What is Your Phone Doing to Your Relationships?

14/11/20, 2:26 AM

MEDIA & TECH | Articles & More

What is Your ! !

Phone Doing to
Your
Relationships?
New research is exploring how phubbing
—ignoring someone in favor of our
mobile phone—hurts our relationships,
and what we can do about it.
BY EMMA SEPPALA | OCTOBER 10, 2017

Phubbing is the practice of snubbing others in

favor of our mobile phones. We’ve all been there,
as either victim or perpetrator. We may no longer
even notice when we’ve been phubbed (or are
phubbing), it has become such a normal part of
life. However, research studies are revealing the
profound impact phubbing can have on our
relationships and well-being.

There’s an irony in phubbing. When we’re staring

at our phones, we’re often connecting with
someone on social media or through texting.
Sometimes, we’re flipping through our pictures
the way we once turned the pages of photo
albums, remembering moments with people we
love. Unfortunately, however, this can severely

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disrupt our actual, present-moment, in-person

relationships, which also tend to be our most
important ones.

The research shows that phubbing isn’t harmless

—but the studies to date also point the way to a
healthier relationship with our phones and with
each other.

What phubbing does to us

In

a study poignantly titled, “My life has become a

major distraction from my cell phone,” Meredith
David and James Roberts suggest that phubbing
can lead to a decline in one of the most important
relationships we can have as an adult: the one
with our life partner.

According to their study of 145 adults, phubbing

decreases marital satisfaction, in part because it
leads to conflict over phone use. The scientists
found that phubbing, by lowering marital
satisfaction, affected a partner’s depression and
satisfaction with life. A follow-up study by
Chinese scientists assessed 243 married adults
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with similar results: Partner phubbing, because it

was associated with lower marital satisfaction,
contributed to greater feelings of depression.

Phubbing also shapes our casual friendships. Not

surprisingly to anyone who has been
phubbed, phone users are generally seen as less
polite and attentive. Let’s not forget that we are
extremely attuned to people. When someone’s
eyes wander, we intuitively know what brain
studies also show: The mind is wandering. We feel
unheard, disrespected, disregarded.

A set of studies actually showed that just having a

phone out and present during a conversation (say,
on the table between you) interferes with your
sense of connection to the other person, the
feelings of closeness experienced, and the quality
of the conversation. This phenomenon is
especially the case during meaningful
conversations—you lose the opportunity for true
and authentic connection to another person, the
core tenet of any friendship or relationship.

In fact, many of the problems with mobile

interaction relate to distraction from the physical
presence of other people. According to these
studies, conversations with no smartphones
present are rated as significantly higher-
quality than those with smartphones around,
regardless of people’s age, ethnicity, gender, or
mood. We feel more empathy when smartphones
are put away.
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This makes sense. When we are on our phones,

we are not looking at other people and not
reading their facial expressions (tears in their
eyes, frowns, smiles). We don’t hear the nuances
in their tone of voice (was it shaky with anxiety?),
or notice their body posture (slumped and sad? or
excited and enthusiastic?).

No wonder phubbing harms relationships.

The way of the phubbed

What do “phubbed” people tend do?

According to a study published in March of this

year, they themselves start to turn to social media.
Presumably, they do so to seek inclusion. They
may turn to their cell phone to distract
themselves from the very painful feelings of being
socially neglected. We know from brain-imaging
research that being excluded registers as actual
physical pain in the brain. Phubbed people in
turn become more likely to attach themselves to
their phones in unhealthy ways, thereby
increasing their own feelings of stress and
depression.

A Facebook study shows that how we interact on

Facebook affects whether it makes us feel good or
bad. When we use social media just to passively
view others’ posts, our happiness
decreases. Another study showed that social
media actually makes us more lonely.

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“It is ironic that cell phones, originally designed

as a communication tool, may actually hinder
rather than foster interpersonal connectedness,”
write David and Roberts in their study “Phubbed
and Alone.” Their results suggest the creation of a
vicious circle: A phubbed individual turns to
social media and their compulsive behavior
presumably leads them to phub others—
perpetuating and normalizing the practice and
problem of “phubbing.”

“It is ironic that cell phones,

originally designed as a
communication tool, may
actually hinder rather than
foster interpersonal
connectedness”
―Meredith David and James Roberts

Why do people get into the phubbing habit in the

first place? Not surprisingly, fear of missing out
and lack of self-control predict phubbing.
However, the most important predictor is
addiction—to social media, to the cell phone, and
to the Internet. Internet addiction has similar
brain correlates to physiological forms like

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addiction to heroine and other recreational drugs.

The impact of this addiction is particularly
worrisome for children whose brain and social
skills are still under development.

Nicholas Kardaras, former Stony Brook Medicine

clinical professor and author of Glow Kids, goes so
far as to liken screen time to digital
cocaine. Consider this: The urge to check social
media is stronger than the urge for sex, according
to research by Chicago University’s Wilhelm
Hoffman.

These findings come as no surprise—decades

of research have shown that our greatest need
after food and shelter is for positive social
connections with other people. We are profoundly
social people for whom connection and a sense of
belonging are crucial for health and happiness. (In
fact, lack thereof is worse for you than smoking,
high blood pressure, and obesity.) So, we err
sometimes. We look for connection on social
media at the cost of face-to-face opportunities for
true intimacy.

How to stop phubbing

people
To prevent phubbing, awareness is the only
solution. Know that what drives you and others is
to connect and to belong. While you may not be

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able to control the behavior of others, you

yourself have opportunities to model something
different.

Research by Barbara Fredrickson, beautifully

described in her book Love 2.0, suggests that
intimacy happens in micro-moments: talking over
breakfast, the exchange with the UPS guy, the
smile of a child. The key is to be present and
mindful. A revealing study showed that we are
happiest when we are present, no matter what we
are doing. Can we be present with the person in
front of us right now, no matter who it is?

Gift of
Time
Spend
quality time
with people
you care
about

Try It Now

Studies by Paula Niedenthal reveal that the most

essential and intimate form of connection is eye
contact. Yet social media is primarily verbal.
Research conducted by scientists like the GGSC’s
Dacher Keltner and others have shown that
posture and the most minute facial expressions

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(the tightening of our lips, the crow’s feet of

smiling eyes, upturned eyebrows in sympathy or
apology) communicate more than our words.

Most importantly, they are at the root of empathy

—the ability to sense what another person is
feeling—which is so critical to authentic human
connection. Research shows that altruism and
compassion also make us happier and healthier,
and can even lengthen our lives. True connection
thrives on presence, openness, observation,
compassion, and, as Brené Brown has so
beautifully shared in her TED talk and her
bestselling book Daring Greatly, vulnerability. It
takes courage to connect with another person
authentically, yet it is also the key to fulfillment.

What to do if you are

phubbed
What if you are phubbed? Patience and
compassion are key here. Understand that the
phubber is probably not doing it with malicious
intent, but rather is following an impulse
(sometimes irresistible) to connect. Just like you
or I, their goal is not to exclude. To the contrary,
they are looking for a feeling of inclusion. After
all, a telling sociological study shows that
loneliness is rising at an alarming rate in our
society.

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What’s
more,
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people’s reactions to phubbing. According to

studies, older participants and women advocate
for more restricted phone use in most social
situations. Men differ from women in that they
viewed phone calls as more appropriate in
virtually all environments including—and this is
quite shocking—intimate settings. Similarly, in
classrooms, male students find phubbing far less
disturbing than their female counterparts.

Perhaps even worse than disconnecting from

others, however, Internet addiction and phubbing
disconnect us from ourselves. Plunged into a
virtual world, we hunch over a screen, strain our

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eyes unnecessarily, and tune out completely from

our own needs—for sleep, exercise, even food. A
disturbing study indicates that for every minute
we spend online for leisure, we’re not just
compromising our relationships, we are also
losing precious self-care time (e.g., sleep,
household activities) and productivity.

So, the next time you’re with another human and

you feel tempted to pull out your phone—stop.
Put it away. Look them in the eyes, and listen to
what they have to say. Do it for them, do it for
yourself, do it to make the world a better place.

About the Author

Emma Seppala

Emma Seppälä, Ph.D., is science director

of Stanford University’s Center for
Compassion and Altruism Research and
! Follow Education and the author of The
Happiness Track (HarperOne, 2016).

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