New Member’s Introduction to DBT

References:
Personal DBT Skills Group notes 11/25/08, 12/2/08
David Burns, M.D., Adapted from “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy”
Skills Training Manual page 107
Alec L. Miller, Jill H, Rathus, Marsha M. Linehan, “Dialectical Behavioral Therapy with
Suicidal Adolescents”, pages 311 and 312

As many of you know, DBT was originally developed for the treatment of people who
experience emotion dysregulation. This (emotion dysregulation) entails being highly
sensitive (which can be a gift if you know how to channel it!), highly reactive and slow return
to baseline. DBT is based on a Bio-social model. Individuals have a biological predisposition
to emotional dysregulation. Then, socially there is a poor fit between the family environment
and the emotionally dysregulated individual. This “poor fit” is evidenced by an invalidating
/inconsistent environment. This leads us to having difficulty tolerating stress, poor
communication skills, etc. We don’t trust our own judgment, have low self-esteem, identity
crisis and don’t know how to self-sooth. Everything is mood driven – the moment is what
counts, NOT the overall goal. We never learned that “Thoughts are not facts, emotions are
not facts”.

Some characteristics of an invalidating environment include:

a) Not taken as accurate when describing their private experiences
b) Not taken as valid response to events
c) Punished, trivialized, dismissed, disregarded
d) Erratic, inconsistent, inappropriate responses.

The child is told s/he is over- reacting. The child goes from inhibiting to exploding; from
stuffing to being out there and getting angry.

In failing to validate private experiences, the environment does not teach the child to:
a) Label private experiences (including emotions) in a manner normative in large social
communities for the same or similar experiences.
b) Effectively regulate emotions.
c) Trust emotional and cognitive experiences as valid response to events. Instead the
child learns to actively invalidate experiences and search social environments for clues
as to how to feel, think and act, in a given situation.

DISTORTED THINKING

1. All or nothing thinking: You look at things in absolute, black-and–white

categories.
2. Overgeneralization: You view a negative event as a never-ending pattern of
defeat.
3. Mental Filter: You dwell on the negatives and ignore the positives.
4. Discounting the positives: you insist that your accomplishments or positive
qualities don’t count.
5. Jumping to conclusion: You conclude things are bad with out any definitive
evidence.
i. Mind reading: You assume that people are reacting negatively to you.
 ii. Fortune telling: You predict that things will turn out badly.
6. Magnification or minimization: You blow things way out of proportion or
you shrink their importance.
7. Emotional reasoning: You reason from how you feel: “I feel like an idiot, so I
must be one.”
8. “Should” statements: You criticize your self or other people with “shoulds”
“shouldn’ts,” “musts,” “oughts,” and “have-tos.”
9. Labeling: Instead of saying, “I made a mistake,” you tell yourself, “I’m a
jerk” or “a loser.”
10. Blame: You blame yourself for something you weren’t entirely responsible
for, or you blame other people and overlook ways that you contributed to a
problem.

The Goals of Skills Training.

General Goal: To learn and refine skills in changing behavioral, emotional and thinking
patterns associated with problems in living, those causing misery and distress. In summary, to
develop a life worth living.

Specific Goals
Behaviors to decrease
1. Interpersonal chaos
2. Labile emotions, moods
3. Impulsiveness
4. Confusion about self, cognitive dysregulation
Behaviors to Increase
1. Interpersonal Effectiveness skills
2. Emotion regulation skills
3. Distress tolerance skills
4. Core Mindfulness skills

Dialectics: What is it?

Dialectics teach us that:

 There is always more than one-way to see a situation, and more
than one way to solve a problem.
 All people have unique qualities and different points of view.
 It is important not to see the world in “black–and-white,” “all-or-
nothing” ways.
 Two things that seem like (or are) opposites can both be true.
 Change is the only constant.
 Meaning and truth evolve over time.
 Change is transactional.

Acceptance
AND
Acceptance -- Change = --Change
 Middle path

Examples:
- You are doing the best you can, and you need to do better, try harder, and be more
motivated to change.
- You are tough and you are gentle.
- Balancing reward with punishment.

This perspective helps pave the way toward the middle path by helping you:
 Expand your thoughts and ways or considering life situations
 “Unstick” standoffs and conflicts.
 Be more flexible and approachable.
 Avoid assumptions and blaming.

Validation: What is it?

Validation communicates to another person that his or her feelings, thoughts and actions make
sense and are understandable to you in a particular situation.

Self-validation involves perceiving your own feelings, thoughts and actions as accurate and
acceptable in a particular situation.

Remember: Validation does not = Agreement

Validation does not necessarily mean that you like or agree with what the other person is
doing, saying, or feeling. It means you understand where the other person is coming from.

WHAT should we validate?

Feelings, thoughts and behaviors in:
ourselves
other people

WHY should we validate?

It improves relationships!
Validation can show that:
We are listening.
We understand.
We are being nonjudgmental.
We care about the relationship.
Conflict is possible with decreased intensity.

Validation
A “How To” Guide to verbal and Nonverbal Validation
How can we validate others?

1. Actively Listen. Make eye contact and stay focused.

 2. Be mindful of both nonverbal and verbal reactions in order to avoid invalidation (e.g.,
rolling eyes; sucking teeth; walking away; saying, “That’s stupid,” “Don’t be sad,” or
“I don’t care what you say”).

3. Observe what the other person is feeling in the moment. Look for a word that
describes the feeling.

4. Reflect the feeling back without judgment. The goal is to communicate that you
under-stand how the other person feels (e.g., “It makes sense that you’re angry,” “I
Understand that you are having a rough time right now”) (for self, “I have the right to
feel sad”).

5. Show tolerance! Look for how the feelings, thoughts and actions make sense, given
the other person’s (or your) history and current situation, even if you don’t approve of
the behaviors, emotions, or actions themselves.

6. Respond in a way that shows you are taking the other person seriously (with or
without words). If someone is crying, give a tissue or a hug. If someone is presenting
a problem, start problem solving immediately (unless the person wishes merely to be
heard).

Homework:
Take a few minutes and read/absorb the above.

LESSON C: RECOGNIZING PROBLEMATIC THINKING

PATTERNS/ COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS PART 2

RESOURCES: Borderline Personality for Dummies by Elliott and

Smith
Thoughts and Feelings by McKay, Davis and Fanning
Eating Mindfully by Albers

RECOGNIZING PROBLEMATIC THINKING PATTERS PART 2

Here are some more examples of cognitive distortions.

JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS
These are assumptions that are made without any concrete evidence to support
them. You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts
that convincingly support your conclusion. You arbitrarily conclude that somebody
is reacting negatively to you and you don’t bother to check this out. You posted
your DBT homework and there is no feedback the next day, so you jump to the
conclusion that the moderator hated your homework. Jumping to conclusions is
the opposite of benign interpretation (being able to see more than one side to a
situation).

WORKSHEET FOR JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS

Describe an example where you “jumped to a conclusion.

________________________________________________________________________
___

How else can the other persons response/lack of response be interpreted?

________________________________________________________________________
___

MIND READING
When you mind read, you make snap judgments about others. For example when
you mind read, you assume that others are thinking in judgmental and disapproving
ways about you. These assumptions can lead to all sorts of difficulties such as
social anxiety and relationship ruptures. You assume you know how others are
feeling and what motivates them: ‘He’s just acting that way because he’s
jealous’, ‘She’s only interested in your money,’ ‘He’s afraid to show he cares.’

If your brother visit’s a new woman acquaintance three times in one week, you
might conclude that he is (a) in love, (b) angry at his old girlfriend and hoping
she’ll find out, (c) depressed and on the rebound, or (d) afraid of being alone
again. Without asking, you have no way of knowing which is true. Mind reading
makes one conclusion seem so obviously correct that you assume it’s true, act on it
in some ineffective way, and get into trouble.

As a mind reader, you also make assumptions about how people are reacting to
you. You might assume what your boyfriend is thinking and say to yourself, ‘When
we are this close he sees how unattractive I am’. If he is mind reading too, he may
be saying to himself, ‘She thinks I’m really immature’. You may have a casual
encounter with your supervisor at work and come away thinking, ‘He is buttering
me up just to fire me later’. These assumptions are born of intuition, hunches,
vague misgivings, or a couple of past experiences gone awry. They are untested
and improvable, unless you ask for clarification, but you believe them nonetheless.

Mind reading depends on a process called projection. You imagine that people feel
the same way you do and react to things the same way you do. Therefore, you
don’t watch or listen closely enough to notice that they are actually different. If
you get angry when someone is late, you imagine everyone gets angry when
someone is late. If you feel excruciating sensitive to rejections, you expect that
most people feel the same. If you are very judgmental about particular habits and
traits, you assume others share your beliefs.

For example, imagine you go to a party with a friend and you don’t know anyone
there. Some people talk to you but then move on to talk to other people they
seem to know. You are on your own for a time and notice other people glancing at
you. You assume that they’re thinking, ‘who is she?’, ‘who invited her?’ ‘what in
the world is she doing here?’
WORKSHEET FOR RESISTING MIND READING

Name a mind reading assumption of yours.

________________________________________________________________________
___

What are some alternative explanations for my assumptions?

________________________________________________________________________
___

Is it possible that my mind reading may be wrong?

________________________________________________________________________
___

What can I do to test out my mind-reading and gather more information?

________________________________________________________________________
___

FORTUNE TELLER ERROR

With fortune-telling you make predictions about the future and firmly believe that
your prophetic visions are correct. These consist of superstitious beliefs that seem
to hold special powers. You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel
convinced that your prediction is an already established fact. The trouble is that
many of your predictions are likely to be negative and may stop you from taking
goal-directed action.

One might want to approach their boss for a pay raise but predict that he’ll say
‘no’ and be unpleasant about it. If you listen to your fortune-telling thoughts, you
might never just take your chances and ask!

WORKSHEET FOR FORTUNE TELLING

My fortune telling prediction:
_____________________________________________________________________

How can I test out my prediction?

____________________________________________________________________

What can I gain by taking a risk/action despite my negative prediction?

_____________________________________________________________________

What events from my past may be influencing the way I expect this future event to
unfold?
_____________________________________________________________________

What action can I take to help myself adjust to an unfavorable outcome? What
steps can I take to try and resolve potential problems?
____________________________________________________________________
MAGNIFICATION/MINIMAZATION
When you magnify, you emphasize things out of proportion to their actual
importance. Small mistakes become tragic failures. Minor suggestions become
scathing criticism. A slight backache becomes a ruptured disk. Minor setbacks
become cause for despair. Slight obstacles become overwhelming barriers.

Words like ‘huge’, ‘impossible’, and ‘overwhelming’ are magnifying terms. This
pattern creates a tone of dome and hysterical pessimism.

The flip side of magnifying is minimizing. When you magnify you view everything
negative and difficult in your life through a telescope that enlarges your problems.
If you are feeling really up, you could also magnify positives. (He said “’Hi’ to me,
so he must be in love with me”). However, when magnify/minimize your assets,
such as your ability to cope and find wisemind (more on wise mind in a few weeks
when we learn about Core Mindfulness skills) solutions, you look through the wrong
end of the telescope so that everything is minimized, or through a microscope
where everything is enlarged.

WORKSHEET FRO MAGNIFICATION/MINIMIZATION

Is what I’m experiencing really intolerable and unbearable?

____________________________________________________________________

Is what I’m experiencing really just difficult to tolerate or to bear?

____________________________________________________________________

What are some of the reasons that make bearing this disappointment worthwhile?
____________________________________________________________________

What evidence exists to support the idea that I can tolerate this discomfort?
____________________________________________________________________

What other things worth doing can I push myself to do, even if they’re
uncomfortable or unpleasant?
________________________________________________________________________
__

How can I check out if what I am feeling is the “same size” as warranted/reality?
________________________________________________________________________
__

CATASTROPHIZING
Catastrophic thoughts often start with the words what if. It is when you take a
relatively minor event and imagine all sorts of terrors and nightmare scenarios
resulting from it. Another way of describing this thinking error is ‘making a
mountain out of a molehill’.
If you ‘catastrophize’ a small leak in the sailboat means it surely will sink. A
contractor’s whose estimate gets underbid concludes he’ll never get another job.
A headache suggests that brain cancer is looming. Imagine that you say something
to offend your future mother-in-law. From this you conclude that she’ll turn your
fiance against you, the wedding will be off, your parents will be mortified, and
nobody will ever want to go out with you again. You read a newspaper article
describing a tragedy or hear gossip about some disaster befalling an acquaintance,
and you start wondering, ‘What if it happens to me?’, ‘What if I break my leg
skiing?’, ‘What if they hijack my plane?’, ‘What if I get sick and have to go on
disability?’, ‘What if my son starts taking drugs?’ The list is endless. There are no
limits to a really fertile catastrophic imagination.

WORKSHEET FOR CATASTROPHIZING

What, if any, hard evidence supports my conclusions?

_____________________________________________________________________

What, if any hard evidence disproves my conclusions?

_____________________________________________________________________

Can I adopt a more accurate/realistic perspective on the event?

_____________________________________________________________________

What are some less terrible conclusions I can make about the event?
_____________________________________________________________________

What practical steps can I take to deal with the situation?

_____________________________________________________________________

DBT LESSON D COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS PART 3

RESOURCES: Borderline Personality for Dummies by Elliott and Smith

Thoughts and Feelings by McKay, Davis, and Fanning
Eating mindfully by Albers

As we continue with recognizing problematic thinking patterns – Cognitive

Distortions Part 3, here are some more types of thinking. Remember that
awareness is the key to change!

EMOTIONAL REASONING

Emotional reasoning is when you decide that your strong feelings are a true
reflection of what is actually going on in reality. You assume that your negative
emotions necessarily reflect the way things are: ‘I feel, therefore it must be true’.
You may then fail to take in other information that contradicts your feelings.

You feel very jealous about your partner’s attention to another person. Because
you feel so jealous, you may assume that your partner is definitely having an affair.
Or if you wake up in the morning feeling very anxious, you may assume that there
must be something to be afraid of and look for a reason to be worried.

If emotional reasoning is one of your personal thinking errors, practice looking

beyond your feelings towards other interpretations of the event/situation.
Consciously and deliberately put your feelings to one side and use your observation
skills (from the Core Mindfulness Module) to take in the reality of the situation.
Your feelings are more likely to reflect your thoughts about what an event means
to you than to reliably describe what is actually going on.

WORKSHEET FOR EMOTIONAL REASONING

What is the event or situation?

_____________________________________________________________________

What emotion am I experiencing?

_____________________________________________________________________

How might my feelings be leading me to distort the facts?

_____________________________________________________________________

What facts may I be ignoring because of my strong feelings?

____________________________________________________________________

If I give myself time for my feelings to subside before drawing conclusions, how do
I view the situation when I’m feeling calmer, i.e. in Wise Mind?
____________________________________________________________________

‘SHOULD’ STATEMENTS

In this pattern, you operate from a list of inflexible rules about how you and other
people “should” act. The rules are right and indisputable. Any deviation from your
particular values or standards is bad. As a result, you are often judging others or
yourself, and finding fault. People irritate you. They don’t act correctly and they
don’t think correctly. They have unacceptable traits, habits, and opinions that
make them hard to tolerate. They should know the rules, and they should follow
them.

Cue words indicating the presence of this pattern are a ‘should’, ‘ought’, or ‘must’
in your thoughts. In fact Albert Ellis in 1961 dubbed this thinking pattern
‘musterbation’.

Your “should’s” are just as hard on you as they are on other people. You feel
compelled to be or act in a certain way, but you never ask objectively if it really
makes sense. Psychiatrist Karen Homey in 1939 called this the ‘tyranny of
shoulds.’

One woman felt that her husband should want to take on Sunday drive. She
decided that a man who loves his wife ought to take her to the country and then
out to eat in a nice place. The fact that he didn’t want to meant that he ‘only
thought about himself and does not love me’

Some of the most common and unreasonable shoulds are:

*I/they should be the perfect lover, friend, parent, teacher, student, spouse, etc.
*I/they should be able to endure any hardship with equanimity.
*I/they should never feel hurt; I should always be happy and serene.
*I/they should know, understand, and foresee everything.
*I/they should never feel certain emotions, such as anger or jealousy.
*I/they should never make mistakes.

WORKSHEET FOR THE “SHOULDS”

What are your favorite “should”?

What is a benign interpretation of this Should?

What are some challenge statements for your “shoulds”?

________________________________________________________________________
___

LABELING AND MISLABELING

This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your thinking

error, you attach a negative label to yourself, i.e. ‘I’m a loser’. If someone else’s
behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him/her, ‘He’s a
louse.’ Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly
colored and emotionally loaded.

When you call yourself, other people, and the world nasty names, you are in the
labeling and rating club--and it is an ugly place to be. If you call yourself ‘useless’
every time you screw up, or the world ‘cruel’ every time it deals you a blow, or
others ‘no good’ when you are treated impolitely, then you are in danger of
feeling “bad” about yourself and a lot of other really toxic emotions.

Your friend has recently had a bereavement. You don’t go to visit her on Friday
night because you have prior plans. When you next speak to her she sounds very
low and a bit annoyed with you for failing to visit. You the label yourself as totally
selfish and a bad friend because you didn’t put her needs first on Friday night.
WORKSHEET FOR LABELING AND MISLABELING

Label(s) I apply to myself or others:________________________________________

Am I being accurate/fair when I apply this label?

____________________________________________________________________

Am I allowing for varying degrees of goodness or badness in myself, others or the

world?
___________________________________________________________________

What are some other more complex aspects of this person, myself, or the situation
that I may be overlooking when I apply a label?
___________________________________________________________________

Is it possible for me to label the specific action or event instead of the whole
person, myself, or the world?
___________________________________________________________________

PERSONALIZATION

Personalizing involves taking random events and making them a personal issue.
You tend to make everything that happens around you about you, even if reality
indicates otherwise. This tendency can lead you to assume inappropriate
responsibility for events and/or to feel unhealthy emotions in response to events
that have little or nothing to do with you.

There are two kinds of personalization. The first kind involves directly comparing
yourself with other people: ‘He plays piano so much better than I do,’ ‘I’m not
smart enough to go with this crowd.’ ‘She knows herself a lot better than I do,’ ‘He
feels things so deeply while I’m dead inside,’ ‘I’m the slowest person in the office.’
Sometimes the comparison is actually favorable to you: ‘He’s dumb (and I’m
smart),’ ‘I’m better looking than she is’. the opportunities for comparison never
end. Even when the comparison is favorable, the underlying assumption is that
your worth is questionable. Consequently you must continue to test your value,
constantly measuring yourself against others. If you come out better, you have a
moment’s relief. If you come up short, you feel diminished.

You plan a barbecue and invite your neighbors. Unfortunately, a freak

thunderstorm rolls in just as the burgers are on the grill. Several women rush
home because their clothes are wet. One couple starts arguing. In the end the
remaining guests and your family sit down to potato salad in your kitchen while the
barbecue grill gently smolders. You think that the weather is out to get you, the
women are holding you to blame for their ruined outfits, and clearly your aborted
barbecue has resulted in the impending divorce of the arguing couple.

WORKSHEET FOR PERSONALIZATION

What else has contributed to the outcome of the situation other than you?
_____________________________________________________________________

Are you taking personal responsibility for things that are not within your control?
____________________________________________________________________

What are some additional reasons that may account for the way people around you
are responding?
____________________________________________________________________

Are you really the only person affected by specific events and conditions or are
others affected too?
_____________________________________________________________________

Is what happened really all about you? What is another interpretation?

_____________________________________________________________________

DBT LESSON E COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS PART 4

Now we will explore what to do about cognitive distortions/problematic thinking

patters, for as we said, awareness is the key to change.

WHAT ARE YOUR PERSONAL PROBLEMATIC THINKING PATTERNS All

humans occasionally have cognitive distortion/think erroneously. Chances are that
you make some thinking mistakes more often than others. If you make a list of the
errors described in Lessons A - D that you tend to make most, you can increase your
chances of catching yourself in the act. The sooner you notice faulty thinking, the
sooner you can strive to correct it.

WORKSHEET MY MAIN THINKING ERRORS

All or Nothing Thinking:

Overgeneralization:

Mental Filtering:

Disqualifying the Positive:

Jumping to Conclusions:

Mind Reading:

Fortune Telling Error:

Magnification/Minimalzation:

Catastrophizing:

Emotional Reasoning:

“Should” Statements:

Labeling and Mislabeling:

Personalization:

KNOWING WHERE AND WHEN YOU THINK YOUR WAY TO TROUBLE

After looking at the main thinking errors and listing the ones that you tend to make
the most often you can use the worksheet below to chart and correct them. You
will find that certain situations give rise to your thinking errors. We call these
triggers. Coming to grips with your personal triggers and your problematic thinking
patterns can help you to readjust your thinking and increase your chances of
feeling healthy negative emotions.

WORKSHEET MY THOUGHT CORRECTION SHEET______________

Thinking Error Thinking Corrections New Outcome

(List the types of (Record an alternative (How do I feel and act
Thinking errors I way of thinking for each differently after
Made) error) correcting my thinking)

THOUGHT JOURNALS

Now that you have learned to identify limited thinking patterns, it’s time to apply
your new skill to a thought journal. You have space to state the situation and how
you feel about it, as well as rating that emotion. Then write the automatic
thoughts you were thinking just before and during the situation. After doing that,
decide which limited thinking pattern/cognitive distortion that it is. Write an
alternative or balancing thought and then re-rate you feelings.

Start by analyzing your most distressing automatic thoughts to see which limited
thinking patter each one fits best. You may find evidence of more than one limited
thinking/cognitive distortion pattern, so write down all that apply.

In the next column, rewrite your automatic thoughts in a more balanced way, or
compose an alternative thought that refutes the automatic thought. You can refer
to Middle Path Handout 1, for help in countering the limited thinking patterns.

In the last column, re-rate your bad feeling now that you have worked on your
automatic thoughts. The feeling should be less intense after this work.

THOUGHT JOURNAL

SITUATION FEELINGS RATE AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS LIMITED-THINKING BALANCING RE-

RATE
When? One word 0-100 What you were thinking PATTERNS OR
FEELINGS
Where? Summaries just before and during ALTERNATIVE
0-100
Who? the unpleasant feeling Circle possible
What Action Plans
Happened

______________________________________________________________________________________
____

ACTION PLANS

Your balancing or alternative thoughts may suggest actions you can take, such as
checking out assumptions, gathering information, making an assertive request,
clearing up misunderstandings, making plans, changing your schedule, resolving
unfinished business, or making commitments. Circle those items and plan when
you will put them into action.

It may be difficult, time consuming, or embarrassing to follow your action plan.

You may need to break your plan down into a series of easier steps and schedule
each step. But it’s worth doing. Behavior that is inspired by your balancing or
alternative thoughts will greatly reduce the frequency and power of your negative
automatic thoughts.

Continue for a week with your Thought Journal, denitrifying your automatic
thoughts and analyzing them for limited thinking patterns. After one week you
should be adept at recognizing your habitual patterns of limited thinking patterns.
You will begin to notice your automatic thoughts popping up in stressful situations.
Eventually you will recognize Cognitive distortions/limited thinking patterns in real
life and correct them with balancing or alternative thought as you go.

HOMEWORK: Describe your Thought Journal.

DBT LESSON B : RECOGNIZING PROBLEMATIC THINKING

PATTERNS/COGNITIVE
DISTORTIONS

RESOURCES: Borderline Personality for Dummies by Elliott and Smith

Thoughts and Feelings by McKay, Davis and Fanning
Eating mindfully by Albers

We all jump to conclusions, make a crisis out of nothing, or take events personally
from time to time. Thinking in unhelpful ways is a pretty normal human thing to
do. In fact thinking errors are so common that clinicians and researchers have
been able to sort them into clear categories. However common doesn’t mean
harmless. The way you think has a definite impact on how you end up feeling. So
if you often think in unhealthy ways then you are more likely to experience
emotional problems.

Problematic thinking is like looking into a fun house mirror. Because of a flaw in
the glass, the mirror can’t reflect a true image. The way the mirror is distorted
makes it impossible to see what you really look like. People with borderline
personality and other disorders are plagued with distorted, problematic thinking
patterns that are similar to the distortions of fun house mirrors. The way
problematic thinking works make it impossible to evaluate situations wisely. The
consequences of this is that it unconsciously affects your thinking and perception.
Identifying the presence of these distorted thoughts in your head is the first step
toward taking away their power.
Problematic thinkers tend to get stuck in extreme thinking patterns. It’s similar to
getting your car stuck in the mud. The more you turn the wheel in the same way,
the deeper the car will sink. When closely examined, the logic of problematic
thinking is often influenced by skewed perceptions, over and over again. In
contrast, those who follow the Core Mindfulness way of thinking moderate thoughts
that are in the moment, observant, nonjudgmental, and accepting.

Some of the most common ineffective thinking mistakes human beings tend to
make are discussed in this lesson. You probably don’t regularly make all of these
thinking errors, but to help you better understand them, you might want to think in
the ways described in the examples given. If you identify with a particular thinking
error/cognitive distortion, then you will probably benefit from doing the
corresponding worksheet/questions. So, there’s no need for you to complete every
worksheet unless you think it applies to you.

ALL or NOTHING THINKING

All or nothing thinking is also called ‘black or white’ thinking. It involves assuming
that a situation is entirely good or entirely bad, leaving no in-between or gray
areas. You insist on “either/or” choices, perceiving everything at the extremes
with very little room for a middle ground. People and things are good or bad,
wonderful or horrible, delightful or intolerable. Since your interpretations are
extreme, your emotional reactions are extreme, fluctuating from despair to elation
to rage to ecstasy to terror. You see negative events as indicative of some negative
characteristics of yourself or you take responsibility for events that were not your
doing. The greatest danger in polarized thinking is its impact on how you judge
yourself. You could believe that if you aren’t perfect or brilliant, then you must be
a failure or an imbecile. There’s no room for mistakes or mediocrity.

For example, a charter bus driver told himself he was a real loser when he took the
wrong freeway exit and had to drive two miles out of his way. One mistake meant
that he was incompetent and worthless. A single mother with three children was
determined to be strong and “in charge”. The moment she felt tired or nervous,
she began thinking of herself as weak and falling apart, and she often criticized
herself in conversations with friends. A man went to a job interview and answered
one question poorly, he then decided that the entire interview was a complete
wash out based on the one hiccup.

WORKSHEET FOR THINKING BETWEEN EXTREMES:

Am I focusing on only one aspect of the overall event?

___________________________________________________________________

Am I giving one aspect of the event too much importance?

___________________________________________________________________

What is a fair and accurate rating to give this aspect of the event on a scale of one
to ten?
____________________________________________________________________
What are some other aspects of the even that can help me to view things more
realistically?
_____________________________________________________________________

Taking all aspects of the event into account, what is a more balanced rating to give
the event on a scale of one to ten?

OVERGENRALIZATION

Do you find yourself thinking in terms of ‘never’ or ‘always’? As in ‘things never go

my way’ or ‘I always screw up important meetings?’ Perhaps you think in global
terms like ‘people’ can’t be trusted’ or ‘the world is unfair’? Maybe you conclude
that you are a totally bad parent, partner, employee, or whatever based on one or
more of your actions. If so you are probably over-generalizing and making
widespread judgments about yourself, others, or the world on the strength of one
or two particular features. In this pattern you make a broad, general conclusion
based on a single incident or piece of evidence. One dropped stitch leads you to
conclude, ‘I’ll never learn how to knit.’ You interpret a rejection on the dance
floor as, ‘Nobody would ever want to dance with me.’

This tendency is also called making the part/whole error; that is, you judge the
whole based on one or more of its parts. Doing so can lead you to make some
pretty rash and harsh judgments and to hold a pretty unforgiving attitude. This
pattern can lead to an increasing restricted life. If you got sick on a train once, you
decide never to take a train again. If you got dizzy on a sixth-floor balcony, you
never go out there again. If you felt anxious the last time your husband took a
business trip, you’ll be a wreck every time he leaves town. One bad experience
means that whenever you’re in a similar situation you will repeat the bad
experience.

Overgeneralizations are often couched in the form of absolute statements, as if

there were some immutable law that governs and limits your chances for
happiness. Some of the cue words that indicate that you may be over generalizing
are ‘all’, ‘every’, ‘none’, ‘never’, ‘always’, ‘everybody’, and ‘nobody’. For
example, you are over-generalizing when you absolutely conclude: ‘Nobody loves
me’, ‘I’ll never be able to trust anyone again’, ‘I’ll always be sad’, I’ve always had
lousy jobs’, ‘No one would stay friends with me if they really knew me.’

Another hallmark of overgeneralization is the global label for persons, places, and
things you don’t like: Somebody who refused to give you a ride home is labeled a
‘total jerk’. A quiet guy on a date is a ‘dull clam’. Democrats are ‘knee-jerk
liberals.’ New York City is ‘hell on earth’. Television is an ‘evil, corrupting
influence.’ ‘You’re ‘stupid’ and ‘totally wasting your life.’

Each of these labels may contain a grain of truth, but it generalizes that grain into
a global judgment. The over generalized label ignores all contrary evidence,
making your view of the world stereotyped and one-dimensional.

It’s easy to allow a few bad things to cloud your judgment about an overall event
or situation. Instead of deciding that something is all bad because of a few
hiccups, try reminding yourself to keep the good stuff in sight.

WORKSHEET FOR OVER-GENERALIZED THINKING

What is the specific thing I am basing my judgments on?

___________________________________________________________________

Am I making a total judgment of myself, others, or a situation based on this one

specific aspect or situation?
___________________________________________________________________

What other aspects of myself, others, or the situation am I ignoring?

__________________________________________________________________

Can I suspend total judgment and instead judge only the specific aspect of myself,
others, or the situation?
__________________________________________________________________

How might I benefit from being more specific in my judgment?

__________________________________________________________________

MENTAL FILTERING

With mental filtering you only let information through that fits with what you
already believe about yourself, others or the world. This pattern is characterized
by a sort of tunnel vision--looking at only one element of a situation to the
exclusion of everything else. A single detail is picked out, and the whole event or
situation is colored by this detail. For example, a computer draftsman who was
uncomfortable with criticism was praised for the quality of his recent detail
drawings and asked if she could get the next job out a little more quickly. She
went home depressed, having decided that his employer thought she was dawdling.
she filtered out the praise and focused only on the criticism. If you think of
yourself as a failure, you only process information that points to you failing; if you
believe that your boss is a jerk, you only see evidence to support that view; and if
you think the world is unsafe, then you only acknowledge scary and dangerous news
about the world. This filtering process can lead you to have a very biased and
negative view of yourself and your environment.

Each person looks through his or her own particular tunnel. Depressed people are
hypersensitive to loss and blind to gain. For anxious people, the slightest
possibility of danger sticks out like a barb in a scene that might otherwise be safe
and secure. People who experience chronic anger look through a tunnel that
highlights evidence of injustice and screens out fairness and equity.

Memory can also be very selective. You may remember only certain kinds of events
from your entire history and stock of experience. When you filter your memories,
you often pass over positive experiences and dwell only one the memories that
characteristically leave you angry, anxious, or depressed.
The filtering pattern ‘awfulizes’ your thoughts by pulling negative events out of
context and magnifying them, while ignoring all your good experiences. Your
fears, losses, and irritations become exaggerated in important because they fill
your awareness to the exclusion of everything else. Key words for the filtering
pattern are terrible, disgusting, scary, horrendous, and so on. A key phrase is “I
can’t stand it’

WORKSHEET FOR MENTAL FILTERING

What is my particular filter?

_____________________________________________________________________

What information is my filter stopping me from considering?

____________________________________________________________________

How might I think and behave if I were to remove my filter?

____________________________________________________________________

DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE

Disqualifying the positive is very similar to mental filtering. Imagine, for example,
that you believe that you are unlikable and unacceptable socially. Your mental
filter only lets you notice information that supports your negative self-opinion. If
any positive information does sneak through your filter, you quickly discredit or
disqualify it and throw it back out. With this pattern you ignore important
information, you put on blinders to the positive experiences by insisting that they
‘don’t count’ for some reason or another. In this way, you can maintain a negative
belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

For example, you believe that you are fundamentally unlikable. Someone asks you
to go for a drink after work. Instead of seeing the invitation as evidence against
your idea that you are unlikable, you may think that they are only asking you
because nobody else was available or because they feel sorry for you.

WORKSHEET FOR DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE

How do I respond to positive cues from others and my environment?

_________________________________________________________________

Do I acknowledge positive feedback and respond to it?

_________________________________________________________________

What positive information and experiences can I write down? (I can look at my
positive data log when I find myself thinking negatively.)
__________________________________________________________________

How can I practice taking a compliment graciously?

___________________________________________________________________
How will acknowledging positive information from others help me?
___________________________________________________________________

HOMEWORK: Write out and share with the class what self knowledge you gained
from doing the one or two of the exercises above.

Page 1 Lesson IE7. BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS AND ENDING DESTRUCTIVE ONES

Having spent some time considering ways of getting what we want from Interpersonal
Relationships, we turn to the next section in the Module, - Building Relationships and Trust
With Other People, and Ending Relationships That Are Destructive, Hopeless, or Unwanted.
There are three main areas to investigate: A. Finding Friends and Getting Them to Like You
Forming friendships is the first step in reducing interpersonal isolation and loneliness. In this
section are some basic principles in finding people and developing friendships—including the
ideas of � Proximity and Similarity, � Skills in Starting and Maintaining a conversation, �
Expressing Liking, � and Joining Groups. B. Mindfulness of Others Friendships last longer
when we are Mindful of others. This skill includes : � Observing and Paying Attention to
Others, � Describing what is observed, rather than judging it, � and Participating in the
Flow of Interactions. The skill of Mindfulness of Others is an extension of the Relationship
Effectiveness skills (GIVE) taught earlier in this module. C. Ending Destructive, Hopeless, or
Unwanted Relationships Sometimes relationships must be ended. This can be the case when
there is little hope of improving a relationship, the relationship is abusive, or it interferes with
very important lifetime priorities. These skills focus on how to end such relationships
effectively. Page 2 A. Finding Friends and Getting Them to Like You Finding people and
getting them to like us often requires us to put in an active effort. It usually does not happen
by itself. To be successful, we have to know where and how to look. What's the point in
looking for friends? Finding people and getting them to like you is the first step in decreasing
isolation and loneliness. It is also important whenever you move to a new location, take a new
job, or join a new group We are all isolated and lonely at different times. It often comes with
Borderline. Between the stigma, the lack of public understanding about the disorder, and other
associated behaviours – BPD can feel isolating. Or we might be in the middle joining a new
course at a new Uni, or moving house, for instance. Loneliness can be quite damaging, so
helping people to like you and making friends is a necessity, to break into those difficult
feelings. 1. Friends Are Essential for Happiness There is a common Myth, that “needing”
friends and relationships means being emotionally dependent and that we should be able to be
happy, alone. This Myth flies in the face of almost everything we know about human
happiness. Although there are indeed some people who are happy with lives of solitude, for
most humans all over the world, intimate and supportive relationships with others are an
essential aspect of happiness. Maybe friendship can't begin until someone chooses you. But...
that doesn't mean you don't get to make a choice too. You can't do that...unless you know who
they are. And they can't choose you...until they know who you are.” ― Miyoshi Toumori (桃
森ミヨシ) Skills for Finding Potential Friends Page 3 2. All Human Beings Are Lovable by
Someone Every person is absolutely lovable. They may not agree, but it is true. We are all
members of the human race, we are designed to live in groups and to be loved. If you think
about people who have done the worst things possible, they had lovers and friends. Often
people put into prison for horrible murders make friends in prison, or have people outside the
jail walls, who will befriend them through letters and phone conversations. So, everyone is
capable of receiving and sharing in the experiences of having a friend. What are friends? For
some people, making friends is very easy and seemingly effortless. For others, it can take a lot
of work and a long time. Some people have lots of friends to do things with; others have only
one or two very good friends. Some people have lots of acquaintances but few good friends;
others have a few good friends but very few acquaintances. Geoffrey Grief identifies four
categories of friendships: MUST FRIEND : a best friend, a member of your inner circle, a
person you count on when something big happens in your life TRUST FRIEND: a friend who
shows integrity, someone you feel comfortable with, that you’re always glad to see, but not in
your inmost circle; perhaps someone you’d like to be closer to, if you had the time or
opportunity RUST FRIEND: a person you’ve known for a long, long time; you’re probably
not going to get any closer to that person, unless something changes, but a part of your life
JUST FRIENDS: a person you see — at a weekly game, at your child’s school — who is
enjoyable company, but you have no desire to socialise outside a specific context or to get to
know that person better Thinking Space What types of friends do you have at the moment and
what types of friends would they, themselves, like to have? Page 4 1. Proximity Favours
Friendship A space, where you are physically close to other people, is a useful place to look
for new friends. A first step in forming new relationships is to find opportunities to make
casual, bur regular, contact with people in your everyday environment. There are many ways
to do this. ▶ If you share an office with a lot of people, turn your desk to face the middle of
the room instead of the wall. ▶ Use elevators or the coffee machine when lots of other people
are also there. ▶ Go to parties when invited; stay after activities for a while to chat with others;
gravitate to where other people are. � Researchers say : Researchers at the University of
Leipzig found that students were more likely to become friends with people sitting next to
them than to others in a class, even when they were randomly assigned to their seats in the
classroom. There is now a large body of research that adds weight to these findings. It does
not seem to matter why people are brought together; in one study, it was because their names
began with the same letter of the alphabet. Similarity Tends to Increase Liking A second step
in making friends is to mix with people whose attitudes are similar to yours. When you
discover them, be sure to let them know that’s the case. It may be true occasionally that
‘opposites attract,’ but for most of us most of the time, it isn’t. Instead, birds of a feather have
a great tendency to flock together. Almost always we like those who share our attitudes to
issues like politics, lifestyle, morals, and so on. These attitudes are the ones that matter.
Groups based on characteristics (such as age or single parenthood) that are unrelated to these
attitudes are often only partly successful. ▪ A lot of people find many of their friends among
class-mates, members of groups or churches they join, and work colleagues. ▪ Take a class in
something you love - enthusiasm is contagious. Proximity and Similarity Page 5 ▪ Consider
getting a dog (a pet is also good for your heart) and show up every morning at your local dog
park. People love to chat about their pooches. ▪ Track down old high school or college pals
who live in your area, and see if old friendships can be resumed. ▪ Take a fresh look at your
neighbors, coworkers, classmates, fellow gym bunnies—the people you meet and greet on a
regular basis. If you've been standoffish, say hello. If you've traded hellos for months, engage
them in conversation. ▪ Online friendships - there are many opportunities to click into
friendships online. These can be very beneficial, but there are warnings attached. There are
lots of groups which share one interest, which might be something you care about. Social
Media is a way to share information with old friends and colleagues. However, always
remember that people are so easily not what they seem, so don't arrange meetings unless you
take someone with you, who can help you see Reality if need be. If you run into difficulties,
tell someone immediately including the people who run the group and the Police. You do not
have to read messages, and you can reject their "friendship" at any rime! � Research Point:
Similarity There is a lot of research showing that similarity increases attraction. Similarities
not only in attitudes, but also in personality traits, activities, age, education, ethnic
background, religion, socioeconomic status, and occupations, have each been shown to
increase attraction between people. Which means, , we seem to like people who remind us of
ourselves. The tendency to like those who are similar to us shows up very early in
development. For example, one study showed that children as young as 3 years old chose
puppets whose food preferences matched their own and also preferred to play with another
child who shared their toy preferences. � Research Point: Similarity versus Liking?
Similarity and Liking do not always go together, however, and similarity can sometimes
actually be threatening. For example, it has been found that if people who are similar to us
also have something unattractive about them (such as having been in prison or in a mental
hospital), we tend to like them less than we do people who are dissimilar, but have nothing
unattractive about them. In this case, the similarity is threatening; we worry that we might
turn out to be like those people. it does not really validate our view of the world, and suggests
that we too are vulnerable to the aspect that is unattractive. This is one reason why it can be
effective for people not to reveal personal problems very early in forming new relationships.
Skills in making conversation Page 6 Three behaviours are typical of people who are rated as
“good conversationalists”: � They ask plenty of questions; � they give “positive feedback"
(indicating that they have heard, understood, and appreciated what the other person says); �
and they carry their end of the conversation, Carrying one’s end of a conversation means
speaking roughly half of the time—not all the time, but also not so little that the other person
is under pressure to keep the conversation going. i. Ask and Respond to Questions There is a
thin line between asking questions skillfully and turning a conversation into an interrogation
session. If both speakers are skilled, the questions tend to be evenly balanced. Conversation 1
Person A: Do you know many people here? Person B: No, but I am a friend of Bill’s. Do you
know him? Person A: No, but I work with his sister, Susan. How do you know Bill. Person B:
We went to high school together. Are you a musician like Susan? Conversation 2 Person A:
Do you know many people here? Person B: No, I don't. Person A: Are you a friend of
Susan’s? Person B: Yes. Person A: How do you know her? Person B: We work together.
Points Note that one reason why the Conversation 1 seems altogether smoother and easier
(and results in greater liking) is that A and B are not only asking each other questions, but also
volunteering more information than is actually asked for, which quite naturally leads to more
questions. Thinking Space Read the following two conversations, and then decide which one
sounds like the better conversation. Page 7 ii . Make Small Talk Conversations do not have to
be deeply meaningful to be enjoyable. The value of “small talk” “chitechat” should not be
underestimated. Good conversationalists can participate actively in small talk. Students in one
experiment who were asked to get to know each other without using small talk found the task
impossible. They simply didn’t know where to begin. Jane Travis suggests the following
guide to prepare for making Small Talk: 1. Prepare - set off in a positive mood (listen to
upbeat music, get someone to tell you about your good qualities) 2. Stay clear of the alcohol
and drugs 3. Put your phone away 4. Focus on the people you are interested in 5. Be
approachable and open (smile, make eye contact) 6. Pay a gentle compliment (don't go Over
The Top) Here are some tips that should make finding a small talk topic less difficult: To
warm up your brain's Circuits of Friendliness, you could try one or more of these: � Recall
being with someone who cares about you. ( Remember when someone was friendly to you. ·
� Bring to mind a time when you were friendly to someone. ·( Get a sense of the posture,
movements, gestures, and facial expressions of a person you know who is naturally friendly. (
Relax your body into a feeling of friendliness: leaning forward a little, rather than back;
softening and opening your chest, face, and eyes; breathing goodwill in and out. Thinking
Space Think of conversations you have been involved in which are similar to Conversation 1
and 2. How comfortable were you in each and how did you feel toward the other person?
Page 8 1) Ask the other party or parties a lot of questions about themselves. Not only is this
the polite thing to do, it also helps move along the conversational ball. 2) Be sure to listen to
the responses to your questions. It would not do to ask a barrage of questions then not pay
attention to the replies of the other person. Plus, if you listen closely, the responses to your
questions may lead you to ask even more in-depth questions. 3) Ask questions that are
relevant to the other person - such as questions about their background, their family, any
friends you have in common, or what he may like to do. This opens up areas in his life that he
may have in common with you, posing an opportunity to bond. 4) Be well-read and well-
informed about a host of topics. You have heard it said that it pays to read a lot and it is true -
if you know a lot about different topics, you can easily conduct a conversation with people
from different backgrounds. It will not be so hard to find a small talk topic then. 5) Keep the
flow of the conversation on a casual level. You might panic if the conversation takes on a
very deep tone, such as when you are talking about politics or business, because then it
becomes harder to find common ground that you can agree on. Topics should be light,
hopefully cheerful, so that you will be able to bond better with the other party. 6) Avoid
controversial topics, like asking if the other person is gay. Controversial topics might only put
the other person on the defensive. Also, you and the other person might be on opposite sides
of the issue. 7). Talk about ..... What are some common topics that you can safely conduct
small talk about? You might initiate small talk about: 1) Sports - almost everyone likes some
kind of sport. 2) Hobbies 3) Weather and climate being experienced 4) Your respective
spouses and children 5) Media - such as television shows, movies, or music that both of you
may like. 6) Holidays that you think the other person may enjoy (but refrain from talking
about how much your holiday cost you - unless the other party brings it up.) 7) Your
respective hometowns 8) General information about the occupation of each person. 9) Current
trends in art or fashion. 10) Gossip about famous people. Page 9 ..... or not? a) Politics,
especially in your own country b). Religious topics c) Making assumptions d). Criticism of
anyone in the room ( they might be the other persons best mate!) Hopefully all these tips will
allow you to have an easier time looking for a small talk topic. iii. Give information about
yourself, skillfully Appropriate and skilful self disclosure~not too much and not too little—
requires social sensitivity and social judgment. As relationships progress, there is a tendency
to reveal more and more about ourselves, but too little or too much at the wrong time can
affect how people feel about us. Allow the other person to take the lead in how much is
offered. People seem to like each other best when they offer roughly the same amount and
kind of information. iv. Don’t Interrupt Skilful conversationalists also do not interrupt.
Interrupting does not always mean breaking into someone’s sentences. Starting to talk just
fractionally before, or instantly after, someone has finished, risks giving the impression that
you are not really listening to them, only waiting for them to be quiet so that you can have
your say! v. Listen out for clues Good conversationalists learn what to talk about by observing
which topics are being discussed and how people react to them. Sometimes the problem is not
knowing what to talk about. For some people, this means not being sure which topics are
appropriate for which situations. Think of small talk Topics you could talk about. Remember
to include things that you know about, or have experience of, which are interesting to others.
Thinking Space Page 10 Although there are no rules for this, observing others is a good idea.
For other people, the "what to talk about” problem has more to do with lack of activity: If
these persons have few hobbies, do not keep abreast of current affairs, rarely venture out to
the theatre or the cinema, or rarely travel, they might have little to contribute to a
conversation. vi Does the "who" matter? You can be friendly with intimates and strangers, co-
workers and in-laws, babies and bosses - even those you know only in the abstract, like
people on the other side of the world. Of course, it is not always appropriate to be friendly
with someone, such as to an adversary, or to someone who would misunderstand you. But
opportunities for greater friendliness are probably all around you this week. 1 Express Liking
Selectively It is a lot easier to like someone who likes us, than someone who does not. We can
communicate Liking and caring for others in many ways. � We can tell them. � We can
praise or compliment them. � We can seek their company. � We can listen to them. � We
can be supportive of their needs. � We can support their causes or people they care about.
However, there are a number of important rules about expressing liking to others, which you
might find helpful. i. Don’t Remark on someone's Obvious or Nonexistent Characteristics ⚠
Don’t make comments about totally obvious positive characteristics, particularly if they are
obvious to everyone or are common among the people you are with, For example, don’t
comment on how pretty a person is when she has just won a beauty pageant, or on how well
an immigrant reads English when he has been in an English speaking country for 20 years.
Express Liking Page 11 ⚠ Also, don’t tell people they have skills they don‘t possess. For
instance, don’t compliment the driving skills of someone who has just failed the road test for
the third time. ⚠ We tend to react most positively to people who praise us for attributes we
would like to have, but are not quite sure we possess, or for attributes we and everyone else
know we have, or for ones that we wished we had but know very well we haven’t. ii. Don’t
Praise Everyone for Similar Characteristics To be liked by someone who likes everyone in the
same way, is no great honour. Similarly, to be praised by someone for characteristics nearly
everyone has is not likely to increase attraction. Going overboard with praise for everyone, in
fact, can have unintended negative consequences. The absence of praise can then be taken as
disapproval, and that may reduce liking. Excessive praise can also make others question a
person’s sincerity and wonder whether he or she has an ulterior motive. The person may be
seen as ingratiating (i.e., praising someone to get something). Ingratiating people are
generally disliked. Expressing Liking, therefore, is not always a straightforward process Join
Conversation Groups If we wait for people to approach us, we may never have friends.
Sometimes we must make the first move in finding friends. To do this, we need to find new
groups of people to be around. When we are invited to a party at someone’s home where we
know none of the guests, it is reasonable to expect that the host or hostess will introduce us to
at least one person or one group of people. But this does not always happen, and even when it
does, we usually cannot stay with the same person or group for the entire party, meeting, or
event. Looking out for groups to join Page 12 There are two important skills for joining
ongoing conversational groups. First, we need to know how to tell whether a group of people
having a conversation is Open or Closed to new people. Second, if the group is Open, we
need to learn how to join the conversation. It is important to determine whether a group is
Open or Closed. 1. Figuring Out Whether a Group Is Open or Closed ✅ . People are standing
apart in an Open Group but are closer together in a Closed group ✅ . Open groups will be
welcoming to our entering the conversation; ✅ . Closed groups may not welcome new
members. In Open groups: ❇ . In an Open conversation, you may notice open arms, speaking
in louder voices, and a larger or more open circle. ❇ Members occasionally glance around the
room. ❇ There are gaps in the conversation. ❇ .Members are talking about a topic of general
interest. In Closed groups.- ⛔ Everyone is standing close together. ⛔ In a Closed
conversation, you may notice closed or folded arms, speaking in low voices, and being
physically closer to one another in a tighter circle. ⛔ Members attend exclusively to each
other. ⛔ There is a very animated conversation with few gaps, ⛔ Members seem to be
pairing off. ⛔ Closed groups may not welcome new members. 2. Figuring Out How to Join
an Open Group Conversation Usually the best way to join conversations in open groups is to
⭕ wait for a lull in the conversation, ⭕ move close to or stand beside a friendly looking
member of the group, ⭕ and say something like “Mind if I join you?” Page 13 3. Join
Organised Groups One of the most important reasons for joining groups is to meet others.
Thus joining ongoing groups that meet regularly can be an effective way of making friends. 1.
Find a Group That Meets Frequently The more frequently the group meets, the more likely
you are to become friends with someone in the group. 2. Find a Group Where Members Are
Similar to You It may be more difficult to make friends in groups based on characteristics
such as age, sex, or occupation that are not associated with attitudes; in this case, the larger
the group, the greater the chance of finding people who share your values. Imagine, for
instance, a small local club for divorced people or for single parents. The people in it may
have so little in common, other than their divorce, that meetings become a strain rather than a
pleasure. 3. Find a Group That Has the same Aims In a group organised around a shared
interest, it is better to find a group emphasising mutual help or one aimed simply at having a
good time, rather than a competitive group where members are always pitting their skills
against one another. Cooperation is more likely to open up Liking. People ordinarily appear
more attractive to one another if they are cooperating rather than competing Page 14 When
entering into Conversations and making friends, it pays to be aware of the Body Language
that you are seeing, or giving out. I have included a PDF File which clearly shows how people
might be communicating underneath the words they are saying. Don't get too caught up by
this topic, but be aware of signals in difficult moments! Take a look at the Worksheet (from
DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Worksheet 8) below. It is in two parts - the first is a planning
list, it gets us thinking about ways to contribute to a conversation. The second half is about
describing the opening into a new friendship. If, during the week, there is an opportunity to
place yourself in a new situation, where there are opportunities to get involved with others, try
experimenting with the ideas in this lesson. (Please, keep safe) Or Consider the beginning of a
lasting friendship. Try to follow the format below. It might be interesting to ask him/her about
any first impressions of you, too! Body Language Homework Page 15 Homework: Finding
people and Getting Them to Like You-the Skills 1. List two ways you do (or could ) make
regular contact with people 2. List 2 ways you could (or have) found people who share similar
attitudes to yours 3. List 2 ways you could get into conversations with people 4. List 2 ways
in which you could get into conversations where you could ask questions, give answers,
compliments or express a Liking to others. 5. List 2 times you can get into a group
conversation, which you could practice joining in 6. Do you have any other ideas of where
you could make friends? Describe one thing you have done to make a new friend and get
someone to Like you. a. Describe the meeting place b. . Which skills did you use? Proximity.
_____. Similarity._____. Conversation Skills______ . Express Liking _____ c. Was your
meeting place a group and, if so, was it Open. _____. ? Or was it. Closed ________?
Description of group : d. Describe how you used Conversation Skills with the group . e. How
effective was the interaction overall? Page 16 Primary Resources Linehan, M (2015) DBT
Skills Training Manual Version 2, New York, Guilford Press [2] Linehan M (2015) DBT
Skills Training Worksheets and Handouts Version 2, New York, Guilforf Press References
Bull S. journalist (2012) Top 10 Topics for Small Talk with Neighbours as Study Shows
Chattiest Streets are Happiest Streets [online]. in News Shopper online available at
http://www.newsshopper.co.uk/listsandlaughs/
11100777.Top_10_topics_for_small_talk_with_neighbours_as_study_shows_chattiest_streets
_are_happi est_streets/?ref=rss. Accessed 18 April 2017 Enkivillage [online community].
(2008) Body Language available at. https://www.enkivillage.org/bodylanguage-
examples.html Greif G (2008) Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships, Oxford UK,
Oxford University Press Hanson, R (2012) Be Friendly in Psychology Today in Psychology
Today. [online]. Available at https:// www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-wise-
brain/201211/be-friendly accessed 19 January 2017 Karbo K (2006) The Older We Get, The
Harder It Is To Make New Friends. How To Bond with Fresh Faces. In Psychology Today,
[online]., available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200611/six-ways-make-
friend Accessed 18 April 2017 Murphy P (2007) Great Small Talk for Every Situation in
Ezine Articles [online]. http://ezinearticles.com/?6-Great-Small-Talk-Topics-for-Every-
Situation&id=660857Accessed 18 April 2017 Miyoshi Toumori (),(2010) A Devil and Her
Love Song, Vol. 1, Publisher: ToÌ"kyoÌ" : ShuÌ"eisha, Publications, Tokyo Travis, J, (2017)
11 Steps to Master Small Talk. [online]. Available at http://janetravis.com/11-steps-tomaster-
small-talk. Accessed 18 April 2017 Wellington E. (2017) Social Media and Mental Health:
Friends or Foes? In Varsity, magazine , Cambridge University, UK wikihow (2017) How To
Join a Conversation Wiki How [online]. accessed 19 January 2017. http://
m.wikihow.com/Join-a-Conversation. Accessed 18 April 2017 Page 17

Lesson IE6: A. Options for Intensity of Asking or Saying No, and Factors to Consider in
Deciding B. Troubleshooting in Interpersonal Effectiveness Intensity of Asking or Refusing a
request in anInterpersonal Relationship Think of ways you have asked or refused something
of another person over the last few days. How would you describe your asking /refusing? (In
one word if possible). Looking at the illustration below, where would each of the
requests/refusals appear on the Intensity Block below. I've put in some ideas to get you
started. Figure One. Working out the. Level of intensity Being Interpersonally Effective often
requires us to understand whether it is appropriate to ask somebody for something we think
we need or to say no to a request, made by another person Thinking place Low Intensity
Requesting High intensity requesting Flat refusal Needing Not bothered Wondering
Suggesting 10/10 1/10 Insisting Begging High Low Won't!! For example, a person who is
sick might ask her healthy roommate to bring her a glass of orange juice. When the person
asking is healthy and the roommate is sick, it would clearly be inappropriate to do so. The
Borderline issue When we make a request of another person or need to refuse someone's
request, people with Borderline are at a disadvantage. We feel a need to stay popular with
others, or to let go of something, which clouds our Effective judgement. We can learn to
reduce losing the right pathway through assessing, in a Reasonable Mind, how to balance out
the pull of the Emotions and find Wise Mind. Learning to become effective We can learn to
overcome our uncertainty via assessing what exactly we want, or need to refuse from other
people, and then calculate the right approaches by checking Priorities and matching our
assessment with different levels of intensity. Example 1: You are thinking about going out,
but it's pouring with rain, how strongly would you accept the offer of a lift in a friend's car?
Our response: we might feel guilty for asking for help, or that the other person is showing off.
Or Want to accept strongly, not wanting to get drenched- with high intensity of acceptance.
Example : I have not seen, or heard from, distant cousin Archibald for years. Then the
doorbell rings and a strong-smelling Archibald says we have to house him for a couple of
years because he has run out of money for drugs or food. Our response : if we can get past our
Emotional Mind, it is most likely that we would give him a strong, high intensity refusal.
Example: You are grounded by your parents for bad behaviour. However, if you are good for
a fortnight, they will lift the punishment. Then, the gorgeous man you really adore, who
everyone really wants to go out with, rings up and invites you to go to the Cinema with him
the next day. This means you will have to sneak out . Our response Not so easy huh? Every
situation is different and we need to think carefully, using our Wise Mind, about each event
individually. Go back to your request/refusal from earlier. Where on the Intensity block did it
appear (Low-High)? Check out the intensity in Table 2 below, and you should get a good idea
of which style of approach is Wise Mind. For example: My rib cage is painful, so going out is
really painful. I need the weekly shop because we are low on supplies. I want my husband to
do the shopping for me. Thinking place My Request Intensity - close to the top, call it a 9
-looking at the table below, I can feel confident that it is right to "Insist" he helps me out,
although it may need some pressure to be kept up. The Factors to consider in deciding on
intensity of response. There are a group of Factors which we can learn to look out for, in
calculating whether or not to ask, or refuse.In any of these factors, your Wise Mind is an
important tool to double check a decision. However, be doubly sure that the Emotional Mind
is not in the stronger influence. Factor 1 Priorities- what matters to me? A). Objective
Priorities If our Objective s ( Getting what we want) are very important, the strength /
intensity of the response should be higher. B). Relationship Priorities Often, relationship
issues are such that we are willing to trade an objective to keep the other person happy. (If so,
check the relationship in your Wise Mind.) If all is well, then the intensity of the response
should be lower. Asking High intensity Saying No Don't ask, don't hint 1 Do what other
Wants without being asked Hint indirectly; take no 2 Don't complain, do it cheerfully Hint
openly; take no 3 Do it, even if you're not cheerful about it Ask tentatively, take no 4 Do it but
show that you'd rather not Ask gracefully; but take no 5 Say you'd rather not But do it
gracefully Ask confidently; take no 6 Say no confidetly but reconsider, Ask confidently; resist
no 7 Say no confidently, resist saying yes asked Ask firmly; resist no 8 Say no firmly, resist
saying yes Ask firmly; insist; negotiate; keep trying 9 Say no firmly; resist; negotiate; keep
rearing Ask and don't take no for an answer. 10 Don't do it. Table 2 directions for asking /
refusing according to intensity Low intensity C). Self-Respect Priorities Self-respect issues
may lead to a more or less intense response, depending on how we feel about the outcome and
the behaviour. We need to double check where our priorities lie, to begin to understand how
to ask /refuse Objectives very important? . Increase intensity. Relationship very weak?
Consider reducing intensity. Self-Respect on the line? Intensity should fit with your values.
Factor 2. Capability: (is this something I can do / other person can give?) Ask yourself- are
you able to give what is wanted of you? • QIs person able to give me what I want? If YES,
raise the intensity of ASKING. • If we do not have (and, therefore cannot give or do) what the
other person wants, the intensity of saying no should be higher. Factor 3. Timing : (is this a
good time?) Ask yourself Is this a good time to ask? Is person "in the mood" for listening and
paying attention to me? Am I catching person when he or she is likely to say yes to my
request? Is this person in the right mood to be asked? If YES, raise intensity of ASKING. Is
this a bad time to say no? Should I hold off answering for a while? If NO, raise the intensity
of No Factor 4. Homework: (are you sure that you have checked on all the information you
need?) Ask yourself. Have I done my homework? Do I know all the facts I need to know to
support my request? Am I clear about what I want? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING. Is
the other person's request clear? Do I know what I am agreeing to? If NO. raise the intensity
of NO If the other person’s request is not clear, the intensity of saying no should be higher.
Factor 5. Authority: (do we, or the other person, have some backing?) Ask yourself, do you
have any kind of authority or does the other person have authority over you? Am I responsible
for directing the person or telling the person what to do? If YES, raise the intensity of
ASKING. Does the person have authority over me (e.g., my boss, my teacher)? And is what
the person is asking within his or her authority? If NO, raise the intensity of NO Factor 6.
Rights : (does the request / refusal involve our rights) Is person required by law or moral code
to give me what I want? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING. Am I required to give the
person what he or she wants? Would saying no violate the other person's rights? If NO, raise
the intensity of NO. Factor 7 Give and take: (is there a favour or similar action to repay?) • If
we have done at least as much for the other person as one is requesting, and is willing to give.
if the other person says yes, the intensity of asking should be higher. • If one does not owe the
other person a favour, or the other person does not usually reciprocate, the intensity of saying
no should be higher. Factor 8. Long versus short term: (have we taken into account both long
and short term effects of our decision ?) Will being submissive (and not asking) get peace
now but create problems in the long run? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING. Is giving in
to get short-term peace more important than the long-term welfare of the relationship? Will I
eventually regret or resent saying no? If NO, raise the intensity of NO. Factor 9 Self- Respect:
(will this request/reflection damage my self-respect over time?) Do I usually do things for
myself? Am I careful to avoid acting helpless when I am not? If YES, raise the intensity of
ASKING. Will saying no make me feel bad about myself, even when I am thinking about it
wisely? If NO, raise the intensity of NO. Now work through your Request/ or Refusal on the
priorities. Your own notes .. .” Factor Are they relevant here?Yes or No Action to take?
Priorities Capability Timing Homework Authority Rights Give & Take Long/Short Term
Self-Respect Thinking place TROUBLESHOOTING EFFECTIVENESS IN
INTERPERSONAL SKILLS Some Suggestions for What you could do if you have struggled
in being Interpersonally Effective in an event. Note. Some of the suggested skills may not be
in your repertoire yet. They will come, so please don't worry about searching for them, just
yet! Difficulty in obtaining an objective can be due to many possible factors. When we can
identify the problem, we can often solve it and be more effective at getting what we want.
Problem 1. When skills are lacking � When you lack the skills, you don’t know how to act or
speak effectively to obtain your objectives, maintain the relationship, and keep your self-
respect. Ask yourself : “Do I have the skills I need?” The first step in answering this question
is to carefully read the instructions for each skill you tried. If this does not help, the next step
is to write out a script, detailing what you want to say to the other person, and then practice
that script with a friend or in front of a mirror. B. Unclear Objectives. � Not knowing your
objectives in a situation can make it almost impossible to be effective. When you don’t know
what you want, getting what you want is mostly based on chance.” Ask: “Do I know what I
want in the interaction?” If you are not sure, you might try using Pros and Cons comparing
different objectives; You can also use Emotional Regulation skills, including Opposite
Action, to reduce fear and/ or shame about asking or saying no. Are Shame and Fear holding
you back? � When has fear and shame have gotten in the way of knowing what you want?.
When this is the case, it can be very hard to reduce indecision and uncertainties, without first
reducing the anxiety and fear. Similarly, a person may feel ashamed of asking for something
or feel too ashamed to say no. As with anxiety and fear, reducing shame may be an essential
first step in clarifying goals. C. Short-Term Goals Interfering with Long-Term Goals � At
times, impulsively going for shorter term goals can interfere with getting what we really want
in the long term. This is true when we sacrifice a relationship or our self- respect to get an
immediate goal or reduce distress. It can also happen when we consistently give up getting
what we want, or need, in order to avoid conflict and keep others happy in the short term. If
you are not sure, you should fill out Interpersonal Effectiveness Worksheet 1, "Comparing
Short Term with Long-term Goals".(attached) Wait until you are not in emotion mind to do
this. Try to get in wise mind.” D. Emotions Getting in the Way of Skills. � At times, your
emotions may be so extreme that you simply cannot get into Wise Mind in order to figure out
what to do and say. Instead of saying something Skilful, you make emotional statements that
are extreme and ineffective—or you retreat into silence, pout, or leave the interaction, which
are also ineffective strategies. Out of control sobbing and crying may make it all but
impossible to communicate what you want to say. The Vortex Although tears can often be an
effective communication, at other times they can become a vortex of catastrophizing: The
more you cry the more distressed you become The more you cry the less you can control what
you say and do during interactions And so on The Sea of Dyscontrol This can also happen
with extreme anger or other intense emotions In these situations, you can be said to fall into a
Sea of Dyscontrol. Reasonable mind does not have a chance to surface and moderate the
influence of emotion mind. You may have the skills, but emotions interfere with using your
skills. . One solution is to practice your most important interpersonal skills over and over
when you are not in emotion mind. However, even when you have practiced the skills, you
are sometimes too overwhelmed with emotion to use them. When this happens, use Crisis
Survival and Emotional Regulation skills to stop out-ofcontrol unskillful responses and to
reduce emotional arousal. Skills to recall if you are upset 1. The STOP skill to keep from
saying things they will regret. 2. Opposite action to prompt yourself to use skills you know
you need to do but don‘t want to use. 3. Self-soothing skills before an interaction, to get
yourself calm enough for the interaction. 4. TIP skills to regulate your emotions rapidly. � If
you can get their emotions regulated, taking a short break before the interpersonal interaction
to do so will be well worth it. 5. Mindfulness of current emotions, to become aware of your
emotions, particularly those that may be interfering with your skills—and then to refocus
completely on the present objective. E. Worries, Assumptions, and Myths Interfering �
Worries about negative outcomes, and assumptions and myths about the value of expressing
your opinions or thoughts, can cause much trouble when you are trying to improve your
interpersonal skills. Some beliefs invalidate ever asking for what you want, such as believing
that asking for things or saying no is always selfish . Other myths interfere with maintaining
relationships, such as believing that people should know what you want without having to
ask. Try Challenging Myths and Checking the Facts when you are worrying and making
assumptions, Practicing Opposite Action all the way is a good way to test assumptions and
myths about feared negative consequences � It is important when practicing to focus both on
your current objectives and on the other person F. Environment More Powerful Than Skills �
When you don’t reach your objectives, it is helpful to search for ways in which you were not
Skilful. It is also important to consider the power of the environment, compared to your own
power as a person making a request or saying no. For example, in a company beset by
financial losses, requests for raises may be denied no matter how Skilful you are in asking.
For example, If the police arrive at your home with a warrant for your arrest, your refusing to
be arrested will probably be met with force. For example, Refusing to pay a bill that you owe
may mean dealing with a bill collector. Getting a stubborn spouse or partner to empty the
garbage every night may be met with a resistance that no use of skills can overcome. Things
to try Try Problem Solving just to be sure. If the objective is important, try to find an ally who
is as powerful as, or more powerful than, the person you are interacting with. (As a
reassurance NOT for threats or aggression) If all else fails, practice Radical Acceptance of not
getting what you want, or of having to do what someone else asks you to do. This week's
Homework Two options here. Please remember that any moment in which you are with
another person, whether for a couple of minutes or a longer time, requires your skills
interpersonal Effectiveness. In this homework, it can be easier to analyse a simple event
which does not carry too much emotional distress Calculating the Options for Asking or
Saying No This week, look out for a situation in which you need to either: i ask someone for
something ii. Refuse another person when they ask you for something. 1. Try to identify your
need to ask for something or what was the suggestion you needed to reject.? 2. Describe your
first thoughts about the asking / refusal before you prepared your request/ or refusal of a
request. 3. Preparation for the interpersonal Effectiveness in this event While making your
decision, think how you might need to use the different Interpersonal Relationship skills a).
Potential barriers to being Effective (Indecision, Environment, Myths etc) b) .DEAR MAN
for your Objective Effectiveness c) GIVE for keeping a relationship d). FAST for maintaining
your self-Respect 4. Preparing for the Request/refusal a) What was the Level of Intensity for
your Request / Refusal. ? (Low intensity. 1 - 10 High intensity ) b) What did that level
indicate was the best way to ask / refuse? c) Which priorities applied to this refusal / request?
5 When you feel quite prepared - The Interpersonal Event I Describe the location. ii. Who
were you asking /Rejecting?. iii. Describe how you got on and the outcome of your asking /
refusing. iv. What was different for you in going through this process.. Homework For
experienced DBT people ..... Troubleshooting IE events Describe a recent, fairly
straightforward, event after which you felt that you had a less than Effective interpersonal
Situation. 1. Location 2. People involved 3. What you wanted from the situation beforehand.
4. What did not go quite right for you. 5. Look through the Trouble Shooting List and
consider which of the skills might have helped to make a difference and what improvements
they would make. Option2

Lesson IE6: A. Options for Intensity of Asking or Saying No, and Factors to Consider in
Deciding B. Troubleshooting in Interpersonal Effectiveness Intensity of Asking or Refusing a
request in anInterpersonal Relationship Think of ways you have asked or refused something
of another person over the last few days. How would you describe your asking /refusing? (In
one word if possible). Looking at the illustration below, where would each of the
requests/refusals appear on the Intensity Block below. I've put in some ideas to get you
started. Figure One. Working out the. Level of intensity Being Interpersonally Effective often
requires us to understand whether it is appropriate to ask somebody for something we think
we need or to say no to a request, made by another person Thinking place Low Intensity
Requesting High intensity requesting Flat refusal Needing Not bothered Wondering
Suggesting 10/10 1/10 Insisting Begging High Low Won't!! For example, a person who is
sick might ask her healthy roommate to bring her a glass of orange juice. When the person
asking is healthy and the roommate is sick, it would clearly be inappropriate to do so. The
Borderline issue When we make a request of another person or need to refuse someone's
request, people with Borderline are at a disadvantage. We feel a need to stay popular with
others, or to let go of something, which clouds our Effective judgement. We can learn to
reduce losing the right pathway through assessing, in a Reasonable Mind, how to balance out
the pull of the Emotions and find Wise Mind. Learning to become effective We can learn to
overcome our uncertainty via assessing what exactly we want, or need to refuse from other
people, and then calculate the right approaches by checking Priorities and matching our
assessment with different levels of intensity. Example 1: You are thinking about going out,
but it's pouring with rain, how strongly would you accept the offer of a lift in a friend's car?
Our response: we might feel guilty for asking for help, or that the other person is showing off.
Or Want to accept strongly, not wanting to get drenched- with high intensity of acceptance.
Example : I have not seen, or heard from, distant cousin Archibald for years. Then the
doorbell rings and a strong-smelling Archibald says we have to house him for a couple of
years because he has run out of money for drugs or food. Our response : if we can get past our
Emotional Mind, it is most likely that we would give him a strong, high intensity refusal.
Example: You are grounded by your parents for bad behaviour. However, if you are good for
a fortnight, they will lift the punishment. Then, the gorgeous man you really adore, who
everyone really wants to go out with, rings up and invites you to go to the Cinema with him
the next day. This means you will have to sneak out . Our response Not so easy huh? Every
situation is different and we need to think carefully, using our Wise Mind, about each event
individually. Go back to your request/refusal from earlier. Where on the Intensity block did it
appear (Low-High)? Check out the intensity in Table 2 below, and you should get a good idea
of which style of approach is Wise Mind. For example: My rib cage is painful, so going out is
really painful. I need the weekly shop because we are low on supplies. I want my husband to
do the shopping for me. Thinking place My Request Intensity - close to the top, call it a 9
-looking at the table below, I can feel confident that it is right to "Insist" he helps me out,
although it may need some pressure to be kept up. The Factors to consider in deciding on
intensity of response. There are a group of Factors which we can learn to look out for, in
calculating whether or not to ask, or refuse.In any of these factors, your Wise Mind is an
important tool to double check a decision. However, be doubly sure that the Emotional Mind
is not in the stronger influence. Factor 1 Priorities- what matters to me? A). Objective
Priorities If our Objective s ( Getting what we want) are very important, the strength /
intensity of the response should be higher. B). Relationship Priorities Often, relationship
issues are such that we are willing to trade an objective to keep the other person happy. (If so,
check the relationship in your Wise Mind.) If all is well, then the intensity of the response
should be lower. Asking High intensity Saying No Don't ask, don't hint 1 Do what other
Wants without being asked Hint indirectly; take no 2 Don't complain, do it cheerfully Hint
openly; take no 3 Do it, even if you're not cheerful about it Ask tentatively, take no 4 Do it but
show that you'd rather not Ask gracefully; but take no 5 Say you'd rather not But do it
gracefully Ask confidently; take no 6 Say no confidetly but reconsider, Ask confidently; resist
no 7 Say no confidently, resist saying yes asked Ask firmly; resist no 8 Say no firmly, resist
saying yes Ask firmly; insist; negotiate; keep trying 9 Say no firmly; resist; negotiate; keep
rearing Ask and don't take no for an answer. 10 Don't do it. Table 2 directions for asking /
refusing according to intensity Low intensity C). Self-Respect Priorities Self-respect issues
may lead to a more or less intense response, depending on how we feel about the outcome and
the behaviour. We need to double check where our priorities lie, to begin to understand how
to ask /refuse Objectives very important? . Increase intensity. Relationship very weak?
Consider reducing intensity. Self-Respect on the line? Intensity should fit with your values.
Factor 2. Capability: (is this something I can do / other person can give?) Ask yourself- are
you able to give what is wanted of you? • QIs person able to give me what I want? If YES,
raise the intensity of ASKING. • If we do not have (and, therefore cannot give or do) what the
other person wants, the intensity of saying no should be higher. Factor 3. Timing : (is this a
good time?) Ask yourself Is this a good time to ask? Is person "in the mood" for listening and
paying attention to me? Am I catching person when he or she is likely to say yes to my
request? Is this person in the right mood to be asked? If YES, raise intensity of ASKING. Is
this a bad time to say no? Should I hold off answering for a while? If NO, raise the intensity
of No Factor 4. Homework: (are you sure that you have checked on all the information you
need?) Ask yourself. Have I done my homework? Do I know all the facts I need to know to
support my request? Am I clear about what I want? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING. Is
the other person's request clear? Do I know what I am agreeing to? If NO. raise the intensity
of NO If the other person’s request is not clear, the intensity of saying no should be higher.
Factor 5. Authority: (do we, or the other person, have some backing?) Ask yourself, do you
have any kind of authority or does the other person have authority over you? Am I responsible
for directing the person or telling the person what to do? If YES, raise the intensity of
ASKING. Does the person have authority over me (e.g., my boss, my teacher)? And is what
the person is asking within his or her authority? If NO, raise the intensity of NO Factor 6.
Rights : (does the request / refusal involve our rights) Is person required by law or moral code
to give me what I want? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING. Am I required to give the
person what he or she wants? Would saying no violate the other person's rights? If NO, raise
the intensity of NO. Factor 7 Give and take: (is there a favour or similar action to repay?) • If
we have done at least as much for the other person as one is requesting, and is willing to give.
if the other person says yes, the intensity of asking should be higher. • If one does not owe the
other person a favour, or the other person does not usually reciprocate, the intensity of saying
no should be higher. Factor 8. Long versus short term: (have we taken into account both long
and short term effects of our decision ?) Will being submissive (and not asking) get peace
now but create problems in the long run? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING. Is giving in
to get short-term peace more important than the long-term welfare of the relationship? Will I
eventually regret or resent saying no? If NO, raise the intensity of NO. Factor 9 Self- Respect:
(will this request/reflection damage my self-respect over time?) Do I usually do things for
myself? Am I careful to avoid acting helpless when I am not? If YES, raise the intensity of
ASKING. Will saying no make me feel bad about myself, even when I am thinking about it
wisely? If NO, raise the intensity of NO. Now work through your Request/ or Refusal on the
priorities. Your own notes .. .” Factor Are they relevant here?Yes or No Action to take?
Priorities Capability Timing Homework Authority Rights Give & Take Long/Short Term
Self-Respect Thinking place TROUBLESHOOTING EFFECTIVENESS IN
INTERPERSONAL SKILLS Some Suggestions for What you could do if you have struggled
in being Interpersonally Effective in an event. Note. Some of the suggested skills may not be
in your repertoire yet. They will come, so please don't worry about searching for them, just
yet! Difficulty in obtaining an objective can be due to many possible factors. When we can
identify the problem, we can often solve it and be more effective at getting what we want.
Problem 1. When skills are lacking � When you lack the skills, you don’t know how to act or
speak effectively to obtain your objectives, maintain the relationship, and keep your self-
respect. Ask yourself : “Do I have the skills I need?” The first step in answering this question
is to carefully read the instructions for each skill you tried. If this does not help, the next step
is to write out a script, detailing what you want to say to the other person, and then practice
that script with a friend or in front of a mirror. B. Unclear Objectives. � Not knowing your
objectives in a situation can make it almost impossible to be effective. When you don’t know
what you want, getting what you want is mostly based on chance.” Ask: “Do I know what I
want in the interaction?” If you are not sure, you might try using Pros and Cons comparing
different objectives; You can also use Emotional Regulation skills, including Opposite
Action, to reduce fear and/ or shame about asking or saying no. Are Shame and Fear holding
you back? � When has fear and shame have gotten in the way of knowing what you want?.
When this is the case, it can be very hard to reduce indecision and uncertainties, without first
reducing the anxiety and fear. Similarly, a person may feel ashamed of asking for something
or feel too ashamed to say no. As with anxiety and fear, reducing shame may be an essential
first step in clarifying goals. C. Short-Term Goals Interfering with Long-Term Goals � At
times, impulsively going for shorter term goals can interfere with getting what we really want
in the long term. This is true when we sacrifice a relationship or our self- respect to get an
immediate goal or reduce distress. It can also happen when we consistently give up getting
what we want, or need, in order to avoid conflict and keep others happy in the short term. If
you are not sure, you should fill out Interpersonal Effectiveness Worksheet 1, "Comparing
Short Term with Long-term Goals".(attached) Wait until you are not in emotion mind to do
this. Try to get in wise mind.” D. Emotions Getting in the Way of Skills. � At times, your
emotions may be so extreme that you simply cannot get into Wise Mind in order to figure out
what to do and say. Instead of saying something Skilful, you make emotional statements that
are extreme and ineffective—or you retreat into silence, pout, or leave the interaction, which
are also ineffective strategies. Out of control sobbing and crying may make it all but
impossible to communicate what you want to say. The Vortex Although tears can often be an
effective communication, at other times they can become a vortex of catastrophizing: The
more you cry the more distressed you become The more you cry the less you can control what
you say and do during interactions And so on The Sea of Dyscontrol This can also happen
with extreme anger or other intense emotions In these situations, you can be said to fall into a
Sea of Dyscontrol. Reasonable mind does not have a chance to surface and moderate the
influence of emotion mind. You may have the skills, but emotions interfere with using your
skills. . One solution is to practice your most important interpersonal skills over and over
when you are not in emotion mind. However, even when you have practiced the skills, you
are sometimes too overwhelmed with emotion to use them. When this happens, use Crisis
Survival and Emotional Regulation skills to stop out-ofcontrol unskillful responses and to
reduce emotional arousal. Skills to recall if you are upset 1. The STOP skill to keep from
saying things they will regret. 2. Opposite action to prompt yourself to use skills you know
you need to do but don‘t want to use. 3. Self-soothing skills before an interaction, to get
yourself calm enough for the interaction. 4. TIP skills to regulate your emotions rapidly. � If
you can get their emotions regulated, taking a short break before the interpersonal interaction
to do so will be well worth it. 5. Mindfulness of current emotions, to become aware of your
emotions, particularly those that may be interfering with your skills—and then to refocus
completely on the present objective. E. Worries, Assumptions, and Myths Interfering �
Worries about negative outcomes, and assumptions and myths about the value of expressing
your opinions or thoughts, can cause much trouble when you are trying to improve your
interpersonal skills. Some beliefs invalidate ever asking for what you want, such as believing
that asking for things or saying no is always selfish . Other myths interfere with maintaining
relationships, such as believing that people should know what you want without having to
ask. Try Challenging Myths and Checking the Facts when you are worrying and making
assumptions, Practicing Opposite Action all the way is a good way to test assumptions and
myths about feared negative consequences � It is important when practicing to focus both on
your current objectives and on the other person F. Environment More Powerful Than Skills �
When you don’t reach your objectives, it is helpful to search for ways in which you were not
Skilful. It is also important to consider the power of the environment, compared to your own
power as a person making a request or saying no. For example, in a company beset by
financial losses, requests for raises may be denied no matter how Skilful you are in asking.
For example, If the police arrive at your home with a warrant for your arrest, your refusing to
be arrested will probably be met with force. For example, Refusing to pay a bill that you owe
may mean dealing with a bill collector. Getting a stubborn spouse or partner to empty the
garbage every night may be met with a resistance that no use of skills can overcome. Things
to try Try Problem Solving just to be sure. If the objective is important, try to find an ally who
is as powerful as, or more powerful than, the person you are interacting with. (As a
reassurance NOT for threats or aggression) If all else fails, practice Radical Acceptance of not
getting what you want, or of having to do what someone else asks you to do. This week's
Homework Two options here. Please remember that any moment in which you are with
another person, whether for a couple of minutes or a longer time, requires your skills
interpersonal Effectiveness. In this homework, it can be easier to analyse a simple event
which does not carry too much emotional distress Calculating the Options for Asking or
Saying No This week, look out for a situation in which you need to either: i ask someone for
something ii. Refuse another person when they ask you for something. 1. Try to identify your
need to ask for something or what was the suggestion you needed to reject.? 2. Describe your
first thoughts about the asking / refusal before you prepared your request/ or refusal of a
request. 3. Preparation for the interpersonal Effectiveness in this event While making your
decision, think how you might need to use the different Interpersonal Relationship skills a).
Potential barriers to being Effective (Indecision, Environment, Myths etc) b) .DEAR MAN
for your Objective Effectiveness c) GIVE for keeping a relationship d). FAST for maintaining
your self-Respect 4. Preparing for the Request/refusal a) What was the Level of Intensity for
your Request / Refusal. ? (Low intensity. 1 - 10 High intensity ) b) What did that level
indicate was the best way to ask / refuse? c) Which priorities applied to this refusal / request?
5 When you feel quite prepared - The Interpersonal Event I Describe the location. ii. Who
were you asking /Rejecting?. iii. Describe how you got on and the outcome of your asking /
refusing. iv. What was different for you in going through this process.. Homework For
experienced DBT people ..... Troubleshooting IE events Describe a recent, fairly
straightforward, event after which you felt that you had a less than Effective interpersonal
Situation. 1. Location 2. People involved 3. What you wanted from the situation beforehand.
4. What did not go quite right for you. 5. Look through the Trouble Shooting List and
consider which of the skills might have helped to make a difference and what improvements
they would make. Option2