W: More organized and be able to keep track of what to do

O: I would be able to have more time and don’t have to worry about forgetting something

O: The obstacles would be my laziness and sometimes when I don’t note something down I
forget about it.

P: I think I should start to note or put everything that I have to do on my phone as a checklist, so
I don’t forget what to do.

Results:

I made a schedule which helped me with keeping track of my work.

W: To play electronic devices less than before

O:I would be more productive and find other things to do.

O: The obstacles would be that I might not be able to stop myself.

P: I will try to not keep my devices near me, so I won’t be tempted at home.

Results:

My screen time went down by 34% compared to last week.

Outline:

Introduction:

About me and my hobbies

Body paragraph:

What I think of myself

What I have done in the past

What department did I choose to join and why I am joining that department

Conclusion:

What I would do if I manage to get in?

How I would feel on getting accepted?

Outline first draft:

From birth, I was a child in a family full of business owners. Whenever they work they

would bring me around and as a curious child I would take in everything I saw and heard. This

made me pretty familiar to this type of work and it inspired me to follow the footsteps that my

parents took. Now I am a grade 12 student in MUIDS and it is my final year there. During my

past school year at MUIDS, I took a lot of course related to business management such as

economics and leadership skills. I know that it is hard and takes a lot of time, but I want to be a

successful business owner. That is why I try to learn the basics of business management during

my high school year as much as I can. At first I was aiming for the medical way and wanted to

be a doctor, but after I thought about it a little more I felt that I still have some passion left for

business management and decided to switch to that instead. I might have missed a full year, but
I worked hard in subjects related to business management to make up for what I have missed.

When I discussed the path that I wish to take to some of my parents and peers, I decided that I

would join the BBA department at MUIC.

I chose to aim for the BBA department because I think I would be fit for it. I think that I

have what is necessary to be a business student. I think of myself as someone who would not

mock others for their ideas. Many people told me that I was someone who was a good listener

and would never interrupt them while they are talking. They also told me that I have what it

takes to be a good leader and if I plan to be a business manager then I will need to be able to

be a good leader who everyone would look up to and respect. I also have a lot of experience in

this field since most of the members of my family are business owners. I have been asked to

help out many times in my family business. Some of the things I did was helping organizing an

event similar to a concert where the parents will come and watch their children dance and sing

on stage. I have done this many times, so I am pretty much experienced in dealing with

organizing an event and preparing everything such as the food, the game booths, the stages,

and the technology needed for the concert. Having done this, I am confident that I can hold my

ground as a business owner because of all the past experience that I have gathered since my

youth.

The BBA department of Mahidol College is the perfect opportunity for me to continue

studying business management in order to become a successful business manager in the

future. Which I was I want to take this chance to apply to this department. Applying to this

department will help me gain new experiences and techniques that I have not known before.

This will help me make smarter choices when dealing with business decisions. Getting accepted

into this department will improve business skills and leadership and help me become a top

business manager.
Feedback 1: Porsche

6/6

Really has an experience of writing, the content inside is informed and makes a feeling of an
experienced person who passes through many school events and academics. Also very well on
grammar and cutting paragraphs.

Feedback 2: Earl

6/6

I can see that he had a strong plan of organization throughout his essay, as we can see from
the first paragraph talking about his identity and then moving toward his experiences in this field.
There are plenty of supporting details founded in each of the experiences. Ultimately, it can be
clearly seen that there is not a single major mistake in his spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

Feedback 3: Pai

6/6

Having a strong background story to enhance the objective. Emphasis on the detail of the past
that builds up the choice. Have some strong points to prove he is worth being a business
student.