“ARE YOU EMPLOYED, SIR?

Entering the room is a fat sixtyish man in a motorized wheelchair--

Jeff Lebowski.
LEBOWSKI Okay sir, you're a Lebowski, I'm a Lebowski, that's
terrific, I'm very busy so what can I do for you?
He wheels himself behind a desk. The Dude sits facing him as Brandt
withdraws.
DUDE Well sir, it's this rug I have, really tied the room together
LEBOWSKI You told Brandt on the phone, he told me. So where do I fit
in?
DUDE Well they were looking for you, these two guys, they were
trying to—
LEBOWSKI I'll say it again, all right? You told Brandt. He told me.
I know what happened. Yes? Yes?
DUDE So you know they were trying to piss on your rug—
LEBOWSKI Did I urinate on your rug?
DUDE You mean, did you personally come and pee on my—
LEBOWSKI Hello! Do you speak English? Parla usted Inglese? I'll say
it again. Did I urinate on your rug?
DUDE Well no, like I said, Woo peed on the rug—
LEBOWSKI Hello! Hello! So every time--I just want to understand
this, sir-- every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair city, I
have to compensate the—
DUDE Come on, man, I'm not trying to scam anybody here, I'm just—
LEBOWSKI You're just looking for a handout like every other--are you
employed, Mr. Lebowski?
DUDE Look, let me explain something. I'm not Mr. Lebowski; you're
Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. That, or
Duder. His Dudeness. Or El Duderino, if, you know, you're not into
the whole brevity thing—
LEBOWSKI Are you employed, sir?
DUDE Employed?
LEBOWSKI You don't go out and make a living dressed like that in the
middle of a weekday.
DUDE Is this a--what day is this?
LEBOWSKI But I do work, so if you don't mind—
DUDE No, look. I do mind. The Dude minds. This will not stand, ya
know, this will not stand, man. I mean, if your wife owes—
LEBOWSKI My wife is not the issue here. I hope that my wife will
someday learn to live on her allowance, which is ample, but if she
doesn't, sir, that will be her problem, not mine, just as your rug
is your problem, just as every bum's lot in life is his own
responsibility regardless of whom he chooses to blame. I didn't
blame anyone for the loss of my legs, some chinaman in Korea took
them from me but I went out and achieved anyway. I can't solve your
problems, sir, only you can.
The Dude rises.
DUDE Ah fuck it.
LEBOWSKI Sure! Fuck it! That's your answer! Tattoo it on your
forehead! Your answer to everything!
The Dude is heading for the door.
LEBOWSKI Your "revolution" is over, Mr. Lebowski! Condolences! The
bums lost!
As the Dude opens the door.
LEBOWSKI ...My advice is, do what your parents did! Get a job, sir!
The bums will always lose-- do you hear me, Lebowski? THE BUMS WILL
ALWAYS—
The Dude shuts the door on the old man's bellowing to find himself—

AN EXPENSIVE URN

The Dude smiles at Donnelly. Donnelly gives back a mortician's

smile. At length Walter holds the bill towards Donnelly, pointing.
WALTER What's this?
DONNELLY That is for the urn.
WALTER Don't need it. We're scattering the ashes.
DONNELLY Yes, so we were informed. However, we must of course
transmit the remains to you in a receptacle.
WALTER This is a hundred and eighty dollars.
DONNELLY Yes sir. It is our most modestly priced receptacle.
DUDE Well can we—
WALTER A hundred and eighty dollars?!
DONNELLY They range up to three thousand.
WALTER Yeah, but we're—
DUDE Can we just rent it from you?
DONNELLY Sir, this is a mortuary, not a rental house.
WALTER We're scattering the fucking ashes!
DUDE Walter—
WALTER JUST BECAUSE WE'RE BEREAVED DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE SAPS!
DONNELLY Sir, please lower your voice—
DUDE Hey man, don't you have something else you could put it in?
DONNELLY That is our most modestly priced receptacle.
WALTER GODDAMNIT! IS THERE A RALPH'S AROUND HERE?!