A Musical Comedy Music by George Stiles Book and Lyrics by Antone NOTICE: DO NOT DEFACE! » Should you find it necessary to mark cues or cuts, use soft black pencil only. NOT FOR SALE + This book is rented for the period specified in your contract. It remains che Property oft MUSIC THEATRE INTERNATIONAL 421 West 54th Street New York, NY 10019 (212) 541-4684 wwwomtishaws.com ® Music THEATRE INTERNATIONALAct One-wsvaica HONK! 1 ACT ONE Music Scene One Music No. | A POULTRY TALE (Drake, Ida, Turkey, Henrietta, Cat, Grace, Maureen) iets the beginning of « glorious summer's day out in the country. The corn is golden yellow, the oats are green and the hazy is stacked up in the meadows. Standing in the “sunshine is an old farmbouse, and bebind the farmbouse in a slightly more disheveled part of the farm, is a lake. Thick beds of cat tails surround the lake with their seedbeads like giant cigars pointing skyward. The water's edge is a favorite meeting place for a variety of farm animals, and it is bere that we discover DRAKE sitting idly beside the rater. He is soan joined by bis spouse, IDA, GRACE, TURKEY, HENRIETTA, MAUREEN, and the CAT. DRAKE: IN OUR PATCH BEHIND THE FARMHOUSE WHERE THE PACE OF LIFE JS SLOW AND THE LILIES ON THE LAKE ARE BROAD AND LUSH WE’RE ALL LIVING HERE IN CLOVER AND THE MATING SEASON’S OVER SO THERE WON'T BE CAUSE FOR ANYONE TO BLUSH IN OUR LAND BOTH GREEN AND PLEASANT EVERY BANTAM, DUCK AND PHEASANT IF THEY HAD THEM, WOULD BE WALKING ARM IN ARM FOR OUR LIFE IS GOOD AND STEADY TILL WE’RE PLUCKED AND OVEN READY TT’S A POULTRY TALE OF FOLK DOWN ON THE FARM. THERE’S A TURKEY WITH A GOBBLE, TURKEY enters. WATCH HIS WATTLE START TO WOBBLE WHEN THE ROOSTER COCK-A-DOODLES THE ALARM2 HONK! Usverson- Act One (DRAKE:) WE’VE GOT PULLETS, WE'VE GOT CHICKENS, HENRIETTA enters, doing ber morning aerobics, with MAUREEN, who brings gifts for the baby shower’ . WE'VE GOT QUAILS, AND WHAT THE DICKENS It’S A POULTRY TALE OF FOLK DOWN ON THE FARM. IDA enters. WHAT A GORGEOUS VISION THIS IS ¥T’S IDA, SHE’S MY MISSUS, SO FORGIVE ME IF I’M LAYING ON THE SMARM, SHE GOES IN FOR HEATED QUACKING TO POINT OUT THE SKILLS I’M LACKING - + IDA/HEN./ MAUREEN/ TURKEY: TT’S A POULTRY TALE OF FOLK DOWN ON THE FARM. COME ON DOWN AND DON’T BE STRANGERS IN OUR DUCKYARD OF FREE-RANGERS T¥’S APOULTRY TALE OF FOLK DOWN ON THE FARM MAUREEN /HEN.: HERE WHERE WATERFOWL HAVE WADDLED LITTLE CHICKS ARE MOLLY-CODDLED IDA: | FOR THE CAT WOULD LIKE TO DO THEM GRIEVOUS HARM HE’S OUR ONLY SOURCE OF WORRY FEATHERS RARELY GET TO FLURRY + HEN./ TURKEY/ DRAKE: TT’S A POULTRY TALE OF FOLK DOWN ON THE FARM. ‘The CAT sticks his head up from behind a dump of cat tails.Act One-us vase CAT: HONK! 3 HA! HOW THEY FLATTER THEMSELVES I NEVER SHOW MUCH INT’REST IN THIS GROUP - 1 ADMIT I’M QUITE A GLUTTON, BUT THIS FEATHERED FORM OF MUTTON WOULDN'T EVEN MAKE A PALATABLE SOUP BUT WHEN THOSE LITTLE DUCKLINGS HATCH THAT'S A FLAVOUR YOU WON’T MATCH THEY'RE DELICIOUS AND IJUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH AS A FELON WHO IS FELINE YOU WILL SEE ME MAKE A BEELINE FOR THOSE TENDER LITTLE JUICY BALLS OF FLUFF! The following cacophory of squawking prompts the CAT to hide himself again. MAUREEN: DRAKE: IDA: MAUREEN/ HEN.: TURKEY: ALL: IDA/HEN./ DRAKE/ + MAUREEN: BO-GER-DOC-A-DER, BO-GER-DOC-E_DER BO-GER-DOC-A-DER, BO-GER-DOC-E-DER ‘WAH-WA-UH! WAH! WAH! WAH! WAH! WAH! WAH! we BOC-BO-GA-DER! BOC-BO-GA-DER! GOBBLE! GOBBLE! WAH, BUHR, GOBBLE (etc) ~ IN OUR WATERFOWL REGATTA THERE’S A MOORHEN FOND OF CHATTER AND A MANDARIN WITH ORIENTAL CHARM YOU'LL FIND EVERY GOOSE OR GANDER4 HONK! usemion Act One GRACE enters. GRACE: THOUGH OF COURSE I'M RATHER GRANDER + IDA/HEN./ DRAKE/ TURKEY/ MAUREEN: Ir’s A POULTRY TALE OF FOLK DOWN ON THE FARM WE MAY STRIKE SOME CLASSIC POSES AND WE ALL HAVE PARSON'S NOSES BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU'LL HEAR A SINGLE PSALM FOR ALL REVERENCE IS REJECTED BLATANT FOWL PLAY IS SUSPECTED IT’S A POULTRY TALE OF FOLK DOWN ON THE FARM + CAT: COME QN DOWN AND DON'T BE STRANGERS ALL: IN OUR DUCKYARD OF FREE-RANGERS IT’S APOULTRY TALE TIS A POULTRY TALE IT’S A POULTRY TALE OF FOLK DOWN ON THE FARM A-ARM-A-ARM B-GAD-EHR! [Music No. 1a- POULTRY PLAYOUT - Optional Instrumental] ‘At the end of the song everyone rushes offstage and we are left with a cloud of “feathers descending around IDA, who tidies up around ber nes. Just protruding ‘above the edge of che nest are four blue eggs and a large brown egg. IDA spots DRAKE offstage. IDA: Drake! Drake! It’s no good paddling away, I've seen you.Act One-us venice HONK 2 DRAKE enters sheepishly. (IDA:) And it doesn’t do for a duck to look sheepish, it confuses - the other animals. DRAKE: How's it going, Ida? You still sitting? I dunno, it’s all right for some. IDA: Well if you like the sound of it so much why don’t you take a turn on the nest? And wipe your webs! I just did the floor this morning, DRAKE: Ob Ida, I'd love to have a crack at sitting on the eggs for a bit, but you look so comfortable up there it seems a shame to disturb you. IDA: Huh, and what about that extension you promised to build on the nest? It’s going to be very cramped when the litle ones arrive - especially with that one big egg in the clutch, goodness knows what size that chick is going to be. DRAKE: You know, I reckon that might be a turkey’s egg. IDA: Oh, Drake! DRAKE: Thad the same problem with my ex. IDA: Huh, here we go. DRAKE: We had a whole pack of troubles with the young ones I can tell you. They’te afraid of the water. She had me running up and down the bank shouting “Frank Perdue” and they still wouldn't go in! IDA: Drake, how would a turkey egg get to be in my nest? Must be your side of the family. DRAKE: ‘We'll just have to wait and see who he takes after, won't we, dear.IDA: DRAKE: IDA: IND Us version - LACT LINE (acidly) Yes, dear. Anyway, must fly. Music No. 2 THE JOY OF MOTHERHOOD (ida, Maureen) I promised the Rooster that I'd help him count his chickens. Shall I see you back here? Well where else do you suppose I’m going to be? DRAKE exits. IDA resumes sitting on her eggs, resigned to her lot. AS ADUCK WHEN YOU'RE STUCK SAT SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR NEST THEN AT BEST YOU GET BORED... THERE GOES DRAKE ON THE LAKE 1CAN SEE HIM THROUGH THE RUSHES ALL THE TIME FEELING PM JUST IGNORED IDON’T PRETEND THAT THIS IS ALL HIS DOING TM A SUCKER FOR THE BILLING AND THE COOING BUT WHEN YOU HEAR THAT PITTER PATTER OF TINY FEET IT DOESN’T MATTER, HOW LONG IVE HAD TO SIT HERE MINDING MY BROOD THOSE LITTLE HEADS SO SOFT AND DOWNY THEIR BABY BODS ALL GOLDEN BROWNY THE BEAKS CONSTANTLY OPEN, WAITING FOR FOOD IT’S THE JOY OF MOTHERHOOD THOSE LITTLE DUCKLINGSAct One usranioo HONK: é (IDA:) WALKING ROUND IN A LINE TLL DO WHAT ANY OTHER MOTHER WOULD TO TRY TO DO MY BEST AT BRINGING UP MINE IT’S THE JOY OF MOTHERHOOD THOSE LITTLE PERKS THAT MAKE IT ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE TLL DO WHAT ANY OTHER MOTHER WOULD TO GET MY DUCKS DECKED OUT AND LIVING IN STYLE MAUREEN, the cheerful, neighborly moorben, enters breezily. MAUREEN: — Morning, Ida. IDA: Morning, Maureen. MAUREEN: How is the mother-to-be? IDA: She'd be better if the father-who-was was better at being the father-who-is. I sometimes think I'd have been better off pairing with a decoy. MAUREEN: I'm sure Drake will make a marvelous dad when the family arrives. IDA: Not him, Duck by name and duck by nature - ducking out of his responsibilities. (She shifts position) Ooh. I say if butts were meant for sitting on eggs all day, then they should have been designed with big old dimples in them. MAUREEN: Ooh, Ida, the very thought. How much longer do you have to go? IDA: Well, by my reckoning they should be out by now. I went to all of my pre-natal hatching classes, run by that self satisfied Stork, and she said about half a month, but two weeks is up. MAUREEN: Oh well, the best chings come to those who wait.MAUREEN: IDA: MAUREEN: IDA: MAUREEN: BOTH: MAUREEN: IDA: MAUREEN: BOTH: MAUREEN: HONK! US werion ACT IE Idon’t know. Why do we put ourselves through it? Every spring it’s exactly the same. But just think of the rewards - all those lovely little ducklings. ‘All those beaks to feed. Waking you up at all hours. Getting into deep water. Attracting unwanted admirers . . . (in busbed tones) . . _ like the cat. Why do we put ourselves through it? *COS WHEN YOU HEAR THAT DIBBLE DABBLE YOU'RE PROUD TO SAY “HEY, THAT’S MY RABBLE” THEN WATCH THEIR MAIDEN VOYAGE OUT FROM THE BANK LIKE CHAMPAGNE CORKS YOU'LL SEE THEM BOBBING ‘ACCOMPANIED BY MOTHERS SOBBING RELIEVED, THANKS BE TO NATURE, NOBODY SANK IT’S THEJOY... Oh, prepare yourself, Ida. They are interrupted by a chipping sound as the eggs start to hatch in the nest. IDA does her breathing exercises in preparation for the birth. Four pairs of legs appear above the edge of the nest and wave around in time to the music like synchronized swimmers.Act One. us venice IDA: BOTH: IDA: MAUREEN: IDA: BOTH: HONK! 9 IT's THE JOY IT’S THE JOY IT’S THE JOY Joy, JOY, JOY, JoY, I'S THE JOY OF MOTHERHOOD THOSE LITTLE PERKS THAT MAKE IT ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE PLL DO WHAT ANY OTHER MOTHER WOULD TO GET MY DUCKS DECKED OUT AND LIVING IN STYLE TO GET THOSE DUCKS DECKED OUT AND LIVING TO GET MY DUCKS DECKED OUT AND LIVING IN STYLE IDA turns to her nest fall of DUCKLINGS. IDA: My babies! The four DUCKLINGS - BILLY, BEAKY, DOWNY and FLUFF, hop down from the nest. Initially they look confused, not sure which of the two adult birds is ‘Mur’ - bit MAUREEN points enthusiastically at IDA. Quack! Quack!10 DUCKLINGS: MAUREEN: IDA: MAUREEN: MAUREEN exits. BEAKY: FLUFF: BILLY: DOWNY: IDA: BEAKY: IDA: FLUFF: IDA: BILLY: HONK! 5 reson Act One Quack! Quack! Oh, Ida. They’re the lovelies: little ducklings I haye ever set my eyes on. They're the image of their father. "Thanks! Speaking of Daddy, Maureen would you be a dear and uy to find him for me? He’s probably making waves down at the local watering hole, All right. (To DUCKLINGS) Auntie Maur-Maur is off now, Pll see you later. Auntie Maur-Maur? What a weird name. What a big world it is. Yeah, far out. Twas getting well-cramped inside that egg. Don’t go thinking that this is the whole world! It stretches far beyond the other side of the fake right into the churchyard - though I've never been that far myself. Wicked - let’s explore Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There are one or two nest rules before you paddle off. Number one, no wet webbed-fect in the nest; Number two, you must feather your own nest every morning; Number three, no quack- ing after sunset; Number four, no plankton between meals; Number f .. . wait a minute, you're not all here. Hey guys, there’s going to be another member of the:gang. (peering into the nest) Oh, quack! And it’s the big one. Look at the shell on that!Act One-15 vesin FLUFF: BEAKY: BILLY: DOWNY: BEAKY: HONK! 1 Egg-cellent! How come he got such a big egg? Yeah, we all got cramped into a regular shell, but that one got a queer-sized ostrich job. It’s not fair, Mama. No, Mama, it’s not fair. A general commotion breaks out. IDA climbs back onto the big egg. DRAKE re- enters. DRAKE: IDA: DRAKE: Hi, kids. ?'m your Dad. Take a good look at him because you probably won’t see him that often. Well, true to form you missed it, the pitter-patter of petite paddles. Well I’m here now. OK, kids, who’s.for a swim? DRAKE issues each of the DUCKLINGS with a rubber ring, each bearing an ‘L’ plate. IDA: DRAKE: (to IDA) What's the matter? Alt that sitting around taken it out of you? There’s still one to hatch, Dumb-Cluck. The Big One. Let me see that egg again. IDA raises a buttock. W's definitely a turkey. You'll never get it to go in the water. Just leave it. (Turns to the DUCKLINGS who are messing about) Oy, cut that out. (Beck to IDA) Come and teach the other ones to swim properly.12 HONE! Usresee- Act One IDA: You teach the other ones to swim properly. I might as well sit for a bit longer. I've sat for so long a few days more won't make any difference. DRAKE: Whatever you say, dear. (To the DUCKLINGS) Come on, last one to the lake's a coot. (The DUCKLINGS rush off) Hey, wait for me! DRAKE exits. We stay with IDA on the nest. Music No. 3. DIFFERENT (Pre-reprise) (ida) IDA WHAT A ROLE! ONLY GOOD FOR KEEPING EGG-SHELLS WARM ON THE WHOLE THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MORE UNIFORM THIS ONE'S DIFFERENT THIS ONE’S DIFFERENT FROM THE REST IDON'T BELIEVE A TURKEY’S EGG COULD FALL INTO MY NEST IT’S JUST A FREAK OF NATURE JUST A LARGER GRADE OF ALL THE OTHER EGGS I'VE EVER LAID... THIS ONE’S DIFFERENT There is a chipping sound. BUT THERE’S DIFFERENT There is a cracking sound. AND THERE'S DIFFERENT .. . IDA is lifted up on the shoulders of UGLY as be emerges from the egg. UGLY: Honk! IDA: Oh my word!AACT ONE -U5 version UGLY: IDA: UGLY: IDA: UGLY: IDA: UGLY: IDA: UGLY: FUNKY +? Honk! What's wrong with your quack? You're not like your brothers and sisters, they're . . . (gesture)... and . . (gesture)... different. Honk! If I say ‘Butterball’ does that bother you at all? No? What about ‘water’? How would you like to go for a swim? Td love to... Mama. Thank heavens for that! (Hugging bim) I knew you were one of mine. Now, your father has taken the others off for their first swimming lesson. So how about you and me doing the same, right here at the water’s edge. Nothing too fancy mind, just the basics to get you started. (IDA dips a web into the water) Ooooh .. . it’s a bit nippy, but we'll soon warm up. The important thing is not to be afraid of the water. T'm not afraid, Mama. Can we swim out to that island? Good gracious, no. It’s further than you think, Why, I haven't been out there since your father and I were courting... and I didn’t mean to go that far then! Now, are you ready? - Pim ready. Just do as I do and you should take to it like ad... looks at bir) you should take to it. Music No. 4 HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH IDA: (ida, Ugly, Fish) HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH LIKE THE MOST HAPPY FELLA WHILE DOWN BELOW EACH THIGH4 HONK! US wenn ACT OBE (IDA:) APROPOS A PROPELLER MUST KEEP PADDLING LIKE THE CLAPPERS YOU KEEP PADDLING WITH YOUR FLAPPERS WHILE SEEMING TO BE DREAMING AND CALM UGLY: Like this? IDA: ‘That's the way. BEND YOUR KNEES NO SPLASHING PLEASE UGLY: Sorry. IDA: AND STEADY, WATCH THAT EDDY TO YOUR RIGHT... DANGER SIGN UGLY: Danger sign? IDA: ‘THAT'S FISHING LINE UGLY: Fishing line! IDA: WHICH STRANGLES IFIT TANGLES YOU UP TIGHT! (wide) HE'S A NATURAL TN A CLASS OF HIS OWN UGLY: THIS Is WONDERFUL 1AM FEELING FULL GROWN IDA: LOOK AT YOU YOU HAVE EVERY REASON TO BOTH: HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH IDA: AS IF FREE FROM ALL TROUBLES UGLY: _ YOUR BACK STAYS NICE AND DRY BUT MY BOTTOM'’S IN BUBBLESAct ODE us vases Ee sethntens = BOTH: KEEP PADDLING LIKE THE CLAPPERS JUST KEEP PADDLING WITH YOUR FLAPPERS WHILE SEEMING TO BE DREAMING AND CALM IDA: Let’s try a dive. They dive underwater. There follows an instrumental ‘ballet’ during which we go underwater with UGLY and IDA into a magical fairground of FISH and aquatic life. FISH: OH. OH. AH. The FISH call out ad libs. to attract UGLY to their ‘sall? e.g: “Hook a boop and win a whopper’, “Tickle a trout with floss on a stick”, “Tiddler tadpoles - a dime a dollop”. UGLY is initially apprebensive. Ia: Don’t worry, dear, they’re only fish. UGLY: Fish? DRAKE and DUCKLINGS appear, noisily, under water, though do not see UGLY. FISH: WHAT A GIFT IT IS TO DRIFT THE TALENT’S IN THE BALANCE AND THE POISE BUT AS FISH WE ONLY WISH. THAT DUCKLINGS WOULD TRY SWIMMING WITH LESS NOBE As the underwater sequence ends, DRAKE and the DUCKLINGS exit, the FISH disperse, and IDA and UGLY resurface. It is apparent that IDA is now exhausted. IDA: SLOW THE PACE! UGLY: BUTI WANT TO GO FASTER IDA: IT’S NOT A RACE UGLY: IT’S A SKILL I COULD MASTER IDA: AND CLEARLY YOU ARE NEARLY FIT16 HONK! Us venion £40 (NE (IDA:) TO DROP UGLY: NOM NOT, TCOULD GO ON ALL DAY IDA: HAVE A BREAK UGLY: I FEEL FRESH AS A DAISY IDA: YOUR LEGS MUST ACHE UGLY: NO THEY DON’T, ARE YOU CRAZY? IDA: SO MAYBE NOW MY BABY WE SHOULD STOP! UGLY: ‘WOULD ONE LAP OF THE LAKE BE OK? IT’S THE GREATEST THING CAN’T WE HAVE ONE MORE TRY? IDA: THIS IS KNACKERING! HE SWIMS BETTER THAN I UGLY: PRETTY PLEASE IDA: GIVE ME STRENGTH UGLY: BEND THOSE KNEES IDA: JUST ONE LENGTH THEN Instrumental dance break. BOTH: KEEP PADDLING LIKE THE CLAPPERS JUST KEEP PADDLING WITH YOUR FLAPPERS WHILE SEEMING TO BE DREAMING AND CALM IDA: JUST BENEATH THE SURFACE YOU MAY STRUGGLE TO GET BY UGLY: BUT NOTHING CAN DETER YOUAct One-us venice HONK! 7 BOTH: IF YOU HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH At the end of the song IDA and UGLY get out of the ‘water’ and she tries to make |. him look more presentable. IDA: There, dear. That looks much better. . . UGLY: What did you mean when you said I'm not like my brothers and sisters? What is different? IDA: Well, dear . . . for one thing Pm sure you can swim much better than they can. UGLY: Do you really think so? And what else? IDA: You must try to remember, it’s what's inside that matters, not what we look like. ‘At this juncture DRAKE and the DUCKLINGS return from their swim BEAKY: ‘What's Mama laid? DRAKE: Ir’s a sort of orange preserve often found on toast. BEAKY: No... what’s Mama laid. (Pointing at UGLY) DRAKE: Oh, my God . . . Ida. , . now listen very carefully, love. I want you to walk towards me very slowly. No sudden moves. IDA: ‘What are you quacking about? DRAKE: ‘There's something behind you. Something . . . not very nice. IDA: This is your son, dear. DRAKE: Aaargh . . . Pve created a monster. IDA: Don’t be ridiculous. He’s just not your normal run-of-the- millpond duck, that’s all.HONK! reser Act One 18 DRAKE: FLUFF: IDA: That's all! Ida, I have a reputation. know, dear, and I wouldn’t brag about it if l were you. Tm scared. (ebough gritted bill) wll you he’s a turkey. He is not a turkey. He loves the water. (turns to UGLY and taunts him) Cranberry sauce! See, he didn’t even flinch! Now. I want you all to get up. It is time to meet the other members of the duckyard and be educated in the ways of the world. Drake! Don’t stare at him! Music No. 5 LOOK AT HIM (lida, Drake, Ugly, Henrietta, Turkey, Cat, Grace, Maureen, Ducklings) DUCKLINGS: IDA: DUCKLINGS/ DRAKE: DRAKE: IDA: LOOK AT HIM! NOW THEN, CHILDREN, LET’S NOT MAKE A FUSS LOOK. AT HIM! ARE YOU SURE HE’S REALLY ONE OF US? FAMILY LIKENESS ISN’T STRONG STILL YOU WON'T POKE FUN ‘ALL OF YOU MUST GET ALONG HE’S A ‘SPECIAL’ SON Come along, all of you now, follow me. But stay close to me at all times or you may get trodden on. And beware of the cat! They waddle off in procession to ‘school’.Act One us vesion HONK! 19 DUCKLINGS: LOOK AT HIM LEGS ARE BANDY AND THE KNEES ARE KNOCKED LOOK AT HIM - BILLY: DAD WAS OBVIOUSLY EGG-SHELL-SHOCKED DUCKLINGS: BET THE NEIGHBOURS SCREAM AND HOWL WHEN THEY SEE OUR BROOD HE'S THE FOULEST WATERFOWL UGLY: WHY ARE YOU SO RUDE? DOWNY: Oooh, touchy MAUREEN enters hurriedly. IDA: Hello, Maureen. MAUREEN: Hello, Ida. Hello, Drake. What a splendid brood. Did the big egg hatch out all righ... She sees UGLY. 18 LOOK AT HIM COME ON, IDA, TELL ME WHAT WENT WRONG? LOOK AT HIM DID YOU LEAVE HIM IN THE EGG TOO LONG? IDA: I ADMIRE YOU FOR YOUR PLUCK. STRICTLY ENTRE NOUS HE MAY BE NO PIN-UP DUCK NEITHER, DEAR, ARE YOU! MAUREEN: Well! 1 must be going. I heard the children from the farmhouse are throwing French bread into the water. It sounds trés chic... . I don’t want to miss out. MAUREEN scurries off giving UGLY a wide berth. UGLY: LOOK AT YOU, LOOK AT ME,20 HONK! Uaioe Act One (UGLY) WHAT'S IT MATTER? DOWNY: Isn’t it obvious? UGLY: WHY DO IMAKE YOU ALL LAUGH AND SCOFF? BEAKY: Have you see your reflection? UGLY: WHY DON’T WE PLAY WITH THE FISHES? DUCKLINGS: BECAUSE YOU'D SCARE THEM OFF (laughing quack) WAH, WAH, WAH, WAH, WAH ‘WAH, WAH, WAH, WAH, WAH, WAH The DUCKLINGS take their places in the ‘classroom’. TURKEY, as Headmaster, and HENRIETTA, as school secretary, organize the new intake. DRAKE: LOOK AT HIM YOU ADMIT HE IS A BIT EXTREME? DUCKLINGS: NOW OUR PARENTS WILL START QUIBBLING IDA: LOOK AT HIM JUST A VARIATION ON A THEME DUCKLINGS: HE’S A TRULY UGLY SIBLING IDA: IDON’T WANT TO SEE MY SON LEFT OUT ON A LIMB WHY IS IT THAT EVERYONE HAS TO JEER? DRAKE: THERE’S YOUR ANSWER, DEAR ALL: LOOK AT HIM HENRIETTA: PECK! PECK! PECK! PECK! IHATE TO BE PICKY BUT THE DUCK, PECK! PECK! LOOKS A LITTLE BIT DICKY LOOK AT HIM, BOEHR DID YOU EVER SEE A PIG WITH WINGS?Act One. 05 rasion HONE! 21 (HENRIETTA:} LOOK AT HIM, BOEHR DON’T GENETICS DO THE STRANGEST THINGS? THOUGH THE THOUGHT MAY NOT APPEAL BREAK THE TIES THAT BIND IF YOU GAVE THE CAT A MEAL NOBODY WOULD MIND BOEHR! Jn bis role as Headmaster, the TURKEY cajoles the DUCKLINGS into a pose ready for a school photograph. The CAT enters, under the hood of an old-fashioned camera, disguised as the School Photographer. TURKEY: Line up everyone, short ones at the front. LOOK AT HIM HE’S AN UGLY ONE THERE IS NO DOUBT LOOK AT HIM DOES HE HAVE HIS GIBLETS INSIDE OUT? WHAT ELSE WOULD EXPLAIN HIS LOOKS BEING QUITE SO ROUGH? HOW ON EARTH WILL GOURMET COOKS KNOW WHICH END TO STUFF? DUCKLINGS/ ‘TURKEY/ HENRIETTA: LOOK AT HIM, LOOK ATUS, SEE THE DIFFERENCE LOOK AT HIM, LOOK AT US, WHERE'S THE MATCH? TURKEY/ HENRIETTA: SOMETIMES WE FIND IT IS KINDER IF SOME EGGS NEVER HATCH... The camera flashes, everyone freezes. The CAT emerges from beneath the hood. CAT: Now that’s what I call a snack! LOOK AT HIM STILL A DUCKLING22 HONE! vsveie- Act One (CAT:) BUT THERE’S SO MUCH MORE! LOOK AT HIM FINEST CAT FOOD THAT LEVER SAW BETTER STILL HE WON’T BE MISSED THEY THINK HE’S A FLOP MAYBE THEY'LL LET ME ASSIST GIVING HIM THE CHOP ‘A second flash from the camera ‘unfreezes' everyone as the CAT hides beneath the hood again. The TURKEY is handed the school photograph TURKEY: Now, in a moment you will be presented to Her Grace, the most distinguished duck on the lake. She was once paired with a mandarin. And you will notice that she has a red band of cloth round her leg... GRACE enters as School Governor. TURKEY: |. that’s the greatest distinction a duck can enjoy. Ie ‘means that she is looked up to by both men and animals. IDA: (to her brood) Now, don’t turn your toes in, just bow your heads politely and say “Quack”! ‘The DUCKLINGS parade past GRACE in turn, each bowing and ‘quacking’ DUCKLINGS: (xdividually) WAH. WAH. WAH, WAH. It comes to the turn of UGLY... UGLY: HONE! GRACE reacts with horror. The DUCKLINGS take the school photograph from TURKEY. DUCBLINGS: LOOK AT HIM NOW HE’S RUINING OUR PHOTOGRAPH IDA: JUST IMAGINE HOW HE'S FEELINGAct One-wsvesiee HONE! 2B GRACE: LOOK AT HIM MOTHER NATURE MUST HAVE HAD A LAUGH IDA: IN A WAY HE'S QUITE APPEALING The birds gather aggressively around UGLY. DRAKE/ TURKEY/ HENRIETTA/ MAUREEN: LOOK ATHIM DUCKLINGS: (taunting UGLY) LOOK AT HIM [‘* ‘NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, Na! GRACE: A RELATION ONE SHOULD SEVER DRAKE/ TURKEY/ HENRIETTA/ MAUREEN: A. RELATION ONE SHOULD SEVER LOOK AT HIM! DUCKLINGS: _LOOK AT HIM! ‘NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA! ALL: HE IS GAWKY IN WHATEVER HE DOES, OH HE REALLY IS AN UGLY OISEAU UGLY is now clearly upset. IDA: HE’S MY SON AND ILOVE HIM DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE? YOU'RE TO BLAME THIS DUCKYARD WOULD BE SO BORING IF WE ALL LOOKED THE SAME “There is much disagreement with this last remark, accompanied by clucks, quacks and gobbles24 HONK! Us reaiee Act One GROUP A [HEN./GRACE/ MAUREEN/ TURKEY/ DRAKE]: LOOK AT HIM DUCKLINGS: LOOK ATHIM GROUP A: AND BE THANKFUL THAT HE’S NOT YOUR KID DUCKLINGS: BUT WE'VE GOT HIM AS A BROTHER GROUP A: LOOK AT HIM DUCKLINGS: LOOK AT HIM GROUP A: BOUND TO GO THE WAY THE DODO DID DUCKLINGS: AND HE’S WORSE THAN ANY OTHER The DUCKLINGS are shot a filthy look from IDA, and ‘act innocent’ GROUP A: BODYWORK DESIGNED TO SHOCK DUCKLINGS: LA, LA, LA, LA, LA GROUP A: PROSPECTS PRETTY DIM DUCKLINGS: LA,LA,LA,LA,LA GROUP A: HE SHOULD FORM A SOLO FLOCK ALL: LOOK AT HIM, LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT YOU, YOU'LL AGREE ANYWHERE YOU LOOK WILL BE LESS GRIM CAT: LOOK AT HIM LITTLE THING HIS NECK JUST MADE TO WRINGAct One-us rie HONE! 25 ALL: THAN A GLIMPSE OF THIS WIMP OF WIMPS-: LOOK AT HIM! = ae DRAKE approaches TURKEY suspiciously. DRAKE: Oy, Turkey. You been messing around with my missus? TURKEY: What do you mean? (Looks at UGLY and realizes the significance of DRAKE's question) I look nothing like him. Pm a selkbasting, self-boasting fine prime specimen with wonderful spurs. As for that, well, I wouldn’t use it to stuff a duvet with. (DA overhears this last insult) IDA: Talking of stuffing, I don't suppose you will be quite so full of yourself come Thanksgiving. TURKEY: fwincing) Ooh, I hate that word. IDA: ‘What? Stuffing? TURKEY: No! Thanksgiving! TURKEY exits, flustered, as GRACE pushes her way fortuard to tall with IDA. GRACE: Congratulations, Ida, they’re delightful. IDA: Thank you, your Grace. GRACE: (confidentially) Tell me, that big chappie at the back, whatever happened there? He’s not exactly your classie Beatrix Potter is he? IDA: I wish the others wouldn't pick on him so. He'll turn out all right as he gets older. GRACE: Well che others are a triumph, my dear. I only wish I could have produced a brood of my own this year. IDA: I was so sorry to hear about that, your Grace, you must miss him terribly.26 HONK? Us vensioa ACT LE GRACE: He was a fine duck, the mandarin, but alas he became crispy and aromatic before his time. Still, life goes on. Now, where has Maureen got to with that French bread? MAUREEN reenters triumphantly wielding a large piece of French stick. MAUREEN: Tarah! You have to try it - it’s much better than the usual stuff - even the crusts are nice. DRAKE: T'll give it a dabble. ‘TURKEY: (reentering) V'm sure I have room for a little gobble-gobble. IDA: Oh, yes, Maureen, it’s delicious. Come along, children, try this. ‘All the BIRDS gather around the bread. UGLY tries to get near to the bread but eeps getting knocked back. He is pecked and bullied. GRACE: Make way for the Red-Banded Duck. UGLY: Honk! GRACE: Ida, you really are going to have to do something about that honk. MAUREEN: (pointing offstage) Ooh, look! Croissanes! EVERYONE except UGLY exits in the direction of the croissants. BEAKY: Get back. You're too big for your age already. The DUCKLING pushes UGLY back and throws the school photograph at bin, now ripped in two. UGLY: It’s nor fair. I'm hungry too. Why are you picking on me? UGLY stands aside, quite separate from the group. In a private moment he tries to practice his quack’.Act One-usvevioe HONE! (UGLY:) Qu..onk! Qu... onk! Qu... onk! Failing miserably, he gives up trying. . Music No. 6 DIFFERENT (Ugly) IF THEY KNEW JUST HOW DEARLY IWOULD LOVE TO QU...ONK! BUT IT’S TRUEIM A BIRD WHO SEEMS TO LACK THE KNACK TM JUST DIFFERENT I'MJUST DIFFERENT FROM THE REST AND WHO CAN BLAME THEM WANTING ME TO FIND ANOTHER NEST? BUT DIFFERENT ISN’T NAUGHTY DIFFERENT ISN’T BAD SO WHY SHOULD BEING DIFFERENT MAKE ME SAD? He picks up the two halves of the photo and holds them together. PM JUST DIFFERENT THEY'RE LIKE PEAS FROM THE SAME POD NO WONDER THEY MAKE FUN OF ME LIFE’S HARDER WHEN YOU'RE ODD BUT DIFFERENT ISN’T SCARY DIFFERENT IS NO THREAT AND THOUGH IM STILL THEIR BROTHER THEY FORGET IDIDN’T CHOOSE TO LOOK THIS WAY IDIDN’T WANT TO BE UNIQUE IDON’T LIKE THESE GRUBBY FEATHERS AND I HATE MY STUBBY BEAK THERE’S A RUNT IN EV’RY LITTER ONE BLACK SHEEP IN EV’RY FLOCK BUT WHEN YOU KNOW IT’S YOU SOMEHOW YOUR EGO TAKES A KNOCK28 HONK! Unie Act One (UGLY:) 'M JUST DIFFERENT BUT I HAVE A SENSE OF PRIDE MY LOOKS MAY WELL BE FUNNY BUT I HURT THE SAME INSIDE DIFFERENT ISN'T SPITEFUL DIFFERENT ISN’T WRONG SO WHY IS IT SO HARD TO GET ALONG? 1 ONLY WANT TO GET ALONG The DUCKLINGS run in and taunt UGLY - as if pretending they are going to play with bim. Then they run away laughing at hin. DIFFERENT ISN’T HATEFUL DIFFERENT COULD BE SWELL... DIFFERENT IS JUST... WELL... DIFFERENT At the end of the song the CAT appears and sidles up next to UGLY. CAT: Hello, Ducky! UGLY: Who are you? CAT: I'm your friend, UGLY: I haven’t got any friends. Everyone hates me because ’'m ugly. CAT: Ob they are too, too, too-too cruel. I think you look delicious. UGLY: What did you say? CAT: I said poultry can be so malicious. Look at them guzzling all that bread. . UGLY: It’s supposed to be really nice, it’s French.Act One. usvesion CAT: UGLY: CAT: UGLY: CAT: UGLY: CAT: UGLY: HONK! 29 Music No. 6A FRENCH TING! (instrumental) Mmm. A Forange. Do you mean to say that they didn’t let you have any? Nota crumb. ‘Well that sertles it then. Lunch is in... on me. Do you mean it? You really are a friend Of course I am. Now, just follow me. Td better tell my mother. Ob no, you mustn’t. Look, she is talking to Her Grace. Don’t you know a duckling should never interrupt any- one who is talking to Her Grace. I really think J should. The CAT hides as the rest of the FAMILY, together with GRACE, MAUREEN, HENRIETTA and TURKEY re-enter, victoriously wielding various baked goods. IDA: What a feast! A little on the stale side, but one mustn’t grumble. Mama? Yes? Excuse me, Your Grace. Beaky, don’t stand on Downy’s foot - she keeps going round in circles. Mama? I’ve been invited . . . Just a moment, sweetheart. Billy! Not such big mouthfuls, and soak it in water first or you'll choke. Would it be all right if...“K HONE! Uresiee Act One 30 IDA: Fm sure. - - Fluff, I hope you are not Just picking out the raisins. ‘The CAT pops up again beside UGLY. CAT: Listen. We won't be gone for long. ‘What harm can it do? And you're hungry, aren’t you? UGLY: Yes, Lam. CAT: Well, that makes two of us. Come along, UGLY: Well. .. if you're sure. CAT: Ob, Pm quite sure. “The CAT leads UGLY away, We pick up on a conversation between MAUREEN and HENRIETTA. MAUREEN: __ I's Ida feel sorry for. How she managed to lay the exg Tl never know. Makes my eyes water just thinking about it. HENRIETTA: I think it just puts out the wrong message having someone looking like that paraded around the lakeside amenities. IDA: (overbearing) Do you mind. That is my son you're talking about. There is nothing wrong with him. IDA turns to the members of the duckyard in general. IDA: He just looks a bit different, that’s all. T think that makes him someone rather special. x GRACE: ‘Well said, Ida. I agree with you. And if I agree then everye body agrees. I think an apology is in order from you two Music No. 6B DO TELL MAMA (iastrumental) IDA: Wait a mimute, where’s he gone?Act One-tsveee DRAKE: IDA: DRAKE: DRAKE: IDA: DRAKE: IDA: DRAKE: GRACE: HONK! 31 Tthought he was with you. He was, just a moment ago. Well, if he’s got any sense he'll have gone to find a bag to put over his head. Drake! That’s enough! Calm down, love, he can’t be far away. He was trying to ask me something ... So he’s probably just wandered back to the lake, you know how be loves swimming. Not without telling me, he wouldn't. (Panic) Where’s be gone? Oh, for goodness sake. All right, Turkey, you go that way and look along by the milking shed; Maureen and Hen- rietta check around the henhouse. Ida, we'll take the duck- ings down to the lake. ‘And I'll co-ordinate operations from the grainstore. Amid various cries of Ugly’, and with much fluffing of feathers and scratching of ‘feet, everyone searches in vain for the duckling. Scene Two AM Lights come up t0 reveal the CAT, with UGLY, in bis lair. ‘The scene is reminixcen of «tay TV cookery progra. The air inebudes uarions wil and cooking ingredients. CAT: UGLY: (to the audience, as if presenting a TV show) Welcome to the kitty-cat snack shack. Fast food for famished felines. Its a nice place you've got here.HONK! teresa Act One 32 CAT: A lire bijou perhaps, but J think of it as home, Now. let me see. (He produces a recipe book and starts to thumb through the pages) . - - Casserole of Dack, Duck with Cherries, Duck and Chestnuts, Duck and Pineapple, Duck Pate, Duck Pancakes with Plum Sauce, ah, here we are, Duck &POrange. UGLY: What are we having? CAT: Tm having you for lunch. UGLY: Yes, Lknow we are. I mean what are we going to eat? CAT: Oh, Pll whip something up. A surprise. UGLY: My mother must have been thinking of someone else. She told me to beware of the cat. CAT: Ab, ha, ba . . .. bless her. Mothers are all the same, for some reason they seem to think it’s part of their job description to stop us from having fan. Not my mother though, oh no, she was different. Do you know what she used to say to me? During the following number the CAT starts to nonchalantly prepare ingredients for the Duck & l’Orange. UGLY is oblivious of the CATs intentions throughout Music No.7 PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD (Cat, Ugly) YOU CAN SCRATCH THE ANTIQUE FURNITURE 1 "TO SHARPEN UP YOUR CLAWS YOU CAN LACERATE THE CUSHIONS IF YOU'RE EVER SHUT INDOORS YOU CAN DIG UP ALL THE FLOWERS FROM THE FRESHLY PLANTED BEDS AND WITH ARTICLES OF CLOTHING IT’S OK TO PULL SOME THREADS BUT I REMEMBER AS A KINDERGARTEN KITTENAct One.us cerca (CAT:) UGLY: CAT: HONK! 33 ONE PHRASE THAT LEFT ME SINGULARLY SMITTEN YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD BEFORE YOU EAT IT YOU CAN CHIVVY YOUR CHOW BEFORE YOU CHEW YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD YOU CAN’T BEAT IT SO DUCKY LET ME PLAY WITH YOU ‘YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD BEFORE YOU BITE IT YOU CAN TOY WITH YOUR TUCK BEFORE THE CRUNCH ‘YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD ‘WHY FIGHT IT? IT’S A CRAZY LITTLE GAME CALLED LUNCH! So tell me, Ducky, what would you Like to play? It can be anything, I won't tell your mother. Anything? ... Well... TD LIKE TO PADDLE IN THE PUDDLES DABBLE IN THE MUD TICKLE STICKLEBACKS IN THE SHALLOWS THEN MAYBE IF THERE'S TIME GO SLIDING IN THE SLIME TO THE MARSH WHERE YOU MARSHMALLOWS TLL GO AND YY A DRAGONFLY WATCH WA’ BOATMEN RACE TO SAY THAT GATS ARE DANGEROUS IS CLEARLY NOT THE CASE TD RATHER PLAY A GAME THAT’S SHARP AND WITTY AND PREFERABLY WITH SOMETHING IN THE KITTY34 (CAT:) UGLY: CAT: HONK! U5 raiee-Act One YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD BEFORE YOU NIBBLE YOU CAN JEST WITH YOUR JOINT . BEFORE YOU SLICE YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD BUT DON'T DRIBBLE MY MAMA GAVE THE BEST ADVICE YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD BEFORE YOU GULP IT YOU CAN MESS WITH YOUR MEAL BEFORE YOU MUNCH YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD THEN PULP IT IT’S A CRAZY LITTLE GAME CALLED LUNCH! WE COULD GO RUSHING IN THE RUSHES DASHING DOWN A DITCH FIND A KIND OF PLACE WHERE IT’S BOGGY THEN MAKE A LITTLE CAMP THAT IS SECRETIVE AND DAMP FOR ME AND MY MATE THE MOGGY AND IF THE OTHER DUCKLINGS WANT TO COME AND JOIN OUR GAMES THEY HAVE TO MAKE A PROMISE FIRST TO STOP CALLING ME NAMES OH, PLL HELP YOU TO FORGET THE WAY THEY SCOLDED JUST AS SOON ASI HAVE GOT MY NAPKIN FOLDED UGLY, still oblivious of the CAT’ intentions, hides as if playing hide-and-seek. The cat indulges him. Qh, you want te play hide-and-seek, do you? Where are you? Am? gerting warmer? An instrumental ‘Tom and Jerry’ type sequence follows during which the CAT tries to get UGLY into the bowl.Act One userico HONK! 35 (CAT) YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD BEFORE YOU EAT IT YOU CAN CHIVVY YOUR CHOW BEFORE YOU CHEW YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD YOU CAN'T BEAT IT SO DUCKY, DUCKY, DUCKY, DUCKY, DUCKY, DUCKY, DUCKY, DUCKY, DUCKY, LET ME PLAY WITH YOU YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD BEFORE YOU BITE IT YOU CAN TOY WITH YOUR TUCK BEFORE THE CRUNCH YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD WHY FIGHT IT? TT’S A CRAZY LITTLE GAME... Do you like oranges? UGLY: Idon’t know, I've never tried one. CAT: ‘Well suck on this. ‘The CAT slaps a slice of orange into UGLY’s mouth, IT’S A CRAZY LITTLE GAME CALLED LUNCH! On the last beat of the song, the CAT pops a lid on the bowl which now contains UGLY. Offitage we hear the sound of CHILDREN playing. UGLY: ‘What's that noise? CAT: Salivating. UGLY: It’s coming from outside. CAT: Ob thar, it’s just those wretched children from the farm playing ball, Do they come and play with me? Do they ring aro my rosie? I don’t suppose they even remember that they own a cat. Some people just shouldn’t keep animals - ‘and eight out of ten cats who expressed a preference would agree with me.36 HONK! usveniea-Act One UGLY: (climbing out of the bowl) What are people? CAT: What are people? Ho, you don’t want to get mixed up with-them. Bad news, that’s what people are. Just think yourself lucky, Ducky, that I am going to spare you from ever having to encounter them. The CAT makes as if to sever one of UGLY’s wings with a cleaver. BOY'S VOICE: Duck! CAT: Yes, correct, it’s a duck. BOY'S VOICE: Duck! CAT: Yes, know it’s a ruddy duck! UGLY: Actually [think P’'m a mallard, BOY'S VOICE: Duck! There is the sound of a shattering window as a baseball whizzes on and strikes the CAT on the back of the head. CAT: Struck out by a fowl ball. The CAT collapses and falls, unconscious, into his own bowl. UGLY doesn’t know what to do. BOY'S VOICE: You broke the window! GIRL’S VOICE: The ball’s gone inside. UGLY: Oh no, they’re coming in. Music No. 7A LOST (Ugly) (sees the CAT inside the bowl) That's a good idea, you hide in there until the heat is off. Pll try to find my own way back to the |. Perhaps we can have lunch some other time. The barn door rateles violently.neteetiemniadl — Ohno... FUGLY, looking scared, runs in the opposite direction and finds a loose plank in the B enail of the barn. He slips through it and the CAT’ lair set disappears. Now, was it right at the cow shed and turn left to the henhouse, or . . . oh, no, we passed a pig’s trough, that’s right, I remember the smell, and there was 2 water-butt that he wouldn’t let me swim in, and . . . no. I’m sure it was left past the cow shed. With a sense of poerpose UGLY seis off. I'D LIKE TO PADDLE IN THE PUDDLES DABBLE IN THE MUD TICKLE STICKLEBACKS IN THE SHALLOWS ‘The sound. of a barking dog scares UGLY back onto the stage. He is now rather concerned as he doesn't recognize any landmarks and darkness is beginning to fall. Oh dear, [think I’m Jost. On the word ‘lost’ the lights snap from UGLY onto MAUREEN, who is back in the duckyard talking to IDA. Scene Three [tis now twilight back in the duckyard and the fruitless search for UGLY has been called off. MAUREEN: Lost? . . . (winces) with the cat? Ida, ducklings don’t get ost’ with cats, You know that, f IDA: We dope know for sure. FLUFF: Did the cat really eat him, mama? That's gross. BEAKY: Yeah, fancy eating something as ugly as that.US verion - ACT NE IDA: ‘That's enough of that! I don’t want to hear another quack. He will be back here by morning and when he gets home you are going to be nice to him. Now, off to roost. With much embarrassed shuffling the DUCKLINGS and other members of the duckyard prepare to turn in for the night. IDA stands alone. DRAKE clearly doesn’t know bow to console her. Music No. 8 THE ELEGY (Company) MAUREEN: AN EERIE MOOD DESCENDS THE FARM IT SEEMS SO STRANGELY QUIET THE RUMOUR IS THE CAT HAS HAD MORE ROUGHAGE IN HIS DIET ALTHOUGH HE WAS AN UGLY BIRD IT HURTS US NOW TO SAY THAT FEATHERS HAVE BEEN SIGHTED IN THE PUSSY’S LITTER TRAY MAUREEN tries again to prepare IDA for the worst. MAUREEN: I don’t mean to be rude, Ida, but the description! ... The donkey said he saw a cat walking away with a.... well... who else round here looked like that! IDA: - I don’t believe it. He was . . . is a tough little duck and I’m certain he could outsmart that mangy old tom. MAUREEN: _fisnconvinced) Of course he could. > IDA: No, he’s out there somewhere, probably on his way back right now. Ahd if he isn’t - Fil just have to go and find him, won't / MAUREEN bugs IDA and follows the other birds offstage. WOMEN: POOR IDA HAS OUR SYMPATHIES SHE LOOKS SO SAD AND GLOOMYBUT LOOKING ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE HER NEST IS NOW MORE ROOMY WE FIND IT RATHER DIFFICULT TO SAY CONSOLING THINGS AH. TONIGHT THE UGLY DUCKLING SLEEPS BENEATH AN ANGEL'S WINGS TONIGHT THE UGLY DUCKLING SLEEPS BENEATH AN ANGEL'S WINGS -— IDA remains looking out into the darkness, tearful but determined. Soe is suddenly interrupted by TV Presenter JAY BIRD, together with a FLOOR MANAGER and a FILM CAMERAMAN from the Crime Show “America’s Most Feathered”. ‘The FLOOR MANAGER cordons everyone bebind a ‘police tape’ FLOOR MANAGER: _ Back, back, back. Everyone back, please. JAY BIRD indicates to the CAMERAMAN that IDA is their target and to start the flr rolling. JAY BIRD: And rolling. So tell me, Ida, it has been a week now since your son! went missing. How are you bearing up? Can you manag tear for the camera? IDA: Wh. i what? - y DRAKE enters, having clearly called the TV unit. DRAKE: Oh, good, they've arrived. Leave this to me, love. (To JAY BIRD) Now, which do you think is my best side? IDA: Drake, what is this? JAY BIRD: .... Zoom in for the head shot. Confusion. Anguish. Matrimonial disquiet. I love it. And . . . close-up for the reaction shot . . .40 HONE? US renico -Act One DRAKE: This, dear, is Jay Bird from “America’s Most Feathered.” They're doing a feature. This’ll get us.one up on the pelicans. (To JAY BIRD) Here’s the picture you wanted, it’s a bit torn, I’m afraid. (He hands JAY BIRD the tom school photograph) Of course, we are all still in a state of very, very deep... JAY BIRD ignores DRAKE and goes in for the kill with IDA. JAY BIRD: Ida, there have been rumors of farmyard bullying - do you believe your son was abducted, or is it possible thar he ran away to escape his persecutors? IDA: ‘What are you saying? JAY BIRD: That's good. I'll buy that. Defensive yet emotional. Just 4 hint of anger. P'm filling up here. IDA: Why can’t you leave us alone? JAY BIRD: Nice... oh, very nice . . . feisty sells. DRAKE: What about me? Does no-one care about what I think? JAY BIRD: * Sorry, sir, coming to the end of transmission. (Into camtera} T'm going to leave the final word with Ida, just in case her son is out there watching, bue for now this is Jay Bird from “America’s Most Feathered” saying that if you see anything suspicious - from thieving magpies to lost ducklings/- the chicks on the switchboard are waiting to take your‘all. All right, Ida, it’s all yours... Music No. 9 (EVERY TEAR A MOTHER CRIES (Ida) DRAKE: And don’t start blubbing, for God’s sake. JAY BIRD goes over to the assembled CROWD with DRAKE. IDA composes herself then sings izto the carera. EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND IEXPECT YOU TO APPEAR EVERYONE MAY CALL MY NAMEAct ODE. Us vesioa FIONK! 41 — JSsSV EES (IDA:) BUT IT’S YOUR VOICE THAT I HEAR EVERY MOMENT THAT YOU'RE GONE IS A MOMENT DARK AND GREY EVERY TEAR A MOTHER CRIES IS A DREAM THAT’S WASHED AWAY (To the CAMERAMAN) Get away! (To the onlookers) Get away, all of you. EVERY DAY WILL SEEM TO BE MORE EMPTY THAN THE LAST EVERYWHERE THE SUN ONCE SHONE A SHADOW HAS BEEN CAST EVERY MOMENT THAT YOU'RE GONE IS A MOMENT DARK AND GREY EVERY TEAR A MOTHER CRIES IS A DREAM THAT’S WASHED AWAY MAUREEN enters, carrying a packed suitcase for IDA. They embrace. DRARE burries on. DRAKE: But, Ida, you! can’t just leave me with the other four. IDA: You'll minage, Drake. My mind is made up. DRAKE: Bur you're wasting your time, love, you know you are. Apart from which it’s dangerous to go wandering off beyond the churchyard at this time of year. . IDA: I won't be satisfied until I find the truth. Try to under- stand, dear. A mother knows. . DRAKE: ‘Well here, you'd better take the cellphone. DRAKE exits. IDA: EVERY MOMENT SEEMS AN HOUR EVERY HOUR LASTS A DAY EVERY TEAR A MOTHER CRIES IS A DREAM THAT’S WASHED AWAY42 HONE! Usrmion Act One ‘The four DUCKLINGS run in to bug their mother as she departs. EVERY TEAR A MOTHER CRIES . IS A DREAM THAT'S WASHED AWAY Blackout. Scene Four Time passes. The set transforms to open marshland with a big open sky, scattered with puffy clouds, It is morning. Unbeknownst to the audience, UGLY has sought shelter in a ditch. Music No. 9A GOOSE MARCH (ostrumental) Two GEESE enter. GREYLAG has obviously had a glorious military career. DOT, who is rather gentler, humors him sweetly. They walk with a military ‘goose step’. GREYLAG: Now where Have they got to? Shabby flock. I do wish they would/Keep up. No discipline, that’s the trouble with the goslingy of today. DOT: They're probably tired, dear. We have been marching for an awfully long time. GREYLAG: — Poppycock. Would you prefer that we fly? With a shoot on the marsh? I think not, my sweet, This way. Their way is suddenly blocked by the emergence of UGLY from his hiding place in the ditch. UGLY: Excuse me. | wonder if you could help. GREYLAG: Keep walking, dear. Eyes front. UFO at four o'clock, UGLY: ‘You see Pm lost. The GEESE continue to walk past.Act UNC. Us version GREYLAG: DOT: UGLY: GREYLAG: DOT: GREYLAG: DOT: GREYLAG: DOT: GREYLAG: DOT: UGLY: GREYLAG: UGLY: GREYLAG: HONK! 4B No excuse for bad navigation. A bird who gets off his flight-path doesn’t deserve his wings, that’s what I always say, isn't it, dear? (e0ith feeling) Always, dear But [can’t even fly yet, D've got lost on foot. Bah! Infantry, ch? Messy business. He’s only a youngster. Maybe we should direct him. (Remembering) Give him his marching orders. Bah! Very well. We're geese, migrants, you know, birds of passage. Run a tight fleet. Wouldn’t do for us to lose our ways what? Well, dear, there was that time when we ended up in the Wayhrard Islands, Windward, deer, Windward. And that was a different matter entirely. Weak thermals, strong headwinds, blown off course. So how come my sister managed to get to Fort Lauderdale? ‘Yes, yes, yes, quite. Where were you trying to get to? Back to my mother, on the lake. I think it must be in that direction, I saw some ducks flying over a few minutes ago. Well, if you did it was probably their last flying mission, what? What do you mean? Haven't you heard the ground to air? Bang, bang, pop, pop, what?UGLY: No. DOT: There’s a shoot on the marsh, dear. It’s very dangerous. UGLY: What is a shoot? DOT: Well, it’s a people sport. One group of men move through the marsh scaring ducks into the air, while a second group, with guns, shoot them back out of the air again. All three look at one another and shrug as if to say ‘What's the point of that’. UGLY: The cat warned me about people. GREYLAG: The cat? UGLY: Yes, you see I went off with this cat. GREYLAG: Ho, bs paren probably wanted to get rid of the ngly blighter DOT: Didn't your mother tell you how dangerous a cat is? UGLY: Well, yes, she did but... GREYLAG: The enemy. Nasty piece of work. Pull your wishbone soon as look at you. UGLY: But the cat said he was my friend. DOT: You don’t want friends like that, dear. Your mother was right to warn you. UGLY: She was? Gun Dogs bark nearby. UGLY is frightened. GREYLAG: Gun dogs. They must be starting the shoot again. Time for maneuvers. I had hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but 1 have no option. All right, at ease. (DOT and UGLY sit) Company, fall in! The motley squadron of GEESE arrive. BARNACLES, PINKFOOT and SNOWY stumbleon, peAG:} I didn’t mean literally. All right, eyes front. Ler’s have a look at you. ds to give his ‘troops’ an inspection. Barnacles . .. Barnacles .. . when I said ‘eyes front’ I had hoped that your body would naturally be facing in a similar direction. Sorry, Wing-Commander. Pinkfoot, you’ve trodden in something .. . how many times have I told you to mind your own business? See to it. Syowy --. Ob, never mind, All right men, at ease. Now listen very carefully, we have received orders to embark on very delicate, not to say dangerous, mission. Ob; one of them sit Our'task is one of reconnaissance and reunification, Oh, here we go. Translation, Dor? The duckling’s lost his mum, bless him, and we're going to find her. If that’s what he means why doesn’t he say it? You can always tell a Pompous goose by his Pigeon English. All right, men. Attention! As you know, we are about to take part in an exercise, the likes of which we have not faced before. You are a fine body of geese and I know you will give of your very best. Good luck, men. (He seiytes them) Music No. 10 THE WILD GOOSE CHASE (Greylag, Dot, Snowy, Barnacles, Pinkfoot, Ugly, Car) WE'RE OFF ON A WILD GOOSE CHASE WE WILL BE NO STRANGER TO DANGER THE SQUADRON WILL SHOW NO FEAR46 DOT: GREYLAG: GREYLAG: BOTH: DOT: GREYLAG: DOT: SQUAD: HONK! Usveniee Act One WE'RE OFF AND NO MATTER WHERE WE ROAM ALTHOUGH THE MIND BOGGLES THIS GAGGLE IN GOGGLES IS SURE TO FIND YOUR HOME RUNWAY'S CLEAR PREPARE FOR TAKE-OFF DEAR WE MUST PLAY OUR PART HARK AT HIM [FEAR HIS CABIN LIGHTS ARE RATHER DIM CHOCKS AWAY OUR R DISPLAY MUST START WE'RE ON A WILD GOOSE CHASE AND OUR SIMPLE MISSION POSITION THE WHEREABOUTS OF YOUR FARM. ‘WE'RE OFF AND UNLESS WE’RE BLOWN INTO KINGDOM COME WE WON'T BE BACK UNTIL WE'VE FOUND YOUR MUM But we don’t know where his farm is, dear. How are we going to plan the route? Don’t worry, I'l! navigate. That’s what I was afraid of. WE'RE OFF ON A WILD GOOSE CHASE TI’s A THANKLESS TASK. BUT WE ASK WHO COULD DOIT AS WELL AS WE? WE'RE OFF, KEEN TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEMS’ CRUX FOR WHAT COULD BE GRANDER THAN HAVING A GANDER FOR AWOL MISSING DUCKS?UGLY: CAT: GREYLAG: GREYLAG; SNOWY: GREYLAG: Y starts to edge it’s way across the marsh. We see the CAT. dressed in deerstalher and Barbour jacket, tipsocing along bebind the ‘hide? Excuse me, Sir. Cat ails advancing from the rear. ‘What? I think we've spoken before on the subject of your spectacles, Barnacles. Get ’em checked. Cat tails do not advance. One of the things they are most famous for is being rooted to the spot. F The CAT pops ont from bebind the bide’ nexs to UCLY. Hello, Biicky - thought I'd lost you, Stand back or I'll peck. Ook, be still my quaking legs - Pm going to be goosed. What are you doing here? What are friends for? I've come to take you home, your mother is carrying on something fearful. My mother?.... you've seen my mother? Of course. She sent me to fetch you. Special envoy. Listen here, Cat. Pim in command around here and my squadron has taken personal charge of the duckling’s safe return to his mother. Well, I wouldn’t try flying ar the moment. Haven’t you heard the guns? We will commence maneuvers as soon as the shooting party is over. It’s their party but we'll fly if we want to, ha, ba, ha. Silence in the ranks.SNOWY: CAT: GREYLAG: CAT: HONK! rete Act One Little joke, sir. Maybe I could be of assistance. I'll go over to the shoot, then [ will let you know when they are packing up for the day. Very well, and no funny business. I know several ways to skin your type. It’s like taking candy from a baby The CAT exits in the direction: of the guns. SQUAD: DOT: SQUAD: GREYLAG: ALL: GREYLAG: WE'RE OFF ON A WILD GOOSE CHASE YOU MAY THINK IT ODD THAT A SQUAD SUCH AS OURS CAN PERFORM THIS ROLE WE'RE OFF AND WE'LL PROVE THAT'S NOT THE CASE AVOIDING THE ACK-ACK ‘WE'LL SEARCH FOR THIS QUACK-QUACK AND THEN RETURN TO BASE Company present paper! Company present comb! The COMPANY play the verse section tune on comb and paper, over which GREYLAG gives his final address, We are about to face our most perilous mission to date. I need hardly tell you of the risks involved or of the ultimate price that we may have to pay. (A pause for a short comb and paper sola) As we fly on to glory I want you to know how very proud I am of this squadron. Keep a stiff upper beak, men, and remember our motto “Semper victorium non pate de fois gras”.speech. BQUAD sing the verse section sotto voce to Bom’ (no comb and paper) under Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Dot, 1 am your Senior Flight Attendant and, on behalf of Captain Greylag, I would like to welcome you to this afternoon's flight from Boggy Marshland to some fai-flung farm. We will be cruising at an altitude of several feet and flying in a rather attractive V-formation. In the unlikely event of an emergency landing, we ask that you observe the safety procedures that we've been through so many, many times before. We hope you have a pleasant journey, and thank you for choosing Goose Air... “The Fluffy Skies" / WE'RE OFF TO ENSURE THIS DUCKLING IS NOT SO GLUM WE WON'T BE BACK UNTIL WE'VE FOUND YOUR... The CAT runs back in. CAT: The coast is clear. They are putting avray their guns. GREYLAG: Are you sure? CAT: (deliberately false) On one of my lives, GREYLAG: Good. All right, men. Final check. Oh, and here's a para- chute for you. CAT: F.... for me? GREYLAG: You don’t think I'm going to leave you here with the duckling do you? Oh no, puss, you're coming with us. CAT: Oh, cat liter! SQUAD/DOT/ GREYLAG: OUR WINGS ARE SPREAD50. HONK! U5 wwen-Act One UGLY: SO DON'T DELAY SQUAD/DOT : GREYLAG: | OUR EXCESS BAGS ARE STOWED AWAY ALL: IT’S TIME TO FLY SQUAD/DOT/ GREYLAG: - WE’RE OFF ON A WILD GOOSE CHASE WITH A HAPPY ENDING IMPENDING IF WE CAN LOCATE HIS NEST, LOCATE HIS NEST || WE'RE OFF, CHEERIO, GOODBYE, TOODLEPIP OLD CHUM UGLY: THEY'RE OFF TO TRY AND FIND THE FARM AND WHEN THEY'VE FOUND THE FARM THEY'LL FIND MY MUM AND WE WILL BE TOGETHER EVERY DAY PLL BE WAITING COME WHAT MAY SO PLL SAY GOODBYE, TOODLEPIP OLD CHUM WOMEN: WE WON'T BE BACK UNTIL MEN: WE WON'T BE BACK UNTIL CAT: WE WON'T BE BACK! GREYLAG/ DOT: WE WON'T BE BACK UNTIL WE’VE FOUND SNOWY: FOUND UGLY: FOUND BARNACLES: FOUND PINKFOOT: FOUND UGLY: [ MY MUMATE - U8 werion HONK! 51 REST: L YOUR MUM With a final salute to UGLY the Goose Squadron take to the air. UGLY: Good-bye... Good luck... thank you. Thank you. A thundering volley of gunshots rings out. The sky darkens with gunsmoke. UGLY matches in horror asthe members of the Goose Squadron are, one by one, sot out of the aer. The sky worms to red. A single white feather drops rom the Ries UGLY: No! No! What's happening? ... The cat! He said he was my friend. He said the people had put away their guns. He Tied. Oh, mama, what should Ido now? We hear the voice of IDA in UGLY’s head. ¢ °| Music No. 11. ACT ONE FINALE: HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH (Reprise) \ (Ida, Ugly) IDA: (of) BOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH UGLY: IT’S NOT ALWAYS SO EASY TO BOTH: HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH UGLY: AND APPEAR BRIGHT AND BREEZY I THOUGHT DREAMS WERE MADE FOR A REASON BUT HOPE SEEMS TO FADE WITH EACH SEASON AND MAMA YOU SEEM SO FAR AWAY. IDA: (appearing ‘elsewhere’ on her search) HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH UGLY: IT’S YOUR VOICE TI’S YOUR VOICE THAT I HEAR IDA: EVERY DAY WILL SEEM TO BE MORE EMPTY THAN THE LAST EVERYWHERE THE SUN ONCE SHONE A SHADOW HAS BEEN CAST52 (IDA:) UGLY: BOTH: HONK! BS rotee-Act One EVERY MOMENT THAT YOU'RE GONE IS AMOMENT DARK AND GREY EVERY TEAR A MOTHER CRIES IS ADREAM THAT’S WASHED AWAY HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH AND ALL THE WHILE WANDERING REMINISCING IKEEP PONDERING IF SHE’S MISSING ME MAYBE IN THE WAY I MISS HER JUST KNOWING THAT YOU’RE OUT THERE WILL HELP ME TO GET BY UNTIL WE'RE REUNITED INWILL HOLD MY HEAD UP HIGH UGLY finds that he he wandered unwittingly into the front garden of a little cottage. In the closing bars of the music, we see the imposing shadow of the OLD WOMAN approaching, In order to escape, UGLY darts through the door into the cottage. Blackout. End of ACT ONEAct Tw0-us resco HONK! 53 ACT TWO Scene One Music No. 12 ENTR’ACTE (astrumental) During the Entr'acte, in order to shelter from the cold, UGLY slips inside the cottage. As the lights come up we discover UGLY tentatively exploring the living room, He is suddenly startled to bear the VOICE of the OLD WOMAN addressing her pets, LOWBUTT the hen and QUEENIE the cat. He jumps down bebind the sofa. ; OLD WOMAN: (offitage) You two go on indoors. I'm going to sweep up the leaves from the front path. ( UGLY: Oh n6, a people person! UGLY hides as best he can. The door opens - we don’t see the OLD WOMAN - LOWBUTT and QUEENIE enter. OLD WOMAN: (offitage) Ill be in later to give you a dish of cream, Queenie, and there will be some corn for you, Lowbutr, if you can lay me an egg for my lunch, Perhaps a brown one with speckles? LOWBUTT: Brown I can manage, but I'm fresh out of speckles. We hear the OLD WOMAN walk away from the cottage and remain in the lounge with LOWBUTT and QUEENIE. There is a large lived in’ settee bedecked with cushions and lace covers. On the wall are three flying ducks. UGLY cowers somewhere within. QUEENIE suddenly stops short. QUEENIE: ‘What's that? There’s a dirty footprint on the shag. LOWBUTT: _ It’s always in a place where it shows. Some people are so thoughtless - why can’t they step on the patterned section like civilized folk?54 HONK! Ueno Act Two QUEENIE: Never mind where they stepped, my point is that some- one has stepped at all . . . in our house. LOWBUTT: And look, there, whoever it was has burst one of the pillows. UGLY: I'm, I'm not a burst pillow. LOWBUTT: — Oh, my word, it speaks. QUEENIE: © What are you, animal, vegetable or mineral? UGLY: Duckable}... Tmean duck, duck, P'm a dackling, LOWBUTT: Are yousure? Was your mother a duck? UGLY: Yes! LOWBUTT: Well she must have been sick as a parrot when she saw you! QUEENIE: A-ha-haha oh, Lowbute, that’s terribly good. LOWBUTT: — Thank you, dear. I don’t believe I've ever seen such an ugly duckling. | : QUEENIE: ‘What are you doing in our house? UGLY looks longingly at the three flying ducks’ on the wall. ingly UGLY: I was sheltering from the cold. I saw the door was left open and didn’t think it would burt to step inside. QUEENIE: Not hurt, not hurt? Well, ler me just tell you, the marks you've left on the carpet will drive the old woman to grab the Carpet Fresh and we can’t bear the smell of that stuff, can we, dear?Steady, Queenie, don’t upset yourself. He’s obviously going through the molt, Hormones running amok, jrrational behavior, mood swings. What of it? 1 don't think I like your tone, young poultry-my-lad.. ‘And mind that! You'll be marking the antimacassar next! What's an antimacassar? I don't know but it obyiously works - there hasn't been a macassir in the house for as long as ican remember. Achahaha, oh, Queenie, that’s awfully good, you are a furjny cat. Thank you, dear. Car? Are... are you acat? Of course I’m a cat. So... so are you going to eat me? Don’t be disgusting, the very thought. I've never been into the bird butchering business. Couldn’t be doing with all _ those feathers - it’s like eating 2 meal and flossing your teeth at the same time. No, the old woman poaches me a fresh fish. But the old woman is a person, doesn’t she hurt you? And you, you're a chicken, why is she keeping you shut inside? Don’t you prefer it out in the yard? ‘You must be crazy. All that scratching and scraping. I live on the couch, thank you very much, Queenie and I are domesticated, you see.36 QUEENIE/ LOWBUTT: QUEENIE: LOWBUTT: QUEENIE: LOWBUTT: QUEENIE: LOWBUTT: HONK! Vsrain Act Two Music No. 13 IT TAKES ALL SORTS (Queenie, Lowburt, Ugly) IT TAKES ALL SORTS TO MAKE A WORLD ON THAT POINT WE ARE CLEAR IT TAKES ALL SORTS TO MAKE A WORLD BUT WE DON’T WANT ’EM HERE OUR TASTE IS GOOD AND LIBERAL OUR VIEWS ARE WELL EXPRESSED IT TAKES ALL SORTS TO MAKE A WORLD IT’S JUST THAT OUR SORT’S BEST So, you should be grateful that we are even bothering to enter into conversation with riffraff like yourself. You see, Lowbutt, so named because of an obvious deficiency in the leg department, Lowbutt is normally most particular about whom she chooses to speak to. And I might tell you that Queenie is downright snobbish ‘when it comes to social intercourse with poultry. I count myself most fortunate that our common interest in needle- point has rendered us such close friends. WHEN ONE EXPLORES THE GREAT OUTDOORS ONE FEARS WHAT ONE MAY SEE WE'RE NOUVEAU RICHE OUR PERFECT NICHE IS HERE ON THE SETTEE OUTSIDE THE WORLD KEEPS CHANGING IT’S A CONSTANT STATE OF FLUX THAT DOESN'T SUIT DOMESTIC FOLK. IT’S BEST LEFT FOR YOU DUCKS During the following chorus, LOWBUT makes the tea with QUEENIE’s help. BOTH: OH IT TAKES ALL SORTSQUEENIE: QUEENIE/ LOWBUTT: UGLY: QUEENIE: LOWBUTT: UGLY: QUEENIE: UGLY: TO MAKE A WORLD ON THAT POINT WE ARE CLEAR TT TAKES ALL SORTS TO MAKE A WORLD BUT WE DON’T WANT "EM HERE OUR TASTE IS GOOD AND LIBERAL OUR VIEWS ARE WELL-EXPRESSED IT TAKES ALL SORTS QUEENIE: TOMAKE A WORLD BOTH: TI'S JUST THAT OUR SORT’S UGLY: I THINK MY SORTS The sugar lumps are added. (spoken) Just a splash! OUR SORT'S BEST! But. . . what do you do here all day? We sit and chat and sit and chat and sometimes I will arch my back and let sparks fly from my far. ‘Then we sit and chat and sit and chat and sometimes I will lay an egg. And is that it? ‘What else is there for civilized folk to do? What do you do? Well, my absolute favorite thing is swimming. It’s so wonderful letting the water close over your head as you plunge right down at the bottom.58 HONK! omen Act Two} QUEENIE: —_Lowburt knows all about plunging down at the bortom, | don't you, dear? 4 LOWBUTT gives QUEENIE a withering look. UGLY: Come on, I'll show you. LOWBUTT: Swimming? In the autumn? I’ve never heard of such a crazy notion. QUEENIE: Well, you could use some exercise, dear, think of your thigh meat - she’s got drumsticks like an ostrich. LOWBUTT: — Well you haven’t exactly been a slave to your step-aerobics vr it’s as much as you can do to get your flap open. QUEENIE: Gracious, Lowbutt, you're missing your TV program! Chop chop! (To UGLY) She loves watching her Antiques Show. LOWBUTT: — Where's the remote? QUEENIE: You're sitting on it. QUEENIE starts to exit. The TV comes on in the middle of “America’s Most Feathered”. Both JAY BIRD and IDA’s voices are heard emanating from the screen, JAY BIRD: . .. Six months on, and still no sighting of the duckling, who, as you will remember from the photograph released at the time, has what can best be described as a rather unforgettable appearance. Now, our experts believe that he may already have undergone certain changes and they have put together a composite of what they believe he might look like today. Some viewers may find this image disturbing. IDA: I'm sure he is still out there somewhere. So, if anyone has seen him, please call in.Act TWO-vs mee HONE! 59 UGLY: Mama! JAY BIRD: Yes, once again, viewers, we are appealing to you if you have any information. The number is coming up on your screen. LOWBUTIT: (to UGLY) Is there something you’d like to tell us, dear? UGLY: Mama! UGLY touches thé TV screen. QUEENIE: Did you run away from home? UGLY: No, I... QUEENIE: Well, there is only one thing to do. T'll call from the kitchen. QUEENIE exits. There is a ring on the doorbell. UGLY: LOWBUTT: Oh no, the old woman. She wouldn’t ring her own doorbell. Come in. The door swings open and there stands the CAT dressed, rather badly, as Drake. CAT: Quack, quack. Oh no! What are you doing here? Thought P'd cooked my goose, eh? (Acting) Is that any way to greet your long lost feather .. . father? ‘Your father? Ugliness certainly runs in the family. He’s not my father, don’t listen to him.60 CAT: UGLY: LOWBUTT: UGLY: CAT: UGLY: CAT: UGLY: QUEENIE: CAT: QUEENIE: CAT: LOWBUTT: CAT: HONE! Ui wenn Act Two He is overcome. Son... hug your daddy. Your mother and I have been worried sick. Don’t let him near me. Does he look like a duck?! Now, now dear. Folk who live in glasshouses shouldn’t call the kettle black... or something like that. He’s a cat! ‘ch, ha, ha, ha, children will have their fun, I’m sorry if he has caused you any inconvenience and I’m most grateful that you've... kept him all in one piece. Come along, Ducky, thank the nice poultry for looking after you He's a cat, I tell you. A sly, treacherous, double-crossing . . .. hungry... . no good, conniving tom cat. (reentering) It’s no good, the line’s busy. Well, hello. Mercy - another duck, what’s the matter? Haven't you got a pond to go to? Meeoow! (cuspicious) Shouldn't you be getting back? You said his mother was sick with worry. Meeoow! Meeoow! ‘The CAT starts to frantically pull off his feathers, beak, webs etc. to reveal hinvself asa cat to QUEENIE. UGLY: Itold you he was a tom cat.Rct TWO. ras HONK! 61 (seductively) A tom cat? Music No. 13a TOM CAT STING (lastrumental) LOWBUTT: Don’t get aay funny ideas, Queenie We have an arrange. ment, don’t forget. It is to0 late. QUEENIE and the CAT only have eyes for each other. The CAT. however, does not wish to lose UGLY so he secures him LOWBUTT: Ob no! There will be tears before bedtime! it is apparent that LOWBUTT will do anything she can to prevent any lizison between QUEENIE and the CAT. Music No. 14 TOGETHER (Cat, Queenie, Lowbutt) CAT: MADAM, I'D BE HONOURED THOUGH IM NOT OF YOUR LK IF WE COULD GET TOGETHER MAYBE SHARE A DISH OF MILK. QUEENIE: SIR, 'D BE DELIGHTED THOUGH IT’S TRUE YOU'RE A SCRUFF BUT WHEN ONE'S HAD THINGS EASY ONE LIKES A BIT OF ROUGH LOWBUTT: Queenie! You loose cat! CAT/ QUEENIE: TOGETHER ON THE TILES WE WILL TOTTER TOGETHER WE WILL SIT ON GARDEN WALLS TOGETHER WE WILL MAKE TIN ROOFS . SEEM HOTTER LOWBUTT: TOGETHER YOU'LL BE THROWING UP FUR BALLS62 CAT/ QUEENIE: LOWBUTT: HONR! Useenies- Act Two TOGETHER WE WILL BUILD OURSELVES A CAT FLAP TOGETHER AFTER DARK WE'LL FILE IN TOGETHER WE WILL SNUDDLE FOR A CAT NAP TOGETHER YOU COULD STRING A VIOLIN LOWBUTT forces herself between the lovers and addresses QUEENIE. HAD YOU FORGOTTEN, DEAR? ‘THE CLINIC HAS CONFIRMED THAT THEY CAN FIT YOU IN YOU NEED TO BE DEWORMED AND WITH YOUR LAST ATTACK YOU ALMOST FILLED A SACK SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO LOWBUTT now addresses the CAT. IT’S ONLY FAIR TO SAY THAT SHE IS RATHER PRONE TO CARRY PARASITES HER FUR IS NOT HER OWN AND ON THE HYGIENE FRONT TO BE BOTH FRANK AND BLUNT TI’S BETTER YOU DON’T KNOW ALTHOUGH I DON'T WISH TO GRIPE [DON’T THINK SHE’D BE YOUR TYPE The two lovers appear to be totally unaware of LOWBUTT's intervention, and cast her aside. CAT/ QUEENIE: TOGETHER WE WILL SING OUR OWN CAT’S CHORUS TOGETHER WE CAN CHOOSE OUR FAVOURITE KEYSa HONK! 6 FCAT S QUEENIE: © TOGETHER WE WILL CONQUER ALL BEFORE US LOWBUTT: TOGETHER YOU CAN RID HER OF HER FLEAS LOWBUTT turns to UGLY for assistance. YOU HAVE TO HELP ME OUT IT’S LOOKING PRETTY GRIM WHAT WILL BECOME OF ME IF SHE SHOULD GO WITH HEV? SHE’S GONE ALL GOOEY-EYED AND 1AM TERRIFIED SHE’LL LEAVE ME ON THE SHELF LOWBUTT releases UGLY and ushers him to the door, which she opens and pushes the bewildered UGLY to his freedom. Well, go on then . .. run! OH DEAR, ALAS, ALACK THE DOOR WAS LEFT AJAR THE DUCKLING HAS ESCAPED HE WON'T HAVE GOT THAT FAR IF YOU START MAKING TRACKS YOU’RE BOUND TO HEAR HIS QUACKS AND CATCH HIM FOR YOURSELF DON’T LET US DELAY YOUR TRIP HE'LL SOON BE WITHIN YOUR GRIP The CAT, during a stylized tango, agonizes over whether to stay with QUEENIE or pursue UGLY. He unceremoniously drops QUEENIE and rushes after the duckling, LOWBUTT bypocritically tries to comfort the abandoned QUEENIE. LOWBUTT: TOGETHER WE WILL OVERCOME THIS HEARTACHE TOGETHER WE’VE THE STRENGTH TO SEE IT THROUGHa HONK! Us verion Act Two LOWBUTI/ QUEENIE: TOGETHER AS IF NOTHING REALLY HAPPENED TOGETHER WE WILL STAY TOGETHER WE WILL STAY TOGETHER WE WILL STAY AS ME AND YOU Fade to blackout. Scene Two Back in the duckyard, DRAKE is not doing too well at looking after the DUCKLINGS ‘while IDA is away. The DUCKLINGS seem to be ‘going through that stage’. DRAKE waits impatiently for them to return after an evening out. Music No. 15 THE COLLAGE (Drake, Ida, Company) DRAKE: AS A DRAKE MY MISTAKE WAS LETTING HER GO SEARCHING FOR MY SON YEAH, THAT ONE! TT AIN'T RIGHT - PVE SPENT WEEKS FILLING BEAKS HEARING ‘DADDY, DADDY, DADDY’ TM DEPRESSED ROUND THE NEST DAY AND NIGHT ‘The rather more adolescent DUCKLINGS return. DRAKE: ‘And what sort of time do you call this? FLUFF: ‘We sort of lost track of the time. BEAKY: The owl didn’t give a hoot.Act TW0-ts vei DRAKE: DOWNY: DRAKE: BILLY: DRAKE: BILLY: DRAKE: BILLY: DRAKE: BEAKY: DRAKE; FLUFF: DRAKE: DOWNY: DRAKE: HONK! 65 Well your father does. Mum would’ve let us stay out. : Mum's not here - you're grounded. Oh, guano! And where d'you pick up language like that? I told you not to hang round with that Jay Bird .. . he’s so blue. Well, you say it. That's different. I say it in a mature, adult and grown up way. Still means the same thing. ‘When’s mum coming back? I dunno, honey. And have you preened your feathers today? We haven’t gotten around to that yet. ‘What do you mean you haven’t gotten around to it yet? Whar do they teach you these days? You know what happens to ducks that don’t preen? They sink. But she is coming back? Tdunno, honey. (To another DUCKLING) And did you eat the pondweed I packed for you. The pelicans don’t have pondweed. No, the pelicans woulda’t. ‘Will she find Ugly?66 HONK! Useeaive Act Two DRAKE: (mapping) | dunno, honey. 1... T dunno. All right kids, ie’s time to roost. Make sure you brush your beaks, and don't take all the water, my bill’s big enough! The DUCKLINGS all exit. WHEN IDA SAID SHE’D GO THAD TO LET ’ER A SHAME, BECAUSE THIS APRON: SUITS HER BETTER WHERE’S THE JOY IN MOTHERHOOD? AN ENDLESS ROUND OF CHORES THAT HAVE TO BE DONE THEN WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE SEEN THE BACK OF THEM YOU FIND IN ACTUAL FACT, YOU'RE BACK AT SQUARE ONE THERE’S NO JOY IN MOTHERHOOD OR IF THERE JS, IT’S SOMETHING IJUST CAN’T SEE YET IDA SOMEHOW COPES WITH ALL OF THIS AND THEN, ON TOP OF THAT SHE PUTS UP WITH ME BEAKY: (offstage) Dad? DRAKE: Now what? Crossfade t0 IDA on ber journey, The collage music continues. Scene Three Ina collage of vignettes we follow IDA on her journey to try to find UGLY. IDA: J WILL SEARCH EVERY POND I WILL SEARCH EVERY STREAM, EVERY RIVER AND THE BROADEST OF BAYS IN THE WIDEST OF LAKES MUST BE CROSSEDAct TW0-us venice (IDA:) HONK! 67 WHILE YOU ARE MISSING FROM MY LIFE IT’S ME WHO’S FEELING LOST WITHOUT YOU I FEEL LOST The rest of the COMPANY form a ‘Greek chorus’ commenting on IDA’s progress. They have about them various accouterments or props necessary to distinguish as the characters IDA meets on her journey. ALL: LOOK AT HER IT’S A SHAME THAT SHE WON'T FACE THE FACT LOOK AT HER CAN’T SHE SEE THE WAY THE ODDS ARE STACKED? As IDA continues her journey we see DRAKE and TURKEY back on the farm. TURKEY: DRAKE: Well, have you heard anything from Ida yet? No, she’s got the cellphone switched off, But the pigeon delivered 2 note this morning, (He unfolds a piece of paper) Ie just says “I'm here. Twin Jugs, Minnesota”. I dunno if that’s a place or if she’s just being offensive. Back to IDA on her journey. ALL WOMEN: ALL MEN: WOMEN: MEN: WOMEN: LOOK AT HER LOOK AT HER NOTHING SHAKES HER FROM HER STRONG BELIEF NOTHING SHAKES HER STRONG BELIEF LOOK AT HER LOOK AT HER68 HONK! Act Two WOMEN: IT’S SO HARD TO COME TO TERMS WITH ALL: "GRIEF IDA is in conversation with GREYLAG and DOT - both of whom are heavily bandaged with splints, crutches etc. IDA: ...and he is about so high with a rather characteristic honk. GREYLAG: Sounds like that squaddy. He shot through a while ago. 1 say he shot through, it was us who were shot through. It was like Sag Harbor. DOT: I think you mean Pearl Harbor, dear. GREYLAG: Here, you can take this, if it helps. (He hands her bis map, shot through with bullet holes.) SOLO: LOOK AT HER SO CONVINCED SHE’S GETTING NEAR LOOK AT HER SHE’S A LITTLE LATE WE FEAR REST: LOOK AT HER §O CONVINCED THAT SHE IS GETTING NEAR LOOK AT HER SHE MAY BE A LITTLE LATE WE FEAR IDA appears at the cottage window, LOWBUTT peers out. LOWBUTT: And how do we know you're not a cat. IDA: Tbeg your pardon? LOWBUTT: The last duck who came by here tuned out to be a tom cat - one of those nasty transfeatherites.Act Two wrenive HONK! 69 QUEENIE: (appearing beside LOWBUTT) Did someone say tom cat? IDA sets off again ALL: AS EACH SEASON SLIPS AWAY SADLY THERE’S A TREND COMMON SENSE WOULD SEEM TO SAY THERE’S NO HAPPY END IDA appears beside a final, closed window. She is talking om the cellphone and pawing over GREYLAG’s map. IDA: No, Drake, listen, he was last seen traveling in the direction of Moorland Farm. ‘The CAT opens the window beside IDA - she doesn’t yet see him. CAT: That’s north of here, isn’t it? IDA: Yes. CAT: How very interesting. IDA turns and sees the CAT. IDA: Youll ALL chase off As our attention is diverted, PENNY enters, entangled in fishing line. Scene Four We catch up with UGLY who is back in the open fields. He hurries along looking nervously over his shoulder to check that the CAT is not pursuing him. He stops short when he bears a plaintive cry. UGLY turns to where the sound is coming from and discovers a beautiful young female swan, PENNY, tangled in fishing line ina ditch, PENNY: Help me! (Music stops) Please, help me! I’m caught.70 HONK! Useeum-Act Two UGLY: Who... who are you? PENNY: I'm Penny. Please, do you think you can untangle me? UGLY: feelf. conscious) Ti, Til try. UGLY bashfidly tries to find an end to the fishing line. He is still mesmerized. Wh... what are you? PENNY: (ourprised at the question) A swan. Ooh, mind you don’t hurt yourself on that hook. No point in us both getting damaged. UGLY: (entranced) A swan. PENNY: Typical me, my first migration and what happens... .? UGLY: Your first what? PENNY: Migration. The cold weather is serting in and we are feaving today for the warm lands UGLY: Leaving? PENNY: You're a funny one, all these questions. UGLY: Sorry. PENNY: ‘Whar's your name? UGLY: Everyone calls me Ugly. PENNY: Oh, don’t listen to them, it’s a stage we all go through. You should hear some of the things they called me before the molt, Penny-dreadful, Peany-plain, Penny-dropping. UGLY: (quietly) Pretty Penny? How could anyone call you names?PENNY: UGLY: PENNY: UGLY: Well... like I say it’s just a stage we all have to go through. (hashfully resuming his task) Excuse me. (He circles her waist) _ Could you lift your wing up? My mother always warned me to avoid the fishing line the people leave behind. (ouddenly enthusiastic) So did mine. She used to tell me when we were out swimming. (Completing his task) ‘There . . .just one more loop around your leg. (bugging UGLY) Oh, thank you. I thought I was going to be left behind and this is no place to spend the winter alone. (Pause) Where's your flock? I don’t know. I’m lost. I was separated from my family and the more I look for them the further it seems I wander away. That’s dreadful, when did you last see them? In the spring. In the spring! You've been lost since the spring? You poor thing, you can't stay here for the winter, you'll freeze. No, Pll be all right. We hear MOTHER SWAN calling from offstage. MOTHER SWAN: (offstage) Penny. Suddenly PENNY has an idea.72 HONK! Usrexion Act Two PENNY: Come with me! The others won't mind and then next spring we'll return together and I'll belp you find your family. UGLY: Oh, Tcouldn’t possibly... PENNY: Of course you could. Come on, or we'll never catch up. UGLY: Oh, Penny, I'd love to, Pd really love to, but T can’t... 1 can’t fly, at least not well enough to go with you. PENNY: It doesn’t matter if you're not as strong as the others, I'll stay back with you and fly at your pace. UGLY: Te sounds wonderful, but I must keep going, I have to find my mother. I’m sure she can’t be far away. Maybe when you come back in the spring we can meet up again, PENNY: Pd like that. Are you sure you will be all right? UGLY: Tm sure. MOTHER SWAN and BEWICK appear majestically. MOTHER : SWAN: Penny, come along, darling, we'll be late. PENNY: I don’t like to leave you here like this but I really have to go now. Good-bye and thank you again, I won't forget you. PENNY hugs UGLY in her wings then leaves in the direction of the other swans. As she leaves, UGLY again hears her honk’ PENNY: Honk! UGLY double takes and looks confused.Act TW0-us resis HONK! 73 Music No. 16 NOW P’VE SEEN YOU (Ugly) UGLY: PVE SEEN BUTTERFLIES ON BLUEBELLS DRINKING IN THE DEW COBWEBS IN THE SUNLIGHT, SHINING, I'VE SEEN THEM TOO PVE SEEN WOODLANDS IN THE AUTUMN. FALLING LEAVES OF EVERY SHADE AND HUE I THOUGHT IKNEW WHAT BEAUTIFUL WAS BUT NOW PVE SEEN YOU I'VE SEEN WATERFALLS CASCADING SPARKLING IN THE LIGHT DAMSEL FLIES THAT DANCE THEIR DANCE FROM MORNING TILL NIGHT I'VE SEEN RAINBOWS REACHING SKYWARD PASS BETWEEN THE CLOUDS THEN FADE FROM VIEW ITHOUGHT I KNEW WHAT BEAUTIFUL WAS BUT NOW IVE SEEN YOU AND THOUGH I'VE SEEN THE WILLOW’S WEEPING BRANCHES THE MISTY MORNING AIR A CLEAR AND STARRY NIGHT HAS NOTHING TO COMPARE WITH YOU I'VE SEEN SWALLOWS IN THE SUMMER WHEELING OVERHEAD THAVE SEEN THE SILKWORM SPINNING GOSSAMER THREAD THAVE SEEN THE GOLDEN SUNSET OVER THE HORIZON PAINTING SKIES OF PINK AND BLUE I THOUGHT IKNEW WHAT BEAUTIFUL WAS BUT NOWI'VE SEEN YOU NOW IVE SEEN YOU OH NOW I'VE SEEN YOU74 HONK! reve Act Two UGLY becomes despondent as the thought dawms on him that someone as beautiful as PENNY will not want to have anything to do with someone as ugly as him. She won't remember me. I bet she doesn’t even come back. But if she does... why would she want to have anything to do with me? Music No. 16a PRE-WARTS 1 (Instrumental) Ai that moment a large BULLFROG hops up beside UGLY carrying a rolled up llilypad under his arm. The BULLFROG places the lity on the ground and bops onto it. UGLY starts and cowers, assuming it ta be someone else to taunt him. BULLFROG: Ribbit, ribbi, whoops, pardon me. UGLY: Leave me alone. BULLFROG: Sorry, Feathers, I didn’t mean to make you jump. Not that there’s anything wrong with jumping of course - it sort of runs in the family or jumps in the family depend- ing on which way you... UGLY: What do you want? BULLFROG: — Wan? UGLY: Well, go on, you might as well get it off your chest - tell me how ugly I am. BULLFROG: — Ugly? UGLY: There. I hope you feel better now. BULLEROG: — Wos, woa, woa, Hang on a minute. Do you mind if I hop off and come back on again? He makes a false exit and reentry. I mean, have a word with yourself, Feathers. Who am I to call you ugly? Look at me...¥ looks at the BULLFROG for the first time. ULLFROG:) . . . there, see. I mean connect the dots, if we're talking ‘ugly’ they“ don’t come much more aesthetically. challenged than me. I know what your trouble is - you've been preening yourself too much. UGLY: What do you mean? BULLFROG: = You've got down in the mouth. Woo ha, ha, ha. (To + AUDIENCE) Nothing. I'm getting nothing. UGLY: I want to be left on my own. BULLFROG: Now that’s just downright anti-social. Hang on. (Clears his throat) I've got a human in my throat. (Again the BULL- FROG goes into hysterics but soon realizes that he is laughing alone) Oh well, I know how you feel, but you mustn't let it depress you. I started out as a blob of jelly and it’s been downhill ever since. For the first time UGLY actually looks as though be is warming to the BULL- FROG. I say to myself, “I’m just a handsome prince in frog’s clothing and one day someone’s going to come along and kiss me and release my inner beauty”. (Pause) And then I say to myself, “Nah, get real, who wants to french a frog!” This finally gets through to UGLY who laughs with the BULLFROG this time. You know what our trouble is? UGLY: No. BULLFROG: — Our ‘image’ isn’t in vogue. That’s all. It’s a question of taste, But you mark my words, one day ‘ugly’ will be ‘in’,76 HONK! Rsrenee-Act Two Music No. 17 WARTS AND ALL Bullfrog, Ugly, Froglets, Company) (BULLFROG:) IF YOUJUST SIT TIGHT ON YOUR LILYPAD UGLY: BULLFROG: EACH SILLY FAD WILL PASS THEN THOSE WHO SPORT THIS SEASON’S LOOK WILL FALL FLAT ON THEIR ASK-YOUR-MOTHER-WHAT-IT’S-CALLED FOR FASHION IS A FICKLE THING BUT JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE THE DAY WILL COME WHEN WE’RE IN STYLE AND THEN I GUARANTEE... OUT THERE SOMEONE'S GONNA LOVE YER SOMEONE’S GONNA LOVE YER WARTS AND ALL OUT THERE JUST AROUND THE CORNER IN AMONGST THE FAUNA SOMEONE’S GONNA FALL FOR YOU THOUGH TM TYRANNOSAURUS REXY SOME WILL FIND ME SEXY IN MY WAY THOUGH IT MAY TAKE SOME TIME TO FIND ’EM WHEN YOU DO YOU'LL HAVE A BALL *COS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE SOMEONE’S GONNA LOVE YER WARTS AND ALL (enthusiastically) Do you really believe that? Of course. If I didn’t, I might as well jack it all in and donate my legs to gastronomic research. I'm telling you, Feathers, you've got to look on the sunny side of the Hlypad. THE UGLIEST OF CREATURES HAVE A FEW REDEEMING FEATURES SO WHY NOT LET YOUR BETTER POINTSSHINE FORTH? A MOUTH THAT RUNS FROM EAST TO WEST {S$ BOUND TO MAKE YOU LOOK DEPRESSED IT’S BETTER IF THE CORNERS BOTH POINT NORTH That’s the idea $Q DON’T GO INTO HIDING THERE’S NO NEED FOR DISGUISE EVEN SOME POTATOES HAVE GOT NICE EYES P'm telling you, Feathers OUT THERE SOMEONE’S GONNA LOVE YER SOMEONE'S GONNA LOVE YER WARTS AND ALL Now you're croaking my language! OUT THERE JN A MUDDY PUDDLE SOMEONE NEEDS A CUDDLE THOUGH THE CHANCE IS SMALL IT’S TRUE! JUST THINK WHENEVER YOU NEED BOOSTING ONE DAY YOU'LL BE ROOSTING WITH A MATE! THOUGH IT MAY TAKE SOME TIME TO FIND ’EM WHEN YOU DO YOU'LL HAVE A BALL *COS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE SOMEONE'S GONNA LOVE YER WARTS AND ALL78 HONK! wire Act Two | The younger members of the COMPANY, dressed as FROGLETS, are revealed. BULLFROG: Tell him, kids! FROGLETS: SOMEWHERE OUT THERE WE DON’T KNOW WHERE SOMEONE WILL CARE THEY’RE GONNA LOVE YER WARTS AND ALL! SOMEWHERE OUT THERE WE CAN’T SAY WHERE BUT SOMEONE IS GONNA FALL FOR YOU BULLFROG: THOUGHI’M TYRANNOSAURUS REXY SOME WILL FIND ME SEXY IN MY WAY FROGLETS: THEY'LL FIND YOU SEXY BULLFROG/ UGLY: THOUGH IT MAY TAKE SOME TIME TO FIND "EM WHEN YOU DO YOU'LL HAVE A BALL FROGLETS: WE KNOW YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A BALL ALL: *COS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE SOMEONE’S GONNA LOVE YER The rest of the COMPANY, also dressed as FROGLETS, enter. COMPANY: SOMEONE'S GONNA LOVE YER BULLFROG/ UGLY/MEN: | OUT THERE SOMEONE’S GONNA LOVE YER. SOMEONE’S GONNA LOVE YER WARTS AND ALL OUT THERE IN A MUDDY PUDDLE SOMEONE NEEDS A CUDDLETwo-time HONK! 79 E (BULLFROG/ UGLY/MEN:) | THOUGH THE CHANCE IS SMALL IT’S TRUE FROGLETS/ WOMEN: SOMEWHERE OUT THERE WE DON’T KNOW WHERE SOMEONE WILL CARE ‘THEY'RE GONNA LOVE YER WARTS AND ALL SOMEWHERE OUT THERE WE CAN'T SAY WHERE OR WHEN THOUGH ‘THE CHANCE IS SMALL IT’S TRUE BULLFROG: JUST THINK WHENEVER YOU NEED BOOSTING ONE DAY YOU'LL BE ROOSTING WITH A MATE! UGLY: SOON I'LL BE ROOSTING WITH A MATE! FROGLETS/ WOMEN: SOON YOU'LL BE ROOSTING BULLFROG/ UGLY/MEN: THOUGH IT MAY TAKE SOME TIME TO FIND 'EM WHEN YOU DO YOU'LL HAVE A BALL FROGLETS/ WOMEN: WE KNOW YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A BALL, BALL, BALL, BALL, BALL COMPANY: — °COS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE SOMEONE’S GONNA LOVE YER SOLO FROGLET:; | OUT THERE SOMEWHERE SOMEONE'S GONNA LOVE YER COMPANY: | OUT THERE SOMEWHERE SOMEONE’S GONNA LOVE YER WARTS AND ALL80 HONK! Uren Act Two (COMPANY:) WARTS AND ALL WARTS AND ALL Music No. 17A WARTS OFF (Instrumental) The FROGLETS disperse. BULLFROG: — Must hop, I'll be seeing yer, Feathers. And remember, one day it-will be us who are the flavor of the month - oops, what am I saying? UGLY: Good-bye, and if you ever find yourself near the duckyard do call in, I'd love you to meet my family. BULLFROG: Well I hope you find ’em all right. Stay warm, stay cheerful. See yer. Ribbit, ribbit. Music No. 17B POST-WARTS (Instrumental) The BULLFROG hops off again. Music stops. UGLY looks about him, not sure which way to turn, It is getting dark. Suddenly a bright torch beam shines onto him. He stares transfixed in its beam. FARMER'S VOICE: ‘Well what have we here? A nice plump little duckling. A net drops over UGLY. Gotcha, my beauty. UGLY: Honk, honk, honk. FARMER’S VOICE: It’s no good you struggling and honking. I’ve got a family to feed and you'll make a fine Sunday roast. UGLY: Honk! Honk!E Act Two. vscesice HONK! 81 FARMER’S VOICE: Now, where’s my knife? Phew, it’s colder than a penguin’s picnic out here tonight. Darn, I must've left it in my car. . We hear the FARMER’ footsteps retreating in the mud. The CAT suddenly pops up from nowhere and sees UGLY in the net. CAT: Hello, Ducky. I see the macramé classes paid off. UGLY: You again. How did you find me? CAT: Oh, a little bird told me. UGLY: ‘Well you're too late. I’m going to be eaten by the people. CAT: Tsk. Such a waste. UGLY: Even if you helped me to escape you'd only eat me your- self. CAT: True. UGLY: Well you're not going to get me. A car door slams shut. Ob, no. He’s coming back. CAT: Now listen, Ducky. Ihave what I think you will agree is a very tempting proposition - which might just satisfy us both. UGLY: Well, I don’t like oranges if that's part of the plan. CAT: Look, if you come with me I will take you back to the farm and you will get to see your mother . . . for one last time.82 HONK! twee Act Tw UGLY: Either way Iget eaten, right? CAT: Well, you can’t have it both ways, We bear approaching footsteps. Quick. Make up your mind. UGLY: All right, you're on. The CAT quickly slashes the net with bis claves. CAT: ‘And don’t try any funny business. Remember, this way at least you get to see your mother again. Music No. 18 THE BLIZZARD (Company) The two hurry off as the light beam returns and shines onto the empty net. FARMER'S VOICE: Well curdle the cream on my cornflakes - he’s escaped! Scene Five The CAT lead UGLY away. It is bitterly cold outside, and ds the scene progresses it begins to snow heavily. All members of the COMPANY form a ‘Greek. chorus’ while we see UGLY, the CAT and IDA struggling through the snow. FEMALE SOLO: THE SUN IS COLD AND WATERY ‘THE PONDS ARE DEEPLY FROZEN OF ALL THE TIMES FOR TRAVELLING TI'S NOT WHEN WE'D HAVE CHOSEN UGLY: ‘Are you sure you know your way back to the duckyard? ‘We seem to be going round in circles. CAT: Shut up. I's this snow. Jt makes everything look the same.HONK! 83 THE SKIES ARE GREY AND MENACING A BLIZZARD WOULD SEEM CERTAIN AND EVEN GOOD KING WENCESLAS WOULD NOT DRAW BACK HIS CURTAIN The blizzard reaches a climax in an instrumental, during which we see UGLY and the CAT struggling through the snow. We also see IDA struggling - but unable ta see UGLY - through the blizzard, despite passing right beside bim. All three shout above the music. UGLY: Ican’t see beyond the end of my beak! CAT: Keep going, it must be close now. IDA: Hello? Are you out there? Is anybody our there? The storm continues to howl. CHORUS: sarcastically) THE WEATHER’S TURNED OUT NICE AGAIN BUT SADLY FOR OUR HERO THE WIND CHILL FACTOR TENDS TO KEEP THE TEMPERATURE SUB-ZERO + CAT/ UGLY: THE BITING COLD THE SWIRLING SNOW IT’S HARD TO CATCH A BREATH CHORUS: AND THOUGH WE HATE TO SAY THE WORD THEY’RE FACING CERTAIN84 HONK! sree Act Two 7 (CHORUS:) FACING CERTAIN FACING CERTAIN... As the storm blows over we are left with UGLY and the CAT completely buried beneath a huge snow drift - discernible only. as two lumps in the snow, and IDA, tho has collapsed on the surface of the snotwy ground. SOLO MALE/ FEMALE: THE WIND HAS BLOWN THE SNOW IN DRIFTS TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS SOLO MALE: IT MAY LOOK GOOD FOR CHRISTMAS CARDS ALL: BUT NOT FOR CATS AND BIRDS Music No. 19 TRANSFORMATION (Ugly, Ida, Penny) The snow on the ground begins to melt. IDA stirs and gets to her feet, brushing the snow from her body. As the snow melts she notices two large ‘snowmen’ in the positions where we last saw the CAT and UGLY. IDA realizes she is too late to save her son and approaches his icy grave. IDA: (very quietly) Honey? ... Ob, no... My baby! She breaks down as she frantically tries to scrabble at the snow that surrounds UGLY. It is to no avail. She sinks to her knees sobbing. No, not like this. Not after all this time. You poor litde thing. What was it all for? What was the point of your little life? Te can’t end like this. It can’t... Unbeknownst to IDA, FATHER SWAN, MOTHER SWAN and BEWICK have entered bebind her, accompanied by PENNY. FATHER SWAN: Nor will it, my dear.4 pauses as she acknowledges the presence of the SWANS. But he’s dead. My baby is dead. It's all my fault. He wandered away trom the nest last spring. I should have gone after him, but I had his brothers and sisters to rear, I couldn't just leave them, And now, now Pm too late. MOTHER SWAN puts her wing around IDA. MOTHER SWAN: Cry. Cry, my dear. For the warmth of a mother’s tears can thaw the stoniest frost. IDA: Oh, if only T could believe that. BEWICK: ‘You must. For what do we have if we don’t have hope? IDA falls to the ground and weeps on the snow that covers UGLY. She terns atway feeling it has been useless. Bebind her, very slowly, we sce some tentative move. ments in the UGLY snowman’ The snow begins to fall away from UGLY. Eventually he is revealed as a beautiful swan. IDA has not yet seen this. UGLY sees bis reflection in the melting snow water, UGLY: Pm... 'm nota duck, I'm not a duck. Pm a swan! | As the music soars UGLY proudly displays his new plumage. Honk! Suddenly UGLY sees IDA. Mama! They face one another in silence. UGLY/ IDA: JUST KNOWING YOU WERE OUT THERE HELPED ME TO GET BY AND NOW WE’RE REUNITED ICAN HOLD MY HEAD UP HIGH UGLY and IDA embrace. From behind the other three SWANS, PENNY pushes her way forward.86 HONK! Usraice Act Ted, PENNY: Is him! It’s him, father. The cygnet I told you about, the one who saved my life. (To UGLY) Do you remember me? (Pause) Oh, come on, say you remember me! UGLY: (byly} Of © . . of course I remember you. How could I forget you? You're the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. PENNY: Well, you should take a look at your own reflection. I'VE SEEN RAINBOWS REACHING SKYWARD PASS BETWEEN THE CLOUDS ‘THEN FADE FROM VIEW I THOUGHT I KNEW WHAT BEAUTIFUL WAS BUT NOW I'VE SEEN YOU PENNY/ UGLY: AND THOUGH I'VE SEEN THE WILLOWS WEEPING BRANCHES THE MISTY MORNING AIR A CLEAR AND ST, ‘YY NIGHT HAS NOTHING TO COMPARE WITH YOU UGLY: And you knew? You knew I was a swan. PENNY: Of course I did. That’s why I asked you to come with us, if only your wings had been strong enough. FATHER SWAN: Well, now you can come with us and learn our ways. UGLY: And my mother? Can she come too? IDA: Of course I can’t. I’m just a baggy old duck, I can’t teach you the ways of the swans. UGLY: But you taught me to swim?Tw0-usresion IDA: UGLY: HONK! 87 And from what I remember that nearly finished me off - it’s hardly surprising really, fancy me teaching a swan to swim. But I want you to come. I can’t come with you, my place is back on the lake with your father, bless him, They say birds of a feather should flock together and your place is with the swans now - and I think I know someone who's rather keen that you should go with them, IDA looks knowingly towards PENNY. UGLY: MOTHER SWAN: IDA: But I’ve only just found you. Pm not sure I want to leave you again so soon, Of course you do. Now go on, before I get all tearful and unnecessary - bur you make sure you come back and visit us all im the duckyard. (To the female SWAN) Look after him for me, won't you? Good-bye, my dear. This must be very hard for you but I promise he'll be safe with us, Tm sure he will. (She gives UGLY a final hug) Well, go on then! Let’s see you fly. IDA watches UGLY and the SWANS leave - out of sight of the audience, IDA continues to shout encouragement. Go on you can do it! Take a run at it! That’s the way! IDA daps UGLY’s successful take-off and watches the SWANS fly off. She follows them with her eyes and waves to UGLY. HE WAS DIFFERENT HE WAS DIFFERENT FROM THE REST(IDA:) OF COURSE HE CAN’T BELONG WITH ME I KNOW, ISHOULD HAVE GUESSED HE WASN'T MINE TO MOTHER HE WASN'T MINE TO REAR ANOTHER DREAM GETS WASHED AWAY ANOTHER DREAM ANOTHER MOTHER'S TEAR IDA continues to follow the SWAN’s flight path with her eyes. As they fly, in the distance, across the sun - seen by the audience - IDA looks puzaled. She counts the Alying SWANS. One, two, three... ! At that moment UGLY and PENNY reappear behind IDA. UGLY: Honk! (Music stops) You didn't really think Vd leave you behind? IDA: Ob, but you must. You must think about yourself now, It’s your life and you belong with the swans UGLY: But why? I don’t care whose egg I came out of - you are my mother, you raised me and that’s whar counts. IDA: ‘Well... UGLY: Ie takes all sorts to make a world, and you said yourself that the duckyard would be boring if we all looked the same, so, I've decided to come back with you - to be different. PENNY: We are both coming back. UGLY: To be the first swans on the lake, I've been different all my life. Twas different as a duckling and now I'll be just as different as a swan. I like being me. I like my honk. I like being different!You are certainly that. (LDA hugs them both) I'm so proud of you. Well, come on then what are we waiting for? I can’t wait to see Drake’s reaction. I think he might Jay an egg and what that might turn into doesn’t bear thinking about. WDA makes to leave. UGLY holds hack. GLY: Wait a minute! Music No. 194 MELTING MOGGY (Car) I've just got a little unfinished business. UGLY goes over to the frozen ‘snowman’ which still contains the CAT. UGLY. taps the ice which drops away to reveal the CAT. CAT: Hello Du... De... Du... Swanny? Swanny? (4 la Jolson) Swanee (hysterical laugh) How Love yer, how I love yer... YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOUR DUCK UNTIL YOU GOOSE IT YOU CAN CHICKEN YOUR SWAN UNTIL YOU GROUSE TOGETHER WE COULD FRICASSEE YOUR MOTHER IT’S ACRAZYLI... IT’S A CRAZYLI... IT’S A CRAZY LI... THE WEATHER’S TURNED OUT NICE AGAIN IT’S A CRAZY LITTLE GAME CALLED ... I quit! I give up! I surrender! I've been working too hard... ‘Take me to the Betty Fur Clinic... .Aaaarrrgh! The CAT runs out screaming. The happy trio laugh together as the set dramatically transforms around them to the duckyard.90 HONK! Usreice-Act Two, e Six The inhabitants of the duiceyard, led by the now older looking DUCKLINGS. rush Forward to greet the returning heroes with yells of delight. Music No. 20 ACT TWO FINALE: LOOK AT HIM (Reprise) (Company) DRAKE/ MAUREEN/ GRACE/ DUCKLINGS: Harrah! Etc) LOOK ATHIM DID YOU EVER SEE A FINER BIRD UGLY: Honk! DRAKE/ MAUREEN/ GRACE/ DUCKLINGS: HARK AT HIM “COS HIS HONKING IS THE BEST WE'VE HEARD WE ARE FEELING RATHER SMALL IN THIS WHOLE SHEBANG MAYBE YOU'LL FORGIVE US ALL AND WE HOPE WITH ENOUGH SOFT SOAP LEAD OUR GANG? UGLY: Of course I forgive you. I'm just happy to see you all again. And to introduce you to someone. This is Penny. PENNY: Hello. DRAKE: (lecherously} Hello, Penny! GRACE pushes her way to the frontHONK! 91 Welcome home, my dear. I've been thinking, I'm getting very Jong in the bill and I feel the time is right for me to relinquish the Red Band... yplanse from the assembled poultry, started by MAUREEN. Wear it with pride, my dear, for you are indeed the’ finest bird on the take - as know I was in my day More applause from MAUREEN, who suddenly realizes that she is clapping alone And let it be known that, from this day forth, the Red Band shall be known as the Cygnet Ring! GRACE/ MAUREEN/ IDA/ DUCKLINGS/ DRAKE: LOOK AT HIM, LOOK AT US, SEE THE DIFFERENCE WHY DID WE EVER THINK HIM A DUD? DRAKE: IALWAYS KNEW THAT MY FAMILY WAS BLESSED WITH ROYAL BLOOD! Looks are exchanged between IDA and DRAKE. The TURKEY runs into the clearing in a state of great excitement. TURKEY: Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. ALL: Whar! TURKEY: Imade it through Thanksgiving!"! ALL: LOOK AT HIM ALL THE SPLENDOUR OF A NOBLE SWAN DUCKLINGS: LOOK AT HIM92 HONK! Usveso Act Two. tee Act Trg (DUCKLINGS:) AND WE’VE GOT HIM AS A BROTHER ALL: LOOK AT HIM FROM A DUCKLING TO A PARAGON, DUCKLINGS LOOK ATHIM WE WON'T SWAP HIM FOR ANOTHER ALL: 1 NOW THAT YOU'RE BACK ON THE LAKE GRACE: YOU'RE BACK ON THE LAKE ALL: [moms YOU WON'T LEAVE GRACE: PROMISE YOU WON'T LEAVE ALL: YOUR EXAMPLE’S THERE TO TAKE JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF DON’? BE LEFT ON THE SHELF FEELING THAT ALL HOPE IS DEAD AND GONE AND YOU MAY FIND IN YOUR OWN WAY YOU'RE A SWAN Honk! THEEND Music No. 21 CURTAIN CALLS (ascrumental) Music No. 21A “RED ARROWS” BOWS MUSIC (Optional Instrumental)P Act Two tse HONE! 93 — ~ BULLFROG/ MEN: MEN: WOMEN/ KIDS: UGLY: WOMEN/ KIDS: Music No. 21A WARTS AND ALL (Reprise) (Company) OUT THERE SOMEONE’S GONNA LOVE YER SOMEONE'S GONNA LOVE YER WARTS AND ALL OUT THERE IN A MUDDY PUDDLE SOMEONE NEEDS A CUDDLE THOUGH THE CHANCE IS SMALL IT’S TRUE SOMEWHERE OUT THERE WE DON’T KNOW WHERE SOMEONE WILL CARE THEY'RE GONNA LOVE YER WARTS AND ALL SOMEWHERE OUT THERE WE CAN’T SAY WHERE OR WHEN THOUGH THE CHANCE Is SMALL, IT’S TRUE JUST THINK WHENEVER YOU NEED BOOSTING ONE DAY YOU'LL BE ROOSTING WITH A MATE! SOONTLL BE ROOSTING WITH A MATE! SOON YOU'LL BE ROOSTING BULLFROG/ UGLY/MEN: THOUGHIT MAY TAKE SOME TIME WOMEN/ RIDs: TO FIND ‘EM WHEN YOU DO YOU'LL HAVE A BALL WE KNOW YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A BALL, BALL, BALL, BALL, BALL94 As music goes half tempo the COMPANY bow. ALL: HONK! Us vein Act Two OUT THERE SOMEWHERE SOMEONE’S GONNA LOVE YER WARTS AND ALL WARTS AND ALL WARTS AND ALL [Music No. 218 PLAY-OUT (instrumental) Ya Play-Out is required, then please reprise No. 21 Bows Music]