HUMAN RESOURCES (6th draft)

By
Troy Wheeler

sitcom pilot

WGAW #564882 troy-wheeler@hotmail.com

0421663639
INT. JEEN’S DESK - OFFICE - DAY
Set in the office of a news and media organisation a
journalist named JENINE (Jeen) (30’s) - She’s career driven,
still single and a bit of a Karen - Sits at her desk getting
frustrated at the malfunctioning computer.

She slaps the side of the monitor.

JEEN
WORK!

Enter SANS (30’s) - A failed businessman in a cheap suit

with a gambling problem and an inflated ego. He’s also the
finance reporter.
SANS
What are you doing?
JEEN
Trying to fix my computer.
She slams her fist on the keyboard and punches the monitor.

JEEN
Piece of crap!
SANS
You know, I’m no expert but...

She spits on it.

SANS
I’m not sure if treating your
computer like it’s a porn star is
the best way to fix it...
JEEN
Yeah, well, I’ve been waiting 3
months for the "experts" in I.T. to
come up here and do something!

She wraps her hands around the neck of the monitor as if to

choke it then spits on the screen.
JEEN
Whore!
SANS
Is everything alright?
She gives up and slumps back into her chair.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.

JEEN
No... (pause) Mike canceled on our
date for Saturday night.
SANS
Wow, really?
JEEN
Yeah... I had dinner reservations
and everything.

SANS
That’s so strange, why would he
cancel?
JEEN
No idea... I mean, it’s not money,
I made it pretty clear that I like
to pay my own way on a date.
SANS
Ah, that’s why he canceled.

JEEN
What’s wrong with that?
SANS
Mike ain’t the 50/50 on dinner type
guy.

JEEN
I think he is. You know I don’t go
dates with those egotistical
assholes that need to pay for
everything.
SANS
No, you misunderstand me, he’s not
the 50/50 type he’s the 100/nothing
type. As in, you pay 100 and he
pays nothing.
JEEN
Why do I have to pay for
everything?!

SANS
Because, the beauty does not pay to
eat with the beast and if this was
a musical... Mike would be the
beauty and you’d be the beast.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.

JEEN
I can’t be the beast, the beast is
a man.
SANS
Fine, you’d be the hambeast.
JEEN
How am I the hambeast?!
SANS
He’s a 22 year old fitness model,
you’re an old washed up journalist.
Get real, Jeen!
JEEN
33 is not old!

SANS
It’s over the hill. If you want a
guy like Mike you gotta be his
sugarmumma.

JEEN
That’s ridiculous. Mike does not
expect me to be his sugarmumma, I’m
sure he’s just busy with work, he’s
probably got a lot on his plate.

They look over at Mike who’s sitting at his desk and staring
intensly at his pen as he clicks it. Sans throws a balled up
piece of paper at him which bounces off his head without him
noticing.

SANS
Why do you even come to me with
these problems?
JEEN
You came over to me!

SANS
Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you about
that story you’re doing on young,
successful entrepreneurs...
(gestures to himself)

JEEN
I’m not using you, I need someone
young.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.

SANS
I’m young, I’m only 33!
JEEN
33 is over the hill.

SANS
Oh come on! Jeen, please, I need
the exposure.
JEEN
Why do you even come to me with
these problems?
SANS
Then who are you going to use?

JEEN
I was thinking of using Grace.
SANS
What?!

They look over and see GRACE (20’s) - A bubbly E-girl - She
dances in front of her Iphone creating a TikTok video.
SANS
You can’t use Grace, she belongs to
the streets.

JEEN
Sans, that’s terrible, don’t say
that!
SANS
What I mean is, she wouldn’t know
anything about running a business.
She’ll make your article look
ridiculous.

JEEN
And what is your business again?
SANS
Vape.

JEEN
Like cigarrettes?
SANS
No way, the cigarette industry is
pure evil. You know they used to
tell people smoking is healthy.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.

SANS (cont’d)
It’s despicable. (beat) Now, vaping
on the other hand actually is
healthy. It hydrates your lungs.
When was the last time you hydrated
your lungs?
JEEN
I nearly drowned once, does that
count?

SANS
Pretty much (beat) Also, I almost
made 30 bucks yesterday.
JEEN
That’s it?

SANS
It’s more than Grace made!
JEEN
Well, look, honestly, it’s not
about making money. It’s about the
struggle young women have to go
through to succeed in today’s
business environment.

SANS
"Not about making money" - Business
is only about making money. See,
that’s why women struggle in
business because you’re too worried
about "ideals" instead of what
really matters - Money.
Jeen rolls her eyes.
JEEN
so, did you want to have dinner
Saturday? At least I know you won’t
flake.
SANS
I’ll go but you know it’s
100/nothing, right?

JEEN
I’m not your sugarmumma, we’re the
same age!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.

SANS
Jeen, please, I’ve been using the
Q10+ anti-aging moisturizer every
night for the last 10 years. I’ve
outperformed you.

JEEN
It’s 50/50!
SANS
And I’m broke.

INT. GRACE’S DESK - OFFICE - DAY

Jeen sits in front of Grace and turns on the voice recorder
initiating the interview.

JEEN
So... Grace... you’re a full-time
entertainment reporter but you also
run an online business as an
"influencer". Tell us, what’s the
average day like for a savvy young
businesswoman such as yourself...
GRACE
Oh, it’s very tough. There’s a lot
of hard work involved. For
starters, every morning I need to
figure out what outfit I’ll wear.
Then I need to turn on my computer
and log on to Instagram or
twitchTV. After that I’ll usually
check my DMs and sort the death
threats from the rape threats...
JEEN
Mm, yes. Staying well organised is
key to managing a business.

Jeen turns off the recorder cutting the interview.

JEEN
Hey, um, can I ask you something
personal?

GRACE
Sure.
JEEN
Do you ever pay for your own dates?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.

GRACE
You mean like a dinner date? No,
never.
JEEN
You’ve never had to pay for your
half of the date?
GRACE
Most guys want to pay for
everything.

JEEN
Ok, but don’t you see the problem
with that? What about your
autonomy? I mean, yeah, the free
meal is great but don’t you want to
be independent?
Grace’s computer malfunctions.
GRACE
Oh no, my computer froze.
I.T. GUY
Hi Grace, I heard you’re having
problems with your computer?

The I.T. Guy has appeared out of nowhere.

JEEN
What the hell?
GRACE
The screen froze.
The I.T. Guy begins fixing it.
JEEN
I’ve been waiting 3 months to get
my computer looked at. Her computer
breaks for half a second and you
magically appear out of nowhere!
I.T. GUY
Oh, you should go down to the I.T.
department, one of the guys there
will help you out.
JEEN
Unbelievable.

Jeen storms off.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.

IT GUY
All done!
GRACE
Thanks!

Sans enters.
SANS
How’s the article coming along?

GRACE
We haven’t started yet.
SANS
Come on, Grace... Don’t you think
this is all a bit silly?

GRACE
Why?
SANS
Jeen pretending you can run a
business like you’re some sort of
hot shot entrepreneur, it’s all so
patronizing. (off her confusion)
You do stupid little dances on your
Iphone and record yourself playing
video games, and you suck at video
games! That’s not running a
business. She needs to do the
article on me - Someone who
actually knows how to make money.
Sans notices something on her computer screen.

SANS
Hey, what are all those little
numbers?

GRACE
These ones?
SANS
Yeah the ones with little pluses
and dollar signs...

GRACE
Those are donations to my Patreon
and those are donations to my
Onlyfans.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.

SANS
Someone just gave you $2000?
GRACE
Uh huh.

SANS
Huh...
GRACE
That’ll probably happen a few times
a day.
SANS
Interesting...
CUT TO:

INT. NEWS DESK - BUSINESS AND FINANCE - LATER

Sans is live on TV. He’s in a state of shock and has a very
disturbed look on his face. His Co-host sits opposite him.

CO-HOST
So what do you think, Sans? The
unemployment rate has reached 20%
yet the stock market hit a record
high! Are we living in cucko land?!
(beat) Sans?
SANS
(shell shocked)
Cucko Land... No, I think we’re
living in a simpulation...

CO-HOST
A simp-what?
Music plays overhead wrapping up the segment.

CO-HOST
I’ve gotta go take a piss, I’ll
catch up with you later, Sans.
The Co-host hops off the stool and exits. The manager,
AL-FAROUM (40’S) - Middle eastern, conservative, a bit of a
Dad - Approaches the desk.
AL
Sans, what happened? the show was
terrible.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.

SANS
What’s the point, Al? I’ve been in
finance for 10 years. I’ve even got
my own show. I bust my ass running
a vape store yet I can barely break
even meanwhile Grace plays Call of
Duty with her tiddies out and she’s
made 2 thousand dollars by lunch
time.
AL
Yes, it’s very shameful to be
outperformed by a 19 year old girl.
Sans groans.
AL
But you have to look at it like
this; Grace is your friend. You
should be happy for her. Inshallah,
one day she will become the worlds’
greatest electronic-prostitute.
Maybe, spend some time with her,
find out her business strategy.
SANS
Is that would you would do if you
were me?

AL
Me? No, in my country it would be
too shameful to take advice from a
19 year old girl (beat) but we’re
not in my country. You’re a
feminized western man that wears
Nivea beauty cream. You don’t have
to concern yourself with things
like dignity.
SANS
You’re right, mate. You’re 100%
right. She’s always been there for
me. Always lent me money when I’m
late on rent. The least I can do is
be happy for her.

INT. MIKE’S DESK - OFFICE - DAY

MIKE (early 20’s) - Office worker and fitness model - sits
at his desk. Jeen approaches.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.

JEEN
Hey, Mike...
MIKE
Jeen, hi. (beat) Sorry I can’t make
it on Saturday.

JEEN
No, that’s alright. (beat) Look, I
just wanted to ask you, this isn’t
about who’s paying for dinner is
it?
MIKE
Yeah, it kind of is.
JEEN
But, why? I don’t understand what’s
wrong with paying for our own
meals?
MIKE
because that wouldn’t be market
value, Jeen.
JEEN
What market?
MIKE
The sexual market. You see, I’m
young and hot. My sexual market
value is an 8 or a 9. It wouldn’t
be fair for me to go on a date with
a 5 and have to pay for my own
meal.

JEEN
How am I a 5?!
MIKE
You’re old. I’m in my prime. To me
you’re a five.
JEEN
I’m still pretty good for my age.

MIKE
Look, don’t take my word for it.
Find someone who’s willing to go
50/50 on dinner with you and that’s
your market value. Me... Well, If
you wanna have dinner together it’s
gonna cost ya. You need to be my
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.

MIKE (cont’d)
sugar mumma. (beat) Now, someone
like Grace...
JEEN
You know, what, forget Grace, she
belongs to the streets. I’m sure
there’s plenty of men around here
who are more than happy to take me
out for dinner and pay for
everything.

Jeen walks off.

INT. OFFICE - OTHER AREA - CONTINUED

Jeen approaches various male co-workers in the office.

JEEN
Steve, are you busy saturday night?
STEVE (OS)
Yes. Sorry, Jeen
She rolls her eyes and moves on to the next one.
JEEN
Frank?

FRANK (OS)
Sorry, I’m busy
JEEN
What the...
She moves on.

INT. CHUCK’S DESK - OFFICE - CONTINUED

Frustrated, she approaches Chuck - An insufferable dweeb.

JEEN
Ok... Chuck... You’re definitely
not busy.

CHUCK
(unenthusiastic)
I guess we could go on a date...

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.

JEEN
You know how to treat a lady,
right?

CHUCK
Yes... You pay 70 I’ll pay 30...
JEEN
What are you talking about you
pimple headed freak!
CHUCK
Oh, ok... 50/50?
JEEN
We are not the same market value! I
wouldn’t touch you with a 10 foot
pole! Jesus christ, it’s 2020 and
I’m not going to put up with some
bullshit system of value you guys
have created! Now, you’re going to
take me out for a night on the town
and pay for my dinner while you
sexually harass me all night
because you’re a desperate loser
and I’m way out of your league! Got
it!

CUT TO:

INT. AL’S OFFICE - LATER

Jeen sits guiltily in front of Al. He sighs with

dissappointment.
AL
You know, Jeen, in my country,
there is no discrimination against
women. It doesn’t matter if she is
beautiful or a hambeast the man
always pays for the date. It’s a
matter of principle.

JEEN
Sounds like we could learn a thing
or two from your country.
Al chuckles.

JEEN
So... Ah... You... Have any plans
for Saturday night?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.

AL
(caught off guard)
Huh? Sorry, what’s that?
JEEN
Saturday... I just thought if you
wanted to...
AL
Oh, um... No, I don’t think that
would be appropriate considering...

JEEN
Considering you think I’m a
hambeast.
AL
I have a wife and kids!
JEEN
You’re not even married, you live
by yourself in a share house!

AL
I left them back in my country!
(beat) That reminds me, I should
let them out of the nuclear bunker,
the war ended a year ago.

Al picks up the phone.

AL
(to someone on the other end)
Ah yes, Ackbar... (speaks in
arabic...) The password?
He starts patting himself down.
AL
Let’s see... Where did I put the
password to the nuclear bunker...

INT. I.T. DEPARTMENT - DAY

The nerdy I.T. guys sit at their computers. Jeen enters
scantily dressed, she circles the room vying for attention.
JEEN
So, anyone got a moment to fix my
computer?

She’s invisible to them.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.

IT GUY
(glued to the screen)
Just a moment, Jeen.
She leans in to have a look at what they’re watching and
notices it’s Grace’s live stream of her Onlyfans.
JEEN
What’s that?
IT GUY
It’s Graces Onlyfans.
IT GUY 2
I’m so glad I got paid today, I can
donate it all to her!

JEEN
No... You know what... This is not
on... This is sexual harassment!
IT GUY
But it’s her Onlyfans.

JEEN
You’re sexually harassing her.
(beat) she does not exist for your
own sick perverted pleasure... This
is objectification and it’s...
illegal... In fact, I’m writing you
all up and you’re all going to get
fired!
She storms out.

INT. GRACE’S DESK - OFFICE - DAY

Sans drags his feet approaching Grace who’s dancing in front
of her webcam.

SANS
(walking)
Hi Grace...
GRACE
Someone just dropped 5k in my
account.
He sighs and continues walking past.
 16.

INT. JEEN’S DESK - OFFICE - CONTINUED

He approaches Jeen who’s furiously writing an email.
SANS
What’s going on?

JEEN
I’m filing a letter of complaint to
head office. Did you know the I.T.
guys have been watching Grace
undress during work? It’s
disgusting!
SANS
Is that not allowed?

JEEN
NO! That’s a grave violation of
workplace harassment policy.
SANS
So, what you’re saying is Grace has
been commiting a crime by
provocking innocent men to sexually
harass her?
JEEN
What? No.

SANS
Well, that makes perfect sense. No
wonder she’s been doing so well. I
mean, anyone can make money by
breaking the law. I could go rob a
bank and become a millionaire but
you don’t see me robbing banks do
you?
JEEN
No, no, no, she’s the victim here!
They are the criminals preying on
her.
SANS
Thanks, Jeen!

Sans walks off.

 17.

INT. GRACE’S DESK - OFFICE - CONTINUED

Grace is dancing. Sans jumps in.
SANS
Haaa! Criminal! You’re gonna jail!

GRACE
Why, what did I do?
SANS
You violated the law! Seductress!
Temptress of evil and debauchery!

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Grace is following Sans towards his office in a panic.

GRACE
But I didn’t mean to do anything
wrong, everyone is doing it!

SANS
Grace, you need to learn about
business ethics.
GRACE
I don’t even know what that is!

SANS
You can’t just willy nilly do as
you please when running a business.
There are systems of checks and
balances in place that need to be
respected.
GRACE
Ok, teach me, I want to be an
ethical businessperson.

SANS
I’ll tell you what... I’ll take you
to my vape shop and you can see
first hand how an ethical
establishment is run, ok?
 18.

INT. SANS’ OFFICE - CONTINUED

Sans and Grace enter the office.
SANS
Alright, here we are.

Boxes of vape products line the wall.

GRACE
This is your office?

SANS
Yeah, and?
GRACE
I thought you had an actual store?

SANS
Too many overheads. Gotta reduce
expenses. Business 101.
He walks around behind his desk.

SANS
You see, Grace, I wait for orders
to come in, then I put the order in
an envelope and send it out. It’s
all very state-of-the-art.

Ding! He checks the computer.

SANS
Ah, look, there’s an order now. The
boys in I.T. want one bottle of
Mango e-juice and a bottle of Grape
e-juice. See, Grace, that’s a 40
dollar order right there. Minus
wholesale costs that’s a net profit
of 7 bucks today.

He begins packaging the bottles.

SANS
See, that’s good, honest business
practice.

Ding! Grace checks her phone.

SANS
Who’s that?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 19.

GRACE
Oh, someone just dropped another 2k
into my Patreon.
Sans rubs his face in frustration.

SANS
GOD DAMNIT, GRACE, STOP WORRYING
ABOUT MONEY!
He jumps up and snatches her phone away throwing it to the
ground.
SANS
Running a business is not about
making money it’s about doing
things ethically! (beat) Anyone can
make money if they don’t have any
morals now help me pump nicotine
into these juices so I can get
these fuckers addicted.
He pulls out a bottle of nicotine liquid and starts adding
it to the e-juice.

INT. I.T. ROOM - DAY

Sans walks in and hands the vape juice to the I.T. Guys.

SANS
Enjoy, lads.
IT GUY
Thanks!

SANS
That’ll be 40 dollars.
IT GUY
Can we pay you next week, we spent
all our money on Grace’s Onlyfans.
SANS
What? No! I don’t do tick, this is
my bread and butter! Why the hell
did you waste all your money on
Grace? you have vape juice now!
They hang their heads in shame.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 20.

SANS
C’mon, I thought your guys were
alpha males.
IT GUY
We are Aplha. We’re tier 3
subscribers.
SANS
No, subscribing to onlyfans is
beta. Alphas don’t waste their
money on E-girls... They vape.
Sans takes a long draw of a vape pen.
SANS
Mmm, strawberry shortcake with
creamy toffee ice-cream on a
decidant marshmellow base. Now
that’s alpha.
IT GUY 2
I wish we could have them both.

IT GUY
Like an e-girl flavoured e-juice.
IT GUY 3
E-girl flavoured E-juice, Ha! How
would you even create such a thing?
Sans gets an idea...

INT. JEEN’S DESK -OFFICE - LATER

Jeen is working at her desk. The I.T. Guy approaches.
I.T. GUY
Hi, Jeen, I’m here to fix your
computer.
JEEN
Oh, so, Grace takes a break from
onlyfans and now suddenly you’ve
got time to work?

He begins fixing her computer. He sucks on a vape pen

blowing clouds of smoke in her face. She waves and coughs
then picks up the small bottle of vape juice he put down.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 21.

JEEN
What is this stuff? (reads label)
Essence Of Grace...

INT. SANS’ APARTMENT - BATHROOM - LATER

Grace is submerged up to her neck in cold water in a bathtub
in Sans’ dingy old apartment. Sans dumps a bucket of water
on her and stirs the tub with a big stick.

GRACE
(shivering)
Why is the water so cold?
SANS
I haven’t paid my heating bill.

GRACE
Sans, are you sure selling my
bathwater as vape juice is ethical?
SANS
SHUT UP. MONEY!
Sans dips his finger in and gives it a taste.
SANS
Eh, not bad.

Jeen storms in.

JEEN
Sans! What the hell is going on?!

SANS
Um... I’m... Helping Grace...
Manage her... e-girl business...
JEEN
Look at her, she’s freezing cold,
she’s going to get hypothermia!
Jeen tends to grace.
JEEN
Oh Sans, this is just so wrong...
CUT TO:
 22.

INT. JEEN’S HOUSE - BATHROOM - LATER

Grace is now in Jeen’s luxury bathtub. Jeen dumps a bucket
of warm water on her.
JEEN
You need warm water to really open
up her pours and get those fluids
out.
Sans tastes it... She’s right, it’s fantastic.

Ding! He checks his phone.

SANS
100 orders of Grace flavoured
e-juice! What’d I say?!

JEEN
If I’m gonna be a hambeast at least
I’ll be rich. How much we charging
for this stuff, anyway?

SANS
I dunno... Say, 200 bucks a bottle.
(beat) Minus Grace’s cut of 2%...
JEEN
2% that’s a bit much, all she does
is lie there. We’re ones doing all
the hard work.
Jeen scoops up a bucket of bathwater. Sans holds out a tiny
empty 100ml bottle. She pours it in and water goes
everywhere but inside the bottle.

SANS
You’re wasting bathwater!!!
JEEN
Hold it steady!!!
Al storms in.
AL
What the hell is going on here?!

Jeen and Sans freeze.

AL
Where have you been all week? Why
aren’t you all at work?!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 23.

SANS
It’s been a week?
JEEN
I... am... Working... From Home...
on Grace’s feature article...
Jeen pulls out a camera and takes a snap shot of Grace who’s
fallen asleep in the tub.
AL
If this was my country... If this
was my country... (beat) This crazy
bullshit wouldn’t happen in my
country!

INT. AL’S OFFICE - DAY

Jeen and Sans sit in front of Al who’s on the phone. He
thanks the person at the end of the line and hangs up.

AL
Grace has mild hypothermia but
should pull through with a few days
rest. They’re going to keep her
monitored at the hospital.

Al turns to his computer and brings up his emails.

AL
Now, Jeen, I received all your
emails about the sexual
harassment...

JEEN
Right... Yes...
AL
But I wasn’t sure what to do with
them. In my country we don’t have a
department for sexual harassment we
would just forward these into the
recycling bin.

Jeen gets up and walks around to Al to show him what to do.

JEEN
I guess you’d just send them to HR
or Head Office...

She scrolls through all the emails and notices there’s a lot
more than she submitted.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 24.

JEEN
What are all these other ones?
AL
These are sexual harassment claims
made against you.

JEEN
Against me?
AL
Yes, Chuck filed a claim saying you
tried to force sexual intercourse
with him.
JEEN
That’s a lie!

AL
And the guys in I.T. said you
approached them naked.
JEEN
I wasn’t naked!
AL
Look, just forward everything to
the sexual harassment department.

JEEN
Um... You know what... I like the
way they do things in your country.
She highlights all the emails and deletes them. Al’s happy
with that.

His phone rings and he answers.

AL
(It’s Ackbar)
Oh it didn’t work? Try the last 4
digits of my telephone number... No
my old one back in Lebanon... (to
Sans and Jeens) What was the last 4
digits of my telephone number?

Jeen and Sans shrug.

JEEN
Try your birthday?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 25.

AL
Ah good (to Ackbar in Arabic)
(beat) Oh it locked you out? Oh
boy...

THE END