the night.
He tells Jones to give the animal a bottle of castor oil and he will call around in
the morning. "A whole bottle of oil?" cries Jones. “Don't argue," shouts the vet,
"just do as I say!” So Jones grabs the unfortunate Moggy, and with the aid of a
funnel manages to force the liquid down his throat. The next morning the vet
arrives and says, "Now, how is that sick cow of yours?” "Cow?" asks Jones. "I
said cat.”

"My god!" cries the vet, "did you give him" the whole bottle of castor oil?”

"You wouldn't let me argue!" replies Jones. "Where is the cat now?" asks the vet.
"Well," says Jones, "he is up in the big field with twelve of his friends… four
digging, four filling in, and four searching for fresh ground.”

Farmer Bumpkin and his wife Betty take their three pigs over to a neighboring
farm to get them mated. While the pigs are at it, Bumpkin asks his neighbor,
"How will we know if the mating is a success?” Bumpkin is told that if in a few
days the pigs are eating grass, it means it is a success. If they are rolling around
in the mud, it means it is not a success. After a few days Bumpkin comes down
to breakfast and asks Betty, "Are they eating grass or rolling around in the
mud?”

"They are rolling around in the mud," replies Betty. So they put the three pigs
back in the car and take them back to the other farm to get them mated again.
After a couple of days Bumpkin asks Betty again, "What are they doing?”

"They are rolling around in the mud," replies Betty. Bumpkin is very angry and
says, "My god! I have got lots of work to do today, but let’s get them in the car
and take them back again.” So three days go by and Bumpkin comes down to
breakfast and asks, "Betty, are they rolling in the mud or eating grass?”

"Neither," replies Betty, "they are in the car, honking the horn!”
Farmer Rumple is getting on in years, but the pretty young wench who milks his
cows catches his eye. He decides to marry her and they settle down happily at
the farmhouse. Some time later, Farmer Rumple goes to visit his doctor. "I have
this problem," he says. "I don't get the urge very often, but sometimes it happens
when I'm out in the fields, and by the time I run back to my wife at the
farmhouse, it is gone!”

"Well," says the doctor, thoughtfully, "why don't you take your gun with you, so
when you get the urge, you can fire off a shot and she can come running to
you?”

"Great idea!" says Rumple and goes home. All is well until one day the doctor
sees the farmer looking a bit miserable. "How is your love life?" asks the doctor.
"It was wonderful since you gave me that advice," says Rumple. "And how is
your lovely wife?" asks the doctor. "Well," replies Rumple, "that is just it. I have
hardly seen her at all since the hunting season started!”

A pretty young farm girl has been to the market one day and is walking home to
her farm after dark. Soon she meets one of the lads from the neighboring farm
walking in the same direction. They walk together for a little while, and the girl
says, "You know, I'm not sure a weak and defenseless girl like me should be
walking with a big strong chap like you after dark.” The farm lad says nothing.
A few minutes later she starts again, "I'm almost afraid to be alone in the dark
with you like this. You might take advantage of me.” The boy laughs and says,
"Here am I carrying a pitchfork and a chicken in one hand, a washtub in the
other, and leading a goat. And you think I'm going to get ideas? No chance.”
The girl thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well, I only thought that if you were
to stick the pitchfork in the ground, tie the goat to it and put the chicken under
the washtub, I would be in trouble.”

The politician is trying to calm a group of angry farmers because he has not
fulfilled any of his promises. "If you put a bull into a field of cows one night,"
he declares, "you would not expect to get a lot of new-born calves in the
morning, would you?”

"No," says a voice from the back of the hall, "but you would certainly expect to
see a lot of contented faces.”

A big Yorkshire farmer has to go to London for several months and decides to
leave one of his best workers in charge. "I want you to take care of things,
Harry, as if I were here myself, understand?" Harry nods. Four months later the
farmer returns to find everything in shape. Harry. shows him around the farm
yard. "The chicks have been laying plenty of eggs," he says, “the wheat has
grown double strong, the vegetables are better than they have ever been, and as
for those monthly spells your daughter used to have, I have even got those
stopped.”

Tired of being a Yuppie, Bogart decides to leave the city life and buy a small
farm. He goes to a sale of farm animals and asks to buy a rooster. "Out here,"
says the salesman, "we call them cocks.”

"Okay," says Bogart, "give me a cock. And can you sell me a hen?" he asks.
"Out here," says the salesman, "we call them pullets.”

"Okay, give me a pullet," says Bogart. "And what else do you have for sale?”
The salesman explains that he has a jackass for sale, so Bogart buys that too. As
he is leaving, the salesman warns Bogart that sometimes the jackass stands still
and won't move until he is scratched between the ears.

Sure enough, on his way home the jackass stops and does not move, and Bogart
has forgotten what the salesman had said. Grandma Faginbaum happens to be
walking nearby and stops to ask if she can help. Just then Bogart remembers
about scratching the jackass between the ears. “Ah, yes, you can help me," says
Bogart. "Would you hold my cock and pullet while I hold my ass and scratch
it?”

A farmer munching on a cookie is watching a big rooster chasing a hen around

the barn, and gaining on her at every lap. The farmer throws a piece of cookie
in front of the racing pair. The rooster comes skidding to a stop and gobbles up
the piece of cookie. "My god," says the farmer, "I hope I never get THAT
hungry.”

Farmer Giles is worried about the performance of his prize bull. He doesn't
seem to be interested in the cows anymore. So he goes to the vet who prescribes
a course of pills for the bull. A few weeks later, a friend comes by and asks
Farmer Giles how the bull is getting on. “Just great!" says Giles. "The vet gave
me these pills for the bull and from the first day the old fellow has been
unstoppable! In fact, I am making a fortune; the local farmers can't get their
cows round here fast enough!”
"Great!" says his friend. "And what are these pills then?”

"Well," says Farmer Giles, "they are great big green ones - and they taste just
like peppermints.”

An old chicken farmer is very proud of his brood, so when two smartly dressed
city gentlemen ask to look at them, he quickly obliges. "A very fine bunch of
chickens," says one of the men. "Thank you, sir," replies the farmer. "And what
do you feed them on?" asks the second man. "Special chicken fertilizer,
imported from China," says the old man, proudly. "A-ha!" cries the first man.
“Just as we suspected. That is illegal. You will be fined two thousand dollars.” A
month later, two more well-dressed men show up and ask the farmer what he
feeds to his magnificent chickens. The old man, wiser than the first time, says, "I
just feed them on shit.”

"A-ha!" say the men. "We are from the Health and Hygiene Department, and
what you are doing is illegal. You will be fined two thousand dollars.” A few
weeks later, another city gentleman arrives and asks the same question. This
time the farmer shrugs and says, "Listen, mister, I just give them fifty cents each
and tell them to go to the market and buy what the hell they want!"

21. FRENCH
Gautam Buddha said as his last statement: "Be a light unto yourself." The day I leave the
body please remind me, so that I can make my last statement: “Be a joke unto yourself.” That
is far more joyful than being a light unto yourself. What are you going to do with a light? Light
your cigars, or burn people’s houses?

But being a joke unto yourself, you will be a bliss for everyone.

This is the way 1 find jokes - looking at you. So be aware when I look at you; I am searching
for a joke!

This is such a hilarious world and religions have made it so sad. It should be full of songs and
music and dance. But it seems we are so deeply contaminated, poisoned with misery and
suffering that even when you laugh you don’t laugh with your totality.

You are holding even your laughter; you can watch it that you are holding it - except one man.
You all know who that one man is. Give a real good laugh so everybody knows.

A little French boy comes to England in order to learn English. As his plane
leaves Paris he learns the word ‘take-off ’. During the flight he is looking through
a magazine about Africa and learns the word ‘zebra’. When he arrives in
England, the family he is staying with have a new baby and he learns the word
‘baby’.

The next day he comes to the school and the pretty young teacher asks him if
he has learnt any English words yet, and the little boy replies, "Take-off ze bra,
baby. “

A pair of good friends, Frenchmen…

Now even if the mention of Frenchmen is not made, looking at the whole episode you can
conclude it is about Frenchmen.

A pair of good friends are strolling down the street in Paris one day when they
spy two women approaching.

"Sacre bleu, Pierre," cries one. "There comes my wife and mistress walking
towards us arm in arm!”

"Mon Dieu, Henri," cries the second, "I was about to say the same thing!”
It is not a coincidence that in the most sexually perverted country, France, while being in love
with a woman, you say, “I want to eat you.”

Are these people cannibals? Is the woman a vegetable or what?

“I want to eat you” shows a great respect for the woman! When nobody says to her, “I want to
eat you,” she thinks, “I am now finished. Life has come to an end!”

Peter Pumper gets onto the famous TV game show, "Primal Passions", and wins
his way to the final round. "Okay, Mister Pumper," says Monty Mount, the
emcee, "for the big, sixty-four thousand dollar question, which subject do you
choose?”

"I choose ‘Sexual Techniques,” replies Peter, excitedly. "Good," shouts Monty,
"and in addition, you are allowed to choose any expert to help you answer the
questions.”

"I have brought with me the famous French sexologist, Andre Perverse," replies
Peter Pumper, confidently. The audience gasps with approval.

"Right!" shouts Monty. "NOW enter the soundproof box together, and prepare
to answer the big question on sexual techniques. You have exactly one minute to
answer. The question is:

“You are in bed with your mistress, and you have exactly three kisses to arouse
her to the max! Where would you place the first kiss?”

"On the lips!" cries Peter, without a second's hesitation. "CORRECT!" shouts
Monty, "And where would you place the second kiss?” There is a pause as Peter
thinks for a moment. But then he shouts, "On the back of the neck!”

"CORRECT!" shouts Monty. The audience howls with approval. "Now,"

continues Monty, "for the third and final part of the question - for sixty-four
thousand dollars, where would you place the THIRD kiss?”

Perspiration pours down Peter's face. He is in trouble as the music plays louder
and louder and time ticks away. In desperation, Peter turns to his partner, Andre
Perverse, and says, "Andre! You must help me…!”

But the Frenchman shakes his head frantically. "Do not ask me, mon ami,"
replies Andre. "In my mind you have already been wrong TWICE!”
During the second German occupation of France, a peasant is captured and
sent to a prison camp. Now and then he gets a letter from his wife who
complains she is having difficulty with the farm. She has plenty of seeds, she
says, but she is not able to plough the fields herself.

He writes back, "It is all for the best, my dear, leave the fields unploughed -
that’s where the guns are buried.”

Four days later, two truckloads of Gestapo men descend on the farm and dig up
all the fields. Frantically, the wife writes to her husband telling him what has
happened and asks him what to do. He writes back a brief note, "Now plant the
seeds.”

A new officer arrives in the French foreign legion in the Sahara, and he quickly
tries to adapt to the ways of life there. One day he is very puzzled to see all the
men rushing off, out of the camp, and he asks, "What is going on?”

A soldier explains, "Well, you see, all this time here in the desert, and no women
ever come here, so when the camels come, we… ah… take the opportunity.”

"Ah yes, I see," says the new officer. "But then tell me, why such a rush?”

"Oh," the man answers, "of course, nobody wants to get stuck with an ugly
one.”

Henri, the gallant Frenchman, has a new girlfriend called Sylvie, and he is crazy
about her. One afternoon Sylvie is waiting for him in bed in her Paris
apartment, when Henri comes in. He is overcome by passion, takes off his hat
and throws it out of the open window. Then he takes off his new coat and
throws that out too. Sylvie shrieks with delight. Then Henri takes off his shoes
and throws them out too. "Henri, cheri," cries Sylvie, "what are you doing?
Don't throw away your beautiful new clothes!”

"Do not worry, my darling," replies Henri. "By the time I am finished they will
all have gone out of fashion!”

A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a restaurant.

The American feels really proud to be an American, so he starts a conversation.
He asks the Frenchman, "When you eat bread, do you eat all of it?”
"Of course," says the Frenchman. "Well," says the American, "We only eat the
soft part of it; the rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through
a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in France. And what about
steaks?" he continues. "Do you eat all parts of them?”

"Yes, we do," answers the Frenchman. "Oh, we don't!" says the American. "We
only eat the meaty part of the steak; the greasy part we collect in containers,
take to a factory, put through a mill, and what comes out are little steaks that
we sell in France.”

Now the Frenchman gets really upset. He asks, "So what do Americans do with
their used condoms?”

"Of course we throw them away," says the American. The Frenchman replies,
"Ha! We collect them all in containers, take them to a factory and put them
through a mill. What comes out is chewing gum that we sell in America!”

On honeymoon, the young French bride is becoming exhausted by her ardent

eighty-year-old husband. During a short lull, while he is shaving, she sneaks out
and staggers into the hotel coffee-shop downstairs.

"I don't get it," says her friend, the waitress. "Here you are, a teenage bride with
an ancient husband, and you look a wreck. What happened?”

"The old goat double-crossed me," sobs the bride. "He told me he had been
saving up for sixty years, and I thought he was talking about money!”

Three French boys, respectively six, seven and eight years old, are skipping
along the street.

The six year old, who is in front, looks in through an open window he is passing,
stops, and waves excitedly to the others.

"Come, come quickly," he says. "A man and a woman are fighting in there.”

The seven year old, coming up, looks in and says, "No, you fool, they are
making love.”

The eight year old comes up, looks in and says, "Yes, but what a terrible
technique.”
There is a new commander at the fort of the French Foreign Legion, and the
captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds,
the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You ‘aven't
shown me zat small blue building over zere. What is zat used for?”

The captain says, "Well, sir, you see, zat is where we keep the camel. Whenever
the men feel the need for a woman…”

"Enough!" says the commander in disgust. But two weeks later, the commander
himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell
me something, captain." Then lowering his voice and glancing furtively around,
he asks, "Is ze camel free anytime soon?”

The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Mais, oui, sir, the
camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o’clock."

The commander says, "Put me down.”

So the next day at two o'clock the commander goes to the little blue building
and opens the door. Inside he finds the cutest camel he has ever seen. He closes
the door.

The captain hears a great roaring and screaming, so he runs up and bursts into
the hut. He finds the commander naked, covered in camel hair and mud.

"Excuse me, begging your pardon, sir," says the captain, "but wouldn’t it be
wiser to do as all the other men do - and ride the camel into town and find a
woman?”

22. ITALIAN
I see your troubles and really… I take them seriously, but deep inside I am giggling. Not to
offend you I talk about your problems, which are sheer nonsense - but don 't tell it to anybody!

Seeing you, certainly I rejoice, So many jokes all around! Perhaps this is the first gathering in
the world where jokes are being used for your spiritual growth…

And you cannot be otherwise - unless you become enlightened. Only enlightened people don 't
have anything in life which you can make a joke of. But in ignorance and unconsciousness,
whatever you do is somehow hilarious - your fights, your love affairs, your marriages, your
divorces. If you start watching your behavior, you will find out for yourself - “My god. My
whole life is full of jokes!”

And it will be a great revelation… far greater than the revelation of God, because that too is
only a joke and nothing else.

Guiseppe and Martino, two Italians, are at the movie house watching a
spaghetti western and feeling bored. Martino leans over in the dark and taps his
friend on the arm. "Hey-a, Guiseppe," whispers Martino, "I am-a really bored!
You see-a this guy in front with the bald-a head? I give a you a thousand lira if
you smack him over the head!”

Guiseppe immediately takes the money, stands up and hits the bald man in front
- POW! - over the head. The man turns around in a daze. "Hey-a! Francesco!"
says Guiseppe. "Good-a to see you!”

"I am not-a Francesco!" replies the man, shakily, and he turns back to watching
the movie. Five minutes pass, and Martino is bored again. "Hey-a Guiseppe!"
he whispers. "I give-a you two thousand lira if you hit-a the bald-a guy again!”

Guiseppe takes the money, stands up and hits the bald-headed man - BONK! -
on the head.The bald man spins around and is just about to climb over the back
of his seat, when Guiseppe says, "Hey-a! Francesco! Good-a to see you!”

"I tell-a you!" snaps the bald man. "I am not-a Francesco!" and he storms out
and goes and sits upstairs in the balcony. Ten minutes later, Martino is bored
again. "Hey-a! Guiseppe!" he whispers, "I am-a bored!

Let's-a go upstairs!" The two friends go to sit in the balcony just behind the
bald-headed man. "Hey-a! Guiseppe!" whispers Martino. "I give-a you ten
thousand lira if you hit-a the man with the bald-a head again!” Guiseppe puts
the money into his pocket, gets to his feet, and hits the bald head - SMACK! -
with his hand. The man spins around in his seat. "Hey-a! Francesco!" says
Guiseppe. "You know, downstairs there is a guy that looks just-a like you!”

I have heard a very beautiful story…

It is Julius Caesar's birthday, and after breakfast the Roman senators are eager
for him to take a chariot ride with them to view their present to him”.

Caesar is delighted to find the whole of the driveway to the imperial palace is
lined with crucified Christians. As they drive along, Caesar brings the procession
to a sudden halt. "That man there!" he cries. "He must be alive - his lips are
moving. I want to hear what he is saying.”

The senators raise Caesar on their shoulders. "Closer, closer!" he shouts. "I can't
hear.” Finally, with his ear almost touching the man's lips, he hears, "Happy
birthday to you.”

One can change every situation. Now he is being crucified, but he has no complaint. Within
minutes he may be dead, but his heart wants to say, “Happy birthday to you.”

Guiseppe comes downstairs after his wedding night and is greeted by his old
friend, Giovanni. “Hey-a, Guiseppe!” shouts Giovanni. "How-a many times-a
last-a night?”

"Three-a times!" exclaims Guiseppe, doing up his trousers. "Wow!" shouts

Giovanni. “Fantastico!" The next morning, when Guiseppe comes down the
stairs, Giovanni is waiting. "Hey-a, Guiseppe!" shouts Giovanni. "How-a many
times-a last-a night?” Guiseppe holds up five fingers. "Five-a times!" he
announces proudly. "Wow!" shouts Giovanni. “Magnifico!"

The following morning, Giovanni is standing at the foot of the stairs when
Guiseppe comes down. "Hey-a, Guiseppe!" cries Giovanni. "How-a many
times-a last-a night?”

Guiseppe holds up eight fingers proudly. "Eight-a times!" he says. "Eight-a

times?" screams Giovanni. "You have to tell-a me, how-a you do it eight-a
times!”

"It is-a simple.‘“ says Guiseppe, pushing his hips backwards and forwards,
backwards and forwards, and counting, "One-a, two-a, three-a …!”
In a small Village in southern Italy, Giovanni and Maria get married. But
Giovanni lives in a small cottage with all his family, so the young couple have to
spend their wedding night sleeping in the same room as everybody else. In the
middle of the night, Giovanni and Maria start to make love, but suddenly Maria
cries, "Ah! Giovanni, it hurts-a too much!”

"Really?" says Giovanni. "Okay, I will-a go to the cupboard and put-a little olive
oil on-a my noodle." So he gets up, steps over his father, his mother, his sister, his
grandfather and grandmother, and finally gets to the cupboard. He puts a little
oil on his prick and then goes back to Maria.

But after a few minutes, Maria cries again, "Ah! Giovanni, remember I am-a
virgin! It hurts-a too much.”

"Okay," says Giovanni, "I will put-a some more olive oil on-a my noodle." So he
climbs over his father, mother, sister, grandmother and grandfather and puts
some more oil on his prick. Then he goes back to Maria.

But the same thing happens again. This time, Giovanni has climbed over
everyone and got to the cupboard, when suddenly his grandfather sits up in bed
and shouts, "Hey, Maria! Go easy on-a the olive Oil". What-a the hell will we
use-a for cooking tomorrow - Giovanni’s prick?”

It is Thanksgiving weekend, the big national holiday in America, and at the

Sons of Columbus annual picnic, Grandpa Risotto gets up and makes an
announcement.

"And-a now, " he says, "for the winner of the grand-a prize! This beautiful apple
pie baked by Mrs. Alucchi!”

Grandad Piesta is sitting at the back of the picnic a little drunk, and shouts out,
“Fuck Mrs. Alucchi.”

"Ah!" says Grandpa Risotto. "That's-a second prize!”

It is Ronald Reagan's birthday, and Nancy wants to make him his favorite
spaghetti sauce for dinner.

So she goes to Giovanni’s shop and asks for some tomatoes. "Sorry," says
Giovanni, "we have-a no tomatoes.”
"But you must have tomatoes," insists Nancy. "It is Ronnie's birthday, and I want
to make his favorite spaghetti sauce.”

"Sorry," repeats Giovanni, "we have-a no tomatoes.”

"But that's ridiculous," whines Nancy. "Can't you call your wife, Maria? Maybe
she has some tomatoes?”

"Look," insists Giovanni, "we have-a no tomatoes!" But Nancy keeps on

whining. "Okay!" shouts Giovanni. "Tell-a me something. What do you get-a
when you take the pine out of pineapple?”

"Apple," replies Nancy. "Right!" says Giovanni. "And what do you get-a when
you take the ‘gr' out of grape?”

"Ape," says Nancy. "Good!" says Giovanni. "And what do you get-a when you
take the ‘fuck’ out of tomatoes?” Nancy pauses, and then says, "But there is no
‘fuck’ in tomatoes.” Giovanni screams, "That is-a what I've been trying to tell
you!”

Luigi is sitting with his teenage son, Spagnoli. "What-a do you want-a for your
birthday, my son?" Luigi proudly asks his son. "I wanna watch," says Spagnoli.

"Okay," shrugs Luigi. "It is-a okay with me if it is okay with-a your mother.”

Luigi gets home to Italy from his holiday in California. He is very depressed,
and his friend Alfonso asks him, "What's the matter? You no like-a California?”

"Mama mia!" replies Luigi. "What a nightmare! I go-a to California and stay at
the Pope and Pasta Hotel in Palm Springs. In the morning, I go-a to breakfast. I
tell-a the waiter, ‘I want two pissis of toast.’ He bring-a me only one piss.

"I say, ‘I want-a two piss.’ He say, ‘Go to the bathroom.’ I say, ‘You no
understand. I wanna piss on the plate.’ He say, ‘You no piss on the plate, you
son-of-a-bitch!’

"Later, I have-a lunch. The waitress brings me a knife and a spoon, but no fock.
I tell her, ‘I wanna fock.’ She tell me, ‘Everyone wanna fock.’ I say, ‘You no
understand, I wanna fock on the table.’ She say, ‘You no gonna fock on the
table, you son-of-a-bitch!’
“So I go-a back to my hotel room, and there are no shits on my bed. I call-a the
manager and tell him, ‘I wanna shit.’ He say, ‘Go to the bathroom.’ I say, ‘You
no understand, I wanna shit on my bed.’ He say, ‘You no gonna shit on the bed,
you son-of-a-bitch!’

"So, I'm-a finished. I go-a to check out, and the man at the desk say, ‘Happy
holidays, and peace on you.’

"I say, ‘Piss on you too, you son-of-a-bitch, I go-a home!’”

Giovanni is holding his head in despair. "It-a is a tragedy!" he exclaims to his

friend, Luigi. "Why-a?" asks Luigi. "I come-a home last night, and what do I
see?" says Giovanni. "My wife is-a in bed with a Chinese!”

"Really? What did-a you say?" asks Luigi. "What could I say?" shouts Giovanni
crazily. "I don't-a speak Chinese!”

Giovanni comes home early one day and finds his wife Sofia in bed with Luigi,
the carpenter. Sofia screams; Luigi screams. Then Giovanni runs to the closet,
pulls out his pistol, and faces his wife. Then he puts the barrel of the gun to his
forehead. "Oh, no! Oh, no! Poor Giovanni," cries Sofia. "Don't do that!”

Giovanni smirks at her and says, "Don't feel sorry for me, you STRONZA! You
are gonna to be the next!”

When pretty Angela Carrotti goes out on her first date, her parents tell her to be
home by nine o'clock. She gets in at nine-fifteen with her hair messed up and
her make-up smeared. Momma Carrotti asks her how the evening was. Angela
rolls up her eyes and says breathlessly, "Mamma mia!”

The next night, Angela goes out again with the same boyfriend. Her parents tell
her to be back by nine. At ten-thirty Angela gets home with her clothes
disheveled and her hair in tangles. Poppa Carrotti tells her off for being so late
and asks her if she has had fun. Rolling her eyes up, Angela says, "Mamma
mia!”

The following night, Angela gets home at two in the morning. Momma and
Poppa are furious. "So!" cries Momma. "Now what-a you have to say for
yourself ?” Angela looks down and says, "Me-a mamma!”
Feenie and Frankie, two Italian school friends, graduate from college at the same
time. Feenie's dad gives his son a solid gold wristwatch, and Frankie gets a pearl-
handled pistol from his father. The friends meet and admire each other's
presents so much that they decide to trade them. That evening at dinner,
Frankie checks the time. "Where did you get-a that gold watch?” asks his father.

He listens to Frankie's story with a look of disbelief on his face. "Whassa matter
with you?" shouts his dad. "Some day you get-a married. And some day you
find-a your wife in bed with another guy. And what are you gonna do? Look at
your watch and say-a, ‘Hey! How long you gonna be?’”

Sluggo, the deaf-mute gangster, is discovered to be stealing money regularly

from the local Mafia godfather. Sluggo runs to the priest and begs in sign-
language for protection.

Father Finger agrees to protect him, then arranges a meeting with the Mafia
godfather. The Mafia boss, upon seeing Sluggo, becomes so enraged that he
pulls out his pistol, puts it against Sluggo's head and says to Father Finger, "Tell
him that if he does not say where that million dollars is, I will finish him right
here!”

"Did you say one million dollars?" asks Father Finger. "Yeah, that's right,"
shouts the fuming gang-lord, waving his gun madly. "Now tell him to talk, or
die!”

Finger turns to Sluggo and signs him a message. The deaf-mute, trembling with
fear, signs back to the priest that the money is hidden in a cardboard box in the
basement of his apartment building.

"Really?" exclaim‘s Father Finger aloud. "Well?" roars the Mafia godfather.
"What the hell is he saying?”

"He says," replies Father Finger quietly, "that you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger!”

Young Maria Spumoni is getting married tomorrow.

So, she comes to her mother as all good Catholic Virgin girls are expected.
"Mama," says Maria, "I have-a to ask-a you something…”
"Yes-a," interrupts her mother. "I know-a, my little tesoro. That's-a why-a your
mama is here. So let-a me tell you from my experience. Now that-a you have a
man, treat-a him nice. On-a your first-a night, Oh blessed Virgin Mary! the
things you will-a do. It will-a change your whole life-a… “

"No, no, mama," cries Maria quickly. "I already know-a how to fuck, I just want
to know how to make-a spaghetti!”

Luigi's wife has just died, and as the funeral party is leaving the graveyard, Luigi
is making a terrible scene. "What am I-a gonna do?" he cries, tearing at his hair.
"What am I-a gonna do?”

"My son," says father Garibaldi, the priest, "I know you have suffered a terrible
loss, but you will get over it in time." And he starts leading Luigi towards the
exit. "What am I-a gonna do?" sobs Luigi. "What am I-a gonna do?”

“Just try to control yourself,” replies the priest. "Time will pass, you will get over
your grief and maybe in a year or two, you will meet a young woman and get
married again, and everything will be fine!”

"Si, father, I know all that!" says Luigi, "but what am I-a gonna do tonight?”

Salvatore goes to see his doctor because his wife keeps on having children.
Doctor Fig gives him a condom and tells him to follow the instructions and his
wife will have no more children. A month later, Salvatore is back. "My wife-a is
pregnant again!" he explains.

"Did you follow the instructions like I said?" asks Doctor Fig. "Sure, Doc," says
Salvatore, "it say-a: ‘Stretch-a over the organ before the intercourse.’ Well, we
no gotta organ, so I stretch-a it over my violin!”

Mrs. Zambini goes to visit a medium. "Can you talk with the dead?" she asks. "I
can do everything!" replies the medium, "card reading, fortune telling, astrology,
crystal ball, seances, pendulum… What do you want?”

"I want to speak with my grandmother who died in Milano," explains Mrs.
Zambini. The medium sits her down and turns out the lights. There is silence
and then the sound of the wind and the medium goes into a trance. Suddenly
there is a voice: "This is your grandmother, darling!”
"Oh, Granny," cries Mrs. Zambini", "How is everything with you?”

"It is beautiful here," replies Granny. "How is Grandad?" asks Mrs. Zambini.
"He is very happy," replies Granny. There is the noise of wind and then Granny
speaks again, "I must go now darling.”

"Oh, Granny," cries Mrs. Zambini, "I just have one more question.”

"Yes, darling, ask it," replies Granny. "Tell me," asks Mrs. Zambini, "where the
hell did you learn English?”

Luigi is a guide at the Vatican. One day he is conducting a party of tourists

around the papal palace, the home of Pope the Polack. "If you look-a to your-a
left," says Luigi, “you see-a a large-a window. That's-a the pope-a's study.”

"Gee," says one of the tourists, "I do wish we could catch a glimpse of His
Holiness the pope himself.”

"Right," says Luigi. Stooping down he picks up a large stone and hurls it
through the window. A face immediately appears behind the broken glass, red
with rage and shouting incoherent Polish. "There you are!" exclaims Luigi,
"that-a always gets the old-a goat.”

A smart New York career girl marries Stefano, a handsome young Italian
farmer. She is not too happy with his social manners, and starts trying to
improve him immediately. Throughout the wedding reception she continuously
corrects his mistakes, telling him what to say, which knife to use at the table, and
how to pass the butter.

Finally, the celebrations are over, and they are in bed at last. Stefano fidgets
between the sheets, unsure of himself, but finally he turns towards his new wife
and stutters, "Could you pass the pussy, please?”

Late on Friday afternoon the foreman tells Enrico that he is going to have to
work late. So Enrico asks his friend, Gondolfo, to stop at the house and tell his
wife, Lucia. Gondolfo knocks on the door and Lucia opens it. "Your old man is
not coming home till late," says Gondolfo. "How about we go up-a the stairs
and make-a screw?” Lucia is shocked and tries to slam the door. "I give-a you
fifty bucks!" pleads Gondolfo. "How dare you?" shrieks Lucia.
"A hundred then," says Gondolfo. "Well," says Lucia, "it would not be right.”

"Come on, two hundred dollars," says Gondolfo, "just for half an hour and
Enrico will-a never know." Lucia takes the money and Gondolfo has the time of
his life. When Enrico gets home late, he asks his wife, "Did my friend Gondolfo
tell-a you I work-a late?”

"Yes," replies Lucia, "he stop-a here for a minute.”

"And I hope-a," says Enrico, "that he give-a you my wages, two hundred
dollars.”

An Italian ship has been out at sea for months and all the crew is missing the
delight of female company. Everyone is becoming more and more irritable.
Everyone, except the captain. The crew begin to notice that the captain does
not seem to suffer from the same frustrations that they do. So they decide to spy
on him and find out his secret. That night, they creep down to his cabin and
look through the keyhole.They see him enjoying himself with a beautiful and
very lifelike inflatable doll. So when the captain is not in his cabin, they all take
turns to go down and enjoy the favors of this magnificent piece of modern
engineering. When the ship docks in Amsterdam, the captain goes back to the
shop in the red-light district where he bought the doll. "Good morning,
captain," says the attendant. "Are you satisfied with our product?”

"Ah, yes," replies the captain, "She is magnificent! And she is so lifelike that I
even got gonorrhea from her.”

When Herman the male gorilla dies, the zookeeper tries to find a new partner
for Griselda, the female gorilla. Griselda's mating season is almost finished and
the zookeeper is very worried about finding a suitable replacement. Walking
home that evening he sees Luigi, an Italian construction worker, without his
shirt on. Luigi's body is covered with hair. "How would you like to make an easy
thousand dollars?" asks the zookeeper. "Who do you want-a killed?" asks Luigi
suspiciously. "No one, no one," explains the zookeeper, "you just have to make
love with a gorilla in the zoo." Luigi hesitates but then he decides to go to the
zoo to be introduced to Griselda. "Okay," says Luigi, "1 do it on three
conditions.”

"Great," says the zookeeper. "Name them.”

"One," says Luigi: "I only do-a once.”
"Fine," agrees the zookeeper.
"Two," says Luigi: "I no kiss-a her.”
"No problem," says the zookeeper.
"And three," says Luigi: "If there are kids, they must-a be brought up Catholic.”

(FOR THE END OF THIS STORY, SEE CHAPTER 13, POLISH, PAGE
435)

Luigi comes home after eighteen months abroad and is amazed to find his wife,
Carlotta, has a three-week-old baby. Carlotta explains that she dreamt she had
sex with him and she got pregnant. Luigi sues for a divorce, and in court, the
judge is astounded by Carlotta's story. The judge stands up and asks the
audience if anyone ever had intercourse with a ghost.

In the back of the courtroom, Luigi's grandfather raises his hand, and the judge
calls him up to testify. "Now-a," says the judge, "you say-a you had-a intercourse
with a ghost?”

"Ah, scusa," says the old Italian, "I thought-a you say-a goat!”

Luigi takes his pregnant wife to the hospital where she gives birth to twins.
During the delivery, Luigi faints, so according to family tradition his brother
Alfredo is called to name the children. "My brother named the kids?" cries
Luigi, when he recovers, "but my brother is such an idiot! What did he call the
girl?”

"He named the girl Denise," replies the nurse. "Denise, eh?" says Luigi
surprised. "Well, that is not such a bad name. In fact I quite like it. So what did
he call the boy?”

"The boy," sniffs his wife, "he called da' nephew!”

Farelli comes from Italy, opens a restaurant and becomes very successful. He still
practices the simplest form of bookkeeping. He keeps the accounts payable in a
cigar box, accounts due on a spindle, and cash in the register. One day his
youngest son, who has just graduated as an economics major, says to him, “Pa, I
don't see how you run your business this way. How do you know what your
profits are?”
"Well, sonny boy," replies Farelli, "when I got off-a the boat I no have nothing
but-a the pants I was-a wearing. Just-a the pants. Today your brother is a doctor,
your sister is-a the teacher and you just-a graduate.”

"I know, papa, but…”

"Your mama and me have a nice-a car, a nice-a house, a good-a business and
everything is-a paid for. So you add all-a that together, you subtract-a the pants
and that’s-a the profit.”

Bruno Brunello, the Italian, misses a day at work and the foreman wants an
explanation. "Where have you been?" he asks. "It was-a my wife,” says Bruno.
“She give-a birth to a wheelbarrow.”

"If you can't do any better than that, Brunello," snaps the foreman, "I'm gonna
have to fire you.”

"I think-a I got it wrong," says Bruno. "My wife, she's in-a bed having a push
chair.”

"That's it, wise guy," shouts the foreman, "You are fired!”

Bruno goes home and asks his wife, "Hey, what was-a wrong with you
yesterday?”

"I told-a you,” says Maria. “I had-a miscarriage.”

“Shit!” cries Bruno. "I knew it was-a something with-a wheels-a on it.”

Ten years after his arrival in America from Italy, Roselli has saved enough
money from his vegetable business to build a huge house. "I want-a three
bedrooms-a upstairs," he explains to the builder. "Nice big-a staircase leading up
to the bedrooms-a, and right over here next to-a staircase, I want-a hollow
statue.”

Months later, he returns and finds everything to his satisfaction. Then he notices
a statue next to the staircase. "Hey, what's-a matter with you?" shouts Roselli.
"You no understand-a what I tell-a you?”

"Isn't that What you ordered?" asks the builder. "A hollow statue?”
"Are you-a stupid, or something?" cries the Italian. "I want-a one of those
things-a that goes-a ring-a ring. You pick it up and say-a ‘hallo, ’s tat you?’”

Giovanni wants to have a ride on a bicycle so he decides to go and ask his friend
Mario if he can borrow his. On the way he starts to think…

"For sure, Mario will tell me to be careful with the bike, but I will tell him not to
worry; then he will tell me that his sister wants to use it, but I will tell him that I
will be back in time; then I know Mario will get scared and tell me it is not the
time of year for riding bikes…”

Meanwhile Giovanni arrives at Mario's house and he looks up to the window

and shouts, "Hey, Mario! Go and fuck yourself, you and your bike!”

Linelli says to his daughter, "I no like-a that Irish boy taking-a you out. He's a-
rough and common and besides he's-a big-a dumbbell.”

"No papa," replies the girl. "Tim is the most clever fella I know.”

“Why you say-a that?” asks her dad. “We have only been dating for nine weeks,"
the daughter replies, "and already he has cured me of that little illness I used to
get every month.”

Orelli is arrested for murder, but bribes a member of the jury to hold out for
manslaughter. The jury is out for eight hours, and when it returns the verdict is
for manslaughter. Orelli smiles at the man he has bribed and whispers, "I am
really very grateful. I hope it was not too difficult.”

"It was touch and go," says the man. "The others all wanted to acquit you.”

A lady health inspector, after checking the sanitary conditions in Boccala's

Bakery summons the proprietor. "Listen," she complains.

"One of the bakers back there is throwing the dough against his bare chest to
flatten it out for pizzas!”

"That's-a not-a so bad-a," says Boccala. "You should-a be here yesterday when
he make-a the doughnuts!”
On an Italian airplane flying over the ocean, the pilot tells the passengers to
enjoy the flight and that they can expect to reach their destination in four hours.
Three hours later the captain has another announcement. "Folks," he says, "I
have got-a good-a news and-a bad-a news. First the bad-a news: We are-a lost.
Now the good-a news: we are-a making hella-va good-a time!”

One evening Giovanni jumps up from the dinner table. "I’m-a leaving home,"
he shouts to his parents. "I want-a wine, women, adventure.” His old father gets
up out of his chair. "And don't-a you try to stop me," cries Giovanni. "Who's
trying to stop-a you?" exclaim's the old man. "I'm-a coming with you!”

Sitting on a bus in New York, a prim old lady is shocked to overhear an Italian
say to another, "Emma come-a first. I come-a next. Two ass-a come-a together.
I come-a again. Two ass-a come-a together again. I come-a once more. Peepee
twice. Then I come-a for the last time.”

When the Italian is finished, the red faced old maid turns to a policeman sitting
nearby, and says, "Are you not going to arrest that terrible old man?”

"What for?" asks the policeman. "For spelling Mississippi?"


23. GREEK
It is possible, when you have a hearty laugh, mind stops, because mind cannot laugh. It is
structured seriously its function is to be serious, miserable, sick. The moment you laugh, it does
not come from your mind, it comes from the beyond, from your very inner spirit. According to
me, all the religions have missed one of the dimensions of the greatest importance, a sense of
humor. And they have made the whole world serious.

I want my people to fill the world with laughter joy, songs, and dances. We are not seeking for
any paradise - we are seeking how to create the paradise, herenow because we are not interested
in things after death. If we can create a paradise herenow, certainly we will be able - even if
we meet in hell - to create the paradise there.

All my people are condemned by all the religions, so I hope we will be reaching hell. But they
are to be warned, “Don't send my people to hell, because they will turn the hell into a far better
paradise than you have with your old, dirty and dry saints who cannot even smile!”

I trust absolutely that when a million sannyasins enter into hell with their guitars
and songs and dances and jokes the whole quality and the whole atmosphere of hell is going to
be changed - I think even the devil will join you! He will become a sannyasin: Swami Anand
Devil!

A young woman is going to marry a Greek man. The night before the wedding,
her mother takes her aside. "Now look," the mother tells her daughter, "Greeks
are a little strange. If he ever tells you to turn over, I want you to get out of bed,
pack your clothes and come back home to me.”

So the couple get married and everything is fine for the first two years.

Then one night, while they are in bed, the man says to the woman,
"Sweetheart, roll over now.”

She gets very upset, gets out of bed, puts her clothes on and starts packing her
suitcase.

As she's ready to leave, the confused man says, "Darling, wait a minute. What is
the matter?”

Holding her tears back, she says: "My mother told me that you Greek men are
strange, and that if you ever told me to roll over I was to get my clothes on,
leave you and go home to her.”

"But honey," says the man, "don't you want children?”

THE FOLLOWING JOKES ABOUT BISHOP KRETIN, REFER TO THE
ARCHBISHOP OF CRETE WHO WAS INSTRUMENTAL IN HAVING
OSHO DEPORTED FROM THE ISLAND. THE BISHOP THREATENED
VIOLENCE TO OSHO AND HIS HOUSEHOLD - SUCH AS
DYNAMITING THE HOUSE WHERE THEY WERE LIVING - WHILE
OSHO WAS STAYING QUITE LEGALLY AS A TOURIST IN GREECE.

THE ARCHBISHOP ALSO THREATENED TO TAKE HIS WHOLE

CONGREGATION ON A DEMONSTRATION AGAINST OSHO. BUT
WHEN OSHO MADE SOME INQUIRIES ABOUT THE SIZE OF THE
CONGREGATION, IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT IT CONSISTED OF
SIX OLD LADIES!

Bishop Kretin has a small church on the Greek island of Crete. One of the
rules of his Greek Orthodox Church is that he cannot hold a church service
with less than six people present. Since Kretin only has six old ladies in his
congregation, this rule is beginning to cause him some anxiety.

Sure enough, one Sunday morning only five old ladies show up - Old Mrs.
Theocrapolis has dropped dead the night before, while saying her prayers. So
Bishop Kretin has an idea. "Perhaps we can get a passerby to join us," he
announces, "to make up the sixth person.”

He sends off Old Mrs. Suflaki to try and find somebody. "Remember, Mrs.
Suflaki," shouts Bishop Kretin, "anyone will do - man or woman!”

Mrs. Suflaki shuffles down the street in her black dress, black shoes and black
head scarf, looking for a passing tourist. She runs right into Herman the
German who has just arrived for his summer holidays.

"Hey! Mister!" croaks the old Greek lady. "How would you like to be the sixth
man?”

"Mein Gott!" cries Herman. "I would not even want to be the first!”

It is nine o'clock in the morning, in the Glorious Endings funeral parlor on the
little Greek island of Crete. Papa Acidophilus, the undertaker, hears the phone
ring and picks it up.

"This is Bishop Kretin," says the voice at the other end. "There has been an
accident at the Holy Orthodox Church of Our Blessed Bleeding Virgin. I am
sending over the church janitors, Rastus and Leroy, with the dead body
immediately!”

"Right!" says Papa Acidophilus. "I will get the formaldehyde ready!" He puts
down the phone and dashes off into his embalming room, rubbing his hands
with glee.

Three hours later, Rastus and Leroy come in carrying Old Mrs. Suflaki, who is
as dead as a dodo. “Jesus Christ!" shouts Papa Acidophilus, looking at his watch
and shaking his fist. "Bishop Kretin called me three hours ago. What took you
guys so long?”

"Sorry, boss," drawls Leroy, "but we had to wait until the good bishop had
finished preaching to find out which one of the old ladies was dead!”

It is Sunday afternoon at the Holy Orthodox Church of the Blessed Bleeding

Virgin on the Greek island of Crete. Bishop Kretin is preaching a sermon to the
remaining four old ladies in his flock.

"And I am telling you," thunders Kretin, "that the morals of today are being
horribly corrupted. Just yesterday I went to see a movie called BAMBI GOES
BERSERK, which is filled with disgusting scenes of murder, rape, fornication,
cannibalism, homosexuality and other perversions of the worst kind! If
anything shows the need for censorship, then this movie is it! Now, ladies, are
there any questions?”

"Yes," cry all the old hags, in unison. "Where is it playing?”

One afternoon on the little Greek island of Crete, the local theatrical group is
performing the famous Greek drama, "Eat-a-Puss Rex.” Young Spiro Sphincter,
an amateur Greek actor, gets a small part in the play. He only has to come onto
the stage, approach a beautiful girl lying on a bed, and say the words: “I would
love to kiss your lips and steal away!” But on the opening night Sphincter is
really nervous. He comes onto the stage, his knees shaking, he stumbles over to
the girl in the bed, and stutters, "I would love to kiss your… I would love to kiss
your but his mind goes blank. He tries again. "I would love to kiss your…”
Suddenly, someone in the back jumps up and shouts out, “Pussy!"

Instantly, Old Mrs. Acreepolis, sitting in the audience, has a severe stroke and
falls over dead. The next day at her funeral, in The Holy Orthodox Church of
the Blessed Bleeding Virgin, Bishop Kretin, who has now got only three old
ladies left in his flock, swears revenge! "We have got to stamp out this kind of
filth!" cries Kretin. "I am going to put a stop to this moral decay!” So that
evening at the theater, Kretin is sitting at the side of the stage with a loaded
shotgun on his knee and a stick of dynamite in his pocket, looking mean and
menacing. Sure enough, in the second act of the play, the young actor Sphincter
comes bounding onto the stage, stumbles over to the girl in the bed, and
announces, "I am going to kiss your… I am going to kiss your…” But again his
mind goes blank. There is a ripple of light laughter from the audience, and
immediately Bishop Kretin jumps to his feet and cocks his gun. "All right,
everybody," screams Kretin’, “I will blow the head off the first son-of-a-bitch
who says ‘pussy’!"

Late one evening on the little Greek island of Crete, old Mrs. Lilypopolis is
weeping into her black handkerchief, mourning the recent death of her old
friend Mrs. Acreepolis.

"Ohhh!" wails old Mrs. Lilypopolis to Bishop Kretin who is holding her hand,
"God is so unjust! He is knocking off us old ladies one by one. I must say, Bishop
Kretin, that my faith in the Blessed Bleeding Virgin is beginning to wobble.”

"Don't worry my child," comforts Bishop Kretin, impatiently. "You are only
ninety-seven years old, you have lots of life in you still. Just pray to God
Almighty and everything will be fine.”

But over the next few days, old Mrs. Lilypopolis gets freaked out. She starts
looking around for something else to strengthen her faith. One night she is
wandering around the streets of the Village and finds herself in Madam
Goggle's fortune telling parlor.

"I have been a Blessed Bleeding Virgin Christian all my life," says old Mrs.
Lilypopolis, "and you are a spiritualist and a pagan - but I have come to you
because I have lost faith in Bishop Kretin. I come to you in the hope of
receiving the answer to one question.”

Madam Goggle nods her head and closes her eyes, lapsing into a deep trance.
“Go ahead," she says in a spiritual voice, "tell me your question.”

“I want to know," says old lady Lilypopolis, "when I die, will I go to heaven - I
mean my Christian heaven - to be reunited with my friends, Mrs. Suflaki, Mrs.
Theocrapolis and Mrs. Acreepolis, in the glory of eternal paradise?” After some
time in a deep trance, Madam Goggle opens her eyes and speaks, "I have asked
the sacred ones if you will go to heaven," moans Madam Goggle. "And their
answer is… their answer is…” And the old fortune teller rubs her thumb and
fore-finger together under the old Greek woman’s nose.

"Oh, yes!" cries old Mrs. Lilypopolis, fumbling in her purse and bringing out a
handful of money. She puts it on the table and then Madam Goggle continues.

"Well, there is some good news and some bad news. First the good news… Yes,
Mrs. Lilypopolis, because you have been such a good person you will be
transported by the heavenly angels to paradise - to the Golden Throne in the
skies. And there you will remain throughout eternity with all the other blessed
virgins, sitting on God's knee.”

"Oh!" cries old Mrs. Lilypopolis, “Oh, I am completely overwhelmed!”

"Wait!" continues Madam Goggle. "And the bad news is…”

"But, Madam Goggle!" interrupts the old lady. "After such wonderful GOOD
news, what news could possibly be BAD?”

"Well," says Madam Goggle, "the bad news is - you will be going there
TONIGHT!”

At two o'clock on a Sunday morning, on the little Greek island of Crete, the
phone rings at the bedside of Doctor Siffolis. "Ah, Doctor!" croaks the voice of
old Mrs. Helluvamess. “I am sick! And I have to go to Bishop Kretin’s church
service today. Can you give me something for a headache?”

Doctor Siffolis clambers out of his bed and walks over to the house next-door to
give the old lady an aspirin. "Now, shut up and go to sleep - you old
hypochondriac!" shouts Doctor Siffolis, and he goes back to bed.

An hour later, the phone rings again. "Ah! Doctor!" wheezes Mrs. Helluvamess.
"Can you give me something for stomachache?”

Siffolis drags himself out of bed and takes the old lady a bottle of prune juice.
"Now go to sleep!" says the doctor. "And leave me alone!”

But half an hour later, there is a pounding on his door. “Ah! Doctor!” wails the
old lady. "Can you give me something for my bladder?”
"Go away — you pest!" shouts Siffolis. “Just let me get some peace!” There is a
muffled groan at the door, a loud thump, and then silence. Worried by the
silence, Doctor Siffolis gets up and goes to investigate. Sure enough, there on the
doorstep, as dead as a dodo, lies the body of old Mrs. Helluvamess. But as the
doctor reaches down to drag her body inside, he has a heart attack and
collapses, dead as a dodo. Two days later, Bishop Kretin leads a double funeral
at the little cemetery of the Holy Orthodox Church of the Blessed Bleeding
Virgin. With old Mrs. Metaxa, the last remaining member of his faithful flock,
Kretin buries the bodies of old Mrs. Helluvamess and Doctor Siffolis, side by
side. That night, six feet beneath the ground in the churchyard, there is a
sudden knock on the side of Doctor Siffolis's coffin. "Ah, Doctor!" comes a
ghastly voice. "Holy shit!" cries the doctor. "What is it now?”

"Ah, Doctor!" croaks the old woman. "Can you give me something for worms?”

One afternoon, on the little Greek island of Crete, Bishop Kretin is visiting old
Mrs. Metaxa, his last remaining church member. "Oh, dear," cries old lady
Metaxa, fanning herself and feeling faint. "I am so worried, Your Holiness. All
our congregation are gone. There is only me and you left - what are we going to
do?”

"Don't worry, my child," replies Kretin, pouring the old lady a cup of tea.
"Nothing can happen to us. God is taking care." Just then there is the smell of
smoke in the room, and a voice from downstairs cries - "Fire! Fire! Everyone run
for your lives!”

Freaked out, the bishop and old Mrs. Metaxa get up and run for the window as
huge flames suddenly engulf the apartment. They get out on the window ledge
ten stories up, and hang there by their fingertips, calling for help. At that
moment, Old Saint Plato, the Greek Orthodox angel, appears before the two
good Christians dangling in the air, as the flames burn closer. "I can help you
out of your trouble,” announces the ancient angel. "I can grant you one wish
each - you can choose wherever you would like to be!”

Immediately Mrs. Metaxa cries out, "Ah! I wish I was relaxing peacefully at the
church of the Blessed Bleeding Virgin!”

"Okay," says Old Saint Plato, shaking his head. "If that is what you want!" And,
POOF! - a new gravestone appears in the churchyard, inscribed: "Rest in Peace
- Mrs. Metaxa.” Then, Saint Plato turns to Bishop Kretin. "And what about
you, bishop? Where would you like to be?”
Just at that moment, a bird flies over and shits right in Bishop Kretin’s eye.
"Ah!" cries Kretin, "bloody hell!”

Just the other day I found out that one archbishop of Greece has been caught at the Paris
airport, hiding a large amount of heroin in his religious paraphernalia. I was deported from
Greece and I was just a tourist. I was going to be there for only two weeks more; I had already
been there two weeks. I was deported on the demand of the archbishop, the highest authority of
the Greek Orthodox church, on the grounds that my presence in Greece will destroy its tradition,
will destroy its religion, will destroy its morality.

I could not believe that we are living in the twentieth century. I had not even left my house, the
compound. And if a religion, a morality, a church, twenty centuries old - because the Greek
church is the oldest church as far as Christianity is concerned - can be destroyed by a tourist in
two weeks’ time, is it worth saving?

24. RUSSIAN
Just to end up this beautiful moment… I always like to leave you laughing, singing, dancing.
This is just an indication that the day when I ultimately leave you, I would like you to sing,
dance and celebrate.

In fact no man in the whole of history would have received such a celebration when he dies as I
am going to receive. A few have received celebration only from enemies, because when one dies,
enemies celebrate. The friends mourn.

I am the only person… in my death my friends will celebrate, my enemies will celebrate. In my
death they will come together in celebration. There has never been such a man before.

One day, Joseph Stalin wants to find out what the people of Russia REALLY
think about him. So he disguises himself with a big black beard and an overcoat
and goes out into the streets of Moscow. He walks around for a while and then
goes into a favorite communist pub, the Czar's Head.

He walks up to the bar, orders a double vodka and begins to sip it slowly. Then
he turns to the man next to him, Comrade Popova, and casually asks, "Tell me,
comrade, what do you think of Joseph Stalin?”

Comrade Popova turns white, looks over both shoulders, grabs Stalin by the
arm, and whispers, "Are you crazy? We can't talk here - follow me!”

The two Russians go outside through the back door, into the quiet back street.
Popova looks around frantically, then leads Stalin into a dark alley. Then Popova
looks around and says, "We are still not safe here! These walls have ears! Come
with me.”

He takes Stalin through a maze of unlit passages and side streets before arriving
at a small, hidden garden. They climb over the fence, and finally crouch behind
some bushes.

"Okay," says Popova, "we can talk here. You want to know what I think of
Joseph Stalin?”

"That's right," replies Stalin. "Well," says Popova, "I could not say it in the pub,
but personally… I LIKE the guy!”

After Brezhnev's death, the central committee of the Communist Party meet to
choose his successor. After his unanimous election as general secretary, Uri
Andropov, the former chief of the secret police announces:
"Very well, comrades, now that you have voted, you may lower your arms and
come away from the wall.”

Giovanni, the Italian, George, the Englishman, and Ivan, the terrible Russian,
are working for the United Nations Army in Africa, when they are captured by
cannibals.

Chief Boonga, the cannibal leader, tells the men that they can have one last
request before they get thrown into the cooking pot.

"I-a want a plate of spaghetti!" says Giovanni.

"I would like a bottle of beer, please," says George.
“Just give me a kick in the ass," says Ivan.
Giovanni gets his spaghetti, George gets his beer, and Chief Boonga walks over
to Ivan and gives him an enormous kick in the rear-end. Immediately, Ivan pulls
out a gun from his pocket, and shoots all the cannibals.
"I say!" exclaims George. “Jolly good show!”
"Mamma mia!" shouts Giovanni. "But what took-a you so long?”
"Well," explains Ivan, "being a good Russian, I could not attack until I was
provoked!”

Russian Radio proudly sends out a bulletin to the communist world. "Our great
athlete, Ivan Ivanovich," says the radio announcer, "has just smashed all existing
records for the two-hundred-yard dash, the high jump, the long jump, the mile
run, the five-mile run, and the marathon. He overcame a blizzard, a range of
mountains and complete lack of water.

“Unfortunately, our great athlete's performance was in vain. He was captured

and brought back to Russia!”

Olga Omsky, a Russian housewife, is the envy of all her neighbors, because she
always has a plentiful supply of fresh vegetables and fruit. One day, one of her
neighbors is visiting her.

"Tell me, comrade Olga," asks the neighbor, "how do you manage it?”

"It is quite simple," explains Olga, "I have a parrot which I have trained to
speak. Whenever I go to the market, the parrot sits on the handle of my
shopping cart. I leave the cart in the middle of the market, and when the parrot
starts squawking, ‘Long live communism!’ everyone throws at it whatever they
can get their hands on!”

At the Russian Intercontinental Nuclear Missile Control Center, a drunken

soldier is dusting the missile control panel. Suddenly an enraged Russian
general comes puffing and panting into the room. "What are you doing, you
son-of-a-bitch?" he shouts.

“I am dusting the control panel,” hiccups the soldier drunkenly. “Okay," snaps
the general, “then where the hell has England gone?”

Gorbachev is intent upon really getting rid of the memory of Joseph Stalin. So
he orders Stalin’s bones to be removed from his grave in the little village in the
Caucasus, and tries to find some other country where Stalin can be buried.

Gorbachev calls up Margaret Thatcher in London, and asks her if Stalin can be
buried in England. "Sorry, old chap," replies Thatcher, "we already have Karl
Marx buried here. Two big-time communists would be too much and too many
for us!”

Then Gorbachev dials East Berlin, and asks if Stalin can be buried there.
"Sorry, comrade,” says Helmut Hamburger, the government spokesman, "but
we already have Adolf Hitler buried here. Two such tyrants in one place would
be too much for us.”

But Rubin Rosenbaum, from the Israeli government, hears of Gorbachev's

problem and phones the Kremlin. "Since Stalin fought against the Nazis," says
Rubin, "we agree to bury him here, in Jerusalem.”

"Thanks," replies Gorbachev "but NO THANKS! We cannot risk another idiot

getting resurrected!”

Igor and Becky Ivanovich, a Moscow couple, keep a parrot called Boris in their
apartment.

Boris likes to cry, "Down with communism!" at the top of his voice, and one day
the neighbors hear him and report him to the KGB. When the police arrive,
Igor quickly hides Boris in the freezer. The KGB officers search everywhere
throughout the apartment and cannot find anything. But just before they leave,
one of them decides to have a look in the freezer and finds a frozen Boris. When
Boris finally thaws out he starts shouting at the top of his voice: "Hooray for
Gorbachev! Long live communism!" The KGB men are very happy and leave
the apartment.

When they are gone, Igor grabs Boris. "I don't understand," says Igor. "Why did
you suddenly start praising communism?”

"Look," replies Boris, "you would do the same if you had just returned from
Siberia!”

In Leningrad, in Soviet Russia, the Jehovah's Witnesses have been allowed to

build their own special church called The Kingdom Hall. At the first service,
there is a lot of hooting, shouting, fainting, preaching and sermonizing before
the service finally comes to an end. Perspiring, old Grandma Botovitch, shuffles
up to the front of The Kingdom Hall. She prostrates herself under a huge
statue of Jesus nailed to the cross, and then lifts her head and plants a big wet
kiss on Christ's feet. Officer Molotov, of the KGB, has been watching Grandma
Botovitch closely from behind a curtain. He marches over to the old woman and
says, "Would you kiss the feet of our great leader, Mikhail Gorbachev like that?”

"Sure," replies Grandma. "If you nailed him up like this!”

Ziggy Zoldoz, a Russian citizen, is condemned to a jail sentence of fifteen years

for calling Comrade Gorbachev the Communist Party Chairman, an idiot.
Bernie Beanball, the foreign correspondent for the NEW AGE TIMES, asks a
government official why Ziggy's sentence is so severe. "Surely," says Bernie, "the
jail sentence for personal insults is never more than twelve months?”

"That's right," snaps the party man, "but he was not condemned for insults. He
was convicted for revealing a state secret!”

Comrade Gorbachev has heard rumors that his policies are being discussed in
Poona, India, so he decides to go and check it out. When his plane arrives at
Poona airport, the Indian Army is there to welcome him. As Gorbachev steps
off the plane, the military guard of honor fires off the traditional twenty-one
gun salute. "What were those shots?" asks Swami Deva Coconut, standing in the
crowd. "Gorbachev has arrived!" says the man next to him. "Really?" replies
Coconut. "You mean they could not get him with just one shot?"

25. CHINESE
It is time for Sardar Gurudayal Singh.

Put the lights on! I love to see my people laughing. I am absolutely against seriousness, but
unfortunately I have to discuss serious things. But it is good to make you first serious, then
laughter comes more easily. Then it gives a great relaxation.

At ten o'clock in the morning, the phone rings in the office of Doctor Floss, the
dentist. "Hello!" says Floss. "Hello!" says Wu, the Chinaman. "What time you
fixee teeth for me?”

"Two-thirty," replies Floss. “Alright?"

"Yes," says Wu. "Tooth hurtee, alright! But what time you fixee?”

Pope the Polack gets an invitation from the Chinese government to spend
twenty million dollars on a ten-day tour of China. He is the first pope ever to
make the trip to China, and is amazed to find that nobody there knows anything
about Christianity.

The Polack pope makes a great effort to explain to Prime Minister Wu, his host
- who speaks little English - something of the basics of Christianity.

"You know," says Pope the Polack, spreading his arms wide, and rolling his eyes,
“you must have heard about it - man-die-on-cross!”

"Ah! Velly good!" replies Wu. "Yes, me see the movie!”

One morning Nancy Reagan is sorting out the laundry when she comes across
one of Ronald's white shirts. It seems Ronnie's ball-point pen broke, and it
spread a nasty red stain with a dark center on the chest pocket of his shirt.

When Nancy gives the shirt to her Chinese laundryman, Wank, he holds it up,
and looks at the stain for a couple of minutes. Then, shaking his head with
approval, Wank says to Nancy, "Nice shot!”

Wu, the old Chinese waiter at the Mye Long Dong Chinese Restaurant, is
always being teased by Colonel Wimple and his cronies, whenever they come to
eat. Finally, one day, as Wu is serving the dessert and coffee, Colonel Wimple
leans back in his chair, puffs on his big cigar, and announces in a loud voice,
"Okay, Chink'! We have been teasing you for a long time now. So I guess from
now on we will stop playing jokes on you. What do you say?”

The wizened old waiter pauses for a moment, then says with a smile, "Okie
Dokie! You no jokie, me no pee-pee in coffee!”

Wu, the Chinaman, always eats at Plato Salado's Greek restaurant, because
Plato makes such good fried rice. Every night, Wu comes in, sits down, and
orders "flied lice." And every night, Plato collapses laughing when he hears Wu
making his order. Sometimes, Plato even tells all the other customers to be quiet
and listen to Wu asking for his "flied lice.”

Finally, Wu gets really pissed off and decides to practice saying "fried rice"
correctly. The next time Wu goes into Plato's restaurant, he announces very
plainly, "Fried rice, please.”

Plato looks up in shock. "What did you say?" asks the Greek. "You heard what I
said," shouts back Wu. "You flucking Gleek plick!”

Wu, a Chinaman from Hong Kong, moves to America and finds a job in San
Francisco. When he gets his first paycheck, he goes to the bank to send fifty
dollars to his family back in Hong Kong. The bank gives him five hundred
Hong Kong dollars in exchange. The next week, when he deposits his fifty
dollars, they give him only four hundred and fifty Hong Kong dollars. "Money
fluctuations…” explains the bank clerk, "it goes up and down all the time.”

When Wu returns the next week, he puts down his fifty dollars and is told that
he will get four hundred Hong Kong dollars in exchange. "Hmmm!" says Wu.
"Flucked again!”

Fagin Finkelstein, the rich young bachelor, is entertaining Gorgeous Gloria for
dinner in his penthouse. As Wu, his Chinese servant, pours the coffee, Gloria
asks, "Wu, how do you make such delicious coffee?”

"Me take plenty boiled water," explains Wu, "and stir in coffee, velly, velly slow.”

"Yes," says Gloria, "but it is so clear. How do you strain it so cleverly?”

"Me take master's silk socks…” begin's Wu.

"What!" shouts Fagin. "You take my best silk socks to strain the coffee?”

"Oh, no, master," replies Wu. "Me never take master's CLEAN socks.”

The express train is crowded with businessmen on their way to the city. In a
first-class carriage, Mr. Wong is sitting reading the BEIJING TIMES, when a
white-coated waiter comes along the passage with the breakfast trolley.

He stops by Mr. Wong, and says, "You for coffee?”

"No," snaps Wong, "I got first-class ticket. YOU fuck offee!”

A Chinese laundryman living in San Francisco opens a savings account at the

bank and goes regularly to deposit his profits. After several months he has saved
up a considerable sum. One day, he comes into the bank and says that he wants
to withdraw all his money. The clerk is surprised, so the Chinaman explains that
he is about to get married and go on his honeymoon. The manager is called
and tries to persuade the man to just withdraw enough for his immediate
requirements. He also explains that if he takes out all his money, he will lose the
interest. But the Chinaman will not be persuaded and so eventually he walks out
with all his money.

A few weeks later, the bank manager meets the Chinaman on the street and asks
him about his honeymoon and married life. "No good!” says the Chinaman.
“Honeymoon and married life are just like banking - put in, take out, lose
interest.”

A Chinaman in Paris picks up a girl and takes her to his hotel room. He opens
the bedroom window and takes a deep breath. Then, they get into bed together
and make love. After a while the Chinaman says, "Excuse me, I am a little
tired.”

He gets out of the bed, goes over to the window, takes a deep breath. Then he
rolls under the bed and comes out the other side. He jumps into bed and starts
to make love again.

After a while, he gets up sayin'g, "Excuse me, I am a little tired.”

Again, he goes over to the window, and takes a deep breath, then he rolls under
the bed and gets out the other side. He jumps back into bed and starts making
love once more.

When this has happened five times, the girl gets up saying, "Excuse me, I am a
little tired, too." She goes over to the window, takes a deep breath of air, looks
under the bed and finds four Chinamen there.

Inspector Wu, the Chinese private detective, makes his report in a divorce case.
"I climb up tree, so I can see. “He play with she, she play with he. “I play with
me. I fall from tree. “So I can no see… so solly!”

Wu, the Chinaman has a bad case of constipation. He goes to his doctor who
prescribes a course of pills and asks Wu to come back and see him next week.
Wu takes the pills and duly shows up at the doctor's office the next week. "Did
you move yet?" asked the doctor. I "No move yet." replies Wu. So the doctor
prescribes a stronger dose. Wu comes back the following week and the doctor
asks, "Did you move yet?”

"No move yet," replies Wu. So the doctor gives him a huge dose of pills and a
box of suppositories. Next week Wu comes back and the doctor asks, "Did you
move yet?”

"Yes," replies Wu. "Had to move. House full of shit!”

Chinaman Chinks is telling his friend Wu, the barman, about his amazing cure
with Doctor Hak Mee. "But," says Wu, "you were sick for over five months with
some rare, unknown disease. What happened?”

"Ah!" says Chinks, "me velly sick man. So me first call Doctor Yoo Dum. Me
takee his medicine. Me velly more sick. So then me get Doctor Foo Foo. Then
me takee his medicine. Then me VELLY bad - me think me going to die!

So me callee Doctor Hak Mee.”

"Yes! Yes!" exclaims Wu. "Then what happened?”

"Well," says Chinks, "Doctor Hak Mee too busy, no can come. So me get well!”
A Chinaman walks into a bar in a black neighborhood in San Francisco and
says to the black bartender, "How about a jigger, nigger?”

The bartender gets mad and starts to lecture the Chinaman about racism and
how he, being a Chinaman in America, should know better. Finally, the
bartender suggests that they change places to see how the Chinaman feels.

So they change places and the black bartender leaves the bar and comes back
after a couple of minutes. He walks up to the bar exactly as the Chinaman did.
"How about a drink, Chink?" says the black barman.

"So solly!" replies the Chinaman. "We no serve niggers.”

Hymie Goldberg has a tough day at the office and phones Becky to tell her he
will be coming home late. Then he goes out to a Chinese restaurant and orders
a Big Deal Big Meal. As plate after plate comes, Hymie notices that the Chinese
waiter is always smiling and looking happy. "What is there to be so happy
about?" moans Hymie.

"Ah," says the waiter, "I am just thinking about my sex life.”

"And what is so special about your sex life?" asks Hymie.

"Well," says the waiter, "I take my time with sex. I put it in, I say ‘Excuse me,’ I
take it out and go to the kitchen for a glass of rice wine…”

"And that is it?" asks Hymie, amazed.

"No, no," replies the Chinaman. "I just take my time. I put it in. I say, ‘Excuse
me.’ I take it out and go for some refreshment. I go back. I put it in I have a
wonderful time.”

Later when Hymie gets home he decides to give the waiter's idea a try. He starts
making love to Becky. He puts it in. "Excuse me," says Hymie, taking it out, "I
am going to get a glass of seltzer.”

Two minutes later he trots back, puts it in and takes it out again. "Excuse me,
honey,” says Hymie. "I am going to get some blintzes." Just then Becky sits up
in bed. "You know, Hymie," she says, "you are fucking just like a Chinaman."

 26. SHOWBIZ

My experience about laughter is that it is the most purifying, the most healthy, the most
rejuvenating, the most refreshing, and the most total experience. It can be your first experience of
totality. You can laugh totally.

And another beautiful thing about it, it is not only of the mind. Mind may trigger it, but soon
it spreads all over you. It is overwhelming. There are beauties upon beauties as far as laughter
is concerned. When you are laughing, one of the greatest things is that mind cannot think. And
if you are alert, you can experience a space of no-thought, which is the experience of
meditation.

And laughter gives you a childlike innocence. It helps to unburden you of unnecessary
seriousness, which all the religions have been burdening you with. They have taken away even
the smiles from your lips - what to say about laughter? They have been preaching seriousness.
They are afraid, as if God will feel offended if you laugh.

And I cannot conceive of God in any other position, in any other posture, than laughing. If he
exists at all, he must be laughing twenty-four hours at the hilariousness of humanity; because
we don’t know the whole of humanity, we know only a few people here and there. God must be
watching all over humanity, and so many circuses going on.
It is evening in a bar in New York. A young, long-haired boy with a guitar and a
high-pitched nasal voice, is singing "My Old Virginia Home." An old man in
the corner bows down his head and quietly weeps.

A lady sitting near him leans over and says, "Excuse me, old timer, but are you a
Virginian?”

"No, lady," sobs the man. "I'm a musician.”

A young actor has just been hired for his first role in a play being performed on
Broadway. "You have only one line," the director tells him, "but it is an
extremely important one. When you hear the sound of guns going off you say,
“Hark! I hear the cannons roar." Do you understand?”

"Of course," replies the actor confidently, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar! No
problem, I've got it already.”

The following night the theater is packed and the young actor is striding about
backstage repeating over and over, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar.”
Then the audience goes quiet as the play begins. The director signals for the
young man to go out on the stage and the curtain raises. Suddenly a loud
thundering noise rolls through the theater.

The startled actor spins round and shouts, "Shit! What the fuck was that?”

A shy young man with a fine voice is asked to take part in the local play. But he
tries to refuse, saying that he always gets embarrassed under such circumstances.

He is assured it will be very simple, and he will only have one line to say: "I
come to snatch a kiss, and dart into the fray. Hark! I hear a pistol shot.”

And then walk offstage.

At the performance, he comes on-stage, very embarrassed already by the bright

green tights he has been forced to put on at the last minute, and becomes
completely flustered at the sight of the beautiful heroine lying on the garden
seat, in a white gown, awaiting him.

He clears his throat and announces, "I come here to kiss your snatch, no! snatch
a kiss, and fart into the dray - I mean, dart into the fray! Hark! I hear a shistol
pot, no! oh piss on a pot! No, shit! Yes shit! Shit on you all! I never wanted to be
in this fucking play anyway!”

The theatrical agent, trying to sell a new strip act to a nightclub manager, is
carrying on very excitedly about a girl's unbelievable seventy-two, twenty-six,
forty, figure. "What kind of dance does she do?" the manager inquires,
impressed by the description of the girl's figure.

"Well, she doesn't actually dance at all," the agent replies. "She just crawls out
onto the stage and tries to stand up!”

Mendel Kravitz arrives at a cabaret club and asks the doorman who he should
see to get a booking for his singing act. "You should see the concert secretary,"
says the doorman. "By the way, you're not a hypnotist, are you?" Mendel assures
him that he is not, and goes in.

The concert secretary looks up suspiciously and says, "I hope you are not going
to tell me you're a hypnotist, are you?” Mendel assures him he is only a singer,
and is sent to find the organist for a tryout. The organist likes the songs but
looks uneasily at Mendel. "You don't do any side acts by chance, do you?" he
asks. "No hypnotism for instance?”

Mendel is tired of the question and demands an explanation. "Well," says the
organist, "last week we had a hypnotist here. He was so good that he had at least
two hundred of the audience in a trance.”

"What‘s wrong with that?" asks Mendel. "Nothing," continues the organist, "but
half way through his act, he fell over the microphone, stubbed his toe, and
yelled out, ‘Shit.’ The cleaners have only just finished cleaning the hall.”

Rock Hunk, the famous Hollywood movie star, strolls into a bar wearing his
shirt open to the waist, and flexing his muscles. He sees Gorgeous Gloria sitting
alone at the bar, sipping a martini. He strides up to her, leans close and whispers
in her ear, "Hey, baby, I would really love to get into your pants!”

"I am sorry," says Gloria, with a smile, "but I don't think that is possible.”

"Why not?" asks Rock. "Because," says Gloria, standing up to leave, "there is
only enough room in there for one asshole! “
Big Rock Hunk, the famous Hollywood movie star, walks into the lobby of the
exclusive Screwing Sands Hotel and accidentally hits Gorgeous Gloria on the
chest with his elbow.

"I'm extremely sorry," says ROCK, sweetly, "but if your heart is as soft as your
breast, then I am sure you will forgive me.”

"That's all right," replies Gloria, "and if the rest of you is as hard as your elbow,
my room is number thirty-three!”

Gorgeous Gloria starts dating Rock Hunk, the film star, and soon moves into his
penthouse apartment, high above the smog of Los Angeles. One evening,
Gloria comes back from shopping to find that Rock is not at home.

Feeling hungry, she looks in the freezer and finds that it is empty, so she goes out
to eat at a restaurant. By chance, she goes to the same restaurant where Rock is
having a quiet candlelight dinner with Luscious Lucy, another of his girlfriends.
Gloria takes one look at the scene and quickly makes her way towards their
table. Rock Hunk looks up as Gloria comes storming across the restaurant, and
then quickly looks away again as though he does not know her.

"What‘s the matter, darling?" snarls Gloria, as she reaches the table. "Don't you
recognize me with my clothes on?”

Gorgeous Gloria goes to see Robin Meany, the show business agent, and asks
him to see her act. Gloria places a large orange on the floor, and then begins to
do a sensational strip to music. When she is completely naked and the music
reaches its climax, Gloria suddenly sinks to the floor, legs wide apart, on top of
the orange. And when she rises again, the orange has disappeared.

"That is fantastic!" cries Robin. "A real knockout!

I can get you a job in a Paris night club, starting tomorrow.”

"No, not Paris," says Gloria, nervously. So Robin gets her a job in Berlin instead.
Two weeks later, Robin calls Gloria on the phone. "Good news!" he says. "I have
bookings for you in Hamburg, Rome, Cairo and Paris.”

"No! Not Paris'," says Gloria. "What the hell is the matter with Paris, for Christ's
sake," snaps Robin.
"Well, you see, " says Gloria, "in Paris, my mother does the same act with a
water melon!”

Angela Angelovitch, the greatest ballet dancer in living memory, is going to give
her last performance. "Angela," says Petrov, her manager, "for this performance,
you must give everything, EVERYTHING!”

That night, when the curtains are drawn back, Angela is standing on a
platform, high above the stage, wearing a small pair of wings. The orchestra is
playing and Angela leaps into the air and lands gracefully on the stage, to loud
cheers.

Immediately, Angela jumps up and daintily climbs a ladder, and goes even
higher than before. The orchestra plays loudly, and Angela springs into space.
She spins through the air and lands on her tiptoes.

A rope descends and, to thundering applause, Angela is lifted right to the roof.
The drums roll and then there is a deathly hush. Angela jumps. She flies,
spinning through the air, and lands in the middle of the stage with her legs
apart, in a perfect split. The audience is hysterical.

At last, the curtains close and the audience starts to go home. Angela is resting
motionless on the stage. Her legs are still split wide apart.

"Bravo! Encore!" shouts Petrov, her manager, walking onto the stage, clapping
his hands.

"Petrov," says Angela, "will you do me a favor?”

"Yes, my darling," replies Petrov "after a performance like that, anything!”

"Okay," says Angela, "then rock me a little, and break the suction!”

Just take your time! Has everybody got it? Where is Haridas? - because he is the polar opposite
of Sardarji. They both are great friends, and their friendship depends on one thing: Sardarji
can get any kind of joke, Haridas never gets any! So he laughs - what else to do?
Understanding is not his thing.

Minnie Starlight, the glamorous Californian actress, goes for a palm reading
session with Madam Sawzall at the California Cosmic Pyramid Shopping Mall
in LA. "You are in love," announces Madam Sawzall, gazing into Minnie’s
hand.

"Really?" exclaims Minnie. "You can see that?”

"Sure!" replies Madam Sawzall.
"Go on! Go on!" says Minnie excitedly.
"He is tall, dark and very handsome," sees Madam Sawzall.
"Right again!" cries Minnie. "That's amazing!”
"Sure!" replies Madam Sawzall. "And he is twenty-eight years old, stands six
feet tall, with a picture of his mother tattooed on his machinery.”
"My God! That's really incredible!" exclaims Minnie.
"Yup," replies Madam Sawzall. "And he has a Swiss bank account, and drives a
red Ferrari.”
"You mean you can see all that in my palm?" gasps Minnie.
"Nope," replies Madam Sawzall, "I can see all that in your diamond
engagement ring. It is the same one I gave back to him last month!”

The scene is outside Moscow in the heavy snows of midwinter. Colossus G.

Magnus, the greatest Hollywood movie director of all time - known as "Big G."
Magnus - is ready to complete his most daring epic, the multi-billion dollar
movie: "Napoleon Eats Russia!”

Across the vast snowy plain, "Big G." has constructed four huge towers, each
complete with camera, lighting and sound crews. Gigantic snow machines are
standing ready to whip up an instant blizzard. The crews are ready, and the cast
of five thousand soldiers, with horses, cannons, swords, and everything, are
poised and ready to go.

The big snow fans slowly start to blow and suddenly, director Magnus, sitting in
tower number four, shouts out, “Action!"

An incredible flurry of battle follows with fury and authenticity. For forty
minutes the Russian and French armies clash, recreating history amongst
booming canons, and screaming men and horses. Finally, “Big G." Magnus
shouts out through his microphone, “Cut!” Immediately, all the actors,
technicians, and crews burst into loud cheers and applause.

"Big G." smiles to himself with satisfaction, and reaches for his telephone. He
dials up tower number one. "You got everything, Paddy?" asks the director.
"Mister Magnus," hiccups Paddy, "it is Thursday - the power failed! We did not
get a single shot!”
It seems Poona also belongs to Russia - every Thursday the power fails!

"What?" screams Magnus, slamming down the phone and dialing tower
number two. "Seamus," shouts the director, "how was it?”

"Mister Magnus," replies Seamus, "please don't get mad, but my cameraman
forgot to put film in the camera!”

"Idiots! Turkeys!" shouts "Big G." "You are all fired!”

Frantically, Magnus dials up tower number three. "What about you, Sean?" he
cries, perspiring. "How did it go?”

"Ah! Mister Magnus," replies Sean. "Never was there such a scene! It will make
film history! You are a genius…!”

"Cut the bullshit, Sean!" shouts "Big G." "Did you get it all on film?”

"On film?" asks Sean. "You wanted me to film it? I thought it was a rehearsal!”

"You moron!" roars Magnus. "You imbecile! You will never work for me again!"
And he slams down the phone. "Big G." Magnus mops his forehead with a
handkerchief and then turns to his own camera man, Stonehead Niskriya.

“Jesus Christ!" shouts Magnus. "Thank God you are here, Stonehead! I am sure
everything here is okay!”

"Absolutely!" confirms Stonehead Niskriya. "First class - number one!”

"Enough film in the camera?" asks "Big G. “
"Plenty, Mister Magnus," replies Stonehead.
"Sound okay?" asks Magnus.
"You bet!" replies Stonehead. "Perfect sound.”
"Those new lights from Berlin working okay?" asks Magnus.
“Just great!" enthuses Niskriya.
"Thank God!" shouts Magnus.
“Ja!" says Niskriya. "I am ready to start when you are!"

27. WILD WEST
Just now I have heard that there is a new phenomenon in America called The Couch Potato
Movement. It was created for people who sit at home all day and watch TV. It was started in
nineteen eighty-two, but has recently become a great phenomenon: the Home-Video Revolution.

The Couch Potato Movement has published two books: THE OFFICIAL COUCH
POTATO HANDBOOK and THE COUCH POTATO GUIDE TO LIFE. It also has a
newsletter THE TUBER’S VOICE with a circulation of eight thousand.

Mr.Armstrong, the founder of the movement is spreading the Couch Potato gospel. “We feel
that watching TV is an indigenous American form of meditation," he says. "We call it
Transcendental Vegetation.”

A pretty girl is driving through the American West when her car runs out of gas.
An Indian comes past and gives her a ride to a gas station, sitting behind him on
his pony.

Every few minutes as they ride along, he lets out a wild whooping yell that
echoes around the hills. Finally, he drops her off with a last, “Yaa-Hoo!”

"My god," says the gas station owner, "what were you doing to that Indian to
make him shout like that?”

"Nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my arms around his sides,
holding onto his saddle horn.”

"Miss," says the man, "Indians don't use saddles.”

Charlie, Bill and Gabby, three tired and hungry cowboys, are sitting around a
campfire about to eat dinner. Jose, the cook, a grimy, stubble-faced, huge
Mexican guy, throws down the pot and holds up his gun.

"The first one of you jerks who makes a fuss about your supper gets trouble
from me!” says Jose. There is careful silence as the purple and green slop is
served up, and the eating begins.

"God!" shrieks Charlie, gagging and turning blue. "This stuff tastes like shit.”

Then, immediately eyeing the big Mexican, Charlie adds enthusiastically, "But
good shit, REAL good shit.”
In a little town in the Wild West of America, Polly Peekin, the pretty young
tourist, is intrigued by a big macho-looking Indian. She is watching him and has
noticed that he says, "Chance!" to every passing female.

Finally, Polly's curiosity gets the better of her and she walks up to him and says,
“Hello." To which he answers, “Chance!"

"That's interesting," says Polly. "I thought all Indians said, ‘How!’”

"I know HOW," he replies. “Just want chance!”

Pretty young Honey Saddleride is traveling in a train across Texas. A dapper-

looking man walks up to her and whispers something in her ear, whereupon she
gives him a stinging slap in the face.

A tall Texan seated across the aisle stands up and asks her, "Is this man
bothering you, Ma’am?"

"He certainly IS," replies Honey. "He just offered me ten dollars if I would go
with him to his sleeping compartment.”

Without hesitation the Texan pulls his pistol out and aims it at the man.

"My god!" cries Honey, "that is no reason to kill him!”

"Lady," says the Texan, "I will shoot any man who tries to raise the prices in
Texas!”

Clarence and Lulu, two Oregon rednecks, are sitting on their front porch in
Fossil, watching the sunset. Lulu sighs, takes Clarence by the hand and says
"Darling, say something soft and mushy.”

Clarence, very embarrassed, turns to Lulu and says, "Aw, shit…”

Every time Tex rides his horse through the Indian Village, he waves cheerfully
at the old chief. In reply, the old chief holds up his hand with his middle finger
pointing upwards. Then he turns his hand so that his finger points horizontally.
Tex gets curious to know what the old chief is trying to communicate to him.
So, one day, he gets off his horse in the Indian Village and goes to the chiefs
tent. "I know what it means," says Tex, "when you wave at me with the finger
straight up. But what does it mean when you turn your finger sideways?”

"It means," says the old chief, "that I don't like your horse, either!”

A young Indian brave, son of Chief Running Bear, asks his father one day how
he decides what names to give his sons.

"Simple," says Running Bear, "while I am making love, I look around and if I
see an eagle circling in the sky, I call the child Flying Eagle, if I see a horse
going by, I call the child Running Horse. It is just a question of what catches my
attention while I am making love to your mother. So, now do you understand,
Broken Condom?”

An English lady is on holiday in the Wild west. One day she decides to visit an
Indian reservation and becomes interested in the number of feathers in the
men's headdresses.

So she asks one brave, and he replies, "Me only have one feather because me
only have one squaw.”

Thinking this is a joke, she asks another brave. "Me only have four feathers
because me only have four squaws," he replies.

Somewhat perturbed, the English lady decides to ask the chief, who has a
magnificent headdress full of feathers. "Me Chief," he replies, "so me fuck them
all! Big, small, short, tall… me fuck them all!”

The lady is horrified. "You ought to be hung!" she cries.

"You damned right," says the Chief, "me hung like a buffalo!”
The English lady cries, "You don't have to be so hostile!”
“Hoss-style, dog-style, any style… me fuck them all!”
With tears in her eyes, the lady cries, "Oh, dear…”
"No deer," says the Chief, "Me no fuck deer. Deer run too fast and asshole too
high!”

A big old Indian is sitting in a bar out West when a dirty, bearded hippie comes
in and starts to drink a lot and insult all the other people there. Soon everyone
has left the bar in disgust except for the old Indian who just watches the hippie
with interest.

So the hippie walks over to him and says, "Hey, Indian, what the hell are you
staring at?”

"Well," says the Indian, "many years ago I was arrested for making love to a
buffalo, and I just had a feeling that maybe you are my son.”

Big Chief Running Bear walks into the drugstore and starts complaining to the
druggist.

"Rubbers you give me no good!" he says, "Chief go, UGH! Squaw go, UGH!
Rubbers go, BOOM!”

The druggist is very sorry and gives the Indian a new package. "These are the
strongest rubbers made," he says.

The next day, the chief is back. "Rubber no good!" He explains, "Chief go,
UGH! Squaw go, UGH! Rubbers go, BOOM!”

The frustrated druggist goes into the back of his shop, cuts a piece from a
bicycle tire, and glues one end shut. He then goes back into the shop and hands
it to the chief.

Next morning, the squaw comes into the drugstore. "Rubber you sell chief too
good,” she says, "Chief go, UGH! Squaw go, UGH! Chiefs balls go, BOOM!”

A young cowboy, in the wild west for the first time, finds himself in a town
without women. At the local saloon, he asks the other cowboys how they
manage without women, and they tell him to find a sheep or a cow for a
companion.

A few days later, the young man walks in with a pig. He sits her down at a table
and then walks over to the bar and says, "I will have a large whiskey for myself
and a root beer for the young lady.”

The bartender reaches below the bar and brings out his shotgun. He points it at
the young man, who starts to back away. "I don‘t understand," he says. "You
told me I could find a companion.”
"I know," replies the bartender, taking aim.

Then why are you pointing that gun at me?" cries the cowboy.

"We told you to find a companion," says the bartender, "but not the sherif'f‘s
wife.”

A Canadian farmer is chopping wood to store it for the winter when an old
Indian comes out of the forest and says, "Cold winter this year." Hearing this,
the farmer decides to chop more wood than usual.

The following day he is still chopping when the old Indian appears again and
says, “Very cold winter this year." So the farmer keeps chopping late into the
night.

The following day he is at it again and by now he has a huge pile of wood when
the old Indian comes by and says, "Very, very cold winter this year.”

The farmer stops chopping and says, "Hey chief, how do you know that?”

"Well," says the Indian, "in my tribe we have a maxim which says: Cold weather
comes to the neighborhood, when you see the white man chopping wood.”

The Lone Ranger is about to be hanged by rustlers who caught him spying on
their camp. His only hope is Tonto who managed to escape and go for help. As
the bandits are putting the noose around the Lone Ranger's neck, he sees three
horses approaching at a gallop.

Sure enough, as they get closer, he can see that it is Tonto on the first horse, but
he can’t make out who the other two riders are. The Lone Ranger finally sees
that Tonto is riding with two beautiful naked women.

The riders burst mm the robbers' camp and Tonto rides up to the Lone Ranger
saying, “Kemosabe, I have returned with the people you asked me to get.”

"Tonto, you idiot," says the Lone Ranger, "I told you to go get a POSSE!”

The Jesse James Gang holds up a train in the Wild West. When they have
overpowered the guards, Jesse and the gang burst into the passenger
compartment. "Okay!" says Jesse. "You folks had better get ready, we are going
to rob all the men and rape all the women.”

"Look here, you outlaw," says a pretty young woman, "you can go ahead and try
to rape me, but you'd better not lay a finger on my old aunt Sally.”

"You hold your tongue, young lady," says old Sally. “Jesse knows what he's
doing.”

Big Chief Sitting Bull has been constipated for many moons. So he sends his
favorite squaw to the medicine man for help. The medicine man gives the
squaw three pills and tells her to give them to the chief, and then report back to
him the next morning.

The next morning the squaw comes back with the message, "Big chief no shit.”
So the medicine man tells her to double the dose.

The next day, she comes back with the message, "Big Chief no shit." So again
he tells her to double the dose. Again she comes back with the same message.
This goes on for a week, and finally the medicine man tells the squaw to give
Sitting Bull the whole box.

The next morning, she comes back with a very sad expression. "What is wrong,
my child?" asks the medicine man.

The little squaw looks at him with tears in her eyes and says, "Big shit, no
chief !”

Harry Manners, the English tourist, is visiting a Wild West town in America for
the first time. He has heard about an old Indian who is famous for his incredible
memory.

He spies the old Indian in front of the general store and decides to put him to
the test.

"Okay Mr. Indian,”’ says Harry, “what did you have for breakfast on October 4,
1920?” The poker-faced old Indian answered, “Eggs."

Harry Manners scoffs, "Hell, everyone eats eggs for breakfast. You, sir, are a
fraud.” Eight years later, Harry is once again visiting the same Wild West town
and sees the old Indian lounging in front of the same wild west store. Harry
walks up to him and says, good-naturedly, “How!" The Indian answers,
“Scrambled."

A big, tall Cherokee Indian named Brown Bear comes into the bar with a six-
shooter tucked in his belt. He is a giant of a man, so no one asks him why he is
carrying a bucket full of horse manure in one hand and a black cat in the other.
He puts down the bucket.

"I will have a whiskey!" he roars at the bartender. After drinking it, in one gulp,
he orders another and then another.

All of a sudden, Brown Bear pulls out his gun and starts shooting the bucket,
drops the cat and chases it around the bar on his hands and knees. When Brown
Bear finally catches it, the trembling bartender raises his head above the bar and
asks, "What the hell was that all about?”

Brown Bear replies, "My father told me to be more like a white man, so I came
here to have a few drinks, shoot the shit and chase a little pussy.”

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the
ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?”
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he is listening to the ground. He can hear things for
miles in any direction.”

Just then the Indian looks up, "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away.
Has two horses - one brown, one white - a man, a woman, a child, and
household effects in the wagon.”

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away
they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what
is in the wagon. Amazing!”

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago.”

There is a Saturday night shoot-out in the O.K. Saloon, and the air is thick with
lead and smoke. Suddenly, the doors swing open, and in walks a man who
strides straight across the room and up to the bar. Immediately, all the shooting
stops.

The barman pops his head up from behind the counter. "Friend," he says, "that
took real courage to walk through those blazing guns without even looking left
or right!”

"Not at all," replies the man, looking around, casually. "You see, I owe money to
everyone here!"

28. NUTS & OTHER FRUIT-CAKES
BELOVED OSHO,

THESE DAYS I FEEL LIKEA FRUIT-CAKE. ALSO IAM READING THE

IDIOT BY FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY. DO YOU THINK THERE IS ANY
CONNECTION?

Vimal, there is nothing wrong in feeling like a fruit-cake. It is really delicious. It

is so nice… and it cannot have any connection with the reading of the great
masterpiece of Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Idiot. The Idiot is only the name but
the person he calls the idiot in that great novel… That novel has to be
considered one of the ten great novels in the whole world literature. There is no
way to think that anything better than Fyodor Dostoevsky's Idiot can be created.

The idiot is a sage. He is called the idiot by the people because they can ’t
understand his simplicity, his humbleness, his purity, his trust, his love. You can
cheat him, you can deceive him, and he will still trust you. That’s why people
think he is an idiot. He is really one of the most beautiful characters ever
created by any novelist.

The novel could just as well have been called The Sage. His trust is so much
that it does not matter that you deceive. It does not matter that you cheat him;
that is your problem, it is not his problem. His love, his trust will continue.
Dostoevsky’s idiot is not an idiot he is one of the sanest men amongst an insane
humanity.

But this is the problem: if you are living in a society where everybody is blind
and only you have eyes, you will be in constant difficulty. Those blind people will
not believe that you have eyes; those blind people would like to destroy your
eyes, because your eyes are giving them constant anxiety and tension. But
somebody has something which nobody else has… so most probably they will
destroy your eyes.

In an insane world, to be sane is the most difficult situation. If you can become
the idiot of Fyodor Dostoevsky, it is perfectly beautiful; it is really a fruit-cake!
There is no harm in it. It is better than to be a cunning politician, better than to
be a cunning priest. Humbleness has such a blessing. Simplicity has such a
benediction.

But the world is full of cunning people. Be simple like a small child - that is the
idea of Dostoevsky in The Idiot.
Paddy climbs the flag pole and begins shouting as loudly as he can. The cops
arrest him and he is charged with disturbing the peace. Later he is sent to a
psychiatric hospital for examination.

"How do you explain your behavior?" asks the head shrink.

"It is like this, doctor," replies Paddy. "If I didn't do something crazy once in a
while I would go nuts.”

An innocent man is saying something immensely wise. He is saying, “If I didn't go crazy once
in a while I would go nuts.”

It is a well-known, well-established fact that women go crazy once in a while - any excuse.
And fi there is no excuse at least nature has provided them with the period. Then whatever they
do is acceptable. Their craziness cannot be condemned; they have a rationalization. But even
without the period they can go crazy at any moment. That saves them from going nuts. It is
only men who go nuts, because they don’t go crazy once in a while, they go on accumulating.
Rather than going crazy in installments, they go wholesale. Just look in the madhouses of the
world: there are four times more men than women.

It is not a small difference. Four times more men go mad. And what is the strategy of the
woman so she avoids that much madness? She often goes crazy. So in installments - just a little
bit of craziness today, and a little bit tomorrow - she divides it, and all the time she remains
sane. There is no need for her to be in a madhouse.

Man has been told from his very childhood: "You are not supposed to go crazy like women. You
are not even supposed to weep and cry. Tears are not allowed to men. Even if somebody dies,
you have to keep yourself together; you are not to behave like a woman.” Because of this
nonsense teaching, four times more men than women are in madhouses.

I have made it absolutely compulsory that every day in the morning you do the Dynamic
Meditation. That is nothing but giving you a chance every day of installment craziness, so the
whole day you remain sane. It is enough for twenty-four hours. Then again comes another
morning and you go crazy. None of my people is ever going to be mad.

(A LOUD LAUGH CAUSES GENERAL LAUGHTER.)

You look! Sardarji is going crazy. But he goes crazy once in a while, so he is going to remain the
sanest man.
Doctor Feelgood is visiting the insane asylum to see the latest condition of some
of his patients. He is led into the first room, opens the door, and meets Charlie
Rosenkrantz. At that moment Mr. Rosenkrantz is swinging an imaginary golf
club in the air.

"Well, Charlie," says Feelgood. "When do you think you will be getting out?”

"No problem," replies Charlie, swinging away. “Just as soon as I hit a hole-in-
one.”

Feelgood shakes his head and goes on to the next room.There he finds Chester
Cheese swinging an imaginary baseball bat.

"Hello, Chester," says Feelgood. "And when do you think you will be getting
out?”

"Oh, soon," replies Chester. “Just as soon as I hit this home-run.”

Feelgood shakes his head again, and is led to the next room. He walks in and
finds Donald Dickstein rubbing a bag of peanuts up against his open zipper.

"Hello, Donald," says Feelgood. "And when do you think you will be getting
out?”

"Out? Are you kidding?" says Donald excitedly. "I'm fucking nuts!”

A man goes into a men's toilet, holding his hands outstretched, as if they are
paralyzed. In the urinals, he taps another man on the elbow.

"Excuse me,” he says, “I wonder if you could help me. I have a problem with
my hands and need assistance in using the urinal. Would you be so kind as to
open my zipper?" The other man is very embarrassed, but obliges.

The first man says, "Thank you very much. Now I have another favor to ask.
Would you mind helping me to aim?" The second man blushes, but helps him
aim.

After he has relieved himself, the first man says, "You don't know how grateful I
am. Now please just do me up again." Nearly at the end of his patience, the
second man does so. The first man turns to leave, and looking at his hands, says,
“Good. I think my nail polish is dry now.”
One Sunday morning at the Loony Tunes Funny Farm, old Father Fungus is
the guest preacher in the lunatic asylum's small chapel. He is ranting and raving
in the pulpit, screaming all about damnation and hellfire, God's sweet love and
the nocturnal emissions of the Holy Ghost, when suddenly, Mad Melvin jumps
up out of his seat, raises both arms high in the air and shouts, "Bullshit! Do we
have to listen to this idiot?" Then Mad Melvin smiles and sits back down.

There is pin-drop silence. Father Fungus is extremely embarrassed, and turns to

the hospital director Doctor Dumshit. "Oh dear!" stammers the priest. "Shall I
stop speaking?”

"No need for that, Father," sighs Dumshit, yawning. "It won't happen again.
Mad Melvin only makes a true statement once every seven years.”

Dilly Dump is the manager of the Last Resort Old People's Home. One
morning, he is going from house to house collecting donations throughout the
nice, mediocre American suburb called Yuppie Acres.

Dilly walks up to the Poke household and rings the doorbell. When Porky Poke
answers the door, Dilly says, "Good morning, sir. Would you like to make a
contribution to the Last Resort Old People’s Home?”

"Okay," replies Porky. Then he turns around and calls back to the house, "Hey,
Grandma! Get your hat and coat on!”

Newton Hooton gets into Dingle Dilda's New York taxi to go across town, and
finds himself being thrown around inside the car as Dingle races through the
streets.

"Hey! Slow down!" shouts Newton, when he finally manages to catch hold of
something, "or you will get us both into the hospital!”

"You don't need to worry, mister," replies Dingle. "I have just got out of the
hospital after being there for eighteen months, and I don't intend going back!”

"Ah! I am sorry," says Newton, feeling reassured. "You were in the hospital for
eighteen months - that must have been awful! Were you badly injured?”

"Nope! Not a scratch," replies Dingle. "It was a mental hospital!”

One day at the Sunnyvale Insane Asylum, Crazy Karl escapes and runs to
town. He is very impressed when he comes upon the local Laundromat, so he
decides to go in and wash his clothes.

As he is doing his laundry, he sees two very pretty girls, Grizelda and Bimbo,
also doing their wash. Crazy Karl likes them both, so he asks them if they
would like to make love. They both smile and say "Yeah," and the three of them
get going at it right there.

Just then, Bernie Bernstein, the local newspaper reporter, stumbles upon Crazy
Karl and the girls making love on top of a washing machine. Bernie takes one
look, then pops a photograph of the orgy for his paper.

Crazy Karl looks up in shock and then runs off. Bernie, with camera in hand,
rushes away to report the story.

That afternoon the headlines read: "NUT SCREWS WASHERS and

BOLTS!”

Every Friday, Nellie Nutzo escapes from the Sunnyvale Insane Asylum, and
streaks naked through the forest surrounding the institution.

And every Friday, Loony Larry, Mad Melvin, and Crazy Karl watch her take
off her clothes. and disappear through the fence. And every Friday, Attendant
Eggski, the asylum guard, sends the three loonies to bring back the naked Nellie.

This time the three loonies are gone for a long time, so Attendant Eggski
decides to go look for them. He enters the forest and immediately naked Nellie
Nutzo streaks by him with a wide grin on her face.

Then Eggski sees Loony Larry and Crazy Karl come chasing right behind her
in hot pursuit.

A couple of minutes later, Mad Melvin comes huffing and puffing along,
carrying a bucket full of sand in each hand.

"Hey, wait a minute, Melvin!" cries Eggski. "What are you doing, running with
those buckets of sand? How the hell are you going to catch Nellie that way?”

"Well," gasps Mad Melvin, out of breath. "It is my turn to carry the sand,
because I caught her last week!”
Old Buffalo Grass, the aging hippy, is hopping down the street puffing away on
a couple of reefers. To his amazement, he finds himself standing in front of a
barber shop.

"Far out!" he says to himself, scratching his big beard. "I haven't had a haircut
for thirty-two years." So, in a cloud of smoke, he walks in, and sits down in the
barber's chair.

"How much is a haircut?" asks Buffalo.

The barber looks at the old hippy's long straggly hair and says, "Ten dollars!”

Buffalo's eyes pop out. "Really?" he says. "And how much for a shave?”

"Two dollars," replies the barber.

"Okay," says Buffalo Grass, pointing to his head, "shave it!”

Loony Larry is wobbling home from the pub along the railway tracks. It is a full-
moon night, and Larry is well plastered with rum. All of a sudden, he trips over
a human leg lying on the tracks. He picks himself up, rubs his eyes in disbelief,
and staggers on.

A few minutes later, he stumbles over another leg lying on the tracks. Next, he
comes across an arm. By now, Loony Larry has become really interested, and
when he sees a body, he stops to have a good look at it.

Walking around the body, he scratches his chin, and mumbles to himself, "That
coat looks rather familiar! I wonder if it is…” But just then, he steps backwards
and falls over a head. He stares in drunken shock at the head, recognizing the
face of his friend, Harry.

Then, Larry sees an ear lying on the ground a few feet away. He crawls over to
the ear, picks it up, and shouts m'to it, "Harry! Harry! Are you alright?”

Magic Mushroom Melvin, the old hippy, is busy making lunch for his old buddy,
Buffalo Grass. "Wow, man!" says Melvin, stepping back from the sink and sitting
down to smoke a few reefers.

"That's the wildest recipe I have ever tried.”

"Groovy, man!" says Buffalo Grass, in a cloud of smoke. "What is it?” "It is
salad, man!" says Melvin. "Hey, cool, man - salad!" agrees Buffalo Grass. "How
do you make it?”

"Well, it's really easy, man!" says Melvin, "you cut up lettuce, tomatoes,
cucumbers, and carrots; then you throw in some dressing and some LSD, stand
back, and watch the salad toss itself !”

Captain Cartwright Num-Nuts, the astute commander of the latest electronic

miracle battleship, the USS Turkey Shoot, proudly scans the horizon for smoke.
He is standing on the deck of his observation tower, on board ship.

The Turkey Shoot is floating a few miles from the coast of Florida, and Num-
Nuts has just commanded the destruction of a mysterious aircraft flying too
close by. What he does not know is that he has just shot down the latest multi-
billion dollar American rocket launched to explore Mars.

Captain Num-Nuts strides proudly up and down the deck, sniffing the salt air
and whistling the Turkey Shoot battle song, to celebrate his uncanny
marksmanship.

Suddenly, an aide comes running up to the captain. "Here is a special message

from the admiral, sir," reports the sailor.

"Read it to me, my boy," says Num-Nuts, puffing out his chest, and gazing
towards the horizon.

"But, sir," says the sailor, "it is addressed to you personally.”

“Just read it to me," snaps back Captain Num-Nuts.

The sailor reads, "Of all the blundering, stupid, idiotic morons, you take the
cake!”

Captain Num-Nuts shifts his gaze to the sailor and pauses. Then he says, "Have
that decoded at once!”

Mad Marvin escapes from the crazyhouse and runs to a nearby town. He is seen
standing by an old well, dancing and shouting, "Five! Five! Five!” Curious,
Officer Chump, the local cop, saunters over to Marvin. "What is all this noise
about?" inquires the cop. "Look!" exclaim’s Mad Marvin, pointing into the well.
"Look! Five! Five! Five!”

Officer Chump shakes his head at the loony, and steps up to the well to have a
look. Then, with a wide grin and a big push, Mad Marvin shouts, "Six! Six!
Six!”

It is early morning at the Funnydale Mental Institute, and Nurse Brassboobs is

inspecting the ward to see that everyone is properly dressed. But when she
comes to George, she notices that he has his right shoe on his left foot, and his
left shoe on his right foot.

"Come on, George," she says sweetly. "You have got your shoes on the wrong
feet, dear.”

Half an hour later, she comes back and sees that George still has the same
problem.

"George, dear," she says, "why have you not put your shoes on the right feet?”

"But I have tried!" cries George. "I have looked everywhere, but I just can't find
my other feet!”

A man walks into a cafeteria and orders coffee and a cream bun. "Sorry," says
the attendant, "but we are out of buns. Why not have a doughnut instead?”

"In that case," says the man, "I will have a cup of tea and a cream bun.”

"I just told you, sir," says the attendant, "we are out of buns. Why don't you
have a doughnut?”

“Hmm…” replies the man. "So in that case, I will have a toasted bun with
butter and a cup of tea.”

"Look!" cries the attendant. "How many times do I have to tell you? We don't
have any buns - cream buns, or toasted buns, or any OTHER kind of buns!”

"Okay, okay," says the man, "then give me a raisin bun and a hot chocolate.”
"Look here, you idiot!" shouts the attendant, seizing the man by his collar and
shaking him violently. "We don't have no buns! We don't have no cream buns,
we don't have no raisin buns, or hot-cross buns, or toasted buns with butter, or
any other kind of buns. Get it?”

"Okay, okay," says the man, "no need to shout. Then I will just have a bun!”

Two drunks, Dick and Willy, are walking down a country lane. Suddenly, Dick
turns to Willy and says, "Have you shit in your pants?”

"No," replies Willy. A little further down the road, Dick says to Willy again, "Are
you sure you have not shit in your pants?”

"I'm quite sure," says Willy. Further on down the lane, Dick says, "Come on,
take your pants down and let me see.”

So Willy takes down his pants, Dick looks inside and cries, "See? I told you so!”

"Oh," says Willy, "I thought you meant today!”

Nurse Ratchett notices a mental patient with his ear close to the wall, listening
intently. As she approaches, the loony holds up a warning finger and says,
"SHHHH! Be quiet!” Then he beckons Nurse Ratchett to come closer. "Listen
here," says the mad guy, pointing to a spot on the wall.

Ratchett listens for some time and then says, "I can't hear anything.”

"I know," says the patient, "and it has been like this all day!”

One Saturday night George ends up at a party in an unfamiliar apartment

building. He gets very drunk, but somehow finds his way home in the small
hours of the morning. He wakes up the next afternoon with a terrible hangover,
and he realizes that he has left his jacket, tie, shirt and shoes at the party.

With much difficulty he finds the apartment building, but has no idea which
apartment he had been in. The only thing he remembers is that it had a
magnificent gold toilet. So he knocks at the first apartment. The door is
answered by a man with a hangover.

"Hello," says George, "did you have a party here last night?”
"We sure did," groans the man.
"And do you have a gold toilet?" asks George.
"A gold toilet? We sure don't!" replies the man.

This happens in almost every apartment. Everyone is recovering from a party,

but no one knows anything about a gold toilet.

At the last apartment, the door is opened by a man with a hangover. "Hello,"
says George, "did you have a party last night?”

"Boy! We sure did," groans the man.

"And do you have a gold toilet?" asks George.

There is a long silence. Finally, the man shouts back into the apartment, "Hey,
Harry! Here is the guy who shit in your tuba!”

Captain Fearless, the infamous pirate, is standing on the deck of his ship, ‘The
Dirty Duck’…

… That is the name of the ship…

… when the lookout calls, "Italian merchant ship ahead!”

Fearless calls his cabin boy and says, "Bring me my red coat, we are going into
battle.”

Soon the Italian ship is overpowered and that night there is a feast of spaghetti
and garlic.

The next day Captain Fearless hears the cry, "Three German merchant ships
ahead!”

Fearless calls for the cabin boy. "Bring me my red coat," he cries, "we are going
into battle.”

Soon the German ships are captured and that night during a feast of beer and
sausage the cabin boy asks, "Excuse me, Captain Fearless, sir, but why do you
always ask for your red coat before battle?”

"In case I am wounded," cries Fearless. "Then my men won't see the blood and
become disappointed or disheartened.” The next day, Fearless is standing on the
deck and the lookout cries, "A fleet of English warships ahead.” Fearless turns
to the cabin boy and whispers, "Bring me my brown pants.”
A man in London is charged with hitting a woman on a double-decker bus, and
the judge is asking him if he has any excuse.

"Well,Your Honor, it was like this," explains the man. "She came on the bus and
sat next to me downstairs. Then she opened her bag, took out her purse, closed
her bag, opened her purse, took out a pound, closed her purse, opened her bag,
put back the purse, and closed her bag again.

"Then she saw that the conductor was going upstairs, so she opened her bag,
took out her purse, closed her bag, opened her purse, put in her pound, closed
her purse, opened her bag, put back her purse and closed her bag again.

"Then she saw the conductor coming down the stairs again, so she opened her
bag, took out her purse, closed her bag, opened her purse…”

"Stop!" shouts the judge. "You are driving me crazy!”

"Right!" says the man, "That's what happened to me!”

Kowalski is employed by the local lunatic asylum to take the inmates on special
outings. One day, ten of the best-behaved patients are going to a basketball
game.

"Okay, let’s get on the bus, nuts!" calls out Kowalski, as they set off for the
game.

"Stand in line, nuts!" he shouts, when they get to their seats.

"Sit down, nuts!" and all the patients obediently sit down to watch the game.

About half way through the game, the mental asylum receives a phone call from
the police, and the director is asked to come over right away. When he arrives at
the stadium, the place is a shambles.

"What happened?" asks the director when he finds Kowalski.

"Well," replies Kowalski, "one guy went past, shouting, ‘Ice cream! Ice cream!’

"Then, another guy came past crying, ‘Hot dogs! Hot dogs!’

"But then, some guy started shouting, ‘Peanuts! Peanuts!’”

Mandelwitz is due to be released from the mental asylum. He goes for an
interview with Professor Potts, the chief psychiatrist, who tells him that he has to
answer a simple question, sanely, before he can be released.

"What would be your first action," asks Potts, "when you get released from this
asylum?”

"I would start a rock collection," says Mandelwitz, "and throw one through each
window of this building!" Mandelwitz is taken back to his room and another six
months pass before he is interviewed again.

"What will you do first when you are released from here?" asks the head shrink.
"Well," replies Mandelwitz, “I will buy myself a new suit.”
"Good," says Potts, "and then what will you do?”
"I will call up a gorgeous blonde girlfriend," says Mandelwitz.
"And then?" asks Potts.
"I will take her to a motel," replies Mandelwitz.
"That's fine," says Potts, "and then?”
"Then," replies Mandelwitz, "I will lock the door, sit her on the bed, run my
hand up her stockings, rip off her garter, make a catapult, and break every
window in this building!”

Ronald Reagan is visiting a mental hospital to boost his public image. After
touring the wards, he wanders into the garden where he gets into conversation
with one of the gardeners.

The gardener turns out to be a very intelligent and interesting man and Reagan
suggests that he must find work amongst so many insane people rather
depressing.

"Not at all," replies the gardener, "You see, I am a patient myself.”

"Amazing," says Ronald Reagan, "you sound like one of the sanest people I
have ever met.

"Well, it is true," replies the gardener, "I have been trying to get them to release
me for fifteen years.”

"That's outrageous!" cries Ronald, and he assures the gardener that he will do
everything possible to get him released.The gardener is very grateful and the
two of them shake hands.
As the president turns to go, the gardener picks up his shovel and with a mighty
blow, knocks Reagan flat. Lying on the ground, dazed and astonished, Ronald
Reagan watches in amazement as the gardener wags a finger at him and says,
"Now you won't forget, will you?”

Elmer, the village idiot, is very famous. One day a village resident wants to show
a visiting friend just what an idiot Elmer is.

"Watch this," he says. "Hey, Elmer! I have got something for you." He then
holds out his hand, and on the outstretched palm are a nickel and a dime. "Go
ahead, Elmer," he says, "take one.”

So Elmer says, "Thank you, I will take the big one," and picks up the nickel.

The man winks at his friend and then says, "See what an idiot he is?”

But as Elmer shuffles off, the visitor feels sorry for him and runs after him.
"Listen, Elmer,” he says earnestly, "don't you know that the small coin is worth
twice as much as the big one?”

"Of course I do," says Elmer, "but the first time I pick up the dime, they will
stop playing the game.”

The truck driver pulls into the truck stop, goes inside, and orders a cup of coffee
and a piece of cake.

Sitting next to him is a member of the Hell's Angels motorcycle gang, who looks
at him and says, "Hey man, I don't like you sitting next to me. Move over!”

The truck driver doesn’t say a word, so the Hell's Angel reaches over and puts
his cigarette out in the driver's coffee.

But still the truck driver is silent and continues eating his cake. When he has
finished he gets up, pays his bill and leaves.

When he has gone, the Hell's Angel says to the waiter, "Man, that guy was a
pushover. Did you see what a coward he was?”

"Yes," says the waiter, looking out of the Window, "a real coward. And a terrible
driver, too. He just drove over some poor guy's motorcycle.”
Adolf Hitler is inspecting his Panzer division. Every boot and button is shining
bright and there is a deathly silence over the parade ground. All of a sudden
someone sneezes.

"Who sneezed?" Hitler shrieks at the men.

Nobody dares to answer. Hitler raises his arm, and the first row of soldiers is
shot dead.

"Who sneezed?" Hitler shrieks again.

There is no reply, so Hitler raises his arm and the next row of soldiers is shot
dead.

“I will ask you one more time," says Hitler. "Who sneezed?”

A man in the back row timidly raises his hand. "It was me," says the soldier.

"A-ha!" says Hitler, “Gesundheit!"

A man parks his car on a street in New York. But when he returns he finds that
someone has smashed into the rear end of his car. On the windshield he finds a
note that reads:

"Dear Sir, I just smashed into your car. The people who saw the accident are
watching me. They think I am writing down my name and address, so you can
contact me regarding the damage. They are a bunch of idiots!”

A truck driver is racing down the freeway at seventy miles per hour when
suddenly a face appears level with his left-hand cab window. The driver leans
over and sees that a man is standing on the saddle of his motorbike, steering
with one foot on the handlebar.

The truck driver rolls down his window, and the biker holds up a cigarette and
says, "Have you got a light?”

"I have," says the driver holding out his lighter, "but you'd better be careful or
you'll kill yourself.”

"No, I won't," replies the biker, "I only smoke three a day.”
Two village men are riding on a train for the first time in their lives. One of
them has a bunch of bananas. He offers one to his friend and begins to peel one
for himself. Just then the train enters a tunnel.

"Have you tasted your banana yet?" asks the first man, very alarmed.

“No, I haven't," replies his friend.

"Well, for heaven's sake, don't," says the first man, "I took one bite and went
blind.”

A man is drowning in a river and is shouting for help, saying, "I can't swim, I
can't swim!”

"So what?" shouts back a drunk from the bank, "I can't play the piano, but I'm
not shouting about it!”

Ronald Reagan is about to be discharged from the psychiatric hospital. "Now

that you have been pronounced cured," says his doctor, "what are your plans?”

"Well," says Mr. Reagan, "I used to be a president, so I may go back to that. I
also used to be a cowboy film star, I may go back to that. I might try teaching,
too. And if I find that I don't like any of those, I might try architecture, or
maybe pilot a plane, or…”

Finally, he adds, "I might become a teapot again.”

The professor says, "If the show starts at nine and dinner is at six and my son
has the measles and my brother drives a Cadillac, how old am I?”

"You are forty-four," says a student promptly.

"Right," says the professor.

"Now tell the rest of the class how you arrived at the correct answer.”

"It was easy," the student replies.

"I have got an uncle who is twenty-two and he is only half nuts.”
Barry Bug eyes is talking to his friend, Mervyn Mildew, over a few drinks in the
bar. "How did you get on with your date last night?" asks Mervyn.

"Ah!" groans Barry, "it was terrible. It was a tragic case of mistaken identity.”

"Really? Mistaken identity?" asks Mervyn. "What do you mean?”

"Well," explains Barry, "I took my date out to the most expensive restaurant in
town. We went in and ordered a huge meal, but as soon as we started to eat, my
date found a cockroach in her soup.”

"How ghastly!" exclaims Mervyn. "What did she do?”

"She stood up," says Barry, "and shouted: ‘Waiter! Remove this insect!’ - and he
threw me out in the street!”

One day a man from a small village in the mountains sees a tourist driving his
car backwards up a narrow road towards the top of the mountain. The man
stops him and says, "Why are you driving backwards?”

The tourist replies, "They told me that there is no room to turn a car around on
top of the mountain.”

The man says, "I have lived here all my Me. I know there is enough space to
turn around.” Half an hour later, he sees the tourist driving down again,
backwards. He stops the car and says, "What are you doing now?”

The tourist replies, "You were right. There WAS enough room to turn around.”

Once there was a man who took a ride in an airplane. Unfortunately he fell out
of the plane. Fortunately he was wearing a parachute; unfortunately the
parachute was not properly packed and it did not open.

Fortunately there was a haystack in the field below; unfortunately there was a
sharp pitchfork sticking straight out of the haystack. Fortunately the man missed
the pitchfork; unfortunately he also missed the haystack!

Marty is walking down the street when he sees his friend and yells to him,
“John, how are you?” John replies, "Don't call me John. Call me Lucky.”
"Why should I call you lucky?" asks Marty. John proceeds to tell him that he had
been standing on the corner of 52nd Street and Third Avenue, when he stepped
off the curb just as a two-ton safe fell from the twentieth floor. It landed right
where he had been standing an instant earlier.

Marty says, "My God, you certainly are lucky! That will be your name from
now on.” A few weeks later they bump into each other again, and Marty says,
"Lucky, how are you?” To which comes the reply, "Don't call me Lucky. Call me
Lucky Lucky.”

Marty says, "Tell me now, why I should call you Lucky Lucky?" and he is told
that Lucky had been bumped from a flight to Miami that was later hijacked to
Cuba. Marty agrees, "You certainly are Lucky Lucky.”

The next time they meet, Marty shouts, "Lucky Lucky, how are you?" to which
he replies, "Don't call me Lucky Lucky. Call me Lucky Lucky Lucky.” Marty
says, “Why?" Lucky Lucky Lucky says, “Just last week I took my girlfriend to a
hotel room and we made such a commotion that the chandelier over the bed
came down and landed right in her lap.”

Marty says, "But what is so lucky about that?”

“Ten seconds earlier,” replies Lucky Lucky Lucky, “and it would have cut off my
head!”

There is a huge explosion at the scientific laboratory, and Professor Teddy

Testube, the scientist, is blown through the Window and knocked unconscious.
When Teddy wakes up, he is dazed and confused, but he has a sudden flash of
inspiration. He decides to devote the rest of his life to the alchemy of turning
regular house bricks into gold bricks.

For ten years Teddy works hard on his project until one day he gets stuck. "Ah!"
cries Teddy to Igor, his lab assistant. “Just one little answer to one last question,
Igor, and we will be rich!” But night after night Teddy's experiments are
fruitless. Finally, utterly exhausted and nearly burnt out, Teddy is slumped
across his workbench when Igor comes in.

“Don't give up, Professor Testube,” exclaims Igor, "I have an idea! Why don't
you go and see Madam Weird, the wise woman of Tibet?

She will be able to answer your burning question!”

"Great idea!" shouts Teddy, jumping up. And he goes and packs his bags and
leaves for Tibet the next morning. After a long camel ride from Kathmandu,
Teddy finally arrives, tired and exhausted, on the doorstep of Madam Weird's
mountain retreat. The question is still burning in his mind.

But Teddy is told he must purify himself before he is granted an audience with
the wise woman, so for three days, he is forced to live on a diet of Aqua-guard
water and raw tofu. Finally, he is admitted into Madam Weird's private
bedchamber.

"Welcome, stranger," greets Madam Weird, sprawled across the huge bed in her
seethrough negligee. Teddy is shocked and a little nervous, seeing such a
beautiful woman way out here in the middle of nowhere.

"I can receive you today," smiles Madam Weird, "because your energy is
sufficiently pure, and besides that, my husband has gone to the village for some
monkey business. But I can answer one question only, and no more!”

Perspiring, Teddy loosens his collar as he stares at her beautiful, bulging breasts
bursting through her see-through negligee. There is much moving of eyeballs
and raising of eyebrows, as Madam Weird beckons Teddy to come closer.

"Go ahead," she says in a throaty voice, "ask your burning question.”

"Okay!" blurts out Teddy. "Tell me one thing: when will your husband be
back?"

29. SHRINKS
Laughter is therapy. And if you are allowed from the very beginning to enjoy a belly laughter
without restraint without inhibition, to find out your buddha will be the easiest job, because you
will be free of all seriousness. You will be free of all tensions, inhibitions, suppressions, and in
this freedom only one finds the buddha.

Hence, before your meditation I have kept a special time for Sardar Gurudayal Singh. I want
you to laugh as deeply as possible, so you are unburdened. Then meditation is very easy, nothing
inhibits you.

My contribution to the world is: making sense of humor a part of spiritual growth. A man
who cannot laugh is sick, sick unto death.

Doctor Feelgood is at a psychiatrists' convention in New York. During one of

the breaks he goes into the cafeteria. He notices a beautiful woman sitting alone
in the corner, drinking coffee. She is so beautiful and attractive that Feelgood
cannot resist the temptation to talk to her.

He goes up close to her and asks quietly, "Can I join you?” The young lady
shrink looks at him for a few seconds and then replies, "Why? Do I look like I'm
falling apart?”

Doctor Feelgood has been warned by his psychiatrist colleagues that Mrs.
Frostbite is a difficult patient. But he decides to see her anyway. "Well, Mrs.
Frostbite," says Feelgood, warmly, "What seems to be the problem?”

"I have no friends!" sobs Mrs. Frostbite. "When I talk to people they just walk
away.”

"I see," says Feelgood. "And have you any idea why that is?”

"Well, doctor," continues the poor woman, "I think it is because I say the wrong
things, and people don't like it. So you will help me, won't you? - you money-
grabbing, incompetent, shrink asshole!”

Ace psychiatrist, Dr. Feelgood, is waiting impatiently for the first patient of the
day. Then in walks a beautiful young brunette. Feelgood suddenly pounces on
her, rips off her clothes and makes wild, passionate love to her. When he is
finished, he stands up and says, "So, that takes care of my problem - now, what
is yours?”
Two shrinks, Dr. Slope and Dr. Feelgood, are discussing a patient. "I was having
great success with Mr. Philpott," says Slope. "When he first came to me, he was
suffering from a massive inferiority complex. He thought that he was too small -
which, of course, was all nonsense.”

"So how did you treat him'?" asks Feelgood. "I started out with intensive
analysis," replies Slope. "Then I moved him on to group therapy. I convinced
him that many of the world's greatest leaders were men of small physical
stature. It was a pity; I really hated losing Mr. Philpott.”

"What do you mean?" inquires Feelgood. "How did you lose him?”

"A terrible accident - a tragedy!" replies Slope. "The cat ate him!”

One afternoon in Doctor Feelgood's office, Buster Chubbs comes staggering in.
He is the most haggard-looking patient Feelgood has seen in a long time. "I
cannot sleep, Doc," moans Buster, pulling on his thinning hair. "I have got dogs
to the left of me, dogs to the right of me, and dogs running all around me! They
bark all night - and I am telling you, they are driving me crackers!”

"Don't worry," says Feelgood, sympathetically. "There is a new sleeping pill on

the market called Knock Out. I have been having a lot of success with it. Try
it!”

Buster Chubbs calls in at the drugstore, buys a box of pills and staggers home.
One week later, he is back in Feelgood's office. He looks even worse than before.

"It is no good, Doc," groans Buster. "I have not slept all week. I am up all night
chasing those GODDAM dogs. And even when I catch them, they wont
swallow the pills!”

Mrs. Benzini has been visiting her psychiatrist, Professor Mindbender, for years
and feels that she is not getting any better. One day, she decides to confront the
shrink. "Doctor," she says, sitting up on the couch, "I come-a every week for five
years. Nothing change-a. What's-a going on? You gotta tell me. What's-a wrong
with me?”

"Well," replies Mindbender, "I will be frank with you. You are crazy!”

"What?" cries Mrs. Benzini. "Crazy? Me, CRAZY? I wanna second opinion!”
"Okay," says Mindbender, "you are ugly too!”

The famous psychiatrist, Doctor Mindbender, is sitting in his chair and looking
intently at his patient, Moishe Finkelstein. Doctor Mindbender closes his
notebook, smiles and says, "Yes, Mr. Finkelstein, I am pleased to pronounce you
a hundred percent cured!”

"Rats!" sighs Moishe, looking depressed. "What happened?”

"I don't understand," replies the shrink. "Are you not happy? I have cured you!”

"Happy?" asks Moishe. "Why should I be happy? Last week I was Jesus Christ.
And now I am nobody!”

A man is admitted to a psychiatric hospital because he thinks he is Ronald

Reagan. But this causes a problem for the staff because they already have a
Ronald Reagan on the books and Doctor Mindbender, the director, thinks it
might cause trouble. But then he hits upon a brilliant idea.

On his first night at the hospital, one of his staff puts him in the same cell as the
other Ronald Reagan in the hope that this confrontation will bring one or both
to their senses. The next morning Mindbender calls the new man to his office
and asks how his first night has been.

"Oh, doctor," replies the man, "I have been living under a delusion for many
years.”

"That's an amazing insight," says Mindbender excitedly. "Please go on.”

"Well," continues the man, "for as long as I can remember, I thought I was
Ronald Reagan, but I'm not.”

"That's very good," says Mindbender. "So who are you?” The man looks at the
shrink, smiles sweetly and says, "I am Nancy.”

A Jewish man living in Los Angeles goes to see a psychiatrist. He introduces

himself as Napoleon Bonaparte, even though his file card shows his name to be
Hymie Goldberg. "So what seems to be the problem?" asks the shrink. "Well,
Doc, actually everything is great. My army is strong, my palace magnificent and
my country is prospering. My only problem is Josephine, my wife.” "Ah," says
the doctor, "and what is her problem?”

Throwing his hands up in despair, Hymie says, "She thinks she is Mrs.
Goldberg.”

Kowalski's son has been acting strangely, so Kowalski takes him to the
psychiatrist. "Tell me, son," asks Doctor Feelgood, "how many wheels are there
on a car?”

"Four," replies the boy. "Very good," says the shrink. "And what is it that a cow
has four of that a woman has two of ?”

"Legs," answers the kid. "Good," says Feelgood. "And what does your father
have that your mother likes the most?”

"Money," replies the boy. The psychiatrist turns to Kowalski and says, "You
don't have to worry about your son, he is smart.”

“He sure is!" says Kowalski. "I missed the last two questions myself !”

Doctor Mindbender has been working with Hannibal Hayne, a sex maniac, for
many months. Finally, things have reached a point where the doctor thinks that
only hypnosis may help the unfortunate Hannibal.

Mindbender swings a pendulum in front of Hannibal's face and says, "I want
you to imagine that this is a big old clock pendulum, ticking away, and soon you
will be asleep… Ding-dong sleep… Ding-dong sleep…”

Hannibal lies still for a moment and then jumps up, shouting excitedly, "Doctor,
it works! It works! My ding-dong is asleep!”

Newton Hooton goes to see Doctor Mindbender, the shrink. "My wife thinks
she is a chicken," he explains, nervously. "That's a serious delusion," says
Mindbender. "How long has this been going on?”

"Three years," mumbles Newton. "Three years?" says the shocked shrink. "Why
did you not bring her in before now?” "Well," replies the embarrassed Newton,
"frankly, we needed the eggs.”
Sinking uneasily into the depths of the psychiatrist's couch, Chester Cheese
sighs, and takes a deep breath. "Doctor, I have a problem," he says, loosening
his collar. "I've got one son in Harvard and another at Yale. I‘ve just gifted them
with two Ferraris. I have a townhouse on upper Fifth Avenue, and a summer
home at East Hampton, and a sprawling ranch in Venezuela.”

"Well," smiles Doctor Feelgood, obviously impressed, "either I missed something

or you really don't have a problem.”

"Doc," croaks Chester, "I only make seventy-five dollars a week.”

Teddy Bearson is lying on Doctor Mindbender’s couch. "All right," says the
shrink, "tell me Why you hate your sister so much.”

"But I don't have a sister," protests Teddy. "Look," says Mindbender, "If you
want me to help you, you have got to cooperate! You can't say that you don't
have a sister.”

Judy Jam goes to her psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I want to talk to you about
my husband, Jerry. He thinks he is a refrigerator.”

"That's not so bad," says the shrink, "it is a rather harmless complex.”

"Well, maybe," replies Judy, "but he sleeps with his mouth open and the light
keeps me awake.”

Ruthie makes herself comfortable on the couch and her psychiatrist proceeds,
"All right, Mrs. Finkelstein, what has been the most exciting thing in your life
these past weeks?”

"Well," she exclaims, "I have been serving my husband rabbit food for dinner
every night.”

"And what does your husband say about that?" asks the shrink.

"Ah, nothing much," replies Ruthie, "but you should see the way he looks at me
from across the table with those little pink eyes.”
Hymie Goldberg goes to see Doctor Feelgood in a terrible state. "You must help
me, doctor,” pleads Hymie. "I can't remember anything for more than a few
minutes. It is driving me crazy.”

“I see,” says the shrink. "And how long have you had the problem?” Hymie
pauses, then says thoughtfully, “What problem?”

Teddy Bearson is visiting the psychiatrist, Doctor Mindbender. "Okay, Teddy,"

says the Shrink, "what's this?" and he shows Teddy a triangle. "That's a
keyhole," says Teddy, "and what's going on behind there!” Mindbender then
shows Teddy a rectangle. "What's this?" he asks. “A motel window," says Teddy,
"and what's going on behind THERE!” Mindbender shows Teddy a circle.
"What's this?" he asks. "A porthole," replies Teddy. "And boy, oh boy," he
continues, "what's going on m’THERE.”

"Well," says Mindbender, "you certainly are sexually disturbed.”

"I am sexually disturbed?“ Teddy exclaims. "What about YOU? - showing me

all those dirty pictures!”

In the busy New York traffic, a taxi driver runs into the back of the car of Dr.
Feelgood, the psychiatrist. Dr. Feelgood jumps out of his car, shakes his fist at
the cabby and screams, "Why the hell can't you look where you are going, you
idiot?”

Then suddenly, he remembers his profession. He looks tenderly at the taxi

driver, and says softly, "Let me put it this way - why do you hate your mother?”

Little Ernie has been driving his mother crazy, so she starts visiting a
psychiatrist. On her second visit the shrink asks her, "Have the tranquilizers
calmed you down?”

"Yes," replies Ernie's mother. "And how is your little Ernie?" he asks. She looks
up and says, "Who cares?”

Leo Tallboy, the great novelist has been locked away in a mental asylum for
years. But at last there seems to be some hope of recovery. For three months he
sits at his typewriter in his room, writing out his new Russian novel. Finally Leo
announces that it is complete and brings it to the top shrink who grabs it eagerly
and starts to read: "General Popova leaped on his faithful horse and yelled, ‘Gid
up! Gid up! Gid up!’"

Then the shrink thumbs through the rest of the book, "Why, there is nothing
here but five hundred pages of Gid ups!" he says. "I know," says Leo. "Stubborn
horse.”

Doctor Mindbender, the head of the psychiatric hospital gets a flat tire in the
parking lot, and when he takes the wheel off he accidentally drops the wheel-
nuts down the drain.

He is at a loss what to do when Loony Larry, one of the inmates, walks up and
tells him to take one nut from each of the other wheels and that will last until he
gets to a garage. Mindbender is very impressed and says, "That's good thinking
on your part, young man.

Why are you in here?”

"I'm crazy,” replies Larry, “not stupid.”

The professor asks the young girl in his psychology class, "Which part of the
body expands to ten times its natural size under an emotional impact?”
Blushing, the girl replies, "I would rather not answer that.”

The professor calls on the boy sitting next to her who promptly replies, "The
pupil of the eye.” The professor turns back to the girl and says, "Your confusion
shows three things. One, that you did not do your homework; two, that you have
a dirty mind; and three, that one day you will be sadly disappointed.”

Mrs. Ginsberg walks into her psychoanalyst’s office, dragging her husband
behind her.

"My poor husband," she says "He's convinced he's a parking meter.”

The analyst looks at the silent, broody guy and asks, "Why doesn't he say
something for himself ? Can't he talk?”

"How can he," says Mrs. Ginsberg, "with all those corns in his mouth?”
Muffin Snuffler is suffering from what appears to be a case of shattered nerves.
So after a long spell of heavy drinking and deep depression he finally decides to
pay a visit to Doctor Mindbender, the psychiatrist. The shrink asks Muffin a few
questions and begins to get the picture.

"Mister Snuffler," declares Doctor Mindbender, "you are in serious trouble. You
are living with some terrible, evil thing - something that is possessing you from
morning to night. You must find out what it is and destroy it!”

"Shhhhhh, doctor," whispers Muffin, nervously. "Not so loud - she is sitting out
in the waiting room!”

Doctor Chill, the Californian psychiatrist is driving along in his car, when he
sees a man lying on the sidewalk. He stops his car and gets out. It turns out the
man has been mugged and left for dead.

“Quick," says Chill", "tell me who did this to you; he needs help immediately!”

Newton Hooton goes into the "Hog on Ice" restaurant and orders a glass of
water. As Walter the waiter puts the glass on the table, Newton picks it up and
throws it in his face. "Ah! I am terribly sorry," says Newton. "I suffer from a rare
tropical disease called the ‘Heebie Jeebies’ and it makes me do all sorts of weird
things. Of course I am always REALLY embarrassed later.”

"Well, that's okay," says Walter, drying his face. "But I think you ought to go and
see my psychiatrist friend, Doctor Feelgood.”

A few weeks later, Newton Hooton comes back into the "Hog On Ice" and
orders a glass of water from Walter. Walter brings the water and places it in
front of Newton, and gets the water thrown right back into his face.

"I told you to go and see a shrink'!" shouts the waiter. "I did," replies Newton.
"Well, it didn't do any good, did it?" rages Walter. "Yes it did," replies Newton,
"because now I don't feel embarrassed at all!”

Hymie Goldberg is lying on the psychiatrist's couch. "So what seems to be the
problem?” the shrink asks. "Well, Doc," Hymie replies.

"For the past two months, every morning at eight-thirty, I take a huge shit!”
"Really?" says the psychiatrist, after a moment's silence. "Why, millions of
people would love to be that regular. So, what is the problem?”

"Well, Doc," Hymie replies, "I don't get out of bed until nine!”

Pope the Polack has a terrible problem: he wets his bed. He gets so embarrassed
by this habit that he goes to see Doctor Feelgood, the psychiatrist, in the hope of
a cure.

"Sit down, your holiness," says Feelgood, "and tell me all about it.”

"Well," says the Polack pope, "every night, when I go to sleep, I dream about
this little red devil with horns and a tail, who says to me, ‘Pope, now it is time to
do a pee-pee.’ And then, when I wake up, I find that I have wet my bed.”

"That is very interesting," says the shrink, "but very simple to cure. Next time
this little red devil comes into your dreams and tells you to urinate, just say, ‘No,
Devil! I don't need to pee - I don't WANT to pee - so I won’t!”

"Great idea!" says Pope the Polack, and he thanks Feelgood and goes back to the
Vatican. Sure enough, that night, when the Polack is asleep, the little red devil
with horns and a tail comes into his dreams and says, "Hey, Pope, now it is time
to pee-pee.”

But the pope says, "No,Devil - I don't need to pee - I don't WANT to pee - so I
won’t”.

"A-Ha!" says the devil. "So you don't want to pee-pee? Okay then, - tonight you
do KA-KA!”

Chester and Betty Cheese are having some trouble with their sex life. Betty
always has a headache when Chester wants to make love. So Chester sends her
to Doctor Feelgood, the psychiatrist, for treatment.

"It is simple to cure," says the shrink. "Whenever you feel a headache coming
on, just sit on the edge of your bed, and repeat over and over, ‘I have not got a
headache, I have not got a headache.’” Betty is doubtful about this, but the very
next night, she sits on the edge of her bed, and tries it out. And it works. So for
the next few weeks there is sexual harmony in the Cheese household. But then,
Chester gets a problem. He can't get his machinery hard anymore. So Betty
sends him to Doctor Feelgood. And sure enough, for the next few weeks there is
no stopping Chester - he has got the strength of a bull.

But he has one new habit, which annoys Betty. Every night, he insists on going
to the bedroom ten minutes before her. So, one night, she sneaks upstairs
behind Chester, and looks through the keyhole.

There is Chester, sitting on the edge of the bed, repeating over and over, "She is
not my wife….”

Luscious Miss Willing is having trouble sleeping. Her dreams and her reality are
so full of sexual activity that she cannot tell what is real and what is not. So she
goes to see Doctor Feelgood for professional help.

It is her first Visit, so Feelgood hears her problem, then starts yakkety-yakking
about all kinds of Freudian sexual terminology. "Wait a minute," interrupts Miss
Willing. "What is a phallic symbol?”

"A phallic symbol," explains Feelgood, "represents the phallus.”

"Okay," says the girl, "what is a phallus?”

"I guess," says Feelgood, a grin on his face, "the best way to explain it is to show
you.” So Feelgood stands up, unzips his pants, and pulls out his machinery.
"This, young lady,” says Feelgood, proudly, "is a phallus!”

"Oh!" says Miss Willing, smiling. "You mean it is like a prick, only smaller!”

Doctor Braino is a world-famous shrink who specializes in secretly treating

neurotic American politicians. It is a hopeless job, but he carries on anyway.
One day, Senator Donald Dixteen, the thirty-five-year-old Republican
Fundamentalist Christian Reagan-lover is sitting nervously in Dr. Braino's office.

"What can I do for you?” Braino asks Donald.

Donald looks around to make sure no one can hear him.

Then, in a quiet voice he says, "Doc, I'm not having any luck with women. I try
to be cool… I try to be a real hip cat, but I'm afraid that I'm a premature
ejaculator… I always come too soon.”
"Well," says Braino, studying Donald closely, "when does this usually occur with
the woman?”

"Well," says Donald, looking around, "Usually between ‘Hello,’ and ‘What is
your star sign?’”

On a foggy morning in Vienna, Austria, the two famous psychoanalysts, Doctor

Sigfried Mind, and Doctor Krazy Karl Kong, meet in the little Brown Danube
Cafe. Over a table set with coffee and cream cakes, Doctor Kong suddenly
jumps up, grabs Sigfried by the neck, and shakes him.

"We MUST go this time!" shouts Karl. "We have tried six times already! We
MUST go to the pyramids in Egypt to see the MUMMIES!”

"MUMMIES?" screeches Sigfried, collapsing into the cream cakes in a dead

faint. Doctor Kong pours coffee on Doctor Mind's head until he recovers.
"Come on, Mind,” cries Doctor Kong, slapping him across the face. "We can do
it! We have to explore this mystery of death!”

"DEATH?" screeches Mind, and he faints again into the plate of cream cakes.
Half an hour later, at the Vienna airport, Doctor Krazy Karl Kong is dragging
Doctor Sigfried Mind by the collar onto the plane bound for Cairo. "Come on,
Mind!" cries Krazy Kong, huffing and puffing. "We have made it this far, we
have got to see those mummies!”

"MUMMIES?" screeches Sigfried, falling in a faint on top of Nellie Knickers,

the stewardess. Kong and Nellie drag Mind to his seat, and strap him down.
The plane takes off, and three hours later, arrives in the Land of the Pyramids.
Kong carries the babbling Doctor Mind to the herd of rented camels, which are
waiting to take them to the pharaohs' tombs.

Doctor Kong shouts out to their guide, Abdul Babul, "Take us to the
mummies!”

"MUMMIES?" screeches Mind, fainting and falling straight off his camel, nose
first, into a sand dune. Two days later, the famous psychoanalysts and their
camels arrive at the huge pyramids.

Doctor Kong jumps down, lights a torch, grabs Doctor Mind by the collar, and
starts dragging him into the dark, mysterious crypts. Suddenly, in the darkness,
Doctor Kong trips over something. "What is that?" screeches Mind. "Ah! It is
alright - it is only a dead cat!" exclaims Doctor Kong. "DEATH!" screeches
Mind. And he falls over in a cold faint.

"Pull yourself together, Doctor" shouts Kong. "We are almost there!" And Kong
grabs Sigfried by the shoe, and drags him feet first towards a huge golden coffin.
"Stand up!" cries Doctor Kong, propping Mind up against the wall, and
handing him the burning torch.

Then Krazy Karl Kong bends over and lifts back the heavy, creaking coffin lid.
The lid falls to the ground with a loud crash, and when the dust clears, Doctor
Kong is left standing with his mouth wide open, gazing at the spooky sight
before his eyes.

He turns and grabs the frozen Doctor Mind by the collar and pulls his face
down into the coffin. "There!" shouts Kong, in triumph. "This is a MUMMY!”

"MUMMY?" screeches Sigfried. But he just stares in disbelief, with his eyes
popping out. "MUMMY?" he screeches again. "Hey, this looks more like
DADDY!”

THIS IS THE LAST JOKE EVER TOLD BY OSHO - IT IS PROBABLY

THE LONGEST JOKE, TOO!

30. THE WORLD OF OSHO
Maneesha has asked a question:

OUR BELOVED MASTER,

IS ENLIGHTENMENT SOMETHING LIKE GETTING THE PUNCHLINE TO

THE ULTIMATE JOKE?

Right, Maneesha. It IS the punchline of the ultimate joke. This begins the time for Sardar
Gurudayal Singh….

According to me the most hilarious thing in the world is man. Amongst all the animals, trees,
mountains, rivers, oceans, stars, clouds, man is the only hilarious animal…

Be more alert and watch and note down whenever you see something hilarious happening - and
particularly in my place. Where do you think I get all these jokes? My people just go on
watching each other and creating jokes and informing me. I never go out. But people are
learning watchfulness, so they come across so many hilarious things in themselves and in
others… They go on preparing jokes for me.

I’m never short of jokes, because in my place in twenty-four hours there is nothing else to do. It
is a continuous carnival.

For five years in a row the Annual International Joke Contest, held in NewYork,
has been won by Rabbi Finkelstein. But amazingly enough, this year his joke
only comes second.

And the organizers are forced to phone him to break the bad news.

"My God!" says Rabbi Funk. "I refuse to accept the verdict until I hear the joke
that beats me.”

“Well,” says the man, "the winning joke this year was submitted by Osho and I
am afraid that it may be a bit much for your ears. But I'll tell you what I can do.

I will read you the joke, and when I come to a part that is too much for you I
will substitute it with ‘la-di-da-di-da.’”

"Okay," says the rabbi, "fire away.”

The man clears his throat and then begins to read: "La-di-da. La-da-di-da. La-
di-da. Fuck.”
One night, the German Zen master, Stonehead Niskriya, decides that he wants
to get a date.

It is very difficult for Zen masters to get a date. He used to have a girlfriend.
When I was telling you that I cannot see this way…

(WITH CROSSED ARMS RAISED HIGH, THE MASTER INDICATES

TO BOTH SIDES OF THE AUDITORIUM, SIMULTANEOUSLY.)

… that girlfriend used to see this way! She always missed the Zen master Niskriya, so she
never knew who he is. But even she escaped. So he went to Germany - you can see, here he
could not find a single girl…! So he went to Germany and picked up a punk girl. Even that
punk girl has escaped! That’s why Niskriya is missing from his place. He has a fever!
Somebody has to have some compassion on him. He was thinking to go to Goa - not for Goa,
but just to find another punk. So this story comes right on time…

… One night, the German Zen master, Stonehead Niskriya, decides that he
wants to get a date. But recently, he has had trouble getting any women to go
out with him because they are afraid of his fierce appearance and his Zen stick.

So Stonehead has an idea. He disguises himself in a big overcoat, a black hat

and sunglasses. Then he goes into Zorba's and sits down next to Ma Papaya
Pineapple. They begin to talk. Stonehead buys her a piece of PIESTA, and one
thing leads to another, and finally Stonehead invites Papaya back to his room.

Papaya thinks this guy looks a bit weird wearing sunglasses at night, but thinks
to herself, "Ah! What the hell! My chakras are open this week!" And they go off
together.

When they get to his room, Stonehead turns off all the lights. "Well, Papaya,"
he says, “I only like to do it in the dark. Is that okay with you?”

"Sure," says Papaya, and they begin to get undressed.

Papaya is sitting on the edge of the bed in total darkness, and Stonehead is
standing next to her. When he bends over to take off his socks, Papaya reaches
out in the dark and touches Stonehead's shiny, bald head, hovering near her
face.

"Wow!" exclaims Papaya in shock. "You had better be careful with THAT
thing!”
(THERE WAS A CABARET SHOW IN BUDDHA AUDITORIUM AFTER
LAST NIGHT'S DISCOURSE AND THE EMCEE - AFTER CUDDLING
NISKRIYA AND BITING HIM ON THE SHOULDER! - PERSUADED
HIM TO COME OUT FROM BEHIND HIS CAMERA AND…)

I have heard that when I left… I would not have left if had known beforehand that Niskriya
was going to do the goose step. He did it perfectly although he did it wrongly. He is not a Nazi.

And I have received dozens of letters - all from Germans. They can be divided into three parts.
First, most of them are very jealous: "You are making Niskriya a hero. " I am not making
Niskriya a hero, he is a born hero. Heroes are not made.

The second part reacted greatly, "This is not right. This hurts our German pride.” I have
never thought that in my people there are also hiding a few German fascists. It is perfectly good
that you have become aware that you are carrying still that stupid idea that you are a German.

I don't mean that only Germans are stupid. Anybody who is carrying the idea that “I am
Indian, I am Iranian, I am Japanese”… these are all stupid people. An intelligent person
knows only that “I am a human being.” And the third part was angry because Niskriya did it,
and did it with intensity and perfectionism, but did it all wrong! They were angry that "This
is a caricature of the German heritage.”

You cannot drop your prejudices, you cannot drop your conditionings - even here. Just laugh
rightly! Otherwise I will again receive letters that people laugh, but they don’t laugh perfectly.
And find if anyone is frozen. Unfreeze them! And I will see about Niskriya later on.

One day at the Poona drugstore, Milarepa, Sarjano and Devageet come in to
buy some condoms. Milarepa goes first and says he would like a week's supply,
which is six. “Why only six?" asks the druggist.

"Well," says Milarepa, "these days I like to have Sunday off.”

Next, Sarjano walks up and asks for eight condoms.

"Eight?" says the druggist, "why eight?”

"Mama mia," says Sarjano, "I-a always like-a to do it twice-a on Sundays.”

And last Devageet walks up and asks for twelve. The druggist, looking at his size
and age, is astonished. "Twelve?" he says. "That is pretty impressive for a man
of your age. But tell me, why twelve?”
Devageet replies, “January, February, March…”

When Gautama the Buddha Auditorium becomes too small to contain all the
seekers coming to Poona, Osho goes on a tour of the universe looking for a new
site.

At one stop, he arrives at the Pearly Gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. The
Christian saint takes one look at the man before him, and nearly faints.

"My God! You? Up here? And you want a two-week tourist visa?" cries Peter. "I
must have a talk with God first." And Saint Peter scuttles away to find God
Almighty.

God is not very pleased at Saint Peter’s news, and after a lot of deep thought, he
tells Saint Peter, "Okay. He can stay for a short while, but only on one condition:
no discourses!”

A couple of weeks later, God runs into Saint Peter again. "How is everything
going with ‘You-know-who'?" asks God. "Is everything all right?”

“Just great, Swami-ji!" replies Saint Peter. "Everything is YAA-HOO!”

It is the last day of the holiday season in Goa, and tomorrow Gorgeous Gloria
and Sardar Gurudayal Singh will be going their separate ways as their seaside
friendship comes to an end.

That night, in Sardar Gurudayal Singh's hotel room, Gloria leans close to
Sardarji's ear and whispers, "Since this is our last chance together, I would like
to do something different tonight!”

"Okay," agrees Sardar Gurudayal Singh. "Then you try to kiss ME, and I will
slap YOUR face!”

Sardar Gurudayal Singh is rumbling along MG. Road in his old Ambassador
car when he gets pulled over by Officer Ghansu of the Poona traffic police.
Officer Ghansu looks inside the car and sees a big black hole in the dashboard.

"What happened to your speedometer?” asks Officer Ghansu. "I sold it," replies
Sardar Gurudayal Singh. "I don't need it any more.”
"What do you mean, you don't need it any more?" shouts the cop. "How can
you tell how fast you are going?”

"That is easy," laughs Sardar Gurudayal Singh. "At twenty miles an hour, the
fenders rattle. At thirty, the doors rattle. At forty, my turban rattles. At fifty, my
teeth rattle. And at sixty, my teeth fall out!”

Swami Deva Cleverhead, the group therapist, is walking out of the front gate
one night.

"Hello, sir," says Black-Fat, the flower-seller. "Buy roses for your lovely wife?”
"I haven't got a wife," snaps Cleverhead, waving him away.
"Okay," says Black-Fat, "roses for your girlfriend?”
"No," screams Cleverhead. "I haven't got a girlfriend either!”
"Okay," says Black-Fat," then buy two bunches - to celebrate your good luck!”

Lucifer, the devil, is quietly toasting some bread for his afternoon tea over the
eternal fires of hell. Suddenly, there is a loud crash at the gate.

The devil looks around in alarm and sees a long, silver Rolls Royce driving in
through the roaring flames. The Rolls Royce has a young girl screaming with
delight on the front of the car, and a large man, wearing a turban, standing on
the back bumper - laughing as hard as he can.

Holding on to the man at the back of the car is a long line of people, singing
and celebrating. The new arrivals soon make themselves at home, and the devil
finds that hell is no longer like it used to be.

So Lucifer phones God to come and help straighten things out. When God
arrives, he is amazed by what he sees. "What has happened to all the eternal
fires and damnation?" asks God. "This place is nothing like the way we advertise
it on earth!”

"I know, it is terrible!" sniffs the devil. "Ever since Osho drove in here with his
sannyasins, the whole place has had to be centrally air-conditioned!”

Sardar Gurudayal Singh has a new job as a waiter in the swank Ken's House of
Pancakes. TWO gentlemen have just finished their dinner, and Sardar
Gurudayal Singh approaches them.
"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" asks Sardar Gurudayal Singh.
"I will have tea," says the first man.
"Yes, I will also have tea," says the second,"but make certain the glass is clean.”

A few minutes later, Sardarji returns and says, "Here we are, two teas. Now,
which one of you gentlemen asked for the clean glass?”

Swami Deva Coconut is standing in his bamboo house watching the waters rise
around his ankles. It has been raining constantly for four days and the sky is still
grey and wet.

As the water reaches his knees, Coconut climbs onto his suitcase, and when the
water reaches to his knees again, he goes outside and climbs onto the roof of his
bamboo house.

Just then, Ma Mango Milkshake comes past on a small raft. "Come on,
Coconut!" she calls out, "come for a ride!”

"No thanks," he replies. "I am just going to wait here, and watch.”

Slowly, the water climbs up the side of the bamboo house, and starts to wash
against Coconut's ankles again. Swami Cleverhead, the group leader, rows up in
a small rowboat; The boat is leaking water fast, but Cleverhead seems to be
managing.

"Come on, Coconut!" calls Cleverhead. "Let’s get out of here!”

"No thanks," replies Coconut. "I'm just waiting here and watching.”

A half an hour later, Coconut has water around his neck, on top of his bamboo
house. Just then, Captain Cliffski and Captain Kurtski, the famous Polack pilots,
fly over in a borrowed helicopter. Captain Cliffski sees Coconut, and leans out
of the window.

"Come on now, Coconut!" he shouts, "or you are going to be drowned!”

Coconut waves back, "I am just waiting here and watching!" he shouts.

Later, somewhere in the realms of the universe, Swami Deva Coconut meets
Osho, and he seems really pissed off about something.

"I waited and I waited, I watched, I witnessed," exclaims Coconut, "and you
never came to rescue me!”
"My God!" says Osho, "I sent you two boats and a helicopter!”

Three sannyasin kids meet in the ashram and start talking together.

"You know," says the German kid, "my uncle is a priest, and all the people call
him ‘holy father.’”

"That's nothing," says the Japanese kid. "My grandfather is a Zen master, and
even the emperor touches his feet.”

"That's nothing, you guys," says the American kid. "My mother weighs three
hundred pounds, and when she walks down the street, people take one look at
her and say, ‘MY GOD!’”

Swami Deva Coconut manages to get a job on Nancy Reagan's personal staff.
One day, he overhears Nancy complaining to Ed Meese that she and Ronnie
are having a lot of trouble with their love life.

At a suitable moment, Swami Coconut takes Nancy aside and suggests that she
should try mounting on top of her husband, instead of lying underneath in the
traditional missionary position. Nancy‘s Fundamentalist Christian morals are
rather shocked, but she is so desperate that she agrees to give it a go.

The next morning, a delighted Nancy meets Coconut in the library. "It was like
magic,” gushes Nancy, breathlessly. "It was wonderful. But tell me, Mr. Coconut,
how did you know a simple thing like that would make all the difference?”

"Easy," replies Coconut. "Everyone knows that Ronald Reagan can only fuck
UP!”

Swami Haridas and Stonehead Niskriya are talking one day in Osho Cafe. "Hey
man," says Haridas to his friend, "how come you got home so early from your
date with Papaya Pineapple last night?”

“Well,” explains Stonehead, "after dinner we went back to her apartment. We

sat on her bed listening to music, talked for a while, and drank some herb tea.

Then she slowly undressed, pulled back the bed covers, lay down, reached over
me, and turned out the light.”
“So?" asks Haridas. "What happened?”

"Well, I can take a hint," replies Stonehead. "So I went home!”

On a trip to Rome, Sarjano is driving down the street in Jayesh's bright red
Ferrari at about a hundred and fifty miles an hour. Suddenly, from a side street,
the Popemobile pulls out in front of him. With no time for Sarjano to hit the
brakes, there is a colossal collision.

The next thing they know, Pope the Polack and Sarjano are watching their souls
departing the earth together. Of course, there is a bureaucratic, computerized
mix-up on the way to Heaven, and as a result, Sarjano is sent to the Pearly
Gates, while Pope the Polack is sent to Hell.

The Polack pope, obviously pissed off that he is in the wrong place, soon
convinces those in charge that there has been a mistake. And in the blink of an
eye, he is transported to the Pearly Gates.

As he walks into Heaven, he meets Sarjano just coming out. "I'm really sorry
about this,” says the pope, bending to kiss the Gates, "but I have waited all my
life to kneel at the feet of the Blessed Virgin Mary, the purest virgin who has
ever lived.”

Sarjano flashes a bright smile at the Polack pope. "Sorry, Father," he says,
buttoning his pants, "But you are-a too late!”

Bernie Bush, the ace political reporter for the American Righteous News, is
having a day off with his family at the zoo.

They are walking by the lions’ cage, when Bernie notices a young boy reaching
his hands through the bars to pet one of the lions.

Another huge lion suddenly leaps forward with a tremendous roar, but at the
last second, the boy is swept to safety by a man in the crowd.

Spotting a sensational story, Bernie approaches the man and says, "Excuse me,
sir, but that was an incredible display of instant courage. I want to write a story
about you for my newspaper. Tell me, where do you get such courage?”

"Simple," says Swami Deva Coconut, "I'm a disciple of Osho.”

"What?" shouts the right-wing reporter, turning and walking away, "This will
make a real story for sure!”

The following day, the headline of the American Righteous News reads: "Osho
Disciple Snatches Lunch From Hungry African Immigrant!”

Swami Bharti Barfi is sitting in Bodhidharma Tea Garden with Swami

Beyondananda.

"Hey, man!" says Barfi. "Your girlfriend… wow! Every day I see her with a
different guy!”

"Really?" replies Beyondananda. "It can't be true.”

"Come with me," says Barfi, and the two friends go to the smoking temple.
There is Beyondananda's girlfriend, Ma Mango Milkshake, wrapped around
another man.

"See!" says Barfi. "Aren't you going to go over there and primally encounter that
guy to show him what you learned in your group?”

"Well," sighs Beyondananda. "Let's meditate for a few minutes until she grabs
someone more skinny.”

Proper Sagar has arrived. Many of you may not know him - he is a very ancient sannyasin -
but most of the old sannyasins will remember Proper Sagar. He is so proper in everything…

Proper Sagar goes to visit Italian Doctor Azima.

He hangs up his umbrella and his hat. Then he takes off his jacket, his shirt and
tie, and his trousers - folding them up very neatly and putting them on the chair.
Then he takes off his shoes and puts them under the chair, straight. Then he
takes off his underwear, folds them nicely, and also puts them on the chair.

Standing stiffly in front of Azima, Sagar calmly says, "As you can see, Doctor,
my left testicle hangs lower than my right one.”

"Oh," smiles Azima, "but that-a is perfectly normal. You have-a nothing to
worry about.”
"I am not worrying," replies Proper Sagar. "But don't you think it is a bit
untidy?”

It is a fateful day m the Kingdom of Kwatz! Three notorious criminals - Gunn,

the German; Andre, the Frenchman; and Sagar, the Proper - are all being
brought up to the guillotine for execution.

Gunn, the German, climbs the long stairs, and the black-hooded executioner
asks him, "How do you want to go, face-up or face-down?”

The German stiffens up proudly and shouts, "I am the bravest of Germans, I
vill vatch it coming - put me face-up!”

He is placed on the block face-up and the executioner pulls the lever. The blade
comes hurtling down, and at the very last moment screeches to a halt, just
millimeters from the German's neck.

"Hooray!" shouts the crowd. "It's a miracle! It's a miracle! Set him free! Set him
free!" and Gunn, the German, is set free.

Then Andre, the Frenchman, is brought up. "Which way do you want to go?”
asks the black-hooded executioner, "face-up or face-down?”

"I am a man of zee earth!" exclaims Andre. "I will go face-down!” The
Frenchman is placed face-down on the block. The huge guillotine blade is
slowly raised into position. There is a tense hush over the crowd. Then the lever
is pulled and the blade plunges with tremendous force towards the waiting
Frenchman's neck — but at the last moment it screeches to a grinding halt.

"Another miracle! Another miracle!" screams the crowd. "Free him, too! Let
him go!" And the Frenchman is set free.

Then Sagar, the Proper, carefully mounts the stage stairs. Adjusting his crystal
necklace, combing his hair and removing some dust off his shirt, he stands
ready before the executioner.

"So what will it be for you?" asks the executioner, removing his hood to reveal
himself as the Master of Masters, Osho. "Face-up or face-down?”

"Are you kidding?" says Proper Sagar, bowing to touch The Master's feet. "I'm
not going near that thing until you get it fixed!”
I have told Devageet, "You must cut your sex life to half." He inquired of me:
“Which half ? thinking about it or talking about it?”

Devageet and two friends are hailing a rickshaw when they see pretty young Ma
Yoga Butter also trying to hail the same rickshaw.

Devageet, seeing the situation and being such a gentleman, offers, "Come on,
Butter, you might as well sit on my lap. I'm too old to give you my seat, and
don't worry, I'm too old for it to be dangerous for you to sit on my lap.”

Yoga Butter smiles and accepts the invitation. But after jolting along Bund
Garden Road in the rickshaw for a while with Butter bouncing all over his lap,
Devageet smiles and says, "I'm afraid I was wrong, Butter.You will have to get
off. I'm not as old as I thought I was!”

Milarepa, Devageet and Sarjano find themselves sitting outside Pythagoras

Clinic waiting to see Italian Doctor Azima.

"What are you guys here for?" asks Devageet.

"It's-a my prick," admits Sarjano, nervously. "It has turned bright-a orange!”
"What?" exclaim Milarepa and Devageet together.
"That is what I'm here for," says Milarepa.
"And me too!" exclaims Devageet.

So the three swamis enter the clinic together. Undressing, Milarepa and
Devageet expose their bright orange machinery, and Sarjano unrolls his
sausage.

"My God!" says Azima. "That is amazing!" And he starts to make her
examinations.

"How is” your sex-a life?" asks Azima. "Do you make-a love once a night?”
The three swamis look at each other and shake their heads in silence.
"Well-a, how-a about twice a week?" continues Azima.
"There was a time…” reflects Milarepa. Devageet and Sarjano nod quietly.
"Well-a, how about twice a month-a?" asks Azima.
"I wish!" says Devageet, dreamily.
"Once a month?" suggests Azima. There is another silence.
"Well, that's-a okay then!" says Azima. "Don't-a be worried. It is just-a rust!”
Swami Deva Coconut arrives in Bombay airport with his pet parrot on his
shoulder. He is intercepted by an Indian customs official who says, "Hey, stop!
You have got to pay 1m’port duty on that parrot!”

"How much?" asks Coconut.

"Let me see," says the official, paging through his imports book. "Here we are,"
he continues. "Five hundred rupees for an alive parrot, one hundred rupees for
a stuffed one.”

"Hey, Coconut," screams the parrot. "Don't get any crazy ideas!”

It is monsoon in Poona, and Swami Deva Coconut meets Swami Veet Herschel
on M.G. Road. "Hi, Coconut!" says Herschel. "I have been meaning to ask you,
can I have back the umbrella that you borrowed from me?”

"Oh, sorry," says Coconut. "I lent it to a friend of mine. Do you want it?”

"Not for myself," replies Herschel. "But the swami I borrowed it from says the
owner wants it back!”

Swami Bharti Barfi, one of Osho's Indian disciples, is sitting on an Air India
plane with the Shankaracharya of Puri and some of his aides.

They are cruising at thirty-five thousand feet over the Indian sub-continent,
when the shankaracharya suddenly feels very generous.

“If I throw this hundred-rupee note out the window," he says, "I will make one
harijan very happy.”

One of his aides adds, "But if you throw out two fifty-rupee notes, you will
make two people happy. “

And the other aide says, "Well, why not throw out one hundred one-rupee
notes, and make one hundred people happy?”

At this point Swami Bharti Barfi stands up and says, "Why don't you make nine
hundred million people happy and throw YOURSELF out the window?”
After a wild Saturday night of partying, Swami Deva Coconut is hauled off to a
Sunday morning Mass by his Catholic girlfriend, Beverly. Since he is totally
ignorant of the various rituals involved, Beverly is constantly coaching him.

"Bless yourself," she whispers. "Now kneel down - sit down - stand up - sit down
again - cross yourself…” - and so on.

Perspiring from all this activity, Coconut takes out a handkerchief from his
pocket to wipe his face. Then he lays it on his lap to dry. Seeing this, Beverly
leans over and whispers, "Is your zipper open?”

"No," replies Coconut hastily, "should it be?”

Old Priest Pooper dies, and leaves only unpaid bills behind. After the doctors,
the hospital, and all the others are settled, there is no money left to bury the old
guy. So Grandma Nutcan decides she will go around the town and ask those
who knew the priest to help provide a decent burial.

She finds it is not an easy task, but after many long hours of devoted work, her
collection is only one dollar short for the funeral. She looks around, but it seems
she has asked everyone. Suddenly she spies a stranger sitting at the bus stop.
Amazingly, it turns out to be Swami Deva Coconut.

Grandma approaches him and says in a tired and worried voice, "Would you
give me a dollar to bury a priest?”

Coconut jumps up, pulls out his wallet, and hands her some money. "Lady," he
says, “here are FIVE dollars. Go out and bury five of them!”

Devageet falls in love with an eighteen-year-old girl and they go off to Goa for a
honeymoon. When they get back, a friend says to him', "Tell me, how was it?”

"It was beautiful," says Devageet. "The sun, the sea… we made love almost
every night.”

"Wait a minute," says his friend. "A man of your age - how did you manage
that?”

"Well," says Devageet. "We almost made love on Monday, almost on

Tuesday…”
Ma Papaya Pineapple is standing naked on the floor, talking endlessly. Swami
Deva Coconut is lying naked at her feet.

"My life is empty!" cries Papaya Pineapple. "It is a mockery… I am nothing, just
a facade, a shell - a dead and useless thing! I am twenty-six years old, and I have
never had a meaningful relationship, never had a truly meaningful relationship.
I should not admit that, I suppose. It is very humiliating! I have passed from one
shallow sexual episode to another. That is the story of my entire life, one
shallow clutching incident after another. My relationships have no deep, lasting
significance. If I could just once lie down and have something meaningful
happen!”

Coconut replies, from the floor, "Have you ever tried talking less, and lying
down sooner?”

A Russian, a Cuban, a Catholic priest and Swami Deva Coconut are on a train
traveling across Europe. The Russian takes out a large bottle of vodka. He
pours each of his companions a drink, and then throws the half-full bottle out
of the window. "Why did you do that?" asks Swami Coconut.

"There is so much vodka in my country," replies the Russian. "We have more
than we can ever use.”

A little later, the Cuban passes around a box of Cuban cigars. Everyone takes
one, then he throws the rest of the box out of the window.

"My god!" says Coconut. "Why did you do that?”

"Cigars," replies the Cuban, "are a dime a dozen in my country. We have more
of them than we know what to do with!”

Coconut sits in silence for a moment. Then he gets up, grabs the Catholic priest
and throws him out of the window.

Ma Papaya Pineapple says to Ma Mango Milkshake, "I have got a terrible

headache!”

"Well," says Mango, "when I have a headache my boyfriend soothes all the pain
away. First he rubs the back of my neck, and then he rubs my forehead lightly.
Then he kisses me a little here and a little there. Then he strokes me a little here
and a little there, and then he squeezes me a little here and a little there, and
before you know. it, no more headache! Why don't you try it?" ‘

"Mmm," smiles Papaya Pineapple. "I think I will. When does your boyfriend get
home?”

Swami Deva Coconut's mother, Mrs. Cherrypit, is gossiping to a friend outside

the supermarket. "You should see my boy," says Mrs. Cherrypit. "He has taken
up meditation.”

"Really?" replies her friend. "That's a pity, but I guess it is better than sitting
around and doing nothing.”

Nancy Reagan is worried about Ronald. He seems to be gaining more and

more weight, but refuses to take any exercise. Finally, in desperation, Nancy
takes him to the new fitness clinic downtown.

Later, when she comes to pick up Ronnie, she finds the unfortunate president in
agony. He is hooked up to a monitoring machine, with wires coming out of all
parts of his body. He is shaking and moaning, and sweat is dripping from his
body like a waterfall.

"Great news, Mrs. Reagan!" cries Bruno Truckteeth, the attendant. "He has lost
five pounds today.”

"Wonderful," says Nancy. "How did you manage it?”

"Simple," says Bruno, and he goes and whispers something in Ronnie's ear. The
president’s body starts shaking and sweating as if he is running a marathon.

“Jesus Christ!" cries Nancy. "What did you say to him?"

Bruno winks and says, "Osho for president. Yaa-Hoo!”

IN THE RUN-UP TO THE 1988 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS, OSHO IS

INVITED BY GLOBAL PROMOTIONS, A U.S. BASED COMPANY TO
STAND FOR PRESIDENT. AS A JOKE OSHO ACCEPTS…
It is January, 1989, and Osho has been elected President of the United States.
Swami Deva Coconut has just moved back to the States and he goes into his
favorite bar, The Hilarious Horse Pub, and says to the bartender, "Give me a
glass of beer. And put on the six o’clock news - I want to see President Reagan's
latest speech to the nation.”

"I am sorry," says the bartender, "but Reagan is no more in office; Osho is
president.”

The next evening Coconut goes into the same bar and says, "Give me a beer,
and put on the six o'clock news. I want to see Reagan's latest speech to the
nation.”

"But I told you yesterday," says the bartender, "Osho is president now." But the
same thing happens every day that week.

Finally, on Saturday, the bartender loses his temper. So when Coconut asks to
see Reagan on TV, the poor guy freaks out. "Look here, you dodo!" he shouts.
"Every night you ask to see Reagan on TV, and every night I tell you that Osho
is president. Don't you understand?”

"Of course I do," says Coconut; "But I just like to hear you say it!”

Ronald Reagan is sitting in the barber's chair having a haircut, when the barber
casually says to him, "Hey, Ronnie, the newspapers reported today that Osho
told a great joke about you.

"Yeah? What did he say?" asks Reagan.

"It was about how you became the president of the United States after a
surgeon grafted a smile onto a donkey!”

Reagan, who shows no sign of discomfort, mumbles to the barber, "Yeah, very
funny. Just finish my haircut, and I will have a shave as soon as you are finished.”

"Hey, Ronnie," continues the barber, "and did you hear what Osho said about
you being worse than Adolf Hitler, Mussolini", and Ivan the Terrible put
together?”

Ronald Reagan's face turns bright red but he does not say a word. The barber
continues, "And did you hear what Osho said about…?”
Ronald Reagan interrupts the barber, saying, "Will you just get on with the
haircut. Why are you always so interested in Osho, anyway?!”

"Well," replies the barber, "besides the fact that he is a very far out guy, every
time I mention the name Osho, your hair stands on end and it makes it a lot
easier to cut!”

An Osho sannyasin asks an Indian in a chai shop for information. He says,

"Excuse me, where can I buy some shampoo?”

The chaiwallah says, "You are from which country?”

"Australia," says the sannyasin.
"America?" queries the Indian.
"Not America - Australia!”
"England? Germany?… good. You are married?”
"Not married," says the swami. "But where can I buy some shampoo?”
"What you want?" asks the Indian.
"Shampoo!" cries the sannyasin.
"For what you want this?" inquires the Indian.
"To wash my balls!" snaps the sannyasin. "What do you think’?"
"Oh yes," says the Indian, "you are a tourist or you are coming for study?”
"I want to buy some shampoo. Do you know where I can buy some?”
"What? What you want?" says the Indian casually.
"Shampoo!" screams the sannyasin.
"Oh yes, you can buy," replies the Indian.
"But where can I buy it?" the sannyasin asks hopefully.
"In shop you can buy," answers the Indian.
"Yes, but which shop?" pleads the sannyasin.
"What you want?" asks the Indian.
In desperation the sannyasin screams, "I want some fucking shampoo!”
"No!" shouts the Indian, standing up, "no fucking here!”

Sardar Gurudayal Singh is driving down M.G. Road one day in a brand new
Maruti car. His friend, Sarjano, stops him and says, "Hey-a Sardarji, where did-
a you get that brand-a new car?”

"Well," replies Sardar Gurudayal Singh, "I was going for a spin to Mulshi Lake
on my old Yezdi motorbike, when I saw this sexy American girl, Ma Papaya
Pineapple, stranded by the side of the road in this car. So I stopped and fixed
the car for her.”
"Far out-a," says Sarjano. "Then what happened?”

"Well," continues Sardar Gurudayal Singh, "Ma Papaya Pineapple looks at me

in a very sexy way, nudges me in the belly and says, ‘Thanks man, I'm really
grateful. I will give you anything you want!’

"So naturally," adds Sardarji, "I took the Maruti!”

Little Muni Bramachappati, youngest daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Rama

Bramachappati, a fifteen-year-old child, is suddenly awakened by deep moaning
and groaning coming from the neighbor's flat in "D" building, Popular Heights.

Sleepy-eyed, she goes into her parents room and asks, "Mom, what is that noise
coming from next door?”

"Don't bother about it, dear," says Mrs. Bramachappati. "That young German
lady must have a headache.”

Twenty minutes later, little Muni is woken again. "Hey mom," she cries. "It
sounds like the young German lady is really suffering now!”

“Just don't bother about it, dear," replies her mother. "She must be having a
fever - just go to sleep.”

A few minutes later little Muni is woken again. But this time it is a male voice
joining in chorus, yelping and roaring, followed by deep silence.

"Mom! Mom! Call the doctor!" cries Muni.

"What is it?" asks Mrs. Bramachappati.

"Well," says Muni, "that poor German girl's fever has just infected that nice
American man from downstairs!”

Sardar Gurudayal Singh from Poona decides to go to Singapore for some

shopping. He goes into a shop, dressed in his best flowing robes, curly shoes and
turban, and asks, “What is the price of that video machine in the window?”

The salesman answers, "Sorry, sir, we don't sell to Indians.” Sardar Gurudayal
Singh is very shocked. So he goes back to his hotel and dresses as an
Englishman in a pin-striped suit, with all his hair pushed up into a bowler hat.
Back at the shop he asks, "My good man, what is the price of that video in the
window?”

To his dismay the seller replies, "Sorry, sir, we don't sell to Indians!”

So this time Sardar Gurudayal Singh dresses as an American. He lets all his hair
down, puts on Bermuda shorts, T-shirt and sunglasses, and goes back into the
shop.

"Hey, man!" he says. "How much for that far-out video machine?" But he gets
the same reply. In exasperation Sardar Gurudayal Singh cries, "How do you
know that I am an Indian?”

"That’s easy," replies the seller. "The article in the window that you desire is not
a video, it is a washing machine!”

Hymie Goldberg and his son, Swami Deva Herschel, are discussing Herschel's
coming trip to Poona. "You know son," says Hymie, "you can get very sick in
India.”

"I know," replies Herschel, "and I can get killed walking across Fifth Avenue in
New York.”

"Well," urges Hymie, "at least think of your mother. She is worried sick.”
"She is always worried sick," snaps Herschel.
"Well," says Hymie, "this guy you are going to see, is he Jewish?”
"Hell, no," replies Herschel, "he even works on the Sabbath.”

Disgusted, Hymie snaps back, "You know, son, if you carry on like this, you will
amount to NOTHING.”

"Wow, Dad," says Herschel, "you really DO understand.”

Swami Deva Herschel has only been in Poona for a week, when he meets a
gorgeous Ma, and invites her out to dinner. They go to the Regency Hotel and
feast on Italian spaghetti, Japanese sushi, and French wine.

For dessert, they choose German chocolate cake and finish up with Brazilian
coffee. When the waiter brings them the bill, Herschel finds that he has left his
wallet at home. So he takes out a picture of Osho and hands it to the waiter.
"What is this?" demands the waiter. "THIS," replies Herschel, "is my Zen
master card!”

The famous Indian driver, Rambo Rickshaw, is chewing pan and hanging out
by the German Bakery. Suddenly, Swami Herschel comes running up. "Quick!"
says Herschel, "I am sick! Do you know where Ruby Hall is?”

"How are you?" says Rambo Rickshaw. "What is your country?”

"Please, I'm very will," pleads Herschel. "Do you know Ruby Hall?”
"Where you are going? England? Are you England-man?" asks Rambo.
"Help," moans Herschel, turning a little green,” … Ruby Hall.”
"Airport going? No problem!" says Rambo.
"Quickly," gasps Herschel, lying in the back seat. "Can you take me to…”
"Where you are going?" says Rambo. "Germany? Are you Germany-man?”
"Aaahhg!" groans Herschel.
“M.G. Road? Shopping? Change money?" asks Rambo Rickshaw.
"No, no, Ruby Hall, Ruby Hall!" gasps Herschel.
"Ruby Hall? That is hospital. You are sick?" says Rambo.
“Jesus Christ!" yells Herschel.
"Oh, you are American," smiles Rambo. "I know California. You want Poona
tour?”
"No!" cries Herschel, "I want fucking Ruby Hall!”
"Fucking who?" shouts Rambo Rickshaw. "No! Get out! No fucking here!”

Sarjano goes into the medical center and asks Dr. Azima for some condoms.

"These-a are the best-a ones," says Azima, handing him a packet.

But Sarjano interrupts him and says, "Don't-a worry, the cheapest will-a do.”

So Azima gives him the cheapest and Sarjano pays.

Then he immediately opens the pack, pulls out a condom, unrolls it, throws it
on the floor and begins to stamp on it with his foot.

"What-a the hell are you-a doing?" cries Azima.

"Don't-a stop me," says Sarjano. "This is-a exactly the way I-a gave up
smoking!”
Ma Papaya Pineapple is doing her new group, the Primal-Encounter-Breath
Massage of the Neo-Rebalancing-Psychic Inner-Release. Of course, half way
through the group she falls madly in love with the therapist, Swami Deva
Cleverhead. But the rules are that she cannot connect with the therapist until
the group is over.

Finally, the group ends and Papaya Pineapple rushes home. She showers, and
puts on her sexiest silk and satin see-through sari. Then she finds Cleverhead
and invites him to dinner at the Blue Diamond.

After they finish dining, Papaya Pineapple buys brandy and dessert, still hoping
for a big night. At last she invites him up to her flat for an after-dinner herb tea.

Sitting on her huge bed, she lays back and smiles. After a long silence - a very
long silence - Swami Cleverhead says, "My feeling about you, Papaya, is that
you want something but you just don't put it out.”

"Put it out?" cries Papaya. "Thank you for sharing, Swami, but don't you think
it's time that YOU put it IN?”

Sarjano goes to see Dr. Azima in the medical center. "Mama-mia," says
Sarjano, "I think-a I got-a flying crabs!" Azima is amazed and takes a test.

Sarjano anxiously awaits the results. He is dismayed to see Azima come back
with a sad look on her face. "I am-a sorry, Sarjano," says Azima, "but I have-a
some good news and-a some bad news.”

"Give-a me the good news," replies Sarjano.

"The good-a news," says Azima, "is-a that those flying crabs you-a had, turned
out to be-a fruit flies.”

"Great-a!" cries Sarjano, "and what about the bad news?”

"I am sorry," says Azima, "but the bad-a news is, your banana is-a dead!”

Dr. Ekdam Kwality is feeling that his private practice has been going slowly
lately, when in walks Swami Herschel with stomach cramps.

"Oh dear," says the doctor. "I am afraid I will have to operate.”
"What! Really?" cries Swami Herschel. "Surgery for amoebas?”

"Yes, yes, don't be worried - it is very common," says the doctor. "It will only
cost twenty thousand rupees.”

"What! Really?" cries Herschel again. "Twenty thousand rupees for gas pains? I
can’t afford THAT!”

"You CAN afford it," insists Dr. Ekdam Kwality. “Just put down five thousand
rupees now and then it is just one thousand rupees a month for the next two
years.”

"My God!" exclaim‘s Herschel. "You make it sound like buying a car!”

Dr. Ekdam Kwality looks astonished and asks, "How did you know I was buying
a car?”

Swami Deva Coconut has a terrible pain in his back. When it becomes
unbearable, he reluctantly goes to Ruby Hall clinic to visit Doctor Ekdam
Kwality, the specialist, to have him diagnose his problem.

Doctor Ekdam Kwality examines Coconut carefully, takes an X-ray and asks
him to come back the next day.

When Coconut returns, Ekdam Kwality says, "Well, I have studied the X-ray
carefully, and your problem can be cured by an operation, followed by two
weeks in the hospital, and then six months lying on your back - at an
approximate cost of twenty-five thousand rupees!”

“Jesus Christ," cries Coconut, "I can't afford all that!”

"Okay," says Ekdam Kwality. "Then for twenty-five rupees I can retouch the X-
ray!”

Swami Deva Coconut is on the way to M.G. Road on his motorbike, when he is
hit by a runaway bullock cart. As luck would have it, he lands up in heaven.
After a few days rest, he asks for some work. Finally, he is given a job in the
Religious Statistics Department. Here they have a clock for every religious
leader on earth, and any sins committed by them are recorded by a tiny
movement forward. The pope's clock has moved only two minutes in Sixty-eight
years, Mother Teresa's clock only one minute, and so on. Swami Coconut
inquires of the angel in charge, "What about Osho's clock?”

"Oh," cries the angel. "We use his clock as a desk fan! - twenty-four hours!”

Francesco goes to the medical room to see doctor Azima. "Mama mia!" he says
to Azima, "I came-a home last night and found-a my girlfriend in bed with-a my
best friend. I was about to kill-a them both when my girlfriend she say, ‘Come
on-a, Francesco, we are all-a friends. Let‘s have a cuppa coffee together.’

"So we all sit down and have a cuppa coffee," says Francesco. "The next day I
find her in-a bed with another swami, and my girlfriend she say the same thing.
So we all have a cuppa coffee. And doctor, this-a happen every day this week!”

"I see," says doctor Azima. "But-a I am a doctor, not a therapist. So, why you
tell-a me all-a this-a?”

"Well," says Francesco, "I am-a worried, will it be-a bad for me, all this-a
coffee?”

I have heard from reliable sources…

Milarepa came home exhausted and terribly upset. "I was late for work today,"
he told his wife.

"I know," she replied.

"I quarreled with the boss.”
"I know.”
"He fired me," he said glumly.
"I know," she answered.
"How the hell do you know?”
"He told me.”
"Ah, screw him!" Milarepa said angrily.
"I did," replied the wife.
Hearing this, Milarepa took his guitar and came here.

One day the pope gets a phone call from God. God says to him, "Since you
have been such a good pope, I wanted you to be the first to know.”

"The first to know what?" asks the pope.

God says, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that
from now on, the world will have only one religion.”

"That's wonderful," says the pope. "Now everyone will be at peace, and
everyone will get along with one another - that's great. But what is the bad
news?”

"In a few days," says God, "you will be receiving a phone call from Ma Anando
in Poona!”

IN A RECENT DISCOURSE. OSHO HAS OFFERED THE NOW EMPTY

RANCHO RAJNEESH IN OREGON, TO THE JEWISH PEOPLE AS A
HOME - AS THERE IS NO FUTURE FOR THE STATE OF ISRAEL.

Just now I have received the latest joke about jews moving to Rancho Rajneesh.

Finally, the very last Jew moves with all his belongings to the former Rancho
Rajneesh. With all their energy the new inhabitants throw themselves into
working on the fields and the creeks, on reopening the shops and hotel, and on
making a kosher kitchen from the former Magdalena Cafeteria.

Since they had to leave their mourning wall in Jerusalem…

They have a long ancient wall in Jerusalem, just to mourn, cry, weep. The louder you cry, the
more tears come from your eyes, the more religious you are. Every day you can see this circus -
hundreds of people standing by the old wall, crying, weeping. I cannot conceive what kind of
religiousness this is. So the only problem in Rancho Rajneesh was that…

… since they had to leave their mourning wall in Jerusalem, the rabbis decide to
build a huge new one at the east side of Rajneesh Mandir.

When the wall is finally built, all the Jews go there to mourn and to pray to
God. When one of the rabbis returns to the synagogue, the rabbi who has
stayed behind asks him how it was at the new mourning wall.

"Not very good," the other replies. "I could not stop them from dancing and
singing.”

Walter Wibble arrives at the Pearly Gates and is given a tour of Heaven by
Saint Peter.
They are walking around Gabriel's garden when a small bell starts tinkling. All
the angels and saints fall to their knees and begin to pray.

"What is going on?" asks Walter, looking at this amazing sight.

"Oh," replies Saint Peter, "an innocent child has just told her first lie. All the
angels and saints are praying for her.”

A short while later they are inspecting the Harp and Hallelujah Bowling Club,
when a large bell starts ringing. A bus load of angels screeches to a stop in the
street outside, and all the angels fly out, onto their knees, and start praying.

"What is happening now?" asks Walter.

"Ah," replies Saint Peter, "an adult on earth has just told another lie, and all the
angels and saints are praying for him.”

Later, they are walking through the Heavenly Dollar Shopping Mall, when
suddenly, hundreds of bells start ringing. There is such a terrible noise that
Walter drops to his knees, covers his ears, and starts praying.

"Good God!" exclaims Saint Peter. "Ronald Reagan and his gang are discussing
Osho again!”

Pope the Polack is standing at the pearly gates demanding admission. Saint
Peter lets him through, but warns him, "You are not in paradise yet! We have
made a few alterations in heaven. Before you can finally be accepted you must
walk along this passage. If a single evil thought enters your head during that
walk, a trap-door will open beneath your feet and you will fall straight down
into hell!”

Pope the Polack accepts the challenge and starts to walk along the passage.
When he is halfway, Saint Peter cannot resist the temptation to whisper, "Osho!"
Instantly, the trapdoor opens and the pope drops through.

A short while later, Ronald Reagan arrives. Saint Peter gives him the Same
instructions. Again, the temptation is too much for Saint Peter and the moment
he whispers, “Osho!" the floor opens and Reagan drops down.

Some time later, Osho is touring the universe and arrives at the pearly gates,
where he is welcomed by Saint Peter. Saint Peter shows Osho the passage to
paradise and explains about the trap-door. Halfway across to heaven, Osho
turns slowly round, raises his right hand to the sky and says, “Yaa-Hoo!”

Saint Peter drops through the floor.

BELOVED OSHO,

ONCE A WEEK I COOK UNFERTILIZED FRIED EGGS FOR THE

WHOLE COMMUNE’S BREAKFAST IN ORDER THAT EVERYBODY'S
BRAIN BECOMES SHARPER AND MORE INTELLIGENT. HOWEVER,
AFTER COOKING ONE THOUSAND FRIED EGGS, I DON'T FEEL
LIKE EATING ANY MYSELF. IS IT OKAY FOR ME TO DROP
IMPROVING MY BRAIN AND JUST ENJOY ITS LACK OF ACTIVITY?

Vimal…. A writer has been out too late the night before, and in the wrong
places. Nursing a magnificent hangover, he stops at a small restaurant for
breakfast.

"What will you have?" asks the waiter.

"All I want is two fried eggs and some kind words," says the bleary-eyed writer.

Presently, the waiter returns with two pale-looking fried eggs. "Here are your
eggs, sir,” he says. "And now for the kind words: don't eat them.”

BELOVED OSHO,

I ALWAYS HEAR YOU SAYING NICE THINGS ABOUT THE WOMEN.

COULD YOU NOT STICK UP FOR THE MEN ONCE IN A WHILE?

Anand Heeren, it is a very difficult question. I could not sleep the whole night. I tried and tried
hard to find something nice about men, but I have to admit to you there is nothing that can be
said. You can see for yourself….

One of my doctors, Swami Devageet, did a great research, finding out what is nice in man.
And he became so influenced that finally he decided that from Swami Devageet he wants to
change his name to Ma Devageet. This is his research - now I don’t know how to say it
whether to say he or she. At least in the beginning I should start with he, unless he declares that
he has changed to Ma. He is saying:
I have researched deeply into the knotty problem of men's good points. It was
not easy, but certain attributes have come to light. Men, it seems, are the best at:

putting out the garbage,

frightening small children,
piddling on the toilet seat,
carrying suitcases,
putting hair in the bathroom sink,
making babies,
shouting at rickshaw drivers,
leaving dirty underwear in the bedroom,
snoring in bed,
fancying everybody else's woman except their own,
grossing out people at breakfast time,
putting dirty footprints on the clean sheets,
falling asleep in the middle of lovemaking,
being unresponsive to any emotional situation,
providing the main topic for gossip,
giving women someone to henpeck,
paying the rent,
fixing things which are always worse afterwards,
emptying the fridge at midnight,
breaking the best china,
leaving the bed unmade,
leaving the kitchen sink clogged with food.
But most of all, men are the biggest pricks in the whole of humanity.

 EPILOGUE: THE GORILLA STORY

Just a joke for you, Vimal, because when you laugh totally - in those moments you cannot be
somebody. The people who are somebody are very serious; they never laugh, they don 't even
smile. Only people who are nobody can enjoy the great blessing of laughter. And I have been
watching: when you laugh totally, you are no longer there - only laughter. Every cell of your
body has become just a dance.

So don’t hold yourself back, because this is not a serious place. It is for the gamblers, for the
drunkards, for all kinds of good people who can relax and who can laugh and who can dance,
and who don ’t care what the world thinks about them. At the most they will think you are mad
- so what? Madness is better than politics. You are not going to harm anybody. And mad people
are always joyous, not worrying about anything in the world.

The zoo has hit upon hard times, and as the animals die, the director can't
afford to replace them… until he has a brilliant idea.

Sometime later, Kowalski is walking past the zoo, when he sees a sign, "Strong
man wanted, apply within.” So he goes in and the director tells him, "Our star
attraction, Gregory the gorilla, has died, and I want you to replace him. All you
have to do is put on this gorilla suit, go out there and thump your chest and eat
peanuts.” Kowalski starts work right away. Every day he thrills the crowd by
jumping and thumping. But the climax of his act is when he climbs up a tree in
his pen and throws peanuts at the lions next door, who get really mad and try to
climb the fence.

Unfortunately, one afternoon Kowalski is up the tree when the branch breaks
and he falls into the lions' den. He jumps up and starts screaming and shouting
for help, until one of the lions walks over to him growling and snarling, and then
speaks out of the corner of his mouth. "Shut up, Kowalski,” he whispers,“or we
will ALL lose our jobs!”

Meditate over this. It is pure Zen. Everybody is hiding behind a coat: somebody behind a
gorilla coat, somebody behind a lion coat; somebody is a mouse, henpecked of course… Come
out! And just be. All these coats that you are wearing are not your being.

A Few Days Later….

(JUST BEFORE OSHO'S CAR COMES, A BIG BLACK GORILLA

ENTERS THE HALL AND SITS BEHIND MANEESHA.)

Now look, just by the side of Maneesha, a gorilla is sitting. Gorilla, sir, will you stand up?

That’s good.

It is perfectly good for tigers and lions and deer to come to this gathering. They will appear, for
this gorilla is going to spread the news. Gorilla sir, please be silent, although it is not your way,
neither is it in your nature; but please don’t start gossiping about this temple. We don't want
tigers and lions, because we don't have space. Just wait a little… once we have got a bigger
space, which we will be getting, then you can bring all the gorillas - you must have friends, a
wife, children. A gorilla does not believe in celibacy, he is not a Catholic monk.

And having a few gorillas here dancing with you will be a real joy. Today you will have to be
satisfied with only one. But when one comes, a second will be close behind him.

I don’t know whether this gorilla can give a good gorilla shout.

(THE GORILLA SCREAMS LOUDLY.)

Don't make Maneesha afraid! Be a gentleman! It is a question of the dignity and respect of
gorilla culture. Anyway, everybody is happy that you have come. I hope you will give a dance
too at the end. So get ready.
(THERE IS LOUD LAUGHTER COMING FROM OUTSIDE BUDDHA
HALL.)

This must be Sardar. After the meeting, Sardar Gurudayal Singh, you have to
encounter the gorilla who is sitting behind Maneesha. In fact he should sit
behind you! Don't provoke him, he can be dangerous.

But Sardar cannot resist… he laughs wholeheartedly, without bothering

whether it is time for laughter or not. Now for Sardar Gurudayal Singh and for
our guest, the gorilla, some jokes, if he can understand… if he cannot
understand, at least he can understand your laughter.

The next evening…

BELOVED OSHO,

LAST NIGHT WAS A TRULY EXISTENTIAL DISCOURSE: THE BEAST

BEHIND ME, THE BUDDHA BEFORE ME, AND I DANCED WITH
BOTH!

Maneesha, the beautiful person who was behind you was not a beast. No beast is a beast. He
was just wearing the coat of a beast. He was nobody else but our poor Vimal. And remember it
is not only true about Vimal. Whenever you come to real beasts, they are also wearing coats.
Inside them, is the same consciousness as is in you.
The gorilla behind you was as much a buddha as the buddha before you. And in between, don’t
forget that you are also a buddha. Here, there is only one quality of consciousness: the
consciousness of being buddhas.

But don't be cuckoos. The moment you start declaring in M.G. market that, “I am a buddha,”
you will be in trouble. Keep this a secret within you, unwavering, never forgetting for a single
moment that buddhahood is your nature. You cannot be otherwise.

Although Vimal was hiding behind a gorilla coat, still Vimal was Vimal. The body that
Vimal has is another coat, given by biology. Behind that coat, given by your society there is
another layer: the mind. And within that mind is your temple, your buddha. We are searching
here for nobody else but our own authentic being.

It was good of Vimal to come in a gorilla dress, because everybody is wearing different kinds
of dresses. The inside has the same taste, the same sweetness, the same song, the same laughter.

The next evening….

(VIMAL IS SITTING IN MANEESHA’S PLACE!)

Vimal, the first thing YOU have to understand is that by becoming a dangerous, ferocious you
gave a migraine to poor Maneesha. Remember it always, falling below humanity and then
sitting behind a poor girl… It is fortunate that she is still alive, you have done everything to kill
her.

As a gorilla you were dancing with her: I had left the place, just because I did not want to see
the dance of a gorilla. And you see the result now? Be ashamed! Give your gorilla dress to
Sardar Gurudayal Singh; it does not suit you. It will suit Sardar Gurudayal Singh anywhere.
He can go into the city and freak out people. He does it anyway, but in a gorilla dress, and
with his laughter… Sardar Gurudayal Singh!

(HIS LOUD LAUGHTER IS HEARD FROM THE BACK OF THE HALL.)

Take that gorilla dress from Vimal tomorrow. And as the dress reaches you, the migraine of
Maneesha will disappear. It is not migraine, it is simply fear that - who knows - that gorilla
may be sitting behind her again.

The next day…

Maneesha, before I discuss the anecdote I have to say something about your migraine. As I said
yesterday, the moment the beast disappears Maneesha’s migraine will disappear too. I am not a
prophet, but Vimal did make a very existential statement, a real, alive, existential anecdote.
His being covered in a gorilla coat should not be understood as an individual expression.
Everybody is covered with something that is animal. Man has not yet been born! Bodies have
changed, but it is your mind that is still struggling in deep forests. You have to be freed from
your gorilla coats.

And it was good of Vimal to appear in a gorilla coat, of course unconsciously, not knowing the
implications; but he created a migraine in Maneesha. That is very symbolic. Man has been the
gorilla all along, creating thousands of migraines in women, all kinds of slaveries and
exploitations, preventing their spiritual growth.

Vimal’s existential statement is worth appreciating. He did it well, without knowing that he
was exposing everybody else too. You all have to look deep down and drop your gorilla coats.
Find out the diamond of your being, inside.

 OSHO

Osho is a modem-day buddha whose wisdom, clarity and humor have touched
the lives of millions of people around the world. He is creating the conditions
for the emergence of what he calls the “New Man” - a completely new kind of
human being who is aware, life affirmative and free.

According to Osho, the spiritual traditions of the past have made a deep split
within the individual, reflected in all the institutions of society. His way is to heal
this split, to restore the unity of body and spirit, earth and sky.

After His enlightenment in 1955, the evolution of this New Man became His
dream. In 1966, Osho left the academic world and His post as a philosophy
professor at the University of Jabalpur and began touring India intensively and
speaking to many hundreds of thousands of people. At the same time, Osho
was developing practical tools for man’s self-transformation.

By the late 1960's, Osho had begun to create His unique dynamic meditation
techniques. He says that modern man is so burdened with the traditions from
the past and the anxieties of modem-day living, that he must go through a deep-
cleansing process before he can begin to discover the thought-free, relaxed state
of meditation.

By 1974, a commune had been established around Osho in Pune, India, and
the trickle of visitors from the West had become a flood.Today, His commune is
the largest spiritual growth center in the world. Each year it attracts thousands
of international visitors to its meditation, therapy, body-work and creative
programs.

Osho speaks on virtually every aspect of the development of human

consciousness. His talks cover a staggering range - from the meaning of life and
death, to the struggles of power and politics, from the challenges of love and
creativity, to the significance of science and education. These talks, given over
thirty years, have been recorded on audio and video tape, and published in
hundreds of books in every major language of the world. He belongs to no
tradition and says, “My message is not a doctrine, not a philosophy. My message
is a certain alchemy, a science of transformation.”

Osho left His body in 1990 as a result of poisoning by US government agents

while being held in custody for technical immigration violations in 1985. He
asks always to be referred to in the present tense. The words on His Samadhi,
which Osho Himself dictated, read:

OSHO
Never Born Never Died
Only Visited this
Planet Earth between
December 11 1931 - January 19 1990

The jokes and quotes in this book were compiled from the following book titles
by Osho:

A Cup of Tea
The Goose is Out
The Rebellious Spirit
The Razor's Edge
The Hidden Splendor
The Golden Future
The Rebel
The New Dawn
The Invitation
The Great Pilgrimage: From Here to Here
Satyam Shivam Sundaram: Truth Godliness Beauty
Sat Chit Anand: Truth Consciousness Bliss
Om Mani Padme Hum: The Sound of Silence, the Diamond in the Lotus
Hari Om Tat Sat: The Divine Sound, That is the Truth
Om Shantih Shantih Shantih: The Soundless Sound, Peace Peace Peace
Yaa-Hoo! The Mystic Rose
Live Zen
This.This.A Thousand Times This
Zen: The Quantum Leap from Mind to No-Mind
Zen: The Solitary Bird, Cuckoo of the Forest
Zen: The Diamond Thunderbolt
Turning In
The Original Man
The Miracle
The Language of Existence
The Buddha: The Emptiness of the Heart
Dogen: The Zen Master
Ma Tzu: The Empty Mirror
Hyakujo: The Everest of Zen
Nansen: The Point of Departure
Joshu: The Lion's Roar
Rinzai: The Master of the Irrational
Isan: No Footprints in the Blue Sky
Kyozan: A True Man of Zen
Yakusan: Straight to the Point of Enlightenment
No Mind: The Flowers of Eternity
Zen: The Mystery and the Poetry of the Beyond
One Seed Makes the Whole Earth Green
Christianity: The Deadliest Poison, and Zen: The Antidote to All Poisons
 Communism and Zen Fire, Zen Wind
God Is Dead: Now Zen Is the Only Living Truth
I Celebrate Myself
The Zen Manifesto

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS: In love and gratitude to OSHO.

Special thanks to Chetan and Satyadharma. Without you guys this book would
be half as funny and half as thick! Also to Milarepa, whose love and inspiration
got me going in the first place, and whose music and tea later sustained me
through thick and thin. And to Mukti, for giving me the final push.

Lastly, to everyone who ever sent a joke to Osho: this is your book.

Vimal and Chetan “huddled around our small computer” in Osho's library,
while Jalada quietly types the questions. (Satyadharma not present due to
rickshaw strike.)

Sardarji, the man with the loudest laugh.

 FURTHER INFORMATION

Many of Osho's books have been translated and published in a variety of

languages worldwide. For information about Osho, his meditations, books, tapes
and the address of an Osho center near you, contact:

OSHO COMMUNE INTERNATIONAL

17, Koregaon Park,
Pune, 411001 (MS), India

For publishing and copyright information regarding Osho's books, contact:

OSHO INTERNATIONAL
570 Lexington Avenue
NewYork, NY 10022, USA

WEBSITE
http://www.osho.com

Online book catalog and sales; information about Osho and His meditation
techniques; worldwide contact addresses and information; and a selection of
Osho's talks.