To be used with: Session Two "It's Not About Me"

Scriptures: 1 Samuel 24:1–22

Introduction
Anne Lamotte said "You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it
turns out that God hates all the same people you do." To be human is to have enemies. We either
know people we have a hard time loving, or we know people who have a hard time loving us, or
both. Jesus assumed we would have enemies when he said "Love your enemies and pray for
those who persecute you" (Matt.5:44). The question is not whether or not we have enemies. The
issue is whether or not we will love and pursue them at great cost to ourselves. Let's read about
how king David responded to Saul even though he desired to take David's life.

[Read 1 Samuel 24:1–22]

We clearly see a collision in world views between these two men. Saul displayed his own fear,
paranoia, and jealousy toward David. David acts in humility and courage in how he handles
Saul's opposition. This story is a wonderful example of what it means to pursue our enemies and
live out the truth: It's not about me! I want to show you four truths that can help all of us resolve
conflict between us and those who may oppose us.

I: Resist harming those who oppose You (vv. 4–7)

David's men sought to persuade David to attack Saul. "Here is the day of which the Lord said to
you,'Behold, I will give your enemy into your hand, and you shall do to him as it shall seem
good to you'" (v.4). In all fairness, David had every right to harm Saul since David was now the
rightful king of Israel. He even buys into this idea by sneaking near Saul and cutting off a piece
of his robe. But afterward David's heart struck him. He would not seek the harm of the Lord's
anointed king. David is affirming Saul's worth and respecting that though he is a flawed and
sinful man, yet he is still the king God initially chose for Israel.

This is an important point for us as we deal with conflict. It's not about us! We so quickly see the
hurt others cause us and the pain they have inflicted on us, and we forget many sacred truths
about them. They are created God's image. If they are Christians, Christ redeemed and purchased
them. If they are not Christians, they desperately need the Gospel. If we could see past the hurt,
our hearts should be struck. We will want to move toward them and display humility and
patience.

We must also be aware that others may urge us to listen to our natural instincts to fight back.
Even well-intentioned Christians may encourage us to fight with the weapons of this world. We
must be careful to heed any advice that may hinder reconciliation and growth between us and
those who oppose us. How easy would it be to write someone off when perhaps God is doing
something bigger in both our lives!
Application: In what ways are you only seeing the hurt someone is causing you? How can you
affirm their worth and value as a person created in the image of God?

II: Make the first move to reconcile (vv. 8-15)

David seeks reconciliation with Saul. At great cost and risk to himself, he pursued Saul to clarify
and resolve the situation. Saul need not fear David. Saul need not believe the lie that David was
his enemy. David wanted to clarify this. Saul should fear David as he should fear a dead dog or a
flea (v. 15).

This is how we should approach our enemies. Sitting back and waiting for them to make the first
move feels natural and justified. But God gives us the strength and courage to move toward our
enemies first. David is helpful here for a two reasons. First, he confronts Saul's paranoia. He
says, "Why do you listen to the words of men who say, 'Behold, David seeks your harm?'" (v. 9).
Often conflicts arise because of what we heard about someone or what they heard about us. We
have no evidence that David wanted to harm Saul. Saul believed a lie. David gently confronted
him on this.

Second, David clarifies his intentions with Saul. He meant him no harm. "But my hand shall not
be against you" (v. 13). The longer a conflict festers and grows, the more slanted our views of
others become. What began as a small point of contention can turn into a major misconception.
We must seek to clarify our motives and intent as we pursue others and seek to reconcile with
them.

Application: Who are you avoiding that you should pursue? Are you waiting on them to move
first? Why not rather go to them, clarify the situation and gently confront what has perhaps
turned into a misconception?

III: Agree to do each other good (vv. 16–22)

David and Saul reached an agreement. While Saul's promise will only be temporary (1 Sam. 26),
David would keep his word to Saul. He would do Saul and his house good as long as he was
king. We see evidence of this in how David responds to Saul's death (2 Sam. 1:17–27) as well as
the story of Mephibosheth (2 Sam. 9).

Evidence of true reconciliation is continuing love and goodness. Conflict always gives us a
chance to get closer to one another, grow in our own understanding of ourselves and others, and
glorify our God. If a genuine commitment to do one another good is not reached, then
reconciliation has not taken place. C.S. Lewis said, "Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea
until he has something to forgive" (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity). Many of us love the idea of
reconciliation and doing good to our enemies, but when we have to do it, we see our true
intentions and motivations.
Application: Why are we so reluctant to do good to those who have opposed us? How can we
overcome this and truly seek the good of others? Are you committed to the good of those who
previously opposed you?

Conclusion
It's not about me! David is a great example of what this looks like in real time. He resisted
harming Saul, he moved first, and he sought the good of his enemy. We have much to learn from
David. Unfortunately we know there were times in David's life where he thought it was about
him. We can look after other episodes in his life and conclude that he is not a perfect model
always.

However, there is a Greater David. Jesus Christ is the True King, who, at infinite cost to Himself
pursued us by dying and rising in our place. God's Son became God's enemy on the cross to
make us, God's enemies, into God's sons and daughters. Romans 5:8 says, "God shows his love
for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." We were enemies with God, but He
resisted harming us, He moved first, and He is now committed to our good in all things (Rom.
8:28).

When this truth resonates in our hearts we can move toward each other with humility and
patience. We can truly understand that it's not about us.

Greg Breazeale is pastor of Metro East Baptist Church, Wichita, Kansas.

To be used with: Session Three "Stand Down"

Alternate title: "You Can Always Get What You Want"
Scriptures: Genesis 13:1–18

Introduction Option 1: You Can Always Get What You Want

The Rolling Stones sang, "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well
you just might find, you get what you need." Many of us think this way. There are things that we
want, even demand, that we know we will never get. But biblically speaking, you can always get
what you want. What do I mean? When your heart is aligned with God's heart, when He is
enough for you, you only want what He wants to give you. Of course you pray, seek, and labor
for some things that will never come to pass, but in the end you are content with God whatever
God decided for your life. He is your portion. You say with the Psalmist "Whom have I in
heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you" (Ps. 73:25). Abraham
understood this and it enabled him to stand down when faced with a conflict with Lot. Let's read
our text and see what we can learn.

Introduction Option 2: Melting into God's Will

Jeremiah Burroughs said contentment comes

This is a very different understanding of contentment. Only when we are satisfied in God, and
God alone, will we be content and be able to embrace whatever He sends our way with joy and
patience. Abraham understood this and it enabled him to stand down when faced with a conflict
with Lot. Let's read our text and see what we can learn from Abraham.

[Read Genesis 13:1–18]

We learned in our small groups this week that we don't have to get our way to solve a conflict. In
fact, the quicker we are willing to stand down and refuse to die on every hill, the quicker the
situation can be resolved. From this story we learn four key elements to handling conflict.

I: Having much can sometimes cause conflicts (vv.1–7)

This conflict between Abraham and Lot arose because of the physical blessings they received.
Each of them possessed many flocks, servants, and herds. This put a strain on the land and
caused strife between the herdsmen (v. 7). Verse 6 tells us "their possessions were so great that
they could not dwell together."

Many of us tend to think more is always better. If we had more money or time or friends, we
would be happier and at peace. But rarely is that the case! We tend to put joy on hold until we
obtain some goal that we think we must achieve. But we get there only to find out that we desire
even more or what we pursued isn't all we hoped it would be. Men often pursue a promotion only
to find themselves getting home much later, sleeping less, and devoting less time to their family
and church. Conflict can arise over having much.

Application: Are you pursuing something right now that may cause conflict with your family,
friends, or church later? Why must you have this possession, reward, or possession?

II: Value people over possessions (vv. 1–9)

Abraham would rather not be with Lot than be at odds with him. This is an important truth.
Abraham yields to Lot's choice of any part of the land Lot desires. He stands down. He does not
have to win this battle. He says, "Separate yourself from me. If you take the left hand, then I will
go to the right, or if you take the right hand, then I will go to the left" (v.9). Abraham appears to
value Lot over the land. He refuses to let possessions trump his love for a person.

Part of learning to stand down comes from recognizing the value of people. People matter more
than possessions. We may get what we want at times, but in the process lose the person. Thomas
Watson, the founder of IBM, entered a meeting once where many of the companies problems
were being discussed. On the table sat a stack of papers which identified some of the biggest
threats to their future success. After much discussion Watson walked over to the pile and swept
his hand through the pile sending papers all over the room. He said, "There aren't categories of
problems here. There's just one problem: Some of us aren't paying enough attention to our
customers." He then turned and walked out (Hans Finzel, Top Ten Mistakes Leaders Make, 49).
People matter. And they matter more than possessions.

Application: Are you focusing on possessions and achievements at the cost of people? Imagine
how many conflicts might be resolved if we focused on relating well to each other and standing
down to avoid severing the relationship.

III: Learn the danger of greener grass (vv.10–13)

Lot chose greener pastures, literally! The lush and fertile land of the Jordan Valley drew his
attention. The writer indicates that this was before the Lord destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah
(v.10), and that the men of Sodom were wicked (v.13). We get an indication that this was the
wrong decision for Lot. Abraham does not seem to care which land he gets. The allure and
beauty of the  land did not appeal to him.

What appears to be a better situation can, in the end, bring us great harm. We must guard against
thinking that the "grass is greener on the other side." This can be a source of pain and frustration
for us, and it can cause much turmoil in our relationships.

Application: Guard against thinking that bigger is always better. Meditate on Philippians 4:11–
13 and how Paul was content in any and every circumstance.

IV: Rest in God's provision (vv. 13–18)

God had a plan and a place for Abraham. The Lord would provide. Abraham trusted this. We see
his trust displayed when he built an altar to the Lord. He believed God would make good on His
promises (Gen. 12:1–7). He didn't feel the need to fight with Lot or battle for his own
preferences. This is contentment in action.

As Christians we have the ultimate provision from God. We don't necessarily have a piece of
land; we have a Person. God gave His Son for us. He died and rose again to secure our place
with Him (Jn. 14:1-4). That is why we can be content. We have Him as our portion and treasure.

Application: Are you able to trust God's provision? Do you believe God has a plan and a place
for because of what Christ did (Rom. 8:28–29)? Will you rest content in Him?
Conclusion
[Recap main points]

You don't have to get your way to solve a conflict. God has a better way. Stand down. Trust
Him. Look to Christ as your joy. Find your contentment in Him.

Greg Breazeale is pastor of Metro East Baptist Church, Wichita, Kansas.

To be used with: Session One "Even Christians Collide"

Alternate title: What Is Necessary?
Scriptures: Luke 10:38-42

Introduction
"And Jesus said to him, 'You go, and do likewise'" (Lk. 10:37 ESV). These words of Jesus come
immediately before the story of Mary and Martha in Luke's narrative. The emphasis in Luke 10–
11 seems to be on doing, whether it be; evangelizing (10:1-12), repenting (10:12–15), helping
your neighbor, who might even be your enemy (10:25–37), praying (11:1–13), and obeying
God's word (11:28). One might naturally take sides with Martha and think that she is quite
justified in her frustrations with Mary, and perhaps even Jesus. After all, the need in our world is
great! One could easily point to the vast number of those with no knowledge of the Gospel, no
Bible in their language, and no Christian living among them. David Platt says there are 4.5 billon
people who "if the Gospel is true, at this moment are separated from God in their sin and
a(assuming nothing changes) will spend an eternity in hell" (David Platt, Radical, 76). Others
may point to the condition of many churches in this country and the mounting opposition to the
Gospel that seems to make headlines every day. We have work to do!

[Read Luke 10:38–42]

Many of us resonate with Martha in this story. But while Jesus confirms that some things must
be done, one necessary thing is elevated above them all. We see in this story a conflict. The
conflict is not between two enemies or two co-workers. Rather, two sisters who love Jesus, and
who want to honor Him, are disagreeing over how this should be done. As you learned in your
small group, the issue here is priorities rather than visible sin or disobedience. Three things stand
out in this passage. First, where they agreed. Second, where they disagreed. And third, the
resolution of Jesus.

I. Where they agreed (vv. 39–40)

Mary and Martha agreed on one thing: Jesus. Mary wanted to sit at his feet and hear his teaching.
Martha apparently wanted to be sure all the preparations remained in order. You might say Mary
focused more on being with Jesus, while Martha devoted her attention to doing things for Jesus.
Neither of these are bad or sinful. The motives and intentions, as far as we know, were pure. This
was not the source of their conflict.

When Christians disagree over a particular area of ministry, theology, methodology, or practice,
they are rarely arguing over which one loves Jesus the most. They are not questioning each
other's intent or motives, though it may appear that way on the surface. Most often when
Christians disagree or dispute with one another, it is precisely because each of them love Jesus
and want to honor Him. In fact, their love of Jesus is what is driving them to disagree on a given
issue.  When part of a congregation wants to use particular funds for missions while another
wants to pour the funds into the worship ministry, both of them are expressing their concerns out
of love for Christ. All biblical Christians agree that Jesus should be the focus of our lives. That is
not up for debate. The Apostle Paul declared that as long as Christ was proclaimed, he had
reason for rejoicing (Phil. 1:18).

Application: Have you ever questioned someone's love for Christ when they disagree with you
about an area of ministry or practice? How can you celebrate one another's passion for Christ
rather than calling it into question? When in conflict with other Christians, be sure to identify
areas where you agree despite the conflict.

II. Where they disagreed (v. 40)

While Mary and Martha both loved and treasured Jesus, they disagreed as to how to express their
affection for Him. In fact, Martha sternly expressed her disapproval with Mary over her apparent
lack of concern for the tasks at hand. While Mary does not seem to push back against this, it is
clear that whatever Martha was doing, she had no interest in joining her.

This story is a window into the heart of many Christians. When disputes arise between two
Christians who love the Lord, they often center around how to best love Him! Larry Osborne
refers to this as gift projection. He says, "Gift projection takes place whenever we begin to
project our own unique gifts and callings upon everyone else, as if our assignment should be
their assignment, and our strengths their strengths. At is core, its an arrogant assumption that my
calling is the highest calling, and my gifts are the best gifts" (Larry Osborne, The Contrarian's
Guide to Spirituality, 144).
Ouch! How many of us are guilty of this in the church today without even knowing it? God is
clear about what should be a universal passion for all Christians. We all are called to love Him,
obey His commands, and pursue holiness. But If our passion is worship and singing, we may
think everyone's passion should be worship and singing. If we are called to plant a new
congregation in a influential city, we may think all Christians should do the same.

Application: What are some things that all Christians should pursue? What are some things that
only some Christians should pursue? How can we be more patient and humble when someone
does not share our same gifts or passions?

III. The resolution of Jesus (vv.41–42)

Jesus, in the most gentle and winsome way, resolved the conflict between Mary and Martha. At
first glance it appears he sided with Mary. But notice he never told Martha to stop doing what
she was doing. Rather, he pointed to the fact that she was "anxious and troubled about many
things" (v. 41). He never told her to stop doing these things. His concern was her heart. Being
with Him mattered the most. Listening to Him was essential. The meal, the preparations, the
house, and the material things would all be perish one day. But knowing Jesus and being in His
presence could never be lost.

One must be careful not to rebuke the Marthas of the church in favor of the Marys. Work has to
be done. Jesus is not undermining the need to do things. He is simply pointing to what should be
the guiding purpose of our lives; being with Him. Our eyes cannot be fixed mainly on what we
do, but rather on Him and what He's done for us. He died for us. He rose again. He is returning
one day to renew all things. This is the work that should capture our mind and hearts. When this
work, this Gospel work, is grabbing our attention, many of the conflicts we experience can be
resolved. Only then can the work we do for Him fall into its proper place in our hearts. Paul said,
"But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world
has been crucified to me, and I to the world" (Gal. 6:14). We boast in His work, not ours.

Application: How can the work of Christ get lost in the work we do for Him? I encourage you to
preach the Gospel to yourself daily and fix your mind on Christ's work. Only then can you
plunge into your work or particular area of passion with the peace and confidence you need.

Conclusion
Christians disagree. What should be done in the church, how money should be spent, and what
should be emphasized will continue to be a point of contention and disagreement. But we must
never lose sight of Christ and fail to behold the great work He accomplished for us. While this
does not answer all our questions about what should be done, it does give us a foundation to
relate to one another with kindness, humility, and love.

Maybe today you are experiencing conflict with another brother or sister in Christ over issues
similar to this. Will you look at the Gospel? Will you lift your eyes to Christ and what He's done
rather than what someone else should be doing? Only then can our conflicts move toward a
resolution.

Greg Breazeale is pastor of Metro East Baptist Church, Wichita, Kansas.