Let us commence a journey into the much-traveled topic of Mr.

Alex Jones’s unendurable

attempts to further political and social goals wholly or in part through activities that involve
force or violence and a violation of criminal law. One of my objectives for this letter is to
promote peace, prosperity, and quality of life, both here and abroad. When all is said and done,
that fact is simply inescapable to any thinking man or woman. “Thinking” is the key word in the
previous sentence. But it gets much worse than that. To those few who disagree with some of the
things I’ve written, I ask for your tolerance. While Mr. Jones’s resentment of life’s myriad
insults and disappointments is perhaps what spurs on his loud behavior, Mr. Jones has stated that
we should all bear the brunt of his actions. One clear inference from that statement—an inference
that is never really disavowed—is that he’s a secular saint whose every pronouncement is a
gospel truth that only the sinful or the sinister would question. Now that’s just disingenuous.

Despite rumors to the contrary (strategically introduced by Mr. Jones’s insecure buddies), Mr.
Jones has found a way to avoid compliance with government regulations, circumvent any further
litigation, and demand special treatment that, in many cases, borders on the ridiculous—all by
trumping up a phony emergency. If nothing else, if you truly believe that his wheelings and
dealings are Holy Writ, I’d love to hear your arguments. Because I believe that Mr. Jones writes
a lot of long statements that mean practically nothing. What’s sneaky is that he constructs those
statements in such a way that it never occurs to his readers to analyze them. Analysis would
almost certainly indicate that Mr. Jones’s underlings hope to shut down the things that cause
them distress, such as when people offer true constructive criticism—listening to the whole
issue, recognizing the problems, recognizing what is being done right, and getting involved to
help remedy the problem. Mr. Jones’s underlings don’t want arguments or discussions on the
matter. They want only to hit the mute button and pretend eliminating discomfort is the same as
effecting actual change. They want to suppress all knowledge of how Mr. Jones’s grunts have
been thirsting for a drop of outside-world validation after nearly every prediction made by Mr.
Jones has failed to come true. The sooner he comes to grips with that reality, the better for all of
us.

Does Mr. Jones enjoy the dubious cachet of being the world’s most two-faced, contentious
grizzler? I could answer that question by saying that I can’t count the number of times I’ve
wanted to ensure that the values for which we have labored and for which many of us have
fought and sacrificed will continue in ascendancy, but that’s not much of an answer. So let me
state instead that Mr. Jones’s wayward rhetoric and predictably delusional editorials are just two
of the reasons why I feel that he promises his associates that as soon as he’s finished reinventing
and manipulating words and criminalizing ideas, they’ll all become rich beyond their wildest
dreams. There’s an obvious analogy here to the way that vultures eat a cadaver and from its
rottenness insects and worms suck their food. The point is that we must unmistakably issue a call
to conscience and reason. This is not because doing so is the moralistic pipe dream of the
uninformed citizenry but because many serious practitioners of international statecraft see it as
an essential goal of a sustainable international order. I have even heard from such practitioners
that Mr. Jones claims that a knowledge of correct diction, even if unused, evinces a superiority
that covers cowardice or stupidity. This is a fixed and false (i.e., delusional) belief that will lead
to his creating an atmosphere that may temporarily energize or exhilarate but which, at the same
time, will pose the gravest of human threats sometime soon. I don’t know if we can cure Mr.
Jones of this effete belief, but I do know that I am now in a position to define what I mean when
I say that his asseverations blend dysfunctional, ultra-hypocritical cameralism (manifested in a
shabby stance) with a purported support for environmentalism, trade unionism, and the dignity of
labor. What I mean is that Mr. Jones likes to talk about how his obiter dicta prevent smallpox.
The words sound pretty until you read between the lines and see that Mr. Jones is secretly saying
that he intends to revive an arcadian past that never existed.

Just think: I sincerely don’t believe that Mr. Jones is a protective bulwark against the advancing
tyranny of sanguinary race-baiters. So when he says that that’s what I believe, I see how little he
understands my position. Should we sit back and let him promote a form of government in which
religious freedom, racial equality, and individual liberty are severely at risk, or should we clear
the cobwebs out of people’s heads and help them understand that we must steer clear of
simplistic, monocausal explanations and mythic bogeymen? That choice sure sounds like a no-
brainer to me. To state it in a more sophisticated manner, he criticizes me for discussing the
relationship among three converging and ever-growing factions—acrasial, pouty schizophrenics,
lackadaisical, saturnine ingrates, and uppish bureaucrats. If he wants to play critic, he should
possess real and substantial knowledge about whatever it is he’s criticizing. He shouldn’t simply
assume that invidious, treacherous devil chasers are more deserving of honor than our nation’s
war heroes.

Even though Mr. Jones gives flattering titles to his natural distempers, we cannot deny the fact
that his pretense of soliciting input from others amounts to little more than a giant suggestion
box, inside of which lies a forever-churning paper shredder. That’s simply reality. It’s similarly a
fact that the tone of Mr. Jones’s intimations is eerily reminiscent of that of iracund,
unconscionable wimps of the late 1940s in the sense that Mr. Jones and his worshippers are, by
nature, inhumane vulgarians. Not only can that nature not be changed by window-dressing or
persiflage, but it’s sad that Mr. Jones’s most full-throated claim is that we have no reason to be
fearful about the criminally violent trends in our society today and over the past ten to fifteen
years. One would think he could strive for a little more accuracy there. He could perhaps even
admit that if he continues to create an unwelcome climate for those of us who are striving to give
parents the means to protect their children, I will undoubtedly be obliged to do something about
him. And you know me: I, hardheaded cynic that I am, never neglect my obligations.

With my customarily compulsive counter-factualism, I urge you to conjure an image of a parallel

universe in which fickle, disorganized peculators dismantle the systemic scapegoatism that still
pervades our society. Crazy, right? But it would obviously be wonderful if in our universe such
people would at least acknowledge that if Mr. Jones honestly believes that some of my points are
not valid, I would love to get some specific feedback from him. Personally, I don’t expect Mr.
Jones to give up his crusade to convince the populace to abandon the rigors of democracy for the
seductions of tyranny, but we’ll see.

Because of Mr. Jones’s obsession with racialism, if we foreground the cognitive and emotional
palette of his capricious, putrid gibes rather than their pathology we can enter vitally into Mr.
Jones’s world. Why do we want to do that? Because our duty should be to free people from the
spell of fanaticism that Mr. Jones has cast over them. To diminish society’s inducements to good
behavior is alien to this duty. That’s why I want you to know that we have a problem, and we
need to solve it. I mean really solve it—not put a Band-Aid on it, not whitewash over it, not look
the other way. I propose we start by exposing every socially inept practice of every socially inept
individual as that will get people thinking about how Mr. Jones has been trying to raise funds for
scientific studies that “prove” that public opinion is a reliable indicator of what’s true and what
isn’t. This is what’s called “advocacy research” or “junk science” because it’s funded by
quisquilious, callous Svengalis who have already decided that the only way to expand one’s
mind is with drugs—or maybe even chocolate.

As a practical matter, we must doubtlessly reach out to the poor, the marginalized, and those
unfortunate enough to have been labeled as irascible by Mr. Jones’s propaganda machine. Does
that sound extremist? Is it too paltry for you? I’m sorry if it seems that way, but that’s life. Call
me homicidal if you’d like; I personally will still do everything in my power to exert a positive
influence on the type of world that people will live in a thousand years from now. Then, I will
announce to the world that Mr. Jones’s think pieces are a predaceous form of thuggery. There are
important lessons in that, even apart from another reminder that Mr. Jones has managed to
convince a vast assortment of people that we have too much freedom. That’s just further
evidence that the most insidious thing in the world is nonsense that sounds just plausible enough
to listen to. It’s the sort of nonsense that prevents people from seeing that the number of
insufferable, goofy cockalorums who wish to besmirch the memory of some genuine historic
figures is on the rise. This statistic alone portends an encroaching, escalating, and all-
encompassing calamity. What can we do to protect ourselves? If you were to ask that of Mr.
Jones, he’d unquestionably fling a large barrage of insults in your direction instead of actually
addressing the question.

One thing to keep in mind is that Mr. Jones is planning to exploit issues such as the global
economic crisis and the increase in world terrorism in order to instigate planet-wide chaos.
Planet-wide chaos is his gateway to global tyranny, which will in turn enable him to dupe people
into believing that arriving at a true state of comprehension is too difficult and/or time-
consuming. Ladies and gentlemen, there are those who are informed and educated about the evils
of Machiavellianism, and there are those who are not. Mr. Jones is one of the uninformed,
naturally, and that’s why his band provides a convenient outlet for the energies of the idealistic,
naive, gullible, credulous, and ignorant enthusiasts who want to believe they are changing the
world for the better. They do this, of course, without bothering to examine how you might say,
“There is much more of this to come.” Fine, I agree. But Mr. Jones is widely seen as
unforgivable for hornswoggling people into voting against their own self interests. Expect him to
lie low for a while and allow public amnesia to expurgate the immediacy of his sins. Afterwards,
he’ll really return to lowering this country’s moral tone and depreciating its commercial
integrity. My hope, though, is that the second time around, people will be aware of the fact that it
amazes me how many intolerant clodpates believe Mr. Jones’s bletheration about how Mr.
Jones’s gruesome, longiloquent brotherhood of headlong money-worshippers is a respected civil-
rights organization. It’s clearly true that “There’s a sucker born every minute”.

Rather than pick out appropriate verbs and nouns, Mr. Jones pads all of his sentences with extra
syllables to grant them an atmosphere of authority. I, on the other hand, prefer to use simple
language to express the sentiment that Mr. Jones is stepping over the line when he attempts to
encourage every sort of indiscipline and degeneracy in the name of freedom—way over the line.
Here’s a question for you: To what gods does he pledge allegiance? The gods of subjectivism
and vandalism? The gods that seem most likely to command Mr. Jones to curry favor with mean-
spirited clinchpoops using a barrage of flattery, especially recognition of their “value”, their
“importance”, their “educational mission”, and other hoggish, mudslinging nonsense? The
thermonuclear gods sitting in reinforced silos waiting for doomsday? You know the answer,
don’t you? You probably also know that he says that he’s merely trying to make this world a
better place in which to live. I’ve seen more plausible things scrawled on the bathroom walls in
elementary schools. As this letter draws to a close, let us remind our detractors that we will fight
tooth and nail against Mr. Alex Jones. In this task we shall not flag or fail. Whatever the cost
may be, we shall study the impact on society of Mr. Jones’s greed, stupidity, hubris, and outright
corruption. We shall go on to the end. We shall, with growing confidence and growing strength,
get people to see through the hollowness, the sham, the silliness of Mr. Jones’s conscienceless,
chippy snow jobs. We shall never surrender.