Effective and successful

communication: using the right “ego”

state
Transactional analysis helps us identifying which ego states are present in your transactions
(conversations) so you can become more conscious and have better, more constructive
transactions.

Especially in a professional environment, we want to move from a “Parent / Child” relation

and evolve to an “Adult / Adult” relation.
A Parent/Child relation will lead us to a clear unilateral subordination relation, when an
Adult/Adult relation will lead to co-responsibility principle.

The ego states express themselves during

conversations (called transactions) through
different channels: words used, tone of the voice,
gestures, slips of the tongue. And sometimes, one
Ego state takes over all the other ones.

The child: sends us back to our past, to what we

experienced as a child (thoughts, feelings, behaviors). It is the most creative, emotional and
intuitive of our ego states. When we speak or act following an emotion, we are in contact
with our Child ego state. The child can be rebel, natural or adaptive.
> Adaptive: guilty, afraid, anxious, trying to please
> Natural: curious, creative, open, loving
> Rebel: opposing, revolting, protesting

The parent: sends us to our past too, to what was incorporated

from our parents. We respond (attitudes, feelings, behaviors)
as one of our parents would have. The parent can be nurturing
or controlling.
> Nurturing: caring, loving, helping
> Controlling: criticizing, reprimanding, punishing, censoring

The adult: it is our present. We think and act based on what’s happening here and now. It is
characterized by the spirit of analysis and deduction, our more rational side, in contact with
reality.

Communication breakdowns
What Transactional Analysis says is that communication breakdowns happen because we are
not fully present in our conversations (transactions). We activate all of our Ego states during
our transactions, this can lead to conflict, negative emotion, pain …

Let’s have a look at a few transactions as examples.

Situation 1:
Complementary transaction: communication of egos which answer in a perfectly parallel way
(maybe not the best for a professional environment though)
A – You should know that punctuality is important! (1)
B – It’s OK… not a big drama really, it is only 10 minutes (2)

Situation 2:
Simple cross transaction: communication is interrupted or
hijacked.
This type of transaction is unexpected and create frustration.

A – Where is the meeting please? (1)

B – You could have noted it when we told you (2)

Situation 3:
Double cross transaction: when specific egos apparently respond to each other (adult for
example) and at the same time, at an underlying level, other egos (parent-child for examples).
Here it is the hidden level which determines the outcome of the communication.

A – You know Boss, now many companies stop working

at 3 pm on Fridays (1)
B - Every company does what it wants (2)
Situation 4:

Trapped transaction: these are called double messages.

We believe the message is such, but in reality, it is
quite different.
Here, our emotions inform us that there is another
underlying message and we learn to trust them.

A (with tight lips and furrowed eyebrows says when you arrive a little bit late) – I am very
happy to see you arrive … (1)
B (with an adult response) – Thank you

But you have a feeling of unease, of anger while you wonder. Is he really happy or has he
criticized me for being late???

Some transactions are more likely to present a manipulation hazard. This is particularly the
case for Parent-Child and Child-Parent transactions. Manipulators are particularly skilled in
double messages. Under the cover of Adult to Adult message, they will look for a rebellious
Child (revolt, aggressiveness, anger) or submissive Child (fear, fear) response.

This is why, as a Manager or Leader, it is important that you chose the Adult ego: knowing
how to spot imbalance, listening to understand the point of view of the other, what he really
wants. Then direct the conversation towards a favorable outcome for everyone using
objective reasoning. Lead to an adult - adult communication.

Situation 5:
Redirecting to an adult – adult transaction

A – Do you think I will be promoted?

B (the manager) – If you carry on like this you have a good chance of getting there.

Situation 6:

Adult – Adult transaction

A (Manager) – Have you sent the report?

B – Yes, I have sent it this morning.

A – My goal this quarter is to have a promotion to the position X. Would you have any
feedbacks for me that could help me achieve this?
B (Manager) - If you carry on like this you have a good
chance of getting there. Let’s set-up a 1:1 to discuss your
plans further and see how I can help.
A – Where is the meeting please?
B (Manager) – In room Y.
A (Manager) – I have noticed that you have arrived late in the last 3 meetings. Do you want
to talk about it?
B – Yes, I am sorry, but I am finding it very difficult with all those meetings back to back and
I never dare leaving the previous one until all is finished.
A – How could we improve this? Have you got any idea?
B – Yes, we could make sure that meetings are facilitated, maybe with a timekeeper? And
also, we could set-up a social contract having meetings that are on 55mn only …

Adult – Adult transactions will promote analysis, decision making, deduction and
constructive transactions.

This should not stop us from using our Child or Parent ego sometimes, when the decision is
founded on the current situation, chosen by our Adult ego.