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    Crazy Magazine 001 PDF

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    EXPALOSWE FIRST ISSUE featuring: THE WaY-OUT HUMOR OF JEAN SHEPHERD HARLAN ELLISON VAUGHN BODE KELLY FREAS ‘AND TH BULLPEN THAT PLAYS FOR FUN ALSOIN THIS SSUE_ WRITER: STU SCHWARTZBERG ARTIST: MARIE SEVERIN In 1945, 15-year old Agnes Carcittoma smoked a cigarette in her Weehawken, New Jersey home, shocking her narrow-minded, unenlightened family. Youve come along way, Agnes. _ VIRGINIA, SLIM: “@ HHANCES Your cute little cough has developed 1 into a loud, hacking bark. That small dark spot on your lung xray is: now a "== ig black shadow. You're finding inter , % esting litle lumps when you shower. » ‘ wey Yes, youve come @ lng way, Anes. se « ut there's just a short way 10 go Warring: The Surgeon General Hes Determined] Vigna Sinchanca, Sinner than the That Tar Intake From Heavy Cigarette Usage Is fot cigarettes men smoke. About as slim ike Smoking US. Route 66 Four Times. ‘8 your chances for survival wo.1 OCTOBER, 1973 STAN Cf 1S LEE presents rw MAGAZINE San ROY THOMAS MARV WOLFMAN SOL BRODSKY Executive Editor Editor Production Staffs DON McGREGOR, TONY ISABELLA, CARLA JOSEPH, MURRAY FRIEDMAN Writers This Issue: VAUGHN BODE, GERRY CONWAY, HARLAN ELLISON, BOB FOSTER, ‘TONY ISABELLA, CARLA JOSEPH, DON McGREGOR, STU SCHWARTZBERG, JEAN SHEPHERD, STEVE SKEATES, JEAN THOMAS, ROY THOMAS, LEN WEIN, MARV WOLFMAN Artists This Issue: ROSS ANDRU, VAUGHN BODE, BOB FOSTER, DAVE HUNT, VIC MARTIN, MIKE PLOOG, MARIE SEVERIN, HERB TRIMPE, BASIL WOLVERTON, NED YOUNG Photographers: VINCENT COLLETTA, MICHELE WOLFMAN (Cover: KELLY FREAS (Ven ects CRAZY troprint laimost 99% ic will prob ‘Canada. Any similarity without fatirle purpose between any of the names, characters, persons and/or intitutions in this magazine with those of any living or deed person of institution is not intonded and any such similarity which may exist is purely colnckiental, Pr 3 How to make a new T.V. series: Buy up a thousand stale fortune cookies cheap. Hire an actor at lenst as cute as Dear Abby to read the advice therein. Set the scene in the sin- ridden hell-hole that was Keokuk, lowa,in the 1950’s. Then—no, wait a minute—make that the Wild West of 100 years ago. Anyway, this is CRAZY’s version of the show featur- ing the fastest hands 'n’ feet in the west... a ‘Wher PY) schWARTZBERG ARTIST: MIKE PLOOG Traveling through] desert is a drag. ‘This is last time | L play in Gabby Hayes Desert Open. N\ i fe WICOW IS = RUSTLING COOLIES> / Let's see which western cliché plot 6 Fr I follow this time. TN) Figerine es i : aI aS) St y NGieoW | (CMCKEN FARMERS EG |, oe Sqr ce- ipo. Ex HANGED _ \\ (RIGHT MAN WAITING ws pronivesane foe. > _OW THE WAY TO BREAK: HIM OUTOF JAIL — aad First, I think Til unpack humble, meager possessions and prepare a modest meal to restore flagging Nothing 3 happening now, 80 I think it’s } j ‘about time for af a flashback to my student days at Kung Fooey U? You sure can pack a fot in a bedroll if you Pack it right! fA =<" T think Tl start \\ with assorted \\ * fappetizers, Wong Heavy on the spareribs, easy on the burning coals. Mayhaps it was tasteless of this one to cork off during lecture. But having to scrub clean the Great Wall seem crue? and unusual punishment! q| mental agility, stinkbug. If you can aN ‘snatch pea from my hand by \j ‘ (Nemploying artful distraction and coy| Yao ® 3 gS] diversion, you graduate from Kung \AP ny: pay "2 Fooey U. Ss rE : —- li oe Good show, dog flea. Now if EB 500 wil excuse your humble (MM mentor, he fas much Bf |sercaming and erying to catch Zi Sie g Is great honor, One-handed |, 4 One. Stil, this one would've liked to try some of that miserable wayside falling. Cockroach, you have graduated at top of your Kung Fooey class while other students have fallen by miserable wayside! +++ Must tell the 7/ However, must} | DON'T TOUCH ‘world of brotherly continue on to} | ME,YOU FILTHY I spread joy, BEGGARI! love, espe fr | peace, 4} make out in dis town. Now you is ‘makink all us Chinese to lookink like rotten gengsters! Wait! Look! He has || ancient enigmatic Z| markings burned into pfcattleman, I'm just a poor widow raising pigeons for export to the big cities. ‘The ‘This is my ranch and that’s my son, a recent widower. T could've sworn I took the cattlemen- {fight-sheepmen road! cattlemen say V'm G} | ruining the land for & Tcan tell you are BES | att-vise and knowing, t sir, Please give me a COO philosophy to live by Mee ay: “as I approach young fh manhood, sys = G \ | ¢ J Me first! Help me make the bittersweet transition ‘from widow with self-doubts to a ‘woman, in full bloom of love! : we ‘We heard there 2 \| WAITAMINIT!| This calls for al were a wise flashback! priest out here, Cn you help me h\ > cope wif the C’n you say| melancholy of a few clever ) [advancing years?) words over mah busted As {But making me candle 100,000 balls for our Olympie |) Ping-Pong team is real chicken- droppings. Wood-Tick, you ask if you should share your brother's burdens. Is the Pope| imprudent raising voice to Vegetating. pp [Can't T ever get a straight "#%! i answer from Panda pass waste in the woods? Git ‘em al, boys. This i= cattle country! We can’t have pigeons ruinin' good] \ beef-grazin’ land! out of it! The cattlemen are ‘stampedin’ our pigeons over a ( T saved some of the pigeons| for enti’ Yer right Sneaked ‘em Vetter alter} [They"s killin’ into our herd | their brands| | my pigeons! disguised as to look like Pion a gonna do somethin"? Knock off the Hey, you! Lady dirty pigeon farmer! daydreams, Clear out! Chinaman. You an’ me | gonna hev a showdown! Tmready | — {Watehit, Charlie. He | ennytime you got more junk than are, Chinaman! | any other pitcher in At aay |_the Toxas League. r Marziage is a big step. Must consult Venerable| (., Give ita try, ej of flashback | /Charlie. I know| for ten-years | | ‘he'll want to Sho BREAKING & ENTERING PANDORA'S BOX afew crazigesses about the future by HARLAN ELLISON =| DATLYS=-SURVIVOR1O NEW YORK’S ONLY NEWSPAPER Resnicoffs eases ‘New York, Europe Foomday, March 26,2073 WEATHER; Warm, chance of oat CLEVELAND MAY RELEASE P.A.W.S BOMBERS CONTINUE TO POUND AKRON Stories on Page 2 INVENTOR'S WIFE BEATEN TO DEATH WITH LACE DOILY s.. Page 3 RELEASED PAWS TALK TO REPORTERS — Capt. Wal den Pond (loft) and First Sergeant William “Killer” McRampage, recently released by the enc- my as a sign of their ness to talk peace, tell press conference of the massive readjust: ments the returning PAWs (PhysicallyAltered Warriors) will have to make as a result of their participation in the Third Genetic War. (AP Wirephoto). TOP NIXON AIDE KISSINGER IS ALIVE IN ARGENTINA °°: 3"2"%s WRITERS: TONY ISABELLA, CARLA JOSEPH, GERRY CONWAY, STEVE SKEATES. DAILY SURVIVOR ii, ping ai: | il, cin OS paeemear CoE TWO RELEASED P.A.W.S [ose lane | eave vn ected = BRING HOPE OF PEACE IN OHIO | psi=sCizucicor't | tats Sri price | MEW MEMORIAL ae, et attt | catty acer | wernt ethers | tte One gar | eam om of ‘talking tothe gathered mem | offer two weeks before the | times worse, The guar believed to be a thousand or EXCLUSNE magi tn the Hote BOMBING CONTINUES, SO DO PROTESTS WASHINGTON, D.C. | and konched the era out of INTERVIEW WITH) & tier veroute ate {APr=Despite mounting | teu. Tae crew baled ee friicam at home, Ears | ty tbe swallowed hele MIND-TAPPING | Sistine crsny ase American tembers contin | by the notorious man-eting ; npn the cma ty o¢| age tine ain Akton day omatempt ts | fs Washington, picket SUSPECT Or What ao you hn of : = ener gin dea know ibreethe Cert regimes | sottn edt pen the oe trent. ‘eoumse the Prey Peace | of Sai on enemy ein ct Faia 5 oN diate: Hv ie Valin The giant 8.2278 | ing the muber of helpless Survivor reporter. the lead. | seo. Right ere i that a ‘Julin | Movie starlet Jane Fondie Sr ate e | nruadonal cteddate manor ng | Health and hee iki 100% fr President) scree ta qoainte en Thied | toprotest increased Fond'Tux | _ Mwicel comedy “The Life Iertbe greatest lender neve peace talks. | on Guppien ace page 13 | an Ties of Richard Speck in, Hom do you feel about | sowmned, Assailant eecapes | believed the utiate nur | Vice Saad burts Student ‘Predrich Fath, ‘safe for our children. Peking scientist. ‘New figuresshow crimes of | husdred unlicensed bare '@: Why do you support the | evidence that food was used | violence are lower than in facts exhibited with eyes, Fries leaders, They clei: | tonne Sow Pope Paul XXXVI der | ways to educate college st atest Vice Sd ra Yestarday a of Conneme- or tering wo the Depart ‘mont sf Eavioameatl Con roles ot tater tribe etoce that ops end ‘itor oyroduets have ae SS the sc fonds Known to patio ovr am oem i berod ef ine Ta ens (serps oth. only ogseie ood inowo. net to conan faa croaasae nbck tum you into Rubber Duck feTR bra food tax bas een SIAMESE TRIPLET WEDDING PLANNED FOR AUGUST: CCHARMIN TRIPLET HEIRESSES TO MARRY PAWS TRIPLETS Chastity. Chart. and Chesie tre Chari, sole bass 20 fo the PLEASABLE. SQUEEZE frtane yl ea Sltmese pte dwarf PAWS lage Bashy and Slepy laced on euppis t_sub ae rog tsmers. However {his tai boi protete by the Guppy GROWERS OF ‘AMERICA. Am estimated se 2.708 upper day {2 Sopgeoted for elim ally regalromgate, Local $B go te Fagen sruppyrnunt sore card hich White of Orange. Connty, Hollywood. The wedding wi take placeat Tiniey Halland the foven foot brides wt ‘eit Plasticine orns mass prodveed by Reynolds pate A for owt sips pie bas been Grind for the mention Shire, Charmin, teen of fhe ‘bidewtotbe, made ls foreane developing thease ip meshed for producing feuvatle PLEASADLE SQUEEZE paper, The sextet Pinna cospend ta boneymecn DAILY SURVIVOR sours roam of Se DesSENTS Unfortunate sicurtion as aroen with regard to the wed. teed brides and grossa ‘ot li si proper ae with theit prospective Spouses, This presents pro ita eh the schangie tre mused to be sent to Eten other Top cereal ‘pecilitshave berm all {n'rom sound the word to find elation tte prob Bs Dar abby: Tam a rven:foot Siamese {epiet Ameson sto wed fr twenty-nine inch PAWS Svnmese tapet dat sod 1 havea prolem. Sy wedsing bas beem ot for aga Wr might be eed a tinged srs have brome ‘hanged oh tw anced Site and ee dot ie wp correctly with out iMhendede Mant ele Sremfisag te pertrm he SS ol mont creinls lead to certain pretiems Noted protocol specialists Rrvsbeenconsltebutthe sade weary i Tim hi wo ot Seitintee see ay Soe tr ves fk. What ould Spartan fom ‘Sy snes wow prove fal @ slber ae ae would my Incende spagation fom His Wrether Pace arg Sorbie th ally hear tr il ely ic twee Sot be'wod Pest, plese, ein met Felewts, CHASTITY Dear Chast ‘his ia indeed a i Surry" more than one ride” Peshape your ne fended could convince is brothers to renounce thelr claims om your sisters and hen he could marry all ree of you. After all, these snae be other Sam xe tripletsin ne Wort or them fo marry. camey Dest Gab My besten i thirieen and berate Bo Souls fo ight ngainet Cleveland He want to nat for im te ream home bat 1 think el get about me sen as be une a coupes gl pe What da you thin DISTRUSTEUL tude, Your boyfriend five to forget about you ‘one ele who le neigibe Tor the Boy Seouts, Prefer iy a Feog Trainer, Mind ‘Pre NUPTUALS PLANNED: DING TO WED SON OF *wiLOcaT” Dr, and Mrs. Fras Ding Sooo of ee deaghi- Bonay 121) Adam Hunter ae) only am of the Maj Gem Adam (ident) nie, Teale of he Past Boy Scouts Crusede exalt Clevelond: ‘The. incensed goon was rcs elon Eom the St. Dieney Hospital ‘ere underwent the ite Cansplaat ase © hangar here The ying i sh te Yor dune 16 and tho hap By couple will chen Jump t0 {vay ones rena Jon i Habe nd barrack for Siaming PAAWsa, deter ‘Sher, and alan siding BOOE Reviews WHEN JOHNNY [cones sQuIRALING HOME by Kenneth Stor shar (Organ Bank Books: 548.9) hie purr tory ofa young war herds {estima rete ome has til the charms and wit ofa fhree weak old Bello pad Marsbarscharcters ait ed dayielding, highly Sinbeltevable ins manner et sonieds e reviewer uch classe nego fetion Blockbunters. a8 ONCE UPON a'TiM i MIAMI, WISCONSIN by last sear Not flack. MasDanald mecened' ree tle which vor of Law Ones sir ‘herent peace The pt SESQUIRSLNG tan otdone boy lors arma: lope, eves steighted down wth medal heart nd lune machine Sind an addi cion to potaens futaand tonto re otbich ‘elliche lone bfre ewes dat into the Bey Scouts Inve tier to do this be fe hte hy hi young er, feluges from a Cleveland anerretinty, and om od acalewe tien fe the ‘warhoroienever made Sean tho thie restomer tempting a bit of heavy hassel sctolinn shes be fateed the eh tan "Spt Te you any erase ero- lat ourself on the cheapest Siem of sentsentliay the mote hoary tear jerking ches ard ned seshine then by all means evote SQUIRRING. "Thin TANICEDOGLIKE YOU, (Gani Serie fo Adebessent Baye, is quite another matter The svi asthor Tepity ewer, haw esp: ford fly the lehhearted grade ‘readers we ail Hevenper aus lore. Ne triegy plot-iniets for eld Rowwow, no ait! Juste mpl tral orward dog eeuy, beygiverdon Ie, dog buries une dog digeup-bone kind of plot Soret oukis oo aioe eal with the etal eatin ‘Though: Wis eve dsc ba ‘row see nonlytic Se notte takeapri hs i goods fan ope Slally the pure where yung ‘Timmy saves ic mastet fron ‘hone ef motant wpa Mighty ‘eecoutmended ter (alder yoo and ol np Rise. citeac ne. Me GETS ALL WET by ‘Agatha Chrttine Sent) Pb, Loodononahe lars: Pte; $68.98). This atest Hereales Prat potion proves thatthe Cound Ok Tayo daieten tin il capable abe cet ss. Though the her have Thong the valine Her ‘siesbat a Thisone—Mic Christine bath Heres lin s ming bow! of ‘Bch orndncivenne the famed Eagerant Sees entre ne ets (and eke en Seng roel Dolly" and Thee Gettysburg Agdrese ‘peiled baka Seve Sie tmiste~yea be plese to'know that this tne the sual Agha Chie it Fardhe Engish Language = ‘air hteasue send Ree ended forthe Bnd DAILY SURVIVOR FEATURED EVENTS FOR THE WEEK Moxpay itt NOP Phibarmencs en foal benele forthe def ad Gomb"st AGAIN HALL. raves tates soa luther popularized rca ACLDLANG SYNF andthe STAR SPANGLED HAN’ NER Guten Eleanor of the Briish mpi of Wales, President Hie ftom the Re- pubic of Moston and Dr. Kote, cated Seslopa of ‘he Hs Ranchero Bears Siberia, wil attend. Tika 3 Saud TUESDAY In hover of Pallion Day Smoke bombs nl be at af st SANITATION SQUARE, ‘corms am cm #0 core nd onjoysimalaed smo, ftom Loe Angels, chien, New York and Howton. WeoNesoay There will Se eontinuons Shooto af Xrated ins fe fering sotie views Of eer, ‘rms aos, and meth 8 ‘ouamde ef compromising ‘apressions uncensored by rake rasiio eh ft HOBOKEN PALLADI: nt ellowing which noted rots TASTEY SQUEEZE. Weil ives bareiaced reading ol the Gutishere Ader The how 9 be to aponar by the Ant Datamation Tease ane the lp tears brane othe Rad Cros THURSDAY ‘Ail sadiate Gis abet ‘ted vo Cental Park to pa fen te pares Pana ‘The Anal PAWS Parade trl take place own th ‘Reson prcotinn’ 008 ura ignore SATURDAY. ‘Tha Sharh Shooting eason pens onthe Harem end oe Rivers SUNDAY Gerla Pageant wil be ‘elnasted at St, Disney's Cathedral in Brockiyn aie THIS WEEK IN BOOKS: IBSTSELLING PLASTIC-BACKS MOVIE REVIEWS TARZAN GOES 70 MINNESOTA (Warner Bron 38minl."Thireense 200th appearance inthe vis fal tmedlum—not counting he varios ils, tok ‘Saves! na athe appeer tances made by the famed Aisican here belors the Baighsnment—aed vet hetamewiejunk Ho mary foot il we have to watch ‘Treat leap upon the back of shout the dreaded words UMBEGO! UNBEGO, LUMBAR??? Hew mang diamond:thieves, breaking “heir rifles and shattering excellent performance by Sharada Wh the ‘ohere the tedaanene othe eledeama One welecmne ‘addition tothe painfully fiir cae fe Boch, Tar ican of rain follow: {ng the Went Attn Atom Hotociost speaks Quant Bel- iianese, This one's fr the Kidtiea, We rate itu be ‘ruped 1 bolorrane GONE WITH THE BREEZE (Pucct Films, Tee 42 ein) At ely at Uplited serio of Margnset Miitchell's famous novel thout military-imdustrial emplenes! The sesmahe of the 1899 classe features WaldePrendasthe charming ae Buti, n thi sero ‘cabboge salesman in pre: ataclysm Cleveland, and Keiatine Rrnss ae Scarlet Otlara, owner of «poplar tai Ril becuse rd ch rte taste ofthe original nove ix missing from thie iombudget independent pro duction bur the flor Ereatars ave tara than ‘made ‘ep for these defen fies by aetng the tire foovie inne a renovated Sement mizer. Whosiye org ‘naltg eTocking inns Unk? hologram far the whole fail! om TV. ustines 1d geton! An. ht News Wenther.and | Gapthstdy of he ais se Herter omacke shen) Be bene anetor | 1090 ‘rege Seren ch dt Loreen ralhrortetoremed chm fom tc Martian nd fears | ue Sces | ame! eto Hertectae Bevion Bho Prane-nitsctioncomedy~ | leitersen thn 0 h2—rtovetuey—resun | thi nuniht tak shew da guseicde SE Mowe:-rietane | Att fice Gnd Pra Sd whee thi fms ow trusts Slory but samy, tod: mensional neler’ tle {Em (gute popular during the tthe troubled feanane Each ce fm at {Slvsin-- caret hotbed fal snd Saneesned has, (hor the ear, demonstrated {Thmenda deawbecks “older for ox ple, crete unbebeable on moat lower” ase rai Hovis, ‘howe cimenainal versions of wells television ne toed walang around in ee amos and repping ass hel rugs oot too mech or he marty af ue pbc to ope with, The imaginary ‘ainales withthe teal and Jerse abound. Hove can Shooerile be expected to somplaly taners her, ond {nated eaters to the whims ‘THE Be Viege and eyewe ey ‘Waren Savin atenally dented "cham of Mary Tyler Moore (ond She's only rerant ‘many problems when ‘ie ype of TY. es fs nto Sheed, may hgh-strna ce ton comedies mere ctl Fappening”in"thelr own Rowe Uemedlstsy. (ci cate vndertandai 1 eh ‘Stoned sade ‘Ont other hand, cassette ‘1¥s in sue peel foo, id sien, wilh wha. won ore ‘le, "tievaan "commer laa” Neary all cooomia ‘alte thi aden douth of ‘Commercials tobe te me ruse of the foal econo ‘linge oar oun suleed ‘thrown daring the ine twen Wah and erty twenty fst ‘ont tad few po Ble bought casuie newt ro. {Boma Thus the wre went shadow of a t2ee, created hme of the worse problems tur eocaty hor eer tae Fortin rder to nly To faive a sation, one hes fo {oso even dretion wd remain sated tht way ih fue moving Hs het in the ‘Mgmnt Tien, "co change ‘Ghannels he hse to raps tit hi nck, 16 dees at the very leet, and then ‘pain i that postion. The fas proven oe ver uncom foratie. Ye sddton the were personal tous stem cause ftarlerence with Eis ception, “Those few erdent TY, viene ho’ wont ot and i Fon obama 0 fer to improve thar recep {ion cant in uy opinion be fonder be anything bt ‘Ser felt they ow oul probably be eaotinaay Eting thr action oy Ey ed engi bri Tt ealise whet they have ioe to hema, "The only question that ro rains then steam the pe eotsay word cope ih at sone TV? And wil mtwonk {Shewiaen bring witht the feintoduction father in ‘Sac nations ofthe two {th 'eentury-such asthe emily. the station wagon Specsigest appearance" [othe Achar Treacher Stacy” Breen Ra ert" bioronty Ba Be ‘fied dave ble tho ets ETS mn with say ace fon ell inown na ‘Sees eoed on btn, 20 sont Hey Fone se ‘nambrn 1790, TT 4-04 Yous Ene | te et the ant the ‘Ceti a Who ee The i he ec, ake oka ir ‘Ringed sietherea | inthe exh are tno ready = Two emsoph ‘Reena pane arc sc cavencee drama Amen “Sandra” 12) biography "ky tng (0. Scere ‘aa apen Cun hous ‘ERS THE MUTANT MESS SRERTRA’ TART AUTCHELE BOT "EN thy FlSwens aaa PEACENUTS HE Tey Taawrengs] [mays Teg 1eTHE enw | | Seton teil ‘AD. (AFTER DEVASTATION) OE oe ide ee MLE Wis MMUTATED INTO & Be 4 DNA Bova, ONLY of a OER! PRNcess COUP RESTORE HIM iS TRUE FO! Ne Day & BEAUTIES fa Tors ued as pnoecou| BEng 4 kine Paxson. SUE MISSED I BS enbemCy Bomber Bailey FIRST RIGHT? DONT WORRY, Kis. vou LL ey OUR SAE Fin DAILY = SURVIVOR? INTHE WORLD NEW YORK'S ONLY NEWSPAPER ‘New York, Europe 10022 Foomday, March 26,2073 NEW RECORD IN OLYMPIC MIDGET TOSS JEFFERSON | WALLBANGER AWARDED GOLD-PLATED MEDAL Lo eee! Story on page 63 Photo: D. Hunt JASON BLUNT ELECTED TO PRO MANSLAUGHTER HALL OF FAME. the 7-time winner of the Charles Manson Award for Professional Manslaughter was today voted into the Hall of Fame. At left, one of his most famous plays, the never-again: duplicated audience drive-in massacre of 2065. Story on page 62. You thoral Sto In the name the law! wi fs Whitay!Pigh Enslaver of my pooplet Good German! Citizen of ‘Amerika Honky! ike, one man’s rip-off ts another man's revolution. | mean, IV Right on, brothers! people finally doing something about the social oppress in our fotr land L__pleying Un Middle-Class ion that exists | | will finally wake up tees you peo Hey, hold it o minute, man! If this gig Is colled ‘The Lighter side of Racial hen how come Yessir! Mark my words, rica Brotherhood when it sees | i there'll be a new day of | [HELP POLICE! That's use thats on | wi Thonn} |tct tence hous brnna-| | Bbreeeansy | ae Siam eey | | elena Settee | | ear ee Be oN yak =the PRESIDENTI! Still hore? Well then, another way we're never going to insult your intelligence is by publishing a cheapie- type feature with « nume even remotely resembling... FOTO SLICK PAPE! i. HE NERVE TO TRY 7D SPICE UP COLLeSE TYEE fue MAGAZINE Li 1ES5, UNFUNNY PHOTO FEATURE... 5, { 18€ COLLEGE-TyeE wumae é THIS ONE. CARE IF A BUNCH OF FREEBIE PHOTOS, EEP OOWN THE COST OF THE MAGAZINE! ee eee ee ee ee are ee ee list the possibility of our ever printing a whole page of— Isn't that a beautiful sunri ‘Come on in, deor! The water's fine! Gee, Rod... 1 don't ‘see how you can stand to draw this crud, day in and day out! SHUSH-UP! This is the last time I let you pick out our travel ogent! SHUSH-UP! Do you know of an easier way for @ cartoonist to make a buck when he can't draw and hes no sense 2 ‘And, in conclusion, wa tock a vote and decided that one of tho aforementioned foatur revolting that we want toond this section by vowing and reaffirming that we will nes to the temptation to do not one, but a whole FUNKIES) is 10 obnoxious and ‘never, NEVER yiald NO! Z KNOW IT'S 7) Of ui STILL wor WHILE THEYRE WATCH TRE NO ‘YOU MEAN, BY TAKING OFF my T-SHIRT FOL BE Shale A Beow Bde reecuonn Se THE Press, tHe BILL OF RIGHTS, BN He WHOLE OIT/# ‘hse, Hew deeedt ther widen geutakl Am banter? a GREAT AMERICAN DREAM We've alse got this clectrified gate, to keep out | undesirenbles ....you know. like | Blacks, Gypsies, Druids, whatever. Big Brother's got our own Police Department, and our own courte. Try'em and Fry'em, as we say. Sort of a local jake. fous of your range] oh? Then I have just what you ‘ed. Quiet "Town's called] Big Brocher, You'll just ig Brother also bas its own standing army with a running] You hate the eity, don't ‘you? You retired of being mugged every Tuesday, Thureday, and ‘Alvernate Friday But that won't Dappen in Big Brother. Ob You're sick of all the noises: Addiets OD-ing, people screaming scream! Only night —when [ youre trying to sleep. dhe may be a trating or | LA thepharerd | sing be | Help ieetaly | Nerbotent Big Brother bel ‘peaceful sere that our home owners B sorgot the outside world ‘and its problems, its chaos, Ite freedoms, is only goodness and light —ie's like living in Disneyland, only veth Death Troops patrolling the area for your security| Security. Th Since we don't permit Blacks within Big Brother.you'll he secure knowing ‘whem your daughter is raped, it will be by one of your oxn neighbors, Won't that be a relic!? the key word. Big Brother dream ‘oun... why} i the Great American “that’s protected 4 You'll never have to worry with Big| guarded, monitored |) Brother watching Trugge,iafiteated over vou, Mr ‘- Wil ‘And when your son starts shooting| speed, youll be eseure knowing he wasn't turned on by some slime-ridden pusher. but by the fine citizenry board made up of your friends, Well love you, protect you. We will be your mother, your father, you ‘tale, your world, With us it will be as if you swore in the womb cain Say ¢ vou want us to oat Eng 39 ‘Want us (0 eradle you Me SS se Ter oN cen sees Easiest pean ena CRMs BIN snkpHenD lay t0 be actuated which TOKYO (UPI) Honda | prevents the ear from start Motors announced today | ing. A prototype is und that they are experiment: [construction and will be ing with ® device to deal | tested shortly. Honda did with the problem of drunk: | not say what would happen ch driving, It consists of a /:f someone else in the car, | specially treated platinum | say a mother-indaw in the alloy dise which ‘when eat, had been drink ted in the center ofthe steer- y did say that re- tects the pres: | sir test would be lon the breath | announced as soon as avail rer, causing. a ro | able. PU co Cee Con ee Pree ite eee ee ee eae eee ee ee a er a Ce cee ay Pee ne ere oe te Cre eet mee ry that being told by your hardtop GT that you've made a horse's ass of yourself tonight smacks of re eee ee Oe a ea ek eRe Cnet en emetic ean TT Re eee a Cn ee ees eee a ae eee ear ne eer eae eee er a ee ee ey holl of a lot of ways to prang a Buick that don't involve drinking at all. | can see a headline a fow Pec that a new Gevice to detect excessive battling, in the car will be "The Uproar M fie it hae beon termed, is ow in prota willbe. announced Naturally, after the installation of both the Martini Meter and the Uproar Meter act ron OE ene he een ee ot Cee Cat eee eee sec ea eee oe into the causes will continue at spiraling expense. It will then be discovered that large numbers of accidents occur due to guys dozing off behind the wheel. It is a well-known fact that many brains Ce ae Ce ee oe ae eC eae) overdose of unbroken, steady Hard Rock. For example, a dri PRT ey LDX 1750 Zotsmobile, as sober as a judge. In fact, he has refrained from drinking for for Deon nee Coe eee ra CS a Ce ee Cece en ly hunches over tho wheol, conscious thet at any moment the Zotz may pull the plug on him. Bore- COE acetone ee Perea Ponce red Pee ree get ic eee ee ee es eR ot 28 By the following year drivers of new cars, surrounded by Martini Meters, Boredom detectors, ct ore he likes it or not, grabbing him in an octopusslike grip actuated by Selsen ee Eee Cee LUM ears Ce eee te eer ere ee ene e again Nader's crowd will ride full ery into the fray. Within two weeks of the delivery of the eres eee WAGGA rg Pea Ny RD lee WN 3 To (RGR LY DISASTER ERMINED CAUSE OF AUTO CRASHES Si A NEX ie - Kr) wa i Stone sober, icy calm, alort and gelded, within a month of the delivery of their new Norgemot XD/712 Zuds, two drivers, Anton Klautski, 67, of Glendale, California and A.J. (Bucky) Whipper: snade, 19, of West Peapack, Now Jersey, will have both mysteriously splattered themselves and their Zuds over their respective turnpikes. ‘AUTO ACCIDENTS CONTINUE TO MOUNT NATIONWIDE. PRESIDENT NADER EXPRESSES CONCERN. Cee Re eee eee Re Cn CRS a eee! causes. Thirteen months pass as an anxious world awaits. (1.33) DAILY DISASTER wii. AGE FACTOR IN ACCIDENT RISE, COMMISSION FINDS | — a WOT a ee opening ey pot Coc een) be die like flies on the highways, causing consternation on every side. Three days after his new Ken- yen Crocoblast hardtop was delivered, 36-year-old, clear-eyed, abstaining, non-amatory, complete- ly calm Marty Buglebaum was tooling along US 66 at the ready. He turned to his friend Max and Pen Ur a ard Rw 4 4 Ze pos POLITICS LARGE ROLE IN ACCIDENTS Notional statistics bear out suspicions voiced recently by President Nader that registered Democrats are Involved in a far more significant number of accidents than Republicans. In fact, 74.4% of fatalities in the last calendar year were porticipated in by Democrats, the National Underwriters’ publication WHY? charged yesterday. Senator G.L. Fignewton (Rep., Montana) demanded immediate Congressional action. President Nader promised his unqualified support Naturally, industry would immediately swing into action and within a short time would produce its infal- Tes ee RU Ca one ee eee eT Peo m eT ae Ce a Cee ey ee eC ee OR Cee a LC Pe er Lr ST ee oe ee nee Se eee Cae et eae Rec ne a Cee t POC o tent ee eee ee eS CeCe nec tee aan ay Quaker pacifist, member of no known political party, while driving with her friend Helena Camambort was involved in the following: Why? Whats wrong with the chocolate: ) _Youknow, Helene: covered cherries wo've buon having? And! think we ought to consider ‘onyway, everybody likes them bridge mix for tho noxt ees cord porty at my ploce That's true. Did you notice how fot Clorice is getting? And toll hor about him if she's 0 coity! Sometimes | can't stand the way she shows. tot k 1 save coming out of the Pig And Whistle? With this busty, blowsy-looking blonde! Really! Right here in town? Well ‘con hardly wait to tell NATIONAL SCANDAL! FATAL ACCIDENTS HIGHEST IN HISTORY! ee See Ce eee CO Lea Cee Lea WOMEN LEAD MEN 2-1 Statistics proved a startling foct yesterday before men in fatal crashes,” he slated before television the Senate Investigating Committee id by Rep- reporters today. President Nader, when informed, is- resentative Harold J. Upshaw of Rhode Island. "We sued an immediate Presidential decree banning wom- have to face the fact at last that women far outnumber en from the road. Ce ee ea Ck eee oe ere eed ee Ree LL ee eee ie ete ee teeter ae eee tee hours of the new legislation thirty-six more catastrophic accidents occurred in scattered parts of the Ce UR et ert keer ee et eee on Cnr ae rca wooks of doliboration at the Princeton Institute of Higher Thinking, a top-level conclave of scien: tists, writors, artists, engineers, doctors, and the coaches of two leading professional football teams ee RUC ee Te Alter reviewing all available material and only af crash a person wos involved. President Nader today ter consulting with all known experts from around the made his position clear. He banned all human beings world, we have determined thot in every case of fatal from automobiles under penalty of life imprisonment. BY MARV WOLFMAN WHO’S WHO Until you bought this book, you prob- ably never heard of CRAZY Magazine. In fact, almost 99% of America's read- ing public will probably never hear of CRAZY. Frankly, this bothers us. You see, according to our figures, we have to sell our magazine to every home in the United States, Canada, and Upper Volta just to break even. If we actually want to make a profit, we also have to sell copies in Iceland, Norway, Brazil and Gary, Indiana. So our problem is how do you sell a magazine which no one has ever heard of? Our answer: We splurge our entire $32.50 budget on *BIG NAMES*. You see, °BIG NAMES* sell. People know BIG NAMES" and because they know ‘the names, they will buy a magazine which features them even thougn they have never heard of the magazine. Our first *BIG NAME* contributor is FRANK KELLY FREAS. You know he's. a *BIG NAME* because anyone who ses his middle name has got to be im- portant. Kelly is a well-known painter, forger, counterfeiter and shoe sales” man. His covers have appeared in Ana- log as well as in other science fiction magazines, His work has also been seen in that semi-obscure imitation of CRAZY Magazine they call Mad. VAUGHN BODE, whose art is on our back cover, is also a "BIG NAME®. His cartoons appear in almost every issue of The National Lampoon, and readers fof Cavalier, 2 dirty men's magazine, JEG SHEE E A THE FERRARI JEAN SHEPHERD leer at his sexy strips each issue as well. Vaughn's work has also graced Underground Comix, Magazines, and Subway Cars. Our next "BIG NAME® is JEAN ‘SHEPHERD, whose radio show is syn- dicated over the entire known uni- verse, had a television show that was Probably shown on the one station your TV doesnt pick up, has written for ev- ery other magazine in the world, has won the annual Playboy Humor Writ- cer's Award each year for the past five centuries, and has just published his latest collection of stories under the collective title of The Ferrari In The Bedroom, Last, but not least (or so he claims), Is Harian Ellison, well known writer of Science Fiction, Television, Movies, short stories, limericks, pornography, and, when he's run out of ideas for ev- ‘erything else, comic books. Now that we've finished hyping our BIG NAMES®, there are still the little people to fill you in on. ‘STU SCHWARTZBERG and MIKE PLOOG, co-producers of Kung Foo are identical Siamese Twins separated at birth and then raised a continent apert. Though these two brothers have ever met, they still keep in constant touch by a three-thousand mile long strand of skin the Doctors unfortunate- ly overlooked. ROY THOMAS, who wrote Features We'd Be GRAZY To Print, is Editor of the entire Marvel Comics Group, a vast secret military complex dedicated to the overthrow of Philadelphia DON McGREGOR and HERB TRIMPE, North Korean amputees, worked alongside JEAN SHEPHERD toproduce our An Independent Survey Today Announced which begins on Page 27. Care packages for our two orphans will be accepted in care of Marvel Comics. TONY ISABELLA, CARLA JOSEPH, GERRY CONWAY, STEVE SKEATES, DAVE HUNT and MARIE SEVERIN, ali of whom worked on The Daily Survive our future newspaper feature, are midgets who once co-starred in the Barnum and Bailey Elephant Act~play- ing the elephant. Each night they would don a large grey suit and run out into the center ring and squirt water at the clowns. Tiring of that meaningless li of work, they packed their trunk (Carle, It must be noted, was the trunk) and came to New York to join the CRAZY MARV WOLFMAN, our editor, and a firm believer in nepotism, hired nis wife, Michele, and a bunch of friends to produce CRAZY’s first far-out Fu: ‘metti, The Great American Dream. (What's a Fumetti, you ask? Well, in Italian, it means either Puffs of Smoke, of Hey, Joe, You got some gum? Fuimet- tiis also the name given to photograph- 9 com strips in many other foreign countries) ‘© VAUGHN BODE LEN WEIN, son of a flea surgeon and 2 cream cheese sandwich, along with ROSS ANDRU and his pet giraffe, VIC MARTIN, combined their questionable talents to ‘spo!’ The Upseidawn Ad- venture. And lastly, let us not forget (although we try) BOB FOSTER, who contributes the first in a seemingly never-ending series on the “History Of The Moose.” For those of you who wish to do fur- ther study into Moose lore, may we ‘suggest Bob's Myron Moose Funnies, {an underground comix now in its sec: ond big issue If we've left any of our contributors out of this column, they probably weren't too important anyway. Thank you for coming to the Grand ‘Opening of CRAZY Magazine, and we hope you'll be here for our next issue when we reveal the startling. secret that the Earth has only 40 days to live, See you in two months. ‘Conteen valer wasdngaiaalae ate. On New Year's Eve, the S.S. UPSEIDOWN, on the last leg of an excursion tour from BUCHENWALD to BAYONNE. NEW JERSEY and on its last legs just about every OTHER way as well, suffered a disaster unparalleled in the annals of DISASTERDOM— a disaster only a handful of people would SURVIVE— a ee romeo ‘xe 7 Ff Muncy and Betey Rats Bit - ARTISTS: ROSS ANDRU/VIC MARTIN. PARTIES—but thisis RIDICULOUS! ‘ORGANIZED! | ry to FALL in rows of TWO! 4 SUSPENDERS, Harry—but you R never LISTEN! ‘Wh-wn-what AHAPPENED to 4 the SHIP? ‘Weil get TERMINAL

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