MODULE 3 | GROUP CONVERSATIONS

Join Group Conversations

Without Feeling Intimidated
Let’s talk about how to join group conversations without feeling intimidated. To start, I
want to read you a quote from a student named Cassandra. “I felt like a seven year old
girl in a woman’s body. I did not want to step on my boss’s toes by interrupting him, so I
caved in and sat there like a mute. I felt so utterly worthless, like smiling, dumb furniture.”

There are some haunting invisible scripts around group conversations. We show up, we
meet people we may or may not know and what does our mind tell ourselves? Our mind
says things like, “I don’t know what to say. If I speak up, I’ll sound stupid. I should just
be quiet and listen. Why would anyone listen to me?”

So today, let’s reframe how to enjoy ourselves in group conversations. It’s not, “Why
would anyone listen to me?”, but instead, “I have a lot of value to add. What’s the best
way I can add it here?” So watch now as we go through some tactics that you can use
immediately to feel more comfortable in group situations.

The number one tactic to enjoy group conversations without feeling intimated, is to
think of yourself as the breath of fresh air, and then to act accordingly. This actually
just happened to me last weekend. I was at a barbecue, we were at a friend’s rooftop and
I was sitting around talking to my usual group of friends. These are the friends you see
all the time, you end up talking about the same sort of topics. We were kind of there
just catching up on stuff and somebody overheard something we were talking about as
they were getting food, so it was natural for them to be standing close by. They actually
tapped me on the shoulder and said, “You know, I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but I notice
you were talking about going to the gym. Which gyms do you guys workout at?” I ended
up saying “Oh, I work out at this gym and also this gym and she said, “Oh, I got this
pass where I pay like $50 a month and I go to XYZ gym.” Boom! We started talking, we
ended up talking for a couple of hours. That is the breath of fresh air. “I don’t mean to
eavesdrop but...”.

Now notice the subtle complexities that went in to making that comfortable. First of all,
this person happened to be nearby because the food was nearby. In other words, they
didn’t walk all the way across a huge room and stand awkwardly near two people and
then wait to eavesdrop. That would not be cool. The second thing that happened was,
she acknowledged what was going on. “I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but...” And the third
thing was, we are all looking for someone new to talk to. We all want to connect with
people, so she actually did me a favor by coming up, saying hello and then we got in to
a great conversation. I thought that was terrific. I had a great time talking to her and all
of us made a new friend that day. So think of yourself as a breath of fresh air, and where
you can, add a little bit of value to a conversation that is already going on.

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 MODULE 3 | GROUP CONVERSATIONS

Join Group Conversations

Without Feeling Intimidated
The second way to feel more comfortable in group situations, ask for clarification. One
of the things I learned, was if someone asks a question, there are probably a hundred
other people who have the exact same question. We all know we’ve been that way when
we were in class. Someone would raise their hand and say, “I don’t really quite get how
you did that calculation”, and you were in the back like “Yes! Thank God! I’m so glad
someone asked that question.” We naturally don’t want to ask for clarification. It makes
us look dumb, we feel foolish, we wonder if we missed something that everyone else got.
The tactic here is to think of yourself as the curious beginner. Curious beginner. You
walk in, someone’s talking about something and you say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t quite get
that. What does that mean?”. I’ll do this a lot. There are certain words I don’t know or
there’s a concept their talking about from a different industry. I’ll say, “Oh, really? What
is that? What are doors?”. One of my friends works in fashion and she said “Oh, we put
this shirt in thirty-four doors.” I said, “Doors? What does that mean?”, and she’ll tell me
and now we have a whole new conversational topic to talk about. So the curious beginner
is not afraid to look stupid. They are actually making other people feel comfortable by
asking the questions that everyone else wants answered.

The number three way to make yourself feel more comfortable in group situations, is
to sparingly use self-deprecation. Now, we’ve all heard people self-deprecate. They
might make fun of the way they look or something stupid they did, and it’s funny, but
you want to be very careful in how much you self-deprecate. Too much, and it’s a very a
low competence trigger. I think we’ve all heard people who are self-deprecating to the
point of being down on themselves and it’s not attractive. Self-deprecation works best
when you are a high credibility figure who periodically will poke fun at themselves. For
example, I’ve told a joke about how I know so little about sports. I actually use the wrong
words. When I was in junior high, I was trying to crack a joke about butter fingers, and
instead I said “Yeah, he’s so bad at football he has butter hands.” And everyone stopped
and looked at me like, “You are so stupid Ramit.” But that’s the point. I just don’t know
anything about sports. That is a short example of a self-deprecating joke. It’s okay, it’s
not super funny, but it kind of conveys the idea that I can make fun of myself. Notice
the most important part of that. It’s very short. You don’t want to be self-deprecating
for a three minute joke. It just makes you look horrible. You can use this very sparingly.
Be very cautious about using it more than once per conversation.

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Join Group Conversations

Without Feeling Intimidated
Here are your action steps for today. Note how these action steps are getting increasingly
more complex. That’s okay, because at this point you’ve practiced some of the basics and
you’re going to start practicing more advanced topics here. Again, each of these will take
time. Give yourself permission to take time and improve these, but just notice these are
getting significantly more advanced than the ones you started with.

So the action step for today is this week I want you to interrupt three conversations. Not
rudely, but in a polite way where you’re actually adding value. Remember how we talked
about polite eavesdropping? “Oh, I hate to eavesdrop, but I couldn’t help but overhear...”
Now, I want you to do this three times. The first time is at work with colleagues, the
second time is going to be in a public place, like a coffee shop, or a restaurant or you
overhear two people talking at the Macy’s counter and the third one is going to be the
location of your choice. If it gets uncomfortable, wrap it up quickly. “Sorry to interrupt,
really nice to talk to you.” Simple as that. But I want you to get comfortable inserting
yourself in to conversations. Again, very politely, add value, quickly and then move on.
That’s your action step for the week. Let me know how it goes. It’s going to be challenging
but I know you can do it.

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