First problem- I’m not even clear on the degree to which every thought of mine is

wrought

Okay– so he just said the process is simple. So that helps. And the human adulthood
leaning probably means I should use resonances to go and grow the way I want.

ONe thing to take of right away– why am I such a giant pussy? The smallest conflict
makes me collapse in a void of self pity. I can barely make eye contact with people
I talk to. Why would I avoid that exchange of energy? If a person is being genuine,
there’s nothing to fear.

YEah– the resonance is the right direction. I know it to be because it’s out of the
typical habit pattern– the desperation, the closing down, the aiming for what is
useless and empty. I’m sick of useless and empty. I need to generate energy.
Whatever generates energy and flow at this point should be enough. You know what,
fuck it! I’m sick of closing down into a sad pile– that’s the ego thing. It’s not
careful looking. I’m taking Jed’s instructions and turning them into a pity party.
The real technique? Being pissed and alive. Hating that whiny, small, useless
approach. Crying about not getting it.

So I’m unclear on the pain thing. This doesn’t seem that problematic or painful
yet. It never has. Maybe because it’s always been a whining loser type thing and I
haven’t accomplished any of it. Or maybe I’ve got the background to not crash and
burn like that. Things have been loosened up. FOr all I know, I’ve done 90% of it
and I’ve just got to orient and stop whining.

I was thinking yesterday that there is no way I can do this for myself. It’s
totally a surrender thing. I have to way to even think properly. Thinking doesn’t
even work the way it needs to to accomplish what is required. I have conclusions,
and then they’re gone. It’s a sad, desperate, stupid way of living. Clinging to
every happening instead of instigating an awesome flow where I commune directly
with life and unfolding. FLuency is what I want. Jed said to make the intent clear.
My intent is to live a life of happy accidents– where I’m not doing boring things,
but feel excited. Where life is obviously handing me next steps on a platter
because I have surrendered to the flow. I want something obvious like that to
satisfy me. And if I have a shit ton of fake desires bouncing around, especially
the IDEA of various awakening projects– then I’m fucked.

It’s been years of desperate attempts to prove my value. Honestly, years of wasting
time and wasting my life. Three years of it. How does a person fall asleep for
three years? Narcotized.

One struggle has to do with complaining about nothing being worth doing. I should
do anyways. Do projects that excite me. Forget that whiny collapse into “well,
people who believe their thoughts are sad, they have no reflexivity etc. etc.” Fuck
it. That image is not absolute.

This is a different resonance than the bliss seeker goes for. It’s more complete,
its gotten not through desperate clinging, but allowed. This is NOT what Jed is
warning against. No way. Plus I tend to be a tryhard. So relaxing is probably a
good thing. He also said the Zen thing is the right direction– ordinary life as
lived. I can move forward with that.

Come on Jed. “My foot hurts.” How do you know the sensation is a foot sensation or
that the representation matches the thing it itself etc. et. etc.

There’s no way Jed is as detailed as I am. No way. So I must need a big dose of
allowing.
Find the right questions. It’d have to be related to fear. Removing fear. I’m a
very anxious and concerned person. Even the gaze of others is terrible. So. That’s
the probable focus. Allowing and fear reduction.

I’ve got something to pan out here– a resonance that seems effective– and I think
this is different from invoking compassion in a stupid way. If I really decide to
fully value a person near me, and imagine a conversation where I’m ok with them
being them, and not needing to impose myself on them, it’s very healing. That’s an
I’m Ok, You’re Ok thing– and a Rogerian thing I bet. It’s very powerful. It really
undermines the self. And I have to think that Jed is talking about stupid truisms
when he says compassion and shit is useless. This is useful. Using other people is
one of the faster ways to change and become new. Or I’m completely wrong on this.
That’s the problem. But there is SUCH a resonance there. Other humans are the
things we collide with to make changes.

Okay also: I’m pissed at how much thinking I do with no changing. Pointless.

There’s a lot that I think Jed is wrong on. Honestly, he’s probably just some sad
idiot. Maybe he’s a wordsmith. Why would I give him more credit than anyone else?
Theravada sitting people, or Carl Rogers?

I want to embody empathy. Honestly. It changes a lot– I’ve been building up a lot
of hate. What does it mean to love? And Jed would kill me for this. But it feels
very transformative. Like if I could embody it, it would be a massive change– a
keystone orientation that shifts everything else– just like tone is for the
musician.

It’s not like anyone else can be an authority– and yet– a person has to surrender
to their own resonances. It’s like being yourself means attuning to what’s around–
it’s paradoxical. A discovery of what should be isntead of forcing it.

I’ve written all this– and some resonances have taken place, but what will
fundamentally change? I’m imagining scenarios in a coffee shop. So what would
better living look like?

(I’m embarrassed at how much I fail to live fully. I have a voice that says “if you
advocate this stuff, people who have seen your always subpar self will see it as
fake”.)

The main voice that blocks open living is the one picturing the judging others.
They won’t be affronted or find my authentic behavior strange. It’s just more
behavior. To ME it is strange because it is full and ideal and fluent. It’s like
opening up for others. But they won’t find it strange. I always think “omg they
won’t find my behavior comprehensible. Asking questions is weird. Getting what I
want out of experiences is odd.”

Old patterned behavior is everywhere. Schools promote it. Workplaces do. And I’m a
victim of it more than most are! I seem to think I’m amazing and so above it all,
but I’m as mired as anyone could be.

I tend to see problems everywhere. Complication everywhere. Actually many things

are simple. That’s the problem with so much of the thinking, is it goes for
complication instead of clarity. Clarity is possible though. If it was my guide, I
could be a very good philosopher.

I’ve got awareness in spades– and yet I don’t. Always paradoxes. I fail to see the
most basic things about my experience, even while refracting my experience ten
times and failing to externalize. The unaware do better because they aren’t knotted
up like this. But having the ability to see can be redirected. Where do I point the
awareness? It can be used to look at the simple and appreciate THAT more clearly.
The choosing process can be directed more fluently.

To choose the one really valuable thing means letting go of many other things. The
musician looks at tone and everything else falls into place. Or they allow melodies
to emerge and they let go of other fear. They let go of what they might protract
and allow something random and new to emerge. Music is the process of deselfing (in
performance anyways). A lot of the practicing process involves unselfing too.
Allowing the body to learn. But it is directed by thinking quite a bit, where
performance is apprehending/cognizing– another kind of thinking.

Actualization. Except I don’t want to read about it. Not the theory of it. I want
to live it.

Better living:
-getting knowledge when I want it. Studying carefully and toward what is needed.
Alive inquiry.
-Asking people things and learning from them.
-Playing well. Performing and recording. Composing. Quality work. Learning
counterpoint. Being an active musician.
-A small studio of students who are earnest.
-A marimba. Percussion duo that performs. Educational Youtube channel for marimba
stuff.
-Less stress and anxiety while playing piano. Familiarity with genres and norms in
jazz. Basic skills.
-Teach clearly and use clear expectations. Just say “okay. Isolate the bottom
notes, write the counting in and practice it.” Don’t act like people struggle to
comprehend. Just say what it is.

I could allow interests to flow a bit more. I regret time lost on main activities
that went to random side things. I guess there’s nothing wrong with exploring
interests. I don’t have to hate myself for spending time– it all adds up to
personhood anyways. Or I can think about Range and be okay with it all. Randomly
lately, I’ve got a resonance for some vintage video game vibes. PS1 stuff. Idk why.
Just seems cool.

Make a video about the flipped workweek, Four Hour Workweek etc.
Engage with Youtube people more– I’m desiring actual communication there. Something
way above and beyond the egoic internet. I have to encourage people though– they’re
used to scrolling mindlessly, jumping ship every five minutes. Which is a very
asleep way to be. Internet Bohdissatva is a good term for someone encouraging
less/better web use.

The merits of sane web use.

Earlier…well. I could do more on Christian failings.

-1.5 Million for a church? Misguided.
-$15,000 on the plate each week? Huge mistake.

If not buying a marimba… get access. Just ask. Send AJ and Crowell an email and
pitch it. Say you’ll start a percussion duo with a student. Do recording, get on
Tony’s livestream etc. Could be a neat opportunity. This makes me nervous– but just
ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. My anxiety just went up x1000. Crazy.