as​ s​ ​ s​ ​ s​ ​Presents: 

as​ as​

Titanic  
in  
Tights 
 
 
 
 

1
Characters

Mousewoman - Janneke
Our resident Petra Parker, not inspired by any Spidermen or -women whatsoever. She
was bitten by a radioactive mouse and now has mouse powers (whatever those are).
Very earnest, hardworking hero who keeps getting her ass handed to her by Ratman.
Harbours a very big, very requited crush on Bobbin, Ratman’s sidekick.

Ratman - Sam
He’s Ratman (NOT Batman).​ ​His favourite things include: brooding on the BPA roof,
spending his parents’ money and fighting Mousewoman in the EcologiCo garden. He is
afraid of making a genuine human connection and thus pushes everyone away,
including his sidekick Bobbin and his butler Albert.

Jeff - Keye
Mousewoman’s chill stoner unitmate who is the only one who knows about her secret
identity and suffers for it. She has been trying for forever to convince him to be her
sidekick, but to no avail. Yes, he is an homage to the Dude. Yes, you can go wild with
that.

Bobbin - TJ
Ratman’s slightly clueless sidekick who has a secret/not so secret thing for
Mousewoman. Absolute bottom. Is not treated very well by Ratman but still tries his best
to help his superhero.

Poison IB - Renee
A villainous mastermind (?) and also the EcologiCo Secretary. Hates the superheroes
with a passion because the EcologiCo garden is their chosen battleground to duke it out
with each other, and wants to force her way into the UCSA to make some structural
changes and ban the superheroes from campus.

Victor - Ivan
One of the Victorias, who loses his chemistry thesis when the superheroes fail to help
him because of their squabbling. He wants revenge. Actually somewhat competent.

Albert - Laurens

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The somewhat British-sounding butler of Ratman. He is usually dignified, but reveals a
harsh Dutch accent when angry. Tries to push Ratman into becoming a better version of
himself.

Nontoinette - Rishabh
Chair of UCSA. She is power tripping hard. She does not want any students to get hurt
but she also is a bit of a pushover

ReiNo - Jonathan
Treasurer of UCSA. He is also power tripping hard. He does not care about the safety of
the students if it is for something cool.

Vicky - Adi
One of the Victorias. She noticed that there was something shady about the
confessions being posted and goes to the superheroes to warn them.

SAM 1 - Rishabh
He’s a bro who loves all the Sams on this campus.

SAM 2 - Adi
He’s a bro who loves all the Sams on this campus.

SAM 3 - Mickey
He’s a bro who loves all the Sams on this campus.

SAM 4 - Jonathan
He’s a bro who loves all the Sams on this campus.

SAM 5 - Laurens
He’s a bro who loves all the Sams on this campus. Only appears as an extra in Scene
11.

3
Scenes
Scene 1: Ratman Begins (and Mousewoman is there as well I guess)
Ratman and Mousewoman hold monologues to establish themselves and their relations
to the other characters, revealing their feud and how they feel about Bobbin. When they
hear a scream, they investigate and find that Victor has had his laptop stolen. Instead of
helping him, they decide to fight each other.
Scene 2: Mousewoman: homecoming
Mousewoman comes home after her fight (that she lost) with Ratman. Here she finds
Jeff who is chilling on the couch. They talk about how hard it is to be a superhero and
how she hates Ratman. She then unsuccessfully tries to convince Jeff to be her
sidekick.
Scene 3: The Dark Rat Rises
Ratman and Bobbin return home from the fight they won, and we get to meet Albert,
who is Ratman’s very nice, very caring butler. At his attempt to have Ratman confront
his feelings, Ratman flees to go brood on the BPA roof.
Scene 4: The Evil Scene
Victor complains about the superheroes and is approached by Poison IB. They decide
to work together and form a plan to brainwash people into voting for them as the new
UCSA board. They get ready to test their brainwashing poison at Bartender’s Weekend.
Scene 5: Intoxicated Interactions: Ragnarok
Mousewoman, in disguise, is hosting Intoxicated interactions: Bartenders edition. Jeff is
behind the camera. Here, she discovers that most people (all called Sam) do not think
of the heroes as heroes but as annoying. Heartbroken she goes into the bar to drown
her sorrows in some cheap beer.
Scene 6: It’s always sunny in the Ratcave
Ratman comes home early from brooding on the BPA roof because it collapsed under
the weight of all his sins. He reads the anti-superhero confessions and because it is
unfathomable to him that there might be valid reasons to hate on him, jumps to the
conclusion that an evil plot is afoot. Albert tells him that he saw someone pour
something suspicious into the beer keg at Bartender’s via Ratman’s Ratcams.
Scene 7: An argument for weed consumption
The villains are setting their plan in motion in the bar while the heroes meet each other
there. The heroes (with Jeff) look for Poison IB and Bobbin but cannot find them before
the brainwashing poison goes into effect. The heroes are attacked by everyone who has
been brainwashed and decide to retreat, taking Bobbin with them.
Scene 8: Gone Jeff - Cutting bangs counts as therapy
Remember what Keye said about hair cutting on stage? This is us taking advantage of
that. Jeff realises that there are actual stakes in the superhero game and finally decides

4
to become Mousewoman’s sidekick. To symbolise this step in character development,
he cuts his hair. Y’know, like one does.
Scene 9: Despicable SUXA 3 (without Minions)
Two UCSA members talk shit about what it’s like to be in the UCSA. Then, the villains
come in and ask the UCSA if they can volunteer to help with Prom. The UCSA accepts
and the villains make various suggestions, until the UCSA decides to simply put them in
charge of the entirety of Prom.
Scene 10: To the Ratcave!
Urgent matters are at hand. Bobbin has been poisoned and our heroes are looking for a
cure. It is way less complicated than expected, as Jeff’s weed proves to be the answer.
Just when they thought they had found the solution to the brainwashing plot, one of
Victor’s fellow Victorias, Vicky, shows up and tells them of the suspicious thing Victor
and Poison IB are up to in regard to Prom. The heroes decide to go to Prom and foil our
villains’ plan(s).
Scene 11: Campus Endgame (but on a boat, actually fun fact it’s the same boat
as the one where Pompey got killed) (Alex gtfo with your random Roman boat facts)
The final showdown at prom. They are all on a boat. Poison IB and Victor brainwash all
the guests but Jeff heals them all with the power of Medicinal mariuana. Then it is
revealed that the villains have another plan: either be elected UCSA members right now
or they will crash the boat into an iceberg and kill everyone. While Batman fights Poison
IB and Bobbin and Jeff get their ass kicked by Victor, Mousewoman uses her powers to
turn the Iceberg into an Miceberg and the mice run away. They have saved everyone!
Bobbin and Mousewoman jump into eachohters arms to everyones disgust.
Scene 12: crowd pleaser for the horny fuckers on campus
The epilogue. Most of our main characters are awkwardly sitting on the boat while
Mousewoman and Bobbin are fucking on the toilet (classy). When they return,
Mousewoman and Ratman tell Poison IB that they will no longer be fighting in the
EcologiCo garden and she leaves to tell her board. Jeff comes up with a new thesis
topic for Victor (medicinal marijuana) and they go off to start doing experiments. Ratman
paraglides off the boat to avoid a personal connection with Bobbin. Bobbin and
Mousewoman recreate the Titanic T-pose scene and decide to fuck again.

5
Scene 1: Ratman Begins (and Mousewoman is there as well I guess)

MOUSEWOMAN is standing on the left side of the stage, RATMAN and BOBBIN are on
the right side with BOBBIN just slightly behind RATMAN. A chair stands somewhat
further behind RATMAN and BOBBIN.

MOUSEWOMAN
Alright, let’s do this. My name is Petra Parker. I was bitten by a radioactive mouse while
living in Kromhout, and for the past year I’ve been ​(dramatic gesture) M​ ousewoman,
the only real superhero on campus. I can do anything that mice can do, such as… ​(trails
off in mousey confusion)​.

RATMAN
(Batman voice) I​ ’m Ratman. ​(Pauses for a second, then coughs and returns to a normal
voice) ​Like every cool superhero, I have a dark and troubled past. On my first day at
UCU, my introweek parents got ice pitchered . I was so shocked that I retreated to my
room, where I found… a rat. It wasn’t radioactive but it was still pretty scary. The
experience molded me, made me into what I am today: which, again, is Ratman.

BOBBIN jumps forward.

BOBBIN
And I’m Bobbin!

RATMAN pushes BOBBIN back.

RATMAN
Get outta here, Bobbin, I’m monologuing.

BOBBIN
But you monologue every day! You know, those thirty minutes every morning are
making a real dent in my schedule, I almost failed Humlab. Humlab!

RATMAN
I don’t really care, Bobbin, get back in your chair.

BOBBIN sulkily gets back in his seat.

MOUSEWOMAN

6
With great mouse power comes great mouse responsibility, and I’ve been using my
power for good. I’ve brought peace and justice to campus, and I’ve been fighting crime
so well that I was able to convince the UCSA to get rid of security. Now all that money is
going straight to the UCU community… but mostly to the Musical Team. The last
musical was in the Amsterdam ArenA.

RATMAN
I am not the hero UCU deserves, but the one it needs. Being in one room with that rat
didn’t give me superpowers, so I asked my parents to build me a superhero suit. You
see, my parents are loaded. I’ve brought peace and justice to campus, and I’ve been
fighting crime so well that I was able to convince the UCSA to get rid of security. Even
though most of my powers come from my special suit - and from having done IB, which
stands for: “I’m Batman”... wait, fuck, no, I’m Ratman - my most important power comes
from within. And that power… is brooding. ​(RATMAN squats, makes brooding sounds)

MOUSEWOMAN
I know that you all think I’m perfect, but there is actually something that really annoys
me. I’m not a superperson of great means, I worked my ass off to convince that mouse
to bite me. I don’t have a butler, or a penthouse in Tower, or a clever sidekick who looks
good in tights and… I mean, uh, a sidekick. Anyways, there is this one guy who thinks
being edgy is more important than having actual superpowers, and just tries to waltz in
here and buy his way into becoming the dark hero saving campus.

RATMAN
You know what I hate? People who think they’re superior because their rodent was
radioactive and mine was not.

MOUSEWOMAN
Ugh, Ratman.

RATMAN
Ugh, Mousewoman.

BOBBIN
​ obbin!
(Pumping his fist) B

VICTOR screams in the background.

MOUSEWOMAN & RATMAN

7
That sounds like a job for me!

RATMAN & BOBBIN exit stage right, MOUSEWOMAN exits stage left. Victoria bursts
from the curtains, acting very worried. RATMAN enters stage right, MOUSEWOMAN
enters stage left.

VICTOR
Oh, thank god you two are here! Someone stole my laptop. There’s no security
anymore, so you are my only hope of getting it back!

RATMAN
YES! Don’t fear, Ratman is here!

BOBBIN
(From backstage) ​And Bobbin!

MOUSEWOMAN
Everybody knows that only Mousewoman is ready for this mission.

RATMAN
Well, Ratman just had a sick new grappling hook installed with which he can catch
thieves.

MOUSEWOMAN
Ha! Can your grappling hook jump about thirty centimetres in the air? Mice can do that,
so I can do that!

VICTOR
Guys, they’re getting away! My fucking thesis is on that laptop!

BOBBIN enters stage right.

BOBBIN
I’m here! ​(sees Mousewoman, tries to be suave, fixes hair) ​Oh… hey, Mousewoman.

MOUSEWOMAN
(adjusts her hair, flexes seductively) ​Hey, Bobbin.

RATMAN

8
I’m Ratman.

BOBBIN
Ratman, I got your paragliding equipment!

RATMAN
Don’t worry, Bobbin, I won’t be needing it for this mission. Actually, why did I invest in
paragliding equipment in the Netherlands?

VICTOR
HELLO!? MY LAPTOP? MY CHEMISTRY THESIS? If you thought booking the BPA
was hard, try booking a fucking chemistry lab!

RATMAN
Never fear, I will get it back to you once I show Mousewoman who the real protector of
campus is!

MOUSEWOMAN
Alright, then. On to our trusty battleground, the one place on campus that nobody cares
about: the EcologiCo garden!

MOUSEWOMAN and RATMAN run off and exit stage left.

BOBBIN
Yeah… so… I don’t think you’re getting your laptop back.

VICTOR starts to break down, not too loudly. BOBBIN exits stage left.

LIGHTS OUT

9
Scene 2: Mousewoman: homecoming

JEFF sits on a chair in the middle of the stage. Next to him is another chair. JEFF takes
a drag of his dank doobie as MOUSEWOMAN enters stage left (looking hurt).
MOUSEWOMAN collapses on the chair with a sigh. After a moment...

JEFF
Did you guys fight in the EcologiCo garden again?

MOUSEWOMAN
(defeated, physically and mentally)​ ...yeah. It really fucking hurts.

JEFF takes a drag and passes her his joint in silent solidarity.

MOUSEWOMAN
Jeff, we’ve already talked about the limits of medicinal marijuana. ...but we can test it
out one more time.

MOUSEWOMAN takes a drag.

JEFF
Dude, you should know that you’re not going to beat Ratman and his suit. I heard it
even has, like, a working printer.

MOUSEWOMAN
I can’t believe how much money he wastes on stuff like that. You know, at one point he
ran out of those ninja stars of his and just started tossing coins at me? I felt cheap.

JEFF
Man, I heard that UCU is considering him as a buyer for campus in 2025.

MOUSEWOMAN
The money isn’t even the problem. The problem is that every time I fight him, it’s two
versus one. Well, of course, Bobbin isn’t really such a problem, he’s a total cutie… I
don’t even really mind when he chokes me.

Silence for a second, JEFF is all ‘I already know about your secret identity, I don’t need
to know about your kinks as well’.

10
 MOUSEWOMAN
You know, if I were to have a sidekick as well, I could definitely beat them…

JEFF takes a drag of his joint and looks the other way.

MOUSEWOMAN
And since your major is Religious Studies, you’ve got plenty of time…

JEFF takes a slightly more stressed drag of his jive.

MOUSEWOMAN
Jeff, you’re the only person who knows about my secret identity!

JEFF
Dude, I didn’t even want to know about your secret identity! You just used, like, your
weird mouse powers to slither underneath the door while I was hotboxing the living
room! You know, if there’s one thing that’ll cause you to have, like, a bad trip, it’s your
unitmate sliding through the crack under a door, dude. You could have just told me the
next day that I was tripping balls, but noooo… you had to go on and on about your
nuclear hamster or some shit.

MOUSEWOMAN
Radioactive mouse.

JEFF
Whichever, dude.

MOUSEWOMAN moves around and remembers her painful joints with a yelp.

JEFF
Well, I hope that heals soon. It’d suck to look like this when you host Intoxicated
Interactions.

MOUSEWOMAN
Wow, thanks. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to look worse than some econ major on his
fifteenth beer trying to figure out what the capital of Bulgaria is.

JEFF
To be fair man, what is, like, the capital of Bulgaria?

11
 MOUSEWOMAN
Budapest or something. Anyways, ​(gets up)​ I’m going to go look at pictures of Bobbin…
I mean take a nap.

JEFF
Just please keep it down, you have a really loud Satisfyer Pro.

LIGHTS OUT

12
Scene 3: The Dark Rat Rises

ALBERT stands in front of the chairs in the middle of the stage. RATMAN and BOBBIN
enter stage left.

ALBERT
Good afternoon sir! How was your day?

RATMAN
The best. I fought Mousewoman and won - as usual. We’re now 412 to 1.

ALBERT
Ah yes, we shan’t forget the time that you forgot about the fight and Bobbin got knocked
around on his own.

BOBBIN
Oh yeah, I totally got my ass eaten… I mean beaten.

ALBERT
Well, sir, might I inquire what happened to that girl who sent you a distress signal?

RATMAN
Oh yeah, she was in distress. Lost her phone or something. Anyways, I really showed
Mousewoman who’s the best at saving people.

ALBERT
By fighting Mousewoman or by helping the girl?

RATMAN looks at his feet for a second, using every cell in his pea brain to process this.

BOBBIN
The fight was really cool, even though the garden looks like shit now. You know, at one
point Ratman ran out of Ratstars so he just threw coins at Mousewoman until she fled.

RATMAN
​ h yeah! Albert, please order some more Ratstars.
(looking up) O

ALBERT

13
Sir, I’m certain that your superhero alter ego is very important to you. However, when
your parents hired me as your butler they asked me to take good care of you. While
here, all you have been doing is fighting Mousewoman and working on your ‘aesthetic’
by listening to spooky vaporwave and eating only black food. Why don’t you join
AcquiCo, or run for the UCSA?

RATMAN
Oh, and also get me a Rat Jetpack… A Rjetpack. Ratpack? Jratpack? Get me a jetpack
with the word ‘Rat’ in it.

ALBERT
Sir, I asked you a question.

RATMAN
Albert, I don’t want to confront my crippling inability to form genuine human connections
right now. For unrelated reasons, I shall be off to do some self-care. ​(turns to run from
Albert and also from his feelings)

ALBERT
Sir, by self-care, do you mean going to the roof of the BPA to brood?

RATMAN
...Ratman out!

RATMAN exits stage left.

ALBERT
Sometimes I worry about him.

BOBBIN
Sometimes he makes me walk around with a ladder to look for good high places to
brood.​ (Silence for a second.)​ Anyways, let’s get a drink.

BOBBIN and ALBERT exit stage right.

LIGHTS OUT

14
Scene 4: The Evil Scene

VICTOR enters stage right, calmly strolling to the center of the stage. When she arrives,
she clears her throat and suddenly throws herself on her knees dramatically.

VICTOR
WHY!? All those hours trying to trick someone into supervising me! All those hours
fucking up my pipetting! All those sleepless nights listening to lofi hiphop beats to study
and relax to… wasted! All of it...WASTED. ​(stands up, determined)​ If we still had
security instead of superheroes, none of this would have happened… I’ll make that
fucking Mousewoman and that stupid Ratman pay for what they’ve done!

POISON IB appears from behind the curtain.

POISON IB
Did you just say making Mousewoman and Ratman pay?

VICTOR
​ ho the hell are you?
(confused) W

POISON IB
Someone with similar interests. Someone who can make them pay…

VICTOR
​ hm, okay…
(skeptical yet interested) U

POISON IB
Those stupid heroes think they’re so cool because they got bitten by some animal and
now they have superpowers. I got bitten by Pip, but all I got was worms! At least I
would’ve used my powers for good; they’re not even stopping burglars. All they do is
fight each other. And where do they fight? In my EcologiCo garden! They destroy all my
hard work of keeping my succulents alive!

VICTOR
You’re in EcologiCo?

POISON IB
That’s right. I am the most powerful person on campus: the EcologiCo Secretary! My
name… is Poison IB.

15
 VICTOR
Wait, are you the one who keeps posting these super salty confessions about the
superheroes every time they destroy the EcologiCo garden?

POISON IB
Uhm… maybe… Actually, how do you know that? None of them got published.
(lightbulb moment) ​Are you one of the Victorias?

VICTOR
Oh shit… well, just don’t tell anyone. My name is Victor, so I felt like it was only
appropriate. If you do tell somebody, I’ll let everyone know about that graphic and
sexual confession you submitted about Bobbin!

POISON IB
That wasn’t me! Anyways, I think we can use your power over the Confessions page to
turn people against the superheroes.

VICTOR
We?

POISON IB
Of course! Our interests overlap, and together we can definitely knock those “heroes”
down a peg.

VICTOR
(after a moment of deliberation)​ Fine. But why stop at confessions? For my thesis, I
looked into the effect of some natural ingredients on people’s obedience. Do you by any
chance have grass in the EcologiCo garden?

POISON IB
Uhm… yeah. The lawn is actually the only thing that survived all the fights.

VICTOR
Then I’ll concoct us a little mixture that’ll help us… convince people.

POISON IB
I like your thinking…

16
POISON IB starts laughing evilly. After a second, VICTOR joins but with a stupid laugh.
POISON IB pauses.

POISON IB
No, no… like this, from the diaphragm… ​(shows VICTOR)​ Alright, let’s get started. I
think we can test your little mixture at Bartender’s weekend. It’s not like anyone there
knows what they’re actually drinking. If the test run is successful, we’ll turn all of campus
over to our side and use them to bring us into a position of true power: the UCSA!

VICTOR
Perfect, my CV could definitely use a boost now that I’m not going to turn in a thesis.

LIGHTS OUT

17
Scene 5: Intoxicated Interactions: Ragnarok

MOUSEWOMAN is standing center stage, “disguised” (just wears glasses or smth), with
JEFF in front and slightly to the right. JEFF is holding a camera/phone, recording
Intoxicated Interactions. MOUSEWOMAN is holding a duster, using it as a microphone.
SAMS in the background are just drunk (improvise moment). All the drunk people are
called SAM because we were too lazy to come up with individual names and there are
reasonably enough Sams on campus to make this realistic. SAMS 1, 2, 3 and 4 are
wearing Bartender’s Weekend shirts. One of them is secretly a Surface-to-Air Missile
(SAM) but that’s irrelevant. BOBBIN is also there in disguise (glasses) and has a
Bartender’s weekend shirt.

MOUSEWOMAN
Welcome to UCStudios’s Intoxicated Interactions: Bartender’s Weekend Electric
Boogaloo Edition. I’m your host, Petra Parker, and as you can see by my glasses I don’t
look like Mousewoman at all. ​(looks around) ​Okay, who here looks so drunk that they’ll
really embarrass themselves?

JEFF
Let’s be real, dude, it’s 9 AM during Bartender’s, everyone’s already shitfaced.

MOUSEWOMAN
Fair enough.

SAM 1 and SAM 2 drunkenly stumble into MOUSEWOMAN and start shouting into the
mic. Feel free to come up with something that’s funnier than what we wrote.

SAM 1
(grabs mic) ​I just want to give a shout out to my boy Sam, my friend Sam, and ​(points to
SAM 2) m​ y buddy Sam right here.

SAM 2
Thanks, Sam.

MOUSEWOMAN
(grabs mic) ​Alright, this year’s Bartender’s theme is Good vs. Evil, so we wanted to ask:
What is the best thing on this campus?

SAM 2

18
Maarten Diederix’s bulge.

JEFF
She said BEST thing.

SAM 2
Yeah, I know.

SAM 1
Dude, let’s go puke next to the toilet.

SAM 1 and SAM 2 stumble off stage right. SAM 3 and BOBBIN stumble into
MOUSEWOMAN.

SAM 3
Guys, I just totally puked over the BarCo chair, I don’t think I’m going to be a bartender.

MOUSEWOMAN
Good for you! Anyways, we wanted to ask: what’s the best thing on campus?

BOBBIN
Mousewoman’s ass! ​(grabs mic the way he wants to grab dat ass) ​May I just say…
thicc.

JEFF
No, you may not.

BOBBIN acts offended and leaves, SAM 4 stumbles on stage, and joins SAM 3.

MOUSEWOMAN
Alright, well… what’s the worst thing on campus?

SAM 3
Seeing FocusCo pictures of a night that you don’t remember.

SAM 4
No, dude, it’s the fucking superheroes. Did you see that confession about Ratman
assassinating the landlord? Dude, he’s the reason we have the landlady.

19
 SAM 3
Oh, yeah, of course! I read that Mousewoman is trying to replace all the students on
campus with mice… and she’s nearly there!

MOUSEWOMAN
Wait, you guys read all of this on UCU Confessions? You know, maybe that isn’t the
best place to find out the truth.

SAM 4
Ah, truth shmuth!

SAM 2 stumbles back on stage.

SAM 3
We all know that Confessions are always 100% factual! Fuck the superheroes!

SAM 2
(bumping into the group) ​Yeah, fuck ‘em! I heard they destroyed the EcologiCo garden;
I didn’t even know we had an EcologiCo garden!

SAM 4
(grabs mic) ​Yeah! Sams rule, superheroes suck! Sams out! ​(drops the mic)

SAM 4, SAM 2 and SAM 3 walk offstage. MOUSEWOMAN looks sad and pulls out her
phone.

JEFF
...I’m sure it was just one or two confessions, everybody likes you guys!

MOUSEWOMAN
No, the whole confessions page is full of anti-superhero stuff. And they’re only getting
heart reacts! ​(throwing up her arms) ​Everybody hates us!

JEFF
That’s just, like, their opinion man.

MOUSEWOMAN
What did we do wrong?

20
 JEFF
I… don’t even know where to start. But… ​(awkwardly pats her head)​ there, there. It’ll all
be fine.

MOUSEWOMAN
(exasperated sigh)​ I need a drink. Let’s head upstairs and get smashed.

JEFF
I’m already, like, baked as fuck man, but I’ll come along and watch you get hammered.

LIGHTS OUT

21
Scene 6: It’s always sunny in the Ratcave

ALBERT is singing ‘Holding out for a Hero’ into the duster that was previously a
microphone while practising choreo in the center of the stage. There are two chairs on
stage, one of which ALBERT can use for his act. RATMAN enters stage right.

RATMAN
I’m Ratman.

ALBERT
(stops discoing, starts dusting again) ​Ratman! You’re home early from brooding.

RATMAN
Yeah, the BPA roof collapsed because I was brooding on it all the time.

ALBERT
Another indication that you might want to alter your way of living.

RATMAN
​ hatever. I’ll just go back to brooding on the clock tower. I
(Settling down on a chair) W
can deal with making small talk with drunk people every now and then. ​(pulls out his
phone, starts messing around with it)

ALBERT
Sir, this is hardly the time to be playing Candy Crush: Ragnarok.

RATMAN
I’m not! I’m looking at UCU Confessions. Everybody is spreading these vicious lies
about me! At least they finally know the truth about Mousewoman, though. Hey, this one
says I never do my dishes!

ALBERT
With all due respect, sir, that one is true.

RATMAN
Whatever. Look at this: “Ratman always uses two Kromhout laundry machines at the
same time.” I don’t even live in Kromhout. Ratman founded ABP? What? I have
standards! And this, the worst of all: Ratman never pets Pip! Who do you think gave her
worms!? Why would people be slandering us like this?

22
 ALBERT
Well, to be fair, you do certainly deserve it.

RATMAN
No, impossible! There must be some sort of evil plot afoot. Albert, did my Ratcams pick
up anything suspicious recently?

ALBERT
Well, your Ratcam in the disco ball in the bar did see someone putting a strange mixture
into the beer kegs, but that’s probably just something for Bartender’s weekend.

RATMAN
I knew it! Wait… isn’t Bobbin at Bartender’s?

ALBERT
Yes he is, sir.

RATMAN
Bobbin! He must be in danger!

ALBERT
Sir, have you finally made a genuine human connection?

RATMAN
He’s still got my paragliding equipment!

RATMAN runs off, exiting stage left

LIGHTS OUT

23
Scene 7: An argument for weed consumption

POISON IB and VICTOR are standing stage left. SAM 1, 2 and 3 and BOBBIN are
standing center stage, slightly further to the back. MOUSEWOMAN and JEFF are
standing stage right. Everyone except JEFF, POISON IB and VICTOR has cups, but
MOUSEWOMAN is not drinking from hers yet. A fake bar with a table and some chairs
is standing next to POISON IB and VICTOR.

POISON IB
It’s all coming together now.

VICTOR
Good… We poured the brainwashing poison in the keg about half an hour ago, so it
should have entered their systems by now. We just need to say the codeword, and
they’ll do whatever we - and only we - tell them to do.

POISON IB
Ah yes, the codeword… something nobody ever says on this campus: I’d love to do the
last bar shift!

VICTOR
That’s not it… did you really forget the codeword?

POISON IB
Of course not. It was: I love using Uni-life.

VICTOR
No… I’ll just shout it out when the time comes.

POISON IB
Alright.

RATMAN jumps onto stage from the table/a chair behind the whiteboard, landing next to
MOUSEWOMAN

RATMAN
I’m Ratman! ​(looks around while staying in a sick superhero pose)

POISON IB

24
 ​ ell, looks like things just got interesting.
(to VICTOR while looking at RATMAN) W

RATMAN
(gives a shriek as he slaps/karate-chops beer out of MOUSEWOMAN’s hands) ​Random
UCU student, don’t drink that!

MOUSEWOMAN looks distraught

MOUSEWOMAN
What the hell, man? First you beat me up and then you spill my beer?

RATMAN
Do I know you, random citizen?

MOUSEWOMAN
​ ude… it’s me.
(takes off her glasses) D

RATMAN
MOUSEWOMAN!? What an impenetrable disguise!

JEFF
Is it though?

MOUSEWOMAN
So… why did you go for an impromptu game of slap cup?

RATMAN
My hidden camera in the bar saw… uh, I mean my Ratsense picked up on some
fuckery going on here, with someone putting shady stuff in the keg… It was a woman in
green tights. While you look for her, I’ll go save my sidekick like the superhero I am.

RATMAN starts walking around, inspecting people’s faces by yanking off glasses and
putting them back on, MOUSEWOMAN and JEFF walk the other way.

MOUSEWOMAN
Jeff… Mice are red/green colorblind, how am I going to find this woman?

JEFF
Dude, I’m, like, not getting into any of this superhero shit.

25
MOUSEWOMAN starts going around, looking at people’s trousers and nodding ‘no’ to
everyone, including POISON IB.

POISON IB
(to VICTOR) ​Let’s make sure everyone has drunk enough for the poison to work.

POISON IB starts singing and VICTOR joins in after a second. At the end, the SAMS
also join in.

POISON IB (and later VICTORIA + SAMS)

Weeee like to drink with allofthepeoplethatarehererightnow, and
allofthepeoplethatarehererightnow are our mate! And when we drink with
allofthepeoplethatarehererightnow, they chug it down in… ​(SAMS and BOBBIN start
​ ight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!
drinking) e

RATMAN finally rips off BOBBIN’s glasses

RATMAN
BOBBIN! Finally I found you. What’s with all these intricate disguises? Anyways…
(shrieks again and slaps beer out of BOBBIN’s hand) ​There! I saved you just in time.
There is something suspicious going on with the beer.

BOBBIN
Ratman, it’s Bartender’s weekend; I’m already twelve beers in. Plus, the whole bar
chugged their beers like one second ago, that one was empty.

RATMAN
(snaps fingers) ​Foiled again!

MOUSEWOMAN
(joining back up with Ratman) ​Oh, hey there Bobbin. I like your shirt.

BOBBIN
Thanks, I ripped it myself.

MOUSEWOMAN
Ratman, I couldn’t find anyone here with green tights.

26
VICTOR starts getting up on the ‘bar’.

BOBBIN
Oh hey, that woman next to the person on the bar has green tights.

VICTOR
Mousewoman! Ratman!

RATMAN
That’s probably not good.

VICTOR
Remember me?

MOUSEWOMAN
No.

VICTOR
You ruined my life! You took everything from me!

RATMAN
We don’t even know who you are.

VICTOR
I am Victor, you fucked up my thesis, and you will remember me after this… ​(shouts to
​ verybody in my unit follows the cleaning schedule!
the room) E

All the SAMS and BOBBIN tense up because they brainwashed n stuff

RATMAN
Wow, yeah, that is quite memorable.

POISON IB
Oh, of course, that was the codeword. ​(turns to the minions) ​Minions! Attack the
superheroes!

RATMAN is attacked by the SAMS and holds them off with his sick superhero skills
because he’s an alpha chad and BOBBIN attacks MOUSEWOMAN.

27
 JEFF
Mousewoman, watch out!

JEFF just fucking decks BOBBIN lol. BOBBIN bobs around for a bit and then falls
towards JEFF. Miss JEFF with that Bobbin shit, he dodges and MOUSEWOMAN
catches BOBBIN.

MOUSEWOMAN
Bobbin! ​(looks up at the fight) ​Ratman! ​(turns to the SAMS, points) ​Look, Sams, over
there! It’s AUCMan!

The SAMS look up and go chase after the so-called AUCMAN.

RATMAN
I was totally fine, but thanks anyway.

The HEROES, carrying BOBBIN, run off with JEFF in tow.

POISON IB
Your poison works quite well, Victor…

VICTOR
So it would seem. I think we can move on to the second phase of your plan.

VICTOR does a little evil laugh. POISON IB ~ delicately ~ wipes away a tear.

POISON IB
They grow up so fast.

LIGHTS OUT

28
Scene 8: Gone Jeff - Cutting bangs counts as therapy

MOUSEWOMAN, BOBBIN, RATMAN and JEFF enter stage right. JEFF is dragging
BOBBIN (who is struggling a little bit, but not to the point where he’d punch a
non-superhero) along. JEFF is deep in thought. When they reach the middle of the
stage, standing a bit to the back, JEFF stops and turns to the others.

JEFF
Guys, I… wait, take this. ​(yeets BOBBIN into RATMAN’s arms. RATMAN starts
struggling to subdue BOBBIN) I​ just need to talk to Mousewoman real quick. Petra, can
you… ​(gestures to the front of the stage)

JEFF and MOUSEWOMAN walk to the front of the stage and start a conversation.
RATMAN keeps trying to subdue BOBBIN in the background.

JEFF
Petra, bro, I… I never knew that your superhero thing actually had stakes. I mean…
stakes that aren’t the safety of the EcologiCo garden.

MOUSEWOMAN
Is the EcologiCo garden really a stake?

JEFF
Fair enough. But the garden isn’t what I wanted to talk to you about. I just meant that
what you guys do may, like, actually be somewhat important, dude. And you shouldn’t
go through it alone.

MOUSEWOMAN
You mean…?

RATMAN has managed to push BOBBIN to the floor.

JEFF
I think I may be ready to become a sidekick. Like… Hamsterboy or something.

In the background, RATMAN drags BOBBIN offstage.

MOUSEWOMAN

29
(squeals in excitement)​ Oh my god, that’s great! Definitely not the name, but the general
idea! Let’s go look for a rodent to bite you.

JEFF
I think that we can, like, skip that step to be honest. I have a better way to transform
myself. ​(whips out scissors and holds them near his head as he turns to the audience)

MOUSEWOMAN
Uh… what are you doing?

JEFF starts cutting his hair, fucking it up as much as you wish. If the audience makes a
lot of noise, wait until they calm down a bit and then…

JEFF
This is character development! Look, I’m getting my life together because my hair is
shorter!

MOUSEWOMAN
(skeptical for a second, then a smile appears on her face) ​Oh, dude, give yourself
bangs! Ha!

LIGHTS OUT

30
Scene 9: Despicable SUXA 3 (without Minions)

NONTOINET and REINO are chilling in the UXA office - a table and two chairs slightly
to the right of center stage - while working on their laptops. They’re shooting the
proverbial shit (this means ‘to chat casually’, which Alex is trying to convince us is a
thing. Alex, just because Urban Dictionary says you can use it, doesn’t mean you
should).

NONTOINET
Dude, doing the UCSA budget is actually pretty fun. I just take the budgets of all these
committees and put them straight into the Musical Team. Oh look, FeministCo wants
money for condoms again. Too bad, the Musical Team needs snacks for their movie
night.

REINO
Yeah, those condoms are way too big anyways. ​(notices something on his laptop)​ Oh
my god, another email from ArtsCo about a beamer. When are they going to learn that
we don’t want to deal with fucking beamers?

NONTOINET
Tell me about it, we create ScreenCo specifically so they would deal with the beamers
and everyone still comes to us.

REINO
Whatever, I’ll just give them a broken one again. They’ll learn.

POISON IB and VICTOR enter stage left evilly.

NONTOINET
Oh, welcome, our dear UCSA candidates! How is the preparation for the elections
going? I loved your idea of having your unitmates write about how great you are - very
original.

REINO
Oh, guys, you should run on continuity! Did you know that the first ever UCSA chair also
ran on continuity?

POISON IB

31
Yeah, great idea! That’s actually not why we’re here, though. We’d love to get some
more experience running big events, so we thought we’d volunteer to help at Prom!

NONTOINET
Oh, great! They literally based prom on one of the worst maritime disasters of the 20th
century, so they can definitely use some help with their PR.

POISON IB
Awesome! We already have a couple of demands… I mean ideas.

REINO
As long as you don’t ask for a beamer anything goes.

VICTOR
Could we use beer vats that you can open up so that you could - hypothetically - put
stuff in?

NONTOINET
Well, whatever you think is a good idea!

POISON IB
And I think it would really improve the atmosphere if everybody was having drinks, so
what if we charge people for water?

NONTOINET
I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.

REINO
Illegal and brilliant! Let’s do it!

VICTOR
And last of all… what if we made the boat move for a few hours?

REINO
Why would you put drunk people on a moving ship? There would be even more puking
than usual.

NONTOINET
Yeah, and nobody would be able to leave.

32
 REINO
Which means people can’t go home when they’re too drunk.

NONTOINET
And people who want to hook up would just be stuck making out on a boat.

REINO
Someone might even do something drastic, like… fuck on the toilet.

POISON IB
(sinisterly) ​And they also won’t be able to run away.

NONTOINET
Yeah… so we shouldn’t do it.

VICTOR
But it would be pretty cool though.

REINO
Yeah no it would be cool. Let’s do it.

NONTOINET
You know what, Victor? You seem like a reasonable person, and since you’re running
for UCSA treasurer anyways, why don’t we just give you the whole prom budget? And
then you guys can do whatever you feel like.

VICTOR
What a wonderful plan! I won’t abuse that power at all.

POISON IB
Alright, we should be off then. Let’s get to scheming… I mean planning.

VICTOR and POISON IB turn around and start to leave, but POISON IB realizes
something and turns back.

POISON IB
Oh, before we leave: what about the budget to rebuild the EcologiCo garden?

33
 REINO
Oh, actually, we’re renaming X to “the Ratman building”, and signs cost a lot of
money… so we’re kind of through our budget.

POISON IB sighs, mumbles something like ‘this is exactly why we’re overthrowing you’,
and leaves with VICTOR.

LIGHTS OUT

34
Scene 10: To the Ratcave!

ALBERT is chilling in the Ratcave, which consists of a table standing center left stage
with three chairs next to it. RATMAN, MOUSEWOMAN and JEFF (in his new sidekick
outfit) enter stage right. RATMAN is dragging BOBBIN along and drops him as ALBERT
begins to speak. BOBBIN weakly slaps the air.

ALBERT
Ratman! Welcome, sir. And welcome… why, Mousewoman? Ratman, you’ve brought
your archnemesis - is this the personal growth I have been hoping for so much?

RATMAN
No, Albert, this is purely professional.

ALBERT
(turns to JEFF) ​And who might this gentleman be?

JEFF
My name is Jeff but some people call me Hamsterboy.

MOUSEWOMAN
It’s a work in progress.

ALBERT
At least he has a nifty outfit already, where did you acquire that?

JEFF
(looks down) ​Honestly, as soon as I became a sidekick I just looked down and I had this
on.

RATMAN
That’s exactly what happened to Bobbin. Anyways, welcome to my lair; welcome to the
Ratcave.

JEFF
Huh, this really doesn’t look like Wall. Those Thuisbezorgd bags really tie the room
together.

RATMAN

35
 ​ roblem.
Well, we should probably find a solution to this ​(gestures at BOBBIN) p

MOUSEWOMAN
Well, what do you do anytime you feel like shit?

ALBERT
He mostly watches Wall-E and cries.

RATMAN
I do not! I, uhm… I just eat hummus, like everybody at UCU.

MOUSEWOMAN
What if we have him talk about his problems with Mark Baldwin?

RATMAN
As if we have three months to wait for an appointment. No, no, we need something
different…

Everyone is in deep thought for a moment. Then, JEFF, gets an idea as he looks at his
blunt. He leans over to BOBBIN and holds the joint to his mouth.

MOUSEWOMAN
Jeff, we already talked about the limits of medicinal marijuana

BOBBIN takes a fat rip.

BOBBIN
​ ow, what are we doing in the Ratcave? Oh
Bro… this is some dank kush. ​(gets up) W
no, how drunk did I get at Bartender’s?

MOUSEWOMAN
I stand corrected. And don’t worry about it, Bobbin, some villains almost got you but
you’re safe.

RATMAN
Yeah, I saved you! You’re welcome.

MOUSEWOMAN
Uhm, that was my sidekick’s weed, so I saved him!

36
 RATMAN
Well my sidekick smoked the weed, so I saved him!

JEFF
(to Albert)​ Really it was only me, but I’m not getting into this.

MOUSEWOMAN and RATMAN arguing.

ALBERT
GODVERDOMME! ​(Dutch accent) C ​ an’t you work together for one kut moment? Tering,
broer. ​(restores his calm, returns to his British facade) ​Ahem, I mean: I would highly
recommend that the two of you cooperate in this endeavour.

MOUSEWOMAN and RATMAN cross their arms and start pouting like the lil kids they
are

ALBERT
Come on, now, shake each other’s hands. Right after this mission, you can go back to
fighting.

MOUSEWOMAN and RATMAN shake each other’s hands. BOBBIN and JEFF keep
sharing the weed. VICKY enters stage right with a laptop.

VICKY
​ amster Hole?
Hey, sorry, is this the… ​(looks at hand) H

RATMAN
The Ratcave, yes.

VICKY
Well, I wanted to talk to Supermouse and Ratboy.

MOUSEWOMAN
We really need to work on our name recognition. Hi, I’m Mousewoman.

RATMAN
I’m Ratman.

37
 VICKY
I’m Vicky. I’m one of the Victorias for the UCU confessions page, and I’ve got something
that I think you guys might want to see. Do you mind if I sit down?

ALBERT
Right here, miss.

VICKY sits in the chair offered by ALBERT

VICKY
Well, I think you noticed some of the confessions posted have not been very…
superhero-friendly lately. I realised that none of these confessions talking about
superheroes were actually sent in through our form. Which means…

RATMAN
That all of the people who hate superheroes don’t know how to use computers!

VICKY
No. It means that one of the other Victorias is using their power… for evil! So, I had a
look at their laptops… and I realised that it was Victor.

BOBBIN
Wow, he doesn’t look like any of the nuns at the top of the page at all!

VICKY
That’s… Whatever. This is his laptop, and I think it has some important information for
you all. ​(opens up the laptop, everyone gathers around her) I​ took the liberty of going
through his browsing history.

MOUSEWOMAN
Ew! ...what’s he into?

VICKY
Not like that. I noticed that he has been corresponding quite regularly with the UCSA
and even more often with someone called... Poison IB?

BOBBIN
That must be the woman in the green tights! Wow, what a stupid name.

38
 RATMAN
Says Bobbin.

MOUSEWOMAN
Says Ratman.

ALBERT
Says Mousewoman. No offense.

VICKY
...right. I think Poison IB and Victor are up to something bad.

RATMAN
Ah, yeah, we solved that problem! They tried to brainwash people at Bartender’s, but
we already have the cure.

VICKY
Well, that’s not all. Apparently, Victor and Poison IB are organising Prom together.
Victor has been making some shady purchases. He went to marktplaats and tried to buy
an iceberg, then he bought a boat from www.boatsthatsink.nl... and finally, he bought a
total of four bitterballen for all of prom!

RATMAN
Do you know what that means? We need to go to Prom and thwart their plan!

MOUSEWOMAN
Do we look like we have the money for a Prom ticket?

RATMAN
Well, well, well, well, well, well, looks like someone’s superpowers of being fucking rich
might come in handy after all.

BOBBIN
Let’s go!

BOBBIN, JEFF, RATMAN and MOUSEWOMAN run off together. After a moment...

ALBERT
Well… could I bother you for a cup of tea?

39
LIGHTS OUT

40
Scene 11: Campus Endgame (but on a boat, actually fun fact it’s the same boat as the
one where Pompey got killed) (Alex gtfo with your random Roman boat facts)

The SAMS are standing completely rigid, scattered around the stage, facing different
directions. Dance music is playing. After we have played the entirety of Lee Jung
Hyun’s debut EDM album (Alex gtfo with your random EDM facts), the villains enter
stage right. They walk among the motionless crowd, admiring their work.

POISON IB
Ah, a tremendous success! Prom this year is so lit.

VICTOR
As lit as when Voltaire was on fire. Well, on to the final phase of the plan.

POISON IB
(shouts to the SAMS) ​Everybody in my unit follows the cleaning schedule! ​(SAMS turn
to her) ​Alright, minions, when the next UCSA elections come around, you will all vote for
Victor as treasurer and Poison IB as chair!

VICTOR
(laughs) ​We will rid this campus of its rodent infestation! And after we’ve dealt with the
superheroes, we’ll handle the actual mice and rats as well.

POISON IB
(powertripping - already ready to become a UCSA member) A ​ nd then… campus will be
at our feet. I’m going to expand the EcologiCo garden until it encompasses all of
campus!

VICTOR
I’ll make sure that we rule with an iron fist. The media will be completely in our grasp -
only our close friends will be installed in the Boomerang and Scope boards. Basically
just the way every board is formed, but on a bigger scale. And just so that people won’t
make dumb jokes about the UCSA anymore - we’ll ban Super Sticky!

POISON IB
We could also just ban frats and sororities and watch them fail to come up with new
jokes.

VICTOR

41
Hah! And then, worst of all, an unthinkable evil: we’ll add ten more cents to the beer
prices!

VICTOR and POISON IB laugh evilly.

POISON IB
Let’s celebrate!

POISON IB and VICTOR start dancing majestically. The SAMS bob along in the
background. After a moment, the superheroes enter stage left - RATMAN jumps off of
whatever.

RATMAN
I’m Ratman!

POISON IB
We know who you are. Who’s the dude in the bathrobe?

JEFF
I am hamster…

MOUSEWOMAN coughs

JEFF
(sighs) ​My sidekick name is still a topic of discussion.

BOBBIN
Doesn’t matter what our names are! We came here to eat bitterballen and kick ass - and
they very quickly ran out of bitterballen! Get ready for your evil plot to be thwarted!

VICTOR
Hah! Too late. All of the Prom guests are already under our command.

JEFF
Hah! You’re too late. We have found the cure to your poison.

VICTOR
​ hit! They smoked weed.
(to himself/to the side) S

42
JEFF holds his blunt to the mouth of whichever SAM is closest. SAM smokes it and
returns to normal.

SAM 4
Where am I?

JEFF goes around and cures the other SAMS, who eventually come to their senses and
exit stage right.

MOUSEWOMAN
The jig is up! Surrender now, and we’ll keep you out of prison. Instead, you will take
Research in Context - again!

POISON IB
Do you think that this was our only plan? You foiled plan A, now get ready for plan B.
Victor and I are the only ones who know how to steer this ship, so unless we take action
now, we will sail straight into that iceberg over there! ​(points, the heroes give a little start
at the giant iceberg that they should have seen already)

BOBBIN
So that’s why they bought an iceberg. Really, we could have seen that coming.

MOUSEWOMAN
Literally and figuratively.

VICTOR
There is one way to prevent us from hitting the iceberg and sinking this boat to the
bottom of the gracht. Campus has to declare us as the new UCSA board right now!

JEFF and BOBBIN

​ e’ll never let you get away with that!
(jumping forward in unison) W

JEFF and BOBBIN dash forward and start fighting VICTOR, as RATMAN and
MOUSEWOMAN fight POISON IB. VICTOR eventually has BOBBIN and JEFF in a
headlock. After a few moments, MOUSEWOMAN snatches a script that POISON IB has
on her person. She jumps back and the fight cools down when she starts speaking.

MOUSEWOMAN

43
Ratman, I’ve got her notes for the evil speech! Now I know how to stop their plan…
(takes out pen, scribbles something in the speech) ​Poison IB! Read your line out for me
again, please.

MOUSEWOMAN hands POISON IB her notes and POISON IB reads her line out again.

POISON IB
“Victor and I are the only ones who know how to steer this ship, so unless we take
action now, we will sail straight into that.... miceberg over there.”? What the hell is a
miceberg?

MOUSEWOMAN
​ ook, I’ve turned the entire thing into a big mice pile
It’s a berg made of mice! ​(points) L
already. They’re scattering all over the city - sorry UU peeps - and our path is clear!

POISON IB
​ ooo! Our whole plan ruined!
(collapses to the floor) N

RATMAN
You know what, Mousewoman? With your superpowers and my money we make a
pretty good team...

RATMAN and MOUSEWOMAN do a forearm shake

MOUSEWOMAN
I suppose we do.

BOBBIN
Uh… guys?

JEFF
We also helped!

MOUSEWOMAN
Oh shit, yeah. Victor, unhand my sidekick and the love of my life!

BOBBIN
​ he… love of your life?
(touched) T

44
 JEFF and VICTOR
​ he love of your life?
(Weirded out) T

RATMAN
​ obbin?
(disgusted) B

VICTOR lets go of BOBBIN and JEFF. BOBBIN jumps into MOUSEWOMAN’S arms.

LIGHTS OUT

45
Scene 12: crowd pleaser for the horny fuckers on campus

The lights turn on to reveal RATMAN, JEFF, VICTOR and POISON IB sitting
side-by-side very awkwardly. They are silent for a moment. Someone coughs. JEFF is
sharing his weed with VICTOR.

RATMAN
So… how long till the boat docks again?

POISON IB
(checks her watch) ​Uh… about two hours.

Moment of silence

JEFF
(sighs) ​So, kind of awkward that we can’t get off the boat now.

POISON IB
Yeah, that was my idea, sorry about that.

VICTOR
We should have had the evil plan unfold a bit later, that was on us.

MOUSEWOMAN and BOBBIN enter stage right, adjusting their clothes

MOUSEWOMAN
Sorry guys, we just had to go to the toilet at the exact same time. What a coincidence!

MOUSEWOMAN and BOBBIN sit down next to RATMAN, who scoots over slightly, in
fear/disgust.

BOBBIN
Ah, I’m so happy that we’re no longer fighting. Nothing brings people together quite like
a mass poisoning.

MOUSEWOMAN
​ ou know, Ratman, I think we can
Yeah, I’m happy about that too. ​(turns to RATMAN) Y
bury the hatchet. Let’s work together from now on.

46
 RATMAN
(sniffles, wipes away a tear and nods) ​...I’m Ratman.

POISON IB
Wait, does that mean… that you guys won’t fight in the EcologiCo garden anymore?

RATMAN
I suppose it does. From now on, you can trim your cabbages in peace.

POISON IB
(Jumps up in excitement) O​ h, finally! Now we can plant that coconut tree that we
budgeted for. I’m going to tell the whole board! ​(exits stage left)

VICTOR
That’s all fine and dandy, but you guys working together is not going to bring my
chemistry thesis back.

JEFF
You know, Victor, dude, why don’t you write something about the effect of medicinal
marijuana in counteracting brainwashing substances? Everyone who was at Prom is
already, like, the perfect test subject; you’ve basically done all your field research.

VICTOR
Oh, dude, you’re right! I’m going to go run some experiments right away! ​(gets up)
Wanna help out?

JEFF
Oh, dude, like, I’m just 100% down.

JEFF and VICTOR exit stage left

RATMAN
Is anybody going to mention all of the ethical concerns in this experiment?

BOBBIN
Well, Ratman, since we still have almost two hours on this boat, I was thinking we could
have a nice sidekick-superhero heart-to-heart.

RATMAN

47
Bobbin?

BOBBIN
Yes, Ratman?

RATMAN
Do you still have that paragliding equipment I gave you?

BOBBIN
Of course, I put it right where the coats are.

RATMAN
Good. I’m going to paraglide off this boat, please never suggest something ridiculous
like a heart-to-heart ever again.

RATMAN gets up, and then stands still for a moment, deep in thought. He gives
BOBBIN the quickest and most awkward hug ever. Then he runs off, exiting stage left.

BOBBIN
I’m getting very mixed signals here.

MOUSEWOMAN
Well… not from me.

BOBBIN
Oh, Mousewoman…

MOUSEWOMAN gets up and offers BOBBIN her hand

MOUSEWOMAN
Come, Bobbin, I want to show you something.

BOBBIN takes MOUSEWOMAN’S hand and she walks him to the front of the stage.
There, she spreads his ​cheeks ​arms and does the Titanic T-pose.

BOBBIN
Oh, Mousewoman, I’m flying! ​(notices something) O ​ h, and Ratman is flying right over
there! Oh, how beautiful, I can see the whole wide water from here… well, really it’s only
like 15 meters wide because it’s a canal, but still!

48
 MOUSEWOMAN
Isn’t it romantic?

MOUSEWOMAN and BOBBIN stay in the T-pose position for a pretty long time, as their
faces slowly go from full of joy to full of awkwardness

MOUSEWOMAN
So, uhm… about two more hours, right?

BOBBIN
Yeah… my arms are getting pretty tired.

Some more silence

MOUSEWOMAN
Wanna go look for a car and recreate another Titanic scene?

BOBBIN
​ eah let’s do that.
(nods) Y

They let go of each other, turn around, and walk off-stage.

LIGHTS OUT

49
Quotes
“No, you’re not gonna look sexy this Super
Sticky.”
“But what about...him ​being ​a dick?”
“I was like… Pip but as a human. But no, that’s a
furry.”
“Have you seen the Lego Batman movie? You
should, it’s an excellent movie.”
“Vibing.” -Elisa
“There is nothing like a printer to bring out the
primordial in humans.”
“I’m a printer fucker.”
“We need to stop thinking about fucking
because it is affecting our productivity.”
“No treefucking in our script.”
“We have a show in two weeks.” - “What are you
talking about, two weeks? *checks calendar* OH
FUCK WE HAVE A SHOW IN TWO WEEKS!”
“I do not care about Keye’s shirt.”
“I want to have it noted that I was a genius from
the beginning.”
“I feel like Mousewoman here should just groin.”
“You know when a girl is eating your ass and
you just think to yourself: “But does she like
me?””
“We are subtlety incarnate”
“I am personally against having Ratman fuck.”
“Which of the actors has a yummy butt?”
“Wait, Alfredo isn’t even a woman’s name.”
“I’ve just become primed. I’m just thinking of ass
all day.”
“I have to admit, I looked up countrymatch.com.
That is my fault and my responsibility.”
“It’s like a rat, you know. You don’t know it, but
you’re always ten metres away from the next
cowboy.”
“Campus-related or 9/11-related?”
“We can brainstorm while we watch this child.”
“We have moved on to making fun of the poor
campus cat.”
“We do not have asses.”
“I feel like Jeff’s motivation could also just be
seeing that a whole room of people got
poisoned.”
“Google is not sick, bro.”
“Why is everyone so stupid?”
“He a dumbass.”
“Mousewoman is, as her name says, one of
UCU’s great intellectual titans.”
“We respect Rishabh WAY more than all of our
other actors.”
“Did you just put Ivan in all the roles that exist?”
“Do you prefer Justus over us? Offense taken,
but understood.”
“I want non-sexual cheeks!”
“TJ is getting her interaction with Keye, she will
get punched in the face”
“All the Sams, including Bobbin.”
“I’m gonna vibe to the toilet.”
“I’m not ready to become a middle-aged woman
yet.”
“There’s bigger boats to fry.”
“Bigger boats to fry is like a phrase from another
universe where it’s fish frying boats instead of
boats frying fish.”
“If you’re a person, you’re always morally
superior to the boat.”
“This is what Super Sticky is about.
Haute-Couture, but, like, for comedy.”
“Thank you for filtering my dumbass.”
“I like your energy, but not your sentences.”
“You guys go write a sentence, then!” - “No.”
“BECAUSE IT’S A BIG LEBOWSKI
REFERENCE.” (in perfect unison)
“Paris at the mall?” - Emma, who has never
heard of Paracetamol before.
“Supermouse is recognised by the spelling
system, but Ratboy is not. Hmm… political.” -
“How is THAT political?”
“It’s like a fluffy little egg!”
“Yes, I am aware of what ‘rat’ means.”
“But I like sucking our own dick!”
“Bees eat ass like a fine carbonara.” - “I think
we’re getting off-topic.”
Typos
“Acnoledge”
“Boobin grons in the background”
“Superhoes”
“Poisend”
“Coinversation”
“Weirderd out”
“My arms are getting pretty tires.”
50