Top Ten Rules of Positive Discipline to

Teach Toddlers Good Behavior

1. Be loving. As long as your child feels the security of your love, his reaction to discipline will probably be
positive. When he is denied love, his fragile world breaks apart and his reaction to discipline becomes random.
2. Maintain routine. Routine is to a child what walls are to a house: it gives boundaries and dimensions to
the child’s life. No child feels safe in a situation in which he doesn’t know what to expect. The routine
should not be so rigid, however, that there is no room for flexibility. Breaks from routine should be the
exception, rather than the rule.
3. Set limits. Limits tell your child what you will or will not tolerate and under what conditions. When you
first start to set limits, expect your child’s behavior to get worse. Children will test you! Steps for settings
limits are:
1) Respect you and your child’s feelings. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are.
2) Be clear about what you want, and what you are willing to do or not do.
3) Tell your children using an “I” statement.
4) Be ready to follow through. Do what you say you will do.
4. Keep rules to a minimum. A rule about staying out of the street is essential. However, a rule about being
neat at mealtime may not be necessary.
5. Be firm and consistent. Once you make an essential rule, stick by it. If the neighbor’s yard is off limits,
it’s always off limits.
6. Encourage desired behavior. When your child waits for a cracker while you finish on the phone, say
“Thank you for waiting” and add a hug and smile.
7. Don’t encourage undesired behavior. When your child throws a temper tantrum because he isn’t getting
what he wants, don’t give in. Giving in encourages him to throw a tantrum to get what he wants the next
time.
8. Offer choices. Choices encourage children to make their own decisions and help to avoid power struggles.
For example, a parent might say, “Which shirt do you want to wear, the red one or the blue one?” If your
child still demands a yellow shirt, continue to offer the red or blue one.
9. Allow natural consequences to occur. If a child puts her shoes on the wrong feet, her feet will hurt. Ask
yourself “What will happen if I didn’t do anything?” That result is a natural consequence. If you take action
when you don’t need to, you rob your child of the chance to experience the natural consequence. Times
when you would not want to allow a natural consequence to occur are when:
● The natural consequence would endanger the safety of the child.
● The natural consequence interferes with your rights, or the rights of others.
● When the effects of the natural consequences are too long range for the child to understand effects of
his actions.

© 2002, Vanderbilt University, The MIHOW Program, All rights reserved. Chapter 6
10. Adapt discipline to your child. As you get to know your child’s temperment well, you’ll find the best way
to encourage his good behavior. He may like hugs and kisses. But not all two-year-olds do. Watch him to
see what works.

COMMON DISCIPLINE SITUATIONS

What you SHOULD

Situation Understanding your child What you SHOULD do
NOT do

Temper Tantrums Your child is overpowered
by intense emotions he
can’t control or understand.
1. Lift him up so that he 1. Do not yell at him to
does not injure himself stop.
or others. 2. Do not try to reason
2. Wait calmly until the with him.
rage subsides. 3. Do not leave him alone.
3. Divert his attention to He needs you with him.
an activity where he 4. Do not get excited. He
can have a success needs you to be calm.
that you can praise.
4. Anticipate situations
before they occur.

Throwing his cup or toy
on the floor
He may be practicing
throwing skills.
He may be experimenting
to see where it lands.
1. Pick up the cup or toy 1. Do not scold him.
for him. 2. Do not spank him.
2. “I love you, but I don’t
like it when you throw
your cup / toy on the
floor.”

Breaking your favorite If he doesn’t understand
dish the concept of possession
he doesn’t know that he
has committed a misdeed.
If he understands that you
are sad about your dish,
the burden of taking the
blame is intolerable. That’s
why he blames someone
else.
1. You have every right to 1. Do not break one of his
say, “Oh, my favorite favorite toys. It starts a
dish!” vicious cycle.
2. Ask him to join you as 2. Do not force him to
you try to glue the admit his guilt. He’ll
pieces together. feel unloved and
3. Accept responsibility miserable.
for leaving the dish in a 3. Do not brand him as a
vulnerable place. liar. He won’t
understand anyway.
He can’t distinguish
between make-believe
and reality.

Crying the first time he
goes to the pool, beach
or lake
He is not misbehaving. It
may be so big that he is
frightened.
1. Let him watch others 1. Do not shame him for
having fun in the water. being a crybaby.
2. When he is ready for a 2. Do not force him to go
first test of the water, into the water.
hold his hand and stay
right with him.
3. If you are at the beach,
show him the fun he
can have in the sand.

Adapted from Your Baby’s First 30 Months by Lucie Barber and Herman Williams, H.P. Books, 1981, Out of Print

© 2002, Vanderbilt University, The MIHOW Program, All rights reserved. Chapter 6