Nicole Paradas

12th A

Tangled satire

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away called New York City, lived a stone cold fox named

Rapunzel. Her mother—well, the women who raised her—was named Gothel and the landlord of

one of the hundreds of apartment buildings. She locked her away in the top floor penthouse and

raised her there. She didn’t know or care why. She didn’t even know who her real parents were. All

she knew was that she looked good. Large hips, emerald green eyes, and long blonde hair

accented her unnaturally small waist, almost as if she were a real-life Barbie Doll. She sang songs

of her beauty, fully knowing how enchanting her appearance was to Gothel.

She would come and go during the day, using her hair in place of the fire escape that had rusted

into nothingness when she was five. Rapunzel would sing and do ditzy things all day long, not

caring for the world outside her windows with it’s smog billowing from the smokestack people that

wandered the streets and shattering of an American Dream every few minutes. Why would she do

anything productive when she could sit admiring herself all day while singing at the top of her

lungs? It was a nasty world out there and it didn’t deserve to be touched by her beauty. Her walls

were all mirrors, so as long as she could see her sexiness, the rest of the world didn’t matter.

One day, just before her eighteenth birthday, the most popular boy in the neighborhood, Flynn,

rode past on his moped. Through the blaring of car horns, he heard Rapunzel’s songs and stopped

to listen. He stood entranced for the entire night and into the next morning, only coming back to

reality when a hunched and smelly figure darted past him, heading towards the window from which

the singing leaked. He hastened off, making note of the building and window, and vowed to come

back. Just as he was leaving, he heard the figure call out in a crackly voice, “Rapunzel, Rapunzel,

let down your fire escape.”

Flynn’s mouth dropped open at the golden hair plummeting to the littered streets in response. He

shook himself, rode home, and came back the next night with an idea. As he stood listening to

Rapunzel sing, he shouted, “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your fire escape.”
The hair came down just as before and Flynn climbed up.

When he stepped through the window, Rapunzel felt her cheeks blush. That was not Gothel ! But,

oh my, he was handsome. His athletic build, similar to that of an Olympic swimmer, would have

been enough to make Rapunzel swoon but he also had the cutest button nose, perfect amount of

scruff on his chin, and chocolate brown eyes deep enough to melt her soul. He was the Ken to her

Barbie.

Flynn began to sing her narcissistic songs back to her and Rapunzel immediately felt herself relax

into his presence. Having read so many fairy tales about princes showing grand gestures of love,

she joined in. Brayden dropped to one knee as the songs ended and said, “Yo, I know we just met,

but your beauty is sick, bae. Wanna Netflix and chill?”

Rapunzel, unsure of what that meant, only cared that this boy appreciated how stunning she was.

“Sure! But how can I climb down? My hair is the only way down.”

“I will bring you a mirror each night until we build a staircase,” Flynn said as he turned on the

smolder by raising his eyebrows, lowering his lids, and puckering his lips just slightly. Rapunzel

giggled and they arranged for him to come back every night when Gothel was gone.

However, Gothel did not realize what was happening until it was much too late. Rapunzel had

become Flynn’s main squeeze and they were spending evening after evening together, admiring

Rapunzel’s looks and talking of pointless gossip from the local high school. One day, as evening

was approaching, Gothel did not make her usual comment about Rapunzel’s beauty as she

prepared to leave. She glared at her and said, “Dude, why don’t you compliment me as much as

Flynn?”

Gothel grabbed Rapunzel by the arm and jerked her against her body. “Who is this Flynn?”

Rapunzel, realizing her error, stayed silent. “I removed your beauty from the world so no one else

could have you but you threw that away, you ungrateful airhead! I will teach you to never defy me

again,” she bellowed.

In her anger, Gothel pushed Rapunzel to the floor and she crashed into one of the mirrored walls.

Tears sprang to her eyes as she felt her exquisiteness seep from her. Gothl crouched down, breath

smelling of the falafel she bought from the cart around the corner, and took hold of a mirror shard.
In a swift motion, she sliced Rapunzel’s hair at her shoulders and it dropped to the ground. She

shrieked and pushed her away. Gothel punched her three times, once on each eye and once on

her jaw.

Having arrived a little early out of excitement to see his baby girl, Flynn heard sounds of the

struggle, even over the ambulance sirens that streaked past. His eyes grew wide as he saw

Rapunzel’s window shatter from her body being flung out of it. She splattered onto the ground, a

moan escaping her lips before she breathed no more.

“Bae!” he cried. “You are no longer a ten.”

They did not live happily ever after.