Do I really need to tell you not to

try these moves at home?

Reprinting this comic without

written permission by the owner
is strictly prohibited except for
reviews.

(c) 2019, Dan Graffeo

 Hello everyone from ringside, I’m Hal Dhuwan
coming to you from Chattanooga, Tennessee and
can we get a shot of that?

: That's what it’s all

about. Wrestlers from
seven continents, yes
seven, have come
together to claim that:
International Warrior
Wrestling's Heavyweight
Championship. We have
a tournament of
sixteen—

Sixteen what?
 Well, sixteen wrestlers from
all around the---

And of the sixteen

wrestlers, how many of
them are women?

Uh, none actually .

This company just got started and

it's already holding my gender back!

That’s not true, really. The president

of International Warrior Wrestling is a
woman and we have another woman
who is a broadcast journalist and
another woman who will be joining
me on commentary—

That would be me.

Oh, then you must be Gabby Stukoff.

Nice to meet you. Have a seat.

Don't tell me what to do!

 Would you like to join me on
commentary?

Aren't you gonna pull the

chair out for me?

What kept you?

I was trying to find out
where the women
wrestlers are.
 IWW is in the process of hiring many
women wrestlers.

Yeah, I'll believe that when I see it. So far, I'm

the only one here and they put me on
commentary, wasting my talents.

Did you ask to be in the tournament?

No, I'm not fighting men! You like seeing

women get beat up by men or something?

(sigh) Let's get started .

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the start of
The following contest is scheduled for
a tournament to determine who will be
one fall. Coming down the aisle, from
International Warrior Wrestling's
Carson City, Nevada...
Heavyweight Champion.

...weighing 310 pounds, here

is...OCTANE!

HD: There he is, all 6 feet, 10

inches of him and what a
way to make an entrance.
And his opponent, from Castries,
St. Lucia, weighing 260 pounds,
here is...VOLCANO!

HD: That volcano is

ready to erupt and so is
this crowd.

GS: A little
silly if you ask
me.

GS: He's gonna need it.

HD: Well , there is Octane is bigger and
nothing silly about this looks to be the stronger of
man's agility. the two.
 HD: Bell's rung,
we're on our way.

HD: A lockup. Octane

may have an advantage
here.
 GS: Octane looks like
he's going for
something.

HD: Reversal by
Volcano...

HD: German
suplex!
 HD: Two and--no!

HD: Arm-drag by Volcano!

HD: Octane losing his

temper--and another
arm-drag!
 GS: Well he
HD: Look at this, Octane
should be
calling for a time-out.
allowed to take
minute to--

GS: Oh what a
cheap shot!

GS: That was

totally uncalled HD: There's no time-out,
for! you know that. And now
Volcano on the top rope!
HD: Ooh, a boot to
the face.

HD: This is
turning into a
see-saw match-
up.

GS: Nice back-breaker. I

heard that all the way over
here.

GS: I think it's

over. GS: ...Two.. .
HD: No, Volcano still got
some fight in him.

HD: Octane throwing

Volcano off the ropes...

HD: Volcano ducks

under a clothesline...
HD: And returns
one of his own!

HD: Big elbow

smash to the chest!

.
HD: Volcano has the momentum
 HD: Running powerslam!
Octane is in trouble.

GS: He should cover

him instead of going to
the top rope.

GS: See? Told

ya.
HD: Guess you were right, Gabby.
GS: Of course I'm
Volcano may have gone to the
right. It's a pattern
well too many times.
you should have
noticed.

HD: Oh my God, what was

that?!
 GS: I'd say that's the move that
ended this match. HD: Two.. .

HD: He got him.

The winner of this

match...OCTANE!
 HD: Wait a minute,
what's he doing now?

GS: He did the

work, now it's time
to play.

HD: Stop him,

ref! This is
totally
unnecessary!
 HD: Oh come on,
Octane!

GS: Right on the chair!

That's called making your
mark!

HD: I think the HD: The referee is calling

referee is
threatening to for medical aid .
disqualify Octane
if he doesn't stop.
 Folks, as soon as we get an update on
Volcano’s condition, we will let you know.
Our first match and Octane is sending a
message to the other fourteen
contenders in an unnecessarily brutal
way. Volcano was beat, he should have
been left alone.
What the (BLEEP!) is
that!
Not the car! I
mean the
driver!
Should have been left alone? When
Octane was outside the ring, Volcano
should have let the referee start
counting. But what happens? Volcano
goes out there, he kicks Octane in the
face, he could've got a concussion. All
he was doing was returning the fav—
That's a classic
1985- -
 You must be Mr. 80s. I President DeSalle's orders. I'm
read your profile. What here to bring some spice to the
brings you here? commentary.

What it look like, P.Y.T.?

YOU CALL ME P.Y.T. AGAIN, I'LL RIP YOUR (BLEEP!) (BLEEP!)

OFF AND TIE IT TO YOUR (BLEEP!) NOSE SO YOU LOOK LIKE
A (BLEEP!) ELEPHANT!
 Kinky.

According to the tournament, you are scheduled to face

Totally.
Giuseppie Tortellini, a tough customer from Chicago.
And if you win, you could face the likes of Octane at
some point and we know what he can do. Are you ready?
You look more like a clown than a No way. I’m gonna ride my way
wrestler. You think you're gonna to the title in style.
moonwalk your way to the title?
 Huh. Better call my Does that thing even Oh, it works.
mechanic. work?

Let’s go back to
This match is scheduled for one fall. In
ringside.
the ring at this time, from La Paz, Bolivia,
weighing 515 pounds...

EL FIN!
His opponent, from Temiscaming, LUMBERJACK
Quebec, Canada, weighing 420 JACQUES!
pounds...

GS: Why is there a

piece of plywood
blocking the entrance
to the ring?

80s: Hello, Sully?

HD: Dramatic flair.
Sully? You there?

HD: And there is

Lumberjack Jacques, a
modern Paul Bunyan if
there was one.

80s: I can't hear ya, Sully!

 HD: Lumberjack Jacques is 7
80s: Sully!
feet, 1 inches. El Fin is 6 feet,
11.

HD: These are the

two biggest guys in
the tournament.

80s: Say that HD: Why don't you try it without

again! the headphones on?

80s: Oh yeah!
That's much
better!

HD: Both
competitors going
for a test of strength .
 HD: And the
GS: El Fin winner of this
getting the match gets
upper hand. Octane .

80s: No, I don't

want a new car!

HD: Look at Jacques, HD: And he's back to

reaching down for that
something extra. his full height .
GS: Ooh, nice
sabotage by
El Fin.

80s: Because it's a classic!

HD: El Fin going for an

avalanche, but no one
home.
HD: One can't help but wonder
how Octane would fare against
one of these two.

GS: Or how they would

fare against Octane's
aggression.

HD: Speaking of aggression, Jacques is really pummeling into the South American.

80s: Just do what you gotta do to get

her back in time.
HD: Nice bulldog by Jacques. That might do it . HD: One...

HD: Oh! Thumb to the eye! 80s: Okay, I'm done.

GS: I can't
believe I
gotta
associate
with you
two.

HD: What did I

do?
 GS: How about
dominating the
commentary? HD: Not at all. Go ahead.
You afraid of
what a woman
has to say?

GS: There you GS: Let me ask

go! Ordering me you something,
around again! 80s.

GS: What would

you do if a 500
pound guy 80s: That.
slapped a bear-
hug on you?
 HD: Frankenstein
knuckle drilling into El
Fin's temple.

80s: Killer clothesline. The big

man is rocking.
HD: Looks like Jacques is setting
up for something .

HD: A flying double axhandle

right between the eyes!

80s: Whoa! Knocked

him right outta the ring!
 GS: I can't
GS: This is what picture
I'm talking about, you
80s. beating
either one
of these
guys.

80s: Yeah, well I can't picture

you beating them either.
 .
GS: So funny

Ten!

HD: Look at this. El Fin

brought a chair to an ax fight!

Ladies and gentlemen, the referee

has counted both men out of the
ring and rules this match a double
count-out!
 There's the official word: a double count-out.
Lumberjack Jacques, El Fin, both out of the
tournament. And you know what that means.

I don't know
what that
means.

We sure do, Hal. That means

Oh yeah!
Octane gets a bye in the second
round and automatically goes to
the semi-finals.
 Oh.
That's right. Octane now has an advantage
over the other contenders, including you. He's
got more time to rest, train, and prepare.

Don't worry, 80s. You don't have to worry about

overcoming the odds. You won't even make it past the
first round.

Don't be so sure, Jenny 86753-oh--

 I'M GONNA RIP YOUR (BLEEP!) FACE OFF!

I KNOW WHAT Notice that I

THAT SONG didn't call you Gabby-- Miss Stukoff!
MEANS! .
“P.Y.T.” though

You are now going to

Miss Stukoff, why don't you introduce
the next segment?
experience a segment called
“Higher Learning.” The host is
my manager and the only man I
respect around here: Professor
Karl Harpo.
My name is Professor Karl Harpo, Ph.D. In addition to
cultivating those in the western United States who --that means “typical”--
aren’t hopelessly rudimentary, I am studying the
appeal of professional wrestling to the archetypal---

--slow-witted, toothless devotee whose idea of Likely with a ring he won

romanticism is proposing to his sister at a NASCAR at an arcade palace.
stadium.

And what better place to begin than in Tennessee?

 --that means
“Higher Learning” will only
“temporary”--
be a provisional show--

If it was lasting, you wouldn’t be able to emulate --that means

without a dictionary. In the near forthcoming, an “intelligence”- -
innovative and permanent show will debut that will
further instruct those who aren’t irreversibly
uncultured and lack sagacity—

—that means
In interim, I am about to converse with two contenders
“imagine”—
who will contest each other in the current tournament
for the International Championship. The first man is
someone whom I envisage—
 —the southern American populace can relate to, —that means
being a ‘good ol’ boy’ and all. He was a provincial— “local”—

—wrestling all-star and gymnast…in a civic of one-

hundred people. How very impressive. I’m sure his
hobbies include playing the banjo on some rickety
front porch or manufacturing moonshine.
Introducing Tennessee’s own—Heat Lightning.
His opponent resides from the battle-hardened, yet orderly city of Asmara,
Eritrea. He has gained boundless acclaim throughout his country due to his
ruthless athleticism. He retired undefeated and relinquished the Eritrean
Heavyweight Wrestling Championship in order to showcase his global
preeminence—that means superiority. I give to you, Tatendo “the Lion”
Chubuya.
 Foremost, permit me to query—

—the palpable, Mr. Chubuya. I

—that means
comprehend why, but to those out there of
“question”—
limited analytical prowess—

—that means “skill”—

—why are you called, “the
Lion”?
 The Lion is the king of the jungle! He is built to hunt
and annihilate all who stand in its way! So too! Is
Tatendo Chubuya! The lion has no fear and shows no
mercy! So too! Is Tatendo Chubuya! The lion is
respected by Man and Beast! So too! Is Tatendo
Chubuya!

Did ‘ya’ll’ understand that or do you entail

a translator to dumb it down for you?
Entail means ”require.”

And to warrior number two. The man
who currently resides in good ol’
Chatanoogie. Why are ‘ya’ll’ termed
Heat Lightning?
You been flaunting your Ph.D., and you
can’t even figure out why they call me
Heat Lightning? Cause I’m fast you acid-
)
trippin’ (BLEEP!) (BLEEP!
 Oh that’s very mature. Pray inform me,
do you rout with haste as well? Rout
means “lose.”

This guy's gonna rout his teeth when I get ahold of him!

And as for you—

Tatendo? Are you all right?

I’ll see you in the ring. Have a nice day, you turgid opening
of the alimentary canal.
What? That means you’re an (BLEEP!)

That's your manager? Ha! And I thought New

Coke sucked!
 At least he's not living in the past!

Folks, right now we're going to go to What's New Coke?

our colleague, Carmen Soza.

Thanks, Hal. I’m here with Jeremiah Clemens who is

wearing a rather unusual attire and who wants to be
referred to as “Bullfrog.”
 Carmen, a bullfrog is always
Jeremiah, why a bullfrog? underestimated. A bullfrog may not be
poisonous—

Or have claws. Or have claws . Or have teeth. Or teeth.

Or any kind of No stinger,

stinger. but— I mean you can literally
pick one up and it can’t
do anything to defend
itself.
 Yeah, but— Well, a bullfrog—

And they’re
kinda gross-
I mean even an ant
looking. Why
can lift 50 times its
not a scorpion
or a spider? weight.

But Carmen, a bullfrog can And Choi Ru, when we

devour anything that gets in his meet in the ring, I'm
way. They eat scorpions. They gonna eat you!
eat spiders. They eat snakes,
fish, birds, rodents, bats, even
other frogs. A devourer like
that can’t be underestimated.
Just like me.

That--that sounded a lot cooler in my

head.

I understand.
Good luck out
there.
 This match is scheduled for one fall. ...LI RU!
In the ring at this time, the manager...

She represents from Pyongyang,

North Korea, weighing 194
pounds...CHOI RU!
 It's not “North Korea,” it's just My brother is going to be the
“Korea”! International Heavyweight Champion
because it's destined to be. The Great
Family of my country has proclaimed it so .

The Great Family also demands that all

audience rise up and bow before my brother,
the Chosen One!

His opponent, from Hendry

County, Florida, weighing
346 pounds...BULLFROG!
 GS: Oh. My. God.

80s: That 's dedication to

character right there.

HD: Look at the Ru

siblings, they don't
quite know what to
make of Bullfrog.

HD: Bell's rung

and Choi Ru
wasting no time.
 HD: Choi Ru sends
him off the ropes.

HD: Bullfrog reverses it . GS: Big size difference

here. Bullfrog outweighs
Choi Ru by like 150 pounds.

HD: Choi Ru
runs right into
a bear-hug.
 Frog splash!

HD: Belly to belly suplex!

80s: If that big belly

hits that little man, it's
over.

HD: Oh, look at that!

 HD: Li Ru interfering in the match.

80s: Bogus! I
wonder if
she's single.

GS: Bounced off his back and a

kneedrop to the head! Love it!

GS: This one's

over.
 .
GS: Two .
GS: Three

The winner of this

match...CHOI RU!
 .
You gotta be Sy Fiye
How did you
know?

Lucky guess. Hey, Good to meet you. So

Giuseppie Tortellini. who you got in the first
Good to meet ya. round?

This guy, Mr. 80s. 6 feet three, 240

He better be if he's wearing a sheer
pounds, got a good physique, seems
shirt. Hahahaha! Look at the glitter
pretty tough.
gloves!
I gotta come up with a finishing move I got a great finisher. It's called “Unity,
.
soon to take care of this guy Victory, Watch the skies.”

What's that? Meh. Might as well.

You'll see when I face
Frostbyt. I was just going
to see President DeSalle
about my match. You
wanna come along?

Maybe we can get a snack after. I got a

package of gummy spoo in my rent-a-car.
 What the (BLEEP!) is spoo?

The following is scheduled for one fall.

Coming down the aisle, from the Valley of
the Kings, Egypt, weighing 285 pounds...

...NEFREMAAT!

80S: What kind of

jackass would agree to
carry a throne? Those
four have got self-
esteem issues.
 GS: If you can
convince others His opponent, from Athens,
that you're royalty, Greece, weighing 228
more power to pounds...THESEUS!
you. He didn't
fool any women.

HD: There he is.

Theseus looking
focused and ready for
his larger opponent.

HD: Both wrestlers are

respected technicians in
their homeland.
HD: A lockup and a test of
strength.

HD: And Nefremaat showing he's the more

powerful of the two.

GS: Well GS: Theseus

that's shouldn't
obvious. try to match
power with
Nefremaat.
 HD: Whoa, I think he heard you.
Theseus relying on pure wrestling
with a classic takedown.

GS: But
Nefremaat
counters with a
back suplex.
 HD: A
HD: Two...
cover...

HD: No, a
kickout.

80s: I think it was way too early to go

for a pin.
 HD: An abdominal
stretch being applied

GS: And
another great
counter.

80s: Ouch! Lifts him right

up by the hair!
 HD: Going for
another cover.

80s: Like I said, it's too

early. He's got to wear
Theseus down first.

HD: Oh, slapped him with a

figure four leglock!
 GS: Smart move GS: If you can't pin em,
by Nefremaat! make em tap!

HD: And HD: Referee trying

Theseus HD: He to get Nefremaat
trying to makes it! to break the hold.
reach
those
ropes.

80s: Are you

sure GS: I hate him, Hal.
Nefremaat's an
Egyptian? He
doesn't walk
like one.
 GS: I don't like you either,
HD: I know.
but I really hate him.

80s: Whaaat?

HD: Brainbuster!
 GS: Nefremaat
getting ready to
finish Theseus off.

HD: Ooh, a DDT!

HD: Into a small package!

HD: One! HD: Two!

 80s: Look at “His
Highness,” he can't
believe it!

HD: He got him!

The winner of this match...THESEUS!

HD: Nefremaat having a meltdown as

Theseus is declared the winner.

GS: Enjoy the moment,

Theseus cause you get Choi
.
Ru in the next round

You wanted to see me?

That's great. Get that

information uploaded
a.s.a.p.

Yes, come in. The
name is Taylor?
You call yourself “Taipan”
That’s right. Taylor? What's a taipan?
Some kind of Chinese
cuisine? Not that I don't
love Chinese cuisine.
Especially the egg-rolls.

A taipan is a very deadly snake. I was Hmmm. Taipan Taylor. No,

bitten twice in my life and I’m still don’t like it. Deadly snakes
kickin. That’s what the tattoos mean. and Englishmen don’t go
together. It’s like penguins
and Frenchmen. Just
doesn’t work.

I'm Australian. Yeah.

You are?
 Then we need to capitalize on that. How Crocodiles are reptiles.
about “Croc Taylor”? Croc like in
crocodile. Everyone associates
Australians with crocodiles. We’ll get you
a crocodile suit. Maybe you can team with
that Bullfrog guy. We can call you “the
Amphibian Connection.” “The Reptile
Connection” then.

That’s a bit cliché don’t you think?
There’s more to Australia besides
crocodiles and the taipan
experience was very personal to me.
All right, we’ll skip the crocodile
gimmick. But if you’re representing
Australia, you need to scream
Australia. Do you have a finishing
move?

Yeah. Uh, my finisher doesn’t really

Good, we’ll call it have anything to do with
“the Wallaby wallabies.
Whomper.” Sounds
dangerous and
Australian all at the
same time.
 Don’t worry, I’ll get my President DeSalle?
research team on this.

Yes boys, come on

in. My door is
always open.

I’m here because you have me fighting
Frostbyt in the tournament and I’m trying to
prepare for him, but I can’t find any info.
Yes, Frostbyt’s profile hasn’t
been completely processed
yet, but don’t worry. You’ll
get it when the time comes.
You boys bonding?
 Yeah, you could say that. We just
met and all. That’s good. Harmony among the
employees makes a solid company.

Yeah, but doesn’t a wrestling company

have to be, you know, the opposite of You’re right! If everyone’s getting
harmony? along, no one will want to fight!
There’d be no aggression, no drama,
no spectacle! Do you two want to
ruin our business before it even has a
chance to bloom?

We wouldn’t do that. Good. From now on, don’t get

along. In fact, I’m making changes
to the tournament.
You two will fight each other in the
first round and Frostbyt will take
on that 80s guy.

BLAST THAT
ALIEN, CAPTAIN
MILKY WAY!
(PYEW!)
(PYEW!)
(PYEW!)
 President DeSalle, changing it up a Doesn't matter to me. I'm here for
bit. Now it's you and Frostbyt in the that title. Bring it on, I say.
first round.

Folks, I'm being told that we have

Frostbyt's information uploaded and
ready to go. Let's take a look.

I'm “Green.” Cecil Green. And I charge you

with murder.
 Our planet is
overheating.

And you're all I'm here to cool

responsible for it. things down.

AND YOU WILL GET

FROSTBYT!
 Well that ain't fair! He got a sweet
video package. How come I didn't get
a sweet video package?

You don't deserve one.

And on that note, we'll see you next time

as the tournament continues.