Do you ever feel like you’re not enough?

If your self-worth seems to rise and fall according to what other people
think, you’re not alone. But you can challenge this mindset and find a new way of
valuing yourself, says Psychologist Meag-ga O’ Reilly.

“How often do you get asked ‘What do you do?’ and feel like that question
is going to determine how much attention or respect you receive?”
Perhaps you have the stomach-sinking experience of seeing your
questioner’s face change or their eyes glaze over when they hear your response.
It’s lousy. Instead of being seen and appreciated for all of your complicated
individuality, you feel like your worth has been judged in a flash – and found
waiting.
But getting a nod of approval is also unsettling, says O’Reilly. “Even those of
us who seem to be winning at these conditions stand to lose because conditions
change with time, age or unexcepted hardships.”
O’Reilly recalls a vivid example from her own life. Once, at a party, she went
up to the host – someone she’d never met before – to thank him for his
hospitality. She smiled, stuck out her hand, and, she recalls, “I was met with the
response of ‘Quality yourself.’… That’s when his friend beside him reiterated the
question with more clarity: ‘Quality yourself; tell him why he should talk to you.”
O’Reilly says. “Immediately my mind split into two paths. The first and more
dominant voice got to work on the task… What are the bells and whistles of my
existence that I can showcase to woo and persuade this person I’m worth his
time?”
Meanwhile, the other part of her was stunned, as she put it, that “there
was a litmus test for conversation. I’m happy to say that this part of me won out. I
didn’t engage. I simply said. “Thanks again for hosting” and walked away.”
The incident spurred O’Reilly to think about how small moments like these
can chip away at our self-worth. “As a psychologist who’s heard and held
hundreds of human stories, I have witnessed firsthand how this mentality of
feeling like you are not enough has stolen dreams, ambitions, relationships,
health and happiness away from people.” she says.
For some of us, these encounters echo earlier occasions in our lives when
we felt like our value as a person was determined by other people – usually adults
– and fluctuated depending on what they thought of our latest grade, game,
performance or accomplishment. O’Reilly says, “Think of yourself for a moment:
What were some of the early messages you received about who you needed to eb
show up in the world as meaningful?”
No matter how deep-rooted these experiences and feelings are, we can
free ourselves from thinking what we’re not enough. This undoing may take a
while to happen so we should be patient, cautions O’Reilly. “It’s a process, and I
call it lifespan work.”
Here’s how we can start challenging the not-enough mindsets in ourselves
and in the people around us, according to O’Reilly.
1. Do what makes you – not other people – happy.
Feeling like you’re not enough can sometimes lead you to take on
certain friends, hobbies, projects or jobs that you think will make you
look good in other people’s estimation. O’Reilly asks: “When was the
last time you did something not because it’s going to show up on your
resume, not because it meets that condition of worth, you’re wrestling
with, but just because you enjoyed it?”
It’s important to pursue the things that you genuinely enjoy because “it
softens our stand toward ourselves,” says O’Reilly. “it allows us a
zoomed-out perspective and gives us a chance to experience ourselves
and others in a non-conditional way.” When you’re in the flow of doing
what you love, you can shake off the weight of judgements and
expectations.
2. Recognize that you have value – period.
Believing you’re enough does not mean that you should lower the bar
for what you’d like to accomplish in life, emphasizes O’Reilly; it’s just
that your personal enoughness remains constant and isn’t affected by
your actions. She says. “Please go and achieve much. But do it in such a
 way that you know there’re a floor or a baseline of worth that you
cannot descend below.”
Contrary to what some people fear, recognizing our inherent self-worth
does not mean that we’ll be full of our own self-importance. O’Reilly
says, “An inflated sense of self-esteem sounds like… ‘I can do it, I’m the
best,” whether or not that’s actually true.” Inherent value, she adds.
“sounds like ‘This is important to me, and I’m going to do my best … but
it doesn’t define me.”
3. When you meet new people, go beyond your job, title or school.
If we’d like to remove the judgement associated with the “So, what do
you do?” question, we can also change how we respond to it. “The next
time someone asks you what you do, don’t provide an occupation or
field of study,” says O’Reilly. Instead, share with them something that
you cherish about yourself; try to break interpersonal ground with them
and not start with labels.”
4. Respond with love and acceptance to the successes and failures of your
family, friends and colleagues.
Similar to the previous point, we need to try to model a new way of
being if we want to ease the not-enough mindset in the people around
us. Given how achievement-oriented society can be, says O’Reilly, “this
is difficult … but a person is not a product and we need a culture that
delineates the two and helps us see that one does not define the other.”
Wouldn’t you like the most important people in your life – young or old
– to feel like they are enough? By appreciating them and showing that
your care for them is unconditional, you can create change that will
ripple outwards. “Enough is enough with these worth wars we’re
waging,” O’Reilly says. “Thinks about how radically different our world
and relationships would be if each of us actually acted like we all had
inherent value.”