IKEEP COOL FREE AIR CONDITIONER IN THIS ISSUE 2REACH FOR THE TELEPHONE You'll find it delightfully convenient when loved ones call you. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, day or night—the tinkle of the telephone will bring a little joy and pleasure into your life. “DON'T CALL US—WE'LL CALL YOU!” BULL TELEPHONE SYSTEMy. \ No, 28 ‘SEPT, 1982 : DIS-CONTENTS: EDITOR and PUBLISHER: Robert C, Sproul Production: Charles Foster in, LePoer, Bill McCartney Ivan Golownjew, George Il Ward, John Powers "MODERN PRODUCTS FOR MODERN Iba Ee estan ee ‘Today's Indian Trader has. CONTENTS MODERN PRODUCTS FOR MODERN INDIANS.. ‘A new market for new wamaum. SCHOOL FOR MONSTERS... Guaranteed to chill you to the bone, THE GRADUAL CHANGE IN MEN'S FASHIONS cmerromnwe 15 Do clothes make the man? CASEY AT THE CLINIC. Is there a Doctor in the house? NOT-SO-WELL-KNOWN TRADE MARKS.eemewwenemrnneere 23 ‘Smith Bros. please take note, COLLEGE COLORING BOOK snenncprernemrernrrnnrmee 25 ‘An eight page bonus. . AXIS. SALLIES... Or how we aimost los ART LessoN—___________ ga You too can be cultured! seecneneneenevennens 1 Tw. scHook____ as (ED GUIDE TO HAND ‘A far cry from the old red schoolhouse, ee | AUTOBIOGRAPHIES BY THE MAN ON THE STREET. 40 | Now you ean'turn off your = For the man who has nothing. shearing aid and stitt be ‘able ‘to, underst ‘theyre saying & tide. ‘A CRACKED GUIDE TO HAND LANGUAGE. a ‘A handy handbook for conversationalists, LANDS OF ROMANCE as ‘A CRACKED view of beauty. HORROR HOUSE... ‘A real thriller. |LETTERS Cracked is a superb collection of un- excelled rhetoric ‘and your artists are onncisseurs in the realm of graphic presentati FRED GILBERT LOS ANGELES, CALIF. ED: You dont have to get nasty about | am proud to say that 1 have read every issue of Cracked that you have Published. I have a complete file of very issue, We have a°small Cracked Fan Club and would like an autograph fd pisture of Sylvester P. Smythe for ‘our elubroom, JOHN DOOLIE ‘TREASURE ISLAND, FLA, ED: We will have portraits of Sylvester available soon. Watch for announces ment in the next issue, This is the umpteenth time that 1 have written to you. Please print my letter, THOVAS DOWNS SIDNEY, AUSTRALIA ED: Sony, we don't have room. What's with you guys? You show President Kennedy in a. sweater with a Yale letter on it. Don't you clods now he's a Harvard man? ‘BOE. CASSIDY CAMBRIDGE, MASS, EDs Just wanted to see if you were paying attention, SSUES TSS 45 west Get 'Em While They Lost Yes, back issues of CRACKED magazine are going fast down the drain unless we can get rid of theml So fill cut the atfached coupon and get ‘em while they are still available! Deat Cracked Ones: 1 think it was rotten of you elods to pput your extra added atiraction and your extra special bonus on the seme leaf. July issue), How do you expect Us to use one without cutting up the other? BRUCE JANKE DETROHT, MICHIGAN ED: Easy! Buy two copies, aA R BR at iB xz fis KM RRR E KR RE B RMA KA 22 Fae & = iy R Hy wR R & " g ONS ke MS ROS SEE RAND ERRANDS Bee] RSE hh Be Se he We SR s RYAaASEL SSS ENE i ED: Same to you, fellal Anyone who has nothing better to do than write letters to Cracked Is a nut, “JACK SELIG BKLYN, NEW YORK ED: You know, you're right. CRACKED NEW YORK 36, N. Y. I enclosenus Please sond me Back Issues | have checked at 50c each NNO, hana NO. 22m NO: 2B No. 24 NAME venience ADDRESS, CIT YonaTried to do the Twist as per your in struction and ended up with @ bad back. What do Ido now? PAT DOUGHERTY MANSFIELD, OHIO ED: You hurt. {loved your Chinese Book Cover. 1 gut it out and put it on my Latin book ‘cause | dig it as much as | do Latin, By the way, whet does it say? Please translate, BEVERLY HILL MIDDLEPORT, NEW YORK ED: Inte Latin? Your magazine hurts but 1 do enjoy reading it. ‘A/2C R._D, STINSON US. AIR FORCE AP.O. 153, NEW YORK, N. Ye ED: It's like hitting yourselt over the head with a hammer. Feel’s good when ‘you stop. In your article “Photos That Have Been Cropped” (July), you had a pice ture of "Admiral Gooteh In this man's Navy, a four striper is a Captain, not an Admiral. ROY H._ SKELTON FLEET ‘SONAR SCHOOL, KEY WEST, FLORIDA ED: Our apologies to the entire United States Navy. Your article “If Different, Cartoonists had Painted the Mona Lisa” was one of the funniest you've ever done, Let's see more of that kind of stuff H. L. FREDERICKSON HIGGANUM, CONN. see “Axis Sallis” this issue. i ES Me ee tiaahg COMPLETELY Cc RACKED Just released ! Aswere the writers, COMs PLETELY CRACKED was just released. Following the two best sellers, THE CRACKED READER and MORE CRACKEI this pocket size edition is sure to be a success, providing you buy it. CRACKED 45 WEST 45TH STREET, N.Y.C. enclose 40c e2, Please rush pocket [CLCOMPLETELY cRackeD [I] MORE CRACKED [CJ CRACKED READERPERMA Srescychetcrsrerapetnate et 1 longer works. The Indian is much mere to the oll on his reservation—much rleher. He le expect to de heap much DEAR anting i tn eat fs momber of busines commniy realize the polenta prof nthe leralive Indian market they will caler more and more te his specific tastes and whims. Cracked predicts that in the net foo distant future you'll he sooing products Tike the following... MODERN PRODUCTS FOR MODERN REDSKINS EMA EA LAS,Luxury-type fepee with he Pile et words of ev ary-type tepee with heap Pole that wards off a bot end cold runaing waters Spirits the sclentife way. Juke box for tribal dances, features rain dance, war dance and twist dance records. QUKE WéTH COIN RETURN FoR INDIAN GIVERS 1!‘the most important Y4 yard in peace pipe smoking iS ; ‘Tribal confer le with simulated camp fire In the middle, ‘Suggest wo put tribal of money in blie chip stockEVENTUALLY EVEN THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY WILL TURN DUCTS WITH THE INDIAN MARKET IN MIND, "Enough white shin ite tho dun ths SEE HOW A BAND .OF OUT- ‘one to satisfy even Geronimo” NUMBERED BUT.DETERMINED KICKAPOO COURIER BAND. OF BLACKFEET BRA\ "A four arrow pleture™ ‘SIOUX SENTINEL METRO GOLDWYN MOHICAN PRESENTS, We THE PALEFACE TERROR STARRING RODNEY WALK ON THE WILD [Not Recommended For Papooret ‘AUDREY ‘COME.ON-TO-MY-TENT TELEVISION THE LONE INDIAN Rides again tonight Who Is this masked Indian Who shoots only silver arrows GRAZY HORSE No. 57 CHIEF CRAZY HORSE WAS AN EXCEL. LENT WARRIOR AND A REAL RED. BLOODED AMERICAN, HIS RECORD OF 123 SCALPS 1S AN ALL-TIME HIGH FOR SIOUX BRAVES. HE ALSO HAD THE DISTINCTION OF = BEING AN EXCELLENT TRADER—HE The masked Indi- * ONCE SULAINED $ OUARIS OF GIN an. accomperied FOR NORTH DAKOTA, thal Brought te you by the makers of TIPL \ cigarettes f coPyRIGHT® paleface sideick PRINTED IN USA ‘*Houndu is a Good paleface. (FORMERLY SiOUX TERRITORY)GYAN MCh let eh MO LEAT OL FLOODED WITH MONSTERS? EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK THEY'RE PRESENT IN CONSTANTLY INCREASING NUMBERS — IN MOTION. PICTURES, TV BCA ay 0 cae CTS oR Coe MCL tL Cem ol a evel ol ee Ng THESE MONSTERS. WELL, AFTER MUCH MIDNITE SLEUTHING WE CAME PDO Wrath aaa ae SCHOOL Pes MONSTERSFACULTY MEMBERS & COURSES AT THE VAMPIRE & MONSTER INSTITUTE PILZ, 2 5 : Be as VAMPIRE DEPT. q Fangman conducting a cla ‘of Nourishment. Other departmental courses includes Blood Types fer the Gourm What fo do about Coffin Claustrophobia First Aid against Stake Wounds MUMMY DEFT. Hl Professor Rama Lama conducting a class on Personal Professor Shaggymain giving @ practical demonstration Hygiene for Mummies, Other courses incl inhis class on Fun & Profit in Werewolfism. Other courses Elomentary Tomple Protecting—(Frightening off Robber jew to keep from being Overcharged at the Ba latermediate Temple Proteoting—(Frightoning off Care of the Haie (with particular emphasis pl Arch lurter) al on theon ‘Advanced Tamplo Protecting —{Prightering of Fuk What te de on Moonloss Nights ‘Tanna Leaf Tea Recipes ler Brushmen) Werewolf majors are advised to minor in the Monster Dep. a ‘Adjusting to Museum LifeWIICHCRAFT DEPT. trating the Art of Flying Sidesaddle, entitled The Art of Avoiding Broom Splinters). Other courses inclu ‘The Power of Negative Thinking ‘Charme for Acquis Charms for Losing Husbands FLY DEFT Professor lelspek and stud ne, Courses in the Dept How to Be a Fly-By-Ni How to Keep from Flying of Scourge of Flydom—DDT How fo clean Footprints off the Ceiling Rowe Bargein with Grave Diggers The Art of Refrigerating Body Parts BLACK MAGIC DEPT. - Mumbejumbo nical equipment in his field, The Wit Fee Splitting with Voodoo SfDr Wom lendly Dr. Wombat ith students none eye. yy cut for class-cutters, and a cut up for cutupss Roomy Dormitarios A faculty member explei @ AM, dawn curfew to incoming freshmen. - aS Employment Bureau School Lunchroom The school's expertly staffed employment bureau assures ‘The culinary staff uses only tho choicest ingredients for graduates thet they wont have fo pound the graveyards if appetining recipes, potions and brews. feoking for work. aEXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES AT V.M.I. Students relaxing on the Institute's scente campus grounds. Friendly students spending a fun-filled nite doing the 5 the school’s annual Miss Hex Appe‘Through the ages female fashions have changed with Incredible speed. A woman would buy a dress one day and the following morning i be out of style. It seems men’s apparel has gone through change also, but at a slower rate. Only recently has the male really asserted himself in fashion, 1645 n’s apparel continues to gain momentun d products would all show the effects of the women’s industry. eT et el URES‘TAKE FOR EXAMPLE MEN'S SHOES: \ HAIR STYLES WILL ALTER GREATLY hs MEIN AS MANY VA- HATS WILL C RIETIES AS WOMEN HAVE TODAYDOES HE OR DON'T HE? Only His Barber Knows For Sure Hair color s0 natural your best friends won't know, W's sean. Takes only i i IAIROL like @ woman responds to evans it, handsome men. ‘YOUR BARBER WILL TELL YOU A MAN'S BEST FRIEND |S MISTER CHAIROL CREME HAIR LIGHTENER HANDSOME HAIR. LEC K There are three Bleck Shampoos for three differ- nt hair condtons Black shampoofor thn Ps joy handsome more dapper heir.MEN'S FASHION AD ILLUSTRATIONS WILL SHIFTWe noticed a striking recemblence between the new T.Y. neurosurgeon, Ben Caney, and the star of Ernest Lawrence Thayer's poem, Casey At The Bat. Not only are the names the same but it seems that audiences regard dedicated Dr. Casey's operations with as much enthusiasm and vigor as the baseball fans watch« ed hatter Casey in the poem. We now show you our illustrated version of the poem with slight variations, We call it... Youd GET. No A OLA YPOPS INTERNING 18 WHAT DID, WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO LBW AYERS?A straggling few tumed off their sets, Jeaving there the rest, ‘With that hope which springs eternal within the human breast. For they thought: "If only Casey could get a chance to see,” ‘Thoy'd put even money now, with Casey in surgery. But Zorba was away, to the wonderment of all And the much-despised Black, was on. ‘another call ‘So when this was discovered, and they saw what had occurred, ‘There was only one man who could have this patient cured, It looked extremely shaky for the Hospital staff that dawn: Ten emergencies were over, with on operation lelt to perform. ‘So, when Cooney was off duty, and Burrows hadn't experience, A pallor wreathed the features of the T.V. erudionce. But Zorba preceded Casey and likewise ‘90 did Black And the former was a pudd'n and the latter was a quack, So on that stricken audience a deathlike silence soared; For there seemed but little chance of Casey's getting to the ward. ‘Then from the gladdened multitude went up a joyous yell ‘rumbled in the mountaintops, it rattled in the dell; Itstruck upon the hillside and rebounded. on the cabl For Casoy, mighty Casey, was ‘advancing to the table.‘There was ease in Casey's manner as he stopped into his place, ‘There was pride in Casey's bearing ond ersmile on Casey's face; And when responding to the cameras he lightly dotted his mask, No stranger in the crowd could doubt “twas Casey at the task, Ten milion eyes wero on him css he scrubbed his hands with soap Five million tongues qpplauded when hho wiped them on his coat ‘Then. when the withing patient ground ‘his hand inte his hip,. ‘Detionce glanced in Casey's eye, canoer curled Casey's lip. And thon « silvor plated seclpel come Ihurlling through the air, And Cosy stood a-waiching it in haughty grandeur there, Clone by the sturdy surgeon the Kaile unheeded sped: “That ain't my style,” soid Coney “Sponge ono,” the orderly acid, From homes throughout the country, ‘wont up ¢ mutiled roar, ‘Like the beating of the storm waves on the stern and distant shore, “Bill her! Idll the nursel” shouted on inter on the stand; x ‘And iff likely they'd have killed her had ‘not Casey raised his hand, ‘With a smile of Chrstiom charity great Casey's visage shone: ‘He siilled the rising tumult, he made ther cll go on: He signaled to the nurse, and once more the scalpel Hew: ‘But Casey stil gnored it, ond the openly acid, "Sponge two.”“Inelfici " cried the maddened mil- ons, and the interns started a riot But one scornful look from Casey and the cudience was quiet; ‘They saw his face grow stern and cold, they sow his muscles strain, And they kmew that Casey wouldn't lot the R.N. fail again. The sneer is gone from Casey's lips, his hand is out once more, ‘He stamps with cruel vengeance his foot holds the scalpel, with precision nd now the air is shattered by the force of Casey's incision, (Oh; somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright, ‘The band is playing somewhere, and. somewhere hearts are light; And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout, But there is no joy at General— MIGHTY CASEY HAS PASSEDch GIVE US THE JOB, AND YOU CAN ‘START ORDERING FLOWERS FOR THE FINK'S FUNERAL. DUTCH MATRIMONIAL BUREAU WOULD YOU LIKE TO MARRY A GOOD OLD FASHIONED HAUSFRAU? SEND FOR OUR FREE CATALOG BUT PLEASE DON'T ASK US FOR PHOTOS ‘OF THESE HOMELY GIRLS. ‘CLOCKER JOE'S TIP SHEET SERVICE (OUR SELECTIONS FLY LIKE THE WIND +, AND SO WILL YOUR MONEY IF BONUS INSERT a3 Pama) PO aL Ze) STN aU ee Cc COLORING BOOK ‘YOU SUBSCRIBE TO OUR SERVICE, DUTCH SCHULTZ MOUTHPIECES INC. ‘SPECIALISTS IN LEGAL WHITE-WASH ROCK'N'ROLL RECORD MANUFACTURERS ASSOCIATION OUR RECORDS ARE AS SOLID AS OUR JOBS, REMEMBER WHEN IN DUTCH. ‘SYMBOL AND TWICE AS ROCKY, CALL “DUTCH.” BEAU BRUMMEL UMPIRE SERVICE WE CAN'T VOUCH FOR THE VISION (OF OUR UMPIRES, BUT WE DO GUAR ANTEE THAT THEY ARE THE BEST DRESSED ARSITERS IN THE GAME. GESUNDHEIT BROS, FALSE BEARDS CO, "WE SPECIALIZE IN FALSE BEARDS FOR PRIVATE EYES, BEATNIKS, AND ASPIRe ING SING-ALONG MAESTROS, JOIN NOW AND SEE IF YOU CAN HOLD YOUR OWN WITH THE BEST OF THEM, *‘ebu0s0‘OBEN FRONT MITT VILLY UND HANS (while rummaging throughout the i Sar conpales seme lable bse It seems that during World War Il, ene wore fiondishly al work irying fo match the storing efforts of our own American varloonists. How close the Alias came to fsng the war can ea be eel by examining these specimens of « vas MY fur fo toe care of the pveneril” AXIS SALLIES HONORABLE PRIVATE BEETLE SUKIYAKI Honorable Sgt, ft : oa [And don't | make request franfer : don't give you Ee Am very OFFAIMITS Geisha fromyourcompanyt iOiminute tea breek E grateful House,” ON-LIMITS ae every hour? uf fee welt Ea ; ‘ _TRANSFER?? Ses oF ONAL cWY SADA ISAK AN “VINO RATIONO” auteaeaoay | Seceate Magsions te a Se roeblnwray telat Wisnate Sade elee Yess sam shee i Bacau, onarable Spt, Vnally grateful, you one big heavy siok [honorable Sgt, 5 atl7 7 All your naw-Aryan Did you really think tno match for one ree would betray the things d-blooded fay | believe in s ‘And de you brow wh ain I'm going to do fo you, Yankee Ledy? of you, beg — lisbehent . Nest week: Hauptmann Kaynein again matches wits wth enemies f the Third ich. ;IN A FOOLISH ATTEMPT TO RAISE THE DROOPING BROWS OF OUR READERS AND ADD A TOUCH OF. “CULTURE® TO THESE MERRY PAGES, CRACKED HAS INVADED THE WORLD OF ART! OUR EDUCATIONAL STAFF HAS ACTUALLY BEEN POKING AROUND IN MUSEUMS AND GALLERIES! THE RESULT OF ALL THIS WORK. IS PRESENTED HERE IN VERY HIGHBROW, HIGHLY LOW-BROW, CULTURAL TYPE, CRACKED IN PREVIOUS CENTURIES, PAINTERS PAINTED PAINT- INGS THAT LOOKED’ LIKE PAINTINGS, EMPHASIS WAS ON REALISM.. q NOTE, IN THIS EARLY MASTERPIECE, THAT PEO- PLE LOOK LIKE PEOPLE, TREES LOOK LIKE TREES, AND HORSES LOOK LIKE HORSES. RAS . : ADVENT OF TWENTIETH CENTURY SURREALISM WENT ONE STEP FURTHER, BROUGHT BIRTH OF CUBIST PAINTING. NOTE, IN THIS SURREALIST WORK, THAT NOTE, IN THIS CUBIST WORK, THAT PEO- PEOPLE LOOK LIKE TREES, TREES LOOK PLE DON'T LOOK LIKE PEOPLE, TREES LIKE PEOPLE, AND HORSES LOOK LIKE DON'T LOOK LIKE TREES, AND HORSES MR. AND MRS. ARNOLD J. FLANSTAMM DON'T LOOK LIKE HORSES. OF TEANECK, NEW JERSEY,. 22TO SAVE CANVAS, OLD MASTERS “OFTEN PAINTED OVER EARLY PIC- TURES. HERE, ARTISAN USES PAINT REMOVER ON FOUR-MASTED SCHOONER, AND UNCOVERS A LANDSCAPE. ARTISAN APPLIES PAINT REMOVER TO LANDSCAPE AND UNCOVERS SCENE OF VILLAGE SQUARE. REMOVAL OF VILLAGE SQUARE SCENE UNCOVERS PORTRAIT OF EL- DERLY PATRON. REMOVAL OF PORTRAIT OF ELDERLY PATRON UNCOVERS — er-uh — well, anyway «++ MODERN PAINTERS SHUN REALISTIC, OR "PHOTOGRAPHIC" APPROACH. HERE, ABSTRACT ARTIST DELMAR KVETCH PAINTS PICTURE OF BEAUTI- FUL MODEL, PREFERING TO "INTER- PRET" REALITY IN HIS OWN WAY. ACTUAL PHOTO OF BEAUTIFUL MOD- ELUSED BY DELMAR KVETCH—DRAM- ATIZING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RE- Auiry AND ARTIST'S. INTERPRETA- TION. B4 ART CRITICS HAVE TRIED FOR YEARS TO DISCOVER REASON BEHIND STRANGE, INSCRUTABLE SMILE ON FACE OF DAVINCI'S FAMOUS PAINT- ING OF THE MONA LISA, X-RAY PHOTO OF THE PAINTING, MADE IN CRACKED OFFICES, SHOWS. HITHERTO HIDDEN SECTION WHICH, ACCOUNTS FOR MONA LISA'S PUZ- ZLING GRIN. doe HOO eoo icon HOHREo OHO HO onOCS EARLY CAVE PAINTINGS HAVE BEEN THE SOURCE FOR MANY TRENDS IN MODERN ART. THIS REPRODUCTION SHOWS SECTION OF ACTUAL CAVE WALL, AS DECORATED BY PREHISTORIC CRO-MAGNON CAYE MAN, THOUSANDS OF YEARS BEFORE ADVENT OF CIVILIZATION.LAA et IT'S ALREADY HERE! TV HAS INVADED THE CLASSROOM, AND WITH THE INVASION CRACKED FORSEES SWEEP- ING CHANGES TAKING PLACE IN ALL PHASES OF EDU- CATION. EVEN THE ROLE OF THE SCHOOL JANITOR WILL UNDERGO SWEEPING CHANGES... HE'LL NOW HAVE TO SWEEP UNDERNEATH THE TV SET.THE TV SCHOOL WILL COMPLETELY. CHANGE THE ART OF TEACHING, THE ROLE Oe ee eet eee Uae aa ern Basu Rae eee ero icy Pe dati pendent aalhiet Even the popularity of western heros will be exploit errr? hombre 7 hours to high tail it to Deadwood Guleh, how long will it Lee oR Cascais Cee ee ue a of teacher to insure attention Go tect the school must bad reception.Pore eure rd The TV teacher's job won't be simple. As a result he To protect the video teacher, the classroom TV set in resort to psychological warfare—sub- may require... AN INVISIBLE SHIELD ‘Weedhead, put comic book! Pears Co Rae ee Cr nyPeery z ROT TR Cer eR CMe ema LORCA MI reat) LRM COR ae er Re eg ‘ABLE MADISON AVE. MADNESS. é es Peay ( roa +9 . i ei ¥ z - : cls cy . Cee ee cd aes Saree eran ea NR prolif oper Rr P&A superar: ree eas the ‘answer to Peas Poona porate their way up te the top! rae 2 poets eee perrenen ns Peer we ih oa KING OUT? res oe Ce eos es <3. AND OF THEN LET” irr oy, FUTURE, ee OTHE CHANCE OF A LIFETIAE CAN BE TmibaEDsrS0 GOR RIGA NOW AND ENLIST,WIDENING INFLUENCE CRACKED LOOKS INTO IT'S CRACKED CRYSTAL BALL AND PREDICTS THAT ONCE ‘THE TV INFLUENCE IN EDUCATION GETS UNDER WAY, THERE'LL BE NO STOPPING: IT. TV WILL AFFECT AREAS OF SCHOOL LIFE THAT ARE EVEN ONLY REMOTELY CONNECTED WITH EDUCATION. During schecl hours video truant officers displayed before all bell parks, playgrounds, and THE CLASSROOM _ The one-room will again be i a SEVENTH Ge ElGTH GeToday everybody is writing their autobiography—everybody who is a celebrity, that is. We feel this is unjust because every person, no matter how obscure he or she is has a story to tell. What. we should have are autobiographies written by the common man. NIN THE STREET, ‘These would make interesting reading hecause if the strong identification by common people everywhere. To show you what we mean, here are several suggested s+ AUTOBIOGRAPHIES By The Man In The Street 25e 2 CONFESSIONS OF A POOLROOM BALL-RACKER By Will BetchaPeip eos 4 ALEX THE foF 6-5-3 Coa OleEVER NOTICE HOW A. SIMPLE TWIST OF THE HAND OR A SLIGHT TILT OF THE HEAD CAN SOMETIMES CONVEY MEAN- ING MUCH MORE. ELOQUENTLY THAN MERE WORDS?.THIS IS BECAUSE SIGN LANGUAGE IS UNIVERSAL. YOU DON'T HAVE TO KNOW WHAT THE OTHER FELLOW IS TALKING ‘ABOUT IN ORDER TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE'S SAYING. ALL YOU. HAVE TO DO IS WATCH HIS HANDS. TO SHOW YOU WHAT WE MEAN, WE HAVE GROUPED TOGETHER SOME OF THE MORE ForvtaR CONVERSATIONAL GESTURES INTO WHAT WE ALL... * A CRACKED GUIDE TO HAND LANGUAGE Seveaul ‘SURPRISE DISDAIN ‘ASSURANCE PALMS OF OUTSTRETCH. BOTH HANDS ARE LIFTED RIGHT HAND JUTS OUT CUPPED PALMS OF ED HANDS THRUST OUT UP WITH FINGERS ABOUT AT 45 DEGREE ANGLE HANDS GRIP SIDES OF WITH ELBOWS TOUCH. Ya INCH FROM EARS IN FROM FLOOR WITH PALM — TEMPLES WITH THUMBS ING HIPS AND HEAD TILT- CUPPING POSITION AS FLUSH CENTER WHILE PULLING UP EARS AS ED LEFTWARD SHOULDERS RAISE HEAD LOWERS HEAD SHAKES ANNOYANCE MATURITY DELIBERATION 'WILDERMENT PALM Of OUTSTRETCHED PALM OF HAND IS LIFTED HANDS ARE FIRMLY THUMB AND FINGERS HAND IS UP TO HEAD WITH FING- CLASPED WITH THUMBS GRASP SIDES OF CHEEKS Hoon Ar StOWAGH, "© ERs OUTSTRETCHED. AND ROTATING IN SLOW DE. AND. PULL DOWNWARD LEVEL ASHEADTILTS AND BENT SLIGHTLY BACK, LIBERATE MOTION WHILE TO END AT LOWER LIP BROWS RAISE WARDS LOWER LIP PROTRUDESat "CONTENTMEN KNUCKLES OF CLENCHED FIST TAP LIGHTLY ON NEAREST WOODEN O8- JECT ABOUT 3 OR 4 TIMES CATHY ‘CURIOSITY INSIDE TIP_OF THUMB IS RUBBED AGAINST INSIDE TIP OF INDEX FINGER IN SMALL CHOPPING STROKES INDEX FINGER IS UPRIGHT -AND SHAKEN BACK AND FORTH SLOWLY IN A SLY BECKONING MANNER. HANDS ‘ARE. CLENCHED TOGETHER AS BODY MOVES FROM SIDE 10 SIDEINAN EXHILARATING. MANNER ‘THUMB IS POINTED DOWN, ‘AND MOVED JERKILY AS REST OF FINGERS MAKE TIGHTLY LOCKED FIST INDEX FINGER IS POINTED. TOWARD SIDE OF HEAD JUST ABOVE EAR AND RO- TATED CLOCKWISE IN ‘SMALL CIRCLES ‘ASTONISHMENT INDEX FINGER POINTS TO AND TOUCHES BODY SLIGHTLY TO LEFT OF HEART AS CHIN JUTS OUT AND HEAD SQES. BACK THOROUGHNESS TIPS OF INDEX FINGER AND THUMB MEET TO FORM SMALL CIRCLE AND. THEN JUT OUT SHARPLY ‘SINCERITY FLAT PALM OF HAND IS EXTENDED ACROSS. HEART AS HEAD MOVES IN SLOW EVEN MANNER FROM SIDE TO SIDE INDEX FINGER STANDS ERECT AND SHAKES FIRM- Ly AS REST OF FINGERS ARE LOCKED IN AN EM- BRACE CLOSED FIST IS SWUNG REPEATEDLY AT ABOUT 2 INCHES FROM EAR WHILE HEAD REMAINS MOTION a\ FRUGALITY INSIDE TIP_OF THUMB IS RUBBED AGAINST INSIDE TIP _OF INDEX FINGER IN SHORT RAPID STROKES INDEX FINGER IS PLACED VERTICALLY OVER LIPS. ALLOWING _A” SMALL. SHOOSHING SOUND TO 'APPREC! LOOSE HAND DANGLES UP_AND DOWN FROM LIMP WRIST AS _ FACE TAKES ON APPRECIATIVE ESCAPE LOOK APART ae er a eS Pg Ue eT TD 4 FINALITY PALMS OF HAND BRUSH EACH OTHER IN BROAD ‘SWEEPING GESTURE AND ENDS ABOUT TWO FEET INSIDE TIP OF THUMB IS PRESSED AGAINST INSIDE TIPS OF OTHER FINGERS AND SHAKEN BACK AND FORTHTHIS §S A TYPICAL COCKTAIL PARTY. EACH COUPLE IS CARRYING ON A CONVERSATION. SEE IF YOU GAN GUESS WHAT THEY ARE SAYING JUST BY LOOKING AT THEIR HANDS, THEN CHECK YOUR ANSWERS AT THE BOTTOM OF NEXT PAGE AND FIND OUT HOW OBSERVANT YOU ARE. Le 529 ST ADMONITION " DISDAIN “ASTONISHMENT " . ry | | PRIDE " DISGUST x MOCKERY ea itt = SECRECY i Pp : f — j ANNOYANCE waruRITY ft CURIOSITY i)Sy ANGER. ; ASSURANCE ‘CONTENTMENT. eS iS DELIBERATION FRUGALITY ge < s 3 SINCERITY TORMENT F SURPRISE \ ‘APPRECIATION ‘THOROUGHNESS, FINALITY & COYNESS " ANSWERS TO WHAT THEY ARE SAYING 1 Right here is where I get those pain, Gladys." 2. "Maybe the afer elects of het bran ere on 13, "This dam sail polish just won't dry!* ‘omy say you p your hands wl 13, "Try banging them here on the tobe!” Ta: me coed avet ote day" 15. "Me, I sell Playtex Living Bra: 16, *Ttell you I felt @ drop of water on my head! 17, "Se did lguess the calling must be feng! 18, "This new lotion makes my hands so much softer.* mit we ned is esta Gite Bit alt 0,7 24, "Yd like to show you this ring ««Coe ae eee UCM a eae Rea Be LN oS LLRs RUS LAM MA TaNSAUL ar USSU OLS ROLLA ee CRY 1 CUO Tie a aaa TO UYNOW SEE A FIRST HAND REPORTON HOW IT REALLY IS... EY Mee &. aeey drt mate see vin bese Hovertecie Teenast, mrannensten’s| (MONSTER Hort obit Siu, coma wit Cava woe 8H warn o CiromeasThose sneaky wolves are trying to read Red Riding Hood’s copy of CRACKED before she gets to grandmother's house. ta (4, L r Liter aco Neva The CHEAPSKATES. All they have to do is clip out the coupon and send money. Mail coupon fo: CRACKED Subscriptions SUBSCRIBE: 45 WEST 45th STREET New York 36, N.Y. I don’t want to be a sneaky wolf, so here is my subscription to CRACKED. Send it to address on coupon. Also, try to send Red Riding Hood.RISTACTION AIR CONDITIONER THERMOSTATIC CONTROL OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS 1) Grasp handle at "A", Hold Air Condiener raya postin at Hight angle with nove 2) Move point "B" foward and slightly’ pest nose. [Warning Gora must be-taken nob te hi note.) 3) Return to posiion\No. 1 44} Ropeat Procedure, Temperature Strokes Per Minute 70 degrees to 80 degrees. 80 degrees to 90 degrees. 90 degrees to 100 degrees. 100 degrees or higher.....as fast as possible (warning: Don't exert H's too hot.) yourse