Plays for teenagers

*The play is free to use in the classroom or workshop. To

perform the play, you must request permission from
doug@freedrama.net and if you are charging admission there is a $40
royalty for 1-4 performances (this royalty is negotiable if you are
a school or funding raising for charity). The $40 royalty covers
multiple Freedrama.net one acts you use in the same performance.

GOSSIP By D. M. Larson from Freedrama.net for 5 actors

(2 m 3 f) (teen version)

Copyright © 2005, 2013

SCENE 1

(Play takes place in a makeshift school newspaper office.

BULA sits at her desk facing the audience and SKEETER is
sleeping under a table covered by newspapers)

BULA: Skeeeeeter! Where are you, boy?

SKEETER: [Crawls out from under a table] Yeah.

BULA: What you doin' down there?

SKEETER: Sleepin'.

BULA: Didn't you go home last night?

SKEETER: We had a deadline for the school paper. Pulled an

all nighter.

BULA: So you got the paper done? Where is it?

SKEETER: [Looks] Shoot. I knew I forgot something.

BULA: Now, Skeeter....

SKEETER: Oowa, baby. The "Now Skeeter" talk.

BULA: We have an obligation to the people of this school to

bring them news on a weekly basis. [SKEETER mouths the
speech as he sits and listens] We are this town's ear to the
world. They count on us to give them the news like no one
else can... You listenin' to me, Skeeter? [He even mouths
the last part]

SKEETER: Yes, ma'am.

BULA: How much of the paper we got done?

SKEETER: The front part's all done.

BULA: Then get it out there. The students are waiting.

SKEETER: [Mumbles to self] They all just love the school

paper. They love to wipe their... [Exits before we hear what
he is going to say]

BULA: Poor, Skeeter. This big time newspaper business is

hard on the boy. [Looks through paperwork on desk] Now let's
see. What do we have for next week's top story? Looks like
we're down to two: Where is the school nurse sneaking off to
during the day? Or who are the imaginary people the
principal is always talking to?  Wow. Where do we ever get
such good news? I'll bet no other school paper can boast
about these kind of headlines.

Monte the hall monitor rushes in with a fake gun.

MONTE: [runs in, gun out] Hold it! Police!

BULA: Ah!

MONTE: [laughs] Hey, Bula.

BULA: You scared me half to death.

MONTE: I know. [snickers]

BULA: What you want, Monte?

MONTE: You still paying a buck each for my hall monitor

reports?

BULA: A buck a story. Offer's still good.

MONTE: [proud] I've got five this week.

BULA: Five! That's a regular crime wave.

MONTE: You wouldn't believe what happens in these halls.  If

this keeps up, I may have to ask for an assistant.

BULA: Wouldn't that be something? [makes a note] That's a

story in itself.

MONTE: That's six bucks, then.

BULA: Fine. [Goes to purse] Six dollars. Don't you go spend

that all in one place.

[Monte exits]
BULA: [sarcastic] Boy, do I feel safe knowin' he's around.
[Types] Crime wave hits the halls of our school. Hide your
valuables. Monte the Hall Monitor says we had a record
number of incidents this week. He caught one group of kids
playing with firecrackers and trying to blow up the
chemistry lab.  He wrote over ten tickets for excessive
farting in the gym. And rescued some guy from a locker that
his girlfriend had stuffed in him.  He must have done
something pretty bad.  Girl power gone wild.  This school is
out of control.

KILABREW: [enters] Bula? How's you feeling today?

BULA: Fine, fine. Here to bring me the school health report?

KILABREW: Certainly. Oh, my.

BULA: What?

KILABREW: [examines BULA] You been getting enough vitamin C?

BULA: I... I don't know...

KILABREW: YOU DON'T KNOW. Don't toy with your health, Bula.
A healthy body is a temple for the gods.

BULA: I thought there was only one God?

KILABREW: You're so closed minded, Bula.

BULA: What you got for me, Kilabrew?

KILABREW: First, we have "This week's weight watch" by Nurse

Nancy Kilabrew.

BULA: You're not a nurse.  You're just a student assistant.

KILABREW: Whatever.  See, I weigh all the athletes and I

thought that would be something everyone would enjoy reading
about. Emma Rogers - gained 12 pounds. Patty May - lost 2
pounds. And a big congrats to Jane Graham - Lost 25 pounds.
And our football team's star lineman of the year, Billy Joe
Bugle - happily gained another 27 pounds on his way to a
school record 324 pound.

BULA: Anything else?

KILABREW: Got some great baby names for you. I asked the art
teacher, Mrs. Hicky, what she'd name her upcoming child. She
has settled on naming the kid after her favorite snack:
Goober if it's a boy.

BULA: And if it's a girl?

KILABEW: Raisinette.

BULA: Lovely.

KILABREW: That's six bucks.

BULA: Six? That's only two stories.

KILABREW: Four weight watchers and two baby names.

BULA: Five bucks then. The two names are for the same kid.

KILABREW: Fine. [BULA hands over $5] Oh, is that a bird I

hear. Cheap, cheap, cheap.

BULA: You can go away now.

KILABREW: Cheap, cheap, cheap. [Exits]

FANNY: [appears at door] Can I come in, Bula?

BULA: Why if it ain't Fanny Mae Alcott? How is my favorite

reporter today?

FANNY: [Excited] Favorite reporter? Oooh. That sounds good.

BULA: Well, you've been quite the news hounds lately.

FANNY: News hound. I like the sound of that too. The boys at
school have always said I've been a dog.

BULA: [Raises an eyebrow] Well...uh, what you have for me

today?

FANNY: Well, I was walkin' around looking for a story. I

went out behind the boys locker room. I always go there
hoping to... uh... talk with one of the boys. You know,
interview 'em after the big game. And if they ever win a
game, I'm gonna get the best darn interview. Losing don't
make good news.

BULA: You got a point here, Fanny? I'm a busy lady.

FANNY: I do. See, I heard some of them boys talking in the

locker room. They leave the window open cause it gets real
hot in there.

BULA: To the point, Fanny. A good reporter gets to the

point.

FANNY: [Hands over a report] Anyway, I got this. Don't know

if it's worth printin.'

BULA: This is good.

FANNY: You think so?

BULA: Top notch investigating.

FANNY: Gosh.

BULA: There's your dollar, darling. Enjoy.

FANNY: Wow. I feel just like Barbara Walters.

BULA: Keep it up and someday you just might be her.

FANNY: You really think so? I sure look up to her. Her and
Jerry Springer.

BULA: They're the biggies.

FANNY: I'll see you tomorrow.

BULA: Keep 'em coming, Fanny Mae.

FANNY: I will. I'm headed over to the boys swimming hole.

They got all kinds of interesting things going on over
there.

BULA: This will do fine on the society page. [Sits at

computer] Romance is a budding at the school. This week
Jimmy Joe Johnson's heart is a palpitating for none other
than Betty Sue Mall. Unfortunately he's feeling a bit shy
and can't figure out a way to tell Betty he's got those
special feelings for her. Don't you worry, though, Jimmy.
She'll know all about it soon enough. Best wishes to both of
you in this new found romance. Fanny Mae Alcott reporting.

END OF SCENE

HIPPIES, HOUSEWIVES, AND WATERING HOLES

By

D. M. Larson
Copyright (c) 2002

All Rights Reserved

 CAST OF CHARACTERS

LEROY: Old Texas rancher who is protecting his watering hole

MOLLY: His quiet housewife

MOON: A hippy who comes along to give Leroy a hard time about his habit of shooting things he
shouldn't

PLACE and TIME

A ranch in modern day Texas.

(Older Texas rancher makes angry entrance into the kitchen of his home. His wife MOLLY quietly
does housework and hardly reacts to his anger)

LEROY

(Drops rifle onto table. Out of breath)

I had to kill another one of them! This one broke down my fence.

MOLLY

(She speaks in an unenthusiastic monotone)

You'll get fined again.

LEROY

I can't believe they fined me $4,000 for the last one. The judge told me it was just a gentle reminder.
There was nothing gentle about it. I just can't sit there and let them take my water. This is the desert.
My cattle needs it. I can't go sharing it with every thirsty critter that thinks it needs some. I'm one
step ahead of 'em this time though. Buried it so nobody will know. No witnesses this time neither.

MOLLY

(Dogs barking. Sound of car driving up)

You sure? Who's that?

(Looking outside)

It's one of them Volkswagen vans. Got flowers and all kinds of stickers on it. Looks like a billboard.

LEROY

(Tries looking out)

I can't see nothing.

MOLLY

Get your glasses, dear.

LEROY

(Pats around on his shirt)

Where'd I put them?

MOLLY

There's someone getting out of the van. Got funny clothes on. Lots of colors.

LEROY
 (Finds glasses then looks out)

Holy J Spirit! It's that hippy from town.

MOLLY

What hippy?

LEROY

She was protesting about something outside the courthouse. Probably not enough tofu in town or
something. What's she want with me?

MOLLY

She's almost to the door.

LEROY

My gun ain't loaded! Where you keep the shells now?

MOLLY

In the cookie jar.

LEROY

(Rushes to cookie jar. Knocking at door)

Don't let her in.

MOLLY

Okay.

(More knocking)

You want me to tell her you're not home.

 LEROY

I'll shoot first and talk later.

(Open cookie jar)

We're out of bullets?!

MOLLY

Maybe I moved 'em.

LEROY

(In a panic)

Where?

MOLLY

(Shrugs. Unconcerned)

I don't know.

MOON

(MOON enters and is on the porch. Knocks and calls out)

I know you�re in there. I want to talk to you.

LEROY

Get out of here! You're trespassing!

(To MOLLY)

Call the sheriff.

MOLLY

Okay.

(Exits kitchen)
 MOON

My name's Moon Johnson. I represent the Legal Freedom League.

LEROY

Moon? What kind of name is that?

MOON

It's the name of a powerful woman who believes in herself to stand up against injustice.

LEROY

Do you mean the moon in the sky or the moon you get when you pull your pants down?

(Peaks out)

Judging by the look of you I'd pick the second.

MOON

That's it!

(She backs up and runs at door)

LEROY

(Pulls open door and MOON sails in and runs into table)

Don't bust my door!

(MOON heads for LEROY who backs away)

What do you want with me?

MOON

(Pulls out a chair)

Sit.
 (MOON shoves him down onto chair)

LEROY

(Rises)

I don't take orders in my own house.

MOON

(Shoves him down even harder)

I said sit.

LEROY

(Rubs shoulder)

Okay. I'm sitting.

MOLLY

(Enters)

I can't find the number for the sheriff, dear.

LEROY

It's 911!

(Tries to get up and is shoved down)

Run, Molly. Get out of here!

(MOLLY casually heads toward them not at all upset)

MOLLY

I got your lunch in the microwave. It's getting hard sitting in there.

LEROY
I don't care about my lunch!

MOLLY

See, you get all fussy when you don't eat.

(Pulls container out)

MOON

(Sniffs)

What is that?

MOLLY

Tripe on toast.

MOON

Tripe?! Isn't that? Wait, I don't want to know.

LEROY

You let me go or my wife will feed it to you.

MOLLY

You hungry, Miss Moon? Got some lettuce and tomatoes. I could make a salad.

MOON

No, thank you. I just ate.

MOLLY

Tea maybe.
 MOON

Tea would be nice.

(MOLLY gets iced tea)

LEROY

(Gets up)

Molly, what are you doing?

(Shoved down)

Don't offer her nothing. She's a criminal.

MOON

The only criminal in here is you, my friend.

LEROY

You break into my home and you call me a criminal.

MOON

You opened the door and let me in fair and square. No breaking in.

LEROY

You were going to break down my door.

MOON

I was only going to knock forcefully.

LEROY

(Rises)

Give me my gun and I'll show you forceful.

 (Shoved down)

Stop doing that.

MOON

Then stop getting up.

MOLLY

(Hands MOON glass. Friendly and not so distant)

Here's your tea, Miss Moon. Care for a slice of lemon?

MOON

Sure, that would be lovely.

LEROY

Stop being nice to her.

MOON

Shut up, you or I'll shove you on the floor.

LEROY

See, Molly. She�s threatening me.

MOLLY

Yes, dear.

(Smiles as she gives her lemon)

There you go.

LEROY
So what do you want?

MOON

I can't believe it. He doesn't even know. What a waste of food...

(Takes a sip of tea)

LEROY

(MOLLY snickers then tries to hide it as a cough)

Molly! Did you just laugh?

MOLLY

No, dear. Just got a tickle in my throat.

LEROY

You better not laugh at me or I'll smack you so hard you'll have to take a bus back from
Albuquerque.

MOON

I�ll be doing all the smacking around here.

LEROY

See, she just threatened me again.

MOLLY

More iced tea?

MOON

You can top off my glass. That's wonderful tea. How do you make it?
 LEROY

I can't believe this. I'm getting tortured and you're discussing tea.

MOLLY

(Smiles a little)

It's moon tea.

MOON

(Laughs)

I heard of sun tea, but moon tea?

(LEROY crosses his arms and scowls)

MOLLY

Old family recipe. Learned it from my grandma.

LEROY

I can't believe you'd give this pinko skirt our moon tea.

MOON

Did you just call me a skirt? I think I just stepped back into the 1950's.

LEROY

Can we get this over with? I've got chores to do.

MOON

I'm not leaving until you see the error of your ways.
 LEROY

What are you talking about?

MOLLY

I think this is about that newspaper, dear.

MOON

Give the lady a prize.

LEROY

Oh, that stupid article in the papers. I got my punishment. I don't know why everyone has to make
big news out of it.

MOON

That was no punishment. That was only a little slap on the hand.

LEROY

It was four thousand dollars! You call that a slap on the hand?

MOON

How can you not see how horrible this is?

MOLLY

Can I say something?

MOON
Please do.

MOLLY
 (Reluctantly goes up to LEROY)

Now, Leroy. Can't you see why this lady is upset?

LEROY

Cause we don't have any cookies and ice cream?

MOLLY

Leroy. What you did was wrong.

LEROY

What did you say?

(He rises threateningly. MOON pushes him back down)

Ow!

MOON
She talks. You listen.

MOLLY

Leroy, killing ain't right.

LEROY

What are you saying, Molly? You think I'm wrong?

MOLLY

Maybe.

LEROY

Who are you and who took my wife? Who took my quiet little woman who cooks and cleans and
gives me foot rubs?
 MOON

(Disgusted)

Foot rubs?

MOLLY

How can you do something so horrible?

LEROY

What's so horrible about what I did? I was merely taking out the trash and cleaning up this sorry
society of ours. I'm sick and tired of hearing about tolerance and equality. Where does that leave me?
Where's the tolerance for me? Where's my equality?!

(Sighs and calms a bit)

Life used to be so much easier when I was a boy. We knew who to like and who to hate.

MOON

Things change.

LEROY

But I don't what them to change. Don't you get it? I like things the way they are.

MOLLY

But some of us don't, Leroy.

(MOLLY leaves crying)

LEROY

(Rises to go after her)

Molly, wait.

(MOON doesn�t stop him, but then he sits down upset)

Why do things have to change? Why can't they just leave me alone?

MOON

All they want is a little water. Not money, not a job... just water. And what do you do?

LEROY

(Quietly)

I kill them.

MOON

I believe the word is murder.

LEROY

Look. I've already been on trial. Why don't you take it up with the judge?

MOON

He's next on my list.

LEROY

So what are you going to do with me?

MOON

I'd leave you with your conscience to torture you, but since you don't seem to have one, I have this.

(Hands him a paper)

LEROY

(Squints)

What is it?
 MOON

A boycott on your cattle.

LEROY

What?

MOON

We are calling for a nationwide boycott on your cattle. Any meat packing company that buys your
beef will also be subject to a boycott.

LEROY

You and what army?

MOON

Us and Oprah, that's who.

LEROY

You wouldn't?

MOON

Farewell, Leroy. Nice talking to you. I'll say hi to the judge for you.

(MOON exits)

LEROY

Molly? Molly, come here. We got to call and warn the judge.

(Upset)

And we got to call Charlie. Got to make sure they didn't get to him. He's my biggest buyer. I'm sure
he wouldn't stop buying my cattle cause of this little thing.
 (MOLLY appears with her hat, coat and suitcase)

Molly? What are you doing?

MOLLY

I'm going to be on Oprah.

(MOLLY exits. LEROY stands there stunned)

LEROY

(Watches helplessly)

Don't get in that van with her! Molly! Nooo!

(Runs out after her and lights fade to black)

END OF PLAY
 The Romanian Uranium Mystery
(A Mystery Dinner Theatre Experience)

By D. M. Larson

Copyright (c) 2001 All Rights Reserved

*The play is free to use in the classroom, audition, competition or workshop. To perform the play,
you must request permission from doug@freedrama.net and if you are charging admission there is a
$40 royalty for 1-4 performances (this royalty is negotiable if you are a school or funding raising for
charity).

SCRIPTED PART OF SHOW

Food Course 1 (on table as enter)

Prescene: Inspector Clueles

Scene 1: Milan International Airport

Scene 2: Protest at the Mission

Food Course 2

Scene 3: Death by Appetizers

Food Course 3: Dinner

IMPROV PART OF SHOW

Scene 5 (Clues and Grilling: Audience members will inspect clues and ask the suspects questions.
The audience then makes their guesses on paper and turns this in)

Food Course 4: Dessert

Scene 6: Who Dunnit? (The killer is revealed and they make their confession)

CAST OF CHARACTERS

BUFFY BEAUMONT: Washed up cheerleader draws a Romanian count by promise of riches

JULIET REDHEART: Activist against the uranium mine comes out and does little protest speeches

INSPECTOR CLUELES: European detective who poses as Richard Ranche, a Romanian Count who
has been asked to invest in uranium mines.
BUSYBODY: Business person says she has mine investment going but it is just a scam to get money

GOLDY DIGGER: Owner of uranium mine a flamboyant individual

WENDY the waitress: A ditsy chick who continually bugs the audience with wrong orders and
regrets it when she finally gets one right.

DEE LIVERY: A kid who delivers

COUNTESS: The Counts's wife who shows up unexpectedly.

PRESCENE

CLUELES: I am Inspector Clueles' of the INTERPOO [Inter-P Double O]. You haven't heard of
INTERPOO? It is the International Patrol of Offenses. I am following one of the biggest scams of all
time. There are these people in New Mexico, a small country just South of the United States. What is
so funny? Is that not right? Anyway, these New Mexicans are drawing investors from all over the
world. Luring them to this small town called Grants to steal their money. I have been sent to pose as
their latest victim Richard Ranche, Count of a small region on the Romanian-French border. Count
Ranche has promised to give one million Romanian Lei to the person who catches the one who is
after him. That's right. You can win one million Lei! You can be a Romanian millionaire or buy
yourself dinner in the United States. Now, you here will help me catch the killer. I will make you
INTERPOO honorary detectives. Please raise your hand... no the other one and repeat after me. I
promise to uphold the rules of the POO, to live by the POO, and to die by the POO. You got that?
Good. Now let's get started before the POO hits the fan.

Here are the rules: 1) Must figure out three things: the criminal and the motive;

2) You can not violate the out of bounds area.

3) Relate only to the characters as characters [If you think they look like someone you know ,you are
wrong]

4) Prize: 1 million Romanian Lei! Which will about pay for your dinner.

SCENE 1: MILAN AIRPORT

BUFFY: (Has a welcome sign that says Howdy, Welcome Count) Where is he? I thought for sure
he'd be on this plane. I mean how many planes do we get from Romania at the Milan airport. I am so
excited about this. He seems so excited to be seeing me. His letters were so lovely. And I'm just sure
my letters have his heart in a flutter. (Her happiness turns to annoyance) Why isn't he coming off?
Probably some stewardess has discovered he's a millionaire and is sinking her claws into him as we
speak. (Sees REDHEART approaching) What are doing here, Redheart?

REDHEART: (Has a sign that says Go Home Count) I'm here to protest the arrival of another one of
the rapists of the land coming to rip Uranium out of our precious Mother Earth.

BUFFY: Overdramatic as usual, aren't we Juliet?

REDHEART: And I see you're as heartless as ever, Buffy.

BUFFY: Why don't you go away before I call the police?

REDHEART: I have every right to be here.

BUFFY: And I have every right to smack you up side the head.

REDHEART: I'd like to see you try.

BUFFY: (Gets ready to fight) I've wanted to do this ever since high school.

REDHEART: (Gets ready to fight back) I haven't wanted to do this so bad since high school.

BUFFY: I'll punch you right in your brainy, nerdy little nose.

REDHEART: I'll kick your big washed up cheerleader butt.

BUFFY: Geek!

REDHEART: Airhead! (They start hitting each other with their signs)

CLUELES: (Rushes in and separates them) Oh, goodness. Please stop. This is terrible.

REDHEART: She started it.

BUFFY: And I'm going to finish it!

CLUELES: Ladies, please. (They stop) Are you Miss Booffy Beaumont?

BUFFY: (Not friendly) Why? Who's asking?

CLUELES: I am Count Richard Ranche.

BUFFY: (Suddenly gushes with friendliness) Oh, County. It's so wonderful that you've made it.

CLUELES: (Kisses hand of REDHEART) And who is this lovely lady?

BUFFY: No one important. She was just leaving.

REDHEART: I'm not leaving until I am heard!

BUFFY: The only thing I want to hear is the sound of you leaving.

REDHEART: Now, look, you two-bit Vanna White wannabe

CLUELES: Ladies, please. Let's not fight.

REDHEART: I will go if you agree to read my pamphlet on why Uranium mining is harmful to
every person, place and thing on this Earth.

CLUELES: Why sure, I would be happy to read (REDHEART hands him a huge book) This is a
pamphlet?

REDHEART: Just a little something I threw together.

CLUELES: I'd hate to see one of your books.

REDHEART: Farewell, for now. (Exits after giving BUFFY a dirty look)

CLUELES: So you are Buffy?

BUFFY: Of course it's me, silly. Don't you recognize my picture?

CLUELES: (Holds up picture) Well, uh...

BUFFY: (Takes picture) So I don't exactly look like Marilyn Monroe to you, but many people have
said I am her reincarnation.

CLUELES: I didn't think it was you because you are much more beautiful than the woman in this
picture.

BUFFY: (Squeals with happiness) Oh, you sweet talker you! If you were any sweeter I'd have to cut
you up and sell you as candy.

CLUELES: Cut me up?

BUFFY: Oh, I know. You're confused by all our strange American words and our strange American
ways. But I have done some study on your country and I am well prepared to be your cultural guide.
CLUELES: Uh,

BUFFY: Now you must trust me. There are many dangerous people here.

CLUELES: Dangerous?

BUFFY: Trust no one except me of course. All these people are after your money.

CLUELES': My money?

BUFFY: They will stop at nothing to take it from you. So you must be very, very careful. (Pauses)
Speaking of money. Do you have the money with you?

CLUELES': Yes, I have one million Lei, just liked you asked.

BUFFY: Where is it? I'll keep it for you.

CLUELES: No, it is safe.

BUFFY: Don't you trust me?

CLUELES: Yes, but I must be careful. Like you said, it is dangerous here.

BUFFY: Are you hungry?

CLUELES: Always.

BUFFY: As part of my cultural research, I learned to make several Romanian dishes. (Gets a plate
of food) I made Sarmale.

CLUELES: Oh? Sarmale. (Looks at it cautiously. Tries to look excited) I love Sarmale.

BUFFY: Here you go... (CLUELES takes a bit then coughs, then chokes. BUFFY only looks a little
concerned) You okay?

CLUELES: No, (Choking)

BUFFY: Do you want me to hold your money while you go take care of that?
CLUELES: Hot!

BUFFY: Oh, is it too hot?

CLUELES: (Choking) Water

BUFFY: (Hopeful) Now where can I find some water?

CLUELES: In bag. Hurry.

BUFFY: (Sighs. Takes her time. Finds a bottle of shaving cream) Is this it? (He shakes head no.
Holds up another bottle) This it? (He snatches it out of her hand and takes it. He calms down)
What's with you anyway?

CLUELES: I thought I was going to die.

BUFFY: The green chile wasn't that hot was it?

CLUELES: Who puts green chile on Sarmale?

BUFFY: Oh, I just love green chile. I put it on everything.

CLUELES: Remind me not to eat at your house.

BUFFY: Oh, silly me. I'm so sorry. (Pats him on shoulder) You don't look so good. Do you need a
doctor?

CLUELES: No, I'll be okay.

BUFFY: (Looks at bottle) Do you need more water? (He nods his head) I'll take you to the restaurant
and get you some nice cool ice water. I'll go get the car. (BUFFY exits)

CLUELES: This mission may be more dangerous than I thought. This Booffy is most interesting. Booffy
has a history of bad deals since high school. In high school, she was very popular. Captain of the
cheergirls, Queen of the PomPom. But nothing has worked for her since. Booffy is very suspicious. First
the strange chile and she also seems very anxious to know about the money. Maybe one million Lei is a
lot of money in New Mexico. I certainly know it isn't in the United States. At this point in time, Booffy
Beaumont is my leading suspect. Then there's this Juliet Redheart. Now Juliet Redheart, that protesting
woman, is not what she seems. See, she is actually a millionaire with a lot of time on her hands. See, she
is the inventor of some little gadget that people use in their hair, or was it their nose? Doesn't matter. She
is very rich from this. So she spends her time fighting for one cause or another. Her record shows many
arrests and this concerns me. At this point, Juliet Redheart is my leading suspect.

SCENE 2: PROTEST AT THE RESTAURANT

REDHEART: Stop the mines! Don't build no bombs, man. (She realizes she isn't getting through)
Use dukes not nukes (sighs) I need a new slogan. Doesn't seem like anybody really cares anymore.
What ever happened to the protests, the action, the resistance Everyone quit fighting and got jobs.
They sold out, man. But not me. I'm here to fight. Fight for peace, man. Fight for keeping our land
pure and our air clean. Let's not let them dig up that uranium. Let's keep it in the ground and out of
our missile silos. Let's do the right thing people. Chant with me now! Use dukes not nukes. Use
dukes not nukes... (REDHEART marches around the room)

BUSYBODY: Hey, you. Juliet Redheart. Clear out of here.

REDHEART: No, way. This is a free country and I can be where I want to be.

BUSYBODY: This is a restaurant. You can't just barge in here and protest. They have a sign out
there that says they reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.

REDHEART: Hey, I have a shirt, I have shoes, I can be in here if I want to.

BUSYBODY: Fine. Stay then. See if I care. You can just stand there while I eat this beef jerky.

REDHEART: You wouldn't dare.

BUSYBODY: (Pulls out some jerky) Here it comes.

REDHEART: No, please don't.

BUSYBODY: I'm ready to sink my teeth into this luscious little hunk of animal.

REDHEART: No, I can't look.

BUSYBODY: Down the hatch.

REDHEART: Noooo. (Runs out)

BUSYBODY: (Laughs) That gets her every time. I don't think I've ever had to eat the jerky in front
of her. I hate the stuff actually, but it does the job. (Looks at watch)

Now where is everyone? That airplane should be here by now. I knew I should have picked up that
Romanian Count myself. I can't trust Buffy to do anything. If that woman had any more air in her
head, she could be in the Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta.

GOLDY: Sorry, I'm late. I'm on a committee to plan next year's Flame and Frost bike rally.

BUSYBODY: Fire and Ice.

GOLDY: Whatever. I just love all those bikers. It's so exciting. So has the Count arrived? I've been
counting on it.

(Laughs at own joke)

BUSYBODY: (Rolls eyes) No, he isn't here yet. I wonder what's keeping Buffy. I knew I should
have gone instead but she wouldn't tell me what time his plane was arriving. I'm worried she's up to
no good.

GOLDY: I wouldn't count her out. (Laughs)

BUSYBODY: Will you stop?

GOLDY: Sorry.

BUSYBODY: Now do you have the deed to your property?

GOLDY: I think so. (Searches)

BUSYBODY: Don't lose it.

GOLDY: I didn't lose it. I don't think so anyway.

BUSYBODY: Maybe I should hold it for you.

GOLDY: (Remembers. Pulls it out of handbag. It's rolled and has a pretty pink bow on it) Here it is.

BUSYBODY: Never mind. You can hold it.

GOLDY: So do you think my Uranium mine is worth millions?

BUSYBODY: This Romanian is willing to invest millions in it.

GOLDY: I sure hope so. I really need the money. My uranium rock art isn't selling like I hoped it
would. I was sure it would get a glowing review. (Laughs)

REDHEART: (Enters chanting) Nukes make me Puke. Nukes make me Puke.

BUSYBODY: Hey! I thought I told you to get out of here.

REDHEART: It's a free country.

BUSYBODY: Only customers are allowed in here.

REDHEART: I am a customer. I bought a piece of pie. Nukes make me Puke. Nukes make me Puke.

BUSYBODY: You're disturbing the peace. I'm getting the police. (Starts to exits)

REDHEART: (Starts to follow BUSYBODY) Use Dukes not Nukes. Use Dukes not Nukes. (Stops
when BUSYBODY is gone)

GOLDY: Why did you go and do that, Juliet?

REDHEART: Why are you going to sell your land?

GOLDY: I really need the money. I'm very high maintenance. You can't look like this on a WalMart
budget.

REDHEART: They are going to destroy your land, Goldy.

GOLDY: No, Busybody said it will be okay.

REDHEART: Busybody is lying.

GOLDY: But I need the money. Being an artist doesn't pay the bills. If I don't get some money soon,
I'm going to lose it anyway.

REDHEART: What if I gave you the money?

GOLDY: What? You'd do that?

REDHEART: Name your price. Whatever the Romanian will pay, I'll double it.

GOLDY: We're talking millions.

REDHEART: I can get it.

GOLDY: Right now?

REDHEART: Monday, I promise.

GOLDY: But the Romanian has it now and I have this big party I have to attend tonight.

REDHEART: But it's the weekend. All the banks are closed. How can I get my hands on that much
money now? Give me a little time, Goldy. I'll get the money.

GOLDY: I don't know. Busybody will be really mad at me if I sell it to you.

REDHEART: Why? What does Busybody get out of it?

GOLDY: That's, that's a secret.

REDHEART: Goldy, Busybody can't be trusted.

GOLDY: I've got to go.

REDHEART: Please, give me time. I'll get that money.

GOLDY: I don't know. (They exit)

CLUELES: Very mysterious indeed. Busybody is a leading merchant in this area. Managed to make
a fortune by working deals with landowners in the county. Turned a barren interstate exit into a
thriving casino. Turned a swamp into a lakefront resort. Made an old mill into a factory, although I
don't see anything being produced. Now Busybody works with Goldy on the Uranium mine deal.
Goldy is desperate for money, since his art isn't paying. People do crazy things when they are
desperate for money. At this point, these two are my leading suspects.

FOOD COURSE 1

SCENE 3: DEATH BY APPETIZERS

BUFFY: Here we are, Richard. This is the lovely restaurant I was telling you about. We will be
meeting the others here.

CLUELES: Very nice. Reminds me of a French cafe' not far from my home.

BUFFY: I thought you were Romanian.

CLUELES: (Thinks fast) Well, yes, I am. We do have French caf's in Romania just like you have
Chinese restaurants here.

BUFFY: Oh, I see Now remember what I told you. These people can't be trusted. They'll rob you
blind. I, on the other hand will protect your money, I mean you. (Sees BUSYBODY) Oh, no. Here
comes Busybody.

BUSYBODY: Buffy. There you are. You are way off schedule.
BUFFY: Chill out, Busybody. Don't get your briefs in a bunch.

BUSYBODY: So this is the Count. (Holds out hand) So nice to meet you. (CLUELES nods politely
and shakes his hand) Doesn't he speak English?

BUFFY: He does. He's just shy.

BUSYBODY: So how are we supposed to do the deal if he doesn't talk to me?

BUFFY: I will speak for him.

BUSYBODY: You've got to be kidding. You? You couldn't deal your way out of a bag.

BUFFY: Now look Busybody...

(CLUELES clears throat and motions Buffy over and whispers to her)

BUSYBODY: What did he say?

BUFFY: He said please leave Buffy alone.

BUSYBODY: I'll bet he did.

BUFFY: We don't like your attitude. Perhaps we should look for somewhere else to spend his
millions. (CLUELES nods in agreement and they start to go)

BUSYBODY: I'm sorry Count. Buffy and I have had a difficult relationship in the past, but this deal
has brought us together. We are looking out for your best interest and we're putting our differences
aside to do what's best for you and the community here.

(CLUELES wanders off to check out art in room)

BUSYBODY: He seems to have taken quite a liking to you. Don't let it go to your head. This is still
my deal.

BUFFY: Without me, you'd have no deal.

BUSYBODY: Just don't blow it or you can forget your share. So where is he keeping the money?

BUFFY: He keeps it with him at all times.

BUSYBODY: Perhaps I could keep it safe for him instead.

BUFFY: He won't let me keep it, so I doubt he'll let you.

BUSYBODY: (Goes to CLUELES) Nice meeting you. I'll see you a little later. (Exits)

BUFFY: I thought that went rather well.

CLUELES: Did it?

BUFFY: I'm letting them know they can't walk all over me.

CLUELES: So these people are not nice to you?

BUFFY: They are horrible to me. Ever since I got out of high school, they have treated me like I'm
nothing. But in high school, everyone worshipped me. I was the head cheerleader, I was Prom
Queen, and I was Miss Grants in the Miss New Mexico competition. If it hadn't been for that horrible
Miss Gallup and her musical I Have a Dream tribute, I would have been third runner up.

CLUELES: I am so sorry. This is very sad for you.

BUFFY: Not as sad as everyone else will be when I, I mean we get rich off this mining deal.
(GOLDY enters)

GOLDY: Did I hear someone say rich?

BUFFY: Oh, hi, Goldy. Goldy, this is Count CLUELES'.

GOLDY: The count himself. I was counting on you to show up. (Laughs) Get it? Counting on you?

CLUELES: (Laughs) Yes, very funny.

GOLDY: It's nice to meet you, Count.

BUFFY: (To CLUELES) Goldy is the owner of the mine. (CLUELES nods and wanders off)

GOLDY: This deal means the world to me. That land has been in my family forever and has always
been bad luck. Finally, I see my luck turning around. So you see that you don't blow it, Buffy. I don't
know what I'll do if this doesn't work out, but I know I'll do something... desperate.

BUFFY: Now, Goldy. Calm down. Always the drama queen.

GOLDY: Busybody promised me this would be easy. This hasn't been easy at all.

BUFFY: If this deal goes through, there will be plenty for all of us. Let's not be greedy.

GOLDY: You're right, Buffy. But still. Busybody has been acting strange lately.

BUFFY: Strange? In what way?

GOLDY: I don't know. She's all, you know, angry. It makes me want nothing to do with her. And
now Juliet Redheart is offering to buy my mine.

BUFFY: You can't let her do that!

GOLDY: She said she'd pay double.

BUFFY: But you made a promise. You can't cut Busybody and I out of the deal like this. (Angry)
Oh, I could just kill that Juliet.

GOLDY: And Busybody will kill me if I take Juliet's money.

BUFFY: I'll help.

GOLDY: Maybe I better go.

BUFFY: No, wait. I'm only kidding. I promise we'll have a deal before the night is over. Let me talk
to the Count. I'm sure it will be a done deal. Hey! Maybe I can get him to beat Juliet's offer.
GOLDY: That would be great, Buffy!

BUFFY: Give me time. We'll make it work.

GOLDY: Thank you, Buffy. I can just taste those new Armani shoes I've been dreaming about.
(Exits)

CLUELES: (Goes up to BUFFY) Maybe this all was a bad idea. Every one seems so angry. Did I
hear you two talking about killing someone?

BUFFY: Don't be silly, County. I won't let anything bad happen to your money, or you.

REDHEART: (Enters) Two, four, six, eight. Close the mine and put up gates!

CLUELES: Oh, it's that nice lady from the airport.

BUFFY: Let me deal with her.

(CLUELES wanders off)

BUFFY: Oh, look. It's Juliet Bleedingheart.

REDHEART: Oh, hi, Buffy. How are you today?

BUFFY: Quit playing nice with me. I know you don't mean it.

REDHEART: Buffy, I've never hated you. I didn't even hate you in high school. You're the one who
did all the hating. And after all that I've done for you.

BUFFY: Juliet, please. You promised you wouldn't bring that up again.

REDHEART: Bring up what?

BUFFY: Ixnay on the ecretsay.

REDHEART: It's forgotten as long as you let me talk to the Count.

BUFFY: Why you little?

REDHEART: I seem to be recalling a moment from your past?

BUFFY: Juliet, you wouldn't dare.

REDHEART: (calls over CLUELES) Count Ranche? Did you get a chance to read my book?

CLUELES: Cover to cover. Very interesting.

REDHEART: So you can see why this deal can't go through.

BUFFY: The only thing he can see is an annoying person who is interfering with progress.

CLUELES: (Makes eyes at REDHEART) Is that what I see?

BUFFY: (Pulls him away) I thought I told you not to talk to anyone.
CLUELES: But she is so nice.

REDHEART: (Goes to them) You know, maybe she's right.

BUFFY: I am?

REDHEART: Keeping quiet is a good idea. You can't trust these people. They're all dishonest and
will rob you blind.

CLUELES: But I'm not blind. (REDHEART and CLUELES' laugh at his joke. BUFFY rolls her
eyes) You are very, how you say...

BUFFY: Annoying!

CLUELES': No, charming, that is the word.

REDHEART: How sweet.

BUFFY: Oh, he doesn't like sweets.

CLUELES: Perhaps this one sweet will be okay.

BUFFY: Hey! Now look!

REDHEART: Buffy? What's wrong?

BUFFY: I'll tell you what's wrong County? Will you excuse us a moment?

CLUELES': Sure. I need to use the little boy's room. (CLUELES pretends to exit but sits at a table
and hides)

REDHEART: What is with you, Buffy?

BUFFY: You know what's wrong (Mockingly) Oh, you're so sweet. (Mad) You make me sick. Isn't it
enough you've taken everything else from me, now you have to take this too?

REDHEART: Okay, I'm sorry to upset you, Buffy. And I'll back off on one condition.

BUFFY: What?

REDHEART: You get him to agree to stop the mining deal.

BUFFY: No way!

REDHEART: Fine, then prepare for a fight.

BUFFY: Oh, I'm scared. You going to hurt me, Juliet?

REDHEART: You know, I just might.

BUFFY: Is that a threat?

REDHEART: No, just a very lovely thought. See ya, Buffy. (Chants) Two, four, six, eight. It's the
nukes we really hate. (Marches out)
BUFFY: I hate that woman. I could just kill her! (Exits out)

CLUELES: A very telling statement, and so many threats tonight. I believe this is a formula for
murder!

REDHEART: (Enters with CLUELES) Count Ranche. I must speak to you. Let me tell you more
about the dangers of Uranium. (They exit together)

BUFFY: (Enters. Asks audience members) Did I just see that Bloodheart with my County? Which
way did they go? (Follows directions of audience [right or wrong])

BUSYBODY: (Leads in GOLDY) Can't we get this meeting started?

GOLDY: We need to find that Romanian.

BUFFY: (Enters) Have any of you seen the Count?

BUSYBODY: We thought he was with you.

REDHEART: (Enters with CLUELES) No, he is with me.

BUFFY: Get away from him.

CLUELES: No, please. Let me speak. I have something to say. (Everyone listens) After talking to
Ms. Redheart, I have decided this is a mistake. I will not be investing in the mine.

BUFFY: What?!

BUSYBODY: Redheart. What have you done?

GOLDY: I'm ruined.

BUFFY: You've ruined everything.

REDHEART: Come, Richard. I'll pay for your ticket home. Let's go.

BUFFY: Wait. If you go, you'll miss dinner.

CLUELES: Dinner?

BUFFY: It's really good. It's meat. Real juicy American meat.

CLUELES: Hmmm.

BUFFY: (To REDHEART) He has a weakness for food.

REDHEART: No, Richard. Don't do it. Come to my house. I'll make you a nice salad.

CLUELES': Salad? Um? No, I'll stay here for dinner.

BUFFY: Good.

REDHEART: Don't do it, Richard. You'll regret it.

BUSYBODY: Care to join us for some meat, Redheart? Some nice red, juicy meat?

REDHEART: I'm going to be sick. (Exits)

GOLDY: Please, Mr. Ranche. Won't you reconsider?

BUFFY: Maybe we could convince him to give up all his money over dinner. That will put you in
the mood, eh?

(BUFFY and CLUELES exit)

GOLDY: (Stops BUSYBODY) You said we'd have his money, no problem.

BUSYBODY: So I'm wrong.

GOLDY: This deal is getting worse by the minute.

BUSYBODY: Don't worry. You'll get your money. I'll make sure of that.

(They exit)

CLUELES: I believe I about have my killer. This person appears to be on the edge and will crack
any minute. The key is to catch this killer before the deed is done.

(DEE brings in package)

DEE: Got a package for the restaurant.

BUSYBODY: (Enters) A package? I'll sign for it. (Takes it)

DEE: Don't I even get a tip?

BUSYBODY: Buy low, sell high.

DEE: You call that a tip?

BUSYBODY: Here's another, beat it or I'll beat you.

DEE: Good tip.

BUSYBODY: I wonder what's inside? (Opens it as she exits)

DEE: (Looks at clipboard) Now where's my next delivery? (Finds it) Aw, man. I have to deliver a
cake to the prison. Does anybody know how I get there?

BUFFY: (Stops DEE) Hey, didn't you bring in a package?

DEE: I gave it to Busybody.

BUFFY: Why did you do that?

DEE: He gave me a good tip.

BUFFY: Is money all you can think about?

DEE: Sorry, lady.

BUFFY: I gave strict orders to have it brought to me. (Exits)

DEE: These people are so weird.

REDHEART: (Enters) Hey you? Didn't I see you come in here with a package?

DEE: Yeah.

REDHEART: Was it for me?

DEE: Did you order something?

REDHEART: Yes, I mean, no. I mean. Oh, never mind. (Exits)

DEE: That was strange.

GOLDY: (Enters with open package) Hey. Did you deliver this package?

DEE: Yes, that's the one. How did you get it?

GOLDY: I found it sitting on a table. Could you deliver it?

DEE: Again?

GOLDY: Here's a nickel. Make sure it gets there safe. (Exits)

DEE: Gee, a whole nickel.

BUFFY: (Enters) What are you doing with the package?

DEE: Don't ask me.

BUFFY: I got it from Busybody and then I oh, shoot. I left it somewhere didn't I? How did it get
here? (Exits with package)

DEE: This is getting fun.

REDHEART: (Enters with package) I thought maybe Buffy took my package so I took it from her.
She tried to chase me but she threw a shoe. But, alas. It's not even the right one. (Gives it to DEE and
exits)

DEE: (Looks at package) I can't believe this.

CLUELES: (Enters) Hello, there. Can I help you?

DEE: (Gives package to CLUELES) Here. Good-bye.

CLUELES: Wait. Would you like a tip? (Pulls out bill)

DEE: No, please no more tips.

CLUELES: That's okay. I guess one thousand lei isn't very much.
DEE: One thousand! I'll take it.

CLUELES: There you go. (DEE takes money and exits. CLUELES looks around) I wonder who this
package is for. (Looks inside package) And there doesn't appear to be anything inside. Whatever was
inside is gone now. Yet, this may be our first clue.

BUSYBODY: (Enters wiping off hands. Red is on the napkin) So are you ready, Count?

CLUELES': Is that blood?

BUSYBODY: No, (Tastes it) Strawberry pie filling.

CLUELES: Thank goodness.

BUSYBODY: I was just helping out in the kitchen. But after Buffy started to help, they kicked us all
out.

CLUELES: I have had Boofy's food. I see why.

BUSYBODY: (Laughs) Now, Count Ranch...

CLUELES: Ranche.

BUSYBODY: Whatever. You appear to be a reasonable man. Perhaps we can work out a little deal.
Just you and me.

CLUELES: What about the others?

BUSYBODY: The others are idiots. I'm the brain behind all of this. They will only sour the deal.

BUFFY: (Enters) Oh, there you are. Naughty, naughty. What did I tell you about talking to strangers.

BUSYBODY: We'll talk later. (Starts to exit)

BUFFY: (Stops BUSYBODY) You won't talk to him at all!

GOLDY: (Enters all worried) What's all the yelling about?

BUFFY: Busybody is trying to cut us out of the deal.

GOLDY: You wouldn't?!

BUSYBODY: I was doing no such thing!

(COUNTESS enters)

COUNTESS: Excuse me. (They ignore her) Excuse me. (They notice her) I am looking for my
husband, the Count.

BUFFY: Your husband? (Turns on CLUELES') You're married?! How could you lead me on like
that?

COUNTESS: I came to surprise him. He doesn't know I'm here. Where is he?

BUSYBODY: (Points to CLUELES) He's right there.

COUNTESS: That's not my husband.

GOLDY: What?

BUFFY: Then who is he?

COUNTESS: I don't know.

GOLDY: So if you're not the Count, then who are you?

CLUELES: I am Inspector Clueles of INTERPOO. I was sent to find out who might want to kill the
Count.

COUNTESS: Someone wants to kill my husband?

CLUELES: He, like many other Europeans, was asked to come here to invest by these people. He
was to be victim number 3. No one knows what happened to the first two victims.

BUFFY: I think this guy is a fake.

BUSYBODY: I agree. Let's tie him up and call the cops.

CLUELES: But wait. I am the police. Here I will show you my ID? (Looks for wallet)

BUFFY: Well?

CLUELES: I seem to have lost my wallet.

BUSYBODY: Tie him up.

GOLDY: I'll tie him. I'm good at this. (Ties CLUELES to a chair with his scarves)

BUSYBODY: I'll go call the police.

COUNTESS: And I will try to call my husband to see what is going on.

BUFFY: And I must call my hairdresser to see if I can change my appointment to tomorrow.

GOLDY: And I'll go too. Just for fun. (They all exit) Bye-bye my little imposter. Don't go anywhere.

CLUELES: This is a most unexpected development. Could everyone look around for my wallet? It
has my INTERPOO ID badge and two tickets to {name of upcoming show}.

REDHEART: (Enters) Oh, good. You're alone. I must talk to you.

CLUELES: Sure, why not. I don't seem to be going anywhere.

REDHEART: I think someone is about to commit a murder.

CLUELES: Who? Tell me.

REDHEART: I can't say.

CLUELES: Can't say because you don't want to or because you don't know?
REDHEART: One of those. But I can tell you is going to be killed.

CLUELES: Who?

REDHEART: You.

CLUELES: Me?

REDHEART: First, it was the Count. He was to be killed just like the others. But now it's you.

CLUELES: Why?

REDHEART: Because you've ruined everything. The mining deal, the money They want revenge.

CLUELES: Then you must let me go before they come for me.

REDHEART: (WENDY enters with tray of appetizers and she stops talking) I better go.

CLUELES: No, wait. (REDHEART exits)

WENDY: (Holds out tray to CLUELES) Would you like to try an appetizer? No one seems to want
one. I tried giving one to Goldy, Busybody, and Buffy. But they all said no. Goldy was so sweet
though. He said you might want one. They look very good.

CLUELES: No, thanks. I'm a little tied up at the moment.

WENDY: But they were made just for you.

CLUELES: They were? Then I definitely don't want them.

WENDY: Do you mind if I have one then?

CLUELES: Go right ahead.

WENDY: (Takes one and eats) Hmmm. This is very good. (Starts choking)

CLUELES: Are you okay?

WENDY: (Makes a gurgling sound)

CLUELES: Poison! Poison in the appetizers! (To WENDY) Tell me who gave you the appetizers!
Tell me!

WENDY: It was, it was, (She dies)

CLUELES: A murder!

GOLDY: (Enters) Oh, Mr. Imposter. I wanted to see if you (Sees dead WENDY and screams)

BUSYBODY: (Rushes in with BUFFY and REDHEART) What's going on in here? (Sees WENDY)
What's this? Sleeping on the job! You're fired. (REDHEART kneels next to WENDY and checks for a
pulse)
(Someone picks up plate of appetizers. [everyone will have a turn with the plate except the killer])

REDHEART: You can't fire her.

BUSYBODY: Why not?

REDHEART: Because she's dead.

(Someone else gets the plate)

BUFFY: (Points to CLUELES') You were the only one in here with her. You murderer!

CLUELES: I'm tied up. How could I kill her?

GOLDY: Oh, dear. She's going leave a terrible stain on the floor. Red doesn't go at all in here.

BUFFY: Is she bleeding?

GOLDY: Thank goodness no. (Squeals in fright)

BUFFY: What's wrong?

GOLDY: Her shoes don't go at all with her outfit.

(Someone else gets the plate)

BUSYBODY: Don't worry folks. We'll get this all taken care of and you can get on with your dinner.

REDHEART: How did this happen?

CLUELES': It was poison. In the appetizers.

(Whoever has the plate puts it on a table)

BUFFY: Look, he's admitting he did it.

REDHEART: Buffy, get real. He couldn't have done it. He was here all this time.

CLUELES: Please, I'm a detective. Let me go and I'll find out who did this.

REDHEART: I'm untying him.

BUFFY: Don't you dare.

BUSYBODY: I agree with Buffy. We don't even know if he's who he says he is.

GOLDY: (Tries to tie CLUELES, again) Back on with the scarves.

COUNTESS: (Enters) Let him go. I finally reached my husband and the detective is who he says it
is.

CLUELES: Free at last. (REDHEART finishes untying him)

COUNTESS: My husband is most sorry for this. I can't believe he didn't even tell me, his own wife,
what his plan was.

CLUELES: Now that I am free, I can get back to the business of solving this murder. I intend to put
the person responsible behind bars before the real Count arrives.

BUFFY: So the real Count is coming?

GOLDY: With the money?

COUNTESS: I advised him against it, but he insists on going through with this crazy deal of yours.

REDHEART: Even though it's a deal that could cost him his life?

CLUELES: This plate of appetizers is a clue. I will check it for fingerprints. (CLUELES puts on
gloves gets the plate from the table) Let's remove the body to the back room. These folks still haven't
eaten their dinner.

BUSYBODY: Once again, we are sorry. Enjoy your meal. I hope this didn't ruin your appetite.

(All except CLUELES, help take body out)

CLUELES: No one is to leave this building until we solve this mystery. Take the time to search the
building for clues and bring them to me. The clues will be on display during your meal for you to
investigate. Please everyone enjoy your dinner. If this upset you too much to eat, try not to think of it
as a murder. Pretend you are at a mystery dinner theater and this is all pretend. That will make you
feel better, no? Bon appetite.

DINNER

IMPROV PART OF SHOW

Scene 5:

CLUES: Cast members will help audience find and display these clues during dinner

 Spice bottle (label says BUFFY's appetizer spice)

 Box brought by DEE newspaper packing inside the box (newspaper clippings about the
suspects, for example, one about REDHEART been in jail for violent protest, and one about
how someone tried to kill a contestant in Miss New Mexico pageant [pointing to Buffy])
 Plate has everyone's fingerprints on it [killer didn't touch it in scene]
 DEE has signature of person who ordered the package... (Signature of killer but unreadable
audience would have to get all the suspects' signatures to match it)
 Basically the killer is the one who signed for the package. The killer had ordered the spice
with Buffy's name on it to frame her.

FINAL PART OF SHOW

GRILL SUSPECTS: Suspects sit up in front of audience. Audience asks questions. Actors and
director need to decide what suspects can reveal and not reveal. It's good to have each actor try to put
the blame on another actor such as Buffy on Redheart.

BEFORE DESSERT: Audience members each make a guess on paper who they think the killer is.
Each night is a different killer.

AFTER DESSERT: Reveal the Killer

CLUELES: (pulls out envelope) It was Colonel Mustard in the Ball Room with the Candlestick
(smiles sheepishly) Ooops, wrong mystery. It was... [Killer name her]

KILLER CONFESSION (whoever CLUELES reveals four most likely suspects)

BUFFY: Desperate. Needed that money. Had to get it somehow. Killed all men for their money.
Lure them to US and kill them. Had to kill Clueles to keep murders from being revealed.

GOLDY: Realized all a scam and wants revenge. Those appetizers were meant for all of everyone.
Wanted to kill one by one first the detective, then the rest. Actually loved Buffy and killed all Buffy's
husbands and admirers wanted to kill Clueles to keep murders from being revealed.

REDHEART: Killed all of the investors to stop the mine deal. Decided to kill Clueles to keep
murders from being revealed.

COUNTESS: Kill husband before divorce to get his fortune and wanted to kill Clueles to keep plan
from being revealed.

**VARIATION ON SHOW: Have each table assigned to different characters. They will cheer for
their character and boo at other characters)
 NOBODY FAMOUS

By D. M. Larson

Copyright (c) 2002 All Rights Reserved

Cast of Characters

BRENDA: An actress who has a chance at being famous.

HEATHER: Brenda's slightly ditsy friend who takes her to see Mooch.

MOOCH: A fortune teller who is having an insightful day.

JO: An angry customer of Mooch's who didn't like her prediction.

GINA: Brenda's agent.

BONNIE: A Hollywood casting director.

There is also the VOICE OF REPORTER that can be prerecorded.

Time and Place

Present day psychic reading parlor.

Scene 1

(Front room of Madame Mooch's Mystery Readings and Message Parlor. BRENDA
waits impatiently alone. HEATHER appears from a curtained area)
 BRENDA

This is so stupid, can we go now? It's Saturday night and there's other places I'd rather be...

HEATHER (Rushes in UC from curtains)

You'll never guess who she said I was in one of my past lives.

BRENDA

Let's see. Cleopatra?

HEATHER
How did you know?

BRENDA

Psychic's always say women were Cleopatra! For some reason, everyone wants to be her. Personally,
I'd rather have been someone longer lived. What a way to go. Snake bite to the breast. Ouch.

HEATHER

You don't think it's true?

BRENDA

Heather, these people aren't for real. Don't you read the disclaimers?

(Holds up brochure)

For entertainment purposes only.

HEATHER

She seems so real, so convincing!

MOOCH

(Enters from curtained area)

Oh, sorry. I didn't know anyone was still here?

BRENDA

Yeah, she's real perceptive.

MOOCH

(Ties up curtains so audience can now see a table with a crystal ball on top and two
chairs)

Does you friend want a reading?

HEATHER
Yes!

BRENDA

No!

HEATHER

Come on, Brenda. I'll pay for it.

BRENDA

Don't waste your money.

HEATHER

It's just for fun. You said it yourself: for entertainment purposes only. What do you have to fear?

BRENDA
Fear itself?

MOOCH

Come, come. I won't bite.

BRENDA

Yeah, but I might.

HEATHER

There, I paid for it.

(Gives MOOCH money)

MOOCH

(Holds bill up to light)

I feel my power returning to me.

BRENDA

The power of the U.S. Mint.

HEATHER

Go on.

BRENDA

(Goes UC)

Fine, let's get this over with.

 MOOCH

(Starts to close curtain)

The spirits come to me.

BRENDA

Leave the curtain open. I want witnesses.

HEATHER

You sure you want me to watch. It gets kind of private.

(Sits in a nearby waiting room chair)

BRENDA

Private? Then I definitely want you to watch.

(Sits in chair by crystal ball)

MOOCH

(Sits in other chair)

So what do you want to know?

BRENDA

The quickest way out of here.

HEATHER

Don't be difficult, Brenda. Try to have fun with it.

BRENDA

Fine. What are this week's winning lottery numbers?

MOOCH

3-5-9-20-25-49 and the Powerball is

(Draws card from Taro deck)

7. BRENDA

Pretty specific.

HEATHER

(Writes the numbers down)

Why didn't I think to ask that?

 BRENDA

What else do you see in the cards?

MOOCH

(Draws more cards)

I see your past and your future.

BRENDA

Let me guess. I was Cleopatra too. How is it possible for so many people to be Cleopatra? I know!
maybe she had a split personality.

MOOCH

I'm afraid in your past you were nobody famous.

BRENDA

(Surprisingly disappointed)

Nobody? Ever?

MOOCHNever ever.

BRENDA

What about my future?

MOOCH

You will be famous one day.

BRENDA

Now or in a future life.

MOOCH

Would you like to be famous in this life?

BRENDA

What do you mean?

MOOCH

In everyone's life cycles, they are allowed one time to be famous.

BRENDA

Only once huh?

 (Amused. Smiles at HEATHER)

MOOCH

Do you wish it to be this one?

BRENDA

(Laughs)

Sure, why not?

MOOCH

(Her voice booms)

Then so be it!

(A big boom, like thunder is heard. The lights flicker and go out. When the lights
come on again MOOCH is gone)

BRENDA

That was weird.

HEATHER

(Rushes to BRENDA and looks around table)

Where'd she go?

BRENDA

Behind the curtain no doubt.

HEATHER

(Checks curtain)

It's solid wall behind here.

BRENDA

Then through a trap door. It doesn't matter. Let's go.

HEATHER

(They head for front door)

You have to admit. That was pretty spooky.

BRENDA
And completely fake.

(Mimics MOOCH)

"You can only be famous once in your life cycles."

(Laughs)

What a fraud. She's not even a good fake psychic.

JO

(Enters through front door looking around)

Oh, where's Mooch? She's never here.

(Starts to go and sees BRENDA)

Oh, hey! Aren't you that actress?

BRENDA

Who? Me?

JO

Yeah, the one is the play downtown. What's it called? A Brush with Destiny. That's it.

HEATHER

Did you see her?

JO

Yeah, you were incredible.

BRENDA

(Shrugs)

Thanks.

JO

Did you see the review in today's paper?

(Holds up paper)

HEATHER

You got a review?

(Takes paper and looks)

 BRENDA

That reviewer is an idiot. He wouldn't know a play if a stage fell on him.

HEATHER

Oh, my gosh. This review is really good.

BRENDA

You're kidding. He never likes anything.

JO

He sure liked you.

HEATHER

(Reads)

Brenda Star lives up to her name. Her radiant talent brightens this otherwise ordinary play.

BRENDA

Let me see that.

(Takes paper)

This is so great! My agent will go nuts.

JO

Maybe I better get your autograph. Sounds like you're going to make it big.

HEATHER

(Pulls out pen and hands it to BRENDA)

Here.

BRENDA

(Laughs and signs newspaper)

There you go.

JO

Thanks.

(Looks around)

I guess Madame Mooch stepped out. I'll come back later.

(Exits)
 HEATHER

We better go get a copy of the paper so you can show your agent.

BRENDA

Wait a minute. This smells like a set up.

HEATHER

What do you mean?

BRENDA

Wasn't that awfully good timing? She says I'm going to be famous and then this guy comes in here
and acts like I'm some new star.

HEATHER

But how could she fake that newspaper review?

BRENDA

(Scowls)

Good point.

HEATHER

So do you think there might be something to this psychic thing?

BRENDA

It's a coincidence. That's all.

(Cell phone rings)

Hello? Hi, Gina.

(To HEATHER)

It's my agent.

HEATHER

I'll bet she saw the review.

BRENDA
Yeah, I read it.

(Pause)

Very good.

(Shocked)
What?

(Pause)

No way.

HEATHER

What is it? What?

BRENDA

(Waves away HEATHER)

Shhhh.

(To phone)

Sorry, my friend is talking to me.

(Pause)

Yes, let's do it.

(Looks around)

I hate to admit this, but I'm at some psychic reading place.

(Picks up brochure)

Madame Moochï!

(Pause)

You know her.

(To HEATHER)

My agent's been here. (Pause)

Sure I'll wait for her here.

(Hangs up phone)

You won't believe this.

HEATHER

Probably not, but tell me anyway.

BRENDA

Somebody is filming a movie in town and they saw my show last night. They want me to be in their
movie.
 HEATHER

You're kidding.

BRENDA

Gina said there are some big stars in it too. One of them had a scheduling conflict and can't come.
Gina's bringing the casting director over to see me now. They need somebody immediately and want
me to do it.

HEATHER

You'll be famous!

BRENDA

(Stops)

This can't be happening. Where is that Madame Money?

HEATHER

Mooch.

BRENDA

Whatever. Come out, Madame! I want a word with you.

HEATHER

Why are you upset? This is wonderful.

BRENDA

I know how these stories go. Remember that story the Monkey's Paw? At first, everything is great.
You get everything you wish for, then the bottom drops out.

HEATHER

You are such a wet blanket. Can't you have a little fun?

BRENDA

Fun is for people who are too stupid to prepare for the impending disaster.

HEATHER

I give up. Fine, don't enjoy your instant success. I'm going home.

BRENDA

Don't be mad, Heather. I'm sorry. I have to admit there might be something beyond my
comprehension going on here.

HEATHER
See! Isn't this stuff amazing?

BRENDA

Or extremely well contrived.

(Calls out)

Madame Mooch. I need a word with you.

HEATHER

I wonder why she isn't reappearing.

BRENDA

(Pulls out money)

I'm not speaking her language.

(Waves bill)

I have something green for you.

MOOCH

(Enters)

I sense that you require my services.

BRENDA

(Smiles at HEATHER, then looks at MOOCH)

I need some information.

MOOCH

Information is my middle name, though my abilities have been weakened by all the recent activity.

BRENDA

(Hands her a bill)

There. Feeling better?

MOOCH

A bit better, yes.

BRENDA
Good.

MOOCH
I sense your friend here wants to go.

BRENDA

Do you?

HEATHER

(Looks at watch)

Oh, my gosh. I have reservations for five minutes ago.

(Waves good-bye)

Thank you, Madame Mooch. Bye Brenda.

(HEATHER exits)

BRENDA

That was my money. How come she got a reading?

MOOCH

She paid for you. You paid for her.

BRENDA
Now for my question,

MOOCH

My power is fading.

BRENDA

(Hands her another bill)

Feel better?

MOOCH

(Stuffs bill in shirt)

Ask your question.

BRENDA

How can Madame Mooch cook up such an elaborate scam?

MOOCH

Madame Mooch didn't scam you. You want to be famous, so you will be famous.
 BRENDA

What if I've changed my mind?

MOOCH

It is your destiny now. Don't fight it. Fighting it will only bring doom upon you.

BRENDA

Doom. That's certainly what I'm expecting from all this. Every silver lining has a cloud.

MOOCH

I predict that your bad fortune is over.

BRENDA

I hope you're right.

MOOCH

Unless!

BRENDA

There's always an unless" Okay, give me the bad news.

MOOCH

I must consult the cards.

(Goes to her table)

BRENDA

That's probably going to cost me.

(Goes to table and sits opposite MOOCH)

MOOCH

(Lays out some cards)

The meaning of these cards escape me!

(BRENDA sighs and gives her more money)

Ah, yes. I see now. Beware the one armed bandit.

BRENDA
You mean slot machines? That's easy. I hate gambling. Ever since that time my boyfriend got
kidnapped by a trucker at Sky City Casino, I've refused to go back to one.

MOOCH

(Rises)

Beware. Beware the one armed bandit.

BRENDA

Yeah, yeah. You said that already.

(MOOCH starts to go)

Wait. I have more questions.

MOOCH

No time. You have visitors.

(Exits as GINA and BONNIE enter front door)

BRENDA

How did she know that?

GINA

Hey, Brenda. How's my big star?

(GINA and BRENDA do a fake kiss on the cheek)

BRENDA

Still in wonder,

GINA

I want you to meet someone.

(Drags over BONNIE)

This is Bonnie Bandito. He's the casting director for the movie I told you about.

BRENDA

(Reaches out her hand to shake. BONNIE lifts her left arm to shake. BONNIE's right
arm is in a sling)

Bandito? Oh,

(Looks where MOOCH went)

Uh, hi!
 GINA

Brenda. I thought you'd be more excited. This is a big opportunity.

BRENDA

Sorry, this has all been very sudden.

GINA

Brenda is new to the theatre scene.

BONNIE

She's a natural. She appears to have years of experience.

GINA

So will she work, Bonnie?

(To BRENDA)

She wanted to meet you before she decided on anything.

BONNIE

I'd like to interview you a bit first.

BRENDA

Yes, I have a few questions also.

GINA

We can sit over here.

(BONNIE heads for chairs in waiting room. GINA says to BRENDA quietly)

What is your problem? Get excited.

BRENDA

(Aside to GINA)

I have a bad feeling about this.

GINA
Brenda, shush

(They go sit near BONNIE)

BONNIE

Would you like to go first or shall I?

 BRENDA

I'll go first.

GINA

Bonnie is on a tight schedule. Maybe you ought to let her,

BONNIE

No, I admire her candor. Go ahead Brenda.

BRENDA

I'm going to be frank...

GINA

(Trying to warm)

Brenda, ixnay on the...

BRENDA

Why would a big studio want a little small time nobody like me?

BONNIE

You have the look!

BRENDA

(Skeptically)

The look?

GINA

(She says excitedly to BRENDA as if understanding BONNIE perfectly)

You know, the look.

BRENDA

Perhaps you could explain the look to me a bit more!

BONNIE

You have that natural spark that will light up the screen!

GINA

She does have a spark, doesn't she? La Chizpa as they say.

BONNIE
 (She's hands BRENDA an orientation/promotional packet on the movie)

Let me be frank also. You are very attractive and our director liked you, a lot. He's known for taking
many unknown actresses and making them big stars.

BRENDA

(Looks in packet)

This director is also known for wanting a whole lot more from his actresses than is in the contract.

BONNIE

He's very influential, he could take you far.

BRENDA

(Hands back the packet to BONNIE)

I'd rather he didn't take me anywhere.

GINA

(Shocked at BRENDA)

Brenda!

(Tries to laugh it off)

She's so funny, isn't she?

BONNIE

We don't need a comedian.

(Rises)

We need someone who takes direction well.

BRENDA

Then maybe I'm not the right actress for you then.

BONNIE

(To GINA)

I thought you said she really wanted this part.

GINA

She told me she did.

BRENDA
How big of a part is this?

BONNIE

That depends on you.

BRENDA

What does that mean?

GINA

(A bit deflated)

Wait. I thought you said this was a big part.

BONNIE

So far, today, I'm not seeing what I want!

(Gets up)

Maybe this was a mistake!

GINA

(Jumps up to stop BONNIE)

No, wait. I don't understand. I thought we had an agreement.

BONNIE

Sorry, I can already tell it's not going to work out.

(Starts to exit)

GINA

But,

(Starts after her)

Wait!

BRENDA

Let her go, Gina.

(BONNIE shakes her head at them and exits)

GINA

What was that all about?

 BRENDA

That director is infamous for wanting something I don't want to give.

GINA

But I really went on a limb on this one for you!

BRENDA

I'm sorry, but I don't think they were really interested in my acting skills.

GINA
Look, Brenda. What did you expect? Being a star involves give and take.

BRENDA

Sorry, but I don't want to give what he wants to take.

GINA

Then maybe you need to find another agent.

BRENDA

What?

GINA

Maybe Morality Movie Studio is looking for actresses. Oh, wait. There's no such thing. See you,
Brenda. Thanks for nothing.

(GINA exits)

BRENDA

(To self)

Wow, Madame Mooch. You sure were right about this one.

HEATHER

(Returns)

Wow, Gina sure didn't look happy. What happened?

BRENDA

I just blew my chance at fame and fortune.

HEATHER

Why'd you do that?

BRENDA
Forget it. What are you doing back here?

HEATHER

Dan called and canceled our dinner date so I went and bought a lottery ticket. I used Madame
Mooch's numbers.

BRENDA

That was a waste of a dollar.

HEATHER

It was worth a try.

BRENDA

Let's go, okay?

JO

(JO enters)

I can't wait any longer.

(She's nervous. She blocks their exit)

Where's Madame Mooch?

BRENDA

In her secret room laughing at us no doubt.

(Tries to go)

Can we get by please?

JO

(Won't move from doorway)

I want to see Mooch now!

BRENDA

All you have to do is wave a few dollars around. She'll appear.

JO

Maybe if I wave this instead!

(Pulls out gun)

HEATHER
She's got a gun!

BRENDA

Hey, now lady. We don't want any trouble.

JO

Well, that's what you're going to get unless I see Mooch.

BRENDA

My guess is that she's heading out the back door as we speak.

JO

Afraid not. I blocked her back door with my car.

BRENDA

I don't know what your problem with her is, but it has nothing to do with us. So if we could just go,

JO

You're witnesses now. You stay.

HEATHER

Witnesses?

JO

To a crime.

BRENDA

You know what? No crime has been committed. As far as I can tell, you have a permit for that gun.
No crime. No problem. Let's go, Heather.

JO

Both of you sit down now!

(BRENDA and HEATHER find chairs and sit)

Come out here, Mooch before I start shooting into those rice paper walls of yours. There's no telling
what I'll hit.

MOOCH

Hello, Jo. What do you want?

BRENDA

Oh, great. Now we know her name. So much for not being a witness.
 JO
I want my life back, Mooch. The one you stole from me.

HEATHER

She stole your life?

JO

She told my husband that I was sleeping around and then my husband left me.

MOOCH

I can not hide the truth.

JO

But that wasn't the truth. I've been faithful to my husband.

MOOCH

Have you?

JO

I've never slept with anyone else since I married him.

MOOCH

What about Mark?

JO

Mark? You mean my old boyfriend?

MOOCH

Did you sleep with him?

JO

Not since I've been married.

MOOCH

Oh, dear. I guess my visions got crossed.

JO

"Oh, dear." Is that all you can say?! You ruined my life and you just say, "Oh, dear."

BRENDA

I can't believe your husband would leave you based on something some two-bit psychic would say.
 MOOCH

How dare you call me a...

JO

Shut up, Mooch.

(To BRENDA)

She had some help. After Mooch told my husband about Mark, my husband paid Mark a visit. Mark
never got over our breakup so he has some hard feelings. So Mark told my husband that Mooch was
right.

HEATHER

That's not good.

BRENDA

So between Mooch here and Mark, your husband was sure you were lying.

JO

(Holds gun up to MOOCH's head)

So psychic lady, can you see what's in your future?

MOOCH

Sorry, I can't predict the future for myself.

JO

Well, let me give you some help.

(Pulls trigger. Click. No bullets. MOOCH faints. HEATHER screams)

Where'd I put my gun clip?

BRENDA

Run, Heather!

(BRENDA pulls HEATHER toward door)

HEATHER

What about Mooch?

BRENDA

We'll call the cops.

JO
 (Finds clip and puts it in gun. Points it at them just as they get to the door)

Hold it!

(BRENDA and HEATHER freeze)

Turn around and come back slowly.

HEATHER

We're gonna die.

JO

Quit blubbering and sit down.

HEATHER

Are you going to kill us?

JO

No, I don't want to kill anyone.

BRENDA

It looked like you wanted to kill Mooch.

JO

I only wanted to scare her.

BRENDA

(Goes to fallen MOOCH)

I think you succeeded. Can we go now?

JO

I was hoping it would be enough. But still, I don't feel like,

HEATHER

(Sees flashing lights out window)

I think we have a problem.

JO

Who called the cops?

BRENDA

We didn't.
 JO

Mooch must have called them before she came out. Now what do I do?

BRENDA

Surrender. You haven't really done anything, yet.

MOOCH

(Wakes up)

Am I still alive or has someone summoned my spirit?

JO

Unfortunately you're still among the living. Now get up before that changes.

(BRENDA and HEATHER help MOOCH up)

MOOCH

I see the police have arrived.

JO

No thanks to you.

MOOCH

I saw danger in my future so I took the liberty of calling them.

HEATHER

Isn't she amazing?

JO

Perhaps you can see a way out of this for me.

BRENDA

Give yourself up. It's the only way.

HEATHER

(Looks to window)

Now I think there's a news crew.

MOOCH

Oh, think of all the publicity.

 JO

I have to know what's going on out there. Turn on your TV, Mooch.

(MOOCH goes to TV and turns it on)

REPORTER

(Voice)

We're live outside Madame Moose's shop:

MOOCH

Mooch not Moose.

JO

I think I like Moose better.

REPORTER

(Voice)

The police say the suspect is armed and dangerous.

JO

That doesn't sound good.

BRENDA

Maybe if you tell them your story then they'll go easy on you.

JO

That might give me some satisfaction being able to tell the news what a big fraud she is.

MOOCH

Can't you shoot me in the foot and run. That would be much better for business.

JO

How about I shoot you in the foot AND talk to the reporter.

HEATHER

Shhh. Wait. They have the lottery numbers at the bottom of the screen.

BRENDA

Heather. Can't that wait?

HEATHER
Three! I've got a three.

BRENDA

Heather, please, not,

HEATHER

Five! Got a five!

BRENDA

Heather,

HEATHER

Nine! We've got three numbers.

JO

You've got to be kidding.

HEATHER

Twenty! We're winning!

BRENDA

(Getting into it)

Twenty-five. We have twenty-five.

HEATHER

49! BRENDA

And the Powerball is,

HEATHER

Seven! We won!

MOOCH

I told you so.

BRENDA

We won! We won!

(Dances around with HEATHER and JO)

JO
 (HEATHER and BRENDA are still jumping up and down. JO looks at her gun. Looks
at them. MOOCH stops them and points to JO)

So how much did you win?

BRENDA

Not much.

HEATHER

Only 95 million.

JO

95 million! Dollars?

MOOCH

No, Powerballs.

JO

Shut up!

(To HEATHER and BRENDA)

This changes everything.

(Points gun and holds out hand)

Hand over the ticket.

(JO is distracted so MOOCH sneaks around behind her)

BRENDA

Easy come, easy go.

HEATHER

No,

BRENDA

No, what?

HEATHER

No, I'm not giving her our ticket. This is our ticket.

BRENDA
Heather, this is no time to get a backbone.

HEATHER

But we won it. It's ours.

BRENDA

(Shrugs and smiles sheepishly at JO)

It's amazing what a few million can do to a person.

JO

Hand it over or I'll take it off your dead body.

MOOCH

(Picks up crystal ball and moves behind JO)

Oh, Jo?!

(JO turns and MOOCH smashes it on her head)

She didn't see that coming.

(JO falls to the ground and passes out)

So what do you girls say to sharing that ticket?

HEATHER

Sure! I think I could spare a million or two.

BRENDA

It's the least we could do. I assume there's a "we" in this deal.

HEATHER

Of course, I wouldn't have bought this without you.

BRENDA

I have to ask you, Mooch, are you always picking winning numbers?

MOOCH

Never. I got lucky this time.

BRENDA

Incredible.
 HEATHER

I think we better go get the police before Jo wakes up.

MOOCH

I'll get them. Keep an eye on her.

(Runs out door)

BRENDA

What a story. Those reporters will be all over us.

HEATHER

We'll be famous.

END OF PLAY

For a version without a bat instead of a gun, follow this link: http://freedrama.net/nfbat.html

Pearls of Wisdom
Monologue - Woman

(A young Idaho woman standing and staring with excited fascination. A crib is near a chair behind
her. Phrases in quotes are done in voices of herself as younger or as other characters in her life)

TYRANNY

"Oh, my heck!" was all I could say when I first saw him. I'd never seen a man in quite this way
before. I'd finally ripened... got my buds and flowered. Boys no longer caught my fancy; I was after a
whole hunk of man now. I examined him with a horrific fascination that my mother had warned me
about. The church too for that matter.

(Mimicking an old lady)

"Protect your pearls, girls," said Sister Sue as she handed us each a little baggy. The baggy held
something like a clamshell. Inside each shell was a little pearl.

(Pretending to be another young girl)

"I wonder if it's real," Jennie Lynn asked wide eyed. I looked at my own pearl dipped in Elmer's
glue.

(Speaking as her younger self)

"Not sure," I said as I studied it. "I think you bite it or something to tell. Saw this murder mystery on
TV once. They'd made some kind of drug look like pearls. They crushed the pearl necklace with a tea
cup and discovered it." Jennie Lynn just gave me a snot nosed upturned look.
(Pause. Reflects as her older self) The meaning of the pearl escaped me until now.

(Mimicking old lady again)

"Keep that pearl safe. Don't let the boys have your pearl until you're ready," Sister Sue warned. I'm
sure she attached some additional meaning to it, like about marriage, but I couldn't quite remember
that part. I'd forgotten most the lessons I'd learned in church. Jesus no longer man enough to keep my
attention.

(Remembering. Looking longingly ahead)

It was a cowboy that first got my attention. As I stared at this man, I grew hot and anxious. I about
threw him my pearl. "Take it, take it, take it!" I chanted in my head. He was nearly close enough to
taste. His horse sweaty from a long ride, he stroked it gently. I watched, wishing to be stroked. Then
he saw me, his eyes dancing, his half grin giving me shivers.

(Mimicking a Western guy)

"Well, if it ain't my little cousin Tyranny."

(Aside)

Mama had given me that name. Grannie said momma lay there all puzzled to high heaven about what
she was gonna call me.

(Mimicking her mom)

"Get me a dictionary," she ordered and thumbed through Webster's til she found a word that sounded
nice: Tyranny. She thought it was pretty sounding.

(Pause)

Now where was I? Oh, yeah, my cousin Skeeter.

(Becoming her younger self)

"Hi, Skeeter," I climbed up the side of a stall and straddled it. Skeeter sauntered up and swatted me
on the backside.

(Smacks her own rear for effect, then talks like a Western guy)

"Turning out to be a fine filly, ain't ya?" I blushed, still felt his hand where it had smacked me. I
liked it. I wanted him to do it again. Skeeter leaned in close, so close I could have kissed him. His
breath like beer and garlic mixed. I could nearly taste it on my lips as I licked them. "You better hold
on tight to your pearl or some guy's gonna snatch it away." He smacked my rear again and headed
out. I grinned uncontrollably. Please, God, let Skeeter take my pearl.

(Back to older self)

But he never did, though I wish he had. At least my family might still love me then. Then I'd be the
victim. This way, I am the bad one. Raped at thirteen by a cousin would have been far more noble in
my family's eyes. Sure Skeeter would have been in for it, but at least I'd be okay. You might be
thinking that I'm kind of strange thinking that way about my cousin but I know my history. People's
been doing this sort of thing for years you know. Look at Egypt. All kinds of those guys married
family. In my biology class they talked about royalty marrying family like crazy in England. Though
I guess that was kind of bad cause they got this disease. What was it again? Cycle cell ameba? Round
here they still think family is okay. Plenty of people find love with a second or third cousin.
Sometimes closer. Guys joke that they go to family reunions to meet girls. Mostly they don't,
sometimes they do. My cousin Brock has it bad. His parents are related somehow and that's why
Brock has fingers for toes and thumbs for fingers. Funniest looking hands you ever saw. We always
point at Brock and say, now that's what happens when cousins marry. This ain't nearly as bad as the
Eggerstons, distant cousins from a little town in Idaho called Mud Lake. Not too many people there
that's not related. Old papa Eggerston has been married a few times. He's proud that his current wife
isn't a blood relative; she's just his step-daughter. But previous family encounters had given his
family strange hands without fingernails. Bizarre looking worms of hands. I'm like you all and I
decided to stay clear of family. I shouldn't have bothered though. I'm worse off now because of it.

(Pause. Goes to crib)

I'd met Buck at a party. I got drunk. Drunk on beer and garlic. I must have eaten ten pizzas that night.
Must have had twenty beers. Buck raped me... excuse me... courted me. They don't have date rape in
these parts. Here they call it courtship.

(Mimics mother)

Sure, momma was a bit annoyed with old Buck. "You don't sleep with sixteen year old girls. You're
thirty-one for Christ's sake." Momma gave him two options, marriage or jail. He took the logical
course for once in his life and then slipped away.

(Picks up baby from crib)

So here I am, married, with a kid, still with my momma. My husband is somewhere getting some
other girl drunk, taking her pearl. One day he may come back. But if he does, God help his pearls,
cause I'm gonna cut 'em off. Cut 'em off and mount them like a couple of fish. Hang 'em right next to
my team roping trophies and label them "pearls of wisdom." They'll be a warning to any man who
tries to take my girl's pearl.

(Strokes babies head)

I often sit here praying all men will die before my baby's old enough. My best hope for her is to be a
lesbian. "Don't let them take your pearl, little Ennui." Then I sing to her, singing, hoping she'll
remember...

(Sings)

"Hush little baby, don't say a word, Momma's gonna buy you a butcher knife. If that butcher knife
won't cut, Momma's gonna hit'm with a pickup truck..."
 EBONY SCROOGE

by D. M. Larson

You must ask for permission before using this script in a performance or
publication by contacting doug@freedrama.net (please include the title of this
monologue in your request). When you perform the play and charge
admission, then a royalty payment is required. We are very thankful for your
support. There is a $40 royalty for 1-4 performances.

EBONY SCROOGE -A Modern Christmas Carol (work in progress)

by D. M. Larson
Copyright (c) 2001 All Rights Reserved

***

Cast of Characters
(flexible cast with doubling a cast of eight could play all the parts)

Ebony Scrooge: [female]

Cratchet: [female]

Sister Katie: [female]

Sister Sadie: [female]

Marla: [female]

Ghost of Christmas Past: [female]

Young Ebony: [female]

Mother: [female]
 Teen Ebony: [female]

Aunt: [female]

Ghost of Christmas Present: [male]

Tammie Cratchet: [female]

Sam Cratchet: [male]

Jenny Cratchet: [female]

John Cratchet: [male]

Ghost of Christmas Future: [either]EBONY

(Enters. Finds CAROLERS singing)

What's with all this singing? Who authorized this?

CAROLER

(Scared)

Sorry, Ms. Scrooge. Mrs. Cratchet said it was okay.

EBONY

Roberta!

CRATCHET

Yes, Ms. Scrooge.

EBONY

Did you tell these people they could make all this noise in here?

CRATCHET

They paid the require fees to use the theatre.

EBONY

Did you charge them double? It is a holiday.

CRATCHET

No, sorry, Ms. Scrooge.

EBONY

Then out with you. Everyone one of you.

(CAROLERS rush out)

CRATCHET

Should I refund their money?

EBONY

They were here half the time and they paid half the money. It's a done deal in my eyes. Do you disagree
Mrs. Cratchet?

CRATCHET

No, ma'am.

EBONY

Fine then. Bring me some tea. Extra hot.

CRATCHET

Flavor?

EBONY

We have a long night ahead of us. Let's say something with a bite to it. How about Oolong Obsession?

CRATCHET

Yes, Ms. Scrooge.

EBONY

And do we have any of that chocolate cake left?

CRATCHET

One slice I think.

EBONY

Bring that too.

CRATCHET

Yes, Ms. Scrooge.

(Pauses for more instructions)

EBONY

Make it quick.

CATCHET

(Rushes off)

Yes, Ms. Scrooge.

EBONY

Now where were we? Restaurant receipts, bills... credit? Someone wishes to extend their credit I see. For
30% interest, I can be persuaded.

(Two little ladies rush in)

SADIE and KATIE

(Together)

Hello, Ms. Scrooge.

SADIE

I'm sister Sadie.

KATIE

And I'm sister Katie.

EBONY

I know who you are. Every holiday you come around begging for money.

KATIE

(Laughs)

Always the comedian.

SADIE

Have you made your yearly donation to the Sisters of Suffering Charity?

EBONY

I will pay this year as much as I pay every year.

KATIE

Which is?
EBONY

Absolutely nothing.

SADIE

But it helps the poor.

KATIE

The needy.

SADIE

The sick.

KATIE

The suffering.

EBONY

I seem to be the only one who is suffering in this room.

SADIE

You have the most successful restaurant in town. You surely could spare something.

EBONY

How about a tip?

KATIE

Okay.

EBONY

Stop feeding the poor, the hungry, the sick, and the suffering. It makes them live just a little bit longer and
makes them suffer just a little bit more. Do them and me a favor and stop helping them. There's too many
people in this world as it is. Let them die and decrease the surplus population.

SADIE

We best be going, sister Katie.

KATIE

Yes, we should go, sister Sadie.

SADIE
Here's some literature in case you change your mind.

(Hands EBONY some flyers)

Merry Christmas.

(CRATCHET enters from behind with tea and cake)

EBONY

Christmas. Bah humbug. At least they gave something useful. This paper should burn nicely in the
fireplace.

(Not seeing CRATCHET. She yells)

Cratchet! Where's my...

(Realizes CRATCHET is there)

...set it down here.

CRATCHET

Will there be anything else this evening?

EBONY

What do you mean? Of course, they'll be something else. The kitchen needs cleaning.

CRATCHET

Done.

EBONY

The food put away.

CRATCHET

Also done.

EBONY

Tomorrow's special planned.

CRATCHET

Taken care of.

EBONY

The floor washed and waxed.

CRATCHET

Done.

EBONY

Except for in here.

CRATCHET

Ms. Scrooge. It's Christmas Eve. I've been working overtime all work. Tonight could I at least get home
before my children go to sleep?

EBONY

Can't that useless husband of your tuck the little parasites in?

CRATCHET

He does every night.

EBONY

I'm a reasonable woman. Take the rest of the night off... without pay.

CRATCHET

Oh, thank you, Ms. Scrooge. Thank you.

(So happy CRATCHET reaches for EBONY)

EBONY

Don't you dare hug me.

CRATCHET

Sorry, Ms. Scrooge. And about tomorrow.

EBONY

What about tomorrow?

(Eats cake and drinks drink during following exchange)

CRATCHET

I was wondering if I could take the morning off too so, just long enough to watch the children open their
presents.

EBONY
And who will manage things here?

CRATCHET

It's Christmas. We never get many customers.

EBONY

But we;ll be the only place open in town. What if someone's Christmas breakfast is ruined? Where else can
they go?

CRATCHET

To WalMart?

EBONY

To a discount store? The very idea makes me sick. How can anyone run a business that way?

CRATCHET

Please, I promise I'll be in by eight. The kids should be able to open the presents by then.

EBONY

You will be here at your usual time or you can look for another job.

(CRATCHET looks down in defeat)

I have been more than generous with you, by letting you go home early. Go home now before I change my
mind.

CRATCHET

Yes, Ms. Scrooge.

(Starts to go, then stops)

And Merry Christmas.

(Exits)

EBONY

Bah humbug.

(Takes another bite of cake)

That Catchet has no work ethic, but she can sure bake a good cake.

(Yawns)
What kind of tea did she give me?

(Looks at label on tea bag)

Sleepy time?!

(Yawns)

That idiot.

(Eyes get heavy)

I have a mountain over paperwork to do.

(Drifts off)

I must get it done...

(Falls asleep on table. A thump in the kitchen wakes her)

What was that?

(Moves toward kitchen L)

Catchet? Are you still here?

(Another thump)

Oh, my goodness. It could be a thief.

(Heavy steps. Takes out cell phone)

I better call the police.

(Hits phone)

Battery's dead? Stupid discount calling plan.

(More thumps. EBONY picks up fork)

I've got a rather large weapon in here and I'm not afraid to use it.

(Hears rattling, moaning, and other spooky sounds. Drops fork)

Uh, was it the tea or the cake that's doing this to me? I swear I'm hearing...

(The ghost of MARLA appears L)

And seeing!

MARLA
Ebony Scrooge!

(Rattles her tableware. She walks around with dangled tablewear: forks, spoons, knives)

EBONY

Who are you?

MARLA

I'm your old partner Marla. You've been a naughty girl, Ebony.

EBONY

(Scared)

Go away. I know you're something I ate that I shouldn't have. I need some medicine. Some plop, plop, fizz,
fizz, and you'll be gone.

MARLA

I have come to warn you. Warn you of a fate worse than death.

EBONY

The missionaries were here earlier. Sorry I'm not interested.

MARLA

I have come to tell you that you will share my fate unless you change.

EBONY

Your fate? What are you talking about?

MARLA

(Holds up tableware)

I have paid heavily for my sins.

EBONY

What's with the table setting?

MARLA

This is my punishment for cheating people.

(Shows EBONY)
The forks are for every time we overcharged. The spoons are for every serving we shorted someone. The
knives are for every competitor we stabbed in the back.

EBONY

Those were good times.

MARLA

Good times! Good times!

(Shakes tableware in agony)

EBONY

Calm down. Take it easy.

MARLA

Your punishment will be far worse than mine, Ebony Scrooge, unless you change.

EBONY

The only change I like is the kind that goes in my pocket.

MARLA

Tonight you will be visited by three spirits.

EBONY

Three?! Look, I'm very busy here. Couldn't we schedule them for later in the week?

MARLA

At the stroke of midnight, the first will appear. Then the others will appear at each hour after.

EBONY

I must admit you look very much like Marla and I do feel a bit anxious about all this. So, ha, ha. You got
me. Jokes over. Now get out before I call the cops!

MARLA

(Starts to go)

The first will appear at midnight.

 (Stops)

Please, Ebony. This is your last chance. Heed my warning.

(Exits)

EBONY

(Goes and sits)

The only warning I need is on the tea label. Now I'm seeing things.

(Grabs papers and yawns)

Where was I before the spirit of Christmas indigestion appeared?

(Yawns and drifts off. Lights fade to black. Twelve stokes of the clock. The ghost of
Christmas PAST is now standing in the corner. Lights come up. EBONY looks around
sleepily)

Asleep again? How am I ever going to get anything done tonight?

(Looks at watch)

Christmas day already. Maybe I'll call Cratchet to come in early. I'm way behind.

PAST
(Dressed in old fashioned clothing)

Good morning, Ebony Scrooge.

EBONY

(Jumps up)

Who are you? How did you get in here?

PAST

I am the ghost of Christmas past.

EBONY

This can't be.

PAST
I have come to show you your past.

EBONY

Sorry, I've already been there and don't care to go back.

PAST

(Holds out her hand)

Please come with me.

EBONY

Through the wall?

PAST

Watch.

(Takes EBONY's hand and they walk into the wall. Lights go black)

EBONY

What's going on?

PAST

We're taking a step back in time.

(Yellow lights come up on restaurant with checkered tablecloth. Papers are gone. Woman
fusses over a little girl)

Do you know this place?

EBONY

(Excited)

It's our old family restaurant. That's my mother. And that's me. She was always fussing over me.

(Goes to mother)

Hello, mother.

PAST

She can't see or hear you.

EBONY

I forgot how beautiful she was.

PAST

And how bratty you were.

YOUNG EBONY
 (Pounds fists)

But I want to play Monopoly!

MOTHER

But we just got done playing the game of Life.

YOUNG EBONY

Monopoly! Monopoly!

EBONY

(Laughs)

I loved Monopoly as a child. I couldn't get enough of it.

MOTHER

Fine, sweetie. I'll go get it.

(YOUNG EBONY cheers along with EBONY. MOTHER starts to go. Then she stops. Puts her
hand to her chest. YOUNG EBONY is oblivious. Older EBONY goes to MOTHER)

EBONY

Mother? What's wrong?

(MOTHER falls to chair, slips off then falls to ground)

Mother?! Somebody call an ambulance.

(Goes to YOUNG EBONY)

Go get help!

YOUNG EBONY

(Sees MOTHER)

Oh, you're so lazy.

(Walks past MOTHER)

I'll get Monopoly myself.

EBONY

Please, spirit. Torture me no more. Please take me away.

PAST
Let's go to another time in your life.

(Lights fade to black)

EBONY

Please, spirit. To a happier time.

(The yellow light comes up on a party scene. People mill around in audience and on stage.
Actors gets audience involved as if they were part of the party. Tell everyone to cheer
when Aunt arrives)

It's one of my aunt's famous Christmas parties. I always loved these. A major waste of money, but what
fun!

(AUNT enters everyone cheers)

And there's my Aunt. She was so wonderful. She came to take care of me after mother died and run the
restaurant.

AUNT

Welcome everyone! I wish to thank you for your support in making little Ebony's restaurant a success this
year.

(TEEN EBONY enters)

EBONY

(To PAST)

My aunt always called it my restaurant.

(Looks at TEEN EBONY)

Look at me. I'm not so little anymore.

TEEN

Thank you all for coming.

EBONY

I was so pretty.

AUNT

Music!

(Music starts up)

Let's dance!
TEEN

(Stops AUNT)

Auntie, have you seen Charlie?

AUNT

No, but he did leave this note for you.

EBONY

Charlie?

(Remembers)

Oh, no, Ebony. Don't read that note.

(Upset)

Please don't read that note. It will break your heart.

TEEN

(Read note)

Dear Ebony, I'm sorry but I can't see you anymore...

(Sobs)

AUNT

Ebony, what's wrong?

TEEN

I have him. I hate him! I hate all men!

(Rips up note)

AUNT

Ebony, please.

(Chases after her)

EBONY

(Turns away)
Please, spirit. No more. Take me home.

(Lights go to black)

PAST

Perhaps you've seen enough.

EBONY

Take me home.

(Lights come up normal on the restaurant with the piles of papers)

Home. Now, go spirit. You have tormented me enough tonight.

PAST

I will go, but you will be visited again at the stroke of one.

EBONY

Go!

(Spirit exits L. EBONY bows her head sadly)

What a miserable life. Was it really so horrible?

(Lights slowly fade. The bell tolls once in black. The lights slowly come up and the ghost of
Christmas present comes in)

PRESENT

Ho! Ho! Ho!

(Comes in with bag of presents)

Hello, little girl. Have you been good this year?

EBONY

How did you get in here? Go take your cheer somewhere else.

PRESENT

Ho! Ho! HOOO!

(Looks in bag)

Nope, nothing for you.

EBONY

Big surprise. Not get out!

PRESENT

Don't you know me?

EBONY

Sure Santa, I'm the one who took your stupid bell away from you at WalMart and threw it out in traffic the
other day. You realize how annoying those bells can be. Ding, ding, ding...

PRESENT

Come, I want to show you something.

EBONY

I've seen enough tonight.

PRESENT

(Pulls out bell)

Come!

(Rings bell. Lights go black)

EBONY

Hey! I paid my bill. What's going on here? Somebody turn on the lights.

PRESENT

Very well.

(Rings bell. Lights come up blue. Mess on table is gone. A tattered tablecloth is on the table
now. The CRATCHET family is happily preparing for a meal)

CRATCHET

Jenny, please set the table. Sam, help you little sister to the table.

(JENNY enters with tableware.

SAM
Come on, Tammie.

(SAM brings in TAMMIE in a wheel chair)

TAMMIE

Thank you, Sam. You're such a good brother.

JENNY

When's papa coming home?

CRATCHET

I don't know, honey.

EBONY

Where is that deadbeat husband of hers?

PRESENT

He is on call for the ambulance. There was a terrible accident on the interstate and he's there as we speak
saving someone's life.

EBONY

Oh.

SAM

(Lifts TAMMIE into chair)

There you go.

TAMMIE

(Hugs SAM)

Thank you.

CRATCHET

Here comes Christmas dinner!

(Brings in covered platter)

SAM

Don't you mean Christmas eve dinner?

CRATCHET
It's past one am! It's Christmas.

JENNY

Let's open the presents!

CRATCHET

We wait for that until daddy come home.

JENNY

Okay.

EBONY

Look at the size of that platter. That must be a X-pound turkey! How can she afford that? I better check my
inventory. Maybe she took it. I'm glad you showed me this spirit. I...

(PRESENT holds finger to lips for silence then points)

CRATCHET

(Opens up covered platter)

Dinner is served.

TAMMIE

You made the mashed potatoes look like a turkey!

SAM

That is so cool mom.

(CATCHET serves up the potatoes)

I'll take the leg!

(They laugh)

EBONY

Potatoes? That's it. That's all they have!

PRESENT

That's all they can afford.

EBONY
Why aren't they upset about it? Why aren't the children complaining? How can they be laughing!

PRESENT

So happy and so little money. How is this possible?

(TAMMIE starts coughing uncontrollably)

CRATCHET

Sam, get her medicine.

(SAM runs and grabs it. CRATCHET gives spray to TAMMIE who inhales it and is better)

You okay?

TAMMIE

Yes, mother. Just fine.

(Sighs)

But I'm tired. Could you take me to bed?

CRATCHET

(Picks her up)

Of course, honey. I'll be right back kids. Don't eat all the turkey!

(Kids laugh. Lights fade except for a spotlight on EBONY and PRESENT)

EBONY

What's wrong with the little girl?

PRESENT

They don't know really. They can't afford a specialist to find out. The clinic says it's severe asthma.

EBONY

But she can't walk. Asthma doesn't do that.

PRESENT

But the clinic says...

EBONY
That girl needs a specialist immediately.

PRESENT

Shall we?

(Lights go black)

EBONY

Are you taking me home?

PRESENT

No, to see John Cratchet. He is with someone you know.

(Blue light comes up on JOHN kneeling by covered body)

EBONY

I thought you said he saved someone's life?

PRESENT

He saved one woman, but not the other.

JOHN

(On cell phone)

I'm going to have to call this one. No, don't send the helicopter. I know I'm not a doctor, but I can't do CPR.
Her face has been ripped off. I can't even find a mouth.

(Sighs)

Sorry, to yell, it's just that I know these ladies. The other is stable and on route to the hospital.

(Hangs up phone and holds hand to his face)

Why God? Why do you take the good ones and leave the bad ones like Ebony Scrooge to torment us?

EBONY

Did you hear what he just said?! Did you hear it?!

(Lights fade on JOHN and go to a spotlight on EBONY and PRESENT)

PRESENT Does that upset you?

EBONY

Upset me? I'm furious.

PRESENT

Why do you care about what people think?

EBONY

I... I don't.

PRESENT

Are you curious who was under that blanket?

EBONY

Not really.

PRESENT

Just a little curious.

EBONY

Fine. Who was it?

PRESENT

Remember those two ladies... from the Sisters of Suffering Charity. That is sister Katie.

EBONY

(Mouth drops open)

Sister Katie? But I just saw her...

(Near tears)

I've known her since we were young girls. We went to school together. I always thought she was crazy for
taking a vow of poverty and she thought I was crazy for vowing to get rich. Now she's gone.

(Pause. Starting to get angry)

What were they doing out here this late at night?

PRESENT

They were a few hundred dollars short of their goal. They refused to go home until they had enough.

EBONY
How could they be so stupid?

PRESENT

Stupid? I was think more along the lines of dedicated?

EBONY

(Upset but trying to cover up)

It was greed that killed them.

PRESENT

Greed?

EBONY

(She fights back tears)

They had to have more money. It's never enough for them. It wouldn't matter if I gave them a dollar or a
thousand dollars. They'd still want more.

PRESENT

The money wasn't for them, Ebony Scrooge.

EBONY

What do I care?

PRESENT

(Sighs)

I will take you home now.

(Rings bell. Lights go black. Then come up on EBONY alone)

EBONY

Spirit? Are you still here?

(Silence)

Bah humbug.

(The clock strikes two)

Oh, no.

(Wind. Feels a chill. The lights slowly turn to red)

Hello? Someone here.

(The ghost of Christmas FUTURE appears. FUTURE is completely covered in a cloak. More
chilling wind)

Who are you?

(No answer)

Are you the ghost of Christmas future?

(FUTURE nods)

You frighten me spirit. I don't not wish to see what you want to show me.

(FUTURE points)

No, please...

(Lights fade)

Where are you taking me?

(Red lights come up on CRATCHET family. They are setting the table)

Here again? (JOHN, JENNY, SAM, and CRATCHET sit at table)

CRATCHET

Thank you, lord, for giving us anther Christmas together...

EBONY

Together? Where's the little girl?

(FUTURE points at an empty wheel chair in the corner. Family sadly passes around plate of
food and eats in silence)

The wheel chair. It's empty. Where is she spirit? Is she dead?

(FUTURE nods)

Please spirit, this can't be true.

(FUTURE nods)

It's true? But is it only a possible future? Can it be changed?

(FUTURE doesn't move. Lights fade to black)

Please spirit, tell me it can be changed. That little girl doesn't deserve to die.

(Red lights come up on grave)

*scene of thief stealing and killing some rich old lady

Don't show me her grave, spirit. I get the point. You don't need to show me this.

(FUTURE points)

I don't want to spirit. Please take me home. I've seen enough.

(FUTURE points again)

Fine, I will look.

(EBONY goes to grave and pulls away growth)

No one ever comes here. It's so grown over and dirty.

(Wipes at name)

The name! Ebony Scrooge! It's me... it's my name! Will I die here? What happened to my tomb? Why do I
just have this obscure little gravestone? Did people hate me so bad they even robbed me in death?

(Falls down by grave. FUTURE walks away as she is crying)

Please, spirit. Tell me this can be changed. Tell me I can change all this.

(Lights fade to black)

I dont want to die this way. I don't want that little girl to die.

(Lights come up on restaurant)

It's morning. It's Christmas morning! (Grabs purse)

I have so much to do.

(Starts to go one direction, then the other)

But what to do first?

CRATCHET

(Enters)

Sorry, I'm a little late, Ms. Scrooge. I guess I overslept.

EBONY
 (Looks at watch)

6:05.

CRATCHET

I know. That's whole hour deduction in pay. If I don't start the hour, I don't get paid for the hour.

EBONY

Maybe I should just fire you.

CRATCHER

What? Oh, please no, it won't happen again.

EBONY

Or maybe I should give you a raise and the day off.

CRATCHER

What?

EBONY

It's Christmas. Take the whole day off. I can handle things here.

CRATCHET

Are you serious?

EBONY Dead serious.

(Pulls out money)

Here's the raise in advance. And go get your kids a big turkey out of the fridge for dinner today.

CRATCHET

Thank you. I'm so happy I could hug you.

EBONY Then hug me.

CRATCHET

Now I know you're sick.

 (Hugs EBONY)

EBONY

Wait a second.

(Hands CRATCHET a card from purse)

I was noticing your daughter wasn't looking too well.

CRATCHET

I didn't even know you knew I had a daughter.

EBONY

Two daughters and son to be exact.

CRATCHET

How did you...

EBONY

Never mind that. That card is from my doctor. I want you to take your daughter there and have her
checked.

CRATCHET

But she only has asthma.

EBONY

Maybe, maybe not. I will have my doctor arrange for her to see a specialist. You can't be too careful about
these things.

CRATCHET

Are you sure you're okay?

EBONY

I have never been better.

CRATCHET

Tell you what? My oven won't hold one of those turkeys. How about I cook one here and bring my family
over? We could have Christmas dinner together.

EBONY

With me?
CRATCHET

Of course.

EBONY

Wonderful!

CRATCHET

We live close. I'll be right back.

EBONY

(Hears CAROLERS)

That singing. (Goes to door. Yells)

Hey! Come here.

CAROLER

(Comes to door)

Sorry, Ms. Scrooge. We shouldn't have sung along this block.

EBONY Do you like hot apple cider?

CAROLER Uh... well... I don't know...

EBONY Tell your singers to get in here and we'll have some hot cider. It's on me.

CAROLER

What's the catch?

EBONY

The catch? Oh, well you'll have to sing for me.

CAROLER

But we can't afford to pay the fee to sing here again.

EBONY

Fee? Oh, how much was that?

(Gives CAROLER money)

I forgot to refund you for last night.

(Smiles)

And it's Christmas. The theatre is free on Christmas.

CAROLER (Excited)

I'll get the others.

EBONY

Then I'll take them all the hospital to sing for the patients.

CRATCHET (Enters with children and JOHN)

We're back.

EBONY That was fast.

SAM We live across the street.

EBONY You do?

JOHN All this time Bobbie's worked for you and you haven't noticed?

CRATCHET John, please. Be nice.

EBONY

No, Mrs. Cratchet. He's right. I haven't noticed a lot of things, but that's going to change.

(Goes to TAMMIE)

And how are you this Christmas day?

TAMMIE Wonderful!

EBONY

Good to hear it. (Thinks)

If only I had some presents for you.

SAM Presents?

CRATCHET Sam, don't be greedy.

EBONY Yes, Sam. Greed is a bad thing. It's like a disease that gets into your heart and slowly kills it.

SAM Ew, gross.

TAMMIE Is there a cure?

EBONY Indeed there is. (Pulls out money and gives it to her)

It's called giving.

(Gives SAM and JENNY bills)

Merry Christmas.

SAM

Twenty bucks!

EBONY

Is it not enough?

JOHN

It's too much.

EBONY Please, only this once. I promise I'll get them real presents next year.

CRATCHET
Next year? Is this going to become a tradition?

EBONY

I hope so, I truly hope so. (CAROLERS come in singing)

Ah, it's my favorite song.

CRATCHETI thought you hated Christmas carols.

EBONYNot anymore. (All join CAROLERS in singing)

TAMMIE (At the end of the first song)

God bless us, everyone.

(All start new song)

END OF SHOW