CHAPTER 1

4| Page The Best Jokes of All Time

CHAPTER 1

The Best Jokes Ever

The Best Jokes Ever

The Best Joke of All Time:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The
other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency servic-
es. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator
says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the
guy says "OK, now what?"

The Best Jokes Ever #1

A guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits
down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window,
and jumps out. Five minutes later, the same guy walks into the
bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to
the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-
appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later,
another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how
the hell are you doing that?!"

The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you
chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air
rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air
and float down to the sidewalk."
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"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he or-
ders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps
out, and splats on the sidewalk below.

The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman,
you're an a**hole when you're drunk."

The Best Jokes Ever #2

A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle and he is

approached by an officer from the fisheries board. The officer
says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of
this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a swim. He swims
across the river and back".

"Bullshit" the officer replies. So the man places the turtle in the
water and says "watch this". The turtle swims out and the two
men are standing there waiting. Ten minutes goes past and the
officer says "well where's the turtle".

The man replies - "what turtle"?

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The Best Jokes Ever #3

A man gets plastic surgery to look younger (he's 46 years old).

After the surgery is done, he's really impressed with the way he
looks. As he walks home he stops by a newspaper stand, buys
the paper, and asks the guy "How old do you think i am?" The
guy replies with "Hmm.. 35?" The man feels really happy and
says "Well actually im 46" Then he stops by a butcher shop,
buys some meat, and asks the guy "How old do you think i
am?" The man says "24?" Again, the guy feels really happy and
says "Actually im 46". He stops at a bus stop and sees an old
lady (about 80 years old) and asks her "How old do you think i
am?" She says "Well, my eyesight is very week but when i was
a kid, there was a way to know a mans exact age just by
putting my hand in your pants and playing with your 'weenie'
for 15 mins" So the man says "Sure, go for it" So she does, and
after 15 mins she says "Your 46" The man replies "WOW! THAT
WAS AMAZING HOW'D YOU KNOW?!" The old lady laughs and
says "I was behind you at the butcher shop"

The Best Jokes Ever #4

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how

important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My
son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you
down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a
room, people say 'Your Eminence'.
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-
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hung, male stripper."

Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says, "Oh my
God..."

The Best Jokes Ever #5

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf
course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when
he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the
course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his
eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is
the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You
truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we
were married 35 years.”

The Best Jokes Ever #6

A married couple went to a restaurant to grab a bite to eat.

The waiter asks "Can i take your order sir?"
He replies " Yes, i'll have the steak cooked...rare"
"But what about the mad cow?" said the waiter.
He says "Well...She can order for herself"