oo LOW -NEED A pangs <.“US TAREYTON SMOKERS WOULD RATHER FIGHT THAN SWITCH!” eran United Anists CorporationNo, 36 JUNE, 1964 PUBLISHER: Robert C. Sproul EDITOR : Joe Kiernan Production: Charles Foster Artists: John Severin, La Poer, Bi Don Orehek, Edward Fres Writers: George Gladir, Bill Ward, Don Edwing, ©. H. Tittle, Jay Lynch, Joe Kiernan Janitor: Sylvester P. Smythe McCarthy, CONTENTS SYLVESTER FOR PRESIDENT esis It’s a landslide and a laughslide LOSERS CAN BE CHOOSERS eevee TO ‘Or three men on third base! TRANSYLVANIAN. TV _W "How come I'm getting ghosts on my set?” THAT WONDERFUL YEAR OF 1032 8C a "How much is that dingeroffer in the window?” ‘SUPERMARKETS arenmenieeass 2 Today's special—smiles, 25 cents HURRY-UPS - - —- 2 More fast funnies DONT THROW AWAY ANYTHING _ ann 28 How to build the Brookiyn Bridge out of old eoid euts. EARN MONEY IN BEAUTIFUL MEXICO fn 30 Don’t kill that bull—sel it HARD LUCK STORIES ANO HOW TO HANDLE THEM. 32, "Brother can you spare a laugh?" CRACKED FUN SHOPPE. ‘Always open for fun HOW TO UNDERSTAND SPORTS OFFICIALS’ SIGNALS 35 ‘Whistle happy CRACKED'S CRACKS... Something new has been adde HORROR HOUSE Has room service—"Heipi” TRUTH BEHIND THE PRESS AGENT'S ITEMS. 41 There's no business like show business et me “ FANGMANN'S as 4 Hangovers ‘on the rocks CIVIL WAR FACTS 45 The Blue and the Gray, hip. CELEBRITIES LICENSE PLATES. The old numbers game THE BIRD HOUSE for the birds EYE LINES: Take a page, any pai WHATS UP FRONT ‘ks ke Sees i relly up inthe gover something! Now don't worry ___ Sylvester, ifthe parachute doesn't open, ion iN back te the place where you ht itethe JAPANESE ARMY SUR: STORE and your money wil be: _ cheerfully refunded, AANSYLIANIAM, Ty fc - ‘Tarn on channel 106 and x See really, reaily BIG shows! Programs like Sing Along With Frank: ‘enstain’ ive Got Secret.Graveyard” and "I Love Lucy Borgia” Sy are 0 Dig you need 3 S]i-map to help you. find IL Way around in them, 7) expore 09 HOW. THEY SEL EVERYTHING FROM BALONEY BUICK ‘The politica! bandwagon for Sylvester P. Smythe is moving into high gear. AN Yecteraay fe yas on TY Sia mother was waxing lors and that's hore poor Syiete hod to sit until she was finished. “sens ‘CAN BE CHOOSERS. 13 “st t's altabout those daffy. > NEW YORK METS. and what takes moke ther come cut” abnays ‘TRUTH BEHIND THE PRESS | AGENT'S. ITEMS a Want to become world famous? lust hire @ ress agent and he will make you 3 bigger stor thon: “Jackie Gleason “Boy! is he a BIG star). HARD LUEK STORIES AND HOW TO HANDLE THEM. 2 z Ever walk along the cu Street and haye a bum 7 stop you and say, “I ZS havent had anything to 25k, eatin four days. Macl"? Read this article and you'll be able to tell fhm, "With today’s food brices'so high, |havent EATEN anything in five : days!"Dear Sirs: ‘Again you went and spelled Maga- 3, Mazagine’—how come? ‘Joel Mittleman Wayne, Mich, Because Miss Frenton, our ‘fifth firade school teacher taught us to spell it that way. She also taught us ‘0 spell Mittleman, Middleman Dear Screwballs: T recently purchased a copy of “More Cracked,” but | can't find it now. Where do you think I lost it? Martha Cullens, Baltimore, Mo. ing under the living room Been reading Cracked for years now and | just want to tell you the Dec. copy was very, very funny. The story on Celebrity Credit Card Appli- ‘ations was too much, I'm still laughing! George Gladir _ New York City 1 know you ‘and by the way, PULL UP A CHAIR... “lust finished reading your Feb. Maga Got a big kick out of the monster ich-board men. Don't you think it would have been funnier if the mummy carried a sign stating “For Old Clothes, see Max's Old Suits Store—45 B. Celia Putnam Peoria, Il ‘f00G—keep it up and soon you ‘wilting Jokes for Captain Kang- A onan pveand R04 | Sit right down and fill out the attached coupon today. Be- fore you can shout, ""CRACK- ED is the funniest magazine in the world!", the mailman will be knocking on your door with the back issues, you have checked on the coupon! STATE UND Cimedt rows A at Seabee Ber lgoty Sectan 4569, Tile 38, United States Ci ase of fling: Oct 1, 1963 = Frequency of intuet Bre 3; Lecce of sown ‘ome AER Sree Na tuose ee Sues” NY NY. i006, Maneamne “Eater Eloi SaDG Bsa eas woe 4 St Rely eee pete! Sa N.Y. 10036. gare oe ani geet Specs eee Bee. ‘and '4580 of ‘Fite 99, United Stace oR otal No. covet printed (Net Prose uth Aten NS epee ony ive Seng Fetednt Erinn 58000) Single ee Regret fe 164, CRACKED BACK ISSUES 45 WEST 45th STREET NEW YORK 36, N. Lenclose — ne Please send Back Issues 1 have checked at 50c No.27.. No.28— No.2 No. 90. No.1. No.32 Noc33—— NodDear Sirs: Dear Sirs: Really enjoyed your Dec. Cracked. (On page 23 of your December Crack: Especially the article, “Letters, we fd, in the “Identity the Object Contest” have letters” Don't you think No. 989, you don't have enough spaces schools should give a letter for read- to fit in the whole word. The name ing Cracked? ‘siphonogastera” is a 14 letter word and Mary Murtson you have only 33 blanks. Chicago, I Yes! The letter should be shaped like a °C for crazy. Dear Editor: "Your Feb. issue of Cracked was a real swinger. The TV medical symbols story hhad me laughing like a erazy man. Bill Bonder Manchester, N. H. Thanks Bill, for the letter. In the issue we are going to de the symbols the content’s page it reads "January"—OK! Who's the knucklebrain? roline Kin Rlcgsile Conn. iniley 2.6. Kouekle- hunch that atuy never knew what month it was. COMPLETELY CRACKED HAVE YOU A COMPLETE COLLECTION OF CRACKED PAPERBACKS? Collectors everywhere — stamp collectors, tax col- lectors, and even garbage collectors—are gathering stacks of + CRACKED paperbacks. So get your copies of COMPLETELY ‘CRACKED, THE CRACK- ED READER and MORE CRACKED today. Have fun while adding to our collection CRACKED PAPERBACKS 45 WEST 45th STREET, N.C, | enclose 40c ea. Please rush pocket- 1D COMPLETELY CRACKED (MORE CRACKED 0) CRACKED READER Nat etree Address... city State| f I Election time is drawing noar and the various parties are frantically searching for suitable candidates. We at CRACKED would like to nom- inale our own janitor, Sylvester P. Smythe for President. Afler al, who Is better qualified than a janitor to CLEAN UP the mess in Washington, and introduce sweeping reform? So hop aboard the GRACKED bandwagon as the BROOMOCRATIC PARTY shouts its approval of ..«WHAT ARE SYLVESTER’S QUALIFICATIONS? —He comes from America’s first family of sanitation! ‘married 1918 HESTER DELANCEY ‘born 1925 ‘Sanitation Truck Driver married 1953 ETHEL CHLORIDE Janitress ‘The Smythes are expecially PETER fond ‘of Peter, the. one GURCLE singing waiter FRANKIE = MABELINE born — 1952 born — 1956 SAMMIE born — 1953 DEANO born — 1951 JOEY born — 1955 SHIRLEY born — 1956 KHARMANN GHIA born — 1957Ou MILTON SMYTHE The junior member of the family rex cently confessed to cheating on his Sewer Worker's th POPPA GUS SMYTHE Although retired, Poppa Gus still wields the No. | broom in the fam- ny i ily, Rumors persist that Poppa Gus the nation's first Secretary of Sani- leaned up in the wartime black tation. In his more playful moment market selling used mops. Benny likes to spend time with his hobby—collecting antique garbage. sterling manner in which Milton came clean, A SPORTING FAMILY The Smythes are shown here indulging in their favorite pastime —stickball —A refined urban version of baseball, The magnificent 18th century French decor mi 1 love at first sight," says Sylvester, sion partially obscures the Smythe summer home trim, broomlike figure swept me off my feet" ramely that dilapidated tent inthe background. ‘ me BG, "Bayt | coutant sopSYLVESTER’S YOUTH — R UP FROM THE SEWERS, GARBAGE DUMPS AND MOPS Peer ar en ets Boe sai as arr SS eeeeny Ee eee na LeTHE WORLD'S LEADING CUSTODIANS KNOW SYLVESTER {In nominating Sylvester P, Smythe as its candi- date, the Broomoc Party knows that it has a. word figure who will whisk the party. Into Royal J id shows him the Crown's unique cole idded custodial equipment. “Sylvester shakes hands with Pier igin 4s plan to link all the sewers of Common merket coun tries, Though neither spoke tho other's language the ve wore in, Sylvester listens to the special problems reedom sweepers who have to swab up the Comm mest around the BERLIN WALL. .0 Garbagio, shows isposal system of Veni 13 Com 4 submarines for garb "fe way of using a broom,SYLVESTER’S CLEAN-UP CAMPAIGN FOR PRESIDENCY BABY-KISSING ‘WHISTLE-STOP CAMPAIGNING Cangas wh sh baby ig = io NOR ee & dl Megh OF unving 2 sy OUL! SAYS SYLVESte ee RE! NED CANDID AMPLE OF Tripp SYLVESTER’S PLATFORM SONAL EXAM It should be obvious to anyone that Sylvester stands for a clean, spotless platform, PUBLIC OPINION POLLS “Whom would you cor Sylvester?” (ai Syleer yo ora ii theard you saying he in G) Didn't youheve kind Wasuyewess 5 ae | Ti) notional disgrace!IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, SYLVESTER PROMISES THE NATION THAT AMERICA WILL SWEEP AHEAD TO A CLEAN FRONTIER WITH HIS 10 POINT PROGRAM OF PURITY 7. REVAMPED WHITE HOUSE—For the firs! time in his- tory the White House will pay its own way, The Presi- SAE dent It will do all TEN ‘POINT PROGRAM : —An oll-cut war will be jerers, who will hene collectively as ‘The Smirch Society. 2. SPACE PROGRAM — Expenses can be drastically reduced without im- Pairing our space elioris ... simply by eliminating the costly and messy ticker tape parades for Astronauts. 3, EDUCATION— The crisis in the na- ton's estucatonal eystem will be 1 PX f - é ver abl ch si 's - ~ ia i damaaaiall 8. THE ORGANIZATION OF A PIECE CORPS—An atl 4 CUBA—All relations with Cuba will ‘besevered. ie. a clean break with the Castroites. 5. NUCLEAR FORCE—All our dirty bombs will be gotten nid of and sub- stituted with clean bombs, 8, VETERANS AFFAIRS—Full support vill be giver to all veteran organiza- the Veterans of KP egion of Cigaretie cit : army of volunteers that will conside “The budget must come out exactly even, We don't want itn the red, and we cerlainly don't want our ‘nice elean budget in the black, either. PERS wie GAS GAN 3 ~ ef. President, we have enough liquid detergen -kpiled to send Russia down the drainLast year, the New York Mets, a last place ball club, drew St eras SS ek jew Yorkers have become bored with the winning ways eee neces ing streak? The fans may start Codd ‘TO GET OFF TO A REAL SLOW START, THE MET MANAGEMENT WILL HAVE TO INSTILL THE PROPER LOSING ATTITUDE RIGHT AT SPRING TRAINING. proving, kid! In alittle you'll find MISJUDGING ‘ly balls will come natural to you! i ea SR ois SaaS :‘THE METS ARE ALWAYS UNDER TERRIFIC PRESSURE TO LOSE. THEY REALIZE THAT IF THEY SHOULD EVER START WINNING, THEIR FANS. MAY STAY AWAY FROM THEIR G AMES. [3191 How am/lever going to seta ht, quys! I'm not blaming anyone Casey, we just pelle a Ria ea perficler for winning today's geme picked up Meklos- Bucs ith eis a 9 fe we can't lose ‘em all fy in a trade with ren tie sat etfien? jon why we can'tkeep || wou trying to worsen ourselves! batting 3191 Today is Stengel’ BIRTHDAY. tet lose this for good ol’ Casey! EVEN AFTER THE METS ARE COMFOR- TABLY ENTRENCHED IN LAST PLACE THEY WILL NOT BE ABLE TO RELAX. ‘THEY MUST THINK ABOUT LOSING NEXT YEAR AND THE YEAR AFTER... AS A RESULT, MET SCOUTS WILL HAVE TO BE ‘ON THE ALERT FOR LIKELY PROSPECTS. 2 just spotted e combination HANIA "LEFTY" CHUCKER DEMONSTRATES THE BOTTOM-NOTCH FORM THAT HAS MADE HIM A CONSISTENT 20 First off, you check catcher's signal. Before throwing, you check the ‘One finger means he's calling runnersian the boive= for a wild pitch, two is a home run ball, and three is @ balk. You never know when you'll have a Sperry f9 Uncerk one into left it told you to pay the electric light bill‘TROUSERS WITH SLIPPERY SEATS FOR OVERSLIDING BAGS. ‘SPARING NO EXPENSE TO INSURE FAIL URE, THE METS HAVE EVEN GONE TO THE TROUBLE OF INTRODUCING THEIR OWN BRAND OF SPECIALIZED EQUIPMENT. BATS THAT GUARANTEE ‘STRIKEOUTS EVEN WHEN THE BAT ACCIDENTALLY MEETS THE BALL. CATCHER MASKS THAT CAUSE PASSED BALLS, PAIR OF LEFT SHOES, e INVALUABLE FOR THE PREVENTION OF BEAT. ING OUT BUNTS. GREASED GLOVES. " : And finally you get the biggest Next, you groove it ae - thrill of alle nice rewarding the heart of the plate. te shower!ALREADY THERE ARE SIGNS THAT THE COUNTRY AS A WHOLE IS GETTING FED UP WITH THE BIG WIN- NERS IN LIFE: THE YANKEES, THE FOOTBALL GIANTS, THE BUREAU OF INTERNAL REVENUE. ... IT MAY BE JUST A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THE NATION STARTS ADOPTING THE BIG LOSERS AS ITS FAVORITES. WHEN THAT HAPPENS YOU'LL BE SEEING... AMERICA’S FAVORITE AUTO: THE EDSEL ‘AMERICA’S: FAVORITE LOVERBOY: EDDIE FISHER DEWEY and NIXON AMERICA’S FAVORITE BOXER: YD AMERICA’S FAVORITE POET: ~ PATTERSON CASSIUS CLAY ‘AMERICA’S FAVORITE DISTRICT | ATTORNEY: | HAMILTON _ BURGER AMERICA’S FAVORITE HUMOR MAGAZINE: BRAND X DETERGENT 4 BRAND [Tee p= "De you sae the ie 0TV SPOOKTACULAR DEPT, WE RECENTLY SENT OUR ACE REPORTED TO TRANSYLVANIA (SERVES HIM RIGHT FOR ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT HIS OVERDUE BACK-PAY). HE INTERRUPTED HIS NECKING SESSIONS WITH THE VAMPIRES LONG ENOUGH TO SENO US THIS FIRST-HAND REPORT (COMPLETE WITH HAND) ON...YOU CAN BE DEAD SURE... IF IT'S A TRANSYLVAN A T.V. SET While away those bering daylight hours with THE COFFIN COLOR SET Plasma snack bar for use during commercial breaks The handtome “tastefully” decorated lood-red color AT LAST! ‘THE VERY LATEST IN SCIENTIFIC WONDERS THE COMPLETELY AUTOMATIC SET self-tuning talfselecting of channels selfrepairingTHAT WONDERFUL YEAR “1032 8c aes oeWILL THE SHOPPING GART REPLACE THE HORSE-RADISH DEPT, Remember years ago when if you wanted to buy a steak, five pounds of potatoes and a pair of shoes, you had to visit three stores? Not anymore, thanks to those new super, duper supermarkets. Today under one roof you ¢an buy everything from soup to nuts and bolts... .AO angel eae 30 the only thing 2 woman took to fore was her- Dear, I'm going to the supermarket — f) do youwant 0 come if, empty ff along? happened to the grt soda bottles, redeem- aoe’ programs they hed on alle: - tee and thrash this thing out!" - Pe us Soret a ae1 thy dota sce hey wil in hese Harr Hoce A aber SHRUNKEN HEAD eas shy ma Ta yur Seed you ad 9 ane leaula Greteisneneerd (i aii yo PRANKENSTEN'S (MONSTER ve hl ‘WoL MAO A MONT OM erat, uur, sowMRENOT, $z00 see wit one mA DlaucemO085PO yor Cuuureou ms ‘Cowen es Disavan ns Our merJNCTHE COLUMN, WHAT REALLY HAPPENED, Look, you take my auto- graph or I'll break your cane, see! Daddy, you have the wadding poo hours—when can we v Put up your mitts, ka it you, are looking for a fight, , 4hIN THE COLUMN. Tet's get this scone righ? on the first tako—the bosses could only scrape up 5 dollars for film to- day! For months now, Rock, Thave been telling you 2.50 te but ni the light bill, wouldn't listen toIn Fine Blood... FANGMANN’S ¢ is the BIG buy! een Sey ri ED BLOOD. . party, serve FA with glee. « MANS’ in the wenty gallon bottle, Its SMOOTH? ALENDED 81000. 90 PROOF. 63% GRIM SPOOKY SPIRITS, THE “ FANGMANN DISKILLING CORPORATION, TRANSYLVANIA.For you students of the civil war we present an unusual article that we dug up from the historical museum Washington, D.C. (dug up out of their disposal can.) The pictures and facis are true and can be proven true by well known historian Matthew Siemore Brady, that is if you can find him. Anyway this article should stir you up enough to keep saving your confederate mé for more research in . .« “= General Thomas Jack son was one of the South's greatest gener- als, He was always right in the thick of battle giv- ing his men courage to fight on and on. It Lookee Boys! Be of stout heart! Thar stands Jackson like a stone wail!General Tecumseh Sherman, = tlenced of why his men called him “Old Bal putto use. Grant was known to be « heavy consumer and this position seems to capture what we have said. “‘You remember Molly Pitcher from the Revo- lutionary War? Well this is a shot of Molly's inddaughter doing her bit for the Yanks. Personnel so defeat. Yank - Their attack plan was so weak, ‘ompetent, that they broke up in horrible pro football team that is. milk from what he thought was a cow. (Confusion broke out in the ranks. a battietield f dead, but fl scene portray. ing the resultof [| the first shot atCELEBRITIES LICENSE PLATES 424-36) iN: a —= CALIFORNIA .., CALIFORNIA _, Een rre>-il BARKS 6-5 CALIFORNIA BEATE OCE - Bo PAO A es 5 eet CALIFORNIA “Walter eres in my soup™ we<= CALIFORNIA EW ITT Nae) MAS CALIFORNIA: MICKEY ROONEY ALA2A3 => CALIFORNIA __ LAWRENCE WELK GALS-100 — CALIFORNIA ax FRANK SINATRA LIZWIF? | 33510000 «= CALIFORNIA NTT hg CALIFORNIA CTT LOST em YORK POLICETHE BIRD HOUSEUS GEG READERS WOULD RATHER FIGHT THAN SWITCH! CRACKED 45 West 45th Street New York 36, N. Y. Zonenmne Stat Nine issues $2.00, Outside of US. $2.50HERE'S A GREAT EXTRA SPECIAL BONUS — TRAVEL STICKERS FOR PEO- PLE WHO NEVER GO ANYWHERE! CUT THEM OUT AND PASTE THEM ON YOUR SUITCASES. LOOK LIKE A WORLD TRAVELER WITHOUT EVEN LEAV- ING YOUR HOME TOWN. BON VOYAGE, DON'T FORGET TO WRITE! LONDON bridge's falling down doesn't give milk, but Pa's cow does.