Rules for Online Dating

(why good dating rules are not a bad thing)

Everyone says that online dating is stressful. I agree, yet that should not be the case. I
decided to do something about it; I wrote some rules that, if followed, will reduce the stress
associated with this whole experience. Oh and before I delve in here, I must admit that this is
certainly not a romantic starry-eyed essay. I believe that a little bit of discipline is worth the
effort for a greater payoff later on.

Remember that I have no desire to make you uncomfortable, and I am assuming that you feel
the same way, so really we have a shared goal, namely to emerge from this thing unscathed.
In this we are natural allies, so lets work together.

The first meeting (date zero):

1.) The first meeting should not be viewed as a date. We are simply agreeing to meet. We shall
leave it unsaid that we have other plans for later that night. There is no obligation to sit down
and chat more than fifteen minutes. If it seems that things are going amazingly well, then one
of us might suggest doing something more, but don't count on it. There is always the
opportunity to get together for a real first date at a later time.
2.) Do not talk about something that you would enjoy doing later that evening if you do not want to
hear me take you up on attending such an event together. I may think that you are dropping a
hint. It would be best to avoid any misunderstanding.
3.) This meeting will most likely be over coffee. If it is, then do not fight with me when I offer to
treat you. I can afford the three dollars. If you feel very strongly about this, simply call me
sexist. I will not be offended, and I will learn something about you in the process.
4.) If the meeting is at a more elaborate location, understand it is because I am hoping that you will
enjoy the venue, but moreover it will be because I like that spot as well. Do not read into that
anything more. I may just want to enjoy a cup of Viennese coffee with some strudel. I'm like
that.
5.) Please do not feel that you are under any obligation to feign interest if we have little common
ground. I will take it as a sign of confidence in my maturity if you keep the topics of discussion
bland and we silently agree that there is little shared chemistry.
6.) If you find yourself talking about prior boyfriends, please feel free to change the subject without
explanation. I will not hold it against you. Similarly if I start I go off on a tangent, please
allow me to recover with some grace. It happens to everyone.
7.) While it is true that we should each feel free to discuss subjects that we find interesting, please
understand that I would most like to learn about any common experiences and viewpoints that
we share. You see the goal is to discover that you are a fun person to be with. Stories about an
ability to coldly dominate subordinate employees do nothing to demonstrate any warmth as a
human being. In fact I will begin to dislike you. If your goal is to push me away, then I
suppose that is one possible way to attain such a result, but it would be simpler to cut the
meeting short, no? I don't like being in the company of rude people, and in fact I may abort the
meeting in a most abrupt and unceremonious fashion. Oddly, neither of us will enjoy that
outcome.
8.) If I am interested in you, I will talk of asking you out on a real date. You are under no
obligation to answer me at that time, but from that point on the ball will then be in your court.
9.) Ninety percent of the time the lady gets gets a kiss on the cheek. Just roll with this, okay?
The First Date:

1.) I may want to see a show, or do something expensive. That might imply that I want to impress
you, but it might also mean that I have been waiting for an opportunity to see that show with an
attractive and interesting woman. Please do not read anything more into that.
2.) If we are going out to a live performance, please do not show up carrying a shopping bag. Just
don't, okay.
3.) If I try to kiss you: I will either shoot for the cheek, or if I feel drawn to you, the lips. If there is
any chance of things getting clumsy, I will casually and quietly convey my intentions of going
for the lips. Honestly it is my belief that ladies always merit at least a kiss on the cheek. If you
get a handshake, then I'm surely not getting warm vibes.

I will not manhandle you or do anything more than offer an initial peck. The feedback from
that will be self evident, so this should also be a non-issue. Do not act as though I have cooties.
It is trivial to offer the cheek in order to avoid a frontal assault. If that is too much for you, then
you may excuse yourself early. Plead illness. Once again, this will allow me to learn
something about you while keeping my pride intact.

Responses to requests to go out:

I may ask you out again via email, unless we start talking on the phone regularly. If you receive such
an email, the following tips are useful:

1.) Please reply quickly (in under three days) or not at all. In this way I can have enough time to
make plans, and if you are not interested I can quickly move on. Week old justifications for a
lack of interest are unnecessary; after seven days I will will have moved on. At this point any
explanation will only be irritating as any nascent tender feelings will have since evaporated.
Similarly expressing a desire to maintain a friendship will only come off as pandering. Such
friendship is only possible if there is some initial effort at developing a genuine mutual respect
and affection; this simply will not exist after two or less dates.
2.) If we go out on one or two or more real dates, and you do not reply at all to a request to go out
again, please understand that I will be annoyed, especially if I treated you to dinner. I will not
be annoyed because I think you owe me the favor of your company. I will be annoyed because
I believed I am owed a response of some sort.
3.) If, during the evening, you realize that are not interested, please do not start picking a fight.
Shift the subject to more philosophical subjects, talk about work and be ready for me to blindly
ask you out. At that point you will have an opportunity to say no, and it's this reason I love
email so much.

General Notes:

• If you are emotionally confused or otherwise seeking comfort under the guise of dating, it may
be a bad idea to date at all. Please avoid pretending that you are interested in a stable
relationship when in fact you are dealing with a recent family tragedy, divorce etc. In reality
you may just be using present company to bolster your own creaky self esteem. That's not
dating, that's something else.
• Early meetings should be more about the activity than the company. Whether that means the
activity must be very interesting or the expectations should be minimal varies, but the intent is
 the same: no one should feel that there are unrealistic expectations. Miss Manners actually has
a terrific essay about the arc that dates should follow.
• I will be creeped out if you start to talk about what a wonderful guy I am before we have a
chance to spend more than perhaps ten hours together in total. If I truly am a great guy, I will
remain so next week, and the week after that. Rushing things runs counter to the development
of a stable long term relationship. Similarly I would ask that you avoid long speeches about
how you do not play games. Everyone plays games to some extent and I have found that
denials are voiced the loudest by those who feel they have the most to hide.
• I want to build a relationship based on pursuit of shared goals and dreams. That requires mutual
sacrifice, so be prepared for carefully worded talk of compromise.
• Personally I am not fond of instant messaging or texting for anything beyond relaying
reminders to buy coffee. Instant messages are too insistent on an immediate reply. Calling,
emailing, or speaking in person are better.
• As an aside, I have never met anyone who would admit to being disinterested in a long term
relationship, and yet people continually hook up casually without any serious intentions. This is
especially true on holiday when traveling abroad. Obviously there is some sort of quiet
duplicity going on somewhere. I am not sure what it all means, but it is a reality.
• Dating requires a certain amount of sincere effort. I am convinced that a number of possible
partners have slipped away because it is difficult to clearly communicate and it is a bit too easy
to simply try meeting someone new. Perhaps expectations are unrealistic and goals are set too
high. In any case, one should be mindful that initial impressions can be inaccurate.

Once again, this need not be a battle if we have the same goals. Neither of us are perfect, and life can
be tough. Lets not make it any tougher.

Allan
Feb. 06, 2011