FRED

So, you have the pizza I ordered?

PIZZA MAN
Yes, here’s the pizza.

The pizza man shoves another person over to Fred.

FRED
What the hell is this?

PIZZA MAN
This is pizza

FRED
What? No it’s not. This is just some guy

PIZZA MAN
His name is Pizza

PIZZA
See, look at the name tag

FRED
What?

PIZZA MAN
This is what you wanted, right? You ordered Pizza.

FRED
Yes, as in the food. I’m starving now and I was expecting something to eat.

PIZZA MAN
Well, technically you ​can​ eat pizza here.

FRED
I’m not going to eat him. That’s disgusting!

All of a sudden, Pizza starts crying. Fred puts his arm on Pizza’s shoulder

PIZZA
He called me disgusting!

PIZZA MAN (Comforting Pizza)

Now now, I’m sure he didn’t mean it.
 Pizza man turns to FRED

PIZZA MAN
What the hell’s wrong with you? Why are you calling pizza disgusting?

FRED
I wasn’t calling him disgusting. I was calling the idea of eating him disgusting.

PIZZA MAN
So, what? Pizza here’s not good enough for you to eat?

FRED
What? Of course he isn’t.

PIZZA MAN
Well, tell me this hotshot, what do those other pizzas have that this one doesn’t?

FRED
Sauce, cheese, sometimes peperoni.

Pizza pulls out a jar of sauce and some cheese from his pocket

PIZZA
I got sauce and cheese.

PIZZA MAN
See, that’s what you wanted right?

FRED
I still can’t eat him though.

PIZZA MAN
What’s your problem now?

FRED
Isn’t this cannibalism? I can’t just eat another person!

PIZZA MAN
What do you think they make the crust at Papa Johns out of?

FRED
That ​is​ a good point.

PIZZA MAN
 Exactly, now take him.

FRED
Hold up. Even if I was comfortable killing another person just so I could have some
Pizza, I still have my concerns. What if the cops show up?

PIZZA MAN
Why would the cops show up?

FRED
Because I’m killing and eating another person.

PIZZA MAN
You clearly don’t know the cops like I do. They might interfere with ordinary affairs like
homeless people and traffic violations, but they wouldn’t dare mess with the national
syndicate of pizza.

FRED
Ok, but what about the ethical concerns? I am ending a sentient life here.

PIZZA MAN
Pizza here has spent his entire life in the pizza clan. From birth, he’s only known only
one goal. To be pizza. Pizza’s always known his life would end with him being enjoyed
by a satisfied customer. And he’s been waiting for it since he learned how to think.
Depriving him of this is the cruelest thing anyone could ever do.

FRED
Ok, but he’s gotta be cold by now, right? We’ve been talking here for a while and it’s
freezing outside. You promise piping hot pizza. What’s to stop me from sending him
back?

PIZZA MAN
You wouldn’t dare!

PIZZA
You couldn’t either. My internal body heat is constantly kept warmer than your average
human, ensuring an optimal pizza experience.

FRED
Fine! You got me. I’ve been making up excuses. I guess I’m just nervous is all.

PIZZA MAN
Well-

PIZZA
 It’s fine dad, I’ve got this.

PIZZA turns to FRED

PIZZA
Of course you’re nervous. It’s your first time. You’ve never had a living pizza before.
You’re worried it might not live up to the hype. All these concerns about laws, ethics and
morals are utterly meaningless. People were made to eat pizza, and pizza was made to
be eaten by people. It’s been that way since the beginning of time. But when the
customer and the pizza and the customer are on the same level, nothing else
compares. It’s the ultimate meal. A feeling of pure, divine ecstacy that nothing will ever
compare to. Sex, your wedding day, the smile of your first born child, all of those are
meaningless when compared to the time you’ll spend eating me.

At this point, Fred is mesmerized.

FRED
I gotta eat this pizza

FRED and PIZZA leave for the kitchen.

PIZZA MAN
(almost tearing up) I’m so proud of you