Jaharri Asten

12/04/2016

Holistic Health

Final Paper

This class has been a very emotional experience for me. Some of the topics bring up

memories and open old wounds in other sections I finally figured out what I am doing wrong and

why certain areas of my life do not seem to work well. During this class I have been amused,

enlightened, encouraged and most importantly inspired. I can feel all of the effort that has been

put forth to create the class, and I felt my final project should mirror that effort. I decided I want

to do a video collage because as they say “a picture is worth a thousand words; a video is worth a

thousand pictures.” When I was a child my father made movies frequently and video is my

favorite medium of expression. It allows a multidimensional view which is important when

attempting to explain something as complicated as the self. Also, music is one of my tools that

helps me combat stress. Sometimes I will hear a song, and the artist can capture the true essence

of a feeling the part that cannot be put into words. An example is Comfortably Numb, by Pink

Floyd. To say, “I don’t care anymore!!! I feel like all hope is lost,” doesn’t carry the same weight

as listening to the guitars cry in that song and to feel the emptiness resonate inside. Since music

is so important in my life, I thought it would only be appropriate for my artwork contains some

music. As a result, I decided a video collage is the best choice for my project.

Working on my project was as emotional for me as this class has been. The project is

supposed to describe who I am, what I have learned, how I have grown and what areas still need
work. To answer the first question, I had to take a hard look at myself. Who am I? What makes

me—me? I have lived for twenty-eight years. That is a lot of life to summarize (although I am

sure some have more). To create my project, I decided to try to narrow down the elements that

are most responsible for creating my current state of mind. My childhood was significant

although it was generally uneventful. I think the home that my parents created for me gave me a

solid foundation that I could stand on. My parents taught me to have good character, to be

honest, to be a good friend/family member, to have integrity, to look out for others, to look out

for self, to negotiate, to advocate for myself and to have respect for myself. These characteristics

set the stage for my being in the world. My parents made sure I felt special, unique and

important, and I should not tolerate disrespect from others. They prepared me for racism and

sexism well before I was exposed to it so that I would be ready. My family is my support system,

and I am not sure where I would be without them. As a child, I had high self-confidence and

academic success. I believed I could do anything. The only drawback to my upbringing was my

sense of entitlement and my inaccurate concept of life and the world. These traits are pretty

typical for people that live blessed lives.

The second greatest influence on my self-concept is my spirituality. I can’t imagine a life

without belief in some kind of higher power. I am not sure how that occurs. I believe in God to

about the same extent that I believe in wind. I can’t see it, touch it, taste it or smell it but it

doesn’t matter because I know it’s there—I can feel it. Also, I can see the things that it does. The

wind does many things from moving a piece of paper to destroying a neighborhood and

everything in-between. If someone tried to convince me that these things are all a coincidence

and there truly is no such thing as the wind I would think they are in denial. Even the deaf and

blind understand the concept of wind. How can you not believe it exists? How can you explain
that tumbleweed rolling down the street all by itself? They would probably reply its simple

physics and explain friction and static electricity to me. This is the nature of my relationship with

God. I don’t subscribe to any particular religion simply because in elementary school I went to a

school founded by the Nation of Islam when we followed the honorable Elijah Muhammad.

Then in middle school, I was introduced to Christianity, and I decided I like that better. I felt no

more or less blessed after the transition. I just liked the practices and procedures better. In High

School, I became frustrated with Christians. The Bible says one thing, and they do the opposite.

To them “love your neighbor…the greatest of these is love…do not lie with a man in the same

way you would lie with a woman,” = ostracize homosexuals until they hate life so much they

commit suicide. Why not live and let live? As I started to pull away from the church, I met

people involved in astrology, paganism, and eastern philosophies. These teachings resonated

with me as well. I am still trying to understand the Tarot and the concept of qui; both fascinate

me. Again, I feel no more or less blessed. I think prayer and meditation are much more important

than policies and procedures.

The final piece of “who I am,” was shaped by the trauma that I have experienced. My

favorite quote in my favorite song goes “every wound will shape me; every scar will build my

throne,” (Bring Me The Horizon). Every time I think about that quote I almost start to cry. I am

sure a lot of people don’t understand how a scar can build a throne—it’s a rather complex

metaphor, and hopefully when you watch my video, you will really understand the metaphor the

way that I do. When I was eighteen, I left and went to college in Arizona. I thought I couldn’t

stand my parents anymore because they never let me do anything. At the time it was so

annoying. So I left. I wanted to be in control, I wanted to be on my own, and that’s exactly what

I got. School started off great. Somehow I made a lot of friends. I am socially awkward, so I was
surprised. I went to my classes and joined several clubs. I did my work, and I tried to be

responsible. My spiritualty prevented me from drinking, drugs, and promiscuity. Overall, I tried

to keep a low profile. I was having so much fun being free. Then one night a gentleman offered

to walk me home. That little voice in my head said: “don’t trust him—go on your own you will

be fine.” So, I declined his offer, but he insisted. It almost seemed like he could hear the voice

too. It said,” you will be fine,” but he said “college campuses are very dangerous at night,

haven’t you seen the posters about the serial rapist? Are you sure? I will keep you safe.” After

what seemed like an hour I gave in—against my gut feeling. He walked me to my dorm and

raped me when we got there. That event had a profound impact on my self-concept. Rape is

harsh on its own, but he made it worse by adding the element of psychology to it. Like the move

“Saw,” you get to choose your fate (although much less extreme). He said “I don’t want to hurt

you—but I will. The amount of pain you experience is determined by your level of resistance. I

will get what I want, so the only real question is, how much pain will you experience in the

process?” Apparently, he had been stalking me since school started. He was lost in some crazy

delusion where we were in love, and I somehow offended him and made him feel inadequate. He

said, since I refuse to give him a chance rape is really his only option, and he’s “sorry it came to

this.” Prior to the rape, I hardly knew him. This event did a number on my self-concept. I was so

angry with myself for not trusting my gut feeling and not listening to the little voice. I allowed

him to use fear to confuse me. I was so angry for allowing him to take my virginity, for not

fighting harder but he severely injured me, and I just wanted him to go away as soon as possible.

I think I was angrier with myself than I was with him. This was a critical turning point and the

first time I ever experienced real psychological problems.

 I started having flashbacks and nightmares. I was terrified to leave my room. I didn’t

want to go to school anymore. I was so alone, and I felt so stupid for leaving home and thinking I

would be better off on my own. I was so ashamed. I couldn’t tell my parents. For years I couldn’t

even say the word rape. Luckily, I had a lot of friends. After about two weeks my best friend

forced me to come out of my dorm. That’s about how long it took for me to walk again. I will

never forget the walk to her dorm. I think the five-minute walk took hours. The pain was so

severe I could hardly move. She tried to get me to report him but I couldn’t. I felt frozen. I could

hardly speak. She tried to get me to see a therapist, but I was always taught strong people don’t

need therapy. So, finally she insisted I drink with her. I didn’t really want too, but she insisted.

She said she wouldn’t leave me alone until I picked one of the three choices. She told me she had

a friend like me before; that was all bright and sunny. Then one day the light went out in that

girl’s eyes. She thought it would blow over, but it didn’t. That girl killed herself. So, now that I

lost the light in my eyes, she thought alcohol would hold me over until a more permanent

solution was reached. I took her advice because she was right; all I could think about was ending

my life.

Drinking was probably not the best choice, but it was useful in helping me have a good

time and take my mind off of things. I became an alcoholic overnight. The unconscious was my

only refuge from the pain, and I tried to stay there as much as possible. Then one day I idiotically

took a drink from a stranger. It didn’t seem stupid at the time because I did it every night. I

stopped caring about everything, “drink and be merry for tomorrow we die!” On that particular

evening, I almost did. The drink was laced, and I was kidnapped. Lucky for me, the kidnapper

was sadistic and wanted me to be awake for the gang rape. When I woke up, they tried to rape

me, but by some crazy miracle, I was able to fight back and escape. This event also had an
enormous impact on my life and how I live it. I remember when I was being strangled I finally

realized the meaning of life. I never lived. I never really did anything. I promised God if I

survived I would not waste another second. On my death bed, I don’t want to have regrets, I

want to be able to say “I owned every second that this world could give! I saw so many places—

the things that I did! With every broken bone I swear I lived” (One Republic). So, after I

escaped, I changed my life. I started living for myself and doing things that make me happy.

Also, I started saying “yes!” I want to travel, I want to go shooting, I want to race sports cars…I

want to live. Life cannot be found in a book. Learning is good, but balance is necessary. I started

going out and doing things. I made a few poor choices, but at this juncture, in my life, I can say

I’ve had a fun life. I used to think about doing things—now I do them. I don’t make excuses, I

don’t let fear guide me, I experience life. After this experience, and the aftermath I became much

more caring, understanding, patient, and humble. The greatest gift I’ve received is joy. After

everything that happened to me, an uneventful day seems like a gift from God.

I felt these three events—family, spirituality, and trauma—created the person I am today.

That is why I included them in my video. I also know it’s easy to be judgmental. That is why I

felt the need to go into such detail in this paper. I was you try to see through my eyes, so you

won’t think I’m stupid for getting raped and kidnapped as two separate events. It just happened.

What happened to me is not nearly as important as what I have learned.

First of all, I learned about the values factor. Before this class, I had never heard about it.

The values factor is a concept that requires you to try to achieve your goals by applying your

values to it. The exercise we completed that required us to look at our values was very helpful.

From this activity, I learned that I value family, work/school/psychology, and beauty. This is
new information for me because it is not what I would have said if you asked me. It makes sense

though because it is where I spend most of my energy. I can use this information by applying it

to the values factor. When I have a goal, I can relate it to family, education, and/or beauty. I have

never thought about doing this, and I will be excited to apply it to my life when I can. The third

thing I learned about was “guts.” I had no idea the intestines did so much. Since I read that

article, I started paying more attention to what I eat. I want to be alert and energetic, so I added a

few probiotics to my diet. Also, I hope this change will slowly help me stop craving sugar. The

fourth thing I learned about is the link between stress and the immune system. In this section, I

learned several things. I knew stress could lead to illness, but I did not know that regular practice

of meditation can bring the immune system back into homeostasis (67). The fifth thing I learned

about is neuropeptides. I knew their function before, but I was not aware of their connection to

emotion. I also did not know they are found all over the body. It makes sense because emotions

can influence how a person feels. For example, when I have menstrual cramps I feel miserable

but if I get really excited about something the pain goes away. I never understood why this

happened, but now it makes sense. When all your negative energy is focused on the pain, it

magnifies it, when you think about something else your energy is concentrated on that. After

reading this chapter, I realized how important it is to have positive self-talk and to try to do

things that positively influence your mood. The body’s health depends on it. The sixth thing I

learned is that brain cells actually produce magnetic energy (77). I am fascinated with the ideas

behind subtle energy, and I wish I could learn more about this subject. Also, I have heard of

people using magnets in healing. It would have been cool to talk about that a little in class. The

seventh thing I learned about is Viktor Frankl. This is the first time I have ever heard about him.

His outlook on life is amazing. I want to read one of his books so that his positive thought
process can rub off on me. The eighth thing I learned about was awfulizing and reframing. I

have the tendency to think the worst of a situation. I am always afraid I am going to get raped

again and how will I protect myself? How will I escape? I live in fear all the time as far as that

goes and I can’t seem to shake it. Reframing is looking at the cars in the parking lot as just cars

instead of a potential ambush situation. This is something I need to start practicing. The ninth

thing I learned about is the dangers of being a workaholic. The book argues a person might use

this as an escape. In recovery, we learned attempting to avoid pain is what caused us to land

where we did. Dealing with problems is the only way to make them go away. After reading this

section, I will make sure I am not substituting one addiction for another. The tenth thing I

learned about is the impact of small stressors. I never realized the implications of chronic stress.

In “Stress: Portrait of a killer,” they demonstrated the damage chronic stress could cause over

time. I have seen that this semester with my health. So, it is important to try to minimize these

things so that we can stay healthy.

After this class is over, I plan to continue to use the value factor. Also, I will make any

struggle I have into a game. I loved that idea. I plan to do more research on Victor Frankel

because his story is so amazing and of course I will continue to follow the secret. I actually

bought myself a bigger pair of pants. Hopefully, that helps. Now instead of trying to squeeze in

telling myself “I am so fat,” I have comfortable jeans, and I can tell myself “you look cute in

these jeans.” In the future, I will utilize the portion that relates to relationships. I am way too

busy now to consider dating, but when I do, I will reread that section of the values factor so that I

can be a little more successful. I think it would have been cool to cover the chapters on music

and humor. Those are my two favorite coping skills, and I plan to read the chapters at a later

time. Also, I think it would have been nice to cover the section on Ecotherapy. I did read it. I
utilize nature all the time. When I feel stressed, I will go outside and balance my energy. It

would have been fun to learn more about that.