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Life of Brian Script - The Grumpy People's Front of Judea
Life of Brian Script - The Grumpy People's Front of Judea
Life of Brian Script - The Grumpy People's Front of Judea
Scene 8:
The Grumpy People's Front of Judea
The sketch:
trumpets
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen. The next contest is between... Frank Goliath, the
Macedonian baby-crusher, and Boris Mineburg.
BRIAN: Larks' tongues. Wrens' livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguars' earlobes. Wolf nipple chips.
Get 'em while they're hot. They're lovely. Dromedary pretzels, only half a denar. Tuscany
fried bats.
JUDITH: I do feel, Reg, that any Anti-Imperialist group like ours must reflect such a
divergence of interests within its power-base.
FRANCIS: Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the Movement
never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man--
STAN: Or woman.
STAN: Or herself.
FRANCIS: Or herself.
REG: Agreed.
STAN: Or sister.
STAN: Or woman.
REG: Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off.
STAN: Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
REG: What?
STAN: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.
REG: What?!
REG: I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to
gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!
LORETTA: crying
JUDITH: Here! I-- I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not
having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the right
to have babies.
FRANCIS: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies,
brother. Sister. Sorry.
REG: What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?!
trumpets
clank
Ooh.
BRIAN: I haven't got any nuts. Sorry. I've got wrens' livers, badgers' spleens--
BRIAN: Well, don't blame me. I didn't ask to sell this stuff.
REG: All right. Bag of otters' noses, then.
REG: Two.
BRIAN: What?
REG: Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea! Judean People's Front. Cawk.
FRANCIS: Wankers.
BRIAN: I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody.
REG: Stumm.
REG: Listen. If you wanted to join the P.F.J., you'd have to really hate the Romans.
BRIAN: I do!
BRIAN: A lot!
REG: Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Romans are the
fucking Judean People's Front.
P.F.J.: Yeah...
JUDITH: Splitters.
P.F.J.: Splitters...
REG: What?
P.F.J.: Splitter!
GOLIATH: pant pant pant Ooh. Ooh. I-- I think I'm about to have a... cardiac arrest. Ooh.
Ooh.
CROWD: cheering