INTRAGALACTIC LIBRARIAN!

Daniel L. Messer

ONE

OTHER DUTIES AS ASSIGNED

The monitor came to life, rousing itself out of the torpor of the inactivity cycle. I looked up, half

interested in whatever might appear. Sure enough, another request for information. Ya know, you'd

think that everyone would know how to use the interstellar directory. You can get anything on the ID,

you just gotta know how to ask.

I smiled my “they pay me to do this” smile and asked how I could help. Turns out, all they wanted

was the coordinates for Beta Centauri. It took all of, what? 1.2 seconds to find that? I'd normally

reserve that information over in some kind of ready reference pile, but like using the ID, you'd think

everyone would know how to get to Beta Centauri.

“Yes, it's lovely. Big? Oh yes. Right. Uh-huh. Yes variable stars are interesting. Can I help you

find anything else? No? Okay, take care!”

 Killing the link I returned to my reading. Time plodded on and the screen went black again,

kicking over into low power mode. Some time later, the bell went off and the monitor popped into

glow. Dammit, I thought, what now? Turning away from my work I saw the small red lamp, flashing

away on the desk.

“Hrm, an internal call,” I said to myself and the semi-illuminated hallway that doubled as a

workroom. I hadn't had one of those since, well... Have I ever had one of those? I couldn't remember.

Other branches rarely called this one because of its remoteness. Orbiting some couple hundred

million kilometers away from your average class M star and floating about twenty light years from

anything interesting... Well, let's just say this branch of the Galactic Public Library and Information

Centre wasn't on the road to anything even approaching interesting.

That's why I was here. Speak truth to Power, and they transfer your ass out into the backwaters of

the cosmos. I guess they figured me to be old-fashioned, and thus stuck me out in this equally old-

fashioned recycled starship serving as head librarian to empty space and supervising a android Page

named Jessica. They probably thought it fitting, dumping me out here with all the archaic items in the

GalPLIC collections. My argument that books should be preserved even after computer conversion

fell upon the deaf ears of the right thinking, and forward moving, Directorate. So they gave me two

days to either pack up and ship out or face a termination board.

Granted, my argument for preservation included referencing the Directorate's maternal lineage and

their assumed professions.

So I packed and moved out here where almost every shelf was built off kilter by some idiot with

his own three hands. I shored them up with various bits of fauxwood lying around. That ten tier

monstrosity, filled with the historical epics of the Larettha, almost buried me underneath it. Don't get

me wrong, I love history. And the Larettha are a nifty species, what with their iridescent skin and

piercing green eyestalks. I even dated one while attending the university and finishing up my degree

in Library Science and Intragalactic Information Architecture.

 That doesn't mean I want to die underneath their hand lettered genealogies.

Straightening my shirt I sauntered over to the link and punched the answer button. The monitor

went full power and my coordinator appeared onscreen. Chauncery was a thin, balding man, probably

60 standard years old. He wore suits costing more than I made in six paycheques, and they still

looked like he slept in them after an all night bender. He's officious, bureaucratic, administrivial, and

petty. Other than that, he's an okay guy.

“Skylar,” he said, sounding quite the muckity-muck, “how's things?”

“Decent,” I said, “I managed to shut Jessica off when she wasn't paying attention so it's been fairly

quiet around here.”

“Good, good,” he didn't give the slightest bit of a damn. Listen, I'm sending a supply ship out

early this time around. Belijan has to take some time off...”

“His mate about ready to hatch that brood, huh?” I said. Belijan is the courier delivering the

groceries and picking up the odd item I send out of here from time to time. He's nice, and usually

stays around for an hour or so, talking and drinking. He provided the distraction I needed to hit

Jessica's power switch without her noticing.

Jessica found herself shipped out here to Periphery Branch because something in her

programming supresses her ability to shut up. It got really bad there for a couple of days. Robots,

after all, don't need to take a breath between sentences. She's a hard worker and got this place set up

nicely as she scootered around on her mono-ball drive. She just never quits talking.

Belijan's mate, Namkala, had been ready to hatch her young for the last five months. Apparently,

Halcion gestational periods run for some time.

“Yes,” Chauncery adjusted his tie. It didn't help. “He's on his homeworld now, so we've got a temp

making the deliveries, a mister... Johnson,” he said checking a handheld readout.

I smiled inwardly that Captain Bureaucrat couldn't remember such a common human name.

“Sounds good, when can I expect him?”

 “A few standard hours from now actually. So gather your shipment and have it ready.”

Shipment huh, I thought. Who's he kidding? One small crate of materials, one smaller crate of

recyclables, and a talkative android. Except they'd never take the android. Oh well, can't blame me

for trying. I shot everything else into the star. Garbage disposal is easy when you have a nearby star

and at least one working mass cannon.

A little back and forth along with ass kissing in proportions befitting a middle management flake,

and I packed up the crates. Hm, I wondered. New guy... temp worker... maybe he'll take the fraggin'

android. I loaded Jessica onto a low-grav cart and shuffled her off to the room near the docking bay.

A quick trip around the place and I had everything ready. I walked back to my desk and sat down,

thumbed the book to where I left off, and waited.

Some time later, the link fired up again and I pressed the answer button. A stout face flickered on

the monitor. He looked like he'd been in a bar fight or two, and lost both of them. Regular spacer, I

guess. They'll take whatever job you throw at them.

“Skylar Pedersen? Name's Johnson. I'm inbound with your supplies and need docking codes for

the lock.”

“Hey, Johnson. No worries. I'm transmitting the codes across the channel and you should have

them in just a couple of seconds.” My fingers tapped a few keys, relaying the code sequence.

“Got it,” Johnson said. “I'll be docking in five.”

Using my butt, I shoved the chair out from behind me and headed for the airlock. Halfway there, I

heard something. I work in a mostly empty starship supervising a damned empty library. I know the

sounds of this ship. I should not have heard what sounded like magnetic tow cables slamming into the

upper hull near the bridge.

Raising an eyebrow I jogged over to a viewscreen mounted on the wall and called up the exterior

view. Sure enough, a medium size freighter was moving in to dock, with three tow cables streaming

out from its hard points.

 “Son of a bitch,” I snapped. “The bastard's trying to lift the entire library.”

I sprinted back to my desk and yanked open the bottom drawer. I threw a couple files over my

shoulder and grabbed the ion blaster I kept underneath it. It came as a surprise to the Directorate that

books are actually quite valuable in certain sectors of the galaxy. While they initially hesitated at

fulfilling my request for a MarkXI Turbo hand blaster, they acquiesced when I explained that I'd have

something to do on the target range downstairs. I figure they hoped I'd shoot something valuable and

they could fire me, or better yet that I'd just shoot myself.

I slammed a charger into it, and ran back to the airlock just as the docking alarm went off. He was

coming in. I guess he didn't want a librarian tagging along for the ride. I crouched around the corner

of the door, waiting. The alarms silenced and the airlock released the pressure, equalizing the insides

of my ship and his. As the door opened, I saw the blaster rifle in his hand and raised my gun.

He entered my ship as if he owned it. I hoped he'd figure that a librarian would be easy to take and

that might provide me some surprise. Fine. I took aim and pulled the trigger.

And the shot blasted right into the wall behind him.

Well, no one ever said I could shoot. He threw himself to the ground and brought his rifle up,

sending a round or two in my direction. Damn, I thought. So much for the couple hours I spent on the

target range. I decided an expeditious retreat was in order and high tailed it back to the entrance to the

stacks. I didn't want to put the books in jeopardy, but I figured I might be better off in the shelf-

works. No one knew them better than I did, except possibly Jessica.

Jessica...

Now there's an idea! Maybe I could switch her on and have her create a diversion. If nothing else

she could talk him to death and, at best, he'd blast her. The pirate interrupted my brainstorm when an

accelerated beam took a chunk out of the shelf to my left. I ran into the stacks and started weaving

through the shelves. Occasionally I'd fire a shot in his general direction, but I tried to stay moving.

Now was not the time to make a stand.

 I weaved into the port side exit out of the storage area and dashed back to the docking bay.

Leaving the area I heard the pirate cursing behind me, but I could tell he was having trouble finding

his way through the shelving. Hopefully, I thought, it'd be at least a minute or so before he found the

exit and it'd take him another few seconds to realize where I'd gone.

Grinding to a halt on the docking platform I grabbed the cart I'd loaded Jessica onto earlier and

shoved it out of sight of the door. Ducking down behind a few crates I blindly fumbled around her

metallic back until I felt the power switch. I flipped it to on and that damned happy sing-song voice

played out its normal routine.

“Power on and loading. I am the Johar Enterprises Sorting, Shelving, and Inventory Control

Android – JESSICA version 6.2. Please wait while personality systems are brough onli... Hey!

What'd you turn me off for, Skylar?”

“Jessica, for once in your existence, shut up!” I hissed under my breath and clapped a hand over

her vocal output. Her automated eyes narrowed, fixing me in that little confused glare she gets. I

peeked around the corner but saw nothing. I thought I could hear footsteps in the gangway but it was

hard to make them out over the ambient noise of a loading dock and a gregarious automaton still

vocalizing underneath my hand. I turned back to Jessica and put my finger over my lips.

“Jessica, listen to me dammit. There's some guy on board, a pirate. He's got tow cables latched on

to the hull of the ship and he's trying to either kill me or kidnap me. I don't know which, and I don't

care because neither of them sound particularly great.”

By this time I was sure I heard the sound of boots coming down the gangway outside the door.

“Wait a second, Skylar,” Jessica said, quietly for a change. The shock of hearing her voice in a

whisper made me whip my head back around to stare at her. She didn't seem to notice that though.

“You're telling me that we have a pirate on board and he's trying to steal the books?”

The footsteps were louder now. My pulse raced and I felt my palms go slick with sweat over the

pistol's grip.
 “Yeah. Judging by the sound, I'd say he's right outs...” I was cut off by the crack of a blaster rifle

and the smell of ozone as the bolt ripped through the air above me. I stuck my hand around the crates

and blindly fired a couple of shots. He sent another volley at me and I hunkered down, taking a look

around. Perfect, I'd worked myself into a corner. I couldn't get out of here because all that lay in front

of me was a couple stacks of crates. He blocked the only door out of the docking bay. I checked the

charge on my pistol and saw that I had probably another 15 shots left.

Everything went quiet for a minute, and that's what stunned me. No ray gun fire, no blaster fire,

and not a word out of Jessica. I turned to her with an idea for a diversion and found that she wasn't

there.

What the hell? Where'd she go? That miserable little android! I'm about to get killed out here in

the depths of space just because I was too dumb and stubborn to just let him take the damn books,

and my Page deserts me just when I needed her to take a couple shots in the chest while I tried to kill

the guy trying to kill me. This was most definitely not in my job description. I was ready to throw the

pistol out and think about how I'd negotiate a surrender just before a blast wave shot over my head

and the heat knocked me to the ground. Screw this, I thought, I'm not going down without a fight and

if he wants to haul out the big guns...

I didn't get to finish my thought when another heat wave threw me back against the crates. That's

when I realized the shots weren't coming from the direction of my attacker. I looked up from the

ground and gaped at the sight before me.

Jessica tore out from behind a stack of crates, not going around them, but through them, knocking

them aside and throwing them all over the bay. Her ball-drive marked the floor as she rolled at him.

Both her hands held an ion ray gun much like mine but she was a far better shot that me. Her chest

appeared open and I thought she'd been hit until another heat blast flashed from within it. My god,

she had a cannon concealed in her little robotic bosom?

 The pirate swore and I heard his rifle throw another shot at the android who deftly avoided it and

returned fire. Blue flame spit from the barrels of her pistols as rays traced their way across the

docking bay. I heard them smack into a wall and the pirate let off a truly impressive stream of

profanity.

Good, I smiled to myself. That sucker is having just as much difficulty coping with this new threat

as I was, just on more personally dangerous level. I popped my head up over the crates and saw him

stick his neck out just enough to get off a shot and jump behind the door again as Jessica unloaded a

rapid fire stream of ionized energy into the wall near his midsection. I had an idea.

I bolted from my spot and used the crates scattered by Jessica's rampage. Who knew a Page could

be so driven to violence? A couple of shots from the pirate went wide and singed my shoulder, but it

missed the flesh all together. I hopped, ran, and cussed my way from crate to crate and finally

succeeded in getting to a position on the side opposite my newly psychotic robo-page.

Two more rounds from Jessica's chest cannon tore the frame of the door into a mixture of silvery

shreds and molten metal. He stepped out again and took aim at Jessica. With all his concentration on

the android he never saw me sight in, breath deeply, exhale slightly, and give that trigger a gentle

squeeze.

He dropped hard as the ion ray tore his legs out from underneath him. Jessica saw the shot hit and

wheeled over to him quicker than I could blink. He was still alive, and reaching for a pistol at his

side, but the sight of a sphere-drive, feminine robot carrying two ray guns and hauling a cannon in

her chest made him think twice about his plans. He slumped to the deck, banging his head against the

floor repeatedly while complaining about how he got taken by a librarian.

I grinned halfway and thought about dancing on his wounded legs when the communication link

blared a call tone. I walked over to the unit on the wall and switched it on. The rippled orange face of

an Tidorian wearing a Galactic Protectorate uniform appeared on screen.

 “Heya, ma'am. Officer Rilget'th here. Got a distress call from someone named Jessica. She said

you were having a problem?”

I turned to look at my Page, occasionally ratcheting the cannon in her chest when the pirate jerked

in reaction to the pain no doubt coursing through his mangled legs.

“Well, we did. But I think my Page has things pretty well covered.”

A few minutes later I was on-board the pirate's ship backing it out of the dock and figuring out

how to release the tow cables he so rudely attached to my library. The Protectorate docked his ship

and took our uninvited guest into custody. Redocking the pirate's ship and boarding mine, I overrode

the ship-to-ship connections, releasing it from my airlock and allowing the cop to latch on and take it

into impound. Just as I finished punching the final sequence and wishing the Tidorian well on his

way, Jessica rolled up to me. I blinked in amazement as two compartments whirred open above her

sphere and she skillfully holstered both ray guns. The holsters closed with a hydraulic snap.

“So, uh, Jessica. Sorry about, um, shutting you off,” I said. “I was, well... I guess I was a little

annoyed by you talking so much.”

“Really, Skylar? I was just trying to be friendly. You have to understand, the last librarian working

out here on the Periphery was an automated model and boring as hell because they're not

manufactured for conversational abilities.”

I walked and she rolled back to the book stacks and she let out a small, electronic gasp at the mess

the pirate made as he'd pursued me.

“Sorry, Jessica. I'll help you clean it up,” I said.

“Don't you dare!” she said, excitedly rocking back and forth on her ball. “You know how long it's

been since I actually had something to do? Something to put away?”

“Someone to shoot at?” I said, raising an eyebrow. “So when, exactly, did they start outfitting

Page bots with heavy weapons?”

 “Oh, that's a new feature with the 6.2 JESSICA Models. It was a response to the growing book

theft problem. With the black market demand on stolen books, Johar Enterprises decided to make

Page androids with 'enhanced inventory control' features. I'm one of the first JESSICA models. They

called the earlier models JESSE, Johar Enterprises Sorting and Shelving Employees. Jesse looked

like me except they had wheeled drives and they weren't armed. Oh, and they had male personalities

and broader shoulders with brass highlights...”

“Jessica?”

“Yeah, Skylar?”

“Shut up.”