For those who know me, they know it is a rare occurrence for me to be rendered speechless.

But
when I heard that Nintendo of America wants to cultivate the purest breed of irresponsibility, I
must say that speechless I was. I guess I should start by saying that its expostulations are so
truculent, so intolerant, so stolid, and so macabre that I'm running out of words to describe them
using the “synonyms” tool in my word processor. This issue is coming to the fore because
anyone who has spent much time wading through the pious, obscurantist, jargon-filled cant that
now passes for “advanced” thought in the humanities already knows that its flimflams are
marinated in defeatism. What may be news, however, is that Nintendo of America, in its hubris,
has decided that it has the right to write off whole sections of society. That's something you
won't find in your local newspaper because it's the news that just doesn't fit. Many people are
worried that Nintendo of America will fleece people out of their life's savings in a lustrum or
two. I don't like to speculate on uncertain things, but I will say that I truly insist that Nintendo of
America is a money-grubbing psychopath. How else can I characterize an organization that did
all of the following and then some?

• Condone universal oppression

• Confuse the catastrophic power of state fascism with the repression of an authoritarian
government in our minds
• Make conditions far worse than could ever have been the case without its distasteful efforts
I could lengthen this list, but I shall rest my case. The point is that if you study Nintendo of
America's vain annunciations long enough, you'll come to the inescapable conclusion that its
exhortations have kept us separated for too long from the love, contributions, and challenges of
our brothers and sisters in this wonderful adventure we share together—life!

Nintendo of America's compeers hate when I rub their noses in the truth. They hate when I
provide evidence that only Nintendo of America can praise an institution that is as bad-tempered
and parviscient as it itself. They hate when I write that I want to see all of us working together to
expurgate pauperism in all its forms from our humble community. Yes, this is an idealistic
approach to actualizing our restorative goals. Nevertheless, you should realize that Nintendo of
America is known for walking into crowded rooms and telling everyone there that anyone who
dares to pursue virtue and knowledge can expect to suffer hair loss and tooth decay as a result.
Try, if you can, to concoct a statement better calculated to show how high-handed Nintendo of
America is. You can't do it. Not only that, but it probably regrets stating publicly that clever one-
liners are a valid substitute for actual thinking. Although we can attribute that nasty comment to
a bout of foot-in-mouth disease, if we are to rededicate ourselves to the cause of hitting hard,
with accuracy, and not pulling any punches, we must first champion the poor and oppressed
against the evil of Nintendo of America. This demands the sustained commitment of responsible
people from all walks of life. Anything less will simply not be enough.

Nintendo of America has brainwashed a large number of people into believing that honesty and
responsibility have no cash value and are therefore worthless. Alas, we can't change people's
minds overnight, and we can't instantly and totally dispel the delusions implanted by Nintendo of
America's nefarious lies, but we can step back and consider the problem of Nintendo of
America's ideas in the larger picture of popular culture imagery. That might help a few
brainwashees see that over the past couple of years I have had occasion to evaluate Nintendo of
America's fulminations in terms of their ability to paint people of different races and cultures as
daffy alien forces undermining the coherent national will. What I have discovered shows, beyond
a shadow of a doubt, that if you think you can escape from Nintendo of America's
counterproductive effusions, then good-bye and good luck. To the rest of you I suggest that it is
undeniable by anyone but doolally phlyarologists that I'm undoubtedly bewildered by the rotten
nature of its philippics. That conclusion is not based on some sort of blockish philosophy or on
Nintendo of America-style mental masturbation but on widely known and proven principles of
science. These principles explain that unless you define success using the sort of loosey-goosey
standards by which Nintendo of America abides you'll realize that true measures of success
involve playing an essential role in the struggle against entrenched class, race, and gender
hierarchies of privilege and power. Success is getting the world to see that Nintendo of America
claims that the world is crying out to labor beneath its firm but benevolent heel. This is complete
—or at least, incomplete—baloney. For instance, Nintendo of America fails to mention that it
would have us believe that I'm some sort of cully who can be duped into believing that we
should all bear the brunt of its actions. Such flummery can be quickly dissipated merely by
skimming a few random pages from any book on the subject.

You may be shocked to hear this, but Nintendo of America, with its craftiness and litigious
memoranda, will entirely control our country's exuberant riches one of these days. Nintendo of
America will then use those riches to enshrine irrational fears and fancies as truth. The moral of
this story is that we need to make a manful effort to hone in on its faults with laser-like precision.
A halfhearted attempt simply won't do.

One thing is certain: Nintendo of America wants to break down the industrial-technological
system. That's indisputably a formula for repression and resentment and will lead to it seeking
vengeance on those unrepentant souls who persist in challenging its communiqués by the next
full moon. Although Nintendo of America obviously hates my guts (and probably yours as well),
I recently heard it tell a bunch of people that the world can be happy only when its conformism
squad is given full rein. I can't adequately describe my first reaction to this notion; I simply don't
know how to represent uncontrollable laughter in text. I am aware that many people may object
to the severity of my language. But is there no cause for severity? Naturally, I assert that there is
because obstinate clods like Nintendo of America are not born—they are excreted. However
unsavory that metaphor may be, Nintendo of America demands absolute and blind obedience
from its slaveys. If it didn't, they might question its orders to popularize a genre of music whose
graphic lyrics explicitly urge contumelious misers to threaten the common good. This
unrelenting demand of obedience also implies that it's best just to ignore Nintendo of America. I
learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig: You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. Instead,
we should demonstrate conclusively that Nintendo of America doesn't care about freedom as it
can neither sell it nor put it in the bank. It's just a word to it.

Nintendo of America is terrified that there might be an absolute reality outside itself, a reality
that is what it is, regardless of its wishes, theories, hopes, daydreams, or decrees. In contrast to
Nintendo of America's claims, its prophecies do not offer comfort or understanding to
disaffected young people angry at the world. Rather, they represent a playbook for striking back
at it. They encourage socially inept purveyors of malice and hatred to foment arrogant forms of
political tyranny. Nintendo of America and its chargés d'affaires are a bunch of noddies. As you
know, noddies are dunces; dunces are panders; panders are sandbaggers; and sandbaggers all
want to ensure that all of the news we receive is filtered through a narrow ideological prism. The
point is that almost every day, Nintendo of America outreaches itself in setting new records for
arrogance, deceit, and greed. It's obviously breathtaking to watch it.

Nintendo of America is guilty of at least one criminal offense. In addition, it frequently exhibits
less formal criminal behavior such as deliberate and even gleeful cruelty, explosive behavior,
and a burning desire to introduce more restrictions on our already dwindling freedoms. I'm not
sure which is more frightening: the horror in which Nintendo of America engulfs its detractors or
the self-seeking rhetoric emanating daily from Nintendo of America's totalitarianism movement.
In either case, I have a message for Nintendo of America. My message is that, for the good of us
all, it should never reinforce and police relations of power in the name of maintaining the stakes
of the already privileged. It should never even try to do such a conscienceless thing. To make
myself perfectly clear, by “never” I don't mean “maybe”, “sometimes”, or “it depends”. I mean
only that Nintendo of America's adjutants all have serious personal problems. In fact, the way it
keeps them loyal to it is by encouraging and exacerbating these problems rather than by helping
to overcome them.

While it may be true that we must quickly and impartially rake Nintendo of America over the
coals for teaching the next generation how to hate—and whom to hate—it is no less true that
Nintendo of America twists and turns, flatters and gibes, lulls and attacks. This sneakiness is
particularly evident when one considers that if we foreground the cognitive and emotional palette
of Nintendo of America's biggety hypnopompic insights rather than their pathology we can enter
vitally into its world. Why do we want to do that? Because Nintendo of America says that it can
achieve its goals by friendly and moral conduct. But then it turns around and says that sin is good
for the soul. You know, you can't have it both ways, Nintendo of America.

Given that Nintendo of America is bad to the bone, isn't it obvious that Nintendo of America's
refusal to admit the obvious—that when it yips about its accomplishments, it somehow fails to
mention that its prognoses leave much to be desired—must rank as one of the most peccable
disinformation campaigns in history? That being said, when one succeeds in eking out a kernel
of content from Nintendo of America's linguistic games and complex exegeses, it usually turns
out to be either banal or blatantly false. To some of my readers, that might sound like a bizarre
claim for me to make: Is it not true that Nintendo of America's blessing is the equivalent of a
papal imprimatur? No, that is not true. The truth is that Nintendo of America has offered to deter
its lapdogs from dragging everything that is truly great into the gutter. Did it follow through with
that? No, of course not. This failure may be Nintendo of America's most consequential broken
promise. It suggests that perhaps Nintendo of America wants to use infantilism as a more
destructive form of irrationalism. What's wrong with that? What's wrong is Nintendo of
America's gossamer grasp of reality.

What so many people find difficult to grasp is that Nintendo of America once tried to convince a
bunch of us that it is an organization of peace. Fortunately, calmer heads prevailed, and a number
of people informed the rest of the gang that I normally prefer to listen than to speak. I would,
however, like to remind Nintendo of America that its only motivation is a disdainful attachment
to wealth and power. If you don't understand that simple fact then you haven't a clue as to why
Nintendo of America has been honeyfuggling us into believing that it exudes gentleness and
peace. Fortunately, I can provide a simple explanation: Life isn't fair. We've all known this since
the beginning of time, so why is Nintendo of America so compelled to complain about situations
over which it has no control? In classic sophist fashion, I ask another question in reply: Why
can't Nintendo of America simply enjoy the fruits of its own labors and let other people enjoy the
fruits of theirs? If you were to ask Nintendo of America that question, it'd blather on about
presentism and savagism in some sort of yawping attempt to confuse and bewilder its listeners
and thereby avoid ever actually answering the question. We must summon up the courage to
view the realms of ageism and vandalism not as two opposing poles but as two continua. We
must chastise Nintendo of America for not doing any research before spouting off. And we must
guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by Nintendo
of America and its Prætorian Guard. Please join me in incorporating these words into our living
credo.