More than you ever wanted to know about:

Courtly Love
Background:

Troubadours of 12th century France invented a new way (for the time period) to think about love. In the
poetry of the troubadours love was often celebrated in quasi-religious terms, with the beloved woman
being venerated as an object of worship, and much emphasis on the torments suffered by the lover. It
was truly revolutionary because it placed women, who technically had no power in medieval society, in
a position of complete dominance over their lovers. The beloved lady is the master, and the poet – even
in if in real life he was a great lord – is her servant.

Because love was not a prerequisite for marriage at the time, most being arranged, courtly love was
rarely discussed in terms of marriage. In fact, Andres Capellanus, the author of the On The Art Of
Loving, seems to be convinced that true love must be extramarital. His 31 rules of love seem to have
started as a parody of exaggerated behaviors and then slowly became actual tradition:

1. Marriage is no real excuse for not loving. 14. The easy attainment of love makes it of little value: difficulty of attainment
2. He who is not jealous cannot love. makes it prized.
3. No one can be bound by a double love. 15. Every lover regularly turns pale in the presence of his beloved.
4. It is well known that love is always increasing or 16. When a lover suddenly catches sight of his beloved his heart palpitates.
decreasing. 17. A new love puts an old one to flight.
5. That which a lover takes against the will of his 18. Good character alone makes any man worthy of love.
beloved has no relish. 19. If love diminishes, it quickly fails and rarely revives.
6. Boys do not love until they reach the age of maturity. 20. A man in love is always apprehensive.
7. When one lover dies, a widowhood of two years is 21. Real jealousy always increases the feeling of love.
required of the survivor. 22. Jealousy increases when one suspects his beloved.
8. No one should be deprived of love without the very 23. He whom the thought of love vexes eats and sleeps very little.
best of reasons. 24. Every act of a lover ends in the thought of his beloved.
9. No one can love unless he is propelled by the 25. A true lover considers nothing good except what he thinks will please his
persuasion of love. beloved.
10. Love is always a stranger in the home of avarice. 26. Love can deny nothing to love.
11. It is not proper to love any woman whom one would 27. A lover can never have enough of the solaces of his beloved.
be ashamed to seek to marry. 28. A slight presumption causes a lover to suspect his beloved.
12. A true lover does not desire to embrace in love 29. A man who is vexed by too much passion usually does not love.
anyone except his beloved. 30. A true lover is constantly and without intermission possessed by the thought
13. When made public love rarely endures. of his beloved.

31. Nothing forbids one woman being loved by two men or one man by two
women.

Basic steps to Courtly Love

Step 1: Deadly Joy, Happy Pain

Courtly love declares love to be a happy anguish, but one the sufferer would much rather endure than give up.
The pain shows up in two ways:
1. frustration – physical and mental desire so strong for the beloved that it is actually painful…hence
the turning pale, strong heartbeat, loss of appetite, etc.
2. fear – that the love will not be returned; that the lover is not worthy.

Step 2: Pursuit of Happiness

The courtly lover, no matter how great the fear of rejection, is compelled to make known his love to the beloved.
If he is shy, that must be overcome. If he is below the woman socially, it might be physically difficult to get close
to her. He may be incapacitated because his love has made him ill. Nevertheless, he must try.
 o Popular courtly love trick #1: Guilt Ex. “I love you so much that I’m wounded, I’m in pain, I’m
suffering, and all because of you; if you don’t relent I shall die and you will have killed me. You don’t
want to be responsible for that, do you? Gimme a smooch…”
o Note: It is the female’s responsibility at this point to shoot the guy down so that we can all get to step #3.
The longer she holds out, the more the guy has to work and proves both of their worths: his for the effort,
and hers for being worth the trouble.

Step 3: Worthy to be Loved

Ways to prove you are worthy:
o Be courteous: don’t be a jerk! See chivalrous behavior…
o Be rich: this is where gifts of chocolate and diamonds come from.
o Be brave: go kill a dragon! The ladies love that!
o Be pure and humble: who says nice guys finish last?
o Be tenacious: Who cares if your beloved says she would rather marry a warthog, go ahead and hire that
mariachi band anyway…again.

Step 4: Journeying, Seeking, and Suffering

A man’s worth will enhance that of his beloved…and vice versa. So…more ways to prove you are worthy:
o Go on a quest!“I would swim the farthest ocean…I would climb the highest mountain.” You get the idea.
o Go on a mission designated by your lover. “Find me a two headed unicorn named Bill and then I’ll give
you a kiss.”
o Allow your beloved to humiliate you. Guinevere asked Lancelot to “do his worst” in a knightly
tournament. All the other knights laugh at him. He has basically proven his love by giving up aspects of
his chivalry.

Step 5: Things can’t be too easy.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” “Familiarity breeds contempt.”
Good love must have obstacles to overcome: disapproving parents, jealous husbands, wars, etc. If lovers spend
too much time together, they will become bored and the love will fade. We can’t have that!

Step 6: A Consummation Devoutly to be Wished.

Let’s be clear here, there is an end goal to courtly love, and it ain’t playing cards! ‘Nuff said.

Step 7: The Green-Eyed Monster

A good lover is jealous. In courtly love, jealousy is not just suspicion of other people but also anything that might
take the beloved away, even the lover’s own faults.

Conclusion:

“…In the Middle Ages people had inherited a view of their own culture as the poor remains of a more glorious
past; thus the splendors of the Roman world were remembered with loving nostalgia in the Dark Ages and
beyond. But in the Renaissance people began to look forward with energy and pride and to see their culture as
better than what had gone before, and in a state of calm but continual improvement …
…Even at the height of the Age of Reason, with its distrust of passion and excess, Love was, if not as busy as in
the 12th century, never successfully banished. Men still wooed women courteously, respectfully; they continued
to feel that they would be rewarded by her love only after demonstrating their devotion…
…But in the final decades of the 18th century there was a revolt against reason. The Romantic Movement wanted
passion, cultivated sensibility; rejected cold logic…At the same time there was a renewal of interest in medieval
art and literature, which developed in the first half of the 19th century into the great Victorian obsession with
medieval culture…
…And so romantic love has come down to us in the final years of the 20th century, as a consummation devoutly to
be wished, and yet fearsomely difficult to obtain. We are brought up from birth with the idea that love makes life
worthwhile, that it seductively promises the intensest happiness of personal fulfillment, and that although there
may be other reasons for marrying, it is hopelessly wicked to marry without affection. Yet the various pains of
disappointment, rejection, jealousy and betrayal are on the other side of the coin and cause untold suffering to
those unlucky in love…”

Information from: The Book of Courtly Love: The Passionate Code of the Troubadours by Andrea Hopkins