THE PIZZA SKETCH

Written by

Bailey Rothermel

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Phone Number
 FRED
So, you have the pizza I ordered?

PIZZA MAN
Yes, here’s the pizza.

The pizza man shoves another person over to Fred.

FRED
What the hell is this?

PIZZA MAN
This is pizza

FRED
What? No it’s not. This is just
some guy

PIZZA MAN
His name is Pizza

PIZZA
See, look at the name tag

FRED
What?

PIZZA MAN
This is what you wanted, right? You
ordered Pizza.

FRED
Yes, as in the food. I’m starving
now and I was expecting something
to eat.

PIZZA MAN
Well, technically you can eat pizza
here.

FRED
I’m not going to eat him. That’s
disgusting!

All of a sudden, Pizza starts crying. Fred puts his arm on

Pizza’s shoulder

PIZZA
He called me disgusting!

PIZZA MAN (COMFORTING PIZZA)

Now now, I’m sure he didn’t mean
it.
 2.

Pizza man turns to FRED

PIZZA MAN (CONT'D)

What the hell’s wrong with you? Why
are you calling pizza disgusting?

FRED
I wasn’t calling him disgusting. I
was calling the idea of eating him
disgusting.

PIZZA MAN
So, what? Pizza here’s not good
enough for you to eat?

FRED
What? Of course he isn’t.

PIZZA MAN
Well, tell me this hotshot, what do
those other pizzas have that this
one doesn’t?

FRED
Sauce, cheese, sometimes peperoni.

Pizza pulls out a jar of sauce and some cheese from his
pocket

PIZZA
I got sauce and cheese.

PIZZA MAN
See, that’s what you wanted right?

FRED
I still can’t eat him though.

PIZZA MAN
What’s your problem now?

FRED
Isn’t this cannibalism? I can’t
just eat another person!

PIZZA MAN
What do you think they make the
crust at Papa Johns out of?

FRED
That is a good point.

PIZZA MAN
Exactly, now take him.
 3.

FRED
Hold up. Even if I was comfortable
killing another person just so I
could have some Pizza, I still have
my concerns. What if the cops show
up?

PIZZA MAN
Why would the cops show up?

FRED
Because I’m killing and eating
another person.

PIZZA MAN
You clearly don’t know the cops
like I do. They might interfere
with ordinary affairs like homeless
people and traffic violations, but
they wouldn’t dare mess with the
national syndicate of pizza.

FRED
Ok, but what about the ethical
concerns? I am ending a sentient
life here.

PIZZA MAN
Pizza here has spent his entire
life in the pizza clan. From birth,
he’s only known only one goal. To
be pizza. Pizza’s always known his
life would end with him being
enjoyed by a satisfied customer.
And he’s been waiting for it since
he learned how to think. Depriving
him of this is the cruelest thing
anyone could ever do.

FRED
Ok, but he’s gotta be cold by now,
right? We’ve been talking here for
a while and it’s freezing outside.
You promise piping hot pizza.
What’s to stop me from sending him
back?

PIZZA MAN
You wouldn’t dare!
 4.

PIZZA
You couldn’t either. My internal
body heat is constantly kept warmer
than your average human, ensuring
an optimal pizza experience.

FRED
Fine! You got me. I’ve been making
up excuses. I guess I’m just
nervous is all.

PIZZA MAN
Well-

PIZZA
It’s fine dad, I’ve got this.

PIZZA turns to FRED

PIZZA (CONT'D)
Of course you’re nervous. It’s your
first time. You’ve never had a
living pizza before. You’re worried
it might not live up to the hype.
All these concerns about laws,
ethics and morals are utterly
meaningless. People were made to
eat pizza, and pizza was made to be
eaten by people. It’s been that way
since the beginning of time. But
when the customer and the pizza and
the customer are on the same level,
nothing else compares. It’s the
ultimate meal. A feeling of pure,
divine ecstacy that nothing will
ever compare to. Sex, your wedding
day, the smile of your first born
child, all of those are meaningless
when compared to the time you’ll
spend eating me.

At this point, Fred is mesmerized.

FRED
I gotta eat this pizza

FRED and PIZZA leave for the kitchen.

PIZZA MAN
(almost tearing up)
I’m so proud of you