Identity in Coaching

What does identity (knowing who you are, self-awareness) have to do with changing
habits?

One of the most important factors involved in overall well-being is having a strong
sense of self-awareness. Gaining true self-awareness and understanding of one’s
fundamental role in the world (purpose) gives direction in life.

Human beings understand themselves in relation to other people. We are embedded

in complex social networks and play different roles based on who we are interacting
with. We act and think differently when we are with our parents compared to when
we are with our friends. We wear different versions of “us” according to the
situation. The process by which a person shifts their personality to correctly align
with the social situation at hand can be known as adaptation. This begs the question,
who is the real “you”? Is it the “friend-you” or the “work-you”? Perhaps it is the
“family-you”? The truest “you” is the one who is the believer, the one whose trust is
in God, and who lives by his wisdom.  This “you” is not a separate identity; but the
primary “you” that influences all the other versions of “you.”

The most important element, which is at the very core of your identity is who you
believe you are. (In many cultures, identity is formed by who you believe your group
is, for “I am because we are.” It is a different identity formation process. The group
opinion overtakes your own personal sense of self.

Identity (understanding the process behind the formation of the self) is a vital
aspect in coaching because it reveals the sources of the choices and behaviors that
the person will make and do regardless of how much the person wants to change.

Spending time, money, and energy in trying to change a habit, a behavior, an

outcome, a look, a health condition, etc., without considering changing the identity,
is worthless. It is like pretending to change the quality of the fruits of a tree without
addressing the roots.

The key to building lasting changes is focusing on creating a new identity first,
which means hearing God’s wisdom and purpose for us and allowing that to align
our understanding of who we are and why we exist. Your current behaviors are
simply a reflection of your current identity. What you do now is a mirror image of
the type of person you believe that you are (either consciously or subconsciously).
To change your behavior for good, you need to start believing new things about
yourself. You need to build identity-based habits. 1 By focusing on receiving a more
correct understanding of who you can be, through the mercy of God, you will be
nurturing the roots and the results will be better fruits.

There are three levels at which change can occur. You can imagine them to be like
the layers of an onion.2

The first layer is changing your outcomes. This level is concerned with changing
your results: losing weight, publishing a book, and winning a championship. Most of
the goals you set are associated with this level of change.
The second layer is changing your process. This level is concerned with changing
your habits and systems: implementing a new routine at the gym, de-cluttering
your desk for better workflow, developing mindful eating practices. Most of the
habits you build are associated with this level.
The third and deepest layer is changing your identity. This level is concerned
with changing your beliefs: your worldview, your self-image, your judgments about
yourself and others. Most of the beliefs, assumptions, and biases you hold are
associated with this level.

Many people begin the process of changing their habits by focusing on what they
want to achieve. This leads us to outcome-based habits. The alternative is to build
identity-based habits. With this approach, we start by focusing on who we wish to
become.

1
James Clear, Atomic Habits (Avery, Oct 16,2018)
2
Simon Sinek, Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action (London:
Portfolio/Penguin, 2013), 37.
Coaching Time
• What do the people who know you well like about you?
• What do you think you already know about your God-given strengths and
abilities?
• Can you name at least 3 abilities and God-given strengths that you have?
• What picture or image would describe you? Why?

The Negative Side of Identity

• A person identifies himself as a failure due to all of his past

disappointments. “I am not going to lose weight because I am always
breaking my health promises. I am a failure.”
• A person identifies herself as or thinks that he/she is unqualified
because she comes from a diabetic family. She thinks she is unable to
overcome her sugar cravings.
• A person identifies himself as unpopular because he always hangs
out with people who don’t understand him.

Identity and Coaching

 • “I am not going to lose weight because I am always breaking my health
promises. I am a failure.” The main aspect to help the person in this scenario
is to re-evaluate his/her identity. The more she thinks she is a failure, the less
positive outcome she will have.
• But without “updating” and re-calibrating perceptions with reality, these
mental constructs imprison an individual into a particular identity. 3
• The coach can help the person identify the “GAP” between who they are now
and who they want to become.
• The coach can help people to tap into God’s power. Our will is like a battery,
for some is AAA, for others A, and for some it can be as big as a C! But no
matter the size, soon it is bound to be exhausted and that will be the lifespan
of its change. What if instead of connecting to our battery, we could tap into
God’s atomic power? What if you let God be in control, not your will alone?
Mary did; it changed everything....

Mary had always struggled with losing weight. She thought that a losing few extra kilos
might save her marriage and give her the confidence she lacked. But after days, weeks,
and even two months, she failed to remain on track. Years later I saw Mary.
She looked great. When I asked her the secret of her diet, she surprised me:
“When I discovered that God loves me as I am, I decided to stop pleasing people, even
myself and I asked every morning, “Dear God, you know that I cannot do this, can you
please help me to make healthy food choices? Can you walk with me when I try to
exercise? Can you give me the wisdom to see right from wrong and the power to chose
right?”
It was not a diet, but new thinking and hope in the power of God that led her to small
changes daily that today have resulted in a new lifestyle.

Who God Is

Names in the Middle East are very significant because they have meaning, and that
meaning has to do with the character or the life-calling of the person. God’s
character and names help us understand Who He is.

Ar-Rahman (‫ )الرحمن‬The All-Compassionate

Ar-Rahim (‫ )الرحيم‬The All-Merciful
Al-Malik (‫ )الملك‬The Absolute Ruler
Al-Quddus (‫ )القدوس‬The Pure One
As-Salam (‫ )السالم‬The Source of Peace
Al-Mu’min (‫ )المؤمن‬The Inspirer of Faith
3
Tiant R. Mitchell “Identity and the Paradigm of Crime” Psychology Today,, Dec 08, 2018
Al-Muhaymin (‫ )المهيمن‬The Guardian
Al-Aziz (‫ )العزيز‬The Victorious

Al-Jabbar (‫ )الجبار‬The Compeller

Al-Mutakabbir (‫ )المتكبر‬The Greatest

Al-Khaliq (‫ )الخالق‬The Creator

Al-Bari’ (‫ )البارئ‬The Maker of Order
Al-Musawwir (‫ )المصور‬The Shaper of Beauty
Al-Ghaffar (‫ )الغفار‬The Forgiving
Al-Qahhar (‫ )القهار‬The Subduer
Al-Wahhab (‫ )الوهاب‬The Giver of All
Ar-Razzaq (‫ )الرزاق‬The Sustainer
Al-Fattah (‫ )الفتاح‬The Opener
Al-`Alim (‫ )العليم‬The Knower of All

These are just some of his characteristics and names. Islam has 99 names for God. It
is impossible to name or define an all-powerful God, but we can attempt to
appreciate at least 7 aspects of God:

1. God is love

• Nabi Musa said “The LORD did not set his love upon you, nor choose you, because
ye were more in number than any people; for ye [were] the fewest of all people. But
because the LORD loved you, and because he would keep the oath which he had
sworn unto your fathers…” Deuteronomy 7:7-8  
God loved and chose Israel in spite of their few numbers. Real love always has an
oath implied just because real love delights in giving itself and committing to a
relationship.

2. God is the Creator of Everything

• Nabi Dawood said in Psalms 33:6-9.  “By the word of the Lord were the heavens
made; and all the host of them by the breath of His mouth.” 
 You have to realize the size of the universe to understand how great He is. . .
A few facts about the universe as we know it:
• Travelling at the speed of light it would take 100,000 light years to cross our
galaxy from one side to the other.  (One light year = approximately 6 trillion miles.)
• There are an estimated 100 billion galaxies in the universe, many comprising
billions of stars.  
• Galaxies come in clusters and super clusters.  There are about 20 galaxies in
our cluster and thousands of galaxies in our super cluster.  
• At the speed of light you will reach the next closest galaxy in 2 million light years
and the next closest cluster of galaxies in 20 million light years. 
 
3. God is the Life-giver and Sustainer
• Nabi Musa described in Gen 2:7 “And the Lord God formed man… and breathed
into his nostrils the breath of life and man became a living soul.”

4. God is faithful

• Nabi Musa wrote in Deut 7:9 “…the faithful God”; Lam 3:21-24 “Great is thy

faithfulness.”
• Root word “faithful” means stable, steady, firm, supportive, carrying and caring as
for a child, guarding, sustaining, nourishing, permanent, true, and
certain. (Deut 1:31 The Lord thy God bare thee as a man doth bear his son)

5. God is awe-inspiring

• Nabi Musa described in Exodus 19:16: “All the people at Sinai trembled.”

• Isaiah 6:1-5 “…I saw also the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up…Then
said I, Woe is me! For I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell
in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the LORD
of hosts.”

6. God is just
• Nabi Musa said in Deut. 32:4 “He is the Rock, his work is perfect: for all his
ways are judgment: a God of truth and without iniquity, just and right is He.”
• Isaiah 13:11 “And I will punish the world for their evil, and the wicked for their
iniquity; and I will cause the arrogance of the proud to cease, and will lay low the
haughtiness of the terrible.” 

7. God is merciful
Nabi Dawood said in Psalm 103:8 “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger,
and plenteous in mercy.”
Mercy is not doing away with justice. With God, mercy is possible only because
someone else has borne the justice.  He bore it.

How would belief or unbelief in God’s character change a person’s

perspective?

God based Identity

 • Your identity, your security, your acceptability come from who God is and
not how you feel. 4
• God-based identity is defined in terms of
 What God does to us and the relationship he creates with us.
 The destiny he appoints for us.
• God made us who we are so we could make known who He is. Our identity is
for the sake of making known His identity.5 What this means is that we reflect
his image, rule with his authority, and are able to distinguish between right
and wrong because of His wisdom.
• The chief purpose of man is to know God and receive the love of God that
heals the lies which Satan has told us about ourselves. Knowing the truth sets
us free to be transformed by God’s love.

How does God give us a new identity?

Is it a woman’s story?
Or God’s Story?

“Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for
thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy
youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.
For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts [is] his name; and thy
Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be
called.
For the LORD hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit,
and a wife of youth, when thou was refused, saith thy God…
For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness
shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be
removed, saith the LORD that hath mercy on thee.
O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay
thy stones with fair colors, and lay thy foundations with sapphires.
And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and
all thy borders of pleasant stones.
And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; and great shall be the
peace of thy children.

4
Ann Voskamp, The Broken way (Grand Rapids: Michigan. Zondervan: 2016,) p. 188
5
John Piper, Desiring God
 In righteousness shalt thou be established: thou shalt be far from
oppression; for thou shalt not fear: and from terror; for it shall not come
near thee.
Behold, they shall surely gather together, but not by me: whosoever shall
gather together against thee shall fall for thy sake.
No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue
that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the
heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me,
saith the LORD.”
Isaiah 54:4-17

Coaching Time

In what condition is the woman of the story?

What can you say about her identity? How does she view herself? How do others see
her?
Does God have an identity for her?
What role does God play in the new identity/life he is offering to her?
Can a woman be a servant and a wife?

Results of a Positive Identity Results of a Negative Identity

 Releases me to love my family

 Frees me to forgive those who have
hurt me and told lies about me.
 Inspires true joy from the heart,
regardless the circumstances, so
that my influence upon others
become a constant blessing
• Exhibits consistency in my
relationship with God and my
community
• Hopeful for the future
• Free to Boldly Dream
• Full of confidence in God,
recognizing and honoring His
power to change me from the
inside
• Have my feelings as the
center of my life
• Extreme ups & downs in my
personal relationships
• Worried about the future
• Many insecurities about
how others accept me or
reject me
• Obeying God but feeling
alone inside
They would experience life through
many lenses and relative truth.
What kind of guidance has God revealed for building a healthy identity?

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and
female he created them.” Genesis 1:27

This is beautiful—men and women make visible the most beautiful representation
of God. Not that we ever become gods, but that he has chosen to be his khalifas,
representatives, and for that he has put his love, law, and character that we may
reflect them.

Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth. This is the first command given to us. Our
lives are not just for preservation, but to see growth that will add something to
others. There is not happiness in living for oneself; the happy person knows that the
secret of joy is to live looking for how to be a blessing for someone else.
Nabi Dawood wrote, Psalms 139:3-4 “For You formed my inmost being; You knit me
together in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully
made. Marvelous are Your works, and I know this very well.”

Coaching Time
 Growing up, what things did your family and friends tell you that may have
shaped what you believe about yourself? Are those things worthy to pass on
to your children? What is and, what is not?
 If you could imagine yourself as a confident person, what would that person
be like?
 What have life experiences shown you about situations where you were
confident?
God’s Identity and Coaching

• If we’re honest with ourselves, If our sense of who we are depends on what
people say that we are, we will always feel insecure. Those who hide it best often
feel it most. But our insecurity is an invitation from God to escape the danger of
false beliefs about who we are and find true peace in Who He is.

• Once the person is aware of her/his identity, the coach can help them identify
the “GAP” between who they are now and whom God desire’s them to be.

Coaching Moment
Coaching is as unique as a person is. There are not two identical coaching times due
to the fact that every person’s responses are unique and different from one to
another. But let’s see a practical example of what an identity coaching moment could
be so you would know how to use the chart.

- Health Partner: Where are you now?

- Cindy: I am not going to lose weight because I am always breaking my
health promises. I am a failure.
- Health Partner: How might coaching to be useful?
- Cindy: I need help to lose weight.
- Health Partner: What do you like about yourself?
- Cindy: I don't know… I am not sure… I am a faithful friend.
- Health Partner: What picture or image would describe you?
- Cindy: Like a broken flower
- Health Partner: If you could imagine yourself as a confident person,
what would that person be like?
- Cindy: I would be a secure, confident person. Knowing where boundaries
go and their limits. As well as using my time wisely. I would be a happy
person. I would be doing exercise.
- Health partner: If you would see yourself as God’s sees you, how would
your life be different?
- Cindy: I wouldn’t be afraid to risk or go out of my comfort zone. I would
be a secure, and happy person. I would not be discouraged by negative
thoughts about my weight.
- Health Partner: What steps are you willing to take to begin to “put on”
your new identity in God?
 - Cindy: I would need to be closer to God to trust more in Him, like praying
more or reading my Bible more. I am willing to give God my negative
thoughts. I want to start an exercise program and set a time that I commit
to that.
- Health Partner: When precisely are you going to start reading your Bible
or praying more?
- Cindy: I will start reading 10 minutes a day, after I come from work in the
evening.
- Health Partner: How are you going to give your negative thoughts to
God?
- Cindy: When I think I’m a failure I will think of a promise in the Bible
- Health Partner: When and how will you include weekly exercise? (Days,
time, type of exercise)
- Cindy: After reading my Bible in the evenings, I will walk 4,000 steps.

Date: 12- 4 -2019 Session No: 1 Date: Session No:

Outcome: Outcome:
I need to be more confident.
Set up boundaries and limits
Know how to handle negative thoughts

My Goals: My Goals:
1. Take time to read my Bible and pray
2. Give negative thoughts to God
3. Set up time to exercise weekly

My Action Steps: My Action Steps:

1. Every day after work I will read the Bible
for 10 min.
2. I will think on a Bible promise when
negative thoughts come.
3. I will walk 4,000 steps in the evening after
reading my Bible.

Prayer Coaching

Once you finish your coaching process and have clear views of the person’s identity
outcome and homework, ask permission to pray about it. Pray for the discovery and
acceptance of a new identity for the person you are coaching and for the homework
for that week.