Civil Collaboration 
Managing your emotions and present feelings to
maximize co-parenting

Separation and divorce alone can be difficult to work through as an individual – and having
children together creates another layer of emotional and life challenges. Not only will you have
to see your ex-partner at school events, social gatherings, or exchanging the kids for visits, but
you also must navigate co-parenting. It may seem overwhelming or impossible to transition
your relationship with your partner to one that is civil, and you may have many feelings about
co-parenting with him/her.​ However, working through the negative emotions attached to your
relationship will not only help you to process everything in a healthy way, but also presents you
with the possibility for civil collaboration with your ex-partner which will ultimately trickle down
and impact your children.  

 
 
 Individual Coping Skills
1. Focus on the future 
Your separation or divorce did not happen over the course of one night and neither will your
adjustment to this new way of living. Allow yourself to realize that this is a process – be hopeful
for what is to come and for how both you and your family will grow.

2. Learn to detach from your ex-spouse 

It’s important to create both physical and mental space between you and your ex-spouse. Only
seek out contact when necessary and consider removing or storing things that remind you of
the marriage. This separation allows you to redefine how your relationship looks and will allow
for the potential of a healthy relationship between the two of you. Understand that the
relationship has changed, and you do not have to be friends to be civil.

3. Find ways to occupy your time 

Take the time to engage in the things you enjoy. Revisit old hobbies and activities that have
gotten away from you. Think about the things that truly make you happy and content and try to
set aside time each week to do one of them – whether big or small. By managing your own
emotions and feelings, you are less likely to express or project negative ones. Give yourself
plenty of self-compassion.

4. Consider counseling  
Talking to a trained therapist one-on-one may help you work through your emotions in a
healthy way and help you to understand different ways to adjust to this change. By seeking
help, you not only address intense emotions in a safe space but can work through your feelings
in a healthy way.
 Joint Coping Skills 
1. Consider counseling 
When conflict arises, it may be helpful to seek assistance from a Licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist (LMFT) or a neutral mediator. This may allow for you both to work through conflict
constructively and collaboratively in order to make decisions for you and your family.

2. Treat others how you want to be treated 

You, your ex-partner, and your children are aware of the patterns, expectations, and norms in
your family. Being civil and collaborative means working towards a sense of forgiveness for your
spouse which ultimately affects your attitude towards them. Focus on facilitating positive or
neutral interactions and work towards expecting the same.

 
Social Coping Skills 
1. Solidify your support system 
Identify the people in your social circles that you feel supported by and can talk to about how
you’re feeling. Make sure you also have individuals that can provide an objective opinion of
your ex-partner. This may help you take a different perspective or approach to a situation, one
that is not biased or emotionally driven. Only seeing one side of the situation can lead to
conflict.

2. Stay engaged 
Separation and divorce can bring a sense of loneliness, especially for those who may have a
shared custody agreement. These feelings may generate a sense of stress and even anger, so
seek ways to stay engaged with friends and family. Allow yourself to socialize and engage with
other people in your different social circles.

3. Get connected with a group 

Consider connecting with a program or support group for separated or divorced parents
whether in-person or online. Not only do these opportunities address feelings or situations you
may be facing, but they connect you with others who are experiencing similar situations. They
may help you better adapt and help you see that you are not alone.

⏣
Overall, the goal of civil collaboration is to strive to have good communication with your
ex-partner, which ultimately impacts your children. Good communication requires a
multi-layered approach of self-care and self-regulation mixed with collaboration and a support
system. This may be more difficult to establish for some families than others, and it’s all at your
own pace. Intentionally working to establish this civil relationship with your ex-partner now will
impact the futures of you and your family. No one should have to miss out on major life events
or experience unnecessary stress – ​by focusing on creating a healthy, new normal in your family
and with your ex-partner, you will both be able to give more energy to focusing on your
children in life-giving ways.

 
 References 
 
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processes and coparenting quality. ​Journal of Divorce & Remarriage​, ​38​(1/2), 17.
Brosi, M., Cox Jr., R., & Welch, T. (n.d.) Co-parenting through divorce: Key factors & best
practices for creating change. Paper presented at the National Council on Family
Relations Conference.
Frisby, B. N., Horan, S. M., & Booth-Butterfield, M. (2016). The role of humor styles and shared
laughter in the postdivorce recovery process. ​Journal of Divorce & Remarriage​, ​57​(1),
56–75. https://doi-org.ezproxy.messiah.edu/10.1080/10502556.2015.1113820
Masheter, C. (1997). Healthy and unhealthy friendship and hostility between ex-spouses.
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