Brodricks 1

Writer's Name : Eghosasere Brodricks

Subject : Essay Center
Institution : University of West Georgia
Course : ENGL 1101
Level/Title
Writing Title : Argumentative Synthesis Essay
Description of : select two-course texts that offer parallel, opposing, or adjacent viewpoints
the assignment on/representations of one of the topics we�ve discussed. Then, develop
your argument by using one text to �read� or interpret the other or by
comparing and contrasting both texts� arguments toward an original
argument about your theme/topic
Areas of : Introduction/Conclusion, Word Choice
Interest

Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also
embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing
Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Brodricks! My name is Danielle H. and I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center
Review to improve your writing today. I see that you have submitted multiple drafts of this essay and
commend your diligence to continue refining this work. Let's get started on this draft!

*Writing Strength: 
Brodricks, you effectively compare two portrayals of masculinity. You maintain the focus of the essay
on what the author and company were seeking to display and pull out distinct and significant
comments to consider. This not only accomplishes the purpose of the essay but provides many
opportunities for thoughtful reflection, inviting the reader to grapple with important ideas. Nicely
done!

*Eghosasere 11091376, you requested help with Introduction/Conclusion:   

Strong introductions provide a few pieces of information to the audience. They should introduce the
topic, state the purpose of the essay, and outline the points that will be addressed to explain or prove
the point. While each introduction will vary to some degree, they should each contain these elements.
Currently, your introduction contains information that could be shortened or eliminated to make the
main point more evident.

For example, it is helpful to provide a bit of background for both pieces you are evaluating, but a
sentence-long summary is sufficient. The fact that Cross loves Martha, for instance, is never
mentioned again in the essay and is not necessary here. Additionally, it appears that this essay is
evaluating two ideas: elements of masculinity and the fact that masculinity is fragile. What is the focus
of your paper? Centering on a specific idea will make your analysis more comprehensive. For more on
this topic, refer to Effective Introductions, in the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook.

*Eghosasere 11091376, you requested help with Word Choice:   

Watch for consecutive sentences containing repetition. For example, the paragraph on taking
responsibility uses the term “masculine status” repeatedly in consecutive sentences, as well as
describing taking responsibility, that taking responsibility earns masculine status, and the dangers of
not taking responsibility in several sentences.
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Creating written variety in this case involves two types of editing. The first is to identify repeated
words or phrases. Some can be eliminated altogether, others can be replaced with a synonym such as
“identity,” “position,” or “standing,” and a few can be kept. The second is to communicate information
in a concise manner. Rather than using several sentences to repeat the idea of why taking
responsibility is masculine, explain this in one sentence. When introducing a new idea, such as the
results of not taking responsibility, use another sentence. If you would like to elaborate, use a specific
example rather than repeated explanation.

Content Development 
Your overall perspective on masculinity is difficult to pin down. Are you declaring that masculinity is
positive and something to strive for, negative and something to change, or something that all men are
simply forced to maintain despite difficulties? Part of this confusion stems from the second point, that
masculinity involves hiding feelings. You mention that this is a negative aspect, yet it is frequently
stated as a core of masculinity alongside the positive attributes of accountability and taking control.

As you identify the central idea you are communicating about masculinity, your content can be
developed accordingly. For instance, if you are seeking to communicate that masculinity is positive,
hiding feelings can be examined from the perspective of caring for others by internalizing pain. If you
are demonstrating that masculinity should be changed, you could explore how even the positive
qualities have room for societal growth. However, a central theme should unite the exploration of all
three.

Summary of Next Steps: 

 Use the introduction to share the most necessary information

 
 Avoid repetitive sentences
 
 Develop the points around a central theme

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review, Brodricks. I enjoyed helping you with this step in
the revision process. Have a good day! –Danielle H.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer's
Handbook.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.

Brodricks Eghosasere

Professor Peterson

English 1101-10/L02

30 April 2019

Masculinity- A Fragile Social Status in O'Brien's “The Things They Carried” and Gillette’s “We

Believe”
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Manhood has various meanings and has no single definition but can be described by

qualities pertaining to strength and courage. Norman Mailer once said, “Masculinity is not

something given to you, but something you must gain”. This statement makes one rethink what it

entails to be a man .O’Brien’s “The Things They Carried” and Gillette’s “We Believe” both

emphasize the sequence of attaining manhood in similar ways. “The Things They Carried” is

about a young lieutenant named Jimmy Cross who is twenty-four, and loves a college student

named Martha who is a junior at Mount Sebastian College in New Jersey. Cross is a leader

responsible for the life of the platoon members and is on a journey with eighteen of them who

are all carrying heavy ammunition and necessities needed for their survival while fighting a war

in the Than Khe area in Vietnam and blowing up tunnels. The Gillette Commercial “We Believe”

contains a series of various scenes with words, children, men, women, and animations all

interacting and sending a message to the audience. Tim O’Brien’s “The Things They Carried”

and Gillette’s “We Believe” both illustrate ways in which masculinity can be manifested by being

accountable for one’s actions, not showing feelings especially fear, and proving oneself worthy

of the gender through taking control of situations. Proving that masculinity is a delicate social

status.

Firstly, gender masculinity faces more struggles and trials in order to achieve gender-

identity and O'Brien's “The Things They Carried” and Gillette’s “We Believe” both explicate the

challenge in achieving manhood. Societies standard view of men has been held highly for years

now. Although times are changing, it is still witnessed in various cultures and societies in the

world that the man is seen as the provider. If he fails to do this, he is stigmatized or categorized

to be irresponsible. The precarious nature of masculinity is that it is hard won and easily lost

(Vandello & Bosson, 101). [The purpose of this paragraph seems to move from one idea to
 Brodricks 4

another. Are you discussing the struggles to achieve gender identity, that men are valued

highly, that men should provide, the idea of accountability, or that masculinity is easily

lost? Focusing on one thought will create greater clarity for the reader.] In the Gillette

Commercial “We Believe”, there is a scene with Terry Crews speaking on C-SPAN for sexual

assault survivors stating that “Men need to hold other men accountable", implying that

responsibility is a trait that must you must have to be a man. In “The Things They Carried”,

Jimmy Cross confirms what Terry Crews meant when he said “Men need to hold other men

accountable” meaning that the ideal man in society will not blame others for their mistakes but

take full responsibility for them, and not doing so would be degrading. Jimmy Cross accepts the

blame for what happened to Ted lavender who is a member of the platoon killed due to

negligence from Jimmy and the other members of the platoon. From what Terry Crews is saying,

Jimmy taking sole responsibility would be the right way, not only because it is noble in the

situation but is intended to indirectly earn masculine status because the virtue of responsibility is

seen as manly and taking the blame would earn him masculine status. Jimmy is the first

lieutenant and is in charge of all the other platoon members but describes the action of taking

responsibility for Ted’s death as being “a man about it” (O’Brien 10), indicating that the

masculine gender is a status that must be earned. Both “The Things They Carried” and “We

Believe” portray men taking charge of their actions as a commendable way of earning masculine

status. Since it is not possible for all men to take responsibility for their actions, it makes

masculinity a social status that can be easily lost.

Apart from earning the status of masculinity, both “The Things They Carried” and “We

Believe” present ways in which it can be maintained. Nelson Mandela once said that “the brave

man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear”. Men want to be seen as
 Brodricks 5

normal and want to feel accepted by other men so they often engage in similar activities and

have the same traits. Some of the traits viewed as masculine include strength, courage,

independence, and violence. [Will these traits be discussed? It feels out of place to introduce

new ideas, such as violence, that are not addressed in more detail.] A research carried out by

Alan D Berkowitz concludes that men’s motivation to be accepted by other men results in them

not caring. Most of them do this by hiding the pain, suffering in silence, showing little or no

emotions or just simply trying to put others down to make themselves feel better. In “We

Believe”, there are various scenes where this trait is exhibited, the first is seen with a boy bullied

by his peers for showing weakness by crying. He is called “Sissy” and teased by other boys to

make him feel inferior to them, these bullies do not care about the feelings of the little boy and

even if they did care, they do not express their feelings just to maintain popular status. In another

scene, a woman is mocked just for the entertainment of men in the audience who kept on

laughing. This confirms the research mentioned, they do not do the right thing, instead, they all

join in the assault just to be accepted and not to be viewed an outsider. It is generally known that

men more than women feel more anxiety when their gender role is being questioned or in their

case threatened and this is why they need to keep up the act of being tough which is often shown

through aggression. [This is a statement that should be supported by appropriate research.

Or, if it is stated in one of your sources, explain that here.] “The Things They Carried”

displays this when the members of the platoon are asked to draw numbers, they all feel anxiety

because no one wants to go into the tunnels, but whoever the unlucky person does not say a

word, instead he finds the courage to carry out the task at hand. It is also seen where jokes were

being made just to make themselves feel better “they spoke bitterly at guys who had found

relief”(O’Brien 8), meaning that they mocked other members who found the easy way out
 Brodricks 6

through death just to make themselves feel better and not to let what they were feeling inside be

exposed. Men are pressured by society and friends to keep the act up, to act like a man or just

simply man up to maintain social status often times leading to anxiety. The way of maintaining

Masculine status provided by “We Believe” and “The Things They Carried” is a bad trait because

characters were being bullies in order to maintain status.

Apart from maintaining status, Gillette and O’Brien both create a story where men feel

the undying need to prove themselves to others by controlling situations which is a good trait. It

is good that “We Believe” and “The Things They Carried” both showed a good way of proving

masculinity to others. Most times, men prove themselves to others by fighting, harassing others,

bragging, spending money, flirting with girls, drinking, but both Gillette and O’Brien choose to

show characters proving their gender by controlling situations. “The Things They Carried” and

“We Believe” both depict men in a good way of trying to prove their manliness by controlling

situations. In “The Things They Carried”, lieutenant Cross shows his strength by distancing

himself and giving orders to the men in his platoon. “A lieutenants voice, leaving no room for

argument or discussion” (O’Brien 10), controlling his men for a better cause by giving them

orders, not listening to arguments so that they focus on the task at hand. In “We Believe”, a scene

is shown, where two boys are fighting. All the men present there said one thing and that was

“Boys will be Boys” which is a phrase used to explain a boy's natural tendency to be hyperactive

and do risky activities which result in hurting themselves. Only one man stepped up and

controlled the situation by separating them. The characters in both texts prove their manliness by

controlling others for a good cause. The other men who did nothing could be categorized as

unmanly because they did nothing to stop the children from fighting hence proving that

masculinity is fragile. [This is another place where the dual purpose of the paper is reflected.
 Brodricks 7

Proving that masculinity is fragile should be a focus of greater evaluation than a statement

at the end of a paragraph. It creates a desire in the reader for more significant focus, when

the purpose of the paragraph is more fully on displaying a characteristic of masculinity.]

Both Tim O’Brien and Gillette confirm the gender masculinity which is a set of attributes

associated with men to be one that constantly needs to be established by earning through being

responsible for actions, maintaining by hiding emotions and proving by controlling situations. In

a world where gender roles have been preordained for males, there is room for anxiety because

not all men can obtain, sustain and continue to demonstrate their masculinity in today's society.

Those who do not go through the steps of earning, maintaining and proving their gender are seen

to be unmanly and will not have the masculine status, hence proving that masculinity is a

delicate social status. If society could eliminate gender insults like “sissy”, drop the idea that

boys will be boys and make it okay for them to show their feelings, then the world would be

better because they would not have to go through stress and feel anxiety when there is a threat to

their gender role. [The pronoun in this sentence is confusing. Is “they” referring to the world

or the boys mentioned earlier?]

 Brodricks 8

Works Cited

Berkowitz, Alan. “How College Men Feel about Being Men and Doing the Right Thing”, 2010,

pp. 2-3.

www.alanberkowitz.com/articles/college_men.

O’Brien, Tim. “The Things They Carried”.Houghton Mifflin Harcourt,1990.

“We Believe: The Best Man Can Be.”YouTube, uploaded by Gillette, 13 January 2019,

www.youtube.com/watch?v=koPmuEyP3a0.

Vandello and Bosson.“Hard Won and Easily Lost: A review and synthesis of theory and research

on precarious manhood”. Psychology of Men and Masculinity, vol. 14, no.2, 2013, pp. 101-

102.

http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/a0029826