ZEN AND THE ART OF SLACK========================by James "Kibo" ParryMy mantra is

"mantra, dammit". As I sit here on my zafu (that's a Zen meditation pillow

stuffedwith tofu), I reach satori even though I live downstairs from thedemolition
derby rink. I feel a oneness with the itch in my first chakra. I feel a oneness
with the Pet Rock I used to own. I feel a twoness with myself. I realize that
everything is either something or a hole insomething. Or, perhaps, everything is
one big hole and the somethingsare holes within the hole. I shift my weight
imperceptibly and the zafumakes a fart noise. Upstairs, two old Trans Ams,
surplus from "Knight Rider", collide. I can hear the sound of my blood moving
through my inner ears. Irealize that everything which exists is made up of little
dots arrangedin diagonal rows. A cockroach runs across the floor and into my zafu.
I realize that "Bob"'s teeth are clenched and his Pipe is notbetween them. The
teeth are joined and the Pipe ends in front of them.His nose casts a shadow on the
Pipe and the Pipe casts a shadow on hischin but they do not touch. I have reached
enfuckinglightenment! As I nearly fall off my zafu, it farts again, blowing the
cockroachinto the next room. There once was a novice monk named Bho Zho who
asked the master, "Does a house burn up or burn down?" The master set
fire to the novice's house, after taking all his money. As the house burned both
up and down, the novice was enlightened. I bow to the Sacred Halftone Print
of "Bob" to thank him for theenlightenment. As I do so, "Bob"'s face shimmers and
blurs before myface. All I see is the Dots but not the Smile. All I see is the
Smilewithout the Dots. I see both. I see neither. I see the hair of DesiArnaz, the
eyes and mouth of Pee-wee Herman, the jaw of Jay Leno allcombined in a blender:
"Bob". "Bob" is before me and I am "Bob" and yesterday is tomorrow and Iam the
walrus mama dada googoo chihuahuahuahua ommmmmmmmm "Yo! Yo! Stop with the
satoiri already!" "Bob" steps out of thepicture, slaps me, and pours himself a Dr
Pepper. He sits on my zafu,which makes a sound like a tuba. I sit on a tatami which
is beginningto sprout. "Bob" looks me in the eye. "Cool it with the meditation,
guy, it's dull. It's `Bosom Buddies'without the laughtrack. It's the sound of one
lip chapping. It's abicycle riding a fish, a steamroller being run over by a
birthday cake.It just doesn't compare to the fun stuff, especially sex." I avoid
meeting "Bob"'s gaze as I whisper, "He who claims someonedoes not have Buddha-
nature has no Buddha-nature." "Hey, it's easier to say `Slack' than `Buddha-
nature', you know. Or`swellness'. They're all the same thing. You're on a true path
toenlightenment, but true paths have true dirt and true mosquitoes... falsepaths
are much better. Give me your money now." "I have no money, just one zafu, one
tatami, my oryoki, this setsustick, an inflatable Buddha, a tofu log, all three
"Sweatin' to theOldies" tapes, a disposable zabuton, a pile of bulk miso, myZen-
to-English dictionary..." "AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE!" "Bob" waggles his
eyebrows andsmiles. "But seriously, pal, I'll take it all and pretend it's cash
equivalent. Hey, after I take your zafu, I'll even give you a receipt.Get it? Re-
seat!" "Bob" packs all my worldly possessions into his seeminglybottomless
pockets and he leads me out of the monastery. Millisecondslater, a black Trans Am
falls through the ceiling, crashing right wherewe had been sitting. It yells
insults at us as we walk to the pebblegarden. "This eggplant in my pocket is
like an elephant," said Bhoddyohdor. "Yet this elephant in my pocket is like
a pair of wax lips," replied Tai Dhee Bhoul. Just then, Master Rhais
Ahroni strolled past. "Tell us," begged Bhoddyohdor and Tai Dhee Bhoul, "Is the
eggplant like the elephant which is like the wax lips, or should we just go
watch sitcoms all day?" The master ate the eggplant, shot the elephant,
and got germs on the wax lips. The novices were not enlightened. The master
laughed. "Bob" is using my rake to draw Snoopy in my pebble garden. "So,Kibo,
why the heck do you have all these pebbles filling up a perfectlygood wading pool?"
"Raking the pebbles is a task which accomplishes nothing. The goalis to clear the
mind by doing nothing." "Um, hey, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't `doing
nothing' doingsomething? So by doing nothing, you're doing something, therefore
you're not accomplishing the nothing in the first place! You can't notdo anything."
He is clearly suffering from Buddha called dhiarrhea of the mouth.I say, "You have
Bozo-nature." "Of course. Because if I said I were not a bozo, I would be
provingmyself to be a bozo! Now, are you a bozo?" At that moment, the
enlightenment clears from my mind and I devolveto a lower plane of being. "Bob"
congratulates me by giving me a wiglike his. We go out for a beer. "What is
the meaning of this story?" asked the novice. "Also, what is the sound of one
hand clapping, and what's a zabuton? Why does Fox cancel all its shows every
season? And why the hell does your Pipe's stem hover a quarter-inch in front of
your mouth?" "Slack," said the master. "Pure, unadulterated slack. But I
lie." At that moment, the novice dropped dead before finishing this sto