Resisting Rewards: When Treats Turn Sour

Times are tough, and some days it seems that we live in an increasingly “What’s in it for me?” society.
Worse, we see it in our kids, too—they won’t so much as empty the dishwasher without trying to
bargain for some extra TV time. What does a parent have to do to get good behavior and a child who’s
willing to help out?

The best solution? Quit rewarding your kids for behavior you should be able to expect. For instance,
a child should not need a candy bar to make it through the grocery store without a tantrum, or a
movie ticket as motivation to study for a test. And if we give our kids treats for such things, why would
we expect these kinds of accomplishments in the future without offering yet another—probably
steeper—reward?
Worse, plenty of studies have shown that kids who are rewarded actually lose interest in the
activity they’re being rewarded for, from preschoolers making art to older kids reading. Yikes!
What does all this mean? In a nutshell, you’re doing your child no favor by doling out treats for his
accomplishments or behavior. Instead, you’re setting him up for a “What’s in it for me?” attitude down
the road.

By making a few changes, however, you can help your child develop a healthier mindset when it
comes to good behavior and a “can-do” attitude.
Here are a few things that will help:
1. Develop When-Then Routines
Schedule key parts of your children’s day so that when they’ve completed the not-fun stuff (emptying
the dishwasher, completing homework, practicing the piano), then they can do the fun stuff (join the
family for dinner, play with their friends or enjoy their allotted TV time). This isn’t a reward – it’s
placing the less desirable activity before the more enjoyable parts of your daily routine.

Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, see Lessons 23 & 24 in Session 3 to learn how to
diffuse your biggest power struggles.
2. Use Encouragement to Foster Internal Motivation
Be sure to notice your child’s hard work, good manners or helpful spirit—and tell her how much you
appreciate these things. Then watch her beam with pride!
3. Use Consequences to Enforce Positive Behavior
When you’ve told your kids what kind of behavior you expect—whether that means picking up their
toys before dinner or returning home before curfew—make sure they understand what happens if
they fail to follow through.

If you regularly use rewards with your kids, the idea of stopping them could be daunting. But trust
that they’ll do just fine under the new system.

To start, let your kids know that since they’re growing up, they don’t need sticker charts and other
rewards anymore. Express confidence in their ability to cooperate without these treats. Hold a family
meeting to discuss individual responsibilities, and then develop a when-then routine to help your kids
get off on the right track. Make sure they know the consequences they’ll face for negative behavior.

With a little tweaking, your home can be one that’s free from the “What’s in it for me?” mindset. Even
better, your kids will develop into the caring, responsible adults you know they can be.
 How to Get Kids to (REALLY) Listen: 7 Steps for Success

You’ve asked your child to do something. Very calmly. Very rationally. And very deliberately.
Instead of action, you get the kid equivalent of crickets. Radio silence.
“Maybe they didn’t hear me?” you think. So, you ask again nicely.  Firmly, but nicely.
Nothing.
You feel yourself rapidly falling into the familiar cycle of “Repeat. Remind. Repeat. Remind.”
And then it happens–the fuse blows. In a moment of utter defeat, you’re left screaming the same
demands you had requested calmly just minutes ago. The energy escalates and everyone is left
frustrated and discouraged.
I get it. So do most parents. I’ve been a parenting educator for 15+ years and can say unequivocally
that children “not listening” is the most common frustration I hear from moms and dads.

Here’s the thing though, if you want to get a handle on your child’s unresponsiveness, the first thing
you need to do is figure out WHY he is NOT listening. More often than not, his lack of response is a
SYMPTOM, not the actual problem.
If you don’t address this issue at its roots, you’re sure to see a simple case of “not listening” blossom
into bigger behavior issues such as tantrums, defiance, and backtalk.
 
Why Don’t Kids Listen?
Good question! Why are they tuning you out? Why do you have to repeat something over and over until
you find yourself yelling?
(Before we go any further, be sure you’ve ruled out any potential medical condition that could be
affecting your child’s hearing or comprehension. If you are confident your child’s ears are fully-
functioning, read on.)
Children of all ages–toddler through teens–have a hard-wired need for power.  When children don’t
have opportunities to exert their power in positive ways–choosing what clothes to wear, making the
dinner menu, picking what game to play, etc.–they will exert their power in negative ways.

Because children DO have control over their body and language, the most common (and frustrating)
power struggles occur when children use their bodies and language to defy our requests.
By choosing NOT to listen, children can assert their power. This behavior is simply a way children
express their need for more control and decision-making ability in their lives.
I’m not suggesting you let them call every shot. However, by implementing a few easy-to-
learn positive parenting techniques, you can give your children power within your boundaries. By
doing this, cooperation from your children will improve and the dreaded repeat – remind – repeat –
remind cycle will come to an end.
 
Is “Not Listening” Just a Label?
Before we dive into strategies to improve communication with your children, consider this question–
What exactly are you referring to when you say your child “doesn’t listen?”
When talking to parents, “not listening” usually ends up being a blanket term that covers a myriad of
issues. Because “not listening” is so broad, it can be difficult to find a solution.
I’m not saying there aren’t times when your child is just flat-out ignoring you–that happens! However,
more often than not, it’s less about “not listening” and more about some underlying issue.
Is she tired, hungry, or not feeling well? Or, is there some deeper control issue that is causing her to
disconnect such as…
Chores?
Homework?
Bedtime?
Sibling frustrations?
Don’t lump every communication shutdown under the “not listening” umbrella. Dig in and
discover what’s really going on, then you can make an action plan to specifically address that problem.
Now, if it truly is a classic case of not listening, here are 7 steps you can take to ensure your kids
actually hear you.

Why Do Kids Whine? 3 Steps to Make it Stop

You said “no” to brownies for breakfast, a new puppy and your 15-year-old’s request to spend the
weekend at a beach house with friends.
And each time, just like clockwork, the whining begins.
From toddlers to teens, all children know how to argue with your decision in their best nails-on-a-
chalkboard voice.
You’ve tried everything from time-outs to earplugs, but the whining won’t end. Don’t worry–you’re
not alone. Parents worldwide fall victim to their child’s whining daily, but this doesn’t mean you can’t
stop it.
By learning why your kids whine, you can discover how to put an end to it for good.

Why Do Kids Whine?

Because it works! (For your kids, that is.)
When your kids whine and negotiate, they secure a big chunk of your attention.
Positive Parenting is based on Adlerian Psychology which asserts all humans are hard-wired with two
basic emotional needs – belonging and significance. One of the crucial ways parents can meet a child’s
need for belonging is to give kids sufficient amounts of attention.
Kids don’t whine to intentionally irritate us—they whine to get our attention.

Let’s face it, parents are the busiest creatures on the planet and there are about a billion things
competing for our time and attention. But when kids aren’t getting as much positive attention as they
need from us, they’ll seek it in negative ways.
While they prefer our positive attention, negative attention (corrections, reprimands, etc.) will suffice
because it still provides a deposit of attention in their buckets.
So cue up the whining and badgering and negotiating and complaining to get your attention–over and
over again–because it’s the next best thing to getting the positive attention they really want.
The truth is, children only continue behaviors that work for them.
When kids whine and parents give in, kids realize that whining gets them what they want–the
attention they crave and maybe even that candy bar in the grocery checkout line.
But giving in to demands–like one more television show or another scoop of ice cream–isn’t the only
way we reward our kids’ whining. Just responding, even if it’s to reprimand them, gives a child payoff.
Picking up the child or responding with an annoyed remark (“Enough! Stop whining!”) still gives the
child attention–and now they know they can do this again and again to get the same result.
How Can You Make the Whining Stop?
Now that you know why kids whine, you can make it stop–before your ears fall off. Here are 3 steps
you can start using today to curb the whining in your home:
1. Make it NOT work
Remember the main reason why your kids whine? It works! By removing the payoff–attention and
maybe the reward of getting what they’re whining for–you’ll cut back dramatically on this annoying
misbehavior.
First, stop giving in to the whining. Whether you’re in the grocery store or at the dinner table, say “no,”
and stick to it. If a tantrum happens, calmly let it happen in a safe place (like the car)–and your child
will soon learn that whining, and even a tantrum, won’t get him what he wants.

2. Pay No (Negative) Attention

By refusing to give attention to the whining, you’ll remove a big part of the payoff. Here’s a simple 3-
step training process to make it work:
Step 1: Set the expectation
In a calm moment, tell your kids:
“You’re growing up so much! You’re big enough now to ask for what you’d like in a normal voice without
whining AND be okay if you don’t get it. If you ask me something in a whiny voice, I will put my hands
over my ears which will be a gentle reminder to use your regular voice.  Then, you can try again with
your normal voice and I’ll be happy to talk about anything that’s on your mind.”
NOTE: You may have to do some role-playing about the difference between a normal voice and a
whiny voice.
Step 2: Reveal how you will respond
“If you continue to use your whiny voice, I will not respond.  Instead, I’ll just go about my business until
you want to talk in your normal voice and then I’ll be happy to listen.”
Step 3: Confirm understanding
“Just so we’re on the same page and we don’t have any surprises, can you repeat back to me how we’ll
talk to each other and what I will do if you decide to use your whiny voice?”
Okay, you’ve laid the groundwork. But, once you’ve made this bed, my friend, you MUST lie in it (don’t
worry, it’ll be really relaxing before you know it).
Follow through EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. your children start to whine. Stay calm and walk away – even a
negative non-verbal reaction to whining can be a payoff. When your child uses her normal voice, be
sure to respond RIGHT AWAY, calmly and pleasantly.
3. Provide Proactive POSITIVE Attention.
For these steps to work, you must also provide plenty of positive attention to meet your child’s need
for emotional connection.
Each parent should shoot for 10 minutes of quality time every day with each child. You can play their
favorite card game, shoot hoops in the driveway or whatever they love to do!  During the special one-
on-one time, Ignore the email notification. Don’t respond to the text. Hold off on the dinner prep.
When you fill your child’s attention basket positively and proactively, your kids will become
more cooperative and less likely to resort to whining as a way to gain your attention.

Life is busy for everyone, and finding extra time in the day may be daunting at first, but think of this as
an investment in your relationship with your children and in improving their behavior.
Final Thoughts
With these strategies in place, you’ll keep the whining to a minimum. But the truth is, other frustrating
behaviors might pop up in its place.
I wish I could help you tackle every frustrating behavior in this one article but sadly, there is no silver
bullet to parenting! Correcting misbehavior and raising respectful, independent, capable kids requires
an intentional process and set of tools.  
If you’re struggling with other behavior challenges like sibling fighting, backtalk, homework issues,
technology battles, mealtime or morning chaos, I’d love to walk you through our step-by-step road
map for parenting toddlers to teens.

8 Strategies for Picky Eaters: End the Mealtime Battles for Good

Has your dining room table turned into a battlefield?

Instead of reminiscing about the day, do you spend mealtime engaged in a hostage negotiation over
vegetables?
To add insult to injury, is the culinary masterpiece you slaved over treated with disdain as your child
flings it into the dog’s mouth or reminds you again how disgusting broccoli is?
Before you know it, you’ve thrown your hands up in surrender or dropped your head to the table in
utter defeat, wondering how steamed carrots could cause such a guttural reaction.
I hear you. As a busy working mom with two sons who had “discriminating tastes” when they were
younger, I know all about “picky” problems and mealtime meltdowns. By implementing a few
strategies, I was able to squelch the mealtime battles once and for all. (And good news, my sons are
now young adults and they actually eat vegetables – there is hope for you too!)
Here are 8 steps you can take to end the war with picky eaters in your house:

1. Let Go of the Labels

The truth is, when we label our kids’ eating habits (or any behavior, for that matter) we compound
problems. For example, if you have a picky eater and you’ve made that clear with phrases like, “Oh,
she doesn’t eat that,” or “He’s so picky – he’ll ONLY eat mac and cheese.” Guess what? Your child will
“not eat that” and “only eat mac and cheese.” In the same way, saying “Oh, she’s just shy” will only
reinforce shy behavior because children own the labels you bestow upon them.
By labeling your child’s mealtime habits, you give her permission to continue the resistant mealtime
behavior. This will also unintentionally rob your child of the chance to accept and enjoy new foods.
On the flip side – using positive labels around eating also creates more problems than it solves. Think
about it – when you label one child the “good eater” – his sibling can only assume he’s the “bad eater”
setting up an environment for sibling rivalry to thrive. The bottom line is this: avoid labels, positive or
negative.
 
2. Take Control of the Pantry
While getting kids to make healthy food choices can be tough, just remember – YOU PURCHASE THE
GROCERIES. Sure, they will enjoy a cupcake at a birthday party or some candy at a movie theater
every once in a while – but if a child eats the majority of their food at home (which most kids do), the
parents must not forget who’s stocking the shelves.
Are they eating too many Oreos? Toss them. Are they drinking more Cokes than you allow? Pour them
out.  Are they overindulging on all the sugary snacks and starch-rich junk food in your home? Remove
them from your pantry and refrigerator. If all you have on hand is healthy alternatives – then healthy
is what they’ll eat.
If you’ve stocked your fridge and pantry with foods you want your kids to consume, but they are still
leaving most of their dinner on their plate – that’s a clue to close the pantry (and fridge) at least an
hour or two before mealtime.
Making this shift won’t always be easy, but here is a great resource to end any nagging and
negotiating that might result in the changes to the pantry selections. Just remember, you can’t
control what the kids put in their mouths, but you can control what options they have to
choose from.
Note for Positive Parenting Solutions Members: See Lesson #22 in Session 3 for more information on
how to use the Control the Environment Tool to make morning routines run like clockwork, minimize
sibling rivalry, tame technology battles and diffuse all sorts of other power struggles.  

3. Don’t Go to War at the Dinner Table

If you don’t want mealtime to be a battle, then don’t make it one. What kids eat or how much they eat
should not be a debate every night. As the parent, your job is to plan and execute healthy meals for
your kids. When you include at least one healthy item you know your child will eat, you’ve done your
job. After that? Leave it be. Seriously. Let your child take it or leave it.
Your well-intended “just try a bite” or “how do you know you don’t like it if you won’t try it?” remarks
open the door for an ongoing power struggle around food. If you are overly-invested in your kids
making the “clean plate club,” you are giving them the power to create a problem.
Serve the meal, then let the chips (figuratively speaking!) fall where they may. The more anxious you
are about mealtime and who eats what, the more anxious (and potentially manipulative) your kids
will be about it.
When it comes to mealtime – just be Switzerland. Stay neutral. Don’t pick sides.
If you stay out of the fight, mealtime will be more enjoyable than you ever imagined.
 
4. Don’t Make Food a Reward
How many times have you heard, “If you eat your vegetables, you’ll get dessert?” Food, even the sweet
treats, are something to be enjoyed as a family, not to be used as a bargaining chip for good behavior
or finishing your meal.
When dessert is held up as the “good stuff to get to after you choke down your broccoli” – that’s what
kids will crave! Furthermore, this doesn’t teach a child healthy eating habits. After all, we want our
children to enjoy healthy foods, not simply choke them down only to receive something sweet at the
end.
In addition to offering dessert as a reward for eating their vegetables, it’s important not to offer
sweets as a reward for good behavior – being obedient in public, picking up their toys, getting good
grades, etc. As a Positive Parenting educator, I strongly advise parents against using rewards in
general, but using sweets as a reward, specifically, can send mixed messages.
Think about it this way. If children know spinach is a healthy food that’s good for your body and
cookies are less healthy, then why do we offer the “less healthy” and “less beneficial” option as a
reward for doing something good? In simplest terms, why should they get to eat something bad
for doing something good?

5. Variety is the Spice of Life

Variety is also the key to tackling the picky eaters in your home. One simple strategy to demilitarize
your dining room table is to mix up your meal plan. Challenge yourself to plan a different lunch and
dinner for every day during the week.
By doing this, children won’t automatically assume, “It’s lunchtime. That means I have a PB&J,” or “It’s
dinner time. We always have Mac & Cheese at dinner.” When you keep kids on their toes and mix up
the anticipated meals, you’ll break your kids’ habits of expecting specific dishes.
Just think about it. If your kid has seen chicken nuggets three days in a row for lunch, they are easily
going to wage war when you throw down an enchilada. By showing your children your kitchen
produces a wide variety of dishes, they will learn to enjoy whatever food has been prepared.
 
6. Offer Some Choice
If you followed my suggestion in #2 and only filled the pantry with food you’d like your children to
eat, then it’s perfectly acceptable to offer some choice over food throughout the day.
For example, at breakfast, you can say, “Would you like blueberries or an apple with your bagel?”
At lunchtime, you can say, “Would you like carrots or cucumbers with your sandwich?”
For snack, you can say, “Would you like a cheese stick or rice cakes?”
At dinner, you can say, “Would you like milk or water to drink?”
When a child is given some control over what they eat – even if only for a part of a meal- you are
helping to fill their power buckets and diffuse potential mealtime battles. By giving them some
power to choose, your kids will be more agreeable in situations when they don’t have a choice.
Note for Positive Parenting Solutions Members: See Lesson #21 in Session 3 for how you can use the
Create a Decision-Rich Environment Tool to fill your child’s power bucket in positive ways to fend off
those frustrating negative power behaviors.
 
7. Try, Try Again
Don’t write off a type of food because of one bad experience. Feel free to get science-y and let your
kids know that taste buds regenerate every ten days to two weeks. Wow! That means just because you
don’t like something today doesn’t mean it won’t end up on the favorites list later.
When you set that once-disliked food down again, don’t attach any previous emotions to it. Simply
encourage your kids to keep tasting and trying – over time they might find they like it!
 
8. Make Meals an “All In” Experience
Meals are more fun and engaging when everyone is part of the process. From table setting to food
prep to even choosing menus and picking out produce – when everyone is in, kids are less likely to
pitch a fit about the finished product.
In addition to including everyone in the prep work, mealtime should be a family affair. While it may
seem easier to “feed the kids first,” or “eat while watching tv,” I highly encourage families to turn off
the electronics and all eat together.
When families share a meal, it becomes less about the food and more about the
community. When kids see value in dinnertime as an opportunity to share about their day or hear
about the plans for an upcoming vacation, they won’t pick as many fights about the food.
Mealtime offers an opportunity for community that extends far beyond filled bellies. When we focus
on our child’s food consumption, we miss the opportunity to fill up their hearts and spirits with time
spent together. View your dining room table as a respite from the day, a place where hearts, souls and
bellies come to be filled. By doing this, you’ll be well on your way to more joy-filled meals together.
 
Final Thoughts
I want nothing more than for you to enjoy mealtime again, and I know for many parents that means
you need to curb the picky eaters in your home. I have helped thousands of parents solve this issue
and would love to help you too.
Remember, mealtime drama is often a SYMPTOM of a deeper power struggle.

When Sibling Fights Turn Physical: Ultimate Guide to Success

There are few power struggles that take an emotional toll on parents quite like sibling fighting. We’re
not talking about a simple disagreement–“Mom, he took my stuff!” or “She won’t stop repeating
me!” Those spats are a normal part of life and growing up.
We’re talking about finding your kids in the thick of a physical altercation–punching, biting, slapping,
or even worse. That’s scary stuff for everyone involved–children and parents alike. But the truth is,
this behavior is fairly common, especially in younger children who don’t have more appropriate
conflict resolutions skills.
Before you throw in the towel (or set up a boxing ring in your living room), let’s talk strategy to create
a peaceful home.

Prepare To Be Fair
Be PROACTIVE and determine what YOU might unknowingly be doing to set sibling rivalry in
motion.
I know it can be a difficult pill to swallow, but much of the misbehavior we see in our kids is triggered
by something WE do as parents. In order to stop siblings from fighting, we must create a fair and
impartial environment. Without even knowing it, parents contribute to sibling rivalry in many ways.
Here are 3 things we should stop doing to create a fair environment:
(Don’t worry, if you’re guilty of any of these, keep reading–there are practical changes you can make
today!)
 
1. Don’t Use Labels
Whether spoken or implied, labels such as “the smart one” or “the wild one,” lay the groundwork for
sibling fighting. For example, if you tag one child the “star athlete,” you can be sure his sibling feels less
than star quality. Or, if you dub another kid as the “problem child,” her sibling might feel pretty
superior as the less squeaky wheel.
Positive and negative labels set the stage for fights as kids struggle with the comparisons
you’ve put in place.
Sometimes labels are not even spoken, only implied, but this creates just as much competition. Look at
your interactions with your children. Is there one you view as your “go-to” kid? One you rely on when
you want something done quickly and without a fuss?

Now consider how that might affect siblings. Can you see how that might foster a, “what’s the point in
trying” feeling? Can you see how that might make another child feel less capable and set the stage for
competition?
Labels are funny things because we often think we are helping. We believe that we’re giving them
titles to lift them up, right? But the truth is, those crowns can be a heavy burden for the child wearing
them–and a competition catalyst for those who do not.

2. Don’t Reinforce “Victim” And “Aggressor” Roles

As parents, we often find ourselves playing the role of detective and referee. As a detective, our first
job is to identify the “victim” in the dispute as well as the “aggressor.” Or, as a referee, we blow the
whistle and call the foul.
Once we’ve seen enough, we take on the ever-powerful role of judge. Oh boy–that’s when things go
sideways. We soothe the “victim” with hugs and kind words and banish the “aggressor” to his room
with a strongly worded reprimand.
The trouble is, when we shower the “victim” with attention and “poor baby’s,” we send a clear
signal that acting as the weaker player in the argument (true or not) will garner attention.
That, of course, sets the scene in motion for repeat performances with, perhaps, even more drama.
Meanwhile, the “aggressor” gets the green light that there is power in being the bully–and that
behavior gets put on repeat as well.

3. Don’t Blow Things Out Of Proportion

One of the most important things to remember about parenting is that we’re the parents. The grown-
ups. Supposedly the calm in the storm. That’s something to strive for and the behavior we need to
model.
When we blow things out of proportion, we add to the drama, attention, and breathe more life
into trivial situations. When we do, kids register our overreaction as an attention flag and recreate
the havoc.  
For example, when we flip our lid over a favorite-toy-tussle or lose every ounce of our sanity when
the siblings stage WWIII on a road trip, we relinquish our “adult-in-the-situation” title. We all know
how frustrating these situations can be but don’t make mountains out of mole hills. There will be
enough parenting mountains to climb without overreacting to the small stuff.

How to Create a Fight-Free Environment

Now that you know what NOT to do, here are some strategies you can use to create a fight-free
environment. We know when kids’ needs for belonging and significance aren’t met,  the odds of drama
and rivalry escalates quickly.  
Minimize the potential for fights by doing these 3 things:
1. Fill Your Children’s Attention Basket Daily
Provide positive attention daily. Take time each day to get into their world, on their terms, to build
emotional connections and calm the child’s impulses to lash out. That means separate time for each
child where they get your undivided attention.
At Positive Parenting Solutions, we call this tool Mind, Body, and Soul Time and it is a life-saver in
curbing all sorts of misbehavior.
The truth is that proactive parenting is much more effective than reactive parenting.
Unfortunately, many mainstream parenting experts and bloggers teach ways to respond to children
AFTER the  misbehavior occurs–time-out, rewards, counting to three–you’ve probably tried them all.
When it comes to sibling rivalry (and most parenting issues, for that matter) it’s always best to curb
the issues BEFORE they actually start. That’s why filling your kids’ attention baskets each day is
critical. By spending 10 minutes one-on-one with each child doing something THEY choose, you’ll
eliminate their desire to seek your attention in negative ways–like fighting with a sister.
 
2.  Ensure Kids Are Well Rested
Kids are more likely to control their impulses if they’ve had enough sleep. (Just like all of us, am I
right?) So whenever possible, DON’T skip naps or rest time. Kids need that time to regroup both
mentally and physically. By reducing their impulsive nature, you’re less likely to see those fights break
out.
If bedtime is a battle for you, don’t fret. Here are 4 tips to make sleep the Good Guy in your home.

3. Encourage Positive Attributes

Instead of labeling your children, encourage their positive attributes. By encouraging their effort over
their natural talents or abilities, you empower all your children to live up to their potential.
Instead of “she’s the smart one,” you can say “she’s been putting forth her best effort in school.” Or
instead of “he’s the athletic one,” say “he’s working really hard at improving his tennis stroke.”
When siblings hear parents encouraging effort, this only empowers them to work harder. When
children understand that effort is valued over the outcome, they are more motivated to give it
their all. If you need more encouraging phrases to use, here’s a list of some of my favorites.

During the Fight: Stay Calm and Carry On

 
When your kids move from disagreement to physical aggression, break out these time-tested
techniques and strategies for keeping your cool, diffusing the situation, and creating teaching
moments that can circumvent future tussles.
 
1. Stay Out As Long As You Can
While this sounds counter-intuitive and goes against every parental instinct you have, stay OUT of
your kids fights–at least until it turns physical.
If it’s a simple case of name-calling or other mild frustrations are being expressed, avoid playing
referee–instead, simply walk to another room. By doing this, you’ll remove any attention pay-off your
children are seeking, and give them an opportunity to resolve the conflict on their own.
If you’ve ever found yourself asking a caretaker, “Really? My kids? They were so well-behaved and
actually GOT ALONG?” this is a good sign sibling rivalry is being used as an attention seeking strategy
in your home. Take away the gift of your attention and you’ll be amazed at how many fights get
stopped before a punch is thrown.
If, however, the fighting begins to escalate, and a simple squabble turns into a WWF wrestling match,
then please implement the following strategies.
 
2. Remain Calm And Help Your Children Do The Same
It’s understandable to be upset when your kids hit each other, but you’ll get better results by staying
calm. When you get upset and raise your voice, it’s scary for your children, and only fuels the power
struggle.
If you enter a sibling fight with a raised voice, you will undoubtedly receive a barrage of accusations
and complaints from the opposing parties–“But he hit me first!” “She took my toy!” “He started it!” “No,
SHE started it!”
Once the accusations start flying, it’s hard to refrain from taking on the judiciary role. Your best bet is
to enter the ring calmly and impartially by making an observation, a non-judgemental
statement–“Wow it seems like you are having a hard time getting along.”
If necessary, you can calmly separate the children into separate areas and say, “I can tell everyone is
frustrated. Let’s take a moment and calm down.”
Your energy really sets the mood here. Be calm, unflappable, and impartial and your children won’t
get the attention they are seeking for in the moment.  

3. Check To See Everyone Is Safe

Once the dust has settled, attend to your children and check for any battle wounds. If a band-aid or an
ice pack is needed, calmly procure one without placing blame on either party.
You’ll be amazed how calmly your children respond to bi-partisan medical treatment–the child who
was once “the victim” will be unimpressed with your lack of over-empathizing while the child who
was once “the aggressor” will be less empowered to own the role of “bully.”
Once you know everyone is safe, you want to bring the energy in the house completely down–
get everyone a glass of water, offer a small snack, turn on some soothing music, have them hug their
favorite stuffed animal, take deep breaths. However you can effectively deescalate the situation in a
timely fashion–do that.
Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions members, see Session 5 Lessons #37-44 to equip yourself with all
the tools you need to resolve the sibling rivalry issues in your home!

After the Fight: Don’t Take Sides

Once the fighting has subsided and no more punches are being thrown, it’s the perfect time to practice
some conflict resolution skills.
Don’t move onto these steps, however, until everyone is calm and collected–otherwise your valiant
effort might be thwarted if another fight breaks out.
Also keep in mind, if you’ve entered sibling fights combatively and energetically in the past, it will take
some practice to enter calmly and impartially. Your children will be thrown off the first few times you
do it, so prepare yourself to stay the course and consistently implement these conflict resolution tools
if you expect to see results.
 
1. Sportscast A Solution
A sportscaster simply calls the shots–he doesn’t place judgment, blame or issue a verdict. Instead, he
uses phrases like, “What I hear you saying is it made you sad when your brother took the toy from
you.” or “I see you felt annoyed when your sister kept repeating what you were saying.”
By encouraging children to use “I feel…” statements–I feel sad when…, I feel hurt when…, I feel
frustrated when…–they learn to simply state the facts and share how the circumstances made them
feel.
When sibling fights turn into a blame-game, it’s nearly impossible to make a plan for peace. On the
other hand, when children express feelings, there is no arguing–you can’t tell someone “No, you didn’t
feel that way.”
As you’re sportscasting, remain bipartisan. Let the kids express their frustrations without blame
and simply moderate the discussion. If it starts to get heated again, take a break and come back later
when everyone can calmly discuss what happened.

2. Practice The Re-do.

Once everyone has aired their feelings, help your children figure out what they could do differently
next time, then practice it. This gives your children an opportunity to learn more effective ways to
handle those big emotions in the future.
Be patient–emotions can be overpowering, and these new habits and skills take time to learn.
For younger kids, have each child role-play with a stuffed animal. Encourage your child to practice
what to do when she gets frustrated–walk away, ask for help, use her words to say how she feels, etc.
When kids use stuffed animals to play out the situation, they are able to detach their own emotions
from the scenario and see it as an outsider.
For older kids, role-playing works great and is often enjoyable when a parent or two pretends to be
the kids. When children see what their behavior looks like from the outside and practice the
appropriate behaviors, they will be better equipped to resolve a feud in the future.
Being able to use these conflict resolution strategies in the heat of the moment won’t happen
overnight but practicing them early and often is the key.

3. Model Peaceful Communication.

The more respectful the environment is at home, the less likely kids will be to use aggression toward
each other. Model kindness and respect, and train all your kids to do the same, and the levels of
aggression-inducing stress and frustration will decrease.
Acknowledge your child when you see them managing their emotions without hitting. Point it out–
say, “You really kept yourself under control when you were frustrated with your brother. I know that was
hard. You’re really growing up!”
Remember, it won’t be easy at first, but as I like to say—practice makes progress and progress
makes more peace in your home.
 7 Tips to Give Effective Feedback to Your Child

 By Rebecca Louick
THIS ARTICLE INCLUDES A FREE PRINTABLE
Being a parent means guiding and shaping our child’s behavior.
Providing children with feedback—both praise and suggestions on
how they can improve—is necessary. 
But how many times has our (well-intentioned) feedback and advice
been met with a blank stare? Or worse, a negative and defensive
reaction?

It’s only natural for children to resist feedback, especially when it’s
corrective. Studies show being critiqued can feel threatening,
triggering the fight-flight-freeze stress response.

At the same time, we know

sharing constructive, meaningful feedback is one of the most effective
ways to learn and grow. Accepting feedback is linked to a host of
benefits, from higher self-esteem and improved relationships to
getting better at what we do.

Fortunately, there are simple ways to provide feedback and keep

your child open and engaged—and able to gain its many rewards. 
Check out these 7 helpful tips for delivering constructive feedback, so
your child can grow and persevere:

1. Pause Before You Give Feedback

We would like the best for our children, and we share our opinions
to help them improve, learn and grow. But giving feedback is more
art than science, so it’s crucial to pause and reflect before speaking.
First, take a moment to reflect on the necessity and intent of your
words. 
You might consider:
 Is this feedback productive or is this my opinion/complaint
?
 What is my goal with this feedback
?
 Is it necessary? What would happen if I didn’t give it?
 Does this feedback align with my values?
 Will this help my child be the best version of themselves?
After time for self-reflection, you may decide your feedback is
essential. If not, and you find you are simply frustrated or needing to
vent, choose another time to share your opinion (if it needs to be
voiced at all).
“Not all the criticism kids face is constructive. Some of it is
born out of ulterior motives or dark intentions.…”
-Jessica Lahey, The Gift of Failure
When in doubt, you may also reflect on the “3 Gates” technique of
speech: Are my words true? Are they helpful? Are they kind? By
pausing to reflect on these questions, you can be certain your words
will be well-received.
2. Focus on the “How”
Recognize giving feedback requires mindfulness and compassion. How we deliver feedback to our
children is every bit as important as what we say. 
To accept feedback from us, our child must first feel a sense of trust. When they know we have their
best interests at heart, it’s much easier to
receive criticism as supportive versus a
personal attack.
Here are a few more things to consider:
 Balance positive feedback with negative
feedback (5 positives to every 1 negative)
 Share constructive feedback privately (not
in the presence of others)
 Give positive feedback regularly (“catch
them being good”)
You might also consider the “feedback
sandwich” technique. The “sandwich” is a
gentle critique placed between two positive
phrases: “The breakfast you made was lovely!
Perhaps you could put your plates in the sink
too. I really enjoyed eating with you, and can’t
wait to see what you make next!”  
Tip: This strategy should be used sparingly,
and only when sincere!

3. Make Sure Your Feedback Is Specific

Not all feedback is created equal. For feedback
to be constructive, it must also be specific and
user-friendly.
It’s common to give vague or general praise
when trying to protect our child’s feelings. But
phrases like “Good job” or “You’re so smart”
aren’t actually helpful at home (or in the
classroom). 
“We can easily imagine the learners asking
themselves in response to these comments, ‘What specifically should I do more or less of next
time, based on this information?’ No idea. They don't know what was ‘good’ or ‘wrong’ about
what they did.”
-Grant Wiggins, Educational Leadership
Despite our good intentions, it turns out children don’t like it either. In a study of high school students’
performance, they cited unclear and general feedback as the most frustrating aspects of teacher input. 
Before giving your child feedback, consider this rule of thumb: if your words could be applied to any
other child’s performance, they’re likely too general.
Instead, take note of what went well, and how your child’s efforts or performance have changed since
the last time you provided feedback. Provide information your child can reflect on (“Remember when
you thought adding fractions was really difficult? Today I saw you do them with no trouble.”)
4. Ask for Permission and Give Control 
Even with the best of intentions, our feedback sometimes backfires. We may be left scratching our
heads, wondering what went wrong.
 In his study of why feedback is sometimes counterproductive, psychologist Edward Deci
identified feeling controlled as a key cause of resistance.
“ [Children] may sometimes interpret feedback as an attempt to control them or tell them how
they should be doing something rather than guidance on how to improve.”
-Marianne Stenger
So how do we overcome this? How do we help our children feel empowered by our feedback?
Start by asking for permission. You might say, “I have some information that could be helpful. How open
are you to hearing it?” or "I would like to give you some advice. It is just information and it is up to you
what you would like to do with the information."
Also, consider:
 Avoiding the use of “YOU” statements (“Here’s what you should do” or “Here’s what you need to
improve”)
 Using “I” statements (“Here’s what I would do” or “Here’s what worked best for me”)
 Asking for their ideas (“What do you think you did well?” or “Have you considered trying it a
different way?”) 
Giving your child control over the feedback process will also help them problem-solve and plan for the
future. If your child is stressed by waiting until the last minute to do homework, ask how it felt to wait
and what strategies they might use to feel less overwhelmed next time.  
5. Support Growth Mindset by Focusing on the Process
We know a growth mindset is key to accepting feedback. With a growth mindset, children see
challenges help their brain grow, and mistakes and failure are steps in the learning process.
“A growth mindset is the best gift we can give our children. Thus armed, they can be brave in
the face of constructive criticism, believing it can make them better, stronger and smarter.
They won’t need us to dress it up or sand it down because, given a growth mindset, kids can
handle the truth.”
-Jessica Lahey
Growth mindset gives a child the ability to reflect on the feedback they receive, and to evaluate what—
if anything—can be learned from it. Children know they don’t always have to take criticism, but can
make thoughtful choices and keep an open mind.
To support your child’s growth mindset, focus on the process rather than the final result. Praise the
effort and hard work that went into their successes, and celebrate mistakes as an opportunity to learn.
The Big Life Journal and The Big Life Kids Podcast are two wonderful resources to kick off your
growth mindset journey.  
Salvar

If you’re concerned about the final outcome, consider the following questions instead:
 Are they growing and learning?
 Is their work improving? 
 Are they making changes based on the feedback I (or others) have given?
Even with a growth mindset, it’s natural for your child to have big feelings about feedback. Tell them
how you like to pause after receiving constructive criticism, and give yourself time to let the hurt
subside. In time, they will grow more resilient and benefit from seeing themselves in a new way.
Our popular My Strategies to Feel Calm poster, available in the Resilience Kit, has many easy and
calming activities your child can do when they are experiencing big feelings.
Salvar

6. Focus on Actions Rather Than Their Personality

There are many reasons to focus on your child’s behavior and actions (rather than their personality or
character) when delivering feedback. 
 We need to be certain they know they are lovable and enough as they are. By giving them feedback on
their actions (“What you said sounded rude to me.”) rather than their personality (“You’re always so
rude!”), we help them understand there’s nothing wrong with them. 
Fortunately, Harvard’s Center for Creative Leadership (CCL) developed a simple tool to do just that.
This strategy, known as the Situation-Behavior-Impact model, is easily adaptable for children.
Here are the 3 steps:
1. Situation: note the time and place where a behavior occurred
2. Behavior: describe the behavior (what you saw, heard, observed)
3. Impact: note how the behavior affected your thoughts, feelings or actions
For a younger child, this might look like: “At dinner tonight, when your sister accidentally took your
cup (#1), you screamed and grabbed it back (#2). I felt frustrated and sent you to your room (#3).”
The Kindness & Community Kit contains engaging activities that promote kindness and empathy
development and enhance children's capacity to care about others.

For an older child, it may look like: “This morning when we were talking about our vacation (#1), you
interrupted Jessica while she was talking and said, ‘That’s stupid,’ before she had a chance to
finish (#2). This left me feeling disappointed I wasn’t able to hear more from her (#3).”

Next, encourage your child to reflect on the situation and set a goal for future behavior. Because your
feedback was neither judgmental nor generalized, your words are more likely to be heard and
considered by your child. 
7. Model It
There are few better ways of helping your child accept feedback than modeling the behavior. If getting
feedback is tricky for you, keep the practice fun!
First, set up a task your child can evaluate you in: cooking, letter writing, or a task of their choosing. Be
playful, and allow them to judge you on specific aspects of your job. If you cook a meal, encourage
your child to critique the meal presentation, taste, and originality! 
Actively seek out feedback with questions such as “What do you think of this?” and “What could I do
better next time?” 
Afterwards, discuss how their feedback made YOU feel. Acknowledge it’s difficult to hear harsh things
about our own work. At the same time, if people say our work is good when it really isn’t, it ruins the
opportunity to learn and improve.  
“Whether or not we realize it, how we talk about an unfair performance evaluation in front of
our children teaches them how to react to a bad call that costs them the ball game. Our kids
respond to tough challenges the way they see us respond to tough challenges.”
-Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, Thanks For the Feedback

GAMES

If you’re playing a game that involves some skills that your child is still working on, go ahead and give
him a handicap or a head start, but be upfront about it. Say, “I’ve played this game many times, but
you’re just learning it. Why don’t you take an extra card to start?”
Remember that losing—or winning—gracefully is something that may need to be trained.

Be a model for good behavior (“Good game!” and “Thanks for playing with me!” are a great place to
start), and always emphasize that spending time with friends and family is its own reward.

And finally, don’t feel like you have to finish every game you start. If your child isn’t having fun, there’s
no reason to push it—pack it up and move on to something else.
How to End Sibling Rivalry in 6 Simple Steps
Why can’t they just get along?!?
Let’s face it—no matter how nicely your kids are playing one minute, the next minute might bring
tears, name-calling and even fights.

If you have more than one child, it’s a guarantee—sibling rivalry WILL HAPPEN. But even
though sibling fighting is a common occurrence in families, it can be difficult to manage if parents
don’t have the right tools.
I’ve been a parenting educator for 15+ years and have helped thousands of families resolve their
sibling rivalry issues once and for all.
There’s nothing more rewarding than seeing your kids playing nicely together, and with the right
tools, you can end those sibling feuds for good. (Well mostly for good, anyway!) After all, if the siblings
are happy, mama is happy!
Why Does Sibling Rivalry Occur?
Try to see it from your kids’ perspective…your oldest child was once the sole focus of your attention.
His requests were answered with haste and he didn’t have to share his time or toys with anyone.

Then, his sister came along—a stranger to him, for all intents and purposes—and now mommy is
slower to pour his milk because she’s feeding baby, and he has to wait for daddy to finish changing
baby’s diaper before they can play with Legos together.

As the kiddos get older, they vie for the same toys and as younger sister becomes more independent,
she gets tired of being bossed around by big brother.

To put it another way, how would you feel if your spouse brought home someone else and
expected the two of you to get along?
Because young children aren’t able to express these frustrations verbally, they do so by misbehaving
—refusing to share, hitting, pushing, yelling, etc.
How Can I Stop Sibling Rivalry from Happening?
While you can’t stop sibling rivalry entirely, you can reduce its frequency. This means less yelling from
the next room and more peace in your home!

Here are 6 steps you can take today to reduce overall competition between your kids, prevent future
sibling rivalry episodes and put an end to the brawls once they start:
1. Lose the Labels
We live in a society that thrives on categorizing people—we want to know who’s smart, who’s
popular, who’s successful, who’s athletic, who’s musical, who’s talented, etc. Labels help us categorize
things.

But when it comes to our kids, labels (intentional or unintentional) dramatically increase the
competition between siblings.

Think about it, when we talk about our “athletic one,” “the good eater,” “smartie,” or even our “wild
child,” we inadvertently draw comparisons between our kids.
When we refer to one child as the “athletic one” the other child automatically thinks “I’m not the
athletic one” (so why even try) or when one child is a “good eater” the other assumes she must not be.

If dad refers to you as the “smart one,” I can only assume I’m (a lot) “less than smart.”

If I wear the “wild child” crown, you can feel very superior as the “well behaved” or the “easy going”
kid.

By labeling our children, we unintentionally shelve kids into one role or another—whether they like it
or not–and create comparisons between siblings.

The good news is, when we ditch the labels, we give our “not-so-athletic” child a chance to shine even
if she’s not a star. We give the straight-B student the opportunity to be proud of her hard work. And
we give the “wild child” a chance to do the right thing.

The key is to cheer on positive attributes, such as teamwork, persistence, and kindness. Siblings can
then root for each other instead of competing for their parents’ approval.

2. Arrange for Attention

One of the key reasons kids fight is to gain their parents’ attention—in their eyes, even negative
attention is better than nothing.

To satisfy your kids’ need for attention, plan on giving each child at least 10-15 minutes of kid-
centered, intentional attention every day. Here at Positive Parenting Solutions, we call this Mind, Body
and Soul Time because it has incredible effects on the health of your child’s mind, body, and soul.
By kid-centered, I mean your child is in control of the 10 minutes—they call the shots.

A tea party?
Lego building?
Dressing up daddy?
Sidewalk drawing with chalk?
Listening to their favorite music with your teen?
Whatever the kid chooses, you oblige. (As long as it’s an activity that can reasonably be accomplished
in 10-20 minutes.)

By intentional, I mean no distractions—put down your phone, don’t answer that email, turn off the
show you’re watching.
Your child is the center of your universe for these 10 minutes and it’s critical you are fully
present for your time with her.
Lastly, be sure to label Mind, Body and Soul Time at the outset (you can call it whatever you want) and
when it’s finished, say, “I sure enjoyed our special time today! I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow!”
Your child will benefit from knowing you’re committed to your time, plus you’ll get credit in his mind
for time well spent.

By giving each child this special time, you will increase feelings of emotional connection and
proactively fill her attention bucket with POSITIVE attention so she doesn’t have to resort to fighting
with her sister to get your (negative) attention.
Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, revisit Session 1 to learn more about Mind, Body
and Soul Time and check out the advanced module “The Busy Parents Guide to Mind, Body & Soul Time”
for extra help.
3. Prepare for Peace
When sibling fights occur, many parents use time-out as a way to diffuse the situation. While sending
kids to separate corners might give them an opportunity to calm down, time spent in the corner will
not teach the child how to resolve conflict.
To teach kids conflict resolution skills, I recommend parents use role-playing once the dust has settled
and everyone has calmed down. Here are just a few scenarios you can role play to help build those
conflict resolution skills:

1. Taking turns: Give children the words to use (“May I please play with…”) and also give
them language for responding (“I’m not quite finished playing with it, but I’ll let you know
when I’m finished.”)
Related: It’s Ok NOT to Share
2. Using “I feel” statements: It’s important children know it’s OK to have big feelings, but
there are appropriate ways to express them. Teach them the language to use when they
are frustrated (“I feel mad when Sam doesn’t let me play with the car” or “I feel hurt when
Alison hits me…”)
3. Controlling their temper: Kids aren’t always ready to discuss their feelings immediately
after a fight, so teach them coping skills to diffuse the situation until they are ready to talk
—walk away, count to 10, take deep breaths, etc.
By giving your children the tools and strategies to resolve conflict on their own, you’ll notice a drastic
decrease of sibling arguments in your home.

4. Stay out of Squabbles

This one might surprise you, but do you know the best thing you can do when a disagreement starts to
brew? Ignore it. That’s right, go find something else to do in another room. Don’t give the squabble
any attention.
By ignoring the tussle, you don’t reward negative behavior with your attention and most
importantly, you give them a chance to work it out on their own.
If the fight escalates into a physical throwdown or you REALLY feel like intervening is necessary, you
can use the next two steps to guide your interactions when you do get involved.
5. Calm the Conflict
If your kids clearly can’t reach an agreement, or if the fight escalates, you might have to step in.
Whatever you do, don’t take sides. You might think you heard or saw what started the argument, but
don’t place any judgment on either party.
Instead, once everyone is calm, listen to each child’s version of what happened and encourage them to
use “I feel” statements as they tell their story.

Then, without placing blame or taking sides, ask them to come up with some solutions
together. If no one is able to come up with a workable resolution, suggest a few yourself, and help
them reach an agreement.
6. Put them all in the same boat.
If, after hearing both sides and attempting to find a solution, your kids still can’t agree, it’s time to put
them “all in the same boat.” That means everyone involved in the argument experiences the same
outcome or consequence.

An “All in the Same Boat” statement would sound like this: “Either you can take turns with the game,
or I will put it away for the rest of the day.” Then follow through.

There will likely be some complaining and negotiating at first, but your kids will quickly realize it’s in
THEIR best interest to agree on a solution together before you “put them in the same boat.”

Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, review Lessons #37-43 in Session 5 for a

comprehensive step-by-step plan to resolve sibling rivalry and teach conflict resolution skills.
Final Thoughts
Be patient with your kids as they’re learning these new strategies.

Remember that conflict resolution is a very advanced skill set. (You probably know adults who still
struggle in this area!) But rest assured, with these strategies in place, you’ll be able to keep sibling
rivalry and fighting to a minimum.

And, don’t be surprised if other issues pop-up after sibling rivalry is under control. The truth is…kids
are constantly looking for ways to get your attention and assert their power, so you might notice
mealtime drama, tantrums, backtalk and homework battles flare up even while the siblings are living
in (mostly) harmony.

5 Steps To Put the Brakes on Backtalk

“I don’t want to!”

“You can’t make me!”
“You’re the meanest mommy!”
“I’m not doing that!”
Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Backtalk is the number one parenting complaint I hear from
the thousands of parents I’ve worked with. But does knowing how common backtalk is make it any
less frustrating? Of course not!
Backtalk might be annoying and, at times, infuriating, but it’s a common side-effect of growing up and
gaining independence.
At all ages, kids need a strong sense of personal power on an emotional level. When they can’t get it
because we’re ordering them around or doing everything for them, they lash out with words.
It’s a typical “fight or flight” response–since they can’t exactly move into their own apartment (flight),
they’ll fight back by testing limits and trying to get a reaction.
There are many reasons WHY kids talk back, so it’s important to get to the root of the issue to
determine which strategy will work best.  
The best way to stop backtalk in its tracks is to give our kids the positive personal power they need.
By fostering independence within our limits, we can help them grow up, as well as limit the backtalk,
arguing, and whining that no one enjoys.
Here are 5 steps to put the brakes on backtalk:
1. Give Kids Power
Find opportunities for your kids to assume some control of their own world–picking their own outfit
(for a toddler) or planning an activity for a family vacation (for a teenager).
The truth is, when kids’ need for power isn’t met, they will exert their power in all sorts of ways–
waging war at the dinner table, prolonging bedtime, refusing to cooperate during the morning routine,
or talking back.
In each of these situations, kids have legitimate power–we can’t FORCE them to eat their broccoli. We
can’t FORCE them to lie in their bed. We can’t FORCE them to pick up the pace in the morning. And, as
much as we wish otherwise, we have no control over what comes out of their mouths.
As a Positive Parenting educator, I teach parents that proactive parenting is the most effective way to
see behavior changes in your kids. In this case, the more positive power you give them PROACTIVELY,
the less you’ll have to REACT when they exert their power in negative ways.

2. Don’t Play a Role

Communication is a two-way street and parents have to “own” the role they play in the power
struggle.
Be aware of your communication style and minimize the amount of ordering, correcting and directing
you do with your kids (and spouse)!
The truth is, parents unknowingly contribute to the power struggles that produce backtalk by
bossing kids around too frequently.
Take a moment and switch places with your kids–would you be able to hold your tongue if you were
told what to do all day? I
n the working world, it’s equivalent to working for a bossy micro-manager–it’s exhausting, frustrating,
and most of all DISCOURAGING.
If you spend the majority of your time ordering, correcting and directing your children, they will sure
to be discouraged too. Instead, spend intentional time playing, listening, and engaging with them to
proactively ward off the backtalk.
By engaging more and ordering less, you’ll be amazed at how much more cooperative your children
will be and how the backtalk will slowly diminish.
Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions members, take the Parent Personality Assessment in Session 1 to
discover how your personality priority affects your parenting style.
3. Pay Attention
Just like the need for power mentioned above, your kids have an attention basket that needs to get
filled every day.
All humans have a basic need for belonging and significance and for children, these needs are most
effectively met when you give your child undivided attention. Before you say, “But wait! I give them
PLENTY of attention!” let’s break this down a little further.
As a starting point, I teach parents to spend 10 minutes every day with each child. Here at Positive
Parenting Solutions, we call this “Mind, Body, and Soul Time” because it has incredible effects on the
mind, body, and soul of your children.
In order for the 10 minutes to satisfy the child’s basic need for attention and meet the criteria
for Mind, Body, and Soul Time, it needs to fit the following 3 categories:
1. It’s Child-centric: This means the child calls the shots. By giving your child full reign over how
you’ll spend this time, you’re filling both the power AND attention buckets–sounds like a win-win,
huh?
Be prepared to play dress-up, re-enact a favorite movie, kick a soccer ball around, have a dance party
to their favorite tunes, read a treasured book, build a Lego castle–whatever your child suggests for
this 10 minutes, you enthusiastically oblige.

2. It’s Uninterrupted: Put away the phone, the remote, the calendar, the book–all of those things can
wait. It’s vitally important your children have the undivided attention during this time.
If you have more than one child, find something the other kiddos can be doing during this time so you
can engage with each child separately.

3. It’s Identified and Claimed: Give your 10 minutes together a name: “Mommy and Daniel’s Special
Time” or “Our Togetherness Time” or any name you two come up with. By naming this time together,
your child is able to categorize this time together as meaningful and significant.
Naming this time also gives YOU credit in your child’s emotional bank. While it may seem silly to “take
credit” for spending time with your child, it is a gentle reminder to your child that you’re consistently
investing in their life. When you are finished, simply say, “Wow, I really enjoyed our time together. I
can’t wait to do it again tomorrow!”
By investing the time up front, you’ll see a decrease in the backtalk you’re experiencing.
Spending this quality time with each of your children will greatly reduce the power struggles you’re
facing and your children will begin to realize everyone is on the same team!
Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions members, refer to Session 1 in the online course and the
advanced module–“A Busy Parent’s Guide to Mind, Body, and Soul Time”–to learn everything there is to
know about this life-changing tool.
4. Refer to the rules
Kids thrive under structure and routine. While it may seem counter-intuitive, power struggles occur
more often when kids DON’T know what to expect. More often than not, backtalk is simply
pushback to an expectation that hasn’t been clearly outlined or enforced.
While flexibility in parenting is necessary at times, consistency and stability will set you up for long-
term success. Give your children very clear expectations for your house and set up explicit
consequences for any child who chooses to test them.
You don’t have to be overly harsh or strict, you simply need to stick with the limits you put in place.

5. Keep your cool

While your children are putting on a drama performance worthy of a Tony award, your job is to be an
unimpressed attendee.
When you get upset and respond with a “you WILL not talk to me that way, young man!” they SCORE a
power payoff. Your kids may be talking back simply to get a rise out of you–so don’t give them the
satisfaction!
Simply say, “I feel hurt by the way you’re talking to me. When I hear that tone of voice, I’m going to
walk away. We can talk again when you can speak respectfully to me.” Then walk away.
Next time it happens, there’s no need for even a warning–simply leave the room. You’re sending the
message that you refuse to participate in a power struggle. And when there’s no one to fight with,
there’s no fight!
Final Thoughts
Backtalk is extremely frustrating, but with the right tools, you can diffuse it in no time!
Don’t be surprised, however, if once you get backtalk under control you start seeing other power
struggles flare up. That’s why I’ve created an entire parenting course–to help parents with ALL of their
power struggles, not just one.

How to Stop Siblings Fighting Without Getting Involved

Inside: Siblings fighting can cause a lot of stress and anxiety for everyone
in the family. This is definitely true for this scary time as we are not
getting any breaks from each other. The best way to manage sibling
conflict is by providing them the tools to develop skills they may not yet
have.
Last spring, I was sitting in the shallow water of my gym’s beach entry
pool when I overheard siblings fighting. I didn’t really pay much
attention until I heard the mom’s response to them screaming her name
wanting her to intervene.
Instead of telling them how to solve the problem, she simply asked, “Well,
did you, “Walk, talk or rock?”
Did they what?!
You know, my ears perked up.
The little girl told her her mom, no, then went off with her brother and
they talked a little and came up with a solution on their own. The fight
ended in about two minutes flat before they were off playing with each
other again.
The Reasons Siblings Fight
I break down the reasons siblings fight in this post . Basically, a lot is at
play when it comes to brothers and sisters not being able to get along.
Here are some of the main reasons:

1. Development and maturity

2. Sensory challenges
3. Self-regulation skills
4. Personality conflicts
 5. What is being modeled by peers,
adults in their lives or other
influences such as TV
6. Culture
7. Competition

It is good to look at the why behind any

behavior so you know what to target in
order for a change to happen. For my older
boys, self-regulation and major sensory
challenges and maturity all play a role in
their sibling conflicts. One is incredibly
impulsive and the other is highly
sensitive so fighting can’t always be avoided.
The Key to Stop Siblings Fighting
My natural instinct when approaching a sibling quarrel is to correct,
maybe increase the volume of my voice, use a strict tone and try to get
them to stop immediately.
Or simply yell, “STOP FIGHTING!” or “BE NICE!”
However, this isn’t very effective.  Womp Womp.
The reason is that if we take into account all the reasons why they might
be fighting, being nice may not do the trick or they may not be able to
stop due to how their brains are wired.
Instead, the key to eliminating siblings fighting is to teach your kids
how to manage their own conflict.
On their own.
Without your involvement.
So really, this isn’t about keeping your kids from fighting but rather
teach them how to resolve the conflicts they’re bound to have.
I recently read this quote from Corinna Tucker, a professor at the
University of New Hampshire, “The sibling relationship is where you
learn how to fight.”
Oooh, that’s good!
As kids grow into teens then into adults, they will face conflict with
friends, family, teachers, coaches, co-workers or bosses. Where they get
the best practice to resolve conflicts is with their own brothers and
sisters under your roof!
Become Your Children’s COACH
Kids need to be taught how to resolve their own fighting. The best way to
do this is to mediate the situation.
This does not mean you tell your kids what to say such as, “Tell him
sorry,” or “Give back her toy,” but instead, guide the siblings into coming
up with their own solution to the problem.
Because remember, this is their problem, not yours!
What does this look like in the real world?
I’ve broken down what parenting experts recommend in teaching kids
very important life skills such as conflict management,  empathy, and
perspective-taking.
Fighting Rules
You want to make sure you set ground rules ahead of time. Include your
kids in deciding what these rules should be at your  next family meeting.
There is a good chance they won’t follow all of
these rules all of the time, but they’re good to
have so your kids know what to strive for and
what is important to your family.
Calm Down Time
If the situation is already heated, there is zero
reason to focus on getting your kids to work out a
problem.
They can’t.
In order to think rationally, kids need to first be
connected to the thinker part of the brain, the
prefrontal cortex. This shuts down and is
inaccessible when the brain perceives a threat. It goes into fight or flight
and angry, frustrated or super sad states.
In our house, the first step is to separate.
For some reason though, this is very difficult for our boys to do. Although
they’ll be mad at each other, they can not physically get away. As a
parent, it’s so frustrating. What we have been focusing on is getting them
to be self-motivated to leave each other alone to cool off.
 Talk It Out
If your kids are younger, they may need
your help in mediating who talks first.
Allow each child to tell his or her side of
the story and make sure the sibling
actually listens.
As your kids get older, they need to learn
how to do this on their own while following
the fighting rules. It’s very hard to listen
when someone is shouting or touching you.
Talking it out is much easier for siblings to
do if they are given tools on how to
communicate.
We have adopted “A Bug and a Wish” and “I feel when statements.” This
makes it easy for each of our boys to express his or her feelings using
words, not hands. In turn, it helps the child receiving the message
understand how his or her actions are affecting others.

Perspective Taking
This is a big part in resolving conflicts. Kids are self-centered thanks
to under-development of the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex.  They
don’t have the developmental skills to understand or interpret how their
actions affect another; especially a sibling. Therefore, they need to be
taught.
A great way to do this is to ask questions! “How did your actions make
your little sister feel?” or “Do you notice how he is feeling right now
after you pinched his arm?”
Allow your child to do the thinking with your guidance!
>>Bonus Tip!

I read a research study about how siblings fighting can lead to poor
mental health to my 10-year-old and immediately, I could see that he had
an “uh oh” feeling in his gut. I wasn’t using this information to make him
feel shame but rather, a little guilt. It helped him understand that his
actions can make a lasting impact on others – for better or for worse.
Since sharing that information, his perspective has shifted a little causing
him to put a lot more effort into resolving conflicts with his brother in a
non-physical way. It has really brought them closer together…for the time
being.
Solution Time
Typically, by the time our kids talk it out, they’re already onto the next
thing. However, some conflicts need solutions. The reason is for both
parties to move on so that conflict doesn’t happen again in the near
future.
This can be done in any fashion that works best for your family. Every
child is unique and handles stress differently. Siblings can write ideas
that would work for both kids, draw pictures, or simply both come up
with an idea and decide on which one would work best.

Act of Kindness
One last thing we do if the “offense” was bad is to encourage the offender
to do an act of kindness for the brother or sister. Another phrase we
often use is, “What can you do to make things right.” We also ask, “How
do you think he or she is feeling?”  This is in replace of forcing a child
to say, “sorry.”
A great way to do this is to have your kids fill out  these kindness
cards by For Purpose Kids! Or another suggestion could be to do chores
for each other or play a preferred game.

Your Role in Ending Siblings Fighting

All of the above steps help kids resolve their own conflicts. When
teaching these skills to your kids, its important that you:

1. Let your kids work out the problems on their own

2. Only intervene if it’s getting physical or harmful
3. Do not take sides
4. Model good conflict management yourself
5. Have patience
Walk, Talk or Rock
Now back to walk, talk or rock. After understanding what needs to happen
to help kids solve their own conflicts and fight less, this strategy is
brilliant!
This simple parenting tool incorporates basic conflict management skills
for kids in a playful way that gives your kids control.
When introducing the concept go through what each of the words mean:
Walk – Either party can choose to walk AWAY. As I mentioned, our boys
have a very tough time with this one. But for some reason, if it’s an
option in this context, they are more likely to do it.
Talk – Together, your kids can choose to use their words (not hands) to
solve the problem. Give them different ways to talk as mentioned above.
Rock – If the argument is over a toy that one person wants or an activity
he or she wants to do, the siblings can do, “rock, paper,  scissors” to see
who gets it. This could cause more issues but usually, it’s a quick
solution.
As I was writing this, I overheard my seven-year-old doing rock,
paper, scissors with my toddler. My little guy didn’t really get it and just
got angrier. So maybe, this strategy is better for kids who are a tad older!
Ending Siblings Fighting
Next time your kids are ready to battle it out, instead of run to the rescue
and solve their problem or tell them what to do, let them work it out. And
if they don’t have the tools yet, start loading up that toolbox!

How to Use Positive Parenting During a Pandemic (And Why You Should)

Let me guess: Nothing is putting a magnifying glass on your family’s imperfections like the current
quarantine.
And the magnifying glass gets hotter by the minute.
Your toddler is banging his head and slobbering against the window, your tween has been
communicating only in grunts, and your 8-year-old’s remote-learning viola lesson reminds you of a
dying cat.
Yes, we’re all feeling it. Things got real…fast. And as a byproduct, family time just got a lot more
intense.
We read words like “unprecedented” and “new normal” ad nauseam, but they fail to make it easier. 
We hear powerful stories around the world showing unity–whether it’s an entire city applauding
health care workers or entire countries staying home to “flatten the curve”–but, at home, we’re still
worried about an unknown future. 
And, at this point, despite knowing full well we should embrace this time with our kids, many of us are
craving a little break (or two…or three…).
I’m here to tell you, though, you’re not alone. While we heavily engage in our online communities–
whether through Instagram, FaceTime calls, or Zoom chats–there are also amazing parenting
resources to help us navigate this pandemic with our families. (You can check out our free online
Positive Parenting class for an excellent introduction to our 7-Step Parenting Success System.)
If you haven’t yet tried Positive Parenting (or aren’t even sure what it is), a time of heightened chaos
and uncertainty is the perfect time to start. You’re already reinventing schoolwork, working from
home, and creating a new temporary lifestyle. You don’t exactly have a lot of time, yet you have more
time at home than ever to implement something new.
Parenting, even in the best of circumstances, is hard. So, if you’re questioning your sanity right about
now, I know a few Positive Parenting strategies will help you and your family survive–and maximize–
your time together.
Here’s why…
Positive Parenting Decreases Parental Stress
Whether we’re worried about paying the next bill, watching an entire life’s savings tank in the stock
market, or more or less inventing our kid’s at-home school curriculum, things are likely more stressful
right now. They may even feel entirely out of control. We might want to scream, cry, laugh hysterically
with frustration, or just zone out in forced apathy. 
Positive Parenting counters stress and chaos by focusing on the things we CAN control–
staying calm and…you guessed it…being positive. 
Try to Keep Calm and Carry On
Staying calm means when our kids don’t listen, we walk away before we start yelling. It means we
take a breath and count to ten before responding. It means we choose not to fight fire with fire.

Keeping calm cools our heads while allowing us to parent intentionally and strategically. 
If you choose not to let your son’s refusal to do algebra infuriate you, you’ll receive less
stressful backtalk. If you ask your daughter to take out the trash and she says “no,” you’ll dodge a
heated power struggle by responding calmly with an alternative tactic rather than a fiery ultimatum.
Instead of driving ourselves nuts reminding and nagging our kids to get their work done, we can use
the controlled When-Then tool.
“When you take out the trash, then you can watch your TV show.”
It seems overly simple, but it’s profoundly effective. Letting our kids determine when they’d like to
complete a task makes the request less of a demand. It doesn’t let kids off the hook, but it does let
them have a little more control. If they don’t finish the task, the TV is off-limits. When they do–in their
time–they can earn back that privilege. (Please note this is not a reward. It’s an already established,
routinely enjoyed privilege.)
This simple strategy allows parents to remain calm but maintain structure in a child’s daily tasks
without heated debate and added stress.
Maintain a Glass Half Full
There really are ways to make this quarantine work in our favor, and focusing on them right now will
be our ticket to happiness. 
Staying positive doesn’t mean turning into a facsimile of the crazy smiler in The Emoji Movie or
ignoring pressing concerns. In fact, open communication about difficult emotions during this time will
actually help our kids learn from the current world scenario and help them manage and overcome it. 
But staying positive does require a glass half full sort of optimism. 
Yes, we are cooped up with our kids more than usual. Yes, our financial situation may cause us
anxiety. Yes, our days are feeling more and more like we’re living in The Twilight Zone. But even as we
ride this Covid-powered roller coaster, we need to think about what great things can come from it.
And by staying positive, our kids will pick up on that energy. 
I know it’s easier said than done, but we can think of quarantine as an amazing chance for family
bonding, a time to reach out to long-lost friends, and a time to get creative and do things we’ve long
put off.
A family paint night that you’ve imagined for months can finally happen when you purchase those
paint supplies online, or you can finally learn to play chess with your ten-year-old through an online
tutorial. 
This isn’t to suggest that family activities won’t have their own drawbacks–like tantrums of epic
proportions when toddlers lose a game of Go Fish, or teenagers choosing not to participate in family
movie night. 
It’s just important to remember that this quarantine has silver linings that will benefit us all.
Focus on an Increase in Cooperation
No matter the various levels of our current quarantine “lock-downs,” we want our family life to be a
well-oiled–and happy–machine. When things run smoothly, kids will more willingly complete their
schoolwork, the house can be (somewhat) clean, and we can work fluidly from home–all without
wanting to strangle each other by the end of the day.
This means we need cooperation.
Power struggles affect every family on Earth. They’re frustrating, unhelpful, and sometimes
inevitable. 
But with Positive Parenting, many power struggles are preventable. And with fewer battles at home,
anxiety lessens, moods lift, and things get done.
One tool to encourage cooperation and avoid power struggles is to give kids a little more control.
Throwing out demands left and right can send kids–and well, anyone–into defensive mode. So instead
of being authoritarians, giving our kids opportunities to make a few decisions for themselves will give
them less reason to complain, argue, and misbehave.
An older toddler will put up less of a fight at bedtime if you let him choose which of three books he’d
like to read. An 8-year-old will feel empowered when you let him choose his at-home curriculum for
the week (considering how lenient his remote schoolwork is). And a teenager will feel less angst if you
let her choose which app she’d like to use to communicate with her friends (as long
as cyberbullying and internet security are considered). 
All of these, in turn, will naturally make parenting a little less crazy in a whirlwind kind of time.
Positive Parenting Decreases Children’s Stress
Our kids are just as impacted as we are by the current changes this pandemic has created–particularly
our teens and tweens. Whether it’s big events like spring recitals, lacrosse tournaments, prom, or even
graduation, kids are missing out on memorable life experiences with their friends. They’re also
learning how to navigate School Mom and Dad.
We may be frustrated with how our kids are handling their big emotions right now. But staying calm
and positive will help them as much as it helps us. 
Embrace Encouragement
One way to help our kids manage their current situation is to use Encouragement. 
Encouragement is a Positive Parenting tool that puts ourselves in our kids’ shoes and focuses on the
things they’re doing right. Sure, it’s justifiable to be tired of the bad attitudes and the lack of
cooperation, but we can also take a moment to “read the room.” 
Our kids are likely disappointed they can’t attend Field Day or present their year-long science
experiments. They might be faced with celebrating special occasions and birthdays without friends
and struggling with learning at home.
The truth is, none of this is what any of us planned for or expected.
We can say, “Hey, Honey, I know how disappointed you are that so many things you were looking
forward to have been cancelled. This Coronavirus has taken us all by surprise. Despite all of these
changes, you’ve been working hard learning from home and assisting me plan and cook our dinners” (or
whatever else may apply). “I’ve really appreciated your helpfulness.”
It doesn’t matter if children’s contributions are small or some of their usual good behavior has been
lacking. Encouragement can pinpoint any positive effort and support it. Maybe your son focused 5
minutes longer on his English homework today than yesterday, or your young daughter finally put her
games away. 
We can also use Encouragement by asking our kids to think of solutions to their recent
disappointments. Although the solutions may not be as amazing as they’d hoped, they can still be
special.
Maybe those birthdays they’re missing with their friends can be celebrated via surprise drive-bys with
shouts, waves, and confetti. Maybe graduation can be a small family affair with a backyard Pomp and
Circumstance ceremony and hand-made diploma (followed by take-out from a favorite restaurant).
We can help our kids with serious cases of FOMO (or with the FOMO we have FOR them!) by
celebrating the smaller things in life. It’s another one of the greatest gifts this quarantine can give us,
and it may even help oft-entitled kids feel more grateful than ever.
By using Encouragement, we’re not indulging pity parties or ignoring bad behavior. We are simply
showing compassion. And by modeling compassion, we can expect our kids to feel sympathy for
others who may be suffering greatly during this time, like healthcare workers and COVID-19 patients.
Give Them the Attention They Crave
One foundational belief of Positive Parenting is that kids have an innate need to feel significant. This
means they need to be reminded of their self-worth, capabilities, and the value they bring to the
family. These reassurances are even more imperative during a time of change and uncertainty–just
like we’re experiencing now.
Has your 5-year-old been talking your ear off or yelling outlandishly every time you call to check on a
relative? Is your 11-year-old misbehaving more than usual? Or, is your teenager doing things just to
elicit a reaction?
Chances are, your children are stressed. They may feel less valued because we’re more distant or
distracted than usual.
We’re already spending at least 50% more time with our kids each day than (possibly) ever before, so
how could they need more attention? And how can we possibly give it? 
The thing is, in order to feel truly valued, kids need daily one-on-one time with us where we engage in
something they want to do. Although this time with each parent needs to be undistracted, it doesn’t
have to take long. For busy families, even 10-15 minute chunks of time can be sufficient. 
For young kids, one-on-one time might include playing house or building a couch fort. For older kids,
it might be talking in-depth about the latest video game. Remember–the activity is their choice.
We can’t count at-home schooling or family game night as one-on-one time because it doesn’t focus on
kids and their interests individually. But when we take the time to do it, it makes a huge difference in
our children’s stress levels and their behaviors. (We might even be able to have a phone conversation
in peace.)
We Can Focus on Justifiable–and Fair–Consequences
This more-than-usual family time is all well and good, but kids are still going to be kids, and parents
are still going to “lose it” once in a while.
We can’t expect things to be perfect or to find a new balance with work/school/housework overnight.
But what we can do is make sure that when things feel out of hand with a child’s misbehavior, we
apply fair and effective consequences. 
Kids that don’t know what to expect are more likely to feel anxious. They are also more likely to find
reprimands and punishments unjust.
If a child has ignored your requests to clean up the backyard, for example, an abrupt spanking will just
turn resentment towards you. It will also fail to prevent further misbehavior. 
Positive Parenting focuses instead on Logical Consequences. 
Logical Consequences are unique–and effective–because they follow a set of guidelines that logically
link the cause and effect of misbehaviors. With this link, kids perceive the consequences as fair and
internalize them rationally and productively. 
Sounds great, right?
I know–your 6-year-old isn’t going to suddenly appreciate you taking her toy away when she hits her
brother with it; nor will your teenager graciously relinquish his phone privileges after breaking the
rules and texting late at night. But, your kids will understand that the “punishment” (although we
prefer to use the word consequence) fits the crime. They’ll more consciously grasp that their poor
choices warranted your response. 
Logical Consequences are also fair because they’re revealed in advance. They don’t come as a surprise
or add undue stress–something all kids could benefit from avoiding right now. This obviously won’t
work in a situation that takes parents by surprise, like a child suddenly breaking quarantine rules by
playing with a neighbor outside. But it can be applied next time, by warning the child that if she does
that again, she won’t be able to go outside tomorrow (as hard as that might be for you). 
There is so much to learn about implementing consequences, which is why I’ve created an entirely
free class where I’ll teach you the 5Rs for fair and effective consequences. I promise it’ll be the best
hour you spend this week!

Positive Parenting Solutions is the Missing Village You Really Need Right Now 
We can’t see friends and extended family at a physical arm’s reach right now, but we need support
more than ever. We’re lacking so many of our usual outlets, from coffee dates with fellow parents to
toddler playdates with neighbors.
What we can do is rely on tried and true Parenting Success System tools that will help us navigate
uncharted waters. 
By taking charge of your family’s quarantine through Positive Parenting, you and your kids will feel a
lot less stressed and a lot more grateful. And while the quarantine is guaranteed to expire, these
parenting tools never will! You’ll have acquired amazing strategies you can carry with you for the rest
of your parenting journey.