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CHAPTER 8

Business Jokes

Business Jokes
The Best Business Jokes #1

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys...

All are on different limbs,... at different levels,... some are
climbing up, others climbing down.

The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smil-
ing faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but

a**holes.

The Best Business Jokes #2

Staff: “A little. What’s wrong sir?”

Manager: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to
say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the
same thing happened.”
Staff: “How did you load the sheet?”
Manager: “I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I
folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”
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The Best Business Jokes #3

The Ten Commandments Of Employment

1. If it rings, put it on hold.

2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it's the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it's handwritten, type it.
8. If it's typed, copy it.
9. If it's copied, file it.
10. If it's Friday, forget it!

The Best Business Jokes #4

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when
he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important

document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can
you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine

on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared

inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
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The Best Business Jokes #5

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at

home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic
and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you
the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

The Best Business Jokes #6

Many years ago, a large American shoe company sent two sales
representatives out to different parts of the Australian outback
to see if they could drum up some business among the Abori-
gines.

Some time later, the company received telegrams from both

agents.

The first said, "No business here... natives don't wear shoes."

The second one said, "Great opportunity here... natives don't

wear shoes!"
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The Best Business Jokes #7

Two construction workers always noticed that their boss always

left early on Fridays. So one asked the other that if the boss left
early next Friday if he would want to also. The other man
agreed.

Sure enough, when Friday came, the boss left early. Therefore,
the two men left also. The one offered the other to join him
down at the bar, but he decided to just head on home. When
he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs. When
he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the noise was
coming from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his
boss sleeping with his wife, so he quietly closed the door and
headed back down the stairs and out the front door.

He made his way down to the bar to see if his friend was still
there and he was. His friend asked, "I thought you were headed
home?" The man replied, "I did, but this is the last time I ever
leave work early again." His friend asked, "Why's that?" The
man replied, "I almost got caught by the boss."
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The Best Business Jokes #8

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He

reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers
the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me
where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering
30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is

technically correct, but completely useless."

The man below says: "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still
in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my
fault."
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Bar Jokes
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CHAPTER 9

Best Bar Jokes

Best Bar Jokes

The Best Bar Jokes #1

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and or-

ders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink,
he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to
prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he
again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to
bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, bud-
dy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me
why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When
she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

The Best Bar Jokes #2

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he
needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his
drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not
drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another
sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
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The Best Bar Jokes #3

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop
passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The
drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours,
and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes
my neighbor."

The Best Bar Jokes #4

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th
floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can
jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second
man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first
man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before
jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100,
the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it
again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first
man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then
jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak
gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can
jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man
says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and
falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the
barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when
you're drunk, Superman."

The Best Bar Jokes #5

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy

bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence
laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar,
trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before
he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with
his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove
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off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver,
read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The
results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded
to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the
Designated Decoy."

The Best Bar Jokes #6

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drink-
ing some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You
see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm
gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the
man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts,
"but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns
around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you
from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too!
What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man
replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces,
"162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your par-
ents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second
man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some
more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender
comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's
new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

The Best Bar Jokes #7

A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he

knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to
walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar
and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him
$100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking
down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to
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the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?". Flustered
the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they
drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny
you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo
pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window
and says "Hey Benny how have you been?" So then he bets him
$1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to
Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm
gonna come out there with the Pope." So he goes up there and
looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and
says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" he goes
"No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up
there with Benny!"