婚姻治疗 Couples Therapy

*我们因相同而连接因不同而成长 in same-ness we connect, in different-ness we grow

1. 角色对换/role changing (role play)

2. 找相同处/find the sameness
3. 处理不同处/deal with different-ness：
a) 男女之别 Gender differences
b) 天生气质 Born temperament
c) 原生家庭 sculpting the family of origin
d) 影响轮 wheel of influence
e) 互动要素 interaction
4. 用冰山教导同理心/learning to be empathy to one another using iceberg
5. 学习同理心模式 leaning empathy method
a) 聆听 listening
b) 简述语意&情绪反映 reframing & reflect on feeling (without judging, labeling,&
moralizing)
6. 学习感情存款---说出肯定，赞美，认同
Practice to deposit in the love/ trust bank---affirmation, praise & recognition
7. 学习说出爱的语言/learn to say the love language:
a) 语言肯定 words of affirmation,
b) 时间 quality time,
c) 服务 acts of service,
d) 身体亲密 physical touch and
e) 礼物 receiving gifts

8．学习处理冲突/learn to deal with conflict

a) 倾听，了解，协商，（原则：你替问题，我选时间）
listening, understanding, compromise (rule: you bring up the problems, I choose the time to
discuss)
b) 陈列解决方案 listing the trouble shot
c) 若不能达致协议，便去听第三者意见（双方同意的人）
if can’t achieve compromise, they should look for a third party for opinion (that person must be
agreed by the 2 parties)

9. 增加友情 enhance friendship

a) 愿意聆听 willing to listen
b) 问：他的冰山是什么？learn about his iceberg
c) 当能确认他的冰山时，才说出自己的看法和建议
when you are able to identified his iceberg then only you present your perception and suggestion
d) 学习将自己的冰山 learn to speak your iceberg

当。。。 行为
When.... behavior
我觉得。。。 感受
I feel that.... feelings
我希望。。。 期待
I hope.... expectations
我相信。。。 渴望
I believe…. yearnings
e) 每天至少给对方 15 分钟个人时间
let your spouse to have at least 15minuets of private time every day.

**角色对换 role changing

1. 你是一个怎样的人？他是一个怎样的人？
What kinds of person are you/ tell me about you? What kinds of person are he/ tell me
about him?

2. 你有什么优点？/他有什么优点？
Tell me about your strongpoint/ tell me about his strongpoint

3. 他对你好吗？does he treats you good?

你怎么知道？how do you know he treats you well?
你对他好吗？do you treat he good?
他怎么知道你对他好？how does he knows you treat him good?

4. 告诉我一些有关你的恋爱史 tells me something about your love story

什么原因使他决定和你结婚？what do you suppose is the reasons that make him decide to
marry you?

5. 你可以做什么，使这婚姻更好？what can you do to improve your marriage?

他可以做什么，使这婚姻更好？what can he do to improve your marriage?

6. 如果你对这婚姻只能有一个愿望，你的愿望会是什么？If you are granted a wish for your

marriage, what will you wish for?
如果你对这婚姻只能有一个愿望，你的愿望会是什么? If you spouse are granted a wish for this
marriage, what will he wish for?
7. 做回原本的角色，你有什么要补充的吗？有什么想法？有什么感受？
Now change back to yourself, do you have anything to say (add on)? Any thoughts? Any
feeling?

 Try to give homework regarding no.6.

**找相同之处 look for the sameness

-找到正面动机，感受，想法时就把他们讲出来，然后让对方作一个正面的反应。
-share a positive motivation, feeling or thoughts when you have one, have you spouse to give a
positive respond.
 心理/情绪之别
Differences between psychological & emotional

女人 woman 男人 man
人生朝向 与人有关系 目标挑战
life direction Relationship with people Target challenge
兴趣 人，感受 事物
interest Human, feelings Things
自我身份的基础 关系，家庭 事业，成就
the base of self identity Relationship, family Career, successes
对改变的反应 慢 快
reaction towards changes slow fast
人格特质 重感情，凭直觉，细心 重理智，善分析，粗心
personality characteristic Value feelings, follow Intellectual, good analysis,
intuition, attentive careless

兴/生理反应之别
Differences between sex & physical responses

女人 woman 男人 man
性驱力 sex drive 受月经周期影响 相当稳定
性刺激来源 罗曼蒂克气氛，romantic atmosphere 眼见
Sex stimulation 甜言蜜语，sweet talk Eye sight
身体抚摸 gently stroke of body
易被吸引 男人的个性 女人的外表
Easily attracted with Male’s personality Female’s appearance

前奏的预备 需要长时间的心理和情绪培养 无需培养既可进入状况

Foreplay preparation Need longer time to be No need any preparation,
psychologically & emotionally ready Always ready
 丈夫与妻子的差异
The differences between husband & wife
丈夫 妻子
1．较重理性 more rational 1.重感性，感觉，情绪化 more to
sensibility, feeling, emotional

2.以言语表达思想 2．以言语表达感觉
verbally express thinking verbally express feelings

3.把听到的话用来当资讯，资料 3．用感觉来体会所听到的话
Use what he heard as an information & Use feelings to experience what she
data heard

4.不会那么敏感 4．较敏感，甚至将事情联想到自己的身上
not that sensitive More sensitive, relate everything to
herself

5.独立自主 5．依赖，需要更多的安全感
Independent Dependence, need lots of sense of
security

6.对事业，工作具个性的延伸 6.对家庭具有个性的延伸
Career can boost personality extension Family can boost personality extension

7. 记得重点，大件事项 7.记得细节，曲解重点
Remember main point & big deal Remember detail & Misinterpret

8.重原则性的处理事务，不喜欢干涉家常琐 8.重情绪，感觉来处理事务，喜欢干涉（关
碎的事物 心）丈夫的事业
Principle, do not like to interrupt with Emotional, like to interrupt (concern)
trivial matter for husband career

9.不容易表达对妻子的爱 9.重视丈夫对她爱意的关怀。
Hard to express love to wife Cares about husband love & care toward
her

10.容易以理性但不太容易用言语表达感激 10.重视语言或行动表达感激
Better with using rational than word to Used word or action to express
express appreciation. appreciation
 11.自尊心较强--- 比较硬化 11.自尊心也强--- 但容易认错
Strong self-respect (Pride) --- not very Also strong self-respect --- but more
flexible easily to admit mistake or wrong doing

12.较难认错 12.若知道是自己的错较容易认错
Difficult in admitting mistake She is more easy to admit wrong

13.稳重思考，也有激动的时候 13.容易激动或闹情绪
Prudent thinking, also time of Easily agitated or get emotional
agitated/exiting

天生气质 born temperament

1.忧郁型/Depression Type

社交/social：
自我形象底 low self image 自视甚高
怕被拒绝 afraid of being reject 情绪波动
Task-oriented
觉得自己不够好 feel not good enough
傲慢 arrogant
Loner
退缩 withdraw
怕做错 afraid of doing mistake
不合群 alienation
内向 shy
选择性交朋友 selective with friend
安静 quiet
固执 stubborn
缺乏信心 low self-esteem
有主见 assertive
懂得表现出能力 know how to show abilities
在社交上不主动 not social initiative
能自控 have self control

意志力/willpower：
已有习惯很难改变 hard to change habit 怕失败 afraid of failure
独立自主 independence 要由自己做选择 make own decision
负责任 responsible 沮丧时会酗酒 use of alcohol when depress
有领导能力 leadership 用毒品，沉迷性欲 use drug, addicted to sex
不要控制人也不要被人控制 don’t like to control 自杀 suicide
or control by others 反叛 rebel
缺乏弹性 lack of flexibility 拖延 dragging
怕陌生的人，事，物 afraid of unfamiliar people, 能做决定 can make decision
things, matter
感情/feeling：
忧郁 depress 难忘记过去，感觉深刻 hard to forget the past,
压力 stress have deep feeling
害怕 afraid 深思者 ponderer
会自杀成功 will succeed in suicide 节省 save
艺术性 artistic 注重经济稳定 emphasize economic stability
喜欢学新的东西 like to learn new things 忠诚的朋友 a loyal friend
寻求智慧与了解 seek wisdom and understand 可自我牺牲 willing to scarify
完美主义者 perfectionist 不表达感觉 don’t express feeling
容易受伤 easily get hurt 通常因有性需求才对配偶表达爱意 normally
不容易宽恕别人 not easy to forgive express love when there is a sexual desire
寂寞 lonely
忧郁型者的需要/ They need to :

1. 追求真理，秩序，可靠和信任
seek truth, order, reliable & trust
2. 跟着自己的节奏去社交
social according to his rhythms
3. 喜欢有系统的工作，行政工作，而不是天天面对人
enjoy systematic work, administrative work, without meeting people daily
4. 每天需有独处的时间使自己恢复精力(slowly & steadily)
need to have private time to restore energy
5. 学习想正面的，积极的，有益的
learn to think positively, usefully
6. 接受人不完美，自己也不完美
accept that human are not perfect, & you are also not perfect
7. 需要稳定的经济
need economic stability
8. 需要被接纳和肯定
need acceptance & affirmation
9. 建立信心
build confidence
10. 学习讲出所需和感觉
learn to voice out needs & feeling
11. 重要他人给于爱，欣赏与肯定
the significant other need to give him love, appreciate & affirmation
12. 千万不要说他笨！
Never call him stupid!
2.乐天型/lotte type

社交/social：
非常喜欢社交 Love social 讲笑话 joke
喜欢注意力焦点 Like be the centre of attention 冲动
衣服喜欢鲜艳 Like bright colour colthes 用钱没节制 no self control with spending
会激励他人 Encouraging other 外向 outgoing
乐观积极 富同情心
注重成功，忘记失败 emphasize success but 容易感动 easily touch
forgot failure (difficult to learn from mistake) 温暖 warm
爱赚钱 喜新厌旧
促销员 suitable to be a sale person 多姿多彩生活
不可靠 not reliable
面对多人的工作 suitable with job which facing
Person oriented
lots of ppl
非常注重人际关系
大声说话 speak loudly
意志力/willpower：
缺乏节制能力 lock of self control 不会 burn out
缺乏计划 lack of planning 有时会自恋
为朋友忽略家庭责任 neglect family 意志力薄弱 weak willpower
responsibility for friend 要很多赞美和爱 need praise & love
有时依赖有时独立 会沉溺于某件事或兴趣 easily addicted to some
需要很多肯定，最讨厌批评 need things or hobby
acknowledgement, hate comment
感情/feeling：
很容易认错道歉，但不容易改进 easily to 需要常告诉他你爱她 often confirm love
apologize but not change 浪漫 romantic
活在今日当下 认为性代表爱 sex is love
不承认失败 don’t admit failure 要拥抱 skin hunger
很会妒嫉（重要他人给别人时间） 碰触来代表爱意 use touch to express love
有时夸大其词
不喜压力和紧张 don like stress & nervous
生气时尖叫，大哭来吸引注意
乐天型者的需要/ They need to :

1． 不理处罚，但要得到很多爱，欣赏& 肯定
don care punishment, but need lots of love, appreciate & affirmation
2． 需要很多注意力，否则会尖叫，生气，失控
need attention, or else scream, anger, lost control
3． 需要很多社交活动
need lots of social activities
4． 需要增进节制能力，常要告诉他自我设限是为了得到所爱的人的爱，欣赏与肯定，可以有更
好的关系
 need to improve self control, tell him often this is for the love, appreciation & affirm
from the love one. & better relationship.
5． 需要学习去计划
need to learn planning
6． 害怕拒绝，需要接纳
afraid rejection need acceptance
7． 需学习用健康的方法处理生气，否则会乱喊乱叫
need to learn healthier way to deal with anger, or else will scream
8． 需要找一个与人交往的工作
need a
9． 当独自一人时可打电话，阅读与人有关系的书或看电视
when alone can make calls, read material related to people & relationship or watch TV
10． 认识自己的性格
learn about self character
11． 学习不冲动，多想言语行为会带来的后果
learn to not be
12． 需要从配偶身上得到很多肢体上的接触
need to have physical contact with spouse

3.激进型/aggressive type

社交/social：
开放，友善，自信 open, kind, confident 能把工作做得很好 can do a good work
外向，乐观，完美主义 outgoing, lotte, 迅速 fast
perfectionist 尖锐 sharp
脾气暴躁 hot temper 不能放下权力
会操纵人 controlling
很会激励人 encouraging
喜欢掌控 like to be in control
会 burn-out
意志力/willpower：
信念坚强 s 喜欢权力 like power
好领袖 good leader 喜欢控制人 like controlling other
直接做决定 make decision straight 独立 independent
负责任 responsible 要有成就感&得到别人的肯定 need to feel
意志力很强，不屈不扰 strong willpower success & affirmation from other
容易生气 easily angry
残忍 cruel
不择手段
感情/feeling：
善于表达但通常是有目的的 good in expressing 自我中心 self centre
self but most of the time is with other 认为同情，温柔，温暖是无意义的
intention 不同情弱小 not showing sympathy to the weak
内心拒绝人，拒绝爱 reject ppl & love deep down 不能容忍懒惰，愚笨，思想狭窄 can’t tolerate
inside with laziness, stupidity & narrow thinking
对不听话的人会残忍 cruel with rebellion 生气时有暴力倾向
不太投入感情
要别人以他的方式行事 need other to follow his
way
不易宽恕别人 not easily forgive
如何与激进型者沟通/ How to communicate with them :

1. 不要逼他去社交
don’t force him to social
2. 不要告诉他去做什么, 不要尝试去控制他，让他自己决定要做什么选择
don’t tell him what to do, don’t try to control him, let him decide what to choose
3. 他很需要有成就感，想办法让他满足这方面的需要
he need to feel successful, try to fulfill this need
4. 喜欢做决定和负责任，不要干扰他
like to make decision & take up the responsibility, don’t disturb him.
5. 学习和他们磋商，切忌硬碰硬
learn to
6. 跟着他的需要给爱和肯定
give love & affirmation accordingly
7. 为他们‘做’一些特别的事情来表示爱他
Do something special to express love to him
8. 当他有需要时协助他
help him when he need it

4.冷静型/ type

社交/social：
慢 slow 善分析 good in analysis
保留精力 store energy 旁观者
Task-oriented 有效率 efficient
精准 very accurate 善组织 good in organization
电脑型 computer type 随和，容易相处
弹性高 high flexibility
常用冷幽默/讽刺 like joke
固执 stubborn
意志力/willpower：
很少情绪问题 few emotional problem
很少破坏行为 few distraction behavior
不会苦毒，记恨 don’t
很实际
保守
喜爱和睦相处 love peace
尽量不要冲突 try to avoid conflict
不表达自己，不讲自己 don’t express or talk
about self
感情/feeling：
平静，通常内心平静 at peace even inside
似呼漠不关心 seem doesn’t care
不牺牲 not sacrifice
很少表达感情 seldom express feeling
很平衡 very stable
冷静型者的需要/ They need to：
内向&外向
可以很闷 can be very boring
对你也没什么兴趣&also not interested with u
可以应对激进型者 can cop with aggressive type
平稳 stable
小心谨慎 very careful
深思熟虑
独立 independent
可以做决定 can make decision
不会过分要求 no over request
实际
表达出很少爱和关怀 show little love & care
喜欢安宁平静的生活 enjoy peaceful & quiet
living

1． 投入生活，不只做旁观者
d
2． 在工作,休闲,食物及活动中维持一个平衡点