TOXIC TRIVIA NIGHT

Written by

Bailey Rothermel
Vance and Cody are sitting at a bar, drinking. The Bartender
is polishing a glass.

BARTENDER
You know, you two are my best
customers. You want to try out
trivia night tonight?

CODY
Sounds fun.

VANCE
I dunno. I’m thinking I might head
out.

BARTENDER
Well, I need two people for this,
and I already put you in.

VANCE
Look, I’m sorry I can’t stay. I got
work in the morning.

BARTENDER
Well, you’re gonna have to stay if
you want to go to work tomorrow.

VANCE
What are you talking about?

BARTENDER
Tell me Vance, did your last drink
taste funny to you?

VANCE
It kinda did, why?

BARTENDER
That’s because I poisoned it. The
same goes for you Cody.

CODY
Oh shit. I should’ve recognized it.

VANCE
(baffled)
What?

BARTENDER
Here’s how this is going to work.
We’re going to do trivia night.
Winner gets the antidote. As for
the loser, well I think you can
guess what happens to them.
 2.

VANCE
What’s wrong with you? I’m calling
the Cops.

CODY
Don’t do that man. Don’t be a poor
sport.

VANCE
This is life and death Cody.

CODY
Yeah, that’s what makes it fun.

BARTENDER
Plus, I destroy the antidote if you
call the cops.

Vance takes a deep breath and cracks his knuckles.

VANCE
Alright Cody. I hope you’re ready
to die, because I’m a trivia
master.

BARTENDER
Question 1: Who was the lead actor
in Captain Marvel.

VANCE
Oh that’s easy. Brie Larson.

BARTENDER
Wrong! Cody?

CODY
Samuel L. Jackson.

BARTENDER
Correct!

VANCE
What?

BARTENDER
I said actor, not actress.

Vance takes a deep breath.

VANCE
Ok, I think I got it.
 3.

BARTENDER
Next one’s for Cody. Question 2:
What is the drink that comes from
cows?

CODY
Cereal Sauce.

VANCE
You’re kidding-

BARTENDER
Correct.

VANCE
(Dejected)
Of course.

BARTENDER
Alright Vance, you’re up. Question
3: Do you know the muffin man?

VANCE
Umm, no?

BARTENDER
Wrong answer! Did it ever occur to
you that the muffin man may be in
this very room?

VANCE
A-are you the muffin man?

BARTENDER
Don’t be ridiculous. It’s Cody.

VANCE
Oh.

BARTENDER
Question 3b: Cody, if one muffin is
heading west at 30 miles per hour
from Philadelphia, and the other is
heading east from LA at 2 miles per
half hour, how long will it take me
to eat my muffin for breakfast?

Cody appears to be deep in thought.

 4.

CODY
Trick question. You don’t eat
muffins, because you’re allergic,
but if you did, it would be a
garlic muffin and it would take you
roughly 3 days, 5 minutes, and 38
seconds.

BARTENDER
Once again, that is correct.

VANCE
How could you possibly know that?

CODY
He just told you. I’m the muffin
man.

BARTENDER
Alright, this is a best of seven,
so Vance, if you can’t get this
one, Cody wins.

VANCE
(Getting a bit nervous)
Ok. Clam down Vance, you got this.

BARTENDER
Question 4: What is the highest
grossing movie of all time?

VANCE
Oh that’s easy it’s Aven- wait.

Vance appears deep in thought and even a bit nervous, but

then smiles smugly.

VANCE
It’s sausage party.

BARTENDER
Pardon?

VANCE
Well think about it. It takes place
inside a grocery store, so it’s a
grossing movie. There are drug
trips in it, which I’d imagine is
unusual for movies about grocery
stores so it’s likely the highest
grossing movie.
(MORE)
 5.

VANCE (CONT'D)
Finally, the film’s about religion,
which makes the movie of all time,
because there are fewer human
institutions older and more
timeless than religion.

BARTENDER
(Completely baffled.)
What? No! It’s Avengers Endgame.
What the hell is wrong with you?

VANCE
(Disappointed)
Oh.

BARTENDER
Cody wins.

The bartender hands Cody the slip of paper.

CODY
What’s this? How is this supposed
to cure the poison? Do I eat it.

Cody is about to shove the paper in his mouth, but the

bartender grabs his arm and stops him.

BARTENDER
It’s for a 12 step program.

CODY
What does that have to do with the
poison.

BARTENDER
Alcohol is a poison. It can destroy
your liver, your career, and your
interpersonal relationships. I’ve
been worried about you two. I tried
to make things fun by doing this
quiz thing, but this is a serious
intervention.

VANCE
Then why did you spend the last 2
hours serving us drinks? I tried to
leave multiple times and you kept
begging me to stay.

BARTENDER
I dunno, I was just having a good
time.
 6.

VANCE
You know what? Screw you! I’m out
of here.

CODY
Me too.

The two of them stand up to leave, but both collapse.

BARTENDER
Arsenic is also a poison, and I put
it in your drinks. That’s what you
get for not paying your tab.