Aliens Vs.

Aliens

By Sarah Reilly

Characters

Jat, President of Planet Dukon (Adult)

Puk, The President’s Daughter

Asos, Commander of Intelligence

(Planet Dukon- inside the President’ office. President Jat is sitting behind his desk reading a document. There is
a knock at the door.)

Jat: Come in, come in.

(Enter Puk.)

Puk: Hello father.

Jat: Puk! What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at school?

Puk: I wanted to see you. There’s something I need to tell you .

Jat: What is it? Sit down, sit down.

(Puk sits down.)

Puk: Well… the thing is…. Me and some mates were playing ‘Instakill’ last week and we stumbled across
another planet.

Jat: Well there’s nothing strange about that son, we all know there are other planets out there.

Puk: But this was different, father. We found ourselves listening to conversations about an invasion. We think
it must have been their Head of Intelligence.

Jat: I see.

Puk: Is that all you’ve got to say? ‘I see’?

Jat: The thing is. I have my own Head of Intelligence. I really don’t think you need to worry yourself about it.
Now why don’t you run along and…

Puk: There’s more.

Jat: What? Spit it out then Puk, I haven’t got all day.

Puk: Aliens are going to invade planet Earth in six months.

Jat: Yes, Puk, that would be us. We are going to invade planet Earth, not that I should be telling you. And
actually it’s not invasion, more like a takeover. Now off you go and make sure you keep this under your hat.

Puk: No, not us, father. Other Aliens. They plan to wipe out all humans. At exactly the same time we were
planning to.

Jat: And how exactly, did you know when we were planning to?
Puk: Uhmm… well, me and my mates must’ve accidentally got mixed up with your airwaves too…

Jat: Are you sure you got this right?

Puk: And they’re not just invading planet Earth, they are going to kill all human life!

Jat: I see. Well that’s not very friendly is it? Now, if you don’t mind, I’m rather busy. Go back to your mates and
try and spend a little bit less time on ‘Instakill’ and a little bit more on your studies.

Puk: It turns out they’ve been planning it for years, you know.

Jat: (Leans back in his chair) Ahh, but is that light years or human years? You know how we always get them
mixed up.

Puk: This is definitely human years.

Jat: Look, Puk. I appreciate you coming to tell me about all this but… well, don’t you think I would have heard
about it by now? From my own staff? I had a meeting with Commander Asos only yesterday…

Puk: You would if they ever did any work.

Jat: Excuse me? Have some respect!

Puk: It’s true. I’ve seen them. They spend all day playing ‘Instakill’ too!

Jat: Now look her Puk…

(There is a violent knock at the door. Commander Asos walks in.)

Asos: Sir! Sir!

Jat: Ahh, Commander. We were just talking about you.

Asos: Sir? (The commander sees Puk) Excuse me but there’s something urgent I have to tell you. We’ve just
received some intelligence.

Jat: I see. (President Jat and Puk look at each other) Go on Commander.

Asos: (Looking at Puk, feeling uncomfortable) It’s… er… private sir. You know… Confidential.

Jat: Oh, don’t worry about Puk here. I think she may want to hear what you have to say.

Asos: Well, if you insist.

Jat: I do insist. Please, carry on.

Asos: It would seem that there are other Aliens, unfriendly Aliens, about to invade Planet Earth.

Jat: Planet Earth, yes Commander, we already knew about that. Didn’t we Puk?

Asos: What?!

Jat: It seems that while you were busy playing ‘Instakill’, Puk here was already on the case.

Asos: But… but…

Jat: Oh, nevermind Commander, sit down. (Pause) Puk? It seems I owe you an apology. It seems you have
more intelligence than I credited you for. So… where do we go from here?

Asos: But sir….

Jat: SILENCE! Puk?

Puk: The way I see it, sir, we have two choices. We either go in straight away or abandon it altogether.

Jat: Go in? But we’re not prepared. We need more time. Wait a minute, I have an idea. How about we warn
planet Earth?

Puk: But that would be suicide! Nobody knows of our existence, we’ve taken great care to remain hidden, it is
our finest achievement.

Jat: Yws, yes, I know all of that. Did you know all of that Commander?

Asos: Er…

Puk: (Standing up.) Our colony must avoid detection!

Jat: Alright, alright, sit down! No need to get so excited. What else is there to do? Sit back and watch Earth
humanity wiped out?

Puk: I can’t see any alternative. Even sending Earth a transmission would pick us at risk of being discovered
before we’re ready to reveal ourselves. We cannot compromise our hiding place.

Jat: Yes, yes, you’ve already said that! Are we powerless to help?

Puk: In my opinion father, yes.

Jat: And what about you Commander?

Asos: Um… I hadn’t got that far.

Jat: I see. And just how far had you got? ‘Instakill Two’ by any chance?

Asos: No sir… we know the Aliens are from planet Artok sir.

Jat: I see. Are they humanoid?

Asos: Yes… and no sir.

Jat: Well? Which is it?

Asos: Part humanoid, part humanoid, sir. Smaller than humans, four limbs, two wings, no hair.

Jat: Wings?

Puk: Yes father. They can fly.

Jat: Damn it!

Puk: And there’s something you should know.

Jat: Yes?
Puk: They can read minds.

Asos: I knew that.

Jat: That’s not good, not good at all.

Puk: And…

Jat: Oh dear…

Puk: They can see one day into the future.

Asos: I was just about to say that.

Jat: Only one day?

Puk: They’re working on it.

Jat: Oh, Commander, so what are their plans?

Asos: Uhmm…

Jat: (Sighs heavily and turns to Puk) Puk?

Puk: From what we can gather, they plan to wipe out planet Earth through technology.

Jat: What do you mean?

Puk: Well, as you know, for the last fifty years. Earthlings have gradually lost the ability to communicate
without technology.

Jat: Carry on.

Puk: So planet Artok intend to attack through telecommunications. Switch off radio, TV, mobile phones. But
they’ll also sabotage social media – Facebook, MySpace, Twitter etc. Nobody will be able to
communicate unless they have an actual conversation. No children will be able to play on iPads,
Laptops or Mobile Phones.

Jat: Oh dear.

Puk: They won’t be able to watch television, play video games, no communications.

Jat: But that will kill them!

Puk: Precisely!

Jat: Genius! So what you’re saying is, they’re not going to use weapons to attack the planet Earth?

Puk: No father, not that at all.

Jat: What you’re saying is…

Puk: What I’m saying is, that by removing all their gadgets, the Earthlings will in fact, die of boredom!

Jat: Brilliant!

Asos: Yes! Brilliant!

Puk: How is that brilliant? There will be nothing left for us!

Jat: What? Ah yes, good point.

Asos: Yes, good point!

(Kat and PUK glare at Asos. Jat gets up and walks around the table.)
Jat: Tell me something PUk? Have you ever heard of a human being called Albert Einstein?

Puk: No, who’s he?

Jat: Well, if you’d spent more time on your studies you would know about him. He lived on planet Earth and he
was what they call a ‘genius’. A long time ago, he predicted that technology would surpass human
interaction, leaving a word full of idiots. It seems he was right. This could be Earth’s downfall.

Puk: Solid.

Jat: There’s just one thing I don’t understand.

Puk: What’s that, sir?

Jat: If the Aliens from Planet Artok are so smart, why haven’t they landed on our planet?

Asos: Good point, Mr. President.

Puk: Ahh, that’s simple. Their intelligence is only in the mind.

Jat: (Shocked) Really?

Asos: I thought you said they could fly.

Puk: I did, but it turns out they’re restricted by their body composition and nowhere near as advanced as us in
that respect. It seems they need the same elements to survive as humans do. Which is perfect for
planet Earth but if they came with a billion miles of our planet, they would explode.

Jat: (Standing up and walking over to put his arm around Puk’s shoulders) Puk? I would just like to say that I am
very proud of you. I shouldn’t have doubted you. You kids grow up so fast these days.

Puk: (Embarrassed, shaking his father off) There’s another problem.

Jat: What?

Puk: Our atmosphere is bad.

Jat: I beg your pardon?

Puk: It’s toxic. Poisonous.

Asos: Are you telling us that planet Artok has oxygen?

Puk: And water, hydrogen and nitrogen.

Jat: I say!

Puk: They even have the same level of gravity.

Asos: Ah, but what about the temperature? If these aliens don’t have hair, won’t they get a bit cold?
Puk: It must be a risk they are willing to take.

Jat: How far are they from planet Earth?

Puk: Forty-eight million miles.

Jat: Ha! There we are then! Surely it will take more than six months for them to get there, by which time we
will have taken over.

Asos: Exactly sir!

Puk: N we won’t. I’m afraid their spacecraft are highly developed. They’ve used water and carbon dioxide to
make methane fuel and they are good to go.

Jat: (Shaking his hands in the air) Ok, ok, I’ve heard enough. It’s taken five hundred and eighty six years to plan
this and we’ve been piped at post. As I see this, there’s only one hope for the humanoids.

Puk: What’s that father?

Jat: We somehow leak it to Earth about Artok’s plans. That gives them six months to prepare. They’ll have to
wean themselves off all computers and go back to communicating with speech. They must get
through a day without pressing buttons and watching screens. Actually interact and be social beings
again. They must talk to each other.

Asos: I agree with you sir. It’s the only way they can survive.

Puk: Father, we’ve been watching planet Earth for fifty years now. And that ain’t never gonna happen.

(Curtain)