OLET1115

(Im)Politeness in Global Society

Topics of conversation

When we meet people for the first time, or when making small talk in social
situation, it is common in all cultures to ask them questions. It is a way of finding out
things about the person we are talking to. It is also a good way to show interest in them
(or pretending to, which may be just as good!). These conversations usually focus on
‘safe’ topics, which will not be perceived by the other as offensive or upsetting.
However, what is a ‘safe’ topic can vary widely between cultures. For example, in
China, when meeting someone for the first time people will often as them: “how old are
you?” “are you married?” or “how many children you have?” All these questions may
seem too direct to an Australian speaker. But in China, it is important to know another
person’s age and marital status. This helps us understand their social role, so that we
can behave with the correct level of politeness towards them. For similar reasons, in
China it is also acceptable to ask what is someone’s position at work, and what is their
salary.
By contrast, Australians tend to ask questions about leisure and interests. So
they might ask a stranger “what did you do on the weekend?” This can come across as
very puzzling, and even off-putting, to Asian and European people. To them, this kind of
question seems too inquisitive, and encroaching on their privacy. You may think you are
just making small talk and being nice. They may think that it is none of your business
what they do on the weekend!

In some cases, what is considered a private or public issue can vary also
depending on historical circumstances. If we don't know the context, we can be very
surprised. Here is a good story that exemplifies that.
In the late 1990s, an Australian colleague travelled to Indonesia. She got into a
taxi at the airport, and got quickly stuck in traffic. To pass the time, the taxi driver
started making conversation. One of the first questions he asked her was: “So, madam,
what kind of contraception are you on?” Needless to say, the passenger was taken
aback. Where was a question like that coming from? How can contraception be an
acceptable topic for small talk between a taxi driver and a passenger? Well, the
Indonesian government at the time had embarked in a massive campaign to promote
family planning. Contraception was the talk of the day. It was discussed in newspapers
and on the radio. It had become an acceptable, even obvious topic of conversation.
Realising that this was background helped turn the passenger’s response from one of
outrage to one of amusement. Unfortunately, she did not tell me what her answer was.
We will have to live with that curiosity!

Another interesting area is expressing personal opinions. In China and Japan,
when making conversation in a professional or school environment, it is unusual for a
subordinate to give their opinion in the presence of a superior. And it is almost
impossible for someone to contradict a superior in front of others. This does not mean
that people in China and Japan cannot have a different opinion from their boss! But it is
considered very rude to state it publicly in his or her presence.
On the other hand, in China, when among peers, opinions are expressed much
more strongly than one would do in Australia. The same is true for Italy. Among friends
in Italy it is perfectly acceptable to express in strong terms your view on a controversial
topic. In the Italian context, it is socially acceptable to argue loudly over sports or
politics with friends and even acquaintances. Of course this does not mean that
everyone is fighting all the time. In fact there are many Italian people who have mellow
personalities and don’t like arguing. But what I want to stress here is that they will not
see it as culturally inappropriate. They simply don't like it on a personal level. That
makes a big difference, as we will see.

Politics is in fact a topic that in many cultures people prefer to avoid in casual
conversations. It is seen as a sensitive area, where people may disagree strongly, so it is
best to avoid it altogether. In the Arab world, on the other hand, politics and religion are
perfectly acceptable topics, even with strangers. It is socially acceptable to ask person
out front their married status, their religious affiliation, and their political views. By
contrast, a topic to avoid in Arabic speaking countries is money. You never ask someone
how much they earn. You normally don’t ask how much someone paid for things either,
even within the family. This is partly related to the concept of evil eye. If you disclose
information about your wealth, or about your spending, which is an indirect measure of
your wealth, that might create envy. And according to the belief in the evil eye, envy can
bring misfortune. Interestingly, believing in the evil eye depends on context and
relationship with the person you disclose information to. So, you might share the price
of your house with a close friend, whom you think would always you wish you good. But
you might not talk about it with a close relative that you do not trust much.

Of course, like in everything, this is also a matter of personality. Regardless of
their language and culture, there are people who are shy, and people who never stop
talking. There are people who are confident, and people who are afraid of saying what
they think. What is different is what is socially acceptable, what is considered ‘normal’
or ‘common sense.’ And this is what it often difficult for us to recognize, precisely
because common sense is what we take for granted. We will look at more examples of
these dynamics in our other modules.