FREE Worksheets

Aftermath of a
Failed Bid To Connect

Drs. John and

Julie Gottman

Practical and engaging printable tools!

This exercise is a guide for processing what happened after a failed bid to connect emotionally. This is the
major source of couples’ conflicts. This exercise is designed to try to increase understanding between the
two of you.
Before you begin The basic assumption we work with is that there is no absolute “reality” when two people
mis-communicate, or miss each other in turning toward one another, or in turning away. There are two
“subjective realities.” Everyone is right. Perception is everything, not facts. Facts are useless. Don’t focus on
your partner’s “facts”, focus instead on perceptions.
“Processing” means you can talk about the incident without getting back into it again, and finding at least
one way to make this type of interaction better in the future. Try to make it your job to understand your
partner’s reality, not to argue for your own reality. Use the steps in this exercise to process fully how you
might have miscommunicated.

STEP 1 FEELINGS Share how you felt. Do not say why you felt that way.
Avoid commenting on your partner’s feelings. Be patient.
Ask: “What else were you feeling? Tell me everything you felt.”

I felt
1. defensive 24. unappreciated
2. not listened to 25. disliked
3. hurt 26. unattractive
4. totally flooded 27. stupid
5. angry 28. morally outraged
6. sad 29. taken for granted
7. unloved 30. like leaving
8. misunderstood 31. like staying and talking this through
9. criticized 32. overwhelmed with emotion
10. I took a complaint personally 33. not calm
11. like you didn’t even like me 34. stubborn
12. not cared about 35. powerless
13. worried 36. I had no influence
14. afraid 37. I wanted to win this one
15. unsafe 38. my opinions didn’t even matter
16. tense 39. there was a lot of give and take
17. right and you were wrong 40. I had no feelings at all
18. that both of us were partly right 41. I had no idea what I was feeling
19. out of control 42. lonely
20. frustrated 43. alienated
21. righteously indignant 44. rejected
22. morally justified 45. abandoned
23. unfairly picked on

Copyright © 2018 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.
STEP 2 SUBJECTIVE REALITIES Describe your “reality.” Take turns. Summarize and
validate at least part of your partner’s reality.

There are always two realities—two perceptions—in each failed bid for connection. There is no
immaculate perception. Do not argue for your own perceptions. Instead, try to understand your partner’s
perceptions.
In this step, you will have an opportunity to discuss and validate each person’s subjective reality; you will
have a chance to explain your perceptions and emotions.

Speaker: Focus on your own feelings; do not use “you statements.” Do not describe your
partner, your partner’s intentions, or motivations. Report your own perceptions like a newspaper
reporter. For example, instead of saying “you said,” say “I heard you say.”
Describe the situation neutrally. Talk about what you needed in that situation. What is your recipe
for success with you? Perhaps these needs were unexpressed at the time.
Below are some examples of “needs.” You don’t have to choose from this list. They are just
examples.
Listener: Try to listen to your partner compassionately. When your partner is done, try to
communicate that you understand some of his or her perspective. Validate.

I needed
1. you to just listen to me 17. you to put down the paper or mute
2. you to hold me the TV when I wanted to talk
3. for you to offer to help me 18. a foot rub
4. to feel understood 19. a back rub or a massage
5. to be validated by you 20. you to offer to do a household
chore so I could get some relief
6. you to initiate sex
21. you to tell me I looked nice
7. to cuddle more
22. you to answer me when I called your
8. to know when you found me irresistible
name
9. to talk more about our kids
23. a romantic drive or get away
10. you to ask me about my hopes and aspirations
24. to go out to dinner and a movie
11. to have a conversation with you
25. to take a long bath together
12. to talk to you about my day
26. you to cook a meal or order food in
13. our reunions to be warm and affectionate for one night a week
14. you to be more affectionate with me, to touch 27. to see my friends
me more
28. for us to have an adventure together
15. you to look happy when you first saw me at the
29. some time alone for myself
end of the day
30. I needed…(you supply the need)
16. you to ask me about my work

Copyright © 2018 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.
STEP 3 TRIGGERS Share what experiences or memories you’ve had that might have
escalated the interaction, and the stories of why these are triggers
for each of you.

There are not always triggers in every incident of a failed bid. Triggers are enduring vulnerabilities that
might have been activated in this incident of a failed bid for connection. They need to refer to events that
happened in your past, but not in this current relationship. The goal of Step 3 is to understand why these
events are triggers for you and to build your partner’s awareness of why these events are triggers for you.

Identify the triggers for each of you.

Share what experience or memories you’ve had that might have escalated the interaction and
the stories of why these are triggers for you.
As you rewind the “videotape” of your memory, stop at a point where you had a similar set of
feelings from your past in which you got triggered in the same way or had some of the very
same feelings as you did this time. Now tell the story of that past moment to your partner, so that
your partner can understand why that is a trigger for you.
Below are some examples of triggers. You don’t have to choose from this list. They are just
examples.
Take turns putting into your own words what escalated this failed bid for connection for you.
Speaker: Tell the story of that incident from the past: how it happened, what you felt.
Listener: Summarize your partner’s story and listen to your partner’s story with empathy.

What triggered me
1. I felt excluded 14. I couldn’t just talk about my feelings
2. I felt powerless without you going ballistic
3. I felt not listened to 15. Once again, I was the bad guy and you
were innocent
4. I couldn’t ask for what I needed
16. I was not getting taken care of very well
5. I felt scolded
17. This felt so unfair to me
6. I felt judged
18. I had trouble with your anger or yelling
7. I felt blamed
19. I had trouble with your sadness or despair
8. I felt disrespected
20. I felt trapped
9. I felt no affection
21. I felt you had no passion for me
10. I felt unsafe
22. I could not ask for what I needed
11. I felt uncared for
23. I felt unloved
12. I felt lonely
24. I felt controlled
13. You weren’t there for me when I was
vulnerable and needed you 25. I felt manipulated

Copyright © 2018 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.
STEP 4 RESPONSIBILITY Acknowledge your own role in contributing to the disconnection.

In this exercise, you will identify and share what set you up for the miscommunication.
And then, accept responsibility. What role did you play in this regrettable incident or fight?
What specifically was your own contribution to this incident? What do you wish to apologize for?

What Set Me Up:

(Read aloud the items that were true for you)
1. I’ve been very stressed and irritable lately
2. I’ve not expressed much appreciation toward you lately
3. I’ve taken you for granted
4. I’ve been overly sensitive lately
5. I’ve been overly critical lately
6. I’ve not shared very much of my inner world
7. I’ve not been emotionally available
8. I’ve been more typically turning away from you
9. I’ve been getting easily upset
10. I’ve been depressed lately
11. I had a chip on my shoulder lately
12. I’ve not been very affectionate
13. I’ve not made time for good things between us
14. I’ve not been a very good listener lately
15. I’ve not asked for what I need
16. I’ve been feeling a bit like a martyr
17. I’ve needed to be alone
18. I’ve not wanted to take care of anybody
19. I have been very preoccupied
20. I have been very stressed lately
21. I haven’t felt very much confidence in myself
22. I have been running on empty

Step 4 is continued on the next page

Copyright © 2018 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.
 Step 4, continued from previous page

Specifically, what do you regret; specifically, what was your contribution to this regrettable
incident or fight?

______________________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________________

What do you wish to apologize for?

Examples are below, but use your own words.
(Read aloud) I wish to apologize for:
1. Disrespecting you
2. Turning away from you
3. Over-reacting
4. Saying something I regret
5. Insulting you
6. Rejecting you
7. Abandoning you
8. Being cold
9. Hurting you
10. Leaving you so alone
11. Violating your trust
12. Lying to you
13. Not listening
14. Being stubborn
15. Being insensitive

If you accept your partner’s apology, say so. If not, say what you still need.

Copyright © 2018 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.
STEP 5 CONSTRUCTIVE PLANS Together, plan one way each of you can make it better
next time.

Share one thing your partner can do to make a discussion of this issue better next time.
(It is important to remain calm as you do this.)
Then, while it is still your turn, share one thing you can do to make it better next time.
What do you need to be able to put this behind you and move on? Be as agreeable as
possible to the plans suggested by your partner.
Write your plan to make it better:

______________________________________________________________________________________

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______________________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________________

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______________________________________________________________________________________

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Copyright © 2018 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.
John Gottman, Ph.D., is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he
established “The Love Lab” and conducted much of his award-winning research on couple interaction and
treatment. Dr. Gottman has studied marriage, couples, and parent relationships for nearly four decades.
He has authored or co-authored over 200 published articles and more than 40 books, including: The Seven
Principles for Making Marriage Work, The Relationship Cure, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart
of Parenting, and The Man’s Guide to Women.
World renown for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. Gottman’s research has earned him
numerous national awards, including: Four five-year-long National Institute of Mental Health Research Scientist
Awards; The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy Distinguished Research Scientist Award;
The American Psychological Association Division of Family Psychology Presidential Citation for Outstanding
Lifetime Research Contribution; The National Council of Family Relations 1994 Burgess Award for Outstanding
Career in Theory and Research.
Dr. Gottman, together with his wife Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, is the co-founder of The Gottman Institute,
which provides clinical training, workshops, services, and educational materials for mental health
professionals, couples, and families. He is also the co-founder and Executive Director of the Relationship
Research Institute which has created treatments for couples transitioning to parenthood and couples suffering
from minor domestic violence.
Dr. Gottman has presented hundreds of invited keynote addresses, workshops, and scientific presentations
to avid audiences around the world including Switzerland, Italy, France, England, Israel, Turkey, South Korea,
Australia, Canada, Sweden, and Norway. A wonderful storyteller and expert, Dr. Gottman has also appeared
on many TV shows, including Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, and he has
been featured in numerous print articles, including Newsweek, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Los
Angeles Times, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, Men’s Health, People, Self, Reader’s
Digest, and Psychology Today.

Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D., is the co-founder and President of The Gottman Institute, and Clinical
Supervisor for the Couples Together Against Violence study. A highly respected clinical psychologist, she is
sought internationally by media and organizations as an expert advisor on marriage, sexual harassment and
rape, domestic violence, gay and lesbian adoption, same-sex marriage, and parenting issues. Creator of the
immensely popular The Art and Science of Love weekend workshops for couples, she also designed and leads
the national certification program in Gottman Method Couples Therapy for clinicians. Her other achievements
include: Washington State Psychologist of the Year; Author/co-author of five books, including, Ten Lessons to
Transform Your Marriage, And Baby Makes Three, The Marriage Clinical Casebook, 10 Principles for Doing
Effective Couples Therapy, and The Man’s Guide to Women; Wide recognition for her clinical psychotherapy
treatment, with specialization in distressed couples, abuse and trauma survivors, substance abusers and their
partners, and cancer patients and their families.
Inspiring, empowering, respectful, and kind, Julie’s leadership of The Gottman Institute has made it possible to
identify and integrate the expertise of her staff, therapists, and the wider research and therapeutic community.
Her commitment to excellence and integrity assures that as The Gottman Institute grows, it continues to
maintain the highest ethical and scientific standards.
She is in private practice in the Seattle area, providing intensive marathon therapy sessions for couples.
She specializes in working with distressed couples, abuse and trauma survivors, those with substance abuse
problems and their partners, as well as cancer patients and their families.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman currently live on Orcas Island, near Seattle, Washington. They conduct weekly
and intensive couples therapy sessions, provide small group retreats, teach workshops and clinical trainings,
and give keynote presentations around the world.
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