12/21/12 8:31 PM

Ive been watching the Kardashian show for a few years now. I do not obsess over people, but 
find certain people intriguing, because they are unique in someway and when people feel 
comfortable being themselves, good bad and ugly that is entertaining. It is brave of someone, 
who no matter what people say about them, or criticize them, can still hold their head high and 
be respected and still be able to earn a living, and be a role model to young women. I used to 
judge more critically, in that I too, (kind of like employers) that anything other than straight 
edge is worth taking a double take of. But as I see others on tv reality shows, not worry, and be 
happy, I see that if they can accomplish that in the public eye, than there is no reason why 
someone like me, who lives in a bubble, cannot learn to feel comfortable in their own skin 
around family and friends, and classmates. Minor issues, blew up because it was drilled in my 
head that I am a selfish and bad person. I know when I did cocaine I only cared about numbing 
myself and feeling good because I had been dumped by every guy I liked, and would rather sit 
and fly high as a kite listening to music, and just accepting that as much as I get sad being alone 
all the time, I am better off alone, than blinded by anyone or influenced by anyone, so that I only 
have myself to blame if I get punched in the face with something I never saw coming until it was 
too late and I was already in the hospital and thrown into a situations over and over again testing 
me and testing me and nothing I could do to change the way others treated me. People used to 
warmly welcome me and I was received well most of the time unless I kept to myself, but now 
its like I am invisible, like I don’t exist. So I sat in a graveyard today, where I go, when I need to 
make decisions about whether I am just sad today or if this is where I want to be, and if I don’t 
want to end up here, what do I need to do, so I applied for the Army, and hopefully will at least 
be accepted in their basic training program as a reserve, to find discipline, purpose, self-worth, 
and prove to myself and others that I mentally and physically fit for any profession so long as I 
am in an environment thats work ethic, structure, and level of seriousness towards their work 
product matches with what my needs and compliments my personal interest in public service 
work, helping to support disadvantaged members of community, giving them opportunities for 
personal and professional growth, since I have been raised and given opportunities to achieve 
anything I wanted in life, and threw it all away because I cant handle the pressure of trying to be 
something I am not, smart; and then only be criticized for it and called a drug addict, alcoholic, 
and selfish person. I give up. I have nothing to prove, I have tried my hardest and I still cannot 
get a job. And now I am permanently slow, more than I even was to begin with, and react with 
anger not because I am mad at others, but because you are rubbing something in my face that has 
been rubbed in my face my entire life and 10 fold in treatments. 
 
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 12/21/12 8:31 PM