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Isabelle Rooney

English 1201

Professor Bell

6 December 2020

How Does Mental Health Affect Romantic Relationships?

The importance of mental health in our society is something that has never really been

talked about. In fact, it is something that society teaches us at an early age to be embarrassed

about, and how to suppress it. In the recent years, mental health has always been hush hush, and

today more and more people are speaking out about their personal experiences and speaking on

exactly how mental health affects their lives, and most importantly, their romantic relationships.

This essay will explore the world of mental health and how it affects romantic/intimate

relationships using various articles and sources to explain the relationship between the two. The

mental health of an individual affect's relationships negatively when the significant other and

relationship itself is an unhealthy and toxic environment.

As mentioned before, mental health is not a very sought out subject to talk about openly

in our everyday lives. Often, people are ridiculed and judged based on their stance on mental

health. Whether you suffer from an illness or not, mental health is something that should be

discussed more openly in today’s day and age. It should not be looked down upon to be able to

talk about how you feel, or to be able to discuss your emotions with friends.

Relationships have also changed a lot in the past 20-30 years. We have cell phones now

that allow us to communicate in the blink of an eye. We have social media that only shows us the
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happy side of someone's life. All these things affect relationships. Just think, if you have poor

mental health, how will that affect your romantic relationship with the other individual.

In an article written by the National Alliance of Mental Illness called “Maintaining a

Healthy Relationship” they state that effective communication is key to a healthy relationship

when one party is dealing with mental health issues. NAMI states in their article that

“Developing good communication skills will improve all of your relationships, but they’re

especially important when mental illness is in the mix. Effective communication is largely about

building good habits. You can make choices that improve your chances of getting the results you

want...” (NAMI). The healthier habits you build towards a successful relationship, the more

you’re going to show improvement. NAMI also states that you want to use clear, direct

communication. You don’t want to beat around the bush, be straight and clear to the point so that

both parties understand what you want without having to guess.

When one or both parties deal with mental health, you want to make sure that they know

they are loved. In relationships that are unhealthy, and someone is dealing with mental health,

things might not get better for them. It is possible that it might make their mental health

deteriorate even more. Also, in an article taken from PsychReg they state that “Chronic stress

stemming from negative behaviors such as criticism and hostility in relationships has also been

linked to poor mental health. A study showed that single people tend to have better mental health

than those in turbulent relationships and other studies also showed that too many break-ups are

worse than staying single” (Wallace, Peter). Peter Wallace is an author at PsychReg who holds a

master's degree in counseling. He states that there is a link between mental health and unhealthy

relationships, the mental health of an individual tends to decline when put into these types of

scenarios.
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Wallace relates his findings to a study done by Galena K. Rhoades, Claire M. Kamp

Dush, David C. Atkins, Scott M. Stanley, and Howard J. Markman. This studied focused on

“The Impact of Unmarried Relationship Dissolution on Mental Health and Life Satisfaction”.

The main finding of this study was that unhealthy relationships found an “increase in

psychological distress and a decline in life satisfaction of the affected party” (Rhoades, Galena K

et al. Pg.1). This study is a perfect example of why healthy relationships have a good effect on

mental health. The more you do better in the relationship, the happier and the more secure both

parties will feel.

An argument that I notice a lot and hear a lot recently is that if you have mental health

issues, you should simply not date. Their reasoning is that if you cannot focus on yourself and

keep your mind healthy, then you should not be in a relationship with someone else who you

have to love and care for, when you cannot even care for yourself. Sadly, this is an argument that

society has created. Society has painted this picture that depicts people with mental illness as

nothing but “sick”. They think that people who struggle with mental illness should not be in

relationships, period. This is not a valid argument in the fact that it has been proven that healthy

relationships improve mental health. According to mentalhealth.org.uk, “Being happily married

or in a stable relationship impacts positively on mental health. Research has found that high

marital quality is associated with lower stress and less depression.” It is clear that unhappy

relationships do not reflect positively on mental health. This is why relationships can be such a

good support system for people with mental health. Relationships help you grow your mind, and

they can be a good relief if you deal with mental health. It’s nice to have hobbies with your

partner, and to take your mind off things. Also, relationships can be difficult when anxiety is

present. Some people overthink things their partner does or overthink in general. Regardless of
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the few exceptions, people who struggle with mental health gain enormously from being in

healthy relationships.

Another reason that I hear a lot in arguments about mental health is that it's all in your

head. There are some people out there that think that mental health shouldn’t be talked about and

that it doesn’t exist. According to MentalHealthFirstAid.com, “5 percent of adults (18 or older)

experience a mental illness in any one year, equivalent to 43.8 million people. Of adults in the

United States with any mental disorder in a one-year period, 14.4 percent have one disorder, 5.8

percent have two disorders and 6 percent have three or more.” This is a hard pill to swallow for a

lot of adults. The crazy thing is, is that a lot of people don’t even know they have a mental

illness. Most young adults never get diagnosed; they just think how they feel is normal. “In the

United States, almost half of adults (46.4 percent) will experience a mental illness during their

lifetime” (mentalhealthfirstaid.com). Therefore, the suicide rate is so high. People who

experience severe depression don’t think there is any other option other than suicide. This is

where healthy relationships can really come into play. People are more comfortable with

speaking to a partner about their issues, and it's better for their health to be able to say what's on

their mind and get things off their chest. A lot of people also think that they are the only ones

dealing with mental health issues and that no one will understand. While your significant other

might not understand 100% what's going on, they are still there to listen and be there for you.

Thomas Szasz, an American-Hungarian psychiatrist, stated that mental illness is not

classifiable as a disease. In his book titled, The Myth of Mental Illness, he also stated that mental

illness was “counterfeit”. He believed that mental illness simply did not exist, and it was all a

hoax. He did acknowledge that humans have issues in their day-to-day life, but that is all he

considered as the contribution to their “mental health issues”.

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To get insight directly on how mental health impacts relationships, I interviewed Payton

Taylor he is 21 and lives in Cincinnati, OH with his girlfriend and their dog. They have been

together for going on 6 years. His girlfriend struggles daily with anxiety and depression and has

since a very young age. I asked Payton how he thought it impacted his relationship and he

responded with, “It impacts my relationship hugely, only if we let it. It is something that we both

have to help her overcome, I don’t want her to struggle alone. I make sure she gets out of bed

and gets done what she needs to get done and I make sure that she knows I am there for her

every step of the way” (Payton Taylor, 2020). I thought that this was a very meaningful answer.

It showed how important it is for the partner to be 100% supportive in everything the other does,

and to hold them accountable and make sure they are trying their best to maintain happiness.

Another question I then proceeded to ask Payton – If he could take it all away from his

girlfriend, would he? He responded with, “To a certain extent, yes. If I could take away all the

panic attacks and all the sleepless nights crying and all the overthinking, I would. I also think

that these things make her into the person she is today, she is the woman I fell in love with and as

much as I want to take it all away, I love her exactly the way she is” (Payton Taylor, 2020). I

thought this was a very interesting take to the question. From what I gathered, he basically said

he didn’t want to change her. I applaud him for that response, she wouldn’t be who she is today

if it wasn’t for her personal struggles with mental health, and that is why he loves her. He loves

her for her, and not who she could be. The next question I asked was how it affected their day to

day life. He responded with “ You know… it affects our day to day life a whole lot, whether it’s

not going somewhere because she’s over thinking, or not going to a family get together because

she is worried what others might think of her at that given time, or even if she just wants to lay in

bed and watch movies ; but that’s okay with me. I want her to be comfortable and I want to put
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her at ease. Anything that I can do or adjust, I will do for her, because I know she would do the

same for me if tables were turned. She is one of the strongest women I know, and she goes and

has gone through a heck of a lot in her lifetime. I admire who she is today” (Taylor, Payton

2020). Not only does this show why healthy relationships positively impact mental health, but it

also shows that with love, dedication, and the right person, you can be happy and have a

supportive partner. Payton’s interview really showed the importance of supporting the individual

who is struggling with their mental health. We need more people like Payton in society who can

advocate and understand what it’s like for these people who are afraid and embarrassed to speak

out. We need to be their voices! Payton is a great example of what we should be doing for our

partners in their bad days, or what we should look up to as a good example of how to make

relationships work in general.

It can be a struggle for people who deal with mental heath issues to be able to show love

to their partners. That’s why the support system is so important. Codependency can be a huge

issue in relationships. In an article titled “Recognizing Codependency When Your Loved One

Has Mental Illness” they explain codependency as: “Codependency describes a relationship

dynamic in which the codependent person enables the self-destructive, maladaptive, of otherwise

dysfunctional behavior of their loved one. Driven by an overwhelming need for approval and

fear of rejection, the codependent person seeks to satisfy their partner or family member’s needs

in over-involved, exaggerated, and counterproductive ways, subsuming their own needs and

desires in the process. Without a stable sense of your own identity, your sense of self becomes

deeply and inextricably linked to caring for your loved one” (Kvarnstrom, Elisabet). What this

means is that the codependent person (the person who struggles with mental health) relies on

their partner for a lot of things. They rely on their partner for approval, love, words of
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affirmation, touch, and satisfaction of their own self. They are not happy until their partner is

happy. For example, it is very likely for someone to be codependent on their partner when they

deal with depression and anxiety. Anxiety can cause someone to over think, and when you

overthink, you need acceptance and approval for you to feel worthy. The article also talks about

abandonment. If a person has had previous abandonment issues in the past, this can be a huge

reason on why they are codependent on their partner. Whether the abandonment issues come

from earlier life experiences or they are just thought ridden by being left behind, this can

negatively impact a relationship. Codependency can make the partner without mental health

issues feel smothered or like they are the only person keeping them alive, and that can be a big

thing to carry on your shoulders. Codependency is often not even recognized by the codependent

person in the relationship. Often when the relationship is over, if it ever ends, is when the

codependent person finally realizes what was going on, especially after the person has left your

life. Another thing that the article states is that no matter how long you partake in codependency,

it never will solve the problem, it only keeps you from further finding out the underlying issue

and finding out who you really are as a person which keeps you from being genuinely happy for

even longer. All in all, codependency is not a healthy habit you want to partake in. If it does end

up happening, there are ways you can avoid this, “by working with trained experts who

understand the challenges faced by codependents and their loved ones, you can not only begin to

recover from the pain of your early childhood experiences and form a renewed sense of identity

and self-worth, you can improve the quality your relationships and allow you to experience

healthy, satisfying giving and receiving of love” (Kvarnstrom, Elisabet). Recovery for

codependency when you struggle with mental health is key to maintaining a healthy, positive
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relationship in the future, it not only benefits you but also your partner and your everyday lives

and happiness.

Trust. Trust is the foundation of every relationship. Think about the construction of a

building. There is the foundation, which are the beams for what hold everything up. If you don’t

have trust, then you cannot build anything stable on top of the non-existent foundation. There is

nothing to hold it up. Trust for people who deal with mental health can be very very difficult.

This is where often times the unhealthy relationships start. No trust in the relationships means

that you are constantly worried, asking questions, and accusing the other in the relationship. This

is not good for both peoples’ mental health. There needs to be communication in which both can

opening talk and trust one another. Sometimes, there are people who don’t care about trust and

will go behind your back and do things that they shouldn’t be doing when in a monogamous

relationship. People who do this are only going to make your anxiety and depression or other

mental illnesses worse.

I want to sum everything up by relating my research essay to my own personal

experiences as I continue my journey living with anxiety. Everyday is different, and you have to

take everything day by day. I’ve been in the same relationship for many years and at first, my

anxiety was a huge part of why our relationship was failing. For the longest time I couldn’t

figure out what was wrong and why this was happening and couldn’t pinpoint where it all fell

apart. My significant other didn’t know what anxiety was and he couldn’t understand how it felt

for me. So, we started to read articles together and I would send him anxiety related posts to read

so he could try to get an understanding of what it was like for me. He then started to understand

and realize that all my feelings and the things I said and did were all valid because my anxiety

was hindering me from being my true, authentic self. I look back and think, why didn’t I realize
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that sooner? Then realize I am who I am today because of the way my life has planned out. Our

relationship is so strong now because he wanted to take the initiative to learn how I felt then, and

how I feel still today. He is my biggest supporter and I love him because of that.

You will always wonder, “Will he find someone better” “She is so much prettier than

me” “Why are they all looking at me? What’s wrong with me?” “They are probably talking

about me” “Why didn’t they ask me to hangout” “No, sorry I can’t go out” “I’m sorry, I’m going

to have to cancel tonight” “I’m going to go to sleep”. These are just some of the debilitating

thoughts that go through my head every second of everyday, you just have to find what’s right

for you to tune them out, and to not let them get under your skin anymore.

The main reason for this research paper is to raise awareness for Mental Health and how

they affect relationships. All in all, positive outcomes come from healthy relationships, and

negative outcomes come from unhealthy relationships. The more support you have from your

partner in your relationship in regards to your mental health, the more likely you are to have a

happy, healthy relationship. It is very important to educate your partner to help them understand

what it is like for you. We all know how difficult it can be for someone to understand what it’s

like when they never experienced it themselves firsthand.

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Works Cited

“5 Surprising Mental Health Statistics.” Mental Health First Aid, 6 Feb. 2019,

www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/2019/02/5-surprising-mental-health-statistics/.

Benning, Tony B. “No such thing as mental illness? Critical reflections on the major ideas and

legacy of Thomas Szasz.” BJPsych bulletin vol. 40,6 (2016): 292-295.

doi:10.1192/pb.bp.115.053249

Braithwaite, Scott, and Julianne Holt-Lunstad. “Romantic Relationships and Mental Health.”

Current Opinion in Psychology, vol. 13, Feb. 2017, pp. 120–125. EBSCOhost, doi:

10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.001.

“Home: NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness.” NAMI, www.nami.org/home.

“Investigators from McGill University Target Mental Health (Recovery and Severe Mental

Illness: The Role of Romantic Relationships, Intimacy, and

Sexuality).”MentalHealthWeeklyDigest,2016.EBSCOhost,search.ebscohost.com/login.aspxd

irect=true&db=edsgbe&AN=edsgcl.457496078&site=eds-live.

Kvarnstrom, Elisabet. “More Than Love: Recognizing Codependency When Your Loved One

Has Mental Illness.” Bridges to Recovery, Bridges to Recovery, 26 Dec. 2018,

www.bridgestorecovery.com/blog/more-than-love-recognizing-codependency-when-your-

loved-one-has-mental-illness/.

“Mental Health Statistics: Relationships and Community.” Mental Health Foundation, 16 Jan.

2020, www.mentalhealth.org.uk/statistics/mental-health-statistics-relationships-and-

community.
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“Relationships.” Mental Health America, www.mhanational.org/relationships.

Samuel, Leah, et al. “People with Mental Disorders Often Marry Others with Same.” STAT, 25

Feb. 2016, www.statnews.com/2016/02/25/mental-disorders-marriage-autism/.

Taylor, Payton. Personal Interview. 20 November 2020.

Rhoades, Galena K et al. “Breaking up is hard to do: the impact of unmarried relationship dissolution on

mental health and life satisfaction.” Journal of family psychology : JFP : journal of the Division

of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43) vol. 25,3 (2011):

366-74. doi:10.1037/a0023627