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 Hello, everyone from
ringside, coming to you Still waiting for my chair to be
from Houston, Texas. pulled out.
I’m Hal Dhuwan along
with Gabby Stukoff--

...And fresh off his victory…

Upset victory if you ask me.

 But a victory Good to be here. Absolutely. But first, let’s
Are you ready for remind our audience of where
nonetheless: Theseus. some action? we are in determining who is
the International Heavyweight
Champion.

HD: There it is folks. Five down,

eleven left. Octane has put
Volcano on the shelf for the time
being. We will get an update on
Volcano’s condition very shorty
and also hear from Octane.

GS: And take a look, Mr.

Clash of the Titans.
Lumberjack Jacques and El
Fin wrestled to a double-
count out. That gives
Octane a bye in the next
round, which means if you
face him in the semi-finals,
he’s gonna be better
rested and prepared than
you.
TH: Or the time off can make him sloppy
and underestimate me, like Nefremaat did.
And Clash of the Titans was Perseus, Miss
Mona Lisa Smile.
Well, you may have beaten the bigger
guy, but so did Choi Ru and unlike you,
he did it in record time, pummeling
that idiot Bullfrog into a green pulp.
 We’ll find out next time what will
happen between Theseus and Choi
Ru, but in the mean time, we need
to finish the first round and with
that, let’s go to ringside.
TH: What is that?
Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to
continue the tournament to determine
IWW's International Heavyweight
Champion! This match is scheduled for
one fall....
HD: Some kind of high-
powered snow plow is
making its way down to
ringside.
 HD: There's “Green”
Cecil Green. Now why
did he have to bring
that thing in here?

GS: Why not? He

has a right to.

Introducing the
manager, “Green”
Cecil Gr--

How much energy did you oil-

worshipping whores waste to get
here tonight?
Unlike you people, I actually care That's why I demand that you use this
about this planet. solar-powered microphone to introduce
my associate.

RRRRRRRRRR!! Introducing from (BZZZZ!) Antar--

(BZZZZZ!) weighing (BZZZZZ!) pounds,
Fro--(BZZZZZ!)
 HD: Ring announcer Roy
Quentin having difficulty
with that microphone as
he tries to introduce
Frostbyt.

HD: For the

record, Frostbyt
is from Ross
Island, Antarctica.

TH: Looks like

a big man,
maybe six-
eight, maybe
280.

GS: 280?
He's
closer to
300.
 TH: Wow, look at
And his (BZZZZZ!) California, weighing
the blotches on
(BZZZZZ!) pounds, (BZZZZZZZZZ!)
Frostbyt.

GS: Forget that. Look at

HD: For the
this idiot moonwalking
record, that is Mr.
down the aisle.
80s, who hails
from Hill All
Valley, California.

HD: Bell's
rung and
we're on
our way.
 GS: Not stronger, better. I've said it
TH: Frostbyt seems before, 80s ain't gonna make it past this
to be the stronger of guy.
the two.

TH: I think 80s has just as good a

chance.

HD: He's off to a good start,

gettiing Frostbyt in an arm -bar.
HD: Oh, slaps him right HD: And 80s keep the
in the face! pressure on that arm.

GS: Theseus, I think

the only reason you're
pulling for 80s is so
you won't have to face
Frostbyt.

HD: 80s with a

crucifix! One!
 HD:
HD: Two! Close call.

TH: It doesn't matter

which one of these two
wins, I'll go through
anyone.

GS: Check this

out!
Powerbomb
time!
 HD: Oh, he got out of it! HD: 80s off the ropes...

HD: A TH: Where's he going?

flying
forearm!

GS: He's gonna

TH: He's not attacking him,
attack Green!
he's just having a little fun.
Look out Cecil!
 TH: Look at Green.
Cant figure out why
everyone's laughing
at him.

HD: Oh, now HD: An

he knows why. attack
from
behind.

GS: Serves him right!

 TH: It's true that HD: But he's
Mr. 80s shouldn't trying to make a
have taken his eyes comeback.
off of Frostbyt.

HD: 80s
sending
Frostbyt off
the ropes.

HD: No,
Frostbyt
reverses it...
GS: Look at
the power
display by
Frostbyt!

HD: Oh my God!

GS: An uppercut in mid-

air! That could be your
future, Theseus!
 TH: Not GS: Two...He got hiim!
a
chance.

The winner of this

match...Frostbyt!

HD: Frostbyt victorious and now

GS: Yeah, smack him again,
“Green” Cecil Green taunting a
Cecil! Give him one for me!
dazed Mr. 80s
Can I call it or can I call
it, Dhuwan? I told you
that loser wouldn’t
make it past the first
round.
Good call, Miss Stukoff.
Frostbyt will indeed advance to
the next round, facing whoever
wins our next match.

We’re going go to Carmen Hi Hal. I have an update on the condition of

Soza right now. Carmen can Volcano. In his match, he suffered a broken
you hear us? nose, a broken sternum, and a cracked rib
among many bruises. Doctors say he will be
out of action for some time.

Sitting next to me is the man responsible for this assault. Octane, what were you
thinking out there? You had made it to the second round. What was there to gain
by further assaulting Volcano?
 What did I have to gain? Fear and respect. Fear and respect from the other guys
who want to take what’s mine. You see, I’m already the International Heavyweight
Champion, Carmen. Deep down, all of you know this. And if anyone else gets in my
way, they’re gonna end up just like Volcano.

I am toxic
I am the champion. I am Octane.
masculinity.

To all those still in the

tournament, watch out. This man
isn't playing. Back to you Hal.
 This match is scheduled for GS: Hope you
one fall. In the ring at this were paying
time, from Chicago, Illinois, attention to
weighing 245 that interivew,
pounds...GIUSEPPIE Theseus.
TORTELLINI!

TH: I was and I'm

not playing around
either.

And his opponent...

HD: Let's
concentrate on the
present, you two.

GS: What
TH: Making a pretty
is this
dork cool entrance, I'd say.
doing?
 GS: The better
question is, can
either of them get
past Frostbyt.

HD: Well,
it's
certainly
flashy,
but can
he get
past
Tortellini?

From... Really?

From “Beyond the

Milky Way”
weighing 337
pounds...SY
FIYE!
 HD: here's the
tie-up.

HD: And a slam

by Sy Fiye.

TH: Sy Fiye GS: Good counter

being smart, by Tortellini.
staying on top
of Tortellini.
 HD: Tortellini getting the
upper hand, sending Sy Fiye
off the ropes.

HD: A flying
clothesline.

HD: Tortellini off the

ropes, drops the leg.
HD: I think it's over. HD: ...two...

TH: No, he's still GS: He's

got some fight gonna need
left. it. Looks like
Tortellini is
setting him
up for
something.

GS: Slingshot!
 HD: ...And Sy
Fiye goes face
HD: Tortellini
first into the
with a
turnbuckle
dropkick...
again.

HD: Sy Fiye is GS: Really

seeing stars. Dhuwan? You
really went there?
 HD:
Tortellini
going to the
middle rope.

TH: Went for

a knee drop,
but no one
home.

GS: Sy Fiye is
making a mistake.
He should be
working on the
knees.
TH: For the first
time, you and I GS: Oh God, really?
agree.

HD: Side slam by Sy Fiye. HD: Going for the cover...

HD: Two and-- HD: No, a kickout.

HD: Both men trying to

regroup.

TH: Whoa! A
spear out of
nowhere!
 TH: Tortellini
going to the
middle rope HD: Oh, a flying
again. Hope headbutt.
he doesn't try
another
kneedrop.

GS: What a loser.

HD: Uh-
oh, I
think
Tortellini
got the
worst of
it.

TH: Now it's

Sy Fiye going
to the top.
 Unity! Victory!

Watch the
skies!

WA-HOO!

WA-HOO! WA-HOO!
 HD: A back
splash into a
pinning
combination.

HD: And
it's over.

The winner of this

match...SY FIYE!
 TH: The crowd HD: Look at that,
has gotten Tortellini
quiet. What's offering his hand.
going on here ?

HD: The TH: That

crowd shows a lot
wants to of class.
see it.
Shake it, Sy
Fiye.

GS: You're a
putz, Tortellini.
Oh, but you're a
classy putz.
Great.
 I don’t feel
You look fantastic. Taipan
Taylor, Mr. Australia! fantastic.

Just takes a little getting I don’t think

used to, that’s all. this is gonna
work.

Trust me, Taipan. Right now, your look has

memorability. Do you want people to say,
‘Wow did you see Neanderthal take on the
guy with the red shorts?’ or ‘Wow did you see
Neanderthal take on the rough tough Aussie
bushman?'
 How ‘rough tough’ can I
look? I’m holding a
(BLEEEP!) koala bear!

Forgive my
language.

Just give it a try. My research This match is scheduled for one

team says the fans will love it. fall. In the ring at this time, from
Now go on out there, and give us Parts: Unknown, weighing 294
a great match. pounds...NEANDERTHAL!
 TH: Call me crazy,
HD: Neanderthal but I got a feeling
getting ready to
come out of his
we're not going to
cave. see a lot of
technical prowess
from this guy.

HD: I just hope the

officials can get him to
put that club down.

GS: Take a look.

Pure savagery.
It's easy to
picture this guy
taking it all.
 HD: Taipan GS: Can't imagine
And his opponent, from Taylor, why. He's got a
Hopevale, Queensland, getting kind shrimp on a
Australia, weighing 308 of a tepid barbie.
pounds...TAIPAN TAYLOR! response.

TH: The get-up

doesn't make the
wrestler.

HD: Neanderthal not waiting for

the bell as he charges!

`
 TH: A little
too
aggressive.

GS: Both of these guys are a lot bigger than

you. How would you get past them?

TH: The same way I got past

Nefremaat. It's not about size, it's
about strategy.

HD: Neanderthal
getting the upper hand.
AAAAARGH! HD: Did you
see that? Look
at Taipan's
back!

TH: Neanderthal should be GS: Maybe he's trying to

disqualified for that. send a message like
Octane did

HD: It won't do any good if

he gets disqualified.
 HD:
TH: Nice Neanderthal
leapfrog by off the ropes...
Taipan.

TH: Taipan
HD: Dropkick! should try to
keep
Neanderthal
off his feet.

HD: Neanderthal is
biting! Come on,
Ref, break it up!
 TH: Oh, the referee calling HD: No look, Taipan
for the bell. I think it's over. telling the referee he
wants the match to
continue.

GS: What a HD: What do you mean,

moron. “what a moron”?

GS: The referee was gonna GS: ...And he wants

disqualify Neanderthal. the match to
Taipan had the match won... continue? That's
stupid.
TH: I think
that took a
lot of
integrity.

GS: Integrity won't

HD: Taipan with an iron
get you the gold,
claw.
Theseus.

HD: And
GS: Now it's a contest
Neanderthal
of who can last longer.
using that
necklace to choke
Taipan!
 HD: And
Neanderthal
breaking the TH: Taipan smartly breaking off that
count before necklace
disqualification.

HD: Neanderthal
trying to get some
shots in and Taipan
dodging

HD: Russian
legsweep!
TH: Nice kick-up by
Taipan.

HD: Taipan running

the ropes, what's he
gonna do?
 GS: Looks like
HD: A
Taipan hurt his
high
back with that
knee!
move.

HD: Nevertheless, Taipan

looks like he's sizing
Neanderthal up for
something.

TH: A
reverse
facelock.
 HD: Oh, a one-eighty
piledriver!

HD: Goes for the

cover.

The winner of
this
HD: It's over.
match...TAIPAN
TAYLOR!
 Taipan Taylor advances in the
tournament. We got one more
match before we're done with the
first round, but first, we're going
to go to Professor Harpo and
“Higher Learning.”
As this tournament advances, I’m seeing a
lot of great athletes. One match in
particular caught my eye because it was
pretty much terminus--

---that means “over”--

--before it started. The victor of that match is a
national hero in his homeland and I can see why.
He’s in great shape, he’s efficient, he’s sinewy--

--that means “tough”-- -- and has proven that he can overcome

opponents bigger than he is. I’d like you to
welcome Li Ru and her brother, Choi Ru!
 GS: Hope you're paying
attention, Theseus.

And this, your brother, hand chosen by the

Miss Ru, what an Great Family of Korea, destined for greatness.
honor to have you You know, you tried to explain to the audience
here. why your brother is so special and these
addlebrains--

--that means all of you-- -- wouldn’t listen. You asked them to show
respect by rising from their seats and bowing
and they abnegated--
 Well, I’d like to apologize on behalf of all
--that means “refused.”
Americans and in the name of my country, I will
gladly show Choi Ru the proper respect.

Professor Harpo, my brother and I

accept your apology. We know that
you are much more educated and
enlightened than these ignorant
animals out there in the stands.

Just ignore their hate speech, Miss Ru.

I want you to know how ashamed I
am that your brother is forced to
wrestle people that are relying on
paltry--
--that means ”cheap”-- -- gimmicks instead of skill. But I digress. Let’s
converse of the tournament. Now in the next
round, it is your brother against Theseus. Now
Theseus is a passable athlete, but any analyst
knows that he got extremely propitious--

-- with legions of people calling it a major upset.

-that means “lucky”--

Funny, I only heard two

people say that.
 He’s obviously no where near the
caliber that Choi Ru is. Do you think
this will be another squash match?
Yes. You put it perfectly, Professor Harpo.
He had to subject himself to fighting a man
who thought he was a frog. Now, he has to
subject himself to facing a man who thinks
he’s a mythical hero. They are pretenders.

My brother is real. When he becomes Are you hearing this, Theseus? Your
the International Heavyweight luck is about to change for the worse. A
Champion, there will be children in my reality check is coming your way. But
homeland who will pretend to be him. don’t presentiment--

Once you lose to Choi Ru and everyone sees you’re

-- that means “worry.” just a walking gimmick, you may go back to Greece
and resume your delusions that you slayed some
Minotaur and that you’re living in the B.C. era.
Harpo, Li Ru, I’d rather pretend to be
a mythical hero than be a real-life
(BLEEEP!)

You wanna talk reality check? You’ll You can find out when it’s our turn
get one when we square off because in the tournament…or you can find
there is nothing fake about my ability. out now.
 Choi Ru and Theseus, both
We’ll fight…when I say so. showing confidence. When they
meet next time, I think we're
gonna see a collision like no other.

I don’t need no You know who people are talking about? Octane. And
advantage. The fat how he put Volcano out of action. It’s time for everyone
Jedi-Trekkie won’t be to start talking about how dangerous we are.
a problem.

Trust me.
This match is scheduled for one
fall. In the ring at this time,
from Asmara, Eritrea, weighing GS: There he is. The
undefeated wrestling
290 pounds...TATENDO “THE champion of Eritrea.
LION”CHUBUYA!

His opponent, making his way

down the aisle, from Chatanooga,
HD: What happened to the lights?
Tennessee, weighing 197
pounds...HEAT LIGHTNING!

TH: Wow, what a

dramatic entrance!

GS: They clearly

spent more money
on his entrance
than yours,
Theseus.
 GS: Maybe the
company spent more
on him cause they have
more confidence in him
than you.

TH: What's
that suppose
to mean?

GS: Shut up,

Dhuwan.

HD: Didn't you say

that fancy entrances
don't matter?

HD: This is it. The

last match of the
first round.
 GS: Tatendo predictably
winning the test of
strength.

HD: This match mirrors TH: Heat Lightning has

yours, Theseus. Heat
Lightning facing a much
larger opponent. What
advice would you give
him?
gotta live up to his
name. He's gotta use
his speed.

TH: He's not being

HD: I think he heard you,
wise here. Don't
Theseus. Heat Lightning
stand toe-to-toe
dodging that punch.
with the Lion.
 HD: Heat HD: Sending Tatendo
Lightning taking off the ropes...
control.

HD: Spinning-
heel kick!

HD: Heat Lightning

looking to capitalize!
 HD:
Moonsault!

TH: I think it's over!

GS: No, two count. GS: It's gonna

take a lot more
than that to
beat this man.
 HD: Tatendo
with a headbutt
into the
stomach.

GS: Look how HD: Heat

Tatendo has Lightning
already turned inching up
this match around. those ropes.
He's got Heat What's he
Lightning at his got in mind?
mercy now.

TH: Nice! That's one way to get

out of it.
 HD: There's that reverse
springboard kick we last
saw on “Higher Learning”

HD:...Two..
 TH: Tatendo
HD: Almost. going for a
choke.

TH: To me, this

shows
desperation.

GS: It's not

desperation if it
gets you the upper
hand.
 HD: Just a reminder
that the winner of
this match gets
Taipan Taylor.

TH: I'm
sure he's
watching
this
match
very
carefully.

GS: I think
he's more
concerned
with what
President
DeSalle has in
mind for him.
 HD: Tatendo sending Heat
Lightning off the ropes and a big
boot to the face.

TH: He seems HD: Arrogant

very proud of cover by
himself. Tatendo.

HD: And
Heat
Lightning
gets the
shoulder up.
 HD: Not a good
night for knee
drops.

TH: Tatendo better TH: He's not in Eritrea anymore. He's

be careful. His facing competition on a global scale.
overconfidence
will lead to his
undoing.

HD: What's
HD: Speaking of he gonna
which, Heat do?
Lightning going
to the top rope.
 HD: Oh my
God! Heat
Lightning's flip GS: That did it.
dropkick That knocked
backfired! the wind right
out of him.
GS: No need GS: ...Two...
to hook the
leg.

The winner of this match...TATENDO

GS: ...Three.
“THE LION” CHUBUYA!

HD: Tatendo
victorious and
now we're
down to
seven fighters.

You clock him with those brass knuckles

and we walk into the match with the
psychological advantage.
 He’s over there.

He’s drinking DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY RAINFORESTS ARE

coffee. BUTCHERED TO MAKE COFFEE?!

MURDERER!!
A hologram
projector?
 You are gonna pay,
80s.

AAAAIIIIEEEE!!

And you will get Frostbyt, Sy!

I can handle losing a match, but no
one takes away my dignity!

Wow. He can even moonwalk down When he wakes up, tell Frostbyt that
stairs. Impressive. holograms don’t hit back.
 I tell ya, Theseus, the tensions are
rising as we progress in the
tournament. You and Choi Ru, Sy Fiye
and Frostbyt. Octane. Everybody is
out to prove that they’re the best.
They may think they’re the best, but
all it takes is one misstep, one
moment of pride, and before you
know it, you’re all wrapped up and
by the time you escape, you’re
yesterday’s news

Well folks, on behalf of Theseus, myself,

and Gabby Stukoff, we’ll see you next time.

Still the only woman here!

You don't
want it!