LESSON 14

RECONCILIATION

STEP 9
" We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so
would injure them or others."
Matthew 5:23-24
If therefore you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your
brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, and go
your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.

THINK ABOUT IT
Listing the people we've hurt is quite different from listing the people we've hurt and
preparing to go to them in person, actually admitting the wrongs we've done, owning up
to our responsibility, and working to make it right.
Step 9 is the action we need to do: to approach the people we've offended and ask for
their forgiveness, and being willing to accept forgiveness from God and from others
because these are essential elements in repairing relationships.

A. PURPOSE OF MAKING DIRECT AMENDS

Why do we have to make direct amends? We have to make direct amends because
 we have hurt someone
 we've said something we should not have said
 we did something we should not have done
 we've let someone down or their hurt their feelings
 we took something that didn't belong to us
 we gossiped and lost our temper
 we made talse assumptions or took someone tor granted
 we've emotionally wounded someone we loved
 we ve oftended someone we used to work with, a neighbor, a friend, or a relative
When we hurt or disappoint someone, we take something away from them. Usually that
something is trust.
Making amends involves a change of heart and behavior.
Saying “I’m sorry” to someone we've offended is not enough. Throwing that word out
there is meaningless unless we also communicate that we truly understand how we've
hurt the other person and what we intend to make things right. In fact, the exercises at
the end of this lesson will help us identity our part in hurting the other party. We have to
practice this with our accountability group.
Hopefully, the offended party will forgive us. But, we must understand that this may not
always happen right away. Forgiveness can take time, and it may not come to us just
because we have asked for it. Hurting someone's feelings will have consequences. The
apology may be an ongoing process as we continue to work toward earning back the
trust the offended party has lost in us.
Step 9 is, theretore, a step wherein we demonstrate our changed heart and behavior to
others.
Matthew 5:23-24
If therefore you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your
brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, and go
your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.
Jesus words indicate that we cannot get around with reconciling a broken relationship
simply by performing an act of service to God in the ministry or church. Such would be
seeking an easier or softer way out. Donating to a church to circumvent the payment of
an old debt will not be enough. Teaching children's Sunday school to make up for the
neglect of our own children will not work.
Both Scripture and Step 9 indicate that amends are to be made directly to the offended
party whenever possible.
When an offender tries to make amends, he shows a willingness to take responsibility
for the offense, and manifests the sincerity of his confession and repentance for it.

B. RECONCILIATION IS THE PRODUCT OF STEP9

Reconciliation, therefore, is the culmination of the interpersonal aspects of these steps.
It has to do with the relationship between an offender and the victim who has suffered
loss and harm from the offense. Reconciliation involves the restoration of harmony,
trust, and peace between people in conflict.
Making direct amends does not make the harm disappear. But it does acknowledge that
the offender owes a debt to the victim and community and seeks to pay that debt.
In this way, the offender's efforts to make direct amends can play a vital role
 in repairing harm,
 restoring material or nonmaterial loss, and
 contributing to possible reconciliation with the victim.
When the offender and victim genuinely make the effort to begin and work through the
processes of taking responsibility, confession, repentance, forgiveness, and making
amends-reconciliation between them becomes a real possibility.
Reconciliation is an end result of a process that must include some sort of sacrifice so
that friendship and harmony can continue. However, making amends may or may not
lead to reconciliation. It may or may not lead to continued relationship. But let us not
forget that we are not in charge of what it leads to.
Proverbs 21:3
To do righteousness and justice is desired by the Lord rather than sacrifice.
When we become willing to make amends, we are honoring God by doing whatever
justice needs to be done under the circumstances. It also puts us in the right place of
worship.
Finally, although this step does not spell out a time frame, it is important to get it done
as quickly as we can. On a practical level, this usually means getting the bulk of our
amends done as soon as possible with our family, friends, coworkers, and bosses who
can be approached in a relatively short time.

C. HOW DO WE APPLY THIS LESSON?

It is so tempting to skip this step. We want to believe that, for example, our children
were too young to be affected by our addiction, or that we had been successful in hiding
our problem at work. Of course, if we are honest with ourselves, we will see that this is
not true. Even if the people we harmed did not actually realize we were addicted before,
we still did cause problems, and we need to make amends.
If we truly don't know how to reach someone, or how to find him or her, we can only stay
willing in case they surface.
Apologies, while not sufficient in themselves, are often a necessary part of making
amends. In some cases, we can do nothing more than to apologize.
However, making direct amends may not always be possible. Some of the people we
have harmed may have died, or we may have lost contact with them. In such cases, an
indirect form of restitution may be appropriate. For example, a debt could be repaid to
the surviving child of a creditor.
In a few cases, making amends may be skipped-and this is when an apology on our
part would harm someone else or the person we are apologizing to. We bear in mind
that this is not about if such an apology would hurt us. It will only be to honor God.