Entrepreneurship: Being in Business for Yourself January 17, 2019

Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also
embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing
Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Yashpreet! I am Avon I. I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center Review to
improve your essay about the benefits of being self-employed/entrepreneurship. Let's get started!

*Writing Strength: 
You did a good job in presenting the main idea of your essay about self-
employment/entrepreneurship. This main idea is

Whereas, in my viewpoint, it better to be a self-employed rather than being an employee at any

office. Moreover, Self-employment offers freedom and more spaces for developing a business and
fulfilling dreams.

This main idea strengthens your essay because it provides direction and focus to your discussion
about self-employment/entrepreneurship.

*Yashpreet Singh 11122448, you requested help with Main Idea/Thesis:   

There are some details in your essay that are not yet explained in connection with its main idea.
For instance, in your discussion about how some entrepreneurs start their career, you wrote that

For instance, many successful entrepreneurs start their career in a company and later move to
own a business. (from the 2nd paragraph)

In what ways does starting as an employee in a company before becoming self-employed or an

entrepreneur prove that it is better to be self-employed and/or start own business? By explaining
this connection, you will make the main idea of your essay more evident. It will also more strongly
unify the content of your essay. You can also review Powerful Body Paragraphs for more pointers
in strengthening your essay’s main idea.

*Yashpreet Singh 11122448, you requested help with Content Development:   

Additionally, some of the ideas in your essay are not yet supported with examples and
illustrations. For example, in your discussion of what reinforces your argument about the benefits
of self-employment/entrepreneurship, you wrote that

Further reinforcing my views on to the matter, they have the largest freedom to executing many
innovations regarding their own opinions to advance their productivity and it led them to be the
independent people. (3rd paragraph)

What are some examples of businesses that have presented significant innovations? Who were the
self-employed individuals/entrepreneurs behind these innovations? In what ways did these
innovations change societies and economies? By adding these details, you will help readers to
more vividly and easily visualize and grasp how and why being self-employed or being an
entrepreneur is beneficial. You can also review Revising Content for more pointers in supporting
your discussion with examples and illustrations.

Introduction/Conclusion 
Furthermore, your proposed conclusion lacks the implication of your discussion. Currently, you
emphasized the main idea of your essay that being self-employed or being an entrepreneur is
beneficial by presenting this information in the conclusion:

However, it brings positive effects in a larger field such as offering a job for others

What does it suggest to readers? For instance, now that they know being self-employed or
becoming an entrepreneur has its benefits, what can they do to determine whether or not being
self-employed or being an entrepreneur is right for them? If you are not prohibited to include your
discussion’s implication, then adding it in the revised conclusion will help readers to better grasp
the deeper importance of your discussion. It will also leave them with a lasting impression about
your discussion. You can also review Strong Conclusions for more ideas on how to improve your
Entrepreneurship: Being in Business for Yourself January 17, 2019

essay’s conclusion.

Summary of Next Steps: 

 Explain the connection of the supporting details to your essay’s main idea.
 
 Support the discussion with examples consistently.
 
 Add the implication of your discussion in the revised conclusion.
Thank you for submitting your essay for a review, Yashpreet. I enjoyed helping you with this step
in the revision process. Have a good day! - Avon I.
You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer's
Handbook.
______________________________________________________________________________
Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.

Entrepreneurship: Being in Business for Yourself

Yashpreet Singh Matharu

Student ID: 2018090752

Course Code 19W-C-ON-B2

Zohreh Daeizadeh

Yorkville University
Entrepreneurship: Being in Business for Yourself January 17, 2019

ENTREPRENEURSHIP: BEING IN BUSINESS FOR YOURSELF

Compared to the people in past to the present day, everyone is concerned to create their career for

their betterment of future. And due to the same entrepreneurship is at its widespread, as different

people have different views, skills, preferences, and opportunities while choosing a career. It not easy

to start their own business. [What makes starting own business difficult? You can add this

information in the revised introduction to provide background context to your discussion.

Background details are important because they link your discussion to the essay topic and

prepare readers for the discussion’s development.] But there are some people born to be leaders

and take risks while some others simply follow the safe and simple path. Whereas, in my viewpoint, it

better to be a self-employed rather than being an employee at any office. Moreover, Self-employment

offers freedom and more spaces for developing a business and fulfilling dreams.

There is not even an iota of doubt that working in an office is useful as a person can easy proper

financial support and learn valuable skills. As they know these skills will positively affect their career

growth and future endeavor. For instance, many successful entrepreneurs start their career in a

company and later move to own a business. Furthermore, due to the shortage of jobs and
Entrepreneurship: Being in Business for Yourself January 17, 2019

overpopulation, commoners are really facing the problem of unemployment and joblessness is forcing

the new generation for choosing self-employment as their career option. Apart from this majority of

people have set a positive mindset toward entrepreneurship, as in my perspective they have great faith

that self-employment is one of the best works where they can work on there on will and stress-free.

[<This is a comma splice because only a comma sets off the complete sentences in it. To improve

its structure and readability, you can replace the said comma with a semicolon or a period (e.g.,

Apart from this, the program is also quite expensive; in my opinion, it should not be

implemented.).]

Further reinforcing my views on to the matter, they have the largest freedom to executing many

innovations regarding their own opinions to advance their productivity and it led them to be the

independent people. In addition, the buyers, especially in the culinary aspect, tend to find attractive

dishes which have unique color, shape, or taste. [What is the importance of creating and/or

modifying dishes? How does it benefit society? You can explain this idea because it can help to

prove how being a self-employed individual, in particular in the culinary field, is beneficial.] It

allows the owner to put their creative thinking in these elements as an identity of their outputs, so it

can guide much attention of people. Furthermore, it can help many people because it provides a

chance for others who are looking for occupations. When the financial of trade shows the significant

increase, it allows the owner to recruit workers to help him enlarge his business.

To recapitulate, it is abundantly clear that's an entrepreneur is riskier than working in the companies

since it has many obstacles, like hard efforts and uncertain income. However, it brings positive effects

in a larger field such as offering a job for others [<This is a complete sentence, but it lacks an end

punctuation. Because it is written as a statement, what end punctuation should be placed to end

it?]
Entrepreneurship: Being in Business for Yourself January 17, 2019